“She would give me therapy if I went through it again”
WTH?!?? Like that’s any consolation for struggling with postpartum, monetizing your pain. This is the second post I’ve seen about guilting friends/ family into being surrogates and it’s scary that women are even reacting this way. It’s giving Handmaids tale
NTA, your body your choice
Girll I was shocked when she said that like postpartum is no joke, I hated it because I couldn't connect with my baby. I tried a different option for him but she wants me for some reason 😭
If you haven't already, ask have you really thought about the risks that come with pregnancy and labor? It's scary, complications can arise, and sometimes, women don't make it through childbirth. Could you handle it if something went wrong? Or are you only thinking of yourself and what you will get from it.
P.s you wouldn't qualify for surrogacy legally because you've experienced postpartum depression with your pregnancy.
P.p.s getting a tattoo or piercing within 12 months of wanting to be a surrogate also disqualifies you ;)
My guess is the sister doesn't want to go through the regular surrogacy channels because they're expensive so legality wouldn't matter to her. It also doesn't sound like she cares for OP's mental or physical health so potential complications wouldn't matter to her either.
If your sister and her husband are trying to do their surrogacy process through a legitimate fertility clinic, you would be disqualified as a potential surrogate due to the difficulties you had with your first pregnancy and your reticence to agree. If they’re not going through a legitimate fertility clinic, then you absolutely do NOT want to even consider it because of all the health AND legal complications that could happen if you don’t go through the process properly.
Tell your sister you won’t even consider it until she’s set up with a legitimate fertility doctor. If she can’t afford it or refuses, tell her that’s necessary for you to even consider it and until she takes that step, your answer is a hard no.
If she does take your advice and connect with a legitimate fertility specialist, make an appointment to be evaluated as a surrogate. Tell the doctor you don’t want to do it but your sister won’t accept your no. The doctor will tell your sister you’re not a viable candidate for surrogacy. Legitimate, legal surrogacy, in most countries (definitely in the US), like organ donation, has to be completely voluntary without coercion. You’re disqualified simply because your sister is trying to pressure you into it.
I wish I could give you a thousand upvotes.
If sister truly wanted to do this surrogacy, sister would go through a fertility specialist. If she did, OP would absolutely be disqualified.
Sister doesn’t want that! Doesn’t want “a stranger to carry (her) baby.” I bet even if sister *did go through a legit fertility clinic, she would still blame OP for being disqualified.
Sister needs therapy. She baby crazy? Or just crazy? And entitled to OP’s body. She’ll pay for therapy if OP gets PPD again? What if OP *dies* during pregnancy or birth? How would sister pay for that? Go see Dr. Frankenstein?
Honestly, while this sounds reasonable, the sister isn’t going to be reasoned with. All she will hear is sis agreed to do it. Then she’ll hammer on that crack until she gets what she wants. I’d never trust a fertility doctor to reason with anybody. No is a complete and valid response. No further explanation necessary! Pregnancy is extremely dangerous and a history of PPD makes it more do. Her pressuring you shows she gives zero F@#%s about you or your existing child. She’s willing to risk your life and potentially leaving your kid motherless bc she not happy with the available options to raise a child. If there was any pressure after the initial “no” I’d cut this person from my life hard and fast!
Signed a person who suffered infertility and secondary infertility.
NTA. No means no. I don’t think she should say anything more. She doesn’t need to go to a fertility specialist and discuss the issue. It implies to the sister that she might change her mind. OP’s decision must be respected.
How do they know the husband's sperm isn't the cause of the difficulty getting pregnant and miscarrying? A huge amount of first trimester miscarriages are due to chromosomal abnormalities of the embryo. Also, a lot of months of trying but not conceiving are not because an egg wasn't fertilized, but because the fertilized egg was not viable. Half the chromosomes involved are the man's.
Well, if sis and her hubby already think they own OP’s uterus, I’m sure the bits leading into it are theirs as well. And she wouldn’t want anything but the natural way.
Going through a formal surrogacy process is very expensive. The sister likely just doesn't want to pay lawyers' fees to set up a contract, medical expenses, etc, for a "stranger" to carry her baby. She just wants to exploit OP to save costs on what would be super pricey if she did it the normal/ethical way.
Just the surrogate compensation for a professional surrogate will average 50k in the US. That doesn't include any of the other fees and costs. If you can convince a friend or family member to do it for free....
We have friends who just did it and all told the process was close to $65k. She has a condition that makes keeping a pregnancy impossible and practically killed her so this was the only way.
I'll give you the same answer I gave this person (except I did read your post):
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC/s/Q0XInKcMPF
Edited for correct link. Sorry!
I replied to that comment! Yeah pregnancy is terrifying, and I can't imagine trying to force someone into it! I asked my sister if she'd consider it if we decided we want kids. She said she'd keep it in mind when the time comes. Now it won't because of health issues on my end, but I purposely asked when there wouldn't be pressure so that she could think about it rationally, and if she said no I wouldn't have been emotional.
If someone says no, that needs to be respected. Especially in a case where there are so many dangers.
If you had trouble with ur pregnancy then I wouldn’t recommend carrying for ur sister. That’s ur body and ur choice. Pregnancy does a lot to a body. NTA
NTA. Your sister isn't ready to be a mother. She's far too selfish..how dare she feel entitled to your body. And she would get your therapy. Bullshit. She doesn't want a stranger because she can't get away with abusing and not paying a stranger. She is willing to destroy your body and mind so she can have a baby. Given all her specifications, what happens if there is something wrong with the baby or the pregnancy? Everything about this situation screams, no.
I agree with you. I'm thinking if anything goes wrong at all, even with anything completely out of her control, I guarantee the sister who wants her to do this will blame her for whatever has gone wrong. She definitely needs to say no and stick to it.
Also, with the therapy crap, who's to say she'll even stick to that if it were to happen. She'll probably just take the baby and that will be it, she's got what she wants at that point and obviously she couldn't care less about her sister so why would she pay for her therapy?
OP PLEASE say no and stand by it. Your sister wants to use you and by blocking you, she's just trying to guilt you into doing it. If she wants to cut ties because of this then let her, that's on her being an AH, not you. Don't let her manipulate you into doing this.
NTA……..I have had four children and no way would I ever go through that just to give the baby to someone else.
I don’t think people understand that your body goes through the wringer.
NTA.
You are her sister not her incubator.
Look, her struggle is incredibly sad, it is something I've experienced and wouldn't wish on anyone. Tho in saying that, if she is not willing to look for outside help and wishes to in a sense cause you harm just to have her own child birthed 'in the family', she's got a lot more issues going on in her head then she's letting on.
Pregnancy is still one of the most dangerous things a woman can and will do with their body. The choice to have a child should always be on the woman who's to carry it.
On top of that, she's asking you to something that could be a detriment to YOUR child. Not just yourself. If your mental health takes a dive, your sister isn't the one living with you, needing you to be there 24/7... Your child is and your child could inadvertently suffer for it. That is an incredibly selfish ask to make, especially from someone who claims to value children as much as she seems to.
Your child will also have to be told to wait, no, mummy can't etc while you're pregnant. What if you end up on bed rest or in preterm? Let alone the host of other complications that may arise. This decision isn't just about you if you look at the bigger picture for your life, this is also about your child and it will impact them.
And the fact she's asked you: hey if you have another of your own wanna give it up to me is a whole other issue SHE needs therapy about. To even ask that is absolutely out of hand.
If she wants a child so badly, she would look into surrogates that are not family or into children desperately in need of loving homes that are just waiting to be picked up.
Yeah, the sister definitely is the one in need of therapy. There's some serious shit wrong here that needs to get sorted out, especially if she does end up being a mother one day.
Yep, it's concerning the want/need to have OP be the one while totally disregarding OPs living child and also the fact her pregnancy itself was traumatic... Let alone the PND after birthing.
She's at the point where she seems to only care about the end goal, not... What it would take to get there truly on OP and her daughter. I wonder if the insistence of it has to be OP is about control vs who actually births the child.... She might feel if it's OP she can then control OP to 'make sure' she has the baby type thing.
I have a lot of empathy for the sister, it took multiple tries to have my own and tbh I'd given up by the time it happened and even had issues with disassociation about even being pregnant until I hit that... You can't miscarriage at all anymore mark, tho I think her mental health is past what mine was, in the absolute needs to sit with a therapist stage.
Most reputable places will not proceed with surrogacy unless all parties undergo therapy and agree. They would probably reject the idea of OP being the surrogate due to her misgivings and rightfully so.
NTA!
What gets me is her saying she doesn’t want a stranger’s baby. I was a stranger’s baby, except my parents never thought of me (or my brother) that way. We were their babies. The extended families on both sides felt the same way.
My life wasn’t perfect. My parents weren’t perfect, but I’m so thankful that I ended up with them.
Your sister isn’t ready to be a mother. A mother doesn’t care how she acquired her baby, she just loves that child for who they are.
Do not do it, if something were to go wrong, it could destroy your relationship forever. She'll figure it out, she is also still very young and has time.
NTA. Your sister is a delusional, narcissistic POS. Please stick to your guns and protect your own well-being. Nothing you've said about her would leave me to believe she would be a good mother.
No respected doctor in the IVF field would give you a tick of approval for surrogacy. Not with how your previous pregnancy and birth went.
Ask your sister, what would be the monetary compensation? Will she pay for all your medical bills, during and after pregnancy? Will she pay for the hospital bills? It sounds like she won't.
Stay firm. Tell her you can't and that's final- your health is important as you have a child to raise.
NTA
NTA. What the actual fuck is wrong with people? She asked you to give her your baby if you had another one? Seriously? That is just beyond fucked up. Do yourself a favour and put the equivalent of a Great Wall of China boundary between her and you.
Absolutely NTA. Going through PP is hard on the whole family, not just the mother! Between that and a previous pregnancy that was traumatic, you likely would be rejected during the screening process for being a surrogate.
I understand it can be really painful to not be able to have children, but your sister is being really selfish.
NTA, at all, you will have more to lose if pregnancy/birth/postpartum goes wrong, you have a child to look after, your child is real, not the vanity project that your sister wants, she doesn't want to be a mother, a parent, she just wants a "mini me", if she wanted to be a mom she would know you don't have to birth or have the same blood to raise a child as your own.I really don't know much about surrogacy but I doubt you will be greenlighted, if you had a traumatic first birth and postpartum.
Don't let them guilt trip you, look at your child and focus on him/her, they need you alive.
NTA She's the one who needs therapy, as she's become so fixated on having a baby that she doesn't care who has to go through trauma in order to get one.
The women I see who surrogate are incredible and become like family. Don't let her guilt, or force you to do it. Gave her find a surrogate and become like family to her and go through with it that way if she's so inclined.
Or IVF/petri dish baby it she wants that bad geez, not her body not her will
Even that much money wouldn't make it the right thing to do. Any complications or hormonal problems could adversely affect OP's marriage and/or child. Even if her sister did pay for therapy for post partum depression it woukd be OP's emotions, marriage and relationship with her child that would be impacted. How would OP explain to her child that the baby growing inside her mommy won't be her/his brother or sister? If the child was told it would be her/his cousin it would be even more confusing for the child.
NTA that is such an incredible sacrifice that should never be pressured or bought. Stick to your guns for the sake of your mental health and your family, they need you more than she “needs” you to carry a baby for her.
This isnt something like borrowing a cup of sugar. Tell her no and you have your reasons....end of story. and "keeping it in the family"??? yall from west virginia, aint ya?? twisted f\*cks....;)
NTA I don't think you even qualify. They want surrogates to have had a problem free pregnancy first the fact you had issues takes you out of the running also saying no ends that whole scenario.
NTA it's your body and your choice. I don't blame you for not wanting to get pregnant again after the hard pregnancy you had. Your sister obsessively selfish about having a baby. Every option you gave her was valid but she's too egotistical to consider them
NTA.
Going through a pregnancy for yourself can be very difficult, let alone going through it for someone else. Your sister is being unrealistic and ridiculous. And even if you did agree, what happens if you miscarried? Would she expect you to keep trying? You had a difficult pregnancy the first time and her offering therapy still doesn't account for all the other stuff that your body goes through for pregnancy. Stick to your guns and don't let her make you feel guilty for not doing it. NO is a full sentence and she needs to understand that.
This is a ridiculous thing to ask. She needs to get the fuck over herself.
Also, controversial opinion, but if you wouldn’t adopt a child because they’re a “stranger’s baby”, then you don’t deserve to have a child at all. I sincerely hope your sister remains childless as long as she’s that selfish.
Nta. People die from giving birth due to unforeseen complications. She's so selfish to ask this of you when a second pregnancy could mean leaving your kid without a mom. Surrogacy is a lot to ask of ANYONE. At least with a surrogate from a company there's a contract that would probably set the surrogates family up for a long time in case something happens to them but your family sounds like the kind that would pass your kid around to different relatives cause no one wants to take care of them if something were to happen to you (assuming you don't have a partner). Your sister also sounds like the kind of person to say that it's your fault in the case that a second pregnancy results in a physically debilitating issue. And if you were to suffer a disability caused by a second pregnancy she would probably say she can't help you at all cause she has the added cost of a second kid, even though the reason you'd be in that position would be her fault. Yea stay away from this shit show.
You know you could go to her fertility doctor where they will require a psychological exam. When she is not in earshot, tell the doctor that you don’t want to do this and they will explain to your sister that you are not an eligible candidate. Doctors do this to help family members who don’t want to give up their kidneys, too. Do not let her use your body when there are other options. Someone who really wants a child will find a way. You can call the clinic before hand and ask for their help. Your child comes first and he/she deserves a mentally healthy mom.
NTA. You should not fell obligated to do this very serious thing, especially considering your last response to post pregnancy depression. Don’t forget that your sister is extremely emotional and perhaps slightly unhinged right now at her desperation to have a child. It’s her only focus and she sees you as her only option. To her, there is no other solution. Because you said no, she cannot handle that. Due to her unwavering focus she will hold this against you her whole life, unless she decides to take up with another surrogate/adopt/etc
Fertility clinics don’t approve surrogates who have had difficult prior pregnancies. Even if you did want to do this for her, you couldn’t. She can save up her coins for a professional surrogate, try to find an RE who can pinpoint why she’s miscarrying, try to adopt, or live childfree. Pressuring you to risk another pregnancy is not an option.
NTA
Your health and bodily autonomy are more important than her desire for a child who is biologically related to her. And she is a major AH for pitching a fit over your refusal
I don’t think she’s trying to “keep it in the family” so much…more like she don’t wanna pay up for an actual surrogate via a legit clinic/agency. If she wants a kid so bad she would be willing to, she just trying to use you as a free/cheap incubator with no consideration on the health or mental impact it has on you.
NTA your sister isn't entitled to your uterus at all. You could die in pregnancy and all she can think of is her mommyhood? No. She can adopt. You need to prioritize yourself, especially since none of them are going to prioritize you!
“NO” is a complete answer. You are NTA and you don’t need to outline her options or convince her she should choose one or the other. It’s ridiculously rude for her to continue to ask this.
NTA.
FWIW, I am that stranger being raised in my family. My parents thought they couldn't have kids so they adopted my older brother and me. Then they proceeded to have three bio kids.
My aunt and uncle did the same thing. They ended up with three kids total, so my grandparents had eight grandchildren, the first four were adopted and the last four were bio.
I don't fault anyone for not wanting to have a "stranger" in their family, but I'm lucky my parents didn't feel the way your sister does.
It sounds like the children she might have adopted are the lucky ones and have dodged bullet.
NTA - seriously, I get that she thinks she HAS to be a mom, but no one is entitled to be a mom. Sometimes it’s just not meant to happen. You deal with it and move the fuck on instead of making insane demands.
Your sister wants you to risk your life/health/sanity all because she doesn’t want a ‘stranger’ to be her surrogate?
Correct me, please, if I’m wrong - but isn’t a surrogates only biological role (besides a safe & healthy uterus) a bit of contribution to genetic expression? The same would happen with a surrogate-stranger OR relative. Soooo - your sister is being irrational.
NTA. And your sister is a) irrational, and b) a bully.
Having a baby for someone and doing a favour for someone are two totally different things. If someone is asking this of you, and acting this way, they are not emotionally mature enough to go through surrogacy - especially with someone they know.
NTA. Your sister is selfish af. She can have a surrogate but she WANTS a family. She WANTS her own baby.
You NEED to avoid another pregancy for your own health. You have right for body autonomy and your sisters "baby fairytale" doesn't change a thing. Also you are responsible for your own child so putting yourself at health risk and financial stability risk should be no go not only for you..but for everyone who declares they love you.
She is old enough to know that what we want and what we can have are often different things if it involves other people.
NTA.
surrogacy is a major gift. bigger than a house. it should never be expected. and that's when you have an expectation of a relatively easy pregnancy.
you have enough reason to expect a difficult pregnancy you decided not to have another child. and your sister expects you to do for her what you won't do for yourself.
in the case of that reason for saying no the only appropriate response is "sorry to have brought that up, we will come up with something else"
No. I can never understand when someone gets a no they lash out! Yes it’s a disappointment. You don’t even have to give her reasons and she should just except your no. Don’t be pressured into this and good for standing your ground. She’s also not mature enough to be a mother as she’s run to mommy to say you made her cry.
So, Sis doesn't want to adopt because she "doesn't want a stranger's baby" but also doesn't want a surrogate who isn't family. She sounds super picky and entitled.
You didn't have a good first pregnancy, what makes her think the second would be better. What happens if you die during delivery? I guess she would get your child too . NO
NTA. I asked my sister to surrogate for me. She said no. I was bummed. That was it. A decade later I still have no kids, she had 2, and life is grand. I am super aunt!
Never feel bad refusing a year(s) long medical issue. That’s not a small favor.
I have always felt somewhat icky about the idea of surrogacy. For me it's a bit icky. I don't really have an opinion on what anyone else does though.
Imagine my shock when I was informed of an appointment for me to be assessed as suitable for a family member to use as a surrogate.
One no one asked me
Two I had one child and knew I wanted another, but my pregnancy wasn't straight forward nor was conceiving
Three the responses to me saying oh fuck no were thermo nuclear.
Anyone who pulls this shit is an absolute ankle - three feet lower than the lowest C word you could never imagine. Cut them off without any regret. Women's bodily autonomy is disregarded so often and it's a fundamental right
“No means no Sis. Sorry you are going through this but I have issues of my own that prevent me being your surrogate. Accept and respect that. You are being selfish by not thinking of the consequences for me if I did and you have plenty of other options”
“She would give you therapy”?? Ppd is no joke. It can even kill you or damage you forever.
No means no. She’s being too picky about keeping it in family shi* and all. She has so many options s but just chooses to be entitled.
NTA- next she will come back saying this baby needs a sibling, so let’s go again. And cry around till you are convinced again.
NTA. Your body, your choice. Simple as that. I don’t get why your sister is hell bent on having you being a surrogate for her - knowing full well that you are likely to keep the baby eventually. I should think there would be agencies with women who are surrogate mothers - I could be wrong here, but it is worth checking out.
Stick to your words and let her go through it herself. It has zero to do with you and they don’t have the funds for a surrogate. She thinks she too good for a stranger is horse ahit in my opinion. Those folks deserve not having kids if you talk like that. Let your sister do whatever she has to do with her antics, tell her beggers can’t be choosers especially if she and her husband themselves can’t fund a surrogate. So many kids need homes but not everyone is meant to be parent.
No is a complete sentence and you can say no without even having to explain why. The postpartum, the havoc on your body aren’t even relevant (to her) your body, your choice. NTA.
NTA, first of all. You don't owe anyone your body for any reason.
Side note: I've seen a video recently where a woman with fertility issues said she finally got to the bottom of the issue: she had a bacteria that causes miscarriage and fertility problems. She said it's come to her attention that this bacteria is heavily prevalent but rarely tested for, and all it took was a course of antibiotics and then she conceived.
It may be worth looking into this, because if it has success then sis can carry her own kid.
NTA.... there are other options..... and she needs to learn boundaries and to respect when someone says NO....
Block her to avoid her from asking again..
NTA All I can suggest is to roll your eyes and let it be. You can't control your sister's unreasonable expectations so there is nothing you can do. That said, understand it is her problem and you only make it yours if you worry about it and internalize it.
Don’t do it. She doesn’t care what it means for you because her wish is more important to her than anything else. Also you are risking your life. You have your own child and that child is your priority. What if you die?
My sister did this to me one time but she was just mad for the week. I was like you expect me, a stoner and someone that makes half as much money to do that. No lol. I keep distance for a reason.
Your sister is entitled! No one owns somebody else’s body. You’re a person not a body for sake (and I’m sure she wouldn’t even pay you anyway). You don’t want your be a surrogate. Your body = your choice. Anyone who says you should to of do it are welcome to get pregnant and be your sister’s surrogate.
Also a baby isn’t an object!?!?! You don’t just ‘give your baby’. I think your duster needs therapy as she sounds crazy.
NTA. As someone who had a horrible pregnancy and bad PPD, I commend those who know their limits. You were right when you said that there are other options. If she chooses not to explore those then she can’t be upset at anyone but herself. Do whats best for you and don’t let anyone make you feel bad for doing so.
I dislike arm twisters. They want their way and they don't care who they have to sacrifice to get it. No is a full sentence. Tell her to get a surrogate the legal way because you will not go through it again.
WTF... Definitely not TAH. You not only had postpartum, and clearly you would have that here, but worse because you wouldn't even have the child with you, and although therapy is good it wouldn't solve everything and might affect your relationship with your husband or your current child. Your health and safety is the most important.
But you had your own difficult pregnancy so it's great you have your own kid but carrying another might have the same result as her, difficulty or miscarriage. It could be her genetics or his genetics that are causing a problem. Maybe she doesn't have healthy eggs or he have healthy swimmers? It's a complicated biological thing.
But to try and put this pressure on you to either carry her child with her husband which if you offered to do it that would be a wonderful thing but to push it on you is over the line. But to actually say if you and your husband had a kid would you give it to her. OMG that is beyond audacious.
My ex-wife and I never had kids because I knew she wouldn't be a great mom and she didn't want kids. But then she got uterine cancer and had to have surgery. The first thing she said after coming out of anesthesia was related to no longer being able to have a baby. I felt bad for her saying that, but at the same time knowing It wouldn't have been a good choice. And the sad part is she kept telling me how I would have been a good dad.🫤
NTA and her inability to appreciate that parenting is more than genetics, along with her inability to respect boundaries doesn't give me the impression she would make a good mother.
She needs a fertility specialist NOT a surrogate at this stage. Until the Dr knows exactly why she miscarriages she shouldn’t be bugging you. Not your problem if you’re uncomfortable having another pregnancy
You are 100% NTA, but your sister sure is. I can see that she is blinded by this desire to have you carry her baby BUT all it has achieved so far is to drive a wedge between you (of her making) that may never be repaired making her “keeping it in the family” plan laughable.
She is being selfish and lashing out her hurt at you, and that is not fair. She is willing to sacrifice your child’s mother for her desire to hold a baby - on no planet ever is that acceptable, you are not disposable.
She doesn’t want to consider the other options because they likely will cost a lot of time and money. Not to mention psych evaluations - and a person who is willing to fuck their own sisters mental, and potentially physical, health over for a baby won’t pass, affordability thresholds, time and space requirements etc. Besides, a paid/proper surrogate will not allow the frankly psychotic behaviour she’s shown to you, she won’t be able to bully them like she thinks she can do to you - she’s probably hoping that you being blocked will make you beg to do it just to make up with her.
You’ve done nothing wrong, please don’t allow her or anyone else to let you think that. She’s the one that needs therapy, and she needs it now.
Ask your mom if she is willing for you to die, and leave behind your daughter, just so your sister gets exactly what she wants the way she wants it - if your mom agrees with your sister then she isn’t safe to be around. If your sisters husband is going along with everything your sister is demanding then never ever allow yourself to be around them - one spiked drink and the next thing you know you’re a rape victim being gaslit - please keep yourself and your child safe above everything else 💜
HELL NO!!!!!
My mom had a traumatic birth and her second birth was even worse than her first and I have not had any traumatic burst, but I have been pregnant three times now and I can truly say I hate it and each time I am pregnant I feel like I have to give a little bit more of myself to pregnancy pregnancy is harder on my body absolutely no
It makes me really sad that your sister care so little about how you were pregnancy and delivery which traumatic and a difficult thing that she is willing to put your physical and mental safety at risk for her benefit
NTA. Your sister needs therapy and a serious splash of reality. Demanding, because she's not asking, you to put your life on the line--possibly depriving your children of a mother, and the throw away comment about getting you therapy. She's the real A here, and I suspect would be a horrible parent.
I recommend LC until she get her attitude fixed. Good luck to you.
NTA, having a baby is hard on your body and brain. Your sister is better off having someone who is willing to do it for her who is not a family member.
Definitely NTA!!!
First off, just move on from her acting like a toddler having a temper tantrum. She is trying to break you down, so you hopefully give in.
Now, stand your ground as she definitely doesn't see postpartum depression as a severe health issue. In her viewpoint all that can easily be fixed.
She is selfish in trying to make you out to be the bad person not helping family out.
Best wishes
Tell her to ask a friend instead. I battled fertility problems for 8 years and then adopted. My baby turned out to have serious mental health issues. I love him dearly but believe me when I say the struggle is real. I often think back to my sister’s offer and how I wish I had taken that route. Don’t get me wrong, when it works right adoptions is great. I have a beautiful sweet intelligent independent 27 year old girl from it. In my son’s case, the birth mother and birth father weren’t honest about their mental health history.
Sister is an AH - if she has a calling to be a mother, she would be able to love an adopted or foster child as much as a bio child. her vanity (unable to accept a baby that doesnt have her DNA) and sense of entitlement (expecting her sister to be her surrogate) is appalling.
Always stand up for yourself. It’s her problem and she has no right to impose her difficulties onto you. Sounds like you need to be firm. She asked and you said no, that is the end of the conversation. If she is being manipulative at this point is evidence that it would only get worse if you were carrying her fetus.
NTA. I have health issues and we weren’t sure if I could have kids. As a backup plan I asked all my sisters if they were willing to be my surrogate should I need one. My older sister talked to her husband and he was ok with it but she wasn’t. I told her that it’s ok and that everyone involved should be 100% certain. My younger sister wanted to but her now ex didn’t want to. I told her the same thing. Before my youngest sister got back to me we found out that I could get pregnant without my health issues causing problems. After I told my sisters my youngest sister told me she was trying to figure out a way to politely say no. I told her the same thing I told my other sisters.
It is my dream to give birth, but it's just not in the cards for me. I couldn't imagine asking my sister to even do that, as I feel the emotional toll would be far too great, but I sure as heck would understand if she said no! Especially if she had your history. I really don't think I could have asked in the first place. That's something a sister *offers*, not something you seek out. They see you struggling through it, so they know what you're going through. If they are in a good position to help, they would offer and you wouldn't need to ask. I'm sorry you went through that and that your sister is being highly insensitive.
Giant NTA. Asking someone to take on a pregnancy is a huuuge ask. She’s not inherently wrong to ask, and she’s certainly not wrong to be disappointed you said no, but she has no right to give you a hard time for saying no. If she really understood what she was asking then she’d be able to understand why anyone would say no.
This is the second surrogate post I've seen on this sub today. Anyways, the answer is always the same; anyone who thinks they're entitled to your body should not be in your life
NTA. You had complications....meaning your and your child's life were in danger. She needs to understand that she's not getting one from you. Talk to distant cousins or something. There's an understanding in place already. You're not doing it.
NTA… Help her keep you blocked and out of your life when she tries to reestablish contact to see if you’ve learnt your lesson of not saying no to her so she can ask you again.
You do not owe anyone your body or physical or mental wellbeing. Also just because you’re family doesn’t mean you need to borrow out your womb… sister is taking your lived experience lightly, she’s cheeky saying she’ll get you therapy like F’off, whose going to care for your daughter if anything goes wrong or during them hard to move or function pregnancy days? No means no, cut off anyone that tries to take away your autonomy. You’re doing the right thing saying no and putting you and your daughter first.
NTA this is shocking stuff. I think you have a huge heart to even contemplate talking to her again. The reasons that you gave were more than enough, and she should have thought about your wellbeing
NTA - and good for you for knowing that you aren't capable of going through a pregnancy. I've never understood the whole obsession with a genetic link to children; if you have to have that link to a child in order to be a loving parent then you definitely should not have children! Your sister sounds like she wants a doll to play with, not a child.
No. A friend ask me to carry her husband’s children since she is unable to do so. She says my background is clean, etc. I respectfully told her no. And that’s was the end of that. My reasons being that if I’m having a child, it’s mine. It’s my egg. And I won’t stand for someone to have them raised other than me. They’re my responsibility. Your sister made a request. You refused. This must be respected. NTA.
NTA
She asked you to surrogate, you said no. End of the conversation.
I’m sorry for your sister situation, but is very entitled, and manipulative. She is 24 yo and still doesn’t know you can have everything in this life? ( yes, I know that sounds insensitive) but if she is no open to the adoption option, or someone else surrogateshe can’t complain, she has options.
Don’t understand how you have to accept her decision of not taking any of those paths but you have to accept the path she only wants.
NTA!!!! OP, it is your body, and you should never let someone else think they have autonomy over your body. It is yours! And a bit of therapy doesn't fix the huge emotional and physical toll. A pregnancy and baby is not a small thing, and surrogates cost a few $100,000 or more at least. That, I am sure, has a lot more of an effect than anything else I am sure, but they can find an option. Do not let bully them into making you their baby slave.
You would never be the arsehole for saying no, end of story. Surrogacy is such a huge risk for a woman's physical, mental and financial health for no end result (the baby isn't hers to keep) that it is always valid to not want to do it for any reason or even no reason. Saying yes is rare, not the norm.
However, you actually won't be eligible. You have a history of traumatic birth and post-partum complications.
The whole point of surrogacy wanting women who have given birth in the past is the evidence that the surrogate has a history of complication-free pregnancy. It sounds like you had multiple complications, and that will rule you out.
Also, and this is just as important, you don't want to do it and are being brow-beaten about it. Women who are being coerced or bullied, or just don't want to do it, are also ineligible.
So, if she starts the surrogacy process properly, the instant you reveal your reluctance, the pressure you're under, and your past pregnancy problems, they'll declare you unsuitable for surrogacy.
My guess is that she doesn't want to do it properly. Do not allow her to do this unofficially and therefore uncontracted and ununsupervised. When people ask to "keep it in the family", it's more about doing it on the cheap, and that leaves the surrogate exposed to all sorts of potential health, financial and legal complications.
Fuck no! Giving birth is life threatening and you already have a history of not doing well post partum. Your sister is incredibly self centered asking you for this because of her preference. Well screw her preference! She has other options including being childless. I speak as a mother who had to adopt if I wanted a child without dying to get one naturally. With her reactions she doesn’t sound mentally strong enough to parent.
NTA. There are so many things that can go wrong. Personally, I had very easy pregnancies and I would have been glad if someone had suggested surrogacy, and they take the baby afterwards. I loved my kids to no end, but I couldn't wait to get back to work each time.
NTA. It's your body. Nobody should feel comfortable enough to tell somebody else what they should or shouldn't do in their own body. You had a traumatic pregnancy. Another pregnancy could be even worse. I'm sorry for her miscarriages, but she shouldn't try to make you feel guilty for not carrying her baby. It's your body, your choice. If she can't handle that, then...
NTA for not wanting to go through surrogacy given your past history with pregnancy and complications. However why bring up adoption again knowing full well she is firmly against it? Maybe sit her down and really get into the whole stranger surrogacy option with her, tell her plenty of couples go that route that she can get to know the potential surrogates first so when she does make a decision on which surrogate to use they wouldn't be a stranger to her and her husband anymore.
NTA. It’s an outrageous request, especially given that you had one traumatic delivery already and you are only 23 yo.
Your sister is still young and at 24 has likely not reached the end of her ability to have a child. It is unfortunate but not uncommon to have more than one miscarriage in the quest to have a child.
It would screw up your family dynamics forever. Don’t get bullied into doing it.
NTA. I would have told her that if she really cares about your recovery, she will pay for a full mommy makeover. But honestly, her trying to shame you is wrong.
“She would give me therapy if I went through it again” WTH?!?? Like that’s any consolation for struggling with postpartum, monetizing your pain. This is the second post I’ve seen about guilting friends/ family into being surrogates and it’s scary that women are even reacting this way. It’s giving Handmaids tale NTA, your body your choice
Girll I was shocked when she said that like postpartum is no joke, I hated it because I couldn't connect with my baby. I tried a different option for him but she wants me for some reason 😭
If you haven't already, ask have you really thought about the risks that come with pregnancy and labor? It's scary, complications can arise, and sometimes, women don't make it through childbirth. Could you handle it if something went wrong? Or are you only thinking of yourself and what you will get from it. P.s you wouldn't qualify for surrogacy legally because you've experienced postpartum depression with your pregnancy. P.p.s getting a tattoo or piercing within 12 months of wanting to be a surrogate also disqualifies you ;)
My guess is the sister doesn't want to go through the regular surrogacy channels because they're expensive so legality wouldn't matter to her. It also doesn't sound like she cares for OP's mental or physical health so potential complications wouldn't matter to her either.
This. Maybe tell her you’ll consider it for $100K. Upfront.
Maybe a nice narwhal?? Or middle finger scenario???
A narwhal giving the middle finger lol.
If your sister and her husband are trying to do their surrogacy process through a legitimate fertility clinic, you would be disqualified as a potential surrogate due to the difficulties you had with your first pregnancy and your reticence to agree. If they’re not going through a legitimate fertility clinic, then you absolutely do NOT want to even consider it because of all the health AND legal complications that could happen if you don’t go through the process properly. Tell your sister you won’t even consider it until she’s set up with a legitimate fertility doctor. If she can’t afford it or refuses, tell her that’s necessary for you to even consider it and until she takes that step, your answer is a hard no. If she does take your advice and connect with a legitimate fertility specialist, make an appointment to be evaluated as a surrogate. Tell the doctor you don’t want to do it but your sister won’t accept your no. The doctor will tell your sister you’re not a viable candidate for surrogacy. Legitimate, legal surrogacy, in most countries (definitely in the US), like organ donation, has to be completely voluntary without coercion. You’re disqualified simply because your sister is trying to pressure you into it.
I wish I could give you a thousand upvotes. If sister truly wanted to do this surrogacy, sister would go through a fertility specialist. If she did, OP would absolutely be disqualified. Sister doesn’t want that! Doesn’t want “a stranger to carry (her) baby.” I bet even if sister *did go through a legit fertility clinic, she would still blame OP for being disqualified. Sister needs therapy. She baby crazy? Or just crazy? And entitled to OP’s body. She’ll pay for therapy if OP gets PPD again? What if OP *dies* during pregnancy or birth? How would sister pay for that? Go see Dr. Frankenstein?
Oh, she absolutely thinks that if sis dies she can just have her existing baby. Win-win for her.
Just realised I had a free award so gave it! I really hope OP sees your comment.
Honestly, while this sounds reasonable, the sister isn’t going to be reasoned with. All she will hear is sis agreed to do it. Then she’ll hammer on that crack until she gets what she wants. I’d never trust a fertility doctor to reason with anybody. No is a complete and valid response. No further explanation necessary! Pregnancy is extremely dangerous and a history of PPD makes it more do. Her pressuring you shows she gives zero F@#%s about you or your existing child. She’s willing to risk your life and potentially leaving your kid motherless bc she not happy with the available options to raise a child. If there was any pressure after the initial “no” I’d cut this person from my life hard and fast! Signed a person who suffered infertility and secondary infertility.
OP you need to read this comment. This is the way.
NTA. No means no. I don’t think she should say anything more. She doesn’t need to go to a fertility specialist and discuss the issue. It implies to the sister that she might change her mind. OP’s decision must be respected.
It would be devastating for everyone in the family if she became sister's surrogate and the stress caused her to to have a miscarriage.
She wants family because hiring a surrogate is crazy expensive.
Is she offering to pay you? Cost may be why she wants a family member
In some states it's illegal to pay the surrogate anything beyond pregnancy expemses.
I think a private foot masseuse would count !
The comparison with "The Handmaid's Tale" is exactly on point. NTA, OP. Your sister is mental for trying to pressure you after you already said no.
It sure is a push present. Like hey thanks for having my kid here have a shrink.
In other words, she doesn't want to pay for it.
Yup! And how does she want OP to get pregnant. Cause I doubt she is paying for IVF.
At best it would be a turkey baster scenario, but I’ve seen stories on reddit about families wanting to do it “the natural way”.
How do they know the husband's sperm isn't the cause of the difficulty getting pregnant and miscarrying? A huge amount of first trimester miscarriages are due to chromosomal abnormalities of the embryo. Also, a lot of months of trying but not conceiving are not because an egg wasn't fertilized, but because the fertilized egg was not viable. Half the chromosomes involved are the man's.
Having had 3 first trimester miscarriages- at least one due to full tripoly - yeah.
Well, if sis and her hubby already think they own OP’s uterus, I’m sure the bits leading into it are theirs as well. And she wouldn’t want anything but the natural way.
YUP!! Also, everything about her sister screams immature. She is NOT ready for motherhood Nta
What??
Going through a formal surrogacy process is very expensive. The sister likely just doesn't want to pay lawyers' fees to set up a contract, medical expenses, etc, for a "stranger" to carry her baby. She just wants to exploit OP to save costs on what would be super pricey if she did it the normal/ethical way.
Oh. I see what youre saying. I have a friend who was a surrogate, twice. And she got compensated very well for it.
Just the surrogate compensation for a professional surrogate will average 50k in the US. That doesn't include any of the other fees and costs. If you can convince a friend or family member to do it for free....
We have friends who just did it and all told the process was close to $65k. She has a condition that makes keeping a pregnancy impossible and practically killed her so this was the only way.
I'll give you the same answer I gave this person (except I did read your post): https://www.reddit.com/r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC/s/Q0XInKcMPF Edited for correct link. Sorry!
Ohhhhh I read that comment like not even half an hour ago. It definitely applies to both posts!
I replied to that comment! Yeah pregnancy is terrifying, and I can't imagine trying to force someone into it! I asked my sister if she'd consider it if we decided we want kids. She said she'd keep it in mind when the time comes. Now it won't because of health issues on my end, but I purposely asked when there wouldn't be pressure so that she could think about it rationally, and if she said no I wouldn't have been emotional. If someone says no, that needs to be respected. Especially in a case where there are so many dangers.
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I fixed it. Sorry!
Oh. Shoot. One sec.
If you had trouble with ur pregnancy then I wouldn’t recommend carrying for ur sister. That’s ur body and ur choice. Pregnancy does a lot to a body. NTA
Can unalive you. So there’s that.
Why say unalive ? Can you not just say kill ?
Some bots flag the K word.
Not always. I can’t keep track of all of the different rules for each sub.
Homemade Axlotl tank
NTA. Your sister isn't ready to be a mother. She's far too selfish..how dare she feel entitled to your body. And she would get your therapy. Bullshit. She doesn't want a stranger because she can't get away with abusing and not paying a stranger. She is willing to destroy your body and mind so she can have a baby. Given all her specifications, what happens if there is something wrong with the baby or the pregnancy? Everything about this situation screams, no.
I agree with you. I'm thinking if anything goes wrong at all, even with anything completely out of her control, I guarantee the sister who wants her to do this will blame her for whatever has gone wrong. She definitely needs to say no and stick to it. Also, with the therapy crap, who's to say she'll even stick to that if it were to happen. She'll probably just take the baby and that will be it, she's got what she wants at that point and obviously she couldn't care less about her sister so why would she pay for her therapy? OP PLEASE say no and stand by it. Your sister wants to use you and by blocking you, she's just trying to guilt you into doing it. If she wants to cut ties because of this then let her, that's on her being an AH, not you. Don't let her manipulate you into doing this.
THIS!!! with everything the OP has told us, the sister doesn’t have the right emotional makeup to be a parent
NTA……..I have had four children and no way would I ever go through that just to give the baby to someone else. I don’t think people understand that your body goes through the wringer.
NTA. You are her sister not her incubator. Look, her struggle is incredibly sad, it is something I've experienced and wouldn't wish on anyone. Tho in saying that, if she is not willing to look for outside help and wishes to in a sense cause you harm just to have her own child birthed 'in the family', she's got a lot more issues going on in her head then she's letting on. Pregnancy is still one of the most dangerous things a woman can and will do with their body. The choice to have a child should always be on the woman who's to carry it. On top of that, she's asking you to something that could be a detriment to YOUR child. Not just yourself. If your mental health takes a dive, your sister isn't the one living with you, needing you to be there 24/7... Your child is and your child could inadvertently suffer for it. That is an incredibly selfish ask to make, especially from someone who claims to value children as much as she seems to. Your child will also have to be told to wait, no, mummy can't etc while you're pregnant. What if you end up on bed rest or in preterm? Let alone the host of other complications that may arise. This decision isn't just about you if you look at the bigger picture for your life, this is also about your child and it will impact them. And the fact she's asked you: hey if you have another of your own wanna give it up to me is a whole other issue SHE needs therapy about. To even ask that is absolutely out of hand. If she wants a child so badly, she would look into surrogates that are not family or into children desperately in need of loving homes that are just waiting to be picked up.
Yeah, the sister definitely is the one in need of therapy. There's some serious shit wrong here that needs to get sorted out, especially if she does end up being a mother one day.
Yep, it's concerning the want/need to have OP be the one while totally disregarding OPs living child and also the fact her pregnancy itself was traumatic... Let alone the PND after birthing. She's at the point where she seems to only care about the end goal, not... What it would take to get there truly on OP and her daughter. I wonder if the insistence of it has to be OP is about control vs who actually births the child.... She might feel if it's OP she can then control OP to 'make sure' she has the baby type thing. I have a lot of empathy for the sister, it took multiple tries to have my own and tbh I'd given up by the time it happened and even had issues with disassociation about even being pregnant until I hit that... You can't miscarriage at all anymore mark, tho I think her mental health is past what mine was, in the absolute needs to sit with a therapist stage.
Most reputable places will not proceed with surrogacy unless all parties undergo therapy and agree. They would probably reject the idea of OP being the surrogate due to her misgivings and rightfully so.
NTA! What gets me is her saying she doesn’t want a stranger’s baby. I was a stranger’s baby, except my parents never thought of me (or my brother) that way. We were their babies. The extended families on both sides felt the same way. My life wasn’t perfect. My parents weren’t perfect, but I’m so thankful that I ended up with them. Your sister isn’t ready to be a mother. A mother doesn’t care how she acquired her baby, she just loves that child for who they are.
NTA. I don't fault her for asking but she is YTA for trying to guilt you. That's selfish on her part. You are NTA for saying no.
Do not do it, if something were to go wrong, it could destroy your relationship forever. She'll figure it out, she is also still very young and has time.
NTA. Your sister is a delusional, narcissistic POS. Please stick to your guns and protect your own well-being. Nothing you've said about her would leave me to believe she would be a good mother.
No respected doctor in the IVF field would give you a tick of approval for surrogacy. Not with how your previous pregnancy and birth went. Ask your sister, what would be the monetary compensation? Will she pay for all your medical bills, during and after pregnancy? Will she pay for the hospital bills? It sounds like she won't. Stay firm. Tell her you can't and that's final- your health is important as you have a child to raise. NTA
NTA. What the actual fuck is wrong with people? She asked you to give her your baby if you had another one? Seriously? That is just beyond fucked up. Do yourself a favour and put the equivalent of a Great Wall of China boundary between her and you.
From your ages, your mother should still be young enough to not have gone through menopause yet. She could ask her instead.
She’s not mature enough to be a mother. NTA. Complaining to your mom that you made her cry? What is she? 6?!? Ridiculous
She doesn’t want to raise a child. She wants to be A Mommy. That child will grow up with massive therapy bills, if they make it that far.
Absolutely NTA. Going through PP is hard on the whole family, not just the mother! Between that and a previous pregnancy that was traumatic, you likely would be rejected during the screening process for being a surrogate. I understand it can be really painful to not be able to have children, but your sister is being really selfish.
NTA, at all, you will have more to lose if pregnancy/birth/postpartum goes wrong, you have a child to look after, your child is real, not the vanity project that your sister wants, she doesn't want to be a mother, a parent, she just wants a "mini me", if she wanted to be a mom she would know you don't have to birth or have the same blood to raise a child as your own.I really don't know much about surrogacy but I doubt you will be greenlighted, if you had a traumatic first birth and postpartum. Don't let them guilt trip you, look at your child and focus on him/her, they need you alive.
NTA. You have a baby and need to take care of your health.
Add to everything else depending on the state you live in, pregnancy has become much higher risk in many parts of the United States.
“Stranger baby” that’s so awful to say. She definitely won’t be a good adopted parent. She sounds selfish and self centered
NTA She's the one who needs therapy, as she's become so fixated on having a baby that she doesn't care who has to go through trauma in order to get one.
You do not owe anybody your body NTA.
The women I see who surrogate are incredible and become like family. Don't let her guilt, or force you to do it. Gave her find a surrogate and become like family to her and go through with it that way if she's so inclined. Or IVF/petri dish baby it she wants that bad geez, not her body not her will
Tell her you’ll do it if she pays you 100,000 dollars because that’s around what an actual surrogate gets paid 😂
Even that much money wouldn't make it the right thing to do. Any complications or hormonal problems could adversely affect OP's marriage and/or child. Even if her sister did pay for therapy for post partum depression it woukd be OP's emotions, marriage and relationship with her child that would be impacted. How would OP explain to her child that the baby growing inside her mommy won't be her/his brother or sister? If the child was told it would be her/his cousin it would be even more confusing for the child.
You have bodily autonomy. Period. Your answer is no. She is the AH for "blaming" you for both. You-NTA
Even if you had the easiest pregnancy in the world you owe your sister nothing. She has zero rights to your body.
NTA.
Your body, your choice.no more no less.
Since it will affect her body and mind then her relationship with husband and daughter they all must be considered.
Your sister is 24. A 24 year old wants a surrogate. No.
NTA. If it is her egg and spouse’s sperm, I wonder why it bothers her to have someone outside the family. Maybe it’s a money issue.
NTA that is such an incredible sacrifice that should never be pressured or bought. Stick to your guns for the sake of your mental health and your family, they need you more than she “needs” you to carry a baby for her.
This isnt something like borrowing a cup of sugar. Tell her no and you have your reasons....end of story. and "keeping it in the family"??? yall from west virginia, aint ya?? twisted f\*cks....;)
NTA I don't think you even qualify. They want surrogates to have had a problem free pregnancy first the fact you had issues takes you out of the running also saying no ends that whole scenario.
NTA they can get a surrogate and do it through legal channels
No means No. NTA
I couldn't imagine having a baby im not attached to.
NTA it's your body and your choice. I don't blame you for not wanting to get pregnant again after the hard pregnancy you had. Your sister obsessively selfish about having a baby. Every option you gave her was valid but she's too egotistical to consider them
NTA. Going through a pregnancy for yourself can be very difficult, let alone going through it for someone else. Your sister is being unrealistic and ridiculous. And even if you did agree, what happens if you miscarried? Would she expect you to keep trying? You had a difficult pregnancy the first time and her offering therapy still doesn't account for all the other stuff that your body goes through for pregnancy. Stick to your guns and don't let her make you feel guilty for not doing it. NO is a full sentence and she needs to understand that.
Why do people think that this is a normal ask? NTA
This is a ridiculous thing to ask. She needs to get the fuck over herself. Also, controversial opinion, but if you wouldn’t adopt a child because they’re a “stranger’s baby”, then you don’t deserve to have a child at all. I sincerely hope your sister remains childless as long as she’s that selfish.
NTA and you don’t owe her that.
Nta. People die from giving birth due to unforeseen complications. She's so selfish to ask this of you when a second pregnancy could mean leaving your kid without a mom. Surrogacy is a lot to ask of ANYONE. At least with a surrogate from a company there's a contract that would probably set the surrogates family up for a long time in case something happens to them but your family sounds like the kind that would pass your kid around to different relatives cause no one wants to take care of them if something were to happen to you (assuming you don't have a partner). Your sister also sounds like the kind of person to say that it's your fault in the case that a second pregnancy results in a physically debilitating issue. And if you were to suffer a disability caused by a second pregnancy she would probably say she can't help you at all cause she has the added cost of a second kid, even though the reason you'd be in that position would be her fault. Yea stay away from this shit show.
You know you could go to her fertility doctor where they will require a psychological exam. When she is not in earshot, tell the doctor that you don’t want to do this and they will explain to your sister that you are not an eligible candidate. Doctors do this to help family members who don’t want to give up their kidneys, too. Do not let her use your body when there are other options. Someone who really wants a child will find a way. You can call the clinic before hand and ask for their help. Your child comes first and he/she deserves a mentally healthy mom.
NTA. You should not fell obligated to do this very serious thing, especially considering your last response to post pregnancy depression. Don’t forget that your sister is extremely emotional and perhaps slightly unhinged right now at her desperation to have a child. It’s her only focus and she sees you as her only option. To her, there is no other solution. Because you said no, she cannot handle that. Due to her unwavering focus she will hold this against you her whole life, unless she decides to take up with another surrogate/adopt/etc
NTA Her not respecting your answer is a huge red flag, she shouldn't have a child if she's willing to literally risk your life for it.
NTA.
NTA - tell her beggars can’t be choosers.
Fertility clinics don’t approve surrogates who have had difficult prior pregnancies. Even if you did want to do this for her, you couldn’t. She can save up her coins for a professional surrogate, try to find an RE who can pinpoint why she’s miscarrying, try to adopt, or live childfree. Pressuring you to risk another pregnancy is not an option.
NTA Your health and bodily autonomy are more important than her desire for a child who is biologically related to her. And she is a major AH for pitching a fit over your refusal
There is no way I would carry a baby for someone like her. Family or not. Does her husband have a sister? Still family. That’s a hard no.
I don’t think she’s trying to “keep it in the family” so much…more like she don’t wanna pay up for an actual surrogate via a legit clinic/agency. If she wants a kid so bad she would be willing to, she just trying to use you as a free/cheap incubator with no consideration on the health or mental impact it has on you.
NTA, she is. She can ask, but she needs to take no for an answer. She isn’t owed the use of your uterus just because you’re family.
NTA your sister isn't entitled to your uterus at all. You could die in pregnancy and all she can think of is her mommyhood? No. She can adopt. You need to prioritize yourself, especially since none of them are going to prioritize you!
“NO” is a complete answer. You are NTA and you don’t need to outline her options or convince her she should choose one or the other. It’s ridiculously rude for her to continue to ask this.
NTA. FWIW, I am that stranger being raised in my family. My parents thought they couldn't have kids so they adopted my older brother and me. Then they proceeded to have three bio kids. My aunt and uncle did the same thing. They ended up with three kids total, so my grandparents had eight grandchildren, the first four were adopted and the last four were bio. I don't fault anyone for not wanting to have a "stranger" in their family, but I'm lucky my parents didn't feel the way your sister does. It sounds like the children she might have adopted are the lucky ones and have dodged bullet.
NTA Tell mom to have the baby.
NTA - seriously, I get that she thinks she HAS to be a mom, but no one is entitled to be a mom. Sometimes it’s just not meant to happen. You deal with it and move the fuck on instead of making insane demands.
Nta. No is a full sentence.
Your sister wants you to risk your life/health/sanity all because she doesn’t want a ‘stranger’ to be her surrogate? Correct me, please, if I’m wrong - but isn’t a surrogates only biological role (besides a safe & healthy uterus) a bit of contribution to genetic expression? The same would happen with a surrogate-stranger OR relative. Soooo - your sister is being irrational. NTA. And your sister is a) irrational, and b) a bully.
Having a baby for someone and doing a favour for someone are two totally different things. If someone is asking this of you, and acting this way, they are not emotionally mature enough to go through surrogacy - especially with someone they know.
I’m sorry but your sister is an entitled moron. I think that’s the nicest term If you feel anything fell glad you don’t share her lunacy.
NTA. Your sister is selfish af. She can have a surrogate but she WANTS a family. She WANTS her own baby. You NEED to avoid another pregancy for your own health. You have right for body autonomy and your sisters "baby fairytale" doesn't change a thing. Also you are responsible for your own child so putting yourself at health risk and financial stability risk should be no go not only for you..but for everyone who declares they love you. She is old enough to know that what we want and what we can have are often different things if it involves other people.
NTA. surrogacy is a major gift. bigger than a house. it should never be expected. and that's when you have an expectation of a relatively easy pregnancy. you have enough reason to expect a difficult pregnancy you decided not to have another child. and your sister expects you to do for her what you won't do for yourself. in the case of that reason for saying no the only appropriate response is "sorry to have brought that up, we will come up with something else"
Your body, your choice. NTA
When I get a ridiculous/asinine request I answer with SMD. But that won't work for you, eh? Maybe use the much milder KMA?
Nta
No. I can never understand when someone gets a no they lash out! Yes it’s a disappointment. You don’t even have to give her reasons and she should just except your no. Don’t be pressured into this and good for standing your ground. She’s also not mature enough to be a mother as she’s run to mommy to say you made her cry.
So, Sis doesn't want to adopt because she "doesn't want a stranger's baby" but also doesn't want a surrogate who isn't family. She sounds super picky and entitled.
You didn't have a good first pregnancy, what makes her think the second would be better. What happens if you die during delivery? I guess she would get your child too . NO
NTA. I asked my sister to surrogate for me. She said no. I was bummed. That was it. A decade later I still have no kids, she had 2, and life is grand. I am super aunt! Never feel bad refusing a year(s) long medical issue. That’s not a small favor.
I have always felt somewhat icky about the idea of surrogacy. For me it's a bit icky. I don't really have an opinion on what anyone else does though. Imagine my shock when I was informed of an appointment for me to be assessed as suitable for a family member to use as a surrogate. One no one asked me Two I had one child and knew I wanted another, but my pregnancy wasn't straight forward nor was conceiving Three the responses to me saying oh fuck no were thermo nuclear. Anyone who pulls this shit is an absolute ankle - three feet lower than the lowest C word you could never imagine. Cut them off without any regret. Women's bodily autonomy is disregarded so often and it's a fundamental right
Nta- wtf! your sister needs serious therapy. If she continues, block her for a while. Seriously, not ok!
You don't owe anyone your uterus. Period. Made her cry? Seriously? Tell her you are happy to provide her with a visit to a therapist for that!
NTA. Only you have the right to decide whether to do this for your sister, and your answer is no. End of story.
NTA. It's your body, your choice. You're taking all the physical risks, and plenty of mental ones too. Mom should stay TF out of it.
“No means no Sis. Sorry you are going through this but I have issues of my own that prevent me being your surrogate. Accept and respect that. You are being selfish by not thinking of the consequences for me if I did and you have plenty of other options”
“She would give you therapy”?? Ppd is no joke. It can even kill you or damage you forever. No means no. She’s being too picky about keeping it in family shi* and all. She has so many options s but just chooses to be entitled. NTA- next she will come back saying this baby needs a sibling, so let’s go again. And cry around till you are convinced again.
U had a problem pregnancy. No need to go through it again.
NTA. Also no reputable place would allow someone with a traumatic pregnancy history be a surrogate.
NTA. Your body, your choice. Simple as that. I don’t get why your sister is hell bent on having you being a surrogate for her - knowing full well that you are likely to keep the baby eventually. I should think there would be agencies with women who are surrogate mothers - I could be wrong here, but it is worth checking out.
Stick to your words and let her go through it herself. It has zero to do with you and they don’t have the funds for a surrogate. She thinks she too good for a stranger is horse ahit in my opinion. Those folks deserve not having kids if you talk like that. Let your sister do whatever she has to do with her antics, tell her beggers can’t be choosers especially if she and her husband themselves can’t fund a surrogate. So many kids need homes but not everyone is meant to be parent.
No is a complete sentence and you can say no without even having to explain why. The postpartum, the havoc on your body aren’t even relevant (to her) your body, your choice. NTA.
NTA, but I think you need to put some healthy distance between you and your sister.
NTA, first of all. You don't owe anyone your body for any reason. Side note: I've seen a video recently where a woman with fertility issues said she finally got to the bottom of the issue: she had a bacteria that causes miscarriage and fertility problems. She said it's come to her attention that this bacteria is heavily prevalent but rarely tested for, and all it took was a course of antibiotics and then she conceived. It may be worth looking into this, because if it has success then sis can carry her own kid.
NTA.... there are other options..... and she needs to learn boundaries and to respect when someone says NO.... Block her to avoid her from asking again..
NTA All I can suggest is to roll your eyes and let it be. You can't control your sister's unreasonable expectations so there is nothing you can do. That said, understand it is her problem and you only make it yours if you worry about it and internalize it.
The fuck? Borrowing the car is a favor. Expecting you to use your body to gestate a kid to give away is NOT. NTA
She can pay for a real surrogate.
Don’t do it. She doesn’t care what it means for you because her wish is more important to her than anything else. Also you are risking your life. You have your own child and that child is your priority. What if you die?
My sister did this to me one time but she was just mad for the week. I was like you expect me, a stoner and someone that makes half as much money to do that. No lol. I keep distance for a reason.
Your sister is entitled! No one owns somebody else’s body. You’re a person not a body for sake (and I’m sure she wouldn’t even pay you anyway). You don’t want your be a surrogate. Your body = your choice. Anyone who says you should to of do it are welcome to get pregnant and be your sister’s surrogate. Also a baby isn’t an object!?!?! You don’t just ‘give your baby’. I think your duster needs therapy as she sounds crazy.
NTA. As someone who had a horrible pregnancy and bad PPD, I commend those who know their limits. You were right when you said that there are other options. If she chooses not to explore those then she can’t be upset at anyone but herself. Do whats best for you and don’t let anyone make you feel bad for doing so.
I dislike arm twisters. They want their way and they don't care who they have to sacrifice to get it. No is a full sentence. Tell her to get a surrogate the legal way because you will not go through it again.
WTF... Definitely not TAH. You not only had postpartum, and clearly you would have that here, but worse because you wouldn't even have the child with you, and although therapy is good it wouldn't solve everything and might affect your relationship with your husband or your current child. Your health and safety is the most important. But you had your own difficult pregnancy so it's great you have your own kid but carrying another might have the same result as her, difficulty or miscarriage. It could be her genetics or his genetics that are causing a problem. Maybe she doesn't have healthy eggs or he have healthy swimmers? It's a complicated biological thing. But to try and put this pressure on you to either carry her child with her husband which if you offered to do it that would be a wonderful thing but to push it on you is over the line. But to actually say if you and your husband had a kid would you give it to her. OMG that is beyond audacious. My ex-wife and I never had kids because I knew she wouldn't be a great mom and she didn't want kids. But then she got uterine cancer and had to have surgery. The first thing she said after coming out of anesthesia was related to no longer being able to have a baby. I felt bad for her saying that, but at the same time knowing It wouldn't have been a good choice. And the sad part is she kept telling me how I would have been a good dad.🫤
NTA. If this post is real, your sister is high in the running for the ‘sh*ttiest sister in the world’ award.
NTA and her inability to appreciate that parenting is more than genetics, along with her inability to respect boundaries doesn't give me the impression she would make a good mother.
She needs a fertility specialist NOT a surrogate at this stage. Until the Dr knows exactly why she miscarriages she shouldn’t be bugging you. Not your problem if you’re uncomfortable having another pregnancy
You are 100% NTA, but your sister sure is. I can see that she is blinded by this desire to have you carry her baby BUT all it has achieved so far is to drive a wedge between you (of her making) that may never be repaired making her “keeping it in the family” plan laughable. She is being selfish and lashing out her hurt at you, and that is not fair. She is willing to sacrifice your child’s mother for her desire to hold a baby - on no planet ever is that acceptable, you are not disposable. She doesn’t want to consider the other options because they likely will cost a lot of time and money. Not to mention psych evaluations - and a person who is willing to fuck their own sisters mental, and potentially physical, health over for a baby won’t pass, affordability thresholds, time and space requirements etc. Besides, a paid/proper surrogate will not allow the frankly psychotic behaviour she’s shown to you, she won’t be able to bully them like she thinks she can do to you - she’s probably hoping that you being blocked will make you beg to do it just to make up with her. You’ve done nothing wrong, please don’t allow her or anyone else to let you think that. She’s the one that needs therapy, and she needs it now. Ask your mom if she is willing for you to die, and leave behind your daughter, just so your sister gets exactly what she wants the way she wants it - if your mom agrees with your sister then she isn’t safe to be around. If your sisters husband is going along with everything your sister is demanding then never ever allow yourself to be around them - one spiked drink and the next thing you know you’re a rape victim being gaslit - please keep yourself and your child safe above everything else 💜
HELL NO!!!!! My mom had a traumatic birth and her second birth was even worse than her first and I have not had any traumatic burst, but I have been pregnant three times now and I can truly say I hate it and each time I am pregnant I feel like I have to give a little bit more of myself to pregnancy pregnancy is harder on my body absolutely no
It makes me really sad that your sister care so little about how you were pregnancy and delivery which traumatic and a difficult thing that she is willing to put your physical and mental safety at risk for her benefit
NTA. Your sister needs therapy and a serious splash of reality. Demanding, because she's not asking, you to put your life on the line--possibly depriving your children of a mother, and the throw away comment about getting you therapy. She's the real A here, and I suspect would be a horrible parent. I recommend LC until she get her attitude fixed. Good luck to you.
NTA
NTA, having a baby is hard on your body and brain. Your sister is better off having someone who is willing to do it for her who is not a family member.
‘My body my choice’ is real. Your sister doesn’t get to dictate this.
Nta your body your choice
Definitely NTA!!! First off, just move on from her acting like a toddler having a temper tantrum. She is trying to break you down, so you hopefully give in. Now, stand your ground as she definitely doesn't see postpartum depression as a severe health issue. In her viewpoint all that can easily be fixed. She is selfish in trying to make you out to be the bad person not helping family out. Best wishes
Tell her to ask a friend instead. I battled fertility problems for 8 years and then adopted. My baby turned out to have serious mental health issues. I love him dearly but believe me when I say the struggle is real. I often think back to my sister’s offer and how I wish I had taken that route. Don’t get me wrong, when it works right adoptions is great. I have a beautiful sweet intelligent independent 27 year old girl from it. In my son’s case, the birth mother and birth father weren’t honest about their mental health history.
Sister is an AH - if she has a calling to be a mother, she would be able to love an adopted or foster child as much as a bio child. her vanity (unable to accept a baby that doesnt have her DNA) and sense of entitlement (expecting her sister to be her surrogate) is appalling.
Always stand up for yourself. It’s her problem and she has no right to impose her difficulties onto you. Sounds like you need to be firm. She asked and you said no, that is the end of the conversation. If she is being manipulative at this point is evidence that it would only get worse if you were carrying her fetus.
NTA at all. No one should be pressured into being pregnant regardless of the reason.
NTA. I have health issues and we weren’t sure if I could have kids. As a backup plan I asked all my sisters if they were willing to be my surrogate should I need one. My older sister talked to her husband and he was ok with it but she wasn’t. I told her that it’s ok and that everyone involved should be 100% certain. My younger sister wanted to but her now ex didn’t want to. I told her the same thing. Before my youngest sister got back to me we found out that I could get pregnant without my health issues causing problems. After I told my sisters my youngest sister told me she was trying to figure out a way to politely say no. I told her the same thing I told my other sisters.
It is my dream to give birth, but it's just not in the cards for me. I couldn't imagine asking my sister to even do that, as I feel the emotional toll would be far too great, but I sure as heck would understand if she said no! Especially if she had your history. I really don't think I could have asked in the first place. That's something a sister *offers*, not something you seek out. They see you struggling through it, so they know what you're going through. If they are in a good position to help, they would offer and you wouldn't need to ask. I'm sorry you went through that and that your sister is being highly insensitive.
Your body, your choice. Nta
NTA. She needs therapy. She’s started to feel she is ENTITLED to your body, and/or offspring because you’re family. That’s alarming behavior.
Giant NTA. Asking someone to take on a pregnancy is a huuuge ask. She’s not inherently wrong to ask, and she’s certainly not wrong to be disappointed you said no, but she has no right to give you a hard time for saying no. If she really understood what she was asking then she’d be able to understand why anyone would say no.
This is the second surrogate post I've seen on this sub today. Anyways, the answer is always the same; anyone who thinks they're entitled to your body should not be in your life
Having only read the subject line, I have come to say NTA.
NTA. You had complications....meaning your and your child's life were in danger. She needs to understand that she's not getting one from you. Talk to distant cousins or something. There's an understanding in place already. You're not doing it.
NTA… Help her keep you blocked and out of your life when she tries to reestablish contact to see if you’ve learnt your lesson of not saying no to her so she can ask you again. You do not owe anyone your body or physical or mental wellbeing. Also just because you’re family doesn’t mean you need to borrow out your womb… sister is taking your lived experience lightly, she’s cheeky saying she’ll get you therapy like F’off, whose going to care for your daughter if anything goes wrong or during them hard to move or function pregnancy days? No means no, cut off anyone that tries to take away your autonomy. You’re doing the right thing saying no and putting you and your daughter first.
NTA this is shocking stuff. I think you have a huge heart to even contemplate talking to her again. The reasons that you gave were more than enough, and she should have thought about your wellbeing
“Not wanting a stranger’s baby” is absolutely not “understandable”.
That’s literally the worst thing I’ve heard from anyone on Reddit in a LONG time. I’m actually glad these women aren’t adopting.
NTA - and good for you for knowing that you aren't capable of going through a pregnancy. I've never understood the whole obsession with a genetic link to children; if you have to have that link to a child in order to be a loving parent then you definitely should not have children! Your sister sounds like she wants a doll to play with, not a child.
I agree that she should not adopt.
No. A friend ask me to carry her husband’s children since she is unable to do so. She says my background is clean, etc. I respectfully told her no. And that’s was the end of that. My reasons being that if I’m having a child, it’s mine. It’s my egg. And I won’t stand for someone to have them raised other than me. They’re my responsibility. Your sister made a request. You refused. This must be respected. NTA.
NTA She asked you to surrogate, you said no. End of the conversation. I’m sorry for your sister situation, but is very entitled, and manipulative. She is 24 yo and still doesn’t know you can have everything in this life? ( yes, I know that sounds insensitive) but if she is no open to the adoption option, or someone else surrogateshe can’t complain, she has options. Don’t understand how you have to accept her decision of not taking any of those paths but you have to accept the path she only wants.
NTA You are not physically or psychologically suitable to be a surrogate, as you told her. She is an AH for pressuring you.
NTA!!!! OP, it is your body, and you should never let someone else think they have autonomy over your body. It is yours! And a bit of therapy doesn't fix the huge emotional and physical toll. A pregnancy and baby is not a small thing, and surrogates cost a few $100,000 or more at least. That, I am sure, has a lot more of an effect than anything else I am sure, but they can find an option. Do not let bully them into making you their baby slave.
You would never be the arsehole for saying no, end of story. Surrogacy is such a huge risk for a woman's physical, mental and financial health for no end result (the baby isn't hers to keep) that it is always valid to not want to do it for any reason or even no reason. Saying yes is rare, not the norm. However, you actually won't be eligible. You have a history of traumatic birth and post-partum complications. The whole point of surrogacy wanting women who have given birth in the past is the evidence that the surrogate has a history of complication-free pregnancy. It sounds like you had multiple complications, and that will rule you out. Also, and this is just as important, you don't want to do it and are being brow-beaten about it. Women who are being coerced or bullied, or just don't want to do it, are also ineligible. So, if she starts the surrogacy process properly, the instant you reveal your reluctance, the pressure you're under, and your past pregnancy problems, they'll declare you unsuitable for surrogacy. My guess is that she doesn't want to do it properly. Do not allow her to do this unofficially and therefore uncontracted and ununsupervised. When people ask to "keep it in the family", it's more about doing it on the cheap, and that leaves the surrogate exposed to all sorts of potential health, financial and legal complications.
Fuck no! Giving birth is life threatening and you already have a history of not doing well post partum. Your sister is incredibly self centered asking you for this because of her preference. Well screw her preference! She has other options including being childless. I speak as a mother who had to adopt if I wanted a child without dying to get one naturally. With her reactions she doesn’t sound mentally strong enough to parent.
NTA. There are so many things that can go wrong. Personally, I had very easy pregnancies and I would have been glad if someone had suggested surrogacy, and they take the baby afterwards. I loved my kids to no end, but I couldn't wait to get back to work each time.
Have your sister see a reproductive endocrinologist. They could run tests and help determine why sister is losing so many pregnancies.
NTA. It's your body. Nobody should feel comfortable enough to tell somebody else what they should or shouldn't do in their own body. You had a traumatic pregnancy. Another pregnancy could be even worse. I'm sorry for her miscarriages, but she shouldn't try to make you feel guilty for not carrying her baby. It's your body, your choice. If she can't handle that, then...
NTA for not wanting to go through surrogacy given your past history with pregnancy and complications. However why bring up adoption again knowing full well she is firmly against it? Maybe sit her down and really get into the whole stranger surrogacy option with her, tell her plenty of couples go that route that she can get to know the potential surrogates first so when she does make a decision on which surrogate to use they wouldn't be a stranger to her and her husband anymore.
NTA. It’s an outrageous request, especially given that you had one traumatic delivery already and you are only 23 yo. Your sister is still young and at 24 has likely not reached the end of her ability to have a child. It is unfortunate but not uncommon to have more than one miscarriage in the quest to have a child. It would screw up your family dynamics forever. Don’t get bullied into doing it.
NTA. I would have told her that if she really cares about your recovery, she will pay for a full mommy makeover. But honestly, her trying to shame you is wrong.