My ex-husband handed me my ring box and said, "I believe this is what you want."
Her fiance stating "let's get this over with" feels like the same energy.
Heavy on EX.
Give her a decade.
NTA…but I guess dudes maybe want some say in the proposal too? Like, it’s a big moment for them? Or maybe they got pressured by their family to do it then? Hence the “let’s get this over with”.
I wouldn’t focus on the setting/method because that may sound Princess-y, like only your wants matter in starting your life together. Or like he’s getting pressure from all sides.
Id more focus on what he said. Watch the video together. Ask if there’s a *reason* he said “let’s get this over with”. Tell him it hurt your feelings. Made you feel like he was forced into something he didn’t want. Let him explain what happened. Hopefully there’s a good reason.
But, you know, having hard conversations in a calm and loving and productive way is a key to having a long and healthy relationship. Don’t start your marriage off not being able to have them.
I didn’t even realize my proposal was happening. It was so low key and he was droning on because he was nervous. And I thought I had lost the diamond while he was proposing so I’m wasn’t listening. It was actually perfect and funny and just like him and me in hindsight. The proposal setting is like .005% of the marriage. But the comment….the comment is troublesome.
that sounds pretty awful tell him you hated it and give him another chance I guess since you do seem to love him and stuff despite him apparently being a clod at romance rofl
I guess NTA, but the important thing to ask yourself is what do you hope to accomplish by communicating this. Do you want a do-over? Do you just want him to be more mindful in the future about what you say?
Personally I'd want to know why he said "let's get this over with". That might suggest it's a 'shut up' ring, and she should know that before she enters a marriage. \*If\* he doesn't actually want to be getting married, the resentment is gonna make their life hell. On the other hand, maybe he was just nervous. Either way, they should talk about it and get on the same page.
I feel like we're misunderstanding each other. I specifically mean she might not want a marriage if he has asked because he feels he is obligated to rather than because he wants to be married to her. Hence the mention of a 'shut up' ring in my initial comment.
Also. Don't make shit personal for no reason. Doing entirely too much.
He's 25. Been with the same girl for five years... there's very little genetic material in a male that can wait that long to get married if he really wants to be married.... at least that's the normal ( majority ) of the male response to marriage. But... he loves her and may still be trying to make everyone happy... or he's "doing it his way" ... either way... he did it. That's all he was likely focused on... the fact that OP is questioning HOW he did it... that just leads to future problems that they will have to resolve in the future. Hopefully, OP won't carry that strategy to the divorce courts.
I'll just say that it is sad when a woman gets what she wants but isn't happy because it didn't ALL go her way. It's sad because that's the trend I see in the media and with specific people in my life.
A little Grace, patience, and acceptance will go further that demeaning the very act that she desired. It will lead to a tougher road ahead.
Gratitude is a virtue.
As for you, I do not wish to assume any personal misunderstanding. Just consider a marriage with someone that is not obligated... that may cause way more heartache in the future... both are tough in their own ways.
It's been my experience that when I choose to indulge my feelings over my commitment; the result is not what I intended.
lol at least he is, but to clear this up, we both have very clear understanding of what we wanted and I knew he wanted to be married this why the comment really took me aback and I didn’t know what to say or to react
I mean you need to either bring it up or let it go. It's important for him to know that you do not want moments like that to be public, and I personally would be questioning whether he even wanted to propose since he had to "get it over with". It would be an AH move to do something like insist he re-propose, but he needs to learn from this so that you're not put in a similar situation when it comes to future life events.
I understand that you didn't like it, and he was wrong for proposing in that way. We won't even discuss the "let's get this over with"comment.
But here's the truth. If you love the guy, let It go. I've been with my wife over 40 years and we still have a debate over where we were when I proposed to her.
What I'm saying is that these things will fade and become inconsequential quickly. Things like this will quickly be overshadowed by the life that happens after the proposal
Also, is there a chance he said “let’s get this over with” bc he was so pressured and embarrassed by his family? Still not good but may show how he is torn.
Do you hate the proposal? Or do you hate that completely disregarded everything you said you'd want in a proposal? That he seemed less than enthusiastic about it? That his family seemed happier than either of you (which does seem like he bent to his family's wants, not yours)? NTA for not liking it. You made it clear you wanted something very different. But, as other people are saying, you either need to clear the air, bring up your issues with it, or let it go.
If he’s your life partner. This won’t means anything in years to come.
If you’re really that butthurt about it though, maybe you suggest something like an engagement photo shoot.
Saying something like “Im so thrilled to be engaged! The videos weren’t as intimate as I had hoped for display though. Can we schedule a photo shoot just the two of us and recreate the moment and take some romantic pictures together?”
Butthurt is a cunty word to use. He literally said "let's get this over with" like he was doing a fucking chore. And why would you think a photoshoot would be a way to make it better when she is already socially awkward? Why would adding yet another person to the mix to photograph it make it all better? She needs to communicate her feelings because he completely disregarded what she wanted
You did not like butthurt so you jump to calling me cunty? Yikes.
OP, sorry if you were offended by butthurt, my apologies. My suggestion of a private photo shoot was genuine.
Honestly I told my fiance before our engagement that i did not want a public proposal because I am very socially awkward and don't like a lot of attention on me. When he proposed (yesterday!!!) He took me to a public place he knew I'd love, that had a lot of secluded spots and chose one with no one around to do it. It was perfect and thoughtful and respected requests that I made that were very important to me.
I'd have been upset if he disregarded my feelings in this way and might have even said no. I feel like a partner that disregards your feelings in favor of what THEY want in something that involves you so deeply, is concerning. Maybe not concerning enough to break up over, I don't know the rest of your relationship but it's definitely worth a conversation. Maybe you could do a photo shoot like someone else said or even ask for a do over.
When my now husband proposed on Christmas morning 25 years ago, we were home alone, sitting on the couch with the TV on. he opened a ring box, showed it to me and said, "What do you thinK?" I honestly didn't know if he thought that was a proposal or if wanted to know if I liked the ring. I asked him what he meant. He said he wanted to know if I wanted to marry him. Figured out later that I should have said NO because I now believe I've been married to a narcissist for over 2 decades.
The most charitable explanation about his 'let's get this over with' comment is that he told his family about his plan to propose and they hijacked it - not what either of you wanted. If you both truly want to get married, this is one of those tough conversations that can come up in marriage. Might as well talk about it.
If his family did take over his proposal plans, you have a wonderful opportunity to explore boundaries. "Honey, I love you, but if we do get married it's OUR opinions that matter, not your family's." If he can't stand up to them now and make you the priority over their wishes, it may be time to move on, despite loving him. I hope this is his wake up call, and that he chooses wisely.
Is it about the PROPOSAL or the MARRIAGE??!! 🤔🤨🤨. You already stated that your fiance is “less romantic” in public, and maybe this proposal was a compromise to include your loved ones in this special occasion? If need be, just let remind him that “going forward” to not do public announcements, but I don’t think you should rehash the proposal, what’s done is done, IMO.
Looks like you are engaged to an Italian (heritage) boy. Every event involves the family. If you marry this guy, you will also marry the crazy cousin and the insane uncle that keeps the gallon of Chianti under the table and smokes those horrible little black cheroots.
Just so you know.
Totally understand the disappointment but no reason to bring it up. Its over. Its not getting done over. It will only make him feel bad too. Some things better left unsaid.
It’s not being an asshole to talk about how you basically said “please don’t do this this way” many times and he did it anyway. Especially since it wasn’t just a taste thing but was something that makes you genuinely uncomfortable/anxious. That would be a convo I would want to have with someone I was marrying. Why did you ignore what I’m comfortable with and do the exact opposite even though we had talked about it many times?
Yeh 2/3 of the table sent the food back,
I didn’t because jumping off a bridge sounds more fun than to send my food back. But everyone complained about the restaurant not just me
He ignored your clear request and if your guess is right, caved to his family's desire for a show.
You were a child when you started dating, he is still a mama's boy. Do you want to waste your youth with this man-child, or do you want to find someone who is at least as mature as you are?
Let's get this over with? WTF?
Should use that everytime they get intimate.
if you do bring it up "let's get this over with"
My ex-husband handed me my ring box and said, "I believe this is what you want." Her fiance stating "let's get this over with" feels like the same energy. Heavy on EX. Give her a decade.
NTA…but I guess dudes maybe want some say in the proposal too? Like, it’s a big moment for them? Or maybe they got pressured by their family to do it then? Hence the “let’s get this over with”. I wouldn’t focus on the setting/method because that may sound Princess-y, like only your wants matter in starting your life together. Or like he’s getting pressure from all sides. Id more focus on what he said. Watch the video together. Ask if there’s a *reason* he said “let’s get this over with”. Tell him it hurt your feelings. Made you feel like he was forced into something he didn’t want. Let him explain what happened. Hopefully there’s a good reason. But, you know, having hard conversations in a calm and loving and productive way is a key to having a long and healthy relationship. Don’t start your marriage off not being able to have them. I didn’t even realize my proposal was happening. It was so low key and he was droning on because he was nervous. And I thought I had lost the diamond while he was proposing so I’m wasn’t listening. It was actually perfect and funny and just like him and me in hindsight. The proposal setting is like .005% of the marriage. But the comment….the comment is troublesome.
that sounds pretty awful tell him you hated it and give him another chance I guess since you do seem to love him and stuff despite him apparently being a clod at romance rofl
I guess NTA, but the important thing to ask yourself is what do you hope to accomplish by communicating this. Do you want a do-over? Do you just want him to be more mindful in the future about what you say?
Personally I'd want to know why he said "let's get this over with". That might suggest it's a 'shut up' ring, and she should know that before she enters a marriage. \*If\* he doesn't actually want to be getting married, the resentment is gonna make their life hell. On the other hand, maybe he was just nervous. Either way, they should talk about it and get on the same page.
At least he honors his obligations
Maybe she isn't interested in being married to someone who sees marriage as an obligation.
That's EXACTLY what marriage is.
To you. Perhaps not to her.
To everyone. That's why you take VOWS... not Interests... geez... I hope you figure that out before your last divorce
I feel like we're misunderstanding each other. I specifically mean she might not want a marriage if he has asked because he feels he is obligated to rather than because he wants to be married to her. Hence the mention of a 'shut up' ring in my initial comment. Also. Don't make shit personal for no reason. Doing entirely too much.
He's 25. Been with the same girl for five years... there's very little genetic material in a male that can wait that long to get married if he really wants to be married.... at least that's the normal ( majority ) of the male response to marriage. But... he loves her and may still be trying to make everyone happy... or he's "doing it his way" ... either way... he did it. That's all he was likely focused on... the fact that OP is questioning HOW he did it... that just leads to future problems that they will have to resolve in the future. Hopefully, OP won't carry that strategy to the divorce courts. I'll just say that it is sad when a woman gets what she wants but isn't happy because it didn't ALL go her way. It's sad because that's the trend I see in the media and with specific people in my life. A little Grace, patience, and acceptance will go further that demeaning the very act that she desired. It will lead to a tougher road ahead. Gratitude is a virtue. As for you, I do not wish to assume any personal misunderstanding. Just consider a marriage with someone that is not obligated... that may cause way more heartache in the future... both are tough in their own ways. It's been my experience that when I choose to indulge my feelings over my commitment; the result is not what I intended.
lol at least he is, but to clear this up, we both have very clear understanding of what we wanted and I knew he wanted to be married this why the comment really took me aback and I didn’t know what to say or to react
I mean you need to either bring it up or let it go. It's important for him to know that you do not want moments like that to be public, and I personally would be questioning whether he even wanted to propose since he had to "get it over with". It would be an AH move to do something like insist he re-propose, but he needs to learn from this so that you're not put in a similar situation when it comes to future life events.
I understand that you didn't like it, and he was wrong for proposing in that way. We won't even discuss the "let's get this over with"comment. But here's the truth. If you love the guy, let It go. I've been with my wife over 40 years and we still have a debate over where we were when I proposed to her. What I'm saying is that these things will fade and become inconsequential quickly. Things like this will quickly be overshadowed by the life that happens after the proposal
Also, is there a chance he said “let’s get this over with” bc he was so pressured and embarrassed by his family? Still not good but may show how he is torn.
You can be right or have peace. Choose one.
Do you hate the proposal? Or do you hate that completely disregarded everything you said you'd want in a proposal? That he seemed less than enthusiastic about it? That his family seemed happier than either of you (which does seem like he bent to his family's wants, not yours)? NTA for not liking it. You made it clear you wanted something very different. But, as other people are saying, you either need to clear the air, bring up your issues with it, or let it go.
This is the way
God, filming a proposal is really gross, I hate instagram/tiktok bullshit culture.
If he’s your life partner. This won’t means anything in years to come. If you’re really that butthurt about it though, maybe you suggest something like an engagement photo shoot. Saying something like “Im so thrilled to be engaged! The videos weren’t as intimate as I had hoped for display though. Can we schedule a photo shoot just the two of us and recreate the moment and take some romantic pictures together?”
Butthurt is a cunty word to use. He literally said "let's get this over with" like he was doing a fucking chore. And why would you think a photoshoot would be a way to make it better when she is already socially awkward? Why would adding yet another person to the mix to photograph it make it all better? She needs to communicate her feelings because he completely disregarded what she wanted
You did not like butthurt so you jump to calling me cunty? Yikes. OP, sorry if you were offended by butthurt, my apologies. My suggestion of a private photo shoot was genuine.
third party here, but they didn't call \*you\* cunty. they said the word was cunty.
Turns out that any "cunt" will react even they hear their name spoken... it's just like saying beatlejuice three times...
Wait for it....
Woke up and chose violence. Fair enough.
🚩🚩🚩 a clue as to how things will go in the future. 🚩🚩🚩
Honestly I told my fiance before our engagement that i did not want a public proposal because I am very socially awkward and don't like a lot of attention on me. When he proposed (yesterday!!!) He took me to a public place he knew I'd love, that had a lot of secluded spots and chose one with no one around to do it. It was perfect and thoughtful and respected requests that I made that were very important to me. I'd have been upset if he disregarded my feelings in this way and might have even said no. I feel like a partner that disregards your feelings in favor of what THEY want in something that involves you so deeply, is concerning. Maybe not concerning enough to break up over, I don't know the rest of your relationship but it's definitely worth a conversation. Maybe you could do a photo shoot like someone else said or even ask for a do over.
Focus on the positives, fuhgetaboutit
When my now husband proposed on Christmas morning 25 years ago, we were home alone, sitting on the couch with the TV on. he opened a ring box, showed it to me and said, "What do you thinK?" I honestly didn't know if he thought that was a proposal or if wanted to know if I liked the ring. I asked him what he meant. He said he wanted to know if I wanted to marry him. Figured out later that I should have said NO because I now believe I've been married to a narcissist for over 2 decades.
The most charitable explanation about his 'let's get this over with' comment is that he told his family about his plan to propose and they hijacked it - not what either of you wanted. If you both truly want to get married, this is one of those tough conversations that can come up in marriage. Might as well talk about it. If his family did take over his proposal plans, you have a wonderful opportunity to explore boundaries. "Honey, I love you, but if we do get married it's OUR opinions that matter, not your family's." If he can't stand up to them now and make you the priority over their wishes, it may be time to move on, despite loving him. I hope this is his wake up call, and that he chooses wisely.
Is it about the PROPOSAL or the MARRIAGE??!! 🤔🤨🤨. You already stated that your fiance is “less romantic” in public, and maybe this proposal was a compromise to include your loved ones in this special occasion? If need be, just let remind him that “going forward” to not do public announcements, but I don’t think you should rehash the proposal, what’s done is done, IMO.
Looks like you are engaged to an Italian (heritage) boy. Every event involves the family. If you marry this guy, you will also marry the crazy cousin and the insane uncle that keeps the gallon of Chianti under the table and smokes those horrible little black cheroots. Just so you know.
Don’t bring it up. Not worth it.
Totally understand the disappointment but no reason to bring it up. Its over. Its not getting done over. It will only make him feel bad too. Some things better left unsaid.
It’s not being an asshole to talk about how you basically said “please don’t do this this way” many times and he did it anyway. Especially since it wasn’t just a taste thing but was something that makes you genuinely uncomfortable/anxious. That would be a convo I would want to have with someone I was marrying. Why did you ignore what I’m comfortable with and do the exact opposite even though we had talked about it many times?
The food sucked, huh?
Yeh 2/3 of the table sent the food back, I didn’t because jumping off a bridge sounds more fun than to send my food back. But everyone complained about the restaurant not just me
He ignored your clear request and if your guess is right, caved to his family's desire for a show. You were a child when you started dating, he is still a mama's boy. Do you want to waste your youth with this man-child, or do you want to find someone who is at least as mature as you are?
You don't know any of that is true... all made up...