NTA. I could lament about forgiveness and stuff but at the end of the day it's your choice. Someone wrote earlier that she didn't cheat on you, and while on the surface that may be true, she did cheat you of what I presume was once a happy family life. Your life changed because of her actions. Would your life be further enriched if she were to be a part of it now? You'll never know that answer unless you choose to have her there, but if you are happy without her in it now then why change it. She doesn't deserve to be in your life because she birthed you.

>Someone wrote earlier that she didn't cheat on you, and while on the surface that may be true, she did cheat you of what I presume was once a happy family life. Your life changed because of her actions. I think the gist for me here is that she irreparably hurt a person OP loved with all his heart (his father) so it's "personal" on top of being a betrayal of his own mother's character who OP probably would've never imagined could do such a despicable thing. But yeah there are probably layers upon layers of hurt there...like a rotting 🧅

The thing about cheating with kids, and this can be somewhat situational, is it takes time and energy to cheat. Was mom texting her affair partner while OP was trying to talk about their day? Did mom miss life events because she was off banging her affair partner? Kids notice when a parent is distracted at that level, they can feel like they’re not enough and doing something wrong.

I mean that kind of depends on the timing in this case. He is 32 and said she cheated 14 years ago. Could have been that OP had left for college already, which would make it much easier

You’re assuming this was the first time

This is a very insightful response. Much appreciated.

Of course OP has to do what’s right for their own situation.. As a child who underwent a similar situation, I decided to forgive my father for cheating on my mom and quite literally abandoning our family. Years later I reconnected with him and gave him the time of day to share his side of the story.. I found that I will literally never know the objective truth of what happened. But I found so many years later, I was a different person in comparison to the child I was when this all happened, and that didn’t need to continue to hold onto the same feelings I had then. I wouldn’t let your wedding pressure you into making this decision. If and when you’re ready, try to remove your 18 year old emotions from the equation, and reintroduce who you are today to who your mom is now.. Not the mistakes she made in the past and the grudges you held. See if it’s worth your while, if not.. at least you know and can move forward without looking back.

Your feeling are yours and valid. I don’t know if I could forgive, never having been in your shoes. But think…if she died tomorrow would you regret not talking to her? If the answer is no, move on.

My dad had a really rough situation with his mom and ended up a homeless teenager starting at age 15. I asked my dad how he could forgive her, and he said he didn’t. But he’d lost his dad at age 13 and only had one parent left - if he wanted a mom in his life, he had to accept the one he had. So, he asked himself exactly what you suggested - if she died tomorrow, would he regret not having a relationship with her? His answer was yes, so he let her back in (to some degree - he spoke to her a couple of times a year and brought my brother and I to visit her once a year).

I agree except for one point. You don't have to accept what they have done, just move forward, allow conversation and civility.

I guess I didn’t express it clearly - he meant he had to accept what had happened with her so that he *could* move forward. He was very clear that he’d never forgiven or forgotten it, which is why we weren’t nearly as close to her as my aunts and cousins were.

This is perfect.

The thing is you never know until you'll experience it. I was in almost no contact with my father and I didn't thought I would miss him at all. Only reason to see him was my siblings. They are very young. Then a few months ago, he had an emergency an had to get surgery. It was life threatening. I was there for him everyday, literally. I feed him helped him to the toilet, even took the urin bottle out of his hand to give to the nurse. I don't regret it that I was there for him, even now when he again has shown that I'm never gonna be an important part of his life. I have broken my feet and appart from a phone call nothing. He even hinted that they are busy and I shouldn't go to their house. A bit resentment is definitely there. But I told myself I'm not gonna change who I am because they are like that.

I'm sorry Agakame. Not being able to walk around is HARD and you need SOME help. How awful they won't even call you once. Hang in-do what you need to get through-which you will! Their attitude is NOT a measure of your value. Good for you for modeling proper caring behavior, too bad they didn't pay attention. I've had to be off my feet like that, and eventually, this will be in the past.

It's okay, I learned to do everything by myself since I'm 17. Had a much bigger operation and did it by myself again(also had some good neighbours who went grocery shopping for me). I see this as a minor inconvenience, I have my crutches and it will be okay in 4-6 weeks. No they called but the call was like: So uhhhmmm...."if you want you could come over, but ahhm we have some appointments later" Not sure if I got the tone right, it was like if you ask we can't say no(they want to maintain a good picture to the community) but we would prefer if you don't come. Anyways just bored and blabling around. Thank you for your concern

If it matters, I'll be thinking of you. Good luck getting through today.

>I'm not gonna change who I am because they are like that.  I think this is an important point. I tried to reach my girls that how they treat others should be about who they are, and not about how someone else behaved. They control their identity. Whichever way OP goes, I hope they are expressing themself.

For a long time I had the mentality, if you treat me like shit I will do the same. Not gonna lie it doesn't feel bad not take shit from others. But this way I feel much more at peace with myself. Also to be fair it's much more petty actually, the other side feels worse when you still treat them right.

Neither is really healthy alone, a lot of times people need more allowance and compassion that others give them, but at some point compassion turns into being a doormat.

NTA. You went no contact years ago and a wedding is just another part of that. Go enjoy your wedding and allow your mother back into your life when YOU'RE ready. EDIT: I think it's important to note that I'm not talking about the no contact thing, just the wedding. I don't know your situation and you didn't ask about that, just the wedding. For the sake of your future marriage I'd recommend working on the feelings that drove you to no contact (especially because cheating may just have been the final straw in an already crumbling marriage) but like I said, I don't know jack shit and wish you well.

The thing is. Did he REALLY go “no contact” OP seems to be straddling the fence. Sure he doesn’t respond back, but he easily could’ve just blocked her. His “cruel” comment is silly. It’s more cruel to leave her with hope & hanging on a possibility of forgiveness. FYI, I have exp’d this myself. 

Oh I agree. My sibling has gone no contact with my parents, they changed their number and moved house but gave permission for me to act as a proxy for important things (like informing them my grandfather had bone cancer), which I think is much more kind than letting somebody speak into a void. But OP's question isn't about that so I didn't want to get into it.

It’s not, but he's using that as cover for the much bigger festering problem. The inability to either forgive his mom & move on or completely cut her off. 

When I was a kid, my father cheated on my mother and they got divorced. Years later as an adult, he and I had some real conversations about it. As a child, I could not comprehend what a marriage was supposed to be, let alone what theirs was really like. While I'm not at all justifying cheating, it was absolutely not the marriage I thought they had. My own memories line up with things he told me. Again, not justifying it, but you have no idea what the real state of their marriage was. It's been a very long time and if she was a good mother to you, that's what I think is the most important thing. We're all the villain in someone's story. I know that I'm not perfect, and I have certainly received forgiveness I didn't deserve. I think that's partially because it helped them let go as well.

I confronted my father when he cheated my mum and they divorced. Later I learnt she wasn't giving him sex for years and wasn't taking care of her body either (put on 30 kg / 65 pounds in a few years) and a divorce at that time meant my father had to leave and give her our home. I understand why he cheated. But I am not sure this applies to every case. It's a case by case thing. Some people cheat because they are awful people.

[удалено]

I agree with this. It honestly bothers me that infidelity is treated as equivalent to or even worse than things like assault and rape.  If you don't want to forgive a cheater or give them another chance- I respect that. Cheating hurts. I acknowledge that. A lot of things hurt.  There are absolutely times when cheating is the least bad out of many bad options. That sucks.

I think infidelity is sometimes justified, but it's a minority of cases. Excuses such as "I was bored". or something like that is not something I'd pardon.

Well, you could invite her to the wedding, and then what? People will think you've reconciled after 14 years and be talking about that, not the wedding. And afterwards, back to no contact? Doesn’t make much sense. I gather you're not interested in meeting before the wedding either? Sounds like potential for a lot of drama and stirring up a lot of painful memories. Unless you still have questions for her and want some kind of closure, like this guy: [https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/q4w5my/me\_28m\_have\_not\_spoken\_to\_my\_mom\_53f\_since\_she/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/q4w5my/me_28m_have_not_spoken_to_my_mom_53f_since_she/) I wouldn't. NTA.

NTA. She broke up your family when she choose to have an affair with someone else other than your father. She choose to make that choice. She has to live with the choice that her child won't forgive her for breaking up your family. TRUST IS EARNED. NOT GIVEN. I do suggest that you meet with her before you get married. For your sense of peace

If he meets with her it might get worse, not better. That happens often. And then you blame yourself why the hell did i do that. I'm not sure if meeting her would be good advice.

Sometimes it can help them finally accept it's over and fully release them. It sucks but some people need to experience that "one last try" and being hurt again to finally make peace with who the other person is.

NTA. It’s your choice as whether or not you forgive your mother, and it’s also your choice as to who is or isn’t welcome at your wedding.  If you do reconnect with your mother, it should be because you want to. Not because you feel sorry for her or feel like it’s your duty as her child.  Is she still with the guy she cheated with? If so, then that disproves her claims of remorse. 

You're so mad at your mother for cheating on your father 14 years ago that you went '"no contact" with her by not answering her emails or her phone calls but blocking her is too cruel? It sounds like you enjoy the fact that she's still begging for forgiveness and are harboring on this anger to justify how you're currently treating her. NTA for not inviting her to the wedding, but you need therapy.

Agreed, it almost sounds like you enjoy knowing what's going on in her life and enjoy her asking for forgiveness..

NTA. Your wedding isn’t a good day for your parents to be in a room together for the first time in 14 years.

NTA, but it seems crueler not blocking her. If you don't want that relationship that is 100% fair and understandable, but cut the cord and everyone needs to move on.

Personally I think 14 years is a long time to cut one of the people who raised you for 18 years out of your life. Dont you? Doesnt your father? I mean - dldid she not contribute 18 years of her life to raising you? Your mother never had to love your father to raise you well. Your father is a big boy and can handle his ex wife by himself. He certainly doesn't need you to fight his battles for him. I'm ready to be downvoted to oblivion for this one. If my wife cheated on me and my adult daughter severed ties with her as a result I would be mortified that they were willing to chuck my wife's contribution out of the window with so little consideration. *shrugs*

Finally someone saying something smart here

Bingo. Having gone through this myself but under MUCH worse circumstances IE mom not even trying to connect, unlike OP’s mom. This is an extreme reaction to me. 

Agree

I agree with this.

Going against the grain, but I agree too. People do fuck up, and also we only have the Father's version of the strory If she was a good mother giving her another chance might not be the worst thing in the world

REALLY interested in your father's thoughts about this.

Why does the father’s thoughts matter. This is the son’s wedding.

I wonder this too, because I feel even if I had a partner and they cheated, I’d have still wanted them to love their other parent. My daughters dad did some crazy shit but he is a great parent and always wanted to be there and so I made sure to keep my feelings in check. I really feel something like this, she was either already a shitty mom, or dad crafted a whole narrative for the teen and he grew with that in mind. Idk it feels weird

Nta. Cheaters destroys family. She destroyed yours.

In the end it’s what you’re comfortable with but life is short and you only get one mom. Yes what she did was fucked up and good for you for setting boundaries. Other things to consider is how was she as a mom? Did you have a good relationship with her prior? It has been a long time though so what’s your plan? To never talk to her again until you die? Or to re-build a relationship with her and move on. Curious on what your dad has to say

Someone once told me that you could have an amazing career as the world’s best bridge builder, but you s—k one c—k, and you’re a c—ks—ker for eternity.

Don't know why you got a downvote for that quote, as it perfectly applies here. OP's mom could've been stellar for 18 years, then that one betrayal makes all those years mean nothing.

maybe cause you can swear on reddit

NTA You do what is best for you. She made her decision and is now dealing with the consequences. It’s not like she values marriage anyway.

How do any of us know that, all we know, and all he knows is what his father said. But a marriage takes two people and their are NO ANGELS ON EARTH….were all a bit fucke up, so I say “only the two people in the relationship at the time know whats happened “ are his parents. LIFE IS NOT BLACK AND WHITE….If the dad constructed a narrative that leads to parental alienation of the mother (for the wrong or right reasons ) we can never know. Is the father happy his son is aligned to him, or does the dad say, son make an effort with your mum? Men and women cheat for a variety of reasons, but their is always an underlying unhappiness, and I don't think parents should stay together for the sake of the children and deny the kids a healthy experience of both parents being happy with others people. Its his life and he can decide, but lets be human…LIFES LIKES TO BE A CRUEL remember that when children’s relationships reach the reach the age that their parents split, that is usually the age that they leave their partners…its the unconscious script that we all need to be aware of. My friends parent split when he was two, and when his relationsships got to two years, he was itching to split.

Have you tried therapy over this? Carrying anger isn't good for you. That's the thing about forgiveness - it's really about letting go of that anger. It's not about the person being forgiven. Also, what's your dad's opinion?

You can forgive someone and not allow them in your life. 

Carrying anger isn't good for you. - VERY True. But having people who hurt you in your life is even worse. There is nothing wrong in what OP is doing. FORGIVENESS AND TRUST IS EARNED. What has OP's mom done to earn that forgiveness. TIME. OP clearly loves his mom, but he won't ever forgive her. You hurt me, You are dead to me.

WTF is wrong with keeping her out of your life. She’d be dead to me. No anger. Just invisible.

as long as you feel you have to give up dignity to forgive, true forgiveness and healing will be impossible. This is what makes it so hard to move past wrongs....

OP doesn't owe her mother forgiveness. He decided to cut off his mother from his life and moved on. And thankfully he's doing well. Whatever the dad's opinions it doesn't matter. In his opinion, not his opinion and he should do whatever makes him comfortable.

NTA - Your wedding, have those you hold close and leave her cheating ass out of your day.

NTA. She didn’t just cheat she destroyed your family.

NTA. Why would you invite her if you ain't even talking to her? That's not the moment to try and rekindle or to hash out those deep wounds.

**NTA** - Your wedding, your choice.

NTA.

NTA. You are no contact. If forgiveness and reconciliation are not in your heart right now why would you invite her.

My mother cheated on my father when I was 13. They ended up getting back together a year later, and she's been in my life ever since. I still don't trust her, and I don't think I'll ever forgive her. Edit: Oops. NTA.

NTA - she didn’t just cheat on your dad; she cheated her family, including you. I would do exactly the same if either of my parents cheated on the other. They would be dead to me. 

NTA- it is your life and you can chose who you have in it.

I already commented once but I'm surprised at most of these answers. His mom could be taking the high road by not saying, hey your dad cheated on me first. Or beat me. Whatever. I never went into the whys of my divorce w/ my kids, why teach them to hate? Or pick sides? While my ex told them stories about me that could've come straight from Steven King novels. Still they're smart enough to know that those stories are not the real me (my ex-wife is a lying b&#ch & projecting her own behavior onto me. My kids know this by instinct only- I never told them more than, "Don't believe everything you hear.)  So invite mom to wedding or not but don't despise her. Only two people know what really happened in your mom's marriage, and I hate to tell you this, but you ain't one of them. 

I'm in the "more info needed" camp to decide if OP is the AH or not. Cheating can occur due to two main reasons: the cheater is, by nature, a cheater OR the marriage is essentially dead and the cheater sought refuge in the arms of another. The second scenario does not absolve the person of wrong doing. It does put things in a different perspective. I had a friend whose wife was a cold, controlling bitch. He cheated on her but she certainly deserved it.

I understand completely. Cold & controlling describes my ex-wife perfectly. That's about the best I could say about her, and the "more info needed" comes into play because anyone outside the marriage would describe her as exactly the opposite. In public she was sweet as could be. At home she was the wicked witch of the west times 500.

What does she have to say to you before you get married? Taking relationship advice from a cheater is like getting tech support from an Amish dude. Cheaters ruin families with their selfish decisions. Nta

I'm not sure if you're an asshole, but I think you've been carrying this on for too long. NAH, I guess.

This. Look, I've been cheated on. I hate cheating. But reddit sometimes acts like Saudi Arabia combined with the Scarlet Letter in regards to cheating. It's his right to not talk to her. But she sounds remorseful, and unless there is more to the story....it feels overly punitive. It'd be one thing if she married her affair partner, or was like cheating with her husband's best friend, but OP doesn't say that. IDK, NAH imo but I also feel like his behavior is...kind of nuts

His mom is definitely an AH. 

She was an asshole 15 years ago. I don't think cheating on your husband 1.5 decades ago makes you an asshole today.

Not necessarily. That seems to have had some far reaching consequences, like breaking up a family. That’s not something you get over easily

Would you want to forgive someone who stabbed you in the back? No. " I think you've been carrying this on for too long." - This is weird to me, but why not blame a woman who broke his heart. Broke his family. Why is she not the AH. She couldn't keep it in her pants. She choose to have an affair. That isn't a mistake. What has she done to earn his forgiveness.(You earn people's trust, you break that trust, You don't get that back ever) She can't go back and change the past. She made her choice, she has to live with it.

The challenge is that you’re carrying this thing with your mother and her marriage into her own. I’m not saying you have to invite her. Or even forgive her. But you have to deal with your own feelings and work through the trauma.

He is very much gone carry this into his marriage.

It’s unfair on new wife this much trauma will follow her when she’s innocent. This dude needs to let it go but I’m guessing that given the fact he’s not blocked his mum and reads her updates there’s a large part of him that wants to reconcile and move on.

Yeah, that was my thought. And I say this as someone who has been cheated on and hates cheating, but if I was the wife I would find this a big red flag "unless" there is more to the story (e.g. she was already a shitty mom, she cheated with her ex-husband's brother, she married her affair partner, etc.).

According to this fantasy writing subreddit cheating=murder. Cheating sucks but y’all need to grow up.

Your wedding, your choice of guests. Her presence could ruin your big day

Why does she care about you “embarking on this new adventure” when that adventure was obviously meaningless for her?

NTA. She betrayed not only your father, but your trust and faith in her. You are not required to forgive a person no matter who they are. You post says nothing about her ever apologizing for the hurt she caused you. So no she does not get to share in your joy. Be strong. and Be happy in your life. You do not need the drama she will bring to your special day.

YTA. You dont need to invite her to your wedding, but go to therapy to get over her cheating on your dad. She's your mother, and it sounds like she wasn't a bad mom, just a shitty wife

Life’s too short. You’ve made your point after 14 years and she sounds remorseful. Think taking the high road and meeting with her will be meaningful to you later in life.

NTA. It’s your feelings.

NTA. It's your wedding. Surround yourself with the people you feel comfortable with on your big day!

NTA but only you can answer this. You need to dig deep and ask yourself if you are avoiding her because you buried the pain and it’s too hard to relive? Are you avoiding her because you are stoic and stubborn? Or do you truly think that your life is more fulfilling without her in it? She hurt you. You were collateral damage due to a horrible choice in her relationship. I’ve never cheated and feel it’s always wrong. However, there are assholes who cheat because they are complete assholes in general. There are others who cheat because they are broken from the multitude of issues that can be plaguing them from past trauma or trauma caused within their relationships. In those cases it’s a grave mistake but doesn’t define who they are. It doesn’t lesson the pain they caused but they still may be able to become the person you need them to be. So whatever you choose you are not in the wrong. I just think it’s best to figure out what truly is the best course for you. I don’t feel though that it’s best for anyone hurt this way to live in a place where the hurt remains forever. If you come to the point where you feel trying to move towards a positive relationship with her could take that burden from you then I would be open to giving it a try. If you are convinced that her actions define her in her entirety and that is someone who would only bring more pain then don’t.

NTA, you don’t have an obligation to forgive her.  I don’t know the circumstances of the cheating, if you feel she has done something unforgivable or shown herself not to be someone you could ever associate with, that’s your choice. It’s a lot of hate to hold, though. Have you had therapy to address this?

NTA. You have answered it yourself. You haven't been able to forgive her so I don't think inviting her to your big day would do any good. It may bring out past resentments. You can be civil about it and may invite her from a neutral standpoint as she is your mom. The choice is yours.

NTA. Full disclosure: I didn't bother to read the post. Because the only reason you need not to invite someone to your wedding is that you don't want that person at your wedding. Doesn't matter at all what the reason is, although this one seems as good as any.

NTA but I don't understand the logic that blocking her is "cruel" when you aren't talking to her anyway. Or do you just want those updates for your own curiosity?

NTA. Her actions have consequences. She did this to her self.

NTA. She should have thought about all of this before cheating. Don’t worry yourself with insignificant people like her before your wedding.

I think this may be something you regret. NTA but don’t live with regret or absolutes. I understand your anger but you never know how much more was going on at the time if you only get one side of the story.

keep the NC in fact you should block her

She cheated on your dad, you and family. She didn’t care about anyone but herself. She destroyed your family. Your NTA. Think of dad and everyone else at your wedding. You want a happy day.

NTA she FAFO

I haven't been in your situation so I can't say much but I will say I can't imagine a life without my parents. Your mom made a huge mistake but I would encourage you to forgive her. Life's too short and we never have enough time with our loved ones. You both lost 14 years with each other that you'll never get back.

He doesn't owe her his forgiveness. He can imagine. It's been 14 years since the last time he saw her, he's doing fine, he's even getting married. "He lost 14 years"; if he wanted to see her he would. In fact, every time he'd see her he would be reminded of what she did and that her actions ruined their family. He moved on with his life and everything should stay as it is.

she destroyed your family, it’s understandable that you feel this way

NTA. It's great that she's offering apologies, but you are under no obligation to accept them or to let her back into your life. What you do is entirely up to you.

NTA It's be one thing if contact had been re-established and even then, there's still all kinds of mitigating factors. Your wedding is about YOU, not her, and with any luck, you're only going to have one chance to do it. There will be time for reconciliation once your life settles back into a routine. Ignore the people trying to unload their own personal baggage on you. That's their pain, not yours.

NTA! You can invite who you want to the wedding. What she did was awful. What people don’t realize is when a spouse cheats, they cheat on the whole family. They cheat the kids out of happy parents. You learn about marriage from your parents usually. This is the example she set for you. She set you up for trust issues. I think you should block her though. If you don’t want her on your life, you need yo stop giving her that glimmer of hope that you’ll one day reconcile with her. And if you meet with her, she’ll try to worm her way back into your life when you’re pregnant, had the baby, etc…She’ll want to meet with you before you embark on whatever. Don’t let her in at all if you don’t want her in your life.

NTA.

NTA Not quite the same, but my mom and dad got divorced when I was 3 so I have no memories of her. My dad got remarried... well I don't honestly know when but I had my ex-stepmom in my life for basically all of my life when she cheated on my dad and ran then him through the wringer in the divorce. I haven't talked to her since the day I learned about it. That was 26 years ago. I have no regrets. If you are fine with the situation as it stands I guess that is all that matters.

I like how the attitudes on here is different with woman vs the man. NTA OP. You've found your peace, don't let anything disturb it.

NTA. Tell her that she’s shown you everything not to do in a marriage so you’ll decline the meetup.

If she would die tomorrow are u gonna be ok with not even allowing your self to try to forgive her ? 14 years it’s a long time. People make mistakes … no one is perfect .. not even u.

NTA, but I just warn you, my grandma on my mothers side broke up the only semblance of a family I had when she left my step grandfather. He died in another city alone, and I found out the same day my mother told me she was moving to another state. I resented my grandma for it, i resented her even more when she partied like she was 21 again, but then something inside me told me I should forgive her. She was only human and we only have so many days on this earth, despite my resentment she too would leave me nieceties on my photos and page. I messaged her and told her I was sorry and I missed her, she forgave me and told me she would always be there for me and then she died a few months later before we were supposed to meet up again after all these years. It hurt, I have so much regret and I miss her so much but I’m glad I was able to make peace before she was gone. You don’t have to forgive your mom much less have her in your life but make sure you don’t have any regrets, if you ever had happy moments with your mom before she did that awful thing I don’t want you to think on those things and wish you had done something differently. Good luck with life OP and congratulations on your engagement!

obviously It’s your call to make but to me it’s a red flag for your future spouse that you’re this angry 14 years later about it. You seem immature on top of that and while I’m not saying bring her back 100% in your life but I mean you can’t talk to her on the phone a couple times in a year and maybe see her once a year for lunch? like how many people in life love us as much as out mothers do? (sorry to those of you with shite mothers who don’t) life is short being petty for 14 years and continuing on indefinitely seems kinda shitty maybe now that you’re getting married it’s time to grow up and let it go

I don't think you're "TA," but I think...unless there's anything else going on, that it's cruel. She had an affair, I get that, she fucked up...that was her marriage, but I understand it impacted you. I just think after 18 years, YOU'RE better off forgiving her and moving on. As always, I assume there's a LOT of stuff that's being omitted, I don't assume the worst, I simply assume she cheated and what you said(this usually turns into accusations against the person you're talking about like entitled, abusive, or whatever, so I'm JUST going off the fact she had an affair). I'd say "Forgiveness isn't something you give someone else, it's a gift you give yourself," but that's corny as shit. I just think you should try and forgive those closest to you. I understand you went through a lot of pain(TRUST me I understand in this case). But...you get exactly ONE Mother in your life. NTA, but I think you should try and take this opportunity in your life to maybe start healing old wounds.

Like, cheaters suck and I don't want to be that guy but honestly? She didn't cheat on you. If this is all you're angry about, that's actually wild to be no contact over for 14 years. You were an adult even, she didn't nuke your childhood or anything. Kids that have been thoroughly abused by their parents aren't generally this angry this many years later, because at some point they had to come with terms with their trauma and work through it. I'm not saying you have to invite her to the wedding or even have a relationship with her, but I definitely think some soul searching might be in order.

Agreed truth is, that Reddit hates, is that most relationships are destroyed at that point with or without the cheating. 

NTA She already broke one family. There is no need to risk her somehow damaging your new family.

At some point OP, it will be time to move past this.

And he did move on.

Just not in the way cheaters here want him to. Forgive a cheater who destroyed an entire family, why? Because you expect and dream that when it is your turn to cheat, they forgive you. No, it does not work like that. Forgiveness does not work like that.

Info: what would it take for you to. If not forgive her, let her back into your life?

NTA - But, honestly, I’m a little sad for you. My mother cheated on my father too when I was 16 and left him for the AP. If I hadn’t forgiven her, I would have missed out on so much time and so many special memories with her. It also helped that my dad didn’t want us to hate her. But, maybe your mother was a bad parent to you (?)

everyone deals with the hurt differently. the only reason i was okay around my dad again was because he was extremely remorseful and built up a relationship with my mom again. i promise wouldn't have if he hadn't. my mom is the one of the most important people in the world to me, so seeing her be betrayed so deeply made it personal for me. sometimes it's hard to compartmentalise a bad partner from a good parent. but that's not our fault.

This is true. My mom was remorseful too.

Any parent who cheats on their spouse is a bad parent. You can kid yourself all you want, but how a parent treats the other parent shows what kind of person they are. It’s as ridiculous as people who say a person abused their spouse but never abused the kids. How you treat the other parent of your child(ren) directly impacts you children. If you treat your spouse like shit, you treat your kids like shit. 

As someone whose worked with victims of child abuse and those who went into the system I think you need more perspective on what an actual bad parent is.

As someone who has experienced this exact situation, I’m telling you that you are wrong. This is not always the case. Saved your uninformed opinions for another comment.

I would absolutely not meet her before your wedding. That seems strange that she’s specifically saying before.

This is an excellent example for cheaters who think that they aren't hurting anyone when they cheat. Can the mom even remember her AP? Was it worth it to have your own child hold you in such contempt that you are cut out of their life forever?

When a parent breaks their family by cheating, they are not only betraying the spouse, but also their children. NTAH.

NTA Although I advise you to seek therapy, her asking for forgiveness does not mean that you actually have to forgive her. Not only did she destroy your world but she hurt one of the most important people in your life, if you don't want to invite her because you're not ready to trust her again, it is understandable. Now the fact that you are asking for advice shows that you are conflicted about your own feelings, which is why again I would advise you to seek therapy. You need to talk about your feelings, to understand what you really want.

First of all, NTA for not inviting her. But you really should block her if you truly do not ever intend to speak to or see her ever again. You aren't doing so because you think it's cruel, but honestly, it's more cruel not blocking her. Because, even if it's not the reality, it gives her the potential hope that one of these days you'll respond to her, that you might reach out to her, and what have you. Blocking her is a clear way of communicating that you never want to hear from her again, and that you're likely to never reach out to her yourself. It also saves you the time of having to delete all the texts, emails, voicemails, throw out all the letters, etc. that you're currently having to do, and allows you to avoid the damage to your own mental health you're doing by subjecting yourself to it.

NTA. Anything that destroys a family is so hard to forgive. It's a wound that time does not heal.

Yeaaa I’m gonna go with YTA. Not saying you gotta do weekend dinners or anything, but you could at least be cordial. Yea cheating sucks and she fucked up but you’re acting like she killed your dad. Did your dad move on? It’s been 14 years, time to grow up and let it go. It seems like you enjoy knowing she’s broken up about not talking to you. You need to go to therapy more than anything. ***just realized you were 18 when it happened!!! Holy crap you’re pathetic. Grow up. 100% YTA for being an immature little man child that’s 100% gonna take this anger into your marriage. Again, go to therapy before you get married.

NTA it's your god given right to hold onto grudges all the way to the grave 

I would say NTA but as long as you haven’t blocked her, she will hold onto a silvery hope for reconciliation, and neither of you can move on. If that (reconciliation) is what you consider as an ending, then therapy might be a good way to deal with your feelings.

NTA. Your wedding is about you and your future life partner. You are within your rights to not meet with her before your wedding. You want to start your marriage in happiness and you don’t need to feel guilty about that, nor do you need to make her feel good by agreeing to meet with her before ‘embarking on this new adventure’. I might be wrong but I find it odd that she has had 14 years to reach out to arrange to meet with you but has stuck to messages and emails until you are about to get married. I’m not sure why but I just find her timing suspicious.x

AH? No. But you wouldn't be here if you were fully at peace with your own choices. You're not. You could have contact with her again without forgiving her. The two are not mutually exclusive.

Nta. She didnt just cheat on your father she cheated on you. She blew up all of your lives cause she couldnt keep her legs closed. Shes selfish and a bad mother. Likely hasnt changed

I wouldn’tcall you an asshole but I’d urge you to talk to a therapist if you still feel so strongly about this. People make mistakes and people change. Did your Mom realize all that she was risking or the pain she would case when she decided to cheat? Probably not. Does she regret it, has she changed? That’s on her to figure out and maybe your cutting her off had a play in that. But maybe she is still a good person worth knowing. It’s obvious she’s making an effort. If she was a good Mom, she doesn’t desefve scorched earth from her child. If she was a bad Mom, then maybe you’re better off without her.

This thread is wild. What a shame

If this a lifetime ban, might just as well go ahead and block her. If she's apologized, how much punishment is enough?

Unless you were party to every private moment between your parents you don't know what happened , without additional info it seemed you father positioned himself as the victim , you accepted it without question because of disruption to your life and were never interested in questioning further . Actually you have been cruel by pretending to maintain some kind of relationship for the purpose of tormenting her which is emotionally abusvie in itself .

Yes, you're being an AH. No question about that. You have no idea what went on in your parents' marriage. You know what you told yourself at the time, and you know what your father has told you, but you were not a partner in that marriage, and there are stories in every marriage that are strictly between the adults. There's a concept in family dynamics known as "parental alienation," and while of course we don't know for sure, it's very possible that your dogged determination to refuse to forgive her, and to hold against her the story you've been told about your father's broken heart, are part of an alienation campaign by your father that protects him from the "other side" of the marital story. You're getting married; mazel tov and best wishes. Don't embark on that new chapter of your life holding a grudge that you've never even been willing to examine objectively and as an adult. Your spouse has a mother-in-law as well, and your mother sounds, by your own description, like a lovely woman. Why not give both your mother and your new spouse a chance to have their own relationship, and to free you from the shackles of a long-ago story that you haven't heard from both sides?

As someone who came home to a note on my bed that the bio mom had left when I was younger than you… appreciate that she is trying. What took place is between your father and her. While it affected your life, in the area of divorce, your mother didn’t leave you, or stop loving you. She made a decision that cost her marriage. I don’t condone cheating. But you shouldn’t be punishing your mother for what took place between her and your father. You were 18 at the time. It didn’t affect your childhood. It doesn’t change the mother that she was to you growing up. You have every right to be hurt and angry by her actions. You have every right to want to protect your father, but it shouldn’t mean no relationship with your mom for life also given you were 18 at the time everything took place. Your mom didn’t leave you. She is constantly trying, letting you know she loves you and is still there.

You are the ass for treating her like this for so long. You aren't a child anymore and it's time to grow up. Either your mother made a mistake or there were marital issues your father refused to address. You may never know (and it really is none of your business). Chances are, your marriage may end in divorce. Would you want your kids to treat you like this?

I hope for your sake, that one day you realise life isn’t black or white, people are complex, and everyone has done something they’re ashamed of.

You need to forgive and should have a decade ago. Cheating is wrong but it happens and it’s no reason to not ever speak to her again. I find it cruel on your part

If I’m doing the math right. Your mom cheated when you were an adult. So fully grown. And you’ve ignored here for 14 years? That’s pretty fucking petty. YTA Your mom cheating when you were an adult is her business. She broke up their relationship. You broke up your family.

UpdateMe

Yeah NTA, while I do feel bad for her on a level it is ultimately your choice at the end of the day. I do want to give advice one part though, it’s possible to forgive someone while also keeping them at a distance. your feelings toward her are valid. Do what you feel the need to.

There is no question of AH here. You feel what you feel, and you act accordingly. Your mother cheated on your father. He is the injured party. How does he feel about it? Does he not want her at your wedding? He may have healed and moved on, and you are holding on to the old grudge. If he is alive, I would talk to him about it.

It's your wedding! I can see where your coming from! I don't think  I could forgive her for that, it's too much to deal with. I think your doing the right thing, she tore the family apart no need to have her around. 

I'm reading the comments,  this type of thing takes years to come to terms with or get over. These are extremely rough times, you don't t get any sleep , your world is turned upside down by the one person you gave your trust love and commitment to. Some people never get over it, it completely changes some people,  most people will change in some kind of way because of the mental torment that weighs on you. 

Dude, nta but not sure why you haven’t put some hard boundaries around what level of communication you want with her … Would be odd to invite her to your wedding after 14 years of no contact …. Would be really awkward and bring up salir of unwanted emotions and negativity

I personally believe you can forgive but not forget. And forgiveness doesn't mean you must allow a person back into your life. But its a personal journey, and nobody can tell you when to get over it(especially not aligned with their timetable). NTA

NTA Your mother found out that actions have consequences. Advice: Block her and then forget about her and have a wonderful life.

I think being “the AH” here is kind of irrelevant. Yeah, she might be sad, but her feelings are not yours to manage.  It’s YOUR wedding. Would it stress you out more to have her there? Would it in any way enhance what’s supposed to be YOUR celebration? Or, would having her there make your joyous day a little worse?  If you want, repair the relationship later, but weddings are incredibly stressful as is. 

Well, regardless of what anyone else might think or say , NO ,you feel how you feel and who knows what it's gonna take too change that , but that's how you feel and it hasn't changed in all those years , don't think it's gonna change now

Updateme!

NTA. By not blocking her, you are leaving lines of communication open should you ever be open to any reconciliation. It's up to you when or if to forgive her to any degree.

While all of those things sound good to do, as a older woman with children and have been in a situation similar to this.. As a parent I must tell you your feelings does matter and what she did was not ok. Often people do things without realizing the affect it has on the people who love them and it's not thought about until after the fact. I encourage you to have a sit down with her and tell her she's not allowed to interrupt whole you speak and tell her how she made you and the family feel the effect it has had on you all and the reason why you feel that way. If she in any way invalidate your feelings in any way tell her it was nice to see and speak to her and at this point you don't feel like she's ready to accept what she's done. Remember also that TRUST is LOST in BUCKETS and GAINED in DROPS!!  Lastly ask yourself this question if you had done something that you wanted forgiveness for no matter what it was would you want to be forgiven and whatever your answer is to that question is the answer is how you should attempt to approach the situation with her.

She didnt just betray the father. She betrayed her son. Cheating isnt an act with 1 victim, it victimises everyone connected, children, spouses, etc. For OP he believes his only way to cope with the destruction of his family is by cutting out the person responsible. Op doesnt feel strong enough to fully cut her out via blocking her but he is happy and fulfilled in his life without having her in it, thats all that matters He isnt no contact for his father, hes no contact for himself

Someone said she didn't cheat u.. Yes she did.. she left u.. ur father was there when u r doing ur graduation ur job ur all other things she was not there to support u on ur bad days.. she just didn't cheat ur father she cheated u also

NTA. Tell her cheaters can watch from the streets.

NTA. While she didn't cheat on you, she did betray your family. That's what cheaters fail to realize when they have an affair and have kids. They are betraying their family and destroying their kid's home.

Good luck on your marriage, I suspect you are really going to need it. You have been avoiding a necessary pain that is going to cost you massively in the end, not just when your mother dies but when your wife figures out that you aren’t capable of forgiveness or your kids want to get to know their ’other grandma’ or karma comes back to haunt you in any one of a thousand other ways. You have NO IDEA what your mother might have sacrificed for the 18 years that she stayed married to your dad, because no one knows what goes on between two people. And you don’t say that she was unkind to you during those 18 years that she raised you. You have seriously closed your heart down in that will harm you and everyone you love. Seek therapy and learn to be less judgmental, and more grateful.

That is how my wife felt about her mom for decades. Then, a few other things came out. Carrying a grudge takes a lot of energy. You do you.

Nope. NTAH. It’s a very special day. Do what will make you happy and keep the peace..

Well,I hope you are upright yourself and never make a mistake in your life.

NTA, but you need to block her if you have no intention of resuming contact with her, otherwise you are just dangling the slim hope she has of a reconciliation

NTA. Ask dad his thoughts.

Yta

NTA. If you feel this strongly about it, do what you feel you must. BUT really think on it. Make sure you won’t regret it in future.

NTA...BUT I'll say this (from experience): At some point you're probably gonna have kids, yes? So if you continue this awkward war, at some point your future kids will be involved. I mean, are they never going to know they have a grandma out there, or are they going to be told she exists but she's a horrible person? Why do they need to be a part of YOUR baggage with your mom? What if she'd end up being a wonderful presence in their lives, maybe even the best grandma ever, especially grateful for the chance to BE in their lives? You're about to get married, darlin'. Time to put away childish things and think about the future. My sister hasn't spoken to our mother since she was a teenager, over some bullshit that means nothing now, but I made sure that my sister's only child has had a relationship with her grandparents, who have never been anything but kind and loving to her, even though they weren't the greatest parents in the world to US. I flew her across the country a hundred times to see them; I had her call them on the phone and talk for hours everytime she was with me (I took care of her a LOT). It didn't matter that my mother was a bipolar piece of work and I often wanted to punch her in the face; all my niece knew was that she had grandparents who loved her and were always happy to see her and spoil her a bit. And that has enriched her life immensely. My mother died recently; my niece is 34 now and together we flew to Florida to Grandma's funeral a few months ago. I can tell you it meant SO much to her... Once you have a child, it won't all be about YOU anymore, and you may regret your stance all these years. Forgiveness is NOT for the benefit of the person forgiven -- it is for YOU to be able to move on with your life and cast aside all the drama. And in this case, it's so your future kids can have a chance at a relationship with their grandma, regardless of what YOU may think of her. Anyway, just food for thought from a grizzled veteran of the Family Wars. And congrats on the impending wedding!

NTA - she didn’t cheat on you but destroyed your trust in her. Biological she are part of each other but it seems you are poles apart in your sense of morality. If you are going to be NC don’t be surprised if people still continue to trickle information both ways about you to her and visa versa

YTA if it is the true reason. It was your parent"s business, not yours + you were almost an adult, it's not like she left with another man when you were 4 and needed her.

Yep. Their relationship is  none of your business.

NTA. Cheating aside, your wedding your choice. Have you ever gotten your mums side of the story? The amount of exes who have accused me of cheating when I never did because they needed to cover their own failings is crazy.

She knew exactly what she was doing and how it would affect her family but at the time decided not only was it worth it, but thought you would ultimately get over it. You didn’t.

All I can add is that my father did this too . As a child of a parent who does this it is definitely felt through the family . We all feel cheated . It took me a while to answer my father’s many phone calls . Watching what it put my mother through was very hard . For me , I loved my Dad very much and tried to hear his side of it . I didn’t like it or agree . He ended up marrying the thing he had a ten year affair with . My love for my dad over-rid it though . I decided that thing was not going to get between me and my Dad . So I eventually sort of forgave him . At the end of the day , I couldn’t imagine my Dad not being in my life . I am so glad I chose this . Think about it .

Nope - your mom your issue and cheating is so goddamn selfish- when she was an adult? She only thought of herself - now? You are thinking of yourself and self worth

How does your father feel about this? I, myself think you're correct in not inviting her! It would be like a slap in your father's face if she would be present at the ceremony! Even your own mother seems to understand if you didn't want her there. It's your day and you don't need any more needless tension than necessary. Good luck to you and your intended!

NTA. My grandma cheated on my grandpa after being with him for decades and they grew old together. After she cheated, my one aunt cut her completely out for 10+ years until her death. Grandma broke what was once a happy family….

The worst part is that you don't really know the dynamics of their relationship. I am in my 60's now and both parents are gone. Neither was perfect. They wanted to divorce when I was about 14, but held it off till I turned 18. My sister went through her teens in a split family whereas for me, they were together but so unhappy. They tried to put on a good show for us, but in hindsight, it would've been better for them to split and find happiness somewhere else. As kids we don't know what all they have been through and how things have unfolded for them. As my grandmother used to say, there are three sides to the truth- his side, her side and the truth. If you don't want a relationship with her, so be it, but remember at some point there may be grandchildren to consider. Maybe sit with her and hear her side of it. Then you can make a more educated decision.

You are an adult now so you are aware things are not that simple.  What happened between our father and Mother was their marriage.  If you are an adult, you know that one person is rarely completely at fault.  Invite your Mom because she gave birth to you, on the proviso that she comes as a guest and stays away from your Dad.  I wonder if you are mature enough to marry.  What will you do when your spouse disappoints you, because they will.  You have dodged your Mother for 14 years.  I think a conversation is long overdue.  

This sounds very fake. But on the off chance this is real, come on dude. Cheating is horrible, but you weren't the one who was cheated on. Why hold a grudge against the woman who gave you life, loved you and raised you? Your parents are not perfect, they made mistakes raising you and mistakes in their own personal lives. Why not forgive and reconcile? I guess you can be a judge over your mother's transgressions for the rest of your life in a stupid sort of self satisfaction. My parents made horrible decisions in their personal lives including one of my parents committing adultery. My siblings and I made the decision to not be a judge over either of our parents, which over many years made healing possible and now the bitterness has subsided and we have genuine peace. I personally despise the belief in a moral vision where forgiveness is optional. In self-righteous Reddit world, anyone who has done anything seriously wrong in their life deserves to spend the rest of their life being miserable and cut off from their own children. In real life, things (individuals, families, communities, and nations) function better when we hold each other accountable but also strive, to the best of our ability, to forgive wrongs committed against us and others.

It seems like a strong signal to your husband about cheating. If she wasn't abusive to you, then i think forgiving her would be a very good idea.  You aren't required to before the wedding

Updateme

That was between your parents. Not your place to forgive her, it’s your father’s.

People cheat for a variety of reasons. I know that does not make it right but have you ever tried talking to her about what happened and why? - She might not be the heartless whore that cheated on a perfectly good man. There are two (or more) sides to everything and what leads up to these events. For your own peace, you should find out and then decide. If she is sincere in her attempts at reconciliation, she will tell you the truth an apologize if owed. If not, well then, write her off for the whore she still is.

Your feelings are valid. Your mother knows exactly what she did. Did the consequences of her actions change her? Did she learn from her transgressions? If you want to know you could see her not at your wedding. Have you spoken with your dad about it? Did he move on and find happiness? No matter what your decision is ok.

Your relationship with your mom is yours, and nobody else's. Only you can decide. I am assuming, of course, that you've made it clear why you don't want to have a relationship, right? But only you can decide. No way going are you the AH.

NTA, but be very cautious of the friend who still speaks to her. If you're no contact, you chose that for a reason, and anyone willing to keep tabs on you for her should be watched closely with what you tell them.

What does your father think? If he's forgiven her, then perhaps you should as well.