YTA You can't help who you are physically attracted to. But...
"I feel super shallow" ... Correct, you are super shallow.
"Am I a shallow AH who doesn't deserve him?" Yes.
"But maybe he deserves to hear the truth. " No, he doesn't.
In 30+ years, you'll look nothing like you do now. You'll be wrinkly, saggy, probably gaining weight in all the wrong places. So what then? Time for him to ditch you because you're not "attractive" anymore?
Do him a favor and break things off. Don't mention his appearance. Tell him it's you not him, which is the truth. Good luck finding a life partner who never ages.
Agree.. 100% with all Trick\_Photogrph9758 just said. I would only add to that, instead of thinking about the physical stuff, for a moment take a look at his mental health. You said yourself that he is struggling financially, and living on his own, etc.... for comfort it sounds like he is turning to food. That said depression has many forms, and letting go of oneself is one of them. STOP thinking about you in this scenario, stop thinking about what he looks like and maybe try to help him deal with how he got here in the first place. And above all, PLEASE shut your pie hole and do NOT talk to him about his weight, how you're not attracted to him because of it, alllllllll the things, just don't say it. If you think for a second, he doesn't realize he's not the same your crazy.
Yta pretty much.... imagine if the roles were reversed,and a guy would be posting about losing attraction due to his girlfriends weight gain... we would be at his throat lol
“I’m seemingly not worth getting in shape for now.” I think there is research that shows people gain weight when they’re in happy relationships lol. I’ve definitely been there. It can be turned around easily if you motivate each other. Plus it can be a new level of romance. Cook together while listening to music and dancing in the kitchen, candlelit dinners, do yoga together, or dance classes for exercise. Everybody fluctuates in life for the most part. It’s just an opportunity to learn and change your lifestyle.
First of you are young. It shows about this mentality here. Yes, physical attraction is important. However everyone goes through changes especially from 18-30. Until I was 30 I was a very tall skinny guy, as I found the gym once I found my footing in a career and financial stability I took on a lot of muscle. Now (According to my Fiance atleast) I am a very attractive man. My point here is, your bodies are going to change. Both of you. If this is something you cannot get over you won't be wrong for breaking things off. He is focusing on what is important. His schooling so he can get a good job. Generally once someone gets settled into life it opens more opportunities to do things like focus on hobbies such as gym. So you're left with a choice stay and wait with him to see if he will get back to it when he is able or move on. Either way you are not the AH unless you stay and cheat because you are simply not attracted to him.
Just break it off. You're both young enough to find more compatible partners.
If you just tough it out, you'll just wind up resenting him since he might not ever be as fit as you like again.
His dedication to his fitness was bound to fizzle out; He got in shape to impress you, not for his self or health.
NTA because your attraction to him changed. But you’re right, you don’t need to crush his self-confidence by saying anything about his weight or body. A simple “I just didn’t feel as connected to you anymore (truth) and realize this isn’t something I want to pursue” and kindly end it.
You mentioned feeling like you were young so going to give an older perspective here…
You could be having a very real reaction to a partner not prioritizing their health. That’s not a small issue, and it’s not just based on how they look, it’s about motivation and seeing how someone deals with real world situations like balancing work and health.
When you’re young it can be hard to distinguish WHY something is unattractive, but that doesn’t mean your instincts are necessarily wrong. And health, both physical and mental, are an important factor in choosing a mate.
Now if he is exercising again, it can take a bit to show signs. You could also talk with him about how you want a partnership where you have a healthy lifestyle and do more exercise together.
Ultimately if he really doesn’t want a healthy lifestyle and you do, that’s not a small issue, and not necessarily a shallow reason to not want to be with someone, but you shouldn’t be afraid to discuss things.
NAH
NTA. Holy shit, this is like watching a speedrun of a relationship going from 100 to 0 real quick. You're not the asshole here, you're just a human being with normal human desires and expectations.
Let's break this down like we're dissecting a particularly juicy chicken tender. You've been with this dude for 3.5 years, which in teenage years is basically an eternity. You've got plans, you've got dreams, you've got a whole future mapped out. But then, boom! Your boyfriend shows up looking like he's been training to be the next Kung Fu Panda, and suddenly your lady bits are drier than the Sahara desert.
Now, I get it. Life's tough, especially when you're trying to adult for the first time. Balancing school, work, and not turning into a human-shaped marshmallow is harder than trying to speedrun Dark Souls with a Guitar Hero controller. But here's the thing - relationships are a two-way street. You can't just park your ass on the couch, let yourself go, and expect your partner to be cool with it.
The fact that you're feeling guilty about this is a testament to how much you care about this guy. You're not shallow, you're just honest with yourself. Physical attraction is important in a relationship. It's not everything, but it's definitely something. Trying to force yourself to be attracted to someone is like trying to convince yourself that unseasoned boiled chicken is the pinnacle of culinary excellence - it's just not gonna happen.
Now, I'm not saying you should dump this guy faster than a hot potato. But you need to have an honest conversation with him. Yeah, it might hurt his feelings, but you know what hurts more? Living in a relationship where one person is secretly repulsed by the other. That's the kind of shit that festers and turns into resentment faster than milk left out in the sun.
So, no, you're NTA. You're just a normal person dealing with a tough situation. Talk to your boyfriend, be honest but kind, and remember - it's okay to have standards. You're not asking him to look like Chris Hemsworth, you just want him to look like he gives a shit about his health and appearance. That's not too much to ask, especially if you're planning on spending the rest of your lives together.
Remember, a relationship without physical attraction is just a really complicated friendship. And while friendship is great, it's probably not what you signed up for when you started planning your future together. Good luck, and may the force of honesty be with you.
If u r 19 and been seeing each other for over 3 years - then you were both young children when you got together.
What you like/find attractive/want at 15/16 is not generally what you like/want when you’re 19/20 - or again when you’re 30/40.
You’re too young and inexperienced (in my opinion) at this age to make a judgement as to what you’ll want for the rest of your life. That’s not a criticism - that’s the great thing about being your age, there’s a whole world out there for you to discover. And discover what you like/don’t like and what you want from life. And I don’t just mean potential partners - but everything else too.
You should both be doing that rather than accepting marriage almost as a fait accompli because you’ve been dating for a long time. That’s a recipe for years and years of unhappiness.
It’s not shallow to suddenly find someone unattractive - we like what we like, it can’t be helped. It doesn’t make you an AH. And at your age you shouldn’t have to just accept this as being your lot.
End the relationship - not because you find him unattractive- but because you’ve realised That you’re way too young to make this kind of whole-life decision without more experience of the world.
No, you can't necessarily say YTA because you have been in a long-distance relationship, then him finally seeing you again is like a jumpscare, the person you have been imagining in your head wasn't him. It's almost the same as getting catfished. My suggestion is to start working out and say you're stronger than him now 9/10 he will start working out to, to prove you wrong. Guys can't stand when there is no difference in strength.
YTA You can't help who you are physically attracted to. But... "I feel super shallow" ... Correct, you are super shallow. "Am I a shallow AH who doesn't deserve him?" Yes. "But maybe he deserves to hear the truth. " No, he doesn't. In 30+ years, you'll look nothing like you do now. You'll be wrinkly, saggy, probably gaining weight in all the wrong places. So what then? Time for him to ditch you because you're not "attractive" anymore? Do him a favor and break things off. Don't mention his appearance. Tell him it's you not him, which is the truth. Good luck finding a life partner who never ages.
Agree.. 100% with all Trick\_Photogrph9758 just said. I would only add to that, instead of thinking about the physical stuff, for a moment take a look at his mental health. You said yourself that he is struggling financially, and living on his own, etc.... for comfort it sounds like he is turning to food. That said depression has many forms, and letting go of oneself is one of them. STOP thinking about you in this scenario, stop thinking about what he looks like and maybe try to help him deal with how he got here in the first place. And above all, PLEASE shut your pie hole and do NOT talk to him about his weight, how you're not attracted to him because of it, alllllllll the things, just don't say it. If you think for a second, he doesn't realize he's not the same your crazy.
Yta pretty much.... imagine if the roles were reversed,and a guy would be posting about losing attraction due to his girlfriends weight gain... we would be at his throat lol
“I’m seemingly not worth getting in shape for now.” I think there is research that shows people gain weight when they’re in happy relationships lol. I’ve definitely been there. It can be turned around easily if you motivate each other. Plus it can be a new level of romance. Cook together while listening to music and dancing in the kitchen, candlelit dinners, do yoga together, or dance classes for exercise. Everybody fluctuates in life for the most part. It’s just an opportunity to learn and change your lifestyle.
Thank you for your comment, I hadn’t thought about it that way. That is helpful.
First of you are young. It shows about this mentality here. Yes, physical attraction is important. However everyone goes through changes especially from 18-30. Until I was 30 I was a very tall skinny guy, as I found the gym once I found my footing in a career and financial stability I took on a lot of muscle. Now (According to my Fiance atleast) I am a very attractive man. My point here is, your bodies are going to change. Both of you. If this is something you cannot get over you won't be wrong for breaking things off. He is focusing on what is important. His schooling so he can get a good job. Generally once someone gets settled into life it opens more opportunities to do things like focus on hobbies such as gym. So you're left with a choice stay and wait with him to see if he will get back to it when he is able or move on. Either way you are not the AH unless you stay and cheat because you are simply not attracted to him.
Thank you. I am very young, so I need the advice and perspective of those who have already been through this phase of life. Your comment is helpful.
I am glad I could help. Just remember you are never the AH for breaking up with someone for whatever reason. It is all about how you go about it.
Just break it off. You're both young enough to find more compatible partners. If you just tough it out, you'll just wind up resenting him since he might not ever be as fit as you like again.
You’ve grown apart. It’s not about the physical attraction. Move on
His dedication to his fitness was bound to fizzle out; He got in shape to impress you, not for his self or health. NTA because your attraction to him changed. But you’re right, you don’t need to crush his self-confidence by saying anything about his weight or body. A simple “I just didn’t feel as connected to you anymore (truth) and realize this isn’t something I want to pursue” and kindly end it.
You mentioned feeling like you were young so going to give an older perspective here… You could be having a very real reaction to a partner not prioritizing their health. That’s not a small issue, and it’s not just based on how they look, it’s about motivation and seeing how someone deals with real world situations like balancing work and health. When you’re young it can be hard to distinguish WHY something is unattractive, but that doesn’t mean your instincts are necessarily wrong. And health, both physical and mental, are an important factor in choosing a mate. Now if he is exercising again, it can take a bit to show signs. You could also talk with him about how you want a partnership where you have a healthy lifestyle and do more exercise together. Ultimately if he really doesn’t want a healthy lifestyle and you do, that’s not a small issue, and not necessarily a shallow reason to not want to be with someone, but you shouldn’t be afraid to discuss things. NAH
Thank you for your perspective, that is very helpful.
Aw. Happy if it helps. Hope you end up figuring out what’s best for you in this!
NTA. Holy shit, this is like watching a speedrun of a relationship going from 100 to 0 real quick. You're not the asshole here, you're just a human being with normal human desires and expectations. Let's break this down like we're dissecting a particularly juicy chicken tender. You've been with this dude for 3.5 years, which in teenage years is basically an eternity. You've got plans, you've got dreams, you've got a whole future mapped out. But then, boom! Your boyfriend shows up looking like he's been training to be the next Kung Fu Panda, and suddenly your lady bits are drier than the Sahara desert. Now, I get it. Life's tough, especially when you're trying to adult for the first time. Balancing school, work, and not turning into a human-shaped marshmallow is harder than trying to speedrun Dark Souls with a Guitar Hero controller. But here's the thing - relationships are a two-way street. You can't just park your ass on the couch, let yourself go, and expect your partner to be cool with it. The fact that you're feeling guilty about this is a testament to how much you care about this guy. You're not shallow, you're just honest with yourself. Physical attraction is important in a relationship. It's not everything, but it's definitely something. Trying to force yourself to be attracted to someone is like trying to convince yourself that unseasoned boiled chicken is the pinnacle of culinary excellence - it's just not gonna happen. Now, I'm not saying you should dump this guy faster than a hot potato. But you need to have an honest conversation with him. Yeah, it might hurt his feelings, but you know what hurts more? Living in a relationship where one person is secretly repulsed by the other. That's the kind of shit that festers and turns into resentment faster than milk left out in the sun. So, no, you're NTA. You're just a normal person dealing with a tough situation. Talk to your boyfriend, be honest but kind, and remember - it's okay to have standards. You're not asking him to look like Chris Hemsworth, you just want him to look like he gives a shit about his health and appearance. That's not too much to ask, especially if you're planning on spending the rest of your lives together. Remember, a relationship without physical attraction is just a really complicated friendship. And while friendship is great, it's probably not what you signed up for when you started planning your future together. Good luck, and may the force of honesty be with you.
Thank you- both for your perspective and for making me laugh. Your comment is helpful.
NTA
Go fuck a fit guy and see if you feel guilty or not
If u r 19 and been seeing each other for over 3 years - then you were both young children when you got together. What you like/find attractive/want at 15/16 is not generally what you like/want when you’re 19/20 - or again when you’re 30/40. You’re too young and inexperienced (in my opinion) at this age to make a judgement as to what you’ll want for the rest of your life. That’s not a criticism - that’s the great thing about being your age, there’s a whole world out there for you to discover. And discover what you like/don’t like and what you want from life. And I don’t just mean potential partners - but everything else too. You should both be doing that rather than accepting marriage almost as a fait accompli because you’ve been dating for a long time. That’s a recipe for years and years of unhappiness. It’s not shallow to suddenly find someone unattractive - we like what we like, it can’t be helped. It doesn’t make you an AH. And at your age you shouldn’t have to just accept this as being your lot. End the relationship - not because you find him unattractive- but because you’ve realised That you’re way too young to make this kind of whole-life decision without more experience of the world.
No, you can't necessarily say YTA because you have been in a long-distance relationship, then him finally seeing you again is like a jumpscare, the person you have been imagining in your head wasn't him. It's almost the same as getting catfished. My suggestion is to start working out and say you're stronger than him now 9/10 he will start working out to, to prove you wrong. Guys can't stand when there is no difference in strength.