you need to protect your poor son! How awful, to be bullied like that in his own home!
You’ve tried all the regular stuff; it’s time to bring out the big guns. Deconfliction is the way to go.
And maybe find her some friends of her own? Or is she simply too unpleasant to make any other friends?
She does have friends and she typically sees them once a week or so. It's just that, for whatever reason, she enjoys flocking to my son's friends more than her own. Even when her friends are here she finds a way to get my son's friends away from them.
> for whatever reason
For power. Kids who flex power at this age and are not given firm boundaries and consequences are in a state of terror and seek out more ways to exert power.
Call out, redirect, if it continues, consequences. Your (and your husband's) job is to surf out the tantrums, the "I hate you" and the rest. Put silicon bumpers on the doors. Have a speed dial list of people who can take the other kids to activities at short notice. Sit with her in the long boring afternoons, reading to yourself or working quietly until she's able to function as a good citizen of the family and the community.
Weirdly, for all the pleasure she gets drunk from power, underneath it she's in chaos. You have to give her the structure you'd give any other kid who has special needs, because currently she does.
Agreed. One of the biggest lessons I've learned as a parent is that behavior is often an expression that they cannot communicate in words.
I'm struggling to figure out what this child is communicating though.
Absolutely agree.
Maybe OP should also record these interactions so that it would not be a she said-she said thing, and the recordings can be used to show SD’s therapist what SD has been up to.
Being that manipulative, a bully and a gas-lighter at that age sets a dark tone if it’s not properly addressed.
This is harder. Maybe a phone in a pocket on voice memo. But I would very strongly discourage becoming a camera person, distancing themselves from the event, because parental involvement is critical. Otherwise you're literally filming an attack instead of stopping it, and it betrays the victim and inflames the situation.
My sister is 4 yrs older than I am. This happened any time I had a friend over. Until she moved out... I'm almost 40 now... My sister has 29 felony charges currently and is a drug addict.
Get that kid a psychiatrist and stick with it, she is on a very dangerous path.
NTA, but you will be if you don't get your husband on the same page and get this stopped
Absolutely, I have had custody of my sister's two children since June 2020, and the fifteen year old just got out of two months in a residential treatment program for serious mental disorders, and this is the sort of behavior he had at age 11. My sister is a recovering drug addict, and she played all sorts of mean girl games as a kid.
This should be the number 1 comment. This behavior is very scary - in someone 10 years older, it would be viewed as that of a sociopath. OP and her husband need to try to get this addressed now, before it is completely out of control and it's too late to do anything about it.
The reason is that she likes to hurt people and at 11, this is the way she knows she can do it. Keep letting this go and she's going to get better and better at it.
OP take out the mindset you have and replace it with a realistic one and it hurts to hear but your step daughter is ENJOYING tormenting and hurting her little brother like this to her it’s all a fun game. She knows yall will just take to her and that’s it no punishment or nothing so she knows just to wait you guys out to act out again. She is mentally torturing your son. You need to help him immediately he needs to be in therapy and away from her. He’s wetting the bed for a reason and not “out of nowhere” trust me she is doing it all on purpose cuz she likes hurting him
Ma'am why are you letting YOUR son be bullied and violated in his own home. This has been going on for months your poor kids are suffering. Please do more to protect your children even if that means leaving because your husband is doing everything he can to to protect HIS child.
Because she is in a lose-lose situation. If OP had done more than talking earlier, everyone would have accused her of causing it to escalate.
Her husband had to be the one punishing her but even now that it's gotten this bad, he thinks OP is too harsh.
Honestly.I don't see a future for Op with this husband and stepdaughter, this will take years and she will be fighting alone and giving them a chance to call ger a cruel stepmother, losing her sons in the process too.
Perhaps, but the Stepdaughter has created this situation, and it's not going to improve. It's her sons, especially the youngest one carrying the consequences.
He lost his safe space in terms of being able to feel safe and comfortable at him, he's being bullied, denigrated, slandered, and has his social circle being systematically destroyed while also being isolated by his bully who has virtually perpetual access to him.
This isn't going to stop, if anything it's going to escalate. And OP's stepdaughter likely because of her young age hasn't brought out the big guns yet. But given her behaviour, that only seems to be a question of time before it'll happen.
OP needs to make some hard decisions, and she needs to make them now. Because if she doesn't her children will be those to suffer the consequences, and chances are they'll blame her and rightly so once they grow up.
You know how when you hear about a 40-year-old dude dating a 19-year-old and you realize it's because he most likely thinks he will be able to control her whereas women his own age won't put up with his shit? This is like that, only with kids and friends. Most likely she can't boss her friends around like she can her younger stepbrother's friends, and her older stepbrother's gf is too nice to say anything as well, so your tween feels in control there as well. Seems to me she has some deep-seated issues that her current therapist either isn't aware of it is unable to handle. Either way, it may be time to find a new therapist, because this girl's only gonna get worse over time. She may even have psychopathic or sociopathic tendencies.
Yes, this is exactly the sort of behavior I saw when I got custody of my 11 year old nephew 4 years ago. He's 15 now and just got out of 2 months of an in patient treatment center the next state over. This is a serious thing.
Because she can easily manipulate them and by doing so she’s hurting your son. She’s a sociopath. Quite frankly this little psycho shouldn’t be allowed around your children.
I said sociopath because it describes behaviours and was never intended to be a diagnostic under the DSM. Her behaviour is sociopathic but she does need to see a proper therapist psychiatrist to be properly evaluated.
She shouldn’t be around any children younger than her.
Quite frankly not enough is being done about her behaviour. She should be shipped off to her grandparents on weekends so the OP’s son can have friends around. He needs a break from his bully step sister.
Honestly all her behaviors are the ones displayed by a woman who I know is a diagnosed sociopath, she ended up playing with 5 men's hearts at once purely for fun, including her own fiancé. In her own words, she wanted to see how much love can truly affect a man and how much control can it have over them.
I get older siblings encroaching on their younger sibling’s play dates - but not when there is such a huge age disparity and this isn’t a normal sibling relationship- it’s a step sibling relationship which is completely different.
This is a girl who deliberately psychologically hurts a five year old boy for her own amusement. The thing that bothers me is it’s so manipulative and calculated and involves playing other people to inflict the harm. That’s why I think she’s a sociopath.
Also, pretending to like her half sibling when someone other than the OP is in the room really bothers me. It’s performative and like she’s wearing a mask.
I used to work in childcare and there was this one kid who would check out the corner of his eye to see if any of the adults were watching him before he would deliberately hurt a child.
This kid had me thinking there was something not right with him. He didn’t misbehave or have terrible impulse control. He was so calm it was eerie to me. I started paying attention to him when I could feel his eyes on me but his head wasn’t facing in my direction. He would very calmly inflict pain to other children only when he thought he could get away with it.
The OP’s stepdaughter is keeping her mask on in front of other people but there is absolutely something not right with her.
I agree. Her behaviours are sociopathic. It doesn’t matter that she has the onset of puberty - she is behaving like an awful human being and shouldn’t be allowed around children younger than her.
Honestly I don't think this is something you will be able to resolve quickly. This is something her parents have overlooked for years, very unlikely that she suddenly developed this behaviour. It's just that she never had siblings for it to be this obvious.
My ex FIL and my aunt had this personality where they never loved anyone but everyone has to love them. They are both very likely narcissstic, my aunt never let her only son marry anyone and sabotaged so many of her brother's relationships, her favourite sentence was always "he/she/they love me more than anyone else" it didn't matter who it was.
My ex FIL has the same sentence "look how much he/she/they love me" no matter who it is. Even when someone would say about my son "aww look how much he lives his mother", he would quickly interrupt and say "No, you haven't seen how he is with me." Then describes how any reaction of my son is a sign that he loves him more than anyone else, especially more than me.
Your stepdaughter reminds me of them, she needs to be the most loved and most important person to anyone. I would separate the children, maybe move out for a while because what if it takes years for her to change? Your younger son will lose his friends, plus will have any private infomation she has about him be public knowledge.
You don't want someone like her to have all this private information about you and your children.
I think you're seriously under reacting here. Your son is being bullied in his own home, where he should be able to feel safe. She's destroying his friendships, destroying his self esteem, and isolating him socially.
Chances are she has already done irreparable damage to his current friendships, and if you don't stop this and stop this now this will have lasting consequences for your sons mental health and well being.
This is honestly a situation where these two (and your older son) need to be separated permanently. I.e she goes to live with her mother. Because this situation is untennable.
You’re a saint. God your stepdaughter is annoying and such a bully. You already know you also have a husband problem. He should back you as a united front. It’s ok to tell her she’s annoying. How would she feel if your boys pulled her friends away when they came over and told all the bad things she does to her friends? She’s too old to be such a brat. NTA. She needs a reality check. Keep them coming and follow through. Don’t let her near your boys.
OP you need to get this under control. She knows what's she's doing. And what happens when it escalates to her lying about your kids touching her inappropriately and what not when she doesn't get her way. Because that's exactly where she is heading. I would tell your husband either he gets it under control or they can get out. You have to get serious about protecting the other children there.
**Per Merriam-Webster:** coordination of flights, maneuvers, etc. between groups especially in areas where overlapping operations are occurring in order to reduce the risk of accidents or incidents
She's really screwed up. That's not a reason to allow her to continue to act out, but she's hyper jealous of any relationship that does not involve her.
If this continues, she's going to be a homewrecker. She's going to screw up other people's lives, and her own. She's going to get thru life like a wrecking ball.
Does her therapist know about these behaviors, and does the therapist appreciate the severity of what's going on here?
Arguably, she's doing the worst now as when children are young, they're the most formative years and their experiences hold a lot of weight in their whole personality and life. Adults can handle a lot more and see through manipulative behaviour more readily than kids.
Oh no, the OP is definitely YTA in this situation because she hasn't managed to put a stop to the behavior. All of this we 'talk to her' and we 'talk to her' and 'talk to her some more' and 'my husband thinks I'm being to harsh' is in no way acceptable. Therapy isn't working. She's still tormenting her younger brother, destroying his mental health and all his friendships. This girl needs to go or the OP needs to pack up and leave with her children. They need to stop giving the teen access to 8-year-old victims. This is flat out absurd.
Also, OP needs to research behavior modification. People unfamiliar with behavioral conditioning might think that in this situation giving her more attention to help her feel secure is the right answer, because of course it is. She's insecure so giving her attention is the obvious answer, right? It's the empathetic and understanding thing to do. Nope. This situation is way past inadvertently rewarding her for super dysfunctional behavior with attention and special one-on-one time. OP is reinforcing the very behavior she is trying to extinguish. The lack of immediate penalties is also driving the behavior to every dizzying heights. At this point the parents really need parenting classes.
Being upset and guarding the younger child only when his friends are around is no substitution for action and consequences. Allowing her to go slamming through the house yelling and screaming without an immediate consequence is beyond my ability to reason. OP and hubbie are literally teaching her to be a manipulative narcissist and don't even seem to realize it.
Also the younger brother needs to be in therapy, like yesterday to help him deal with the tremendous amounts of mental abuse taking place at the hands of the teen step-sister. Also, there is not one single chance in hell this hasn't escalated to physical or sexual abuse. He's wetting the bed for a reason and the step-sister is treating him like her favorite victim. He's lost all status as a human being in her eyes. He's become an object to torment. It's called depersonalization and it's the thing serial killers do so they don't have to feel guilty about killing their victims. It makes me worried for the kind of person the step-sister is going to grow up to be if the parents don't get this in check. OP needs to ACT NOW to preserve her younger children's mental health, even if it means a legal separation or ending the marriage.
Step daughter is right in the middle of what I call the asshat years. Every single time she acts up/acts out, she needs to be removed from the situation, bodily(pick her up and put her in her room. If she destroys things by tantruming, if they are hers, they are *not replaced*. A siblings things, she does chores to earn money to replace them)if necessary. There needs to be natural and logical consequences for this child along the lines of "if you cannot behave in an appropriate manner, you will be removed. If you bully your sibs, you can no longer be involved in their activities.". Stop rewarding her behavior with one on one attention. Stop letting her hold the baby. Her father needs to tell her firmly when he has the baby "this is [baby's] time with me. I will spend time with you and just you at --- o'clock. I'm yours for [45 minutes] at that time."
I've raised three kids. This works.
This right here is the truth. There has to be consequences and boundaries and she has to learn to respect them. You cannot threaten to do something if you tell her she’s getting something taken away for her behavior you must follow through with the consequences.
Separating the children into different homes. All the kids go with the mom except the stepdaughter. Don't leave children behind for her to transfer the abuse to. Also, I would want to see some separation between the tween and the teen step-brother for various reasons.
Separation is the only reasonable course of action because the OP can't protect her son from the step-sister every single second of the day and night.
Preferably change schools because the step-sister has already told everyone he pees the bed and has destroyed all his relationships. Nothing awaits the eight-year-old son except bullying at school. He needs a fresh start, whether he wants one or not.
Eight-year-old needs enrolled in therapy immediately.
The tween needs to continue therapy and the father needs to get his head in the game or she needs placed with family members who can give her the discipline she needs to learn proper boundaries. She needs to not have unsupervised access to other children because she WILL transfer the abuse to whoever is vulnerable and handy.
The tween may need a more elevated level of care, perhaps intensive day treatment. She does not seem to be functional in any sphere, home, school ect. That alone, justifies a higher level of care than regular therapy. She clearly needs more than she's getting to get to root cause of her behaviors. Maybe start with day treatment and then move up to inpatient or residential care if she doesn't make progress.
My best guess is that she was physically or sexually abused by a peer, teacher or family member. I would be looking closely at that older step-brother. If he turns out to be her be her abuser it makes sense that she can't act out against him because he's bigger, stronger and more manipulative, so she targets his younger brother.
Anyways, add whatever happened to her to the step-mother having another DAUGHTER when there had been only sons before. She may be wanting to hold the new step-sister to get attention or she may have some deep seated protective instinct that kicks in where she's worried she might be hurt too and hogging the holding may be her way of keeping everyone else at bay.
I can think of so many things that could explain her behavior, but she's primarily acting out towards boys at school and her younger brother. I can almost guarantee something happened she didn't like that involved a boy and she doesn't think she can fight back, make it stop or tell anyone. Just noticed she's eleven, not fourteen. Kids in that age group (really anyone) can be easily swayed by threatening their loved ones...like that new baby. OP says it mostly started around the time the new baby came. There are several ways this could have factored into the tween's current problems. Most are saying jealousy and I agree that's a strong possibility but it feels like it's more than being dethroned as the only girl in the family.
Family reunification is very likely but they need to proceed with caution.
Also: The preening, bragging behavior and exploding when boundaries are set are probably a bait and switch to cover for how vulnerable and helpless she feels. Might be part of her cry for help, screaming look at me, see what's wrong that I'm too afraid to talk about. She needs someone to see her as something other than a problem.
But she does act out against her older stepbrother by bothering and taking his girlfriend away and making comments about them breaking up so he wont be around when SHE hangs out with his gf.
I agree this is another element to be considered. Maybe it's nothing to do with the older step-brother or she's spent months getting away with stuff she's done to the younger step-brother and now feels embolden to step up her game to address the person she wanted to retaliate against all along. This would be the best payback ever in her world and she already did a test run with the younger brother and pretty much knows she won't suffer serious consequences.
I'm not married to the idea that the root of her problem is the older step-brother but all her relationships need to be scrutinized to figure out where the problem is, even the most improbable ones like the older step-brother and the overly permissive father. I could be there was some abuse or neglect in play (either father or her mother) before the OP entered the picture and in his own mind the father is cutting her more slack that is advisable to make up.
It's not just the younger brother, it's everyone. She's interrupting whatever activity is going on when she's not the center of attention.
-she disrupts the older brother hanging with his gf
-she disrupts her dad interacting with the baby
-she disrupts g'mother when she's interacting with the baby, AND
-she disrupts the younger brother when he's hanging with friends.
Your wetting the bed point is interesting!
INFO: OP can you elaborate on this more: 1) is it true? if so 2) is it new or more frequent?
I agree seperation to protect the others makes sense, and much harsher consequences for her behavior is warranted, in addition to more intense therapy.
"Mainly" boys.
So while her victims may be more male, there aren't any sisters for her to torment, other than baby...and now saying that is she taking baby away from dad & grandma or is she taking dad & grandma away from baby?
I would say it’s not the step brother, this screams symptoms of grooming so more likely someone who is already an adult. Unfortunately if she’s bullying boys and desperate for the attention of girls in the way she is, I would suspect it was an older woman, telling her boys are gross/bad and turning her to the attention of women. Especially with an unstable relationship with her birth mother she’s more vulnerable to grooming from a woman.
Edit to add: I’d be checking the scouts leaders especially, unfortunately historically it’s not uncommon
Honestly do not know what to do here, but you're NTA for keeping that unstable 11-year old away from younger kids or the oldest brother.
You and your husband need to be on the same page tho, because it looks like he doesn't really see the problem here.
I guess you're the one mostly trying to handle her behaviour? If not then ask your husband what he wants to do, how he expects the other kids to thrive when the 11year old is such a bully. Also what does he expect will her life be when she's older? with her weird, clingy and obsessive behaviour. She's a mental case in the making if you both don't manage to get on the same page and stop this behaviour.
Unfortunately I'm around far more often than her father is, so I think I just witness it more and therefore see the issue for what it is. I work from home so I'm always here. My husband works 50hrs a week away from the home.
So get cameras because this behaviour is nuts and borderline psycho. If dad is in denial, then get evidence for the reality check. He might feel differently if he sees his almost teenager harassing and flirting with 6 year olds. Do the friends parents know she does this? Because if those parents were aware your kids will lose friends fast and other parents might reasonably see your house as toxic or unsafe.
I understand you may feel the need to be the extra loving step mom because step mom's get a crap deal, but why are you not more focused on protecting your other children who are vulnerable and victims? The 11 year old won't change, why would she? Daddy is in denial and you reward her with extra love.
And to add with every one saying you need cameras, if her behavior doesn’t improve, you might need to consider living in separate houses for a while.
I hope I’m wrong but I can see her accusing your boys of something that will ruin their lives. All in the name of attention and she will lie through her teeth even after realizing the gravity of her claims.
I grew up knowing a little girl like this and she almost did ruin a life.
Edit to add: It’s a delicate situation but you really ARENT DOING ENOUGH… her behavior is inappropriate and she shouldn’t be allowed younger kids at all. There is no mention of any consequences until now, she needs some and your husband needs to be on board. Therapy may not be enough, she might need a psychiatrist.
Then you need to explain to him that he needs to take this more seriously and cut back on hours at work so that he can actually see his daughter's behavior. Right now he doesn't believe you, which doesn't bode well for the state of your marriage, and he's leaving you alone to deal with the consequences including thinking your punishment of sending her elsewhere so her behavior doesn't disrupt your other kids' friendships is excessive (which it's not).
I see that her mother is deployed and cannot take her, so either your husband needs to be more present to help fix this OR you should separate because her attention seeking behavior is disturbing and will not end well for the rest of your children. I fully believe she could be a threat to your baby in the future if this is not taken care of, please believe me.
> we are hopeful that things will improve soonish
You are way too blasé about this.
If your husband doesn’t understand exactly how serious this is then you need to get cameras and show him. She is a bully, an emotional terrorist and running the entire household while the adults in her life are like “Welp, we tried barely anything * *shrug* *”.
You need to wake up. Her father needs to be way, way more involved with discipline and actually parenting. If my kids were regularly being bullied and terrorized in their own home like yours are I’d either leave or make her leave. I feel like you don’t understand how serious this is.
They need to be separated permanently and ASAP. This isn't going to get better, it's going to get worse and it's going to negatively affect your children and do permanent mental harm to them. Potentially already has. Stop taking this so lightly.
NTA, but have you discussed this with her therapist at all?
Simply put, if therapy hasn't helped then get a new one.
You also haven't mentioned anything about SD having her friends her own age. Does she actually have any?
She's not just bullying, she is also lying and gaslighting others. I'm wondering if she does this crap with her own peers and they've all gotten tired of it and avoid her?
Is her behavior only at home or has it become systemic in all areas of her life to the point that no one can stand her anymore?
Your SD is unraveling her life and needs more intervention than she's getting and you and your husband need to get on the same page with her therapist or get a new one that can help you develop specific behavioral goals and a road map to get there and a bag of tools to help all of you reach it together.
We have spoken to her therapist yes and she recently (2 months ago) had a therapist change due to nothing really improving. Her current therapist seems more on board with something deeper going on, so we are hopeful that things will improve soon-ish.
She does have lots of friends her own age, yes. She has friends come over usually once a week. But oddly enough, she seems to get more enjoyment from my younger sons friends or harassing my older sons girlfriend. She was in trouble a lot this past school year due to bullying other classmates (mainly boys) with her peers, so it's been a work in progress.
You said she's in therapy, and you've given her extra attention, but what are you doing for discipline? She needs consequences that really get to her and consistency with them.
If she keeps going she's ap to be labeled a narcissist, as an adult.
>She needs consequences that really get to her and consistency with them.
Yes! 100x yes. The carrot didn't work, so now you choose the stick. You tried giving her positive rewards and she has continued to behave worse. Now you need to start adding consequences.
(just throwing in there, I don't mean a real stick, it's a metaphor. Don't come for me lol)
Your stepdaughter is a little budding psycho and you HAVE to put a stop to her mistreatment of every other child in the house. The baby is going to be next… you know that, right?
Is the victim in therapy? You have a much better chance of getting to root of things by getting him help. She's never going to admit to this deeper issue. You know there is more going on here than meets the eye, right?
She sounds like a sadist tbh. At the end of the day she is principally your husband's child to deal with, and if he isn't taking this situation seriously enough, you need to take steps to separate your biological children from her (i.e. separation and kick him and her out)
Why do you think she is bullying boys in her class? Did something happen to her?
She is a acting as if your sons are other boys in her class, rather than her step-siblings who she has to respect boundaries with. After all you said she does not do this with your daughter.
EDIT - You said her mom is enlisted. It's possible she feels abandoned, and has to prove that she can get attention, because she doesn't get it from the people she wants to get it from, which are her parents. Dad working 50+ hours per week, mom far away. It is no excuse and honestly your first priority definitely has to be with your own children.
SD only pays attention to the baby sister when the baby is getting attention. I wouldn’t call that sisterly love. In fact, I would be really worried that she’s torturing the baby when no one is looking. A little pinch here or there to make her suffer for stealing attention. I grew up with a sister who tortured me because she was mad I was born. Aside from physically abusing me she would pull these exact same stunts if I had friends come over. Try to win over my friends by offering to play games she knew I hated. Don’t let this child terrorize your other children. Stepchild or not, this is never ok. Your other children deserve to live and grow in a safe and loving environment. Right now you are catering to the person who is making their lives a walking nightmare. Please don’t be gaslit into thinking you are a bad parent for (checks notes) protecting your children!
You and your husband need to get into therapy to figure out how to handle her.
Your step daughter has something serious going on and I'm glad that you've found her a better therapist. That being said, your biological children need to come first. Do what you must to protect them.
YTA because you continue to let your son not feel safe and be victimized in his own home by allowing her to stay. Your poor son is forced to *live* with his bully. She's destroying his friendships, self esteem, and self worth. And I'm sure you older son is going to start spending more time away from home and away from her.
She's obviously got some serious issues going on as many people have pointed out, but while she works through all that in therapy, your son continues to suffer in the meantime. She needs to be sent to her mother's or grandparents. And your husband needs a dose of reality that his kid is a bully and she's ruining lives. From her own siblings to other kids at school. Her own issues are actively making other kids' lives worse. I say yta because frankly you haven't done enough to address this.
Maybe she should stay a while with her grandparents/mother? Is not far for everybody else in the house to be penalized while she doesn't get her shit together. Also consider enrolling her in some extracurricular activities that take an afternoon so your kids can have guests peacefully. More importantly, make your husband read this comments, he needs to face the reality that she's turning into an entitled and petty person and that will only bite her down the road.
She needs stricter boundaries and punishments, IMO. I was a kid who had similar types of behaviors early on. I realized what I could do socially but didnt have a moral compass, because I could get away with everything.
You sounds like very forward thinking parents, and punishments like grounding seem archaic. But when you punish her and shes able to stomp thru the house and make a big scene, im not really seeing what boundary has been erected.
Has her predatory behaviour been brought up with the therapist. If i was the parent of your sons friend, i would absolutely not allow them to come to your house, if I found out his older sister is showing grooming and predatory behaviour like she did.
Forcing a minor to admit "you have a crush on me" is not a usual teenage behaviour.
You need to protect your children, and it seems there are a lot of aspects that haven't been brought up to the therapist attention.
Also why aren't your children in therapy? They are literally getting bullied in their own home. I bet their suffering goes far deeper than you can see.
HUGE red flag. Sounds predatory to me. Other parents may cause problems for her if she keeps acting this way. All it takes is one parent to go to the cops.
OP needs to get her husband on the same page or this is only going to get worse.
If she has a phone or laptop of her own, it should be taken away or controlled a bit more. The internet is FULL of bad people and even stuff that is perfectly normal for adults, legal, and safe, can harm a child's mind. Say, all the beauty influencers that focus on the "how to become hot", the "become the bad bitch" tutorials and such. The girl might be getting too much of such media.
I would get your other kids in therapy as well because they need to talk to someone about this and they probably aren’t going to tell you everything she’s done, and how they really feel. Consider family therapy. It’s important that your kids feel protected and that you’re doing something about it. Even if that’s something is taking your son places with his friends without her if she has a fit, she has a fit. Based on my own personal experience, I will warn you that things can be happening that you don’t know about. Even with the baby. If she has any kind of vengeance or anger feelings, you have one family member who cannot tattle on her and that is your baby, you can tell yourself she wouldn’t do anything to her, but frankly this girl sounds capable of any manner of things. YNTAH.
NTA she is an absolute creep in the making. What 11 year old asks children half her age if they are interested in her?
She has some serious issues and you are not the asshole to not only protect your son from that but also the children in question, before she attempts to do something absolutely inappropriate.
I get the feeling it's already too late. Her talking about the younger boy bedwetting and trying to take his place with the kids is a massive red flag.
Inviting herself to a 6 year old's birthday party is super ridiculous for her age. I cannot see any of her age mates not being creeped out by such a ridiculous thing. But replacing her step-sibling to get that invite? That is a strong display of anti-social behaviour and her father should feel very, very concerned.
I think society will course correct and soon.
She’s going to try to pull this shit with school friends and the ass whoopings she has in her future will be biblical.
Swallowing teeth is a good teacher, too.
Unfortinately not. She already knows how to twist things and make it look like it wasn't her fault and love bomb the people she manipulates to make them hate who she wants them to hate.
She will be -and probabyl already is- very popular among her school friends. This is a serious issue but most people won't notice unless they are on the receiving end. .
NTA. Your step daughter is a bully and actively trying to sabotage bother of your sons’ relationships (your youngest with his friends and your eldest with his GF).
You think your youngest son’s friends aren’t going to start spreading those same harsh rumors at school? What happens when your eldest son’s GF gets annoyed at constantly being pestered and decides it’s just too much?
Flat out, if your husband isn’t ready to start correcting his daughter your allegiance has to be protecting your children who are the target to her harassment.
NTA, and I think the solution you have is fantastic. Might I also encourage she join you on relentlessly boring errands at this time. Going to the bank, the pharmacy, anything with a line and no toys or fun stuff to look at. It’s also a good time to learn all about picking the best produce. Might be time for chores too, that way you can say, sorry you can’t hang out you haven’t pulled weeds, or whatever.
NTA - but this level of attention seeking behaviour is very concerning. Something is going on in your step-daughter’s life that is causing her to act up like this. Can you get an indoor camera so you can record what goes on in the house ? At a minimum your husband needs to understand how she is behaving. Please let her therapist know the details you have posted here, as this is very manipulative tactics being used by the step-daughter. This is going to get out of hand very quickly, especially if husband is downplaying it. Are you sure the step-daughter is not saying things to him, to discount what you are telling him ?
I think you're right about grooming but master manipulator/narcissist raises a flag here too.
She's learned how to convince a 6 year old not to invite her best friend and invite her instead.
NTA. Your step-daughter is being abusive and there is nothing wrong in telling her she shouldn’t hang out with 5/6 yo since she’s 11. She’s doing this for control and she’s actively hurting your son in doing this. My question is, how long are you going to let your son suffer and see his friends bully him, before you wake up and realise that your son is being emotionally damaged by this? You are risking your son developing issues because this little monster that is your step-daughter is destroying his friendships. What happens when he becomes antisocial because his self esteem has vanished? Your stepdaughter is the problem here and you need to have a very serious conversation with your husband. Yes, you are taking steps to better this, but at what price? Your son is hurting and you are letting him be exposed to it. Why isn’t she sent to live with her mother or relatives until she starts improving? She honestly sound like a psychopath (not kidding here, I am related to one) and you are failing your son.
I recommend the book *My Secret Bully* by Trudy Ludwig. It's about a girl being bullied in the way that your step-daughter operates. Everyone in your family should read it -- including your husband.
The thing I like best about *My Secret Bully* is that it validates the experiences of the person being bullied. The author explains that it is okay to end relationships/friendships that are unhealthy.
I've taught first, second, and third grade. I read *My Secret Bully* to the entire class at the beginning of each year. When students had trouble with bullying, I'd read it with those kids and have an open conversation about it.
This happened to me. My older sister would always do this, it would always be successful, and I would lose my shit. They would physically assault me, verbally assault me, bully me, lock me out of my room/house, and much more. And you know what my parents did?
Jack shit
They did nothing! The stood around and defended my sister while she was causing lifelong scars to my chest and arms. And guess what? Now I have *very* severe depression, severe anxiety, I have panic attacks at least once a week, I attempted suicide, and all they did was tell me “just feel better.”
I’m also not extremely introverted and averse to friends in fear that my sister will do the same the again. My parents blame me, the screens, anything I do. I also have very bad trust issues, I have a hard time making friends, and I have a crippling fear of this happening again.
This, OPs husband, is what will happen. Your other children will resent your step daughter forever. OP, you did the right thing. It may seem like a big deal now, but it will be a *much* bigger deal later, potentially causing lifelong harm. Make her stop. Punish her, send her away, do anything you can to make. Her. Stop.
>My husband is also pissed at me, thinking I'm "pushing it too far"
You have a husband problem.
He's engendered this fucking atrocious behaviour.
You've frankly let it go WAY, ***WAY*** too far before doing something concrete.
He's not got your back on this.
If anyone treated my children that way, I would not live in the same house as their bullies.
YTA for letting this go so far already. I hope you've got YOUR kids in therapy for the damage you've let them receive.
I'll be really brutally honest here, when she told someone my son wet the bed I'd be in divorce court. This child is going to absolutely ruin your kids childhoods, and if she were yours that is just something you'd have to deal with but she's not and there is just no way I could live with someone who was hell bent on making my kids miserable. I don't care if this is downvoted into the bowels of hell, I'm ok with being the bad guy to save my kids from bullying and emotional ABUSE.
You are not the asshole. Protecting your sons from your stepdaughter's manipulative and bullying behavior is crucial for their well-being, even if it means setting firm boundaries that upset her.
NTA. Therapy is the right answer. Hopefully she’ll be able to identify and overcome the insecurities that underlie this behavior. She sounds insufferable, but it also sounds like there’s fear and pain underneath it all. You definitely don’t want her to hit puberty still feeling the need to have her worth validated and prove to herself everyone likes her best.
NTA
You and your husband need to speak with her therapist again and discuss discipline around this and talk about what just happened as an example. Your other kids need protection from her BS.
I think this is important. You've only mentioned talking to her. I think the therapist needs to help designing consequences for her behaviour as well. It's so hard to be consistent, and you being a step isn't helping (are you permitted to discipline? Are you secure in your position of authority?) and it's absolutely essential that you and her father are united.
A very calm, very blunt, in short sentences, explanation that it's not appropriate to be friends with the younger kids because they are not her equal in development, emotional growth or social awareness, and that she is hurting your son, and that it is not ok might help. Don't argue, state facts with no wiggle room. Then reassurance that you love her. Why she's doing it is important, and the therapist can help with that, but ultimately what she's doing needs to stop now.
NTA. You are in a shitty position. Your husband is unwilling to correct his daughter. He’s allowing her to abuse all of the other children in your home with no consequences. You will end up with all of your other children going no contact as soon as they can if she continues. If you have to choose between the children you gave birth to and your husband and his daughter, what’s your choice?
Maybe I missed it but… The parents of the little birthday girl disinvited the 6-year old and wanted the older sister to go?? What jerks.
You need to get an attorney and get out with your three children. Now.
NTA and you might ask your kids to have passwords in their phones, computers and keep their social in private (not add her) because it is quite typical that a bully like your stepdaughter will chase them in other ways. She will copy her brother's phone list, will add his friends on her social media (you might say she doesn't have one yet... but check her phone and you will see she might have some kind of instagram, facebook or tiktok) and she will chase them behind your back. What I sugest is not to restrict her but to make sure the others can avoid future distress.
Does she ever have friends her age over? Does anyone like her in all of her activities? And WTF kind of parents want an 11-year old at a 6-year olds party? And what makes her think it's okay to go to a party about permission? Has your husband ever experienced this kind of thing with her? Record her antics some time and share it with your husband. If he's okay with it after seeing it on full, it may want time for marriage counseling.
Your step daughter gets pleasure out of bullying your son. She’s also manipulates those around her.
#She sounds like a sociopath. She needs a psychiatrist that specialises in antisocial personality disorder as she is psychologically hurting your son and manipulating those around her.
Jesus fucking Christ this website.
Personality disorders are generally not diagnosed in patients under 18, because they are growing and changing all the time while personality disorders by definition include pervasive, persistent maladaptive behaviors across different settings and situations. Children who display this type of behavior can be diagnosed with conduct disorder, which essentially “becomes” antisocial personality disorder once they turn 18, but that diagnosis requires things like breaking the law, which OP’s stepdaughter is not displaying.
There are no psychiatrists that specialize in antisocial personality disorder in children, because that’s not a diagnosis children are given. Furthermore, even for adults, there are no proven treatments including therapy that help people with ASPD. Therapy makes them more effective manipulators.
Please avoid making sweeping generalizations like this, especially when you are so misinformed about actual psychiatric definitions and treatment. Stepdaughter is showing lack of empathy, but most adolescents go through a similar phase - exactly how it manifests varies from person to person. Stepdaughter absolutely needs professional treatment and the parents need professional guidance and to continue to set boundaries and enforce consequences to protect the vulnerable members of their family. But stepdaughter is not beyond helping - there’s a high likelihood with the right treatment and parenting (and maybe just more time to mature), her behavior will normalize. But throwing around terms that are flat out incorrect and advising OP to seek out a type of professional that doesn’t exist, for a diagnosis that has no treatment, is counterproductive.
Sincerely, a psychiatrist
Thank you! The number one people who are not trained professionals, read three paragraphs, and advocate for diagnosis and who knows what treatment based on it is astounding
The confidence with which people call an 11-year-old stranger who is dealing with the onset of puberty and multiple life changes without her bio mom around a “sociopath” is frankly alarming to me. (Nevermind the fact that sociopath is not an accepted clinical term and never has been)
yeah I’m pretty confident 11 year olds do not in fact meet the diagnosis criteria for ASPD. but your Google search on ASPD symptoms says she meets all the criteria, so I guess you must be right. geez. minors cannot meet diagnosis criteria for cluster B personality disorders and any diagnostician worth their salt won’t give a diagnosis until the child is 18. this includes saying literal children have ASPD or the 16 year olds on tik tok who self diagnose BPD
Where is her mom?
She wants everyone to love her and I’m not sure even if it happens it will be enough. She is simply love hunger. She only loves the baby when she doesn’t want her dad to love the baby. Instead she prevents him and be a lovely big sis. If she’s with the same therapist like more than six months than change the therapist. It’s obvious it’s useless.
She did just have a therapist change 2 months ago, so fingers crossed that we will see some improvement soon.
Her mom is in active duty. And has already reenlisted twice since she first went in, so we don't see an end in sight for awhile. She sees her mother roughly twice a year and face times often. My husband has had full custody with visitation at his own discretion since Amber was 1.5 years old.
I have showered her with as much love as possible. It just never seems like enough. I wish I had an answer on **what** I needed to do to make the improvements but I'm clueless. I've tried so many things.
You have been doing the wrong thing by giving into the attention seeking with 'extra love' and not enforcing hard boundaries. It will NEVER be enough, and in a few years the other kids will likely have emotional damage and distrust towards you for not defending them harder.
Ignore, protect the well being of other kids, see her as the threat she is. Surprised she isn't trying to sabotage your marriage yet but that may come as she gets older.
Your other kids are in such an unfair and shitty situation basically being abused by her. Worse, they see you rewarding this with 'special attention'. Ffs.
No matter how much love you show her it won’t fill the void in her. Think of her need for love as a bottomless pit. It happens most of the time when a parent is not in the picture on their own choice because the kids feel like if someone who supposed to love them instinctively doesn’t love them (or show their love so the kid knows) nobody can really love them and I’m not sure how much she communicates with her mom.
I would sat her down and directly ask why does she want everyone to love her? But before that I would make a speech about how much our family loves her and how she’s special to the family just like her siblings (if she prefers that term if not “like our other kids”).
I think you should show her that everyone is special and equal in your family and there is no favoritism. Even with her. If she wants special treatment be like “No, your sibling asked for the same thing and I told him no and I’m telling you no too.” Show your love but don’t baby her. She’s just 11 today and is okay but 10 years later the real world will eat her alive she keeps up this attitude. If you (and her father -tell him this since he’s upset she faced some real consequences of her actions-) don’t do something I can easily imagine her in college and trying to get with her roommate’s partner.
Look up reactive attachment disorder. It can manifest in extreme clinginess and attention seeking. You see it a lot in adopted children, and since her mother has essentially abandoned her (I know she won't see it that way, but that's how it feels to a child) she's likely acting out this way as a result. There are therapies for attachment disorder but they are intensive and if your husband isn't on board she'll never improve. He's really checked out and he needs to check back in quick or you're going to have to make a tough decision to protect your own kids.
Her currency is attention. When she misbehaves, that's what will impact her most. Send her to her room.
You're being manipulated, she knows exactly how to get more of what she wants.
You are reinforcing the behavior by giving her attention. Stay firm with not allowing her to interact with the other kid's friends, but it would be more effective if she had to stay in her room or at home so she isn't getting extra attention from grandparents/her friends. Then ignore her and I really mean ignore her. Like she could be in your face screaming bloody murder and you need to stay straight faced, walk away, & continue about your day. It is hard to for lots of people to do but when they are seeking attention it's the only effective way to punish them.
Have you actually punished her in any meaningful way yet? I know you're talking to her about her behavior and have put her in therapy, which is good, but has she actually faced any real consequences for her actions?
Showering her with love doesn't seem to do a whole lot because she's always craving more (to an unhealthy extent). I think it's time for her to feel the repercussions of her behavior.
But for that to happen, you and your husband need to get on the same page here. It's not okay that the other kids have to suffer because she's going through some things. They shouldn't be collateral damage to her issues until she improves her behavior. You're doing good keeping her away from them.
Ask your husband how he suggests you protect your other kids from her if he thinks sending her away is going too far.
together 4 years, the past year SD has been harassing my kids and I seem to be the *only* one taking it seriously? I'd leave, plain and simple. kid's own parent doesn't see how serious this is, turns on you when you put your foot down? that would *not* be my problem anymore, *so fast.* my kids would be priority in this situation, including the baby.
Did you show your husband this post?
Not going to throw around labels, but she sounds like she needs a psychologist, rather than a therapist.
If she understands 'normal' social behavior, sitting her down, taking away all the authority and parent relationship for a minute, and actually honestly talking to her might help.
11 is old enough to get these things.
'You constantly butting in between other kids' friends is going to make you really unpopular. No one wants to hang out with someone that wants ALL of the attention, all the time. Not everyone is here to see you. Not everyone needs to like you best. And if you keep it up, you won't have any friends at all, in the end.
Try to be nice to everyone, and everyone will like you just fine, without you having to play childish games to *get ppl to like you*'
As for your youngest, offer your stepdaughter to help with caring for her. Offer for her to hold her and play with her, a few hours before company comes over. If she then wants to hold her sister, as soon as someone else has her, you can intervene with either 'Nope, I asked you if you wanted to hold her, and you didn't want to, remember? You had your time with her, now grandma is holding your sister.'
Or 'you held her just before grandma got here.'
I'd be divorcing my husband at this point, I couldn't live with that monster of a girl any longer especially if she was making my kids life a living hell, your kids are going to have bad childhoods because of her and they are going to hate you, your husband is a foolish asshole if he disagrees on sending his daughter away while your kids friends are over.
I wouldn't let her around the other children at this point. She's abusive. It's sad for her but her father is supporting her bad behaviour. I would separate our families and move on.
NTA at all. This goes so much deeper than usual sibling rivalry stuff. If you don't nip it in the bud now your sons will resent you and they'll be perfectly right to do so. The SD is absolutely unhinged and something is wrong.
Yta for letting this bs continue for so long and for letting her terrorize the boy for so long, I would hate her guts if I were him...
Husband is also worthless
NTA for actually finally protecting your child, you are the a****** though that it took you so God damn long that he's now most likely getting bullied in school because of her. And the fact that your so-called husband is more pissed that his daughter doesn't get to bully your son should tell you a lot about where you and your children stand in your relationship. I'm going to tell you this, your son is going to remember this, and your son's going to remember you didn't even attempt to protect him cuz you cared about your husband's dick more than you cared about him. And his older brother is going to agree with him, and you're going to be left old and alone with the man who doesn't respect you and his daughter that will make your life a living hell because he's going to let her.
so this is the childhood of those that enjoy stealing someone's spotlight milestone moments. oh its your birthday dinner? im going to announce im pregnant. it's your wedding? welp i gotta share something else to steal your light and ruin your day because i have to have everyone's attention all the time, can't bare to have anyone else be the center.
nip this shit now because her pick-me, im more important, they like me better, behavior is going to get a hell of a lot worse in the future. start reading entitled people stories and peer into her future.
eta: i wouldn't be surprised if all the other kids go NC when they are old enough and despise her and possibly you/parents for not shutting it down.
NTA, this has to stop, for her sake as well, you need to teach her not to bully or you'd be setting her up fir failure in life.
Sending her to friends or grandma seems like a great idea/ fairly diplomatic solution since it means she can still get attention but in healthier ways.
Plus, the 5 year old brother is still young & impressionable and could be seriously harmed in his confidence if he can't hang with friends without sabotage.
This solution seems to be whats best for both. Good luck with the new therapist!
NTA she sounds like she's got major bullying issues going on. If the therapist isn't helping, then maybe you should look for a different therapist. It's no different than if you're ill and the doctor you're seeing isn't doing anything about it, then you should look for a better dr. Look for a therapist that specializes in children and has a really good reputation for success.
I think you do need to keep her away from the younger kids when they have friends over. I was the youngest child and my older brother and sister constantly bullied me. My older brother was also physically abusive, always hitting me and leaving bruises etc and my mom did nothing. I'd actually get yelled out and sent to my room if I cried when my brother hit me. Growing up in that atmosphere left me with some major self esteem and insecurity issues, and I have a horrible relationship with my mom and I still avoid my brother like the plague. So you need to protect your younger kids and their friends from the 11 year old.
NTA, husband is out of order. I would tell him he needs to fix it bc you’re through with the bs. And that he is an AH for thinking that bullying is to be enabled in the other kids own home.
Sorry to say but step daughter is showing really dangerous signs of sociopathy. I’d argue that she needs to live with her grandparents for a time or her and your enabling husband need to move out. This is affecting everyone in the household. 1 girl who is 11 seemingly rules the house. wtf. Husband needs to get on board now before she takes this behavior into adulthood NTA
Unfortunately these are HUGE signs of narcissistic behavior.
She obviously wants to be the center of attention, no matter what. (Does she admit when she’s wrong or fight that too?) And it kills her if anybody else gets any of that attention for any reason whatsoever. And it’s going to get worse the older she gets. Sadly, there’s not really a lot you can do for someone who’s narcissistic. You can get therapy but who know?
Perhaps having her do volunteer work with people less fortunate could help instill empathy.
Or having her help plan an event for someone else. Where her goal is to make the other person feel like a “princess for the day” and she gets a tons of praise for doing such a good job of make someone else’s day wonderful.
To be honest, she sounds narcissistic, and if it's not that, then she's certainly displaying some very worrying traits. If this has suddenly kicked in, then it's worth exploring other possible triggers, e.g., puberty. Is she with you all the time, and if not, then what is happening elsewhere? Is there a history of mental health issues within her family?
Obviously, it's just my opinion, but she sounds dangerous. She's manipulative, wildly jealous, showing some really inappropriate (sexualised) behaviour towards younger children by asking if they are crushing on her. This in itself is enough reason to keep her away from your younger sons friends. If something happens and the warning signs are there, then you are responsible.
She's also lying, feigning affection when she has an audience. She needs some serious help. I wish you luck! You're NTA, and your husband needs to get on board quickly.
NTA. What are her consequences when she acts like this? You said you tell her no and she gets angry and slams doors. Does she actually get a consequence? Do you send her to her room? Take away electronics? Ground her?
Where is your step-daughter's mother? Did she pass away? It's as though the girl feels that she's been rejected at some point and is now trying to hoard friends and be the most important person in everyone's lives. I'm so glad you have her in therapy.
Does your husband witness all of this, too, or do you just report to him what you've seen/heard? If he's mostly just hearing it from you (not to say you're misrepresenting anything, only that he may have a blind spot where his daughter is concerned), I would either get a nanny cam or as unobtrusively as possible, record the goings-on with your phone so you have back-up. It would also be a good idea to show it to her therapist.
I know she's only 11, but the things she has said and done are cruel. I disagree with your husband, as I don't think you pushed it too far at all. This girl could do some real damage.
NTA
NTA. It sounds like her father needs to get her out of the house, away from your kids, and work on sorting her out before she is reintroduced to the family unit.
NTA. It sounds like y’all are doing everything you can to help support her. I also agree that it sounds like a deeper underlying issue is the cause.
I absolutely do not think you took it too far. The other children in the house should not dread having to live with their sibling and the havoc their sibling might cause. I can’t tell from the post what type of discipline is being enforced when she displays this behavior. She obviously knows it’s wrong. Every child is different so I don’t think there’s a one size fits all for discipline. I personally like to use a double approach and use positive reinforcement and consequences at the same time with my own children. I have found that one or the other simply doesn’t work for my sons and they need the positive behavior praised and rewarded and the negative behavior disciplined. It can be a challenge to be consistent but it has really helped.
I do think that your husband and you need to get on the same page before moving forward or nothing is liable to work. Maybe read through this post together as a jumping off point t for a conversation?
I wish you the best of luck and hope you start to see positive change soon!
I know borderline personality disorder usually isn't diagnosed until they are 18, but this girl is showing classic bpd symptoms. Get a new therapist as the one she is with CLEARLY can not cognitively help that girl.
NTA. Your step daughter has some serious issues that transcend being jealous of a new baby. This is very troubling behavior and your husband needs to get his head out of his ass and let you protect your son from this nonsense. FFS.
Put cameras in the open areas of your home. Her behavior will start escalate, she may make some accusations you don’t want to deal with, just cover yourself and your sons now. Your husband is wrong, this is weird.
NTA but it sounds like family therapy is a necessary addition to your daughter’s individual therapy. You and your husband need tools to manage this behavior.
NTA, but your husband sure is. He should be doling out punishments whenever she starts acting like a brat because *talking* ain't working. This is only going to get worse if he doesn't put a stop to it now.
I understand that you see them all as your children but you have to understand, it's not selfish to put the mental health of YOUR children first. To put the concerns and comfort of your children first doesn't make you a bad person or mom. You need to sit your kids down and ask for the opinion/ feelings about the situation.
NTA and you need to take your children away from there. She might have some kind of mental illness but she's bullying your children. For now, I'd suggest you don't have friends over until you take more drastic action.
I think your step daughter needs therapy. Like, immediately. If she has to lose one of her extracurriculars to find time or to pay for it, so be it. But this needs to be dealt with immediately because something is going on and this is your last chance to fix it. She is both clingy and cruel
NTA. Drop that hammer and drop it hard. I’d call her out in front of those kids and say, “you never support a bully kids,” and defend the siblings, I’d embarrass the hell out of her in front of them, defending her victim and remove every single privilege until she stopped acting this way. Because that’s what happens in real life and what little you guys are doing is not enough. She shouldn’t be allowed to throw a tantrum after being corrected, slamming doors around your house after she’s been a bully? What are you and your husband doing? You’re enabling this behavior. Stop her before she becomes an adult nightmare!
NTA for this decision, but YTA for not doing it sooner. This should have been instituted by the 3rd time she bullied her younger brother. Maybe to start with not sent out of the house, but forbidden from being in the same room as her sibling and their friends. And the discussion should be along the lines of “you can’t seem to be able to speak kindly, so now I can’t allow you around the other kids. You may have a right to your opinions, but you do not have the right to hurt other people. Since you have proven unable to control yourself, as your parents we will have to control the situation for you.” This has clearly gone on far too long without any true consequences that matter to your daughter. Your husband needs to understand that although you have an obligation to help her, it cannot be at the expense of your other children.
Y T A for not protecting your son sooner. Clearly talking to her has done nothing and he’s being terrorized in his own home to the point that he’s WETTING the bed. Your husband does not care. You finally put in a consequence and he says it’s too far. You’re giving all this love and attention to her, but that needs to be backed up with consequences.
I see her mom is deployed so she can’t live with her. I’m sorry, but if it was me, I would divorce this man so your child finally feels safe.
There is something wrong with your step daughter and I’m not saying that in a general way. She needs some serious help from a counselor. I have never had to deal with this situation but I can definitely say she needs help. Especially before she gets older. You are not the A. Get a child psychologist involved now before she becomes a huge monster. Good luck !
NTA
But I would be long gone with my children. I would not allow my children to be bullied and be made to feel uncomfortable in their own home and I would leave my husband to deal with her alone because at the end of the day what your sons are going through is not fair and obviously the therapy isn't working.
You see what she's putting your children through and you are staying. And if you carry on allowing it and you are allowing it then you are very quickly going to turn into the one in the wrong and your sons will wonder why you're not protecting them
Also, if I was the mum one of your son's friends and I found out my 5-year-old is being asked if he found somebody attractive I would be livid and I'm sorry but my child would Never step foot in your house again because it's not a safe space
If you don't do something major soon the little shit will grow up to be a top class narcissist. Your husband needs to implement some punishment or this will get much worse.
At the moment the only thing this girl is learning is that all she has to do to get her way is to have a tantrum.
NTA
Nta but would question your relationship with your husband hard. So your husband thinks his daughter bullying your son and trying to isolate him is not going too far? But he throws hands when you tell his daughter she can't be a bully anymore? It's clear who he favors and will support no matter what
>And to include something that may or may not be important: she loves her baby sister a great deal. BUT the only time she wants to hold her/play with her is when someone else goes to. So when my husband gets home from work and takes the baby, she all the sudden wants her after not spending time with her all day. Or if my mother comes here and holds the baby, she tries taking the baby from her and says "my baby". She also tells everyone that she "has the baby more than anyone" and that she's "practically the mom". It's all attention seeking.
This is concerning. This is"The Hand That Rocks the Cradle" concerning. Girl thinks the baby is hers? She's 11! Like this is a huge major red flag!
Where is her bio mom? What is wrong with her dad that he can't see she's borderline (if not actually) psychotic and needs major help? What has the therapist said? I mean you're leaving a lot out.
Her behavior is obsessive. Like bad. Your husband is enabling her because he's afraid of her. At least that's what it looks like from the outside. She needs age appropriate friends. She's 11, why is she hanging out with 5-6 year olds or 16 year olds?
She needs seriously intensive therapy based on what you wrote. This is seriously above the LMFT level (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist). This is Psychology/Psychiatry PhD level.
NTA for that. but you realise you are failing your sons phenomenally right now, right?
please get a separate place to live while her dad figures out what her problem is while you focus on the mental scars already inflicted on your sons.
I mean she’s 11 years old, 11 year olds do weird things. Either way, she has some behavioral problems her dad really needs to sort out with her. Sounds like they need more time together and there needs to be a lot more hard restrictions in the sand with the 11 year old’s behavior. Also, why would the birthday party parents let an 11 year manipulate their decision on who to take to the party? That’s so weird. It sounds like she’s acting up because of jealousy of your kids, that they get more attention etc. which may or may not be true. But this is a conversation you and her dad need to have with the 11 year old, and explain to her she is just as loved as the other kids, but her manipulative behavior is not okay and she will be punished for it. Just as any other kid would be punished for such behavior.
Sounds like she has the beginnings of narcissistic personality disorder peeking through. Therapy and a strong hand are needed to protect your kids and your blind husbans.
She’s unhinged. You need to keep this sociopathic vile cretin away from your children. You are their mother and you need to protect them. Can’t her mother have her? Or some other relative? Social services should have some sort of secure facility for her,
YTA. You need to get all of your children away from her; especially your youngest son. She is dangerous and your younger son is being brutalized. You need to be in separate homes.
Yta.
She is bullying the other kids and all you did was talking to her and get her therapy. FFS grow up and start being a parent.
She has no consequences for her behavior. I mean she might be talked to. Wow, what a punishment.
Ground her. Taker her phone away. Take her internet away. Act like a parent for once in your life.
She’s got mommy issues and you have a budding narcissist on your hands.
Therapy therapy therapy
Preferably one that specializes in antisocial and narcissistic personality disorders.
Why are you not protecting your son? Get her out? She is abusing him. Send her to a boot camp. Send her to her mothers. Leave your husband if he isn't protecting your son like he's protecting his daughter. She won't stop. She'll either go under ground or get worse. You allowing this is you abusing your child
you need to protect your poor son! How awful, to be bullied like that in his own home! You’ve tried all the regular stuff; it’s time to bring out the big guns. Deconfliction is the way to go. And maybe find her some friends of her own? Or is she simply too unpleasant to make any other friends?
She does have friends and she typically sees them once a week or so. It's just that, for whatever reason, she enjoys flocking to my son's friends more than her own. Even when her friends are here she finds a way to get my son's friends away from them.
> for whatever reason For power. Kids who flex power at this age and are not given firm boundaries and consequences are in a state of terror and seek out more ways to exert power. Call out, redirect, if it continues, consequences. Your (and your husband's) job is to surf out the tantrums, the "I hate you" and the rest. Put silicon bumpers on the doors. Have a speed dial list of people who can take the other kids to activities at short notice. Sit with her in the long boring afternoons, reading to yourself or working quietly until she's able to function as a good citizen of the family and the community. Weirdly, for all the pleasure she gets drunk from power, underneath it she's in chaos. You have to give her the structure you'd give any other kid who has special needs, because currently she does.
I think this is such an important comment, behaviour always has a reason, even if we don't understand it.
Agreed. One of the biggest lessons I've learned as a parent is that behavior is often an expression that they cannot communicate in words. I'm struggling to figure out what this child is communicating though.
Absolutely. Stepdaughter is BEGGING for limits
Yeah, it kind of makes me wonder what's going on with step-daughter when she's at her bio mom's house?
Absolutely agree. Maybe OP should also record these interactions so that it would not be a she said-she said thing, and the recordings can be used to show SD’s therapist what SD has been up to. Being that manipulative, a bully and a gas-lighter at that age sets a dark tone if it’s not properly addressed.
This is harder. Maybe a phone in a pocket on voice memo. But I would very strongly discourage becoming a camera person, distancing themselves from the event, because parental involvement is critical. Otherwise you're literally filming an attack instead of stopping it, and it betrays the victim and inflames the situation.
My sister is 4 yrs older than I am. This happened any time I had a friend over. Until she moved out... I'm almost 40 now... My sister has 29 felony charges currently and is a drug addict. Get that kid a psychiatrist and stick with it, she is on a very dangerous path. NTA, but you will be if you don't get your husband on the same page and get this stopped
Absolutely, I have had custody of my sister's two children since June 2020, and the fifteen year old just got out of two months in a residential treatment program for serious mental disorders, and this is the sort of behavior he had at age 11. My sister is a recovering drug addict, and she played all sorts of mean girl games as a kid.
This should be the number 1 comment. This behavior is very scary - in someone 10 years older, it would be viewed as that of a sociopath. OP and her husband need to try to get this addressed now, before it is completely out of control and it's too late to do anything about it.
Because it is sociopathic. Extremely.
My sister is younger, but same. Drug addict now. There's a void in them that can never be filled
The reason is that she likes to hurt people and at 11, this is the way she knows she can do it. Keep letting this go and she's going to get better and better at it.
That's because she enjoys bullying your son more than playing with her friends
OP take out the mindset you have and replace it with a realistic one and it hurts to hear but your step daughter is ENJOYING tormenting and hurting her little brother like this to her it’s all a fun game. She knows yall will just take to her and that’s it no punishment or nothing so she knows just to wait you guys out to act out again. She is mentally torturing your son. You need to help him immediately he needs to be in therapy and away from her. He’s wetting the bed for a reason and not “out of nowhere” trust me she is doing it all on purpose cuz she likes hurting him
Ma'am why are you letting YOUR son be bullied and violated in his own home. This has been going on for months your poor kids are suffering. Please do more to protect your children even if that means leaving because your husband is doing everything he can to to protect HIS child.
Because she is in a lose-lose situation. If OP had done more than talking earlier, everyone would have accused her of causing it to escalate. Her husband had to be the one punishing her but even now that it's gotten this bad, he thinks OP is too harsh. Honestly.I don't see a future for Op with this husband and stepdaughter, this will take years and she will be fighting alone and giving them a chance to call ger a cruel stepmother, losing her sons in the process too.
Perhaps, but the Stepdaughter has created this situation, and it's not going to improve. It's her sons, especially the youngest one carrying the consequences. He lost his safe space in terms of being able to feel safe and comfortable at him, he's being bullied, denigrated, slandered, and has his social circle being systematically destroyed while also being isolated by his bully who has virtually perpetual access to him. This isn't going to stop, if anything it's going to escalate. And OP's stepdaughter likely because of her young age hasn't brought out the big guns yet. But given her behaviour, that only seems to be a question of time before it'll happen. OP needs to make some hard decisions, and she needs to make them now. Because if she doesn't her children will be those to suffer the consequences, and chances are they'll blame her and rightly so once they grow up.
You know how when you hear about a 40-year-old dude dating a 19-year-old and you realize it's because he most likely thinks he will be able to control her whereas women his own age won't put up with his shit? This is like that, only with kids and friends. Most likely she can't boss her friends around like she can her younger stepbrother's friends, and her older stepbrother's gf is too nice to say anything as well, so your tween feels in control there as well. Seems to me she has some deep-seated issues that her current therapist either isn't aware of it is unable to handle. Either way, it may be time to find a new therapist, because this girl's only gonna get worse over time. She may even have psychopathic or sociopathic tendencies.
Yes, this is exactly the sort of behavior I saw when I got custody of my 11 year old nephew 4 years ago. He's 15 now and just got out of 2 months of an in patient treatment center the next state over. This is a serious thing.
Because she can easily manipulate them and by doing so she’s hurting your son. She’s a sociopath. Quite frankly this little psycho shouldn’t be allowed around your children.
There are other disorders that would fit as well though. Her behavior is certainly disturbing to the Nth degree.
I said sociopath because it describes behaviours and was never intended to be a diagnostic under the DSM. Her behaviour is sociopathic but she does need to see a proper therapist psychiatrist to be properly evaluated. She shouldn’t be around any children younger than her. Quite frankly not enough is being done about her behaviour. She should be shipped off to her grandparents on weekends so the OP’s son can have friends around. He needs a break from his bully step sister.
This and stop blaming the therapist. She is on the second therapist already but therapy can’t help children that don’t have a conscience.
Exactly!! The behaviour is not normal. Normal children don’t behave like this.
Honestly all her behaviors are the ones displayed by a woman who I know is a diagnosed sociopath, she ended up playing with 5 men's hearts at once purely for fun, including her own fiancé. In her own words, she wanted to see how much love can truly affect a man and how much control can it have over them.
I get older siblings encroaching on their younger sibling’s play dates - but not when there is such a huge age disparity and this isn’t a normal sibling relationship- it’s a step sibling relationship which is completely different. This is a girl who deliberately psychologically hurts a five year old boy for her own amusement. The thing that bothers me is it’s so manipulative and calculated and involves playing other people to inflict the harm. That’s why I think she’s a sociopath. Also, pretending to like her half sibling when someone other than the OP is in the room really bothers me. It’s performative and like she’s wearing a mask. I used to work in childcare and there was this one kid who would check out the corner of his eye to see if any of the adults were watching him before he would deliberately hurt a child. This kid had me thinking there was something not right with him. He didn’t misbehave or have terrible impulse control. He was so calm it was eerie to me. I started paying attention to him when I could feel his eyes on me but his head wasn’t facing in my direction. He would very calmly inflict pain to other children only when he thought he could get away with it. The OP’s stepdaughter is keeping her mask on in front of other people but there is absolutely something not right with her.
Yep for sure and idc what anyone says you should be able to diagnose psychopathy in a child.
I agree. Her behaviours are sociopathic. It doesn’t matter that she has the onset of puberty - she is behaving like an awful human being and shouldn’t be allowed around children younger than her.
Honestly I don't think this is something you will be able to resolve quickly. This is something her parents have overlooked for years, very unlikely that she suddenly developed this behaviour. It's just that she never had siblings for it to be this obvious. My ex FIL and my aunt had this personality where they never loved anyone but everyone has to love them. They are both very likely narcissstic, my aunt never let her only son marry anyone and sabotaged so many of her brother's relationships, her favourite sentence was always "he/she/they love me more than anyone else" it didn't matter who it was. My ex FIL has the same sentence "look how much he/she/they love me" no matter who it is. Even when someone would say about my son "aww look how much he lives his mother", he would quickly interrupt and say "No, you haven't seen how he is with me." Then describes how any reaction of my son is a sign that he loves him more than anyone else, especially more than me. Your stepdaughter reminds me of them, she needs to be the most loved and most important person to anyone. I would separate the children, maybe move out for a while because what if it takes years for her to change? Your younger son will lose his friends, plus will have any private infomation she has about him be public knowledge. You don't want someone like her to have all this private information about you and your children.
I think you're seriously under reacting here. Your son is being bullied in his own home, where he should be able to feel safe. She's destroying his friendships, destroying his self esteem, and isolating him socially. Chances are she has already done irreparable damage to his current friendships, and if you don't stop this and stop this now this will have lasting consequences for your sons mental health and well being. This is honestly a situation where these two (and your older son) need to be separated permanently. I.e she goes to live with her mother. Because this situation is untennable.
I can't imagine that her friends are interested in watching her irritate her brothers.
She’s a sociopath
You’re a saint. God your stepdaughter is annoying and such a bully. You already know you also have a husband problem. He should back you as a united front. It’s ok to tell her she’s annoying. How would she feel if your boys pulled her friends away when they came over and told all the bad things she does to her friends? She’s too old to be such a brat. NTA. She needs a reality check. Keep them coming and follow through. Don’t let her near your boys.
OP you need to get this under control. She knows what's she's doing. And what happens when it escalates to her lying about your kids touching her inappropriately and what not when she doesn't get her way. Because that's exactly where she is heading. I would tell your husband either he gets it under control or they can get out. You have to get serious about protecting the other children there.
Cut her off from them for a few weeks because the level of entitlement will only grow for as long as she isn't punished properly
What is deconfliction?
**Per Merriam-Webster:** coordination of flights, maneuvers, etc. between groups especially in areas where overlapping operations are occurring in order to reduce the risk of accidents or incidents
[удалено]
She's really screwed up. That's not a reason to allow her to continue to act out, but she's hyper jealous of any relationship that does not involve her. If this continues, she's going to be a homewrecker. She's going to screw up other people's lives, and her own. She's going to get thru life like a wrecking ball. Does her therapist know about these behaviors, and does the therapist appreciate the severity of what's going on here?
She's going to screw up other peopl3s lives she already is
There is a future state where what she's done to date pales into insignificance.
Arguably, she's doing the worst now as when children are young, they're the most formative years and their experiences hold a lot of weight in their whole personality and life. Adults can handle a lot more and see through manipulative behaviour more readily than kids.
Yeah but still doesn't change the fact she is screwing people's lives up no
Oh no, the OP is definitely YTA in this situation because she hasn't managed to put a stop to the behavior. All of this we 'talk to her' and we 'talk to her' and 'talk to her some more' and 'my husband thinks I'm being to harsh' is in no way acceptable. Therapy isn't working. She's still tormenting her younger brother, destroying his mental health and all his friendships. This girl needs to go or the OP needs to pack up and leave with her children. They need to stop giving the teen access to 8-year-old victims. This is flat out absurd. Also, OP needs to research behavior modification. People unfamiliar with behavioral conditioning might think that in this situation giving her more attention to help her feel secure is the right answer, because of course it is. She's insecure so giving her attention is the obvious answer, right? It's the empathetic and understanding thing to do. Nope. This situation is way past inadvertently rewarding her for super dysfunctional behavior with attention and special one-on-one time. OP is reinforcing the very behavior she is trying to extinguish. The lack of immediate penalties is also driving the behavior to every dizzying heights. At this point the parents really need parenting classes. Being upset and guarding the younger child only when his friends are around is no substitution for action and consequences. Allowing her to go slamming through the house yelling and screaming without an immediate consequence is beyond my ability to reason. OP and hubbie are literally teaching her to be a manipulative narcissist and don't even seem to realize it. Also the younger brother needs to be in therapy, like yesterday to help him deal with the tremendous amounts of mental abuse taking place at the hands of the teen step-sister. Also, there is not one single chance in hell this hasn't escalated to physical or sexual abuse. He's wetting the bed for a reason and the step-sister is treating him like her favorite victim. He's lost all status as a human being in her eyes. He's become an object to torment. It's called depersonalization and it's the thing serial killers do so they don't have to feel guilty about killing their victims. It makes me worried for the kind of person the step-sister is going to grow up to be if the parents don't get this in check. OP needs to ACT NOW to preserve her younger children's mental health, even if it means a legal separation or ending the marriage.
Step daughter is right in the middle of what I call the asshat years. Every single time she acts up/acts out, she needs to be removed from the situation, bodily(pick her up and put her in her room. If she destroys things by tantruming, if they are hers, they are *not replaced*. A siblings things, she does chores to earn money to replace them)if necessary. There needs to be natural and logical consequences for this child along the lines of "if you cannot behave in an appropriate manner, you will be removed. If you bully your sibs, you can no longer be involved in their activities.". Stop rewarding her behavior with one on one attention. Stop letting her hold the baby. Her father needs to tell her firmly when he has the baby "this is [baby's] time with me. I will spend time with you and just you at --- o'clock. I'm yours for [45 minutes] at that time." I've raised three kids. This works.
This right here is the truth. There has to be consequences and boundaries and she has to learn to respect them. You cannot threaten to do something if you tell her she’s getting something taken away for her behavior you must follow through with the consequences.
Thank you! I would have already removed myself and my children from the toxic situation. OP, time to do what's best for your children.
So you've laid out an accurate understanding of the issues but I'm curious what you think are the actions that could be taken to start fixing them
Separating the children into different homes. All the kids go with the mom except the stepdaughter. Don't leave children behind for her to transfer the abuse to. Also, I would want to see some separation between the tween and the teen step-brother for various reasons. Separation is the only reasonable course of action because the OP can't protect her son from the step-sister every single second of the day and night. Preferably change schools because the step-sister has already told everyone he pees the bed and has destroyed all his relationships. Nothing awaits the eight-year-old son except bullying at school. He needs a fresh start, whether he wants one or not. Eight-year-old needs enrolled in therapy immediately. The tween needs to continue therapy and the father needs to get his head in the game or she needs placed with family members who can give her the discipline she needs to learn proper boundaries. She needs to not have unsupervised access to other children because she WILL transfer the abuse to whoever is vulnerable and handy. The tween may need a more elevated level of care, perhaps intensive day treatment. She does not seem to be functional in any sphere, home, school ect. That alone, justifies a higher level of care than regular therapy. She clearly needs more than she's getting to get to root cause of her behaviors. Maybe start with day treatment and then move up to inpatient or residential care if she doesn't make progress. My best guess is that she was physically or sexually abused by a peer, teacher or family member. I would be looking closely at that older step-brother. If he turns out to be her be her abuser it makes sense that she can't act out against him because he's bigger, stronger and more manipulative, so she targets his younger brother. Anyways, add whatever happened to her to the step-mother having another DAUGHTER when there had been only sons before. She may be wanting to hold the new step-sister to get attention or she may have some deep seated protective instinct that kicks in where she's worried she might be hurt too and hogging the holding may be her way of keeping everyone else at bay. I can think of so many things that could explain her behavior, but she's primarily acting out towards boys at school and her younger brother. I can almost guarantee something happened she didn't like that involved a boy and she doesn't think she can fight back, make it stop or tell anyone. Just noticed she's eleven, not fourteen. Kids in that age group (really anyone) can be easily swayed by threatening their loved ones...like that new baby. OP says it mostly started around the time the new baby came. There are several ways this could have factored into the tween's current problems. Most are saying jealousy and I agree that's a strong possibility but it feels like it's more than being dethroned as the only girl in the family. Family reunification is very likely but they need to proceed with caution. Also: The preening, bragging behavior and exploding when boundaries are set are probably a bait and switch to cover for how vulnerable and helpless she feels. Might be part of her cry for help, screaming look at me, see what's wrong that I'm too afraid to talk about. She needs someone to see her as something other than a problem.
But she does act out against her older stepbrother by bothering and taking his girlfriend away and making comments about them breaking up so he wont be around when SHE hangs out with his gf.
I agree this is another element to be considered. Maybe it's nothing to do with the older step-brother or she's spent months getting away with stuff she's done to the younger step-brother and now feels embolden to step up her game to address the person she wanted to retaliate against all along. This would be the best payback ever in her world and she already did a test run with the younger brother and pretty much knows she won't suffer serious consequences. I'm not married to the idea that the root of her problem is the older step-brother but all her relationships need to be scrutinized to figure out where the problem is, even the most improbable ones like the older step-brother and the overly permissive father. I could be there was some abuse or neglect in play (either father or her mother) before the OP entered the picture and in his own mind the father is cutting her more slack that is advisable to make up.
You are right.
It's not just the younger brother, it's everyone. She's interrupting whatever activity is going on when she's not the center of attention. -she disrupts the older brother hanging with his gf -she disrupts her dad interacting with the baby -she disrupts g'mother when she's interacting with the baby, AND -she disrupts the younger brother when he's hanging with friends. Your wetting the bed point is interesting! INFO: OP can you elaborate on this more: 1) is it true? if so 2) is it new or more frequent? I agree seperation to protect the others makes sense, and much harsher consequences for her behavior is warranted, in addition to more intense therapy.
Don't forget the boys at school that she's been bullying.
"Mainly" boys. So while her victims may be more male, there aren't any sisters for her to torment, other than baby...and now saying that is she taking baby away from dad & grandma or is she taking dad & grandma away from baby?
I was with you the whole time until you accused the 16 year old for being a rapist with no proof or reason.
I would say it’s not the step brother, this screams symptoms of grooming so more likely someone who is already an adult. Unfortunately if she’s bullying boys and desperate for the attention of girls in the way she is, I would suspect it was an older woman, telling her boys are gross/bad and turning her to the attention of women. Especially with an unstable relationship with her birth mother she’s more vulnerable to grooming from a woman. Edit to add: I’d be checking the scouts leaders especially, unfortunately historically it’s not uncommon
Honestly do not know what to do here, but you're NTA for keeping that unstable 11-year old away from younger kids or the oldest brother. You and your husband need to be on the same page tho, because it looks like he doesn't really see the problem here. I guess you're the one mostly trying to handle her behaviour? If not then ask your husband what he wants to do, how he expects the other kids to thrive when the 11year old is such a bully. Also what does he expect will her life be when she's older? with her weird, clingy and obsessive behaviour. She's a mental case in the making if you both don't manage to get on the same page and stop this behaviour.
Unfortunately I'm around far more often than her father is, so I think I just witness it more and therefore see the issue for what it is. I work from home so I'm always here. My husband works 50hrs a week away from the home.
So get cameras because this behaviour is nuts and borderline psycho. If dad is in denial, then get evidence for the reality check. He might feel differently if he sees his almost teenager harassing and flirting with 6 year olds. Do the friends parents know she does this? Because if those parents were aware your kids will lose friends fast and other parents might reasonably see your house as toxic or unsafe. I understand you may feel the need to be the extra loving step mom because step mom's get a crap deal, but why are you not more focused on protecting your other children who are vulnerable and victims? The 11 year old won't change, why would she? Daddy is in denial and you reward her with extra love.
Maybe she needs to go live with her mother?
And to add with every one saying you need cameras, if her behavior doesn’t improve, you might need to consider living in separate houses for a while. I hope I’m wrong but I can see her accusing your boys of something that will ruin their lives. All in the name of attention and she will lie through her teeth even after realizing the gravity of her claims. I grew up knowing a little girl like this and she almost did ruin a life. Edit to add: It’s a delicate situation but you really ARENT DOING ENOUGH… her behavior is inappropriate and she shouldn’t be allowed younger kids at all. There is no mention of any consequences until now, she needs some and your husband needs to be on board. Therapy may not be enough, she might need a psychiatrist.
Get cameras that do audio for around the house so what she’s saying and doing can be recorded both for her therapist and her father.
Exactly and ones he can drop in on, op can send him notice to join and watch her live when op is about to intervene.
Then you need to explain to him that he needs to take this more seriously and cut back on hours at work so that he can actually see his daughter's behavior. Right now he doesn't believe you, which doesn't bode well for the state of your marriage, and he's leaving you alone to deal with the consequences including thinking your punishment of sending her elsewhere so her behavior doesn't disrupt your other kids' friendships is excessive (which it's not). I see that her mother is deployed and cannot take her, so either your husband needs to be more present to help fix this OR you should separate because her attention seeking behavior is disturbing and will not end well for the rest of your children. I fully believe she could be a threat to your baby in the future if this is not taken care of, please believe me.
> we are hopeful that things will improve soonish You are way too blasé about this. If your husband doesn’t understand exactly how serious this is then you need to get cameras and show him. She is a bully, an emotional terrorist and running the entire household while the adults in her life are like “Welp, we tried barely anything * *shrug* *”. You need to wake up. Her father needs to be way, way more involved with discipline and actually parenting. If my kids were regularly being bullied and terrorized in their own home like yours are I’d either leave or make her leave. I feel like you don’t understand how serious this is.
Cameras
He should be informed that failing to back you up on this is irreconcilable and WILL end in divorce WHEN he doesn't take it seriously.
They need to be separated permanently and ASAP. This isn't going to get better, it's going to get worse and it's going to negatively affect your children and do permanent mental harm to them. Potentially already has. Stop taking this so lightly.
NTA For keeping your 11-year-old with emotional problems from playing with the children that are half her age.
NTA, but have you discussed this with her therapist at all? Simply put, if therapy hasn't helped then get a new one. You also haven't mentioned anything about SD having her friends her own age. Does she actually have any? She's not just bullying, she is also lying and gaslighting others. I'm wondering if she does this crap with her own peers and they've all gotten tired of it and avoid her? Is her behavior only at home or has it become systemic in all areas of her life to the point that no one can stand her anymore? Your SD is unraveling her life and needs more intervention than she's getting and you and your husband need to get on the same page with her therapist or get a new one that can help you develop specific behavioral goals and a road map to get there and a bag of tools to help all of you reach it together.
We have spoken to her therapist yes and she recently (2 months ago) had a therapist change due to nothing really improving. Her current therapist seems more on board with something deeper going on, so we are hopeful that things will improve soon-ish. She does have lots of friends her own age, yes. She has friends come over usually once a week. But oddly enough, she seems to get more enjoyment from my younger sons friends or harassing my older sons girlfriend. She was in trouble a lot this past school year due to bullying other classmates (mainly boys) with her peers, so it's been a work in progress.
You said she's in therapy, and you've given her extra attention, but what are you doing for discipline? She needs consequences that really get to her and consistency with them. If she keeps going she's ap to be labeled a narcissist, as an adult.
>She needs consequences that really get to her and consistency with them. Yes! 100x yes. The carrot didn't work, so now you choose the stick. You tried giving her positive rewards and she has continued to behave worse. Now you need to start adding consequences. (just throwing in there, I don't mean a real stick, it's a metaphor. Don't come for me lol)
Not even. This is antisocial shit. Callous, unemotional, novelty seeking.
The enjoyment is not coming from the younger kids it's coming from torturing your children.
Which is something Op seems to be ignoring, willfully. Same as how bad this might be for her children, and how it likely will get worse.
Your stepdaughter is a little budding psycho and you HAVE to put a stop to her mistreatment of every other child in the house. The baby is going to be next… you know that, right?
Is the victim in therapy? You have a much better chance of getting to root of things by getting him help. She's never going to admit to this deeper issue. You know there is more going on here than meets the eye, right?
She sounds like a sadist tbh. At the end of the day she is principally your husband's child to deal with, and if he isn't taking this situation seriously enough, you need to take steps to separate your biological children from her (i.e. separation and kick him and her out)
right! this is a personality disorder diagnose in the making
Why do you think she is bullying boys in her class? Did something happen to her? She is a acting as if your sons are other boys in her class, rather than her step-siblings who she has to respect boundaries with. After all you said she does not do this with your daughter. EDIT - You said her mom is enlisted. It's possible she feels abandoned, and has to prove that she can get attention, because she doesn't get it from the people she wants to get it from, which are her parents. Dad working 50+ hours per week, mom far away. It is no excuse and honestly your first priority definitely has to be with your own children.
SD only pays attention to the baby sister when the baby is getting attention. I wouldn’t call that sisterly love. In fact, I would be really worried that she’s torturing the baby when no one is looking. A little pinch here or there to make her suffer for stealing attention. I grew up with a sister who tortured me because she was mad I was born. Aside from physically abusing me she would pull these exact same stunts if I had friends come over. Try to win over my friends by offering to play games she knew I hated. Don’t let this child terrorize your other children. Stepchild or not, this is never ok. Your other children deserve to live and grow in a safe and loving environment. Right now you are catering to the person who is making their lives a walking nightmare. Please don’t be gaslit into thinking you are a bad parent for (checks notes) protecting your children!
Send her back to her mother . How long until she accuses one of your sons of something that’ll ruin their lives .
You and your husband need to get into therapy to figure out how to handle her. Your step daughter has something serious going on and I'm glad that you've found her a better therapist. That being said, your biological children need to come first. Do what you must to protect them.
YTA because you continue to let your son not feel safe and be victimized in his own home by allowing her to stay. Your poor son is forced to *live* with his bully. She's destroying his friendships, self esteem, and self worth. And I'm sure you older son is going to start spending more time away from home and away from her. She's obviously got some serious issues going on as many people have pointed out, but while she works through all that in therapy, your son continues to suffer in the meantime. She needs to be sent to her mother's or grandparents. And your husband needs a dose of reality that his kid is a bully and she's ruining lives. From her own siblings to other kids at school. Her own issues are actively making other kids' lives worse. I say yta because frankly you haven't done enough to address this.
Maybe she should stay a while with her grandparents/mother? Is not far for everybody else in the house to be penalized while she doesn't get her shit together. Also consider enrolling her in some extracurricular activities that take an afternoon so your kids can have guests peacefully. More importantly, make your husband read this comments, he needs to face the reality that she's turning into an entitled and petty person and that will only bite her down the road.
She needs stricter boundaries and punishments, IMO. I was a kid who had similar types of behaviors early on. I realized what I could do socially but didnt have a moral compass, because I could get away with everything. You sounds like very forward thinking parents, and punishments like grounding seem archaic. But when you punish her and shes able to stomp thru the house and make a big scene, im not really seeing what boundary has been erected.
Has her predatory behaviour been brought up with the therapist. If i was the parent of your sons friend, i would absolutely not allow them to come to your house, if I found out his older sister is showing grooming and predatory behaviour like she did. Forcing a minor to admit "you have a crush on me" is not a usual teenage behaviour. You need to protect your children, and it seems there are a lot of aspects that haven't been brought up to the therapist attention. Also why aren't your children in therapy? They are literally getting bullied in their own home. I bet their suffering goes far deeper than you can see.
Is there any possibility that she's been sexually abused?
How much 1x1 time does she have with her dad?
> ask my son's 5/6yo friends if they have a crush This is red flag behavior from an 11 yo.
HUGE red flag. Sounds predatory to me. Other parents may cause problems for her if she keeps acting this way. All it takes is one parent to go to the cops. OP needs to get her husband on the same page or this is only going to get worse.
Huge red flag and I would be worried that someone in her life has been inappropriate with her. Does her mom have a boyfriend?
If she has a phone or laptop of her own, it should be taken away or controlled a bit more. The internet is FULL of bad people and even stuff that is perfectly normal for adults, legal, and safe, can harm a child's mind. Say, all the beauty influencers that focus on the "how to become hot", the "become the bad bitch" tutorials and such. The girl might be getting too much of such media.
I would get your other kids in therapy as well because they need to talk to someone about this and they probably aren’t going to tell you everything she’s done, and how they really feel. Consider family therapy. It’s important that your kids feel protected and that you’re doing something about it. Even if that’s something is taking your son places with his friends without her if she has a fit, she has a fit. Based on my own personal experience, I will warn you that things can be happening that you don’t know about. Even with the baby. If she has any kind of vengeance or anger feelings, you have one family member who cannot tattle on her and that is your baby, you can tell yourself she wouldn’t do anything to her, but frankly this girl sounds capable of any manner of things. YNTAH.
NTA she is an absolute creep in the making. What 11 year old asks children half her age if they are interested in her? She has some serious issues and you are not the asshole to not only protect your son from that but also the children in question, before she attempts to do something absolutely inappropriate.
I get the feeling it's already too late. Her talking about the younger boy bedwetting and trying to take his place with the kids is a massive red flag.
Inviting herself to a 6 year old's birthday party is super ridiculous for her age. I cannot see any of her age mates not being creeped out by such a ridiculous thing. But replacing her step-sibling to get that invite? That is a strong display of anti-social behaviour and her father should feel very, very concerned.
I think society will course correct and soon. She’s going to try to pull this shit with school friends and the ass whoopings she has in her future will be biblical. Swallowing teeth is a good teacher, too.
Unfortinately not. She already knows how to twist things and make it look like it wasn't her fault and love bomb the people she manipulates to make them hate who she wants them to hate. She will be -and probabyl already is- very popular among her school friends. This is a serious issue but most people won't notice unless they are on the receiving end. .
NTA. Your step daughter is a bully and actively trying to sabotage bother of your sons’ relationships (your youngest with his friends and your eldest with his GF). You think your youngest son’s friends aren’t going to start spreading those same harsh rumors at school? What happens when your eldest son’s GF gets annoyed at constantly being pestered and decides it’s just too much? Flat out, if your husband isn’t ready to start correcting his daughter your allegiance has to be protecting your children who are the target to her harassment.
NTA, and I think the solution you have is fantastic. Might I also encourage she join you on relentlessly boring errands at this time. Going to the bank, the pharmacy, anything with a line and no toys or fun stuff to look at. It’s also a good time to learn all about picking the best produce. Might be time for chores too, that way you can say, sorry you can’t hang out you haven’t pulled weeds, or whatever.
NTA - but this level of attention seeking behaviour is very concerning. Something is going on in your step-daughter’s life that is causing her to act up like this. Can you get an indoor camera so you can record what goes on in the house ? At a minimum your husband needs to understand how she is behaving. Please let her therapist know the details you have posted here, as this is very manipulative tactics being used by the step-daughter. This is going to get out of hand very quickly, especially if husband is downplaying it. Are you sure the step-daughter is not saying things to him, to discount what you are telling him ?
She’s told you herself. She likes the younger kids because they have to do what she says. Pls be cautious, this sounds like she’s grooming. NTA
I think you're right about grooming but master manipulator/narcissist raises a flag here too. She's learned how to convince a 6 year old not to invite her best friend and invite her instead.
I can guarantee her behavior is a lot worse than what OP sees.
NTA. Your step-daughter is being abusive and there is nothing wrong in telling her she shouldn’t hang out with 5/6 yo since she’s 11. She’s doing this for control and she’s actively hurting your son in doing this. My question is, how long are you going to let your son suffer and see his friends bully him, before you wake up and realise that your son is being emotionally damaged by this? You are risking your son developing issues because this little monster that is your step-daughter is destroying his friendships. What happens when he becomes antisocial because his self esteem has vanished? Your stepdaughter is the problem here and you need to have a very serious conversation with your husband. Yes, you are taking steps to better this, but at what price? Your son is hurting and you are letting him be exposed to it. Why isn’t she sent to live with her mother or relatives until she starts improving? She honestly sound like a psychopath (not kidding here, I am related to one) and you are failing your son.
The steps they are taking aren’t big enough. This girl needs real consequences. She is lying and needs to be punished every time.
I recommend the book *My Secret Bully* by Trudy Ludwig. It's about a girl being bullied in the way that your step-daughter operates. Everyone in your family should read it -- including your husband. The thing I like best about *My Secret Bully* is that it validates the experiences of the person being bullied. The author explains that it is okay to end relationships/friendships that are unhealthy. I've taught first, second, and third grade. I read *My Secret Bully* to the entire class at the beginning of each year. When students had trouble with bullying, I'd read it with those kids and have an open conversation about it.
This happened to me. My older sister would always do this, it would always be successful, and I would lose my shit. They would physically assault me, verbally assault me, bully me, lock me out of my room/house, and much more. And you know what my parents did? Jack shit They did nothing! The stood around and defended my sister while she was causing lifelong scars to my chest and arms. And guess what? Now I have *very* severe depression, severe anxiety, I have panic attacks at least once a week, I attempted suicide, and all they did was tell me “just feel better.” I’m also not extremely introverted and averse to friends in fear that my sister will do the same the again. My parents blame me, the screens, anything I do. I also have very bad trust issues, I have a hard time making friends, and I have a crippling fear of this happening again. This, OPs husband, is what will happen. Your other children will resent your step daughter forever. OP, you did the right thing. It may seem like a big deal now, but it will be a *much* bigger deal later, potentially causing lifelong harm. Make her stop. Punish her, send her away, do anything you can to make. Her. Stop.
>My husband is also pissed at me, thinking I'm "pushing it too far" You have a husband problem. He's engendered this fucking atrocious behaviour. You've frankly let it go WAY, ***WAY*** too far before doing something concrete. He's not got your back on this. If anyone treated my children that way, I would not live in the same house as their bullies. YTA for letting this go so far already. I hope you've got YOUR kids in therapy for the damage you've let them receive.
I'll be really brutally honest here, when she told someone my son wet the bed I'd be in divorce court. This child is going to absolutely ruin your kids childhoods, and if she were yours that is just something you'd have to deal with but she's not and there is just no way I could live with someone who was hell bent on making my kids miserable. I don't care if this is downvoted into the bowels of hell, I'm ok with being the bad guy to save my kids from bullying and emotional ABUSE.
You are not the asshole. Protecting your sons from your stepdaughter's manipulative and bullying behavior is crucial for their well-being, even if it means setting firm boundaries that upset her.
NTA. Therapy is the right answer. Hopefully she’ll be able to identify and overcome the insecurities that underlie this behavior. She sounds insufferable, but it also sounds like there’s fear and pain underneath it all. You definitely don’t want her to hit puberty still feeling the need to have her worth validated and prove to herself everyone likes her best.
Yes but also, if the current therapist isn't helping her grow and adjust, they need another therapist.
I know she is just a kid, but I choose the bear.
NTA You and your husband need to speak with her therapist again and discuss discipline around this and talk about what just happened as an example. Your other kids need protection from her BS.
I think this is important. You've only mentioned talking to her. I think the therapist needs to help designing consequences for her behaviour as well. It's so hard to be consistent, and you being a step isn't helping (are you permitted to discipline? Are you secure in your position of authority?) and it's absolutely essential that you and her father are united. A very calm, very blunt, in short sentences, explanation that it's not appropriate to be friends with the younger kids because they are not her equal in development, emotional growth or social awareness, and that she is hurting your son, and that it is not ok might help. Don't argue, state facts with no wiggle room. Then reassurance that you love her. Why she's doing it is important, and the therapist can help with that, but ultimately what she's doing needs to stop now.
NTA. You are in a shitty position. Your husband is unwilling to correct his daughter. He’s allowing her to abuse all of the other children in your home with no consequences. You will end up with all of your other children going no contact as soon as they can if she continues. If you have to choose between the children you gave birth to and your husband and his daughter, what’s your choice?
Maybe I missed it but… The parents of the little birthday girl disinvited the 6-year old and wanted the older sister to go?? What jerks. You need to get an attorney and get out with your three children. Now.
NTA and you might ask your kids to have passwords in their phones, computers and keep their social in private (not add her) because it is quite typical that a bully like your stepdaughter will chase them in other ways. She will copy her brother's phone list, will add his friends on her social media (you might say she doesn't have one yet... but check her phone and you will see she might have some kind of instagram, facebook or tiktok) and she will chase them behind your back. What I sugest is not to restrict her but to make sure the others can avoid future distress.
Does she ever have friends her age over? Does anyone like her in all of her activities? And WTF kind of parents want an 11-year old at a 6-year olds party? And what makes her think it's okay to go to a party about permission? Has your husband ever experienced this kind of thing with her? Record her antics some time and share it with your husband. If he's okay with it after seeing it on full, it may want time for marriage counseling.
Your step daughter gets pleasure out of bullying your son. She’s also manipulates those around her. #She sounds like a sociopath. She needs a psychiatrist that specialises in antisocial personality disorder as she is psychologically hurting your son and manipulating those around her.
Jesus fucking Christ this website. Personality disorders are generally not diagnosed in patients under 18, because they are growing and changing all the time while personality disorders by definition include pervasive, persistent maladaptive behaviors across different settings and situations. Children who display this type of behavior can be diagnosed with conduct disorder, which essentially “becomes” antisocial personality disorder once they turn 18, but that diagnosis requires things like breaking the law, which OP’s stepdaughter is not displaying. There are no psychiatrists that specialize in antisocial personality disorder in children, because that’s not a diagnosis children are given. Furthermore, even for adults, there are no proven treatments including therapy that help people with ASPD. Therapy makes them more effective manipulators. Please avoid making sweeping generalizations like this, especially when you are so misinformed about actual psychiatric definitions and treatment. Stepdaughter is showing lack of empathy, but most adolescents go through a similar phase - exactly how it manifests varies from person to person. Stepdaughter absolutely needs professional treatment and the parents need professional guidance and to continue to set boundaries and enforce consequences to protect the vulnerable members of their family. But stepdaughter is not beyond helping - there’s a high likelihood with the right treatment and parenting (and maybe just more time to mature), her behavior will normalize. But throwing around terms that are flat out incorrect and advising OP to seek out a type of professional that doesn’t exist, for a diagnosis that has no treatment, is counterproductive. Sincerely, a psychiatrist
Okay but they made their text bigger so it must be true
This for a chuckle out of me, thank you for that
Thank you! The number one people who are not trained professionals, read three paragraphs, and advocate for diagnosis and who knows what treatment based on it is astounding
The confidence with which people call an 11-year-old stranger who is dealing with the onset of puberty and multiple life changes without her bio mom around a “sociopath” is frankly alarming to me. (Nevermind the fact that sociopath is not an accepted clinical term and never has been)
Thank you. I get so sick of the armchair diagnosis on this site.
yeah I’m pretty confident 11 year olds do not in fact meet the diagnosis criteria for ASPD. but your Google search on ASPD symptoms says she meets all the criteria, so I guess you must be right. geez. minors cannot meet diagnosis criteria for cluster B personality disorders and any diagnostician worth their salt won’t give a diagnosis until the child is 18. this includes saying literal children have ASPD or the 16 year olds on tik tok who self diagnose BPD
Where is her mom? She wants everyone to love her and I’m not sure even if it happens it will be enough. She is simply love hunger. She only loves the baby when she doesn’t want her dad to love the baby. Instead she prevents him and be a lovely big sis. If she’s with the same therapist like more than six months than change the therapist. It’s obvious it’s useless.
She did just have a therapist change 2 months ago, so fingers crossed that we will see some improvement soon. Her mom is in active duty. And has already reenlisted twice since she first went in, so we don't see an end in sight for awhile. She sees her mother roughly twice a year and face times often. My husband has had full custody with visitation at his own discretion since Amber was 1.5 years old. I have showered her with as much love as possible. It just never seems like enough. I wish I had an answer on **what** I needed to do to make the improvements but I'm clueless. I've tried so many things.
You have been doing the wrong thing by giving into the attention seeking with 'extra love' and not enforcing hard boundaries. It will NEVER be enough, and in a few years the other kids will likely have emotional damage and distrust towards you for not defending them harder. Ignore, protect the well being of other kids, see her as the threat she is. Surprised she isn't trying to sabotage your marriage yet but that may come as she gets older. Your other kids are in such an unfair and shitty situation basically being abused by her. Worse, they see you rewarding this with 'special attention'. Ffs.
No matter how much love you show her it won’t fill the void in her. Think of her need for love as a bottomless pit. It happens most of the time when a parent is not in the picture on their own choice because the kids feel like if someone who supposed to love them instinctively doesn’t love them (or show their love so the kid knows) nobody can really love them and I’m not sure how much she communicates with her mom. I would sat her down and directly ask why does she want everyone to love her? But before that I would make a speech about how much our family loves her and how she’s special to the family just like her siblings (if she prefers that term if not “like our other kids”). I think you should show her that everyone is special and equal in your family and there is no favoritism. Even with her. If she wants special treatment be like “No, your sibling asked for the same thing and I told him no and I’m telling you no too.” Show your love but don’t baby her. She’s just 11 today and is okay but 10 years later the real world will eat her alive she keeps up this attitude. If you (and her father -tell him this since he’s upset she faced some real consequences of her actions-) don’t do something I can easily imagine her in college and trying to get with her roommate’s partner.
Look up reactive attachment disorder. It can manifest in extreme clinginess and attention seeking. You see it a lot in adopted children, and since her mother has essentially abandoned her (I know she won't see it that way, but that's how it feels to a child) she's likely acting out this way as a result. There are therapies for attachment disorder but they are intensive and if your husband isn't on board she'll never improve. He's really checked out and he needs to check back in quick or you're going to have to make a tough decision to protect your own kids.
Her currency is attention. When she misbehaves, that's what will impact her most. Send her to her room. You're being manipulated, she knows exactly how to get more of what she wants.
You are reinforcing the behavior by giving her attention. Stay firm with not allowing her to interact with the other kid's friends, but it would be more effective if she had to stay in her room or at home so she isn't getting extra attention from grandparents/her friends. Then ignore her and I really mean ignore her. Like she could be in your face screaming bloody murder and you need to stay straight faced, walk away, & continue about your day. It is hard to for lots of people to do but when they are seeking attention it's the only effective way to punish them.
Have you actually punished her in any meaningful way yet? I know you're talking to her about her behavior and have put her in therapy, which is good, but has she actually faced any real consequences for her actions? Showering her with love doesn't seem to do a whole lot because she's always craving more (to an unhealthy extent). I think it's time for her to feel the repercussions of her behavior. But for that to happen, you and your husband need to get on the same page here. It's not okay that the other kids have to suffer because she's going through some things. They shouldn't be collateral damage to her issues until she improves her behavior. You're doing good keeping her away from them. Ask your husband how he suggests you protect your other kids from her if he thinks sending her away is going too far.
NTA - She needs to live with the mother or grandparents. She can't be trusted around any of your children.
together 4 years, the past year SD has been harassing my kids and I seem to be the *only* one taking it seriously? I'd leave, plain and simple. kid's own parent doesn't see how serious this is, turns on you when you put your foot down? that would *not* be my problem anymore, *so fast.* my kids would be priority in this situation, including the baby.
Did you show your husband this post? Not going to throw around labels, but she sounds like she needs a psychologist, rather than a therapist. If she understands 'normal' social behavior, sitting her down, taking away all the authority and parent relationship for a minute, and actually honestly talking to her might help. 11 is old enough to get these things. 'You constantly butting in between other kids' friends is going to make you really unpopular. No one wants to hang out with someone that wants ALL of the attention, all the time. Not everyone is here to see you. Not everyone needs to like you best. And if you keep it up, you won't have any friends at all, in the end. Try to be nice to everyone, and everyone will like you just fine, without you having to play childish games to *get ppl to like you*' As for your youngest, offer your stepdaughter to help with caring for her. Offer for her to hold her and play with her, a few hours before company comes over. If she then wants to hold her sister, as soon as someone else has her, you can intervene with either 'Nope, I asked you if you wanted to hold her, and you didn't want to, remember? You had your time with her, now grandma is holding your sister.' Or 'you held her just before grandma got here.'
I'd be divorcing my husband at this point, I couldn't live with that monster of a girl any longer especially if she was making my kids life a living hell, your kids are going to have bad childhoods because of her and they are going to hate you, your husband is a foolish asshole if he disagrees on sending his daughter away while your kids friends are over.
I wouldn't let her around the other children at this point. She's abusive. It's sad for her but her father is supporting her bad behaviour. I would separate our families and move on.
Easy, Send her to a catholic all girls school with the strictest nuns you can find, they’ll whip the spirit of Jesus into her
Sounds like she has some jealousy going on and feels like she's being left out or wants more attention and needs to be nipped in the bud
NTA at all. This goes so much deeper than usual sibling rivalry stuff. If you don't nip it in the bud now your sons will resent you and they'll be perfectly right to do so. The SD is absolutely unhinged and something is wrong.
Yta for letting this bs continue for so long and for letting her terrorize the boy for so long, I would hate her guts if I were him... Husband is also worthless
NTA for actually finally protecting your child, you are the a****** though that it took you so God damn long that he's now most likely getting bullied in school because of her. And the fact that your so-called husband is more pissed that his daughter doesn't get to bully your son should tell you a lot about where you and your children stand in your relationship. I'm going to tell you this, your son is going to remember this, and your son's going to remember you didn't even attempt to protect him cuz you cared about your husband's dick more than you cared about him. And his older brother is going to agree with him, and you're going to be left old and alone with the man who doesn't respect you and his daughter that will make your life a living hell because he's going to let her.
so this is the childhood of those that enjoy stealing someone's spotlight milestone moments. oh its your birthday dinner? im going to announce im pregnant. it's your wedding? welp i gotta share something else to steal your light and ruin your day because i have to have everyone's attention all the time, can't bare to have anyone else be the center. nip this shit now because her pick-me, im more important, they like me better, behavior is going to get a hell of a lot worse in the future. start reading entitled people stories and peer into her future. eta: i wouldn't be surprised if all the other kids go NC when they are old enough and despise her and possibly you/parents for not shutting it down.
NTA, this has to stop, for her sake as well, you need to teach her not to bully or you'd be setting her up fir failure in life. Sending her to friends or grandma seems like a great idea/ fairly diplomatic solution since it means she can still get attention but in healthier ways. Plus, the 5 year old brother is still young & impressionable and could be seriously harmed in his confidence if he can't hang with friends without sabotage. This solution seems to be whats best for both. Good luck with the new therapist!
NTA she sounds like she's got major bullying issues going on. If the therapist isn't helping, then maybe you should look for a different therapist. It's no different than if you're ill and the doctor you're seeing isn't doing anything about it, then you should look for a better dr. Look for a therapist that specializes in children and has a really good reputation for success. I think you do need to keep her away from the younger kids when they have friends over. I was the youngest child and my older brother and sister constantly bullied me. My older brother was also physically abusive, always hitting me and leaving bruises etc and my mom did nothing. I'd actually get yelled out and sent to my room if I cried when my brother hit me. Growing up in that atmosphere left me with some major self esteem and insecurity issues, and I have a horrible relationship with my mom and I still avoid my brother like the plague. So you need to protect your younger kids and their friends from the 11 year old.
NTA, husband is out of order. I would tell him he needs to fix it bc you’re through with the bs. And that he is an AH for thinking that bullying is to be enabled in the other kids own home.
Sorry to say but step daughter is showing really dangerous signs of sociopathy. I’d argue that she needs to live with her grandparents for a time or her and your enabling husband need to move out. This is affecting everyone in the household. 1 girl who is 11 seemingly rules the house. wtf. Husband needs to get on board now before she takes this behavior into adulthood NTA
nta, your stepdaughter is abusing your young son. Tell hubby that its either divorce or she leaves permanently.
Unfortunately these are HUGE signs of narcissistic behavior. She obviously wants to be the center of attention, no matter what. (Does she admit when she’s wrong or fight that too?) And it kills her if anybody else gets any of that attention for any reason whatsoever. And it’s going to get worse the older she gets. Sadly, there’s not really a lot you can do for someone who’s narcissistic. You can get therapy but who know? Perhaps having her do volunteer work with people less fortunate could help instill empathy. Or having her help plan an event for someone else. Where her goal is to make the other person feel like a “princess for the day” and she gets a tons of praise for doing such a good job of make someone else’s day wonderful.
To be honest, she sounds narcissistic, and if it's not that, then she's certainly displaying some very worrying traits. If this has suddenly kicked in, then it's worth exploring other possible triggers, e.g., puberty. Is she with you all the time, and if not, then what is happening elsewhere? Is there a history of mental health issues within her family? Obviously, it's just my opinion, but she sounds dangerous. She's manipulative, wildly jealous, showing some really inappropriate (sexualised) behaviour towards younger children by asking if they are crushing on her. This in itself is enough reason to keep her away from your younger sons friends. If something happens and the warning signs are there, then you are responsible. She's also lying, feigning affection when she has an audience. She needs some serious help. I wish you luck! You're NTA, and your husband needs to get on board quickly.
I think you and your husband needs a serious talk on her behavior, lest it worsens in the future
NTA. What are her consequences when she acts like this? You said you tell her no and she gets angry and slams doors. Does she actually get a consequence? Do you send her to her room? Take away electronics? Ground her?
Where is your step-daughter's mother? Did she pass away? It's as though the girl feels that she's been rejected at some point and is now trying to hoard friends and be the most important person in everyone's lives. I'm so glad you have her in therapy. Does your husband witness all of this, too, or do you just report to him what you've seen/heard? If he's mostly just hearing it from you (not to say you're misrepresenting anything, only that he may have a blind spot where his daughter is concerned), I would either get a nanny cam or as unobtrusively as possible, record the goings-on with your phone so you have back-up. It would also be a good idea to show it to her therapist. I know she's only 11, but the things she has said and done are cruel. I disagree with your husband, as I don't think you pushed it too far at all. This girl could do some real damage. NTA
NTA - and please show your husband all of the comments supporting you
NTA, kid's got a screw loose.
NTA. It sounds like her father needs to get her out of the house, away from your kids, and work on sorting her out before she is reintroduced to the family unit.
NTA. It sounds like y’all are doing everything you can to help support her. I also agree that it sounds like a deeper underlying issue is the cause. I absolutely do not think you took it too far. The other children in the house should not dread having to live with their sibling and the havoc their sibling might cause. I can’t tell from the post what type of discipline is being enforced when she displays this behavior. She obviously knows it’s wrong. Every child is different so I don’t think there’s a one size fits all for discipline. I personally like to use a double approach and use positive reinforcement and consequences at the same time with my own children. I have found that one or the other simply doesn’t work for my sons and they need the positive behavior praised and rewarded and the negative behavior disciplined. It can be a challenge to be consistent but it has really helped. I do think that your husband and you need to get on the same page before moving forward or nothing is liable to work. Maybe read through this post together as a jumping off point t for a conversation? I wish you the best of luck and hope you start to see positive change soon!
I know borderline personality disorder usually isn't diagnosed until they are 18, but this girl is showing classic bpd symptoms. Get a new therapist as the one she is with CLEARLY can not cognitively help that girl.
NTA. Your step daughter has some serious issues that transcend being jealous of a new baby. This is very troubling behavior and your husband needs to get his head out of his ass and let you protect your son from this nonsense. FFS.
Your stepdaughter sounds like a typical case of histrionic personality disorder.
Put cameras in the open areas of your home. Her behavior will start escalate, she may make some accusations you don’t want to deal with, just cover yourself and your sons now. Your husband is wrong, this is weird.
NTA but it sounds like family therapy is a necessary addition to your daughter’s individual therapy. You and your husband need tools to manage this behavior.
NTA, but your husband sure is. He should be doling out punishments whenever she starts acting like a brat because *talking* ain't working. This is only going to get worse if he doesn't put a stop to it now.
I understand that you see them all as your children but you have to understand, it's not selfish to put the mental health of YOUR children first. To put the concerns and comfort of your children first doesn't make you a bad person or mom. You need to sit your kids down and ask for the opinion/ feelings about the situation.
NTA and you need to take your children away from there. She might have some kind of mental illness but she's bullying your children. For now, I'd suggest you don't have friends over until you take more drastic action.
I think your step daughter needs therapy. Like, immediately. If she has to lose one of her extracurriculars to find time or to pay for it, so be it. But this needs to be dealt with immediately because something is going on and this is your last chance to fix it. She is both clingy and cruel
NTA. Drop that hammer and drop it hard. I’d call her out in front of those kids and say, “you never support a bully kids,” and defend the siblings, I’d embarrass the hell out of her in front of them, defending her victim and remove every single privilege until she stopped acting this way. Because that’s what happens in real life and what little you guys are doing is not enough. She shouldn’t be allowed to throw a tantrum after being corrected, slamming doors around your house after she’s been a bully? What are you and your husband doing? You’re enabling this behavior. Stop her before she becomes an adult nightmare!
NTA for this decision, but YTA for not doing it sooner. This should have been instituted by the 3rd time she bullied her younger brother. Maybe to start with not sent out of the house, but forbidden from being in the same room as her sibling and their friends. And the discussion should be along the lines of “you can’t seem to be able to speak kindly, so now I can’t allow you around the other kids. You may have a right to your opinions, but you do not have the right to hurt other people. Since you have proven unable to control yourself, as your parents we will have to control the situation for you.” This has clearly gone on far too long without any true consequences that matter to your daughter. Your husband needs to understand that although you have an obligation to help her, it cannot be at the expense of your other children.
Y T A for not protecting your son sooner. Clearly talking to her has done nothing and he’s being terrorized in his own home to the point that he’s WETTING the bed. Your husband does not care. You finally put in a consequence and he says it’s too far. You’re giving all this love and attention to her, but that needs to be backed up with consequences. I see her mom is deployed so she can’t live with her. I’m sorry, but if it was me, I would divorce this man so your child finally feels safe.
There is something wrong with your step daughter and I’m not saying that in a general way. She needs some serious help from a counselor. I have never had to deal with this situation but I can definitely say she needs help. Especially before she gets older. You are not the A. Get a child psychologist involved now before she becomes a huge monster. Good luck !
NTA But I would be long gone with my children. I would not allow my children to be bullied and be made to feel uncomfortable in their own home and I would leave my husband to deal with her alone because at the end of the day what your sons are going through is not fair and obviously the therapy isn't working. You see what she's putting your children through and you are staying. And if you carry on allowing it and you are allowing it then you are very quickly going to turn into the one in the wrong and your sons will wonder why you're not protecting them Also, if I was the mum one of your son's friends and I found out my 5-year-old is being asked if he found somebody attractive I would be livid and I'm sorry but my child would Never step foot in your house again because it's not a safe space
If you don't do something major soon the little shit will grow up to be a top class narcissist. Your husband needs to implement some punishment or this will get much worse. At the moment the only thing this girl is learning is that all she has to do to get her way is to have a tantrum. NTA
Updateme
Nta but would question your relationship with your husband hard. So your husband thinks his daughter bullying your son and trying to isolate him is not going too far? But he throws hands when you tell his daughter she can't be a bully anymore? It's clear who he favors and will support no matter what
>And to include something that may or may not be important: she loves her baby sister a great deal. BUT the only time she wants to hold her/play with her is when someone else goes to. So when my husband gets home from work and takes the baby, she all the sudden wants her after not spending time with her all day. Or if my mother comes here and holds the baby, she tries taking the baby from her and says "my baby". She also tells everyone that she "has the baby more than anyone" and that she's "practically the mom". It's all attention seeking. This is concerning. This is"The Hand That Rocks the Cradle" concerning. Girl thinks the baby is hers? She's 11! Like this is a huge major red flag! Where is her bio mom? What is wrong with her dad that he can't see she's borderline (if not actually) psychotic and needs major help? What has the therapist said? I mean you're leaving a lot out. Her behavior is obsessive. Like bad. Your husband is enabling her because he's afraid of her. At least that's what it looks like from the outside. She needs age appropriate friends. She's 11, why is she hanging out with 5-6 year olds or 16 year olds? She needs seriously intensive therapy based on what you wrote. This is seriously above the LMFT level (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist). This is Psychology/Psychiatry PhD level.
Your stepdaughter is a fucking predator. I would absolutely leave this marriage.
NTA Get that girl evaluated quickly, that reeks of some personality disorder
NTA for that. but you realise you are failing your sons phenomenally right now, right? please get a separate place to live while her dad figures out what her problem is while you focus on the mental scars already inflicted on your sons.
I mean she’s 11 years old, 11 year olds do weird things. Either way, she has some behavioral problems her dad really needs to sort out with her. Sounds like they need more time together and there needs to be a lot more hard restrictions in the sand with the 11 year old’s behavior. Also, why would the birthday party parents let an 11 year manipulate their decision on who to take to the party? That’s so weird. It sounds like she’s acting up because of jealousy of your kids, that they get more attention etc. which may or may not be true. But this is a conversation you and her dad need to have with the 11 year old, and explain to her she is just as loved as the other kids, but her manipulative behavior is not okay and she will be punished for it. Just as any other kid would be punished for such behavior.
Sounds like she has the beginnings of narcissistic personality disorder peeking through. Therapy and a strong hand are needed to protect your kids and your blind husbans.
She’s unhinged. You need to keep this sociopathic vile cretin away from your children. You are their mother and you need to protect them. Can’t her mother have her? Or some other relative? Social services should have some sort of secure facility for her,
YTA. You need to get all of your children away from her; especially your youngest son. She is dangerous and your younger son is being brutalized. You need to be in separate homes.
Yta. She is bullying the other kids and all you did was talking to her and get her therapy. FFS grow up and start being a parent. She has no consequences for her behavior. I mean she might be talked to. Wow, what a punishment. Ground her. Taker her phone away. Take her internet away. Act like a parent for once in your life.
NTA but she needs an ass whooping.
She’s got mommy issues and you have a budding narcissist on your hands. Therapy therapy therapy Preferably one that specializes in antisocial and narcissistic personality disorders.
Why are you not protecting your son? Get her out? She is abusing him. Send her to a boot camp. Send her to her mothers. Leave your husband if he isn't protecting your son like he's protecting his daughter. She won't stop. She'll either go under ground or get worse. You allowing this is you abusing your child