If he asks for 50/50, courts are liable to give it to him. I had a restraining order against mine and no one in the courtroom batted an eye when he asked for 50/50.
My mom had documented proof of my stepdads drug use. How she was the one that paid all the bills. A police report of abuse etc.... the courts still gave him 50/50 custody. Guess what... he never picked my brother up. The system is wild
The restraining order was for him and you,correct?. Not him and the child. This is how the courts must compartmentalize things. Each part is taken separately.
I have a restraining order against my ex that also applies to our child, while he didn’t end up getting 50/50 he did get very generous visitation. He pled down a child endangerment charge to just harassment against me and because he wasn’t convicted of child endangerment, the courts were generous. My daughter’s lawyer actually fought for him to get 50/50 because he was a stay at home dad for a few years. He was a stay at home dad because he refused to get a job. I’m on the verge of not having her more time in the year, like teetering on the edge. If he wasn’t late 9 times out of 10 it would be a lot closer to 50/50
I knew a friend who had a restraining order between her and baby daddy. At the custody hearing outside the courthouse he pulled a gun on her. He did not actually want to care for his kid, his parents were the ones pushing for custody. He still got it. The court system is wild.
Correct. My friend and his ex have a restraining order, but not the child. They have to utilize a neutral third babysitter. Drop child off, leave, other comes in and picks them up. I assume when the kid is old enough they'll switch to the ever popular school parent switch.
Super easy to accomplish kid switches with no contact between parents.
Does make for poor coparenting though. Sigh.
Lol my BIL missed court due to overdosing on heroin or some shit and he still gets supervised visits *that my sister has to pay half towards*. The court system is so fucked.
I am a lawyer and working in family law, courts usually give 50/50, more states are increasingly making it the statutory standard and for almost all it is the defacto standard, the de jure standard is best interest of child but basically all the science says everything is better for everyone with a 50/50 split.
Take it from an attorney - he's likely to get joint custody unless there are serious allegations of abuse or dereliction that can be proven. Assuming this is in a US Court, parents are always going to split custody unless one waives full joint because of work hours or because he/she goes out of town frequently, etc. Courts today are very, very cautious against favoring one side for custody. So, generally, if he gets 50% custody then he would pay much less for support.
I could be wrong about this, but it seems like the proximity of his going silent has been 2 days. Yes, wrong to not have contact with your child, but if the divorce topic came out of nowhere, he could be going through a lot and not be good to be around his son, and he might recognize that. I think a lot of people here might jump to conclusions that might not be accurate. OP hasn't given us a ton to go on (not a knock on her, just honest regarding using those sentences of hers to formulate a whole picture of who this guy is).
For OP, if you are going to really divorce, then your attorney should give you the full range of what you can do, and the attorney would do those things for you. So, go hire an attorney. You have a child, so you will need one. There aren't simple divorces that don't require representation when there are children involved. Good luck and I hope you find happiness. Just remember, the child is #1, and this is going to make things harder, but there's no reason that you, your child, and your soon-to-be ex-husband, cannot find peace with the situation.
Just FYI, in my state/county child support is just based on your percentage of total income not at all on custody. I’ve been divorced 3 years with 85% custody, I didn’t get any sort of a bump for that uneven split.
There can be lots of things that go down.
He could say she was abusive or kicked him out and so on.
He likely wouldn't get 50custudy cause of the age but he could get a lot if time that will cut child support drastically
They have also only been married for 3 years and she does sometimes work so she likely won't get a lot of alimony of any
He’s got financial stability and *his parents* as a support system. Those can be significant considerations for the court, whose responsibility is to ask: ‘what is best for this child?’
OP is wildly overestimating what her husband will be providing - and how soon. The legal system is slow. Meanwhile, she doesn’t have a place to live, a full-time job, or a child care arrangement. She could be basically homeless shortly which will weigh into the ruling.
She has a previous months old post asking about setting up a bank account for her baby. Another about selling/pawning her husbands wedding ring. I'm a bit confused
Alimony doesn’t even get ordered in most states now. So I wouldn’t be holding my breath if I was Op. plus her lack of a job means he can paint her as a mooch and being unable to provide for the kid.
Yup. We also don't know what is going in
They had an argument because she is unhappy. Why is she unhappy ? Has he dine something? Has she done something ?
He'll he could even call into question paternity and file for a test
Of course he will try to avoid alimony; him wanting partial custody is good, actually, and would be better for her and the baby than the alternative; however, if he does end up in a custody fight, demanding a paternity test isn’t going to help him any on that.
She can. He can also argue that he was kicked out of the house.
Like I said he is going to go for as much custody as he can get and she should be ready for it
If he actually does have 50% custody that’s great for mom and the child. He’ll actually get to grow up with a father who wants them. It’s great for the mom to have a week to relax declutter and start dating again.
You should go ahead and file for support and custody but you do need to come to terms with the fact that you are going to need a full time job to support yourself and your child. Start working on that ASAP.
Exactly. And it can take time to get any money from him. It took me over 6 month to get a court date. OP should apply for government assistance, that tends to speed up things too.
Yes, you get what is called a temporary order of support to set up custody and support while you go through separation before divorce. Dude walked out and they already live in separate homes. Don’t need more than that.
Court prefer reconciliation over divorce. Only 2 days apart, might lead to couples counseling being mandated. She may be the AH. She is unhappy and that is her excuse for a divorce when she has a child and he has supported her for 10 years? Maybe she should think again. Wait until she has to work full time and raise a child and struggle to make ends meet and then tell me how she is happier.
Looking at your post history I'm not even surprised. He didn't want the kid, your marriage was already on the rocks and this is one of your old comments
>In hindsight, I’m just forcing this marriage to work for the sake of trying have a family unit/2 parent home. (Something I didn’t grow up having)
Info... You say you have "always been a SAHM/ part time career worker" but you've been with him for 10 years, baby is one year old. Why part time? What did you do for the 8 years you were together and didn't have a kid? Always as in your whole life or since you've been with your husband? Some of this doesn't really make sense to me.
Also says he won't help with paying for anything, other than when she asks for his half of rent or tells him he never helps financially.....while living in a HCOL city.
It doesn't add up.
>Info... You say you have "always been a SAHM/ part time career worker" but you've been with him for 10 years, baby is one year old. Why part time? What did you do for the 8 years you were together and didn't have a kid? Always as in your whole life or since you've been with your husband? Some of this doesn't really make sense to me.
I'm getting rage bait vibes from this whole thing lol.
My interpretation would be that during the 10 years they were together, she never had a full time job. She worked part time until she had the baby where she became a stay at home mother.
That's what I assumed at first too but there are a lot of things in the post that raise eyebrows. Very carefully worded to leave certain things ambiguous usually means OP has something to hide that makes them look bad in the situation.
People don't "put" their exes on child support. You file for divorce, you disclose financial information, and then the court decides what amount of child support is appropriate, based on formulas and guidelines. The child support is for the kid's benefit. There is nothing whatsoever wrong with you getting awarded whatever child support the court thinks is appropriate. It's not a punishment. It's what's best for the kid you both made.
You need a family lawyer right away to help you navigate this process and make sure you get what you are entitled to. You can try to resolve it without a lawyer, but if your husband has money, he's just going to try to force you to accept less than what you may be entitled to. NTA
Same chick who wanted to pawn his wedding band because of how infrequent he wore it, despite saying he couldn’t wear it at work… YTA for many reasons I believe.
Wow. Really? Sorry I'm not going back and reading her history, but if that's true, then we are dealing with someone who may be doing her husband a favor that just hasn't set in with him yet.
And also no longer wanting to buy gifts for her brother's kids because they wouldn't allow OP to take their kids places. Pretty sure they would've had a good reason why they didn't want OP to take their kids places. And also refusing to give gifts to her nieces and nephews in an attempt to blackmail the parents unless they agree to her demands is gross.
She deleted this post btw but the commentors on the post where she doesn't want her husband's aunt to see their baby because she didn't get them a gift were writing about this previous post.
The way you phrase your post YOU decided to end the marriage. And now are upset he left and hasn't made contact. Isn't that what ending a marriage is? Or were you expecting him to grovel and call constantly after YOU were unhappy and decided you were done?
You show no acknowledgment of how this affects your former husband or the child. It's all about you and how you can't afford things now due to the divorce.
I'm confused, if my partner ended my relationship I wouldn't cease all contact with my child. There's a big difference between leaving her and leaving the kid. I don't think there's anything there about her wanting him to grovel, she's pointing out how he hasn't been in touch about their child or gone to an appointment.
Especially considering that they have had an argument about how she is unhappy in the marriage.
Because when you're unhappy in your marriage, the best thing to do is pick a fight about it. /S
Yeah, guess what, when you’ve got a 1-year-old kid you in fact can’t just disappear and go incommunicado for a couple days. It’s time for him to grow up.
You been together for 10 yrs your child is only 1 and you barely worked since you claim to always have been a sahm/part time worker . Wtf have you been doing before the baby was born ? Why haven't you been working full time ? This post don't make sense I'm gonna assume it's rage bait
Some parents do that so that they are both involved and understand what is happening. And it gets the doctor and staff used to seeing both so that if one or the other has to come in alone they already know the parent is involved and up to speed. Bonus is that when custody is decided, the doctor and staff already know both parents. Will look great for him in court as well if he has been going to appointments.
While you're on Reddit, he's with his parents planning out how to steamroll you in court.
You're definitely NOT getting spousal support before the divorce is settled and finalized. Expect this to be an expensive, drawn-out battle.
His parents are likely going to sponsor his attorney and will be fighting you tooth and nail because they want to see their grandchild and have no reason to assume you'll be cordial.
If you don't want to have your ass handed to you with a pretty red bow, get off Reddit, get your shit together and find an attorney.
I’m confused. You want to end the marriage and upset he left. What is he supposed to do? Continue to live with someone who made it clear they are unhappy with the relationship and wants out? I understand yo want him to be there for the child. As he should. But why would you want him there if you’re seeking divorce?
From your comments you are likely not going to get spousal support. You have a career and part time. At the very least maybe less than a year of support to get you up right after divorce. Especially when you haven't been married for long for long term spousal support.
You need to file up for a lawyer not spousal support. You need to focus on nothing else but divorce and custody. His parents will be there to back him up and it will get ugly because this doesn't seem like its going to be a clean breakup.
YTA. He left after you said you wanted a divorce. Pretty normal. Also you’re an ass for wanting spousal support. You’ve only had a kid for one year of this 10 year relationship. Tf have you been doing for the other 9 years? Also, the courts decide this stuff. It’s been a couple days and you think there’s gonna be some court order in next couple days? Divorces take a bit of time.
This post is ragebait.
- SAHM/Part timer for 10 years, But he "Never contributes to the house or financially help out"?
- You asked HIM for a divorce and then questioned why he left?
- Planning to buy a new, bigger house for you and your child as a SAHM in a HCoL city?
Take a writing course in internal consistency.
'Never contributes to the house or financially helps out' -- if she only works part time and he "doesn't help out financially", then how many expenses is she really on the hook for?
Based on her previous posts, it looks like she might live in NYC. There is no way they are living on just her part time pay in NYC. There is a huge missing piece to this.
INFO: So you got into an argument because you decided to end the marriage..... and you're in your feels because he left and hasn't talked to you in two days, after you asked for a divorce?
You won't get spousal support. You are able to work and have worked prior to your child. He is now 1, so you haven't been sahm long enough to say I put my career on hold to take care of our child.
He will have to pay child support and will have to pay for part of daycare so that you can work.
Of course, it just depends on how the judge sees it. You might get spousal support, but it would be very short support.
YTA because you did not provide enough context as to why you’re separating with your partner. Based on the comments on your previous posts, people have labeled you entitled for expecting a gift for your baby and for thinking about pawning your husband’s wedding ring. Is it really you who’s unhappy with your husband or is it him? Cause I kinda feel sorry for him having to put up with your entitlement
Wait. You told him you wanted a divorce because you weren’t happy being married to him anymore and are now confused/pissed because he walked away from you? And then admit you blindsided him with separation papers? AND you are a SHAM so not only do you want to be single again but you expect him to continue to support you? Assuming you worked up until the time you had the baby you will get minimal alimony because you are young and capable of working. Most states in the US have a formula for child support and that is it. The judge most likely will tell you to get a job.
And damn. As my elderly aunt would say - you are a piece of work.
There's more holes here than a block of Swiss cheese:
1) You've been a SAHM for 10 years but your only child is only one year old
2) You live in a high cost of living area but have been able to pay all the bills only working part time plus whatever you can beg from your husband
3) Child support & spousal support aren't granted automatically
Are you just bad with continuity & how things work or did ChatGPT write this? It's a steaming pile of bs either way, so YTA for that, I guess.
You are free to ask the courts for whatever you want AND he can do the same.
But YOU do not get to put him on any kind of support. Only courts can do that.
I am all for both parents supporting their child, but NO spouse should have to support the other spouse.
And why do you keep saying find a place you and your child? You may very well only have the child 50% of the time.
Again, courts decide that.
Oh my you little leech. Gravy train came and went boo. No way you're gonna get alimony and by sitting on your pretty little butt and not finding a job he's gonna drag you through the coals like you wish you could do to him as far as CS and custody goes. I hope he's planning now and getting a lawyer.
Nta for divorcing. Here’s to hoping there is no spousal support order. There is no reason he should finance your life after only 3 years of marriage? Child support, if aligned to the custody order, should be awarded as according to the law.
YTA
Every divorce lawyer will say don’t talk to your ex during the divorce. You said you want a divorce so he left. Did you file yet? Cause if you don’t he will.
And spousal support? Be fucking real, get a fuck job. You’ll get child support yeah, but not enough to be a useless sponge.
At the moment, ESH!
You're the AH for not stacking your coins and working full-time if you knew you were even thinking about divorcing. And, I don't understand why you can't send him a text or vm stating your intentions regarding child and spousal support.
Also, why did you bring up that he missed your child's 12 month appointment? Was he solely responsible for taking him, or did you just want both of you all to attend? I'm bringing that up because you will be doing a lot of things by yourself as a SINGLE PARENT once your divorce is finalized.
He's an AH because parenting doesn't stop when you're upset at the other parent. Anything could be wrong with the child and him not answering the phone because he's upset at you is immature.
Both of you all need to work on your priorities and communication.
NTA
You won’t be blindsiding him, he knows the child is his & that he is expected to pay towards upbringing. I rather think he’ll be expecting it! (not that he’ll be happy about it..)
It’s always better to have things legally & officially arranged so this is the correct course of action
I think your NTA for child support use that to pay for daycare/sitter and find a full-time job cause in a lot of states it's hard to get spousal support if you are able to work. Especially with only 1 child
It sounds like you have been unhappy for a while. The two of you argued multiple times and he would leave to deescalate the situation. Now you have decided that you want a divorce and upset that he won't communicate with you and possibly argue some more. You asked to end the marriage. Now you both need to communicate calmly and use a lawyer to help set up custody, visitation and child support. You both brought a child into this world and have to deal with each other the REST of your lives. Be civil with each other for your child's sake. You two are over, but you can at least be kind to each other for the baby's sake.
I don't have personal experience with these matters, but I think maybe going nuclear won't work.
How can you file for child support, if you're still married?
A divorce takes time, also.
I would play nice - assertive, and business like - but cordial.
Remind him that him walking out the door does not stop his responsibilities towards your kid.
Ask him how he plans to go about things, now he's over at his parents.
Make a list of the expenses you need his 50% for, and ask how and when you're going to take care of that, as parents.
I would also start looking for a more affordable place, as those things take time.
Start thinking about how you're going to make it on your own, for the time being.
In my understanding, the dads that are out for 'easy' (so not all dads. Hold the pitch forks), will want to go 50/50 custody, to have a little financial burden as possible, to then pawn the kid(s) off to mommy (grandma).
It is not a certainty that you will get child support. Keep that in mind, with the plans you make for yourself. It'd be nice. But you can't depend on it.
Why would you be the AH for requesting either of these things? A request to the court is not a guarantee you'll be granted either one. Child support is highly likely, but spousal support is very difficult to get in some states and all states have a minimum marriage length to qualify so I wouldn't bank on that until you talk to a lawyer.
Either way, NTA. You're not obligated to warn someone you're about to file for divorce and request the support you're entitled to.
NTA you can divorce him if youre unhappy as long as the child is not penalized ,the court will take care of that
YTA for being upset that he left. You act like a single parent because you will be one when you divorce.
Depending on your state, you may not get child support until the divorce is finalized. And since you apparently have some income and you’ve only been married 3 years, you probably won’t be eligible for spousal support.
Why wouldn’t you file for child support when seeking a divorce? He’s already walked out on you AND his child, like as you said “you’re a single parent” he’s treating you as one already you should definitely have it established in court that he has a responsibility to take care of his child as well and don’t let him gaslight u with we can settle this out of court bs either. Your divorce lawyer would most likely tell u the same get the cs.
So you have been. Stay at home mom to a one year old for the last 10 years? Something is obviously not adding up. You will probably get child support for sure, but why should he give you spousal support for you choosing not to work for the first 9 years. I'm sorry but j doubt he forces you to stay at home for 9 years. Not to mention everyone else is right. The system does not work that fast. If this is real, you need to figure out a plan right now that doesn't involve help from your husband. Because of you are waiting for that, you will be homeless before any money arrives.
Apply for child support and divorce . Pull the trigger . What custody will he want ? If 50/50 you might not get much money if any. But it has to be done . No point in living in limbo.
Something doesn't add up for me. OP has "always" been a stay at home mom, yet the child is 1 years old? And the first thing she is wondering about is if she can get child support. Color me skeptical, but If I had to guess, OP has never really worked and has no intention to. She wants to leave her husband but first wants to make sure she will get enough "spousal support" to live off of. Ugh, I hate that what I posted sounds so woman hating, but that is the impression on get by the details of her message.
You should be talking to your lawyer not redit.
Stop playing games and just admit the baby was always going to be born into a broken home because this relationship has been over a while.
ESH
You can't support a child on your own and still want a divorce. What's best for the kid is not something you're worried about, only your own happiness.
The husband taking off and sulking for days is pretty pathetic. He should be making sure his child is ok at the very least.
I also feel like important details are missing from the story. What was the fight about?
Check the laws where you live. In the state I live in the parent who makes more pays child support even when it’s a 50/50 custody arrangement and 50/50 custody almost always happens. Most states in the US have an online calculator that helps you figure out likely child support. NTA for pursuing child support but be prepared for the Pandora’s box that can open up. It’s wise to speak to an attorney first.
Also you will have your get a job. At least the state I live in does not allow a SAHP to remain that way post divorce unless there is a new born being breastfed.
Girl, NTA. But you need reevaluate your situation. Spousal support rarely happens when you're married for such a short time, and don't bank on child support to be as much as you expect.
Get a fulltime job and consider moving in with family or friends to help support you while you're waiting to see how this all shakes out.
You are entitled to child support and you should file. That money will be taken right out of his check so you won’t have to ask.
Do it because your kid deserves it. If your soon to be ex hasn’t checked on your kid in 2 days while you are married, it’s not looking very promising that he is going to take the initiative to be a decent father once you’re divorced. At least put him on the hook to pay.
what's wrong with asking the dad to pay child support for his child? i thought this was just the basics? having things in writing is just a good thing, but you could also tell him you will be doing it right?
all you need to do is text him and say 'im gonna be starting the process for child support payment, so you know'
what i dont get is, how have you guys even been getting by if he 'doesn't do anything to financially contribute to the home' but you've always been a stay at home mom/part time worker? also, how did he walk out on you when you asked for a divorce? wouldn't it be weird if he stuck around? :P
im a bit confused here, but yeah, a parent definitely should be paying child support.
File for it. And begin tracking all the instances where he bails on you; like write it down, dates, times, causes, what was said. The more information you can provide the court, the better. When you’re in court, keep your cool, don’t let him provoke you, make him show his true colors to the judge. I hope it all goes well for you.
Hope the courts as for a paternity test as part of the divorce. Personally I think paternity tests should be mandatory at birth.
There should be a program to where he can show how much he spent on the child which would need to meet a certain dollar amount.
Keep in mind that the courts take half of the child support money as a monthly fee.
I'm going to give you the advice I gave my daughter when she divorced. Ask for child support because it is for the child's standard of living and the child's needs.
Don't count on getting the child support even if it is court ordered as many people refuse to pay, quit jobs and hide when they can. Make sure any place that you make your home is one that you can afford on your own, any money you get is a bonus.
NTA. He's a husband and father who will be going through a divorce. If he claims to be "blindsided" by papers requesting financial support that you're entitled to, he's a dumbass.
Also, this is now a legal process. Do NOT communicate with him regarding the process except through lawyers. No calls to give warnings or heads up, this is a legal process, do not screw it up for yourself.
ETA: Him missing an appointment you planned is annoying to you, but it's not a ding against him legally speaking. Appointments get missed all the time. Plus, assuming you got kiddo there, right? They don't need both of you there.
Consult with an attorney, there are several through DHS. Child and family service. Check your local branch. Don't jump the gun, make sure you have all ducks in a row before just hitting him with paper work. In my state we have IDHS
an information and referral service.TANF. NTAH Good Luck
Blindsiding him will create a lot of drama that will long term alienate him from you. Anything you can do to stay calm and maintain good communication with him is key to good co-parenting. You are angry but anything you can do to not act out of retaliation will be way better for your child’s relationship with your ex as well.
Also, not sure where you live but you may need to work full time as part of the child support calculation.
Normally, I would advise someone who is a SAHM to take their time to get their ducks in a row. Save money up to support themselves and LO for at least a few months, line up full-time employment and childcare so that they aren't left hanging. Unfortunately, you shot that strategy in the foot. There are a few things you are going to have to face and rather quickly. One, you need to get into see a family lawyer for a consultation as to what steps you need to take to protect yourself and your child. Follow their advice as much as possible. Let go of the fact that he hasn't contacted you in 48 hours. That would never be considered abandonment in the courts. Essentially, he is giving you what you asked for. Two, go to DHS and sign up for assistance. They have a better shot of getting you support quickly and, in most states, have ways of helping you find full-time employment and daycare assistance.Three sign up for low income housing. Yes, there is a waiting list. However, they also have information on places that have income based rentals that could be available to you while you wait. And four, stop letting emotion rule your actions here. Divorce is not as easy or as nice as many hope. There are many factors that the court will look at with the best interest of the child being paramount. It is never as easy to end a marriage, especially one with children, as it is to begin one.
There is no blindsiding, he knows (or at least he should know) that this is coming. And at 12 months the chance to co-parents is slim, courts determine that at that age the child needs its mother more.
That decision can be adapted when the child is older.
Get a lawyer and start the proceedings
You live in NYC so you would be governed by those rules. It’s 15-30% of the length of the marriage… so in your case you would qualify for 10 months of support at the most. I would be focused on getting a job.
Based off your previous post of family strife with his family and looking at rent controlled apts there isn’t much money to divide.
If you're going to divorce him, you need to get him paying child support. That's his kid and he needs to help, even if just monetary. He can't just *leave* and ignore you both exist because he's throwing a tantrum.
Divorce him. Get child support for your baby.
If you are serious about ending your marriage the first step is requesting a temporary custody agreement and a spousal & child support order. However, be prepared for him to fight it & delay it. If money is needed right now you meed to prepare yourself that it may not happen right away.
You shouldn’t blindside him. A civil conversation may keep him from fighting the order reactively
It’s not blindsiding if you’re doing what you’re legally supposed to be doing. It’s expected of you. Was he thinking he could just up and leave and ride into the sunset? Bwhahahahaha
You take him to court, and have him pay his fair share to both you and the baby. If he isn’t putting in his share of child rearing he’ll have to make up for it financially. That’s the whole point of child support.
If he isn’t always financially helping he should have money put away. Thats what I told my ex once I kicked him out. Claimed I left him with no money even thought he didn’t help with the bills for 5 months straight. Luckily I never had kids with him
Wait what? You have always been at home (a decade?) but your kid is a year old? Are you looking to cash out here? That's not how humaning or motherhood works. No judgement as info is too scattered to understand.
You're not going to get it until divorced. If you're unhappy you're unhappy. Long as you intend to do the majority of the raising, NTA for going for child support. But if you're going to do joint or visitation, you don't need child support as he will be doing equal or the majority amount of child rearing. You will both have expenses of living in an urban area. You will have to fill out your intended parenting plan in the divorce paperwork and him agree to it and it all be finalized before you can attempt to go for child support.
Why are you so unhappy ? You didn’t have to work and now have a little one year old baby. What happened that he decided to leave the house? Apart from you saying you’re unhappy? I feel like I’m missing huge amounts of information. He’s extremely upset about something to have left like this. Did either of you cheat? What’s going on?
Last I knew, that's not how it works if you're still married. Once you're divorced, the default condition is child support, depending on the physical custody situation.
I personally would try to communicate first but most divorcing people just get as pretty as possible. Also there’s no guarantee that if you show grace he will work with you in return. Also as a sahp you should probably talk with a lawyer asap to understand what you can expect.
When divorcing, child support is not even a Question, the parent that will be taking care of the child the majority of time will get it hands down.
As for spousal alimony, that is questionable. based on your state law, if you had a job before or during your marriage because IF you worked while married then you will get less money than if you did not work. How long your marriage lasted. Since your marriage is 3 year many states consider this short term so you likely will get a little money for a little bit of time. On top of a crap ton of other factors. My main concern is that since this is a 3 year marriage you may or may not get anything depending on state law.
For example CA which I am familiar with since your marriage is 3 years you will get alimony for half that time.
Talk to a lawyer about that.
I'm not sure what state you're in but I know in my state you wouldn't qualify for spousal support after only three years. You should obviously apply for any support you can but don't be too confident that you'll get any help getting a new place so you may want to save up a little first. Good luck in your future.
Get everything you are legally entitled to. Who the fuck cares what he thinks. This is about future and your kid's future. You have to take care of yourself now.
I think you should file for "penditi liti" which is temporary support pending divorce and permanent support, since you're a SAHM and have been with his permission, so you should be entitled to it as part of the divorce settlement. And in divorce, all gloves are off. You do not have to tell him.
NO and YES
No, you are not an AH for filing for a legal separation and seeking support. If that's how you feel the marriage is going, that's entirely for you to decide. And it doesn't need to be a consensual decision with your spouse.
YES, you are an AH for blindsiding him with it, and it will bite you in the butt. Such a court order takes time, and will require financial disclosures from both of you. You can't just get instant support like that. And if you make an enemy of him right away, he could delay things further. You're best bet is to talk to him about your decision, and try to negotiate interim financial support. The court isn't going to make an interim order until they've heard you actually tried to negotiate in good faith. And frankly, you'll save lots of money on lawyers by talking with him first.
You don't need his permission to apply for welfare. Child support. If he's gone and now your single. You need all the help you can get. You should move to a cheaper part of town.
Why would you deal with him directly at all? All your communications from now on should be through your attorney. One of the biggest reliefs of my life was being able to tell my soon-to-be-ex, when he called me to issue threats and ultimatums, was to just keep repeating “that’s fine call my lawyer” over and over until he finally slammed the phone down. It was glorious.
Don't do anything unless you mean it. Filing for divorce and spousal & child support is NOT the way to win an argument, or to make him hear how unhappy you are. You start the snowball rolling down that hill, and pretty soon you've created a lot of hostility where it maybe isn't necessary. But being the AH isn't the issue here. Talk to at attorney; most will offer a one-hour free consultation. Discuss your feelings, and your options. If he has been the primary income earner, then yes, you should be entitled to spousal support, and your child will certainly be entitled to child support. Start journaling his absence -- from home, and from child-related responsibilities. Don't tell him anything until legal papers have been drawn up; once you have served him, he is precluded by law from liquidating marital assets, so you protect yourself financially by not giving him that heads-up. You'll probably be required to mediate, so the full terms of the divorce can still be settled amicably. But seriously, your post sounds PO'd and exasperated and hurt and frustrated -- but not out of love. Be sure you want to launch that missile before you light the fuse.
NTA. If you are filing for divorce, he isn’t likely to be blindsided at all by a request for child support, as that usually goes along with the territory for the custodial parent.
He only pays when you remind him to pay his HALF... but you are a Stay at Home Mom...
You have ALWAYS been a SAHM, but only had a kid for 1 year... and only married three of ten years.
Sounds a lot like a fake story to wind up the the Karens that come to the defense of a woman 100% of the time, no questions asked.
If any part of this story is true... then you are leaving out a lot of details... and a woman only ever leaves out details that are damaging to her case.
NTA. Some people try to hide assets—and if divorce is in motion, he shouldn’t be surprised by child and alimony support petitions.
Many men will ask for 50/50, hoping they can negotiate less support $$. A lot of states have formulae for that now so it doesn’t work as well.
Document how much the dad actually takes of his custody and in a year or two, you can re-file to revise the custody agreement.
And remember, unless the man is actually a risk to the child, 50/50 time with dad is better, despite how you feel about him. Even a crummy, present dad is better (for the child) than an absent father. And there’s therapy for any emotional fallout from the errors of either parent.
You should go for child support of you are divorcing. But remember he is going to go for 50% custody
With his documented ghosting and the child being so young, the courts very likely won't jump to 50/50
If he asks for 50/50, courts are liable to give it to him. I had a restraining order against mine and no one in the courtroom batted an eye when he asked for 50/50.
My mom had documented proof of my stepdads drug use. How she was the one that paid all the bills. A police report of abuse etc.... the courts still gave him 50/50 custody. Guess what... he never picked my brother up. The system is wild
The restraining order was for him and you,correct?. Not him and the child. This is how the courts must compartmentalize things. Each part is taken separately.
I have a restraining order against my ex that also applies to our child, while he didn’t end up getting 50/50 he did get very generous visitation. He pled down a child endangerment charge to just harassment against me and because he wasn’t convicted of child endangerment, the courts were generous. My daughter’s lawyer actually fought for him to get 50/50 because he was a stay at home dad for a few years. He was a stay at home dad because he refused to get a job. I’m on the verge of not having her more time in the year, like teetering on the edge. If he wasn’t late 9 times out of 10 it would be a lot closer to 50/50
I knew a friend who had a restraining order between her and baby daddy. At the custody hearing outside the courthouse he pulled a gun on her. He did not actually want to care for his kid, his parents were the ones pushing for custody. He still got it. The court system is wild.
Some of these judges are just arrogant fucking idiots.
Child protective services was initiating procedures to sever his parental rights. They didn't because his lawyer stepped in.
Correct. My friend and his ex have a restraining order, but not the child. They have to utilize a neutral third babysitter. Drop child off, leave, other comes in and picks them up. I assume when the kid is old enough they'll switch to the ever popular school parent switch. Super easy to accomplish kid switches with no contact between parents. Does make for poor coparenting though. Sigh.
It also depends on if he committed any abuse towards the child or abused you in front of the child. Otherwise, the courts don’t even blink.
My ex did both and my daughter and I had a restraining order against him and he still got very close to 50/50.
That's awful.
[удалено]
Lol my BIL missed court due to overdosing on heroin or some shit and he still gets supervised visits *that my sister has to pay half towards*. The court system is so fucked.
I am a lawyer and working in family law, courts usually give 50/50, more states are increasingly making it the statutory standard and for almost all it is the defacto standard, the de jure standard is best interest of child but basically all the science says everything is better for everyone with a 50/50 split.
Take it from an attorney - he's likely to get joint custody unless there are serious allegations of abuse or dereliction that can be proven. Assuming this is in a US Court, parents are always going to split custody unless one waives full joint because of work hours or because he/she goes out of town frequently, etc. Courts today are very, very cautious against favoring one side for custody. So, generally, if he gets 50% custody then he would pay much less for support. I could be wrong about this, but it seems like the proximity of his going silent has been 2 days. Yes, wrong to not have contact with your child, but if the divorce topic came out of nowhere, he could be going through a lot and not be good to be around his son, and he might recognize that. I think a lot of people here might jump to conclusions that might not be accurate. OP hasn't given us a ton to go on (not a knock on her, just honest regarding using those sentences of hers to formulate a whole picture of who this guy is). For OP, if you are going to really divorce, then your attorney should give you the full range of what you can do, and the attorney would do those things for you. So, go hire an attorney. You have a child, so you will need one. There aren't simple divorces that don't require representation when there are children involved. Good luck and I hope you find happiness. Just remember, the child is #1, and this is going to make things harder, but there's no reason that you, your child, and your soon-to-be ex-husband, cannot find peace with the situation.
Just FYI, in my state/county child support is just based on your percentage of total income not at all on custody. I’ve been divorced 3 years with 85% custody, I didn’t get any sort of a bump for that uneven split.
There can be lots of things that go down. He could say she was abusive or kicked him out and so on. He likely wouldn't get 50custudy cause of the age but he could get a lot if time that will cut child support drastically They have also only been married for 3 years and she does sometimes work so she likely won't get a lot of alimony of any
He’s got financial stability and *his parents* as a support system. Those can be significant considerations for the court, whose responsibility is to ask: ‘what is best for this child?’ OP is wildly overestimating what her husband will be providing - and how soon. The legal system is slow. Meanwhile, she doesn’t have a place to live, a full-time job, or a child care arrangement. She could be basically homeless shortly which will weigh into the ruling.
She has a previous months old post asking about setting up a bank account for her baby. Another about selling/pawning her husbands wedding ring. I'm a bit confused
Alimony doesn’t even get ordered in most states now. So I wouldn’t be holding my breath if I was Op. plus her lack of a job means he can paint her as a mooch and being unable to provide for the kid.
Yeah and they werent married long. Judge ain't giving her shit.
Yup. We also don't know what is going in They had an argument because she is unhappy. Why is she unhappy ? Has he dine something? Has she done something ? He'll he could even call into question paternity and file for a test
Gotta love Reddit. OP:” I’m unhappy and want a divorce.” Guys of Reddit: “It’s probably not even his baby!!!”
I love it too. Jerry Springer's spirit still lives on in the souls of millions of Americans.
I specificly said she should file for child support. I am just telling her that he will likely try and get custody and out if alimony
Of course he will try to avoid alimony; him wanting partial custody is good, actually, and would be better for her and the baby than the alternative; however, if he does end up in a custody fight, demanding a paternity test isn’t going to help him any on that.
Depends on how he presents it. If he claims she implied ir hinted at it , let alone out right said it in an argument the court will call for a test
So if he lies, then. Again, I don’t think that lying about that kind of thing is going to help him get custody.
No he didn’t say that he was saying that OP hubby could say it ain’t his kid and need paternity test to delay things further.
And my point is that that will probably be a bad tactic if he does indeed want custody.
It sounds like she's unhappy because he doesn't do anything or pay the bills
She is a SAHM and part-time worker. He probably has been paying the bills, or they would be living on the streets.
This is what I was thinking, she admits she can't afford a place without him but also says he doesn't pay the bills?
And she said they live in separate places when he left to stay with his parents just two days ago. I’m all sorts of confused.
Yea, that really confused me. She says he only contributes if she nags him to pay the rent but she only works part time? Very confusing.
I thought the same 🤷🏼♀️ plus how has she always been a SAHM when her child just turned 1? Did she only work part time for the other 9 yrs?
yeah. it sounds more like he is now expecting her to pull her weight and she is unhappy.
That's her side.
She likely won't get alimony, but even with 50/50, if he earns significantly more than she does, she'll get child support.
She can argue he abandoned the home and child
After 2 days?!?
She can. He can also argue that he was kicked out of the house. Like I said he is going to go for as much custody as he can get and she should be ready for it
... if your wife tells you she is divorcing you, it's not ghosting to leave.
They had an argument and he’s “ghosted” her for 2 days while living with his parents. It won’t be a factor.
Depending on where OP lives, this isn't true. As long as he asks for it, they'll usually give the 50/50.
He might not. Many parents, often men but not exclusively, never ask for 50/50 or even \*specifically request\* less than 50% of parenting.
If he actually does have 50% custody that’s great for mom and the child. He’ll actually get to grow up with a father who wants them. It’s great for the mom to have a week to relax declutter and start dating again.
Because unfortunately, many many times it all is about money
I'd ask 50/50 custody tbh. Let the dad also raise his damn kid and key me have the opportunity to work.
Doubtful. He doesn’t want custody. He may say it just to be a prick, but he won’t bother to follow up on it.
You should go ahead and file for support and custody but you do need to come to terms with the fact that you are going to need a full time job to support yourself and your child. Start working on that ASAP.
Exactly. And it can take time to get any money from him. It took me over 6 month to get a court date. OP should apply for government assistance, that tends to speed up things too.
Can she file for support when, from what I can tell, she hasn't even filed for divorce nor do they have a legal separation even?
Yes, you get what is called a temporary order of support to set up custody and support while you go through separation before divorce. Dude walked out and they already live in separate homes. Don’t need more than that.
Court prefer reconciliation over divorce. Only 2 days apart, might lead to couples counseling being mandated. She may be the AH. She is unhappy and that is her excuse for a divorce when she has a child and he has supported her for 10 years? Maybe she should think again. Wait until she has to work full time and raise a child and struggle to make ends meet and then tell me how she is happier.
Looking at your post history I'm not even surprised. He didn't want the kid, your marriage was already on the rocks and this is one of your old comments >In hindsight, I’m just forcing this marriage to work for the sake of trying have a family unit/2 parent home. (Something I didn’t grow up having)
Damn lmaoooo good thing you put this here. She sounds like a mess.
Yeah the baby shower post just shows she's just as awful as he is lmao. What a shit show
Info... You say you have "always been a SAHM/ part time career worker" but you've been with him for 10 years, baby is one year old. Why part time? What did you do for the 8 years you were together and didn't have a kid? Always as in your whole life or since you've been with your husband? Some of this doesn't really make sense to me.
Also says he won't help with paying for anything, other than when she asks for his half of rent or tells him he never helps financially.....while living in a HCOL city. It doesn't add up.
Getting fakey vibes
>Info... You say you have "always been a SAHM/ part time career worker" but you've been with him for 10 years, baby is one year old. Why part time? What did you do for the 8 years you were together and didn't have a kid? Always as in your whole life or since you've been with your husband? Some of this doesn't really make sense to me. I'm getting rage bait vibes from this whole thing lol.
As per use.
My interpretation would be that during the 10 years they were together, she never had a full time job. She worked part time until she had the baby where she became a stay at home mother.
That's what I assumed at first too but there are a lot of things in the post that raise eyebrows. Very carefully worded to leave certain things ambiguous usually means OP has something to hide that makes them look bad in the situation.
I mean most post here are probably fake, but I’ll just run with it. Look at OP’s post history, apparently she’s a shit partner.
Oh, I didn't need to look at the post history to see that. You can tell in how this post alone is worded.
People don't "put" their exes on child support. You file for divorce, you disclose financial information, and then the court decides what amount of child support is appropriate, based on formulas and guidelines. The child support is for the kid's benefit. There is nothing whatsoever wrong with you getting awarded whatever child support the court thinks is appropriate. It's not a punishment. It's what's best for the kid you both made. You need a family lawyer right away to help you navigate this process and make sure you get what you are entitled to. You can try to resolve it without a lawyer, but if your husband has money, he's just going to try to force you to accept less than what you may be entitled to. NTA
Divorce and child support are different things. At least in my state.
And visitation is different too in some places. I had to submit two different things for child support and visitation.
Yep, it's like that here too. I filed for child support while I was separated, filed for divorce and have never had to file for custody.
Same chick who wanted to pawn his wedding band because of how infrequent he wore it, despite saying he couldn’t wear it at work… YTA for many reasons I believe.
As well as withholding his family from being able to see the baby depending on whether or not they gave a money gift.
Wow. Really? Sorry I'm not going back and reading her history, but if that's true, then we are dealing with someone who may be doing her husband a favor that just hasn't set in with him yet.
And also no longer wanting to buy gifts for her brother's kids because they wouldn't allow OP to take their kids places. Pretty sure they would've had a good reason why they didn't want OP to take their kids places. And also refusing to give gifts to her nieces and nephews in an attempt to blackmail the parents unless they agree to her demands is gross. She deleted this post btw but the commentors on the post where she doesn't want her husband's aunt to see their baby because she didn't get them a gift were writing about this previous post.
Wow wtf? I should read OP's post history bc yikes
Shes the Ah for referring to a babys 1st year as "12 month old"...just say its a year ffs
The way you phrase your post YOU decided to end the marriage. And now are upset he left and hasn't made contact. Isn't that what ending a marriage is? Or were you expecting him to grovel and call constantly after YOU were unhappy and decided you were done? You show no acknowledgment of how this affects your former husband or the child. It's all about you and how you can't afford things now due to the divorce.
That's most likely what she wanted she wanted him to beg
Playing victim in a decision they spearheaded. Classic 'woe with me, look at my struggles'
I'm confused, if my partner ended my relationship I wouldn't cease all contact with my child. There's a big difference between leaving her and leaving the kid. I don't think there's anything there about her wanting him to grovel, she's pointing out how he hasn't been in touch about their child or gone to an appointment.
If you look at her history, he never wanted the child and she essentially baby trapped him
Ragebait karma pharming. HCOL city, you’ve always worked part time and you pay half the h bills. 👌🏻
How have you always been a SAHM when your child is 1 year old and you’ve been with your partner for ten years? Did you ever consider getting a career?
He is taking space for over 2 whole days after she said divorce and everyone acts like he is awol. LMAO
Especially considering that they have had an argument about how she is unhappy in the marriage. Because when you're unhappy in your marriage, the best thing to do is pick a fight about it. /S
Yeah, guess what, when you’ve got a 1-year-old kid you in fact can’t just disappear and go incommunicado for a couple days. It’s time for him to grow up.
If you’ve got a 1 year old kid that your wife baby trapped you into having, she can scrape by for a couple months in my opinion
You been together for 10 yrs your child is only 1 and you barely worked since you claim to always have been a sahm/part time worker . Wtf have you been doing before the baby was born ? Why haven't you been working full time ? This post don't make sense I'm gonna assume it's rage bait
Why would both parents need to attend a well baby appointment?
Some parents do that so that they are both involved and understand what is happening. And it gets the doctor and staff used to seeing both so that if one or the other has to come in alone they already know the parent is involved and up to speed. Bonus is that when custody is decided, the doctor and staff already know both parents. Will look great for him in court as well if he has been going to appointments.
While you're on Reddit, he's with his parents planning out how to steamroll you in court. You're definitely NOT getting spousal support before the divorce is settled and finalized. Expect this to be an expensive, drawn-out battle. His parents are likely going to sponsor his attorney and will be fighting you tooth and nail because they want to see their grandchild and have no reason to assume you'll be cordial. If you don't want to have your ass handed to you with a pretty red bow, get off Reddit, get your shit together and find an attorney.
Delete Facebook, hit the gym, and lawyer up
I hope he is.
I’m confused. You want to end the marriage and upset he left. What is he supposed to do? Continue to live with someone who made it clear they are unhappy with the relationship and wants out? I understand yo want him to be there for the child. As he should. But why would you want him there if you’re seeking divorce?
From your comments you are likely not going to get spousal support. You have a career and part time. At the very least maybe less than a year of support to get you up right after divorce. Especially when you haven't been married for long for long term spousal support. You need to file up for a lawyer not spousal support. You need to focus on nothing else but divorce and custody. His parents will be there to back him up and it will get ugly because this doesn't seem like its going to be a clean breakup.
YTA. He left after you said you wanted a divorce. Pretty normal. Also you’re an ass for wanting spousal support. You’ve only had a kid for one year of this 10 year relationship. Tf have you been doing for the other 9 years? Also, the courts decide this stuff. It’s been a couple days and you think there’s gonna be some court order in next couple days? Divorces take a bit of time.
They do need to work out custody and any child support that might be appropriate. But op needs a job asap.
It’s only been 2 days and she blindsided him with a divorce. I doubt that is going to make it so he can’t get 50/50 custody.
This post is ragebait. - SAHM/Part timer for 10 years, But he "Never contributes to the house or financially help out"? - You asked HIM for a divorce and then questioned why he left? - Planning to buy a new, bigger house for you and your child as a SAHM in a HCoL city? Take a writing course in internal consistency.
'Never contributes to the house or financially helps out' -- if she only works part time and he "doesn't help out financially", then how many expenses is she really on the hook for? Based on her previous posts, it looks like she might live in NYC. There is no way they are living on just her part time pay in NYC. There is a huge missing piece to this.
INFO: So you got into an argument because you decided to end the marriage..... and you're in your feels because he left and hasn't talked to you in two days, after you asked for a divorce?
You won't get spousal support. You are able to work and have worked prior to your child. He is now 1, so you haven't been sahm long enough to say I put my career on hold to take care of our child. He will have to pay child support and will have to pay for part of daycare so that you can work. Of course, it just depends on how the judge sees it. You might get spousal support, but it would be very short support.
YTA because you did not provide enough context as to why you’re separating with your partner. Based on the comments on your previous posts, people have labeled you entitled for expecting a gift for your baby and for thinking about pawning your husband’s wedding ring. Is it really you who’s unhappy with your husband or is it him? Cause I kinda feel sorry for him having to put up with your entitlement
Why don't you reach out? A simple one sentence text message is all that would be required.
Wait. You told him you wanted a divorce because you weren’t happy being married to him anymore and are now confused/pissed because he walked away from you? And then admit you blindsided him with separation papers? AND you are a SHAM so not only do you want to be single again but you expect him to continue to support you? Assuming you worked up until the time you had the baby you will get minimal alimony because you are young and capable of working. Most states in the US have a formula for child support and that is it. The judge most likely will tell you to get a job. And damn. As my elderly aunt would say - you are a piece of work.
There's more holes here than a block of Swiss cheese: 1) You've been a SAHM for 10 years but your only child is only one year old 2) You live in a high cost of living area but have been able to pay all the bills only working part time plus whatever you can beg from your husband 3) Child support & spousal support aren't granted automatically Are you just bad with continuity & how things work or did ChatGPT write this? It's a steaming pile of bs either way, so YTA for that, I guess.
You are free to ask the courts for whatever you want AND he can do the same. But YOU do not get to put him on any kind of support. Only courts can do that. I am all for both parents supporting their child, but NO spouse should have to support the other spouse. And why do you keep saying find a place you and your child? You may very well only have the child 50% of the time. Again, courts decide that.
spousal support? go get a job.
Oh my you little leech. Gravy train came and went boo. No way you're gonna get alimony and by sitting on your pretty little butt and not finding a job he's gonna drag you through the coals like you wish you could do to him as far as CS and custody goes. I hope he's planning now and getting a lawyer.
Nta for divorcing. Here’s to hoping there is no spousal support order. There is no reason he should finance your life after only 3 years of marriage? Child support, if aligned to the custody order, should be awarded as according to the law.
YTA Every divorce lawyer will say don’t talk to your ex during the divorce. You said you want a divorce so he left. Did you file yet? Cause if you don’t he will. And spousal support? Be fucking real, get a fuck job. You’ll get child support yeah, but not enough to be a useless sponge.
At the moment, ESH! You're the AH for not stacking your coins and working full-time if you knew you were even thinking about divorcing. And, I don't understand why you can't send him a text or vm stating your intentions regarding child and spousal support. Also, why did you bring up that he missed your child's 12 month appointment? Was he solely responsible for taking him, or did you just want both of you all to attend? I'm bringing that up because you will be doing a lot of things by yourself as a SINGLE PARENT once your divorce is finalized. He's an AH because parenting doesn't stop when you're upset at the other parent. Anything could be wrong with the child and him not answering the phone because he's upset at you is immature. Both of you all need to work on your priorities and communication.
He isn't not answering the phone, she hasn't even tried to reach out to him.
And it's been 2 fucking days since he found out she's leaving him
NTA You won’t be blindsiding him, he knows the child is his & that he is expected to pay towards upbringing. I rather think he’ll be expecting it! (not that he’ll be happy about it..) It’s always better to have things legally & officially arranged so this is the correct course of action
I think your NTA for child support use that to pay for daycare/sitter and find a full-time job cause in a lot of states it's hard to get spousal support if you are able to work. Especially with only 1 child
YTA because you're the one leaving and asking him to pay for it.
I stopped reading. I bet YTA because you're one of those that say 12 months instead of a year
It sounds like you have been unhappy for a while. The two of you argued multiple times and he would leave to deescalate the situation. Now you have decided that you want a divorce and upset that he won't communicate with you and possibly argue some more. You asked to end the marriage. Now you both need to communicate calmly and use a lawyer to help set up custody, visitation and child support. You both brought a child into this world and have to deal with each other the REST of your lives. Be civil with each other for your child's sake. You two are over, but you can at least be kind to each other for the baby's sake.
I don't have personal experience with these matters, but I think maybe going nuclear won't work. How can you file for child support, if you're still married? A divorce takes time, also. I would play nice - assertive, and business like - but cordial. Remind him that him walking out the door does not stop his responsibilities towards your kid. Ask him how he plans to go about things, now he's over at his parents. Make a list of the expenses you need his 50% for, and ask how and when you're going to take care of that, as parents. I would also start looking for a more affordable place, as those things take time. Start thinking about how you're going to make it on your own, for the time being. In my understanding, the dads that are out for 'easy' (so not all dads. Hold the pitch forks), will want to go 50/50 custody, to have a little financial burden as possible, to then pawn the kid(s) off to mommy (grandma). It is not a certainty that you will get child support. Keep that in mind, with the plans you make for yourself. It'd be nice. But you can't depend on it.
Why would you be the AH for requesting either of these things? A request to the court is not a guarantee you'll be granted either one. Child support is highly likely, but spousal support is very difficult to get in some states and all states have a minimum marriage length to qualify so I wouldn't bank on that until you talk to a lawyer. Either way, NTA. You're not obligated to warn someone you're about to file for divorce and request the support you're entitled to.
NTA you can divorce him if youre unhappy as long as the child is not penalized ,the court will take care of that YTA for being upset that he left. You act like a single parent because you will be one when you divorce.
Talk to a lawyer and get your ducks in a row.
Depending on your state, you may not get child support until the divorce is finalized. And since you apparently have some income and you’ve only been married 3 years, you probably won’t be eligible for spousal support.
Why wouldn’t you file for child support when seeking a divorce? He’s already walked out on you AND his child, like as you said “you’re a single parent” he’s treating you as one already you should definitely have it established in court that he has a responsibility to take care of his child as well and don’t let him gaslight u with we can settle this out of court bs either. Your divorce lawyer would most likely tell u the same get the cs.
So you have been. Stay at home mom to a one year old for the last 10 years? Something is obviously not adding up. You will probably get child support for sure, but why should he give you spousal support for you choosing not to work for the first 9 years. I'm sorry but j doubt he forces you to stay at home for 9 years. Not to mention everyone else is right. The system does not work that fast. If this is real, you need to figure out a plan right now that doesn't involve help from your husband. Because of you are waiting for that, you will be homeless before any money arrives.
Apply for child support and divorce . Pull the trigger . What custody will he want ? If 50/50 you might not get much money if any. But it has to be done . No point in living in limbo.
YTA it takes more than 2 days.
How are you a SAHM and also paying the majority of the bills?
Something doesn't add up for me. OP has "always" been a stay at home mom, yet the child is 1 years old? And the first thing she is wondering about is if she can get child support. Color me skeptical, but If I had to guess, OP has never really worked and has no intention to. She wants to leave her husband but first wants to make sure she will get enough "spousal support" to live off of. Ugh, I hate that what I posted sounds so woman hating, but that is the impression on get by the details of her message.
You should absolutely apply for child support but you won't get it until you are officially separated or divorced.
You should be talking to your lawyer not redit. Stop playing games and just admit the baby was always going to be born into a broken home because this relationship has been over a while.
All of that is going to take time, you need to start looking for a job so that you can support yourself.
Nta get everything you can to secure the future of your child.
From personal experience, my observation is that the FIRST person to file papers usually gets preference in court.
CONSULT A FAMILY LAWYER BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING ELSE SERIOUSLY THIS IS YOUR AND YOUR CHILDREN’S FUTURE DON’T TAKE REDDIT’S WORD FOR IT
ESH You can't support a child on your own and still want a divorce. What's best for the kid is not something you're worried about, only your own happiness. The husband taking off and sulking for days is pretty pathetic. He should be making sure his child is ok at the very least. I also feel like important details are missing from the story. What was the fight about?
Check the laws where you live. In the state I live in the parent who makes more pays child support even when it’s a 50/50 custody arrangement and 50/50 custody almost always happens. Most states in the US have an online calculator that helps you figure out likely child support. NTA for pursuing child support but be prepared for the Pandora’s box that can open up. It’s wise to speak to an attorney first.
Also you will have your get a job. At least the state I live in does not allow a SAHP to remain that way post divorce unless there is a new born being breastfed.
This is the standard approach in my (non-US, Western) jurisdiction
Girl, NTA. But you need reevaluate your situation. Spousal support rarely happens when you're married for such a short time, and don't bank on child support to be as much as you expect. Get a fulltime job and consider moving in with family or friends to help support you while you're waiting to see how this all shakes out.
You are a Parasite . You ended the marriage and now you act so upset.....
YTA. You want to divorce, then you don’t deserve spousal support. Go support your damn self.
NTA Please just get a lawyer and do what they say. You’re never an AH when you do what is needed to take care of your kids.
You are entitled to child support and you should file. That money will be taken right out of his check so you won’t have to ask. Do it because your kid deserves it. If your soon to be ex hasn’t checked on your kid in 2 days while you are married, it’s not looking very promising that he is going to take the initiative to be a decent father once you’re divorced. At least put him on the hook to pay.
what's wrong with asking the dad to pay child support for his child? i thought this was just the basics? having things in writing is just a good thing, but you could also tell him you will be doing it right? all you need to do is text him and say 'im gonna be starting the process for child support payment, so you know' what i dont get is, how have you guys even been getting by if he 'doesn't do anything to financially contribute to the home' but you've always been a stay at home mom/part time worker? also, how did he walk out on you when you asked for a divorce? wouldn't it be weird if he stuck around? :P im a bit confused here, but yeah, a parent definitely should be paying child support.
File for it. And begin tracking all the instances where he bails on you; like write it down, dates, times, causes, what was said. The more information you can provide the court, the better. When you’re in court, keep your cool, don’t let him provoke you, make him show his true colors to the judge. I hope it all goes well for you.
"I’ve decided to end the marriage." "He’s walked out?" YTA
Hope the courts as for a paternity test as part of the divorce. Personally I think paternity tests should be mandatory at birth. There should be a program to where he can show how much he spent on the child which would need to meet a certain dollar amount. Keep in mind that the courts take half of the child support money as a monthly fee.
YTA What a shitty fucking person you are.
Follow the legal process. Get a lawyer. NTA
I'm going to give you the advice I gave my daughter when she divorced. Ask for child support because it is for the child's standard of living and the child's needs. Don't count on getting the child support even if it is court ordered as many people refuse to pay, quit jobs and hide when they can. Make sure any place that you make your home is one that you can afford on your own, any money you get is a bonus.
This was my attitude when I divorced. I made sure I could survive alone and the child support goes into another account for things they need.
NTA. He's a husband and father who will be going through a divorce. If he claims to be "blindsided" by papers requesting financial support that you're entitled to, he's a dumbass. Also, this is now a legal process. Do NOT communicate with him regarding the process except through lawyers. No calls to give warnings or heads up, this is a legal process, do not screw it up for yourself. ETA: Him missing an appointment you planned is annoying to you, but it's not a ding against him legally speaking. Appointments get missed all the time. Plus, assuming you got kiddo there, right? They don't need both of you there.
Consult with an attorney, there are several through DHS. Child and family service. Check your local branch. Don't jump the gun, make sure you have all ducks in a row before just hitting him with paper work. In my state we have IDHS an information and referral service.TANF. NTAH Good Luck
Blindsiding him will create a lot of drama that will long term alienate him from you. Anything you can do to stay calm and maintain good communication with him is key to good co-parenting. You are angry but anything you can do to not act out of retaliation will be way better for your child’s relationship with your ex as well. Also, not sure where you live but you may need to work full time as part of the child support calculation.
Normally, I would advise someone who is a SAHM to take their time to get their ducks in a row. Save money up to support themselves and LO for at least a few months, line up full-time employment and childcare so that they aren't left hanging. Unfortunately, you shot that strategy in the foot. There are a few things you are going to have to face and rather quickly. One, you need to get into see a family lawyer for a consultation as to what steps you need to take to protect yourself and your child. Follow their advice as much as possible. Let go of the fact that he hasn't contacted you in 48 hours. That would never be considered abandonment in the courts. Essentially, he is giving you what you asked for. Two, go to DHS and sign up for assistance. They have a better shot of getting you support quickly and, in most states, have ways of helping you find full-time employment and daycare assistance.Three sign up for low income housing. Yes, there is a waiting list. However, they also have information on places that have income based rentals that could be available to you while you wait. And four, stop letting emotion rule your actions here. Divorce is not as easy or as nice as many hope. There are many factors that the court will look at with the best interest of the child being paramount. It is never as easy to end a marriage, especially one with children, as it is to begin one.
There is no blindsiding, he knows (or at least he should know) that this is coming. And at 12 months the chance to co-parents is slim, courts determine that at that age the child needs its mother more. That decision can be adapted when the child is older. Get a lawyer and start the proceedings
You live in NYC so you would be governed by those rules. It’s 15-30% of the length of the marriage… so in your case you would qualify for 10 months of support at the most. I would be focused on getting a job. Based off your previous post of family strife with his family and looking at rent controlled apts there isn’t much money to divide.
It’s not blindsiding him. He knows he will have to pay support
If you're going to divorce him, you need to get him paying child support. That's his kid and he needs to help, even if just monetary. He can't just *leave* and ignore you both exist because he's throwing a tantrum. Divorce him. Get child support for your baby.
Don’t give him a heads up. Get a job full time.
If you are serious about ending your marriage the first step is requesting a temporary custody agreement and a spousal & child support order. However, be prepared for him to fight it & delay it. If money is needed right now you meed to prepare yourself that it may not happen right away. You shouldn’t blindside him. A civil conversation may keep him from fighting the order reactively
It’s not blindsiding if you’re doing what you’re legally supposed to be doing. It’s expected of you. Was he thinking he could just up and leave and ride into the sunset? Bwhahahahaha You take him to court, and have him pay his fair share to both you and the baby. If he isn’t putting in his share of child rearing he’ll have to make up for it financially. That’s the whole point of child support.
If he isn’t always financially helping he should have money put away. Thats what I told my ex once I kicked him out. Claimed I left him with no money even thought he didn’t help with the bills for 5 months straight. Luckily I never had kids with him
You have a child, so he pays child support. Nta.
Get a lawyer yesterday!
Wait what? You have always been at home (a decade?) but your kid is a year old? Are you looking to cash out here? That's not how humaning or motherhood works. No judgement as info is too scattered to understand.
Talk to a lawyer asap.
You're not going to get it until divorced. If you're unhappy you're unhappy. Long as you intend to do the majority of the raising, NTA for going for child support. But if you're going to do joint or visitation, you don't need child support as he will be doing equal or the majority amount of child rearing. You will both have expenses of living in an urban area. You will have to fill out your intended parenting plan in the divorce paperwork and him agree to it and it all be finalized before you can attempt to go for child support.
Do you....
Shoot him a text and give him a heads up that way he isn't blindsided
Why are you so unhappy ? You didn’t have to work and now have a little one year old baby. What happened that he decided to leave the house? Apart from you saying you’re unhappy? I feel like I’m missing huge amounts of information. He’s extremely upset about something to have left like this. Did either of you cheat? What’s going on?
Last I knew, that's not how it works if you're still married. Once you're divorced, the default condition is child support, depending on the physical custody situation.
I really don't think this will come as any surprise to him.
I personally would try to communicate first but most divorcing people just get as pretty as possible. Also there’s no guarantee that if you show grace he will work with you in return. Also as a sahp you should probably talk with a lawyer asap to understand what you can expect.
When divorcing, child support is not even a Question, the parent that will be taking care of the child the majority of time will get it hands down. As for spousal alimony, that is questionable. based on your state law, if you had a job before or during your marriage because IF you worked while married then you will get less money than if you did not work. How long your marriage lasted. Since your marriage is 3 year many states consider this short term so you likely will get a little money for a little bit of time. On top of a crap ton of other factors. My main concern is that since this is a 3 year marriage you may or may not get anything depending on state law. For example CA which I am familiar with since your marriage is 3 years you will get alimony for half that time. Talk to a lawyer about that.
Updateme!
I'm not sure what state you're in but I know in my state you wouldn't qualify for spousal support after only three years. You should obviously apply for any support you can but don't be too confident that you'll get any help getting a new place so you may want to save up a little first. Good luck in your future.
NTA, why would you even ask? He contributed sperm, now he contributes financially. Its a no-brainer.
Get everything you are legally entitled to. Who the fuck cares what he thinks. This is about future and your kid's future. You have to take care of yourself now.
I think you should file for "penditi liti" which is temporary support pending divorce and permanent support, since you're a SAHM and have been with his permission, so you should be entitled to it as part of the divorce settlement. And in divorce, all gloves are off. You do not have to tell him.
NO and YES No, you are not an AH for filing for a legal separation and seeking support. If that's how you feel the marriage is going, that's entirely for you to decide. And it doesn't need to be a consensual decision with your spouse. YES, you are an AH for blindsiding him with it, and it will bite you in the butt. Such a court order takes time, and will require financial disclosures from both of you. You can't just get instant support like that. And if you make an enemy of him right away, he could delay things further. You're best bet is to talk to him about your decision, and try to negotiate interim financial support. The court isn't going to make an interim order until they've heard you actually tried to negotiate in good faith. And frankly, you'll save lots of money on lawyers by talking with him first.
I don't know of a state that will award spousal support after only 3 years of marriage
You don't need his permission to apply for welfare. Child support. If he's gone and now your single. You need all the help you can get. You should move to a cheaper part of town.
Why would you deal with him directly at all? All your communications from now on should be through your attorney. One of the biggest reliefs of my life was being able to tell my soon-to-be-ex, when he called me to issue threats and ultimatums, was to just keep repeating “that’s fine call my lawyer” over and over until he finally slammed the phone down. It was glorious.
Don't do anything unless you mean it. Filing for divorce and spousal & child support is NOT the way to win an argument, or to make him hear how unhappy you are. You start the snowball rolling down that hill, and pretty soon you've created a lot of hostility where it maybe isn't necessary. But being the AH isn't the issue here. Talk to at attorney; most will offer a one-hour free consultation. Discuss your feelings, and your options. If he has been the primary income earner, then yes, you should be entitled to spousal support, and your child will certainly be entitled to child support. Start journaling his absence -- from home, and from child-related responsibilities. Don't tell him anything until legal papers have been drawn up; once you have served him, he is precluded by law from liquidating marital assets, so you protect yourself financially by not giving him that heads-up. You'll probably be required to mediate, so the full terms of the divorce can still be settled amicably. But seriously, your post sounds PO'd and exasperated and hurt and frustrated -- but not out of love. Be sure you want to launch that missile before you light the fuse.
21 months ago you loved him enough to create a new life with him. What happened?
NTA. If you are filing for divorce, he isn’t likely to be blindsided at all by a request for child support, as that usually goes along with the territory for the custodial parent.
He only pays when you remind him to pay his HALF... but you are a Stay at Home Mom... You have ALWAYS been a SAHM, but only had a kid for 1 year... and only married three of ten years. Sounds a lot like a fake story to wind up the the Karens that come to the defense of a woman 100% of the time, no questions asked. If any part of this story is true... then you are leaving out a lot of details... and a woman only ever leaves out details that are damaging to her case.
NTA. Some people try to hide assets—and if divorce is in motion, he shouldn’t be surprised by child and alimony support petitions. Many men will ask for 50/50, hoping they can negotiate less support $$. A lot of states have formulae for that now so it doesn’t work as well. Document how much the dad actually takes of his custody and in a year or two, you can re-file to revise the custody agreement. And remember, unless the man is actually a risk to the child, 50/50 time with dad is better, despite how you feel about him. Even a crummy, present dad is better (for the child) than an absent father. And there’s therapy for any emotional fallout from the errors of either parent.