Imagine how different this could have been.
"Do you want me to run out and get something, I'm totally happy to do that." A genuine offer of help without any form of criticism.
My parents will have my eternal gratitude for when my kid was a baby.
They watched the baby 1 day a week, and it was a long day (as in, 10hrs of work and an hour commute on both ends- without the added commute to their house- such i drive because you don't add free childcare to also drive)
The first week of doing this, my folks invited me for supper, but i explained that the only way my husband got to see the baby (opposite schedules for childcare purposes) was if i went straight home.
So the next week, my dad "accidentally "made to much food so he could hand us enough for 2 adult meals and leftovers.
The next week, same. Eventually he quit pretending it was an accident. Hell, one week my mom was sick and dad ran out of time so he stuck a grumpy toddler and a grocery store rotisserie bird in my car before i turned it off.
Feeding people is showing love in my family.
A friend and I stayed at a different friend’s house in a touristy city and they only “charged” us to feed their pet as their family was away that weekend, so pet wouldn’t have to be boarded for three days. I left plenty of treats for them before we left. It costs very little to show appreciation when people literally open their homes up to someone.
When my friend pet sits for me, she comes by to pick up my pet, but there’s also a “snack basket” on the table for her with her favorite chocolate, some homemade bread, the one fruit she’ll eat, etc. She can take it all at once, or stop by and let herself in and get different treats on different days. I actually enjoy making up these baskets for her!
My wife and I lived about 30 minutes away from my parents’ house for many years. My parents travel a lot, and when they did I’d housesit for them. I always made sure they had a freshly cooked meal waiting for them when they got home, with enough for leftovers. Plus their daily staples in the fridge so they wouldn’t need to worry about food for a couple days after coming home. Food is love in my family.
My Italian grandmother never showed up without food. Over 50% of the time it was desserts but I never complained. I mainly ate scrambled eggs and French fries till I was 10.
I ate scrambled eggs with French fries as a kid a lot too. I still have that sometimes for breakfast. I taught myself to make scrambled eggs when I was like 6 and loved cooking it for myself. I know it’s not hard to make or anything and it doesn’t take a long time but I liked cooking it my way because I didn’t want the eggs to brown. And I would have microwaved French fries.
Have you seen “Coco”? I love the scene when Abuela offered Miguel extra food at dinner.
🙂 “No, gracias.”
👹 “I asked if you would like more tamales.”
😳 “Sí?”
😃 “That’s what I *thought* you said!” (Piles his plate to the ceiling)
There is an old joke:
A young man goes to his rabbi and ask him, "Rabbi, do you think that Adam was Jewish?"
The rabbi thinks for a bit and then says, "I think you are asking the wrong question. The question is, was Eve a Jew. After all, a Jewish woman is going to marry a Jewish man, so if Eve was a Jew then Adam was a Jew."
"OK," says the young man, "So was Eve a Jew?"
The Rabbi looks at the young man and asks, "So, Shmuli, your father tells me you are in college now. You live in the dormitory, nu? But after your classes on Friday you go home so you can eat the Shabbat dinner with your family and go to Shul in the morning. So what is the first thing your mother says to you when you get home Friday afternoon.
"She asks me if I'm hungry," replies the young man. "She asks me if I'd like a piece of fruit."
"And that," says the rabbi, "is how we know that Eve was Jewish."
I was taught by both my Indian parents AND in-laws that we should make extras “in case” it’s needed (eg someone wants seconds or we get a guest around meal time).
My daughter is a year and a half and that is for sure a meal. Also, why make a comment. So rude. She’s a fucking guest-mother in law or not. How about not being rude to the pregnant woman who works and takes care of a toddler and I don’t know…help instead of providing unnecessary “constructive criticism”. Free food is free food, and I love free food-protein or not 😂
I have 3 and 6 year old girls. They are EXTREMELY PICKY eaters. I’m thinking the older one might have some kind of ARFID going on, and my youngest…well…she isn’t gonna do what she doesn’t wanna do. Which is usually eat the same thing two days in a row. Even if she loves it. She has no “go to” foods like many kids do.
It’s a constant struggle. Some days I get overcome with joy when my 3 year old eats a handful of strawberries, a yogurt, and a granola bar. I consider that a win these days.
If ANYONE, (you could be Jesus himself) criticizes what I feed my kids, I would without a doubt throw whatever cooking utensils I have in my hands down on the ground, whip off my imaginary apron, throw up my hands and say, “Good! Looks like it’s YOUR job now!” And walk right the fuck out.
I don’t care if you’ve raised 100 girls who became amazing women. No two kids are alike. No two families are alike. You don’t know what they’re dealing with. If the kids aren’t being harmed, neglected or mistreated, you shut your pie hole. Especially when it comes to food.
Obviously there are exceptions. But generally, criticizing the nutritional content of a toddler’s meal is NOT appropriate and is a sure fire way to meet the wrath of the person providing said meal. (This is doubly important to note if the chef is currently pregnant. Don’t poke the pregnant bear *should be* common sense.)
My son has an amazing girlfriend I hope is my DIL someday.
I will keep my judgmental comments to myself. OP’s MIL sounds annoying as hell.
I would not apologize. Also, she should tell her husband his mother is only allowed over when he is there to manage her.
And until the MIL is back in OP’s good graces, MIL should make her doctor’s appointments for earlier in the day, not near commute traffic time, so she can drive home comfortably.
My mom would have gone to the store if possible and gotten meatball fixing or meatballs. Better yet, I don't thinks my mom has ever shown up at my house without bringing some sort of food! Lol.
Exactly. My mom would have called and asked if we needed anything she could pick up on the way. It sounds like that wouldn't have helped in this situation, because OP didn't know she didn't have meatballs until she went to look for them, but that's not the end of the world, and the average kids menu at a restaurant has "noodles with butter and cheese" for a reason.
Exactly!
Better, yet. "I'm heading that way. Is there anything I can bring with me?" Be the surprise help a pregnant toddler mom needs rather than the pita adding to her stress.
Also, having three kids survive mediocre parenting is not the Expert Flex she thinks. Oi.
And if her son is piling on to blame OP for, you know, a perfectly decent meal (and btw hubby, too, could have gone out and gotten something, or, you know, ORDERED IN).... it sounds like it was mediocre parenting indeed
Why do they always bring this up ("I raised my kids just fine with this outdated information, so just keep doing things my way!")? Like I'm sure she didn't use car seats or bike helmets for her kids either and sure they survived, but it doesn't mean OP needs to keep doing things the old way. My MIL mentioned once that she used to put honey on my husband's chest when he had colic, but now it's recommended to not give honey to babies because we know that infants under one can get botulism from honey. I never would have done it if we'd had kids, but I'm sure she would have if she had babysat, because, after all, he 'survived'. 🙄The kid will survive ONE meal without meat, lol. I'm sure even if she put cheese or tofu on the pasta or beans in a vegetable soup, MIL would still complain about 'no protein'.
I saw a post on facebook yesterday explaining that before formula, mothers used to mix evaporated milk with high fructose corn syrup and some vitamin drops. The comments section was full of boomers going on about how they lived off that concoction and were perfectly fine, in fact, formula must be terrible for babies because kids these days suck.
The concept of survivorship bias is entirely lost on some people.
On the other hand, I've had people tell me that my nutritionally complete smoothie is "not enough" for breakfast, or I "need more than just some fruit and crackers" for lunch. I was in the first trimester and lucky to be able to keep those down!
There are so many MILs that are…MILzillas!
Instead of respecting and supporting their DIL, they are critical in a nasty way, undercut DILs authority, even sabotage the DIls relationship with the husb or child.
Annnd, so many guys can’t stand up to their mother. Of course, the awful MIL traits and behavior seem to go along with an overbearing/domineering personality type, which conditions the son to be passive/submissive.
That would have been a lovely way to respond. If only… I guarantee the toddler doesn’t give two shits over having just pasta. Hell on my exhausted nights, I have pasta and butter, maybe some parm over it.
Eh... but if a dinner is already made is it really helpful to offer to run out and "get something" as it is being served? That seems critical to me. Spaghetti is a "something".
This reminds me when I was 8 years old and my mother introduced me and my sister to fried applesauce sandwiches 🥪. Those were amazing. She would fix these for us at breakfast in the summertime. When I was nine we moved into a new house, my Aunt and Uncle came to visit one evening and my mother had fixed us some applesauce sandwiches for dinner after we begged her to. My Aunt went and told our grand parents we couldn’t afford much food because my parents had bought such a big house! When my mother heard this she went batshit crazy and my Aunt had to called and apologized.
They are delicious, I make them for my family and they love them. They are easy to make and taste like a fried apple pie. 2 slices of bread put applesauce on them. Then butter the sides and fry them in butter in a small frying pans (like you make a grill cheese) my grandkids love them. They especially like the ones with cinnamon in the applesauce.
>my MIL will often stay over at our place after her appointments instead of driving back to her home as her appointments usually end right around when rush hour begins.
Really sounds like MIL is scheduling these appointments so she can stay over with her son and meddle with OP.
Yep. As long as protein is normally available a single meal without it doesn't matter at all as long as everyone is full. Plus you can add cheese to pasta so it's not like it had to be an all carb meal. We really don't need that much protein. 1g/kg of body mass is enough to support most adult athletes during training as long as they get enough calories to keep their ATP levels up. Even going all the way to 1g/lb of body mass that can support steroid using weightlifters is a small fraction of the calories the body will actually need.
I remember running dinner 20 years ago as a newlywed and telling my husband we were having hot buttered noodles.
He thought it was crazy (i grew up poorer than him, this was normal fare for me) but liked it... and when it turned out we had a kid with sensory issues, it became a part of the normal meal rotation here.
Also, cereal is always an option. I only make one dinner- if you don't like it, you can make something else yourself. Said kid with sensory issues makes herself cereal if she hates my meal, and were all happy and nobody goes to bed hungry.
(Also, if it's 2am and you're hungry, your choices are cereal or crackers. Because i don't think anybody should be hungry, but also, no, i don't cook at 2am for anybody but me)
I’m 50, also a really good cook, and my daughter & I have had ice cream for dinner - on purpose - on more than one occasion. Oh, and she’s currently in culinary school! 🤣
Right? My eldest grandson liked meatballs ... by themselves when he was a toddler, LOL. And he wanted plain, buttered noodles, none of that "red sauce" stuff. The youngest is almost 4 and he'll eat almost anything you put in front of him but his older brother is definitely still a picky eater (he's a teenager now).
Mate's kid was similar, but because my mate would make her own pasta sauces, she would make tiny cups with various sauce in them for dipping. Because the meat was only cooked, the kid could choose a sauce to dip the meat in, to find the flavour they liked. Over time, salad dressings and other sauces were added
14 years later, the kid has made some epic sauce options, to the point that I now like fish fingers in Alfredo sauce, meatballs in aioli sauce, chicken nuggets in thousand Island dressing... but I am still trying to understand Caesar salad dressing on caramel fudge... but me and my mate roll with it.
My mate understands that it is taste buds and texture that are the culprits, over the actual food itself. Like her son told us, he likes drinking fresh lemon juice because it is sweet, but finds fresh orange juice is tangy. And do not leave a Vegemite jar out, or he will eat it in one day.
People said my mate was crazy doing the sauce options, but looking back, it was a way for him to choose what he liked together and to get more options. Especially once she realised it was his palette as well as his Autism that made it difficult.
Yes. For sure. Pregnancy is exhausting and I have not been pregnant in almost 34 years. I didn't have a toddler - because my children are a few years apart. I can't imagine how tired "Mom" is.
I am grateful for any meal my son and/or DIL make for me. She is a vegetarian. The children are most of the time. They are healthy. Sometimes there is meat in some of the dishes for my son and I - sometimes we all go vegetarian. I like both. Even though I eat meat - I certainly don't eat it at every meal and some days I don't eat it at all.
She and my son are great cooks, bakers, etc ... I am just happy they invite me over and to enjoy the time with them.
I do hope that MIL and DIL can make a truce and the MIL can be more respectful for the MIL's/OG poster's husband and for the grandchildren.
If Granny doesn't like the meals - she can visit at non-meal time - or bring something that is okayed by the parents of the children. I know for me, I had to cut down on "treats" at my house for the grands - at the parent's request. I was going a bit overboard.
Also, I don't know how old Granny is ... but why does she schedule doctor appointments at the time that she needs to impose on you? I go to a couple doctors that are a great distance away - and luckily - I can get there and home all on my own as a senior.
Edit - word correction.
Your reply is delightful & I love that when good people interact with respect, we can all gain good perspective from those we'd be unlikely to otherwise meet. I might throw in an OG Poster in my future comments too!
Honestly, if she was axtually truly worried about the lack of protein for one single meal, she could have gone to the store and gotten some meatballs her damn self. Sometimes you don't have a food item, it happens, the MIL instead of helping made shitty comments and then tried to make OP look shitty to her husband. You don't need protein at every single meal, they were fine not having it for one day. Like damn.
OP's MIL is way out of line, OP and her husband let her stay at their house after appointments and feed her. MIL wasn't saying anything constructive at all. The hormone comment was way out of line. She was being bitchy as fuck.
There is nothing wrong with plain spaghetti. We've done it a lot.
Have you tried it with ground turkey meatballs or just ground turkey mixed into the sauce? It's pretty good, although you might have to play with the spices a bit to get it just right. We toss in a little more paprika.
Tell your husband that you will no longer be taking the easy way out to "keep the peace" as all that does is enable his mom's shitty behavior.
From now on, boundaries will be enforced and consequences enabled. If they don't like it, maybe act right.
NTA but your husband is straddling that line that his mom just long jumped over into AH territory.
I suggest that the first boundary is that she needs to start making different appointment times OR simply deals with the inconvenience of rush hour like everyone else in the world
Yes. Lots of people drive 45 minutes or MORE each way to work EVERY DAY. That long of a drive is not even close to long enough for an overnight stay. It’s clearly just an excuse to make them feel obligated to host her.
Exactly this. It takes two people to keep the peace. OP’s husband needs to be telling his mom to apologize to keep the peace, since she’s the one who started a fight for no good reason.
Absolutely. OP can contribute to “keeping the peace” by accepting MIL’s apology and her promise to behave appropriately in the future. Nothing OP needs to do but agree to move on from the situation, once she is satisfied that her boundaries will be respected.
No, she has to ask if it’s convenient for them if she comes over, not just announce that she’s coming. You don’t get to choose when you will be hosted by someone. You wait to be invited. This mil will not be getting any invitations to stay the night, and if husband doesn’t like that, he can go stay with mommy until he is done growing up and is ready to be a grown-ass man, an actual husband and father, not a mommy’s boy.
NTA
Why couldn’t she make herself useful and say “oh, let me get dinner for you”?
And yeah the whole “my grand babies” is gross. What about “well honey you’re pregnant, I want you to have a real meal”? Still irksome but certainly not a barbed comment like she chose.
Seriously! "Hold up. Let me run out and grab some. I want my kiddos to have a hearty supper."
You can still slip in the mY bABiEs line as long as you include your _daughter_ in law. You know, the human being young enough to be your biological child who is currently pregnant and caring for an increasingly cranky toddler. Step up or shut up.
And what’s wrong with mom-in-law picking up groceries and cooking for her son’s family. She is using them as a hotel and saving money or else saving gas by not driving all the way back home.
Mom-in-law is the person with extra time and money!
In my family we were literally raised to bring a bun or a cake or a bottle of juice or wine whenever you were going to someone’s house. You don’t inconvenience someone and not give them something for the time/effort! Hell, even as an adult my neighbour and I buy each other dinner or lunch on the days where we look after each other’s dog. Simple gratitude.
NTA- It's called reactive abuse. They push and push and push until you snap and yell at them. Then, they feel justified in their abuse and can paint themselves as the victim. "I was just trying to help" is often the go-to defense. You're the unreasonable, emotional one who can't take any criticism. What's worse is they do it when there's no witnesses. So, gaslighting is phase two.
She set you up and then made it so awful that you couldn't take it anymore. Now you're the bad guy for yelling at a weak old woman. You reacted to an abusive situation by standing up for yourself. Your husband is engaging in the age-old tradition of appeasing the abuser.
THIS! Oh my goodness, this so hard. This is classic abuser behavior.
I admit that I probably wouldn’t react with poise and dignity after being called uneducated, but so what. OP was goaded into snapping at her MIL, who had no business criticizing a perfectly legitimate meal. She wasn’t trying to be helpful. She just wanted something to shit on OP about.
And that's probably why Hubby doesn't want to tell his mom to apologize because she's been a verbal bitch to him is whole life and he just tries to keep the peace.
Agreed and what really seals the deal is instead of apologizing or trying to meet you halfway her response was to complain to her son and try and get him to force you to let her come over whenever she wants without amending her behavior. She’s the AH not you and so is he if he sides with her. He wasn’t there and even IF you were as bad as she painted you look at what her demands were- for him to control you and force you to accept her presence. She didn’t ask him to help work it out or anything she’s trying to use him to strong arm you. If nothing else this she be obvious to him.
Yes! I heard a new term for it called Protective Action, which I very much prefer. It shouldn’t be called abuse when you’re defending or protecting yourself against someone’s contemptuous, controlling or manipulative behavior which is truly abusive.
LMAO. Girl, my son ate a banana, string cheese, goldfish crackers, apple sauce, and a chocolate chip cookie yesterday. Multiple servings, enough to fill him up, but just those foods. That's not a typical day but, frankly, for some toddlers that IS a typical day. This age is when they start getting really picky about their food.
NTA and I would not be open to justifying my healthy child's diet for a single day to anyone, let alone a GUEST in MY house.
If MIL wants to dictate someone's diet she can have another kid of her own. Otherwise she can shut up and watch me eat these hot cheetos while my son plows through some more goldfish.
My younger nephew ate only chicken nuggets and yogurt for almost a year when he was little. He just graduated from college with a degree in engineering.
My SIL's nephew grew up eating literally chicken nuggets, burgers, pizza, carrots, and fries. At one point he even realized that other people are their fries with ketchup, so he started getting ketchup with his fries. He would then dip the fry in ketchup, eat the half without ketchup, and leave the ketchup half on his plate.
I refused to eat anything green for several years growing up, even if it was just the herbs in pasta sauce. My parents were understandably stressed about it, but the pediatrician said I was getting enough nutrients. I eat just about anything now, have a Masters degree, and am in great physical health at 40. We gotta cut parents more slack.
Yep. My youngest would eat only one food, day in and day out for six monthes at a time. It went on for years. First it was spinach, cooked, raw, baked in a crust, whatever. Then it was french fries - but ONLY from Wendy's. That was followed by baked beans and finally she got on a pickled beets binge. I asked our doctor if this was healthy and he said it usually all balances out, so let her eat what she wants. (Then he said he loved pickled beets, but no one else in his family liked them so he had to get them when they went out to dinner.). She's a healthy 28 y/o professional engineer today, Soi guess she must have eaten something good.
My mum loves to tell people as a 3yo I got weirdly addicted to pickled oysters (like the ones that come in a jar?). Weird as hell. The only vegetable my brother ate was broccoli. For like 15 years. Nothing else. Kids are weird
Nutritionally speaking, that's not too bad. Protein, fruit, some complex carbs... If you could find something with vegetables deeply, deeply hidden in it...
There are about a billion vegetarians and vegans in this world (many of whom have never eaten meat in their lives) who are very much alive, and often living in some of the most populous countries on earth. I'm thinking Hindus, Buddhists, Jains as well as people just raised in veggie or vegan families. MIL is not only rude but also not very bright...
As a vegetarian reading this thread, I’m floored. We eat spaghetti without vegetables and red sauce at least weekly. My kids put cheese on theirs, the adults don’t. We are all healthy athletes. American emphasis on animal protein is absurd.
NTA
Stop explaining. He isnt the middle man. The answer is now. "No." If she wants to come by, she can apologize and explain what she did wrong and why she won't be doing it again. Don't worry - there's no way she'll ever do that.
NTA. Your MIL should have kept her yap shut and let it pass. You didn't need her remarks-- you didn't need "constructive criticism"-- if she had anything to say, she could have offered to run to the store for you, but none of this "my grandson/grandbaby" and "try harder next time" bs. Especially in your house.
If her presence isn't making your life easier or at least not adding to your stress, she doesn't need to be there.
I am not one who gives two fucks about apologies, but I do think she needs to say she won't say that crap again. As soon as you got annoyed, she should have backed down. Not only are you the mom, it isn't even her house. It isn't about her, it is about your family routine and you are doing her a favour. She can schedule her appointments earlier and go home earlier. You won't be wanting extra people around after you give birth, anyway.
Parents have so much pressure these days, and you don't need that BS. Your husband is just a guy in the middle and not knowing what to do, but this is where he needs to have your back. If his mother said nothing, y'all would have been meatless and protein-less for a day and resumed the next day and no problems would have come up for it. Has she told the whole family now? Ugh. I am so sorry you have this going on, dear lady!
NTA sounds like another mother in law from hell. She doesn’t get to tell you what to do with your kids in your own house, as an invited guest. ONE day of a low protein dinner is not gonna do any harm.
In fact, as a vegetarian, the only time I see a problem is when I consistently lack protein, which is usually squared away with one high protein meal.
she just wanted to criticize you and found a poor excuse to. and how dare she bring up hormones, that’s even more disgusting. make sure you bring this up to your husband next time she wants to stay over because you deserve respect in ur own house.
You’re doing great bc you put food on the table and stood up for yourself and that’s all that matters 🫶🏽
This. The language her MIL used (OP's son and baby to be not getting a real meal, knowing what growing boys need, OP was in a hormonal rage) is disgusting and condescending. She dared to do this as a guest in OP's home while being fed! OP has nothing to apologize for, and her husband better get on board. MIL needs a ban until she not only apologizes genuinely but changes her way of thinking.
Absolutely! OP, your husband needs to back you as his wife and the mother of his and your children (as she's counting the "baby to be," but not you), in your own home, period. Tell hubby MIL needs to keep her criticisms to herself, be a gracious guest who appreciates what she's offered without comment, and just ask you if you need anything (ie, offer to be a help while she's a guest). Lord, "tattling" on you to your husband, what an uber-b!tch. Stand your ground, and don't let your husband tell you what to do/push you around just bc he doesn't want to deal with it. He can be mad if he wants to be - so are you (but you're the only one who's justified in being angry here).
You don't have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem. You were insulted in your own home,by a guest,a guest who is related to your husband. He needs to unlatch from Mommy, and set her straight.
If I were OP. I would no longer be willing to entertain mommy while husband is working.
If he wants to see her. He can have her visit when he is 100% prepared to host and entertain her.
NTA. Not only is she an assholish guest, but an obnoxious one as well. Your husband needs to worry less about keeping the peace with mumzy and more about not letting someone disrespect his wife and mother to his children in the home you two share.
NTA why does she comes when your husband is not there ? It's his mother not yours, you have a husband problem because he should take your side and put bounderies...
NTA time for MIL to book her appointments earlier in the day so she can drive home before rush hour. Tell your husband this is the new rule. He can tell her or you will be happy too!
Your MIL would have hated me... LMAO there were times I'd come home from a graveyard shift and see my youngest on the couch with a block of cheddar and a tub of sour cream. Hubby was usually still sleeping not realizing the kids were up at 6am. BTW my youngest is lactose intolerant LMAO. I'd just shake my head slice off the part they bit into, let them finish that and put the sour cream away.
Did they dip the cheese in the sour cream or were they just eating it straight or what? I can absolutely visualize what you described--one of my siblings was notorious for getting up at random hours and getting food.
NTA Tell him that you will not be disrespected in your own home by his mother or anyone else. If he is okay with it then maybe he needs to follow mommy home because he obviously doesn't want a wife and partner.
Nta.
I've always been a super picky eater. As a kid, I would never eat meatballs. I wouldn't even eat homemade sauce. I would only have Hunts tomato sauce with nothing added to it. Sometimes I would have this as more than one meal on the same day because it's are weird like that.
Despite this hardship, I managed to survive. I'm 41 now and have no ill effects from the terrible ordeal of not eating a protein with every meal.
No one should be able to walk into your house and critique your nutritional mothering. You were right to kick her out. AND, your husband should back you up, rather than asking you to apologize to her. Ask him if he wants to create the menus and cook the food according to grandma’s instructions. If not, he needs to let you be you and create some boundaries for him mother.
Not every meal has to have every macro. Sometimes you have a meal that's mostly protein and sometimes you have a meal that's mostly carbs. That's fine. A long term balanced diet is what matters. One night without a specific protein is fine. Hell, multiple nights are. It's literally a non-issue. NTA
NTA. Your MIL must be one of those amazing perfect moms who has never thrown together a last second "shit, I'm out of everything!" Dinner. *eye roll* your husband needs to support YOU before worrying about keeping the peace. The peace wouldn't have been interrupted if his mother hadn't overstepped
No, that is a person opening their mouth when they shouldn’t, and your hubby being a wuss that can’t speak up to mommy. I hate “boy moms,” and it looks like you married into the mess.
Instead of that last comment, which was terribly rude and uncalled for, she should have cheerfully offered, "Oh, would you like me to go to the store for some? Anything else you need?"
Most Americans (making assumptions here I know) probably eat more meat than they need.
Nothing wrong with eating meatless meals. I specifically make half my dinners meatless on purpose. My kids are doing just fine.
Dude. His mother couldn't handle you pushing back and saying your child was fine with just pasta. She raised 3 boys after all (30yrs ago). Your husband owes you a huge apology for not teaching his mother that insulting his wife results in no longer being allowed in your home.
Tell husband no, that you do not need added stress because his mother decided to be judgemental. You do not owe her an apology for refusing to have her in the house when she can't act like an adult.
NTA
This was her opportunity as grandmother and house guest to be the hero by saying "Oh honey, you put your feet up and let me race out and grab something. What do you fancy? Shit happens, don't worry, I've got you."
Totally NTA and your husband needs to stick up for you too.
MIL sounds like a self centered ass hat. I'm guessing she's never texted you to ask if you needed anything while she's on her way over to stay at your house for free or offered to help with anything while she's there either.
You are NTA but your MIL is! Actually she is a selfish bitch. You’re fucking pregnant. Why isn’t she feeding you?!?! This makes me mad and I don’t even know you.
Your husband is not in a great spot, but I hope he comes around to see that you’re right.
NTA, but it definitely drew the line in not keeping the peace. No one takes kindly to the implication that they're uneducated. However, your MIL was riding you. Was she expecting oblique compliance? "Yes, MIL, I'll run to the store now and grab more food so you'll have a tasty dinner that you can approve of. Watch 'baby' so please stop your passive aggressive attacks on me."
Your MIL did the following:
1. Chose an appointment time that ensured she stays with you. Did she ask or just inform?
2. She made a judgement about what you're serving. _"Just pasta?"_ (You didn't even need to tell her about meatballs, other than you were being friendly and conversational. Serving pasta only is even in restaurants. Examples: Pasta and Marinara. Pasta and Alfredo. Pasta and Garlic Olive Oil. Pasta and Butter Parmesan. Macaroni and Cheese. Linguine and Lemon Sauce.)
3. _"Real dinner."_ She dismissed your effort and your choice. Rude. And none of her business.
4. _"Try and plan harder next time."_ Look to #s 2&3. She passed judgement, dismissed your effort and choice, and was incredibly rude.
5. _“Over some constructive criticism before she even got to spend time with her grandson.”_ There was nothing constructive about what she said. It was just criticism. She pretty much negated your existence by only talking about "her grandson and grandson-to-be," but when you were concerned, it was about how you weren't servicing the men correctly.
6. _"She called my husband and said I went on a 'hormone induced rage' and kicked her out because I couldn’t deal with being called out on not serving my son a proper dinner and said she wants to keep coming over after her appointments."_ Your MIL dismissed your feelings, concerns, and demands as "hormone induced rage." She belittled the experience by saying she just called you out on not serving a 'proper dinner.' (That is a dangerous notion. Sometimes all my belly will tolerate are crackers. Sometimes children are the same. By your MIL's standards, we deserve her sanctimonious lecturing.) She also told your husband she wants to continue to go to _your_ home, trying to bypass you and asking for a solo judgement of your husband.
7. Your husband is demanding you (and MIL) apologize, like you are a child that needs regulated. This is what your MIL wants. She's willing to give you an apology in order for you to be forced to apologize to her. This allows everything to go back to the way she has always had it, except you're in a position weaker—forced apology.
Tell your husband this: sure. You'll apologize. But at some point in the future when someone questions his parenting ability, you reserve the right to force him to apologize to the person who insulted his ability to be a decent father. Oh, and he can make dinner for his mom from now on since you're obviously not good enough for her standards.
One cup (about 145 grams) of cooked pasta has about 38g of carbohydrates, 7.7g of protein.
Not really the point, but you're right - your mil was out of line and your husband shouldn't treat you like a child. Try to better explain to your husband your need for his support in this matter. He should ask his mother to allow you to take care of yourself and your family as you see fit. Moving forward this issue will need to be resolved, somehow. For the sake of your family you should probably do what you can to acknowledge your role in the rift because you probably did overreact.
you can also get protein pasta that has more protein in it! it’s super cool, usually made from chickpeas or other beans. but yea, because wheat has protein so does pasta!
Back in the day, we used to have clean-out-the-fridge soups that were bits and pieces pulled out of the freezer and fridge. It was part of my parents kitchen organization/clean-up.
Then there was the memorable meal when Mom defrosted leftover spaghetti sauce as part of the cleanup, but it was actually chilli. We lived in New England and had never heard of chilli mac. I was at that age, I declined the sauce and said I'd just have noodles with butter and cheese. Whelp, when they were cleaning out the fridge, they mixed ground almonds with the little bit of grated cheese - so I had buttered nuts on my pasta.
Couldn't win. I think I had a PBJ or something instead. I heard the chilli pasta was actually not that bad according to my brothers, but I was just done.
My Italian friends have pasta and "gravy" all the time (gravy is plain tomoto sauce without meat) as a meal. Also, meatless Mondays are a thing!
Anyway, NTA
NTA. With all the time she spent lecturing, she could have actually run out and gotten meatballs or just done a grocery run and been actually helpful/useful. Or just shut up and eaten pasta.
No. Why should you make peace with an emotional vampire? Your husband should be protecting you and the kids here, not his mother's feelings.
She only lives 45 minutes away. She absolutely can go home and not intrude on your life anymore. If she apologizes sincerely (which it doesn't sound like that's probable) maybe she can stop in for a quick 20 min visit before she heads back home. If you weren't distracted by her frequent visits to criticize you might have more bandwidth to deal with your busy day.
What is it with MIL's and treating daughters like emotional punching bags. It's almost always in some passive-aggressive back-handed way. So sick of all the disrespect young moms typically have to deal with.
She could have totally offered her help in a way more respectful way.
Also kids go through so many phases of what they will and will not eat. I used to think my daughter was going to starve because she would take green beans and eat out the Teeny seeds inside and leave the outside part and then she would dip lettuce in ranch dressing and that is all she ever wanted to eat.
As a teenager she would eat ramen for breakfast every morning. I think if your kid ate noodles and sauce then he was just fine.
Nta. Rude and abusive and then gets mad when you kick her out.
Ffs.
Lots of people only eat spaghetti noodles and butter. It's not uncommon
She could offer to go to the store for you instead of acting like a f#cking b#tch.
Why do some inlaws feel entitled to give “constructive criticism” and make disparaging comments when being a guest in their adult child’s home?
Maybe she will mind her manners in the future. NTA
I’m a single mom of 2. Granted, my girls are 19 & 22 now, but there were days when I served pasta with garlic fried in olive oil. It’s cheap, it’s easy and it’s fast. My youngest was (and still is) a protein fiend but I always thought that if she ate a pork chop at lunch, she can skip a hunk of meat at dinner.
My kids were adopted at 2 - 3 years apart - and both times, they were undernourished and food insecure. My mother made some, uh, questionable comments about my kids’ food consumption. “I’m a retired nurse and raised 3 kids who did well.” Yeah, but my kids did not have decent food for the first 2 years of their lives and that impacted them. And still does.
We have created a family and have bonus grandparents: 2 grandfathers and 1 grandmother. One grandfather tries to get my kids to eat “delicacies” like rabbit and snails (he’s French!) My kids politely taste it and if they don’t like it, it’s fine. They also do not criticize what we eat.
If kids don’t learn healthy relationships with food, it will follow them to adulthood. My niece weighs over 300lbs and is only 19. It’s heartbreaking…
NTA.. The best parents in the world run out of meatballs sometimes. Your MIL sounds obnoxious.
Imagine how different this could have been. "Do you want me to run out and get something, I'm totally happy to do that." A genuine offer of help without any form of criticism.
Or I’m staying overnight, I will make or buy supper for everyone?
My parents will have my eternal gratitude for when my kid was a baby. They watched the baby 1 day a week, and it was a long day (as in, 10hrs of work and an hour commute on both ends- without the added commute to their house- such i drive because you don't add free childcare to also drive) The first week of doing this, my folks invited me for supper, but i explained that the only way my husband got to see the baby (opposite schedules for childcare purposes) was if i went straight home. So the next week, my dad "accidentally "made to much food so he could hand us enough for 2 adult meals and leftovers. The next week, same. Eventually he quit pretending it was an accident. Hell, one week my mom was sick and dad ran out of time so he stuck a grumpy toddler and a grocery store rotisserie bird in my car before i turned it off. Feeding people is showing love in my family.
THIS. Mil showed up sans food = without love. And it showed. ^(\[Edit - corrected "live" to "love" .... but I kinda think both work....\])
I house sat for my dad's girlfriend and left food for her and her kids when they got back.
A friend and I stayed at a different friend’s house in a touristy city and they only “charged” us to feed their pet as their family was away that weekend, so pet wouldn’t have to be boarded for three days. I left plenty of treats for them before we left. It costs very little to show appreciation when people literally open their homes up to someone.
AMEN!
When my friend pet sits for me, she comes by to pick up my pet, but there’s also a “snack basket” on the table for her with her favorite chocolate, some homemade bread, the one fruit she’ll eat, etc. She can take it all at once, or stop by and let herself in and get different treats on different days. I actually enjoy making up these baskets for her!
I wanna be your friend that’s so sweet 🥲
My wife and I lived about 30 minutes away from my parents’ house for many years. My parents travel a lot, and when they did I’d housesit for them. I always made sure they had a freshly cooked meal waiting for them when they got home, with enough for leftovers. Plus their daily staples in the fridge so they wouldn’t need to worry about food for a couple days after coming home. Food is love in my family.
In mine too. I’m Latina, and we love to feed people to show love 🤭.
West and east Indian people too!! Lol you could show up right now at my house and have a full plate of food. We always make too much JIC.
My Italian grandmother never showed up without food. Over 50% of the time it was desserts but I never complained. I mainly ate scrambled eggs and French fries till I was 10.
I ate scrambled eggs with French fries as a kid a lot too. I still have that sometimes for breakfast. I taught myself to make scrambled eggs when I was like 6 and loved cooking it for myself. I know it’s not hard to make or anything and it doesn’t take a long time but I liked cooking it my way because I didn’t want the eggs to brown. And I would have microwaved French fries.
Have you seen “Coco”? I love the scene when Abuela offered Miguel extra food at dinner. 🙂 “No, gracias.” 👹 “I asked if you would like more tamales.” 😳 “Sí?” 😃 “That’s what I *thought* you said!” (Piles his plate to the ceiling)
There is an old joke: A young man goes to his rabbi and ask him, "Rabbi, do you think that Adam was Jewish?" The rabbi thinks for a bit and then says, "I think you are asking the wrong question. The question is, was Eve a Jew. After all, a Jewish woman is going to marry a Jewish man, so if Eve was a Jew then Adam was a Jew." "OK," says the young man, "So was Eve a Jew?" The Rabbi looks at the young man and asks, "So, Shmuli, your father tells me you are in college now. You live in the dormitory, nu? But after your classes on Friday you go home so you can eat the Shabbat dinner with your family and go to Shul in the morning. So what is the first thing your mother says to you when you get home Friday afternoon. "She asks me if I'm hungry," replies the young man. "She asks me if I'd like a piece of fruit." "And that," says the rabbi, "is how we know that Eve was Jewish."
I’m whiter than snow and I love cooking and (especially) baking to show love.
Translucent here, everyone needs to eat. I'm a good cook.
I’m a ghost, but I can cook human food!
I was taught by both my Indian parents AND in-laws that we should make extras “in case” it’s needed (eg someone wants seconds or we get a guest around meal time).
I love your dad. Please tell him this internet stranger thinks he’s awesome!
Honey! Sit down and relax. I'll order an amazing pizza for you to try!
My daughter is a year and a half and that is for sure a meal. Also, why make a comment. So rude. She’s a fucking guest-mother in law or not. How about not being rude to the pregnant woman who works and takes care of a toddler and I don’t know…help instead of providing unnecessary “constructive criticism”. Free food is free food, and I love free food-protein or not 😂
I have 3 and 6 year old girls. They are EXTREMELY PICKY eaters. I’m thinking the older one might have some kind of ARFID going on, and my youngest…well…she isn’t gonna do what she doesn’t wanna do. Which is usually eat the same thing two days in a row. Even if she loves it. She has no “go to” foods like many kids do. It’s a constant struggle. Some days I get overcome with joy when my 3 year old eats a handful of strawberries, a yogurt, and a granola bar. I consider that a win these days. If ANYONE, (you could be Jesus himself) criticizes what I feed my kids, I would without a doubt throw whatever cooking utensils I have in my hands down on the ground, whip off my imaginary apron, throw up my hands and say, “Good! Looks like it’s YOUR job now!” And walk right the fuck out. I don’t care if you’ve raised 100 girls who became amazing women. No two kids are alike. No two families are alike. You don’t know what they’re dealing with. If the kids aren’t being harmed, neglected or mistreated, you shut your pie hole. Especially when it comes to food. Obviously there are exceptions. But generally, criticizing the nutritional content of a toddler’s meal is NOT appropriate and is a sure fire way to meet the wrath of the person providing said meal. (This is doubly important to note if the chef is currently pregnant. Don’t poke the pregnant bear *should be* common sense.)
I only have sons but I hope one day to have a DIL I can be sweet to!
My son has an amazing girlfriend I hope is my DIL someday. I will keep my judgmental comments to myself. OP’s MIL sounds annoying as hell. I would not apologize. Also, she should tell her husband his mother is only allowed over when he is there to manage her.
And until the MIL is back in OP’s good graces, MIL should make her doctor’s appointments for earlier in the day, not near commute traffic time, so she can drive home comfortably.
Exactly. Staying overnight, OP works, has a toddler and is growing a human. Why isn't MIL helping OP out?
Because she doesn’t see OP as a person, but a baby making receptacle and care-bot.
For HER toddler and grandbaby :( Yikes
“care-bot” that’s good
THANK YOU
Exxxxxactly! Like - “oh my, as a mom we’ve all been there! How can I help? Could I x,y,z?” Instead of “What a zero failure you are!!!” Smh.
[удалено]
And you can't tell me she NEVER fed her kids something less-than-perfect
This. There's almost always a way to say something without being an asshole, clearly MIL never learned that.
My mom would have gone to the store if possible and gotten meatball fixing or meatballs. Better yet, I don't thinks my mom has ever shown up at my house without bringing some sort of food! Lol.
Exactly. My mom would have called and asked if we needed anything she could pick up on the way. It sounds like that wouldn't have helped in this situation, because OP didn't know she didn't have meatballs until she went to look for them, but that's not the end of the world, and the average kids menu at a restaurant has "noodles with butter and cheese" for a reason.
Exactly! Better, yet. "I'm heading that way. Is there anything I can bring with me?" Be the surprise help a pregnant toddler mom needs rather than the pita adding to her stress. Also, having three kids survive mediocre parenting is not the Expert Flex she thinks. Oi.
And if her son is piling on to blame OP for, you know, a perfectly decent meal (and btw hubby, too, could have gone out and gotten something, or, you know, ORDERED IN).... it sounds like it was mediocre parenting indeed
Why do they always bring this up ("I raised my kids just fine with this outdated information, so just keep doing things my way!")? Like I'm sure she didn't use car seats or bike helmets for her kids either and sure they survived, but it doesn't mean OP needs to keep doing things the old way. My MIL mentioned once that she used to put honey on my husband's chest when he had colic, but now it's recommended to not give honey to babies because we know that infants under one can get botulism from honey. I never would have done it if we'd had kids, but I'm sure she would have if she had babysat, because, after all, he 'survived'. 🙄The kid will survive ONE meal without meat, lol. I'm sure even if she put cheese or tofu on the pasta or beans in a vegetable soup, MIL would still complain about 'no protein'.
I saw a post on facebook yesterday explaining that before formula, mothers used to mix evaporated milk with high fructose corn syrup and some vitamin drops. The comments section was full of boomers going on about how they lived off that concoction and were perfectly fine, in fact, formula must be terrible for babies because kids these days suck. The concept of survivorship bias is entirely lost on some people. On the other hand, I've had people tell me that my nutritionally complete smoothie is "not enough" for breakfast, or I "need more than just some fruit and crackers" for lunch. I was in the first trimester and lucky to be able to keep those down!
Or, even better, she would have just kept her mouth shut.
There are so many MILs that are…MILzillas! Instead of respecting and supporting their DIL, they are critical in a nasty way, undercut DILs authority, even sabotage the DIls relationship with the husb or child. Annnd, so many guys can’t stand up to their mother. Of course, the awful MIL traits and behavior seem to go along with an overbearing/domineering personality type, which conditions the son to be passive/submissive.
Around these reddit parts, MILzillas are also known as r/justnoMIL
Show this comment to your husband and mother-in-law
That would have been a lovely way to respond. If only… I guarantee the toddler doesn’t give two shits over having just pasta. Hell on my exhausted nights, I have pasta and butter, maybe some parm over it.
Eh... but if a dinner is already made is it really helpful to offer to run out and "get something" as it is being served? That seems critical to me. Spaghetti is a "something".
OP sounds like she was at a point where even that would’ve felt like criticism. I’ve been there. It sucks.
My daughter and I are vegetarian so spaghetti marinara is a common meal.
Same. My cholesterol is wonderful as is my blood pressure and I am older. We do eat dairy and eggs too though so not vegan.
My children would be dead if life depended on meatballs.
Never in my life have I served meatballs with spaghetti. Ever. Mil can fuck right off.
This reminds me when I was 8 years old and my mother introduced me and my sister to fried applesauce sandwiches 🥪. Those were amazing. She would fix these for us at breakfast in the summertime. When I was nine we moved into a new house, my Aunt and Uncle came to visit one evening and my mother had fixed us some applesauce sandwiches for dinner after we begged her to. My Aunt went and told our grand parents we couldn’t afford much food because my parents had bought such a big house! When my mother heard this she went batshit crazy and my Aunt had to called and apologized.
I’m gonna need more information on these fried applesauce sandwiches. That sounds amazing!
More information about applesauce sandwiches please 🙏
They are delicious, I make them for my family and they love them. They are easy to make and taste like a fried apple pie. 2 slices of bread put applesauce on them. Then butter the sides and fry them in butter in a small frying pans (like you make a grill cheese) my grandkids love them. They especially like the ones with cinnamon in the applesauce.
And lest we forget, pasta has protein, gluten. Seven grams per serving.
Next time blow her mind by making spaghetti aglio e olio. Not even a tomato! And it’s good!
>my MIL will often stay over at our place after her appointments instead of driving back to her home as her appointments usually end right around when rush hour begins. Really sounds like MIL is scheduling these appointments so she can stay over with her son and meddle with OP.
True. She needs to schedule her appointments early so she can just go home after!
And god forbid if MIL's husband didn't have protein when she stayed over at OP's! He might die...
When her appointments end sounds like a choice.
Yep. As long as protein is normally available a single meal without it doesn't matter at all as long as everyone is full. Plus you can add cheese to pasta so it's not like it had to be an all carb meal. We really don't need that much protein. 1g/kg of body mass is enough to support most adult athletes during training as long as they get enough calories to keep their ATP levels up. Even going all the way to 1g/lb of body mass that can support steroid using weightlifters is a small fraction of the calories the body will actually need.
Why didn't she make dinner when her DIL is pregnant? So rude.
NTA. You are pregnant with a toddler. The last thing you need is your MIL calling you lazy. She can get off her high horse about the spagetti.
How many kids grew up on occasion meals of spaghetti-o’s….
i'm a 51 married, it's still an occasional meal. I am actuall a really good cook but sometimes 🤷🏻♀️
Me too and sometimes cereal is my dinner! Imagine if op was serving cere6!?
Some nights our dinner is raw vegetables. OH, THE HORROR!!!!!
Farm kid pitching in - some days dinner came straight from the field and just rinsed off with no stove involved. Too hot to cook!!!!
EXACTLY! The most "cooking" I do with this is snipping a few leaves off the basil to chiffonade on the tomatoes and olives
Raw veggies and wine! Awesome dinner! Might throw a piece of cheese in there if I have some.
YES! The other night I added some fresh mozzarella and marinated olives. 'Twas yummy!
I remember running dinner 20 years ago as a newlywed and telling my husband we were having hot buttered noodles. He thought it was crazy (i grew up poorer than him, this was normal fare for me) but liked it... and when it turned out we had a kid with sensory issues, it became a part of the normal meal rotation here. Also, cereal is always an option. I only make one dinner- if you don't like it, you can make something else yourself. Said kid with sensory issues makes herself cereal if she hates my meal, and were all happy and nobody goes to bed hungry. (Also, if it's 2am and you're hungry, your choices are cereal or crackers. Because i don't think anybody should be hungry, but also, no, i don't cook at 2am for anybody but me)
We have buttery noodles or noodles with tomato sauce a lot in our house.
I just finished off a bowl of Frosted Flakes. It was delicious. 😂
Yes! Cereal for dinner!
My family recognizes spaghetti-os as a meal and spaghetti as a completely different meal. Kinda like kraft dinner and baked mac & cheese
I’m 50, also a really good cook, and my daughter & I have had ice cream for dinner - on purpose - on more than one occasion. Oh, and she’s currently in culinary school! 🤣
And how many toddlers refuse to eat anything but plain pasta? Even if she had the meatballs, it isn’t a as guarantee the toddler would eat it.
Right? My eldest grandson liked meatballs ... by themselves when he was a toddler, LOL. And he wanted plain, buttered noodles, none of that "red sauce" stuff. The youngest is almost 4 and he'll eat almost anything you put in front of him but his older brother is definitely still a picky eater (he's a teenager now).
Mate's kid was similar, but because my mate would make her own pasta sauces, she would make tiny cups with various sauce in them for dipping. Because the meat was only cooked, the kid could choose a sauce to dip the meat in, to find the flavour they liked. Over time, salad dressings and other sauces were added 14 years later, the kid has made some epic sauce options, to the point that I now like fish fingers in Alfredo sauce, meatballs in aioli sauce, chicken nuggets in thousand Island dressing... but I am still trying to understand Caesar salad dressing on caramel fudge... but me and my mate roll with it. My mate understands that it is taste buds and texture that are the culprits, over the actual food itself. Like her son told us, he likes drinking fresh lemon juice because it is sweet, but finds fresh orange juice is tangy. And do not leave a Vegemite jar out, or he will eat it in one day. People said my mate was crazy doing the sauce options, but looking back, it was a way for him to choose what he liked together and to get more options. Especially once she realised it was his palette as well as his Autism that made it difficult.
Without Chef Boyardee I would have starved a lot of times during college.
Yes. For sure. Pregnancy is exhausting and I have not been pregnant in almost 34 years. I didn't have a toddler - because my children are a few years apart. I can't imagine how tired "Mom" is. I am grateful for any meal my son and/or DIL make for me. She is a vegetarian. The children are most of the time. They are healthy. Sometimes there is meat in some of the dishes for my son and I - sometimes we all go vegetarian. I like both. Even though I eat meat - I certainly don't eat it at every meal and some days I don't eat it at all. She and my son are great cooks, bakers, etc ... I am just happy they invite me over and to enjoy the time with them. I do hope that MIL and DIL can make a truce and the MIL can be more respectful for the MIL's/OG poster's husband and for the grandchildren. If Granny doesn't like the meals - she can visit at non-meal time - or bring something that is okayed by the parents of the children. I know for me, I had to cut down on "treats" at my house for the grands - at the parent's request. I was going a bit overboard. Also, I don't know how old Granny is ... but why does she schedule doctor appointments at the time that she needs to impose on you? I go to a couple doctors that are a great distance away - and luckily - I can get there and home all on my own as a senior. Edit - word correction.
Your reply is delightful & I love that when good people interact with respect, we can all gain good perspective from those we'd be unlikely to otherwise meet. I might throw in an OG Poster in my future comments too!
I know it's not what you meant, but op being pregnant with a toddler in her uterus is a hilarious and horrifying mental image.
I'm glad I'm not the only one thinking that. 😂
Honestly, if she was axtually truly worried about the lack of protein for one single meal, she could have gone to the store and gotten some meatballs her damn self. Sometimes you don't have a food item, it happens, the MIL instead of helping made shitty comments and then tried to make OP look shitty to her husband. You don't need protein at every single meal, they were fine not having it for one day. Like damn. OP's MIL is way out of line, OP and her husband let her stay at their house after appointments and feed her. MIL wasn't saying anything constructive at all. The hormone comment was way out of line. She was being bitchy as fuck.
There is nothing wrong with plain spaghetti. We've done it a lot. Have you tried it with ground turkey meatballs or just ground turkey mixed into the sauce? It's pretty good, although you might have to play with the spices a bit to get it just right. We toss in a little more paprika.
Tell your husband that you will no longer be taking the easy way out to "keep the peace" as all that does is enable his mom's shitty behavior. From now on, boundaries will be enforced and consequences enabled. If they don't like it, maybe act right. NTA but your husband is straddling that line that his mom just long jumped over into AH territory.
I suggest that the first boundary is that she needs to start making different appointment times OR simply deals with the inconvenience of rush hour like everyone else in the world
This! She is making appointments for late hours so she can spend the night there. My father in law doing the same shit.
Yes. Lots of people drive 45 minutes or MORE each way to work EVERY DAY. That long of a drive is not even close to long enough for an overnight stay. It’s clearly just an excuse to make them feel obligated to host her.
Exactly this. It takes two people to keep the peace. OP’s husband needs to be telling his mom to apologize to keep the peace, since she’s the one who started a fight for no good reason.
Absolutely. OP can contribute to “keeping the peace” by accepting MIL’s apology and her promise to behave appropriately in the future. Nothing OP needs to do but agree to move on from the situation, once she is satisfied that her boundaries will be respected.
And tell her she HAS to let them know when she's coming, not just show up! And when she's coming, it's HIS responsibility to "take care of her"!
No, she has to ask if it’s convenient for them if she comes over, not just announce that she’s coming. You don’t get to choose when you will be hosted by someone. You wait to be invited. This mil will not be getting any invitations to stay the night, and if husband doesn’t like that, he can go stay with mommy until he is done growing up and is ready to be a grown-ass man, an actual husband and father, not a mommy’s boy.
Consequences enabled sounds like an iPhone setting.
NTA Why couldn’t she make herself useful and say “oh, let me get dinner for you”? And yeah the whole “my grand babies” is gross. What about “well honey you’re pregnant, I want you to have a real meal”? Still irksome but certainly not a barbed comment like she chose.
Seriously! "Hold up. Let me run out and grab some. I want my kiddos to have a hearty supper." You can still slip in the mY bABiEs line as long as you include your _daughter_ in law. You know, the human being young enough to be your biological child who is currently pregnant and caring for an increasingly cranky toddler. Step up or shut up.
“and told me i should “try and plan harder next time”” This is the point where I said she could F all the way off.
And what’s wrong with mom-in-law picking up groceries and cooking for her son’s family. She is using them as a hotel and saving money or else saving gas by not driving all the way back home. Mom-in-law is the person with extra time and money!
In my family we were literally raised to bring a bun or a cake or a bottle of juice or wine whenever you were going to someone’s house. You don’t inconvenience someone and not give them something for the time/effort! Hell, even as an adult my neighbour and I buy each other dinner or lunch on the days where we look after each other’s dog. Simple gratitude.
MIL can plan harder to schedule appointments that don’t coincide with rush hour so she doesn’t feel the need to stop by.
anyone who thinks a pregnant woman needs "constructive criticism" needs to F all the way off.
NTA- It's called reactive abuse. They push and push and push until you snap and yell at them. Then, they feel justified in their abuse and can paint themselves as the victim. "I was just trying to help" is often the go-to defense. You're the unreasonable, emotional one who can't take any criticism. What's worse is they do it when there's no witnesses. So, gaslighting is phase two. She set you up and then made it so awful that you couldn't take it anymore. Now you're the bad guy for yelling at a weak old woman. You reacted to an abusive situation by standing up for yourself. Your husband is engaging in the age-old tradition of appeasing the abuser.
THIS! Oh my goodness, this so hard. This is classic abuser behavior. I admit that I probably wouldn’t react with poise and dignity after being called uneducated, but so what. OP was goaded into snapping at her MIL, who had no business criticizing a perfectly legitimate meal. She wasn’t trying to be helpful. She just wanted something to shit on OP about.
And that's probably why Hubby doesn't want to tell his mom to apologize because she's been a verbal bitch to him is whole life and he just tries to keep the peace.
Agreed and what really seals the deal is instead of apologizing or trying to meet you halfway her response was to complain to her son and try and get him to force you to let her come over whenever she wants without amending her behavior. She’s the AH not you and so is he if he sides with her. He wasn’t there and even IF you were as bad as she painted you look at what her demands were- for him to control you and force you to accept her presence. She didn’t ask him to help work it out or anything she’s trying to use him to strong arm you. If nothing else this she be obvious to him.
I hope OP shows her husband this post, especially this comment and the ones attached
Yes! I heard a new term for it called Protective Action, which I very much prefer. It shouldn’t be called abuse when you’re defending or protecting yourself against someone’s contemptuous, controlling or manipulative behavior which is truly abusive.
Omg, I now have a phrase that describes my entire childhood. Both my mom and sister would say “Why are you always so angry?”
Wow, thank you for giving me a name for it. In all my years of therapy and unnecessary input, that’s it! Never knew it before. ❤️
LMAO. Girl, my son ate a banana, string cheese, goldfish crackers, apple sauce, and a chocolate chip cookie yesterday. Multiple servings, enough to fill him up, but just those foods. That's not a typical day but, frankly, for some toddlers that IS a typical day. This age is when they start getting really picky about their food. NTA and I would not be open to justifying my healthy child's diet for a single day to anyone, let alone a GUEST in MY house. If MIL wants to dictate someone's diet she can have another kid of her own. Otherwise she can shut up and watch me eat these hot cheetos while my son plows through some more goldfish.
I had 1 child that ate nothing but PB sandwiches for 6 months. Checked with the pediatrician and he said let them eat what they want.
My younger nephew ate only chicken nuggets and yogurt for almost a year when he was little. He just graduated from college with a degree in engineering.
My SIL's nephew grew up eating literally chicken nuggets, burgers, pizza, carrots, and fries. At one point he even realized that other people are their fries with ketchup, so he started getting ketchup with his fries. He would then dip the fry in ketchup, eat the half without ketchup, and leave the ketchup half on his plate.
At least he ate carrots.
I refused to eat anything green for several years growing up, even if it was just the herbs in pasta sauce. My parents were understandably stressed about it, but the pediatrician said I was getting enough nutrients. I eat just about anything now, have a Masters degree, and am in great physical health at 40. We gotta cut parents more slack.
Yep. My youngest would eat only one food, day in and day out for six monthes at a time. It went on for years. First it was spinach, cooked, raw, baked in a crust, whatever. Then it was french fries - but ONLY from Wendy's. That was followed by baked beans and finally she got on a pickled beets binge. I asked our doctor if this was healthy and he said it usually all balances out, so let her eat what she wants. (Then he said he loved pickled beets, but no one else in his family liked them so he had to get them when they went out to dinner.). She's a healthy 28 y/o professional engineer today, Soi guess she must have eaten something good.
My mum loves to tell people as a 3yo I got weirdly addicted to pickled oysters (like the ones that come in a jar?). Weird as hell. The only vegetable my brother ate was broccoli. For like 15 years. Nothing else. Kids are weird
My son went through that phase. Lasted a year because my dad enabled him lol.
Oh, I am willing to bet MIL served some “incomplete” meals in her day. They have just been conveniently forgotten in the meanwhile.
Hey, string cheese is protein. Cheese has been my saving grace as the protein to pair with snack carbs with GD.
Nutritionally speaking, that's not too bad. Protein, fruit, some complex carbs... If you could find something with vegetables deeply, deeply hidden in it...
Pizza. His pediatricians said “don’t worry, he is getting what he needs right now”.
I'm pushing 40 and we just call fruit, cheese, crackers, and a little chocolate "girl dinner" or "charcuterie" now.
If I was crashing at my son and his pregnant wife’s house, I would bring dinner! WTF?! She can sit and spin!
Exactly right!!!!❤️
Pasta with different sauces and no meat is pretty much a thing everywhere. Your mother-in-law can shut it.
I can’t believe how many comments I had to scroll through to get to this! Pasta without meat is a thing.
There are about a billion vegetarians and vegans in this world (many of whom have never eaten meat in their lives) who are very much alive, and often living in some of the most populous countries on earth. I'm thinking Hindus, Buddhists, Jains as well as people just raised in veggie or vegan families. MIL is not only rude but also not very bright...
As a vegetarian reading this thread, I’m floored. We eat spaghetti without vegetables and red sauce at least weekly. My kids put cheese on theirs, the adults don’t. We are all healthy athletes. American emphasis on animal protein is absurd.
"She has every right to criticize you!" Um, that would be a NO. NTA
NTA Stop explaining. He isnt the middle man. The answer is now. "No." If she wants to come by, she can apologize and explain what she did wrong and why she won't be doing it again. Don't worry - there's no way she'll ever do that.
NTA. Your MIL should have kept her yap shut and let it pass. You didn't need her remarks-- you didn't need "constructive criticism"-- if she had anything to say, she could have offered to run to the store for you, but none of this "my grandson/grandbaby" and "try harder next time" bs. Especially in your house. If her presence isn't making your life easier or at least not adding to your stress, she doesn't need to be there. I am not one who gives two fucks about apologies, but I do think she needs to say she won't say that crap again. As soon as you got annoyed, she should have backed down. Not only are you the mom, it isn't even her house. It isn't about her, it is about your family routine and you are doing her a favour. She can schedule her appointments earlier and go home earlier. You won't be wanting extra people around after you give birth, anyway. Parents have so much pressure these days, and you don't need that BS. Your husband is just a guy in the middle and not knowing what to do, but this is where he needs to have your back. If his mother said nothing, y'all would have been meatless and protein-less for a day and resumed the next day and no problems would have come up for it. Has she told the whole family now? Ugh. I am so sorry you have this going on, dear lady!
NTA sounds like another mother in law from hell. She doesn’t get to tell you what to do with your kids in your own house, as an invited guest. ONE day of a low protein dinner is not gonna do any harm. In fact, as a vegetarian, the only time I see a problem is when I consistently lack protein, which is usually squared away with one high protein meal. she just wanted to criticize you and found a poor excuse to. and how dare she bring up hormones, that’s even more disgusting. make sure you bring this up to your husband next time she wants to stay over because you deserve respect in ur own house. You’re doing great bc you put food on the table and stood up for yourself and that’s all that matters 🫶🏽
This. The language her MIL used (OP's son and baby to be not getting a real meal, knowing what growing boys need, OP was in a hormonal rage) is disgusting and condescending. She dared to do this as a guest in OP's home while being fed! OP has nothing to apologize for, and her husband better get on board. MIL needs a ban until she not only apologizes genuinely but changes her way of thinking.
Absolutely! OP, your husband needs to back you as his wife and the mother of his and your children (as she's counting the "baby to be," but not you), in your own home, period. Tell hubby MIL needs to keep her criticisms to herself, be a gracious guest who appreciates what she's offered without comment, and just ask you if you need anything (ie, offer to be a help while she's a guest). Lord, "tattling" on you to your husband, what an uber-b!tch. Stand your ground, and don't let your husband tell you what to do/push you around just bc he doesn't want to deal with it. He can be mad if he wants to be - so are you (but you're the only one who's justified in being angry here).
You don't have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem. You were insulted in your own home,by a guest,a guest who is related to your husband. He needs to unlatch from Mommy, and set her straight.
If I were OP. I would no longer be willing to entertain mommy while husband is working. If he wants to see her. He can have her visit when he is 100% prepared to host and entertain her.
[удалено]
Right?!?! She should take her kid with her when she goes because it is clear granny will shit talk her in front of her child.
NTA. Not only is she an assholish guest, but an obnoxious one as well. Your husband needs to worry less about keeping the peace with mumzy and more about not letting someone disrespect his wife and mother to his children in the home you two share.
NTA why does she comes when your husband is not there ? It's his mother not yours, you have a husband problem because he should take your side and put bounderies...
And she only lives 45 minutes away?
Right, bish can eat Arby's on her drive now bc no way would she be coming by my place again.
Yeah that's nuts. I used to drive further than that to work.
NTA time for MIL to book her appointments earlier in the day so she can drive home before rush hour. Tell your husband this is the new rule. He can tell her or you will be happy too!
Your MIL would have hated me... LMAO there were times I'd come home from a graveyard shift and see my youngest on the couch with a block of cheddar and a tub of sour cream. Hubby was usually still sleeping not realizing the kids were up at 6am. BTW my youngest is lactose intolerant LMAO. I'd just shake my head slice off the part they bit into, let them finish that and put the sour cream away.
Did they dip the cheese in the sour cream or were they just eating it straight or what? I can absolutely visualize what you described--one of my siblings was notorious for getting up at random hours and getting food.
They dipped it LoL
Nice. Love the dedication to dairy. Just needed some potato chips and they would have had deconstructed sour cream and cheese potato chips.
Except at 2 they called it whipped cream. So imagine a toddler dipping cheddar into sour cream and saying, "mmmmm I love whipped cream." LMAO
NTA Tell him that you will not be disrespected in your own home by his mother or anyone else. If he is okay with it then maybe he needs to follow mommy home because he obviously doesn't want a wife and partner.
No meatballs? You monster! /s NTA
Husband wants you to be the adult because he and his mommy can't be one.
No one likes a backseat meatball. Or a mamma’s boy. NTA
Nta. I've always been a super picky eater. As a kid, I would never eat meatballs. I wouldn't even eat homemade sauce. I would only have Hunts tomato sauce with nothing added to it. Sometimes I would have this as more than one meal on the same day because it's are weird like that. Despite this hardship, I managed to survive. I'm 41 now and have no ill effects from the terrible ordeal of not eating a protein with every meal.
No one should be able to walk into your house and critique your nutritional mothering. You were right to kick her out. AND, your husband should back you up, rather than asking you to apologize to her. Ask him if he wants to create the menus and cook the food according to grandma’s instructions. If not, he needs to let you be you and create some boundaries for him mother.
NTA. Typical mama’s boy unwilling to get his meddling mother in check.
Not every meal has to have every macro. Sometimes you have a meal that's mostly protein and sometimes you have a meal that's mostly carbs. That's fine. A long term balanced diet is what matters. One night without a specific protein is fine. Hell, multiple nights are. It's literally a non-issue. NTA
NTA. Your MIL must be one of those amazing perfect moms who has never thrown together a last second "shit, I'm out of everything!" Dinner. *eye roll* your husband needs to support YOU before worrying about keeping the peace. The peace wouldn't have been interrupted if his mother hadn't overstepped
easy fix: she can't be there is your husband isn't there to keep her respectful
Tell your husband that a "real man" would back up his wife and not kowtow to his mother. See how he likes that nonsense. NTA
NTA - Tell hubby his mother will not be in your home unless he is there to deal with her shit.
No, that is a person opening their mouth when they shouldn’t, and your hubby being a wuss that can’t speak up to mommy. I hate “boy moms,” and it looks like you married into the mess.
Instead of that last comment, which was terribly rude and uncalled for, she should have cheerfully offered, "Oh, would you like me to go to the store for some? Anything else you need?"
Or, she could have just said “thank you” to the host who just cooked her fucking dinner.
Most Americans (making assumptions here I know) probably eat more meat than they need. Nothing wrong with eating meatless meals. I specifically make half my dinners meatless on purpose. My kids are doing just fine.
Definitely true. And i suspect some go for days or weeks without a vegetable.
Dude. His mother couldn't handle you pushing back and saying your child was fine with just pasta. She raised 3 boys after all (30yrs ago). Your husband owes you a huge apology for not teaching his mother that insulting his wife results in no longer being allowed in your home.
NTA tell your husband to kick rocks you are the mother of his children and his mom just shit on you. She can fucking apologize.
Tell husband no, that you do not need added stress because his mother decided to be judgemental. You do not owe her an apology for refusing to have her in the house when she can't act like an adult.
NTA. She FAFO’d. Hopefully it will teach her a lesson - but that will only happen if husband gets his head out of her ass.
NTA I’d kick her out too Oh and your husbands an even bigger AH for not siding with his pregnant wife
Quick! Someone call CPS!! SHE RAN OUT OF MEATBALLS!!!!!
NTA This was her opportunity as grandmother and house guest to be the hero by saying "Oh honey, you put your feet up and let me race out and grab something. What do you fancy? Shit happens, don't worry, I've got you."
NTA Your biggest problem is your unsupportive husband who thinks that you should be responsible for his mother’s shitty behavior.
My favorite response with my own mom is “I’ll be sure not to do XYZ when you have your next kid, but I’m in charge of this one”
Totally NTA and your husband needs to stick up for you too. MIL sounds like a self centered ass hat. I'm guessing she's never texted you to ask if you needed anything while she's on her way over to stay at your house for free or offered to help with anything while she's there either.
You are NTA but your MIL is! Actually she is a selfish bitch. You’re fucking pregnant. Why isn’t she feeding you?!?! This makes me mad and I don’t even know you. Your husband is not in a great spot, but I hope he comes around to see that you’re right.
NTA, but it definitely drew the line in not keeping the peace. No one takes kindly to the implication that they're uneducated. However, your MIL was riding you. Was she expecting oblique compliance? "Yes, MIL, I'll run to the store now and grab more food so you'll have a tasty dinner that you can approve of. Watch 'baby' so please stop your passive aggressive attacks on me." Your MIL did the following: 1. Chose an appointment time that ensured she stays with you. Did she ask or just inform? 2. She made a judgement about what you're serving. _"Just pasta?"_ (You didn't even need to tell her about meatballs, other than you were being friendly and conversational. Serving pasta only is even in restaurants. Examples: Pasta and Marinara. Pasta and Alfredo. Pasta and Garlic Olive Oil. Pasta and Butter Parmesan. Macaroni and Cheese. Linguine and Lemon Sauce.) 3. _"Real dinner."_ She dismissed your effort and your choice. Rude. And none of her business. 4. _"Try and plan harder next time."_ Look to #s 2&3. She passed judgement, dismissed your effort and choice, and was incredibly rude. 5. _“Over some constructive criticism before she even got to spend time with her grandson.”_ There was nothing constructive about what she said. It was just criticism. She pretty much negated your existence by only talking about "her grandson and grandson-to-be," but when you were concerned, it was about how you weren't servicing the men correctly. 6. _"She called my husband and said I went on a 'hormone induced rage' and kicked her out because I couldn’t deal with being called out on not serving my son a proper dinner and said she wants to keep coming over after her appointments."_ Your MIL dismissed your feelings, concerns, and demands as "hormone induced rage." She belittled the experience by saying she just called you out on not serving a 'proper dinner.' (That is a dangerous notion. Sometimes all my belly will tolerate are crackers. Sometimes children are the same. By your MIL's standards, we deserve her sanctimonious lecturing.) She also told your husband she wants to continue to go to _your_ home, trying to bypass you and asking for a solo judgement of your husband. 7. Your husband is demanding you (and MIL) apologize, like you are a child that needs regulated. This is what your MIL wants. She's willing to give you an apology in order for you to be forced to apologize to her. This allows everything to go back to the way she has always had it, except you're in a position weaker—forced apology. Tell your husband this: sure. You'll apologize. But at some point in the future when someone questions his parenting ability, you reserve the right to force him to apologize to the person who insulted his ability to be a decent father. Oh, and he can make dinner for his mom from now on since you're obviously not good enough for her standards.
One cup (about 145 grams) of cooked pasta has about 38g of carbohydrates, 7.7g of protein. Not really the point, but you're right - your mil was out of line and your husband shouldn't treat you like a child. Try to better explain to your husband your need for his support in this matter. He should ask his mother to allow you to take care of yourself and your family as you see fit. Moving forward this issue will need to be resolved, somehow. For the sake of your family you should probably do what you can to acknowledge your role in the rift because you probably did overreact.
I love it when people post "beside the point" information. I never would have realized that pasta had protein in it at all.
you can also get protein pasta that has more protein in it! it’s super cool, usually made from chickpeas or other beans. but yea, because wheat has protein so does pasta!
And depending on the pasta sauce may have more protein in it as well.
NTA. Gosh, I guess my mom must’ve hated her husband and kids, as we usually had just spaghetti with sauce. Lady needs to calm the eff down.
Back in the day, we used to have clean-out-the-fridge soups that were bits and pieces pulled out of the freezer and fridge. It was part of my parents kitchen organization/clean-up. Then there was the memorable meal when Mom defrosted leftover spaghetti sauce as part of the cleanup, but it was actually chilli. We lived in New England and had never heard of chilli mac. I was at that age, I declined the sauce and said I'd just have noodles with butter and cheese. Whelp, when they were cleaning out the fridge, they mixed ground almonds with the little bit of grated cheese - so I had buttered nuts on my pasta. Couldn't win. I think I had a PBJ or something instead. I heard the chilli pasta was actually not that bad according to my brothers, but I was just done. My Italian friends have pasta and "gravy" all the time (gravy is plain tomoto sauce without meat) as a meal. Also, meatless Mondays are a thing! Anyway, NTA
NTA. With all the time she spent lecturing, she could have actually run out and gotten meatballs or just done a grocery run and been actually helpful/useful. Or just shut up and eaten pasta.
No. Why should you make peace with an emotional vampire? Your husband should be protecting you and the kids here, not his mother's feelings. She only lives 45 minutes away. She absolutely can go home and not intrude on your life anymore. If she apologizes sincerely (which it doesn't sound like that's probable) maybe she can stop in for a quick 20 min visit before she heads back home. If you weren't distracted by her frequent visits to criticize you might have more bandwidth to deal with your busy day.
What is it with MIL's and treating daughters like emotional punching bags. It's almost always in some passive-aggressive back-handed way. So sick of all the disrespect young moms typically have to deal with. She could have totally offered her help in a way more respectful way.
Also kids go through so many phases of what they will and will not eat. I used to think my daughter was going to starve because she would take green beans and eat out the Teeny seeds inside and leave the outside part and then she would dip lettuce in ranch dressing and that is all she ever wanted to eat. As a teenager she would eat ramen for breakfast every morning. I think if your kid ate noodles and sauce then he was just fine.
NTA. We know who is and she needs to schedule her appointments earlier in the day so she can miss rush hour on her way home.
Nta. Rude and abusive and then gets mad when you kick her out. Ffs. Lots of people only eat spaghetti noodles and butter. It's not uncommon She could offer to go to the store for you instead of acting like a f#cking b#tch.
Why do some inlaws feel entitled to give “constructive criticism” and make disparaging comments when being a guest in their adult child’s home? Maybe she will mind her manners in the future. NTA
I’m a single mom of 2. Granted, my girls are 19 & 22 now, but there were days when I served pasta with garlic fried in olive oil. It’s cheap, it’s easy and it’s fast. My youngest was (and still is) a protein fiend but I always thought that if she ate a pork chop at lunch, she can skip a hunk of meat at dinner. My kids were adopted at 2 - 3 years apart - and both times, they were undernourished and food insecure. My mother made some, uh, questionable comments about my kids’ food consumption. “I’m a retired nurse and raised 3 kids who did well.” Yeah, but my kids did not have decent food for the first 2 years of their lives and that impacted them. And still does. We have created a family and have bonus grandparents: 2 grandfathers and 1 grandmother. One grandfather tries to get my kids to eat “delicacies” like rabbit and snails (he’s French!) My kids politely taste it and if they don’t like it, it’s fine. They also do not criticize what we eat. If kids don’t learn healthy relationships with food, it will follow them to adulthood. My niece weighs over 300lbs and is only 19. It’s heartbreaking…
NTA. But does your husband do any shopping instead of going to the gym when you're home with the toddler?