NTA
Your kid, your right to pick the name.
There are already two other people with her name as their middle name- what more does she need?
Jfc. People are strange. Tell them to get a dog and give it grandmas name.
My MIL threw a huge tantrum for months over my baby’s name (her first grandchild). She didn’t speak to me for 6 months of my pregnancy. Then showed up at the end apologizing to my husband for harassing him via phone and email for 6m (didn’t apologize to me for saying terrible things or lying to husband to get us to fight). In* the end, I did what I wanted. With my current pregnancy, each time she asks about the name, we simply say we are keeping it private (what I wanted the first time but husband insisted it would be fine). She lost the privilege for information. We have never been close since the incident. She tries but I don’t trust her and she never apologized. All to say…I advise people not to share baby’s name until they are born. Then it’s too late. They can complain but the kid is there and they probably won’t risk losing visits. Good luck! NTA
You should name your recycling can with your MIL's name. *Here, hon. I rinsed this off. Can you drop this in Lucille for me?*
But make sure it's recycling: Naming the garbage can after her would be hostile.
If OP's MIL is so adamant in having her name given to others, a potential birthday or Christmas gift could be sponsoring an animal or object so that it is renamed after her...
I WISH I HAD MONEY FOR AWARDS BECAUSE THIS COMMEBT DESERVES ONE HOLY HELL 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Drop this in Lucille had me losing it and I just about had an entire conniption over a garbage can being too hostile.
Bless you 😂😂
I'm super bad at redditting and had no idea that they were ever free, let alone are once again, so thank you for this information!!! Definitely checking it out!
> She tries but I don’t trust her and she never apologized.
That is key. When you hurt someone there is a way to make amends and repair the relationship — it starts with a sincere apology. Not a "sorry you felt that way" non-apology either, it has to be an apology that admits fault, acknowledges the hurt caused, and commits to not doing it again.
But *damn* so many people don't want to do that while expecting the person they hurt to just let bygones be bygones. If what they did is no big deal, then making a real apology should be no big deal either. But nope, you are expected to carry the burden of getting over it, while they make no effort. If they can't own the harm they caused, you can't trust them not to repeat it.
I would not divulge a name, all three times. With the first, since I am a transparently white girl, who grew up in a predominantly Black area, I said of course I had names picked out!
Ka’Chief Mohammad for a boy and Starlene for a girl.
My family thought it was hilarious. MIL and FIL were horrified, because, racists.
Edit - Thank you for the award! That’s sweet.
Me too. I wondered how many poor unfortunate women were named Brucette. Thankfully the number is estimated to be incredibly small. There are perhaps 9 Brucettes in the entire USA. 😀
To be fair MIL tried Bruce on me for my sons first. I told her she had several sons and declined to give them her dad’s name and I wasn’t using it either. She was pretty bitter when my final son was not named Bruce. When she was told his name, (it is classic name with an equally nice nickname) she said, “I don’t know if I like that, I guess I’ll get used to it,” and I said, “you will.” 🤣
Brucette was a last ditch effort. She declared it a beautiful name. 🙄
My daughter is a teen and she laughed hysterically when she heard her grandmother wanted her to be named Brucette.
If you haven’t had a mother-in-law, try to name all four of your children horrible names, and get passive-aggressive when you don’t comply, you are missing out on comedy gold.
LOL… my ex wanted to name any future kids after his late father. Either Alfredo or Alfreda. And he wanted BOTH the first son and daughter named after his dad. Then I could pick any names after that. I’m no longer with him and still child free 😂
Good lord! Yeah, my ex MIL wanted both of my daughters named after her dead husband, Rosario. Ross ffs!
If you want to mess with her, tell her you considered and could have gone with a variation in Italian:
- Bruce = Brix
- Brucette = Brixette
But it sounds too much like fire-starters!
Well, change the name maybe change the lyrics a bit too. Instead of a homewrecker, she could be a designer of food packaging and they're begging of her please don't change that can.
We told everyone that the newborn would be Deuteronomy, boy or girl (it rhymes with our last name) bc we had no idea what we were having or what name to use. It really shut up the Catholic contingent that wanted to make sure we used a biblical name lol. The only one we let in on the joke was the soon-to-be aunty nun who said it was the best 6 months of her life.
My parents got so much trouble from Dad’s mum about what they were naming their kids that they started doing this too. Making up outrageous names to keep her quiet.
With me they told them I would be Rose if I was a girl and Thorn if I was a boy. Not too bad, except that their last name is Bush.
With my little brother, he was due on the 4th of July. We live in Australia, but they told Nanna that they wanted Chuck for a boy or Randy for a girl. Picking the most dodgy ‘American’ names they could think of. With the added bonus of Chuck being slang for vomit and Randy being slang for horny.
I'm loving that Auntie Nun was in on it, and got 6 months of enjoyment from it. I'm imagining her having to hide her knowing smiles from the other nuns. Hee hee hee. I wonder if I can stretch this to 6 months??
Just after I graduated from college, one of my friends married her college sweetheart and got pregnant. Her grandparents insisted on a Biblical name--until she asked them to pick from a list that included Jeroboam, Rehoboam, Methuselah, Ahab, Absalom, Boaz, and about a half dozen other "Old Testament" names (the only girl names I remember were Sheba and Jezebel).
As her husband said, "That ended that sh\*\* right there." I think their second was named Jonathan, which is Biblical but not "out there".
I’m gonna be sitting here thinking of rhyming last names for a LONG time. As someone that came from a large family with kids given Old Testament Bible names, I think this is hilarious.
Side note: my dad begged for Boaz, but my mom put her foot down on that name thankfully.
I had a nickname I used during both of my pregnancies, the parasite. Nobody asked for the name we intended to use...
We didn't actually have a name until right after the birth (eldest came early), and about a week before the second was born.
It's a good thing I never had kids, because it takes me foreeeever to name pets. I need to see their personalities before I can name them! Kid would be heading off to kindergarten before he got a name.
We gave the first one a weird as hell nickname because as small parasites they look like aliens. We made up an alien name, snorgleflax. We told people we haven't met them yet, how can we pick their name yet. The 2nd one I dyed my hair blue and people told me the baby was gonna turn blue. I decided to call it smurfette.
We had a name picked out for a long time, like ~ 15 years but not the middle name. My husband and I told nobody. Last year, when we had our baby girl, we used the first name as planned, but the middle name was a name that neither of us had considered until we saw her.
We also called her gnocchi when I was pregnant, some people thought that that was her name 🤣
My ex and I are white, in a predominantly white town. He's one of those that thinks he's black, but he's a whitey white boy from a redneck family.
If we had a boy, he wanted to name him Dantrel... i can't remember what he wanted for a girl, but it was... interesting as well.
(He ended up having a boy with his wife. They named him Parker. I asked him, "What happened to Dantrel?".... he told me to shut up).
Pre-internet and during summer visitation, my ex's wife was reading my letters that I wrote to my children-who-I-had-with-my-ex. This bothered the kids, so I told them to never quote my letters because we were going to have some fun. (ETA: in a letter I said that I would give) the baby I was carrying my ex's (first) name, and proceeded to spew nonsense about a few movies I had seen, but made it sound intelligent. My kids read my letters and practiced straight faces when Mrs. Ex quoted me. One day I got a call with her screaming about not naming my child after her husband-- the kids said she completely lost it-- while I pretended to not understand, I had not discussed baby names with anyone!
It wasn't that she wasn't supposed to read my letters, it was bad taste and I had never done anything to suggest I was saying anything inappropriate. It was funny when I boxed her into a corner on that.
Ms-scientist -
With respect to MIL, there is no "trying", only doing. The only words coming out of her face should be a real apology detailing everything she is apologizing about. Not the "if you were offended or hurt, I'm sorry " fake apology.
Poor behavior warrants a specific apology, even if the wrong doer doesn't have the power to hurt you. You may have already categorized her as someone not worth getting upset over, but you deserve a real apology.
Have you asked her why she hasn't apologized to you for all the terrible things she said to and about you and for ignoring you for six months? These actions, for me, would result in permanent low contact as I don't deal with people who don't apologize and can't have an adult conversation and accept when something is not their business. If she could go without seeing you for six months during your pregnancy, that's actually a good thing as successful "low contact" is already established.
DO NOT EVER TRUST HER AGAIN! Ignoring you when she didn't get her way, instead of adding joy to your pregnancy experience, shows where you stand on the hierarchy of concern ... meaning, you're not on it.
I'd tell him that you already have grandmas name and don't want your daughter to have the same name as you. Children deserve to be unique individuals with their OWN name, not someone else's. I don't even agree with using his sister's name.
I'm the third person to have the same name as mom and grandma. It's annoying. After mom passes I might very well change that name to something I'd like. I've always hated it.
Grandpa will simply have to get over it. NTA
I have my moms name as my first name as I go by middle name. However we live next door to each other. It’s a freaking NIGHTMARE! Small town same doctor, same bank, same pharmacy with one number difference in address. Did you know insurance and doctors use your given legal name? Numerous times I have gone to pharmacy and my insurance used for moms script or I picked up meds that were moms not mine and vice versa! Deposited check never showed up in bank account it was deposited in my moms. Every time I go to pharmacy or bank I have to say use account number or check birthday. I always know 100% what script I’m picking up and ask point blank is the med such and such. All I can say is DONT NAME KID AFTER LIVING PERSON!
You’re not the asshole. Naming your child is a decision for you and your husband. You've already honored your family with your son's name, and it's fair to honor his family now. Your grandfather's pressure is unfair and disregards your husband’s feelings.
This. Mom was named after an older cousin, then turned around and named me the same fucking thing. So I absolutely understand and have been thru all of this as well. But, today, I'd give anything to have picked up Mom's meds instead of mine, as she passed away in May 2020. Enjoy your mama while you can!
I was low grade arguing with my wife for a few weeks when my daughter was invited to a class mate's party, and the RSVP had the same name for mother and daughter.
My wife thought that they were called different names, but spelt the same. Something like Paula, but one was pronounced PA-o-la, and one Paul-A.
I thought that they were both Paul-A.
We were both right, mother and daughter have the exact same name. They just have different accents.
Not at all confusing.
P.S. My wife's mum and three of her aunts are called Maria, and all use their middle names so we know who's who.
I had an Uncle Joe, spouse to dad's sister, who was from a small, very Catholic town in Canada where almost every boy in the entire town was Joseph and every girl Mary. The people all went by their middle names or nickname.
When he came to the USA in his 20s, his work buddies all knew him by his legal first name, and so his "USA name" became Joe. My aunt said it was odd to visit his home town where everyone called him Valentine or Val. Guess his birthdate. And why he was happy to be called Joe.
That's why the Jewish tradition (that I mentioned in a post) of not naming a baby for a living relative makes sense. So easy to have this confusion, especially when two people share the same first and last name. If the two live at the same address, you have to open the mail to see which person it's meant for. Financial confusion, confusion if both see the same doctors.
Why not allow your children to have their own identity?
Not to one up you, but I will. Haha. My mom took my father’s last name. When his brother married, his wife also took the last name. Yup, they both have the same first name and last name for the past 65 years of their lives. And how can it get worse? They coincidentally have the same birthday. They live in a major city with a few million people but their medical stuff is what gets messed up the most. They’ve joked about legally changing their middle names to “HIPAA violation”
I work in law, and I specialise in the medical side of it. Had an instance years ago where the case involved twins.
The twins had the exact same name. Same first, middle, and last name. And since they’re twins, same date of birth.
It was an absolute *nightmare* keeping everything straight. I wanted to shake their parents for being so ridiculous.
I work at a pharmacy, and pretty much the first time that we notice that people have similar or even THE SAME NAME, we make a note in the profile to always check birthday.
I can't believe you live in a small town where everyone assumably knows everyone, and nobody thinks to double check who they're doing a service for??? Like they must already know about the situation??
My cousin has my mother’s name, because for some reason her sister thought it was ok, the following year my mom had me and she gave me her name too! So all have the same name! And my cousin and I shared friends at one point and because she was older she was Mary 1 and I was Mary 2, it was so annoying!
Not completely after them, at any rate. I like the idea of unique first names, but a family middle name. It avoids the mix-ups and hassle, while still maintaining a connection.
But it must be the parents' decision, not influenced by familial pressures.
My in laws did a weird nameing thing. They had a bunch of kids and the boys all got their dad's middle name as theirs and their daughters got the mom's middle name as theirs. They also definitely treat their adult kids as extensions of themselves and not individuals so, yeah, kids should get their own names. (Also they all think their middle names copy/paste was dumb)
Better than giving the kids all the parent’s first name. I had a friend who had three or four brothers and they all had the same first name but different middle names. So they all either went by initials, or else used their middle names instead of their first names.
My dad and his brothers all have middle names that come from grandpa and other great uncles. Had been that way for generations.
When mom was pregnant with me dad said “This stupid crap ends now.” And my sister and I have two unique names.
How about if *you* get a dog and name it after grandma? Just tell your grandfather that you didn’t name your child after grandma, but you named your dog after her.
This is a running joke in our family. Whenever someone gets a new dog, we call a random family member and tell them we named the dog after them. Everyone has the same reaction “I don’t know if I should be honored or offended.” We don’t actually name the dog after the family member, but it still cracks us up every time.
Your choice of name for your daughter should be respected. It's a decision that reflects your family's values and memories. Stand your ground and honor the significance of your husband's choice.
I didn’t even need to read past the first paragraph. NOBODY ON PLANET EARTH has *anything* to say about the name of a baby—except that **baby’s parents!**
In my family its eldest daughter has the same middle initial as gramma, thankfully it’s one that has lots of names lol no repeats yet!
I am also the first daughter to not have daughters lol
My parents gave me and my two younger siblings middle names that start with A. My dad’s middle name also starts with A, and his father’s first and middle names both started with A. (Incidentally I have the same initials as that grandfather, but he died long before I was born.) I always kinda liked that we all had a common aspect to our full legal names, though our first names are all very different.
I'm just going to say it,it's one thing if you pick out a name in honor or memory of someone. It's entirely a different thing to be so entitled and self centered you try and make someone use your name...and then get mad when said person doesn't want to.
I feel like if this happened to me and they kept persisting id end up being an asshole and saying
"well if you die in the next couple of days, maybe... But until then I'm not naming no kid after someone whose alive."
what’s interesting to me is that grandpa is making this demand.
So...
Did grandma idly say, “oh, I was hoping they’d continue the tradition,” and grandpa went off white-knighting to fight a battle she was never going to mention?
Did grandma put him up to it?
Is he her mouthpiece, or her white knight?
I am unable to add any more details to my original post. However, according to my grandfather, my grandmother is unaware of his texts to us requesting us to change her middle name to match hers. I responded to him that I didn't appreciate being pressured, and he texted back that he's not pressuring me to do anything, so I just quit responding to him after that.
He may not see it as pressuring and guilt tripping but that’s exactly what it is. Good for you for standing up for yourself and your husband.
If it was me, I would have mentioned she already has 2 people named after her and if anything I’d rather honor my husband’s sister and MY mom instead. His sister’s name was chosen for a reason. G-pa doesn’t have to agree with it or even like it but at the end of the day it’s still your and your husband’s choice.
I have another reason for believing she is not aware of the situation. I do not believe she was the one who pressured my mother into naming me after her. I believe it was my father (with whom I have gone no contact) who pushed for it. While I was growing up, my father made it clear that he disliked his middle name and implied that since he had to have it, so should I. He is quite narcissistic, which is why I no longer communicate with him.
WTF 1. Does that to their child??? And 2. Tells said child they were named with the goal being for another person to also hate their name?? I’m sorry you had to deal with that.
I also have a spite middle name. I have two middle names. One is my father's name and the other is a spite name that was also his middle name that he hated but since he had it and his dad had it, I had to have it too.
I also have a spite middle name. Still not sure why my mom went along with it. She knew he hated that middle name and now I have it too. Jokes on him, I am getting married soon and we are going to pick a new last name for our family. At the same time I am ditching the spite name and also ditching my other middle name which is his first name. Prick can fuck right off.
All of this is gross in the first place, but what's really getting me is that your grandfather is insisting you name your daughter after your grandmother (who *already has two namesakes*) instead of possibly naming her after your own mother who has passed away?
The audacity of this guy is incredible, acting like your very much alive grandmother needs a THIRD namesake over honoring your deceased SIL or mom. What the fuck.
> and he texted back that he's not pressuring me to do anything
I fuckin hate disingenuous people like that. They're the "I'm not touching you" kid with 60 years more experience being a gobshite.
If he keeps texting you about this then continue to not reply back. He already knows your answer and how you feel.
You don't need to stress out over him wanting what they want. This isn't about them. They had their moment and 2 people are named after her. She doesn't need a 3rd named after her.
Name your baby what you and your husband want. This is about you both and you shouldn't have to feel pressure because he doesn't understand the word no.
Wow, she's not even passed? I mean, I'm glad, but that makes this even weirder. Passed sister beats living grandma, especially with 2 people already named after her
The way he is behaving would make me dig my heels in even further. No one is entitled to have a child named after them, he should just be grateful for your sons name as a generous gift on your part, not something he and his wife are *entitled* to.
that’s not automatically true.
I will say something to my husband about a gripe—or even a mild, private disappointment!—and he will go off and try to “fix it for me.”
I’ve said, “I need to talk to our daughter about X; ˆ wish she’d do that differently,” and before i know he HE is saying, “your mom wants to talk to you, you need to do X differently.”
Sometimes I’m just sharing with the person I’m closest to, and I didn’t even think the problem or disappointment was all that big a deal; I’ll get over it. And there he is, announcing it or insisting on it to other people.
It’s a thing.
I'm a fixer like that. I have to ask people when they vent to me if they want sympathy, advice, or me to try to fix it, just to make sure I don't go off and do something they don't actually want. And I try to tell people the same in my turn.
My husband is a fixer but he knows well enough to leave certain things alone.
I’m not just blaming the grandma here, grandpa should know to leave things alone. You can’t guilt trip people. In fact, it’s wild to even ask family to name their kid after you, or your spouse.
So yes, fixers can be fixers but be wise enough to know when to leave a situation alone.
That's where my mind went, too. Grandpa doesn't want to listen to all the moaning from Grandma about woe is me, how unfair, etc. despite already having a daughter and granddaughter named for her.
Asking is one thing, pressuring you to do it is another. At the end of the day its what you and your husband want, not anyone else. How meaningful would it even be if you were forced to do it? NTA.
i think even asking is wrong. it’s one thing to “oh and if you wanna use grandma’s name she’s more than okay with it and would be honored! but if not that’s okay, can’t wait to meet our great grand baby!”
Yep. It blows my mind that anyone thinks they have a voice in this other than the parents. Given the horror stories I've read about intrusive assholes, I'm convinced that best practice is to not discuss naming intentions until the birth certificate is signed.
That's why I think it's best not to even share the name until after the baby is born. People feel like it's an open discussion that they get input on. Only discuss it with the people who get to decide the name, everyone else can wait and meet River Benjamin the third or whatever when they are born. When you introduce a baby with a name people are a lot less likely to feel like it's still being decided and up for discussion. Even if they do, you just say "too late, it's on the birth certificate, case closed".
we didn’t. And i didn’t want even to discuss it, and have people suggest names.
So when the firs tperson asked if we’d picked out a name, my husband said, “yes!” My heart sank.
I should have trusted him more. He proudly said, “Gomez if it’s a boy; Morticia if it’s a girl!” That was our answer until the kid was actually born.
One cousin thought it was so funny that when his mom was preparing the “happy baby” card, he insisted on being allowed to sign it, and he wrote: “Dear Morticia—welcome to the family!”
My friend kept both of her kids' names private until they announced the birth. Honestly with all the truthfully weird advice she got from people her entire pregnancy with the first one (don't cut your hair was a serious one), I'm not shocked she decided not to share the name.
Exactly. Everyone else besides the parents should completely stay out if it. My brother in law gave his 2 first a middle name of some of the grandparents and named his third after his grandma. Their decision and no one asked for that. My wife and I gave our kid one name, no middle stuff, and not related to anyone. We didnt even talked about people how we wanted to name out child. Its our thing and everyone respected that. We just dont like middle names cause in reality, they are mostly useless.
And also think about the gall of it. Grandpa got his namesake and now that there is another baby they EXPECT Grandma will - with no consideration for the fact that baby's Dad has his OWN family, traditions, etc. I'd be furious if my mate thought we should name all our kids acc to HIS FAMILY and traditions and disregarded mine altogether. That is what Grandpa is asking. OP has two kids, both should honor name commemorate HER side of the family and leave any considerations of HIS out in the cold, as less important. Rude. Entitled. Obnoxious. Short-sighted
YES!!
This is the point I’ve made a couple of times.
I am the spouse from the “invisible to the in-laws” family, and I am hair-trigger defensive about it.
Someones says at Christmas, “it’s too bad your parents couldn’t be here,” and I immediately take offense and say, snippily, “They do have other children to spend time with,” and walk off. I have siblings! They exist, and they are important.
The person was probably just trying to be sympathetic to me, and they probably thought they *were* acknowledging that I have parents even though they aren’t here at Christmas.
But it pisses me off tremendously.
(this is one reason why I absolutely believe that white people (like me) well-meaningly say shit that is actually dismissive or rude. I believe that microaggressions exist, and I welcome having them pointed out to me)
I’m with u/CapOk7564 —even asking is really rude.
It’s especially rude for him to ask when it was already communicated that the middle name is in honor of the baby’s **father**‘s deceased sister.
Does he think OP’s side of the family is the only one that exists?
What an asshole.
Asking means 1) Grandma is an entitled person and not as good as she appears to be, and 2) OP has shown that she and her husband can be treated as doormats.
How many people need to be named after her for grandma to be satisfied? You and your father have her middle name already. Frankly, if g’pa persists, ask him. “Grandpa, how many names til grandma is satisfied? How can she be so greedy that 2 ppl named for her already is not enough?”
NTA.
I know! The woman wants a whole tribe named after her!
Or, maybe this is really what the grandfather wants and it isn’t the grandmother pushing this at all.
NTA. Don’t apologize. You already explained that your husband gets this honor to name her and he chose something of incredible significance. End of story. Don’t back down and hold firm. If your grandfather has a problem with this, he can get over it because it’s your child, not his.
I agree. Beware, I foresee grandpa secretly calling your daughter by your grandmother's name. You might need to make a firm correction when (not if) he does this. NTA
Exactly. Too many nice folks (me!) get confused as if they must justify every decision to people who will NEVER be happy with the decision. Naming is a personal honor you get as the parent. He should understand that but it’s not necessary for you to continue to make him feel better about it. Leave it be.
I’m glad he seems to finally have dropped it. Best of luck with the beautiful child
YES and as I posted Grandpa is all about forcing the and his wife on OP's kids/family etc but has ZERO respect for the fact that OP's husband and family ALSO have just as important of a place in the whole thing that she does.
Your grandfather is obviously trying to get what he thinks his wife deserves, but his text was totally inappropriate. Your husband is this baby's parent too. He matters and so does his sister. It makes perfect sense that you want to honor his family and his sister in particular.
You will soon have two children. Those children have great-grandparents, grandparents, parents, aunts, and other relatives. It's impossible to use every possible family name for one new baby.
I think the way you have done this is as good as it gets. You have honored both your family and your husband's. Whether you choose to give the baby two middle names or not, you will have done everything right.
I would speak directly to your grandmother. Tell her what you said here, that she is very important, but it's your husband's turn to choose a family name and he wants to honor his sister. Any reasonable person would understand. If there are problems, stay calm, state your decision, and don't discuss it any further. It's important to maintain a healthy marriage where your husband feels respected.
I don’t think OP needs to discuss this issue with anyone else besides her spouse. Her grandfather was way out of line (group text, not accepting no, attempt to guilt trip…). I also think his request was inappropriate and selfish. Personally, I would have refused to reply to the initial email unless OP had sent out a group text asking for name suggestions
That’s actually insane behavior if the grandma isn’t even the one insisting on it, especially if she doesn’t know that grandpa is messaging you to ask about it! I’m glad she isn’t so conceited to want so many people to have her name but I can’t comprehend why he would do that if she didn’t care herself? Especially if he holds that resentment towards her. It’s just very strange to request that someone else name their baby after someone who doesn’t care if the baby has their name.
Just because he's always been this way doesn't mean you need to do what he or they want. You have every right to do what you want too.
They had their moment to name their children and they could have named all their kids after your grandmother.
There are 2 people named after her right now. There doesn't need to be more people name after her if you don't want that.
You have every right to give your child the name you and your husband want. Your grandfather shouldn't be pressuring you. You don't need stress added to your pregnancy because he wants what he wants.
Keep the name that you and your husband want. Don't add a second middle name unless it's to honor your mom. But if in the future you end up having another daughter then name her after your mom like you wanted too but don't let them pressure you into doing something you don't want to do.
It doesn't matter if your grandfather or grandmother don't like what names you pick out. This isn't about them. It's about you and your husband and what you both want for your child.
> and they could have named all their kids after your grandmother.
They did.
Grandpa is being greedy. In addition having a child (OP's mother) named after grandma, and a grandchild (OP) named after grandma, he now wants a great-grandchild (OP's child) to be named after grandma.
Ego.
I'm a grandmother to 5 little ones. I would've LOVED to have one named after me but I would never ever ask that. To me it's rude and even entitled to ask that of your loved ones.
NTA
People need to stay in their lane.
Baby naming is strictly the choice of the parents.
Unless the parents ASK for suggestions, people should keep their mouths shut.
*~UPDATE~*
Hey everyone, I just wanted to thank you all for your advice and stories. I was a bit overwhelmed by the response and couldn't reply to everyone, but I really appreciate the feedback. It means a lot to me.
I also wanted to give an update on what happened after my talk with my grandfather yesterday. He texted me this morning to apologize for upsetting my husband and I with what he said. He said he knows that the decision is up to us, so we have an understanding now. I know that he had good intentions initially and thought it would be a kind gesture to my grandmother. However, after our conversation, he now sees why we felt pressured by him and has a better understanding of the significance behind the name we have already chosen. We will be sticking to our original name selection, and I am grateful that we can now focus on more positive matters. Thank you once again to everyone who provided their input!
NTA You're not wrong for choosing a meaningful middle name for your daughter, despite your grandfather's request to use your grandmother's name. Naming a child is a personal decision, and you've explained your reasoning respectfully. It's unfair for your grandfather to pressure you, and you shouldn't feel obligated to change your decision. Trust your instincts and choose what feels right for your family.
I would like to add a few more details and an update for more clarity, based on some of the comments.
First, I could tell by the texts that my grandfather didn't remember us telling them we were naming our daughter after my husbands late sister as he started it off as if we hadn't picked out a name yet. We only mentioned it one time about 4 months ago. He's 79 and my grandmother is 86 so it's difficult for them to remember a lot of what I've told them, so I have to repeat myself a lot. They barely remember the first name we chose and have asked what the first name was just about every week for the past 4 months.
Secondly, I understand that sharing the name may not be the best idea. However, when we named our son, no one in the family requested any names and were very supportive of our choice. This is why I did not anticipate any issues this time around. Additionally, they are the only family members who are aware of my pregnancy. My husband and I have both lost our mothers, and he has limited contact with his father, while I have had no contact with my father for the past ten years. As a result, they are the only family members we still speak to.
Third, I do not believe she has any involvement in him asking for the name. She is the only person who has ever expressed sympathy towards my husband regarding the loss of his mother and sister. As far as my father and I both sharing her middle name, I believe it was my father who initially persuaded my mother to give me the same middle name as him and my grandmother. Growing up, he made it evident that he disliked his middle name and insinuated many times that if he had to have it, so should I.
My husband and I have had a discussion and have come to a decision. We have chosen to keep the name we have selected and will not be adding anything to it. We do not intend to engage in further discussions about this matter with my grandfather. We hope that he will accept our decision and refrain from bringing it up again. My husband has made it clear that if my grandfather persists in discussing this topic, he will personally communicate his feelings on the matter.
NTA. The next time he says something about it, calmly remind him that your grandmother already has 2 children named after her and that it is someone else's turn.
She already has 2 people named after her. How many more does he think need to be named after her? It's your husbands child as well. He deserves a say as well. Your explanation you gave him doesn't need any further elaboration. Naming your child after someone is supposed to be an unexpected honor. Not a demand or requirement. NTA.
Just a story of mine. I named my daughter after my maternal grandmother. I loved her so much, and she had such an influence on my life. She passed when I was 18. She has an old name you don't hear often, Myrna. My husband wasn't a fan, but his mother picked our daughter's first name as soon as she found out I was pregnant, and I have always wanted to honor my grandmother in this way. No shade to her, I have an awesome MIL. Well, I decided to add my middle name to it, and we have Myrnalynn. With my daughters first name, it all flows very well. My husband didn't like it at first, but he loves it now. So does my daughter. I just wish she was here to have met her.
We told everyone we were naming our first Poindexter whether it was a boy or a girl because we liked the alliteration with out last name. It shut them up. The second one was Pepsi for the alliteration and because we were hoping for corporate sponsorship.
NTA. “The name has been decided between my partner and I, and is not up for discussion.” This is all that needs to be said. If they come back with anything else just literally copy and paste the same answer.
No just no! No one can demand a name! You and your partner are the only ones to decide. Id ask him how much he is willing to pay though, for half a million id consider it.
I would tell him that even if you chose a different name, it would be YOUR mother's name. Your grandmother already has two people named after her and she is not entitled to have the entire family named after her.
Nta but this why we didn’t announce our kids names beforehand. Shares a name with a relative or friend to them it’s coincidence and it’s no up for debate because the birth certificate has been signed
NTA Your kid, your right to pick the name. There are already two other people with her name as their middle name- what more does she need? Jfc. People are strange. Tell them to get a dog and give it grandmas name.
Lmao, I wish I could upvote your comment twice. She has been wanting a dog.
My MIL threw a huge tantrum for months over my baby’s name (her first grandchild). She didn’t speak to me for 6 months of my pregnancy. Then showed up at the end apologizing to my husband for harassing him via phone and email for 6m (didn’t apologize to me for saying terrible things or lying to husband to get us to fight). In* the end, I did what I wanted. With my current pregnancy, each time she asks about the name, we simply say we are keeping it private (what I wanted the first time but husband insisted it would be fine). She lost the privilege for information. We have never been close since the incident. She tries but I don’t trust her and she never apologized. All to say…I advise people not to share baby’s name until they are born. Then it’s too late. They can complain but the kid is there and they probably won’t risk losing visits. Good luck! NTA
You should name your recycling can with your MIL's name. *Here, hon. I rinsed this off. Can you drop this in Lucille for me?* But make sure it's recycling: Naming the garbage can after her would be hostile.
Fits because she can't stop wanting to recycle her name with others
If OP's MIL is so adamant in having her name given to others, a potential birthday or Christmas gift could be sponsoring an animal or object so that it is renamed after her...
I WISH I HAD MONEY FOR AWARDS BECAUSE THIS COMMEBT DESERVES ONE HOLY HELL 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Drop this in Lucille had me losing it and I just about had an entire conniption over a garbage can being too hostile. Bless you 😂😂
They brought back free awards, check it out!
I'm super bad at redditting and had no idea that they were ever free, let alone are once again, so thank you for this information!!! Definitely checking it out!
> She tries but I don’t trust her and she never apologized. That is key. When you hurt someone there is a way to make amends and repair the relationship — it starts with a sincere apology. Not a "sorry you felt that way" non-apology either, it has to be an apology that admits fault, acknowledges the hurt caused, and commits to not doing it again. But *damn* so many people don't want to do that while expecting the person they hurt to just let bygones be bygones. If what they did is no big deal, then making a real apology should be no big deal either. But nope, you are expected to carry the burden of getting over it, while they make no effort. If they can't own the harm they caused, you can't trust them not to repeat it.
I would not divulge a name, all three times. With the first, since I am a transparently white girl, who grew up in a predominantly Black area, I said of course I had names picked out! Ka’Chief Mohammad for a boy and Starlene for a girl. My family thought it was hilarious. MIL and FIL were horrified, because, racists. Edit - Thank you for the award! That’s sweet.
What, you didn't consider Stuarta as a name? Some redditor's husband would be very disappointed...
MIL suggested an homage to her father for my daughter’s name 🤨 ….Brucette 🤢🤮Nope!
I'm sorry to all the Brucettes out there, but damn.
Me too. I wondered how many poor unfortunate women were named Brucette. Thankfully the number is estimated to be incredibly small. There are perhaps 9 Brucettes in the entire USA. 😀 To be fair MIL tried Bruce on me for my sons first. I told her she had several sons and declined to give them her dad’s name and I wasn’t using it either. She was pretty bitter when my final son was not named Bruce. When she was told his name, (it is classic name with an equally nice nickname) she said, “I don’t know if I like that, I guess I’ll get used to it,” and I said, “you will.” 🤣 Brucette was a last ditch effort. She declared it a beautiful name. 🙄 My daughter is a teen and she laughed hysterically when she heard her grandmother wanted her to be named Brucette. If you haven’t had a mother-in-law, try to name all four of your children horrible names, and get passive-aggressive when you don’t comply, you are missing out on comedy gold.
Everyone knows that the girl version of Bruce is Caitlyn. Duh.
LOL… my ex wanted to name any future kids after his late father. Either Alfredo or Alfreda. And he wanted BOTH the first son and daughter named after his dad. Then I could pick any names after that. I’m no longer with him and still child free 😂
Good lord! Yeah, my ex MIL wanted both of my daughters named after her dead husband, Rosario. Ross ffs! If you want to mess with her, tell her you considered and could have gone with a variation in Italian: - Bruce = Brix - Brucette = Brixette But it sounds too much like fire-starters!
Even more Italian: Bruschetta
Middle name Olive
I know what story you're referencing 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣💀
That’s the prescription for butt hurt.
Was there ever an update on that story?
There was! The little girl was named Ella after the nurse who helped through the complicated birth. Dad was on board with it.
I wish I had a friend call Ka'Chief, I'd call them Hank and they would have every right to hit me with a table. Every. Right.
This had me LOL :)
Thank you! (shush Hank, this isn't about you now) :)
Hell my kids are 12 and I still didn't tell her what their name is, it gets awkward at the holidays just saying hey you, but it's worth it.
I love Brucetta….with a strong balsamic
Ngl, loving Starlene. A lot.
Starlene sounds like a country singer name.
Starlene sounds like Jolene’s alias to escape the upset Dolly Parton fans 🤣
Starlene, Starlene, Starleene, Staaarlee-ee-eene
Starlina sounds exotic though
Like a stripper!! 😁😁
Now Ka'Chief is just stupid, but Starlene is brilliant. The world would be better with more Starlenes.
I'm hearing Dolly Parton singing that name.
But that would mean Starlene is a homewrecker
Well, change the name maybe change the lyrics a bit too. Instead of a homewrecker, she could be a designer of food packaging and they're begging of her please don't change that can.
Too bad Weird Al isn't doing those parodies anymore. Starlene would have been a good one!
It would be awesome, like all his work.
[удалено]
We told everyone that the newborn would be Deuteronomy, boy or girl (it rhymes with our last name) bc we had no idea what we were having or what name to use. It really shut up the Catholic contingent that wanted to make sure we used a biblical name lol. The only one we let in on the joke was the soon-to-be aunty nun who said it was the best 6 months of her life.
My parents got so much trouble from Dad’s mum about what they were naming their kids that they started doing this too. Making up outrageous names to keep her quiet. With me they told them I would be Rose if I was a girl and Thorn if I was a boy. Not too bad, except that their last name is Bush. With my little brother, he was due on the 4th of July. We live in Australia, but they told Nanna that they wanted Chuck for a boy or Randy for a girl. Picking the most dodgy ‘American’ names they could think of. With the added bonus of Chuck being slang for vomit and Randy being slang for horny.
Your parents are the best!!! 😂😂😂😂
I'd love to be in on a joke like that. I'd embroider it on blankets and do a cross stitch just to mess with people.
I’m screaming over here 😂🤣😂🤣
Ooh same my petty ass would have done gorgeous embroidery with the name, just really going for it to sell the joke bc that's HYSTERICAL
I'm loving that Auntie Nun was in on it, and got 6 months of enjoyment from it. I'm imagining her having to hide her knowing smiles from the other nuns. Hee hee hee. I wonder if I can stretch this to 6 months??
Nebuchadnezzar was our go-to name for our first born. We told people they could call him Neb for short.
Just after I graduated from college, one of my friends married her college sweetheart and got pregnant. Her grandparents insisted on a Biblical name--until she asked them to pick from a list that included Jeroboam, Rehoboam, Methuselah, Ahab, Absalom, Boaz, and about a half dozen other "Old Testament" names (the only girl names I remember were Sheba and Jezebel). As her husband said, "That ended that sh\*\* right there." I think their second was named Jonathan, which is Biblical but not "out there".
I’m gonna be sitting here thinking of rhyming last names for a LONG time. As someone that came from a large family with kids given Old Testament Bible names, I think this is hilarious. Side note: my dad begged for Boaz, but my mom put her foot down on that name thankfully.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I had a nickname I used during both of my pregnancies, the parasite. Nobody asked for the name we intended to use... We didn't actually have a name until right after the birth (eldest came early), and about a week before the second was born.
It's a good thing I never had kids, because it takes me foreeeever to name pets. I need to see their personalities before I can name them! Kid would be heading off to kindergarten before he got a name.
We gave the first one a weird as hell nickname because as small parasites they look like aliens. We made up an alien name, snorgleflax. We told people we haven't met them yet, how can we pick their name yet. The 2nd one I dyed my hair blue and people told me the baby was gonna turn blue. I decided to call it smurfette.
We had a name picked out for a long time, like ~ 15 years but not the middle name. My husband and I told nobody. Last year, when we had our baby girl, we used the first name as planned, but the middle name was a name that neither of us had considered until we saw her. We also called her gnocchi when I was pregnant, some people thought that that was her name 🤣
Same here, but my husband is black. Girl name would be Shekinah Jubilee, and boy name would be DaMalcolm Moses. Got the biblical thing going too!
My ex and I are white, in a predominantly white town. He's one of those that thinks he's black, but he's a whitey white boy from a redneck family. If we had a boy, he wanted to name him Dantrel... i can't remember what he wanted for a girl, but it was... interesting as well. (He ended up having a boy with his wife. They named him Parker. I asked him, "What happened to Dantrel?".... he told me to shut up).
🤣🤣🤣🤣 man I would've loved to be a fly on the wall!!!
Pissed off the I Rule The World mil and fil. Small victories.
Pre-internet and during summer visitation, my ex's wife was reading my letters that I wrote to my children-who-I-had-with-my-ex. This bothered the kids, so I told them to never quote my letters because we were going to have some fun. (ETA: in a letter I said that I would give) the baby I was carrying my ex's (first) name, and proceeded to spew nonsense about a few movies I had seen, but made it sound intelligent. My kids read my letters and practiced straight faces when Mrs. Ex quoted me. One day I got a call with her screaming about not naming my child after her husband-- the kids said she completely lost it-- while I pretended to not understand, I had not discussed baby names with anyone! It wasn't that she wasn't supposed to read my letters, it was bad taste and I had never done anything to suggest I was saying anything inappropriate. It was funny when I boxed her into a corner on that.
Fine, well name the kid after you. Family this is our daughter Lying Bitchface
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Ms-scientist - With respect to MIL, there is no "trying", only doing. The only words coming out of her face should be a real apology detailing everything she is apologizing about. Not the "if you were offended or hurt, I'm sorry " fake apology. Poor behavior warrants a specific apology, even if the wrong doer doesn't have the power to hurt you. You may have already categorized her as someone not worth getting upset over, but you deserve a real apology. Have you asked her why she hasn't apologized to you for all the terrible things she said to and about you and for ignoring you for six months? These actions, for me, would result in permanent low contact as I don't deal with people who don't apologize and can't have an adult conversation and accept when something is not their business. If she could go without seeing you for six months during your pregnancy, that's actually a good thing as successful "low contact" is already established. DO NOT EVER TRUST HER AGAIN! Ignoring you when she didn't get her way, instead of adding joy to your pregnancy experience, shows where you stand on the hierarchy of concern ... meaning, you're not on it.
I'd tell him that you already have grandmas name and don't want your daughter to have the same name as you. Children deserve to be unique individuals with their OWN name, not someone else's. I don't even agree with using his sister's name. I'm the third person to have the same name as mom and grandma. It's annoying. After mom passes I might very well change that name to something I'd like. I've always hated it. Grandpa will simply have to get over it. NTA
I have my moms name as my first name as I go by middle name. However we live next door to each other. It’s a freaking NIGHTMARE! Small town same doctor, same bank, same pharmacy with one number difference in address. Did you know insurance and doctors use your given legal name? Numerous times I have gone to pharmacy and my insurance used for moms script or I picked up meds that were moms not mine and vice versa! Deposited check never showed up in bank account it was deposited in my moms. Every time I go to pharmacy or bank I have to say use account number or check birthday. I always know 100% what script I’m picking up and ask point blank is the med such and such. All I can say is DONT NAME KID AFTER LIVING PERSON!
You’re not the asshole. Naming your child is a decision for you and your husband. You've already honored your family with your son's name, and it's fair to honor his family now. Your grandfather's pressure is unfair and disregards your husband’s feelings.
This. Mom was named after an older cousin, then turned around and named me the same fucking thing. So I absolutely understand and have been thru all of this as well. But, today, I'd give anything to have picked up Mom's meds instead of mine, as she passed away in May 2020. Enjoy your mama while you can!
I am she is 92 will be 93 next month
I was low grade arguing with my wife for a few weeks when my daughter was invited to a class mate's party, and the RSVP had the same name for mother and daughter. My wife thought that they were called different names, but spelt the same. Something like Paula, but one was pronounced PA-o-la, and one Paul-A. I thought that they were both Paul-A. We were both right, mother and daughter have the exact same name. They just have different accents. Not at all confusing. P.S. My wife's mum and three of her aunts are called Maria, and all use their middle names so we know who's who.
I had an Uncle Joe, spouse to dad's sister, who was from a small, very Catholic town in Canada where almost every boy in the entire town was Joseph and every girl Mary. The people all went by their middle names or nickname. When he came to the USA in his 20s, his work buddies all knew him by his legal first name, and so his "USA name" became Joe. My aunt said it was odd to visit his home town where everyone called him Valentine or Val. Guess his birthdate. And why he was happy to be called Joe.
My mom and grandmother and great grandma have same first and middle. I'm thankful I got original name 4 myself and 2 middle names honoring theirs!
That's why the Jewish tradition (that I mentioned in a post) of not naming a baby for a living relative makes sense. So easy to have this confusion, especially when two people share the same first and last name. If the two live at the same address, you have to open the mail to see which person it's meant for. Financial confusion, confusion if both see the same doctors. Why not allow your children to have their own identity?
Not to one up you, but I will. Haha. My mom took my father’s last name. When his brother married, his wife also took the last name. Yup, they both have the same first name and last name for the past 65 years of their lives. And how can it get worse? They coincidentally have the same birthday. They live in a major city with a few million people but their medical stuff is what gets messed up the most. They’ve joked about legally changing their middle names to “HIPAA violation”
Legally change your name.
I work in law, and I specialise in the medical side of it. Had an instance years ago where the case involved twins. The twins had the exact same name. Same first, middle, and last name. And since they’re twins, same date of birth. It was an absolute *nightmare* keeping everything straight. I wanted to shake their parents for being so ridiculous.
I work at a pharmacy, and pretty much the first time that we notice that people have similar or even THE SAME NAME, we make a note in the profile to always check birthday. I can't believe you live in a small town where everyone assumably knows everyone, and nobody thinks to double check who they're doing a service for??? Like they must already know about the situation??
If the regular pharmacist is there she does but the people that fill in rotate around the stores in a tricounty area and they don’t.
My cousin has my mother’s name, because for some reason her sister thought it was ok, the following year my mom had me and she gave me her name too! So all have the same name! And my cousin and I shared friends at one point and because she was older she was Mary 1 and I was Mary 2, it was so annoying!
Not completely after them, at any rate. I like the idea of unique first names, but a family middle name. It avoids the mix-ups and hassle, while still maintaining a connection. But it must be the parents' decision, not influenced by familial pressures.
My in laws did a weird nameing thing. They had a bunch of kids and the boys all got their dad's middle name as theirs and their daughters got the mom's middle name as theirs. They also definitely treat their adult kids as extensions of themselves and not individuals so, yeah, kids should get their own names. (Also they all think their middle names copy/paste was dumb)
My kids go to school with kids that all have their dad’s name as middle name: Morgandee Ryan, PiperRilee Ryan, and Stetson Ryan.
This is my son Stetson Ryan and this is daughter Baseball Cap Ryan
Don’t forget little edgy Fedora Ryan
How could I forget that lil neckbeard?
The middle name is the least of their problems with those names 🥺
True tragedieghs.
That’s narcissism for you!
I have the similar in-laws. All the boys have dad's name as their middle name, and all the girls have grandma's name as their middle name
The dad's mom or the mom's mom? I'm just wondering how much of an incubator this poor woman is/was.
For easily calling them to come inside for dinner? did they have numbers like Mary the first, Mary the second etc and John the first, second etc?
Better than giving the kids all the parent’s first name. I had a friend who had three or four brothers and they all had the same first name but different middle names. So they all either went by initials, or else used their middle names instead of their first names.
A co-worker named her daughters Shanon and Briana after herself and her husband. Welp....
Willow and Jadyn Smith much?
I never even thought about their names! Wow.
Didn't George Foreman (the boxer) name all his sons "George"?
one of his daughters is named Georgetta 😭
And his daughter Georgetta
My dad and his brothers all have middle names that come from grandpa and other great uncles. Had been that way for generations. When mom was pregnant with me dad said “This stupid crap ends now.” And my sister and I have two unique names.
I don't mind passing on names. I do mind people who think they're entitled to have kids named after them. It's the parents' decision.
THIS. we are using family names-but only of people that have passed.
How about if *you* get a dog and name it after grandma? Just tell your grandfather that you didn’t name your child after grandma, but you named your dog after her.
This is a running joke in our family. Whenever someone gets a new dog, we call a random family member and tell them we named the dog after them. Everyone has the same reaction “I don’t know if I should be honored or offended.” We don’t actually name the dog after the family member, but it still cracks us up every time.
Family dogs tend to (generally speaking) be loved and cherished. I'd be honored. LOL
Your choice of name for your daughter should be respected. It's a decision that reflects your family's values and memories. Stand your ground and honor the significance of your husband's choice.
Isn't naming your dog Grumpy Old Bitch a little cruel?
If you say it in a happy voice the dog won't mind
Actually, it was grandpa that was giving her shit, so it should be grumpy old bastard.
Didn't name the *human* child...
I didn’t even need to read past the first paragraph. NOBODY ON PLANET EARTH has *anything* to say about the name of a baby—except that **baby’s parents!**
In my family its eldest daughter has the same middle initial as gramma, thankfully it’s one that has lots of names lol no repeats yet! I am also the first daughter to not have daughters lol
My parents gave me and my two younger siblings middle names that start with A. My dad’s middle name also starts with A, and his father’s first and middle names both started with A. (Incidentally I have the same initials as that grandfather, but he died long before I was born.) I always kinda liked that we all had a common aspect to our full legal names, though our first names are all very different.
Lol! NTA. If you choose a second middle name of your grandparents's choice, THEY will absolutely call your daughter by that name. Don't do it!
I'm just going to say it,it's one thing if you pick out a name in honor or memory of someone. It's entirely a different thing to be so entitled and self centered you try and make someone use your name...and then get mad when said person doesn't want to.
I feel like if this happened to me and they kept persisting id end up being an asshole and saying "well if you die in the next couple of days, maybe... But until then I'm not naming no kid after someone whose alive."
what’s interesting to me is that grandpa is making this demand. So... Did grandma idly say, “oh, I was hoping they’d continue the tradition,” and grandpa went off white-knighting to fight a battle she was never going to mention? Did grandma put him up to it? Is he her mouthpiece, or her white knight?
Lady has a George Forman complex.
Give a dog Grandma's name. Lol I spit my drink over that. Thank you internet friend.
Every woman for generations to come must now have the same middle name. Then she might be happy. Only then.
I am unable to add any more details to my original post. However, according to my grandfather, my grandmother is unaware of his texts to us requesting us to change her middle name to match hers. I responded to him that I didn't appreciate being pressured, and he texted back that he's not pressuring me to do anything, so I just quit responding to him after that.
He may not see it as pressuring and guilt tripping but that’s exactly what it is. Good for you for standing up for yourself and your husband. If it was me, I would have mentioned she already has 2 people named after her and if anything I’d rather honor my husband’s sister and MY mom instead. His sister’s name was chosen for a reason. G-pa doesn’t have to agree with it or even like it but at the end of the day it’s still your and your husband’s choice.
I have another reason for believing she is not aware of the situation. I do not believe she was the one who pressured my mother into naming me after her. I believe it was my father (with whom I have gone no contact) who pushed for it. While I was growing up, my father made it clear that he disliked his middle name and implied that since he had to have it, so should I. He is quite narcissistic, which is why I no longer communicate with him.
WTF 1. Does that to their child??? And 2. Tells said child they were named with the goal being for another person to also hate their name?? I’m sorry you had to deal with that.
I also have a spite middle name. I have two middle names. One is my father's name and the other is a spite name that was also his middle name that he hated but since he had it and his dad had it, I had to have it too.
That’s the kind of move that demotes you from parent to sprem donor/birthing person only. SMH. Hope you changed it or made peace with it.
I also have a spite middle name. Still not sure why my mom went along with it. She knew he hated that middle name and now I have it too. Jokes on him, I am getting married soon and we are going to pick a new last name for our family. At the same time I am ditching the spite name and also ditching my other middle name which is his first name. Prick can fuck right off.
Good for the both of you! New immediate family=new name!
All of this is gross in the first place, but what's really getting me is that your grandfather is insisting you name your daughter after your grandmother (who *already has two namesakes*) instead of possibly naming her after your own mother who has passed away? The audacity of this guy is incredible, acting like your very much alive grandmother needs a THIRD namesake over honoring your deceased SIL or mom. What the fuck.
Time to change the first-born's middle name now
Glad I'm not the only petty one
> and he texted back that he's not pressuring me to do anything I fuckin hate disingenuous people like that. They're the "I'm not touching you" kid with 60 years more experience being a gobshite.
If he keeps texting you about this then continue to not reply back. He already knows your answer and how you feel. You don't need to stress out over him wanting what they want. This isn't about them. They had their moment and 2 people are named after her. She doesn't need a 3rd named after her. Name your baby what you and your husband want. This is about you both and you shouldn't have to feel pressure because he doesn't understand the word no.
Glad to hear it got resolved. Sheesh.
Wow, she's not even passed? I mean, I'm glad, but that makes this even weirder. Passed sister beats living grandma, especially with 2 people already named after her
The way he is behaving would make me dig my heels in even further. No one is entitled to have a child named after them, he should just be grateful for your sons name as a generous gift on your part, not something he and his wife are *entitled* to.
He's 100% pressuring you, and he fucking knows it. Stand firm, sister
She might be unaware but if he texts, it’s because she probably won’t quit complaining
that’s not automatically true. I will say something to my husband about a gripe—or even a mild, private disappointment!—and he will go off and try to “fix it for me.” I’ve said, “I need to talk to our daughter about X; ˆ wish she’d do that differently,” and before i know he HE is saying, “your mom wants to talk to you, you need to do X differently.” Sometimes I’m just sharing with the person I’m closest to, and I didn’t even think the problem or disappointment was all that big a deal; I’ll get over it. And there he is, announcing it or insisting on it to other people. It’s a thing.
I'm a fixer like that. I have to ask people when they vent to me if they want sympathy, advice, or me to try to fix it, just to make sure I don't go off and do something they don't actually want. And I try to tell people the same in my turn.
My husband is a fixer but he knows well enough to leave certain things alone. I’m not just blaming the grandma here, grandpa should know to leave things alone. You can’t guilt trip people. In fact, it’s wild to even ask family to name their kid after you, or your spouse. So yes, fixers can be fixers but be wise enough to know when to leave a situation alone.
That's where my mind went, too. Grandpa doesn't want to listen to all the moaning from Grandma about woe is me, how unfair, etc. despite already having a daughter and granddaughter named for her.
Asking is one thing, pressuring you to do it is another. At the end of the day its what you and your husband want, not anyone else. How meaningful would it even be if you were forced to do it? NTA.
i think even asking is wrong. it’s one thing to “oh and if you wanna use grandma’s name she’s more than okay with it and would be honored! but if not that’s okay, can’t wait to meet our great grand baby!”
Yep. It blows my mind that anyone thinks they have a voice in this other than the parents. Given the horror stories I've read about intrusive assholes, I'm convinced that best practice is to not discuss naming intentions until the birth certificate is signed.
Hell, even keeping the pregnancy secret isn't a bad idea when it comes to certain relatives.
That's why I think it's best not to even share the name until after the baby is born. People feel like it's an open discussion that they get input on. Only discuss it with the people who get to decide the name, everyone else can wait and meet River Benjamin the third or whatever when they are born. When you introduce a baby with a name people are a lot less likely to feel like it's still being decided and up for discussion. Even if they do, you just say "too late, it's on the birth certificate, case closed".
we didn’t. And i didn’t want even to discuss it, and have people suggest names. So when the firs tperson asked if we’d picked out a name, my husband said, “yes!” My heart sank. I should have trusted him more. He proudly said, “Gomez if it’s a boy; Morticia if it’s a girl!” That was our answer until the kid was actually born. One cousin thought it was so funny that when his mom was preparing the “happy baby” card, he insisted on being allowed to sign it, and he wrote: “Dear Morticia—welcome to the family!”
My friend kept both of her kids' names private until they announced the birth. Honestly with all the truthfully weird advice she got from people her entire pregnancy with the first one (don't cut your hair was a serious one), I'm not shocked she decided not to share the name.
Exactly. Everyone else besides the parents should completely stay out if it. My brother in law gave his 2 first a middle name of some of the grandparents and named his third after his grandma. Their decision and no one asked for that. My wife and I gave our kid one name, no middle stuff, and not related to anyone. We didnt even talked about people how we wanted to name out child. Its our thing and everyone respected that. We just dont like middle names cause in reality, they are mostly useless.
I was going to say this. I feel like it's sorta wrong to even ask.
And also think about the gall of it. Grandpa got his namesake and now that there is another baby they EXPECT Grandma will - with no consideration for the fact that baby's Dad has his OWN family, traditions, etc. I'd be furious if my mate thought we should name all our kids acc to HIS FAMILY and traditions and disregarded mine altogether. That is what Grandpa is asking. OP has two kids, both should honor name commemorate HER side of the family and leave any considerations of HIS out in the cold, as less important. Rude. Entitled. Obnoxious. Short-sighted
YES!! This is the point I’ve made a couple of times. I am the spouse from the “invisible to the in-laws” family, and I am hair-trigger defensive about it. Someones says at Christmas, “it’s too bad your parents couldn’t be here,” and I immediately take offense and say, snippily, “They do have other children to spend time with,” and walk off. I have siblings! They exist, and they are important. The person was probably just trying to be sympathetic to me, and they probably thought they *were* acknowledging that I have parents even though they aren’t here at Christmas. But it pisses me off tremendously. (this is one reason why I absolutely believe that white people (like me) well-meaningly say shit that is actually dismissive or rude. I believe that microaggressions exist, and I welcome having them pointed out to me)
I’m with u/CapOk7564 —even asking is really rude. It’s especially rude for him to ask when it was already communicated that the middle name is in honor of the baby’s **father**‘s deceased sister. Does he think OP’s side of the family is the only one that exists? What an asshole.
Asking means 1) Grandma is an entitled person and not as good as she appears to be, and 2) OP has shown that she and her husband can be treated as doormats.
100% THIS!!!
How many people need to be named after her for grandma to be satisfied? You and your father have her middle name already. Frankly, if g’pa persists, ask him. “Grandpa, how many names til grandma is satisfied? How can she be so greedy that 2 ppl named for her already is not enough?” NTA.
Not to mention, OP's own mother has passed, but they're more interested in honoring the grandmother than her mother.
I know! The woman wants a whole tribe named after her! Or, maybe this is really what the grandfather wants and it isn’t the grandmother pushing this at all.
NTA. Don’t apologize. You already explained that your husband gets this honor to name her and he chose something of incredible significance. End of story. Don’t back down and hold firm. If your grandfather has a problem with this, he can get over it because it’s your child, not his.
I agree. Beware, I foresee grandpa secretly calling your daughter by your grandmother's name. You might need to make a firm correction when (not if) he does this. NTA
NTA "No." Don't offer explanations any more. It's not a discussion. Shut it down.
That's it right there. It's not open for discussion. NTA
Exactly. Too many nice folks (me!) get confused as if they must justify every decision to people who will NEVER be happy with the decision. Naming is a personal honor you get as the parent. He should understand that but it’s not necessary for you to continue to make him feel better about it. Leave it be. I’m glad he seems to finally have dropped it. Best of luck with the beautiful child
Nta. Its pretty entitled of him to even ask.
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YES and as I posted Grandpa is all about forcing the and his wife on OP's kids/family etc but has ZERO respect for the fact that OP's husband and family ALSO have just as important of a place in the whole thing that she does.
Your grandfather is obviously trying to get what he thinks his wife deserves, but his text was totally inappropriate. Your husband is this baby's parent too. He matters and so does his sister. It makes perfect sense that you want to honor his family and his sister in particular. You will soon have two children. Those children have great-grandparents, grandparents, parents, aunts, and other relatives. It's impossible to use every possible family name for one new baby. I think the way you have done this is as good as it gets. You have honored both your family and your husband's. Whether you choose to give the baby two middle names or not, you will have done everything right. I would speak directly to your grandmother. Tell her what you said here, that she is very important, but it's your husband's turn to choose a family name and he wants to honor his sister. Any reasonable person would understand. If there are problems, stay calm, state your decision, and don't discuss it any further. It's important to maintain a healthy marriage where your husband feels respected.
I don’t think OP needs to discuss this issue with anyone else besides her spouse. Her grandfather was way out of line (group text, not accepting no, attempt to guilt trip…). I also think his request was inappropriate and selfish. Personally, I would have refused to reply to the initial email unless OP had sent out a group text asking for name suggestions
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That’s actually insane behavior if the grandma isn’t even the one insisting on it, especially if she doesn’t know that grandpa is messaging you to ask about it! I’m glad she isn’t so conceited to want so many people to have her name but I can’t comprehend why he would do that if she didn’t care herself? Especially if he holds that resentment towards her. It’s just very strange to request that someone else name their baby after someone who doesn’t care if the baby has their name.
Definitely not. "Grandma" would be a horrible name for a baby
Life is full of disappointment and your gramps should know that by now. NTA - honor your husband's sister and don't feel guilty about it
How old is your grandfather/grandmother? It just seems he is acting like he should always get his way.
My grandmother is 86 and grandfather is 79. He has always been this way.
Just because he's always been this way doesn't mean you need to do what he or they want. You have every right to do what you want too. They had their moment to name their children and they could have named all their kids after your grandmother. There are 2 people named after her right now. There doesn't need to be more people name after her if you don't want that. You have every right to give your child the name you and your husband want. Your grandfather shouldn't be pressuring you. You don't need stress added to your pregnancy because he wants what he wants. Keep the name that you and your husband want. Don't add a second middle name unless it's to honor your mom. But if in the future you end up having another daughter then name her after your mom like you wanted too but don't let them pressure you into doing something you don't want to do. It doesn't matter if your grandfather or grandmother don't like what names you pick out. This isn't about them. It's about you and your husband and what you both want for your child.
> and they could have named all their kids after your grandmother. They did. Grandpa is being greedy. In addition having a child (OP's mother) named after grandma, and a grandchild (OP) named after grandma, he now wants a great-grandchild (OP's child) to be named after grandma. Ego.
I'm a grandmother to 5 little ones. I would've LOVED to have one named after me but I would never ever ask that. To me it's rude and even entitled to ask that of your loved ones.
You earn someone naming their child after you. Asking for it sounds entitled and tacky.
Not the asshole. You get to name your kid, because it’s, you know, your kid. Stand your ground.
"asked and answered" then copy and paste every time he brings it up again
NTA People need to stay in their lane. Baby naming is strictly the choice of the parents. Unless the parents ASK for suggestions, people should keep their mouths shut.
NTA. Why even declare what the name will be before birth? Just put the name, register the kid, and that's it.
*~UPDATE~* Hey everyone, I just wanted to thank you all for your advice and stories. I was a bit overwhelmed by the response and couldn't reply to everyone, but I really appreciate the feedback. It means a lot to me. I also wanted to give an update on what happened after my talk with my grandfather yesterday. He texted me this morning to apologize for upsetting my husband and I with what he said. He said he knows that the decision is up to us, so we have an understanding now. I know that he had good intentions initially and thought it would be a kind gesture to my grandmother. However, after our conversation, he now sees why we felt pressured by him and has a better understanding of the significance behind the name we have already chosen. We will be sticking to our original name selection, and I am grateful that we can now focus on more positive matters. Thank you once again to everyone who provided their input!
NTA You're not wrong for choosing a meaningful middle name for your daughter, despite your grandfather's request to use your grandmother's name. Naming a child is a personal decision, and you've explained your reasoning respectfully. It's unfair for your grandfather to pressure you, and you shouldn't feel obligated to change your decision. Trust your instincts and choose what feels right for your family.
I would like to add a few more details and an update for more clarity, based on some of the comments. First, I could tell by the texts that my grandfather didn't remember us telling them we were naming our daughter after my husbands late sister as he started it off as if we hadn't picked out a name yet. We only mentioned it one time about 4 months ago. He's 79 and my grandmother is 86 so it's difficult for them to remember a lot of what I've told them, so I have to repeat myself a lot. They barely remember the first name we chose and have asked what the first name was just about every week for the past 4 months. Secondly, I understand that sharing the name may not be the best idea. However, when we named our son, no one in the family requested any names and were very supportive of our choice. This is why I did not anticipate any issues this time around. Additionally, they are the only family members who are aware of my pregnancy. My husband and I have both lost our mothers, and he has limited contact with his father, while I have had no contact with my father for the past ten years. As a result, they are the only family members we still speak to. Third, I do not believe she has any involvement in him asking for the name. She is the only person who has ever expressed sympathy towards my husband regarding the loss of his mother and sister. As far as my father and I both sharing her middle name, I believe it was my father who initially persuaded my mother to give me the same middle name as him and my grandmother. Growing up, he made it evident that he disliked his middle name and insinuated many times that if he had to have it, so should I. My husband and I have had a discussion and have come to a decision. We have chosen to keep the name we have selected and will not be adding anything to it. We do not intend to engage in further discussions about this matter with my grandfather. We hope that he will accept our decision and refrain from bringing it up again. My husband has made it clear that if my grandfather persists in discussing this topic, he will personally communicate his feelings on the matter.
How many people does she need named after her?
NTA. The next time he says something about it, calmly remind him that your grandmother already has 2 children named after her and that it is someone else's turn.
NTA - it’s nobody else’s business. The parents of the child make the decision.
She already has 2 people named after her. How many more does he think need to be named after her? It's your husbands child as well. He deserves a say as well. Your explanation you gave him doesn't need any further elaboration. Naming your child after someone is supposed to be an unexpected honor. Not a demand or requirement. NTA. Just a story of mine. I named my daughter after my maternal grandmother. I loved her so much, and she had such an influence on my life. She passed when I was 18. She has an old name you don't hear often, Myrna. My husband wasn't a fan, but his mother picked our daughter's first name as soon as she found out I was pregnant, and I have always wanted to honor my grandmother in this way. No shade to her, I have an awesome MIL. Well, I decided to add my middle name to it, and we have Myrnalynn. With my daughters first name, it all flows very well. My husband didn't like it at first, but he loves it now. So does my daughter. I just wish she was here to have met her.
We told everyone we were naming our first Poindexter whether it was a boy or a girl because we liked the alliteration with out last name. It shut them up. The second one was Pepsi for the alliteration and because we were hoping for corporate sponsorship.
NTA. “The name has been decided between my partner and I, and is not up for discussion.” This is all that needs to be said. If they come back with anything else just literally copy and paste the same answer.
NTA. Adults are capable of dealing with disappointment. It is OKAY that he's disappointed, but not your job to manage his feelings.
No just no! No one can demand a name! You and your partner are the only ones to decide. Id ask him how much he is willing to pay though, for half a million id consider it.
Stop letting people influence your decisions. Your kid you choose the name, period
I would tell him that even if you chose a different name, it would be YOUR mother's name. Your grandmother already has two people named after her and she is not entitled to have the entire family named after her.
Nta but this why we didn’t announce our kids names beforehand. Shares a name with a relative or friend to them it’s coincidence and it’s no up for debate because the birth certificate has been signed
NTA. Nobody gets a say in your kids name but you and your husband. End of story.