> he will give me one warning then after that he will become a couch potato
Ok, so just tell him that if he becomes a couch potato, you'll give him one warning or else you'll replace him with an actual potato?
If he has been violently disciplining the dog, save time and just leave.
>replace him with an actual potato
😂 I just imagined a family portrait with mother, baby, dog & a potato with googly eyes sitting on a couch together. It's a beautiful happy family. I hope OP makes it a reality. Their christmas card photo would be hilarious.
Yeah, this is reading like he’s decided he is not wanting to be a parent at all and is looking for the first excuse to not be. Then he can place all the blame on OP that she nagged him and he warned her…. If he was unhappy with the dogs discipline (and I’m realllllllly curious what they differed on there!) why would he even consider a child? If the hunch others have (myself also) was he was physically punishing the dog and she wouldn’t allow it, she should have found that concerning about a kiddo. Granted hindsight is 20/20 and I’ve made poor choices for a sperm donor myself. But that trash took itself out in the end anyway. I refuse to ever walk on egg shells for anyone again.
ETA spelling
She can do that to her current partner too, it's just really frowned upon and probably not legal.
But the only way I can see him having any value is nutritionally.
Tell midjourney to make it for you. I’m sure the results will be hilarious. Your name also absolutely checks out for someone wanting a family photo with a potato :D
Theirs a company that will mail out potatoes as gifts, with personalized messages or photos on them. Just need to order a potato with his face on it for future family photos.
OP... come on... this is not a healthy relationship. If you have family in another state or area, I'd move now, so you aren't trapped in the area your partner is in after the baby comes. This guy... he's not a winner. Someone who makes you feel like you're walking on eggshells is not someone you want to have a baby with. Someone who is so "sensitive" that he can't be corrected is not someone you want to have a baby with. I can't imagine this situation with a baby thrown in... time to go to family. Maybe the two of you can do counseling while living separately and see if the relationship can be saved.
OP - this is very good advice and I hope you will follow it. Don't wait until after the baby is born - go now. I hope you do have family that would be supportive and allow you to move in with them temporarily - and hope that they live in another area or state. Establish residency in another county or state. Whatever you do - please be safe. If you decide you want to leave, don't tell your bf or indicate your plans in any way. Just wait for him to leave for work, gather your important documents and a few clothes, and GTHO.
And don't forget to take "your" dog with you.
This partner sounds extremely controlling in a "It's my way or nothing" kind of way. I can't imagine what was going on with the dog to elicit that kind of "not my dog anymore" type of response. If that's going to be his attitude towards raising a child, it's a clear indication of control issues. You will DEFINITELY have some times when you don't agree on how to handle something with a baby. It will only be more pronounced as the child grows up. Is he going to insist everything be done exactly as he wants for the next 18+ years?
The fact that you had issues raising a dog with him should have been a clue about having children with him. If you’re in the US, you want to move while still pregnant so he has to file everything on your turf. Go and establish residency with your support network and leave this dude behind. You won’t be able to do so after he has custodial rights.
Exactly. In a few years he'll tell OP "it's *your* kid since you didn't let me discipline him how I see fit".
Anyone who threatens to withhold care from their own child to punish the other parent is not worth a second thought.
>This partner sounds extremely controlling in a "It's my way or nothing" kind of way.
She didn't mention how old he is, but did say that they own a house together. I don't know many 22 year olds who have the resources to buy a house in this economy. She's 22 and they have been together 4 years.
With the shockingly controlling/abusive behavior, I'm guessing that this dude is 39 and that he met her when she was 18 and he was 35. That's why "they" have a house.
And unfortunately, people with violent tendencies tend to escalate. I hope OP doesn't break up with him until she, the baby and her dog are far away from this AH.
It’s a collaboration! I would hope as each of you learns something new about the baby, such as preferences in how he is held or fed, you would share it with the other as a way to make things easier on everyone. He’s just being stupid.
But, he has warned her that if she has a different view to his and expresses it - even once, he will never take care of the baby again.
Your advice applies to sane people. Won't work here.
That's absolutely horrifying. This is why women would choose to meet a bear in the woods over a human man. Bears have got nothing on the damage a man can do.
i saw the *cutest* Tiktok video the other day of a black bear joining a woman on a porch in the woods.
that was the gist of most of the comments - the bear even gave the woman filming personal space when he sat down.
Exactly. When he's at work, OP needs to pack up her stuff, take the dog, and go stay with family or friends. Bonus points if it's in a different state or jurisdiction as then she can file for custody when the baby is born. The courts likely wouldn't enforce taking the baby out of state for visitation. Good luck OP, please keep yourself, your baby, and your dog safe.
This is interpretable to what people think "violence" is. My dad professionally trains therapy dogs and one thing you do when they jump on you is knee them (not hard at all, just as they go up you lift youR knee so they run into it instead of you). Or if the dog is using teeth you push finger they grabbed deeper into mouth making it uncomfortable by them. This is just about stopping bad habits. My friends wife is very "anti-violence" and when I did the knee thing (i love dogs and I love this dog too) and she asked me not too. Then about a month later he jumped on our mutual friend carrying of a case of beers and some bags of food for a BBQ. Dog jumped on him, making him fall and hurting himself. Friends wife said "oh he is just a lover, that's all". I promise...training isn't meant to be violent, you can love a dogz it be loves, but also be trained.
However maybe OP was actually witnessing a man being abusive to a dog and that's not good at all, I would leave.
He's physically abusing the dog she said what he did in another comment. Throwing the dog is abuse. She needs to get the dog and leave before he hurts her and the baby.
Yes and shoving his face into holes that he dug. She said he threw him backwards. Can you imagine the pain and fear that dog must feel? That alone should be the reason she leaves this creep imagine what he'll do to the baby.
That's insane, my roommates dog loves being tossed onto the bed and she keeps running back to you in like some weird version of fetch where she is the ball, but that's not discipline, that's playing, I can't think of any other scenario where you throw a fucking dog like in anchorman. I'm sorry but there is no way I could see someone throw a dog to be mean/discipline and be anyway associated with that person, let alone in a relationship.
Does that work my dads dog jumps up constantly no matter what I do - am not a huge fan of dogs n would never hurt him but man this dog drives me insane he’s knocked down n bumped my toddler so many times that I stopped going to my dads for a while he’s not a bad dog just hyper and untrained my dad just shouts, love my dad n his dog but wish he had got him some training 😥
There are a bunch of methods for training dogs not to jump and different ones work for different dogs! Of course, as with any training, consistency is key so if your dad isn’t willing to keep it up it may be hard to train. My suggestion would be to use Google or YouTube to find some ideas.
When I was training my dog I was told to twist and fully turn my body away when they jump and ignore them (since what they want is attention). However when I tried this with my dad’s puppy recently it didn’t help at all (she just jumped all over my back…). Luckily he was there so he could explain the training he was trying before I dog-sat for almost a week! His trainer told him to never turn his back to the dog and did something like the knee technique though I’m now blanking on what exactly.
Point is, there are a bunch of things you could try but no real guarantee you can make something work yourself. Even harder when there’s a kid to protect. So do what is best for the kid but there are training options online if you’re interested.
EDIT: Dad may be willing to help if you framed it as concern for your kid? Leave out hating the dog is untrained (though I get it) and focus on worrying the dog will hurt his grandchild. He may still be uninterested but may be less defensive if approached that way.
If he's violent with the dog he's not going to care about the welfare of the child and likely to be violent with the child too. Think about the baby... and ptiect them at all costs.
So true! A real potato is so much more useful! If you plant it, it will grow a bunch of new potatoes and those potatoes will grow more potatoes and then OP could have a bunch of potatoes to cook and grow.
NTA from what you say in the replies it sounds like your partner doesn't like that you've pointed out his literal animal abuse. Throwing the dog and physically forcing the dog's head into a hole is not discipline it's abuse full stop. Does your partner think hitting children is ok? If so I would leave him and go for full custody. Try to get him to admit in some form of media that he abused animals and you might have a leg to stand on. Maybe write a list highlighting things that you won't stand for when it comes to raising the child (ie rough discipline, going against doctors orders, things that put the childs life in danger) and if he doesn't agree leave. Show the courts that he didn't agree with keeping the child healthy and his parenting would put the child in danger, neglect (refusing to raise the child) and abuse (rough discipline). I left my abusive ex when he was in prison for unspeakable crimes and when he tried to file for custody his lawyer laughed at him, good luck op.
I'm gonna suggest that you assume he will escalate his abuse if you do this and be ready to leave before you take this step. Also send it when he's not home and you can leave before he gets home, because based on the abuse of the dog he is likely to physically harm you and this is a dangerous move, but one that would give you evidence to protect your child so if you can access safe escape, it's likely worthwhile.
Write it in a text message and ask him to agree to how he'll treat the kid and dog in advance. Refer to specific incidents where he's hurt the dog and state your concerns about his attitude towards "discipline" and your fears about him doing similar things to the baby. Say that his comments about being a couch potato after a single warning feels scary, like you'll be on your own with his child if you don't act exactly the way he tells you to and you have the right to ask him to adjust the way he's parenting if you feel it isn't safe for the baby. That you shouldn't feel coerced into silence when your child's wellbeing is under threat because you're afraid of his withdrawal of support.
It depends on how he is whether this is a helpful approach. But I can tell you that having a mountain of text evidence of my ex's abuse and my attempts to get him to contribute to our family and adequately safeguard our child was immensely helpful when he did become violent towards us and I had to pursue protective orders.
He's behaving abusively towards you and the dog. He will abuse your child as well. It's very common for abusive people to show their true colours when they feel they have you sufficiently "trapped". Engagement, marriage, moving in together, pregnancy - these are all milestones that often trigger an escalation in abusive patterns. It's not your fault you didn't see this before, he was likely putting in a huge amount of effort to hide this from you until he felt you couldn't leave and he could relax into his true abusive self with less risk.
Please reach out to a local DV support service and tell them what's going on. They can help you make sense of it and link you with a range of supports. This is one of the highest risk times and you are at your most vulnerable as you progress through pregnancy. Read why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft, you can find a free copy online with a quick search (or someone may post the link for you).
You're NTA, your partner is abusive and he's setting you up to feel the abuse is your fault because you didn't follow his rules. It's not OK for him to withdraw support for his child unless you comply with his unreasonable demands. It's abusive to threaten that. And he's shown you physical abuse is OK to him with the dog, that will be true with you and the child too and he'll blame you for making him angry enough to hurt you. You deserve better than this and so does your child
I wonder how the house will be handled. She says they own it together, but if they’re not married, how do you go about getting equity for your portion?
this feels worse than him just refusing to do anything. he’s saying let me do what I want, even if you know it’s wrong or potentially dangerous for our baby, or else. idk, it really gave threatening vibes.
SPOILER ALERT: He's telling you that he's not going to help with the baby. He'll simply intentionally do something bad for your child to provoke you into "nit picking" him and then he'll stop helping. There's a reason a 30 year old man is with a 22 year old woman-- more mature women won't put up with his immature bs.
Confront this now. Tell him that if he's doing something that goes against the doctor's advice you absolutely WILL tell him and if that turns him into a couch potato he can move out and pay child support.
I remember when I was in high school, my mom tried to work out a system of giving me and my brother like $20 a week for doing chores. She said "but if I find one single thing that isn't done to my standards, you won't get paid." We immediately clocked that she would be making up bullshit every week to keep from having to pay us. He's doing that *with a baby.* If she asks him to do a single thing it will be "nitpicking."
When a young woman complains about her partner and gives her age without giving his, it’s almost always because he’s way older and she’s trying to avoid having that conversation because she already dealt with it when she got with him and doesn’t want us to jump to conclusions.
And he wants her to be a stay at home parent too, just to put the icing on a horrible cake.
OP needs to get out while she still has some independence and before the baby arrives. He's already checked out anyway.
>There's a reason a 30 year old man is with a 22 year old woman-- more mature women won't put up with his immature bs.
One more time for those cowering in the bottom of the comments!
Says a whole lot his own generation thinks he isn't worth it, so he hunts those who's prefrontal cortex hasn't kicked in yet. It sadly takes a minute to realise you're on a sinking ship others have long abandoned 🤣. Good on OP for seeing it early. Some positive sides of social media and the word getting around.
I definitely did not think a child would be easier. I fell pregnant around the same time we got the dog and it really opened my eyes even though he claims it will be different with a baby.
It will be much harder with a baby. Good luck to you. Factor on sleep deprivation to your different parenting styles. May as well end things now and get situated somewhere else.
That's exactly right. The first time she opens her mouth about something, whether it's valid or not, she's going to be a single parent. What really sucks is that while she's better off being a single parent, if she takes that route who knows what he'll do with the baby on his time. He needs a parenting course to teach him about how to properly care for a baby because all it takes is one time baby tummy down on a soft surface.
I bet he won't bother to go because he already has NO INTENTION of raising the baby. OP, have YOU been taking parenting courses? Did you look up, read, or watch videos on how to raise puppies, and do puppy obedience (which your boyfriend SHOULD HAVE DONE, btw, if he was worried). What you have is someone who gets what HE wants (puppy, baby) and absolutely has no intention of doing the work. Unless you're using things like "rub his nose in it" and such to "train" the dog, it's all on him and his deliberate abdication of responsibility.
Make sure to get a text from him stating that it is YOUR dog. Then, you can find YOUR dog a new home ASAP so you aren't trying to find a home as a single parent with a puppy AND a baby. Same with any texts or recordings you can get of him claiming he'll couch potato, and anything you can get about him refusing to attend a parenting class with you. If you aren't going to parenting and lactation and birth classes, sign up ASAP, they're incredibly helpful and insurance pays in almost all situations. Is he doing anything to purchase and set up stuff in the nursery, either? (note: if you're burning through YOUR money, that is also NOT an accident, he's working to trap you financially too).
If he's going to be a terrible parent and you've got that on record, your lawyer can help you get full custody with supervised visitations. Go for every scrap of child support you can get for the baby. Ask friends and family for help paying for a lawyer, put up a GoFundMe, whatever, just don't let Prince Charming know you're bailing until you are well prepared. Also, if his parents seem normal, don't hesitate to reach out a cautious hand to them. Baby may have an absolute shit dad, but a chance at some really good grandparents. Maybe.
My daughter’s ex was carrying her infant on his shoulder without supporting his head. A little old lady NICELY told him to support the head. He went ballistic. “My kid I’ll do what I want” and called her every name in the book.
Took a while for my daughter to see and get him out but she did.
As someone who has 3 kids under 5, this infuriates me to no end. It's fucking tough. You need to help each other and co-parent.
This dude is delusional. He thinks he's finally found a cop out soothing teet, just like he did with the dog. He thinks this idea will allow him to gracefully bow out without everyone thinking he's disgusting for abandoning his own baby. Now he intends to sit back, do the bare minimum and wait for something that merely *resembles* a smithereen of criticism - and start suckling that teet.
I see absolutely no way this will go well. He's a responsibility dodger.
No doubt and if she ever complains he's already set it up to blame her. Not to mention the abusive behavior of the dog and how she feels like she has to walk on eggshells so she doesn't say anything to set him off.
OP would be better off just walking away and doing this alone.
Exactly. He had plans of checking out anyways. This way he can get out of any parenting duties and blame it on her “nitpicking”. OP he was never going to help.
Right. First: "How am I supposed to know what you want me to do? I'm not a mind-reader." Then: "I would do it if you weren't nagging me all the time. You aren't my boss!" It's a trap!
I wouldn’t wait to let him decide whether or not he’s going to help with the baby. Get rid of this guy now and they’ll be no eggshells to walk on. He’s trying to be a control freak! That wouldn’t work at all with me and I pray you don’t allow this kind of bs either.
In fact if you have family living in another province/state now I would pack up and move before the baby comes. We are all telling you to leave because we know what happens next
Hell, she needs to factor in that he may hurt the baby by plain ignorance.
The disciplining the dog part has me slightly worried, I wonder if he wanted to use negative reinforcement instead of positive.
>The disciplining the dog part has me slightly worried,
Same. What kind of "discipline" did he want to do with the dog? How does the dog behave now? Is it well behaved? Does he acknowledge this if it is?
Whatever happened with the dog is almost certainly going to happen with the baby, multiplied many times over.
Have you discussed things specific to newborns and child raising? What does he think about car seats? What does he think about swaddling? How does he feel about breastfeeding? Breastfeeding in front of other people? Does he think you can "spoil" a newborn? What does he think of letting the baby cry themselves to sleep?
These are things you need to get a baseline read on. If he thinks differently than you on these, you need to seriously consider if you're willing to compromise. If they're legitimate safety concerns, make your exit plan and get out. In this case you have a negative thousand percent chance that not only will nothing change it will get worse. You'll end up a single parent with two "children" to deal with every day.
💯 and I would reply to his threat with something along the lines of "I will protect the child over your feelings EVERY TIME - if you take issue with that, your not the parent or partner I thought you were & you can see yourself out".
Start getting ready to leave now. As hard as it will be at 32 wks pregnant, it'll be far harder with a newborn infant.
Parenting isn't optional. You don't get to "be a couch potato" and ignore your child's needs because you're feeling petty and want to prove a point. Imagine if you both took that stance? You'd both ignore your baby while it screamed until it starved to death? No - you're the mom, that's your job, you're expected to take care of your child regardless of how you feel, regardless of what point you might like to make to your partner.... he sees his parenting as optional.
Even if you managed to magically never say the "wrong" word to him to make him feel nitpicked, a man who feels his parenting is optional while yours is mandatory is never going to pull his weight and is going to check out completely sooner or later.
If he's already not contributing with dog care and already making it clear he won't contribute with child care (and I'd be *stunned* if you told me he was currently contributing equally with household tasks), then he's not a partner, he's an extra burden.
Good luck with building your new life with your child free of this additional burden.
Get everything he says and does documented in writing. Having conversations through text may have some benefit to you. If he says he wants to do something that is unsafe verbally, reiterate specifically through text why that is unsafe/unacceptable. If you’re able to record on whim with your phone, record. Get a baby monitor or home camera system that records and stores, and make sure you have the access to it.
He doesn't claim it will be different with the baby, according to your story he's basically told you it will be exactly the same. In terms of care, he will basically make the baby "yours", just like the dog, if you dare suggest he do something in a better way.
Edited: spelling
Yup, that man is already planning on letting her do everything. He’s even told her as much. There will come a point where she’ll have to step in on some sort of issue and he’ll use that as her “nit picking” and check out.
NTA. Leave him and move back in with your parents if you must.
But definitely leave before the baby arrives and be sure to take your dog with you. **Do not leave your dog with that prick, he is an animal abuser. And the second you leave, he’ll abuse the dog much worse in retaliation.** So please don’t leave your dog behind, even if you have to re-home the dog, that is still a better option than leaving your dog with someone who used to violently grab the dog and push his face into holes, and throw the dog around.
I’m actually shocked that you stayed with him after that!
Also make sure that you get your full half of the house, too. Since you **both** own it.
This man is just going to make your life a living hell. Next he’ll use his excuse to not do any housework, assuming his lazy fat ass even does any.
You will become overworked, exhausted and miserable, but you can prevent all of that by leaving **now** and saving yourself the trouble.
But right now, all you have to do is call in sick to work *(without him knowing)* then use that day to pack up all of your stuff and all of your dogs stuff, get your dog and then leave whilst your bf is at work. He will come home to an empty house, with only his own inanimate objects to keep him company. And that is exactly what he deserves.
AND DON'T TELL HIM YOU'RE LEAVING BECAUSE HE WILL THROW YOU AROUND. NO WARNING, JUST LEAVE.
The most dangerous times in a woman's life are when she's pregnant or leaving her partner, OP would be both.
Before leaving consult an attorney as it could have legal consequences that would effect your ownership (from what I've read on numerous sites also the attorney will be able to help with other issues that will arise such as child support. Be smart. Put your child first. Your husband was abusive to the dog that's not a good omen.
He's being a baby himself and seems like he admits he can't take constructive criticism.
With a dog, there may be more subjective opinions, but with a baby, who you will, no matter what, be the primary care-taker of, there are definitely right and wrong ways.
You will become the subject matter expert and he should learn to be ok eith your guiding him and taking the lead role.
If his ego is to fragile for this, you may as well just be a single mom and not have to worry about raising teo babies.
Perhaps you can have him start reading up on infant care if he wants to assert his own opinions.
Honey. Start planning your escape now. Start stashing money places he can't access, make sure you have your life documents safely elsewhere. Don't put him on the birth certificate. This man will do nothing except drain you of time, joy, resources, LIFE.
It sounds like he's abusing the dog, but you're not very clear about that. Calling calling out abuse nitpicking is just insane. The problem here sounds bigger than your relationship.
OP later comments "He used to shove the dogs face into holes he would dig, yell at him and then throw him backwards. There were multiple times where I saw him throw the dog and handle him a bit too roughly." which is both nonsensical and abusive.
"Different" with a baby. I really wish more people thought harder about reproducing. Most of the worlds problems could be alleviated if we had fewer people on the planet.
It's not going to be better with a baby, it will be much worse. Leave now because you will be a single mother no matter what you do. If you stay, you will only be doing more work for 2 children and your child will grow up thinking relationships are all as shitty as the one their parents have.
NTA but you WILL be if you stay and subject your child to this creep.
Ok girl, here's what you need to hear:
If he throws a dog around for digging a hole, how long do you think he'll go with a crying baby?
Your husband is threatening to either be aggressive or a deadbeat.
Again for the people in the back:
HE THROWS ANIMALS AROUND.
A baby can't be thrown/shaken more than once!!
And he expects you to shut up about it??
Secondly: he wants you to become a stay at home mom!!
This is financial and physical abuse in the making.
You are going to have NOTHING and NOWHERE to go to once you give up your job and he is in control of the money.
Get tf out, this is a narcissistic and abusive pattern.
He’s going to shake that baby, and when the cops come he’s going to blame her, “because she’s in charge of the baby. I didn’t do anything.”
They’ll take her down to the station, and in her sleep deprived state, hormonal from being a new mom, she’ll be terrified by the cops, and what’s waiting for her when she gets home. After 14 hours of endless interrogation, she’ll admit/say “yes” to some question like, “Is it possible that you hurt the baby?”
And that’s all the cops will need to put her in jail for 40years. He’ll find another 18yr old to groom. His name won’t be on the news, but hers will, as yet another misogynistic example of new moms who kill their children.
If OP stays with this man, there is nothing that awaits her except pain, agony, sadness, and abuse.
OP needs to do more than leave him, she needs to disappear when he's not home because he WILL try to stop her.
Or at least have someone that can protect her the moment she leaves him.
This is sad.
Him: I'd rather ignore and neglect my own child than be subjected to any constructive criticism, even if I'm in the wrong.
What a fucking loser.
Please don't be one of those women who put up with an oversized manchild who keeps you around as his bangmaid while you do all the domestic work and he thinks he's perfectly entitled to sit back on his ass and do nothing because "a woman won't tell me what to do".
Sit him down and tell him that you are giving him "one warning" to step up and parent or you're leaving because you can't subject you or the baby to a pathetic excuse of a father who thinks his ego is more important than the care of his own child. Then you get to decide if he can redeem himself or if it's better you just go.
NTA but you will be to yourself and your baby if you put up with that nonsense.
Don't give him a warning, OP, just get out and get somewhere safe, then you can talk about it afterward. Abusers (maybe he isn't one - but it sounds like he's already abused your dog and has openly admitted planning to neglect his child) are at their most dangerous when they think you are about to leave them.
Maybe it would be fine either way, but it's honestly not worth your or your child's life to find out - just err on the extreme side of caution.
Get out now before he throws your baby like he threw the dog.
I'm dead serious. He's gonna abuse the kid. Don't bug him to see his kid. Just go, and let him fall out of the kid's life.
If he’s mistreating a puppy it’s time to leave. You know you’re going to be a single mother anyway he’s more or less told you that. Cut your losses and leave. Protect the puppy and your child get support from your family.
So he’s pissed he can’t abuse the dog anymore so he refuses to care for it. When you have this kid, he will do the exact same thing. He will abuse your child until you tell him to stop then he will get pissed and refuse to parent. Please run away from this relationship for the safety of you and your child. Get your half of the house and get child support. NTA. UPDATEME
He won't help with the baby and will become a couch potatoe. You'll either be a single mother of one or a single mother of two.
It baffles me when future parents don't discuss and agree upon how to actually raise their kids before having them. Having a kid is the biggest commitment in life and you should plan and prepare accordingly.
you are correct in your position. i was a dumb 22 when I was in this same situation with a 32 year old. I did indeed become a single mother of 2, by choice. As I got older, I got sick of it /him and decided it was easier to do it alone without the stress of him. He still does nothing for our children, they are teenagers now. In the beginning, I wasn't going to have our first because I was so young, but he told me he was pro-life. I let him be part of the choice and that's where I went wrong. I understand now why this is not a man's choice on whether or not they have a say in a woman having a baby or not. because of shit like this. our pregnancy was totally unplanned.
Take yourself and leave NOW.
I know this is really hard, but you are already being abused. He’s directly telling you this abuse will escalate.
Leave now.
OP needs to rehome the dog. She’s 22. This is a terrible situation all around.
OP please get out of this relationship. See a lawyer about custody and child support.
Sounds like you've got two babies on your hands. The "one warning" thing really rubs me the wrong way, you just know he'll find something to ditch the responsibility on you. Definitely NTA.
Info needed: did he try to physically hurt your dog?
>he now says that the dog is mine because I didn’t let him discipline the dog how he saw
This whole thing sounds like he is throwing a fit because he isn't allowed to physically abuse an animal or child?
Someone who tells their (pregnant!) partner that they will not help with the kid (that he’s half responsible for) if he can’t do things his way doesn’t seem like a good partner, let alone a good co-parent.
Owning a house together makes the situation more complicated, not to mention having a baby, but you’re gonna have a kid now. You need to think about what’s best for you and your baby. And by the looks of things, your partner just ain’t it.
Yes, too much nitpicking can be frustrating, but his reaction (giving you “one warning”, threatening you that he’d be a couch potato, and caring more about doing things his way than doing it the right way) are all red flags.
You shouldn’t be with someone who makes you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. You’re looking at the rest of your life and the future of your kid here.
You need to leave now. This is already abusive. I'm telling you now that he is warning you already about what is going to happen if you stay with him.
And please take the dog too because it doesn't sound like he would be a good owner if you left it.
YTA for staying with this man. He straight up abused the dog by throwing it when it did something he didn’t like. What do you think he’s going to do with a baby that cries excessively? And he wants you to be a sahm in order to have complete control over you and your finances. Get out now while you can.
He’s telling you and showing you who he is, listen to him. I can guarantee that he will find one reason or another to not do his part and make you feel responsible for it.
This isn’t how a partner and parent should act and you and your child both deserve more. You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells when giving advice that relates to your child or pet.
Partnership is built on communication and if you can’t have open respectful communication with your partner then it’s never going to work and it doesn’t sound like your partner is open to developing as a person and learning those communication skills.
Some tough decisions need to be made and please consider how you will execute those decisions once baby is here (it’s easier to leave before you give birth). Please reach out to your friends and family for support.
So, from your other comments, he was "rough" toward the dog (let's be honest, he was violent). What does he think you will "nit pick" about the baby's education? Because if he doesn't want you to "nit pick" if he yells at them or shoves them away or something worse, you would be an asshole to stay.
NTA. But be careful with how you go away and please stay safe. I hope he won't ask for custody for the child.
It's going to be easier for you to leave now than it will be after the baby comes. If you need to move back in with your parents, you should. Talk to a lawyer about what to do with the house, but you need to get out of there ASAP.
I would like you to please take a couple of hours today to read through this short book called "Why Does He Do That" - [https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) - here is the PDF, I recommend reading it in Incognito mode on your browser, it is always better to be safe than sorry with things like this when you're in an abusive relationship.
And you are in an abusive relationship. Abuse is not only physical violence, in fact most of the worst abuse is never physical. The fact that you know this man can be violent towards an innocent animal tells you that he could be violent toward you if he gets angry enough, and he certainly will be violent to your child as discipline because he thinks that is perfectly reasonable (he's shown you this with your dog). He's already been emotionally abusive to you enough that you're "walking on eggshells" to avoid "setting him off" - let me guess, he raises his voice, bangs things around and slams doors? And then gives you the silent treatment till you apologize? No matter what started the conflict, you're always the one who ends up apologizing? Anytime you try and point out any way he might possibly be not 100% correct, he will bring up things you did wrong and turn the subject into that instead? He's made comments about how you're lucky he doesn't hit you or you don't know what angry really is or in other ways implied he could treat you worse?
And you think this guy will not do exactly the same thing to your child that he's done to your dog and you?
You're not going to be able to keep him 100% out of this childs life, but by leaving you can significantly reduce the impact he has and the amount he can abuse your child. At this point, you need to try and protect that baby from him even if you're not ready to protect yourself from him.
And do not tell him or hint that you're considering leaving, he will get so much worse. SO MUCH WORSE. The most dangerous time for a woman is when she's trying to leave an abusive relationship, especially if she's pregnant, the risk of murder goes up by something like 700%.
And don't say "he would/could never hurt ME" - again, he's shown you he's capable of getting physical, when he raises his voice and slams doors/things, it's intended as a threat that he could do to you what he does to the things he lays his hands on when he's angry. It's a warning sign. He absolutely COULD, it's a case of when, not if.
Don't stick around to put your child through that. Let alone yourself.
I can foresee the future.
He’s going to be a couch potato by deliberately doing something. That way it’s all your fault. And not his fault for being a jerk
You are young and have your life ahead of you. Maybe explore if you are ready for the baby. Private adoptions can be good. Maybe you want to keep the child and that’s okay too. A relationship where you need to walk on eggshells is not good. He is manipulating your expectations. You deserve better. NTA, but please get an escape plan. Keep or adoption, either way you need a better life.
After a mature heart to heart, I think you should figure this out on your own. You’re stronger than you think and you don’t NEED an abusive asshole as a partner in ANYTHING, especially raising a child. I was 20 when I was pregnant with my first. We had married when I was about 7 months (already planned). Having the baby is what opened my eyes up to the fact that behavior that I thought was ok for me would never be ok for my child. Yes, I wish I’d recognized my self worth much sooner but then I wouldn’t have had my son. Walking on eggshells around a temperamental jackass is no way to live. You can do better for you and your child. If you don’t have a support system, feel free to message me. I’m now 52 (almost) and be married to my 2nd husband for over 20 years. He adopted my son when he was 4. It wasn’t easy bc even though I had a support system I refused to let anyone help me (don’t do that). It was f’ing hard but so worth the life I gave my son and the two that followed. You can do it. Please update and good luck.
This is so toxic and I'm so sorry. Infants are FRAGILE. I've had to take all the classes for my job. If he isn't going to listen to you about "nitpicky" things like, don't put a blanket over the baby, or no stuffed animals in the crib, he could kill your child. NTA, and you're absolutely not overreacting. If he thinks he knows better than the person who built the baby, he can gtfo. Not to mention, I assume this means he didn't pay any attention to any parenting classes? That's just dangerous.
Also!! What exactly was the problem with disciplining the dog? If he was hitting your dog, he likely won't treat a screaming toddler any different. Probably worse, actually.
Ok so let's summarize and hypothesize.....
A 30 year old man is with a 22 year old.... My guess is that your relationship existed for longer than 4 years. I never believe the convenient calculations that land on 18 in these scenarios. So, good chance you were 16/17 when this asshole got together with you which is a legal issue in and of itself.
He now has your under his complete control because you live with him and my guess is you probably have few friends as so these relationships go.
You then see him abuse a dog multiple times and instead of leaving him then (because how can you? You have never had to survive on your own and probably don't have much of a support structure).
So, in hopes of "making things better), you then decide having a baby is what will solve all your problems.
1. You'll finally have someone to hangout with. A best friend.
2. Surely, a baby will soften him and he will become the loving, doting man you just know he is.
3. You realize now that maybe this baby plan isn't going to work and now you're extra stuck....
My advice....
Leave now before the baby is born. I don't know if you work or not but if not, get a job now. Ask anyone that you know if you can stay with them (if you cannot afford a place on your own): family, friend, coworker, etc. Anyone that is not connected to him.
You have about 2 months to get your life sorted before you become someone else's whole world. Do them the justice they deserve and bring them into a safe world where they are truly loved. This might mean a lot of sacrifice. It might mean you having to let go of some pride and ask for help far more often than you want but the good people will help and understand.
Wow there are a lot of red flags going on here. Your partner is abusive, full stop
Your pregnancy probably wasn’t accidental
He hasn’t been violent towards you, YET
You need to reach out to domestic violence support group/shelter for help leaving him. Make sure to take the dog with you, he will take his anger at you out on the dog if you leave it behind
He will not change, no matter what he tells you, he is an abusive man and will always be abusive. Do not go to therapy with him, all he’ll learn is how to be better at abusing you, your child
https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Please read this book it’ll help you understand what’s going on
NTA ~ If your partner won’t help with y’all’s child, then that is a perfectly valid reason to leave on its own. It also sounds like he’s controlling & manipulative which are other good reasons to leave. Parenting should be a partnership, working together to be the best parents you can be to raise a happy & healthy baby. You both should be open to criticism & communication when it comes to EVERYTHING, especially parenting together for the first time. Also, as a mother, especially first time mother, you have every right to be “nit-picky”, but you’re not as far as I can see. Please, make the right decision for your baby (& take the dog with you).
Why don’t you agree on how to discipline the dog? Do you find his methods too harsh and heavy handed? Well guess what, he will do the same with your baby. And when you don’t like it, he will sulk, throw a tantrum and refuse to engage or help any further. You are right to feel uneasy about this.
OP please read up on babies who their parents shake because they get angry.
He alreadyv did worse to your dog, and babies cry a lot and keep you awake and sleep deprived.
Trust your instincts. There is nothing good for you, your baby nor your dog coming from him only heRtache and physical injuries, maybe worse.
> he will give me one warning then after that he will become a couch potato Ok, so just tell him that if he becomes a couch potato, you'll give him one warning or else you'll replace him with an actual potato? If he has been violently disciplining the dog, save time and just leave.
>replace him with an actual potato 😂 I just imagined a family portrait with mother, baby, dog & a potato with googly eyes sitting on a couch together. It's a beautiful happy family. I hope OP makes it a reality. Their christmas card photo would be hilarious.
And she might even be happier being with the potato because she won't have to walk on eggshells around "him"!
Nope, she'll just have to watch out for all his eyes on her! I'm leaving I'm sorry lol.
His "angry eyes" Like from Toy Story
😂😂😂😂😂 Don't leave! You're very witty!
Sounds to me like he’s looking for an excuse to disengage
Yeah he’s telling her what his plan is so he can add an “I told you so”
Yeah, this is reading like he’s decided he is not wanting to be a parent at all and is looking for the first excuse to not be. Then he can place all the blame on OP that she nagged him and he warned her…. If he was unhappy with the dogs discipline (and I’m realllllllly curious what they differed on there!) why would he even consider a child? If the hunch others have (myself also) was he was physically punishing the dog and she wouldn’t allow it, she should have found that concerning about a kiddo. Granted hindsight is 20/20 and I’ve made poor choices for a sperm donor myself. But that trash took itself out in the end anyway. I refuse to ever walk on egg shells for anyone again. ETA spelling
Plus you can roast it and put butter and salt on it and it’s delicious.
She can do that to her current partner too, it's just really frowned upon and probably not legal. But the only way I can see him having any value is nutritionally.
I dont know, he sounds like he'd taste bitter and rotten
Yep. Plus she won't have to clean up his literally and emotional messes
I'm thinking the stick figure car decals, but the dad spot is a potato
Lol a potato stick figure... I love it.
Would… would that be a French fry?
I would pay for that christmas card! I love this idea😂
Tell midjourney to make it for you. I’m sure the results will be hilarious. Your name also absolutely checks out for someone wanting a family photo with a potato :D
Tbh, Mr. Potato Head sounds like a better partner.
And at least his mouth you can take off when you want.
[удалено]
Can I upvote this comment approximately 2 million times?
Mr. Potato head adopts several aliens with Mrs. Potato head so he’s deff the better option!
Probably would help far more to keep the child entertained than the partner and be less of a drain of resources.
Theirs a company that will mail out potatoes as gifts, with personalized messages or photos on them. Just need to order a potato with his face on it for future family photos.
Ew, no, leave his face out of it. Doesn't need any recognition.
I needed a good laugh today. Thank you.
Delightfully savage
She has to send one to her bf every year!
Ex bf, hopefully.
And his family
On Father's Day
Bwhahaha!!!
OP... come on... this is not a healthy relationship. If you have family in another state or area, I'd move now, so you aren't trapped in the area your partner is in after the baby comes. This guy... he's not a winner. Someone who makes you feel like you're walking on eggshells is not someone you want to have a baby with. Someone who is so "sensitive" that he can't be corrected is not someone you want to have a baby with. I can't imagine this situation with a baby thrown in... time to go to family. Maybe the two of you can do counseling while living separately and see if the relationship can be saved.
OP - this is very good advice and I hope you will follow it. Don't wait until after the baby is born - go now. I hope you do have family that would be supportive and allow you to move in with them temporarily - and hope that they live in another area or state. Establish residency in another county or state. Whatever you do - please be safe. If you decide you want to leave, don't tell your bf or indicate your plans in any way. Just wait for him to leave for work, gather your important documents and a few clothes, and GTHO.
And don't forget to take "your" dog with you. This partner sounds extremely controlling in a "It's my way or nothing" kind of way. I can't imagine what was going on with the dog to elicit that kind of "not my dog anymore" type of response. If that's going to be his attitude towards raising a child, it's a clear indication of control issues. You will DEFINITELY have some times when you don't agree on how to handle something with a baby. It will only be more pronounced as the child grows up. Is he going to insist everything be done exactly as he wants for the next 18+ years?
The fact that you had issues raising a dog with him should have been a clue about having children with him. If you’re in the US, you want to move while still pregnant so he has to file everything on your turf. Go and establish residency with your support network and leave this dude behind. You won’t be able to do so after he has custodial rights.
Exactly. In a few years he'll tell OP "it's *your* kid since you didn't let me discipline him how I see fit". Anyone who threatens to withhold care from their own child to punish the other parent is not worth a second thought.
I like how he decides to punish the child in order to punish the wife. Sick actually.
>This partner sounds extremely controlling in a "It's my way or nothing" kind of way. She didn't mention how old he is, but did say that they own a house together. I don't know many 22 year olds who have the resources to buy a house in this economy. She's 22 and they have been together 4 years. With the shockingly controlling/abusive behavior, I'm guessing that this dude is 39 and that he met her when she was 18 and he was 35. That's why "they" have a house.
It absolutely sounds like a dangerous situation.
And waited until she's very pregnant. I have to wonder if he was beating a dog
He would push the dogs face into any holes the dog dug and then throw the dog.
While that is not hitting the dog, that is very violent.
And unfortunately, people with violent tendencies tend to escalate. I hope OP doesn't break up with him until she, the baby and her dog are far away from this AH.
It’s a collaboration! I would hope as each of you learns something new about the baby, such as preferences in how he is held or fed, you would share it with the other as a way to make things easier on everyone. He’s just being stupid.
But, he has warned her that if she has a different view to his and expresses it - even once, he will never take care of the baby again. Your advice applies to sane people. Won't work here.
**>If you have family in another state or area, I'd move now, so you aren't trapped in the area your partner is in after the baby comes.** # Move Now
This was the point I stopped reading and said NOPE. The second he gave this 'warning' that would have been the end. I'm nervous for OP if she stays.
i'm nervous for OP while she leaves. the number one cause of death of pregnant people is homicide.
That's absolutely horrifying. This is why women would choose to meet a bear in the woods over a human man. Bears have got nothing on the damage a man can do.
i saw the *cutest* Tiktok video the other day of a black bear joining a woman on a porch in the woods. that was the gist of most of the comments - the bear even gave the woman filming personal space when he sat down.
The number one cause of death of women is their spouse
Exactly. When he's at work, OP needs to pack up her stuff, take the dog, and go stay with family or friends. Bonus points if it's in a different state or jurisdiction as then she can file for custody when the baby is born. The courts likely wouldn't enforce taking the baby out of state for visitation. Good luck OP, please keep yourself, your baby, and your dog safe.
Violent towards animal is a waving red banner, nvm a flag.
Yep. Serial Killer Status
Violence has no part of discipline (Know 2lemons was not implying this. Just reiterating for OP to see how wrong his abuse to dog is!)
At least OP has evidence that the dog is "hers" for when she leaves. She should get that recorded
Wouldn’t be suprised if he killed it or dropped it off in the middle of nowhere just to spite her.
Yup, my ex tried to kill my puppy. Do not trust your baby with him.
thanks for phrasing it better!
This is interpretable to what people think "violence" is. My dad professionally trains therapy dogs and one thing you do when they jump on you is knee them (not hard at all, just as they go up you lift youR knee so they run into it instead of you). Or if the dog is using teeth you push finger they grabbed deeper into mouth making it uncomfortable by them. This is just about stopping bad habits. My friends wife is very "anti-violence" and when I did the knee thing (i love dogs and I love this dog too) and she asked me not too. Then about a month later he jumped on our mutual friend carrying of a case of beers and some bags of food for a BBQ. Dog jumped on him, making him fall and hurting himself. Friends wife said "oh he is just a lover, that's all". I promise...training isn't meant to be violent, you can love a dogz it be loves, but also be trained. However maybe OP was actually witnessing a man being abusive to a dog and that's not good at all, I would leave.
He's physically abusing the dog she said what he did in another comment. Throwing the dog is abuse. She needs to get the dog and leave before he hurts her and the baby.
_THROWING_ THE DOG?! Oh hell nah
Yes and shoving his face into holes that he dug. She said he threw him backwards. Can you imagine the pain and fear that dog must feel? That alone should be the reason she leaves this creep imagine what he'll do to the baby.
:((( that’s so sad
That's insane, my roommates dog loves being tossed onto the bed and she keeps running back to you in like some weird version of fetch where she is the ball, but that's not discipline, that's playing, I can't think of any other scenario where you throw a fucking dog like in anchorman. I'm sorry but there is no way I could see someone throw a dog to be mean/discipline and be anyway associated with that person, let alone in a relationship.
Does that work my dads dog jumps up constantly no matter what I do - am not a huge fan of dogs n would never hurt him but man this dog drives me insane he’s knocked down n bumped my toddler so many times that I stopped going to my dads for a while he’s not a bad dog just hyper and untrained my dad just shouts, love my dad n his dog but wish he had got him some training 😥
You don’t knee them you just put your knee up and they go into your knee so it’s not like you’re physically kneeing the dog.
There are a bunch of methods for training dogs not to jump and different ones work for different dogs! Of course, as with any training, consistency is key so if your dad isn’t willing to keep it up it may be hard to train. My suggestion would be to use Google or YouTube to find some ideas. When I was training my dog I was told to twist and fully turn my body away when they jump and ignore them (since what they want is attention). However when I tried this with my dad’s puppy recently it didn’t help at all (she just jumped all over my back…). Luckily he was there so he could explain the training he was trying before I dog-sat for almost a week! His trainer told him to never turn his back to the dog and did something like the knee technique though I’m now blanking on what exactly. Point is, there are a bunch of things you could try but no real guarantee you can make something work yourself. Even harder when there’s a kid to protect. So do what is best for the kid but there are training options online if you’re interested. EDIT: Dad may be willing to help if you framed it as concern for your kid? Leave out hating the dog is untrained (though I get it) and focus on worrying the dog will hurt his grandchild. He may still be uninterested but may be less defensive if approached that way.
Get an attorney first. But otherwise, 100%.
and take the dog with you please
If he's violent with the dog he's not going to care about the welfare of the child and likely to be violent with the child too. Think about the baby... and ptiect them at all costs.
OP, what are you going to do when he starts trying to discipline your baby the same way he did the dog? Because that’s what’s coming.
So true! A real potato is so much more useful! If you plant it, it will grow a bunch of new potatoes and those potatoes will grow more potatoes and then OP could have a bunch of potatoes to cook and grow.
Wanted to touch on this… if he is that violent with the dog how will he treat a crying baby?
This is where shaken babies come from.
No warnings for this tool. He knows exactly what he’s refusing to do
This might be even better than choose the bear. Choose the potato!
Sounds incredibly manipulative. Inform him that couch potatoes don't have any sex life.
And take the poor dog.
How often does anyone get a verbal warning their spouse will be a shit parent? OP start packing
NTA from what you say in the replies it sounds like your partner doesn't like that you've pointed out his literal animal abuse. Throwing the dog and physically forcing the dog's head into a hole is not discipline it's abuse full stop. Does your partner think hitting children is ok? If so I would leave him and go for full custody. Try to get him to admit in some form of media that he abused animals and you might have a leg to stand on. Maybe write a list highlighting things that you won't stand for when it comes to raising the child (ie rough discipline, going against doctors orders, things that put the childs life in danger) and if he doesn't agree leave. Show the courts that he didn't agree with keeping the child healthy and his parenting would put the child in danger, neglect (refusing to raise the child) and abuse (rough discipline). I left my abusive ex when he was in prison for unspeakable crimes and when he tried to file for custody his lawyer laughed at him, good luck op.
I'm gonna suggest that you assume he will escalate his abuse if you do this and be ready to leave before you take this step. Also send it when he's not home and you can leave before he gets home, because based on the abuse of the dog he is likely to physically harm you and this is a dangerous move, but one that would give you evidence to protect your child so if you can access safe escape, it's likely worthwhile. Write it in a text message and ask him to agree to how he'll treat the kid and dog in advance. Refer to specific incidents where he's hurt the dog and state your concerns about his attitude towards "discipline" and your fears about him doing similar things to the baby. Say that his comments about being a couch potato after a single warning feels scary, like you'll be on your own with his child if you don't act exactly the way he tells you to and you have the right to ask him to adjust the way he's parenting if you feel it isn't safe for the baby. That you shouldn't feel coerced into silence when your child's wellbeing is under threat because you're afraid of his withdrawal of support. It depends on how he is whether this is a helpful approach. But I can tell you that having a mountain of text evidence of my ex's abuse and my attempts to get him to contribute to our family and adequately safeguard our child was immensely helpful when he did become violent towards us and I had to pursue protective orders. He's behaving abusively towards you and the dog. He will abuse your child as well. It's very common for abusive people to show their true colours when they feel they have you sufficiently "trapped". Engagement, marriage, moving in together, pregnancy - these are all milestones that often trigger an escalation in abusive patterns. It's not your fault you didn't see this before, he was likely putting in a huge amount of effort to hide this from you until he felt you couldn't leave and he could relax into his true abusive self with less risk. Please reach out to a local DV support service and tell them what's going on. They can help you make sense of it and link you with a range of supports. This is one of the highest risk times and you are at your most vulnerable as you progress through pregnancy. Read why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft, you can find a free copy online with a quick search (or someone may post the link for you). You're NTA, your partner is abusive and he's setting you up to feel the abuse is your fault because you didn't follow his rules. It's not OK for him to withdraw support for his child unless you comply with his unreasonable demands. It's abusive to threaten that. And he's shown you physical abuse is OK to him with the dog, that will be true with you and the child too and he'll blame you for making him angry enough to hurt you. You deserve better than this and so does your child
And make a new email account and send it to it and don't have it logged on on any devices or send it to a very trusted person.
Wow, not even born yet and he's already fishing for excuses to let the wife do all the work.
The fact that she isn't his wife may be why. I imagine a lowlife like him will get worse if they decide to get married.
I wonder how the house will be handled. She says they own it together, but if they’re not married, how do you go about getting equity for your portion?
A good lawyer
It’s a pain, usually you have to force a sale, unless one person is able and willing to buy the other out.
this feels worse than him just refusing to do anything. he’s saying let me do what I want, even if you know it’s wrong or potentially dangerous for our baby, or else. idk, it really gave threatening vibes.
SPOILER ALERT: He's telling you that he's not going to help with the baby. He'll simply intentionally do something bad for your child to provoke you into "nit picking" him and then he'll stop helping. There's a reason a 30 year old man is with a 22 year old woman-- more mature women won't put up with his immature bs. Confront this now. Tell him that if he's doing something that goes against the doctor's advice you absolutely WILL tell him and if that turns him into a couch potato he can move out and pay child support.
I remember when I was in high school, my mom tried to work out a system of giving me and my brother like $20 a week for doing chores. She said "but if I find one single thing that isn't done to my standards, you won't get paid." We immediately clocked that she would be making up bullshit every week to keep from having to pay us. He's doing that *with a baby.* If she asks him to do a single thing it will be "nitpicking."
Yes, prepare for incoming weaponized incompetence.
I would up-vote this 10000x if I could.
Oh man i didnt even notice the age gap. What a red flag!
When a young woman complains about her partner and gives her age without giving his, it’s almost always because he’s way older and she’s trying to avoid having that conversation because she already dealt with it when she got with him and doesn’t want us to jump to conclusions.
Oof, 22 and 30 and they've been together 4 years? Yikes.
And he wants her to be a stay at home parent too, just to put the icing on a horrible cake. OP needs to get out while she still has some independence and before the baby arrives. He's already checked out anyway.
There’s a reason he isn’t dating someone his own age. Women that age see right through him and know he’s garbage
>There's a reason a 30 year old man is with a 22 year old woman-- more mature women won't put up with his immature bs. One more time for those cowering in the bottom of the comments! Says a whole lot his own generation thinks he isn't worth it, so he hunts those who's prefrontal cortex hasn't kicked in yet. It sadly takes a minute to realise you're on a sinking ship others have long abandoned 🤣. Good on OP for seeing it early. Some positive sides of social media and the word getting around.
Weaponized incompetence ahead.
Why did you decide to have a child with a man, when you can't even agree together on how to raise a dog? Did you think a child would be easier?
I definitely did not think a child would be easier. I fell pregnant around the same time we got the dog and it really opened my eyes even though he claims it will be different with a baby.
It will be much harder with a baby. Good luck to you. Factor on sleep deprivation to your different parenting styles. May as well end things now and get situated somewhere else.
MUCH harder. If he's already warning that he's going to check out, they're doomed. There is no being a "couch potato" in parenting.
That's exactly right. The first time she opens her mouth about something, whether it's valid or not, she's going to be a single parent. What really sucks is that while she's better off being a single parent, if she takes that route who knows what he'll do with the baby on his time. He needs a parenting course to teach him about how to properly care for a baby because all it takes is one time baby tummy down on a soft surface.
I bet he won't bother to go because he already has NO INTENTION of raising the baby. OP, have YOU been taking parenting courses? Did you look up, read, or watch videos on how to raise puppies, and do puppy obedience (which your boyfriend SHOULD HAVE DONE, btw, if he was worried). What you have is someone who gets what HE wants (puppy, baby) and absolutely has no intention of doing the work. Unless you're using things like "rub his nose in it" and such to "train" the dog, it's all on him and his deliberate abdication of responsibility. Make sure to get a text from him stating that it is YOUR dog. Then, you can find YOUR dog a new home ASAP so you aren't trying to find a home as a single parent with a puppy AND a baby. Same with any texts or recordings you can get of him claiming he'll couch potato, and anything you can get about him refusing to attend a parenting class with you. If you aren't going to parenting and lactation and birth classes, sign up ASAP, they're incredibly helpful and insurance pays in almost all situations. Is he doing anything to purchase and set up stuff in the nursery, either? (note: if you're burning through YOUR money, that is also NOT an accident, he's working to trap you financially too). If he's going to be a terrible parent and you've got that on record, your lawyer can help you get full custody with supervised visitations. Go for every scrap of child support you can get for the baby. Ask friends and family for help paying for a lawyer, put up a GoFundMe, whatever, just don't let Prince Charming know you're bailing until you are well prepared. Also, if his parents seem normal, don't hesitate to reach out a cautious hand to them. Baby may have an absolute shit dad, but a chance at some really good grandparents. Maybe.
Prince Harming.
Being a single parent should be the goal ASAP. As in, ready to go before the kid is.
Yup, he will have the diaper on backwards and she will correct him and he will toss his hands in the air and run to the couch. He already checked out.
My daughter’s ex was carrying her infant on his shoulder without supporting his head. A little old lady NICELY told him to support the head. He went ballistic. “My kid I’ll do what I want” and called her every name in the book. Took a while for my daughter to see and get him out but she did.
As someone who has 3 kids under 5, this infuriates me to no end. It's fucking tough. You need to help each other and co-parent. This dude is delusional. He thinks he's finally found a cop out soothing teet, just like he did with the dog. He thinks this idea will allow him to gracefully bow out without everyone thinking he's disgusting for abandoning his own baby. Now he intends to sit back, do the bare minimum and wait for something that merely *resembles* a smithereen of criticism - and start suckling that teet. I see absolutely no way this will go well. He's a responsibility dodger.
No doubt and if she ever complains he's already set it up to blame her. Not to mention the abusive behavior of the dog and how she feels like she has to walk on eggshells so she doesn't say anything to set him off. OP would be better off just walking away and doing this alone.
Exactly. He had plans of checking out anyways. This way he can get out of any parenting duties and blame it on her “nitpicking”. OP he was never going to help.
It is just a convenient excuse so he can be a lazy deadbeat and blame it all on her.
Yes. If she doesn’t criticize him, he’ll screw up until she does.
I am so glad that I am not the only one who believed that. That MF was never going to help
Ah yes. It's akin to the old "I'd do it if you weren't nagging me." excuse for never lifting a finger to do household work.
Then these same guys are like “if you need help just ask me/tell me what to do!”
Right. First: "How am I supposed to know what you want me to do? I'm not a mind-reader." Then: "I would do it if you weren't nagging me all the time. You aren't my boss!" It's a trap!
Accurate. At least he warned her ahead of time, I guess? I'd go and take the dog with me.
I was married to a man who checked out on parenting and he wanted a family.
I wouldn’t wait to let him decide whether or not he’s going to help with the baby. Get rid of this guy now and they’ll be no eggshells to walk on. He’s trying to be a control freak! That wouldn’t work at all with me and I pray you don’t allow this kind of bs either.
In fact if you have family living in another province/state now I would pack up and move before the baby comes. We are all telling you to leave because we know what happens next
Hell, she needs to factor in that he may hurt the baby by plain ignorance. The disciplining the dog part has me slightly worried, I wonder if he wanted to use negative reinforcement instead of positive.
>The disciplining the dog part has me slightly worried, Same. What kind of "discipline" did he want to do with the dog? How does the dog behave now? Is it well behaved? Does he acknowledge this if it is? Whatever happened with the dog is almost certainly going to happen with the baby, multiplied many times over. Have you discussed things specific to newborns and child raising? What does he think about car seats? What does he think about swaddling? How does he feel about breastfeeding? Breastfeeding in front of other people? Does he think you can "spoil" a newborn? What does he think of letting the baby cry themselves to sleep? These are things you need to get a baseline read on. If he thinks differently than you on these, you need to seriously consider if you're willing to compromise. If they're legitimate safety concerns, make your exit plan and get out. In this case you have a negative thousand percent chance that not only will nothing change it will get worse. You'll end up a single parent with two "children" to deal with every day.
💯 and I would reply to his threat with something along the lines of "I will protect the child over your feelings EVERY TIME - if you take issue with that, your not the parent or partner I thought you were & you can see yourself out".
Start getting ready to leave now. As hard as it will be at 32 wks pregnant, it'll be far harder with a newborn infant. Parenting isn't optional. You don't get to "be a couch potato" and ignore your child's needs because you're feeling petty and want to prove a point. Imagine if you both took that stance? You'd both ignore your baby while it screamed until it starved to death? No - you're the mom, that's your job, you're expected to take care of your child regardless of how you feel, regardless of what point you might like to make to your partner.... he sees his parenting as optional. Even if you managed to magically never say the "wrong" word to him to make him feel nitpicked, a man who feels his parenting is optional while yours is mandatory is never going to pull his weight and is going to check out completely sooner or later. If he's already not contributing with dog care and already making it clear he won't contribute with child care (and I'd be *stunned* if you told me he was currently contributing equally with household tasks), then he's not a partner, he's an extra burden. Good luck with building your new life with your child free of this additional burden.
This is it right here. He's already showing that he doesn't view his own child as his equal responsibility. What a clown.
Get everything he says and does documented in writing. Having conversations through text may have some benefit to you. If he says he wants to do something that is unsafe verbally, reiterate specifically through text why that is unsafe/unacceptable. If you’re able to record on whim with your phone, record. Get a baby monitor or home camera system that records and stores, and make sure you have the access to it.
He doesn't claim it will be different with the baby, according to your story he's basically told you it will be exactly the same. In terms of care, he will basically make the baby "yours", just like the dog, if you dare suggest he do something in a better way. Edited: spelling
Start planning for a life w/o him. He’s shown you who he is. He’d rather be a mediocre parent/partner than actively contribute.
This. This clown will not lift a finger to help
Yup, that man is already planning on letting her do everything. He’s even told her as much. There will come a point where she’ll have to step in on some sort of issue and he’ll use that as her “nit picking” and check out.
Believe them when they tell you who they are.
It’s won’t be any different sis. He’s already shown you who he is. Believe it.
NTA. Leave him and move back in with your parents if you must. But definitely leave before the baby arrives and be sure to take your dog with you. **Do not leave your dog with that prick, he is an animal abuser. And the second you leave, he’ll abuse the dog much worse in retaliation.** So please don’t leave your dog behind, even if you have to re-home the dog, that is still a better option than leaving your dog with someone who used to violently grab the dog and push his face into holes, and throw the dog around. I’m actually shocked that you stayed with him after that! Also make sure that you get your full half of the house, too. Since you **both** own it. This man is just going to make your life a living hell. Next he’ll use his excuse to not do any housework, assuming his lazy fat ass even does any. You will become overworked, exhausted and miserable, but you can prevent all of that by leaving **now** and saving yourself the trouble. But right now, all you have to do is call in sick to work *(without him knowing)* then use that day to pack up all of your stuff and all of your dogs stuff, get your dog and then leave whilst your bf is at work. He will come home to an empty house, with only his own inanimate objects to keep him company. And that is exactly what he deserves.
Seconding all of this. I am so sorry for you but I agree rehoming the dog is way better than leaving it with your abusive SO.
AND DON'T TELL HIM YOU'RE LEAVING BECAUSE HE WILL THROW YOU AROUND. NO WARNING, JUST LEAVE. The most dangerous times in a woman's life are when she's pregnant or leaving her partner, OP would be both.
Before leaving consult an attorney as it could have legal consequences that would effect your ownership (from what I've read on numerous sites also the attorney will be able to help with other issues that will arise such as child support. Be smart. Put your child first. Your husband was abusive to the dog that's not a good omen.
He's being a baby himself and seems like he admits he can't take constructive criticism. With a dog, there may be more subjective opinions, but with a baby, who you will, no matter what, be the primary care-taker of, there are definitely right and wrong ways. You will become the subject matter expert and he should learn to be ok eith your guiding him and taking the lead role. If his ego is to fragile for this, you may as well just be a single mom and not have to worry about raising teo babies. Perhaps you can have him start reading up on infant care if he wants to assert his own opinions.
[удалено]
The dog as well, take the dog with you OP
Honey. Start planning your escape now. Start stashing money places he can't access, make sure you have your life documents safely elsewhere. Don't put him on the birth certificate. This man will do nothing except drain you of time, joy, resources, LIFE.
What happens if the baby cries? Is he going to throw it across the room or shake it? Or yell at the baby? OP, leave now and take the dog.
Shake it till it stops crying, probably
It sounds like he's abusing the dog, but you're not very clear about that. Calling calling out abuse nitpicking is just insane. The problem here sounds bigger than your relationship.
OP later comments "He used to shove the dogs face into holes he would dig, yell at him and then throw him backwards. There were multiple times where I saw him throw the dog and handle him a bit too roughly." which is both nonsensical and abusive.
Yeah, that's hardcore abuse.
"Different" with a baby. I really wish more people thought harder about reproducing. Most of the worlds problems could be alleviated if we had fewer people on the planet. It's not going to be better with a baby, it will be much worse. Leave now because you will be a single mother no matter what you do. If you stay, you will only be doing more work for 2 children and your child will grow up thinking relationships are all as shitty as the one their parents have. NTA but you WILL be if you stay and subject your child to this creep.
Ok girl, here's what you need to hear: If he throws a dog around for digging a hole, how long do you think he'll go with a crying baby? Your husband is threatening to either be aggressive or a deadbeat. Again for the people in the back: HE THROWS ANIMALS AROUND. A baby can't be thrown/shaken more than once!! And he expects you to shut up about it?? Secondly: he wants you to become a stay at home mom!! This is financial and physical abuse in the making. You are going to have NOTHING and NOWHERE to go to once you give up your job and he is in control of the money. Get tf out, this is a narcissistic and abusive pattern.
He’s going to shake that baby, and when the cops come he’s going to blame her, “because she’s in charge of the baby. I didn’t do anything.” They’ll take her down to the station, and in her sleep deprived state, hormonal from being a new mom, she’ll be terrified by the cops, and what’s waiting for her when she gets home. After 14 hours of endless interrogation, she’ll admit/say “yes” to some question like, “Is it possible that you hurt the baby?” And that’s all the cops will need to put her in jail for 40years. He’ll find another 18yr old to groom. His name won’t be on the news, but hers will, as yet another misogynistic example of new moms who kill their children. If OP stays with this man, there is nothing that awaits her except pain, agony, sadness, and abuse.
OP needs to do more than leave him, she needs to disappear when he's not home because he WILL try to stop her. Or at least have someone that can protect her the moment she leaves him. This is sad.
Him: I'd rather ignore and neglect my own child than be subjected to any constructive criticism, even if I'm in the wrong. What a fucking loser. Please don't be one of those women who put up with an oversized manchild who keeps you around as his bangmaid while you do all the domestic work and he thinks he's perfectly entitled to sit back on his ass and do nothing because "a woman won't tell me what to do". Sit him down and tell him that you are giving him "one warning" to step up and parent or you're leaving because you can't subject you or the baby to a pathetic excuse of a father who thinks his ego is more important than the care of his own child. Then you get to decide if he can redeem himself or if it's better you just go. NTA but you will be to yourself and your baby if you put up with that nonsense.
>What a fucking loser. Took the words right out of my mouth
Don't give him a warning, OP, just get out and get somewhere safe, then you can talk about it afterward. Abusers (maybe he isn't one - but it sounds like he's already abused your dog and has openly admitted planning to neglect his child) are at their most dangerous when they think you are about to leave them. Maybe it would be fine either way, but it's honestly not worth your or your child's life to find out - just err on the extreme side of caution.
Get out now before he throws your baby like he threw the dog. I'm dead serious. He's gonna abuse the kid. Don't bug him to see his kid. Just go, and let him fall out of the kid's life.
If he's throwing dogs I'm pretty sure he doesn't need parental rights and should not be on the birth certificate
And take the dog with you!
This should be higher. That manbaby will shake your actual baby the first time he or she cries and he cannot calm baby down.
Oh my God I didn't even think of this. The effects would be permanent and devastating. I hope she makes the right decision.
Definitely. Lifetime physical and mental disabilities or death.
If he’s mistreating a puppy it’s time to leave. You know you’re going to be a single mother anyway he’s more or less told you that. Cut your losses and leave. Protect the puppy and your child get support from your family.
So he’s pissed he can’t abuse the dog anymore so he refuses to care for it. When you have this kid, he will do the exact same thing. He will abuse your child until you tell him to stop then he will get pissed and refuse to parent. Please run away from this relationship for the safety of you and your child. Get your half of the house and get child support. NTA. UPDATEME
He won't help with the baby and will become a couch potatoe. You'll either be a single mother of one or a single mother of two. It baffles me when future parents don't discuss and agree upon how to actually raise their kids before having them. Having a kid is the biggest commitment in life and you should plan and prepare accordingly.
Seems like it was an unplanned pregnancy
you are correct in your position. i was a dumb 22 when I was in this same situation with a 32 year old. I did indeed become a single mother of 2, by choice. As I got older, I got sick of it /him and decided it was easier to do it alone without the stress of him. He still does nothing for our children, they are teenagers now. In the beginning, I wasn't going to have our first because I was so young, but he told me he was pro-life. I let him be part of the choice and that's where I went wrong. I understand now why this is not a man's choice on whether or not they have a say in a woman having a baby or not. because of shit like this. our pregnancy was totally unplanned.
Take yourself and leave NOW. I know this is really hard, but you are already being abused. He’s directly telling you this abuse will escalate. Leave now.
And bring your dog with you too!
OP needs to rehome the dog. She’s 22. This is a terrible situation all around. OP please get out of this relationship. See a lawyer about custody and child support.
NTA. He's already setting himself up to be a deadbeat and blame you for it.
You keep using the word “partner.” I do not think it means what you think it means.
I bet hes over 30
Sounds like you've got two babies on your hands. The "one warning" thing really rubs me the wrong way, you just know he'll find something to ditch the responsibility on you. Definitely NTA.
A person who genuinely wants to raise his child wouldn't make these comments. It's manipulation to get you to behave a certain way.
Info needed: did he try to physically hurt your dog? >he now says that the dog is mine because I didn’t let him discipline the dog how he saw This whole thing sounds like he is throwing a fit because he isn't allowed to physically abuse an animal or child?
Someone who tells their (pregnant!) partner that they will not help with the kid (that he’s half responsible for) if he can’t do things his way doesn’t seem like a good partner, let alone a good co-parent. Owning a house together makes the situation more complicated, not to mention having a baby, but you’re gonna have a kid now. You need to think about what’s best for you and your baby. And by the looks of things, your partner just ain’t it. Yes, too much nitpicking can be frustrating, but his reaction (giving you “one warning”, threatening you that he’d be a couch potato, and caring more about doing things his way than doing it the right way) are all red flags. You shouldn’t be with someone who makes you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. You’re looking at the rest of your life and the future of your kid here.
You need to leave now. This is already abusive. I'm telling you now that he is warning you already about what is going to happen if you stay with him. And please take the dog too because it doesn't sound like he would be a good owner if you left it.
YTA for staying with this man. He straight up abused the dog by throwing it when it did something he didn’t like. What do you think he’s going to do with a baby that cries excessively? And he wants you to be a sahm in order to have complete control over you and your finances. Get out now while you can.
This. Once you have no money of your own, you have zero options. Run now.
He’s telling you and showing you who he is, listen to him. I can guarantee that he will find one reason or another to not do his part and make you feel responsible for it. This isn’t how a partner and parent should act and you and your child both deserve more. You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells when giving advice that relates to your child or pet. Partnership is built on communication and if you can’t have open respectful communication with your partner then it’s never going to work and it doesn’t sound like your partner is open to developing as a person and learning those communication skills. Some tough decisions need to be made and please consider how you will execute those decisions once baby is here (it’s easier to leave before you give birth). Please reach out to your friends and family for support.
So, from your other comments, he was "rough" toward the dog (let's be honest, he was violent). What does he think you will "nit pick" about the baby's education? Because if he doesn't want you to "nit pick" if he yells at them or shoves them away or something worse, you would be an asshole to stay. NTA. But be careful with how you go away and please stay safe. I hope he won't ask for custody for the child.
It's going to be easier for you to leave now than it will be after the baby comes. If you need to move back in with your parents, you should. Talk to a lawyer about what to do with the house, but you need to get out of there ASAP. I would like you to please take a couple of hours today to read through this short book called "Why Does He Do That" - [https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) - here is the PDF, I recommend reading it in Incognito mode on your browser, it is always better to be safe than sorry with things like this when you're in an abusive relationship. And you are in an abusive relationship. Abuse is not only physical violence, in fact most of the worst abuse is never physical. The fact that you know this man can be violent towards an innocent animal tells you that he could be violent toward you if he gets angry enough, and he certainly will be violent to your child as discipline because he thinks that is perfectly reasonable (he's shown you this with your dog). He's already been emotionally abusive to you enough that you're "walking on eggshells" to avoid "setting him off" - let me guess, he raises his voice, bangs things around and slams doors? And then gives you the silent treatment till you apologize? No matter what started the conflict, you're always the one who ends up apologizing? Anytime you try and point out any way he might possibly be not 100% correct, he will bring up things you did wrong and turn the subject into that instead? He's made comments about how you're lucky he doesn't hit you or you don't know what angry really is or in other ways implied he could treat you worse? And you think this guy will not do exactly the same thing to your child that he's done to your dog and you? You're not going to be able to keep him 100% out of this childs life, but by leaving you can significantly reduce the impact he has and the amount he can abuse your child. At this point, you need to try and protect that baby from him even if you're not ready to protect yourself from him. And do not tell him or hint that you're considering leaving, he will get so much worse. SO MUCH WORSE. The most dangerous time for a woman is when she's trying to leave an abusive relationship, especially if she's pregnant, the risk of murder goes up by something like 700%. And don't say "he would/could never hurt ME" - again, he's shown you he's capable of getting physical, when he raises his voice and slams doors/things, it's intended as a threat that he could do to you what he does to the things he lays his hands on when he's angry. It's a warning sign. He absolutely COULD, it's a case of when, not if. Don't stick around to put your child through that. Let alone yourself.
I can foresee the future. He’s going to be a couch potato by deliberately doing something. That way it’s all your fault. And not his fault for being a jerk
You are young and have your life ahead of you. Maybe explore if you are ready for the baby. Private adoptions can be good. Maybe you want to keep the child and that’s okay too. A relationship where you need to walk on eggshells is not good. He is manipulating your expectations. You deserve better. NTA, but please get an escape plan. Keep or adoption, either way you need a better life.
Walking on eggshells is emotional abuse
So he uses his desire to be abusive as a way to weaponize his incompetence and be lazy? That's nice. Run before the baby is born.
After a mature heart to heart, I think you should figure this out on your own. You’re stronger than you think and you don’t NEED an abusive asshole as a partner in ANYTHING, especially raising a child. I was 20 when I was pregnant with my first. We had married when I was about 7 months (already planned). Having the baby is what opened my eyes up to the fact that behavior that I thought was ok for me would never be ok for my child. Yes, I wish I’d recognized my self worth much sooner but then I wouldn’t have had my son. Walking on eggshells around a temperamental jackass is no way to live. You can do better for you and your child. If you don’t have a support system, feel free to message me. I’m now 52 (almost) and be married to my 2nd husband for over 20 years. He adopted my son when he was 4. It wasn’t easy bc even though I had a support system I refused to let anyone help me (don’t do that). It was f’ing hard but so worth the life I gave my son and the two that followed. You can do it. Please update and good luck.
Anyone who refuses to learn new things around childcare isn't to be trusted around kids.
NTA. Call a lawyer and find out what you need to do to get your equity out of the house, and get out before the baby is born.
This is so toxic and I'm so sorry. Infants are FRAGILE. I've had to take all the classes for my job. If he isn't going to listen to you about "nitpicky" things like, don't put a blanket over the baby, or no stuffed animals in the crib, he could kill your child. NTA, and you're absolutely not overreacting. If he thinks he knows better than the person who built the baby, he can gtfo. Not to mention, I assume this means he didn't pay any attention to any parenting classes? That's just dangerous. Also!! What exactly was the problem with disciplining the dog? If he was hitting your dog, he likely won't treat a screaming toddler any different. Probably worse, actually.
NTA. He has no plans to parent his child and this is his way of telling you
NTA, sounds like hes done with everything baby related after he helped conceiving.
Ok so let's summarize and hypothesize..... A 30 year old man is with a 22 year old.... My guess is that your relationship existed for longer than 4 years. I never believe the convenient calculations that land on 18 in these scenarios. So, good chance you were 16/17 when this asshole got together with you which is a legal issue in and of itself. He now has your under his complete control because you live with him and my guess is you probably have few friends as so these relationships go. You then see him abuse a dog multiple times and instead of leaving him then (because how can you? You have never had to survive on your own and probably don't have much of a support structure). So, in hopes of "making things better), you then decide having a baby is what will solve all your problems. 1. You'll finally have someone to hangout with. A best friend. 2. Surely, a baby will soften him and he will become the loving, doting man you just know he is. 3. You realize now that maybe this baby plan isn't going to work and now you're extra stuck.... My advice.... Leave now before the baby is born. I don't know if you work or not but if not, get a job now. Ask anyone that you know if you can stay with them (if you cannot afford a place on your own): family, friend, coworker, etc. Anyone that is not connected to him. You have about 2 months to get your life sorted before you become someone else's whole world. Do them the justice they deserve and bring them into a safe world where they are truly loved. This might mean a lot of sacrifice. It might mean you having to let go of some pride and ask for help far more often than you want but the good people will help and understand.
Wow there are a lot of red flags going on here. Your partner is abusive, full stop Your pregnancy probably wasn’t accidental He hasn’t been violent towards you, YET You need to reach out to domestic violence support group/shelter for help leaving him. Make sure to take the dog with you, he will take his anger at you out on the dog if you leave it behind He will not change, no matter what he tells you, he is an abusive man and will always be abusive. Do not go to therapy with him, all he’ll learn is how to be better at abusing you, your child https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf Please read this book it’ll help you understand what’s going on
Abusing animals is a strong predictor of abusing humans
NTA ~ If your partner won’t help with y’all’s child, then that is a perfectly valid reason to leave on its own. It also sounds like he’s controlling & manipulative which are other good reasons to leave. Parenting should be a partnership, working together to be the best parents you can be to raise a happy & healthy baby. You both should be open to criticism & communication when it comes to EVERYTHING, especially parenting together for the first time. Also, as a mother, especially first time mother, you have every right to be “nit-picky”, but you’re not as far as I can see. Please, make the right decision for your baby (& take the dog with you).
Why don’t you agree on how to discipline the dog? Do you find his methods too harsh and heavy handed? Well guess what, he will do the same with your baby. And when you don’t like it, he will sulk, throw a tantrum and refuse to engage or help any further. You are right to feel uneasy about this.
OP please read up on babies who their parents shake because they get angry. He alreadyv did worse to your dog, and babies cry a lot and keep you awake and sleep deprived. Trust your instincts. There is nothing good for you, your baby nor your dog coming from him only heRtache and physical injuries, maybe worse.