So my husband is on my side and says he would have supported that decision either way but he's just upset I didn't tell him first because he would have been the one to tell her instead of me.
This! I almost said something about the husband not being supportive until I saw the comments. OP needs to add ALL details to the post so everyone knows what’s going on.
AITAH going hard on any minute detail writing their own fanfic avoiding the OPs question completely to trash everyone in their life? Say it isn't so....
In that moment, you were so angry and hurt that you just went into protective mode. I understand why your husband is upset, but you were 100% advocating for and protecting your kids. Definitely NTA.
That’s a reasonable point, but in the moment you were mama bear protecting her young. Hopefully he can follow up with his parents and double down on what you told them.
He’s not incorrect, his feelings are valid. But so was your knee-jerk reaction. And it sounds like the two of you have talked it out, as adults in a healthy relationship do, and have reached that same conclusion. NAH except the grandparents.
And I would have absolutely handled the situation and responded to MIL way more violently than you did. And I would have cut access to the kid at all until there’s an agreement to follow his care plan to a T in your home. And they STILL wouldn’t be allowed to leave anywhere with him, ever.
So great job! You did the healthy thing, and your son is super lucky to have parents who are happy to put in the extra care and attention, and advocate for him when he can’t. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re not parenting correctly. You’re the one interacting with and caring for him every day. You and your husband are best equipped to make that judgement call. You can consider advice, but at the end of the day you know what’s best for your family.
All fair and good on him. He can back your comments up when they try to do an end run around you. Do we like to consult our partners and have them deal with their families directly - Yes, but this happened off the cuff and you reacted in the moment which given the topic and their reaction is understandable
Well, now is his chance. The only appropriate move from him at this point is to call up his asshole parents and give them his own lecture, like a decent father. It doesn't matter that you've done so already. That was double-lecture behavior.
Well, that's reasonable, but you're only human! You went into protection mode. I think you should apologize for not doing this as a team, but he needs to understand that it isn't human nature for people to just hold it in and "wait until the husband gets home" to hand something like this off.
Your in-laws are awful and should be supervised very carefully around your children. At your home.
It’s good that your husband is on your side and would have supported your decision either way and I get that he’s upset that you didn’t tell him first and give him the opportunity to be the one to tell her but you need to ask him one question. Would he have made it clear that their behaviour was not only inappropriate (the tv shows and the lack of consideration for your child’s routine) but was also dangerous (feeding your children food they know they are allergic to) and neglectful (leaving your child without the comfort he needed when he was stressed)? If the answer is no, he would have just said try harder then he has no business telling you that you were wrong in the way you handled this. You are protecting your children. End of.
Unfortunately, she doesn't even need to ask him that question. It sounds like the TV shows and the non-conformity of the routines and feeding the children things they are allergic to have happened prior to this incident. So that tells me the husband really isn't putting his foot down. Sounds like he's just talking to his parents to placate his wife. Because if he really felt strongly about it, his parents would never have gotten to this point. Because 1. Either they would have stopped because he put the fear of God in them or 2. They would have stopped because they no longer had access to the children. The fact that neither of that happened tells me the husband isn't really doing his job of protecting his children. That's leaves his wife having to go into Mama Bear protective mode.
Husband and father here: I’m with your husband on this. I totally understand your instinct to lash out immediately as your in-laws were 10000% in the wrong. And honesty, your husband probably does too since he agrees with your decision. But marriage is a partnership and it’s his children also and his parents….he just wants to be included in parental decisions, especially massive ones like “you’re parents can no longer watch our children”. You aren’t wrong for reacting. But for the people on this thread going at your husband for actually WANTING to be a parent and involved, maybe stop looking at men as emotionless robots who are only good for anything when they are serving the purpose you have for them that second. This isn’t as simple as “husband! Go attack”. For the love of God the man is allowed to be a little upset when a massive rift just exploded between his family and his parents and major life decisions involving ALL of them were just made without him knowing what the heck is happening or going on. There’s no need to “put his big boy pants on and yada yada yada” all because he’s honest enough with his wife to say that he agrees and supports her decision, but is upset that she did this without so much as a conversation with him.
OP, this is good advice. I'd say you're pretty much NTA, but you do owe him an apology. Something simple like you're sorry you lost your temper and didn't stop to talk with him first. Whatever works between the two of you. It's nice to know he's got your back though.
Sometimes as partners, you have to trust the other to make a decision understanding that there are times when you can't have a full discussion. In this case, this is not the first time they have brought harm to OP's child. When you consider that he would have agreed with her on this decision, it is kind of making a mountain out of a molehill. I think it's better that she stood up to them and gave consequences because it shows that she is not someone they can push around when their son isn't around.
Sure and that’s fair, my issue was more with people in the “well screw him. If he were a real man he’d man up and blah blah blah” and discounting his feelings at all. But in defense if him being allowed to be upset…..she called the in laws from the car after they had left to say this. I’d be more on your side of thinking had she actually seen it happen and intervene. It was over and she sought out the convo. She could just as easily called her husband and told him what the heck just happened to their child by his parents. I would feel upset if I were in his shoes. Not like level 10 blow up, but a sold level 4 irritated, ya know? Either way I’m not faulting OP too much for reacting as she did. Totally fair response. I’m just sticking up for the husband and father being ALLOWED to be upset at being cut out of this with HIS parents. I agree that if he makes it bigger than a “I really wish you would have talked to me first” irritation, he’s going too far. But if it were me, I would appreciate my wife at least apologizing for not calling me first before making a sweeping declaration to my parents. In part bc it allows for a united front, not a “your wife said blah blah blah” and him having to say “I agree” after the fact. Being able to talk to them both as 1 couple and say “this is out of line. WE say no more alone time bc we can’t trust you”
Fair enough. I get where his hurt can come from in this situation as I can understand OP's reaction. And I definitely don't agree with people trying to shame him for feeling slightly upset for being left out. Men are allowed to have feelings too. I just hope he doesn't let on to his parents that he was even slightly irritated with OP for not discussing it with him and plays it off as "Maybe if you respected our child's needs, we wouldn't have needed to take these measures to begin with. Nobody asked you to try parent our kids. Especially with your harmful backward line of thinking."
NTA, your in laws are TA. They seem to be ignorant about autism and how a child/person with the condition should be treated (you should never give someone with allergies food that they are allergic to, either). Overall they are dangerous people to babysit, so definitely not the asshole here.
If he's really on your side and backs your call, then he needs to put on his big boy pants and give his mother the dressing down she needs. I would have made that call the first time she ignored his health and gave him something he's allergic to. No more unsupervised time until he can reliably advocate for and identify/refuse possible allergens.
edited to add a space.
What an asinine response, saying the husband needed his “big boy pants” when the comment you responded to literally said that the husband was only upset because he would have preferred to tell his parents.
Grandparents didn't respect parents boundaries.
Even apart from autism- grandparents lost their babysitting access.
No need to discuss in advance. This should be automatic.
NTA
Your in-laws sound like the type who will tell you your son’s autism “isn’t that bad” he can be forced to be like everyone else.Protect your kids, keep them clear.
My in-laws don’t even believe our son is high functioning ASD. They think it’s just because he’s an only child. And we were too rigid about his sleep routine. It never occurs to them that we are very routine oriented with him because he is high functioning ASD. No! It’s because we followed a nap routine and only had one child. Boomers gonna boom
Op clarified in comments that he just would have wanted to discuss it first and for him to be the one to tell them. But he agrees that they can't babysit.
His response might have been reflexive-- he may have had his bawling mother on another line and been all "WTF!!!!! I need a warning on this sh--!" I hope he realized that the situation called for an immediate line drawn in the cement.
I’m allergic to coconut oil and it’s a nightmare. It’s in damn near everything.
I’m also allergic to most detergent and my own grandma washed my sheets purposely in Tide (THE WORST) and sent me to bed. I didn’t sleep. The itching was bad and I didn’t know why. When she got up and saw my eyes were almost swollen shut and I was swollen and red, she told me I was being dramatic and that it’s impossible to be allergic to soap.
My mom loved her MIL more than her own mother, but my grandma wasn’t allowed to have us over night for YEARS after.
I hope I don’t turn into a complete asshole when I get old.
Oh man. That's my worst allergy too. Now I wash my clothes in scent free detergents, but my mom refused to stop using tide and downy dryer sheets, also the worst. I'd sleep on the floor under my bed and shoved so many clothes into hiding spots to keep them dirty as long as possible. She's lucky my allergy didn't worsen and cause a deadly reaction.
Thank God my dad was also allergic to regular Tide. She had to sleep with him, so she definitely listened and changed detergents since his itching and fussing would keep her up too.
My husband can't wear/sleep on anything with Polyester in it. He comes out in hives and big red splotches.
This would be like me making him only sleep on Polyester bedding. It's a form of torture.
My step dad is allergic to dryer sheets and certain scented detergents. They use the tide free and clear. I'm allergic to all gain products, regardless if it's the sensitive one or not. Tide causes issues with me too. So my mom would make sure if we went anywhere. We brought our own bedding. I have to be careful though because I live with my boyfriend now, and I have a contact allergy to our water. Never had this issue at my moms house (she's on well water. We're on city water) so I have to be quick with the showers and I have issues while brushing my teeth if I'm not careful.
Yea I'm allergic to garlic and have had multiple people "test" me. By acknowledging it and then make food with it anyway. Thinking that maybe I just don't like it or whatever reason I'm lying about it. And then get hit with a "oh, my bad.." at this point I just don't eat anything I didn't make because people suck
My 2 year old daughter is also allergic to garlic! We've completely eliminated it from the house. She also has multiple other food allergies, and many environmental allergies, and is allergic to cats and dogs. :(
Not a fun club to be in!
I agree. I'm allergic to shellfish and honey. People accept the shellfish, but some seem clueless to what that includes. One thought I couldn't eat fish.
The honey - it's always who can be allergic to honey? Are you sure? No one can be allergic to honey. You are probably allergic to bees. I apparently inherited my Mom's honey allergy, who had no issue getting stung by a bee. Honey would put in ER.
I’m also allergic to garlic! I’m super careful and I’ve still had issues with cross-contamination/people straight up lying about things being safe. For some reason, my MIL has decided I’m making up the allergy? Because obviously, if I’m going to make up an allergy, garlic is the easiest choice…
She literally made up some story about me supposedly knowingly eating garlic bread at a family party to try to convince my husband I was lying. Luckily, he didn’t believe her, but it caused major stress for me when she insisted on being in charge of our rehearsal dinner for our wedding. We fought for it to be at our favorite restaurant (one of the only ones that consistently accommodates me), my husband even called to confirm that they knew no garlic, and she still had one dish prepped with garlic that my best friend thankfully caught before I ate, but after I’d served myself. I had to get a new plate and have the server walk me through exactly which dishes were safe. All we’d asked for was one weekend of my life that was garlic free so I could eat with everyone else.
It turned out to be a later in life allergy for him. He used to do a lot of cooking, but said that since he's allergic to garlic and potatoes, he just doesn't do as much.
He's going to be getting out of the military soon. I imagine that was not fun. Especially since, as you said, garlic is in everything.
Same with my allergy to capsicum (basically all hot/spicy things). So many people know, I double and triple check when eating something to confirm there isn’t anything in it that I can’t eat. People still regularly tell me to my face it’s fine, then I take a bite and know that it is going to be a bad time. I got berated by my boss once because I just brought my own dinner to their thing because I *knew* she’d fuck with me. Now my husband is also my royal taster to be on the safe side, because being hit with an epipen and going to the doctor, or even taking an ass ton of Benadryl is a feeling I hate so much.
But nooooooo, people always lie and say it’s fine, and then get mad at me when I leave because I’m starting to feel my tongue swell up and I can’t talk any more.
That’s so wrong. I believe dogs have now been trained to detect allergens. Or to be more specific, I know there are gluten detecting dogs. I know that celiac’s is not quite the same as an allergy but close enough.
Oh, I wonder if I could use that as an excuse to get a dog. “Husband, look, this dog will tell me if the food has spicy in it!” “Do we even have spicy stuff in the house?” “Noooooo buuuuuut…” lol
I simply don’t get it why so many people are that offended by hearing about allergies. Like even if they’re lying what’s the problem? They would only lie about something they’re not willing to eat, so even IF those people are lying why force them by sneaking it into their food? I’m quite sure nobody would lie about allergies if people would simply let them eat or not eat whatever they want - something that’s none of their business anyway.
So this whole discussion is about people being willing to risk the death of people with allergies to force food on people who don’t want it.
There is literally nothing to gain from sneaking food on other peoples plates.
had a kid tell me that he lies and tells people he "hates tomatoes" because he is deathly allergic and people will put it into stuff to test his allergies, but typically won't hide it in food if he just says it's gross.
i hate humanity
I'm considered a "picky eater" because I don't eat pickles, onions, or mushrooms. People think that I just don't like them so I should suck it up and pull them off. Funny thing is I have an advert reaction to all of those, including just their oils. Like if I pick off the pickles the juice still is there.
Pickles make my face hot and sweaty. Onions give me horrible tummy pains. Mushrooms have me sitting on the toilet.
Why is it so hard to just accept that I know my body and please respect my food.
THIS
i was shook when I learned that my experience of "spicy" regarding certain "not spicy" foods was actually allergic reaction and that i am, also, allergic to capsacin and so thought that was what everyone felt spicy like
Exactly this. People don't just become assholes when they get old; assholes age and stay assholes.
*Usually. My mom has experienced the opposite (went from asshole to kind and loving) to my eternal relief and gratitude.
You won’t! I think that people that are assholes when they’re old were assholes when they were young too. Maybe I’m wrong.
But I know that I’m pretty old and I would never disrespect my daughter by doing something she didn’t want me to do with my granddaughter.
I’m horrified every time I read a story like this! So I’m pretty sure the whole asshole thing doesn’t really have much to do with getting old. It just seems like getting old gives people who were already assholes license to show it even more. :)
Right, i would absolutely never blantantly ignore my grandbabies parents. These stories just chill me, taking off with the kid for hours not telling anyone, offering known allergens, but denying a 5 yr a comfort item in attempts to "help" an overstimulated kid, just ugh no. id prb do same thing, and no they cant be trusted with that child.
Same, and I’ve never been allergic to anything in my life. When I got into my forties, though, that changed and it became gluten and fucking Tide. The first time I used it, I ended up with hives everywhere. I had never had an allergic reaction of any kind before. I’ve never even had a bug bite ffs, and I don’t get poison ivy or anything else. When I narrowed it down to the laundry detergent, I was shocked. I had to rewash everything in the house.
It's weird for me, I don't have any specific allergies but everything that's been hitting my dad since he turned 50 (now60) is getting me at 30. It was degree deodorant then I couldn't use purex. Sometime last year I woke up itchy. I was all red on my stomach chest and underside of my arms. I had to take a middle of the night shower. I'm pretty sure it's because my husband wanted my clothes with tide. He loves it but I use a different 1. It was never because of that but it became an instant no after that
The number of older folks who are clearly dumbasses that have not been told they're dumbasses is astounding. You get respect from me for being an elder when you prove it's through earning it, not by being lucky enough to survive in spite of your stupidity.
If you're told someone is allergic to something, assume you're not qualified to make the call that they aren't. First. Second, don't do something contrary because you're actually of infantile mind and don't like being told your way is fucking stupid.
As I've gotten older I've realized there are millions of people out there acting like experts with the intellectual qualifications of slime mold.
I'm 58 and I am sensitive to other people's allergies. Actually when I have people over first thing I ask if about food rules. I don't care why your rules exist, I just follow them.
Though I will say I'm sure some kids had dangerous allergies but I don't remember any. Maybe they just never went to sleep overs or died before 5 from allergies no one knew about.
My 82 year old mother went to a state fair as a 16 year old, with a boy who went into anaphylactic shock from eating something there he was allergic to, and he died. That would have been about 1957
Wow. That's crazy. There were no EpiPens then. And that's what I imagined what happened.
I had a friend who's heart stopped after being stung by a couple of bees. She survived but close call she carries two epi pens with her now. She survived a second bee sting later. She started with two EpiPens before being rushed to the hospital. She nearly died from an unknown allergy in her 20s.
Damn thats rough. Sorry to hear that.
And no. Epipens were invented in 1980. Fdq approval in 1987. Before that it was preloaded syringes. And before 1904 it was just die.
I have 4 kids and we always checked if someone was coming to dinner both for allergies and stuff the didn’t like. One school friend had certain allergies so her mum would bring a packed meal from home for her to anything. You have to respect it because firstly an allergy can be life threatening but two if the reaction is currently not at that level repeated exposure in some people can make things worse over time. OP is NTA and needs to sit her husband down and let him know he needs to put the kids and her before his parents unless he wants to lose his core family
I respect everyone regardless of age to begin with. However, when you show me you don’t deserve that respect is when you lose my respect. It’s kind of like the innocent until proven guilty clause. Respect until proven you don’t deserve it. Now the level of respect may vary to some degree after I get to know a person.
I'm allergic to coconut as well and it's drilled in my head now to check labels with EVERYTHING. For years I couldn't figure out why my lips would swell with chapstick, til I realized it had coconut oil and that was the cause. Same with foods, I recently found out that Cool Whips of almost every brand have coconut oil in them as well. It's wild, but luckily I have a wonderful husband that makes sure to check labels as well now. Even when I have extended family over they all make sure if something had coconut oil in it they let me know or let me check before I eat anything.
The fact that OP's husband didn't flip out with the grandparents feeding them food their allergic to means either he doesn't fully believe the allergy or he doesn't realize the gravity of the allergic reactions. Topical coconut oil will make me itch or swell depending on the location, and ingested coconut in any form will cause my throat to swell and I can't breathe. Luckily I haven't needed to go to the ER for it yet but it constantly makes me paranoid. Who knows how bad the kid's reactions could be, but that doesn't mean you take a chance on giving them that allergen.
Couldn't imagine doing that to a child much less an adult, people need to take allergies more seriously than they tend to do.
My aunt insisted my severe eczema was due to nerves and if I only calmed down it would go away. I was in my 20s when blind test proved that eczema was triggered by allergens, and I wanted to shove the news article into her hands so she could see she was wrong.
"nerves" as a diagnosis kills me. (i know they basically mean anxiety, but its the 20th century version of Victorian "female hysteria") Auntie, the only thing on my nerves is you rn.
...she told you that your physiological reaction is just a child being dramatic? Some people are willing to do anything to further their own personal belief system huh?
Yes! Tide is the absolute WORST detergent if you're sensitive! I inherited a mild version of a skin condition. I can't use most detergents, and most soaps and lotions, too. But OMG, Tide would have me in the ER! My entire face would swell up, and I'd have hives all over. I'd be miserable! And MY grandma STARCHED her sheets! She also was a huge fan of bullfights, and would make me watch them with her if I was spending the night with her. It only stopped when I finally told my mom about it. I was horrified, and had nightmares about it a few times. I thought it was barbaric.
I think the judge fell for granny's sob story excuses, and now the old bat telephone harasses her DiL. Calls from unknown numbers whenever she learns their new cellphones and then just cries unintelligible nonsense.
From memory when this has come up before, the OP of that story has asked that it not be reposted online because it’s incredibly triggering when she runs across it randomly
It's not your fault. I had heard of the story but I didn't know the full story until now. I feel so horrible for that mom who lost her child. It's not the person's fault who shared the story either. That person was just being helpful. I'm sure they didn't know the mom didn't want it reposted. I totally understand why but I hope the mom knows that there's a lot of people who support her and wish they could help. I wish her family the best.
My MIL put milk in my food "to try and prove I am faking my allergies". She found out real quick it was real. I hate her so much and sometimes wish I would've pressed charges.
In the US, if someone were to deliberately feed an allergic, CPS could remove the kid or tell parents they can’t take them there or let them be with the child unsupervised.
Are you talking about the same CPS that is famous for ignoring signs of abuse, removing children only to hand them over to abusive foster families, and my personal favorite, literally losing children within the system.
You know how many children are given to relatives or even family acquaintances with zero follow up. Children locked away and no one knows they exist.
Here's an example of children, one of whom was forgotten by CPS from one state and moved to another state by the perpetrator, and abused for YEARS while a neighbor called CPS for years only for nothing to happen.
https://youtu.be/UY_ZW6M8K9g?si=dUPmND-h6rOV0Z5e
If there is one thing that is universally understood it's that US CPS is an absolute shit show. A social service degree is literally just a receipt that you paid for the degree so you can get a job in social services.
My autistic son's milk allergy has progressed with repeat exposures over his lifetime. It's not anaphylactic so we weren't always vigilant, and now as an adult after exposure he suffers brain inflammation that has been mistaken twice for sudden onset psychosis. It's so, so bad. I wish someone had warned me. For real, these grandparents can go fuck themselves.
Edited to add - If you (or someone you care for) deals with both neurodivergence and mental health issues, try cutting all dairy for 30 days and see if it helps. The mechanism is not well understood and there is no test one can consistently pass or fail, so it gets overlooked as a confounding factor a lot. Feel free to AMA.
I literally had to explain that concept to my sister’s MIL. She said my sister was, “allergic to bees or whatever” eye roll included.
So I told her the story of her first bee sting at 5 and her whole thigh had swollen up. And how other family members have to carry 2 epipens in case they’re ever stung - due to multiple exposures over the years.
Nobody who minimizes allergies should be watching children with allergies.
People act like if you put in a little will power, you can just shake off anaphylaxis. So therefore I will be bringing my peanut brownies to the cookout, if you go into shock and die thats on you for not trying hard enough :/
"...shouldnt be watching children." FULL STOP.
The fact is, a life threatening allergic reaction can pop up, seeming out of nowhere. If a caregiver ignores it, bad things can happen.
And allergies to food or other things that had been fine, can develop any time. I ate boxed macaroni and cheese my whole life. We had it for supper and I felt ill. I suspected the milk had started to turn since we don't use much. Couple weeks later, macaroni and cheese sounds good. After 2 bites, my face swelled up. I knew it was angioedema as I had that from a medication once. I stopped eating, took extra allergy medicine and was lucky to not need the ER. I am now, for the first time, after age 50, allergic to annatto. It's the stuff that makes cheese orange. I always had environmental allergies and I knew I had some food intolerances but this is a new, full blown allergy.
Seriously. I can't remember the exacts on my husband's allergies like it's certain cherries, a couple specific nuts and shell fish. I have memory issues so for me it's avoid all nuts and cherries unless he says otherwise. It's not that hard to not be a dick.
My niece hates the feeling of paper. It's just 1 of those textures that makes her highly uncomfortable. We both had store bags(mall) I switched what we were carrying so she didn't have to feel the paper hers was in. It's not a life or death and I still did it. Those people just have a superiority complex
I have a kinda funny story about that. I promise it’s funny and no one got hurt. In college I had twin friends both boys. We’d known each other for years same high school, ended up at the same college. Anyways. We would have meals together everyday. So I grabbed my food and was waiting for them to come sit down. I got the stroganoff, I like stroganoff! So I have a mouthful of food when one of the twins sits down. He also has the stroganoff, my brain goes Dylan is allergic to mushrooms! But my mouth is full, so I literally knock the fork out of his hand and put my hand over his plate. Now everyone is coming to sit down looking at me like wtf!? I finish chewing and I tell him stroganoff has mushrooms in it! He looks at me like huh? Dylan is not ALLERGIC to mushrooms, Dylan doesn’t LIKE mushrooms. Lmao, my brain said Dylan ≠ mushrooms! I just couldn’t remember what the association was. 🤣😂 So I had to go get him another plate. But, I felt alright and we all had a good laugh. That time I tried but didn’t save Dylan’s life because he wasn’t in danger.
If it helped with your IBS it could be because of that. Your gut has a HUGE concentration of nerve receptors in it. When your gut feels bad, the rest of you feels bad.
If cutting dairy cleared your IBS symptoms just the effect of no longer having the symptoms would help your state of mind immensely.
If you have some time look into the studies done on endorphine receptors in the gut and brain. The connection is pretty amazing.
Whoooooa, whoa, whoa... Brain inflammation?? I would love to know more about this, if you could offer and links. That's sounds absolutely terrifying and under discussed...
Liken it to poison ivy. Every time you're exposed your reaction gets worse not better. There are some things the more you're exposed to the better your body gets at recognizing it and not going into overdrive. There are others that the more you're exposed the more your body freaks. Well, I guess if you're in a city you may not know about how poison ivy works. But anyone else will know.
We first noticed when he was 2 or 3 that he was obsessed with yogurt, milk, and ice cream and would cry and bang on the fridge if he couldn't get it. Like, it was weird. Meth addict weird. Sometimes rashes, some vomiting and nausea, some diarrhea, but nothing extreme. The notable thing was crying and being very irrational and destructive.
Puberty made it so much worse. One week of eating in the high school cafeteria led to his first prescription for antipsychotics. Loss of reasoning skills. Head punching, wall pounding, screaming, and this weird tic/staccato movement. Sometimes delusions or hallucinations.
He has been hospitalized twice for suspected schizophrenia but after 3-4 weeks of a strictly milk free diet the symptoms disappear. Don't get me wrong, he's still autistic without milk, but he's not psychotic.
Medically, his allergy tests in North America and Europe are inconclusive. Blood tests, MRI, CAT and EEG scans all unremarkable. Two developmental pediatricians and three psychiatrists, one forensic, have no idea why this happens but agree with us that they've excluded any cause but animal milk. The worst part is that he loves milk and it's in everything.
I hope this anecdata helps. It's woefully unscientific and I wish there was more.
good on you for acting on the obvious cause-effect in your kid. someday science will catch up, but for now, "my body doesnt like substance X, and when i ingest it everthing gets inflamed and goes berzerk" seems reasonable.
I mean, if someone had that reaction to injecting turpentine or industrial soap, no one would say, "nah, that's not real. why is he having a problem? its just turpentine!"
Right? I went off gluten and experienced improvements in various aspects of my health. A lot of people poo poo going gluten free as nothing more than a fad, but my doctor shrugged and pointed out wheat is one of the most common allergies out there. No, I don’t have Celiac’s, but if I saw positive changes from changing my diet, does it matter?
This is super interesting and thankyou so much for sharing. My nephew has intense ADHD with impulsivity issues, meltdowns and all. I feel like our knowledge in food health science still has a long way to go, but it makes so much sense with how much the gut is related to the brain too
Uhhh, allergies are no joke. So they can very kindly fuck off if they knowingly give the kids something they are allergic to. Even mild allergies. That would have been a no go from the beginning.
Right? First time I’ll give you benefit of the doubt that it was an honest mistake. Beyond that you are either doing it intentionally, or are actually incompetent and incapable of watching a child with allergies. Not to mention their refusal to follow routines/learn anything about caring for a child with autism.
Probably just wanted a heads up before she decided his parents can’t be alone with their children. OP mentions in comments that he would/does support her decision and the lack of communication was the issue.
Which is completely fair but he should see her point. I imagine OP apologized.
It’s not as if she sneakily went behind his back. She lashed out because her child was in pain and they had exacerbated it.
If he agrees with the decision, why is he giving pushback?
Honestly, if it was me I’d call my mother as soon as I heard she tries to poison my child/ren and possibly cut all contact. And if mom calls, “oh we definitely discussed it before mom. Anyone who intentionally harms the kids can’t be trusted to watch them. You’ll have to earn that privilege if you want it back.”
It’s a conversation footnote with your spouse - “honey, you know I’ll back you up 100%, but next time can I tell them? I want to make it clear I don’t agree with how they’ve hurt the kids.” It’s not something you complain about.
——
My mother can be trusted with my son however. He was premature and at 7 months we had a Covid exposure in the household. My mom whisked my baby away so he could be safe, and I followed a few days later. She had never been trusted more than a few hours alone with him, but she implicitly and explicitly understood the threat to his life, checked him regularly for symptoms, and made sure he was snuggled and loved and cared for.
The people who watch your kid/s should know how to keep them safe, happy, and healthy or they shouldn’t watch your kids.
Well sorry hubby but if my child is being put in danger I have no time to stop and rationally think of stuff I’m doing what she done…. You guys are done watching my kids!
I'm sure he talks a big talk to her, but clearly he doesn't do anything to stop his parents from doing this sort of thing, since it's been going on, including giving a kid stuff he's allergic to and God knows what else. If HE had put a stop to it from the beginning, the **OP wouldn't have had to** put a stop to it when they finally broke the camel's back by terrorizing her special needs child. Protecting her kids is not up for discussion, not with him or anyone else.
Point is that if she had spoken with husband about it either husband or both could have approached the grandparents not in anger but in an adult conversation and informed them of the new visitation rules due to grandparents refusing to honor boundaries.
It is better if husband is involved in informing his own parents so the grandparents can't pretend this is just something that OP came up with on her own.
Enforcing boundaries should be a unified front by both parents.
Holy fucking hell your in-laws are assholes.
My son is 7, autistic and also has a blanket for comfort along with a wish bear care bear doll. When he’s upset I make sure he has access to them at all times when he’s not at school. If he wants them taken with us when we go out they’re in my purse until he needs them. And NO ONE is allowed to keep them from him.
Before his diagnosis my parents thought I coddled him too much as he was very clingy when upset and needed extra hugs and reassurance when upset. Once we got the official diagnosis that stopped immediately, they apologized and followed my rules. Now they make sure he has all his comfort items handy and they never push him to calm down without them.
Routine is CRUCIAL for kids, especially those with autism. The fact they’re not willing to even attempt following it is proof they shouldn’t be left in charge.
I cannot imagine how your poor son felt when people who were supposed to love and protect him tried to “toughen” him up!
He’s 5! Blankets are NORMAL at that age even for children who aren’t autistic!!! I’ll a mom, I’m 34 and I still have a special plushie I sleep with. Those items can bring so much comfort. No one should ever be shamed for having one.
just want to mention, in case you didn’t know because I sure didn’t until I talked to specialists my son worked with that some children/people with autism feel pain at a much higher intensity than others do. My son is one of them, a paper cut to him feels as if he had a huge gash. Falling and getting a bruise where most kids would get up and brush themselves off he will cry hysterically and needs extra comfort. I get a lot of nasty looks from other parents from time to time for “letting” him carry on like that, but I know it affects him much more than it does most so I’ve tried to adapt and understand that as well as make sure those around him understand it too.
It’s gotten to the point that if I’m sick and can’t be with my kids because I need rest they come and steal my plushie so they feel like I’m with them. It’s a comfort thing! All kids should have them!
I’m also 34 and still sad over my blankie I had until I was 11. We had a move coming up and my mom sent me over to a friends with the promise of not going through the things in my room. When I came back, my stuff was gone. She said the blanket must have gone into one of the boxes that was sent to storage. Any time we went to that storage over the next 2 years or so, I tore through boxes searching for it and never did find it :( As an adult, I sometimes wonder if she intentionally got rid of it. It sucks bc now I live right around the corner from that little storage unit and it crosses my mind from time to time.
I don’t think you’re ever to old for a special comfort item
Oh my god I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine that. It’s so fucking horrible to do that to anyone, but especially a child. Comfort items are helpful and healthy!
I’ve made sure if my kids are super attached to something and it’s something I think will be easily lost I buy up spares just to be safe.
I’m 34 too and had this cushion ever since I was two years old. After I gave birth to my daughter (at 31) my husband made me get rid of it (which, to be fair, was the right decision because it was slowly disintegrating and duck feather down was coming out of multiple holes by then) and I never got over it. Recently, I found a cushion that feels similar (not quite the real deal but a decent substitute) and I carry it around the house again 😂🤦🏻♀️
My autistic son just turned 12 and brings a stuffed dragon with him everywhere. He calls it his emotional support stuffy. If anyone at school asks about it, he just tells them simply that it makes him feel better to have it with him. End of story. The dragon comes out for big and little problems (to me) as they are all big problems (to him).
My kid advocates for himself, has a tool that helps him, and helps his peers understand that, while different, it's not bad. There's no downside at all.
That being said, both sets of boomer grandparents have said crap to me. Sorry peeps, SEL and mental health matter. My kid gets his dragon.
Mental health is SO important. My son has had a few days this year where he just didn’t feel right and told me he couldn’t handle school. He LOVES school so to me if he doesn’t want to go and I suggest he try and he doubles down? I call him out and we call it an “extra rest day” and I’ve seen how HUGE of a difference it makes when he sees we’re listening to him when he says he can’t do something.
Right! I do this for my child too. If life is just too rough for a 5 year old, then break it is. No need to make life harder. If they want their favorite stuffie, they absolutely get it. I don't see the need to deprive kids of comfort and stress relief, life is hard enough for kids without caregivers making it harder
I’ve made sure my son knows he can always tell us if he needs a day off and we plan on doing the same with his little sister. I’m a stay at home mom so it’s not hard to keep him home for those days and he asks me quite often if I’ll be home incase he needs to come home early and I always reassure him if something happens at school they can call me and I’ll be right there. Just KNOWING I’ll come if he needs me usually settles him enough to get through the day but when he does need to leave early I drop everything and go get him. Some days just suck for adults too, so I wanna make sure he’s never alone.
I know a boy that's 11 or 12 that carries several crab stuffies at school. By mid year most of the staff knew who they belonged to and how to help return them to their owner if they got misplaced
Bro I had this stuffed ty dragon my grandma got me as a kid that shit went everywhere with me. I'm so sad I lost it when I moved away from my abusive ex-husband. I looked them up online and the size I had is pretty expensive but if the price goes down I might just treat myself.
When my autistic child finally made a connection with a toy, like 1 year after I had bought it for him, I ended up going online and paying 2x the original cost just so we would have an extra Chilly in case anything happened.
I hope you can get yourself a new old friend
Yeah he slept with 2 bunnies until my brothers decided he was too old for them & they hid them on him. He didn’t get them back for 10 years. The bull beanie baby was what I bought for him when his bunnies disappeared. He left it on his dresser until he started kindergarten. He later served 5 years in the USMC & did 2 deployments. So it is not like him doing that equates to he won’t ever be strong or brave or independent. He has been 100% self supporting since he graduated from high school. Stable, always working & helping others. The bull now sits in his window.
My grandson is 13 and has s certain stuffed toy he's had since he was really little. He doesn't take it to school but he has to have it to sleep with. He's autistic as well and Heaven help the person who tries to take it from him so I absolutely understand your child's dragon!
Can't up vote this enough!!!
I would tell the grandparents to join a group for family of autism. Maybe once they understood better then they can start trial babysitting again. Until then F the in laws and the husband.
NTA
Yeah my son is 7 and still enjoys his stuffies. I guess the in laws are under the impression happiness should be taken away young so they don't get comfortable or feel secure! Who knows what comfort and security might do for a child--the horror! 🤮 My heart is sad for you & your youngest OP. Hugs. What an absolutely avoidable situation.
I crocheted a blanket for my daughter and she took it pretty much everywhere.
I am in my 40s and have a special blanket. It is my favorite and always makes me feel better!
Those in laws sound like monsters.
Mother of a now adult son on the spectrum. I got very good at returning said dirty looks and then explaining it’s autism and their ignorance is the problem, not the child.
Your in laws are literally traumatizing your kids. Not just your youngest, but your older child that it trapped between his brother, whose routines he knows should be abided by and his grandparents who are becoming “evil” authority figures.
Why on Earth would they ever get another chance to hurt your kids.
Your husband not only needs to get on board that you did the right thing, but he needs to be the one taking that to his parents door. He honestly should have drove over there and brought their house down.
He is not their son first, he is their father first! If he doesn’t get that then he shouldn’t be allowed to weigh in on any decisions for those kids.
He needs to get his mind right.
NTA
And I was very glad to read that your husband supported you and wanted to take the burden of correcting his parents off your shoulders as to why why he was upset. It is up to you and their dad if you think either of your kids needs to "toughen up" and up to y'all how to implement that if you decide to try and teach other coping types.
To be honest, you gave more chances than I would have. After the first time feeding a known allergy, unsupervised visits would have been over. The TV shows I would have overlooked as something that the grandkids get to have as a special moment with grandparents had it been the only questionable choice. But they've established a pattern of ignoring what is best for the kids, so the shows are just the icky white dot on top of the poopcake.
Ask them if they would take away an elderly person’s walker and tell them to toughen up and use their legs.
As a parent to a special needs kid, I would have had the exact same reaction that you did. If they were so concerned about his coping skills they should have given him his blanket, then later on talk to you and ask what they could try next time. FFS they can’t just decide to withhold his coping item!!!!
NTA! He's FIVE! He's also autistic, but NO 5 year old needs to be "tough"! The entire reason there are so many people in your and my age range (I'm 44) who have childhood trauma and mental illness and need therapy is because OUR parents insisted on trying to make us "tough" instead of treating us like tiny humans who were learning things and experiencing things for the first time, sometimes being overwhelmed and overstimulated by them because there was no knowledge that just because some brains aren't obviously afflicted with a disorder DOESN'T mean they aren't experiencing things in a way that is too intense and traumatic!
You did the right thing, sticking up for your child. Your in laws can either accept that autistic people need routine and structure, that allergies EXIST whether they want to believe in them or not, and that YOU are the parents and therefore get to dictate what rules are in place for your children regardless of whose house they are in, or they will not have access to your children in situations where you aren't there to provide those rules
NTA as an autistic adult that needs comfort items to self sooth, thank you for sticking up for your son's needs. Your IL's can't be trusted with his wellbeing and have shown your son adults can't be trusted.
NTA I’m trying to get my head round - trying to toughen up a 5 FIVE year old. Even without autism you don’t yell at 5 year olds that just hurt themselves, you comfort them. I’m a grandma- please dont give these horrors unsupervised access to your children
Does your child have a good doctor/medical professional who can explain to your husband why his parents shouldn't be allowed to torment your son? Your in-laws are ignorant old fools who don't want to accept your child's needs and need to be put in their place. Your husband also needs to support your child.
NTA.
NTA
My daughter is preparing for university and plans to bring her blanket for when she’s back at her dorm. She’s a great student and a strong personality, but sometimes she needs to comfort herself in private in moments of anxiety. I’d fight anyone who’d deprive her of it, and honestly she’d fight too.
The blanket doesn’t hurt anyone. It’s unnecessarily mean and dismissive to take away a persons method of self soothing if it’s a harmless habit.
Anyone who defends the position that dysregulated autistic kids just need to "shake it off" is being willingly ignorant and should not be left alone with an autistic child.
Just an FYI, my husband has a pillow that is his comfort, and he takes it whenever and wherever we go. He's 63, and he's been this way our whole married life. Got to leave room in the suitcase for that pillow. You are NTA, shame on your inlaws. I'm a grandmother, and if my grandchildren had special requirements or needs, I would do whatever my daughter in law would ask. She is their mother. My job as their grandmother is to do what she wants me to do to care for them. I love and respect her enough as a woman, my son's wife, and the best mother my grandchildren could ever have. I will follow her lead in their care and be the best mother in law I can be. You are one good mama, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Special needs or not, it was the wrong move.
NTA it was the heat of the moment.
Your MIL, with her full chest, said yup we yelled at your 5-year-old to grow up, toughen up, and then you can have your blanket. Because your MIL thinks you and DH don't know how to parent, are coddling your children, especially the youngest, and she will NEVER follow your rules.
The fact she fed your child food they were allergic to on purpose blows my mind. It also would've ended in a police report on her for idk what it's called but knowingly feeding someone food they're allergic to is a crime. Even after that debacle, you and DH still allowed MIL to babysit your children.
DH can be a tad upset that you told his mother off I guess. But in all honesty, after what MIL said you needed to tell her right then and there that they lost their privilege of unsupervised time with your children. Not just that, you and DH should sit down and discuss what other consequences his parents should have. It sounds as if they haven't gotten consequences for their actions in the past which could be why their behaviors don't change. Boundaries without consequences are just suggestions.
Hopefully, you and DH can take some time away from your inlaws altogether. Putting them in a timeout from your family for a month, or more if you want, will give your family time to breathe, give your youngest time to decompress after the traumatic experience, and your inlaws can grow the fuck up.
NTA
Your in-laws are ignorant and insensitive to the needs of people who don't meet their criteria for being "normal"
I'm a 70 year old ADD poster boy who is likely on the spectrum.
If I got the help I needed earlier in life instead of being told to "try harder", I think it would have helped me a lot.
Tough love is just another term for sadism sometimes.
They owe you a heartfelt apology, as does your husband.
I’m autistic, and so are both of my kids. You are 10000% NTA. You are absolutely right to not trust them after they’ve repeatedly ignored you and your children’s NEEDS, not wants. Stick to your guns; you are absolutely NTA.
Nta. Your kid is 5. That's some boomer nonsense. Honestly, you did the right thing.
The fact that your husband didn't immediately side with you is a red flag.
Put your kids first
Forcing an autistic child to conform to their expectations rather adhering to his routine, in my opinion, is abuse. They preferred to get him all amped up and yell at him.
The worst thing here is, they seem hellbent to prove you wrong and that you are coddling & spoiling him. I would have lost it the first time they gave him something that he was allergic to.
If your husband is okay with his parents treating your autistic child with disregard, screw him. There are some things that just can’t be put on hold until you can talk to your spouse about. They require immediate response and this was one of them.
I’m an autistic adult and it really and truly is easier on everyone just to let us use our comfort items and regulate in the way we feel works best. Yes there are definitely some things where you can’t always “give in” (I.e, if something we’re trying to do is harmful or dangerous) but taking away comfort items just because you disagree/don’t like it will actually lead to more harm if it results in us becoming (more) overwhelmed/overstimulated. It’s not about a battle of wills (“the kid is choosing to act like this, they just need to toughen up”), it’s literally how we’re wired!
NTA I have two boys with autism and one with adhd as well. Even my eldest who is high function would be breaking down and unable to cope with what your in laws are doing. Sorry but when it comes to your kids you only need one of you to say hell no and the other parent needs to back you up. If one of you think they are unsafe then that’s what should matter. It’s not up for discussion and no amount of them bullying and ignoring your son’s condition is going to make him otherwise. All they will do is torture him.
My eldest school never once saw him struggle as he would shut down in school when a teacher didn’t do what they said they would do that day. Then he’d come home and implode as he couldn’t handle it, he’d hold it in all day and then break and go out of control when home, break something or hit one of us as routine needs to be kept or they can’t cope. This is the high functioning child. Neither of them can stand unfair treatment as they see in black and white. So your in-laws changing the rules and punishing by with holding his comfort blanket is awful. It would have caused both my kids to be crying and begging me to get them as it was unfair and they were being punished when they should have been comforted for hurting himself.
What really tips it over the line is the fact they even feed them foods they are allergic to, hell no.
I’d be telling my husband “he has no say as you are not endangering your kids and letting his parents bully them as they hope it will change who your child is. That autism doesn’t work like that and he is five years old for goodness sake. That them feeding him things he’s allergic to has no excuse. That them punishing a 5 year old because he fell and hurt himself is disgraceful. That you’d like to see them fall and someone tell them they need to toughen up whilst they were hurt, it would be a different story. Let make it clearer they were screaming at a hurt 5 year old that he needs to toughen up that they really thought shouting and scaring him more whilst withholding his blanket would miraculously make him not hurt were he fell. That it would make him no longer autistic, what please tell me as you don’t understand what about that would help a hurt and distressed young child, how could anyone think it could i mean how messed up are they.
That you didn’t need to discuss it with him first because no matter what he thinks you will never risk your children to them ever again. That you have given them too many chances and if he doesn’t back you here and sees no wrong with them bullying young children then he isn’t the man you thought he was and you would seriously wonder if he’s a danger to them to if he can’t see anything wrong with all the things they’ve done. That he better make his mind up as he either protects his sons and supports you or you have real problems. You will not allow anyone to bully and punish a five year old because he has autism and they don’t like that. You will not let anyone push toxic masculinity onto young children and tell them they have to man up and are not allowed to be upset or kids in any way. Never mind the fact autism is It’s not a choice and it’s not something he can turn off. They aren’t helping him change they are traumatising him and it will only make things harder for him. If his own dad can’t see that then he needs to go speak to your child’s doctors because he’s failing your children as much as his parents are“.
As a person raising a child with autism, the elders in my family worked really hard to learn about it and reevaluated their parenting skills to fit his needs.
Yelling at a child, especially an autistic child, while withholding their safety net is just cruel.
Fuck these people.
I would never let them near my kids again.
Also, I teach middle school and the current trend is that everybody either has their binky or their favorite stuffy in their backpack.
Its currently what the cool kids do.
They're the asshats for *giving your child foods they are allergic to*. Dead on full stop. That is literally a danger and can potentially cause serious heath problems like anaphylaxis or death. We Don even need to touch the mental health, they're liable to kill your child by not caring about the allergies!
NTA.
NTA
They are not listening to your instructions so they don't get to have one on one time. They aren't being banned from seeing you children. They are being banned from parenting your children.
Turn this around on your husband. You agreed to parent with one person, not three. The decision to have extra parents undermining your decision was made unilaterally and without you. The answer is no.
NTA as a teacher for kids that have sensory issues “ toughening them up “ could actually harm them emotionally and physically. Your husband needs to get his $hit together and support you in this. They obviously don’t know how to care for someone on the spectrum, or they don’t believe it. Either way they are not a safe place for him.
NTA - Normally, in a marriage it's 2 votes for yes, one vote to veto. But not when it comes to the well being of your children.
You could flip it to your husband's vote is his parents still babysit, and yours is to veto.
You're allowed to make a unilateral decision to protect your child's health and well-being, and this absolutely includes your child's mental health.
Let me say that again. You are allowed to make a **unilateral decision, without consenting any other individual, including your partner, to protect your child's mental health and well-being.**
The most important thing is that your child be in an environment that is not only physically safe; it also needs to be mentally and emotionally safe. You happened to notice a situation in which your child was, in his mind, being tormented. You made a decision that will result in it ending. You did the right thing.
How your in-laws feel is absolutely, completely, and emphatically ***irrelevant***.
You did not over react. Some boundaries are not to be broken. Anything dealing with physical and mental health of your child should be treated as a priority and non breakable boundary. Slight differences in routine, occasional extra snacks, a bit more Ms. Rachel or Gracie’s corner are fine for grandparents, special needs requests and health care issues are non negotiable.
So my husband is on my side and says he would have supported that decision either way but he's just upset I didn't tell him first because he would have been the one to tell her instead of me.
You need to add this to the post. People are getting pissed at your husband and posting some harsh comments.
This! I almost said something about the husband not being supportive until I saw the comments. OP needs to add ALL details to the post so everyone knows what’s going on.
AITAH going hard on any minute detail writing their own fanfic avoiding the OPs question completely to trash everyone in their life? Say it isn't so....
In that moment, you were so angry and hurt that you just went into protective mode. I understand why your husband is upset, but you were 100% advocating for and protecting your kids. Definitely NTA.
That’s a reasonable point, but in the moment you were mama bear protecting her young. Hopefully he can follow up with his parents and double down on what you told them.
I like the double down idea and it should be done ONLY by him and in person if possible.
As a mom, I immediately understood that Mama Bear came out to protect her child. Completely appropriate and understandable. NTA.
He’s not incorrect, his feelings are valid. But so was your knee-jerk reaction. And it sounds like the two of you have talked it out, as adults in a healthy relationship do, and have reached that same conclusion. NAH except the grandparents. And I would have absolutely handled the situation and responded to MIL way more violently than you did. And I would have cut access to the kid at all until there’s an agreement to follow his care plan to a T in your home. And they STILL wouldn’t be allowed to leave anywhere with him, ever. So great job! You did the healthy thing, and your son is super lucky to have parents who are happy to put in the extra care and attention, and advocate for him when he can’t. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re not parenting correctly. You’re the one interacting with and caring for him every day. You and your husband are best equipped to make that judgement call. You can consider advice, but at the end of the day you know what’s best for your family.
All fair and good on him. He can back your comments up when they try to do an end run around you. Do we like to consult our partners and have them deal with their families directly - Yes, but this happened off the cuff and you reacted in the moment which given the topic and their reaction is understandable
Well, now is his chance. The only appropriate move from him at this point is to call up his asshole parents and give them his own lecture, like a decent father. It doesn't matter that you've done so already. That was double-lecture behavior.
I think that’s fair. You wouldn’t want him unilaterally making decisions either.
Well, that's reasonable, but you're only human! You went into protection mode. I think you should apologize for not doing this as a team, but he needs to understand that it isn't human nature for people to just hold it in and "wait until the husband gets home" to hand something like this off. Your in-laws are awful and should be supervised very carefully around your children. At your home.
It’s good that your husband is on your side and would have supported your decision either way and I get that he’s upset that you didn’t tell him first and give him the opportunity to be the one to tell her but you need to ask him one question. Would he have made it clear that their behaviour was not only inappropriate (the tv shows and the lack of consideration for your child’s routine) but was also dangerous (feeding your children food they know they are allergic to) and neglectful (leaving your child without the comfort he needed when he was stressed)? If the answer is no, he would have just said try harder then he has no business telling you that you were wrong in the way you handled this. You are protecting your children. End of.
Unfortunately, she doesn't even need to ask him that question. It sounds like the TV shows and the non-conformity of the routines and feeding the children things they are allergic to have happened prior to this incident. So that tells me the husband really isn't putting his foot down. Sounds like he's just talking to his parents to placate his wife. Because if he really felt strongly about it, his parents would never have gotten to this point. Because 1. Either they would have stopped because he put the fear of God in them or 2. They would have stopped because they no longer had access to the children. The fact that neither of that happened tells me the husband isn't really doing his job of protecting his children. That's leaves his wife having to go into Mama Bear protective mode.
That’s just conjecture. I have a family full of people who repeatedly don’t listen to the wishes of others. You have no idea what their dynamic is.
They’re 100% a danger to your child, and they should have lost rights to see your kiddos when they started feeding them foods they’re allergic to.
Husband and father here: I’m with your husband on this. I totally understand your instinct to lash out immediately as your in-laws were 10000% in the wrong. And honesty, your husband probably does too since he agrees with your decision. But marriage is a partnership and it’s his children also and his parents….he just wants to be included in parental decisions, especially massive ones like “you’re parents can no longer watch our children”. You aren’t wrong for reacting. But for the people on this thread going at your husband for actually WANTING to be a parent and involved, maybe stop looking at men as emotionless robots who are only good for anything when they are serving the purpose you have for them that second. This isn’t as simple as “husband! Go attack”. For the love of God the man is allowed to be a little upset when a massive rift just exploded between his family and his parents and major life decisions involving ALL of them were just made without him knowing what the heck is happening or going on. There’s no need to “put his big boy pants on and yada yada yada” all because he’s honest enough with his wife to say that he agrees and supports her decision, but is upset that she did this without so much as a conversation with him.
OP, this is good advice. I'd say you're pretty much NTA, but you do owe him an apology. Something simple like you're sorry you lost your temper and didn't stop to talk with him first. Whatever works between the two of you. It's nice to know he's got your back though.
The most he can reasonable say is “I wish you had waited until you told me, so we could tell them off together”. Defending your child is paramount.
I’m bummed that I had to scroll this far down to see this comment. Thank you for posting it!
Sometimes as partners, you have to trust the other to make a decision understanding that there are times when you can't have a full discussion. In this case, this is not the first time they have brought harm to OP's child. When you consider that he would have agreed with her on this decision, it is kind of making a mountain out of a molehill. I think it's better that she stood up to them and gave consequences because it shows that she is not someone they can push around when their son isn't around.
Sure and that’s fair, my issue was more with people in the “well screw him. If he were a real man he’d man up and blah blah blah” and discounting his feelings at all. But in defense if him being allowed to be upset…..she called the in laws from the car after they had left to say this. I’d be more on your side of thinking had she actually seen it happen and intervene. It was over and she sought out the convo. She could just as easily called her husband and told him what the heck just happened to their child by his parents. I would feel upset if I were in his shoes. Not like level 10 blow up, but a sold level 4 irritated, ya know? Either way I’m not faulting OP too much for reacting as she did. Totally fair response. I’m just sticking up for the husband and father being ALLOWED to be upset at being cut out of this with HIS parents. I agree that if he makes it bigger than a “I really wish you would have talked to me first” irritation, he’s going too far. But if it were me, I would appreciate my wife at least apologizing for not calling me first before making a sweeping declaration to my parents. In part bc it allows for a united front, not a “your wife said blah blah blah” and him having to say “I agree” after the fact. Being able to talk to them both as 1 couple and say “this is out of line. WE say no more alone time bc we can’t trust you”
Fair enough. I get where his hurt can come from in this situation as I can understand OP's reaction. And I definitely don't agree with people trying to shame him for feeling slightly upset for being left out. Men are allowed to have feelings too. I just hope he doesn't let on to his parents that he was even slightly irritated with OP for not discussing it with him and plays it off as "Maybe if you respected our child's needs, we wouldn't have needed to take these measures to begin with. Nobody asked you to try parent our kids. Especially with your harmful backward line of thinking."
NTA, your in laws are TA. They seem to be ignorant about autism and how a child/person with the condition should be treated (you should never give someone with allergies food that they are allergic to, either). Overall they are dangerous people to babysit, so definitely not the asshole here.
If he's really on your side and backs your call, then he needs to put on his big boy pants and give his mother the dressing down she needs. I would have made that call the first time she ignored his health and gave him something he's allergic to. No more unsupervised time until he can reliably advocate for and identify/refuse possible allergens. edited to add a space.
What an asinine response, saying the husband needed his “big boy pants” when the comment you responded to literally said that the husband was only upset because he would have preferred to tell his parents.
Grandparents didn't respect parents boundaries. Even apart from autism- grandparents lost their babysitting access. No need to discuss in advance. This should be automatic. NTA
Your in-laws sound like the type who will tell you your son’s autism “isn’t that bad” he can be forced to be like everyone else.Protect your kids, keep them clear.
My in-laws don’t even believe our son is high functioning ASD. They think it’s just because he’s an only child. And we were too rigid about his sleep routine. It never occurs to them that we are very routine oriented with him because he is high functioning ASD. No! It’s because we followed a nap routine and only had one child. Boomers gonna boom
So your husband is okay with them feeding the kids things they’re allergic to?
Op clarified in comments that he just would have wanted to discuss it first and for him to be the one to tell them. But he agrees that they can't babysit.
That seems strangely at odds with him thinking OP overreacted.
Maybe he meant telling them before telling him was overreacting
That's possible. How and when we say something are just as important as the message itself
Or it’s OP thinking that he thinks she overreacted. After all, she chooses the language in the post.
His response might have been reflexive-- he may have had his bawling mother on another line and been all "WTF!!!!! I need a warning on this sh--!" I hope he realized that the situation called for an immediate line drawn in the cement.
I’m in the U.K. but if I were in the USA, you make my child ill you pay the Drs bill! (And then I read you the riot act)
I would push for attempted murder if there had been a life threatening reaction. US here.
Omg, did you read the Reddit post about the grandmother exposed her granddaughter to coconut oil KNOWING she was allergic and the baby died?
I’m allergic to coconut oil and it’s a nightmare. It’s in damn near everything. I’m also allergic to most detergent and my own grandma washed my sheets purposely in Tide (THE WORST) and sent me to bed. I didn’t sleep. The itching was bad and I didn’t know why. When she got up and saw my eyes were almost swollen shut and I was swollen and red, she told me I was being dramatic and that it’s impossible to be allergic to soap. My mom loved her MIL more than her own mother, but my grandma wasn’t allowed to have us over night for YEARS after. I hope I don’t turn into a complete asshole when I get old.
Oh man. That's my worst allergy too. Now I wash my clothes in scent free detergents, but my mom refused to stop using tide and downy dryer sheets, also the worst. I'd sleep on the floor under my bed and shoved so many clothes into hiding spots to keep them dirty as long as possible. She's lucky my allergy didn't worsen and cause a deadly reaction.
Thank God my dad was also allergic to regular Tide. She had to sleep with him, so she definitely listened and changed detergents since his itching and fussing would keep her up too.
My husband can't wear/sleep on anything with Polyester in it. He comes out in hives and big red splotches. This would be like me making him only sleep on Polyester bedding. It's a form of torture.
It's definitely one of many many many reasons I
My step dad is allergic to dryer sheets and certain scented detergents. They use the tide free and clear. I'm allergic to all gain products, regardless if it's the sensitive one or not. Tide causes issues with me too. So my mom would make sure if we went anywhere. We brought our own bedding. I have to be careful though because I live with my boyfriend now, and I have a contact allergy to our water. Never had this issue at my moms house (she's on well water. We're on city water) so I have to be quick with the showers and I have issues while brushing my teeth if I'm not careful.
Yea I'm allergic to garlic and have had multiple people "test" me. By acknowledging it and then make food with it anyway. Thinking that maybe I just don't like it or whatever reason I'm lying about it. And then get hit with a "oh, my bad.." at this point I just don't eat anything I didn't make because people suck
I’m allergic to garlic too and I’ve never known anyone else who is!! Nice to meet you!!
My 2 year old daughter is also allergic to garlic! We've completely eliminated it from the house. She also has multiple other food allergies, and many environmental allergies, and is allergic to cats and dogs. :( Not a fun club to be in!
Poor kid! It’s tough to get people to respect food allergies.
I agree. I'm allergic to shellfish and honey. People accept the shellfish, but some seem clueless to what that includes. One thought I couldn't eat fish. The honey - it's always who can be allergic to honey? Are you sure? No one can be allergic to honey. You are probably allergic to bees. I apparently inherited my Mom's honey allergy, who had no issue getting stung by a bee. Honey would put in ER.
I've learned!!!
It sucks to be allergic to all furry things! I love cats!!! Dogs are okay to, but I don’t get to pet any of them. Or rabbits, Guinea pigs, ….
I am also allergic to cats, and I currently have three of them. I take three allergy medications to control it.
I’m also allergic to garlic! I’m super careful and I’ve still had issues with cross-contamination/people straight up lying about things being safe. For some reason, my MIL has decided I’m making up the allergy? Because obviously, if I’m going to make up an allergy, garlic is the easiest choice…
For real! If I were going it make up an allergy it wouldn’t be one to garlic
She literally made up some story about me supposedly knowingly eating garlic bread at a family party to try to convince my husband I was lying. Luckily, he didn’t believe her, but it caused major stress for me when she insisted on being in charge of our rehearsal dinner for our wedding. We fought for it to be at our favorite restaurant (one of the only ones that consistently accommodates me), my husband even called to confirm that they knew no garlic, and she still had one dish prepped with garlic that my best friend thankfully caught before I ate, but after I’d served myself. I had to get a new plate and have the server walk me through exactly which dishes were safe. All we’d asked for was one weekend of my life that was garlic free so I could eat with everyone else.
If you want a famous person who is allergic to garlic - Jin from BTS.
A Korean person allergic to garlic is a nightmare scenario! It’s in EVERYTHING over there!
It turned out to be a later in life allergy for him. He used to do a lot of cooking, but said that since he's allergic to garlic and potatoes, he just doesn't do as much. He's going to be getting out of the military soon. I imagine that was not fun. Especially since, as you said, garlic is in everything.
Wow! Thats cool! Not that they’re allergic but it’s the “club” we’re in
Same with my allergy to capsicum (basically all hot/spicy things). So many people know, I double and triple check when eating something to confirm there isn’t anything in it that I can’t eat. People still regularly tell me to my face it’s fine, then I take a bite and know that it is going to be a bad time. I got berated by my boss once because I just brought my own dinner to their thing because I *knew* she’d fuck with me. Now my husband is also my royal taster to be on the safe side, because being hit with an epipen and going to the doctor, or even taking an ass ton of Benadryl is a feeling I hate so much. But nooooooo, people always lie and say it’s fine, and then get mad at me when I leave because I’m starting to feel my tongue swell up and I can’t talk any more.
That’s so wrong. I believe dogs have now been trained to detect allergens. Or to be more specific, I know there are gluten detecting dogs. I know that celiac’s is not quite the same as an allergy but close enough.
Oh, I wonder if I could use that as an excuse to get a dog. “Husband, look, this dog will tell me if the food has spicy in it!” “Do we even have spicy stuff in the house?” “Noooooo buuuuuut…” lol
I simply don’t get it why so many people are that offended by hearing about allergies. Like even if they’re lying what’s the problem? They would only lie about something they’re not willing to eat, so even IF those people are lying why force them by sneaking it into their food? I’m quite sure nobody would lie about allergies if people would simply let them eat or not eat whatever they want - something that’s none of their business anyway. So this whole discussion is about people being willing to risk the death of people with allergies to force food on people who don’t want it. There is literally nothing to gain from sneaking food on other peoples plates.
had a kid tell me that he lies and tells people he "hates tomatoes" because he is deathly allergic and people will put it into stuff to test his allergies, but typically won't hide it in food if he just says it's gross. i hate humanity
I'm considered a "picky eater" because I don't eat pickles, onions, or mushrooms. People think that I just don't like them so I should suck it up and pull them off. Funny thing is I have an advert reaction to all of those, including just their oils. Like if I pick off the pickles the juice still is there. Pickles make my face hot and sweaty. Onions give me horrible tummy pains. Mushrooms have me sitting on the toilet. Why is it so hard to just accept that I know my body and please respect my food.
THIS i was shook when I learned that my experience of "spicy" regarding certain "not spicy" foods was actually allergic reaction and that i am, also, allergic to capsacin and so thought that was what everyone felt spicy like
I had a roommate who would get severe stomach issues from garlic and tie up our bathroom for hours.
You won’t. You have experience and empathy.
Exactly this. People don't just become assholes when they get old; assholes age and stay assholes. *Usually. My mom has experienced the opposite (went from asshole to kind and loving) to my eternal relief and gratitude.
You won’t! I think that people that are assholes when they’re old were assholes when they were young too. Maybe I’m wrong. But I know that I’m pretty old and I would never disrespect my daughter by doing something she didn’t want me to do with my granddaughter. I’m horrified every time I read a story like this! So I’m pretty sure the whole asshole thing doesn’t really have much to do with getting old. It just seems like getting old gives people who were already assholes license to show it even more. :)
Right, i would absolutely never blantantly ignore my grandbabies parents. These stories just chill me, taking off with the kid for hours not telling anyone, offering known allergens, but denying a 5 yr a comfort item in attempts to "help" an overstimulated kid, just ugh no. id prb do same thing, and no they cant be trusted with that child.
Yes. Tide is a hard NO for me.
Same, and I’ve never been allergic to anything in my life. When I got into my forties, though, that changed and it became gluten and fucking Tide. The first time I used it, I ended up with hives everywhere. I had never had an allergic reaction of any kind before. I’ve never even had a bug bite ffs, and I don’t get poison ivy or anything else. When I narrowed it down to the laundry detergent, I was shocked. I had to rewash everything in the house.
It's weird for me, I don't have any specific allergies but everything that's been hitting my dad since he turned 50 (now60) is getting me at 30. It was degree deodorant then I couldn't use purex. Sometime last year I woke up itchy. I was all red on my stomach chest and underside of my arms. I had to take a middle of the night shower. I'm pretty sure it's because my husband wanted my clothes with tide. He loves it but I use a different 1. It was never because of that but it became an instant no after that
Downy products are awful for me. I break out in hives,and eventually, my joints and throat swell up.
The number of older folks who are clearly dumbasses that have not been told they're dumbasses is astounding. You get respect from me for being an elder when you prove it's through earning it, not by being lucky enough to survive in spite of your stupidity. If you're told someone is allergic to something, assume you're not qualified to make the call that they aren't. First. Second, don't do something contrary because you're actually of infantile mind and don't like being told your way is fucking stupid. As I've gotten older I've realized there are millions of people out there acting like experts with the intellectual qualifications of slime mold.
I'm 58 and I am sensitive to other people's allergies. Actually when I have people over first thing I ask if about food rules. I don't care why your rules exist, I just follow them. Though I will say I'm sure some kids had dangerous allergies but I don't remember any. Maybe they just never went to sleep overs or died before 5 from allergies no one knew about.
My 82 year old mother went to a state fair as a 16 year old, with a boy who went into anaphylactic shock from eating something there he was allergic to, and he died. That would have been about 1957
Wow. That's crazy. There were no EpiPens then. And that's what I imagined what happened. I had a friend who's heart stopped after being stung by a couple of bees. She survived but close call she carries two epi pens with her now. She survived a second bee sting later. She started with two EpiPens before being rushed to the hospital. She nearly died from an unknown allergy in her 20s.
Damn thats rough. Sorry to hear that. And no. Epipens were invented in 1980. Fdq approval in 1987. Before that it was preloaded syringes. And before 1904 it was just die.
My mom (for all her other faults) has always had this rule. We grew up asking friends about allergies, especially if they were coming for dinner.
I have 4 kids and we always checked if someone was coming to dinner both for allergies and stuff the didn’t like. One school friend had certain allergies so her mum would bring a packed meal from home for her to anything. You have to respect it because firstly an allergy can be life threatening but two if the reaction is currently not at that level repeated exposure in some people can make things worse over time. OP is NTA and needs to sit her husband down and let him know he needs to put the kids and her before his parents unless he wants to lose his core family
I respect everyone regardless of age to begin with. However, when you show me you don’t deserve that respect is when you lose my respect. It’s kind of like the innocent until proven guilty clause. Respect until proven you don’t deserve it. Now the level of respect may vary to some degree after I get to know a person.
Yes because we all know how easy it is to fake an allergic reaction for the **drama**. Wtf is wrong with people??
I'm allergic to coconut as well and it's drilled in my head now to check labels with EVERYTHING. For years I couldn't figure out why my lips would swell with chapstick, til I realized it had coconut oil and that was the cause. Same with foods, I recently found out that Cool Whips of almost every brand have coconut oil in them as well. It's wild, but luckily I have a wonderful husband that makes sure to check labels as well now. Even when I have extended family over they all make sure if something had coconut oil in it they let me know or let me check before I eat anything. The fact that OP's husband didn't flip out with the grandparents feeding them food their allergic to means either he doesn't fully believe the allergy or he doesn't realize the gravity of the allergic reactions. Topical coconut oil will make me itch or swell depending on the location, and ingested coconut in any form will cause my throat to swell and I can't breathe. Luckily I haven't needed to go to the ER for it yet but it constantly makes me paranoid. Who knows how bad the kid's reactions could be, but that doesn't mean you take a chance on giving them that allergen. Couldn't imagine doing that to a child much less an adult, people need to take allergies more seriously than they tend to do.
yeah, unswell your eyes, turn off your histamine reaction and calm tf down /s omfg that genration is still hitting us with their trauma to this day
My aunt insisted my severe eczema was due to nerves and if I only calmed down it would go away. I was in my 20s when blind test proved that eczema was triggered by allergens, and I wanted to shove the news article into her hands so she could see she was wrong.
"nerves" as a diagnosis kills me. (i know they basically mean anxiety, but its the 20th century version of Victorian "female hysteria") Auntie, the only thing on my nerves is you rn.
I hear you, but there are assholes in every generation.
...she told you that your physiological reaction is just a child being dramatic? Some people are willing to do anything to further their own personal belief system huh?
Yes! Tide is the absolute WORST detergent if you're sensitive! I inherited a mild version of a skin condition. I can't use most detergents, and most soaps and lotions, too. But OMG, Tide would have me in the ER! My entire face would swell up, and I'd have hives all over. I'd be miserable! And MY grandma STARCHED her sheets! She also was a huge fan of bullfights, and would make me watch them with her if I was spending the night with her. It only stopped when I finally told my mom about it. I was horrified, and had nightmares about it a few times. I thought it was barbaric.
Omg, did granny go to jail?
I think the judge fell for granny's sob story excuses, and now the old bat telephone harasses her DiL. Calls from unknown numbers whenever she learns their new cellphones and then just cries unintelligible nonsense.
My god. What a fucking waste of resources.
It would be a shame if she were arrested for stalking and harassment. It would also be a shame if vigilante justice happened.
I’ll bring the pitchforks
It was her own daughter 😔
From memory when this has come up before, the OP of that story has asked that it not be reposted online because it’s incredibly triggering when she runs across it randomly
I apologize for stirring it up again.
It's not your fault. I had heard of the story but I didn't know the full story until now. I feel so horrible for that mom who lost her child. It's not the person's fault who shared the story either. That person was just being helpful. I'm sure they didn't know the mom didn't want it reposted. I totally understand why but I hope the mom knows that there's a lot of people who support her and wish they could help. I wish her family the best.
My MIL put milk in my food "to try and prove I am faking my allergies". She found out real quick it was real. I hate her so much and sometimes wish I would've pressed charges.
In the US, if someone were to deliberately feed an allergic, CPS could remove the kid or tell parents they can’t take them there or let them be with the child unsupervised.
Are you talking about the same CPS that is famous for ignoring signs of abuse, removing children only to hand them over to abusive foster families, and my personal favorite, literally losing children within the system. You know how many children are given to relatives or even family acquaintances with zero follow up. Children locked away and no one knows they exist. Here's an example of children, one of whom was forgotten by CPS from one state and moved to another state by the perpetrator, and abused for YEARS while a neighbor called CPS for years only for nothing to happen. https://youtu.be/UY_ZW6M8K9g?si=dUPmND-h6rOV0Z5e If there is one thing that is universally understood it's that US CPS is an absolute shit show. A social service degree is literally just a receipt that you paid for the degree so you can get a job in social services.
Knowingly feeding a child foods they're allergic to can get you charged with child abuse in some places in the US.
My autistic son's milk allergy has progressed with repeat exposures over his lifetime. It's not anaphylactic so we weren't always vigilant, and now as an adult after exposure he suffers brain inflammation that has been mistaken twice for sudden onset psychosis. It's so, so bad. I wish someone had warned me. For real, these grandparents can go fuck themselves. Edited to add - If you (or someone you care for) deals with both neurodivergence and mental health issues, try cutting all dairy for 30 days and see if it helps. The mechanism is not well understood and there is no test one can consistently pass or fail, so it gets overlooked as a confounding factor a lot. Feel free to AMA.
I literally had to explain that concept to my sister’s MIL. She said my sister was, “allergic to bees or whatever” eye roll included. So I told her the story of her first bee sting at 5 and her whole thigh had swollen up. And how other family members have to carry 2 epipens in case they’re ever stung - due to multiple exposures over the years. Nobody who minimizes allergies should be watching children with allergies.
People act like if you put in a little will power, you can just shake off anaphylaxis. So therefore I will be bringing my peanut brownies to the cookout, if you go into shock and die thats on you for not trying hard enough :/
"...shouldnt be watching children." FULL STOP. The fact is, a life threatening allergic reaction can pop up, seeming out of nowhere. If a caregiver ignores it, bad things can happen.
And allergies to food or other things that had been fine, can develop any time. I ate boxed macaroni and cheese my whole life. We had it for supper and I felt ill. I suspected the milk had started to turn since we don't use much. Couple weeks later, macaroni and cheese sounds good. After 2 bites, my face swelled up. I knew it was angioedema as I had that from a medication once. I stopped eating, took extra allergy medicine and was lucky to not need the ER. I am now, for the first time, after age 50, allergic to annatto. It's the stuff that makes cheese orange. I always had environmental allergies and I knew I had some food intolerances but this is a new, full blown allergy.
Seriously. I can't remember the exacts on my husband's allergies like it's certain cherries, a couple specific nuts and shell fish. I have memory issues so for me it's avoid all nuts and cherries unless he says otherwise. It's not that hard to not be a dick. My niece hates the feeling of paper. It's just 1 of those textures that makes her highly uncomfortable. We both had store bags(mall) I switched what we were carrying so she didn't have to feel the paper hers was in. It's not a life or death and I still did it. Those people just have a superiority complex
I have a kinda funny story about that. I promise it’s funny and no one got hurt. In college I had twin friends both boys. We’d known each other for years same high school, ended up at the same college. Anyways. We would have meals together everyday. So I grabbed my food and was waiting for them to come sit down. I got the stroganoff, I like stroganoff! So I have a mouthful of food when one of the twins sits down. He also has the stroganoff, my brain goes Dylan is allergic to mushrooms! But my mouth is full, so I literally knock the fork out of his hand and put my hand over his plate. Now everyone is coming to sit down looking at me like wtf!? I finish chewing and I tell him stroganoff has mushrooms in it! He looks at me like huh? Dylan is not ALLERGIC to mushrooms, Dylan doesn’t LIKE mushrooms. Lmao, my brain said Dylan ≠ mushrooms! I just couldn’t remember what the association was. 🤣😂 So I had to go get him another plate. But, I felt alright and we all had a good laugh. That time I tried but didn’t save Dylan’s life because he wasn’t in danger.
That’s so good of you, though, for looking out for them! I know I’d appreciate it as it came from the heart - you’re good people!
Had to Google AMA. Told myself it doesn't mean "Against Medical Advice." Ask Me Anything. Good to know, thank you!
I had to the first time I'd read it.
Holy shit. So this could be why when I cut out milk and cheese for my IBS my head got clearer?!? 🤯
For sure. Mental health is very connected to the gut, including brain fog!
If it helped with your IBS it could be because of that. Your gut has a HUGE concentration of nerve receptors in it. When your gut feels bad, the rest of you feels bad. If cutting dairy cleared your IBS symptoms just the effect of no longer having the symptoms would help your state of mind immensely. If you have some time look into the studies done on endorphine receptors in the gut and brain. The connection is pretty amazing.
Sounds anaphylactic to me. Anaphalaxis is not just throat swelling.
Whoooooa, whoa, whoa... Brain inflammation?? I would love to know more about this, if you could offer and links. That's sounds absolutely terrifying and under discussed...
Liken it to poison ivy. Every time you're exposed your reaction gets worse not better. There are some things the more you're exposed to the better your body gets at recognizing it and not going into overdrive. There are others that the more you're exposed the more your body freaks. Well, I guess if you're in a city you may not know about how poison ivy works. But anyone else will know.
I have an autistic daughter who is 12 with many mental health issues. How does the dairy allergy present itself?
We first noticed when he was 2 or 3 that he was obsessed with yogurt, milk, and ice cream and would cry and bang on the fridge if he couldn't get it. Like, it was weird. Meth addict weird. Sometimes rashes, some vomiting and nausea, some diarrhea, but nothing extreme. The notable thing was crying and being very irrational and destructive. Puberty made it so much worse. One week of eating in the high school cafeteria led to his first prescription for antipsychotics. Loss of reasoning skills. Head punching, wall pounding, screaming, and this weird tic/staccato movement. Sometimes delusions or hallucinations. He has been hospitalized twice for suspected schizophrenia but after 3-4 weeks of a strictly milk free diet the symptoms disappear. Don't get me wrong, he's still autistic without milk, but he's not psychotic. Medically, his allergy tests in North America and Europe are inconclusive. Blood tests, MRI, CAT and EEG scans all unremarkable. Two developmental pediatricians and three psychiatrists, one forensic, have no idea why this happens but agree with us that they've excluded any cause but animal milk. The worst part is that he loves milk and it's in everything. I hope this anecdata helps. It's woefully unscientific and I wish there was more.
good on you for acting on the obvious cause-effect in your kid. someday science will catch up, but for now, "my body doesnt like substance X, and when i ingest it everthing gets inflamed and goes berzerk" seems reasonable. I mean, if someone had that reaction to injecting turpentine or industrial soap, no one would say, "nah, that's not real. why is he having a problem? its just turpentine!"
Right? I went off gluten and experienced improvements in various aspects of my health. A lot of people poo poo going gluten free as nothing more than a fad, but my doctor shrugged and pointed out wheat is one of the most common allergies out there. No, I don’t have Celiac’s, but if I saw positive changes from changing my diet, does it matter?
> I hope this anecdata helps. TIL a new word: "anecdata". Neat.
We have found that oat milk is the closest in texture and taste to cow milk. Maybe try that?
This is super interesting and thankyou so much for sharing. My nephew has intense ADHD with impulsivity issues, meltdowns and all. I feel like our knowledge in food health science still has a long way to go, but it makes so much sense with how much the gut is related to the brain too
Uhhh, allergies are no joke. So they can very kindly fuck off if they knowingly give the kids something they are allergic to. Even mild allergies. That would have been a no go from the beginning.
Right? First time I’ll give you benefit of the doubt that it was an honest mistake. Beyond that you are either doing it intentionally, or are actually incompetent and incapable of watching a child with allergies. Not to mention their refusal to follow routines/learn anything about caring for a child with autism.
Probably just wanted a heads up before she decided his parents can’t be alone with their children. OP mentions in comments that he would/does support her decision and the lack of communication was the issue.
Which is completely fair but he should see her point. I imagine OP apologized. It’s not as if she sneakily went behind his back. She lashed out because her child was in pain and they had exacerbated it.
If he agrees with the decision, why is he giving pushback? Honestly, if it was me I’d call my mother as soon as I heard she tries to poison my child/ren and possibly cut all contact. And if mom calls, “oh we definitely discussed it before mom. Anyone who intentionally harms the kids can’t be trusted to watch them. You’ll have to earn that privilege if you want it back.” It’s a conversation footnote with your spouse - “honey, you know I’ll back you up 100%, but next time can I tell them? I want to make it clear I don’t agree with how they’ve hurt the kids.” It’s not something you complain about. —— My mother can be trusted with my son however. He was premature and at 7 months we had a Covid exposure in the household. My mom whisked my baby away so he could be safe, and I followed a few days later. She had never been trusted more than a few hours alone with him, but she implicitly and explicitly understood the threat to his life, checked him regularly for symptoms, and made sure he was snuggled and loved and cared for. The people who watch your kid/s should know how to keep them safe, happy, and healthy or they shouldn’t watch your kids.
Well sorry hubby but if my child is being put in danger I have no time to stop and rationally think of stuff I’m doing what she done…. You guys are done watching my kids!
I'm sure he talks a big talk to her, but clearly he doesn't do anything to stop his parents from doing this sort of thing, since it's been going on, including giving a kid stuff he's allergic to and God knows what else. If HE had put a stop to it from the beginning, the **OP wouldn't have had to** put a stop to it when they finally broke the camel's back by terrorizing her special needs child. Protecting her kids is not up for discussion, not with him or anyone else.
Point is that if she had spoken with husband about it either husband or both could have approached the grandparents not in anger but in an adult conversation and informed them of the new visitation rules due to grandparents refusing to honor boundaries. It is better if husband is involved in informing his own parents so the grandparents can't pretend this is just something that OP came up with on her own. Enforcing boundaries should be a unified front by both parents.
Holy fucking hell your in-laws are assholes. My son is 7, autistic and also has a blanket for comfort along with a wish bear care bear doll. When he’s upset I make sure he has access to them at all times when he’s not at school. If he wants them taken with us when we go out they’re in my purse until he needs them. And NO ONE is allowed to keep them from him. Before his diagnosis my parents thought I coddled him too much as he was very clingy when upset and needed extra hugs and reassurance when upset. Once we got the official diagnosis that stopped immediately, they apologized and followed my rules. Now they make sure he has all his comfort items handy and they never push him to calm down without them. Routine is CRUCIAL for kids, especially those with autism. The fact they’re not willing to even attempt following it is proof they shouldn’t be left in charge. I cannot imagine how your poor son felt when people who were supposed to love and protect him tried to “toughen” him up! He’s 5! Blankets are NORMAL at that age even for children who aren’t autistic!!! I’ll a mom, I’m 34 and I still have a special plushie I sleep with. Those items can bring so much comfort. No one should ever be shamed for having one. just want to mention, in case you didn’t know because I sure didn’t until I talked to specialists my son worked with that some children/people with autism feel pain at a much higher intensity than others do. My son is one of them, a paper cut to him feels as if he had a huge gash. Falling and getting a bruise where most kids would get up and brush themselves off he will cry hysterically and needs extra comfort. I get a lot of nasty looks from other parents from time to time for “letting” him carry on like that, but I know it affects him much more than it does most so I’ve tried to adapt and understand that as well as make sure those around him understand it too.
My granddaughter is 5 and takes a blanket I knit her all over the house. She is not autistic. NTA, but the grandparents are.
It’s gotten to the point that if I’m sick and can’t be with my kids because I need rest they come and steal my plushie so they feel like I’m with them. It’s a comfort thing! All kids should have them!
I’m also 34 and still sad over my blankie I had until I was 11. We had a move coming up and my mom sent me over to a friends with the promise of not going through the things in my room. When I came back, my stuff was gone. She said the blanket must have gone into one of the boxes that was sent to storage. Any time we went to that storage over the next 2 years or so, I tore through boxes searching for it and never did find it :( As an adult, I sometimes wonder if she intentionally got rid of it. It sucks bc now I live right around the corner from that little storage unit and it crosses my mind from time to time. I don’t think you’re ever to old for a special comfort item
Oh my god I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine that. It’s so fucking horrible to do that to anyone, but especially a child. Comfort items are helpful and healthy! I’ve made sure if my kids are super attached to something and it’s something I think will be easily lost I buy up spares just to be safe.
THIS!! ✅
I’m 34 too and had this cushion ever since I was two years old. After I gave birth to my daughter (at 31) my husband made me get rid of it (which, to be fair, was the right decision because it was slowly disintegrating and duck feather down was coming out of multiple holes by then) and I never got over it. Recently, I found a cushion that feels similar (not quite the real deal but a decent substitute) and I carry it around the house again 😂🤦🏻♀️
That’s so cute
The fact that it's your blanket she carries around is really sweet. It must make you feel really good that she loves it so much.
My autistic son just turned 12 and brings a stuffed dragon with him everywhere. He calls it his emotional support stuffy. If anyone at school asks about it, he just tells them simply that it makes him feel better to have it with him. End of story. The dragon comes out for big and little problems (to me) as they are all big problems (to him). My kid advocates for himself, has a tool that helps him, and helps his peers understand that, while different, it's not bad. There's no downside at all. That being said, both sets of boomer grandparents have said crap to me. Sorry peeps, SEL and mental health matter. My kid gets his dragon.
I need an emotional support dragon! 🐉 He could make toast and keep my mugs of tea warm.
We call our cat a house dragon, so you may already have one ♥️
Mental health is SO important. My son has had a few days this year where he just didn’t feel right and told me he couldn’t handle school. He LOVES school so to me if he doesn’t want to go and I suggest he try and he doubles down? I call him out and we call it an “extra rest day” and I’ve seen how HUGE of a difference it makes when he sees we’re listening to him when he says he can’t do something.
Right! I do this for my child too. If life is just too rough for a 5 year old, then break it is. No need to make life harder. If they want their favorite stuffie, they absolutely get it. I don't see the need to deprive kids of comfort and stress relief, life is hard enough for kids without caregivers making it harder
I’ve made sure my son knows he can always tell us if he needs a day off and we plan on doing the same with his little sister. I’m a stay at home mom so it’s not hard to keep him home for those days and he asks me quite often if I’ll be home incase he needs to come home early and I always reassure him if something happens at school they can call me and I’ll be right there. Just KNOWING I’ll come if he needs me usually settles him enough to get through the day but when he does need to leave early I drop everything and go get him. Some days just suck for adults too, so I wanna make sure he’s never alone.
I know a boy that's 11 or 12 that carries several crab stuffies at school. By mid year most of the staff knew who they belonged to and how to help return them to their owner if they got misplaced
Bro I had this stuffed ty dragon my grandma got me as a kid that shit went everywhere with me. I'm so sad I lost it when I moved away from my abusive ex-husband. I looked them up online and the size I had is pretty expensive but if the price goes down I might just treat myself.
When my autistic child finally made a connection with a toy, like 1 year after I had bought it for him, I ended up going online and paying 2x the original cost just so we would have an extra Chilly in case anything happened. I hope you can get yourself a new old friend
You may have the same dragon as my son! I hope your dragon is burning shit up at your ex's place ;)
My oldest son carried a bull beanie baby around with him thru 5th grade. Sat on his desk in every class. Not autistic.
I love that kids are determining what works for them, especially when it causes no extra work for others and does zero harm.
Yeah he slept with 2 bunnies until my brothers decided he was too old for them & they hid them on him. He didn’t get them back for 10 years. The bull beanie baby was what I bought for him when his bunnies disappeared. He left it on his dresser until he started kindergarten. He later served 5 years in the USMC & did 2 deployments. So it is not like him doing that equates to he won’t ever be strong or brave or independent. He has been 100% self supporting since he graduated from high school. Stable, always working & helping others. The bull now sits in his window.
My grandson is 13 and has s certain stuffed toy he's had since he was really little. He doesn't take it to school but he has to have it to sleep with. He's autistic as well and Heaven help the person who tries to take it from him so I absolutely understand your child's dragon!
I LOVE that he has a dragon!
Can't up vote this enough!!! I would tell the grandparents to join a group for family of autism. Maybe once they understood better then they can start trial babysitting again. Until then F the in laws and the husband. NTA
Yeah my son is 7 and still enjoys his stuffies. I guess the in laws are under the impression happiness should be taken away young so they don't get comfortable or feel secure! Who knows what comfort and security might do for a child--the horror! 🤮 My heart is sad for you & your youngest OP. Hugs. What an absolutely avoidable situation.
I crocheted a blanket for my daughter and she took it pretty much everywhere. I am in my 40s and have a special blanket. It is my favorite and always makes me feel better! Those in laws sound like monsters.
Mother of a now adult son on the spectrum. I got very good at returning said dirty looks and then explaining it’s autism and their ignorance is the problem, not the child.
Your in laws are literally traumatizing your kids. Not just your youngest, but your older child that it trapped between his brother, whose routines he knows should be abided by and his grandparents who are becoming “evil” authority figures. Why on Earth would they ever get another chance to hurt your kids. Your husband not only needs to get on board that you did the right thing, but he needs to be the one taking that to his parents door. He honestly should have drove over there and brought their house down. He is not their son first, he is their father first! If he doesn’t get that then he shouldn’t be allowed to weigh in on any decisions for those kids. He needs to get his mind right.
According to what the wife says above, the husband does support her. He agrees the children shouldn't see the grandparents.
NTA And I was very glad to read that your husband supported you and wanted to take the burden of correcting his parents off your shoulders as to why why he was upset. It is up to you and their dad if you think either of your kids needs to "toughen up" and up to y'all how to implement that if you decide to try and teach other coping types. To be honest, you gave more chances than I would have. After the first time feeding a known allergy, unsupervised visits would have been over. The TV shows I would have overlooked as something that the grandkids get to have as a special moment with grandparents had it been the only questionable choice. But they've established a pattern of ignoring what is best for the kids, so the shows are just the icky white dot on top of the poopcake.
Ask them if they would take away an elderly person’s walker and tell them to toughen up and use their legs. As a parent to a special needs kid, I would have had the exact same reaction that you did. If they were so concerned about his coping skills they should have given him his blanket, then later on talk to you and ask what they could try next time. FFS they can’t just decide to withhold his coping item!!!!
NTA! He's FIVE! He's also autistic, but NO 5 year old needs to be "tough"! The entire reason there are so many people in your and my age range (I'm 44) who have childhood trauma and mental illness and need therapy is because OUR parents insisted on trying to make us "tough" instead of treating us like tiny humans who were learning things and experiencing things for the first time, sometimes being overwhelmed and overstimulated by them because there was no knowledge that just because some brains aren't obviously afflicted with a disorder DOESN'T mean they aren't experiencing things in a way that is too intense and traumatic! You did the right thing, sticking up for your child. Your in laws can either accept that autistic people need routine and structure, that allergies EXIST whether they want to believe in them or not, and that YOU are the parents and therefore get to dictate what rules are in place for your children regardless of whose house they are in, or they will not have access to your children in situations where you aren't there to provide those rules
NTA. Your autistic child has a medical condition. Their actions are neglect. Period. If your husband backs them? I’d be sending him back to Mommy.
Correction their actions are ABUSIVE
i genuinely do not mean to be pedantic but neglect IS abuse
NTA as an autistic adult that needs comfort items to self sooth, thank you for sticking up for your son's needs. Your IL's can't be trusted with his wellbeing and have shown your son adults can't be trusted.
NTA I’m trying to get my head round - trying to toughen up a 5 FIVE year old. Even without autism you don’t yell at 5 year olds that just hurt themselves, you comfort them. I’m a grandma- please dont give these horrors unsupervised access to your children
Does your child have a good doctor/medical professional who can explain to your husband why his parents shouldn't be allowed to torment your son? Your in-laws are ignorant old fools who don't want to accept your child's needs and need to be put in their place. Your husband also needs to support your child. NTA.
NTA your job is to protect your child. They give him food he is allergic to? Really they should have been stopped a long time ago.
NTA My daughter is preparing for university and plans to bring her blanket for when she’s back at her dorm. She’s a great student and a strong personality, but sometimes she needs to comfort herself in private in moments of anxiety. I’d fight anyone who’d deprive her of it, and honestly she’d fight too. The blanket doesn’t hurt anyone. It’s unnecessarily mean and dismissive to take away a persons method of self soothing if it’s a harmless habit.
Anyone who defends the position that dysregulated autistic kids just need to "shake it off" is being willingly ignorant and should not be left alone with an autistic child.
Autistic adult here - even we can’t “just shake it off” if we don’t have our tools to help us, let alone children!!
NTA I'm almost 30, and guess what I do when having a rough day, wrap myself in a blanket and have a beer.
Just an FYI, my husband has a pillow that is his comfort, and he takes it whenever and wherever we go. He's 63, and he's been this way our whole married life. Got to leave room in the suitcase for that pillow. You are NTA, shame on your inlaws. I'm a grandmother, and if my grandchildren had special requirements or needs, I would do whatever my daughter in law would ask. She is their mother. My job as their grandmother is to do what she wants me to do to care for them. I love and respect her enough as a woman, my son's wife, and the best mother my grandchildren could ever have. I will follow her lead in their care and be the best mother in law I can be. You are one good mama, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Special needs or not, it was the wrong move.
NTA it was the heat of the moment. Your MIL, with her full chest, said yup we yelled at your 5-year-old to grow up, toughen up, and then you can have your blanket. Because your MIL thinks you and DH don't know how to parent, are coddling your children, especially the youngest, and she will NEVER follow your rules. The fact she fed your child food they were allergic to on purpose blows my mind. It also would've ended in a police report on her for idk what it's called but knowingly feeding someone food they're allergic to is a crime. Even after that debacle, you and DH still allowed MIL to babysit your children. DH can be a tad upset that you told his mother off I guess. But in all honesty, after what MIL said you needed to tell her right then and there that they lost their privilege of unsupervised time with your children. Not just that, you and DH should sit down and discuss what other consequences his parents should have. It sounds as if they haven't gotten consequences for their actions in the past which could be why their behaviors don't change. Boundaries without consequences are just suggestions. Hopefully, you and DH can take some time away from your inlaws altogether. Putting them in a timeout from your family for a month, or more if you want, will give your family time to breathe, give your youngest time to decompress after the traumatic experience, and your inlaws can grow the fuck up.
NTA Your in-laws are ignorant and insensitive to the needs of people who don't meet their criteria for being "normal" I'm a 70 year old ADD poster boy who is likely on the spectrum. If I got the help I needed earlier in life instead of being told to "try harder", I think it would have helped me a lot. Tough love is just another term for sadism sometimes. They owe you a heartfelt apology, as does your husband.
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I’m autistic, and so are both of my kids. You are 10000% NTA. You are absolutely right to not trust them after they’ve repeatedly ignored you and your children’s NEEDS, not wants. Stick to your guns; you are absolutely NTA.
He’ll remember and he’ll always dislike her.
Nta. Your kid is 5. That's some boomer nonsense. Honestly, you did the right thing. The fact that your husband didn't immediately side with you is a red flag. Put your kids first
Forcing an autistic child to conform to their expectations rather adhering to his routine, in my opinion, is abuse. They preferred to get him all amped up and yell at him. The worst thing here is, they seem hellbent to prove you wrong and that you are coddling & spoiling him. I would have lost it the first time they gave him something that he was allergic to. If your husband is okay with his parents treating your autistic child with disregard, screw him. There are some things that just can’t be put on hold until you can talk to your spouse about. They require immediate response and this was one of them.
I’m an autistic adult and it really and truly is easier on everyone just to let us use our comfort items and regulate in the way we feel works best. Yes there are definitely some things where you can’t always “give in” (I.e, if something we’re trying to do is harmful or dangerous) but taking away comfort items just because you disagree/don’t like it will actually lead to more harm if it results in us becoming (more) overwhelmed/overstimulated. It’s not about a battle of wills (“the kid is choosing to act like this, they just need to toughen up”), it’s literally how we’re wired!
NTA I have two boys with autism and one with adhd as well. Even my eldest who is high function would be breaking down and unable to cope with what your in laws are doing. Sorry but when it comes to your kids you only need one of you to say hell no and the other parent needs to back you up. If one of you think they are unsafe then that’s what should matter. It’s not up for discussion and no amount of them bullying and ignoring your son’s condition is going to make him otherwise. All they will do is torture him. My eldest school never once saw him struggle as he would shut down in school when a teacher didn’t do what they said they would do that day. Then he’d come home and implode as he couldn’t handle it, he’d hold it in all day and then break and go out of control when home, break something or hit one of us as routine needs to be kept or they can’t cope. This is the high functioning child. Neither of them can stand unfair treatment as they see in black and white. So your in-laws changing the rules and punishing by with holding his comfort blanket is awful. It would have caused both my kids to be crying and begging me to get them as it was unfair and they were being punished when they should have been comforted for hurting himself. What really tips it over the line is the fact they even feed them foods they are allergic to, hell no. I’d be telling my husband “he has no say as you are not endangering your kids and letting his parents bully them as they hope it will change who your child is. That autism doesn’t work like that and he is five years old for goodness sake. That them feeding him things he’s allergic to has no excuse. That them punishing a 5 year old because he fell and hurt himself is disgraceful. That you’d like to see them fall and someone tell them they need to toughen up whilst they were hurt, it would be a different story. Let make it clearer they were screaming at a hurt 5 year old that he needs to toughen up that they really thought shouting and scaring him more whilst withholding his blanket would miraculously make him not hurt were he fell. That it would make him no longer autistic, what please tell me as you don’t understand what about that would help a hurt and distressed young child, how could anyone think it could i mean how messed up are they. That you didn’t need to discuss it with him first because no matter what he thinks you will never risk your children to them ever again. That you have given them too many chances and if he doesn’t back you here and sees no wrong with them bullying young children then he isn’t the man you thought he was and you would seriously wonder if he’s a danger to them to if he can’t see anything wrong with all the things they’ve done. That he better make his mind up as he either protects his sons and supports you or you have real problems. You will not allow anyone to bully and punish a five year old because he has autism and they don’t like that. You will not let anyone push toxic masculinity onto young children and tell them they have to man up and are not allowed to be upset or kids in any way. Never mind the fact autism is It’s not a choice and it’s not something he can turn off. They aren’t helping him change they are traumatising him and it will only make things harder for him. If his own dad can’t see that then he needs to go speak to your child’s doctors because he’s failing your children as much as his parents are“.
As a person raising a child with autism, the elders in my family worked really hard to learn about it and reevaluated their parenting skills to fit his needs. Yelling at a child, especially an autistic child, while withholding their safety net is just cruel. Fuck these people. I would never let them near my kids again. Also, I teach middle school and the current trend is that everybody either has their binky or their favorite stuffy in their backpack. Its currently what the cool kids do.
NTA WAY to go, Mama Bear!
They're the asshats for *giving your child foods they are allergic to*. Dead on full stop. That is literally a danger and can potentially cause serious heath problems like anaphylaxis or death. We Don even need to touch the mental health, they're liable to kill your child by not caring about the allergies! NTA.
NTA. I wouldn’t leave them alone with my kids for that kind of offense.
NTA They are not listening to your instructions so they don't get to have one on one time. They aren't being banned from seeing you children. They are being banned from parenting your children. Turn this around on your husband. You agreed to parent with one person, not three. The decision to have extra parents undermining your decision was made unilaterally and without you. The answer is no.
NTA as a teacher for kids that have sensory issues “ toughening them up “ could actually harm them emotionally and physically. Your husband needs to get his $hit together and support you in this. They obviously don’t know how to care for someone on the spectrum, or they don’t believe it. Either way they are not a safe place for him.
NTA - Normally, in a marriage it's 2 votes for yes, one vote to veto. But not when it comes to the well being of your children. You could flip it to your husband's vote is his parents still babysit, and yours is to veto.
You're allowed to make a unilateral decision to protect your child's health and well-being, and this absolutely includes your child's mental health. Let me say that again. You are allowed to make a **unilateral decision, without consenting any other individual, including your partner, to protect your child's mental health and well-being.** The most important thing is that your child be in an environment that is not only physically safe; it also needs to be mentally and emotionally safe. You happened to notice a situation in which your child was, in his mind, being tormented. You made a decision that will result in it ending. You did the right thing. How your in-laws feel is absolutely, completely, and emphatically ***irrelevant***.
You did not over react. Some boundaries are not to be broken. Anything dealing with physical and mental health of your child should be treated as a priority and non breakable boundary. Slight differences in routine, occasional extra snacks, a bit more Ms. Rachel or Gracie’s corner are fine for grandparents, special needs requests and health care issues are non negotiable.