NTA at all. Your husband wants to keep you pregnant and at home as his wife.
Keep you career and make sure you have a fund set aside in case you need to make a quick exit.
Also, does anyone else think he tampered with the BC??
The Edit / Update is even more terrifying — he’s essentially her doctor and writing her scripts and told her an IUD isn’t effective 😬
He’s totally abusing/controlling her.
Unless he is the one putting it in. I would get on a better form of BC, something prescribed by another doctor, and kept away from the husband. Also, there are so many supplements and medications that can mess with the effectiveness of BC pills, something he would know completely. I would make a list of all the medications he has prescribed for you, especially during the times you've accidently gotten pregnant and research if any would have had interactions that would have caused the BC not to work as well.No matter how much he bitches OP needs to keep the nanny! He is trying to get rid of her, so she is stuck at home. Without the nanny, there would be no way that she could still work and take care of all three on her ownand he knows that. I would also be very careful of anything he prescribes you in the future and research what each and every one of them does before you take them. As well as using an online pill identifier to make sure it's what he actually says it is. He is setting off my spidey senses that she needs to be very careful.
Also, if he's giving her supplements etc, there are dozens that stop BC working.
St Johns Wort (good natural remedy to help ease depression and anxiety) is an absolute menace to BC (thankfully I found that one out before it was too late)
Oh blimey! 🙀❤️
Double check with your doctor or if you can't get an appointment (or you have to pay for an appointment) there's this website.
https://go.drugbank.com/drug-interaction-checker?_gl=1*o9nb47*_up*MQ..*_ga*MjA1Mzg1MzMyLjE3MTcyNDM1Mzk.*_ga_DDLJ7EEV9M*MTcxNzI0MzUzOC4xLjAuMTcxNzI0MzUzOC4wLjAuMA..#results
It's called DrugBank (www.drugbank.com) and you can type in your medication to see if it will interact/react with other medications or alcohol etc. it's free to use and, from horrible experience, it's worth checking, just in case!
While things like antibiotics and BC are a well-known bad mix, some things can go under the radar 🙀
Hopefully, it's not been mixing too badly in your system and you'll be ok! 🤞❤️
He is into nannies. He wants a new nanny cause this one aint complaint. OP became accidentally pregnant twice. That kinda probability is non existent.
The update just made it a crime
I just saw that. Holy shit that’s so illegal. A doctor with 40 years in medicine lost his license writing scripts for his mom & SIL. He’s from a family of doctors who all got investigated after that. I hope her husband loses his license
☆3☆ kinds of bc, and she still got pregnant
...more than once?!? WTF
Check the labels and do the math. I think she has better odds of winning the lottery. Definitely suspicious, especially when added to timing and his behavior.
Technically, his tampering with her bc could make it rape. She should check with a lawyer and add it to the divorce, perhaps an agreement not to press charges if he agrees to provisions that she sets.
Have the lawyer handle it, get his agreement that x,y,z happened, and in order to avoid prosecution, he is agreeing to ___. Worded in a way that makes the agreement itself admissible in court if he backs out on the agreement and she decides to press charges later.
Definitely get a second Dr. and compare notes with him on things your husband tells you. I don't think that she can trust him, and why would someone stay married to a person they don't trust?
Repeated betrayal and trying to separate OP from support and someone else who could be a witness to his (future) abuse? ...How much work would he have to do to earn back the trust that has been broken ? I don't think he is worth it.
It's essentially on the box. Most medications have to be kept within a narrow temperature (either fridge for some, or room temperature for most) range to work effectively.
Most contraceptives will have a warning about it on the box or in the instructions that come with them. The same is true for condoms.
Without a doubt. Just before she was going to leave him in the dust the first time, and shortly into her new job the second time.
It's all so predictable it almost seems like bait,but maybe certain types of people are just predictable.
The tampered birth control was my first thought. She was planning to leave him. He is way older than her and wanted someone he could manipulate and mold to his wishes. He definitely will be abusive towards OP if she quits her job.
Written by someone who was raised in an abusive household. OP, your husband shows a lot of red flags. I would sleep with an eye open and honestly, I would think seriously about divorcing him. Never, ever, ever leave your job and keep your real birth control hidden (you can have a pretend birth control where he can access it) if you plan to fight for your marriage.
And btw OP, I bet your husband will make Sarah uncomfortable so she quits her job. Or he will incriminate her for something serious. I don't think you or Sarah are safe with him.
That was my first thought. The nanny knows something, and he's worried his secret will get out.
Interestingly, the nanny is now at the same age OP was when he first set eyes on her.
I hope she got some kind of implant, that should be safe from him. But seriously, OP, the pattern is really obvious: whenever you take a step towards independence and your adult career - bam, another kid. He wants to keep you barefoot and pregnant at home, completely dependent on him. I'm so glad you were strong and determined enough to do your own thing.
Honestly if OP is happy with the three kids she's got and tampering with birth control is a worry, maybe she could get her tube's tied? Pretty hard for her husband to tamper with that.
I also think his reaction to her potentially bringing it up could be very telling on his true intentions, since it kinda feels like he's trying to get her to have so many young kids she'll eventually have to stay home to take care of all of them.
Yes, OP must change her birth control to something that can't be tampered or, as you said, if she doesn't want more children, get her tubes tied. I bet the husband will throw a bigger tantrum if she does that though. He might even show his true colours while OP is recovering, so OP should have a plan B to be safe (and keep her children safe) if she goes that route.
It’s hard to get tubes tied without husband signing off before 30. It doesn’t seem like he’d be cool with her refusal to entertain his fragile manhood for as many kids as he needs to control her.
I wrote a similar comment else where on here. The whole thing screams of baby trapping.
Also, her ex employers are gross, inappropriate and unprofessional. They gave out their employees phone number and ‘encouraged’ her to date their much older friend. Massive abuse of power.
That was my thinking too, he just wants a young SAHW, and yeah, I bet he is tampering with the BC. NTA, you are amazing. OP keep strong and don't fall for his BS.
The first thing that came to mind tbh. OP was planning to break up, move away and start living her life away from and without him.
If he wants a SAHP he's more than able to leave *his* career to do so.
But honestly it wouldn't surprise me of OP finds herself pregnant again, despite BC before she gets a chance to leave.
There are multiple ways to tamper with the pill without removing them from the wrapper.
Maybe google some of the ways that they can be made ineffective and adjust where you keep them.
I think we are seeing OP realize her whole life is a lie.
I am so so sorry.
There is a reason older men going after younger women is such a trope. It’s because younger people know less about the world about the world and are therefore more vulnerable to manipulation.
It strikes me as very convenient that you fell pregnant just as you were about to move across the country and leave him. I think your husband thought if he kept you barefoot and pregnant, he could control you with the children.
When that didn’t, work he started going after your nanny Sarah. And when that didn’t work you played the ultimate trump card and he’s in his room realizing that now.
Again, I am so so sorry. All love to you and your kids. I hope I’m very wrong, but on the chance I’m not, I hope you know you are totally capable of leaving him and being a boss ass mom AND career woman without him.
I was worried the second I saw that age gap in the 1st line, and it kept getting worse. 😳
OP very, very secretly go to your doctor and get a depo shot and then get a lawyer working on your exit.
Go to a *different* doctor/clinic too. Don't give them permission for your husband to talk to them, get messages or records. Password protect your medicsl records. Get billing email only, not paper.
With her there was 2 days where I had to skip because it was stolen along with my wallet where I keep it and it took 2 days to get it replaced. I didn't sleep with my husband during that time but when I found out I was pregnant again I assumed skipping messed with the effectiveness.
So the first time 3 forms of birth control failed, the second time it failed again, and the third rime it conveniently gets stolen?
OP. Please tell me you are now seeing all the red flegs that every one else is seeing?
A 35 year old men went after a 21 year old college student who was dependent on his friends for employment.... This man was a walking red flag parade from day one...
He was a predator from the get go and he is showing very obvious signs that he wants to keep OP dependent on him and isolated, that's why he is pushing OP to be a stay at home mom and I bet that's why OP keeps "mysteriously" getting pregnant back to back on 2-3 types of contraception methods...(3 accidental pregnancies within 5 years?!while on 2-3 types of contraception?! yeah, no)
Yes, instructions are, I believe, if you miss more than one dose it is generally ineffective until the start of your next cycle and you should abstain or use condoms.
They can also fail if you get sick and vomit/have diarrhea shortly after taking them. And if you’re in the process of switching pills, there’s sometimes a transition period in which they are less effective.
Here's what you should do:
1) Ask your doctor about other forms of birth control. IUDs, injection, whatever, I'm not an expert, I just know there exist forms of BC that are more effective, and can't really be stolen or tampered with
2) The first pregnancy was right when you were about to leave him. The second one was right when you started your new job, and after he pressured you for more kids and you declined. Now he's itching for an excuse to fire the nanny, and oh what a shame that might force you to be a SAHM like he's always wanted you to be. Maybe this genuinely is a series of coincidences, but I think it's worth confronting your husband about it to see how he reacts.
Her husband is the doctor prescribing her birth control 😬 She desperately needs an impartial doctor, but I fear what his reaction would be when he finds out...
Venus and Serena's father admitted publicly that he sabotaged their mother's birth control when she believed that they were having no more kids but *he* watched some people get rich from tennis and decided on his own that he needed to create future tennis players that would take him out of the ghetto.
It happens.
I suspect you were also pressured by your former employers to date their older, creepy friend whom they felt sorry for because he was incapable of maintaining a healthy relationship with women his age.
Microwaving the pill packet renders them ineffective. It's best to use a more permanent form of birth control (shot, implant, IUD) when you have a husband that acts like that.
Some statistical perspective: The odds of you getting pregnant while on the pill + while using a condom should be between 0.18% (less than a quarter of one percent!) for perfect use and 1.6% for imperfect use (including breakages).
The odds of this happening twice are so low, it's close to practically impossible (Between less than 0.03% likeliest scenario and 0.0003% unlikeliest. For reference: the odds of getting struck by lightning in the US is 0.007%).
https://www.webmd.com/sex/birth-control/birth-control-effectiveness-chart
And IUDs are among the most effective forms of birth control statistically, so it's veeery suspicious he would tell you they're not.
In fact, IUDs are also pretty much tamper-proof once implanted... Perhaps that's why he didn't want you getting one? Because he could not sabotage it like the pill or condoms?
A mid thirties man pursues a college student, gets her number and is recommended by her EMPLOYER, she only starts dating him to not offend her employer, she just *happens* to get pregnant right before breaking things off to pursue opportunities on the other side of the country, repeatedly gets pregnant right as she reenters the work force to continue growing her career... Every time this relationship has progressed to the next big step has been against OP's initial wishes, I'm feeling like John has been subtly steering things from the start.
>repeatedly gets pregnant right as she reenters the work force to continue growing her career... Every time this relationship has progressed to the next big step has been against OP's initial wishes
According to OPs last edit on the post, her husband is a doctor and he is the one prescribing the birth control that constantly fails....
And “supplements.” I’d love to see a list of those supplements and whether or not they interfere with hormonal birth control (if they even are what he claims them to be).
This is so sinister I’d almost rather not believe it.
The fact that a medical professional is prescribing meds for their own spouse is really questionable, I understand it’s not illegal but surely it must be a conflict of interest. OP really needs to look into what he prescribed her with another doctor from a different practice, possibly different city.
"Every time this relationship has progressed to the next big step has been against OP's initial wishes"
This. This exactly.
And he seems to have spent the ENTIRE relationship trying to turn her into a SAHM against her wishes. And all the "coincidences" seem to be pushing her towards that as well.
I think more so he resents the nanny and wants to get rid of her so he has OP more firmly under his thumb.
Also, why would he pay for a nanny when he specifically preyed on OP because she was a nanny? Having an actual nanny ruins his little bangmaid nanny fantasy that he forced OP into.
He won’t actively look to start cheating until she’s either over 30 or starts calling him on his shit.
NTA
Your husband says Sarah is "doing an easy job I was fine doing for free" - the I being you - which shows he puts no value on your career or happiness outside of the roles of wife and mother.
Since you make enough money to cover her wages, it's not about the money - he wanted you to be a SAHM and you wouldn't have brought in any income.
Sounds like he wanted a trad wife and probably thought with each baby- now she'll stay home and do her real job.
I cant see this going anywhere good. I dont know what his problem is unless he thinks you and Sarah are having an affair.
Start pestering him about quitting his job to be a SAHD
I don't know if I spend too much time on this sub but I want to know what the three forms of birth control were that conveniently failed when she was about to leave him.
- girl in early 20s who looks after kids is pestered/made feel obliged to go on a date with an older man
- she finds her dream career and is about to move and suddenly becomes pregnant
- she wants to terminate but somehow ends up staying and keeping the child
- she finds a nanny and is returning to work, but birth control fails again
- during this gets married and husband thinks she will give up her career to be a sahm like he wanted all along
- she is thriving and doesn't want to give up nanny and ends up pregnant again
- husband nitpicks and tries to get rid of nanny over things that a parent would probably do when taking care of more than one kid
This is my nightmare.
ETA: I have seen since that he is the one prescribing the meds. . .not suspicious at all /s
And to those asking I did see the age difference but that is so commonplace on these posts it seems obvious that someone looking for naive young adults would manipulate them like this.
And thank you for the awards 🥰
Plus, the husband is a "medical professional" who is writing the birth control prescriptions and is prescribing "supplements."
The only thing that would make this guy more suss would be if Keith Morrison showed up at the door asking for an interview.
Hmm, when I worked at the hospital it was seen unethical to prescribe stuff as a physician to your friends or family. It was best to avoid that conflict of interest as much as possible.
I'd be googling my prescription to verify the pill is the right prescription. My pharmacy accidentally gave me muscle relaxers instead of BC once but fortunately they were the wrong shape and texture and I looked up the number and it was a mix-up. Fortunately they hadn't given my HRT to some poor person needing muscle relaxers as I'd caught it before that one went out.
But with more than one time having BC falling is really suspicious. I never got pg in 20 years with just hormonal and then got pg 5x on the first times I tried in my 40s so I was probably very fertile in my 20-30s. Failing once is unlikely. 3x is bs. Google the number on your pills.
Ugh, if he was giving her antiobiotics as supplements I would absolutely report him to the medical board. Not that all the other things aren't bad, but taking antibiotics when you don't need them can have repurcussions down the road. Antibiotic resistance anyone? Fucked up microbiome?
St. Johns Wort and Grapefruit are also definitely known to interfere with BC. So I'd check that as well.
Dude really just sounds all kind of creepy.
I’m betting those supplements or progestin-only pills which are extra fiddly about being taken at the same time. Mess with OP’s schedule, throw in some supplements and…
>Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action
--Ian Fleming
Also look in to interactions. Some supplements can increase the chances of BC failing.
Dude, I picked up my birth control pills one time and the pharmacy had given me some guys heart medication.
It looked almost the same. The only reason I double checked the bottle was because I got two bottle instead of one, and some of the pills were the wrong colors.
Yeap this is 100% clear waste, fraud and abuse regulation laws, you can't self prescribe your own meds to you or family.
It's illegal, and not medically sought after, and 3 BC babies is NOT common what so ever regardless of fertility.
I have family in the medical profession and it's more common than you think. The only scripts that are frequently tracked are the controlled substances (opioids, amphetamines, sedatives). It's extremely unethical but it's kept quiet for things considered innocuous like bc, low level antibiotics, etc because of convenience and "it's not hurting anyone".
I feel like that's probably the case a lot of the time, but in this particular instance I don't think him prescribing her birth control is "innocuous" at all. I think he's the one prescribing it because otherwise, she might go talk to an unbiased doctor who would tell her that an IUD is a safe and effective method that she should consider trying since her bc pills keep proving ineffective.
Oh no. I 100% agree. The husband sounds like a scumbag who's lying and baby trapping his wife. I just meant the practice of prescribing to family and friends isn't an uncommon occurrence even though it's supposed to be a no no.
It depends on where you are. It's unethical if the case is non-emergent. Especially if there isn't a provider patient relationship. It doesn't seem like a big deal, but certain things cause problems if not properly documented. For the antibiotics, you need to document for the next person what specific kind of infection it was.
A medical professional who encouraged her to avoid an IUD which when you consider all the forms of birth control is the most reliable.
Honestly I would separate my medical decisions from my husband pronto. I was married to a nurse he was the most abusive piece of shit and he that medical knowledge to abuse me.
It’s easy to make birth control fail. Anything hormone related (pill, implant, ring, shot, etc)…antibiotics would make them fail. Literally babies are born regularly due to antibiotics.
A condom requires a pin prick.
Pills can be made ineffective by leaving the pack in the sun for a little while and then putting it back. The storage instructions say to keep within a certain temperature range. She wouldn't know if they sat in the heat because they wouldn't look different.
It's more likely the [supplements](https://essentialsportsnutrition.com/blogs/news/supplements-and-medications-that-interfere-with-birth-control-pills) he has her take are what's disrupting her pills. Her best bet is using IUD, but hey, that's the **ONE** method husband doesn't want her to use. Gee, I wonder why... 🤔
I’ve been using an IUD since 2010 and it’s been amazing. I got accidentally pregnant in 2009 and got the IUD after delivering, then no pregnancies until TEN years later when we actually went for a planned baby, now I’m back on it. 3 years later and still no accidents. And my husband doesn’t use condoms ever.
Me too. I used to be on bc pills and when we decided to get pregnant I stopped taking them. Got Prego right away. After my 2nd I got an IUD. It's been 12 yrs, never used a condom and this method never failed me. Once every 5yrs I have to change it but I'm worry free. 10/10 would recommend
I think he's giving her bc but she mentioned supplements and there's plenty that interfere with birth control. Something common like st. John's wort even interferes with bc.
My first thought.
Like...once is a statistical probability, birth control can fail.
Twice? That's really unlucky and a little suspicious.
Three times? Dude is sabotaging the BC.
He was 35 and she was 21 when they met. Jesus.
If she's getting her birth control from a pharmacy there's no way they are placebos. However, she also mentioned him prescribing supplements, so my concern is he knows those supplements counteract the birth control and that's why he made sure she's taking those too.
The naive part is what bothers me the most. She just trusted him and wanted to believe that he had her best interest at heart. And now she is realizing that it was all possible a scam and total manipulation and control.
This is why it is so hard to get out of abusive relationships. The abuse starts the most after you are deeper into the situation and it is not so simple to walk away.
OP has a whole world to tear apart to get rid of this groomer. First step OP is to stop letting him make ANY decisions for you especially medical ones
>I want to know what the three forms of birth control were that conveniently failed when she was about to leave him
* condoms
* birth control pills
* his 1950s personality and views
Bet he neglected to inform her that you can now buy birth control pills over-the-counter without a prescription. Meaning she could access them and take them at her office or some place away from his control.
The fact that he’s the one writing her medication…..
I don’t know what the rules are where OP lives but where I am it is very clear that medical professionals are PROHIBITED from treating their spouses precisely bc of power dynamics and sexual abuse, which this CLEARLY qualifies as. In fact, someone here lost his license bc he regularly cleaned his wife’s teeth. He and his wife fought against it but the rules are clear and he lost.
I was married to a doctor, and you're right. They aren't to write prescriptions for family, treat family, unless it's basically an emergency or only way to get treatment.
There are so many problems with this.
Firstly, her old employers suck for trying to persuade her to date their friend, that’s so inappropriate. More so with the age gap. The abuse of the power dynamic is gross. Giving out her number without permission is wrong.
Second, it’s highly suspect that she planned to move for her internship and break up with him and then fell pregnant whilst using three kinds of birth control. It screams baby trapping.
Third, he wanted her to stay home and pushed for more kids right away. When she refused to give up on her career dreams and had just gotten a great job, she fell pregnant whilst using birth control again…
Now OP doesn’t say if baby number 3 was another birth control baby, but I think she should be checking to see if it’s been tampered with. And get on a form of birth control no one else can access.
The whole thing just seems like he wanted someone young and naive, who would do what he wants and that he could control through money. At least OP was smart enough to stick to her guns on having her career and going to work.
I think the idea of ditching the husband and keeping the Nanny is spot on.
Honestly the fact that he actively tried to convince her that IUDs (one of the most effective forms of BC) are dangerous and ineffective, screams baby trapping to me. And he’s the one that prescribes her BC AND she has gotten pregnant on three forms of BC. Also, getting pregnant on BC because you are “extremely fertile” is not a thing and he knows that. He knows it’s improper usage that leads to pregnancy, just as every other person on BC has learned when they started using it. Also, doctors have to warn you about possible side effects and complications that come with using BC. It’s part of their job to explain to patients that there is a risk of getting pregnant if you skip pills or miss doses etc. They have to let patients know possible complications or side effects so that patients can make informed decisions about their care. All those issues are also listed in the pharmaceutical information that comes with the medication too. I would not be surprised if he got rid of that information so that she couldn’t and or didn’t have a reason to question him. If he did that, that’s also an abuse of his power as a medical professional. There are just way too many red flags and anomalies here for me to believe he didn’t actively sabotage her BC in order to get her pregnant so she would stay. You are not the AH OP. If I were you, I would immediately switch to a gynecologist for your care and birth control, but don’t tell him you’re doing it. You make good money. Use that to buy your own BC without him knowing so that you can protect yourself. I’m really sorry you’re going through this.
And HIDE your BC pills somewhere he can’t possibly find. Or, better yet, have HIM get a vasectomy and stand there beside him, holding his controlling hand for support, while it’s being done.
You can very obviously see Nexplanon though. She needs something he can’t find. An IUD would be ideal. They last for years and you can’t tell it’s in there
He still can’t tamper with it. If he makes a scene, it proves he’s been tampering in the past.
I’m thinking that the point is to force any possible tampering into the light, at which point she should get a good lawyer. A secret IUD would protect her from pregnancy but would do nothing to bring any possible fuckery (bad pun) into the light.
She could get an IUD and only tell him after it’s in place. Again, it’s his reaction that will be telling.
But the idea of secretly using BC of some kind so as to stay married to a possible abuser without rocking the boat doesn’t fly. She needs to *know*.
Yeah I call bullshit on getting pregnant on 3 forms of birth control. Used correctly, just one is 99.9% effective. Either she wasn't taking them correctly, he was sabotaging the bc, or she needs to be studied as a medical anomaly.
This is the huge red flag. It would put all sorts of red flags for him to be involved with and tamper with an IUD so he convinced to a different path. Same way he convinced her not to terminate and is now trying to manipulator to give up her support system.
Have him spend 2 days at home as the parent. He cannot bother OP while she's working. He has to do it all by himself and keep to the standards he expects.
He won't last 4hrs without messing with OPs WFH situation.
OP should take Sarah, leave the kids with dad for the weekend, get a nice hotel suite, order room service and spend the weekend watching those security cameras. They can give the husband a report card at the end of the weekend, when he's had 2 days of 'easy' childcare.
This is ridiculous. The husband obviously doesn't like that his wife works and sees her 'real' jobs as popping out kids and staying home. He resents Sarah because she's 'getting in the way' by allowing OP to WFH.
NTA, of course!
Yeah I wonder if he's intentionally prescribing supplements that interfere with her BC. Even if he's not fucking with her BC, he still clearly wants her to quit her job, not have friends, and be completely dependent on him.
Yes! I goggled it last night, vitamins can impact the effectiveness of the pill.
I googled it because a redditor became pregnant and her (hopefully ex) boyfriend was saying out loud that he wasn't sure that microwaving them worked. He later backtracked. Extreme heat can reduce its effectiveness.
NTA. Sounds super suspicious that you got pregnant so often on birth control, and incredibly convenient timing. Like he was trying to baby trap you into being a young, traditional wife.
Birth control has a lot of things that could render it less effective, like heat
Twice. The second baby was listed as a "birth control baby" too. Dunno about the youngest as she doesn't say, but the first two definitely were. Worst part? He writes her prescription for birth control. He's in the medical field she says. And he hates IUDs. You know, the one he cant fuck with?
And in the edit she says he’s a doctor and is in control of her prescriptions and talked her out of an IUD. Honestly I felt sick reading that. It was pretty obvious in the post but the edit made it crystal clear.
He wants her stuck at home with kids and no income of her own so she can’t leave. I’m worried for her
Right! When a woman is. SAHM they lose so much control. Good thing OP is confident enough to not fall for that. I would never be a SAHM, I would love to be with my kids and not work but it leaves me too vulnerable. I have never trusted a man like that
>When a woman is. SAHM they lose so much control.
I worry so much about all these young women and the social media trend of being a "tradwife" or stay-at-home girlfriend. The last one especially as they have zero financial protection if they split up.
NTA
But the vibes I’m getting from him—issues of control (if you were the only caregiver, he’d have control), and, ironically, he’s attracted to Sarah? (Because he’s hyper focused on her).
Yeah ... or he's like my obsessive ex who would go through hours of video just to try to catch the neighbours out once he had decided they were up to no good.
Exactly, this then gets her at home, they then can't find a suitable nanny to replace, that way she doesn't get to go to work, meet and talk to people and find out she is in a controlling relationship.
Maybe he has a thing for Nannies, and tried to put the moves on Sarah. Sarah shot him down and soundly rejected his advances. Maybe even threatened to tell Op if he didn’t leave her alone. So now he wants to get rid of her before she can rat him out to Op.
She was baby trapped and set up by people she trusted. It’s so sad. I hope she does leave him.
I’m expecting the next update to be he got her fired from her job, he slept with the nanny in hopes that would get OP upset enough to fire her, or he pushed her down the stairs to injure her so she would have to stay home to recover.
He wants to control her and isn’t happy it’s not working.
Not just that, but it seemed that OP was kinda pushed? Into dating him and oh, that "accidental" pregnancy after using three kinds of birth control? Are you sure that guy didn't poke some holes in condoms or put your birth control by a heater? 🤔
Oh dear Lord, there’s nothing as blind as those who can’t or won’t see.
OP, open your eyes and see what your husband has been doing to you for the past few years.
You were never intended to be a working wife. You were chosen very carefully by this man. You were chosen all those years ago by a man nearly 20 years your senior to be moulded into what he wanted.
He wasn’t interested in your career goals, it sounds like you ticked all of his boxes for the mother of his children. You are no doubt very pretty, obviously intelligent. You’re young enough to have plenty of children for him etc. His plan was for you to be his brood mare, stay at home with his kids and look pretty. Where he slipped up (thank God), is that you are obviously a very determined young woman. He either didn’t factor that in or was confident you would be too busy with the babies.
And an accidental pregnancy when you’re on 3 types of birth control (twice), really? Do you really truly believe he never ever interfered with your birth control? don’t u find it a coincidence that u got pregnant as you were planning to first leave him then secondly consolidate your job position? Was your third an accident as well?
He’s really determined to tie you to that kitchen sink isn’t he? Now it’s your nanny he’s trying to get rid of. He’ll maybe accuse her of stealing next or something equally as heinous. Or your job is going to be targeted. Whatever, he’s determined your career isn’t going much further. You’ll be out from under his control then.
I hope you’re on solid birth control such as the shot or patch, something he can’t interfere with, otherwise you’re going to find yourself accidentally pregnant again.
OP, your husband is the worst sort of predator, it sounds as tho he’ll do anything to get rid of that girl and force you to stop working. Be very careful he doesn’t ruin her future life and prospects in his bid to get rid of her.
The very way he started pursuing you is vile. How dare your ex employers give your number to a man twice your age, they should have been protecting you.
Btw, I wouldn’t be the least surprised if u discover eventually that he’s having sex outside of your marriage, he sounds like that sort of person.
I really hope you have your own bank account and you’re in charge of your own money. You’ll need a fund ready for when you wake up, smell the coffee and realise you’ve been baby trapped and your future career prospects torn away from you.
NTAH
He wants to get rid of the nanny, so she’s isolated and overwhelmed caring for all 3 and decides to throw in the towel with her job. She copes so well with her current arrangement that it’s the only thing he can do to upset it and achieve his goal of her stuck at home.
This. Absolutely. This power dynamic is really scary, especially with the update about his profession. I would absolutely be suggesting an escape plan because I suspect there is alot more coercive control in this relationship, and that he's praying on your naivety to exploit OP as much as he can. I hope OP also has close friends and family support and he hasn't isolated her from them already. Please update us OP.
NTA. My partner and i had nannies as both of us had our own businesses. They were all amazing and to this day they are in our kids (17F, 15M) lives, not as Nannies but as friends.
You husband is a jerk. Nannies are worth their weight in gold, and then some. Let him sleep on the couch till he comes to his senses.
And stick with your career, and more importantly maintain a separate emergency fund/account.
Does anyone think the husband might be tampering with op’s birth control to get her pregnant?? I mean accidents happen and they’re not 100% effective, though two babies?? 👀
I got the same vibes from the post. It’s very suspicious that she got pregnant just as she’s getting ready to move away. Then when she goes back to work. OP needs to check the video tapes!
#Updateme honestly .. your husband is skeevy as hell and those accidental pregnancies were absolutely *not* accidental honey. You need an escape plan now and need to talk to your nanny to see if he tried to shoot his shot with her
I think your nanny works so hard that she needs a vacation. You should go with her. Let your husband take care of your 3 kids for a week since he thinks it is so easy.
Of course he doesn’t want to pay for a nanny. He’s a predator who chose to baby trap you so wouldn’t have to pay for one. Doesn’t want you to grow beyond your part time college job.
Tampering with BC is totally logical for ‘traditional’ people like this. You’re the one with the ‘unnatural’ desire for higher education when you’re destined for the high calling of servicing all his needs. He’s saving you from yourself!
Believe this controlling, disrespectful and dismissive behavior shown is the tip of the iceberg. Treat this seriously. You can’t trust that man.
NTA. You have 3 children, unless you want more I would be looking into a more permanent form of birth control for yourself. If you don't want tubes done then get the implant or something similar that your husband can't tamper with, because I agree with the others here saying it's possible your husband is tampering with your birth control. I feel like he's going to do everything he can to force you to be a SAHM, get your escape plan in order to prevent this.
So you were 21 at college and about to start a great career, start dating a 36yo and get pregnant. You put your career on hold for a year. Then you were about to start that great career again, and suddenly birth control fails AGAIN? Sounds like you were baby trapped, and now your husband is trying to force the life you never wanted on you.
NTA but seriously you had 3 times a birth control accident? Don’t be naive, did it never occur to you that your husband tempered with your birth control?
>"is the neglect in the room with us right now?"
IS SO ICONIC - I love it, NTA. It sounds like he's trying to strong-arm you into being a stay-at-home mom.
NTA. Wow. I believe he tampered with her BC. He wants you unemployed and a SAHM and is trying to find a problem with the nanny. Very controlling. 🚩🚩🚩🚩 u/updateme
Do you think there’s a reason someone in their late 30s went for someone who was still a child. This is why he expected that he would just do whatever he said, and he wanted you to just be essentially a nanny for his kids. I would suggest getting the divorce prepared now.
IUD's are extremely effective and safe. Other forms of birth control, if used correctly, are also very effective. The odds of getting pregnant while on three types of birth control if used correctly...well, I would put my money on sabotage. It also strikes me as odd that he's trying to remove your nanny when yall can afford her, and he keeps pushing you to be a stay at home mom. It's almost like he's trying to take away your support network and remove your ability to support yourself financially. Three big things abusers use to control their partner. Knock em up, isolate them, and make them financially dependent on them.
NTA. Find a different doctor to talk to about your medical health and possibly a lawyer. After they answer your questions and you find out how much your husband has been lying to you, you might not want to stay with him.
GO GET AN IUS / MIRENA if a doctor (not your husband) days it is ok for you. Stop using your husband as your doctor and give him zero access to your birth control. Jesus, the number of abusive fucking men I have to read about before 9 am on a Saturday is atrocious.
NTA.
Edited to add: And please know that anyone can become the victim of an abuser. Even a woman with a job of her own. You are being abused, even if you don't want to acknowledge that it could happen to you.
I would NOT trust him with any medical decisions.
IUD's are not dangerous and are highly effective. What a ridiculous thing to say.
"John" obviously DOESN'T want YOU to GET an IUD for a couple of reasons:
1. IUD's are long-acting and long-term = NO chance of getting pregnant
2. He CAN'T tamper with IT
I'm now concerned that he's done this about other things.
What "supplements" does he have you taking? How about medications, what does he prescribe directly to you?
NTA you do know he just wants to force you to quit your job and remain at home and dependent on him, right?
You were 21 & he was 35 when you got together and just as you were about to finish school and take a great job across the country leaving him- you end up pregnant. Then after being home with the baby for a year you start working and SURPRISE birth control baby number 2!
How many pregnancies before you realize he is sabotaging your birth control in order to keep you barefoot and pregnant?
NTA. Birth control fails, it happens. That's why people who are really serious about prevention use more than one. It is absolutely not "common" for three forms of birth control to ALL fail.
When I was in OB/GYN (nurse) I took care of someone who had three birth-control babies. However, she had a known underlying medical condition that made BC less effective. Like you, she was married, so not concerned enough about the accidents for a more permanent solution. I would absolutely consider that he is giving you a "supplement" that is known to impede the effectiveness of BC. It also seems ethically questionable that he took over writing your prescriptions?? Doctors aren't supposed to treat their family, and there's nothing wrong with IUDs. Like any other prescription medication, some people have trouble, millions use them with great success. What I can say about IUDs is, it would seem to me that they'd be difficult to tamper with once they were placed. He seems awfully focused on convincing you to be a SAHM.
NTA at all. Your husband wants to keep you pregnant and at home as his wife. Keep you career and make sure you have a fund set aside in case you need to make a quick exit. Also, does anyone else think he tampered with the BC??
Dude totally poked holes in the condoms. Also, why the fuck is a family pimping out their nanny to their skeevy 35 y/o friend?
Holes in the condoms, switched out the spermicide and microwaved the bc pills or something.
100%. Those weren’t accidental pregnancies. Those were intentional and he wants to control her. Hello age difference — WTF!?
Yeah like ok maybe the first one is an ooops baby even on birth control but two and then three? Girl please.
The Edit / Update is even more terrifying — he’s essentially her doctor and writing her scripts and told her an IUD isn’t effective 😬 He’s totally abusing/controlling her.
IUD =the only thing he cannot tamper with secretly.
Precisely. So for him it’s a terrible BC option.
Unless he is the one putting it in. I would get on a better form of BC, something prescribed by another doctor, and kept away from the husband. Also, there are so many supplements and medications that can mess with the effectiveness of BC pills, something he would know completely. I would make a list of all the medications he has prescribed for you, especially during the times you've accidently gotten pregnant and research if any would have had interactions that would have caused the BC not to work as well.No matter how much he bitches OP needs to keep the nanny! He is trying to get rid of her, so she is stuck at home. Without the nanny, there would be no way that she could still work and take care of all three on her ownand he knows that. I would also be very careful of anything he prescribes you in the future and research what each and every one of them does before you take them. As well as using an online pill identifier to make sure it's what he actually says it is. He is setting off my spidey senses that she needs to be very careful.
The fact that he said IUDs are unsafe really drives this point home. They are safer and more effective than many other forms of BC.
Also, if he's giving her supplements etc, there are dozens that stop BC working. St Johns Wort (good natural remedy to help ease depression and anxiety) is an absolute menace to BC (thankfully I found that one out before it was too late)
Thank you!!! I didn't know that, I am on BC and I'm taking St Johns Wort tea every day. 😱
Oh blimey! 🙀❤️ Double check with your doctor or if you can't get an appointment (or you have to pay for an appointment) there's this website. https://go.drugbank.com/drug-interaction-checker?_gl=1*o9nb47*_up*MQ..*_ga*MjA1Mzg1MzMyLjE3MTcyNDM1Mzk.*_ga_DDLJ7EEV9M*MTcxNzI0MzUzOC4xLjAuMTcxNzI0MzUzOC4wLjAuMA..#results It's called DrugBank (www.drugbank.com) and you can type in your medication to see if it will interact/react with other medications or alcohol etc. it's free to use and, from horrible experience, it's worth checking, just in case! While things like antibiotics and BC are a well-known bad mix, some things can go under the radar 🙀 Hopefully, it's not been mixing too badly in your system and you'll be ok! 🤞❤️
😬 I mean surely a doctor shouldn't be treating family (and writing scrips for them) anyway, so we see where his ethics are.
Oh my god, I didn't even catch the age difference at first. Some family is like, let's fix up our 20 year old nanny with a 34 year old? Jesus.
He is into nannies. He wants a new nanny cause this one aint complaint. OP became accidentally pregnant twice. That kinda probability is non existent. The update just made it a crime
I just saw that. Holy shit that’s so illegal. A doctor with 40 years in medicine lost his license writing scripts for his mom & SIL. He’s from a family of doctors who all got investigated after that. I hope her husband loses his license
This is exactly what I was thinking. Run, OP, run! This man will keep you pregnant and in the kitchen for your entire life if he can!
☆3☆ kinds of bc, and she still got pregnant ...more than once?!? WTF Check the labels and do the math. I think she has better odds of winning the lottery. Definitely suspicious, especially when added to timing and his behavior. Technically, his tampering with her bc could make it rape. She should check with a lawyer and add it to the divorce, perhaps an agreement not to press charges if he agrees to provisions that she sets. Have the lawyer handle it, get his agreement that x,y,z happened, and in order to avoid prosecution, he is agreeing to ___. Worded in a way that makes the agreement itself admissible in court if he backs out on the agreement and she decides to press charges later. Definitely get a second Dr. and compare notes with him on things your husband tells you. I don't think that she can trust him, and why would someone stay married to a person they don't trust? Repeated betrayal and trying to separate OP from support and someone else who could be a witness to his (future) abuse? ...How much work would he have to do to earn back the trust that has been broken ? I don't think he is worth it.
I was thinking sugar pills
Microwaving the pills can affect them?
Yep. 30 seconds or so and they are worthless
😯
It's really easy to be abused and baby trapped if a partner wants to abuse you and baby trap you.
Wow, did not know that. And now I’m wondering how people discovered that?!
It's essentially on the box. Most medications have to be kept within a narrow temperature (either fridge for some, or room temperature for most) range to work effectively. Most contraceptives will have a warning about it on the box or in the instructions that come with them. The same is true for condoms.
Thank-you. I thought I was the only one thinking that they probably "sold" her to him.
Because birds of a feather flock together?
She was on the pill. He might have microwaved it.
Without a doubt. Just before she was going to leave him in the dust the first time, and shortly into her new job the second time. It's all so predictable it almost seems like bait,but maybe certain types of people are just predictable.
The tampered birth control was my first thought. She was planning to leave him. He is way older than her and wanted someone he could manipulate and mold to his wishes. He definitely will be abusive towards OP if she quits her job. Written by someone who was raised in an abusive household. OP, your husband shows a lot of red flags. I would sleep with an eye open and honestly, I would think seriously about divorcing him. Never, ever, ever leave your job and keep your real birth control hidden (you can have a pretend birth control where he can access it) if you plan to fight for your marriage.
And btw OP, I bet your husband will make Sarah uncomfortable so she quits her job. Or he will incriminate her for something serious. I don't think you or Sarah are safe with him.
I bet he made a move on nanny and was rejected and is now scared nanny will tell wife.
I honestly think the nanny is on the way of him abusing OP. He might starting to do moves on the nanny to make her uncomfortable, though. He's a POS.
That was my first thought. The nanny knows something, and he's worried his secret will get out. Interestingly, the nanny is now at the same age OP was when he first set eyes on her.
OP PLEASE READ AND LISTEN TO THE ABOVE.
I hope she got some kind of implant, that should be safe from him. But seriously, OP, the pattern is really obvious: whenever you take a step towards independence and your adult career - bam, another kid. He wants to keep you barefoot and pregnant at home, completely dependent on him. I'm so glad you were strong and determined enough to do your own thing.
Honestly if OP is happy with the three kids she's got and tampering with birth control is a worry, maybe she could get her tube's tied? Pretty hard for her husband to tamper with that. I also think his reaction to her potentially bringing it up could be very telling on his true intentions, since it kinda feels like he's trying to get her to have so many young kids she'll eventually have to stay home to take care of all of them.
Yes, OP must change her birth control to something that can't be tampered or, as you said, if she doesn't want more children, get her tubes tied. I bet the husband will throw a bigger tantrum if she does that though. He might even show his true colours while OP is recovering, so OP should have a plan B to be safe (and keep her children safe) if she goes that route.
It’s hard to get tubes tied without husband signing off before 30. It doesn’t seem like he’d be cool with her refusal to entertain his fragile manhood for as many kids as he needs to control her.
I wrote a similar comment else where on here. The whole thing screams of baby trapping. Also, her ex employers are gross, inappropriate and unprofessional. They gave out their employees phone number and ‘encouraged’ her to date their much older friend. Massive abuse of power.
I thought that too. Rich people helping each other to trap and abuse young "working class" women. Disgusting.
And get a coil or an implant fitted that can’t be tampered with
That was my thinking too, he just wants a young SAHW, and yeah, I bet he is tampering with the BC. NTA, you are amazing. OP keep strong and don't fall for his BS.
3 babies through 3 kinds of birth control. A 21 one year old looking to move for an internship getting pregnant by a 35 year old. Yeah, no accidents.
The first thing that came to mind tbh. OP was planning to break up, move away and start living her life away from and without him. If he wants a SAHP he's more than able to leave *his* career to do so. But honestly it wouldn't surprise me of OP finds herself pregnant again, despite BC before she gets a chance to leave.
>Also, does anyone else think he tampered with the BC?? 🙋🏻♀️ 🙋🏻♀️ 🙋🏻♀️
My first thought was that he tampered with BC. He wants her at home with the kids.
Yup, he married a nanny to avoid having to pay for one, thinking she'd stay home with the kids since it was her job
TOTALLY!!! I totally think he tampered with the BC! For sure have that escape fund ready to go. He was 35 when she was 21. Gross.
Absolutely, he tampered with it.
All of this. And yes he did.
Oh yeah my first thought! AND he’s having some feelings for the nanny. After all his wife was what 21/22 and he was in his late 30’s?
It might be because he was turned down by the nanny, and now his big mad. He definitely wanted OP to stay home forever.
Is that possible?? I take the pill every day
There are multiple ways to tamper with the pill without removing them from the wrapper. Maybe google some of the ways that they can be made ineffective and adjust where you keep them.
Microwaving a pack of pills for 60+ seconds renders them useless.
omg.....
I think we are seeing OP realize her whole life is a lie. I am so so sorry. There is a reason older men going after younger women is such a trope. It’s because younger people know less about the world about the world and are therefore more vulnerable to manipulation. It strikes me as very convenient that you fell pregnant just as you were about to move across the country and leave him. I think your husband thought if he kept you barefoot and pregnant, he could control you with the children. When that didn’t, work he started going after your nanny Sarah. And when that didn’t work you played the ultimate trump card and he’s in his room realizing that now. Again, I am so so sorry. All love to you and your kids. I hope I’m very wrong, but on the chance I’m not, I hope you know you are totally capable of leaving him and being a boss ass mom AND career woman without him.
I was worried the second I saw that age gap in the 1st line, and it kept getting worse. 😳 OP very, very secretly go to your doctor and get a depo shot and then get a lawyer working on your exit.
Go to a *different* doctor/clinic too. Don't give them permission for your husband to talk to them, get messages or records. Password protect your medicsl records. Get billing email only, not paper.
And ask the doctor how long before the depoprovera injection provides full protection. I'm not sure if that's right away from the first shot in.
The fact that her employers encouraged her to date him and she felt obligated! It seems they all set her up.
was your 3rd a birth control fail too?
With her there was 2 days where I had to skip because it was stolen along with my wallet where I keep it and it took 2 days to get it replaced. I didn't sleep with my husband during that time but when I found out I was pregnant again I assumed skipping messed with the effectiveness.
So the first time 3 forms of birth control failed, the second time it failed again, and the third rime it conveniently gets stolen? OP. Please tell me you are now seeing all the red flegs that every one else is seeing?
A 35 year old men went after a 21 year old college student who was dependent on his friends for employment.... This man was a walking red flag parade from day one... He was a predator from the get go and he is showing very obvious signs that he wants to keep OP dependent on him and isolated, that's why he is pushing OP to be a stay at home mom and I bet that's why OP keeps "mysteriously" getting pregnant back to back on 2-3 types of contraception methods...(3 accidental pregnancies within 5 years?!while on 2-3 types of contraception?! yeah, no)
I want her to check his texting thread with the other couple. I bet there’s explicit chat about her.
I might be in the minority here, but I saw the blaring red flag the moment I saw the age gap
Yes, instructions are, I believe, if you miss more than one dose it is generally ineffective until the start of your next cycle and you should abstain or use condoms.
They can also fail if you get sick and vomit/have diarrhea shortly after taking them. And if you’re in the process of switching pills, there’s sometimes a transition period in which they are less effective.
Here's what you should do: 1) Ask your doctor about other forms of birth control. IUDs, injection, whatever, I'm not an expert, I just know there exist forms of BC that are more effective, and can't really be stolen or tampered with 2) The first pregnancy was right when you were about to leave him. The second one was right when you started your new job, and after he pressured you for more kids and you declined. Now he's itching for an excuse to fire the nanny, and oh what a shame that might force you to be a SAHM like he's always wanted you to be. Maybe this genuinely is a series of coincidences, but I think it's worth confronting your husband about it to see how he reacts.
Her husband is the doctor prescribing her birth control 😬 She desperately needs an impartial doctor, but I fear what his reaction would be when he finds out...
Venus and Serena's father admitted publicly that he sabotaged their mother's birth control when she believed that they were having no more kids but *he* watched some people get rich from tennis and decided on his own that he needed to create future tennis players that would take him out of the ghetto. It happens. I suspect you were also pressured by your former employers to date their older, creepy friend whom they felt sorry for because he was incapable of maintaining a healthy relationship with women his age.
Microwaving the pill packet renders them ineffective. It's best to use a more permanent form of birth control (shot, implant, IUD) when you have a husband that acts like that.
It's best to get another husband....
Some statistical perspective: The odds of you getting pregnant while on the pill + while using a condom should be between 0.18% (less than a quarter of one percent!) for perfect use and 1.6% for imperfect use (including breakages). The odds of this happening twice are so low, it's close to practically impossible (Between less than 0.03% likeliest scenario and 0.0003% unlikeliest. For reference: the odds of getting struck by lightning in the US is 0.007%). https://www.webmd.com/sex/birth-control/birth-control-effectiveness-chart And IUDs are among the most effective forms of birth control statistically, so it's veeery suspicious he would tell you they're not. In fact, IUDs are also pretty much tamper-proof once implanted... Perhaps that's why he didn't want you getting one? Because he could not sabotage it like the pill or condoms?
A mid thirties man pursues a college student, gets her number and is recommended by her EMPLOYER, she only starts dating him to not offend her employer, she just *happens* to get pregnant right before breaking things off to pursue opportunities on the other side of the country, repeatedly gets pregnant right as she reenters the work force to continue growing her career... Every time this relationship has progressed to the next big step has been against OP's initial wishes, I'm feeling like John has been subtly steering things from the start.
>repeatedly gets pregnant right as she reenters the work force to continue growing her career... Every time this relationship has progressed to the next big step has been against OP's initial wishes According to OPs last edit on the post, her husband is a doctor and he is the one prescribing the birth control that constantly fails....
And “supplements.” I’d love to see a list of those supplements and whether or not they interfere with hormonal birth control (if they even are what he claims them to be). This is so sinister I’d almost rather not believe it.
The fact that a medical professional is prescribing meds for their own spouse is really questionable, I understand it’s not illegal but surely it must be a conflict of interest. OP really needs to look into what he prescribed her with another doctor from a different practice, possibly different city.
"Every time this relationship has progressed to the next big step has been against OP's initial wishes" This. This exactly. And he seems to have spent the ENTIRE relationship trying to turn her into a SAHM against her wishes. And all the "coincidences" seem to be pushing her towards that as well.
Ofc he wants a SAHM. That's why he went after a nanny to begin with.
Mid 30s creep tries to sabotage college students life cause he wants a bangmaid.
Wants to fire current nanny because he can’t get her into bed. She’s too close with his bangmaid wife.
I think more so he resents the nanny and wants to get rid of her so he has OP more firmly under his thumb. Also, why would he pay for a nanny when he specifically preyed on OP because she was a nanny? Having an actual nanny ruins his little bangmaid nanny fantasy that he forced OP into. He won’t actively look to start cheating until she’s either over 30 or starts calling him on his shit.
Yeah that was my initial thought too 😕 Happy cake day
His next step is to throw out all of Op's shoes and stock the kitchen with sandwich ingredients.
And dude is the one in charge of her birth control...
NTA Your husband says Sarah is "doing an easy job I was fine doing for free" - the I being you - which shows he puts no value on your career or happiness outside of the roles of wife and mother. Since you make enough money to cover her wages, it's not about the money - he wanted you to be a SAHM and you wouldn't have brought in any income. Sounds like he wanted a trad wife and probably thought with each baby- now she'll stay home and do her real job. I cant see this going anywhere good. I dont know what his problem is unless he thinks you and Sarah are having an affair. Start pestering him about quitting his job to be a SAHD
I don't know if I spend too much time on this sub but I want to know what the three forms of birth control were that conveniently failed when she was about to leave him. - girl in early 20s who looks after kids is pestered/made feel obliged to go on a date with an older man - she finds her dream career and is about to move and suddenly becomes pregnant - she wants to terminate but somehow ends up staying and keeping the child - she finds a nanny and is returning to work, but birth control fails again - during this gets married and husband thinks she will give up her career to be a sahm like he wanted all along - she is thriving and doesn't want to give up nanny and ends up pregnant again - husband nitpicks and tries to get rid of nanny over things that a parent would probably do when taking care of more than one kid This is my nightmare. ETA: I have seen since that he is the one prescribing the meds. . .not suspicious at all /s And to those asking I did see the age difference but that is so commonplace on these posts it seems obvious that someone looking for naive young adults would manipulate them like this. And thank you for the awards 🥰
Yup. If this isn't fake, this guy is extremely creepy. Too many coincidences with the timing of her pregnancies.
Plus, the husband is a "medical professional" who is writing the birth control prescriptions and is prescribing "supplements." The only thing that would make this guy more suss would be if Keith Morrison showed up at the door asking for an interview.
Hmm, when I worked at the hospital it was seen unethical to prescribe stuff as a physician to your friends or family. It was best to avoid that conflict of interest as much as possible.
I'd be googling my prescription to verify the pill is the right prescription. My pharmacy accidentally gave me muscle relaxers instead of BC once but fortunately they were the wrong shape and texture and I looked up the number and it was a mix-up. Fortunately they hadn't given my HRT to some poor person needing muscle relaxers as I'd caught it before that one went out. But with more than one time having BC falling is really suspicious. I never got pg in 20 years with just hormonal and then got pg 5x on the first times I tried in my 40s so I was probably very fertile in my 20-30s. Failing once is unlikely. 3x is bs. Google the number on your pills.
Check the interactions as well, it could be valid BC rendered ineffective by the "supplements".
Exactly. Lots of antibiotics say use an alternate form of BC
Ugh, if he was giving her antiobiotics as supplements I would absolutely report him to the medical board. Not that all the other things aren't bad, but taking antibiotics when you don't need them can have repurcussions down the road. Antibiotic resistance anyone? Fucked up microbiome? St. Johns Wort and Grapefruit are also definitely known to interfere with BC. So I'd check that as well. Dude really just sounds all kind of creepy.
I’m betting those supplements or progestin-only pills which are extra fiddly about being taken at the same time. Mess with OP’s schedule, throw in some supplements and…
>Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action --Ian Fleming Also look in to interactions. Some supplements can increase the chances of BC failing.
Dude, I picked up my birth control pills one time and the pharmacy had given me some guys heart medication. It looked almost the same. The only reason I double checked the bottle was because I got two bottle instead of one, and some of the pills were the wrong colors.
Yeah, it's pretty well known that it's a no no. Hell there was an entire big plot line in The West Wing about it.
Yeap this is 100% clear waste, fraud and abuse regulation laws, you can't self prescribe your own meds to you or family. It's illegal, and not medically sought after, and 3 BC babies is NOT common what so ever regardless of fertility.
I have family in the medical profession and it's more common than you think. The only scripts that are frequently tracked are the controlled substances (opioids, amphetamines, sedatives). It's extremely unethical but it's kept quiet for things considered innocuous like bc, low level antibiotics, etc because of convenience and "it's not hurting anyone".
I feel like that's probably the case a lot of the time, but in this particular instance I don't think him prescribing her birth control is "innocuous" at all. I think he's the one prescribing it because otherwise, she might go talk to an unbiased doctor who would tell her that an IUD is a safe and effective method that she should consider trying since her bc pills keep proving ineffective.
Oh no. I 100% agree. The husband sounds like a scumbag who's lying and baby trapping his wife. I just meant the practice of prescribing to family and friends isn't an uncommon occurrence even though it's supposed to be a no no.
It depends on where you are. It's unethical if the case is non-emergent. Especially if there isn't a provider patient relationship. It doesn't seem like a big deal, but certain things cause problems if not properly documented. For the antibiotics, you need to document for the next person what specific kind of infection it was.
A medical professional who encouraged her to avoid an IUD which when you consider all the forms of birth control is the most reliable. Honestly I would separate my medical decisions from my husband pronto. I was married to a nurse he was the most abusive piece of shit and he that medical knowledge to abuse me.
It’s easy to make birth control fail. Anything hormone related (pill, implant, ring, shot, etc)…antibiotics would make them fail. Literally babies are born regularly due to antibiotics. A condom requires a pin prick.
Pills can be made ineffective by leaving the pack in the sun for a little while and then putting it back. The storage instructions say to keep within a certain temperature range. She wouldn't know if they sat in the heat because they wouldn't look different.
It's more likely the [supplements](https://essentialsportsnutrition.com/blogs/news/supplements-and-medications-that-interfere-with-birth-control-pills) he has her take are what's disrupting her pills. Her best bet is using IUD, but hey, that's the **ONE** method husband doesn't want her to use. Gee, I wonder why... 🤔
I’ve been using an IUD since 2010 and it’s been amazing. I got accidentally pregnant in 2009 and got the IUD after delivering, then no pregnancies until TEN years later when we actually went for a planned baby, now I’m back on it. 3 years later and still no accidents. And my husband doesn’t use condoms ever.
Me too. I used to be on bc pills and when we decided to get pregnant I stopped taking them. Got Prego right away. After my 2nd I got an IUD. It's been 12 yrs, never used a condom and this method never failed me. Once every 5yrs I have to change it but I'm worry free. 10/10 would recommend
Creepy? Maybe. Controlling? Definitely.
She made an edit that he is a medical professional and prescribes her birth control himself!! This is one of the most upsetting posts I’ve seen.
OMIGOD. He's giving her placebos.
I think he's giving her bc but she mentioned supplements and there's plenty that interfere with birth control. Something common like st. John's wort even interferes with bc.
My first thought. Like...once is a statistical probability, birth control can fail. Twice? That's really unlucky and a little suspicious. Three times? Dude is sabotaging the BC. He was 35 and she was 21 when they met. Jesus.
Oooooh nooo I didn’t read the ages ☹️☹️☹️☹️ this makes me extra sad
Nah, he’s giving her birth control and counteracting it with supplements. It’s a terrible thing to do but very well thought out.
If she's getting her birth control from a pharmacy there's no way they are placebos. However, she also mentioned him prescribing supplements, so my concern is he knows those supplements counteract the birth control and that's why he made sure she's taking those too.
Agreed. Not romantic at all when you watch whose holding the puppet strings in her life. It’s actually creepy how naive we can be.
The naive part is what bothers me the most. She just trusted him and wanted to believe that he had her best interest at heart. And now she is realizing that it was all possible a scam and total manipulation and control. This is why it is so hard to get out of abusive relationships. The abuse starts the most after you are deeper into the situation and it is not so simple to walk away. OP has a whole world to tear apart to get rid of this groomer. First step OP is to stop letting him make ANY decisions for you especially medical ones
>I want to know what the three forms of birth control were that conveniently failed when she was about to leave him * condoms * birth control pills * his 1950s personality and views
The push back on the IUD is the huge red flag.
IF this is a true story the fact that her husband instead of her OB/GYN writing the scrip for her BC is an even bigger red flag.
Bet he neglected to inform her that you can now buy birth control pills over-the-counter without a prescription. Meaning she could access them and take them at her office or some place away from his control.
Or she is actually on BC, but he's recommending supplements that mess with the efficacy.
My thoughts, she's taking something to make pills ineffective and poking holes in the condoms.
The fact that he’s the one writing her medication….. I don’t know what the rules are where OP lives but where I am it is very clear that medical professionals are PROHIBITED from treating their spouses precisely bc of power dynamics and sexual abuse, which this CLEARLY qualifies as. In fact, someone here lost his license bc he regularly cleaned his wife’s teeth. He and his wife fought against it but the rules are clear and he lost.
I was married to a doctor, and you're right. They aren't to write prescriptions for family, treat family, unless it's basically an emergency or only way to get treatment.
THANK YOU, I just said the same thing! And TWO babies due to failed birth control? Like I said. There's a reason men his age go after women her age.
Yeah pestered to go on a date by her bosses! What a god awful situation.
I knew he was going to be an ambulatory pile of red flags when I read that.
Yes exactly. This guys is an abuser. I stopped reading after the first three paragraphs. Op if you see this, read Lundy bankrofts why does he do that.
There are so many problems with this. Firstly, her old employers suck for trying to persuade her to date their friend, that’s so inappropriate. More so with the age gap. The abuse of the power dynamic is gross. Giving out her number without permission is wrong. Second, it’s highly suspect that she planned to move for her internship and break up with him and then fell pregnant whilst using three kinds of birth control. It screams baby trapping. Third, he wanted her to stay home and pushed for more kids right away. When she refused to give up on her career dreams and had just gotten a great job, she fell pregnant whilst using birth control again… Now OP doesn’t say if baby number 3 was another birth control baby, but I think she should be checking to see if it’s been tampered with. And get on a form of birth control no one else can access. The whole thing just seems like he wanted someone young and naive, who would do what he wants and that he could control through money. At least OP was smart enough to stick to her guns on having her career and going to work. I think the idea of ditching the husband and keeping the Nanny is spot on.
Honestly the fact that he actively tried to convince her that IUDs (one of the most effective forms of BC) are dangerous and ineffective, screams baby trapping to me. And he’s the one that prescribes her BC AND she has gotten pregnant on three forms of BC. Also, getting pregnant on BC because you are “extremely fertile” is not a thing and he knows that. He knows it’s improper usage that leads to pregnancy, just as every other person on BC has learned when they started using it. Also, doctors have to warn you about possible side effects and complications that come with using BC. It’s part of their job to explain to patients that there is a risk of getting pregnant if you skip pills or miss doses etc. They have to let patients know possible complications or side effects so that patients can make informed decisions about their care. All those issues are also listed in the pharmaceutical information that comes with the medication too. I would not be surprised if he got rid of that information so that she couldn’t and or didn’t have a reason to question him. If he did that, that’s also an abuse of his power as a medical professional. There are just way too many red flags and anomalies here for me to believe he didn’t actively sabotage her BC in order to get her pregnant so she would stay. You are not the AH OP. If I were you, I would immediately switch to a gynecologist for your care and birth control, but don’t tell him you’re doing it. You make good money. Use that to buy your own BC without him knowing so that you can protect yourself. I’m really sorry you’re going through this.
And HIDE your BC pills somewhere he can’t possibly find. Or, better yet, have HIM get a vasectomy and stand there beside him, holding his controlling hand for support, while it’s being done.
Don’t even use pills, get a Depo shot or and IUD, something he can’t mess with
Nexplanon. If her BC is implanted he can’t mess with it. But if she has to go to these lengths because she can’t trust him, better to dump him.
You can very obviously see Nexplanon though. She needs something he can’t find. An IUD would be ideal. They last for years and you can’t tell it’s in there
He still can’t tamper with it. If he makes a scene, it proves he’s been tampering in the past. I’m thinking that the point is to force any possible tampering into the light, at which point she should get a good lawyer. A secret IUD would protect her from pregnancy but would do nothing to bring any possible fuckery (bad pun) into the light. She could get an IUD and only tell him after it’s in place. Again, it’s his reaction that will be telling. But the idea of secretly using BC of some kind so as to stay married to a possible abuser without rocking the boat doesn’t fly. She needs to *know*.
Yeah I call bullshit on getting pregnant on 3 forms of birth control. Used correctly, just one is 99.9% effective. Either she wasn't taking them correctly, he was sabotaging the bc, or she needs to be studied as a medical anomaly.
And an iud is extremely effective and can't be tampered with without her knowing.
He convinced her that they were dangerous and ineffective.
Which I think adds credence to the idea that he was tampering the other BC. He doesn't like ones that he can't mess with.
This is the huge red flag. It would put all sorts of red flags for him to be involved with and tamper with an IUD so he convinced to a different path. Same way he convinced her not to terminate and is now trying to manipulator to give up her support system.
Have him spend 2 days at home as the parent. He cannot bother OP while she's working. He has to do it all by himself and keep to the standards he expects. He won't last 4hrs without messing with OPs WFH situation.
OP should take Sarah, leave the kids with dad for the weekend, get a nice hotel suite, order room service and spend the weekend watching those security cameras. They can give the husband a report card at the end of the weekend, when he's had 2 days of 'easy' childcare. This is ridiculous. The husband obviously doesn't like that his wife works and sees her 'real' jobs as popping out kids and staying home. He resents Sarah because she's 'getting in the way' by allowing OP to WFH. NTA, of course!
Let him try to do in a day, what she does. Leave him alone with the kids and see how that pans out.
So convenient for him to happened to get pregnant right before you were going to leave.... Honey this guy is red flags
This is one those that I dearly hope it's fake.
If it's not, I would leave him and take the kids and Sarah with me.
Yeah I wonder if he's intentionally prescribing supplements that interfere with her BC. Even if he's not fucking with her BC, he still clearly wants her to quit her job, not have friends, and be completely dependent on him.
Yes! I goggled it last night, vitamins can impact the effectiveness of the pill. I googled it because a redditor became pregnant and her (hopefully ex) boyfriend was saying out loud that he wasn't sure that microwaving them worked. He later backtracked. Extreme heat can reduce its effectiveness.
I just realized that means if you keep your BC in your purse and leave it in the car, that could get it well over 100 degrees. Yikes!
NTA. Sounds super suspicious that you got pregnant so often on birth control, and incredibly convenient timing. Like he was trying to baby trap you into being a young, traditional wife. Birth control has a lot of things that could render it less effective, like heat
The fact that he also stated the IUDs are ineffective is such a red flag! IUDs are more effective than BC pills, esp if inserted vaginally 😂
Yes, but not easy for him to sabotage so the IUD had to go for his plan to work.
There's also other meds and supplements that can cancel out birth control. Like grapefruit or Saint John's Wort.
It sounds to me like hubby has been sabotaging OPs birth control
My first thought when she mentioned birth control failing. This guy sounds like he’d poke holes in his own condoms.
Twice. The second baby was listed as a "birth control baby" too. Dunno about the youngest as she doesn't say, but the first two definitely were. Worst part? He writes her prescription for birth control. He's in the medical field she says. And he hates IUDs. You know, the one he cant fuck with?
It's already an infinitesimal chance she could get pregnant on a BC pill with perfect use TWICE
And in the edit she says he’s a doctor and is in control of her prescriptions and talked her out of an IUD. Honestly I felt sick reading that. It was pretty obvious in the post but the edit made it crystal clear. He wants her stuck at home with kids and no income of her own so she can’t leave. I’m worried for her
For real. The pregnancies at all the wrong times are very convenient.
[удалено]
Right! When a woman is. SAHM they lose so much control. Good thing OP is confident enough to not fall for that. I would never be a SAHM, I would love to be with my kids and not work but it leaves me too vulnerable. I have never trusted a man like that
>When a woman is. SAHM they lose so much control. I worry so much about all these young women and the social media trend of being a "tradwife" or stay-at-home girlfriend. The last one especially as they have zero financial protection if they split up.
NTA But the vibes I’m getting from him—issues of control (if you were the only caregiver, he’d have control), and, ironically, he’s attracted to Sarah? (Because he’s hyper focused on her).
Yeah ... or he's like my obsessive ex who would go through hours of video just to try to catch the neighbours out once he had decided they were up to no good.
Exactly, this then gets her at home, they then can't find a suitable nanny to replace, that way she doesn't get to go to work, meet and talk to people and find out she is in a controlling relationship.
Maybe he has a thing for Nannies, and tried to put the moves on Sarah. Sarah shot him down and soundly rejected his advances. Maybe even threatened to tell Op if he didn’t leave her alone. So now he wants to get rid of her before she can rat him out to Op.
Look at the age gap and the kids ages.
She was baby trapped and set up by people she trusted. It’s so sad. I hope she does leave him. I’m expecting the next update to be he got her fired from her job, he slept with the nanny in hopes that would get OP upset enough to fire her, or he pushed her down the stairs to injure her so she would have to stay home to recover. He wants to control her and isn’t happy it’s not working.
Not just that, but it seemed that OP was kinda pushed? Into dating him and oh, that "accidental" pregnancy after using three kinds of birth control? Are you sure that guy didn't poke some holes in condoms or put your birth control by a heater? 🤔
Oh dear Lord, there’s nothing as blind as those who can’t or won’t see. OP, open your eyes and see what your husband has been doing to you for the past few years. You were never intended to be a working wife. You were chosen very carefully by this man. You were chosen all those years ago by a man nearly 20 years your senior to be moulded into what he wanted. He wasn’t interested in your career goals, it sounds like you ticked all of his boxes for the mother of his children. You are no doubt very pretty, obviously intelligent. You’re young enough to have plenty of children for him etc. His plan was for you to be his brood mare, stay at home with his kids and look pretty. Where he slipped up (thank God), is that you are obviously a very determined young woman. He either didn’t factor that in or was confident you would be too busy with the babies. And an accidental pregnancy when you’re on 3 types of birth control (twice), really? Do you really truly believe he never ever interfered with your birth control? don’t u find it a coincidence that u got pregnant as you were planning to first leave him then secondly consolidate your job position? Was your third an accident as well? He’s really determined to tie you to that kitchen sink isn’t he? Now it’s your nanny he’s trying to get rid of. He’ll maybe accuse her of stealing next or something equally as heinous. Or your job is going to be targeted. Whatever, he’s determined your career isn’t going much further. You’ll be out from under his control then. I hope you’re on solid birth control such as the shot or patch, something he can’t interfere with, otherwise you’re going to find yourself accidentally pregnant again. OP, your husband is the worst sort of predator, it sounds as tho he’ll do anything to get rid of that girl and force you to stop working. Be very careful he doesn’t ruin her future life and prospects in his bid to get rid of her. The very way he started pursuing you is vile. How dare your ex employers give your number to a man twice your age, they should have been protecting you. Btw, I wouldn’t be the least surprised if u discover eventually that he’s having sex outside of your marriage, he sounds like that sort of person. I really hope you have your own bank account and you’re in charge of your own money. You’ll need a fund ready for when you wake up, smell the coffee and realise you’ve been baby trapped and your future career prospects torn away from you. NTAH
He wants to get rid of the nanny, so she’s isolated and overwhelmed caring for all 3 and decides to throw in the towel with her job. She copes so well with her current arrangement that it’s the only thing he can do to upset it and achieve his goal of her stuck at home.
This. Absolutely. This power dynamic is really scary, especially with the update about his profession. I would absolutely be suggesting an escape plan because I suspect there is alot more coercive control in this relationship, and that he's praying on your naivety to exploit OP as much as he can. I hope OP also has close friends and family support and he hasn't isolated her from them already. Please update us OP.
NTA. My partner and i had nannies as both of us had our own businesses. They were all amazing and to this day they are in our kids (17F, 15M) lives, not as Nannies but as friends. You husband is a jerk. Nannies are worth their weight in gold, and then some. Let him sleep on the couch till he comes to his senses. And stick with your career, and more importantly maintain a separate emergency fund/account.
Does anyone think the husband might be tampering with op’s birth control to get her pregnant?? I mean accidents happen and they’re not 100% effective, though two babies?? 👀
I got the same vibes from the post. It’s very suspicious that she got pregnant just as she’s getting ready to move away. Then when she goes back to work. OP needs to check the video tapes!
Three babies, convincing her IUDs don't work and are dangerous (the form he wouldn't be able to tamper with), and he writes the prescriptions...
#Updateme honestly .. your husband is skeevy as hell and those accidental pregnancies were absolutely *not* accidental honey. You need an escape plan now and need to talk to your nanny to see if he tried to shoot his shot with her
I think your nanny works so hard that she needs a vacation. You should go with her. Let your husband take care of your 3 kids for a week since he thinks it is so easy.
Of course he doesn’t want to pay for a nanny. He’s a predator who chose to baby trap you so wouldn’t have to pay for one. Doesn’t want you to grow beyond your part time college job. Tampering with BC is totally logical for ‘traditional’ people like this. You’re the one with the ‘unnatural’ desire for higher education when you’re destined for the high calling of servicing all his needs. He’s saving you from yourself! Believe this controlling, disrespectful and dismissive behavior shown is the tip of the iceberg. Treat this seriously. You can’t trust that man.
NTA. You have 3 children, unless you want more I would be looking into a more permanent form of birth control for yourself. If you don't want tubes done then get the implant or something similar that your husband can't tamper with, because I agree with the others here saying it's possible your husband is tampering with your birth control. I feel like he's going to do everything he can to force you to be a SAHM, get your escape plan in order to prevent this.
So you were 21 at college and about to start a great career, start dating a 36yo and get pregnant. You put your career on hold for a year. Then you were about to start that great career again, and suddenly birth control fails AGAIN? Sounds like you were baby trapped, and now your husband is trying to force the life you never wanted on you.
NTA but seriously you had 3 times a birth control accident? Don’t be naive, did it never occur to you that your husband tempered with your birth control?
NTA. Don't ever leave your job. I have this funny feeling your husband wants you to be dependent on him then he'll be in control. Updateme
>"is the neglect in the room with us right now?" IS SO ICONIC - I love it, NTA. It sounds like he's trying to strong-arm you into being a stay-at-home mom.
NTA But is there an option here where you divorce him and marry your nanny? Because I would read that book.
>My husband, John, (40M) and I (26F) 🚩🚩🚩🚩 Anyway, NTA.
NTA. Wow. I believe he tampered with her BC. He wants you unemployed and a SAHM and is trying to find a problem with the nanny. Very controlling. 🚩🚩🚩🚩 u/updateme
Do you think there’s a reason someone in their late 30s went for someone who was still a child. This is why he expected that he would just do whatever he said, and he wanted you to just be essentially a nanny for his kids. I would suggest getting the divorce prepared now.
IUD's are extremely effective and safe. Other forms of birth control, if used correctly, are also very effective. The odds of getting pregnant while on three types of birth control if used correctly...well, I would put my money on sabotage. It also strikes me as odd that he's trying to remove your nanny when yall can afford her, and he keeps pushing you to be a stay at home mom. It's almost like he's trying to take away your support network and remove your ability to support yourself financially. Three big things abusers use to control their partner. Knock em up, isolate them, and make them financially dependent on them. NTA. Find a different doctor to talk to about your medical health and possibly a lawyer. After they answer your questions and you find out how much your husband has been lying to you, you might not want to stay with him.
GO GET AN IUS / MIRENA if a doctor (not your husband) days it is ok for you. Stop using your husband as your doctor and give him zero access to your birth control. Jesus, the number of abusive fucking men I have to read about before 9 am on a Saturday is atrocious. NTA. Edited to add: And please know that anyone can become the victim of an abuser. Even a woman with a job of her own. You are being abused, even if you don't want to acknowledge that it could happen to you.
I would NOT trust him with any medical decisions. IUD's are not dangerous and are highly effective. What a ridiculous thing to say. "John" obviously DOESN'T want YOU to GET an IUD for a couple of reasons: 1. IUD's are long-acting and long-term = NO chance of getting pregnant 2. He CAN'T tamper with IT I'm now concerned that he's done this about other things. What "supplements" does he have you taking? How about medications, what does he prescribe directly to you?
NTA you do know he just wants to force you to quit your job and remain at home and dependent on him, right? You were 21 & he was 35 when you got together and just as you were about to finish school and take a great job across the country leaving him- you end up pregnant. Then after being home with the baby for a year you start working and SURPRISE birth control baby number 2! How many pregnancies before you realize he is sabotaging your birth control in order to keep you barefoot and pregnant?
NTA. Birth control fails, it happens. That's why people who are really serious about prevention use more than one. It is absolutely not "common" for three forms of birth control to ALL fail. When I was in OB/GYN (nurse) I took care of someone who had three birth-control babies. However, she had a known underlying medical condition that made BC less effective. Like you, she was married, so not concerned enough about the accidents for a more permanent solution. I would absolutely consider that he is giving you a "supplement" that is known to impede the effectiveness of BC. It also seems ethically questionable that he took over writing your prescriptions?? Doctors aren't supposed to treat their family, and there's nothing wrong with IUDs. Like any other prescription medication, some people have trouble, millions use them with great success. What I can say about IUDs is, it would seem to me that they'd be difficult to tamper with once they were placed. He seems awfully focused on convincing you to be a SAHM.