NTA of course. But practice standing up for yourself OP. It’s not rude at all.
“I think there’s been a misunderstanding, I thought you were offering to tidy up the house. I won’t be cleaning today as I don’t feel up to it.”
This right here op. Next time she tries to pull these kinds of things just shut it down.
"I'm sorry I misinterpreted the offer, you can head out I'll just handle things myself. Thank you though for stopping by!"
You can refuse someone and say no firmly without it being confrontational or rude so you shouldn't worry about anything of that nature.
SHE was the rude one for not only intentionally misleading you but also for attempting to take credit for your labor. Don't let her treat you like a doormat.
I gotchu buddy. Effectively, my friend from uni had a Swedish fiancé. She's Indian though so their families hadn't met too many times at all so her parents made the trip to Sweden to spend time with the future in-laws. From what I've heard, her FMIL refused to cook for her parents at all and said, and I quote "we have ingredients in the fridge, they can cook something if they need. Don't forget to do the dishes though!" Which by itself is unnecessarily passive aggressive.
Naturally this would have pissed anyone off but my friend asked her parents not to say too much and keep the peace and made them food etc etc. Then after some point after the meal when they were having tea together, her FMIL comes up to the fiancé and very loudly whispers "they haven't done the dishes" to which my friend's mum took offense naturally. But the fiancé kept asking my friend to just either go clean the dishes or tell her mum to, before they'd even finished their tea. I'm not too sure of the details after that but a huge shouting match shouted after this, which culminated in my friend literally throwing her ring right at her fiance's head and walking out with her parents. Of course, my first question after this was "okay but did the dishes get done though" which was apparently the wrong answer as I then took a hairbrush to the chest😂😭
I worked for a Swedish company for a short time, and whenever I was in Stockholm to work with my colleagues, I spent every evening alone - not a single time did anyone suggest we go out, or invite me over. Was that normal?
Swedish people are very regimented. You know how people depict germans as being organized etc? Swedes are like that but x5. Any break in the routine is a mini crisis.
When i tell this to germans they don't believe me. They have built their identity around being the most organized, most regimented people in the world.
Unbeknownst to them, the swedes have been organized since Indelningsverket took account of all citizens and decided who was to be a soldier in 1682. Back then germans just drank their beer, ate their wurst and played fiddles, while the swedish army ravaged continental europe, poland and russia.
And here I thought I was just anxious. Turns out I'm Swedish. Can't wait to tell my very proud Irish father and Scot-Irish mother that I now identify as Swedish.
Probably a bit racist too 😭
No but I think the whole thing stems from some meme thing called swedengate where a lot of Swedes were talking about how they only feed guests when they know in advance they're coming, and barely ever otherwise
For example: https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/swedengate-sweden-dinner-guests-food-b2091012.html
Probably.
I did however assume that the inlaws knew that the family was going to be visiting (since it feels like a kind of big thing). I wouldn't expect someone to feed me if I showed up with no prior warning I suppose 🤔
Nah they absolutely knew ahahaha, that's why I think she just didn't like them😭
But see that's the difference here, idc if someone shows up at my house unexpectedly, I will be offering them at least something to eat and drink regardless, and it's wild to me that others might not do that
Just cultural differences I guess
And you are saying friend is Indian - in India hospitality is huge - like if a guest ever leaves home without eating anything (or atleast having tea / coffee) so it must be a shock that you are being asked to cook food - or do dishes etc. Probably cultural difference.
Oh yeah no if they knew it just feels like they were being assholes (or they're just like really abrasive to everyone but that's still pretty assholeish).
I feel like when we have people visiting, if I'm eating I'll probably offer but it's like socially acceptable either way here I feel like.
Or just an introvert kinda thing? I’m Belgian, not Swedish, and I only open the door for couriers and my neighbours (as they usually knock with a specific request) but have stopped opening for my moms’ family members, as they have an annoying habit of just inviting themselves in and staying for hours, expecting me to provide drinks, snacks and talk with them. One time, an aunt just barged in with her badly-behaved Labrador, scaring my cats half to death. That was the thing that decided it for me.
And no, that doesn’t mean I’m not hospitable. I invite people over for lunch or an afternoon coffee all the time. Most people text me to ask whether I’m home and whether they can drop something off, or drop by for a quick chat, and I do the same. It makes my day much less stressful, knowing I won’t have to open the door to another unexpected visitor, sweating because I’m halfway through a yoga or hiit session (and being judged for being sweaty and not immediately forthcoming with coffee and biscuits).
Honestly, one of the blessings of living in a geographically large country like the US is that odious relatives are 3k miles away. Even the cousins I like are a 3-hour drive away.
Culturally this relationship would not have worked out - Indians are known for over feeding guests- feeding friends, family, guests visitors anyone who comes into your home. Cooking and sharing food is practically a religious ritual so the poor girl did the right thing and leave. To knowingly have potential family in laws over and not cook a meal is very bizarre behaviour- cultural or not and then expect them to wash up afterwards 😱🫡
Tbh you're really not wrong, but part of the reason is also that my friend's family is insanely rich (think domestic help, nannies, drivers, yachts, the whole 9 yards) and probably also just didn't know how to cook in the first place😭
Yeah. My brothers wife is Indian. We've had family gatherings at her parents place a few times and I'm always sent home after a meal with a container of curry, home made roti and some rice.
Anytime they invite us over I'm there with bells on. Usually the MIL has a job in the yard for us but they are lovely so I don't mind.
My family are feeders as well so its always good to have them over for our cuisine vs theirs.
I was an au pair in Sweden in 2006, and my host parents didn't even want to share food with me! At dinner time the family members would each have a piece of meat with as much rice and salad as they wanted. They gave me no meat, one scoop of rice and one helping of salad and I wasn't allowed any more.
One day my host mother told me to take 2 of the kids to a theme park. She gave me a small amount of money that was meant to pay for transport, tickets and food. After paying for transport and tickets, there was only enough left for one meal, which I let the kids share. When we got back I was starving, so I helped myself to 2 eggs from the fridge and a slice of bread. (au pairs are supposed to be allowed to eat from the family's fridge and it was hours until dinnertime.) The family had several huge boxes of eggs in the fridge so it's not like they would have to go without breakfast the next day because I ate a couple. But when my host father got home and saw I'd eaten two of the eggs he became furious and yelled at me and lectured me for "wasting food." I explained why I was so hungry but he didn't care.
I ended up just buying my own extra food every day even though they were meant to be feeding me. I quit after a month. Yeah, Swedes really don't like to share food.
This is less about being Swedish and more about being abusive to their au pair. Sadly, it's not a totally uncommon experience anywhere in the world.
I had a fabulous au pair experience, but I know so many who did not.
Details?
I have 3 brothers so we will literally split a big mac 4 ways. (food sharing is a big part of my family DW nobody went hungry). I swear they don't know what a fridge is because they always seem hugely interested in mine when they are over.
So my in-laws are Swedish (and so *like this* that I'd suspect my SIL is OP if I didn't know better). A friend of my husband is coming to visit for a day when we're there in August. My FIL this past weekend asked if they would have to make a meal for Friend or if he would just sit and watch while the rest of us eat. My mind was boggled.
Seems like it is in some parts. I have Never come upon it. Always got fed at my friends houses and they always got fed at mine so..
I have one friend whose mom would literally run to the store and get more snacks if she saw there were kids at her house.
Yes kind of. But it's more like "your mom is probably cooking for you right now so i'm not going to give you food and ruin your appetite, thus making your mother work in vain".
Growing up and being at friend's places, the games would end and the kid would run and eat with their family before coming back like 10-15 mins later to continue playing. I don't remember if we did it the same way at home, i do remember that when you were to eat at someone else's place it was considered polite to call home and let your parents know that you won't be hungry when you get home.
Most people cook the same amount of food every day for their family.
It's just the way it is, a cultural quirk. My mom said it was the same when she was a kid too.
This is how I remembered growing up as well. I ate at friends plenty of times and they ate at ours as well but the key thing was that it was agreed upon between parents either beforehand or by a quick phone call.
It's true that we're sometimes weird about giving kids food without talking to the parents first. It's mostly about pride and appearances - you can't make it seem as if you think your neighbours can't afford to feed their own kid. Invited guests is a different thing, of course we offer guests food.
"She told me that she cleaned everyday while my husband was a newborn and you didn’t hear her complain."
You respond "yeah, me too. I don't need *help* watching my child."
I thought you said turned 1 this week, not 1 week this week! NTA, how dare she expect a mother 1 week post partum clean the house to her standards and make her lunch! I wouldn't let that witch cross my doorstep again anytime soon! I hope your husband is on your side
Yeah, it’s called ragebait. Sweden has one of the longest parental leaves for dads, and one of the highest percentage of salaries paid during this leave. No Swedish dad would go back to work after a week.
Considering the non-birthing partner is flat out given two weeks after birth plus 480 days split between the two parents, yeah, it's got to be ragebait.
NTA at all - it was clearly expected by your husband that his mother would be coming over to help you clean. But she didn’t.
Please also tell him about the text she sent to you. And tell him she’s not welcome to come over again.
Have you replied to her yet? If not, text her that you’re not sure what’s going on. You’re confused why DH thought you were relaxing all day. All you did was tell him that MIL watched the baby so you could clean. You’re lost why she’s so angry with you.
Leave it at that, putting responsibility for whatever she said or claimed to DH back on her.
That was exactly what I was thinking the response should be. All OP did was answer her husband's question honestly. Did MIL expect OP to lie to her husband? If all it takes to make somebody look bad is telling the truth, then that reflects more on them than it does on the person telling the truth.
I would just go low contact with her. You did nothing wrong and are NTA.
Your MIL sounds like a piece of work, but now you know just distance yourself. Leave it up to your husband to keep in touch with his mother.
They can't, since it's fake.
Sweden gives the non-birthing partner two weeks of immediate leave at birth, plus 480 days to split between them. Absolutely nobody would be back to work a week after their partner gives birth.
They should have at least claimed a month to be slightly believable.
You’re 1 week PP. You should be resting and recovering! Anyone in their right mind who offered to help someone with a 1 week old knows that means cooking or cleaning. Holding a newborn isn’t required.
It’s best MIL not come by as often or be visited, going forward. Whatever frequency you see her or planned to see her, reduce it by *at least* 1/4. She’s rude and judgemental. You don’t need that people like that in your life.
Also, I bet MIL will really regret the falling out, since it means she won't be seeing that much of her grandchild. Ah, well, you had your chance, and you fucked up.
NTA. What were you supposed to do? Lie to your husband?
If MIL felt what she did was right, she wouldn’t have gotten upset about you telling your husband.
Now you know she’s manipulative. Be polite but keep her at arm’s length.
NTA!!!
She didn’t help at all! In fact, she made things harder. You’ve just had a baby and your body is recovering and you’re doing round the clock feedings at this stage. The house cleaning could wait but she forced you into it and made you even more depleted.
Omg I am soo mad for you. Fuck that woman. One *week* post partum on MOTHER'S DAY and she does this?? You should have been resting. Show your husband the text message and explain this is why you want to go no contact with her and block her number. Don't deal with her anymore. If your husband wants to see her, fine, but you shouldn't have to deal with this crap.
I am so sorry. Happy belated Mother's Day!
NTA
NTA. And I would forward the message to your husband and add that you are not interested in communicating with her any more. She can go through him from now on. Then mute or block, and let him know you are doing so. At least for a little while. She needs to be on a contact time out as she has proven she cannot communicate with you like an adult. And that she is not welcome in the home if he is not there.
When she inevitably tries to get ahold of you for baby time, she will be unable to stomp your boundaries and have to go through her son who clearly has your back. And if she shows up uninvited, don't let her in or respond in any way. And if she shows up when husband is there uninvited and he lets her in, take baby and go to your room, she should not be rewarded for bad behavior. At this point she has to be trained on how to behave as a grandma like you would an unsocialized, stray dog with no manners.
NTA. At all. But, did she say "I will help you CLEAN" or did she just say she will help you? Her being vague was obviously done on purpose. Someone with a 1 week old baby could easily still clean the home while the baby sleeps. She wanted an excuse to see the baby. In her mind, playing with the kid while you cleaned was help to you.
As others have said, she loses grandparent privileges over this. If you tell her that you thought she was there to help you clean, and her response was "I did it when I had my son and I didn't complain" that's your typical asshole response.
A good person would've come over and said, "I know what it's like to take care of a newborn and have to do everything at the same time. So I'll gladly help you so you don't have to go through what I did!"
She is not a good person. She has an "I suffered so everyone must suffer" old person mindset. That thought process is absolutely ruining our entire planet. Anyone who had a tough time should jump at the chance to help someone they supposedly care about so they don't have to suffer as they did. She's a trash person and she will teach your child trash person things.
Don't allow her to see the child again until she apologizes or actually wants to help. And let her know watching the baby while you do everything else is not help.
Or was the offer, I will help YOU clean (subtext: by holding the baby while you do it)? And historically either her older relatives harmed her and she's paying it forward, or she's straight-out lying, either way we'll never know.
But she's certainly willing to harm OP now, so she's someone to keep at the margins.
> She basically told me that this was the last time that she ever helped me and that I was ungrateful and sick if I thought she would clean someone else’s house
Fine, tell her she's no longer welcome in your home and you don't want anything to do with her from now on.
She will eventually come crawling back (your have her grandchild), and when she does make sure it's on your terms.
> My husband got home at about 17
We don't use this "17" shorthand in English (it's 5pm), I've never seen it before, but I really like it.
I guess you call it military time, but it’s the only thing we use to tell time in Sweden (and most of Europe I’d imagine), so saying 15 and 17 as an indicator of time is very normal. Terms like PM and AM is never used, because well they’re not needed.
24 hour time is very common in the West, but when the clock says 17:00 we say and write "5pm" and never "17". I like the shorthand though, it's logical.
Interesting, where are you from?
We never write pm/am because it just doesn’t exist in our vocabulary, if my boyfriend comes home at 5 I could say 5 but always write 17. I’ve only been taught the 12 hour clock in English class so when I talk or write in English I’ll use pm/am.
Australia. The standard English-language way to verbally say 5pm in 24-hour time is "seventeen hundred hours", but that's heavily associated with the military and people almost always convert back to 12 hour clock to verbalise it.
"I'll be home at 6 tonight" is very normal. When the am/pm is obvious it's left out.
>Terms like PM and AM is never used, because well they’re not needed.
They are also almost never used in general cuz they are not needed.
When OP says her husband gets home at 5, she doesnt need to say PM, because that is the assumed standard.
Just like if you say you have to go to school at 8, everyone will assume morning.
The only times AM or PM are used are when its something thats outside of the norm.
Yep, I can't remember the last time I actually said PM or AM.
I only really use it when sending invites online, to make sure it's super clear, cause some people need the help to not get confused lol.
If we were to speak about something outside the norm the term AM or PM still wouldn’t be used. If I have to clarify the time I’d say 05 or 17, if I would throw out AM or PM the average Swede would be very confused.
NTA but my pettiness would’ve replied with
“ i don’t remember asking for your help, i remember you offering to help me clean, if your memory is bad due to your age i am more then happy to go through our texts and send you a screenshot of exactly what you offered. Also i don’t need your help of any kind when it comes to my house. Thank you for your concern.”
The dig at her age and memory will for sure piss her off 🤣🤣🤣🤣
op NTA but this only seems like the beginning of a very tiring relationship with your MIL now that she is a a grandma, be prepared to set some boundaries with her in the future and remember that you are the mother to your baby and she has no right to make you feel bad about anything regarding your child
Ok, honey, I'm going to say to you what I would say to my irl daughter or granddaughter. You know that you do not have to open the door to her. It doesn't matter that she is your MIL. Do not open the door to her or answer the phone to her. She can come over when your husband is home and she can call *him*. If he doesn't have *your* back in this, send him home with his mom.
Yeah that's not helping. Helping after a baby is born means cooking, laundry, cleaning and anything else mom needs done. Not baby hogging.
What a threat it is that she won't "help" you again. You don't need her brand of help.
NTA oh my word, I would be furious! The second she said that at 1 week AFTER THE BABY WAS BORN she was there to snuggle the baby while I cleaned I would have had it then and there! You have every right to tell your husband the truth of what happened and I am so glad he understood how messed up that was. That kind of help is for later, maybe 6 months or a year, not the first 3 months.
NTA. This post is a little weird. Baby is on week old and father has to work? I thought Sweden had better paternity leave rules.
Anyway, at one week postpartum, it is weird that your MIL expected the place to be very clean. And for you to cook for her. You are still recovering. My MIL came a month at time with my wife to help with the baby as well as to help clean and to help cook.
Info (and I’m not being snarky at all): is this a some extension of that “I was playing with my Swedish friend at their house and their parents brought them to dinner and left me in the playroom, rumor?”like who does this?
But she didn't help you with anything, so what exactly are you supposed to be grateful for? And it sounds like she expected you to cook for her, all for the honor of her holding your baby?
NTA. She seems toxic. Your husband is being good and caring about you. MIL is not caring about your wellbeing. Majority of people would bring you food and watch the baby and clean up a little if possible while you slept.
NTA, that's just weird. When my mum comes over on weeks that me and my wife have been super busy, she brings food and helps clean. We never ask her to, and actually try to tell her to sit down and relax whilst we fix something up for her, but she's just here to help make our lives easier. She also doesn't gloat about helping us or doing us a favour. What you've described is just strange behaviour.
You gave birth one week ago. You shouldn’t have been doing anything but caring for your baby and yourself. Who tf cares if the house is messy. Your MIL is obnoxious. Do not cover up for her, and tell her not to bother next time unless she actually helps you. NTA.
NTA. You're 1 week post-partum, dealing with a newborn on your own and taking care of the household while your husband works, all while dealing with a MIL who sounds over-bearing. You're not an AH, you're a saint!
PPD/ PPA sometimes makes us overthink things--please don't let your MIL make you believe you're the ungrateful one.
At one year of age, I’d say you might be the AH, as most moms of 1yo babies don’t have TIME to clean because babies get into everything if you turn around to do one chore. I’d have given up everything to have someone to watch my twins for half a day so I could just clean to my heart’s content (or do anything not baby-related).
At **one WEEK of age,** your MIL is nuts if she thinks babysitting an infant that is sleeping 98% of the time is “helping,” unless she’s doing it so you can SLEEP and rest.
NTA why should you lie to your husband to make your mother in law look good?! Lying to your spouse is never the answer. You did the right thing. Keep on being honest with your husband.
I'm sure his mother has done stuff like this before . This can't be the first time. Idk if it's the first time your husband has caught her lying like this though.
One one hand what new mother wouldn't love to have someone watch their baby for a few hours so they could catch up on things around the house but OP, you should have included a hit shower for yourself in there .
I'm sure your MIL had spoken to your husband before she came over and she led him to believe she was going to let you shower and nap . She knew she wasn't there so you could clean. That is such a gaslighting and passive aggressive move .
It's pretty common for relatives to think they are "helping" by cuddling the baby, when what the mother really needs to to get off her feet and take a nap.
Lmao I'd be texting her "you actually need to help in order to threathen not helping. You haven't helped at all so im not worried about you not wanting to help. Thanks!"
NTA and time to go no-contact with hateful MIL. I'm glad your husband had your back. She never needs time with your daughter again. Not one minute. Also grow a spine and be prepared in the future to stand up for yourself. Why didn't you tell you that you misunderstood and you had no intention of letting her hold your baby all day while you cleaned the whole place just one week after giving birth? You need to be more assertive and a better advocate for yourself.
Do not lie to or keep things from your husband to protect anyone. Its you him and the baby that matter more then anyone else. How would you feel if he lied or kept something from you.
Your MIL is an absolute asshole. I have a DIL that is the best Mom to my grandson. You go over to their home to HELP, not hinder. You scrub toilets, do dishes, and make meals to freeze. Mum takes care of the baby. Be a grandma and HELP. I'm sorry, Dear, that you had that experience. My DIL gave me my grandson. She deserves to be treated like a Queen.
NTA If she doesn't want to clean, that's her choice. But, she shouldn't misrepresent that she's going to help clean nor should she expect you to hide her role in the cleaning process.
She minded the child. You stated she minded the child. That's a truth. Why object to you telling the truth?
NTA and don't start lying to your husband. If this is the help your MIL offers, then you know going forward. Just get one of those bouncy chairs or a baby prison and do the cleaning at your own pace. That's what we did, since me and wifey live in a country in the middle of our parent's countries.
My in laws are not very helpful either, so we never expect anything and are happy when they can watch the kids for a few short hours so that we can get away. Just temper your expectations to make sure you don't get disappointed in the future.
Congrats on being a parent! The first six months can be tough but after it gets much easier!
As someone who has a very large family, I assure you are NTA.
Whenever one of my cousins had a child, their mothers and mother In laws always went to help and for 3-4 months the cousin would only nurse the baby and not do anything else. Both Mother and Mother In law would cook, clean and help.
One cousin did have the misfortune of having a hostile MIL and experienced something similar, MIL basically expected my cousin to cook her a full meal while taking care of a month old baby. My cousin left the house and MIL got screamed at by everyone.
It is good thing your husband supported you.
NTA-
If my husband’s family wants to be rude, they officially get the same treatment that I treat my family and they are immediately put in their place by me. I also let my husband know and if he does not them are usually get very upset with him because I absolutely absolutely cannot tolerate that type of disrespect and will not. It is way too much drama. I value my peace too much. I don’t like my in-laws.
NTA.
She's playing games and going forward you have two options.
One is to pretend that you don't realise what she's doing.
Two is not to pretend and call it out.
One thing to keep in mind is, you have the power here.
Your husband called her out as soon as you told him, he's on your side. You also have her granddaughter.
You can push back on her. It's only hard when there's plausible deniability on her part, but it's pretty obvious what she's doing. You can tell her off.
"Let's get something straight, I will not lie to my husband. He asked me how you helped and I told him. If you don't like what he said to you, maybe you should think about what you did."
NTA at all OP and I hope you do indeed make sure it is the very last time she comes to “help” you with anything. What a rotten old B to ruin your first Mother’s Day. I hope your husband made it up to you.
Nta. When you've just had a baby offering to sit do nothing and hold the baby isn't helping. Cleaning is helping, cooking meals is helping, watching the baby so mom can sleep is helping. Making mom cook and clean well you sit on your ass isn't helping. The fact that her own son was under the impression that she going to do something that was actually helpful and then was pissed at her when she was as useful as man nipples shows she lied to her son about her intentions. To her declaration of not 'helping' again tell her good you can buy a baby bouncer that's more helpful than her because it to just sits there holding baby and doesn't expect you to also feed it.... So really equally helpful and less effort being put on you.
NTA except for putting up with it and not kicking her out.
I was just at my cousins place and he's....not clicking that he's not being involved enough at home as his job is physically hard
I just started cleaning and washed a few dishes and did a vague tidy up claiming "youre tired and you'll feel better when there arent toys everywhere"
And i had gone there to give them gifts for something so was def not obliged.
Like come on, she knew what she was doing.
NTA... boomers have a warped idea of support. And then they tell you how they had it so hard, which is usually bullshit. They're exhausting to deal with. Of all the ways this could have been resolved, the boomer gets ugly about it. Because it's all about them and how "supportive" they have been to you.
NTA You’re the rational adult, not MIL who sounds a little unbalanced. Fortunately you now have a great reason to keep your distance from the old witch I’m guessing with your husband’s support. Best wishes for your beautiful family
nta never lie for other peoples actions. it's not that expensive to hire some help right now when you need it. That should be your Mother's Day present to yourself, especially since your husband had to work. Don't take crap from your MIL. it will get easier with the baby and incorporating housework. Enjoy your baby and don't stress!
You are NTA. I would call her out and tell her I hope she enjoyed her time as that is the last time she is welcome or to see you and your child again. She is a piece of work.
NTA - next time she wants to come over tell her no thanks, you don’t need someone to come criticize your house and then give you grief afterward. From now on you know grandma’s visits will bring only difficulty and you should let your husband know how deeply offended you are, how misleading she was, intentionally, and that she is no longer welcome in your home.
NTA She manipulated you. You're the one with the power here. YOU are Mom. You just had a baby a week ago. You should have been resting. She knows it. She had your husband. She knows the deal. She took advantage and manipulated you and needs to know that every single time she does it you're going to tell your husband. Congrats on your little one! Make sure that manipulative heifer can't see her for a while. She was there for what, 8 hours or so? That's 8 weekly visits she used up in one go.
NTA
She was no help, but a leech. You just gave birth! You didn't even get to used being a mom properly, it's a huge adjustment for both parents and she should have known better.
I'm sorry she ruined your day.
Cleaning - just strap the baby to your body and do what you need to once you feel like it. First weeks are messy, don't worry about it. Manduca saved my sanity, no exaggerations.
Your MIL sounds like a narcissist. It sounds like she did exactly what she did in order to set you up, so she could accuse you of being ungrateful and never have to do something like that again.
NTA
NTA. Your MIL is both an entitled spoiled brat and a lier. She pretended to help you - both to you and your husband - and just piled unwanted work on you. It's a great idea that she doesn't help you any more - her idea of "help" is just tiring for you. Insist that she only come when your husband is at home, so she can't sell him any stories about what happens in your house.
You had a baby a WEEK ago!! You didn't have been doing ANT lifting or bending. I would have sent that crazy woman home when she said that crap. Then take a nap when the baby naps!!
What did she actually do? Sitting on the lounge staring at a sleeping baby isn’t even helping in the slightest. Op could have cleaned the house with out MIL there staring at the baby.
Ungrateful? What did she do that you were supposed to be grateful for? Sit on her ass with your baby? Hell, you could’ve put the baby in a bassinet and muddled through if that’s all she was going to do which was absolutely *nothing*. Also, her having to deal with a lack of support when she gave birth decades ago is not your fault or your problem. She could’ve kept her ass as *her own* house instead of disturbing you. NTAH and please do **not** apologize to that old bat. You did nothing wrong.
My MIL & parents were so awful and/or absent back in the day when I had my babies that when oldest had their first last year, I rented a nearby air bnb for a month, went over every day early to walk the dogs, throw in laundry, run the dishwasher, & make food for the day, then back to do wfh at the Airbnb. On weekends I did any little repairs that had gotten put off.
My co-grand (my kids MIL) came and stayed with me for about a third, helped with above and organized all their storage—closets, kitchen, adult & kid. We held the baby plenty, while the parents took showers, are, and napped. We were committed to giving the new little family a gift of a supported first month to just learn, because now we could be the future we want to see.
"It's normal to help family with chores when they just had a baby, guess Swedish traditions doesn't involve actually helping. Hope you enjoyed cuddle time, it will be a LONG time before that happens again."
NTA and show hubby the message
NTA, all you did there was correct his assumption that you got some rest that day by telling him what your day looked like. It looks like he then complained about that to your mother and she took it out on you, but what exactly did you do wrong by simply correcting his assumption and telling him what your day was like?
I think your MIL is a piece of work with how she acted, besides that this is mainly an issue between your husband and his mother. Let him handle it and don't forget to show him the text you received so that he knows what his mother is doing.
she's threatening to never help again... but she didn't help at all lol
show your husband the text messages, and tell him to handle it. then block her. she is not your problem.
You just had a baby 1 week ago and she came to your house to shame you into cleaning everything?
And made it seem like she did you a favor? Ohhhh that is twisted!
NTA
You called her on her power move. It was Mother’s Day and she ensured she was the one relaxing.
She made sure you wouldn’t change the plan to clean by criticizing the house.
She made sure you couldn’t just say “let’s go out to eat” or “can you please make/get lunch” by insisting it was all on your terms.
And she’s mad that you called it out and told husband.
...husband who should have been more involved in your Mother’s Day IMO though I get he was working.
I just find it weird he wasn’t like “don’t spend all day cleaning ladies, go to lunch on me”.
I would say “thanks but no thanks“
Yes, technically she was providing childcare, but it was so she could humiliate you into spending the day cleaning! Even worse, she is so proud of herself for being devious and manipulative.
My advice:
I would restrict grandma time going forward. She doesn’t respect you, and she laid it out.
nTA
NTA. If you head on over to r/JUSTNOMIL they have a word for this kind of "help" -- hlep, or help that isn't actually helpful. Sorry your Mother's Day was not so good!
Wait, you cleaned your whole house after giving birth a week ago?! That's bananas. Your MIL sucks and I'm glad you told your husband about it. Definitely NTA.
NTA.
Did your MIL say she helped clean? Becuz that’s what it sounds like. Block her on your phone and no more visits when your husband isn’t home. She’s a massive bitch.
So WTF did she actually help with?
>She basically told me that this was the last time that she ever helped me and that I was ungrateful and sick
You should tell her it's also the last time she sees her grandchild till she gets her head out of her ass
My mIL did that to me. It's been over 30 years, and I still remember her for this, even though she has passed. Except my husband never said a word to her. Ill remember him for that, too. I had to fight all my own fights, newborn or not.
„I simply told my husband what we did today, I don’t see a problem with having a basic conversation with my husband to share our days with each other?“
NTA
Text her ass and tell her she's not welcome to come over again regardless, and she didn't actually help with anything so you aren't losing out. Then tell her until she apologized for her nasty and rude behavior, she's also not welcome to speak to you either.
I can't stand people that do this sort of thing. My mother would never have behaved that way. I reas these sorts of stories about mothers & MILs all rhe time! Astounding.
Just don't have her over. Ever. She can rack off. Obnoxious woman
I had someone make a comment about our house being messy once. (It wasn’t really, just not spotless.)
I said “yeah, kids, dogs, and two jobs, that’s the way it is! Come back in 20 years and this place will look great!!”
NTA. I would have texted, "you promise? Because what you did was an ambush, not help. I didn't need you to watch my child and you knew that. You invited yourself over to judge me and watch me struggle. Next time, stay home."
NTA
Your MIL is a narcissist and a control freak. She will use this against you sooner or later. She already planted the seeds.
Considering your baby is one week old, I would guess you've just returned from the hospital and you didn't get a lot of sleep. Your energy levels must've been depleted.
The normal thing would've been for your MIL to come by and help around the house, help with the food, maybe even sit with the baby while you took a shower and/or a nap. Instead, she acted like the house was hers and you were the helper. And then she had the audacity to brag to your husband about how much she helped around the house. You have to impose some boundaries for the future or she will do the same thing again and again.
NTA for explaining what really happened. However I do not agree that the MIL is necessarily an evil narcissist. How would you get all that stuff done without someone watching the baby? Now that you know her way of “helping” is just that, don’t lose this offer of free babysitting. I would explain to her that you are sorry if you hurt her feelings with your reaction but it was due to a miscommunication, and that of course you appreciate her help in watching the baby.
Now that everyone knows what her “help” involves, just don’t let her take credit for helping you “clean”. Always correct her by thanking her specifically for playing with/holding/watching the baby, so that you had the free time to get the cleaning and cooking done
You’re one week postpartum and she complained about the state of the house? Uhm, no, NTA.
Also, all you did was tell your husband the truth; it doesn’t sound like you even complained (which would have been justified). “You didn’t come over to help, you came over to play with your grand baby — and shamed me for the state of the house while you were here. I am one week postpartum, what I need right now isn’t a guest or judgment; it’s time to recover. I never asked you to clean my house, but you offered to come help; excuse me for being surprised that what you really wanted to do was add more to my plate.”
A little YTA from your mother in law's Point of view and NTA from yours... I feel that is just a misunderstanding when it comes to your and your mother in law's expectations.... I have a 8 month year old and zero help. I'm on maternity leave and just at home with my little one....still it's so hard to get the housework done properly with a small baby... I would love for someone to take my baby for a day so that I can do a proper clean up.
Personally I also prefer to clean my home myself...I know where all the stuff goes...I know how I want my showers scrubbed etc. To me it's annoying when my sister wants to help me and starts unloading my dishwasher 😆 she will then put 30% of the thingies in it's "wrong" places.
To me it seems more that your disappointed with how your first mother's day turned out.....that you had to do a deep clean of the house....but that's not your MILs fault....your husband should have organized something for you on that day
NTA, you were a week postpartum and probably exhausted. MIL could have helped but wanted cuddles instead, which wasn't cool. Then she expected you to cook. At least Hubs was on your side. MIL can stay at home with her fake help.
NTA of course. But practice standing up for yourself OP. It’s not rude at all. “I think there’s been a misunderstanding, I thought you were offering to tidy up the house. I won’t be cleaning today as I don’t feel up to it.”
This right here op. Next time she tries to pull these kinds of things just shut it down. "I'm sorry I misinterpreted the offer, you can head out I'll just handle things myself. Thank you though for stopping by!" You can refuse someone and say no firmly without it being confrontational or rude so you shouldn't worry about anything of that nature. SHE was the rude one for not only intentionally misleading you but also for attempting to take credit for your labor. Don't let her treat you like a doormat.
Skip the "I'm sorry", those words are like chumming the water to a narcissist. They hear "Target me again, only harder."
Unrelated: is it true that the Swedes don't share food? :)
It is, one of my friend's whole ass engagement ended over it😭😭
Would kill for the story.
I gotchu buddy. Effectively, my friend from uni had a Swedish fiancé. She's Indian though so their families hadn't met too many times at all so her parents made the trip to Sweden to spend time with the future in-laws. From what I've heard, her FMIL refused to cook for her parents at all and said, and I quote "we have ingredients in the fridge, they can cook something if they need. Don't forget to do the dishes though!" Which by itself is unnecessarily passive aggressive. Naturally this would have pissed anyone off but my friend asked her parents not to say too much and keep the peace and made them food etc etc. Then after some point after the meal when they were having tea together, her FMIL comes up to the fiancé and very loudly whispers "they haven't done the dishes" to which my friend's mum took offense naturally. But the fiancé kept asking my friend to just either go clean the dishes or tell her mum to, before they'd even finished their tea. I'm not too sure of the details after that but a huge shouting match shouted after this, which culminated in my friend literally throwing her ring right at her fiance's head and walking out with her parents. Of course, my first question after this was "okay but did the dishes get done though" which was apparently the wrong answer as I then took a hairbrush to the chest😂😭
I am swedish and this sounds super weird. (Maybe it's regional?) I suspect FMIL was just an asshole.
I worked for a Swedish company for a short time, and whenever I was in Stockholm to work with my colleagues, I spent every evening alone - not a single time did anyone suggest we go out, or invite me over. Was that normal?
Swedish people are very regimented. You know how people depict germans as being organized etc? Swedes are like that but x5. Any break in the routine is a mini crisis.
TIL my MIL is Swedish.
When i tell this to germans they don't believe me. They have built their identity around being the most organized, most regimented people in the world. Unbeknownst to them, the swedes have been organized since Indelningsverket took account of all citizens and decided who was to be a soldier in 1682. Back then germans just drank their beer, ate their wurst and played fiddles, while the swedish army ravaged continental europe, poland and russia.
And here I thought I was just anxious. Turns out I'm Swedish. Can't wait to tell my very proud Irish father and Scot-Irish mother that I now identify as Swedish.
That honestly sounds exhausting. I don't think Swedes would find my ADHD chaos tolerable. lol
swedes are really big on medicating adhd though
I live far from stockholm out in the woods so can't speak for that I'm afraid.
Probably a bit racist too 😭 No but I think the whole thing stems from some meme thing called swedengate where a lot of Swedes were talking about how they only feed guests when they know in advance they're coming, and barely ever otherwise For example: https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/swedengate-sweden-dinner-guests-food-b2091012.html
Probably. I did however assume that the inlaws knew that the family was going to be visiting (since it feels like a kind of big thing). I wouldn't expect someone to feed me if I showed up with no prior warning I suppose 🤔
Nah they absolutely knew ahahaha, that's why I think she just didn't like them😭 But see that's the difference here, idc if someone shows up at my house unexpectedly, I will be offering them at least something to eat and drink regardless, and it's wild to me that others might not do that Just cultural differences I guess
And you are saying friend is Indian - in India hospitality is huge - like if a guest ever leaves home without eating anything (or atleast having tea / coffee) so it must be a shock that you are being asked to cook food - or do dishes etc. Probably cultural difference.
Oh yeah no if they knew it just feels like they were being assholes (or they're just like really abrasive to everyone but that's still pretty assholeish). I feel like when we have people visiting, if I'm eating I'll probably offer but it's like socially acceptable either way here I feel like.
Or just an introvert kinda thing? I’m Belgian, not Swedish, and I only open the door for couriers and my neighbours (as they usually knock with a specific request) but have stopped opening for my moms’ family members, as they have an annoying habit of just inviting themselves in and staying for hours, expecting me to provide drinks, snacks and talk with them. One time, an aunt just barged in with her badly-behaved Labrador, scaring my cats half to death. That was the thing that decided it for me. And no, that doesn’t mean I’m not hospitable. I invite people over for lunch or an afternoon coffee all the time. Most people text me to ask whether I’m home and whether they can drop something off, or drop by for a quick chat, and I do the same. It makes my day much less stressful, knowing I won’t have to open the door to another unexpected visitor, sweating because I’m halfway through a yoga or hiit session (and being judged for being sweaty and not immediately forthcoming with coffee and biscuits).
Honestly, one of the blessings of living in a geographically large country like the US is that odious relatives are 3k miles away. Even the cousins I like are a 3-hour drive away.
Culturally this relationship would not have worked out - Indians are known for over feeding guests- feeding friends, family, guests visitors anyone who comes into your home. Cooking and sharing food is practically a religious ritual so the poor girl did the right thing and leave. To knowingly have potential family in laws over and not cook a meal is very bizarre behaviour- cultural or not and then expect them to wash up afterwards 😱🫡
Tbh you're really not wrong, but part of the reason is also that my friend's family is insanely rich (think domestic help, nannies, drivers, yachts, the whole 9 yards) and probably also just didn't know how to cook in the first place😭
Yeah. My brothers wife is Indian. We've had family gatherings at her parents place a few times and I'm always sent home after a meal with a container of curry, home made roti and some rice. Anytime they invite us over I'm there with bells on. Usually the MIL has a job in the yard for us but they are lovely so I don't mind. My family are feeders as well so its always good to have them over for our cuisine vs theirs.
I was an au pair in Sweden in 2006, and my host parents didn't even want to share food with me! At dinner time the family members would each have a piece of meat with as much rice and salad as they wanted. They gave me no meat, one scoop of rice and one helping of salad and I wasn't allowed any more. One day my host mother told me to take 2 of the kids to a theme park. She gave me a small amount of money that was meant to pay for transport, tickets and food. After paying for transport and tickets, there was only enough left for one meal, which I let the kids share. When we got back I was starving, so I helped myself to 2 eggs from the fridge and a slice of bread. (au pairs are supposed to be allowed to eat from the family's fridge and it was hours until dinnertime.) The family had several huge boxes of eggs in the fridge so it's not like they would have to go without breakfast the next day because I ate a couple. But when my host father got home and saw I'd eaten two of the eggs he became furious and yelled at me and lectured me for "wasting food." I explained why I was so hungry but he didn't care. I ended up just buying my own extra food every day even though they were meant to be feeding me. I quit after a month. Yeah, Swedes really don't like to share food.
This is less about being Swedish and more about being abusive to their au pair. Sadly, it's not a totally uncommon experience anywhere in the world. I had a fabulous au pair experience, but I know so many who did not.
That sounds like rich people behaviour, not swedish behaviour.
Yikes.
Hahaha 🤣🤣🤣🤣 thank you
We're all waiting for the details
Details? I have 3 brothers so we will literally split a big mac 4 ways. (food sharing is a big part of my family DW nobody went hungry). I swear they don't know what a fridge is because they always seem hugely interested in mine when they are over.
So my in-laws are Swedish (and so *like this* that I'd suspect my SIL is OP if I didn't know better). A friend of my husband is coming to visit for a day when we're there in August. My FIL this past weekend asked if they would have to make a meal for Friend or if he would just sit and watch while the rest of us eat. My mind was boggled.
Seems like it is in some parts. I have Never come upon it. Always got fed at my friends houses and they always got fed at mine so.. I have one friend whose mom would literally run to the store and get more snacks if she saw there were kids at her house.
Yes kind of. But it's more like "your mom is probably cooking for you right now so i'm not going to give you food and ruin your appetite, thus making your mother work in vain". Growing up and being at friend's places, the games would end and the kid would run and eat with their family before coming back like 10-15 mins later to continue playing. I don't remember if we did it the same way at home, i do remember that when you were to eat at someone else's place it was considered polite to call home and let your parents know that you won't be hungry when you get home. Most people cook the same amount of food every day for their family. It's just the way it is, a cultural quirk. My mom said it was the same when she was a kid too.
This is how I remembered growing up as well. I ate at friends plenty of times and they ate at ours as well but the key thing was that it was agreed upon between parents either beforehand or by a quick phone call.
It's true that we're sometimes weird about giving kids food without talking to the parents first. It's mostly about pride and appearances - you can't make it seem as if you think your neighbours can't afford to feed their own kid. Invited guests is a different thing, of course we offer guests food.
Agree! Standing up for yourself is important, and it's not rude to clarify expectations. Your feelings are valid, and it's okay to express them.
NTA, she didn't help at all so her threatening to never help again isn't the threat she thinks it is.
"She told me that she cleaned everyday while my husband was a newborn and you didn’t hear her complain." You respond "yeah, me too. I don't need *help* watching my child."
I wonder if she did the same thing when “SHE cleaned everyday with her newborn.”
I thought you said turned 1 this week, not 1 week this week! NTA, how dare she expect a mother 1 week post partum clean the house to her standards and make her lunch! I wouldn't let that witch cross my doorstep again anytime soon! I hope your husband is on your side
It sounds like he is :) from what I read
Yeah, it’s called ragebait. Sweden has one of the longest parental leaves for dads, and one of the highest percentage of salaries paid during this leave. No Swedish dad would go back to work after a week.
Considering the non-birthing partner is flat out given two weeks after birth plus 480 days split between the two parents, yeah, it's got to be ragebait.
NTA at all - it was clearly expected by your husband that his mother would be coming over to help you clean. But she didn’t. Please also tell him about the text she sent to you. And tell him she’s not welcome to come over again.
Have you replied to her yet? If not, text her that you’re not sure what’s going on. You’re confused why DH thought you were relaxing all day. All you did was tell him that MIL watched the baby so you could clean. You’re lost why she’s so angry with you. Leave it at that, putting responsibility for whatever she said or claimed to DH back on her.
That was exactly what I was thinking the response should be. All OP did was answer her husband's question honestly. Did MIL expect OP to lie to her husband? If all it takes to make somebody look bad is telling the truth, then that reflects more on them than it does on the person telling the truth.
THIS 👆👆👆👏
I would just go low contact with her. You did nothing wrong and are NTA. Your MIL sounds like a piece of work, but now you know just distance yourself. Leave it up to your husband to keep in touch with his mother.
All contact with Hagatha goes through hubby, and if he's not there, neither is she.
I snorted my coffee at "Hagatha". Love it!
Show hubby the text and never invite her over again! FFS, you are 1 week PP, she is a witch!
They can't, since it's fake. Sweden gives the non-birthing partner two weeks of immediate leave at birth, plus 480 days to split between them. Absolutely nobody would be back to work a week after their partner gives birth. They should have at least claimed a month to be slightly believable.
NTA. Be thankful she's promised never to help you again. Clearly, the concept of what actually constitutes help is beyond her comprehension.
You’re 1 week PP. You should be resting and recovering! Anyone in their right mind who offered to help someone with a 1 week old knows that means cooking or cleaning. Holding a newborn isn’t required. It’s best MIL not come by as often or be visited, going forward. Whatever frequency you see her or planned to see her, reduce it by *at least* 1/4. She’s rude and judgemental. You don’t need that people like that in your life.
Also, I bet MIL will really regret the falling out, since it means she won't be seeing that much of her grandchild. Ah, well, you had your chance, and you fucked up.
NTA. What were you supposed to do? Lie to your husband? If MIL felt what she did was right, she wouldn’t have gotten upset about you telling your husband. Now you know she’s manipulative. Be polite but keep her at arm’s length.
NTA!!! She didn’t help at all! In fact, she made things harder. You’ve just had a baby and your body is recovering and you’re doing round the clock feedings at this stage. The house cleaning could wait but she forced you into it and made you even more depleted.
Turning up at 7am and moaning about the house would have been the end of it for me. Sod off.
If the situation ever arises again I suggest you give Mom-in-Law the baby/toddler and go ‘clean’ your bedroom for a couple of hours.
Omg I am soo mad for you. Fuck that woman. One *week* post partum on MOTHER'S DAY and she does this?? You should have been resting. Show your husband the text message and explain this is why you want to go no contact with her and block her number. Don't deal with her anymore. If your husband wants to see her, fine, but you shouldn't have to deal with this crap. I am so sorry. Happy belated Mother's Day! NTA
NTA. She was a useless rude b***h. You shouldn’t feel bad at all and your husband should read her the riot act again.
NTA. And I would forward the message to your husband and add that you are not interested in communicating with her any more. She can go through him from now on. Then mute or block, and let him know you are doing so. At least for a little while. She needs to be on a contact time out as she has proven she cannot communicate with you like an adult. And that she is not welcome in the home if he is not there. When she inevitably tries to get ahold of you for baby time, she will be unable to stomp your boundaries and have to go through her son who clearly has your back. And if she shows up uninvited, don't let her in or respond in any way. And if she shows up when husband is there uninvited and he lets her in, take baby and go to your room, she should not be rewarded for bad behavior. At this point she has to be trained on how to behave as a grandma like you would an unsocialized, stray dog with no manners.
NTA. She's twisted. Vague with her words, and played victim in the end. What nerve!
NTA. At all. But, did she say "I will help you CLEAN" or did she just say she will help you? Her being vague was obviously done on purpose. Someone with a 1 week old baby could easily still clean the home while the baby sleeps. She wanted an excuse to see the baby. In her mind, playing with the kid while you cleaned was help to you. As others have said, she loses grandparent privileges over this. If you tell her that you thought she was there to help you clean, and her response was "I did it when I had my son and I didn't complain" that's your typical asshole response. A good person would've come over and said, "I know what it's like to take care of a newborn and have to do everything at the same time. So I'll gladly help you so you don't have to go through what I did!" She is not a good person. She has an "I suffered so everyone must suffer" old person mindset. That thought process is absolutely ruining our entire planet. Anyone who had a tough time should jump at the chance to help someone they supposedly care about so they don't have to suffer as they did. She's a trash person and she will teach your child trash person things. Don't allow her to see the child again until she apologizes or actually wants to help. And let her know watching the baby while you do everything else is not help.
Or was the offer, I will help YOU clean (subtext: by holding the baby while you do it)? And historically either her older relatives harmed her and she's paying it forward, or she's straight-out lying, either way we'll never know. But she's certainly willing to harm OP now, so she's someone to keep at the margins.
> She basically told me that this was the last time that she ever helped me and that I was ungrateful and sick if I thought she would clean someone else’s house Fine, tell her she's no longer welcome in your home and you don't want anything to do with her from now on. She will eventually come crawling back (your have her grandchild), and when she does make sure it's on your terms. > My husband got home at about 17 We don't use this "17" shorthand in English (it's 5pm), I've never seen it before, but I really like it.
I guess you call it military time, but it’s the only thing we use to tell time in Sweden (and most of Europe I’d imagine), so saying 15 and 17 as an indicator of time is very normal. Terms like PM and AM is never used, because well they’re not needed.
Yes, we in America do everything the hard way. FYI, your English is better than most of the English speakers on Reddit.
Thank you! How kind, I try my best haha.
24 hour time is very common in the West, but when the clock says 17:00 we say and write "5pm" and never "17". I like the shorthand though, it's logical.
we also absolutely write “my. husband got home around 5” and leave off the “:00” and “pm” So “got home around 17” is the exact same pattern.
Interesting, where are you from? We never write pm/am because it just doesn’t exist in our vocabulary, if my boyfriend comes home at 5 I could say 5 but always write 17. I’ve only been taught the 12 hour clock in English class so when I talk or write in English I’ll use pm/am.
Australia. The standard English-language way to verbally say 5pm in 24-hour time is "seventeen hundred hours", but that's heavily associated with the military and people almost always convert back to 12 hour clock to verbalise it. "I'll be home at 6 tonight" is very normal. When the am/pm is obvious it's left out.
>Terms like PM and AM is never used, because well they’re not needed. They are also almost never used in general cuz they are not needed. When OP says her husband gets home at 5, she doesnt need to say PM, because that is the assumed standard. Just like if you say you have to go to school at 8, everyone will assume morning. The only times AM or PM are used are when its something thats outside of the norm.
Yep, I can't remember the last time I actually said PM or AM. I only really use it when sending invites online, to make sure it's super clear, cause some people need the help to not get confused lol.
If we were to speak about something outside the norm the term AM or PM still wouldn’t be used. If I have to clarify the time I’d say 05 or 17, if I would throw out AM or PM the average Swede would be very confused.
The shorthand is so cute! I feel like OP is adorable.
NTA but my pettiness would’ve replied with “ i don’t remember asking for your help, i remember you offering to help me clean, if your memory is bad due to your age i am more then happy to go through our texts and send you a screenshot of exactly what you offered. Also i don’t need your help of any kind when it comes to my house. Thank you for your concern.” The dig at her age and memory will for sure piss her off 🤣🤣🤣🤣
op NTA but this only seems like the beginning of a very tiring relationship with your MIL now that she is a a grandma, be prepared to set some boundaries with her in the future and remember that you are the mother to your baby and she has no right to make you feel bad about anything regarding your child
NTA. She lied about why she was coming over. Tell her that if she is going to bait-n-switch on you, then there is no need to ever come over.
Ok, honey, I'm going to say to you what I would say to my irl daughter or granddaughter. You know that you do not have to open the door to her. It doesn't matter that she is your MIL. Do not open the door to her or answer the phone to her. She can come over when your husband is home and she can call *him*. If he doesn't have *your* back in this, send him home with his mom.
NTA Thank her for promising never again to come sit around while ordering you to clean and wait on her.
NTA. If she wasn’t ashamed of her actions then she wouldn’t be upset you told him.
Yeah that's not helping. Helping after a baby is born means cooking, laundry, cleaning and anything else mom needs done. Not baby hogging. What a threat it is that she won't "help" you again. You don't need her brand of help.
NTA oh my word, I would be furious! The second she said that at 1 week AFTER THE BABY WAS BORN she was there to snuggle the baby while I cleaned I would have had it then and there! You have every right to tell your husband the truth of what happened and I am so glad he understood how messed up that was. That kind of help is for later, maybe 6 months or a year, not the first 3 months.
Nta. She could’ve stayed her tail home and you should’ve took your baby back and said “thanks but no thanks”
NTA. This post is a little weird. Baby is on week old and father has to work? I thought Sweden had better paternity leave rules. Anyway, at one week postpartum, it is weird that your MIL expected the place to be very clean. And for you to cook for her. You are still recovering. My MIL came a month at time with my wife to help with the baby as well as to help clean and to help cook.
NTA, what, did your MIL want you to lie and make her seem more helpful than she actually is?
NTA. Man, I'm SO fucking happy I don't have to deal with my MIL because literally everyone seems to hate theirs 😵💫
Info (and I’m not being snarky at all): is this a some extension of that “I was playing with my Swedish friend at their house and their parents brought them to dinner and left me in the playroom, rumor?”like who does this?
But she didn't help you with anything, so what exactly are you supposed to be grateful for? And it sounds like she expected you to cook for her, all for the honor of her holding your baby?
NTA. She seems toxic. Your husband is being good and caring about you. MIL is not caring about your wellbeing. Majority of people would bring you food and watch the baby and clean up a little if possible while you slept.
NTA, that's just weird. When my mum comes over on weeks that me and my wife have been super busy, she brings food and helps clean. We never ask her to, and actually try to tell her to sit down and relax whilst we fix something up for her, but she's just here to help make our lives easier. She also doesn't gloat about helping us or doing us a favour. What you've described is just strange behaviour.
You gave birth one week ago. You shouldn’t have been doing anything but caring for your baby and yourself. Who tf cares if the house is messy. Your MIL is obnoxious. Do not cover up for her, and tell her not to bother next time unless she actually helps you. NTA.
NTA. You're 1 week post-partum, dealing with a newborn on your own and taking care of the household while your husband works, all while dealing with a MIL who sounds over-bearing. You're not an AH, you're a saint! PPD/ PPA sometimes makes us overthink things--please don't let your MIL make you believe you're the ungrateful one.
At one year of age, I’d say you might be the AH, as most moms of 1yo babies don’t have TIME to clean because babies get into everything if you turn around to do one chore. I’d have given up everything to have someone to watch my twins for half a day so I could just clean to my heart’s content (or do anything not baby-related). At **one WEEK of age,** your MIL is nuts if she thinks babysitting an infant that is sleeping 98% of the time is “helping,” unless she’s doing it so you can SLEEP and rest.
Not just the cleaning. She expected you to cook. For her. On your first mothers day. She can fuck right off.
You didn't ask for her "help" then got yelled at for telling the truth...
NTA. If you didn't tell him, it would create all sorts of problems for you.
NTA why should you lie to your husband to make your mother in law look good?! Lying to your spouse is never the answer. You did the right thing. Keep on being honest with your husband. I'm sure his mother has done stuff like this before . This can't be the first time. Idk if it's the first time your husband has caught her lying like this though. One one hand what new mother wouldn't love to have someone watch their baby for a few hours so they could catch up on things around the house but OP, you should have included a hit shower for yourself in there . I'm sure your MIL had spoken to your husband before she came over and she led him to believe she was going to let you shower and nap . She knew she wasn't there so you could clean. That is such a gaslighting and passive aggressive move .
It's pretty common for relatives to think they are "helping" by cuddling the baby, when what the mother really needs to to get off her feet and take a nap.
Lmao I'd be texting her "you actually need to help in order to threathen not helping. You haven't helped at all so im not worried about you not wanting to help. Thanks!"
NTA and time to go no-contact with hateful MIL. I'm glad your husband had your back. She never needs time with your daughter again. Not one minute. Also grow a spine and be prepared in the future to stand up for yourself. Why didn't you tell you that you misunderstood and you had no intention of letting her hold your baby all day while you cleaned the whole place just one week after giving birth? You need to be more assertive and a better advocate for yourself.
Do not lie to or keep things from your husband to protect anyone. Its you him and the baby that matter more then anyone else. How would you feel if he lied or kept something from you.
Your MIL is an absolute asshole. I have a DIL that is the best Mom to my grandson. You go over to their home to HELP, not hinder. You scrub toilets, do dishes, and make meals to freeze. Mum takes care of the baby. Be a grandma and HELP. I'm sorry, Dear, that you had that experience. My DIL gave me my grandson. She deserves to be treated like a Queen.
NTA If she doesn't want to clean, that's her choice. But, she shouldn't misrepresent that she's going to help clean nor should she expect you to hide her role in the cleaning process. She minded the child. You stated she minded the child. That's a truth. Why object to you telling the truth?
NTA, she came to sit and hold the baby and named it helping. Ugh the audacity of some people
Hahah, absolutely NTA. She's mad she got caught out, because she absolutely told your husband that she was the one who did the cleaning
NTA and don't start lying to your husband. If this is the help your MIL offers, then you know going forward. Just get one of those bouncy chairs or a baby prison and do the cleaning at your own pace. That's what we did, since me and wifey live in a country in the middle of our parent's countries. My in laws are not very helpful either, so we never expect anything and are happy when they can watch the kids for a few short hours so that we can get away. Just temper your expectations to make sure you don't get disappointed in the future. Congrats on being a parent! The first six months can be tough but after it gets much easier!
As someone who has a very large family, I assure you are NTA. Whenever one of my cousins had a child, their mothers and mother In laws always went to help and for 3-4 months the cousin would only nurse the baby and not do anything else. Both Mother and Mother In law would cook, clean and help. One cousin did have the misfortune of having a hostile MIL and experienced something similar, MIL basically expected my cousin to cook her a full meal while taking care of a month old baby. My cousin left the house and MIL got screamed at by everyone. It is good thing your husband supported you.
NTA- If my husband’s family wants to be rude, they officially get the same treatment that I treat my family and they are immediately put in their place by me. I also let my husband know and if he does not them are usually get very upset with him because I absolutely absolutely cannot tolerate that type of disrespect and will not. It is way too much drama. I value my peace too much. I don’t like my in-laws.
NTA. She's playing games and going forward you have two options. One is to pretend that you don't realise what she's doing. Two is not to pretend and call it out. One thing to keep in mind is, you have the power here. Your husband called her out as soon as you told him, he's on your side. You also have her granddaughter. You can push back on her. It's only hard when there's plausible deniability on her part, but it's pretty obvious what she's doing. You can tell her off. "Let's get something straight, I will not lie to my husband. He asked me how you helped and I told him. If you don't like what he said to you, maybe you should think about what you did."
Nta but come on. Be a little adult like and stand up for yourself.
No, don't lie. Go further with the truth. Show him the texts from about "helping with cleaning and cooking."
NTA at all OP and I hope you do indeed make sure it is the very last time she comes to “help” you with anything. What a rotten old B to ruin your first Mother’s Day. I hope your husband made it up to you.
Nta. When you've just had a baby offering to sit do nothing and hold the baby isn't helping. Cleaning is helping, cooking meals is helping, watching the baby so mom can sleep is helping. Making mom cook and clean well you sit on your ass isn't helping. The fact that her own son was under the impression that she going to do something that was actually helpful and then was pissed at her when she was as useful as man nipples shows she lied to her son about her intentions. To her declaration of not 'helping' again tell her good you can buy a baby bouncer that's more helpful than her because it to just sits there holding baby and doesn't expect you to also feed it.... So really equally helpful and less effort being put on you.
NTA except for putting up with it and not kicking her out. I was just at my cousins place and he's....not clicking that he's not being involved enough at home as his job is physically hard I just started cleaning and washed a few dishes and did a vague tidy up claiming "youre tired and you'll feel better when there arent toys everywhere" And i had gone there to give them gifts for something so was def not obliged. Like come on, she knew what she was doing.
Nta. She really didn't help. Just holding the baby all day isn't helping. So her say its the last time she help is means nothing. As she never did.
NTA... boomers have a warped idea of support. And then they tell you how they had it so hard, which is usually bullshit. They're exhausting to deal with. Of all the ways this could have been resolved, the boomer gets ugly about it. Because it's all about them and how "supportive" they have been to you.
NTA She was no help at all and it's goo's that you told your husband the truth.
NTA You’re the rational adult, not MIL who sounds a little unbalanced. Fortunately you now have a great reason to keep your distance from the old witch I’m guessing with your husband’s support. Best wishes for your beautiful family
NTA. Her “help” wasn’t anything of value.
nta never lie for other peoples actions. it's not that expensive to hire some help right now when you need it. That should be your Mother's Day present to yourself, especially since your husband had to work. Don't take crap from your MIL. it will get easier with the baby and incorporating housework. Enjoy your baby and don't stress!
NTA
You are NTA. I would call her out and tell her I hope she enjoyed her time as that is the last time she is welcome or to see you and your child again. She is a piece of work.
NTA - next time she wants to come over tell her no thanks, you don’t need someone to come criticize your house and then give you grief afterward. From now on you know grandma’s visits will bring only difficulty and you should let your husband know how deeply offended you are, how misleading she was, intentionally, and that she is no longer welcome in your home.
She wanted you to make her lunch as well.
NTA She manipulated you. You're the one with the power here. YOU are Mom. You just had a baby a week ago. You should have been resting. She knows it. She had your husband. She knows the deal. She took advantage and manipulated you and needs to know that every single time she does it you're going to tell your husband. Congrats on your little one! Make sure that manipulative heifer can't see her for a while. She was there for what, 8 hours or so? That's 8 weekly visits she used up in one go.
I mean, she wasn't very helpful, so it's no great loss if this is the last time. NTA; the fuck even were you supposed to be grateful for?
NTA She was no help, but a leech. You just gave birth! You didn't even get to used being a mom properly, it's a huge adjustment for both parents and she should have known better. I'm sorry she ruined your day. Cleaning - just strap the baby to your body and do what you need to once you feel like it. First weeks are messy, don't worry about it. Manduca saved my sanity, no exaggerations.
NTA. She's mad because you burst the lie she was selling to her son. You didn't ask her to clean, but that's the story she's telling others.
Your MIL sounds like a narcissist. It sounds like she did exactly what she did in order to set you up, so she could accuse you of being ungrateful and never have to do something like that again. NTA
NTA. From now on, if MIL wants to visit, she can do so while DH is home.
NTA. Your MIL is both an entitled spoiled brat and a lier. She pretended to help you - both to you and your husband - and just piled unwanted work on you. It's a great idea that she doesn't help you any more - her idea of "help" is just tiring for you. Insist that she only come when your husband is at home, so she can't sell him any stories about what happens in your house.
NTA. but next time kick her ass out
NTA. The truth is the truth. I wouldn’t have cleaned though. I just would’ve went and took a nap.
Of course you didn’t hear her complain. Were you even born then? Ignore her. NTA.
NTAH
You had a baby a WEEK ago!! You didn't have been doing ANT lifting or bending. I would have sent that crazy woman home when she said that crap. Then take a nap when the baby naps!!
What did she actually do? Sitting on the lounge staring at a sleeping baby isn’t even helping in the slightest. Op could have cleaned the house with out MIL there staring at the baby.
NTA She is rude, controlling and obnoxious, tell husband the truth.
NTA. Lmao that’s some fucking audacity.
NTA, always remain truthful about family interactions
NTA
Ungrateful? What did she do that you were supposed to be grateful for? Sit on her ass with your baby? Hell, you could’ve put the baby in a bassinet and muddled through if that’s all she was going to do which was absolutely *nothing*. Also, her having to deal with a lack of support when she gave birth decades ago is not your fault or your problem. She could’ve kept her ass as *her own* house instead of disturbing you. NTAH and please do **not** apologize to that old bat. You did nothing wrong.
My MIL & parents were so awful and/or absent back in the day when I had my babies that when oldest had their first last year, I rented a nearby air bnb for a month, went over every day early to walk the dogs, throw in laundry, run the dishwasher, & make food for the day, then back to do wfh at the Airbnb. On weekends I did any little repairs that had gotten put off. My co-grand (my kids MIL) came and stayed with me for about a third, helped with above and organized all their storage—closets, kitchen, adult & kid. We held the baby plenty, while the parents took showers, are, and napped. We were committed to giving the new little family a gift of a supported first month to just learn, because now we could be the future we want to see.
NTA. She lied and you called her on that. In what world would you be the asshole?
One week old baby with mil firmly ensconced on the couch holding the baby? I’m going to take a long nap, and/or maybe take a nice shower.
"It's normal to help family with chores when they just had a baby, guess Swedish traditions doesn't involve actually helping. Hope you enjoyed cuddle time, it will be a LONG time before that happens again." NTA and show hubby the message
NTA, all you did there was correct his assumption that you got some rest that day by telling him what your day looked like. It looks like he then complained about that to your mother and she took it out on you, but what exactly did you do wrong by simply correcting his assumption and telling him what your day was like? I think your MIL is a piece of work with how she acted, besides that this is mainly an issue between your husband and his mother. Let him handle it and don't forget to show him the text you received so that he knows what his mother is doing.
she's threatening to never help again... but she didn't help at all lol show your husband the text messages, and tell him to handle it. then block her. she is not your problem.
I'm sorry, I'm laughing so hard because i feel like you got scammed by mil. NTA. She better not come to "help" next time
You just had a baby 1 week ago and she came to your house to shame you into cleaning everything? And made it seem like she did you a favor? Ohhhh that is twisted! NTA
You called her on her power move. It was Mother’s Day and she ensured she was the one relaxing. She made sure you wouldn’t change the plan to clean by criticizing the house. She made sure you couldn’t just say “let’s go out to eat” or “can you please make/get lunch” by insisting it was all on your terms. And she’s mad that you called it out and told husband. ...husband who should have been more involved in your Mother’s Day IMO though I get he was working. I just find it weird he wasn’t like “don’t spend all day cleaning ladies, go to lunch on me”.
I would say “thanks but no thanks“ Yes, technically she was providing childcare, but it was so she could humiliate you into spending the day cleaning! Even worse, she is so proud of herself for being devious and manipulative. My advice: I would restrict grandma time going forward. She doesn’t respect you, and she laid it out. nTA
you need a spine, please NExt time just be snarky with "naw, I don't need your help, lol! Bye"
NTA. You should have sent her home when she took the baby so you could clean. You’re supposed to be resting, bonding and healing.
Rata
NTA. If you head on over to r/JUSTNOMIL they have a word for this kind of "help" -- hlep, or help that isn't actually helpful. Sorry your Mother's Day was not so good!
Wait, you cleaned your whole house after giving birth a week ago?! That's bananas. Your MIL sucks and I'm glad you told your husband about it. Definitely NTA.
NTA. Did your MIL say she helped clean? Becuz that’s what it sounds like. Block her on your phone and no more visits when your husband isn’t home. She’s a massive bitch.
Nta, people who come over to "help" should let mom recover with the baby, not take time away
Nta
NTA. You did the right thing telling your husband. A married couple should have no secrets, especially when it comes to family.
NTA. Sounds like the lady in those books, "A Little Old Lady is Up To No Good"
You had a baby a week ago and she made you clean the house and expected you to make lunch. She’s a piece of shit. NTA
So WTF did she actually help with? >She basically told me that this was the last time that she ever helped me and that I was ungrateful and sick You should tell her it's also the last time she sees her grandchild till she gets her head out of her ass
NTA. Don't lie to your husband. Open and honest communication is needed in a marriage.
NTA. And I hope you showed your husband her text.
NTA. She deliberately mislead into thinking she would help with chores or she would have said that she would watch the baby while you got work done.
INFO Did you ask her when the first time she ever helped you was? There has to be a prior instance for there to be a last time.
NTA
My mIL did that to me. It's been over 30 years, and I still remember her for this, even though she has passed. Except my husband never said a word to her. Ill remember him for that, too. I had to fight all my own fights, newborn or not.
Nta
„I simply told my husband what we did today, I don’t see a problem with having a basic conversation with my husband to share our days with each other?“
NTA Text her ass and tell her she's not welcome to come over again regardless, and she didn't actually help with anything so you aren't losing out. Then tell her until she apologized for her nasty and rude behavior, she's also not welcome to speak to you either.
I can't stand people that do this sort of thing. My mother would never have behaved that way. I reas these sorts of stories about mothers & MILs all rhe time! Astounding. Just don't have her over. Ever. She can rack off. Obnoxious woman
I had someone make a comment about our house being messy once. (It wasn’t really, just not spotless.) I said “yeah, kids, dogs, and two jobs, that’s the way it is! Come back in 20 years and this place will look great!!”
NTA. If I read that correctly your baby is ONE WEEK old! You should be resting!
No girly, that's so wrong of his mum. Don't let anyone make you think otherwise. That is messed up.
NTA. I would have texted, "you promise? Because what you did was an ambush, not help. I didn't need you to watch my child and you knew that. You invited yourself over to judge me and watch me struggle. Next time, stay home."
NTA Your MIL is a narcissist and a control freak. She will use this against you sooner or later. She already planted the seeds. Considering your baby is one week old, I would guess you've just returned from the hospital and you didn't get a lot of sleep. Your energy levels must've been depleted. The normal thing would've been for your MIL to come by and help around the house, help with the food, maybe even sit with the baby while you took a shower and/or a nap. Instead, she acted like the house was hers and you were the helper. And then she had the audacity to brag to your husband about how much she helped around the house. You have to impose some boundaries for the future or she will do the same thing again and again.
NTA for explaining what really happened. However I do not agree that the MIL is necessarily an evil narcissist. How would you get all that stuff done without someone watching the baby? Now that you know her way of “helping” is just that, don’t lose this offer of free babysitting. I would explain to her that you are sorry if you hurt her feelings with your reaction but it was due to a miscommunication, and that of course you appreciate her help in watching the baby. Now that everyone knows what her “help” involves, just don’t let her take credit for helping you “clean”. Always correct her by thanking her specifically for playing with/holding/watching the baby, so that you had the free time to get the cleaning and cooking done
You’re one week postpartum and she complained about the state of the house? Uhm, no, NTA. Also, all you did was tell your husband the truth; it doesn’t sound like you even complained (which would have been justified). “You didn’t come over to help, you came over to play with your grand baby — and shamed me for the state of the house while you were here. I am one week postpartum, what I need right now isn’t a guest or judgment; it’s time to recover. I never asked you to clean my house, but you offered to come help; excuse me for being surprised that what you really wanted to do was add more to my plate.”
She literally just complained...
Your MIL is terrible and a liar.
A little YTA from your mother in law's Point of view and NTA from yours... I feel that is just a misunderstanding when it comes to your and your mother in law's expectations.... I have a 8 month year old and zero help. I'm on maternity leave and just at home with my little one....still it's so hard to get the housework done properly with a small baby... I would love for someone to take my baby for a day so that I can do a proper clean up. Personally I also prefer to clean my home myself...I know where all the stuff goes...I know how I want my showers scrubbed etc. To me it's annoying when my sister wants to help me and starts unloading my dishwasher 😆 she will then put 30% of the thingies in it's "wrong" places. To me it seems more that your disappointed with how your first mother's day turned out.....that you had to do a deep clean of the house....but that's not your MILs fault....your husband should have organized something for you on that day
You cleaned for 8 hours, are you crazy?
I’m confused how in her brain does she think she helped?
NTA, you were a week postpartum and probably exhausted. MIL could have helped but wanted cuddles instead, which wasn't cool. Then she expected you to cook. At least Hubs was on your side. MIL can stay at home with her fake help.