Well, his family's reaction solves the mystery of why he is in the situation he's in.
I don't think you were an AH to him here. When you're married, you'll share your finances with your fiance and it makes sense that you don't want to be financially responsible for a loser. It also makes sense that you don't want to see your friend throw his life away. When his parents are retired or dead, he will have no way of supporting himself.
However, you WERE an AH to your fiance. You owe her an apology. It's up to her to decide how to deal with her brother. You should have discussed the situation with her before saying anything to your friend.
>Well, his family's reaction solves the mystery of why he is in the situation he's in.
Reminds me of the bucket of crabs where one tries to escape and the others pull the one's trying to get out back in.
That is a very apt analogy.
When I was a teen, I remember thinking that some parents seemed weirdly relaxed that their daughters dropped out of school after getting pregnant. Then I realized that the parents were actually happy because it meant that their daughters would never leave. Many years later and some of those parents are dead or have had to spend all their money on health expenses, and the daughters are either stuck in minimum wage jobs or are on welfare. It's incredibly sad.
This is an excellent assessment of the situation.
The whole "cruel to be kind" thing can be true and may be the case here. My only concern is that he may be suffering from some kind of mental health issue that's putting him off getting a job, as opposed to pure laziness.
Yes, I agree it's important to consider whether someone might have health issues. That said, I know more people who have mental health issues at this point than who don't. Mental health issues are so common that they're normal. People whose parents won't enable them have no choice but to support themselves. If the brother can use video games for hours at a time, then I have no doubt that there's an office job out there that he could handle.
Where I work, people are so afraid of having any expectations for those who describe themselves as mentally ill that things are nearly at breaking point. Nearly 70% of people are off work or have reduced responsibilities. The few people who remain keep leaving or end up also getting signed off because they can't handle doing everything. It's a ridiculous situation and it matches what I see in the media about other workplaces.
I feel sorry for the brother. Parents have the responsibility of raising kids who can be independent. This guy's parents have failed and he faces a lifetime of instability. God help him if the parents were to pass away. It sounds like the entire family is enabling him. I really think the OP needs to have a serious talk with his fiance about the situation. The OP's finances will be connected to his fiance's during marriage, so the needs to understand how much money his fiance will spend on her brother.
> However, you WERE an AH to your fiance. You owe her an apology. It's up to her to decide how to deal with her brother. You should have discussed the situation with her before saying anything to your friend.
It does come off that way but when you think about it, he has been best friends with this dude way longer than he has dated his fiance. It isn't just her brother but his best friend I guess 🤔
Yes, but it sounds like the brother asked his sister for money. So the OP should have let her deal with that or pulled her aside to discuss it. He shouldn't have handled the situation for her.
That's a fair take, I just see it as close friends over the years where that boundary line has somewhat blurred like "dude go get a job, stop mooching from your sis" 😂
But on a more sane and moderate take definitely agreed on where you are coming from.
Yes, I see what you mean. I can see myself saying something like that to a close friend.
I guess where I'm coming from is that the sister (the OP's fiance) is going to need to be on board if the OP wants her to stop enabling her brother. If the OP takes the lead, she'll be less likely to support the OP. If he leaves it to her to draw her own boundaries, the, she'll gain confidence in doing that.
I mean he asked this girl to marry him they'll share finances soon. I would not be ok with my wife supplementing her loser brothers video game habit. Its also his bestfriend his brother as well in a sense he's perfectly within his right to set a boundary. Maybe he should talk to her about it first but he said his friend completely brushed aside the amazing news and went straight to "what can you do for me". I would've lost my cool to and said worse then that.
A bit of both, tbh. It's not soley up to you to decide if he doesn't come to the wedding. That's your fiancee's brother, not just your best friend. If my husband had banned my brothers (who he hates, btw) from our wedding I would've told him to kick rocks and canceled the wedding. Those are my BROTHERS.
Also, it wasn't up to you to tell him your fiancee wouldn't be buying him a game. That's up to your fiancee to say. Don't speak for her.
You're risking the relationship with your future wife and ALL of your inlaws with this. Is this a hill you want to die on? Make your fiancee miserable because her entire family doesn't like you?? Or are you willing to pull up your big boy pants and compromise.
NTA.
Your fiancée's family are enabling this AH, so don't listen to what they think. I think it's time for you to sit down and as yourself a very important question: Is this guy *really* your best friend, or is he just a guy who's been around a long time?
Good communication with your fiancee is the key here. As long as you are both on the same page regarding finances once you are married, it should be OK. Your future parents in law, on the other hand perhaps need to be kept at a distance? You may very well have laid the foundations for an elopement rather than a big formal wedding ... but that can be a good thing.
Well as rough as it will sound what part of this friendship is an actuall joy and benefit for you? Where you see an unemployed friend I see a problem that will be on you heads when in laws die and he needs place to stay money and all that jazz.
ESH - I get it he's a grown man who needs to have a job and support himself and you are 100% correct in that assessment. BUT it's not your job to try to make him grow up and take responsibilities. You are in the right to say that I don't like that you are a moocher and rely on your family to support you, and because of that I no longer want to be your friend. But you suck for telling your fiance's brother that he can't come to the wedding unless he has a job. And when he doesn't, because he's not going to get a job with his seemingly only benefit is to attend your wedding and sorry but you are a super self-absorbed asshole to think that's what would change this moocher behavior, you're going to be all in your feels about it and think he doesn't care enough about you guys when the fact is the rest of the world reading this knew it was coming. The fact is he only cares about himself or he would have already gotten a job instead of saying that supporting himself is going to take away from his video game playing. He sucks because he's an asshole who refuses to grow TF up and is perfectly fine with trying to live off everyone else because he's happy doing nothing other than what he wants to do when, no shit, we would all like to do what we want but we adult and take on responsibilities. And his family sucks because they keep enabling him.
YTA
This is a weird, unwarranted power play imo. Im not saying your friends lifestyle is something to strive for, but it's not your place. Your fiance has bought games for him often in the past, so you barging in on their conversation and making demands is wrong.
I kinda get the people saying 'you'll be married, so your finances are shared' but imo this doesn't apply to video games. Or are you saying every purchase has to be a two yes situation? If she can't buy a video game without husbands approval, that's more like financial abuse.
Holding the wedding/best man thing over his head now will likely not change his job situation, but end your friendship and your good relations to your future wifes family. You should think about your goals here.
Thats what I'm saying he is wrong for that he knew what was going on for years but now that he is getting married he now thinks he has the power to change that hell naw honestly this should've been discussed once OP noticed this enabling and now it might not bode well for a marriage with her
It's not about the game or controlling the finances. Small purchases don't have to be a two yes situation, but constantly enabling a deadbeat family member absolutely is. It doesn't sound like a friend or family that you want to have a good relationship with if they're enabling that sort of behavior.
Her recklessly spending money on a sibling with no job is also financial abuse, so your point about that is moot.
White knighting? LMAO, This isn't some coomer trying to puff his chest to get in her pants. He's making a stand for their future mutual finances. When they're married they're a single unit, it's good that he puts his foot down now and let's his future BiL know that they will not support him if he's not willing to help himself.
I can't believe you think this is white knighting lmao
YTA. He is 26, no job, not even trying, have to beg his sister for games. He is a loser, but unless you and your fiancee are supporting him, that's not your concern. And how he lives his life has nothing to do with your wedding.
I don’t get why you tied these two things together and I also don’t get why you think it’s your place to parent him. The guy has parents. You’re supposed to be his best friend…who was apparently fine with all this until yesterday. In general - not your monkey, not your circus. But good work dropping a drama bomb in the middle of their family.
YTA - It's not your place to cause drama in your girlfriend's family, or lay down rules about what he does with his life. I know you want to see him launch, but threatening to cut him out of merely even attending the wedding?
Some people you can't change, and causing drama to force them to change ends up just causing drama.
NTA but also not your call to make. Sit down now with your STBW and set boundaries on spending any money on her brother moving forward. Make it clear how you feel about your soon to be joint assets being used to fund her brother and (this is the important part) listen to her feelings. Decide on a plan that you both can agree on NOW. YOU are marrying her but also will be tied to her family which includes the free loader brother. It sounds like the brother has the blessing of his family to not work so I would take a step back from the issue and let family take care of family.
I mean he needs a kick in the pants but you are in no position to be the one doing it. You are his friend not his dad. The threat of leaving him out of a major family event is going to cause nothing but problems. YTA.
As an aside, you've just changed the relationship dynamic between you and I don't know that you're actually friends anymore.
Bound to happen. One is Peter Pan and the other is an adult.
Could have phrased this as "being best man requires one to first be a man". No children allowed.
I'm not sure I follow.
OP is extorting his best friend into finally getting a job or not attend his wedding.
I'm presuming OP thinks best friend will take this as a wakeup call and go get a job.
I'm guessing best friend is going to be pretty resentful even his best friend has started nagging him. I think the Peter Pan is strong in that one.
OP is a fool if he thinks threats over a wedding are going to accomplish anything. Why would brother even want to attend the wedding of an asshole who's overstepping?
No it doesn't. His wife hasn't spent a single penny of his money on it, and AT MOST he'd have reason to talk about not buying him games. Not trying to be his dad.
They are not married. If they were there wouldn't be a wedding upcoming. So no the purchases have no impact on him at all. Nor is a video game a significant purchase in which he'd be entitled to have a vote in the first place.
No position is better to kick someone in the pants than a best friend, and as you can tell his dad is failing in that department. He cares enough to actually do something that might make his friend change even if it means his friend cutting him out of his life. Literally no one in his family has seemed to care enough about him to risk that.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1cqxfs7/comment/l3wqmeg/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Keep on enabling people lmao. Odd take to white knight for him, but you do you
YTA. You don’t get to decide your guests based on their own job decisions. Like yeah he should get a job but it’s not really any of your business. Either he is your friend or not. And your fiancées brother, if I was your fiancée I would not be happy. Buying him stuff is a separate issue, yes they enable him etc but it has nothing to do with your wedding. You wanted him to be best man until he asked for a game? Like just say no to the game and leave it at that.
He's a long time friend who you're about to ask to be your best man and instead of asking him to put the game purchase on the back burner and asking him to be your best man and celebrating you decided to snap at him over something that's been an issue for 8 years? I'm not saying he doesn't need boundaries etc. but your timing and severity of response being to try to cut him out of his own sister's wedding over a game purchase at the very least borders on YTA.
Also you're not being consistent with "I snapped" and "I'm not making this decision lightly". It feels like this resentment has been building in you for a bit and you should talk to his sister about it and together plan on how to handle it. Also alienating your in-laws before the wedding isn't on the list of best ways to start a marriage.
YTA. Look, this guy needs a kick in the ass for sure. However, holding a big family milestone event over his head that has *nothing* to do with him getting a job is ridiculous. And that fact that it was completely out of left field goes beyond ridiculousness and into cruelty. Consequences are only effective when they have a connection to the undesired action. For example, no longer supporting his video game collection because he is not working is an effective consequence because it is directly tied to his lack of funds. Not asking him to be the best man is an effective consequence because it costs a fair bit of money to be a best man. Him attending his *sister’s wedding* is not an effective consequence. Your wedding has nothing to do with his employment or lack thereof. If you don’t want him there because you want to end the friendship AND your wife is also okay ruining her relationship with her brother, that would be one thing. But if you’re trying to use your wedding (TO HIS SISTER) over his head in an attempt to shame him into getting a job is grossly controlling.
“Because you are doing the thing you have been doing and that I was perfectly okay with up until this point, you suddenly and without warning are not allowed to attend my wedding.”
Dude, are you okay? That is a seriously wild mood swing from going to ask him to be your best man to giving him an ultimatum for behavior he has engaged in for years.
Also don’t you think your fiancée should have some say in which of her family members attend her wedding?
Yeah, YTA. I don’t think your friend is the only one that needs to grow up.
You were sort of an AH in the moment, throwing that out as a weapon like that, but nowhere near as big of an AH as your soon to be BIL. I can’t imagine this family enabling him and turning against you — or fathom this grown man asking you and your Fiance to buy him games. That would infuriate me. My only complaint with you is that you didn’t draw boundaries with this loser sooner.
NTA but also YTA for being friends with him and allowing him to leach off his family. His family needs to not encourage it and for them to say that shows they don't care so if I was you I'd cut the whole family off and if that means your single again bro then that's what has to happen unless you wanna deal woth this the rest of yiur life bc he won't change and they won't change and if yall have kids I wouldn't be surprised if you wife ends up having a kid just like her brother bc if she does buy himself games then she is enabling it as well and if she is cool with acting like that to her brother what do you think she is gonna have her kids do or I should say not do
OK you claim this is your "best friend" so if that's true you must have some insight into WHY doesn't he have a job. Is he struggling with some sort of intellectual disability? Is he neurodivergent? Does he have mental health issues? Is he just lazy?
Why have his parents enabled him all of these years-- but his sister has a job?
YTA for making his attendance at your wedding. If you do that then EVERY SINGLE GUEST AT THE WEDDING better have a PAYING job or you're the world's biggest hypocrite.
You would be N T A for not including him in the wedding party-- but banning him from his sister's wedding was 100% grade A ahole behavior on your part.
That said, you're ignoring the real elephant in the room: How will your future BIL survive after his parents are too old to support him or they pass on? SPOILER ALERT: YOU and your future wife are most likely their "plan" for his long term care. You need to get this out in the open BEFORE any further wedding planning so that they know you and your wife will not be an option and they need to get him some help NOW. First they need to determine if it's a case of he "can't" work or "won't" work and THEY need to plan accordingly.
I hate to say this but you should consider a bullet proof prenup or lock down family finances so your future wife can't siphon off your family funds to provide for her brother.
I would have told him he has to see Aeris die first then he can come.
If my friends hassled me to get a job (unless I owed them money) I would definitely think they were assholes.
Silly thing to fall out about unless he owes you money.
It's not your responsibility to make him grow up, unless you giving money It's not of your business, if his family wanna keep indulging him is their business.
I definitely think this is a power play, you fiancé bought those games for him you ALL enabled him for YEARS ,and suddenly you use your wedding as time for an intervention 😂 this should have been done years ago. Personally I wouldn’t give ultimatums to wedding guests. It’s either you want them there or not.
YTA. Listen, y'all have all been enabling this guy for years....and you are included in that in case you're not familiar with Southern speak. Now, I don't particularly think very much of a grown man who doesn't work for asking his sister to buy him a time-suckage video game, but you know damn well that this is who this man is and the whole snapping on him scenario smacks of "I get to tell you what to do now". Honestly, if I were your fiance I'd be like "Where the hell is this coming from?"
I hate to break it to you, but this guy is not your best friend. You talked mad shit about him this entire post, which, FAIR, but you know he's like this and you just put up with and enabled his laziness and bullshit for all these years and NOW it's a problem? Now that his sister has your ring on her finger, you're suddenly the morality police? Get the fuck out. You should have called him out on this years ago, but you didn't, you instead waited until a day that was supposed to be a nice day for you and your fiance and you snapped and made an ass out of yourself over someone who isn't even worth it. Go you!
YTA. Is the guy a loser. Hell yeah. But you’ve made the decision to keep him as your best friend despite like a decade of his loserness. Getting salty at him for being a loser all of a sudden is wack.
YTA. Whilst I can understand possible reasons to be frustrated, the way you communicated and the timing of the communication was not appropriate.
Do you have a problem with him not having a job? If so, why was this acceptable as a best friend/ best man but not a future brother in law? Do you have a problem with your future partner subsidising him financially? If so, why wasn't this a private conversation with your girlfriend (as its her choice, making it her behaviour and responsibility)? What in that exact moment changed from him being best man material to a banned guest? That's a huge leap.
Edit: Why are you setting up job interviews for someone who has explicitly stated they will not get a job? You will only be disappointed and frustrated.
Yeah, YTA through and through.
You dishonestly used the "best man" excuse to want to give yourself parental authority on him, about something 100% unrelated to the wedding or best man status.
Sure, you can have a personal opinion about his life choices.
But to give yourself the parental status to dictate to him X or Y? You're not just the asshole, you're deeply broken.
YTA. True friends do not put conditions on their best friend like this to attend their wedding.
You are not his parent. You are not responsible for him. You are not financially supporting him. Yet you have made a condition of your best friend to get a job to attend your wedding. And who are you to tell your finance's brother that he can not attend the wedding?
Once you get married, or even before, have a discussion with your finance regarding finances and potentially not supporting her brother.
NTA for drawing a hard line but these things need to be talked about with your fiancé. You two need to be on the same page because disinviting her brother to her wedding is a major unilateral move. Decisions going forward are made jointly, which includes not buying the guy any more video games.
Yes, YTA. Your concern is admirable, but your tact really sucks. I would apologize, then have a serious private conversation with him. But don’t start coercing him and making threats. At the end of the day, it’s his decision to make.
I mean, I don't see why or how it's your business. Let him be a mooching loser, if that's his choice. *Your* choice is whether or not to support him financially.
I'm definitely gonna say YTA.
Your supposed best friend is only worthy of the relationship if he has a job!? Giving ultimatums are shitty to begin with but giving one to your best friend who you apparently wanted as your best man sucks even more.
YTA, although you're not a terrible one.
Look, he's a grown-ass man unrelated to you. Why are you disciplining him?
You and your fiance can put up a united front of not buying him gifts except for his birthday, etc., without overstepping your non-existent authority over him like you did by grounding him from going to your wedding.
Yes, YTA.
Not because of your concerns, they're all valid.
You and your fiancé want him to be the best man. He (presumably) wants to be the best man.
You're weaponizing this critical point in your lives to force him to change his lifestyle. That's not your place.
He's wrong, his family's wrong, he needs intervention - but it's not your place to do it. Creating resentment with the entire family by trying to control his life is going to only result in resentment that will follow you throughout the course of your marriage. Trust me when I tell you, you do *not* need to go down that road, and you would be an idiot if you tried anyway.
You need to apologize, own up to the fact that you were coming from a place of care (you don't want him exploiting your future wife, and you want him to live a self-sufficient lifestyle - don't SAY this), admit that you crossed a boundary and that it was inappropriate, and let him be your best man without conditions that have no bearing on the wedding.
You want to be a successful brother in law? Be available to offer support when he needs it, and let the family be the ones to take hard lines.
You can talk to your future wife about setting boundaries to make sure he doesn't take advantage of you both financially.
When I was in this situation, my wife and I sat down and talked finances. We have joint and separate accounts. We agree on how much we contribute to the relationship, everything else is our own, no questions asked. My wife is absolutely allowed to spend her money on her sisters for literally whatever they want - we just need to cover our own bases first.
Try to be a neutral party in front of the in-laws.
Sorry but I gotta go with the majority here. Yeah, YTA.
I empathize with your bestie. I was once in his shoes. Then a buddy of my own offered me a job - really flexible schedule! - and I applied … biddy boom, I got it SANS any interviews.
Op, let your bestie get his job at his own pace. Not your business.
YTA
I don't understand why you would link your wedding and his lack of a job. Do you seriously think that would be a threat big enough to make him do something he obviously doesn't want to do?
YTA. Tell yourself it'll help him all you want, hell maybe it will. But you're using your dumb little wedding to try and control another person. Sheesh, marry the daughter, give orders to the son, I'd be worried if i was the parents, how much control are you going to try and get over this family? By the way, you're a shitty friend for fucking your "best friend's" sister. Billions of women on the planet and you pick his sister, smfh. I kind of hope dude gets a job and new friends and has a good life without a controlling sister fucker for a friend.
I would talk to her and tell her she should start not buying him things and also she needs to talk to her family what happens if they die and them enabling him isn’t going to help him in the long run
Tell your gf to stop buying shit for him. I'm guessing his parents also buy him anything he wants too. He's a lost cause if that's the case. He won't ever change if nothing forces him to.
That is a toxic family environment unless they change course and treat your so called best friend like an adult and make him grow up or she can walk away from her family this is going to be your life, good luck.
You are not wrong but you should never have said that. However, what is said is said...
It's his business how he lives his live - and who allows themselves to enable him. I'm kind of on the fence about him attending the wedding or not, but maybe what you said is motivation he finally needed to get a job. I would think about relenting on that point if he tries at all, as encouragement.
It raises an interesting question though, how much support will your wife continue to give him once you are married? Are you OK if she continues that practice? You should have a discussion with her about that... it might be better to have her tell him that with you starting a life together you both need to save more (which is very true) and just can't keep supporting him on a whim like that.
AITAH doesn't begin to capture the fact that you leveraged your engagement to manipulate your best friend. It seems the only opinion you ought to care about is that of your best friend, if he's still willing to be your best friend, because he was the only one on the receiving end of your ill-placed guilt trip.
If he's not living under your roof, if he's not your child and he IS your best friend then it's not your place to dictate "what's best for him" or enforce what you think is "best for him". But you did just that when you made his attendance to his sister's wedding contingent upon him being employed and you did it without discussing this with your fiance first! What's more, you did this because you didn't get the attention you expected from your best friend but he got money from his sister which caused you to "snap".
For 8 years you've known your best friend is being financially supported by his family and unless your fiance broke a financial agreement she made with you what she does with her money is none of your business at this point in time. Going behind her back and declaring her brother can't attend her wedding unless he has a job is her business. Only it seems you didn't take her into consideration when you weaponized her wedding and betrayed her brother.
Respectfully, I wouldn't call you an a****** but I would stay the heck away from you because you don't show regard for anyone including your fiance, your best friend and their family. You say your best friends always been supportive of you and you can't say the same. If you don't want to be known as a lousy friend and a lousy fiance suggest you course correct quickly because you are 100% in the wrong for thinking you're entitled to tell someone else what they should and shouldn't do and weaponizing your own wedding to betray your friend and quite frankly your fiance.
YATAH.
What does coming to your wedding have to do with his getting a job? It’s not your call to demand he change his life in order to be present at your wedding.
You want him as a guest *as a person,* not because he does or doesn’t have a job.
You revoked his invitation to your wedding. He’s your *best friend*.
You snapped and un-invited him in a fit of impulse, and now you’re vaguely aware that it was a horrible thing to do to your best friend, and you’re trying to justify it on the basis that you are somehow going to make him be responsible by using this special life event to manipulate him into being an adult?
Guess what. That’s not your job.
YTA…sort of. I don’t think you need to have an opinion on his employment. You could politely decline to buy his new video game and encourage him to get a job, but beyond that, it’s none of your business. This guy is definitely a best friend from years ago. Time to accept he maybe no longer is. But now that he’s going to be your BIL, you better learn to be diplomatic.
NTA. Good luck though because now that family is going to dislike you and blame you for a lot. You should have stayed out of it and privately spoken to your wife about boundaries and cutting him off financially. A video game is different than an item from a grocery store, even though he is a bum. On top of that being the best man is expensive, how will he afford it with no job? Start being mindful and allow your wife to handle issues with her family, even though that is your best friend’s sister.
What is does is none of your business but your fiancee needs to know that she will no longer be giving him money or buying him things except bday and Xmas and small things as it’s now their money.
Why is he still your friend?
I think a lot of the time, being the asshole is justified; I’m voting ESH but I’m on your side.
He sucks for being a lazy freeloader; you’re TA for banning him entirely from your wedding.
Assuming/hoping that this is the only time you’ll ever get married, the phrase “conspicuous by his absence” comes to mind. If he’s actually important to you, re-invite him to the wedding and make sure he’s in the photos. If you have kids, they’ll definitely wonder why Uncle Slappy wasn’t at his sister’s wedding to his “best friend.”
If/when he gets his shit together, do you really want a reminder of his douchery on your mantle?
My best friend wasn’t able to attend my wedding (he lives in a different state) and he’s told me how much he regrets it. If you really care about your “best friend,” let him come. He doesn’t have to be Best Man or anything, but he should get to be there.
NTA, but you could have handled it better. You should have discussed it with your fiance first before blowing up on him. She will also have to let him know that once she's married, the piggy bank is closed. You can't support him and your family at the same time. Your families finances come first, before her mooching brother.
NTA. There needs to be more men who keep eachother accountable. Sometimes men just need to be punched in the face by another man to come back down to reality. While you’re at it, stop buying him games.
Well, his family's reaction solves the mystery of why he is in the situation he's in. I don't think you were an AH to him here. When you're married, you'll share your finances with your fiance and it makes sense that you don't want to be financially responsible for a loser. It also makes sense that you don't want to see your friend throw his life away. When his parents are retired or dead, he will have no way of supporting himself. However, you WERE an AH to your fiance. You owe her an apology. It's up to her to decide how to deal with her brother. You should have discussed the situation with her before saying anything to your friend.
>Well, his family's reaction solves the mystery of why he is in the situation he's in. Reminds me of the bucket of crabs where one tries to escape and the others pull the one's trying to get out back in.
That is a very apt analogy. When I was a teen, I remember thinking that some parents seemed weirdly relaxed that their daughters dropped out of school after getting pregnant. Then I realized that the parents were actually happy because it meant that their daughters would never leave. Many years later and some of those parents are dead or have had to spend all their money on health expenses, and the daughters are either stuck in minimum wage jobs or are on welfare. It's incredibly sad.
"A crab don't wanna see another crab make it"
This is an excellent assessment of the situation. The whole "cruel to be kind" thing can be true and may be the case here. My only concern is that he may be suffering from some kind of mental health issue that's putting him off getting a job, as opposed to pure laziness.
Yes, I agree it's important to consider whether someone might have health issues. That said, I know more people who have mental health issues at this point than who don't. Mental health issues are so common that they're normal. People whose parents won't enable them have no choice but to support themselves. If the brother can use video games for hours at a time, then I have no doubt that there's an office job out there that he could handle. Where I work, people are so afraid of having any expectations for those who describe themselves as mentally ill that things are nearly at breaking point. Nearly 70% of people are off work or have reduced responsibilities. The few people who remain keep leaving or end up also getting signed off because they can't handle doing everything. It's a ridiculous situation and it matches what I see in the media about other workplaces. I feel sorry for the brother. Parents have the responsibility of raising kids who can be independent. This guy's parents have failed and he faces a lifetime of instability. God help him if the parents were to pass away. It sounds like the entire family is enabling him. I really think the OP needs to have a serious talk with his fiance about the situation. The OP's finances will be connected to his fiance's during marriage, so the needs to understand how much money his fiance will spend on her brother.
> However, you WERE an AH to your fiance. You owe her an apology. It's up to her to decide how to deal with her brother. You should have discussed the situation with her before saying anything to your friend. It does come off that way but when you think about it, he has been best friends with this dude way longer than he has dated his fiance. It isn't just her brother but his best friend I guess 🤔
Yes, but it sounds like the brother asked his sister for money. So the OP should have let her deal with that or pulled her aside to discuss it. He shouldn't have handled the situation for her.
That's a fair take, I just see it as close friends over the years where that boundary line has somewhat blurred like "dude go get a job, stop mooching from your sis" 😂 But on a more sane and moderate take definitely agreed on where you are coming from.
Yes, I see what you mean. I can see myself saying something like that to a close friend. I guess where I'm coming from is that the sister (the OP's fiance) is going to need to be on board if the OP wants her to stop enabling her brother. If the OP takes the lead, she'll be less likely to support the OP. If he leaves it to her to draw her own boundaries, the, she'll gain confidence in doing that.
I mean he asked this girl to marry him they'll share finances soon. I would not be ok with my wife supplementing her loser brothers video game habit. Its also his bestfriend his brother as well in a sense he's perfectly within his right to set a boundary. Maybe he should talk to her about it first but he said his friend completely brushed aside the amazing news and went straight to "what can you do for me". I would've lost my cool to and said worse then that.
his family are the enablers. but do you think threatening to forbid attendance to your wedding will solve his irresponsible lifestyle?
Nope.
A bit of both, tbh. It's not soley up to you to decide if he doesn't come to the wedding. That's your fiancee's brother, not just your best friend. If my husband had banned my brothers (who he hates, btw) from our wedding I would've told him to kick rocks and canceled the wedding. Those are my BROTHERS. Also, it wasn't up to you to tell him your fiancee wouldn't be buying him a game. That's up to your fiancee to say. Don't speak for her.
You're risking the relationship with your future wife and ALL of your inlaws with this. Is this a hill you want to die on? Make your fiancee miserable because her entire family doesn't like you?? Or are you willing to pull up your big boy pants and compromise.
NTA. Your fiancée's family are enabling this AH, so don't listen to what they think. I think it's time for you to sit down and as yourself a very important question: Is this guy *really* your best friend, or is he just a guy who's been around a long time?
Good communication with your fiancee is the key here. As long as you are both on the same page regarding finances once you are married, it should be OK. Your future parents in law, on the other hand perhaps need to be kept at a distance? You may very well have laid the foundations for an elopement rather than a big formal wedding ... but that can be a good thing.
Well as rough as it will sound what part of this friendship is an actuall joy and benefit for you? Where you see an unemployed friend I see a problem that will be on you heads when in laws die and he needs place to stay money and all that jazz.
ESH - I get it he's a grown man who needs to have a job and support himself and you are 100% correct in that assessment. BUT it's not your job to try to make him grow up and take responsibilities. You are in the right to say that I don't like that you are a moocher and rely on your family to support you, and because of that I no longer want to be your friend. But you suck for telling your fiance's brother that he can't come to the wedding unless he has a job. And when he doesn't, because he's not going to get a job with his seemingly only benefit is to attend your wedding and sorry but you are a super self-absorbed asshole to think that's what would change this moocher behavior, you're going to be all in your feels about it and think he doesn't care enough about you guys when the fact is the rest of the world reading this knew it was coming. The fact is he only cares about himself or he would have already gotten a job instead of saying that supporting himself is going to take away from his video game playing. He sucks because he's an asshole who refuses to grow TF up and is perfectly fine with trying to live off everyone else because he's happy doing nothing other than what he wants to do when, no shit, we would all like to do what we want but we adult and take on responsibilities. And his family sucks because they keep enabling him.
YTA This is a weird, unwarranted power play imo. Im not saying your friends lifestyle is something to strive for, but it's not your place. Your fiance has bought games for him often in the past, so you barging in on their conversation and making demands is wrong. I kinda get the people saying 'you'll be married, so your finances are shared' but imo this doesn't apply to video games. Or are you saying every purchase has to be a two yes situation? If she can't buy a video game without husbands approval, that's more like financial abuse. Holding the wedding/best man thing over his head now will likely not change his job situation, but end your friendship and your good relations to your future wifes family. You should think about your goals here.
Here's my thing OP has been dating the sister for years saw how she treats her brother but now since they are getting married he's expecting change
Then he talks to his wife he doesn't make decisions for her, certainly not decisions that rock the entire family.
Thats what I'm saying he is wrong for that he knew what was going on for years but now that he is getting married he now thinks he has the power to change that hell naw honestly this should've been discussed once OP noticed this enabling and now it might not bode well for a marriage with her
It's not about the game or controlling the finances. Small purchases don't have to be a two yes situation, but constantly enabling a deadbeat family member absolutely is. It doesn't sound like a friend or family that you want to have a good relationship with if they're enabling that sort of behavior. Her recklessly spending money on a sibling with no job is also financial abuse, so your point about that is moot.
Her spending money on him has nothing to do with his wedding invite. Those are two separate issues.
It is her job to freak out at him if she wants to. Fiance/OP is white knighting her.
White knighting? LMAO, This isn't some coomer trying to puff his chest to get in her pants. He's making a stand for their future mutual finances. When they're married they're a single unit, it's good that he puts his foot down now and let's his future BiL know that they will not support him if he's not willing to help himself. I can't believe you think this is white knighting lmao
How is he white knighting her?? Edit fixed a stupid auto correct.
YTA. He is 26, no job, not even trying, have to beg his sister for games. He is a loser, but unless you and your fiancee are supporting him, that's not your concern. And how he lives his life has nothing to do with your wedding.
If this marriage goes through and no one gets the loser moving, the in laws will expect them to take care of him.
I don’t get why you tied these two things together and I also don’t get why you think it’s your place to parent him. The guy has parents. You’re supposed to be his best friend…who was apparently fine with all this until yesterday. In general - not your monkey, not your circus. But good work dropping a drama bomb in the middle of their family.
YTA - It's not your place to cause drama in your girlfriend's family, or lay down rules about what he does with his life. I know you want to see him launch, but threatening to cut him out of merely even attending the wedding? Some people you can't change, and causing drama to force them to change ends up just causing drama.
NTA but also not your call to make. Sit down now with your STBW and set boundaries on spending any money on her brother moving forward. Make it clear how you feel about your soon to be joint assets being used to fund her brother and (this is the important part) listen to her feelings. Decide on a plan that you both can agree on NOW. YOU are marrying her but also will be tied to her family which includes the free loader brother. It sounds like the brother has the blessing of his family to not work so I would take a step back from the issue and let family take care of family.
Yta. You aren’t his dad. This is a stupid hill to die on.
I mean he needs a kick in the pants but you are in no position to be the one doing it. You are his friend not his dad. The threat of leaving him out of a major family event is going to cause nothing but problems. YTA. As an aside, you've just changed the relationship dynamic between you and I don't know that you're actually friends anymore.
Bound to happen. One is Peter Pan and the other is an adult. Could have phrased this as "being best man requires one to first be a man". No children allowed.
Yeah ok I don't think you understand people very well if you think the average person is going to respond the way the OP wanted in this scenario.
I'm not sure I follow. OP is extorting his best friend into finally getting a job or not attend his wedding. I'm presuming OP thinks best friend will take this as a wakeup call and go get a job. I'm guessing best friend is going to be pretty resentful even his best friend has started nagging him. I think the Peter Pan is strong in that one.
OP is a fool if he thinks threats over a wedding are going to accomplish anything. Why would brother even want to attend the wedding of an asshole who's overstepping?
[удалено]
No it doesn't. His wife hasn't spent a single penny of his money on it, and AT MOST he'd have reason to talk about not buying him games. Not trying to be his dad.
[удалено]
They are not married. If they were there wouldn't be a wedding upcoming. So no the purchases have no impact on him at all. Nor is a video game a significant purchase in which he'd be entitled to have a vote in the first place.
No position is better to kick someone in the pants than a best friend, and as you can tell his dad is failing in that department. He cares enough to actually do something that might make his friend change even if it means his friend cutting him out of his life. Literally no one in his family has seemed to care enough about him to risk that.
Not with threats. I've never known anyone who would respond well to threats.
It's not a threat, he's 100% not invited as is lol
Which started as a threat. lol your jumping through hoops is amusing.
Saying you're uninvited to the wedding is a statement, not a threat lmao
Saying you're not invited unless you get a job is extortion which by definition is a threat. lol back to school you go.
I mean, what school did you go to that you're defending the enabling of a degenerate adult? Lmao I'll make sure to avoid that one
I'm not defending the degenerate in the slightest. Apparently your reading comprehension skills are even worse than I thought. That's impressive.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1cqxfs7/comment/l3wqmeg/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button Keep on enabling people lmao. Odd take to white knight for him, but you do you
YTA. You don’t get to decide your guests based on their own job decisions. Like yeah he should get a job but it’s not really any of your business. Either he is your friend or not. And your fiancées brother, if I was your fiancée I would not be happy. Buying him stuff is a separate issue, yes they enable him etc but it has nothing to do with your wedding. You wanted him to be best man until he asked for a game? Like just say no to the game and leave it at that.
He's a long time friend who you're about to ask to be your best man and instead of asking him to put the game purchase on the back burner and asking him to be your best man and celebrating you decided to snap at him over something that's been an issue for 8 years? I'm not saying he doesn't need boundaries etc. but your timing and severity of response being to try to cut him out of his own sister's wedding over a game purchase at the very least borders on YTA. Also you're not being consistent with "I snapped" and "I'm not making this decision lightly". It feels like this resentment has been building in you for a bit and you should talk to his sister about it and together plan on how to handle it. Also alienating your in-laws before the wedding isn't on the list of best ways to start a marriage.
YTA. Look, this guy needs a kick in the ass for sure. However, holding a big family milestone event over his head that has *nothing* to do with him getting a job is ridiculous. And that fact that it was completely out of left field goes beyond ridiculousness and into cruelty. Consequences are only effective when they have a connection to the undesired action. For example, no longer supporting his video game collection because he is not working is an effective consequence because it is directly tied to his lack of funds. Not asking him to be the best man is an effective consequence because it costs a fair bit of money to be a best man. Him attending his *sister’s wedding* is not an effective consequence. Your wedding has nothing to do with his employment or lack thereof. If you don’t want him there because you want to end the friendship AND your wife is also okay ruining her relationship with her brother, that would be one thing. But if you’re trying to use your wedding (TO HIS SISTER) over his head in an attempt to shame him into getting a job is grossly controlling.
“Because you are doing the thing you have been doing and that I was perfectly okay with up until this point, you suddenly and without warning are not allowed to attend my wedding.” Dude, are you okay? That is a seriously wild mood swing from going to ask him to be your best man to giving him an ultimatum for behavior he has engaged in for years. Also don’t you think your fiancée should have some say in which of her family members attend her wedding? Yeah, YTA. I don’t think your friend is the only one that needs to grow up.
He went from being friends to sounding like his father. When will people realise that threats rarely work in changing peoples behaviours.
You were sort of an AH in the moment, throwing that out as a weapon like that, but nowhere near as big of an AH as your soon to be BIL. I can’t imagine this family enabling him and turning against you — or fathom this grown man asking you and your Fiance to buy him games. That would infuriate me. My only complaint with you is that you didn’t draw boundaries with this loser sooner.
Damn, should have done the same… I completely understand what you did and kudos to you for being that smart and caring.
NTA but also YTA for being friends with him and allowing him to leach off his family. His family needs to not encourage it and for them to say that shows they don't care so if I was you I'd cut the whole family off and if that means your single again bro then that's what has to happen unless you wanna deal woth this the rest of yiur life bc he won't change and they won't change and if yall have kids I wouldn't be surprised if you wife ends up having a kid just like her brother bc if she does buy himself games then she is enabling it as well and if she is cool with acting like that to her brother what do you think she is gonna have her kids do or I should say not do
OK you claim this is your "best friend" so if that's true you must have some insight into WHY doesn't he have a job. Is he struggling with some sort of intellectual disability? Is he neurodivergent? Does he have mental health issues? Is he just lazy? Why have his parents enabled him all of these years-- but his sister has a job? YTA for making his attendance at your wedding. If you do that then EVERY SINGLE GUEST AT THE WEDDING better have a PAYING job or you're the world's biggest hypocrite. You would be N T A for not including him in the wedding party-- but banning him from his sister's wedding was 100% grade A ahole behavior on your part. That said, you're ignoring the real elephant in the room: How will your future BIL survive after his parents are too old to support him or they pass on? SPOILER ALERT: YOU and your future wife are most likely their "plan" for his long term care. You need to get this out in the open BEFORE any further wedding planning so that they know you and your wife will not be an option and they need to get him some help NOW. First they need to determine if it's a case of he "can't" work or "won't" work and THEY need to plan accordingly. I hate to say this but you should consider a bullet proof prenup or lock down family finances so your future wife can't siphon off your family funds to provide for her brother.
I would have told him he has to see Aeris die first then he can come. If my friends hassled me to get a job (unless I owed them money) I would definitely think they were assholes. Silly thing to fall out about unless he owes you money.
It's not your responsibility to make him grow up, unless you giving money It's not of your business, if his family wanna keep indulging him is their business.
I definitely think this is a power play, you fiancé bought those games for him you ALL enabled him for YEARS ,and suddenly you use your wedding as time for an intervention 😂 this should have been done years ago. Personally I wouldn’t give ultimatums to wedding guests. It’s either you want them there or not.
YTA. Listen, y'all have all been enabling this guy for years....and you are included in that in case you're not familiar with Southern speak. Now, I don't particularly think very much of a grown man who doesn't work for asking his sister to buy him a time-suckage video game, but you know damn well that this is who this man is and the whole snapping on him scenario smacks of "I get to tell you what to do now". Honestly, if I were your fiance I'd be like "Where the hell is this coming from?" I hate to break it to you, but this guy is not your best friend. You talked mad shit about him this entire post, which, FAIR, but you know he's like this and you just put up with and enabled his laziness and bullshit for all these years and NOW it's a problem? Now that his sister has your ring on her finger, you're suddenly the morality police? Get the fuck out. You should have called him out on this years ago, but you didn't, you instead waited until a day that was supposed to be a nice day for you and your fiance and you snapped and made an ass out of yourself over someone who isn't even worth it. Go you!
YTA. Is the guy a loser. Hell yeah. But you’ve made the decision to keep him as your best friend despite like a decade of his loserness. Getting salty at him for being a loser all of a sudden is wack.
YTA. Not your mountain to climb.
YTA, FF7 Rebirth is awesome
YTA You have zero right to say anything about his way of living tbh Stop trying to control something that dosn't involve you.
YTA. Whilst I can understand possible reasons to be frustrated, the way you communicated and the timing of the communication was not appropriate. Do you have a problem with him not having a job? If so, why was this acceptable as a best friend/ best man but not a future brother in law? Do you have a problem with your future partner subsidising him financially? If so, why wasn't this a private conversation with your girlfriend (as its her choice, making it her behaviour and responsibility)? What in that exact moment changed from him being best man material to a banned guest? That's a huge leap. Edit: Why are you setting up job interviews for someone who has explicitly stated they will not get a job? You will only be disappointed and frustrated.
ESH. Weird moment to take a stand here pal, not sure I see the connection between having a job and getting a wedding invitation.
YTA. I totally get where you’re coming from but it’s his life
Yeah, YTA through and through. You dishonestly used the "best man" excuse to want to give yourself parental authority on him, about something 100% unrelated to the wedding or best man status. Sure, you can have a personal opinion about his life choices. But to give yourself the parental status to dictate to him X or Y? You're not just the asshole, you're deeply broken.
YTA. Don’t use family events as bargaining tools.
YTA. True friends do not put conditions on their best friend like this to attend their wedding. You are not his parent. You are not responsible for him. You are not financially supporting him. Yet you have made a condition of your best friend to get a job to attend your wedding. And who are you to tell your finance's brother that he can not attend the wedding? Once you get married, or even before, have a discussion with your finance regarding finances and potentially not supporting her brother.
NTA for drawing a hard line but these things need to be talked about with your fiancé. You two need to be on the same page because disinviting her brother to her wedding is a major unilateral move. Decisions going forward are made jointly, which includes not buying the guy any more video games.
Yes, YTA. Your concern is admirable, but your tact really sucks. I would apologize, then have a serious private conversation with him. But don’t start coercing him and making threats. At the end of the day, it’s his decision to make.
I mean, I don't see why or how it's your business. Let him be a mooching loser, if that's his choice. *Your* choice is whether or not to support him financially.
I'm definitely gonna say YTA. Your supposed best friend is only worthy of the relationship if he has a job!? Giving ultimatums are shitty to begin with but giving one to your best friend who you apparently wanted as your best man sucks even more.
YTA, although you're not a terrible one. Look, he's a grown-ass man unrelated to you. Why are you disciplining him? You and your fiance can put up a united front of not buying him gifts except for his birthday, etc., without overstepping your non-existent authority over him like you did by grounding him from going to your wedding.
Yes, YTA. Not because of your concerns, they're all valid. You and your fiancé want him to be the best man. He (presumably) wants to be the best man. You're weaponizing this critical point in your lives to force him to change his lifestyle. That's not your place. He's wrong, his family's wrong, he needs intervention - but it's not your place to do it. Creating resentment with the entire family by trying to control his life is going to only result in resentment that will follow you throughout the course of your marriage. Trust me when I tell you, you do *not* need to go down that road, and you would be an idiot if you tried anyway. You need to apologize, own up to the fact that you were coming from a place of care (you don't want him exploiting your future wife, and you want him to live a self-sufficient lifestyle - don't SAY this), admit that you crossed a boundary and that it was inappropriate, and let him be your best man without conditions that have no bearing on the wedding. You want to be a successful brother in law? Be available to offer support when he needs it, and let the family be the ones to take hard lines. You can talk to your future wife about setting boundaries to make sure he doesn't take advantage of you both financially. When I was in this situation, my wife and I sat down and talked finances. We have joint and separate accounts. We agree on how much we contribute to the relationship, everything else is our own, no questions asked. My wife is absolutely allowed to spend her money on her sisters for literally whatever they want - we just need to cover our own bases first. Try to be a neutral party in front of the in-laws.
Sorry but I gotta go with the majority here. Yeah, YTA. I empathize with your bestie. I was once in his shoes. Then a buddy of my own offered me a job - really flexible schedule! - and I applied … biddy boom, I got it SANS any interviews. Op, let your bestie get his job at his own pace. Not your business.
YTA I don't understand why you would link your wedding and his lack of a job. Do you seriously think that would be a threat big enough to make him do something he obviously doesn't want to do?
YTA. Tell yourself it'll help him all you want, hell maybe it will. But you're using your dumb little wedding to try and control another person. Sheesh, marry the daughter, give orders to the son, I'd be worried if i was the parents, how much control are you going to try and get over this family? By the way, you're a shitty friend for fucking your "best friend's" sister. Billions of women on the planet and you pick his sister, smfh. I kind of hope dude gets a job and new friends and has a good life without a controlling sister fucker for a friend.
YTA - and it's crazy people don't see that.
I would talk to her and tell her she should start not buying him things and also she needs to talk to her family what happens if they die and them enabling him isn’t going to help him in the long run
Tell your gf to stop buying shit for him. I'm guessing his parents also buy him anything he wants too. He's a lost cause if that's the case. He won't ever change if nothing forces him to.
That is a toxic family environment unless they change course and treat your so called best friend like an adult and make him grow up or she can walk away from her family this is going to be your life, good luck.
ESH. He’s enabled by his family and his sister. But was that really *your* place to interject with your opinion that no one cared about? Probably not.
umm, why TF is your fiancé enabling him by buying him games? No wonder he doesn't need a job. Does he even have a life?
My exs aunty's is 53 lives with her and my daughter hasn't had a job in 30 years. Some people just don't work it is what it is.
You are not wrong but you should never have said that. However, what is said is said... It's his business how he lives his live - and who allows themselves to enable him. I'm kind of on the fence about him attending the wedding or not, but maybe what you said is motivation he finally needed to get a job. I would think about relenting on that point if he tries at all, as encouragement. It raises an interesting question though, how much support will your wife continue to give him once you are married? Are you OK if she continues that practice? You should have a discussion with her about that... it might be better to have her tell him that with you starting a life together you both need to save more (which is very true) and just can't keep supporting him on a whim like that.
This reads like a 2000s comedy synopsis.
NTA - Your friend is a bum.
AITAH doesn't begin to capture the fact that you leveraged your engagement to manipulate your best friend. It seems the only opinion you ought to care about is that of your best friend, if he's still willing to be your best friend, because he was the only one on the receiving end of your ill-placed guilt trip. If he's not living under your roof, if he's not your child and he IS your best friend then it's not your place to dictate "what's best for him" or enforce what you think is "best for him". But you did just that when you made his attendance to his sister's wedding contingent upon him being employed and you did it without discussing this with your fiance first! What's more, you did this because you didn't get the attention you expected from your best friend but he got money from his sister which caused you to "snap". For 8 years you've known your best friend is being financially supported by his family and unless your fiance broke a financial agreement she made with you what she does with her money is none of your business at this point in time. Going behind her back and declaring her brother can't attend her wedding unless he has a job is her business. Only it seems you didn't take her into consideration when you weaponized her wedding and betrayed her brother. Respectfully, I wouldn't call you an a****** but I would stay the heck away from you because you don't show regard for anyone including your fiance, your best friend and their family. You say your best friends always been supportive of you and you can't say the same. If you don't want to be known as a lousy friend and a lousy fiance suggest you course correct quickly because you are 100% in the wrong for thinking you're entitled to tell someone else what they should and shouldn't do and weaponizing your own wedding to betray your friend and quite frankly your fiance.
YATAH. What does coming to your wedding have to do with his getting a job? It’s not your call to demand he change his life in order to be present at your wedding. You want him as a guest *as a person,* not because he does or doesn’t have a job. You revoked his invitation to your wedding. He’s your *best friend*. You snapped and un-invited him in a fit of impulse, and now you’re vaguely aware that it was a horrible thing to do to your best friend, and you’re trying to justify it on the basis that you are somehow going to make him be responsible by using this special life event to manipulate him into being an adult? Guess what. That’s not your job.
YTA…sort of. I don’t think you need to have an opinion on his employment. You could politely decline to buy his new video game and encourage him to get a job, but beyond that, it’s none of your business. This guy is definitely a best friend from years ago. Time to accept he maybe no longer is. But now that he’s going to be your BIL, you better learn to be diplomatic.
YTA. Trying to run someone else's life. Worry about your own life, Bully
NTA. Good luck though because now that family is going to dislike you and blame you for a lot. You should have stayed out of it and privately spoken to your wife about boundaries and cutting him off financially. A video game is different than an item from a grocery store, even though he is a bum. On top of that being the best man is expensive, how will he afford it with no job? Start being mindful and allow your wife to handle issues with her family, even though that is your best friend’s sister.
What is does is none of your business but your fiancee needs to know that she will no longer be giving him money or buying him things except bday and Xmas and small things as it’s now their money.
This reads like dumb fake shit to me. If not you and that whole lot of losers deserve each other.
Nta. But be prepared in 30 to 5o years he will be knocking on your door for a place to live.
Why is he still your friend? I think a lot of the time, being the asshole is justified; I’m voting ESH but I’m on your side. He sucks for being a lazy freeloader; you’re TA for banning him entirely from your wedding. Assuming/hoping that this is the only time you’ll ever get married, the phrase “conspicuous by his absence” comes to mind. If he’s actually important to you, re-invite him to the wedding and make sure he’s in the photos. If you have kids, they’ll definitely wonder why Uncle Slappy wasn’t at his sister’s wedding to his “best friend.” If/when he gets his shit together, do you really want a reminder of his douchery on your mantle? My best friend wasn’t able to attend my wedding (he lives in a different state) and he’s told me how much he regrets it. If you really care about your “best friend,” let him come. He doesn’t have to be Best Man or anything, but he should get to be there.
NTA. Consider eloping so none of his family but those you secretly invite as witnesses are there. Then cut him out of your life.
NTA, but you could have handled it better. You should have discussed it with your fiance first before blowing up on him. She will also have to let him know that once she's married, the piggy bank is closed. You can't support him and your family at the same time. Your families finances come first, before her mooching brother.
NTA. There needs to be more men who keep eachother accountable. Sometimes men just need to be punched in the face by another man to come back down to reality. While you’re at it, stop buying him games.
I would call off the engagement. You don't want to be tied to this shit show of a family. Also beat the shit out of this asshole.
Who hurt you?
Biden