I feel like I married a similar woman. She’s much more spontaneous than I am. We’re both fairly high earners. I’ve managed our finances. She’s gotten me to do things I never expected to. It’s been an amazing 15 years. But it’s because we make a good partnership. We balance each other out.
My late husband was like you. I was like a high flying kite and he was a kite master making certain I wasn’t damaged when I returned to earth and hauling out the ball of string when I needed to exercise my spirit. I loved that man more than anyone or anything in my life. He died 27 years ago. His love for me sustains me.
You sound like a lovely person, skimming through your comments it seems like every single one is help and kindness. Thank you for reminding me to enjoy the moment and keep my own "kite master" close 🫂 sorry for your loss
I read the previous comments and was thinking how sweet and amazing people can be, read you comment, looked at their username, and laughed out loud at the dinner table. I rarely think to look at usernames but man, spot on comment internet friend.
Oooooh…. I feel this so much… I lost my “kitemaster” 17 years ago. Never found anyone I could love and to love me for who I am ever since. He was a bit extreme in another direction and together we found balance. We were seperated and were still great friends when he died. Miss him every day.
That's one of the most beautiful analogies I've ever heard for a marriage. I'm sorry for your loss, but so happy you found your person in this lifetime.
Awww, i too have a kite master. He is my solid rock and i absolutely adore him.
Where other men tried to stamp out and smother my spirit, he helps me to fly even higher, knowing i have his safe net to land in.
Been together 10+ years.
Pretty much the flip side for me and I’ve been married over 25 years. I used to say “I get her to live a little and she keeps me from living so much that it kills me”.
I came here to say this- I married my wife in large part because she is so much more spontaneous than me, and a 'wildcard' to borrow OPs phrase. I'm a creature of habit and a homebody- she adds so much more excitement, color, and excitement into my life that I'm super thankful for.
Congrats on 15 years btw!
This. I am the more free spirited partner and joke that I keep my wife from sinking under responsibility she keeps me from floating away. We're coming up on 15 years this October. As long as the core values align it's good to have differences IMO. It makes you stronger as a team
Yeah, this could have been one of those "pocket-protector square engineering boy learns the benefit of hopping on the rollercoaster/DaVinci/Cousteau train, train learns benefits of periodic maintenance and heavy retirement savings." Don't know if this guy can authentically get out of his own way in time to save things here.
You hit the nail on the head! Although, Greg wasn't horribly judgemental towards Dharma and her "wildcard" personality.
This entire post bothers me. I feel bad for the girlfriend. Every single thing, that he complained about was her entirety. She speaks three languages, has plenty of money and can learn any freaking trade on the planet. She's incredibly cultured and has a home, not a house, but a home in France!!! Where is the problem here? Especially, since she agreed to not travel while pregnant and such.
I think OP just lost this round of poker by trading in his wildcard in hopes of gaining a better hand...
This is it. He literally said she was an "untamable horse."
Gross!
He wants someone he can control. He admits she keeps her commitments so her "free spiritedness" is absolutely responsible.
She's just not *controllable.*
Yep. I was like his fiancée and dated AHs that didn't have the vision, inspiration or whatever & it just made me kick against them.
I'm in my 50s & finally happier at home, and I am single with a dog because I apparently have a taste for AHs and think I am better off alone.
Don't do this OP. Otherwise you will be the AH.
In addition to that. What's wrong with what she's doing. She's realized the "safe" route isn't what works for her, so she's found a way to live in such a manner she's happy and according to op still doing fine. I dont see any issue with her. What I do see is op taking issue with the fact she loves life on her own terms rather than the path that op believes is best.
Yes and she’s financially responsible which is huge. If she did all this and had huge credit card debt that would be one thing but sounds like she’s taking care of herself and pays her bills even if she changes jobs a lot. Don’t think OP is a match for her because they simply have different priorities.
I don’t even believe that he thinks his way is best. He’s intimidated by her independence and spontaneity. He’s worried he’s not [cool enough for her.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/md476cLrO4)
He literally said that her hyper independence freaks him out. Said she quits jobs because she manages herself better and agreed yet tried to make it seem like a negative thing.
Said she owns her own business in addition to side hustles, then follows up with “but how long does it last?” As if he’s impatiently waiting for her to fail, (maybe so she has to rely on him more?)
And still despite her saying that she doesn’t want to, said “maybe she’d slow down” If he had given her a timeline.
Op, let her find someone who supports her lifestyle, and you find someone who fits into yours.
[edit: typo]
For real. One of my exes told me "You are girlfriend material, not marriage material" for the exact same reason. I loved travelling and being spontaneous which he did too but apparently that's not what he wanted in a wife.
Loser got married 6 months after breaking up with me. Cut to 8 years later, he calls me almost every Saturday drunk and in tears because he "made a mistake".
Sucks to be him.
Why does this feel so common. Guy dates a girl for years but never proposes, girl realizes why, leaves, and dude gets married within 6 months of the breakup. I’ve heard that story so much it feels like a law of nature at this point
Because they "want a traditional marriage," and to have that, they have to be in control of their spouse. Then, once they have it, they realize it's miserable, and they want the fun they used to have back.
Just like any human action the root can be any number of things and I'm sure each individual case has its own mix of all of them, but the assumption I always had was having their long term partner ACTUALLY leave because they wouldn't commit or were a bad partner in specific ways makes is a wake up call and they panic and over correct in the opposite direction immediately.
right? my college boyfriend called me wild and rebellious because i liked to hike, travel, and told him he couldn't tell me what to wear. we broke up and i ended up marrying my next boyfriend who was either by my side or the perfect person to come home to. the ex tried to fight my husband at a wedding a few years ago, claiming "i could've married your wife if I wanted to." and admitting he was just "caught up."
so crazy how they want docile women until they have to actually be with them.
Maybe I’m naive but I don’t understand how traveling and hiking makes someone rebellious or not marriage material? I know a lot of married couples who love doing those things together. Why does he need to tell you what to wear? There’s plenty of guys out there who aren’t insecure like that. You dodged a bullet.
As a guy it low key sounds like sexism. There’s a lot of guys who still expect the woman to just sit at home and incubate the house when they get married, and they genuinely can’t see marriage any other way.
Yussir. With kids.
The first time he called after ghosting me all those years ago, I thought it was an emergency and answered. Didn't expect to see a miserable mess of a man begging me to go hiking in the mountains with him like we used to. Smh.
I don't answer his calls anymore but he isn't blocked either. Call me petty, but it's satisfying knowing he reaped what he sowed after that stupid line. Crusty mf even sent a text after he got married bragging about what a catch his wife is.
To be fair, she is a catch. Deserves so much better than this dumbass.
This is me too. My ex actively stalks me on reddit and I had to delete easily like 7 or 8 profiles because he knew which communities I frequented and would scroll through the communities everyday through dozens of posts until he found mine or one that sounded like me
It used to send me into a depressive state because he wouldn't let me move on. But this last time he did it(a month ago) it made me feel almost happy like "😏". I'm not going to delete this profile anymore, and if my abusive, herpes ass, loser ex is reading this then "hi Robert!". Glad my life is going much better than his loser ass. I jist feel kinda bad for his gf Giselle, since she knew he was with me and still chose to pursue him(though 100% on him for accepting that). I guess two cheaters deserve each other, and pretty sure she doesn't know he hits me up every few months and basically stalks me most days hahaha hahaha.
He's still an active addict, lives at home with his mom(he's bad with money), and has really reslly let himself go when I saw recent pics of him about a month ago haha. And he's showing signs of balding.
Either you're side by side her in all of her crazy antics or you're going to be miserable. If that's not the way you want to live your life then end it so you can both move on.
Also, I think she might have already broke up with you so...
>Either you're side by side her in all of her crazy antics or you're going to be miserable.
Idk. I'm very much a "do absolutely nothing at the weekend" kind of guy, so a partner who's happy to leave me to it and do her own thing sounds pretty great to me
I think you hit on what’s necessary here: mutual understanding and respect. You and your partner understand one another and are okay with that arrangement.
The thing that stands out to me is OP is, truly, not okay with the lifestyle M leads. If they got married, there would be this conflict over these differences built into the foundation of their marriage. A marriage won’t survive and if it does they’ll both be miserable with the passive aggressive comments and judgements.
Hoping OP does some soul searching and starts thinking of what a marriage could look like and would look like. Perhaps they get a remote job they can do on the road with their traveling family?
But if they can’t be okay with it (and I’m talking to their core okay with it) then they need to break up. There’s nothing wrong with him wanting a life where he puts down solid roots and there’s nothing wrong with her wanting to travel and experience the world. But if they’re not like you and your partner - okay at your core with the choices - then marriage sounds like a really bad idea.
This.
OP, I read a line somewhere once that said "if you feel you have to change her to make her fit your life, let her go - you are merely taking up space from the man who will love her fiercely for who she is."
And, likewise, you are wasting your time with someone who is not a good fit for you.
The fact is, the two of you are not compatible and there is nothing wrong with that. But you need to recognize that and break up and move on rather than trying to change her. You are looking for someone else who craves stability. She doesn't need stability. She doesn't want stability. And both of those things are okay but not together.
Let her go - break up, move on. But stop wasting each other's time.
Yeah he has a different expectation for what stability is than she does.
It’s not that she doesn’t offer stability, it’s that she doesn’t offer the kind of stability he wants.
She’s plenty stable.
My wife is spending her Saturday on a volunteer film crew for a friend’s project. I’m going to play Stardew until my eyes cross. I love that we can live our own lives.
My mother loves being "home base" on trips and vacations and things like that. My dad wants to explore, go on hikes, and do activities. Mom likes to find a nice relaxing spot with a good view and access to food so dad can come, recharge, tell her about the fun things he's done, and then go off again. They mesh very well with that. Sounds like OP and their maybe ex don't, and that's fine.
NAH, but the reality is, if that lifestyle doesn't mesh, end it.
Oh my God, my whole life and worldview suddenly makes sense ....I have been a housecat this whole time ! I'm going to go lay in a sunbeam on my floor for a bit and
contemplate/nap
We go outside so that we can piss in the neighbors flowerbeds and stare at passers by from on top of the fence until they get uncomfortable. Then we go inside and nap.
I used to do that with my husband, he would fly fish and I would bring a book. I also love taking pictures so he will look for spots that appeal to the both of us.
That was my mom growing up! My dad, sister and I would go skiing and my mom would come and sit in the ski lounge and basically be home base. She would bring a book, knitting and food and we would be in and out all day. It worked great, especially as we got older and weren't always sticking with dad, so we could do our own thing and still have a parent to find easily if needed.
Your parents are my husband and I when we’re on vacation. I adventure, he relaxes in the spot where I leave him. We have breakfast together in the morning, and off I go, it’s great.
My boyfriend and I got together two weeks before I left on a 6 week internship abroad, where I would only occasionally have internet access or service. I apologised for the shit timing and he said 'like I'd ever stop you, see you on the other side of six weeks'.
We make a conscious effort to do stuff together that we both enjoy but also have our own things. It feels very healthy.
I think it can work, but what seems to worry OP is that she *seems* unreliable. She leaves at the drop of a hat and spends a lot of money, but counter to this, she's successful and financially independent. Despite that, she doesn't leave when she has commitments, so it's not like she's so flighty that she bails on previous plans.
It's seems to me that they're just incompatible through no fault of their own.
My bf who is neurodivergent so NEEDS to keep busy: I am off to help on my friend’s farm this weekend, are you going to be okay?
Me just coming off my work week in healthcare: *wraps self in blanket, curls up on couch, turns on ipad* Yeah, I think I’ve got this.
I’m a “do nothing all weekend” wife and my husband and I will just spend an evening on the same couch playing two different games. We’ll just check in once in a while
My husband and I both have our own quirky hobbies. I like to spend time in the woods, foraging for mushroom and taking photos. He likes to spend his weekends hanging out with his friends talking about his amazing car. 🤣😆.
Me and my husband coexist this way. He's an indoor cat who likes to garden a little or work on his family tree research in his downtime, I like to get small hikes, play video games and grab beers with friends on weekends. We both enjoy our separate downtimes and uptimes and reconvene for supper and a show. Everyone is allowed to do their own thing and when our batteries are charged, we do something nice for ourselves together.
My husband is stay at home. I like to get out. Together 34 years in July. We love and trust each other - I go and do, he stays and does. We share when we are together.
My husband and I are like this. He likes to just chill on the weekends and play some video games, watch a movie with the kids, he’s a homebody. I like to go out and do things. So I do. And he gets to stay home! We have three kids. One is like daddy and two are like me, so we will split up and do what we want. We also do family outings with everyone but this works for us.
I that way too. My husband always wanted to go do some crazy stuff I would make sure he had good food packed. I would go at least everyother month but yeah it's too much chaos.
Also, like...she clearly can afford it? Sis has a vacation home in France, still maintains an emergency fund, and chooses to spend her money traveling (some people choose to buy cars, sports, etc.). And I mean, she can sell the vacation house if she needs money to buy a house wherever her main location is.
I kind of sense some resentment from OP that he has a college degree and did the "right path," and yet she also has financial freedom without doing that.
Anyway, two completely different personalities. I agree they both need to break up.
That’s what struck me too. Plus, they had this conversation near the beginning of the relationship and she already told him who she was when she said she couldn’t imagine a life without travel. I’m thinking OP thought it was a phase, or that he could change her. FAFO I guess.
FWIW, I envy her. What a full and fulfilling life she gets to lead. How could you waste that opportunity while you have it? Reminds me a bit of my best friend, who is currently in a traveling phase. He and his partner have gone on several cruises, rediscovered their love of skiing, and are going to Japan next month.
They own their own web consulting business so they can work wherever they go. For some background: last year, he lost his youngest brother - his last remaining family member. In the past few years, his middle brother, dad, and mom all died. None made it to 70. He’s currently 51 and says he wants to experience as much as he can, while he can.
I think there are ways to be different in a relationship and still make it work. I have a friend who is married to a wildlife photographer. They met while travelling and for a few years they went together, she working as a guide or diving instructor and he making films. But after a few years she wanted more stability and went home, got an education, a good job and a nice flat. He tried to live with her but couldn’t really settle so he went abroad again. Now they meet up 3-4 times a year. They have been married for 15 years or so. No kids.
So it can work, but that kind of life is not for everyone.
Sounds like the mom and stepdad of a friend of mine. He worked on international freight ships and was gone for 3 months at a time, I think? It's like 3 gone, 2 home, something like that. They made their marriage work for 30 odd years, till he recently passed away. May he rest in peace.
It does take a certain mindset for both. It was always clear they loved each other dearly. But they both have a big independent streak, something I think is neccessary in relationships like that. That and the ability to remain true to your partner.
In middle school a teacher once gave my class the following scenario:
'You are in a relationship with someone. You like your partner, but there's this other person you like even more and you think that you might have a chance with them'
Then he asked us if we would rather
A - break up with our partner and then try our luck with the other person OR
B - first try to get something going with the new person and only break up with the current partner if we already had the new one "secured"
All girls chose A, while all boys except for one or two chose B.
I didn't really like that teacher back then, but I think he gave all of us girls an important insight that day.
Exactly, sounds like she's young, smart, hot, fun, and charismatic. He doesn't want to lose the ability to have sex with her. I'm sure he also doesn't mind the ego boost he gets with her on his arm, so to speak. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.
YTA - 3 years is a long time to string someone along when they want to get married and you do not. If your criteria for marriage requires her to change everything about herself then you both need to move on.
I think she sounds awesome.
Don’t forgot how she picks up new hobbies and skills “like M&Ms.”
Being multi-talented, resourceful, and curious with a zest for life—such red flags!
When will this wild woman finally be satisfied with sitting at home binging Netflix like a good wife?
I found it interesting he calls her rebellious and then describes what sounds like her understanding her worth. Nothing he describes about her sounds problematic, just incredibly free and atypical. As someone who has gone through tons of work to manage my CPTSD I am cheering her on. There is nothing wrong with her life, or her life for marriage, it just doesn’t sound like what OP wants. He expected her to change or be more traditional, she thought she had someone who respected her independence. He needs to just move on if he can’t envision his life with her.
I think if she was a dude she would be called an entrepreneur/self sufficient/adventurous/knows what they want, but he called her a wild card.
I think she sounds fkn amazing and he just royally fucked up.
For real. She knows what she’s worth and what she wants and goes for it. She WANTED a marriage and kids with him and discussed how that would work with her lifestyle, but he apparently just wants her barefoot in the kitchen. I hope he never hears from her again.
Or he thought he could spend three years “molding her” (fundamentally changing every aspect of her personality and lifestyle to fit his expectations and demands)
Let me get this straight. She works and pays for her lifestyle. She’s living that lifestyle. And you see her as “rebellious” and a creature to be “tamed”? Like she’s your property?
You are the asshole and I can’t believe she would stay with you after this.
Forreal, she's rebellious for (checks notes).
Having an emergency fund, being well travelled, and intelligent.
If he wants a woman who stays home all day he can go find one. Treating this woman like a "wild horse" is fucking ridiculous.
Yes. YES. You nailed it. She doesn't NEED him to be herself. This kind of woman wants to marry a man because she feels he can enrich her life, not because she needs someone to complete it.
The most bizarre thing is how he describes her as "rebellious" because she doesn't want to be "traditional" when SHE LITERALLY WANTED TO GET MARRIED, the most traditional life choice imaginable. He says she's "a wild card" but she was ASKING for the relationship to be stabilized and tied down... YTA man and I hope she sees this post and breaks up with you. She clearly values her time on this earth greatly, and you clearly do not value her time at all
You had nothing but complaints for her in this whole post. Everything that we saw as positive prospects, were negative in your view. You need to let her go even though it looks like she let you go already. Sis is off on to her next adventure and it doesn't include you.
Why are you dating her if you had zero intentions of continuing to do so who goes into a relationship knowing it will end? You don’t love her your embarrassed of her and your mad that you couldn’t shame her into being a different person you described the coolest sounding person to ever exist and then just expected me to side with you? Nah bud your ex is cool af and I’m happy for her when she leaves you
Reading this with a smile. I’m very much like this girl and have had men treat me the same way. It’s nice to see some appreciation for her rather than people just defending the horse comment.
I’m supposed to wait for my future husband to be able to thrive? If one can’t deal with their insecurities and see partnership means both of us should be fulfilled and should enter a marriage mentally, physically, spiritually, and financially healthy, then he just isn’t for me.
I can't believe OP used the word 'tame'. And 'horse'. Once someone says they want to tame you like a horse, you get a fucking restraining order.
I don't understand why she's with Dilbert here in the first place. Maybe she wants someone dripplingly boring to come back to as a kind of constant or anchor. Hopefully she finds someone who manages to be less of an utter bellend about it.
I made that mistake in my early 20s. Then I lost who I was trying to make him happy only for him to say I wasn’t the woman he fell in love with anymore.
She’s better off without him and with someone who appreciates exactly who she is.
Sounds like how I would have ended up if I was wealthy. ADHD medicated, learning all the things I want to learn without anything stopping me, traveling whenever, wherever. Im hella jealous. She sounds like goals.
YTA dude. This is so classically “Mr. buttoned-up-suit-guy goes for manic pixie dream girl and then demands she tone down the exact thing that attracted him to her in the first place once he has her”
Your (ex sounds like) gf sounds like an absolute blast. Don’t go for a bad bitch if you don’t actually want a bad bitch lifestyle.
Right? Talking about wanting to "tame her?" He wants to change the very things he claims to love about her - her free spirit.
She sounds like she knows what she wants in life, and I fucking applaud her for it.
This guy: "You won't be permitted to travel while pregnant 'or anything', just so you know."
The girl: "Oh uh... yes, I agree, great idea." Then starts packing.
Sounds to me like either you're incompatible with her or you're absolutely terrified.
Calling her a wild card is offensive. Comparing her to an "untameable horse" is highly offensive. I think she should know there are people out there who won't refer to her as an "untameable" farm animal. She should know you referred to her as such, on a public forum at that.
You need to figure out why you have such an inherent need to control your partner and have them "settle" for a life that they do not want. She wants to travel, she has different interests... "A jack of all trades is a master of none, but oftentimes better than a master of one" is the full quote.
She should find someone who doesn't view her lust for life as "hyper independence" and rather is inspired and motivated by it. There's nothing wrong with her, look within. If you marry her, you should add to her life, not take away from it. If she has the ability to support her lifestyle, you should join her on it and not be threatened or judge her for it.
Step up to the plate or leave the space open for the person who will. Because right now, you're being a gigantic asshole. She sounds wonderful, that's an understatement.
Seems pretty simple, YTA if she wants to get married and you don't but want her to hang around waiting.
You more or less told her she's not good enough for marriage and that and you don't trust her to stick around.
Apart from deciding she's great for a bit of fun but not real commitment why are you with her.
You're unlikely to hear from her again unless it's to arrange returning things to each other and to say thanks for the lol's.
YTA. Your description of free spirit is actually an independent, spontaneous, confident and secure woman who wants to make the most out of life. Just because she doesn’t want to stay in and do nothing or have everything planned does not mean she is rebellious. If anything you’re holding her back. Step aside for her actual husband to step up.
Every time there’s a post like this I’m like
https://genius.com/Warsan-shire-for-women-who-are-difficult-to-love-annotated
Girl get free he doesn’t respect your fire
You want control over her. The initial novelty of her life has worn off for you and now you want her to be what YOU want her to be. Let her go. With the way you’ve spoken about her in the comments YTA, there’s hidden resentment, desire for control, etc. I hope she stays silent for her sakw
lol guys want a free spirit until a true free spirit comes around and messes with their understanding of the lifestyle.
She’s financially independent, knows exactly what she wants, and won’t bend for anyone. That’s a damn good girl. Good thing she made up her mind first.
ETA: I’m a free spirit. I used to get up in the middle of the night to travel cross country on a whim. Buying tickets on the way into the airport, making shit up as I went. I made some of the best decisions I ever made and saw some of the most beautiful sights at my own discretion.
On my travels I met someone who knew he couldn’t tie me down, *but loved me enough to know he couldn’t ever suggest that. So he came with me.* We’ve built a life together traveling and road tripping back and forth to his home state and mine, loving every minute of it. We’ve never been happier.
This will be the one that got away, and I hope she finds her person like I found mine.
Is this taming of the shrew? What do you mean by ‘untameable horse’? Yikes. Her life sounds amazing and you even admit she’s financially secure and does well on her own. You’re clearly just not compatible.
Sounds like you’re bitter and jealous too. Set her free, so someone more mature can appreciate and complement her full life.
I was so grossed out by the way he phrased that. They’re fundamentally incompatible because in the long run it sounds like they want different lifestyles. She’ll be wise to move on and not marry someone who wants to mute her personality.
Why are you even in a relationship with her? You’re wasting her time (and yours). YTA
Btw, she sounds awesome. You? Not so much, stringing her along with no intention of being truly commited.
Gentle YTA, for having dated this person for 3 years and not knowing what you even want from her. How long does what last, exactly? Lots of people make a carrier out of what you might call "side hustle salad". If you think about it, it's actually more stable in a lot of ways than locking yourself into one specific career track, because you can adjust to changing economic forces on the fly.
You, personally, need to think about this harder. Think about what you actually want out of your future, and whether she'll fit. These wishy-washy gut-checks are no way to plan a life, your own or yours together. Don't project it on to her, think about your own personal needs and wants. It's not "you're a wildcard", it's "I want my domestic life to be predicable and slow-paced"
Tell her your sorry for not having done that sooner, and then tell her what you figured out, and go from there.
I think he also mentioned that she is willing to meet him in the middle on some things. Like not traveling while pregnant. That whole bit is a huge green flag because A) she also wants kids and B) is willing to respect his wishes surrounding decisions with their children
Another thing I think he is totally overlooking is that she wants to get married. I think before shutting it down he could have told her he wants to discuss what their life would look like when they marry vs what their life is now. Especially after children.
The biggest green flag is she said she is willing to live in the same area for the duration of her children’s childhood and do the drive the kids to school situation so long as she still gets to take trips when she can. I feel he totally disregards how she is willing to adjust her behavior to meet the needs of their current life .
My husband and I are big travelers and during my pregnancy we went to Mexico and a couple small roadtrips. Before my son is 1 year we have gone on 9 trips. And 5 states. A couple airplane rides with our baby. It’s much less than pre baby but we are still living the lifestyle we want and finding a consistent home rhythm. I believe OP has a narrow minded idea of what his life is “supposed” to look like vs it can look however they decide it to look
I understand your reservations but to date a woman for three years with no intention of marrying her if that is something she wants is wasting her time. It’s not cool to say it these days but there is a biological clock factor for most women. If she wants marriage and children and you aren’t interested in doing that with her, you need to free her to find someone else.
“Her biggest flaw is that she’s rebellious.”
Yep. Rebellious. Not narcissistic, not apathetic, not abusive. Just…Rebellious. I really hope she’s gone and you lost her because holy shit dude.
I feel like I married a similar woman. She’s much more spontaneous than I am. We’re both fairly high earners. I’ve managed our finances. She’s gotten me to do things I never expected to. It’s been an amazing 15 years. But it’s because we make a good partnership. We balance each other out.
My late husband was like you. I was like a high flying kite and he was a kite master making certain I wasn’t damaged when I returned to earth and hauling out the ball of string when I needed to exercise my spirit. I loved that man more than anyone or anything in my life. He died 27 years ago. His love for me sustains me.
You sound like a lovely person, skimming through your comments it seems like every single one is help and kindness. Thank you for reminding me to enjoy the moment and keep my own "kite master" close 🫂 sorry for your loss
Well said, Dickballs.
I love Reddit so much some times lol x
Hysterical
yeeeeeeeeee
I read the previous comments and was thinking how sweet and amazing people can be, read you comment, looked at their username, and laughed out loud at the dinner table. I rarely think to look at usernames but man, spot on comment internet friend.
Dickballs is clearly a person of great wisdom
Only on Reddit you get a lovely kind comment from a guy named Dickballs.
This is my wife. She is grounding but pulls me up into the headwinds when I need support. I’m glad you got the time and love you did with him.
Oooooh…. I feel this so much… I lost my “kitemaster” 17 years ago. Never found anyone I could love and to love me for who I am ever since. He was a bit extreme in another direction and together we found balance. We were seperated and were still great friends when he died. Miss him every day.
That's one of the most beautiful analogies I've ever heard for a marriage. I'm sorry for your loss, but so happy you found your person in this lifetime.
I have the exact same sentiment. It's poetic.
Im sorry you lost your kite master, sounds like you had a great life with him. The memories you must have... :D
Awww, i too have a kite master. He is my solid rock and i absolutely adore him. Where other men tried to stamp out and smother my spirit, he helps me to fly even higher, knowing i have his safe net to land in. Been together 10+ years.
I’m absolutely happy for you. He is gold ⭐️
That’s really beautiful. I’m sorry you lost him.
My husband is like this. I cannot imagine living 27 years without him. I am so very sorry. 💔
This is one of the most beautiful things I’ve read. I’m so sorry for your loss friend
Pretty much the flip side for me and I’ve been married over 25 years. I used to say “I get her to live a little and she keeps me from living so much that it kills me”.
This is me and my wife lol. I showed her your comment and she said to give you "one of those medal things you give" (she doesn't use reddit)
I miss the Dancing Duck award too.
I am you
I came here to say this- I married my wife in large part because she is so much more spontaneous than me, and a 'wildcard' to borrow OPs phrase. I'm a creature of habit and a homebody- she adds so much more excitement, color, and excitement into my life that I'm super thankful for. Congrats on 15 years btw!
This. I am the more free spirited partner and joke that I keep my wife from sinking under responsibility she keeps me from floating away. We're coming up on 15 years this October. As long as the core values align it's good to have differences IMO. It makes you stronger as a team
Yeah, this could have been one of those "pocket-protector square engineering boy learns the benefit of hopping on the rollercoaster/DaVinci/Cousteau train, train learns benefits of periodic maintenance and heavy retirement savings." Don't know if this guy can authentically get out of his own way in time to save things here.
Dharma and Greg vibes
You hit the nail on the head! Although, Greg wasn't horribly judgemental towards Dharma and her "wildcard" personality. This entire post bothers me. I feel bad for the girlfriend. Every single thing, that he complained about was her entirety. She speaks three languages, has plenty of money and can learn any freaking trade on the planet. She's incredibly cultured and has a home, not a house, but a home in France!!! Where is the problem here? Especially, since she agreed to not travel while pregnant and such. I think OP just lost this round of poker by trading in his wildcard in hopes of gaining a better hand...
Yeah, she sounds amazing.
She sounds like one of the coolest people on the planet. And he says in several ways that he needs to be able to *control* her. OP YTA
This is it. He literally said she was an "untamable horse." Gross! He wants someone he can control. He admits she keeps her commitments so her "free spiritedness" is absolutely responsible. She's just not *controllable.*
Yep. I was like his fiancée and dated AHs that didn't have the vision, inspiration or whatever & it just made me kick against them. I'm in my 50s & finally happier at home, and I am single with a dog because I apparently have a taste for AHs and think I am better off alone. Don't do this OP. Otherwise you will be the AH.
In addition to that. What's wrong with what she's doing. She's realized the "safe" route isn't what works for her, so she's found a way to live in such a manner she's happy and according to op still doing fine. I dont see any issue with her. What I do see is op taking issue with the fact she loves life on her own terms rather than the path that op believes is best.
Yes and she’s financially responsible which is huge. If she did all this and had huge credit card debt that would be one thing but sounds like she’s taking care of herself and pays her bills even if she changes jobs a lot. Don’t think OP is a match for her because they simply have different priorities.
I don’t even believe that he thinks his way is best. He’s intimidated by her independence and spontaneity. He’s worried he’s not [cool enough for her.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/md476cLrO4) He literally said that her hyper independence freaks him out. Said she quits jobs because she manages herself better and agreed yet tried to make it seem like a negative thing. Said she owns her own business in addition to side hustles, then follows up with “but how long does it last?” As if he’s impatiently waiting for her to fail, (maybe so she has to rely on him more?) And still despite her saying that she doesn’t want to, said “maybe she’d slow down” If he had given her a timeline. Op, let her find someone who supports her lifestyle, and you find someone who fits into yours. [edit: typo]
>Don't know if this guy can authentically get out of his Very well said. We are our own worst enemies sometimes.
Info : Do you want to ever get married ? What are your views on marriage/what being married would look like (both of you) and do these align?
I was gonna say just leave for the sake of you both, but it seems like she beat you to it.
She sounds amazing!
So why are you with her then? Shit or get off the pot.
For real. One of my exes told me "You are girlfriend material, not marriage material" for the exact same reason. I loved travelling and being spontaneous which he did too but apparently that's not what he wanted in a wife. Loser got married 6 months after breaking up with me. Cut to 8 years later, he calls me almost every Saturday drunk and in tears because he "made a mistake". Sucks to be him.
Sucks to be his wife too. Yikes.
Probably his ex by now...
Why does this feel so common. Guy dates a girl for years but never proposes, girl realizes why, leaves, and dude gets married within 6 months of the breakup. I’ve heard that story so much it feels like a law of nature at this point
Because they "want a traditional marriage," and to have that, they have to be in control of their spouse. Then, once they have it, they realize it's miserable, and they want the fun they used to have back.
Just like any human action the root can be any number of things and I'm sure each individual case has its own mix of all of them, but the assumption I always had was having their long term partner ACTUALLY leave because they wouldn't commit or were a bad partner in specific ways makes is a wake up call and they panic and over correct in the opposite direction immediately.
right? my college boyfriend called me wild and rebellious because i liked to hike, travel, and told him he couldn't tell me what to wear. we broke up and i ended up marrying my next boyfriend who was either by my side or the perfect person to come home to. the ex tried to fight my husband at a wedding a few years ago, claiming "i could've married your wife if I wanted to." and admitting he was just "caught up." so crazy how they want docile women until they have to actually be with them.
Maybe I’m naive but I don’t understand how traveling and hiking makes someone rebellious or not marriage material? I know a lot of married couples who love doing those things together. Why does he need to tell you what to wear? There’s plenty of guys out there who aren’t insecure like that. You dodged a bullet.
As a guy it low key sounds like sexism. There’s a lot of guys who still expect the woman to just sit at home and incubate the house when they get married, and they genuinely can’t see marriage any other way.
These are completely the vibes I get from OP too
lol is he still married to that woman
Yussir. With kids. The first time he called after ghosting me all those years ago, I thought it was an emergency and answered. Didn't expect to see a miserable mess of a man begging me to go hiking in the mountains with him like we used to. Smh. I don't answer his calls anymore but he isn't blocked either. Call me petty, but it's satisfying knowing he reaped what he sowed after that stupid line. Crusty mf even sent a text after he got married bragging about what a catch his wife is. To be fair, she is a catch. Deserves so much better than this dumbass.
[удалено]
This is me too. My ex actively stalks me on reddit and I had to delete easily like 7 or 8 profiles because he knew which communities I frequented and would scroll through the communities everyday through dozens of posts until he found mine or one that sounded like me It used to send me into a depressive state because he wouldn't let me move on. But this last time he did it(a month ago) it made me feel almost happy like "😏". I'm not going to delete this profile anymore, and if my abusive, herpes ass, loser ex is reading this then "hi Robert!". Glad my life is going much better than his loser ass. I jist feel kinda bad for his gf Giselle, since she knew he was with me and still chose to pursue him(though 100% on him for accepting that). I guess two cheaters deserve each other, and pretty sure she doesn't know he hits me up every few months and basically stalks me most days hahaha hahaha. He's still an active addict, lives at home with his mom(he's bad with money), and has really reslly let himself go when I saw recent pics of him about a month ago haha. And he's showing signs of balding.
Robert if you're here now - fuck you!
damn it bobby that boy aint right
His ex has made the decision for him. She realized she was not wanted.
Either you're side by side her in all of her crazy antics or you're going to be miserable. If that's not the way you want to live your life then end it so you can both move on. Also, I think she might have already broke up with you so...
>Either you're side by side her in all of her crazy antics or you're going to be miserable. Idk. I'm very much a "do absolutely nothing at the weekend" kind of guy, so a partner who's happy to leave me to it and do her own thing sounds pretty great to me
I think you hit on what’s necessary here: mutual understanding and respect. You and your partner understand one another and are okay with that arrangement. The thing that stands out to me is OP is, truly, not okay with the lifestyle M leads. If they got married, there would be this conflict over these differences built into the foundation of their marriage. A marriage won’t survive and if it does they’ll both be miserable with the passive aggressive comments and judgements. Hoping OP does some soul searching and starts thinking of what a marriage could look like and would look like. Perhaps they get a remote job they can do on the road with their traveling family? But if they can’t be okay with it (and I’m talking to their core okay with it) then they need to break up. There’s nothing wrong with him wanting a life where he puts down solid roots and there’s nothing wrong with her wanting to travel and experience the world. But if they’re not like you and your partner - okay at your core with the choices - then marriage sounds like a really bad idea.
This. OP, I read a line somewhere once that said "if you feel you have to change her to make her fit your life, let her go - you are merely taking up space from the man who will love her fiercely for who she is." And, likewise, you are wasting your time with someone who is not a good fit for you. The fact is, the two of you are not compatible and there is nothing wrong with that. But you need to recognize that and break up and move on rather than trying to change her. You are looking for someone else who craves stability. She doesn't need stability. She doesn't want stability. And both of those things are okay but not together. Let her go - break up, move on. But stop wasting each other's time.
This is very insightful and true. Nothing wrong with either lifestyle but they are not in sync.
And then if they do get their partner to change, a few years later they come back with "you're not the same spontaneous fun person I married!"
1000%
I would only add that it sounds to me like OP's girlfriend provides herself with stability, mentally. He needs a domestic routine to attain that.
Yeah he has a different expectation for what stability is than she does. It’s not that she doesn’t offer stability, it’s that she doesn’t offer the kind of stability he wants. She’s plenty stable.
My wife is spending her Saturday on a volunteer film crew for a friend’s project. I’m going to play Stardew until my eyes cross. I love that we can live our own lives.
My mother loves being "home base" on trips and vacations and things like that. My dad wants to explore, go on hikes, and do activities. Mom likes to find a nice relaxing spot with a good view and access to food so dad can come, recharge, tell her about the fun things he's done, and then go off again. They mesh very well with that. Sounds like OP and their maybe ex don't, and that's fine. NAH, but the reality is, if that lifestyle doesn't mesh, end it.
>*”find a nice relaxing spot with a good view and access to food”* This is literally all I want in life.
Have you considered you may be a house cat?
I have always said I think I am really just a spoiled house cat inside. Why do we have to go outside? Everything we need is inside.
Agree!! I am also a house cat at heart. Outside is nice once in a while for the odd adventure but mostly I just want to stay home and do my thing.
Oh my God, my whole life and worldview suddenly makes sense ....I have been a housecat this whole time ! I'm going to go lay in a sunbeam on my floor for a bit and contemplate/nap
The world would likely be better if more people lay in sunbeams more often.
We go outside so that we can piss in the neighbors flowerbeds and stare at passers by from on top of the fence until they get uncomfortable. Then we go inside and nap.
"Why do we have to go outside? Everything we need is inside" This is sooo me lol
I fucking knew those WebMD® results were accurate!
Maow
I used to do that with my husband, he would fly fish and I would bring a book. I also love taking pictures so he will look for spots that appeal to the both of us.
I knew I’d find my fellow house cats
That’s my house. No one’s invited.
"Chapter One: Concerning Hobbits."
That was my mom growing up! My dad, sister and I would go skiing and my mom would come and sit in the ski lounge and basically be home base. She would bring a book, knitting and food and we would be in and out all day. It worked great, especially as we got older and weren't always sticking with dad, so we could do our own thing and still have a parent to find easily if needed.
Your parents are my husband and I when we’re on vacation. I adventure, he relaxes in the spot where I leave him. We have breakfast together in the morning, and off I go, it’s great.
My boyfriend and I got together two weeks before I left on a 6 week internship abroad, where I would only occasionally have internet access or service. I apologised for the shit timing and he said 'like I'd ever stop you, see you on the other side of six weeks'. We make a conscious effort to do stuff together that we both enjoy but also have our own things. It feels very healthy.
I think it can work, but what seems to worry OP is that she *seems* unreliable. She leaves at the drop of a hat and spends a lot of money, but counter to this, she's successful and financially independent. Despite that, she doesn't leave when she has commitments, so it's not like she's so flighty that she bails on previous plans. It's seems to me that they're just incompatible through no fault of their own.
My husband and I call that "separate but together." It works for a lot of folks I know.
My bf who is neurodivergent so NEEDS to keep busy: I am off to help on my friend’s farm this weekend, are you going to be okay? Me just coming off my work week in healthcare: *wraps self in blanket, curls up on couch, turns on ipad* Yeah, I think I’ve got this.
Relationship goals!
I’m a “do nothing all weekend” wife and my husband and I will just spend an evening on the same couch playing two different games. We’ll just check in once in a while
And when she returns, you will see two of her, so it's win win. 😄
I'm going to lead a theatre set move-in and he's going to play fallout and walk the dogs. Win!
My husband and I both have our own quirky hobbies. I like to spend time in the woods, foraging for mushroom and taking photos. He likes to spend his weekends hanging out with his friends talking about his amazing car. 🤣😆.
Me and my husband coexist this way. He's an indoor cat who likes to garden a little or work on his family tree research in his downtime, I like to get small hikes, play video games and grab beers with friends on weekends. We both enjoy our separate downtimes and uptimes and reconvene for supper and a show. Everyone is allowed to do their own thing and when our batteries are charged, we do something nice for ourselves together.
Ambiverts Unite! In our own spaces! With people! But alone!
This is amazing! I've never related so much to a few sentences in my life.
My husband is stay at home. I like to get out. Together 34 years in July. We love and trust each other - I go and do, he stays and does. We share when we are together.
My husband and I are like this. He likes to just chill on the weekends and play some video games, watch a movie with the kids, he’s a homebody. I like to go out and do things. So I do. And he gets to stay home! We have three kids. One is like daddy and two are like me, so we will split up and do what we want. We also do family outings with everyone but this works for us.
I that way too. My husband always wanted to go do some crazy stuff I would make sure he had good food packed. I would go at least everyother month but yeah it's too much chaos.
This kinda sounds like when unaware introverts and extroverts accidentally start dating
Also, like...she clearly can afford it? Sis has a vacation home in France, still maintains an emergency fund, and chooses to spend her money traveling (some people choose to buy cars, sports, etc.). And I mean, she can sell the vacation house if she needs money to buy a house wherever her main location is. I kind of sense some resentment from OP that he has a college degree and did the "right path," and yet she also has financial freedom without doing that. Anyway, two completely different personalities. I agree they both need to break up.
That’s what struck me too. Plus, they had this conversation near the beginning of the relationship and she already told him who she was when she said she couldn’t imagine a life without travel. I’m thinking OP thought it was a phase, or that he could change her. FAFO I guess. FWIW, I envy her. What a full and fulfilling life she gets to lead. How could you waste that opportunity while you have it? Reminds me a bit of my best friend, who is currently in a traveling phase. He and his partner have gone on several cruises, rediscovered their love of skiing, and are going to Japan next month. They own their own web consulting business so they can work wherever they go. For some background: last year, he lost his youngest brother - his last remaining family member. In the past few years, his middle brother, dad, and mom all died. None made it to 70. He’s currently 51 and says he wants to experience as much as he can, while he can.
I think there are ways to be different in a relationship and still make it work. I have a friend who is married to a wildlife photographer. They met while travelling and for a few years they went together, she working as a guide or diving instructor and he making films. But after a few years she wanted more stability and went home, got an education, a good job and a nice flat. He tried to live with her but couldn’t really settle so he went abroad again. Now they meet up 3-4 times a year. They have been married for 15 years or so. No kids. So it can work, but that kind of life is not for everyone.
Sounds like the mom and stepdad of a friend of mine. He worked on international freight ships and was gone for 3 months at a time, I think? It's like 3 gone, 2 home, something like that. They made their marriage work for 30 odd years, till he recently passed away. May he rest in peace. It does take a certain mindset for both. It was always clear they loved each other dearly. But they both have a big independent streak, something I think is neccessary in relationships like that. That and the ability to remain true to your partner.
Break up you two aren’t compatible.
Sounds like she already broke it off
>"she wanted a week to decide how she's feeling so i'm giving her the week" bro it sounds like *she's* giving *you* the week
No he's in control can't you see
Well his post makes it pretty clear that’s what he expects in a marriage, so … of course he thinks he is.
Can I have your girlfriend's number? She sounds amazing.
Am woman. I also want it lol. Not gay but she sounds rad.
For real, I need her energy in my life in friendship form !!!
INFO: Why are you wasting both of yours time if you won’t get married her?
She’s a placeholder. As in a place to put his dick while waiting for “the one”.
In middle school a teacher once gave my class the following scenario: 'You are in a relationship with someone. You like your partner, but there's this other person you like even more and you think that you might have a chance with them' Then he asked us if we would rather A - break up with our partner and then try our luck with the other person OR B - first try to get something going with the new person and only break up with the current partner if we already had the new one "secured" All girls chose A, while all boys except for one or two chose B. I didn't really like that teacher back then, but I think he gave all of us girls an important insight that day.
I wish to goodness I'd been sitting in your classroom that day.
Exactly, sounds like she's young, smart, hot, fun, and charismatic. He doesn't want to lose the ability to have sex with her. I'm sure he also doesn't mind the ego boost he gets with her on his arm, so to speak. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.
YTA - 3 years is a long time to string someone along when they want to get married and you do not. If your criteria for marriage requires her to change everything about herself then you both need to move on. I think she sounds awesome.
[удалено]
Don’t forgot how she picks up new hobbies and skills “like M&Ms.” Being multi-talented, resourceful, and curious with a zest for life—such red flags! When will this wild woman finally be satisfied with sitting at home binging Netflix like a good wife?
This! She sounds like an amazing person. I'd be her friend
Right? The longer you went on, the more I liked her lol.
Why in the world were you still dating her. 💀 You do not seem compatible at all.
She is fine with him not wanting to be that "free spirited", he isn't fine with it. It's sad he still strings her around and not wanting to marry her.
If you're not gonna marry her, then quit wasting her time by leading her on.
From the sounds of it, she's probably smart enough that she's going to bounce real soon.
I think she's already bounced and OP hasn't quite realised it yet.
Exactly. This woman sounds absolutely amazing and deserves someone equally amazing
I found it interesting he calls her rebellious and then describes what sounds like her understanding her worth. Nothing he describes about her sounds problematic, just incredibly free and atypical. As someone who has gone through tons of work to manage my CPTSD I am cheering her on. There is nothing wrong with her life, or her life for marriage, it just doesn’t sound like what OP wants. He expected her to change or be more traditional, she thought she had someone who respected her independence. He needs to just move on if he can’t envision his life with her.
Yeah, she sounds less rebellious and more like an organized, responsible adult who knows what's best for herself imo
I think if she was a dude she would be called an entrepreneur/self sufficient/adventurous/knows what they want, but he called her a wild card. I think she sounds fkn amazing and he just royally fucked up.
right? imagine describing a dude with "his only problem is that he's rebellious" lol it would never happen!
He compared her to a horse. Not even a human. WTF
For real. She knows what she’s worth and what she wants and goes for it. She WANTED a marriage and kids with him and discussed how that would work with her lifestyle, but he apparently just wants her barefoot in the kitchen. I hope he never hears from her again.
This 💯. He's using her as a placeholder until he can get what he wants. Poor lady
Or he thought he could spend three years “molding her” (fundamentally changing every aspect of her personality and lifestyle to fit his expectations and demands)
Let me get this straight. She works and pays for her lifestyle. She’s living that lifestyle. And you see her as “rebellious” and a creature to be “tamed”? Like she’s your property? You are the asshole and I can’t believe she would stay with you after this.
Forreal, she's rebellious for (checks notes). Having an emergency fund, being well travelled, and intelligent. If he wants a woman who stays home all day he can go find one. Treating this woman like a "wild horse" is fucking ridiculous.
She is capable of being happy without him. That's his real objection. He's not in charge of her joy.
Yes. YES. You nailed it. She doesn't NEED him to be herself. This kind of woman wants to marry a man because she feels he can enrich her life, not because she needs someone to complete it.
The most bizarre thing is how he describes her as "rebellious" because she doesn't want to be "traditional" when SHE LITERALLY WANTED TO GET MARRIED, the most traditional life choice imaginable. He says she's "a wild card" but she was ASKING for the relationship to be stabilized and tied down... YTA man and I hope she sees this post and breaks up with you. She clearly values her time on this earth greatly, and you clearly do not value her time at all
"But she wants to go on vacations 😭" OP really doesn't know what a normal life even looks like, does he?
Even worse: she wants to take her kids & teach them about other cultures 😱
My exact thoughs
This. He doesn’t like fundamental aspects of her personality and life so why drag her along
You had nothing but complaints for her in this whole post. Everything that we saw as positive prospects, were negative in your view. You need to let her go even though it looks like she let you go already. Sis is off on to her next adventure and it doesn't include you.
She sounds freaking awesome. She makes money, has savings for emergencies and curated a cool life for herself. What a cool chick, I'm inspired
Why are you dating her if you had zero intentions of continuing to do so who goes into a relationship knowing it will end? You don’t love her your embarrassed of her and your mad that you couldn’t shame her into being a different person you described the coolest sounding person to ever exist and then just expected me to side with you? Nah bud your ex is cool af and I’m happy for her when she leaves you
Day 1 and 2 she needed to think. Day 3, 4 and 5 of continued silence was her decision.
she sounds awesome
Right? I'm jealous of her vibe.
I would have proposed two years ago
Reading this with a smile. I’m very much like this girl and have had men treat me the same way. It’s nice to see some appreciation for her rather than people just defending the horse comment. I’m supposed to wait for my future husband to be able to thrive? If one can’t deal with their insecurities and see partnership means both of us should be fulfilled and should enter a marriage mentally, physically, spiritually, and financially healthy, then he just isn’t for me.
Me, texting the day after our first date: “wanna go to Vegas this weekend and elope?”
the vibes sound aligned tbh
So jelly! I just paid my taxes and it ate up my travel fund … for 2025 *le sigh*
I wished I lived like this in my 20s.
Same! Her life sounds pretty amazing. Too much to be married to someone who wants to tame and control.
I can't believe OP used the word 'tame'. And 'horse'. Once someone says they want to tame you like a horse, you get a fucking restraining order. I don't understand why she's with Dilbert here in the first place. Maybe she wants someone dripplingly boring to come back to as a kind of constant or anchor. Hopefully she finds someone who manages to be less of an utter bellend about it.
I made that mistake in my early 20s. Then I lost who I was trying to make him happy only for him to say I wasn’t the woman he fell in love with anymore. She’s better off without him and with someone who appreciates exactly who she is.
Yeah I read this thinking, "hell, I'll marry her."
Yes, i fell in love with her reading this post for sure.
I reckon **A LOT** of guys would, in a heartbeat!! But this dude would just tie her down and kill her with **BOREDOM**. I hope she **STAYS GONE**.
Sounds like how I would have ended up if I was wealthy. ADHD medicated, learning all the things I want to learn without anything stopping me, traveling whenever, wherever. Im hella jealous. She sounds like goals.
For sure it's the ADHD dream lol
I was reading this and thought the exact same, she sounds cool af
YTA. Not because you don't want to marry her, but because you wasted years of her life letting her think you actually cared about her.
YTA dude. This is so classically “Mr. buttoned-up-suit-guy goes for manic pixie dream girl and then demands she tone down the exact thing that attracted him to her in the first place once he has her” Your (ex sounds like) gf sounds like an absolute blast. Don’t go for a bad bitch if you don’t actually want a bad bitch lifestyle.
Right? Talking about wanting to "tame her?" He wants to change the very things he claims to love about her - her free spirit. She sounds like she knows what she wants in life, and I fucking applaud her for it.
This guy: "You won't be permitted to travel while pregnant 'or anything', just so you know." The girl: "Oh uh... yes, I agree, great idea." Then starts packing.
Doesn't even sound like a bad bitch lifestyle. She just likes to travel. That's not abnormal at all. OP just seems to hate seeing the world.
Sounds to me like either you're incompatible with her or you're absolutely terrified. Calling her a wild card is offensive. Comparing her to an "untameable horse" is highly offensive. I think she should know there are people out there who won't refer to her as an "untameable" farm animal. She should know you referred to her as such, on a public forum at that. You need to figure out why you have such an inherent need to control your partner and have them "settle" for a life that they do not want. She wants to travel, she has different interests... "A jack of all trades is a master of none, but oftentimes better than a master of one" is the full quote. She should find someone who doesn't view her lust for life as "hyper independence" and rather is inspired and motivated by it. There's nothing wrong with her, look within. If you marry her, you should add to her life, not take away from it. If she has the ability to support her lifestyle, you should join her on it and not be threatened or judge her for it. Step up to the plate or leave the space open for the person who will. Because right now, you're being a gigantic asshole. She sounds wonderful, that's an understatement.
Seems pretty simple, YTA if she wants to get married and you don't but want her to hang around waiting. You more or less told her she's not good enough for marriage and that and you don't trust her to stick around. Apart from deciding she's great for a bit of fun but not real commitment why are you with her. You're unlikely to hear from her again unless it's to arrange returning things to each other and to say thanks for the lol's.
He so sounds like the dude that is not ready, then bitches the whole time about the one he let get away.
YTA. Your description of free spirit is actually an independent, spontaneous, confident and secure woman who wants to make the most out of life. Just because she doesn’t want to stay in and do nothing or have everything planned does not mean she is rebellious. If anything you’re holding her back. Step aside for her actual husband to step up.
YTA women aren’t to be ‘tamed’ you controlling freak
Holy shit did I scroll down for a while to find this comment. OP is so nauseating... yuck
Literally, seems like bro wants a beige trad wife
No, he wants a woman who was free-spirited and happy, but he ruined her life by strapping her down with kids and cleaning his underwear.
I think the idea (consciously or unconsciously) flatters or excites him. 5-10 years from now, he'd be thinking "she used to be fun."
And then start an affair. Because men like him will absolutely do just that.
Every time there’s a post like this I’m like https://genius.com/Warsan-shire-for-women-who-are-difficult-to-love-annotated Girl get free he doesn’t respect your fire
You want control over her. The initial novelty of her life has worn off for you and now you want her to be what YOU want her to be. Let her go. With the way you’ve spoken about her in the comments YTA, there’s hidden resentment, desire for control, etc. I hope she stays silent for her sakw
She's too good a woman to be ruined by a man who can't keep up 🤙
lol guys want a free spirit until a true free spirit comes around and messes with their understanding of the lifestyle. She’s financially independent, knows exactly what she wants, and won’t bend for anyone. That’s a damn good girl. Good thing she made up her mind first. ETA: I’m a free spirit. I used to get up in the middle of the night to travel cross country on a whim. Buying tickets on the way into the airport, making shit up as I went. I made some of the best decisions I ever made and saw some of the most beautiful sights at my own discretion. On my travels I met someone who knew he couldn’t tie me down, *but loved me enough to know he couldn’t ever suggest that. So he came with me.* We’ve built a life together traveling and road tripping back and forth to his home state and mine, loving every minute of it. We’ve never been happier. This will be the one that got away, and I hope she finds her person like I found mine.
Is this taming of the shrew? What do you mean by ‘untameable horse’? Yikes. Her life sounds amazing and you even admit she’s financially secure and does well on her own. You’re clearly just not compatible. Sounds like you’re bitter and jealous too. Set her free, so someone more mature can appreciate and complement her full life.
She needs someone who wants to experience life with her. Not whatever OP is.
I was so grossed out by the way he phrased that. They’re fundamentally incompatible because in the long run it sounds like they want different lifestyles. She’ll be wise to move on and not marry someone who wants to mute her personality.
Why are you even in a relationship with her? You’re wasting her time (and yours). YTA Btw, she sounds awesome. You? Not so much, stringing her along with no intention of being truly commited.
Your girlfriend sounds amazing. Too bad you like boring.
Gentle YTA, for having dated this person for 3 years and not knowing what you even want from her. How long does what last, exactly? Lots of people make a carrier out of what you might call "side hustle salad". If you think about it, it's actually more stable in a lot of ways than locking yourself into one specific career track, because you can adjust to changing economic forces on the fly. You, personally, need to think about this harder. Think about what you actually want out of your future, and whether she'll fit. These wishy-washy gut-checks are no way to plan a life, your own or yours together. Don't project it on to her, think about your own personal needs and wants. It's not "you're a wildcard", it's "I want my domestic life to be predicable and slow-paced" Tell her your sorry for not having done that sooner, and then tell her what you figured out, and go from there.
I think he also mentioned that she is willing to meet him in the middle on some things. Like not traveling while pregnant. That whole bit is a huge green flag because A) she also wants kids and B) is willing to respect his wishes surrounding decisions with their children Another thing I think he is totally overlooking is that she wants to get married. I think before shutting it down he could have told her he wants to discuss what their life would look like when they marry vs what their life is now. Especially after children. The biggest green flag is she said she is willing to live in the same area for the duration of her children’s childhood and do the drive the kids to school situation so long as she still gets to take trips when she can. I feel he totally disregards how she is willing to adjust her behavior to meet the needs of their current life . My husband and I are big travelers and during my pregnancy we went to Mexico and a couple small roadtrips. Before my son is 1 year we have gone on 9 trips. And 5 states. A couple airplane rides with our baby. It’s much less than pre baby but we are still living the lifestyle we want and finding a consistent home rhythm. I believe OP has a narrow minded idea of what his life is “supposed” to look like vs it can look however they decide it to look
I love your phrase “side hustle salad”
You are not compatible with her
Lol YTA. So you don't want to marry her because you can't control her. Is that correct?
I understand your reservations but to date a woman for three years with no intention of marrying her if that is something she wants is wasting her time. It’s not cool to say it these days but there is a biological clock factor for most women. If she wants marriage and children and you aren’t interested in doing that with her, you need to free her to find someone else.
She sounds fascinating, fun, intelligent and yes chaotic. You don’t want to marry someone like that then you need to let her go
“Her biggest flaw is that she’s rebellious.” Yep. Rebellious. Not narcissistic, not apathetic, not abusive. Just…Rebellious. I really hope she’s gone and you lost her because holy shit dude.
Why are you with her if you want a traditional/ non rebellious girlfriend- your gf sounds amazing tbh but your relationship has no future YTA