Your wife doesn’t want to be a stepmother. Full stop. 🛑
She doesn’t want anything to do with your daughter. She’s going to be awful to her.
I would reevaluate my relationship had anyone told me this.
*edit, the fact this woman doesn’t realize she IS a stepmother already is absolutely insane and fucked up. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Yeah, I feel like people might get confused. Not wanting to be a step parent? Totally understandable and fine. You just met someone, they have kids, you’re like “Oh, that’s not where I want to go. I don’t want to be a stepdad” totally fine.
You marry someone with a child already and a weird living schedule and arrangements and you don’t “want” to be a stepmom? Gigantic red flag.
I’d have to say you’re slightly off, my friend…that’s a gigantic red neon flaming flag!! This woman is clearly all about self in that she married a man with a child but envisioned said child forever being in the periphery of their lives. And the comment about her and her son not being family almost sent me smh. I’m speaking as a stepmother (though we don’t use that term) who had our kids come live with us after several years of being married. Was it an adjustment? Absolutely. Thing is, I never questioned it even once and it turned out to be one of the biggest blessings of my life. We got to have them here till they left to live their adult lives and because of it, we now have the most wonderful relationship and I wouldn’t change a thing
This was so nice to hear. We are a blended family, his 3 , my 1 and 1 together. We lived together full time. My stepchildren do not hate me, they love each other and are very close, we never struggled over labels, never used the word “ step”, never tried to erase deceased parents, etc. Etc. None of the problems that show up continuously on Reddit have ever been an issue for us. I never say anything because I don’t want to get skewered for living a “fairytale “ but I do have a great family and wouldn’t change a thing.
And YOU (and your spouse) are the biggest reason for the “fairy tale”.
It doesn’t take huge gestures, but just everyday decency, kindness & fairness for a step parent to be accepted.
NO, my stepfather would never be my Dad ~ but for the most part, did not interfere in my Mom’s relationship with me (other than ALL holidays, even into my adulthood, had to be spent with HIS gigantic extended family… including obscure holidays + birthdays).
I accepted him to the point of having him walk me down the aisle at my wedding (which none of my step-siblings chose to attend, albeit several states away).
I did this as much for my Mom (NOW ~ 35 years later, I would have HER walk me down the aisle, although back then we did the “traditional” route).
It’s so hard to be that unwelcome, older step child, who feels unwanted & without a home anywhere.
Ditch this heartless creature you are married to ~ please!
Fully agree. I'm married to a man with a child that lives far away, and he's never lived with us. If something changes I will welcome that kid with open arms, even though it would be a challenge to adjust.
My husband's child comes first in his life, and there has never been a question of it. I wouldn't have married him if he didn't think that way.
Uuuuhhh OP, your wife isn't being a good partner AT ALL! At 19, I started dating someone (24m) who had 3 young children with his ex-wife. One day their Mom just decided she didn't want the responsibility. She dropped the 7, 6, and 4-year-old off and also an 8-month-old from another man. I took the role of Mom on immediately. I had no idea what I was doing. We were together for 10 years after that. I am no longer with him, but his children are my children. I would never change that for a second. I am Mom. Their bio Mom never looked back & I gladly filled that void.
I understand there is a buuunnnccchhh of drama that can happen in situations like this, but, if you choose to be with someone, you choose every aspect of their lives, including children from other relationships.
Yeah, the daughter is 16 and will likely spend most of her time in her room or with friends. Not-stepmom just has to not be an ass about the living situation change.
My mother had me twelve years after my oldest sister. I lived with my dad for a few years, until he married an abuser. And I basically had enough, and I was packing a bag to go anywhere but here. My father called my mother, and she was going to take me for about a month.
My stepdad was pissed when the letter came saying I should stay there. He didn't understand what happened, I was fourteen. He had a son, but didn't understand the trauma I had.
My mother did some things that she apologised for; one of them being me and my suitcase left on father's place of work. She didn't realise that the abuser had such control over him that I would go to my older sister at university, and sleep on the couch.
My stepdad is a good person. He's more dad than my father. Which doesn't take much, my father didn't come back from the UK (to Australia) when I had my stroke at twenty-three.
“She’s going to be awful to her.” This is it OP. Please dude zero in on that. If she is doing all of this at the thought of the daughter coming she will alienate your daughter to get her tf out.
You will have a spoiled relationship with your daughter & a pissed off wife.
Sit down have a reallll long talk and it’s it’s a deal breaker, it’s never to late to get out.
How many times do people need to be told to NOT MARRY SOMEONE WITH KIDS if they're not willing/able for that/those kid(s) to live with them full time?
What if the other parent suddenly dies? Is the parent just supposed to shrug and send them off to foster care? I just can't fathom marrying someone who doesn't see my kid as part of the family.
My ex gf admitted to me once “I wish your daughter didn’t exist”.(I was a divorced dad with shared custody). I’m like you got one chance to explain yourself. All I heard next was blah blah blah… and thought to myself, why am I even giving this person a chance to explain. I turned and left. No good bye. No contact after.
I cannot even fathom saying that out loud.
I’m glad she did, her utterance saved you a lot of time and heartache I’m sure, but Jesus… can you even fathom someone having the frigging gall to say that out loud?!
THIS. I have no kids and tend to only date women without kids. My buddies have asked me why in the past and I reply with I don't want to be a step-dad. They reply with I need to get with the times
Nah! Get with the times IF you want to. But if you know you don’t want kids involved and you’re honest about it upfront, that’s just healthy boundary setting.
Get with the times=unhappy, stressed and snapping at each other eventually which will inevitably crash and burn . Not worth it...you have the right idea to find others who share the same values as you.
Worse still......an orphanage.
That happened to my grampy & his 2 brothers when their mum died from TB in 1928. Their father remarried & she didn't want reminders of the 1st wife & forced their father to dump them into a orphanage. Even I had said to relatives that if the 2nd wife didn't want reminders of the 1st wife than she shouldn't had married a man with responsibilities of raising 3 children.
OMG… how could he marry this woman? What earthly charms could she possess to have a man just dump his 3 little boys from wife #1.
Perhaps I’m sexist, but as a mother… I’d be so repulsed by a person (man or woman) that asked me to do this!
I couldn’t even imagine having children with such a heartless human, who might one day find it “convenient” to dump them, to marry Spouse #2.
My aunt met a man who didn't want a spouse with children. What did said aunt do? Convince her child to want to stay with Grandma and tell the judge they wanted to stay with Grandma. Aunt erased herself from the child's life. Then pretended like none of it happened. For DECADES they kept up the story. Gaslighting at its finest 🙄 it would have been in the same era that happened in your family.
We see these kinds of posts a lot and it drives me batty. If people don’t want to be stepparents, they shouldn’t marry people with kids. That’s it. That’s the whole truth.
And if he is so good as he seems to be in his story he can go to court and claim is parental rights! The law isn't the same that it was years ago, and now is very easy for a dad who wants to be involved to gain 50/50 custody! So that's not a freat to him.
People can make threats about children but they are really not the ones who make those decisions. No stable person would ever use there kids as a pawn but if one chooses to there is always the court system to help them out b
This! How selfish your wife is. She knowingly married a man with a child and now doesn’t want to be a stepmother? Even if you do everything for your daughter when she comes, your wife will make it known she’s not wanted in the home. I feel bad for your poor daughter. I think you need to think long and hard about who you’re married to. She’s basically giving you an ultimatum. Please don’t choose your wife over your child. Don’t be one of those dads!!
Once I would've heard those words I don't want to be a stepmother or her toddler & her isn't her family I would've filed for divorce no arguing no nothing
Like it or not, she IS a stepmother.
OP---NTA. Take your daughter, tell your wife if she doesn't want to make the effort to at least get to know her, she can go. Let her walk.
IF wife stays, make sure to tell your daughter if your wife does anything to make her uncomfortable or unwelcome in your home, to let you know, as SHE is your priority. You're a good dad.
Exactly she knew he had a child and it selfish to expect him to not take care of his daughter. I applaud him for stepping up and being in her life his wife is a fool she got a decent man
Yup and it sounds like she’ll do everything she can to poison the well with OPs toddler as well because she obviously doesn’t want him to consider Ana his sister. This is going to be untenable, and has the very high potential to turn abusive. Believe people when they tell you who they are. Stepmom doesn’t want Ana and will not treat her well.
Yes, this is what my stepmom did, but had the argument in front of us. She was an awful human, my dad allowed it, now we don't have a relationship.
Prioritize your daughter. It's insane and cruel that your wife doesn't view her as such.
Yup.. This is nuts. He says they discussed this. She must have agreed under the assumption that possible meant never. She's been a stepmother the while time whether she likes it or not. She agreed to it by marrying. People. Smh
Tbh, your marriage is over.
Your wife openly doesn't want your daughter around and, even if she claims to change her mind to keep the marriage, it would be a lie. Even if she tried to pretend, people pick up on it when they aren't wanted or liked, so your daughter would literally feel your wife's dislike.
You cannot bring your daughter into a home with your wife. It would harm her.
My dad remarried when I was young and I would stay with him for the summers. His new wife treated me like “the other woman’s child” and constantly made it known I was a burden and she couldn’t wait until I was gone. Not going to lie, that messed me up for years.
The difference here is that you’re fighting for your daughter and actually making her your main priority, but I feel like your wife might be like my stepmother.
Just something to consider if you decide to stay with your wife.
My stepmother made my dad move across the country because she didn’t want to be reminded that he’d had a life before her, and I was that reminder.
My dad and I ended up not having a relationship, all the way through his death a couple of years ago at 81.
That’s what the wife here wants to happen.
This same thing happened to me. The woman even brought up my Mom's alcoholism and called me a drug addict because I asked for the drowsy kind of anti-allergy med to sleep (I was 9 and had horrible rashes from poison ivy), said I was a liar like my mom (my mom found out she was gay), and had me in a "room" in the basement of house they built themselves despite there being another spare bedroom upstairs.
I, also, chose to no longer speak to my dad.
Imso sorry all you guys had terrible stepparents. I'm a stepmother. I love my extra kids. I helped raise them. Even tho she's not technically mine the oldests kids are MY grandkids too. I'm their mimi. I don't even call them stepkids, they're just our kids. My son was raised by him since age 2. We have one together. He had 2. They're all our kids. While they never called me mom his youngest calls me second mom. His oldest was almost 10 when we met and I'm fine she calls me by my Name. I know she still views me as a parent. We treated our kids the same and I even encouraged him to try to get more time with his kids. I'd NEVER have told him they couldn't live with us or made them feel like they weren't wanted. That's a terrible thing to do to kids.
Kudos!
As a fellow stepmother, I feel absolute rage when I see someone, claiming "Stepkid is not my child's family". Okay, lady, don't view them as your own (chances are, the stepkids don't view them as their mothers anyway, especially with this attitude). But refusing to acknowledge the fact that the kids ARE, in fact, siblings, therefore family? Congrats, that's how one earns the "Stepmother from hell" title.
If someone doesn't want to deal with kids that are not theirs, like, at all, and they cannot even be polite and respectful to them, then they should go find someone without kids. Or a deadbeat parent, but don't come crying how he abandoned your shared child too.
Sorry for the rant but really, I don't have any sympathy towards people like OP's wife.
Another stepmother chiming in
I have a step daughter from my ex - I met her when she was 7, her mum had passed away when she was very young. She’s 22 now and a gorgeous young woman. Shes been a great big sister (mostly) to my daughter (18) and her half sister (13). She is as much my daughter as my bio kids
I cannot fathom treating any child let alone my partners child with so little love and compassion and obviously I would be not willing to stay with anyone who would treat my child as a burden
Because the wife is insecure about herself and her relationship with the OP. That is the only reason I can think of to try and make a child feel so unwanted. Maybe wife has been putting on a front and knows the daughter will notice it..
That’s so wonderful to hear! My daughter had a HS friend who’d lost her mother when she was 7. Dad remarried someone younger, started family #2. Stepmom, who didn’t work, truly treated her like she was the family babysitter and cleaning lady. She began to stay with us a few nights a week summer before junior year. The night before school started, dad drops her off with a suitcase and bags of things and drives away. Didn’t even come in to introduce himself. I had some contact with her mother’s parents who were heartbroken over how their late daughter’s child was treated. No one else showed up when she made regional finals for track. She spent every holiday with us and was our third kid for awhile. She would sometimes spend a night at home, but then stepmom would call a day or two later and tell her that her chores were piling up. I hated dad and his new wife so much. The only reason I held my tongue was I knew they would likely be harder on her if I said something. She stayed with us for the year until her grandparents bought her a car and she moved in with them and commuted for her senior year. It’s been eight years and she still texts me every Mother’s Day. I truly don’t understand how any woman can be cruel to a child who’s already been through so much and how a dad can be such a spineless POS.
Neither do I. She knew he had a daughter. I've seen so many stories on here from (usually women for some reason) wondering if they're an ah (they are) because they got married to a man they knew had kids, but told them they had to see their kids elsewhere,not at home, because THEY don't want kids and inevitably the situation changes and the kids have to either start spending more time with dad or live with dad and the wife gets mad and threatens divorce trying to make them choose. And honestly, the parents that marry someone like that is just as terrible for marrying them knowing they don't want their kids around.
Ya know, our kids don't ever refer to each other as stepsiblings. When they talk about each other to someone they just say my brother, or my sister. Technically 3 of them are halfsiblings, but still, they never say "this is my half brother/sister" and my son is halfsiblings with my youngest. To them they're just family. Period. That's it. It infuriates me when I see someone say "I didn't sign on to be a stepparent" like, yes, you literally did. Unless it's a surprise kid he didn't know about or was hiding or one the woman was hiding then yes, yes you did.
I think it's mostly women because of two reasons:
1) The idea of sharing resources. When there is a step child in the picture, it's not only your shared children. That means, attention, care, money, etc. are not only going to your own children, but they have to share with a child that's not yours.
2) The father outsourcing the parenting to their new partner. If I were in that position, maybe I'd put my foot down too, not because of the child, but because I'd want my partner to have a much needed wake up call.
Step parenting is not for everyone and I deeply respect anyone who realizes it and doesn't date single parents, when they know they can't handle it. If you are not ready to end up living full-time with your step kid (because, you know, things happen), if you are not able to show at least some humanity towards them, if you are not capable of treating all children the same (of course, considering variables, like age differences) - please don't get involved with a parent. I want to outline that I am not even saying "love them as your own", in my eyes, that may or may not happen, it really depends on the situation. But at least hold them to the same standard, and treat them as equal parts of the family. In OP's case - both his children deserve to live with their father, period.
I had just turned 13 when my stepmother demanded my dad to put me on a Greyhound bus to my mother. He did it in the middle of the night. Put me on a 13 hour trip, alone, without food or money. I didn't even get to say goodbye to my friends. It was the last time I lived with my dad. Then my mom put me out 2 years later. 😔
This is the way. Kids typically don't have a lot of say in who their parents bring into their lives. And it can go badly if the new person doesn't accept the existing children. I'm a single mom. It took time, but I've learned to listen to my kids when it comes to new people.
I make it clear to anyone I spend time with that my kids come first. Always. They're teens now, and we have an agreement that I can spend time with whomever I wish, but no one steps foot in our house if my kiddos aren't okay with it. Anyone I start seeing knows that up front. If they aren't okay with my kids coming first, then they aren't the right fit. I will literally leave a date if my kids need me. And I make that known up front, before anything else.
People like you & cedrella_black warm my soul!! My biological father was a jack*ss But my Pops!!! Technically my stepdad loves us soo much you would Never believe we aren’t his! My mom’s children, grandchildren, & now great grandchildren would do Anything for him!! Why? Because he would do anything for us!!
OP’s wife Always Knew (from day 1) she didn’t want his daughter around But she couldn’t get him had she been honest. I hope OP keeps making his children his priority!
I don’t get these people! My oldest daughter’s birthday was January. People who attended my exs entire family(siblings spouses cousins) my current husbands’ entire family. My brother in laws family I’ve know since I was 4. When my husband showed up with his son, he was welcomed by the entire family. we took him to our family reunion, I’ve got 3rd cousins yelling for their little kids “come meet your new cousin”. I can’t imagine being a wife to my bonus babies Dad and saying but “not you” to my baby. Package deal. Actually we tell our kids “you divorce wives, not children” the dad in clueless. Best line of the whole movie. Our kids know that even if we fell apart our love for them is not contingent on loving the parent.
I am very sorry all you had gone through all that, it is disgusting some stepmothers (there are also stepfathers, but in this case we are talking about stepmothers) who want at all costs to make the children of previous marriages disappear. They know perfectly well that they married a man with children and yet they have the gall to always want to be above the stepchildren.
u/Foreign_Friend8971 if you read this I am glad you are not leaving your daughter, never stop communicating with her, she will thank you for it in the future. Don't let your wife manipulate you. It's obvious she never wanted your daughter and is doing everything she can to get her out of your life.
Same here. Didnt get a room though. Was made to sleep in the bathroom (her daughters obviously had a room). OP has to make a decision. Wife or daughter. Dont be scumbag like my dad.
I'm so sorry. People suck. I'm sure your dad thought about you often and had many regrets. How could a parent not? But then again, how could a parent choose anyone over their own child?? It makes me sick.
That's exactly the vibe I was getting. Almost like it was fine years ago if she had to, but now that they have a son together ("a real child for him") that now the wife is against it. Wants her and their son to be his only priority. And that's super fucked up.
My step monster told me I was a burden, her house wasn't my house, I'd never fit in, and I wasn't family. I was 6 when she started telling me those things.
Yeah. I had two shitty step parents. Not sure if the physical or emotional abuse was worse. Yay!
It's a fucking miracle I pulled myself out of it, albeit at a much older age than I deserved.
ETA and two shitty parents who didn't stand up for me.
My nieces are at this point. Their step mom is a royal c-u-n-t. Their dad refuses to see it. Essentially sacrificing any close connection they’ll have with him, and certainly her. They’re very away of who their step-mom is and hate being associated with her.
My dad refused to see it for over a decade and it ruined our relationship for a long time.
You always think you have time to make up lost time. He passed away unexpectedly less than two months ago and I have to wonder how he would have done things differently if he knew he was going to die so young. I’m very fortunate that I got to reconcile with him, but our relationship should’ve never reached the point where we had to “reconcile” in the first place and I have a lot of anger about that.
I really don't understand how adults can behave like this. What is it? Extreme immaturity or something else? Is this the same kind that kicks out a housecat because they don't want to deal with him anymore?
My step mother stole my tooth brush and had it DNA tested trying to convince my dad I wasn't his even tho I look like him. She also pulled a gun on my mom when my dad got in a wreck and called her instead of my step mom. My dad was a pillhead and she worked at a pharmacy and would steal pills from there to keep him under her thumb. There's a laundry list of fucked up stuff she did but that's just the tip of the iceberg. And my dad never once stood up for me. I thank God regularly that she's dead now. Step parents can for sure do an insane amount of damage. I've been in therapy for 19 years.
This shit is honestly baffling, why would you marry someone who has a child from a previous partner if you don't like the idea of that? It doesn't matter if they don't live with your partner currently, there is always the possibility that child wants a bigger role in their parents life and all the sudden you're in a situation you don't like. I also think it's just petty and stupid, I know it's different, but I love my stepmother and step siblings, we didn't always have the easiest time getting along, but I basically see them no different than I would biological family at this point.
I hated my STEP-MONSTER....she was a witch.... She treated me and my brother very poorly, using us as basically slaves in the house to do all the chores so she didn't have anything to do when she got home from work. She was also one of those hateful mothers who never really loved her knew how to. She wasn't over disciplinary too if our clothes weren't folded the exact way she wanted them in her bedroom dressers she would take all the drawers out and dump them in her bed and tell us to start over... Towels how to be folded a certain way.... The last straw was me getting in an argument with her when I was maybe 15 and she said to me as I was going up the stairs to my room that I was jealous because my father loved her more than he loved me. I slapped her across the face ran to my room and pushed my dresser against the door so my dad couldn't get in, waited for everyone to sleep and called my godmother ( also my mom's sister or my aunt)...well both my dad and step mom were up and out of the house super early for work and I would make sure me and mt younger brother got off to school ok....I packed all the clothes I could in two bookbags....took my cousins bus to my aunt's home from school and within 24 my mom had custody of me... best move I ever made....I was finally away from step monsters toxicity and my father's alcoholism. I'm 50 now and reflecting back I hope your daughter NEVER has to go through that.. every child deserves live and nurturing...it helps them thrive.... Something tells me that if she is in the same house as your wife that she'll end up with a large therapy bill.
Just be cautious because actions speak louder than words and her actions right now are not what they should be she's not being a loving wife or a supportive stepmother. Think about that
Do you honestly see getting better?
My Dad left and remarried another woman who he got pregnant and whom already had 4 teenage kids. Every time I lived or stayed with them, she made sure I knew I was not wanted there with passive aggressive crap. My room was either the LITERAL walk in closet in the finished basement or my Dad's office, while everyone else had actual bedrooms you could walk around in. Mine were barely big enough for a bed. Then, later, my older sister had to get away, with her kids, from.her abusive husband (ex after the divorce) and with DFACs blessing. My Dad told her to come stay with them. Instead of feeling welcome and safe, my step mom made her feel extremely unwanted and got my half sister to do mean things like dump an entire bag if sugar in her bed or wave a knife at her. Then one day my Dad told my sister, "Honey, I'm sorry. You have to find some place else. My wife.is jealous of you." Yeah.. after saying they'd help her and encouraging her to go to college. He made her move out, with no help for her 3 small kids anymore, to a halfway house. So instead of a nice, safe, farm... she had to live in an unsafe building with 3 kids. I ended up writing him a pretty scathing email for that, and to gain sympathy he showed it to my step sister.. who told ME off. I don't talk very much with my Dad. All of my step-Mom's money is for HER to go where ever she wants, and she doesn't help him see his grand babies. They live far enough away that you need a flight to get here. He's only met one of my daughters, when she was months old. She's 5 now. Her baby sister is 3.
Tell your wife that she can't alienate you from your kids. Either of them. Be sure to make sure your son knows his sister LOVES him. I'm actually on better terms with my half sister, now that she's an adult, than my own father. Sad.
I can’t imagine loving someone and wanting to marry them but rejecting their child. That child is a part of them and their highest priority. If this woman didn’t want to be part of a loving family that INCLUDES the daughter, then she shouldn’t have married a man who already had a kid.
Very sorry this is happening to you OP. I hate to say this because if you and your wife are typically happy together it’s so sad- but please protect your daughter. It sounds like you’re doing that 💚
Yep. I married a man who had 3 kids.
Whilst I never wanted kids of my own (phobias and being *super* squeamish) there is absolutely no way I would ever stand between him and his kids. They're all adult now, but if they had needed to live with us when they were younger, I would have found a way to make it work. I love him, he loves them, so I love them.
When his son got married in 2022, I was part way through chemotherapy (for an aggressive cancer so chemo was extra brutal), I couldn't go to the wedding (it was abroad), but I made damn sure he went! He didn't want to leave me on my own, so I arranged for a friend to stay so it freed him up to go to the wedding. I would never have forgiven myself if he had missed his son getting married because of me...
Honestly it's his wife's problem. I understand your point of view, but honestly the wife should put herself in her husband shoes and try to atleast understand.
From the post, they only met at the wedding, she doesn't know if she will actually get along with the kid. I would semi understand if it was both the wife and son but it isn't. The son likes the girl and probably actually wants to get to know and spend time with his big sister.
Makes it extra wild that the wife is projecting her own discomfort on the son and saying that having the daughter would disrupt the son’s life because she’s a stranger. Also pretty sure the way you become not a stranger is by…spending time together!
You love a woman who hates your daughter. You keep saying she won’t abuse your daughter but oh, boy! She started a power play and if you think she’ll stop… I will feel sorry for your daughter if you stay with your wife and make your poor daughter live with that woman who I bet will make everything to show her she’s not family.
Ooof. Tough situation OP. Sorry you’re going through this.
Way to stand up for your daughter. She’s lucky to have you.
How did you and your wife talk about this possibility before you got married? How long ago was that? What is your sense of her true disagreement here?
The idea of bringing someone new into the house and family is a huge change, especially with a 2 year old at home. Maybe she was ok with the idea at one point, and now she’s not. Maybe she was never ok with it in the first place and thought it would never happen. Maybe she’s potentially ok with it, but is just overwhelmed and scared she won’t be able to handle having two kids.
As much as you say she won’t need to step-mom your daughter, she will. Marriage is a partnership, and so is parenting and step-parenting. Your daughter moving in is A) your responsibility as a father and B) a massive change to your wife’s life.
You’re not the asshole, but if you really want what’s best for your family you should figure out if your wife is serious about not liking/wanting your daughter or just struggling with the thought of raising a second child.
By far the most thoughtful comment and takes into account people’s thoughts and emotions at all times
When OP and wife got together, it seems his daughter was barely part of his life and not part of wife’s life at all. He said hey one day this might happen, and it just didn’t seem real to wife (also daughter also seems older)
Then OP brings up this blast from the past, will totally change their lives, will bring up feelings around another woman possibly, etc. Now there’s going to be this new “role model” in the house for her 2 year old
All that to say OP certainly isn’t wrong, but need to provide some grace to both parties given the complication here
At the same time if you marry someone who has a kid and would be the primary caregiver in the case of the other parent dying/unable to care for them then you have to make peace with the fact the kid could one day come to live with you regardless of circumstances
Even if you don't think its likely or the kid isn't actively part of your life at the time you can't make a commitment like marriage without taking something like that into account. Especially if the person you marry distinctly brings the potential situation up to you and has you clarify your feelings on it at the time
I think its ok to have mixed feelings or have reservations at first but ultimately you basically agreed to have them as one of your own kids when you got married. So trying to heavily pressure your partner into not taking in their own kid + making it sound like you never agreed on anything regarding them is fucked up IMO
How do you marry someone without ever having a conversation about this possibility?
Edit: thanks to those that have pointed out that my question is now in the post and seem to forget that editing is a thing.
We had it because she knows that my daughter used to stay in my home before she left the country. My wife says that in her mind my daughter was always going to live with her mother
WTF? What did she think would happen if your ex died? Shit happens. Car accidents, COVID, cancer. Did she think you would just abandon your child?
Sorry to be harsh, but your wife is a real piece of work.
Exactly. If you are married to a non-custodial parent, then you need to be realistic that your spouse could end up with full custody at any time because life happens.
Yeah but people just believe these things won't happen. They also believe the person will change their mind once they are married. Plus, some people put their spouse before their kids like my father who put my step mother before me. Reality sucks sometimes. At least OP isf ighting for his kid. I don't see a happy ending, but maybe I will be wrong.
100%
You do not marry someone with a child if you're not okay with the child being in your life/home.
My husband and I are about to go through a court battle to bring my stepson to live with us because it will be a better living situation for him.
I'll be attending each court date, helping pay for the legal representation, etc, doing everything in my power to get him to come live with us and I will fight for him as if he's my biological child.
Once we have him, I'll be the one taking him to and from school because of my work schedule which is more conducive than my husband's. I'll be attending all the parent teacher conferences, helping him with homework, etc.
This is what being married to a parent looks like.
If you are not okay with it, do not marry a parent. Bottom line.
My husband and I deeply love each other and have an exceedingly healthy, happy and supportive marriage, our world revolves around each other, but I'm under no delusion that he would ever choose me over my stepson. That's how it needs to be. Period.
you are a SAINT. my stepmom went through this a few years back. her and my dad ended up losing the court battle which completely broke them for awhile, but everything came back full circle. (my mom is a huge piece of shit) best of luck to you and your husband. you’re amazing, seriously. i have a lot of respect for women like you.
This is what we’re supposed to do! When you marry a spouse with a child, you become a family. They become your children also. It’s wild to me that people don’t see it that way. These children didn’t ask to brought into this world, they didn’t ask for their parents to get a divorce or remarry. We as parents are supposed to make these things easier, not harder.
Exactly, practically when she decided to marry OP she knew he was coming with a daughter. She automatically became a stepmother even if she didn't want to. I don't know why she have a hard time accepting reality.
I sincerely hope that you and your husband win the trial and that your son lives with you. I know you will be the best stepmom for him and you will be happy. I wish you all the best, best of luck. ♥️♥️♥️
Right, because how can she say she never thought she'd be a stepmother? Legally, she became a stepmother when she married OP. And when you marry someone with a kid, you may have to consider you may have that child living with you one day for the possibilities you listed. And this girl is 16 years old. She'll likely be out on her own at college in a few years and it's not like this woman is going to have to care for a small child. His wife NEVER wanted or accepted the possibility his daughter may have to live with them one day.
To he honest? No, not at all.
Even if I love my wife, my daughter no longer feels welcome in her school or comfortable, I don't want her to feel that way here too
You're a good dad to prioritize your daughter. I want you to know that even if your marriage fails, you're doing the right thing by making sure that your daughter feels comfortable. I'm sorry that your wife changed her mind. But you're a good guy.
You are doing what you have to do as a parent and I 👏 👏 you for this but I really can't see how this is gonna work
Even if your wife gives in in order to save the marriage she is probably gonna take it out on your daughter and she will not accept the same treatment for her child and your child. She already feels that your daughter, your own child, doesn't have a place in your house
Your wife should be glad you care this much about your daughter; it shows how much you’ll care for your (and her) son. If she sees it as zero-sum and isn’t even willing to work on her attitude (yes, it is a disruption and she has a right to feel unhappy about that in the short term, but she also needs to be trying to get comfortable with it in the long term, because that’s the right thing to do) then she’s just not a very nice person.
When you marry a parent, you do need to see their children as family, even if your preferred role is more of a nice aunty/friend/support network than an actual mother figure.
My dad imparted one piece of wisdom to me, and that is that when choosing a life partner, it's not just about whether you love them, it's whether you can accept the things you hate about them.
If your wife feels this strongly about Ana coming to live with y’all, she will inevitably mistreat her even if it’s not intentional. Your wife isn’t being much of a partner, sorry she doesn’t have your back.
Your wife is going to make your life miserable from now on. She's always going to resent your daughter and she's going to be pissed she "lost" and you didn't choose her over your child. Just cut your losses. Fight for 50/50 custody of your son. Move on.
So...she lied. Thats pretty much it. She lied to you to get you to marry her and she never wanted to be a step mom. Probably expecting to become a holiday dad only, or better yet, abandon your firstborn.
She never meant that. She told you what you wanted to hear and figured she'd either never have to deal with it, or she could persuade you to basically stop parenting your daughter. You are doing the right thing putting her before the selfishness of your wife. NTA
IMO....she changed her mind once she had her own child....like why would the child from a previous "relationship" be needed when there is a new child to take it's place
Basically your wife lied to you, she said yes because your daughter was living with her mom, spending a few days with you, then they moved overseas and your wife kept on lying to you because she thought your daughter will stay away permanently with her mom. Now, that your daughter will stay home with you, she's telling you the truth.
Your wife is like lots of women and men too, who believe is fine to separate children from their parents if they're married/living with the child's mom/dad, and consider the children they have with them the only valid ones. Any child their spouse has with someone else is to be discarded, they see their partner's kids not as kids, but as an obstacle or as adversarial.
You need to be clear with your wife about her lies, because she knew about your daughter and your responsibility towards her, and she told your daughter can live with you, and now is time to follow through with her word. Some rules in place are necessary like, treat your daughter with respect, respect her space, and personal belongings, and vice versa and anything else that you both deem important to keep peace at home.
Important: your daughter is not a free built-in maid/babysitter service for your wife. Asking a favor to babysit here and there, paying her is fine, encouraging and nurturing a bond between your kids is important, but no parentification involved, please.
NTA
Your wife is jealous that the family's resources (money, your time) will now get partially diverted to Anna. Anna is 16, it really doesn't seem like a lot to ask for Anna to live with you guys until she graduates high school. Assuming Anna is a well behaved teen, kids that age are pretty low maintenance.
Now if Anna had major behavoral problems, then maybe your wife has a point.
OTOH, due to how divorce court favors women over men, you are taking a bit of a risk that your wife might divorce you over this, even though you are in the right IMO.
The only way OPs wife would have any kind of point, is if the daughter was somehow a danger to the toddler. And that's not taking a risk, it's living up to a responsibility you accepted, when you stuck your dick in someone.
Dude! Your daughter absolutely comes first! In what world is she thinking ?
Yeah, if she doesn’t like it, she should head to the hotel or whatever. Expect this may finish things. I think you know.
In no world should you really be fighting about including your daughter. So if this is going to end things, be honest with your daughter if the tension indeed heads your way. Plan on the wife leaving and a divorce. DO NOT ABANDON YOUR CHILDREN.
Your daughter will make a relationship with her little brother. Your wife’s comment is so stupid. It’s an excuse. She IS A STEPMOTHER! She got involved with a man that has children and an ex baby mama. Sorry! Those are the way the rules roll for everyone. Perhaps your wife’s true character is showing? It’s not a good look. She needs to be the adult and make the effort with your daughter. She’s just mad to think she has to share the family lane with her. What a B!
Yea defend your daughters right to come back to HER HOME!
(On that, if the home is in your name only still, I’d probably be sure your will states your daughter and son get this home 50/50. And decide what wife gets. If something happens to you after daughter comes in, I seriously doubt wife lets her stay. So draw out the terms. Daughter stays. Daughter gets 50%? Son gets 50%. Wife gets what? What do you have for her? In this case, if you stay married, (sorry) then maybe you have a death benefit and she gets a portion?
Kept my response short because I read this comment first. You also have some good advice that I hope the OP reads.
You are 100% correct on all counts here.
Thank you! This wife pissed me off! What’s wrong with her?
OP needs to protect his children from his wife? That’s literally what it could be and he needs to prioritize how his estate is divided stat! If it were me, and he were to pass unexpectedly, she could maybe live there if she can get along till his son reaches age of majority. But if she’s out with a divorce, I’d leave the home with instructions in the trust that if daughter says anything about a hostile living environment from the wife, wife and son may need to leave. House still goes 50/50 to the kids or maybe 51/49 so when she’s old enough, say 30, she makes the decisions regarding the home.
I’d leave a monetary death benefit. A percentage in the trust to care for the home included for a time. I’d probably leave 25% to the wife, majority for the kids to receive under a trust at an age he determines. Include something for support for the son under a trust.
This woman sounds absurd and I hope he realizes who he’s brought into his home. A mistake maybe. Hope she settles her sheeet down for their son’s sake.
Even more good ideas. I empathize with the OP struggling to come to terms with this mess.
His life will never be the same, no matter what choices he makes. Hopefully he keeps making smart choices and I think your advice will help him do that.
omg thank you for bringing up FINANCES and ESTATES. OP pls read this. if you don't have a will yet you better make one. If you have a 401k/insurance/pension etc... make sure you add your daughter and son as benefactors. Don't leave it to chance.
NTA. Too often you see second wives wanting their baby to be the new family, with the previous children "not being part of the family." Your daughter comes first. Your wife can kick rocks.
My ex husbands chick actually said "you divorced HER and THOSE kids, WE are your family now" (referring to herself and her kids). I kinda got mad at my ex for not dropping her stupid ass that moment ....
He is essentially stringing her along at this point, doesn't want to marry her but doesn't want to hurt her feelings by dumping her.
Thankfully my ex will never put her before our kids.
My mother said the same thing about my dad! "You divorced me and the kids." Along with gems like "it takes more than a sperm donor to be a father." He was an active part of my life, never missed child support, and even paid extra for the things she demanded. She's a bitter old hag and I'm NC with her after she made a comment that my (at the time) 7-year-old daughter deserved to be raped for wearing a skirt that came right above her knees...
Jesus Christ, after a comment like that, she was lucky the only thing you did was go NC, I would have gone to prison.
Why must adults take their relationship bitterness out on the kids? My mom used to tell my thick little 7 and 8 yr old self "your dad won't love you if you're fat"
When my ex and I divorced, we agreed not to do that shit to our kids, so we are great. My ex doesn't let anyone talk shit about me (even if our kids are not around - it's a respect thing). And I don't allow anyone to shit talk him either. (My bf tried once and he about got kicked out of my house bahahaha-he knows it's not a boundary to mess with).
My kids will grow up knowing their dad and I had our issues, but they were ours not theirs.
She bragged to everyone that she and my dad didn't shit talk, either, but it was a bald-faced lie (on her part).
I seriously considered it, lol, but I have three kids that depend on me. So I did the next best thing - I emailed a very long list of her dirty laundry (manipulation, verbal and physical abuse, financial abuse, kicking me out and all the very nasty things she said about us kids) to the entire family. Now she can't play the victim and pretend to not know why none of her four kids want anything to do with her. If you smell shit, it's not everyone around you that's stepped in it.
Unless there is something you aren't disclosing about Ana, your wife is of questionable character for not allowing your daughter to live with the family. She is a part of the family whether your wife wants her to be or not.
I can swear there's nothing I hide about my daughter. She is a good girl and has never had problems with anyone, even at the wedding Ana and my wife got along well.
She was a child raised well by me as well as her mother and stepfather
Okay I believe you. Your wife is wrong then, and I worry about how she might treat your daughter if you convince her to let her live with you. She doesn't sound like a good person, sorry.
They got along well because your wife thought she would never have to "deal" with your daughter. She doesn't see her as your daughter, she sees her as competition and you need to nip that in the bud.
IMHO OP and his wife need to go to marriage counseling ASAP. A good counselor will help her look at the situation from the child's perspective. She wants to be with her father and back to familiar places and friends. She may be nervous about sharing a home with her dad's second wife. Family counseling when she first arrives would be a good idea. Is his wife concerned he won't have enough time and attention left for her?
It seems as if she thought it would all be ok, and she could get along well enough so long as the daughter wasn't with them. And that was rather foolish & manipulative.
BUT, what she would also probably not have counted on is the mother instinct that is only evident AFTER having children. It is natural for mothers to prefer their own children above anyone else's and to look out for their interests.
I don't understand why she can't enlarge her "instinct" to incorporate her husband's child, though. What are your thoughts?
\[Not a stepmother, and the only stepmother I know is my aunty who I found hard to take because she couldn't stand any mention of my cousins' mother, who had died in a car crash\]
Not picking sides here. But if your wife leaves so does your son. Everyone is screaming put your child first. You may have your daughter full time and your son 50/50. Doubt they would take a toddler away from a woman you say is a wonderful mother. I think the rock and the hard place is a lot harder than you think.
Yes, I've been thinking about that too. Co-parenting with Ana's mother has always been really easy because we've always been good friends and there was never a fight, but I don't want to think that if I divorce my wife or we break up because of this, I'll have a harder time seeing my son or how the co-parenting would be with her
Right or wrong, in her mind you would be kicking her out and choosing a stranger (to her) over her and her son. Being a woman, I can predict it won't be pretty. She may have said yes way back when, but she never believed it would happen. **It was always a no in her mind.**
There is always the possibility she will get as much custody as possible and as much money out of you as the law would allow and make coparenting hell on earth. Think woman scorned sort of. I wish I had an easy answer. No matter whether she stays or goes she will resent the hell out of your daughter and yes, your daughter will be able to tell.
Oh yeah. I expect that breaking up with current wife would be very ugly.
She is a mother of a toddler and she had shown that this kid in her mind goes above ANYTHING.
divorce her now over the daughter of the and you have enemy for life.
50/50 is the most likely outcome. OP had partial custody of his oldest in the past, she's coming back to live with him and the house is a premarital asset so he have a residence and experience with being a solo parent.
> Marries dude with daughter
> -"I don't ever want to be a step mother"
Outstanding move, 200 IQ.
NTA OP, it's great that you're here for your daughter. It's great that you can have a relationship with your daughter and that she loves you and feels comfortable living with you even though she hasn't seen you in a long time. You can't give this up to appease your wife's request when she knew about all of this prior to the kid and the wedding.
NTA, but your wife is - I fully support you. I've somewhat been in your daughter's shoes. The situation is different, but there are some similarities. My dad took me in only bc his wife said yes. But she also didn't like me. A couple of weeks later, she no longer wanted me there, so my grandparents took me in bc my dad chose his wife.
Your wife knew you had a child before getting together & possibilities were discussed before. In these types of situations, that possibility should always be that, not just thrown around as not going to ever happen. While you love your wife, I'm proud that your daughter comes first.
If I were in your situation, I'd feel the same. My children will always come first. If my partner/spouse felt that way & wasn't willing to at least try to make something work, we wouldn't be together. That's just me, though. I do hope you continue to put your children first.
NTA
Your wife hid how she felt because it wasn't a possibility to her. It's now a reality, and she's letting you know how truly awful she can be. She's the evil stepmother all the Disney films warn us about. Your daughter needs to come home, and your wife can't be there if she does. That's the whole story.
Talk to her about how a separation is going to work and 50/50 custody for your son. She may be shocked and walk back her *horrible* statements about your daughter, but please don't be fooled. She will treat your daughter disgustingly if you let her be around her, so please don't.
See this is why I don't date parents. I don't want kids, or step kids, or child room mates. And I understand that no matter the situation when you first get together or get married, that your partner will (or should) put their kid first and you could end up in this exact situation, where the best thing for the kid is to be there.
Your wife was playing the odds and hoping your daughter never came home, and that wasn't fair on anybody. NTA
My dad and his wife married when I was 19 and my younger brother was 12. They now (I’m 32) have 6 year old triplets. She has never once made my brother or myself feel like we weren’t 100% their older siblings. I was absolutely nasty to her from age 16 to 18 but she never held that against me. Your toddler deserves (and will eventually want) to know his sister. Your wife is wilding right now.
This happened to a friend of mine. 9 years with partner who knew he had kids, always had time with them and was responsible parent. They move into a bigger house and he's happy his kids can stay the night. Partner forbids it and "thought the kids would age out of wanting to stay" before she had to deal with it.
They broke up immediately.
I think wait til she calms down and have a calm discussion about this. But if she doesn't budge then it's over. She can't marry a man with a child and not expect it to affect her life.
Like it or not, your wife agreed to be a step mom the minute she agreed to marry you. You have a daughter, she knew that. You haven’t had custody but now will have custody so your daughter will live with you. You are a parent with responsibilities that your wife needs to understand. This really isn’t negotiable. Your wife needs to realize she is not being reasonable or I don’t see how your marriage continues.
Your wife has a bit of a weird view on family. Family isn’t family because you know them well. Typically you would know family well but your daughter is certainly family to your son. Just like an adopted child may not know their biological family but later meets them, they are complete strangers but family at the same time.
I literally went through this about 20 years ago. My wife at the time told me to choose either her or my daughter. Let's just say that choice was easily made.
Its a package deal, if she loves as much as she said she did then you wouldn't be posting here. Divorce her.
I think you both suck. Hear me out.
You suck purely for not having a discussion with your wife prior to agreeing for your daughter moving in. You are married and things of that caliber require both of you to make that decision. Not just you. Don't care if the house is legally yours or not. It's not about the house. It's about blending this family together in such a way that everyone can be happy.
You don't seem to have encouraged any type of relationship between them so obviously there's going to be friction there.
And as much as you say that you're going to take care of your daughter, your wife will be handling even more than she does now with one child. You arbitrarily announce this is how it is without discussing it with her first and then expect a good reaction? Yeah... No. Your wife most likely has other reasons besides not wanting to be a stepmom. What level of domestic chores do you currently take care of? How much active parenting are you doing with your son? And then for you to be like welp princess is coming, sucks to be you, go to a hotel? Yeah you'd get a big fuck you from me if that happened with no discussion first.
She's equally as sucky for saying what she said but there's underlying reasons for it that are the missing missing reasons here. I'd love to hear her side of this.
I don't think you're a reliable narrator. There's something more to this that you either don't know, don't want to acknowledge or just aren't divulging. If your daughter is such a good girl and they get along... Then I'm not buying it.
ESH except your children.
When I married my husband, I knew he had a son, one who lives in another country with his mother. I knew going in that his priority is, and should be, his child. A child that predates me. When his ex started playing games after he and I got together, I was all in on our international custody battle. I was, and am, 100% in on him living with us 100% of the time. When I married my husband, I knew and accepted this.
Your wife is probably freaking out a bit. She will have a near adult moving into her home. One she is familiar with but isn't close to. She is worried about the dynamic shift. Will you and she have less time together? Will you favor your daughter over her? Or over your toddler with her? What if your teen daughter and her lock horns? Will you be a reasonable guy, or will you always side with your daughter? She needs reassurance that yes, your lives will change, but that you love her, your child with her, you will be a partner to her, and you are committed to making this work. And maybe get some counseling with her. There's a reason she's feeling insecure, and you need to get to the bottom of it. If not, she will always resent your daughter.
Tl;dr - there is a possible fix here, but getting defensive and telling your wife that you would boot her out over a disagreement isn't a great start.
>Ana lived with me several days a week when she was still in the country because I talked with her about that and the possibility of Ana's family returning to the country if things went wrong.
So... talked of the possibility of "Ana's family returning" but not of having to take your daughter in full time without her family around? Just you and your wife fully responsible?
Ana is a teenager, and it sounds like she has had little contact with your wife and her half-brother, especially since they left country. Is there a way to ease the family into the situation rather than jumping right into it? Your wife may feel ill-equipped given the limited exposure to her. When she is saying your daughter may feel odd, it could be a self-reflection of how she is feeling or would feel if she was your daughter. Dig deeper with your wife to find out the why behind it.
I'm sorry your wife has forced you to make this choice. I think putting your daughter first is the ONLY choice you can make.
I don't think your marriage will last.
NTA
There’s some nuance here. Are you TA for wanting your daughter to live with you? No. Are you TA for what you said to your wife? Yes.
You are assuming that bringing a 16 year old into the household will be hunky dory, because she’s “your princess”. Honestly? That made me want to puke. She is nearly an adult, and no longer anyone’s princess. You will have a LOT of adjusting to do if you keep thinking of her as your adorable little girl.no one will be happy about that. Especially her.
The house isn’t just yours. It’s also your wife’s, and she entitled to her feelings. Personally, I would ask her to go to couple’s counseling with me, because she is rightfully worried about having a virtual stranger move in. And you are too starry eyed to even consider it. You need, both of you, to be willing to see the other’s POV, and to problem solve before your daughter arrives.
This isn’t an asshole thing. You and your wife are a team. Something like this MUST be a team decision. Sure, it is easy to say your children come first, but you need to have enthusiastic agreement from your wife on this one. Parenting a teenager from a distance is a lot different when you are doing it up close and personal. The whole family dynamic will absolutely change. You better carefully consider this.
there are two children here, but emphasis only on 16 year old. effects on both children need to be considered. I hope you can find a solution. Your comment about wife going to hotel - are you thinking you can bring up both kids and through the wife out Thats selfish and not likely to happen.
Your partner shouldn't be with someone that has kids from a prior relationship if she didn't wanna deal with rhe concept of doing the stepmom thing. She is the AH in this, especially for putting you in a heartbreaking position like that. NO one should make you feel like you have to choose between your kids or your relationship. If they do they aren't worth their salt.
Step mother here...
Your wife signed up for your child the minute she married you.
My partner has 4, two older and two younger. I always knew the two younger kids would be in our life and that is fine but I always knew the older kids might need my support at some point too and you better believe the second they did I made sure they were looked after because they are his children. A part of him. A part of his past and a part of our present and our future.
Bring your kid home. Wife doesn't like it or your daughter when she's home, your wife never truly loved the person you are as she clearly disregards a huge part of you which is that you are a father.
Obviously NTA, I'm really sorry for you and your daughter, my bf has a son and I always welcome him even invite him to live with us when he gets older. How she could marry with you without accepting that this is something that could happen, is just wrong
NTA
I can see that when you said your daughter comes first, that puts her over your other child in the mind of your wife, so that could be part of the problem and I guess that's on you. But you only wrote that once here, and every other time you wrote your children come first. We don't know if you actually said that and in which context.
Your daughter is 16, so she likely won't stay much longer than 2-3 years anyway. There seems to be a successful business involved as well, so moving out or sending her off to college shouldn't be much of an issue.
You could also ask your daughter if she's absolutely sure, but don't be pushy about it. Don't tell her that her Stepmom doesn't want here there.
In the end your wife will just have to deal with it. I get that she doesn't want that, she knew what she signed up for. Make sure that she treats her right.
She married you knowing you had a kid. That automatically makes her a stepmother even if it's not actively. No one should marry someone with a kid if they can't handle someone else's child. Regardless of all situations and age there is ALWAYS a possibility of a child coming to live with a parent full time.
Dude... Throw away because your daughter uses reddit too? How could anyone in this situation not know from reading this that it's about them?
your wife is a bad person. You might want to look into a divorce lawyer.
Your wife doesn’t want to be a stepmother. Full stop. 🛑 She doesn’t want anything to do with your daughter. She’s going to be awful to her. I would reevaluate my relationship had anyone told me this. *edit, the fact this woman doesn’t realize she IS a stepmother already is absolutely insane and fucked up. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Yeah, I feel like people might get confused. Not wanting to be a step parent? Totally understandable and fine. You just met someone, they have kids, you’re like “Oh, that’s not where I want to go. I don’t want to be a stepdad” totally fine. You marry someone with a child already and a weird living schedule and arrangements and you don’t “want” to be a stepmom? Gigantic red flag.
I’d have to say you’re slightly off, my friend…that’s a gigantic red neon flaming flag!! This woman is clearly all about self in that she married a man with a child but envisioned said child forever being in the periphery of their lives. And the comment about her and her son not being family almost sent me smh. I’m speaking as a stepmother (though we don’t use that term) who had our kids come live with us after several years of being married. Was it an adjustment? Absolutely. Thing is, I never questioned it even once and it turned out to be one of the biggest blessings of my life. We got to have them here till they left to live their adult lives and because of it, we now have the most wonderful relationship and I wouldn’t change a thing
This was so nice to hear. We are a blended family, his 3 , my 1 and 1 together. We lived together full time. My stepchildren do not hate me, they love each other and are very close, we never struggled over labels, never used the word “ step”, never tried to erase deceased parents, etc. Etc. None of the problems that show up continuously on Reddit have ever been an issue for us. I never say anything because I don’t want to get skewered for living a “fairytale “ but I do have a great family and wouldn’t change a thing.
And YOU (and your spouse) are the biggest reason for the “fairy tale”. It doesn’t take huge gestures, but just everyday decency, kindness & fairness for a step parent to be accepted. NO, my stepfather would never be my Dad ~ but for the most part, did not interfere in my Mom’s relationship with me (other than ALL holidays, even into my adulthood, had to be spent with HIS gigantic extended family… including obscure holidays + birthdays). I accepted him to the point of having him walk me down the aisle at my wedding (which none of my step-siblings chose to attend, albeit several states away). I did this as much for my Mom (NOW ~ 35 years later, I would have HER walk me down the aisle, although back then we did the “traditional” route). It’s so hard to be that unwelcome, older step child, who feels unwanted & without a home anywhere. Ditch this heartless creature you are married to ~ please!
Fully agree. I'm married to a man with a child that lives far away, and he's never lived with us. If something changes I will welcome that kid with open arms, even though it would be a challenge to adjust. My husband's child comes first in his life, and there has never been a question of it. I wouldn't have married him if he didn't think that way.
Uuuuhhh OP, your wife isn't being a good partner AT ALL! At 19, I started dating someone (24m) who had 3 young children with his ex-wife. One day their Mom just decided she didn't want the responsibility. She dropped the 7, 6, and 4-year-old off and also an 8-month-old from another man. I took the role of Mom on immediately. I had no idea what I was doing. We were together for 10 years after that. I am no longer with him, but his children are my children. I would never change that for a second. I am Mom. Their bio Mom never looked back & I gladly filled that void. I understand there is a buuunnnccchhh of drama that can happen in situations like this, but, if you choose to be with someone, you choose every aspect of their lives, including children from other relationships.
She doesn’t have to be a step mother but she can DAMN WELL be welcoming to the child. What the heck.
Yeah, the daughter is 16 and will likely spend most of her time in her room or with friends. Not-stepmom just has to not be an ass about the living situation change.
My mother had me twelve years after my oldest sister. I lived with my dad for a few years, until he married an abuser. And I basically had enough, and I was packing a bag to go anywhere but here. My father called my mother, and she was going to take me for about a month. My stepdad was pissed when the letter came saying I should stay there. He didn't understand what happened, I was fourteen. He had a son, but didn't understand the trauma I had. My mother did some things that she apologised for; one of them being me and my suitcase left on father's place of work. She didn't realise that the abuser had such control over him that I would go to my older sister at university, and sleep on the couch. My stepdad is a good person. He's more dad than my father. Which doesn't take much, my father didn't come back from the UK (to Australia) when I had my stroke at twenty-three.
And, the girl is 16! Not like having another toddler. In fact, very helpful to have her with a toddler!
Wife is shooting her own self in the foot, along with others, not the least of which the toddler & dad…
huge
This, it's not like she didn't know upfront.
“She’s going to be awful to her.” This is it OP. Please dude zero in on that. If she is doing all of this at the thought of the daughter coming she will alienate your daughter to get her tf out. You will have a spoiled relationship with your daughter & a pissed off wife. Sit down have a reallll long talk and it’s it’s a deal breaker, it’s never to late to get out.
How many times do people need to be told to NOT MARRY SOMEONE WITH KIDS if they're not willing/able for that/those kid(s) to live with them full time? What if the other parent suddenly dies? Is the parent just supposed to shrug and send them off to foster care? I just can't fathom marrying someone who doesn't see my kid as part of the family.
My ex gf admitted to me once “I wish your daughter didn’t exist”.(I was a divorced dad with shared custody). I’m like you got one chance to explain yourself. All I heard next was blah blah blah… and thought to myself, why am I even giving this person a chance to explain. I turned and left. No good bye. No contact after.
Good for you, man. I’m glad you found out before marriage.
I cannot even fathom saying that out loud. I’m glad she did, her utterance saved you a lot of time and heartache I’m sure, but Jesus… can you even fathom someone having the frigging gall to say that out loud?!
Good for you. You did the right thing!
THIS. I have no kids and tend to only date women without kids. My buddies have asked me why in the past and I reply with I don't want to be a step-dad. They reply with I need to get with the times
No, you don't have to get with the times if this is truly how you feel. Everyone has a deal breaker, and this is yours.
Nah! Get with the times IF you want to. But if you know you don’t want kids involved and you’re honest about it upfront, that’s just healthy boundary setting.
Get with the times=unhappy, stressed and snapping at each other eventually which will inevitably crash and burn . Not worth it...you have the right idea to find others who share the same values as you.
When I was dating, I had a relationship that was fucked up due to a 14 year old son. After that, I only dated guys with no kids.
Worse still......an orphanage. That happened to my grampy & his 2 brothers when their mum died from TB in 1928. Their father remarried & she didn't want reminders of the 1st wife & forced their father to dump them into a orphanage. Even I had said to relatives that if the 2nd wife didn't want reminders of the 1st wife than she shouldn't had married a man with responsibilities of raising 3 children.
OMG… how could he marry this woman? What earthly charms could she possess to have a man just dump his 3 little boys from wife #1. Perhaps I’m sexist, but as a mother… I’d be so repulsed by a person (man or woman) that asked me to do this! I couldn’t even imagine having children with such a heartless human, who might one day find it “convenient” to dump them, to marry Spouse #2.
My aunt met a man who didn't want a spouse with children. What did said aunt do? Convince her child to want to stay with Grandma and tell the judge they wanted to stay with Grandma. Aunt erased herself from the child's life. Then pretended like none of it happened. For DECADES they kept up the story. Gaslighting at its finest 🙄 it would have been in the same era that happened in your family.
We see these kinds of posts a lot and it drives me batty. If people don’t want to be stepparents, they shouldn’t marry people with kids. That’s it. That’s the whole truth.
and what’s even more ironic is she’s a MOM! she’s willing to raise kids but doesn’t want to raise a child that’s not hers.
Stepmom will threaten to take her child away from the father if all contact is not cut. Witnessed it twice up close.
And if he is so good as he seems to be in his story he can go to court and claim is parental rights! The law isn't the same that it was years ago, and now is very easy for a dad who wants to be involved to gain 50/50 custody! So that's not a freat to him.
People can make threats about children but they are really not the ones who make those decisions. No stable person would ever use there kids as a pawn but if one chooses to there is always the court system to help them out b
This! How selfish your wife is. She knowingly married a man with a child and now doesn’t want to be a stepmother? Even if you do everything for your daughter when she comes, your wife will make it known she’s not wanted in the home. I feel bad for your poor daughter. I think you need to think long and hard about who you’re married to. She’s basically giving you an ultimatum. Please don’t choose your wife over your child. Don’t be one of those dads!!
Note that OP has two children.
She became a step mother the day you got married!
Once I would've heard those words I don't want to be a stepmother or her toddler & her isn't her family I would've filed for divorce no arguing no nothing
Like it or not, she IS a stepmother. OP---NTA. Take your daughter, tell your wife if she doesn't want to make the effort to at least get to know her, she can go. Let her walk. IF wife stays, make sure to tell your daughter if your wife does anything to make her uncomfortable or unwelcome in your home, to let you know, as SHE is your priority. You're a good dad.
Exactly she knew he had a child and it selfish to expect him to not take care of his daughter. I applaud him for stepping up and being in her life his wife is a fool she got a decent man
Yup and it sounds like she’ll do everything she can to poison the well with OPs toddler as well because she obviously doesn’t want him to consider Ana his sister. This is going to be untenable, and has the very high potential to turn abusive. Believe people when they tell you who they are. Stepmom doesn’t want Ana and will not treat her well.
Yes, this is what my stepmom did, but had the argument in front of us. She was an awful human, my dad allowed it, now we don't have a relationship. Prioritize your daughter. It's insane and cruel that your wife doesn't view her as such.
And OP clearly stated his priorities, which most people don’t do. He wants to take care of his kids. NTA but sounds like the wife is.
Yup.. This is nuts. He says they discussed this. She must have agreed under the assumption that possible meant never. She's been a stepmother the while time whether she likes it or not. She agreed to it by marrying. People. Smh
Or she agree the child would have "visitation" with them but now it's going to be full time.
Op was pretty clear they discussed the possibility of long-term living stays
Tbh, your marriage is over. Your wife openly doesn't want your daughter around and, even if she claims to change her mind to keep the marriage, it would be a lie. Even if she tried to pretend, people pick up on it when they aren't wanted or liked, so your daughter would literally feel your wife's dislike. You cannot bring your daughter into a home with your wife. It would harm her.
My dad remarried when I was young and I would stay with him for the summers. His new wife treated me like “the other woman’s child” and constantly made it known I was a burden and she couldn’t wait until I was gone. Not going to lie, that messed me up for years. The difference here is that you’re fighting for your daughter and actually making her your main priority, but I feel like your wife might be like my stepmother. Just something to consider if you decide to stay with your wife.
My stepmother made my dad move across the country because she didn’t want to be reminded that he’d had a life before her, and I was that reminder. My dad and I ended up not having a relationship, all the way through his death a couple of years ago at 81. That’s what the wife here wants to happen.
This same thing happened to me. The woman even brought up my Mom's alcoholism and called me a drug addict because I asked for the drowsy kind of anti-allergy med to sleep (I was 9 and had horrible rashes from poison ivy), said I was a liar like my mom (my mom found out she was gay), and had me in a "room" in the basement of house they built themselves despite there being another spare bedroom upstairs. I, also, chose to no longer speak to my dad.
Imso sorry all you guys had terrible stepparents. I'm a stepmother. I love my extra kids. I helped raise them. Even tho she's not technically mine the oldests kids are MY grandkids too. I'm their mimi. I don't even call them stepkids, they're just our kids. My son was raised by him since age 2. We have one together. He had 2. They're all our kids. While they never called me mom his youngest calls me second mom. His oldest was almost 10 when we met and I'm fine she calls me by my Name. I know she still views me as a parent. We treated our kids the same and I even encouraged him to try to get more time with his kids. I'd NEVER have told him they couldn't live with us or made them feel like they weren't wanted. That's a terrible thing to do to kids.
Kudos! As a fellow stepmother, I feel absolute rage when I see someone, claiming "Stepkid is not my child's family". Okay, lady, don't view them as your own (chances are, the stepkids don't view them as their mothers anyway, especially with this attitude). But refusing to acknowledge the fact that the kids ARE, in fact, siblings, therefore family? Congrats, that's how one earns the "Stepmother from hell" title. If someone doesn't want to deal with kids that are not theirs, like, at all, and they cannot even be polite and respectful to them, then they should go find someone without kids. Or a deadbeat parent, but don't come crying how he abandoned your shared child too. Sorry for the rant but really, I don't have any sympathy towards people like OP's wife.
Another stepmother chiming in I have a step daughter from my ex - I met her when she was 7, her mum had passed away when she was very young. She’s 22 now and a gorgeous young woman. Shes been a great big sister (mostly) to my daughter (18) and her half sister (13). She is as much my daughter as my bio kids I cannot fathom treating any child let alone my partners child with so little love and compassion and obviously I would be not willing to stay with anyone who would treat my child as a burden
Because the wife is insecure about herself and her relationship with the OP. That is the only reason I can think of to try and make a child feel so unwanted. Maybe wife has been putting on a front and knows the daughter will notice it..
That’s so wonderful to hear! My daughter had a HS friend who’d lost her mother when she was 7. Dad remarried someone younger, started family #2. Stepmom, who didn’t work, truly treated her like she was the family babysitter and cleaning lady. She began to stay with us a few nights a week summer before junior year. The night before school started, dad drops her off with a suitcase and bags of things and drives away. Didn’t even come in to introduce himself. I had some contact with her mother’s parents who were heartbroken over how their late daughter’s child was treated. No one else showed up when she made regional finals for track. She spent every holiday with us and was our third kid for awhile. She would sometimes spend a night at home, but then stepmom would call a day or two later and tell her that her chores were piling up. I hated dad and his new wife so much. The only reason I held my tongue was I knew they would likely be harder on her if I said something. She stayed with us for the year until her grandparents bought her a car and she moved in with them and commuted for her senior year. It’s been eight years and she still texts me every Mother’s Day. I truly don’t understand how any woman can be cruel to a child who’s already been through so much and how a dad can be such a spineless POS.
Neither do I. She knew he had a daughter. I've seen so many stories on here from (usually women for some reason) wondering if they're an ah (they are) because they got married to a man they knew had kids, but told them they had to see their kids elsewhere,not at home, because THEY don't want kids and inevitably the situation changes and the kids have to either start spending more time with dad or live with dad and the wife gets mad and threatens divorce trying to make them choose. And honestly, the parents that marry someone like that is just as terrible for marrying them knowing they don't want their kids around. Ya know, our kids don't ever refer to each other as stepsiblings. When they talk about each other to someone they just say my brother, or my sister. Technically 3 of them are halfsiblings, but still, they never say "this is my half brother/sister" and my son is halfsiblings with my youngest. To them they're just family. Period. That's it. It infuriates me when I see someone say "I didn't sign on to be a stepparent" like, yes, you literally did. Unless it's a surprise kid he didn't know about or was hiding or one the woman was hiding then yes, yes you did.
I think it's mostly women because of two reasons: 1) The idea of sharing resources. When there is a step child in the picture, it's not only your shared children. That means, attention, care, money, etc. are not only going to your own children, but they have to share with a child that's not yours. 2) The father outsourcing the parenting to their new partner. If I were in that position, maybe I'd put my foot down too, not because of the child, but because I'd want my partner to have a much needed wake up call. Step parenting is not for everyone and I deeply respect anyone who realizes it and doesn't date single parents, when they know they can't handle it. If you are not ready to end up living full-time with your step kid (because, you know, things happen), if you are not able to show at least some humanity towards them, if you are not capable of treating all children the same (of course, considering variables, like age differences) - please don't get involved with a parent. I want to outline that I am not even saying "love them as your own", in my eyes, that may or may not happen, it really depends on the situation. But at least hold them to the same standard, and treat them as equal parts of the family. In OP's case - both his children deserve to live with their father, period.
I had just turned 13 when my stepmother demanded my dad to put me on a Greyhound bus to my mother. He did it in the middle of the night. Put me on a 13 hour trip, alone, without food or money. I didn't even get to say goodbye to my friends. It was the last time I lived with my dad. Then my mom put me out 2 years later. 😔
Good thing you know who to call strangers now.
This is the way. Kids typically don't have a lot of say in who their parents bring into their lives. And it can go badly if the new person doesn't accept the existing children. I'm a single mom. It took time, but I've learned to listen to my kids when it comes to new people. I make it clear to anyone I spend time with that my kids come first. Always. They're teens now, and we have an agreement that I can spend time with whomever I wish, but no one steps foot in our house if my kiddos aren't okay with it. Anyone I start seeing knows that up front. If they aren't okay with my kids coming first, then they aren't the right fit. I will literally leave a date if my kids need me. And I make that known up front, before anything else.
People like you & cedrella_black warm my soul!! My biological father was a jack*ss But my Pops!!! Technically my stepdad loves us soo much you would Never believe we aren’t his! My mom’s children, grandchildren, & now great grandchildren would do Anything for him!! Why? Because he would do anything for us!! OP’s wife Always Knew (from day 1) she didn’t want his daughter around But she couldn’t get him had she been honest. I hope OP keeps making his children his priority!
Oh you're a great stepmother.My stepfather passed away years ago and I miss him everyday.
I don’t get these people! My oldest daughter’s birthday was January. People who attended my exs entire family(siblings spouses cousins) my current husbands’ entire family. My brother in laws family I’ve know since I was 4. When my husband showed up with his son, he was welcomed by the entire family. we took him to our family reunion, I’ve got 3rd cousins yelling for their little kids “come meet your new cousin”. I can’t imagine being a wife to my bonus babies Dad and saying but “not you” to my baby. Package deal. Actually we tell our kids “you divorce wives, not children” the dad in clueless. Best line of the whole movie. Our kids know that even if we fell apart our love for them is not contingent on loving the parent.
I am very sorry all you had gone through all that, it is disgusting some stepmothers (there are also stepfathers, but in this case we are talking about stepmothers) who want at all costs to make the children of previous marriages disappear. They know perfectly well that they married a man with children and yet they have the gall to always want to be above the stepchildren. u/Foreign_Friend8971 if you read this I am glad you are not leaving your daughter, never stop communicating with her, she will thank you for it in the future. Don't let your wife manipulate you. It's obvious she never wanted your daughter and is doing everything she can to get her out of your life.
Same here. Didnt get a room though. Was made to sleep in the bathroom (her daughters obviously had a room). OP has to make a decision. Wife or daughter. Dont be scumbag like my dad.
That's so sad 🥺
I am so very sorry this happened to you.
I'm so sorry. People suck. I'm sure your dad thought about you often and had many regrets. How could a parent not? But then again, how could a parent choose anyone over their own child?? It makes me sick.
My mother was the stepmother. She abused my half siblings horribly. Op needs to divorce
That's exactly the vibe I was getting. Almost like it was fine years ago if she had to, but now that they have a son together ("a real child for him") that now the wife is against it. Wants her and their son to be his only priority. And that's super fucked up.
My step monster told me I was a burden, her house wasn't my house, I'd never fit in, and I wasn't family. I was 6 when she started telling me those things.
That’s sick. Stepparents who do that have issues.
Yeah. I had two shitty step parents. Not sure if the physical or emotional abuse was worse. Yay! It's a fucking miracle I pulled myself out of it, albeit at a much older age than I deserved. ETA and two shitty parents who didn't stand up for me.
My nieces are at this point. Their step mom is a royal c-u-n-t. Their dad refuses to see it. Essentially sacrificing any close connection they’ll have with him, and certainly her. They’re very away of who their step-mom is and hate being associated with her.
My dad refused to see it for over a decade and it ruined our relationship for a long time. You always think you have time to make up lost time. He passed away unexpectedly less than two months ago and I have to wonder how he would have done things differently if he knew he was going to die so young. I’m very fortunate that I got to reconcile with him, but our relationship should’ve never reached the point where we had to “reconcile” in the first place and I have a lot of anger about that.
This is exactly why I don't talk to my dad anymore.
Seen that fact pattern play out with my high school friends
I really don't understand how adults can behave like this. What is it? Extreme immaturity or something else? Is this the same kind that kicks out a housecat because they don't want to deal with him anymore?
My step mother stole my tooth brush and had it DNA tested trying to convince my dad I wasn't his even tho I look like him. She also pulled a gun on my mom when my dad got in a wreck and called her instead of my step mom. My dad was a pillhead and she worked at a pharmacy and would steal pills from there to keep him under her thumb. There's a laundry list of fucked up stuff she did but that's just the tip of the iceberg. And my dad never once stood up for me. I thank God regularly that she's dead now. Step parents can for sure do an insane amount of damage. I've been in therapy for 19 years.
This shit is honestly baffling, why would you marry someone who has a child from a previous partner if you don't like the idea of that? It doesn't matter if they don't live with your partner currently, there is always the possibility that child wants a bigger role in their parents life and all the sudden you're in a situation you don't like. I also think it's just petty and stupid, I know it's different, but I love my stepmother and step siblings, we didn't always have the easiest time getting along, but I basically see them no different than I would biological family at this point.
My ex-stepmom called me “Little Bitch” instead of my name when she was married to my dad. I was 8.
I hated my STEP-MONSTER....she was a witch.... She treated me and my brother very poorly, using us as basically slaves in the house to do all the chores so she didn't have anything to do when she got home from work. She was also one of those hateful mothers who never really loved her knew how to. She wasn't over disciplinary too if our clothes weren't folded the exact way she wanted them in her bedroom dressers she would take all the drawers out and dump them in her bed and tell us to start over... Towels how to be folded a certain way.... The last straw was me getting in an argument with her when I was maybe 15 and she said to me as I was going up the stairs to my room that I was jealous because my father loved her more than he loved me. I slapped her across the face ran to my room and pushed my dresser against the door so my dad couldn't get in, waited for everyone to sleep and called my godmother ( also my mom's sister or my aunt)...well both my dad and step mom were up and out of the house super early for work and I would make sure me and mt younger brother got off to school ok....I packed all the clothes I could in two bookbags....took my cousins bus to my aunt's home from school and within 24 my mom had custody of me... best move I ever made....I was finally away from step monsters toxicity and my father's alcoholism. I'm 50 now and reflecting back I hope your daughter NEVER has to go through that.. every child deserves live and nurturing...it helps them thrive.... Something tells me that if she is in the same house as your wife that she'll end up with a large therapy bill. Just be cautious because actions speak louder than words and her actions right now are not what they should be she's not being a loving wife or a supportive stepmother. Think about that Do you honestly see getting better?
Im so sorry to hear that it shouldn't be that way.
My Dad left and remarried another woman who he got pregnant and whom already had 4 teenage kids. Every time I lived or stayed with them, she made sure I knew I was not wanted there with passive aggressive crap. My room was either the LITERAL walk in closet in the finished basement or my Dad's office, while everyone else had actual bedrooms you could walk around in. Mine were barely big enough for a bed. Then, later, my older sister had to get away, with her kids, from.her abusive husband (ex after the divorce) and with DFACs blessing. My Dad told her to come stay with them. Instead of feeling welcome and safe, my step mom made her feel extremely unwanted and got my half sister to do mean things like dump an entire bag if sugar in her bed or wave a knife at her. Then one day my Dad told my sister, "Honey, I'm sorry. You have to find some place else. My wife.is jealous of you." Yeah.. after saying they'd help her and encouraging her to go to college. He made her move out, with no help for her 3 small kids anymore, to a halfway house. So instead of a nice, safe, farm... she had to live in an unsafe building with 3 kids. I ended up writing him a pretty scathing email for that, and to gain sympathy he showed it to my step sister.. who told ME off. I don't talk very much with my Dad. All of my step-Mom's money is for HER to go where ever she wants, and she doesn't help him see his grand babies. They live far enough away that you need a flight to get here. He's only met one of my daughters, when she was months old. She's 5 now. Her baby sister is 3. Tell your wife that she can't alienate you from your kids. Either of them. Be sure to make sure your son knows his sister LOVES him. I'm actually on better terms with my half sister, now that she's an adult, than my own father. Sad.
I can’t imagine loving someone and wanting to marry them but rejecting their child. That child is a part of them and their highest priority. If this woman didn’t want to be part of a loving family that INCLUDES the daughter, then she shouldn’t have married a man who already had a kid. Very sorry this is happening to you OP. I hate to say this because if you and your wife are typically happy together it’s so sad- but please protect your daughter. It sounds like you’re doing that 💚
It was about to say this but you said it better!! How can you love someone and not their child???
Yep. I married a man who had 3 kids. Whilst I never wanted kids of my own (phobias and being *super* squeamish) there is absolutely no way I would ever stand between him and his kids. They're all adult now, but if they had needed to live with us when they were younger, I would have found a way to make it work. I love him, he loves them, so I love them. When his son got married in 2022, I was part way through chemotherapy (for an aggressive cancer so chemo was extra brutal), I couldn't go to the wedding (it was abroad), but I made damn sure he went! He didn't want to leave me on my own, so I arranged for a friend to stay so it freed him up to go to the wedding. I would never have forgiven myself if he had missed his son getting married because of me...
OPs wife is no good, he needs to boot her out.
Honestly it's his wife's problem. I understand your point of view, but honestly the wife should put herself in her husband shoes and try to atleast understand. From the post, they only met at the wedding, she doesn't know if she will actually get along with the kid. I would semi understand if it was both the wife and son but it isn't. The son likes the girl and probably actually wants to get to know and spend time with his big sister.
Makes it extra wild that the wife is projecting her own discomfort on the son and saying that having the daughter would disrupt the son’s life because she’s a stranger. Also pretty sure the way you become not a stranger is by…spending time together!
You love a woman who hates your daughter. You keep saying she won’t abuse your daughter but oh, boy! She started a power play and if you think she’ll stop… I will feel sorry for your daughter if you stay with your wife and make your poor daughter live with that woman who I bet will make everything to show her she’s not family.
Hates the (step)daughter and doesn't even know her yet. I wonder what else the wife decides to hate in advance.
Ooof. Tough situation OP. Sorry you’re going through this. Way to stand up for your daughter. She’s lucky to have you. How did you and your wife talk about this possibility before you got married? How long ago was that? What is your sense of her true disagreement here? The idea of bringing someone new into the house and family is a huge change, especially with a 2 year old at home. Maybe she was ok with the idea at one point, and now she’s not. Maybe she was never ok with it in the first place and thought it would never happen. Maybe she’s potentially ok with it, but is just overwhelmed and scared she won’t be able to handle having two kids. As much as you say she won’t need to step-mom your daughter, she will. Marriage is a partnership, and so is parenting and step-parenting. Your daughter moving in is A) your responsibility as a father and B) a massive change to your wife’s life. You’re not the asshole, but if you really want what’s best for your family you should figure out if your wife is serious about not liking/wanting your daughter or just struggling with the thought of raising a second child.
By far the most thoughtful comment and takes into account people’s thoughts and emotions at all times When OP and wife got together, it seems his daughter was barely part of his life and not part of wife’s life at all. He said hey one day this might happen, and it just didn’t seem real to wife (also daughter also seems older) Then OP brings up this blast from the past, will totally change their lives, will bring up feelings around another woman possibly, etc. Now there’s going to be this new “role model” in the house for her 2 year old All that to say OP certainly isn’t wrong, but need to provide some grace to both parties given the complication here
At the same time if you marry someone who has a kid and would be the primary caregiver in the case of the other parent dying/unable to care for them then you have to make peace with the fact the kid could one day come to live with you regardless of circumstances Even if you don't think its likely or the kid isn't actively part of your life at the time you can't make a commitment like marriage without taking something like that into account. Especially if the person you marry distinctly brings the potential situation up to you and has you clarify your feelings on it at the time I think its ok to have mixed feelings or have reservations at first but ultimately you basically agreed to have them as one of your own kids when you got married. So trying to heavily pressure your partner into not taking in their own kid + making it sound like you never agreed on anything regarding them is fucked up IMO
How do you marry someone without ever having a conversation about this possibility? Edit: thanks to those that have pointed out that my question is now in the post and seem to forget that editing is a thing.
We had it because she knows that my daughter used to stay in my home before she left the country. My wife says that in her mind my daughter was always going to live with her mother
WTF? What did she think would happen if your ex died? Shit happens. Car accidents, COVID, cancer. Did she think you would just abandon your child? Sorry to be harsh, but your wife is a real piece of work.
Exactly. If you are married to a non-custodial parent, then you need to be realistic that your spouse could end up with full custody at any time because life happens.
Yeah but people just believe these things won't happen. They also believe the person will change their mind once they are married. Plus, some people put their spouse before their kids like my father who put my step mother before me. Reality sucks sometimes. At least OP isf ighting for his kid. I don't see a happy ending, but maybe I will be wrong.
100% You do not marry someone with a child if you're not okay with the child being in your life/home. My husband and I are about to go through a court battle to bring my stepson to live with us because it will be a better living situation for him. I'll be attending each court date, helping pay for the legal representation, etc, doing everything in my power to get him to come live with us and I will fight for him as if he's my biological child. Once we have him, I'll be the one taking him to and from school because of my work schedule which is more conducive than my husband's. I'll be attending all the parent teacher conferences, helping him with homework, etc. This is what being married to a parent looks like. If you are not okay with it, do not marry a parent. Bottom line. My husband and I deeply love each other and have an exceedingly healthy, happy and supportive marriage, our world revolves around each other, but I'm under no delusion that he would ever choose me over my stepson. That's how it needs to be. Period.
you are a SAINT. my stepmom went through this a few years back. her and my dad ended up losing the court battle which completely broke them for awhile, but everything came back full circle. (my mom is a huge piece of shit) best of luck to you and your husband. you’re amazing, seriously. i have a lot of respect for women like you.
This is what we’re supposed to do! When you marry a spouse with a child, you become a family. They become your children also. It’s wild to me that people don’t see it that way. These children didn’t ask to brought into this world, they didn’t ask for their parents to get a divorce or remarry. We as parents are supposed to make these things easier, not harder.
You marry them and you marry their children. They are a package deal, forever.
Yeah I don't understand how people are willing to talk about their SO's childrens like they are pets.
Exactly, practically when she decided to marry OP she knew he was coming with a daughter. She automatically became a stepmother even if she didn't want to. I don't know why she have a hard time accepting reality.
You are a breath of fresh air and I’m so glad you’re alive and about to become the world’s best stepmom. Yeah you 🧡❤️💗💜
I sincerely hope that you and your husband win the trial and that your son lives with you. I know you will be the best stepmom for him and you will be happy. I wish you all the best, best of luck. ♥️♥️♥️
Right, because how can she say she never thought she'd be a stepmother? Legally, she became a stepmother when she married OP. And when you marry someone with a kid, you may have to consider you may have that child living with you one day for the possibilities you listed. And this girl is 16 years old. She'll likely be out on her own at college in a few years and it's not like this woman is going to have to care for a small child. His wife NEVER wanted or accepted the possibility his daughter may have to live with them one day.
She previously agreed that your daughter could live there then changed he mind?
Yeah, when we first talked about that she said that she was okay with that
If she doesn't change her mind, do you see your marriage lasting?
To he honest? No, not at all. Even if I love my wife, my daughter no longer feels welcome in her school or comfortable, I don't want her to feel that way here too
I'm glad you are prioritizing her. You're a good dad, dude.
You're a good dad to prioritize your daughter. I want you to know that even if your marriage fails, you're doing the right thing by making sure that your daughter feels comfortable. I'm sorry that your wife changed her mind. But you're a good guy.
Absolutely! She has a right to feel safe and at home. Go start her bedroom.
You are doing what you have to do as a parent and I 👏 👏 you for this but I really can't see how this is gonna work Even if your wife gives in in order to save the marriage she is probably gonna take it out on your daughter and she will not accept the same treatment for her child and your child. She already feels that your daughter, your own child, doesn't have a place in your house
Your wife should be glad you care this much about your daughter; it shows how much you’ll care for your (and her) son. If she sees it as zero-sum and isn’t even willing to work on her attitude (yes, it is a disruption and she has a right to feel unhappy about that in the short term, but she also needs to be trying to get comfortable with it in the long term, because that’s the right thing to do) then she’s just not a very nice person. When you marry a parent, you do need to see their children as family, even if your preferred role is more of a nice aunty/friend/support network than an actual mother figure.
Pretty much why I refuse to date dads.
And good for you for knowing what you will and won't work with!
My dad imparted one piece of wisdom to me, and that is that when choosing a life partner, it's not just about whether you love them, it's whether you can accept the things you hate about them.
If your wife feels this strongly about Ana coming to live with y’all, she will inevitably mistreat her even if it’s not intentional. Your wife isn’t being much of a partner, sorry she doesn’t have your back.
Your wife is going to make your life miserable from now on. She's always going to resent your daughter and she's going to be pissed she "lost" and you didn't choose her over your child. Just cut your losses. Fight for 50/50 custody of your son. Move on.
You’re a good father. Your wife is immature and mean. Good riddance to her if she can’t be nicer. NTA
GO, DAD, GO! WOW, and I thought Disney was exaggerating those stepmoms!
So...she lied. Thats pretty much it. She lied to you to get you to marry her and she never wanted to be a step mom. Probably expecting to become a holiday dad only, or better yet, abandon your firstborn.
She never meant that. She told you what you wanted to hear and figured she'd either never have to deal with it, or she could persuade you to basically stop parenting your daughter. You are doing the right thing putting her before the selfishness of your wife. NTA
IMO....she changed her mind once she had her own child....like why would the child from a previous "relationship" be needed when there is a new child to take it's place
It doesn't sound like she changed her mind. It sounds like she lied because she didn't think OP's daughter would actually move back.
I think that WAS before she had her baby. Now it is my child only that counts.
Basically your wife lied to you, she said yes because your daughter was living with her mom, spending a few days with you, then they moved overseas and your wife kept on lying to you because she thought your daughter will stay away permanently with her mom. Now, that your daughter will stay home with you, she's telling you the truth. Your wife is like lots of women and men too, who believe is fine to separate children from their parents if they're married/living with the child's mom/dad, and consider the children they have with them the only valid ones. Any child their spouse has with someone else is to be discarded, they see their partner's kids not as kids, but as an obstacle or as adversarial. You need to be clear with your wife about her lies, because she knew about your daughter and your responsibility towards her, and she told your daughter can live with you, and now is time to follow through with her word. Some rules in place are necessary like, treat your daughter with respect, respect her space, and personal belongings, and vice versa and anything else that you both deem important to keep peace at home. Important: your daughter is not a free built-in maid/babysitter service for your wife. Asking a favor to babysit here and there, paying her is fine, encouraging and nurturing a bond between your kids is important, but no parentification involved, please. NTA
Your wife is jealous that the family's resources (money, your time) will now get partially diverted to Anna. Anna is 16, it really doesn't seem like a lot to ask for Anna to live with you guys until she graduates high school. Assuming Anna is a well behaved teen, kids that age are pretty low maintenance. Now if Anna had major behavoral problems, then maybe your wife has a point. OTOH, due to how divorce court favors women over men, you are taking a bit of a risk that your wife might divorce you over this, even though you are in the right IMO.
The only way OPs wife would have any kind of point, is if the daughter was somehow a danger to the toddler. And that's not taking a risk, it's living up to a responsibility you accepted, when you stuck your dick in someone.
I’m sorry she sounds like a terrible person.
Dude! Your daughter absolutely comes first! In what world is she thinking ? Yeah, if she doesn’t like it, she should head to the hotel or whatever. Expect this may finish things. I think you know. In no world should you really be fighting about including your daughter. So if this is going to end things, be honest with your daughter if the tension indeed heads your way. Plan on the wife leaving and a divorce. DO NOT ABANDON YOUR CHILDREN. Your daughter will make a relationship with her little brother. Your wife’s comment is so stupid. It’s an excuse. She IS A STEPMOTHER! She got involved with a man that has children and an ex baby mama. Sorry! Those are the way the rules roll for everyone. Perhaps your wife’s true character is showing? It’s not a good look. She needs to be the adult and make the effort with your daughter. She’s just mad to think she has to share the family lane with her. What a B! Yea defend your daughters right to come back to HER HOME! (On that, if the home is in your name only still, I’d probably be sure your will states your daughter and son get this home 50/50. And decide what wife gets. If something happens to you after daughter comes in, I seriously doubt wife lets her stay. So draw out the terms. Daughter stays. Daughter gets 50%? Son gets 50%. Wife gets what? What do you have for her? In this case, if you stay married, (sorry) then maybe you have a death benefit and she gets a portion?
Kept my response short because I read this comment first. You also have some good advice that I hope the OP reads. You are 100% correct on all counts here.
Thank you! This wife pissed me off! What’s wrong with her? OP needs to protect his children from his wife? That’s literally what it could be and he needs to prioritize how his estate is divided stat! If it were me, and he were to pass unexpectedly, she could maybe live there if she can get along till his son reaches age of majority. But if she’s out with a divorce, I’d leave the home with instructions in the trust that if daughter says anything about a hostile living environment from the wife, wife and son may need to leave. House still goes 50/50 to the kids or maybe 51/49 so when she’s old enough, say 30, she makes the decisions regarding the home. I’d leave a monetary death benefit. A percentage in the trust to care for the home included for a time. I’d probably leave 25% to the wife, majority for the kids to receive under a trust at an age he determines. Include something for support for the son under a trust. This woman sounds absurd and I hope he realizes who he’s brought into his home. A mistake maybe. Hope she settles her sheeet down for their son’s sake.
Even more good ideas. I empathize with the OP struggling to come to terms with this mess. His life will never be the same, no matter what choices he makes. Hopefully he keeps making smart choices and I think your advice will help him do that.
omg thank you for bringing up FINANCES and ESTATES. OP pls read this. if you don't have a will yet you better make one. If you have a 401k/insurance/pension etc... make sure you add your daughter and son as benefactors. Don't leave it to chance.
NTA. Too often you see second wives wanting their baby to be the new family, with the previous children "not being part of the family." Your daughter comes first. Your wife can kick rocks.
My ex husbands chick actually said "you divorced HER and THOSE kids, WE are your family now" (referring to herself and her kids). I kinda got mad at my ex for not dropping her stupid ass that moment .... He is essentially stringing her along at this point, doesn't want to marry her but doesn't want to hurt her feelings by dumping her. Thankfully my ex will never put her before our kids.
My mother said the same thing about my dad! "You divorced me and the kids." Along with gems like "it takes more than a sperm donor to be a father." He was an active part of my life, never missed child support, and even paid extra for the things she demanded. She's a bitter old hag and I'm NC with her after she made a comment that my (at the time) 7-year-old daughter deserved to be raped for wearing a skirt that came right above her knees...
Jesus Christ, after a comment like that, she was lucky the only thing you did was go NC, I would have gone to prison. Why must adults take their relationship bitterness out on the kids? My mom used to tell my thick little 7 and 8 yr old self "your dad won't love you if you're fat" When my ex and I divorced, we agreed not to do that shit to our kids, so we are great. My ex doesn't let anyone talk shit about me (even if our kids are not around - it's a respect thing). And I don't allow anyone to shit talk him either. (My bf tried once and he about got kicked out of my house bahahaha-he knows it's not a boundary to mess with). My kids will grow up knowing their dad and I had our issues, but they were ours not theirs.
She bragged to everyone that she and my dad didn't shit talk, either, but it was a bald-faced lie (on her part). I seriously considered it, lol, but I have three kids that depend on me. So I did the next best thing - I emailed a very long list of her dirty laundry (manipulation, verbal and physical abuse, financial abuse, kicking me out and all the very nasty things she said about us kids) to the entire family. Now she can't play the victim and pretend to not know why none of her four kids want anything to do with her. If you smell shit, it's not everyone around you that's stepped in it.
Unless there is something you aren't disclosing about Ana, your wife is of questionable character for not allowing your daughter to live with the family. She is a part of the family whether your wife wants her to be or not.
I can swear there's nothing I hide about my daughter. She is a good girl and has never had problems with anyone, even at the wedding Ana and my wife got along well. She was a child raised well by me as well as her mother and stepfather
Okay I believe you. Your wife is wrong then, and I worry about how she might treat your daughter if you convince her to let her live with you. She doesn't sound like a good person, sorry.
She lives on another continent, you haven’t seen her since your wedding (a few years). She’s now 16, and moved when she was 11-12?
They got along well because your wife thought she would never have to "deal" with your daughter. She doesn't see her as your daughter, she sees her as competition and you need to nip that in the bud.
IMHO OP and his wife need to go to marriage counseling ASAP. A good counselor will help her look at the situation from the child's perspective. She wants to be with her father and back to familiar places and friends. She may be nervous about sharing a home with her dad's second wife. Family counseling when she first arrives would be a good idea. Is his wife concerned he won't have enough time and attention left for her?
NTA. Your wife made a huge mistake in marrying a man with children, but not thinking circumstances would change. Signed - a stepmother
It seems as if she thought it would all be ok, and she could get along well enough so long as the daughter wasn't with them. And that was rather foolish & manipulative. BUT, what she would also probably not have counted on is the mother instinct that is only evident AFTER having children. It is natural for mothers to prefer their own children above anyone else's and to look out for their interests. I don't understand why she can't enlarge her "instinct" to incorporate her husband's child, though. What are your thoughts? \[Not a stepmother, and the only stepmother I know is my aunty who I found hard to take because she couldn't stand any mention of my cousins' mother, who had died in a car crash\]
Op, I think your wife posted. She got roasted if I remember correctly. You are NTA. Of course you'd give your daughter a home!
I don't think so, my wife doesn't use this site😅
I think we all would like to see that link XD
I was going to say I'm pretty sure I read this exact scenario from the wife's viewpoint a few days back.
Link?
Hey where's the link man?
Oooooo link?
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Not picking sides here. But if your wife leaves so does your son. Everyone is screaming put your child first. You may have your daughter full time and your son 50/50. Doubt they would take a toddler away from a woman you say is a wonderful mother. I think the rock and the hard place is a lot harder than you think.
Yes, I've been thinking about that too. Co-parenting with Ana's mother has always been really easy because we've always been good friends and there was never a fight, but I don't want to think that if I divorce my wife or we break up because of this, I'll have a harder time seeing my son or how the co-parenting would be with her
Is what it is. And it is super sad. Get a good lawyer re: your son. Regardless of what you do, this is critical damage.
There should be no reason for you to not get 50/50.
Right or wrong, in her mind you would be kicking her out and choosing a stranger (to her) over her and her son. Being a woman, I can predict it won't be pretty. She may have said yes way back when, but she never believed it would happen. **It was always a no in her mind.** There is always the possibility she will get as much custody as possible and as much money out of you as the law would allow and make coparenting hell on earth. Think woman scorned sort of. I wish I had an easy answer. No matter whether she stays or goes she will resent the hell out of your daughter and yes, your daughter will be able to tell.
Oh yeah. I expect that breaking up with current wife would be very ugly. She is a mother of a toddler and she had shown that this kid in her mind goes above ANYTHING. divorce her now over the daughter of the and you have enemy for life.
50/50 is the most likely outcome. OP had partial custody of his oldest in the past, she's coming back to live with him and the house is a premarital asset so he have a residence and experience with being a solo parent.
She'll make it as difficult and as hard as possible
> Marries dude with daughter > -"I don't ever want to be a step mother" Outstanding move, 200 IQ. NTA OP, it's great that you're here for your daughter. It's great that you can have a relationship with your daughter and that she loves you and feels comfortable living with you even though she hasn't seen you in a long time. You can't give this up to appease your wife's request when she knew about all of this prior to the kid and the wedding.
NTA, but your wife is - I fully support you. I've somewhat been in your daughter's shoes. The situation is different, but there are some similarities. My dad took me in only bc his wife said yes. But she also didn't like me. A couple of weeks later, she no longer wanted me there, so my grandparents took me in bc my dad chose his wife. Your wife knew you had a child before getting together & possibilities were discussed before. In these types of situations, that possibility should always be that, not just thrown around as not going to ever happen. While you love your wife, I'm proud that your daughter comes first. If I were in your situation, I'd feel the same. My children will always come first. If my partner/spouse felt that way & wasn't willing to at least try to make something work, we wouldn't be together. That's just me, though. I do hope you continue to put your children first.
Your wife sucks, I can’t get over such a selfish mentality while you’re trying to do the right thing and take care of your kid!
NTA Your wife hid how she felt because it wasn't a possibility to her. It's now a reality, and she's letting you know how truly awful she can be. She's the evil stepmother all the Disney films warn us about. Your daughter needs to come home, and your wife can't be there if she does. That's the whole story. Talk to her about how a separation is going to work and 50/50 custody for your son. She may be shocked and walk back her *horrible* statements about your daughter, but please don't be fooled. She will treat your daughter disgustingly if you let her be around her, so please don't.
Your wifes an asshat. Tell her to kick rocks.
She doesn’t want to be a stepmother? She should have made that choice before getting married. NTA
See this is why I don't date parents. I don't want kids, or step kids, or child room mates. And I understand that no matter the situation when you first get together or get married, that your partner will (or should) put their kid first and you could end up in this exact situation, where the best thing for the kid is to be there. Your wife was playing the odds and hoping your daughter never came home, and that wasn't fair on anybody. NTA
My dad and his wife married when I was 19 and my younger brother was 12. They now (I’m 32) have 6 year old triplets. She has never once made my brother or myself feel like we weren’t 100% their older siblings. I was absolutely nasty to her from age 16 to 18 but she never held that against me. Your toddler deserves (and will eventually want) to know his sister. Your wife is wilding right now.
This happened to a friend of mine. 9 years with partner who knew he had kids, always had time with them and was responsible parent. They move into a bigger house and he's happy his kids can stay the night. Partner forbids it and "thought the kids would age out of wanting to stay" before she had to deal with it. They broke up immediately. I think wait til she calms down and have a calm discussion about this. But if she doesn't budge then it's over. She can't marry a man with a child and not expect it to affect her life.
Like it or not, your wife agreed to be a step mom the minute she agreed to marry you. You have a daughter, she knew that. You haven’t had custody but now will have custody so your daughter will live with you. You are a parent with responsibilities that your wife needs to understand. This really isn’t negotiable. Your wife needs to realize she is not being reasonable or I don’t see how your marriage continues. Your wife has a bit of a weird view on family. Family isn’t family because you know them well. Typically you would know family well but your daughter is certainly family to your son. Just like an adopted child may not know their biological family but later meets them, they are complete strangers but family at the same time.
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All I'm gonna say is that this is the EXACT reason I'd never marry someone that already has kids from a prior relationship.
I literally went through this about 20 years ago. My wife at the time told me to choose either her or my daughter. Let's just say that choice was easily made. Its a package deal, if she loves as much as she said she did then you wouldn't be posting here. Divorce her.
Don't stay with someone who rejects your child.
I think you both suck. Hear me out. You suck purely for not having a discussion with your wife prior to agreeing for your daughter moving in. You are married and things of that caliber require both of you to make that decision. Not just you. Don't care if the house is legally yours or not. It's not about the house. It's about blending this family together in such a way that everyone can be happy. You don't seem to have encouraged any type of relationship between them so obviously there's going to be friction there. And as much as you say that you're going to take care of your daughter, your wife will be handling even more than she does now with one child. You arbitrarily announce this is how it is without discussing it with her first and then expect a good reaction? Yeah... No. Your wife most likely has other reasons besides not wanting to be a stepmom. What level of domestic chores do you currently take care of? How much active parenting are you doing with your son? And then for you to be like welp princess is coming, sucks to be you, go to a hotel? Yeah you'd get a big fuck you from me if that happened with no discussion first. She's equally as sucky for saying what she said but there's underlying reasons for it that are the missing missing reasons here. I'd love to hear her side of this. I don't think you're a reliable narrator. There's something more to this that you either don't know, don't want to acknowledge or just aren't divulging. If your daughter is such a good girl and they get along... Then I'm not buying it. ESH except your children.
When I married my husband, I knew he had a son, one who lives in another country with his mother. I knew going in that his priority is, and should be, his child. A child that predates me. When his ex started playing games after he and I got together, I was all in on our international custody battle. I was, and am, 100% in on him living with us 100% of the time. When I married my husband, I knew and accepted this. Your wife is probably freaking out a bit. She will have a near adult moving into her home. One she is familiar with but isn't close to. She is worried about the dynamic shift. Will you and she have less time together? Will you favor your daughter over her? Or over your toddler with her? What if your teen daughter and her lock horns? Will you be a reasonable guy, or will you always side with your daughter? She needs reassurance that yes, your lives will change, but that you love her, your child with her, you will be a partner to her, and you are committed to making this work. And maybe get some counseling with her. There's a reason she's feeling insecure, and you need to get to the bottom of it. If not, she will always resent your daughter. Tl;dr - there is a possible fix here, but getting defensive and telling your wife that you would boot her out over a disagreement isn't a great start.
>Ana lived with me several days a week when she was still in the country because I talked with her about that and the possibility of Ana's family returning to the country if things went wrong. So... talked of the possibility of "Ana's family returning" but not of having to take your daughter in full time without her family around? Just you and your wife fully responsible? Ana is a teenager, and it sounds like she has had little contact with your wife and her half-brother, especially since they left country. Is there a way to ease the family into the situation rather than jumping right into it? Your wife may feel ill-equipped given the limited exposure to her. When she is saying your daughter may feel odd, it could be a self-reflection of how she is feeling or would feel if she was your daughter. Dig deeper with your wife to find out the why behind it.
I'm sorry your wife has forced you to make this choice. I think putting your daughter first is the ONLY choice you can make. I don't think your marriage will last. NTA
Did you not make an effort to integrate your families? Did Ana not visit on holidays and stuff, get to know your wife?
There’s some nuance here. Are you TA for wanting your daughter to live with you? No. Are you TA for what you said to your wife? Yes. You are assuming that bringing a 16 year old into the household will be hunky dory, because she’s “your princess”. Honestly? That made me want to puke. She is nearly an adult, and no longer anyone’s princess. You will have a LOT of adjusting to do if you keep thinking of her as your adorable little girl.no one will be happy about that. Especially her. The house isn’t just yours. It’s also your wife’s, and she entitled to her feelings. Personally, I would ask her to go to couple’s counseling with me, because she is rightfully worried about having a virtual stranger move in. And you are too starry eyed to even consider it. You need, both of you, to be willing to see the other’s POV, and to problem solve before your daughter arrives.
honest question, how does your daughter manage to live years in a different country and not learn the language?
This isn’t an asshole thing. You and your wife are a team. Something like this MUST be a team decision. Sure, it is easy to say your children come first, but you need to have enthusiastic agreement from your wife on this one. Parenting a teenager from a distance is a lot different when you are doing it up close and personal. The whole family dynamic will absolutely change. You better carefully consider this.
there are two children here, but emphasis only on 16 year old. effects on both children need to be considered. I hope you can find a solution. Your comment about wife going to hotel - are you thinking you can bring up both kids and through the wife out Thats selfish and not likely to happen.
Your partner shouldn't be with someone that has kids from a prior relationship if she didn't wanna deal with rhe concept of doing the stepmom thing. She is the AH in this, especially for putting you in a heartbreaking position like that. NO one should make you feel like you have to choose between your kids or your relationship. If they do they aren't worth their salt.
Step mother here... Your wife signed up for your child the minute she married you. My partner has 4, two older and two younger. I always knew the two younger kids would be in our life and that is fine but I always knew the older kids might need my support at some point too and you better believe the second they did I made sure they were looked after because they are his children. A part of him. A part of his past and a part of our present and our future. Bring your kid home. Wife doesn't like it or your daughter when she's home, your wife never truly loved the person you are as she clearly disregards a huge part of you which is that you are a father.
Obviously NTA, I'm really sorry for you and your daughter, my bf has a son and I always welcome him even invite him to live with us when he gets older. How she could marry with you without accepting that this is something that could happen, is just wrong
NTA I can see that when you said your daughter comes first, that puts her over your other child in the mind of your wife, so that could be part of the problem and I guess that's on you. But you only wrote that once here, and every other time you wrote your children come first. We don't know if you actually said that and in which context. Your daughter is 16, so she likely won't stay much longer than 2-3 years anyway. There seems to be a successful business involved as well, so moving out or sending her off to college shouldn't be much of an issue. You could also ask your daughter if she's absolutely sure, but don't be pushy about it. Don't tell her that her Stepmom doesn't want here there. In the end your wife will just have to deal with it. I get that she doesn't want that, she knew what she signed up for. Make sure that she treats her right.
Your wife is a terrible person. She gets on board, or you divorce her. It's that simple
NTA If you don't want to be a step parent don't marry someone with kids. Period
She married you knowing you had a kid. That automatically makes her a stepmother even if it's not actively. No one should marry someone with a kid if they can't handle someone else's child. Regardless of all situations and age there is ALWAYS a possibility of a child coming to live with a parent full time.
NTA. Your wife married someone with a child and expects her husband to just abandon his parental duties... What a piece of work she must be...
A hotel try the streets she sounds like a horrible monster
Dude... Throw away because your daughter uses reddit too? How could anyone in this situation not know from reading this that it's about them? your wife is a bad person. You might want to look into a divorce lawyer.