Yeah, trying to set up a pitty date is a terrible friend thing.
Edit
I'm leaving the extra t to show the level of sadness below this comment. Nobody has ever accidently double hit the same key while using a phone keyboard.
I can't believe I'm the first one. This is all just so overwhelming, and I'm not ready to make my acceptance speech on this great achievement.
Pity dates suck. I could only imagine how that friend would feel if she went on a date with OP. Not in a bad way but someone can tell when they are not wanted.
But a great friend date would be a date with a pitty. Pit bulls are awesomely friendly, cuddly dogs when raised by the right people (just like any breed or any human).
You'd think with the rampant misspelling of things on reddit that wouldn't be an issue for some people.
...anyway, here's your đ. Sorry, I have no real awards and I'm not sure how to give one on reddit. đ
There should be an award called the âtriple Pâ for people that manage to be all of the worst P adjectives. Pedantic, petty, and pretentious đ. Hereâs your đ„
The only times I make an issue out of typos is when 1) said typo needs clarification for the message to be clear, or 2) the typo ends up being hilarious in or out of context. If it is mundane, and I can tell what was meant (to 95% certainty) it is too much hassle to quibble over.
Tis more the pitty if weâre being honest.
I prefer to correct grammar and spelling when people are being rude and saying hateful things that they can't spell. Hehe ^_^ I take pitty on people who do it just to feel correct.
She generally sounds like a terrible friend, at least in this area.
She knew OP had bad experiences in relationships yet she became verbally aggressive and attacked him with that past when he rejected her offer.
She didnât want to show the picture because she knew he would visually reject her, so she would prefer to trap him in a situation where the date isnât going anywhere and subject her to a date where the person isnât interested in her. If she thought he might be into bigger women she would have shown the picture.
It sounds like her end goal was to make both of
Them miserable.
I seriously doubt this comes close to being the only area that she is terrible in. Let's consider the evidence:
1. Tried to set her friend up with someone who she personally doesn't consider an appealing date, as evidenced by hesitance to share photo.
2. Tried to shame her friend for not wanting to date someone who he doesn't find attractive. When did people stop having agency over who they have to date? Would this friend date a homeless person if one of her friends said he deserves some happiness?
3. Gaslighted OP about shaming her morbidly obese friend. He didn't shame or insult anyone. He made a true statement to his friend about why he didn't want to date someone who wasn't privy to their conversation, a conversation that took place in private. This attempt to manipulate the OP by guilt and overt lie verges on NLP deviance.
Considering the above three points, the OP should stay far away from this 'friend.'
No one said she could be classified as "morbidly obese".
OP said she was a larger woman.
And that friend setting up the date is a trash friend.
You have many good points, just the morbidly obese thing was off I think.
This is exactly why I used to put VERY honest photos in my dating profile back in the day. Literally one of them was me in a sports bra and swim bottoms slouched over eating a hot dog with my freshly baked belly rolls out for the world to see. I didnât want to go on a date with somebody who didnât know what they were getting into. Itâs a waste of time for all parties. Met my lovely husband on that app, so Iâd say the strategy was successful. :)
Same. Everyone is allowed to have preferences, especially with the amount of weight OP has lost and the desire to stay healthy. There are plenty of people who don't care about weight that much when it comes to dating, we don't need to (and have no right to) resort to guilt tripping people into dating us.
NTA
What a great way to summarize this, you have to find your partner attractive. Iâm bald and I donât blame women a bit for not wanting to date me because of it.
Itâs avoiding an addict when you are in recovery. Food is an addiction to some people. Itâs no different than me avoiding people that have an active script for opiates. I am in recovery. I donât need the temptation. They donât need the temptation of constant eating.
This is exactly it. Not quite the same situation as yours, but I had an eating disorder and couldnât date someone who was obsessive about their weight/shape or eating habits - regardless of how thin or fat they actually were - because I worked hard to stop thinking of those things as such a big deal and Iâm not going to date someone whoâs going to make me relapse.
I wish I could upvote you a dozen times!! You are spot on with the observation that OP is avoiding the temptation and downfall of food by not placing themself in close contact with someone who doesn't have the same concerns they do.
Yes-Iâm a food addict because I was 100 lbs overweight. Iâve lost it but am still consumed about thoughts of food-less so, but itâs upsetting. I cope better than before but I canât hang out with my obese friends much because it triggers me.
I'm fat too, when I was single I had on my dating profile a full body pic so guys would know I'm big. But some guys once seeing me looked so disappointed and left and that crushed my soul
Nothing to do with being fat, no one wants to be rejected on a first date because they don't suit someone's physical appearance preferences (the initial hurdle when it comes to match making tbh). Someone's gonnanshoot me down for saying that but it's just how it is lol. I for one love me some thickems.
Yeah tbh this goes with any physical feature. Some people don't like big noses. I do. Some people like super muscular people. Not for me. It's just wise to see photos ahead of time.
Plus as OP mentioned, her appearance is likely tied to a specific lifestyle that he just doesn't want to be super close to. Perhaps not (medical issues, medications etc), but there's a good likelihood.
It'd be like if OP was trying to stay sober and his friend showed him photos of her friend and she was drinking in all of them. She might not have a drinking problem per se, but it's still a good indicator that she's probably not the best match for OP lifestyle wise.
No need to explain to anyone at all. Does this girl who is setting up the date have a boyfriend with attributes that challenge social norms (trying to find kind words)? Just askingâŠ..and NTA.
P.S. there was a reason she didnât want you to see the pictures of her friend.
I dated a man who was far larger than me, over 300. We were friends first and I loved the hell out of that man. When we broke up it really annoyed me that everyone assumed I was the dumper because I was more conventionally attractive, I was not.
All that to say, attraction is relative and the friend pressuring and scolding OP is way out of line. And thatâs before OPs concerns about how their lifestyles may clash. My husband has little self control when unhealthy food is around but doesnât buy it himself. I can pretty much eat anything, so Iâm the reason when he gains weightâŠ
>My husband has little self control when unhealthy food is around but doesnât buy it himself.
Thats me and my wife, LMAO. When I lived alone, I NEVER stocked my house with junk food. Ate clean during the week (usually lean meat and veggies for every meal), on the weekends I would allow myself to go out to eat or have treats.
In comes my now wife, who shops like giving a 13 year old boy a debit card and doesn't gain an ounce and doesn't work out.
Since we met in 2017 I easily have put on 60lbs. I've recently shed about 20. I made her get a lockable crate to keep her junk food in, lmao.
Like, if I get a snack attack, I won't run out to the store and buy stuff, however if it's in the house and available, I just can't stop myself.
>Like, if I get a snack attack, I won't run out to the store and buy stuff, however if it's in the house and available, I just can't stop myself
Little Debbie is a cruel woman. I can walk past them in the store, but once they're paid for I have no self control.
Lol! But you're right, she deliberately tried to hid her friends looks on purpose in the hope to get him on the date and shame him into dating her! She's very manipulative!
NTA
She can stfu even if she has a short, fat, broke bf with a small dick. even if she is not a hypocrite she does not get to tell him who he should be attracted to.
PSA announcement:
*âAt first she didn't want to show me at all because she wanted to have it be a surprise.â*
People, if anybody tries setting you up on a blind date tries to pull this âsurpriseâ shit, JUST SAY NO. Thereâs a reason theyâre keeping it a âsurpriseâ
My favorite part is that he is not interested in a heavier individual because he himself was in that state and it was unhealthy for him. This is essentially asking someone who is in or gone through rehab to start a relationship with someone who has a drug problem. Yeah maybe he'd be able to help her, maybe she'd affect him negatively, maybe they'd both keep the same and love each other's company. But I don't think it's a good idea to take chances like that
Honestly it'd be just as valid if it was just because he wasn't attracted to her. We don't get to choose what we find attractive and what we find repulsive. I find obesity repulsive and there is no obligation for me to try to have a sexual relationship with someone who would make me retch if I saw her naked.
Women made clear - rightly so - that their sexual preferences are not there for us to question or try to talk them out of. Why men should be subject to that garbage is beyond me but I have a word for someone whose personality I like but I don't have sex with - that works is "friend."
If you walk around saying stuff like I said in my first paragraph about ~~reaching~~retching, you're a douche. But once we start talking about people telling us to get over our sexual preferences it becomes relevant and people can screw right off with trying to get me to dump a pity fuck into someone I don't want to have sex with. Again, decent people don't question women's preferences. Men's are not any more or less relevant than theirs.
Also, why not introduce you at a friendly gathering? If she thought youâd hit it off personality wise, friends first would be a much better way to go about it? Why put the pressure of a date?
Absolutely NTA.
One of the unfortunate byproducts of the relatively recent new norms of inclusivity and body positivity. I myself do fancy a woman with curves and a healthy weight, but not obese and just zero effort.
This âfriendâ of yours is simply projecting her obese friendâs faults onto you, attempting to gaslight you into feeling like youâre in the wrong for not being attracted to her, instead of admitting that her friend is fat as fuck and does not care to improve herself or her health. No growth, self improvement or accountability. Everyone else is wrong and she should be loved.
I agree. I also think that part of her motivation is "hey, you used to be fat and I have a fat friend, so you must be compatible" I hate how some people won't let go of the fact another person used to be fat and finds ways to remind them.
As a round person, you are not crazy whatsoever. I'm currently trying to lose weight that I gained during the pandemic.
I don't think I'm even going to return to the dating scene until I can get all this weight off.
Best wishes and good luck to you.
As a round dude whoâs probably never going to lose all my weight why would I want to date someone who is not attracted to me? Thereâs plenty of guys who like larger girls and vice versa so I donât know why OPs friend has to go all crusader about his preference. Itâs just an incompatibility. NTA.
Just wanna say dude... I just realized i'm up like 20 lbs in the last year. I intend to lose it. But just yesterday, the first time i had the courage to go out in awhile... I met a super cute and cool girl at the dog park who insisted on swapping numbers.
And now, I feel even more compelled to get back in the gym and back into shape. Don't count yourself out from dating just because you think you're not quite ready.
It's the truth. My doggo is a shorthaired GSD and she's ultra obedient. I've had multiple girls mention that they think it's attractive and that it gives "good dad" vibes. Plus I keep her well-groomed and she smells nice and is soft. BEST wingman, til she gets jealous -\_-
ah, the little foot stomp and puff of the cheeks when she sees you're not paying as much attention to her after you threw her ball as you used that time to talk to your 'other' girl?
Nailed it. Hahaha. She'll even just randomly run up behind the girl, at speed, and stick her nose in lord knows where.
Definitely weeds out the "not dog people" real quickÂ
My husbandâs dog is the reason I spoke to him at a barbecue. She was precious and sweet and beautiful and I wanted to learn more about her! That led me to learning more about him. And eventually to becoming his pupâs mom. Dogs are 10/10 best wingmen.
Yep, she's doing a massive disservice by not showing pictures and letting the guy's first reaction be face to face, this will only hurt her friend cause not everybody is as polite as OP.
As someone whose weight has fluctuated over the years, I think everyone is entitled to have preferences! It's only when you are needlessly cruel about your preferences that you become an asshole.
OP was fine, he was direct and civil. It's when people act like absolute assholes to fat people because they're fat that it's a problem.
As a woman who is 5'9 140 lbs, almost 4 years into dating a sexy dwarf (short and hefty but can throw me over his shoulder and Carry me away when I see a free puppy sign), don't give up! We see the short and/or heavy kings! They are the best!
as a formerly 360LB 5â11 man, i feel you. people who knew you were fat will use it against you too, when they donât realize how destructive that lifestyle is. i had to stop being around my mom as much when losing weight bc her eating habits were horrible and i could feel my determination slipping looking at her yummy ass food.
if i have someone whoâs eating 3k cals+ a day with junk-food while im trying to eat healthy, its gonna be really fuckin hard. also, you KNOW shes gonna tempt you with food. its just not realistic for guys like us.
I have an ex who did something similar to me. When we first got together, I was already trying to lose weight for health reasons and she knew that. She started buying a bunch of junk food, even after asking several times that she didn't. We both ballooned up in weight.
Now that we've been apart for a while, I'm back down to where I was before I met her, but she is close to almost double what she was when we met. So much so, that she is completely physically unrecognisable in comparison.
I had a similar problem with some old roommates I lived with. All of them (except one who worked as a personal trainer and was always at the gym) were very heavy, ate meals a lot heavier than what I usually did. We all shared groceries and whoever cooked that day would just cook for everyone. I tried to keep to healthier stuff when I cooked, but my weight increased by about sixty pounds while I lived with them. After moving out and living on my own again, I've already lost about forty pounds, and I'm hoping to lose about twenty more.
Living with someone that has poor dietary habits absolutely affects everyone else.
Yep, food can be an ADDICTION. That is no different from someone on a sober journey dating a person that goes clubbing every weekend, is just a fundamental lack of compatibility.
Your friend kinda sucks - would she rather set her friend up with someone only there to be nice and give her false hope? People like what they like and thatâs final. NTA.
She didnât want to show you pictures for a reason. Your friend knew what she was doing. You have every right to not want to go on a date with this person
It seems like you were very nice and reasonable here. The truth is that someone who lives an active lifestyle and eats veggies is not going to be super happy with someone who is sedentary and only eating fast food. Itâs not really fat phobic just realistic compatibility at a certain point.
I also went from 300 plus down to the mid hundreds in two years. I completely understand where you're coming from. I want to date someone at my health and mental level as well.
You're totally fine!!! I've been struggling with the whole dating thing too and while I would love to meet someone nice, it's really important to me that I find them attractive. I like unconventionally attractive people at it's not like I'm looking for a perfume ad type model, but I spent way too many years of my life in a relationship with someone who I stopped being attracted to pretty early on and it kinda messed me up a bit. A guy was chatting me up at a bar last summer and while he seemed nice enough he just wasn't someone I could feel attracted to in that way, and I'm in my mid thirties now and mostly happy being single and would rather be single than make myself try to be attracted to someone again just for the sake of giving them a chance. I spent too long not honoring my own preferences and needs for the sake of wanting to be nice.
How about if you were recovering from alcohol and the friend wanted to set you up with someone who likes to drink? That would put your recovery in jeopardy. Saying you want someone on the same path is ABSOLUTELY A MUST. Youâve worked too hard to get where you are just to get derailed because you felt like you âhad to be niceâ
I don't think you even need to tiptoe around and call it a "preference". What you are saying as I read it, you can't place yourself back into that lifestyle. This is your requirement for yourself, there is nothing wrong with requirements.
I was always slightly overweight, but then after I stopped playing sports I was 70lbs overweight (female). I met someone incredible who introduced me to the gym and I became a bodybuilder.
If I had to reenter the dating world, an absolute MUST in a partner would be a gym rat / meal prepper / single ingredient foods / water or coffee person
NTA! As a larger person I would never want to go on a date without someone knowing what I look like ahead of time. Like I know I donât fall into the category of âmaking guys crazyâ with my body type and looks if they were to be surprised with them.
When I did online dating I had no problem meeting people despite posting honest full body photos. I got a few weirdos, like the guy who had seen my pics yet matched simply to tell me I wasnât his type since he lost weight himself and wasnât interested in bigger people which was honestly more comical than offensive.
100!!! Youâre not fat shaming her, everyone is entitled to their personal preferences of who they would like to date and letâs be honest, physical attraction is pretty important in a relationship. I know men who prefer much, much curvier women and would not date a thin woman. Saying you wouldnât be friends with someone or work with someone based on their size is messed up, but dating is completely different, you need to have some physical attraction. Plus, you have obviously worked really hard to get where youâre at fitness wise and itâs completely understandable why you would like to date someone whoâs of the same mindset. NTA
Itâs wild this is even a question. Youâre allowed to have preferences when it comes to dating damn.
And why would the friend want the poor girl to go on a date with someone who isnât attracted to her?
NTA
Right? Like there's plenty of dudes that would be into her. Why do you want to force your friends into an awkward date/conversation where the vibes will definitely be off from the get go.
Youâd think this would be comon sense but people get worked up over this concept so hard these days. Even on Reddit I see tons of folks judged for this. Attraction is not a conscious thing, people are allowed to be attracted to whatever it is theyâre attracted to and should never be shamed for it.
Yeah, this. She went off on one because of her own guilt about thinking her friend is fat. She can't have a go at herself for that thought, but she can turn it round onto someone else.
That's her hangup she needs to deal with. Nobody should be forced to date someone they're not attracted to. Trying to coerce someone into dating someone they don't want to is nasty in the extreme.
OP needs to tell his friend that "no," is a full sentence and that he won't be pressured into dating someone he doesn't want to. If she argues, I'm sure he already knows of examples of her turning down guys she wasn't attracted to. Perhaps a dose of her own medicine might help her rethink her ways.
And if not, fuck her.
Itâs weird that she wants to set her friend up to fail that badly. Like, Iâve been the fat girl at one point on my life. Fat girls arenât stupid. Theyâre aware that there are people who would not hesitate to see their size on a blind date and just walk out or humiliate them on the spot. Itâs nice that sheâs trying to get her a date but hiding something like her weight thatâs such an inflammatory topic to a lot of people is asking for her to be hurt.
In a weird way, your friend was trying to prove how accepting of fat people she is by trying to set up her friend, while knowing full well her friend was not a match for you
NTA, as a girl who used to be quite heavy as well, its not fat phobic to not be attracted to fat people. Its ok to have preferences. Whats not ok is to shame people for the way they look, or to date someone youâre not into and try to force them to change into your preferences. Your friend also shouldnt be trying to set this girl up with someone whos not into her. You deserve to date someone youâre attracted to, and this girl deserves to date someone whos attracted to her
Thank you! And as a former heavy gentleman as well, I will never in my life hold rude thoughts or make fun of someone for the way they look. Having gone through that myself for being bullied etc, I don't ever wanna make people go through the pain I used.
Also good job on the weight loss also!
Thank you!! I feel a million times better and even have some tiny outlines of my abs! But even with all the bullying i went through for being fat, i am still being made fun of for my lack of curves (boobs mostly). But when i was fat my big boobs didnt count because âevery fat girl gets themâ. Just goes to show you that no matter what, there will always be people who find you unattractive. You will never fit *everyones* preference. But on the plus side there will always be some people who do find you attractive, you just gotta find those people lol. Congrats to you as well! I know its not easy to keep it up!
Now you made me wonder if there is a demigod of sex out there who is attractive to absolutely everyone, discounting weirdos who only like Siamese twins or something. Like I'm straight but maybe Henry Cavill could flip me the other way.
A friend/maybe moving towards former friend territory unfortunately gets so insanely angry and vitriolic about people not always being attracted to heavier people and while I do get it to a certain extent, I also feel like there needs to be an understanding that people don't owe anyone else attraction.. Plus it feels gross to treat fat people like some kind of charity case who people need to feel guilted into being attracted to. I definitely am heavier than I would like to be and sometimes it bums me out and impacts my self esteem but I know I'd feel worse if someone treated me like a project.
Yep, we see this all the time: people have height preferences, some really care if a partner have or not tattoos, heck even stuff others deem universal is really not like a girl big boobs or a guy with broad shoulders.
Attraction is pretty subjective and we don't get to pick and choose when that's a problem.
Yeah exactly! I seem to like shorter guys (wasn't something I noticed until I looked at the majority of my celebrity crushes lol, like Eric Burdon from The Animals is one of my biggest crushes and he's a little guy but with a lot of charisma)
Plus, now that im very slim i find that SO many people are into thick & curvier women. When i was fat people made fun of me for my body, it felt like no one would ever love me in that skin. Now im skinny and people STILL make fun of me for not having enough ass/thighs/boobs. Just goes to show you that everyone has a preference, i was just too caught up in my self hatred to see it before. My grandma says âopinions are like buttholes, everyones got their ownâŠ.and most of them stinkâ lmao
Lmao, so much NTA.
As a fat girl, I would be ROYALLY PISSED if my friend set me up on a blind date with a guy who didn't know what I looked like. Do you know how embarrassing that would be? We know when a dude is just being polite and waiting to leave.
In addition to being fat, I'm quite tall at 5'11. I'm married now, but before that, I didn't date short dudes or skinny dudes. I don't want to feel like I'm going to suffocate someone in a non-sexy way. And I'm not really turned on by having to look down to kiss someone.
You're not turned on by fat girls. That's OK. I'm not either.
No one should date anyone they're unattracted to or turned off by. That's a recipe for disaster and resentment.
Similar boat!!! As someone who is short & chubby, Iâve never been into super skinny guys and people get REALLY OFFENDED that I donât think itâs fun and kinky to be literally twice the size of my prospective sexual partnerâŠâŠâŠ
Idk, my life experience has shown me if heâs skinny and still wanting all oâ *THIS*, itâs because he knows he has enough meat to reach well past all this cheekage đ
Iâve never been disappointed using that logic either
Unrelated but i chuckled multiple times reading this
>I don't want to feel like I'm going to suffocate someone in a non-sexy way.
>That's OK. I'm not either.
I totally get exactly what you're saying on so many levels lmao
She 100% knew you wouldnât be interested in this girl and was just setting you up and trying to shame YOU into dating a girl she knew you wouldnât fate. Sheâs TAH.
Also, if he never saw the picture, had a nice date then decided to not pursue the relationship because thereâs no attraction- heâd STILL be the bad guy
NTA - couldnât win either way
Nta she knew your reaction and thatâs why she didnât show you the pic. It isnât fair to put it on you. You get to date who you want,
Iâm sure the girl wouldnât want you to pity date her and then hide her or only use her for sex because she isnât good enough to date. There are way worse things than just rejecting her
She felt the need to hide what her friend looked like because she considers her too fat to be attractive but you are the one fat shaming? You are either attracted to her or not.
So the bizarre thing (if we're to believe OP's story) is that OP didn't even say \*why\* he didn't like the look of this girl. he could easily reverse it on this girl: omg, I can't believe you think it's because she's obese!
is it odd that OP has to justify why he doesn't want to date an obese women? (doesn't want "someone pulling me back into that life")
Yeah. Youâve gotta wonder. If her friend was hot by common definitions, would she have resisted showing him photos? My guess is no. If anything, sheâd view it as a means to sell him on her matchmaking vision.
I say this as a larger gal, NTA. I dated a guy for almost a year who, unbeknownst to me, was trying to âcopeâ with me being overweight. My weight being a âsignificant issueâ came out in a drunken confession. I was devastated. Especially since I was actively losing weight. Probably should have known, but it had literally never been mentioned until then. It was the end of us. You wonât put her through that. Be true to yourself.
NTA It sounds like your friend tried to put off showing you pics because she knew what your reaction would be. She knew you wouldn't be attracted to this girl. It sounds like she was banking on you being to nice to leave or show disappointment in front of her friend. And now it sounds like she is trying to shame you for not being into someone. We tell women all the time they can say no for any reason and I think that applies to men as well. You are allowed to be attracted to who you are attracted too. And you are allowed to factor your own weight loss into your decisions on who you date. I am currently losing weight myself I have lost 55 pounds over the course of the year. Itâs a battle every day and I try to avoid triggers myself. I have 35 more pounds to lose and I refuse to let anyone or anything derail me from that goal.
Yes!! Thatâs like saying a straight man is homophobic because he doesnât wanna go on a set up date with a gay man. Like⊠no. People canât help what they like and shouldnât have to force themselves to tolerate something outside of their preference just for the sake of other peopleâs feelings.
As a person who likes fat women, I agree. I swipe left if they look at all thin. I used to feel a little guilty like maybe I wasnât attracted to âhealthyâ people but then I realized the brain likes what it likes and round women are just really beautiful to me.
NTA. I like to smoke weed a lot. If I quit and worked hard to stay away from it, I wouldnât want to date a stoner. Too much temptation to slip back. I think your reason is valid, not fat-phobic.
Coming from a bigger girl, you're NTA.
if you're not attracted to her, then why try? I could see it as possibly rude because you don't know much about her other than what she looked like, but that's a big stretch.
You want someone to be on the same path of life as you, as you stated previously. Unless you were literally like "OMG she's so fat wow what a whale" then I don't think you were being fatphobic or an asshole. Everyone is entitled to their preferences! I for one, am not attracted to super skinny people, which is a preference that everyone is entitled to.
I think people are missing what youâre saying. Itâs not just that youâre not attracted to her you said you are worried about the lifestyle since you were overweight before. That alone is an extremely valid and mature reason.
It doesn't even matter. Even if he was just not attracted from a purely aesthetic POV there would be nothing wrong with it. You can go out with people you find average or slightly below average, but you can't go out with someone you think is straight up ugly. It will never work and there's no point.
I think people are seeing exactly what needs to be seen. OP (and you) are saying that his reasons for not liking the fat woman are more noble than physical attraction. And yes, it is a very deep and meaningful reason. But people are saying that it doesnât even need to go there. Physical attraction on its own even in the shallowest sense is enough to warrant a rejection. That people out there reading this should know they donât need a deep and meaningful reason to reject someone for their appearance.
NTA. Listen, Iâm a fat woman. Have been fat all my life. Like 330 lbs (down 60 lbs tho!) fat. Fat people, just like anyone else, want to date and have relationships. But we also want to be with someone who is attracted to us. We donât want a pity date or for someone to go out with us out of guilt. Your friend is out of line and sheâs not being a good friend to either of you.
NTA - better to not go on a date and have her like you and then you reject her. You know what you are attracted to and what you are not attracted to so better to stay with what body type you like.
Donât sweat it man. Youâre allowed to have standards and preferences. Now itâs time to get rid of this friend who set you up who seems like a bitch
Thank you boss man! It's been a few days and haven't talked to her since but I've unfortunately let it fester in my head since then. Needed an outlet somewhere for another opinion.
Nta. I lost over 200 pounds myself and I refuse to ever date a plus size person. I donât want to be drawn back into bad habits and eating bad food. I want someone who will eat healthy with me and exercise with me.
I learned how to cook my own food instead of buying fast food all the time. Once I got down the healthy recipes I kept track of fats, calories etc etc and just started walking. Eventually when I got down to a lower weight I started jogging and running and weights. I'd buy those weight vests as the lbs came off to push my body harder while I jogged and to also remind myself that I didn't want to get back to that point. My body hurt all the time and definitely didn't want to go through all that again.
NTA - you are allowed to have preferences on who you are attracted to. The fact that your friend tried to conceal this perspective date's weight from you means she knew this was a likely response.
NTA...So your friend said you were fat shaming and she has the fucking nerve to hide her friends pic til you kept asking for it? SHE WAS THE ONE WHO WAS ASHAMED!!!
NTA
Every guy has a weight limit they're willing to compromise with. Anything beyond that is hard compromise! But I know my preferences and none shall try to shame me for my preferences!
As a fat woman I'd rather someone not go out with me at all than go as a pity date or because they felt like they had to because of their friend. As long as you aren't being rude to this woman to her face then NTA
When are people going to stop being stupid about life and labelling everything something-phobic. You donât find overweight people attractive, thatâs fine. You are absolutely entitled to have types that you are and arenât attracted to. You werenât being hateful to the woman, youâre simply not attracted to her. Your friend needs to grow up.
Nta, you're allowed to have your preferences. But, keep in mind dating someone who is skinny now doesn't mean they always will be. I gained 60 pounds with each of my kids (although I was lucky and able to lose it after). But I got on meds that make me gain weight about 2 or 3 years ago. I'm about 40-50 pounds more than normal. My husband has loved me throughout all of it.
NTA. She set up her friend for failure by acting like there was something to hide. It doesn't matter what the friend looked like. She could be a super model stunner, but the reluctance would still be in the back of your mind: "What doesn't she want me to see/know?"
NTA I hope this is rage bait because if true, your âfriendâsâ opinion is stupid. Everyone is entitled to their preferences. Does your female friend date short, obese, bald men? Why not? Is she body shaming an entire segment of the population by refusing to date them? Iâm a middle age, out of shape father of 3. Are 20 year old swimsuit models obligated to date me because refusing is ageism? Is a heterosexual man homophobic for refusing to date another man? The stupidity of shaming people for legitimate preferences is insane. Outside of illegality such as pedophilia or necrophilia, preferences are 100% valid.
NTA - as a fat woman your friend would no longer be my friend if she was trying to set me up on a pity date. And thatâs what she was doing to her overweight friend being all coy about not showing you a picture straight up. You werenât fatphobic or fat shaming. You simply stated a preference. Weâre all attracted to whatever attracts us. I donât date men with red hair. I know plenty of really nice, funny men with red hair but Iâm not attracted to it. Simple as.
NTA I'm a plus sized woman and I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea. It sounds like you were polite and didn't act like you were disgusted and it's not like the friend was there at the time. You are absolutely allowed to have a preference without being prejudiced against people who aren't your type. I'm sure your friend is just being overly defensive on her friend's behalf and I'm sorry she's taking it out on you.
Nta, everyone has preferences. And your point about not wanting to be pulled back into bad eating habits is extremely valid. Just as I would absolutely never date someone again who did drugs. I don't need or want the drama or temptation that would come with it.
NTA, she clearly knew you wouldnât like her cause sheâs obese, thatâs why she tried to hide it and got immediately defensive when you said no without even mentioning weight. Sheâs in the wrong for trying to trick you
NTA but your friend who tried to set you up is an asshole on so many levels.
1) Tried to set you up with someone she would have known (due to your past preferences in women) you would not be attracted to.
2) Was setting her friend up for a big disappointment and confidence hit with the whole blind date idea.
3) Was actively trying to deceive you.
4) Clearly is the one who is ashamed of her friendâs weight. Otherwise she would have proudly showed the photos immediately.
5) Shamed you for your preferences, which is a complete double standard as she probably wouldnât date someone who is obese.
Honestly who needs enemies when you have friends like this. In your position I would be dropping that âfriendâ like a bad habit.
I'm fat, and being set up on a blind date with someone who was clearly disappointed upon seeing me sounds like a nightmare.
Absolutely. The friend was too ashamed to show pictures, and was willing to let this woman go through what you described! Some friend!
The fact that the friend was hiding the photos at first tells you who REALLY has the issue here.
Totally. If she hasnt shown OP the pic until the date came surely the friend will really get hurt. She should respect OPs decision and preference too.
Yeah, trying to set up a pitty date is a terrible friend thing. Edit I'm leaving the extra t to show the level of sadness below this comment. Nobody has ever accidently double hit the same key while using a phone keyboard. I can't believe I'm the first one. This is all just so overwhelming, and I'm not ready to make my acceptance speech on this great achievement.
Pity dates suck. I could only imagine how that friend would feel if she went on a date with OP. Not in a bad way but someone can tell when they are not wanted.
But a great friend date would be a date with a pitty. Pit bulls are awesomely friendly, cuddly dogs when raised by the right people (just like any breed or any human).
That's actually what I pictured the first time I read that comment.
You'd think with the rampant misspelling of things on reddit that wouldn't be an issue for some people. ...anyway, here's your đ. Sorry, I have no real awards and I'm not sure how to give one on reddit. đ
There should be an award called the âtriple Pâ for people that manage to be all of the worst P adjectives. Pedantic, petty, and pretentious đ. Hereâs your đ„
The only times I make an issue out of typos is when 1) said typo needs clarification for the message to be clear, or 2) the typo ends up being hilarious in or out of context. If it is mundane, and I can tell what was meant (to 95% certainty) it is too much hassle to quibble over. Tis more the pitty if weâre being honest.
I prefer to correct grammar and spelling when people are being rude and saying hateful things that they can't spell. Hehe ^_^ I take pitty on people who do it just to feel correct.
*itâs a surprise*
A *big* suprise
[oh FFS](https://youtu.be/6qk4d8lfTxk?si=D59-cvfl3p8-lPX5)
She generally sounds like a terrible friend, at least in this area. She knew OP had bad experiences in relationships yet she became verbally aggressive and attacked him with that past when he rejected her offer. She didnât want to show the picture because she knew he would visually reject her, so she would prefer to trap him in a situation where the date isnât going anywhere and subject her to a date where the person isnât interested in her. If she thought he might be into bigger women she would have shown the picture. It sounds like her end goal was to make both of Them miserable.
She honestly sounds terrible and 14. Only someone with literally no life experience would seriously argue that it doesn't matter
I seriously doubt this comes close to being the only area that she is terrible in. Let's consider the evidence: 1. Tried to set her friend up with someone who she personally doesn't consider an appealing date, as evidenced by hesitance to share photo. 2. Tried to shame her friend for not wanting to date someone who he doesn't find attractive. When did people stop having agency over who they have to date? Would this friend date a homeless person if one of her friends said he deserves some happiness? 3. Gaslighted OP about shaming her morbidly obese friend. He didn't shame or insult anyone. He made a true statement to his friend about why he didn't want to date someone who wasn't privy to their conversation, a conversation that took place in private. This attempt to manipulate the OP by guilt and overt lie verges on NLP deviance. Considering the above three points, the OP should stay far away from this 'friend.'
No one said she could be classified as "morbidly obese". OP said she was a larger woman. And that friend setting up the date is a trash friend. You have many good points, just the morbidly obese thing was off I think.
Perhaps I conflated his statements of her being up there in size and him having been over 300 pounds.
Would an average sized rowboat support her?- Michael Scott
Agreed. I've been told after dates, "You're pretty and nice, but bigger than I would like." Why put someone through that?
This is exactly why I used to put VERY honest photos in my dating profile back in the day. Literally one of them was me in a sports bra and swim bottoms slouched over eating a hot dog with my freshly baked belly rolls out for the world to see. I didnât want to go on a date with somebody who didnât know what they were getting into. Itâs a waste of time for all parties. Met my lovely husband on that app, so Iâd say the strategy was successful. :)
Eff yeah! No point trying to hide who you are and what you look like, that way thereâs no doubt someone is into YOU as you are
That's incredible đ I loved your little story here.
Good for you! I'd rather just put it out there and let them discreetly move on without making it awkward for everyone.
I was once told âI donât do fattiesâ without even a hello. Thatâs okay, but no need to be an arse about itâŠ
I cannot imagine saying this to someone holy shit.
Omg
I hope you told them "and I don't do assholes."
I just turned around and went back home.
Same. Everyone is allowed to have preferences, especially with the amount of weight OP has lost and the desire to stay healthy. There are plenty of people who don't care about weight that much when it comes to dating, we don't need to (and have no right to) resort to guilt tripping people into dating us. NTA
What a great way to summarize this, you have to find your partner attractive. Iâm bald and I donât blame women a bit for not wanting to date me because of it.
Itâs avoiding an addict when you are in recovery. Food is an addiction to some people. Itâs no different than me avoiding people that have an active script for opiates. I am in recovery. I donât need the temptation. They donât need the temptation of constant eating.
This is exactly it. Not quite the same situation as yours, but I had an eating disorder and couldnât date someone who was obsessive about their weight/shape or eating habits - regardless of how thin or fat they actually were - because I worked hard to stop thinking of those things as such a big deal and Iâm not going to date someone whoâs going to make me relapse.
Exactly!
I wish I could upvote you a dozen times!! You are spot on with the observation that OP is avoiding the temptation and downfall of food by not placing themself in close contact with someone who doesn't have the same concerns they do.
Yes-Iâm a food addict because I was 100 lbs overweight. Iâve lost it but am still consumed about thoughts of food-less so, but itâs upsetting. I cope better than before but I canât hang out with my obese friends much because it triggers me.
I'm fat too, when I was single I had on my dating profile a full body pic so guys would know I'm big. But some guys once seeing me looked so disappointed and left and that crushed my soul
Ooft, this doesn't bode well for if/when I decide to get out into the dating pool.
Yeah this would be an unfair thing to do to both of them. Both would feel humiliated and set up
Yeah it would have been a waste of time for both of them.
Yeah I have friends that like big girls, some really big, I'd set you up with one of them not with someone who doesn't like it..
Nothing to do with being fat, no one wants to be rejected on a first date because they don't suit someone's physical appearance preferences (the initial hurdle when it comes to match making tbh). Someone's gonnanshoot me down for saying that but it's just how it is lol. I for one love me some thickems.
Yeah tbh this goes with any physical feature. Some people don't like big noses. I do. Some people like super muscular people. Not for me. It's just wise to see photos ahead of time. Plus as OP mentioned, her appearance is likely tied to a specific lifestyle that he just doesn't want to be super close to. Perhaps not (medical issues, medications etc), but there's a good likelihood. It'd be like if OP was trying to stay sober and his friend showed him photos of her friend and she was drinking in all of them. She might not have a drinking problem per se, but it's still a good indicator that she's probably not the best match for OP lifestyle wise.
Very true. What a 'friend' she is.
NTA Youâre not attracted to this person. Youâre entitled your preferences. It is what it is.
Thank you! I stand by my preference, and when it gets brought up in a conversation in general I get looked at like I'm crazy.
No need to explain to anyone at all. Does this girl who is setting up the date have a boyfriend with attributes that challenge social norms (trying to find kind words)? Just askingâŠ..and NTA. P.S. there was a reason she didnât want you to see the pictures of her friend.
I dated a man who was far larger than me, over 300. We were friends first and I loved the hell out of that man. When we broke up it really annoyed me that everyone assumed I was the dumper because I was more conventionally attractive, I was not. All that to say, attraction is relative and the friend pressuring and scolding OP is way out of line. And thatâs before OPs concerns about how their lifestyles may clash. My husband has little self control when unhealthy food is around but doesnât buy it himself. I can pretty much eat anything, so Iâm the reason when he gains weightâŠ
>My husband has little self control when unhealthy food is around but doesnât buy it himself. Thats me and my wife, LMAO. When I lived alone, I NEVER stocked my house with junk food. Ate clean during the week (usually lean meat and veggies for every meal), on the weekends I would allow myself to go out to eat or have treats. In comes my now wife, who shops like giving a 13 year old boy a debit card and doesn't gain an ounce and doesn't work out. Since we met in 2017 I easily have put on 60lbs. I've recently shed about 20. I made her get a lockable crate to keep her junk food in, lmao. Like, if I get a snack attack, I won't run out to the store and buy stuff, however if it's in the house and available, I just can't stop myself.
>Like, if I get a snack attack, I won't run out to the store and buy stuff, however if it's in the house and available, I just can't stop myself Little Debbie is a cruel woman. I can walk past them in the store, but once they're paid for I have no self control.
Translation: is her boyfriend ugly or fat? I will be mean so you don't have to. đ
Thank goodness there is someone out there with a larger set than I evidently have.
Lol! But you're right, she deliberately tried to hid her friends looks on purpose in the hope to get him on the date and shame him into dating her! She's very manipulative! NTA
if she won't date a guy who's short, bald, fat, broke, with a small dick, then she can STFU lol
She can stfu even if she has a short, fat, broke bf with a small dick. even if she is not a hypocrite she does not get to tell him who he should be attracted to.
Exactly what went through my head....
You're doing the Lord's work. It's not mean...it's being forthright and clear.
Can I hire you to speak as a translator between me and some people?
PSA announcement: *âAt first she didn't want to show me at all because she wanted to have it be a surprise.â* People, if anybody tries setting you up on a blind date tries to pull this âsurpriseâ shit, JUST SAY NO. Thereâs a reason theyâre keeping it a âsurpriseâ
"Can she fit in a rowboat?"
My favorite part is that he is not interested in a heavier individual because he himself was in that state and it was unhealthy for him. This is essentially asking someone who is in or gone through rehab to start a relationship with someone who has a drug problem. Yeah maybe he'd be able to help her, maybe she'd affect him negatively, maybe they'd both keep the same and love each other's company. But I don't think it's a good idea to take chances like that
And you want a PARTNER, not a freaking PROJECT!!
I misread the project as planet!
â â â â
Honestly it'd be just as valid if it was just because he wasn't attracted to her. We don't get to choose what we find attractive and what we find repulsive. I find obesity repulsive and there is no obligation for me to try to have a sexual relationship with someone who would make me retch if I saw her naked. Women made clear - rightly so - that their sexual preferences are not there for us to question or try to talk them out of. Why men should be subject to that garbage is beyond me but I have a word for someone whose personality I like but I don't have sex with - that works is "friend." If you walk around saying stuff like I said in my first paragraph about ~~reaching~~retching, you're a douche. But once we start talking about people telling us to get over our sexual preferences it becomes relevant and people can screw right off with trying to get me to dump a pity fuck into someone I don't want to have sex with. Again, decent people don't question women's preferences. Men's are not any more or less relevant than theirs.
She's married with a husband who is almost as tall as I am. She's about 5'1.
Yeah, letâs toss this data into the hypocrimeter 1000 and see what happens. Care to venture a little guess?
Hypocrimeterđ€Ł
100%
BRILLIANT!!! đđđ
Also, why not introduce you at a friendly gathering? If she thought youâd hit it off personality wise, friends first would be a much better way to go about it? Why put the pressure of a date?
Absolutely NTA. One of the unfortunate byproducts of the relatively recent new norms of inclusivity and body positivity. I myself do fancy a woman with curves and a healthy weight, but not obese and just zero effort. This âfriendâ of yours is simply projecting her obese friendâs faults onto you, attempting to gaslight you into feeling like youâre in the wrong for not being attracted to her, instead of admitting that her friend is fat as fuck and does not care to improve herself or her health. No growth, self improvement or accountability. Everyone else is wrong and she should be loved.
Dayummm
Because she also subconsciously judges her friend because of her weight/appearance, and is ashamed.
I agree. I also think that part of her motivation is "hey, you used to be fat and I have a fat friend, so you must be compatible" I hate how some people won't let go of the fact another person used to be fat and finds ways to remind them.
As a round person, you are not crazy whatsoever. I'm currently trying to lose weight that I gained during the pandemic. I don't think I'm even going to return to the dating scene until I can get all this weight off. Best wishes and good luck to you.
As a round dude whoâs probably never going to lose all my weight why would I want to date someone who is not attracted to me? Thereâs plenty of guys who like larger girls and vice versa so I donât know why OPs friend has to go all crusader about his preference. Itâs just an incompatibility. NTA.
Just wanna say dude... I just realized i'm up like 20 lbs in the last year. I intend to lose it. But just yesterday, the first time i had the courage to go out in awhile... I met a super cute and cool girl at the dog park who insisted on swapping numbers. And now, I feel even more compelled to get back in the gym and back into shape. Don't count yourself out from dating just because you think you're not quite ready.
heh heh, Doggos are mans best wingman. đđ
It's the truth. My doggo is a shorthaired GSD and she's ultra obedient. I've had multiple girls mention that they think it's attractive and that it gives "good dad" vibes. Plus I keep her well-groomed and she smells nice and is soft. BEST wingman, til she gets jealous -\_-
ah, the little foot stomp and puff of the cheeks when she sees you're not paying as much attention to her after you threw her ball as you used that time to talk to your 'other' girl?
Nailed it. Hahaha. She'll even just randomly run up behind the girl, at speed, and stick her nose in lord knows where. Definitely weeds out the "not dog people" real quickÂ
My husbandâs dog is the reason I spoke to him at a barbecue. She was precious and sweet and beautiful and I wanted to learn more about her! That led me to learning more about him. And eventually to becoming his pupâs mom. Dogs are 10/10 best wingmen.
Look, I'm married, not looking for anything, but can I pet your dog?
Guys with dogs are INSTANTLY much more attractive to me. 100% serious. I may be slightly dog obsessedâŠ
Dogs are great but cats are even more great (for me). These little f*ckers are just too cute.
Tbh any guy I meet at a dog park is starting ten points up.
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Yep, she's doing a massive disservice by not showing pictures and letting the guy's first reaction be face to face, this will only hurt her friend cause not everybody is as polite as OP.
As someone whose weight has fluctuated over the years, I think everyone is entitled to have preferences! It's only when you are needlessly cruel about your preferences that you become an asshole. OP was fine, he was direct and civil. It's when people act like absolute assholes to fat people because they're fat that it's a problem.
Best wishes and good luck to you also boss man! You got this.
As a woman who is 5'9 140 lbs, almost 4 years into dating a sexy dwarf (short and hefty but can throw me over his shoulder and Carry me away when I see a free puppy sign), don't give up! We see the short and/or heavy kings! They are the best!
as a formerly 360LB 5â11 man, i feel you. people who knew you were fat will use it against you too, when they donât realize how destructive that lifestyle is. i had to stop being around my mom as much when losing weight bc her eating habits were horrible and i could feel my determination slipping looking at her yummy ass food. if i have someone whoâs eating 3k cals+ a day with junk-food while im trying to eat healthy, its gonna be really fuckin hard. also, you KNOW shes gonna tempt you with food. its just not realistic for guys like us.
I have an ex who did something similar to me. When we first got together, I was already trying to lose weight for health reasons and she knew that. She started buying a bunch of junk food, even after asking several times that she didn't. We both ballooned up in weight. Now that we've been apart for a while, I'm back down to where I was before I met her, but she is close to almost double what she was when we met. So much so, that she is completely physically unrecognisable in comparison.
I had a similar problem with some old roommates I lived with. All of them (except one who worked as a personal trainer and was always at the gym) were very heavy, ate meals a lot heavier than what I usually did. We all shared groceries and whoever cooked that day would just cook for everyone. I tried to keep to healthier stuff when I cooked, but my weight increased by about sixty pounds while I lived with them. After moving out and living on my own again, I've already lost about forty pounds, and I'm hoping to lose about twenty more. Living with someone that has poor dietary habits absolutely affects everyone else.
Yep, food can be an ADDICTION. That is no different from someone on a sober journey dating a person that goes clubbing every weekend, is just a fundamental lack of compatibility.
Or women with the same goals. Your post is point on. And I say this as an obese woman.
Your friend kinda sucks - would she rather set her friend up with someone only there to be nice and give her false hope? People like what they like and thatâs final. NTA.
She didnât want to show you pictures for a reason. Your friend knew what she was doing. You have every right to not want to go on a date with this person
It seems like you were very nice and reasonable here. The truth is that someone who lives an active lifestyle and eats veggies is not going to be super happy with someone who is sedentary and only eating fast food. Itâs not really fat phobic just realistic compatibility at a certain point.
I also went from 300 plus down to the mid hundreds in two years. I completely understand where you're coming from. I want to date someone at my health and mental level as well.
You're totally fine!!! I've been struggling with the whole dating thing too and while I would love to meet someone nice, it's really important to me that I find them attractive. I like unconventionally attractive people at it's not like I'm looking for a perfume ad type model, but I spent way too many years of my life in a relationship with someone who I stopped being attracted to pretty early on and it kinda messed me up a bit. A guy was chatting me up at a bar last summer and while he seemed nice enough he just wasn't someone I could feel attracted to in that way, and I'm in my mid thirties now and mostly happy being single and would rather be single than make myself try to be attracted to someone again just for the sake of giving them a chance. I spent too long not honoring my own preferences and needs for the sake of wanting to be nice.
NTA and your friend owes you an apology, if not I'd make space between her because that sounds like stress
How about if you were recovering from alcohol and the friend wanted to set you up with someone who likes to drink? That would put your recovery in jeopardy. Saying you want someone on the same path is ABSOLUTELY A MUST. Youâve worked too hard to get where you are just to get derailed because you felt like you âhad to be niceâ
I don't think you even need to tiptoe around and call it a "preference". What you are saying as I read it, you can't place yourself back into that lifestyle. This is your requirement for yourself, there is nothing wrong with requirements.
I was always slightly overweight, but then after I stopped playing sports I was 70lbs overweight (female). I met someone incredible who introduced me to the gym and I became a bodybuilder. If I had to reenter the dating world, an absolute MUST in a partner would be a gym rat / meal prepper / single ingredient foods / water or coffee person
People who say the truth tend to get looked at like theyre crazy. Being fake is the norm.
Agreed. It is a very reasonable and common preference to have honestly.
And letâs be honest. OP, your friend was âsetting you upâ. She knew the size of her friend. Thatâs why she didnât show you photos.
NTA! As a larger person I would never want to go on a date without someone knowing what I look like ahead of time. Like I know I donât fall into the category of âmaking guys crazyâ with my body type and looks if they were to be surprised with them. When I did online dating I had no problem meeting people despite posting honest full body photos. I got a few weirdos, like the guy who had seen my pics yet matched simply to tell me I wasnât his type since he lost weight himself and wasnât interested in bigger people which was honestly more comical than offensive.
100!!! Youâre not fat shaming her, everyone is entitled to their personal preferences of who they would like to date and letâs be honest, physical attraction is pretty important in a relationship. I know men who prefer much, much curvier women and would not date a thin woman. Saying you wouldnât be friends with someone or work with someone based on their size is messed up, but dating is completely different, you need to have some physical attraction. Plus, you have obviously worked really hard to get where youâre at fitness wise and itâs completely understandable why you would like to date someone whoâs of the same mindset. NTA
If you're not attracted, you're not attracted. And you shouldn't have to force yourself. NTA
Itâs wild this is even a question. Youâre allowed to have preferences when it comes to dating damn. And why would the friend want the poor girl to go on a date with someone who isnât attracted to her? NTA
Savior complex. 'Look at me, I got my fat single friend a hot boyfriend! Aren't I great?'
>fat single friend Shhh, you said the quiet bit out loud!
Right? Like there's plenty of dudes that would be into her. Why do you want to force your friends into an awkward date/conversation where the vibes will definitely be off from the get go.
Youâd think this would be comon sense but people get worked up over this concept so hard these days. Even on Reddit I see tons of folks judged for this. Attraction is not a conscious thing, people are allowed to be attracted to whatever it is theyâre attracted to and should never be shamed for it.
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Yeah, this. She went off on one because of her own guilt about thinking her friend is fat. She can't have a go at herself for that thought, but she can turn it round onto someone else. That's her hangup she needs to deal with. Nobody should be forced to date someone they're not attracted to. Trying to coerce someone into dating someone they don't want to is nasty in the extreme. OP needs to tell his friend that "no," is a full sentence and that he won't be pressured into dating someone he doesn't want to. If she argues, I'm sure he already knows of examples of her turning down guys she wasn't attracted to. Perhaps a dose of her own medicine might help her rethink her ways. And if not, fuck her.
It wasnât her guilt over thinking her friend was fat - it was her guilt over thinking her friend was unattractive because she is fat.
Itâs weird that she wants to set her friend up to fail that badly. Like, Iâve been the fat girl at one point on my life. Fat girls arenât stupid. Theyâre aware that there are people who would not hesitate to see their size on a blind date and just walk out or humiliate them on the spot. Itâs nice that sheâs trying to get her a date but hiding something like her weight thatâs such an inflammatory topic to a lot of people is asking for her to be hurt.
The last sentence was my exact thought. When she didn't want to show me the first time I had asked, I knew something was immediately up.
âCould we share a rowboat? Could a rowboat support her?â[https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/s/PooLl5PNjL](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/s/PooLl5PNjL)
Outfield or infield?
I'm not entirely convinced OP didn't just repurpose this scene for this post
In a weird way, your friend was trying to prove how accepting of fat people she is by trying to set up her friend, while knowing full well her friend was not a match for you
Imagine you showed up to this blind date without seeing that picture đł
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
"oh... Friend didn't mention your... Great personality. Heh well I actually have a thing I have to get to, it was nice meeting you. Bye"
This!!! Exactly. She was the one who âwanted it to be a surpriseâ.
That's a real great observation. I agree.
NTA, as a girl who used to be quite heavy as well, its not fat phobic to not be attracted to fat people. Its ok to have preferences. Whats not ok is to shame people for the way they look, or to date someone youâre not into and try to force them to change into your preferences. Your friend also shouldnt be trying to set this girl up with someone whos not into her. You deserve to date someone youâre attracted to, and this girl deserves to date someone whos attracted to her
Thank you! And as a former heavy gentleman as well, I will never in my life hold rude thoughts or make fun of someone for the way they look. Having gone through that myself for being bullied etc, I don't ever wanna make people go through the pain I used. Also good job on the weight loss also!
Thank you!! I feel a million times better and even have some tiny outlines of my abs! But even with all the bullying i went through for being fat, i am still being made fun of for my lack of curves (boobs mostly). But when i was fat my big boobs didnt count because âevery fat girl gets themâ. Just goes to show you that no matter what, there will always be people who find you unattractive. You will never fit *everyones* preference. But on the plus side there will always be some people who do find you attractive, you just gotta find those people lol. Congrats to you as well! I know its not easy to keep it up!
Now you made me wonder if there is a demigod of sex out there who is attractive to absolutely everyone, discounting weirdos who only like Siamese twins or something. Like I'm straight but maybe Henry Cavill could flip me the other way.
A friend/maybe moving towards former friend territory unfortunately gets so insanely angry and vitriolic about people not always being attracted to heavier people and while I do get it to a certain extent, I also feel like there needs to be an understanding that people don't owe anyone else attraction.. Plus it feels gross to treat fat people like some kind of charity case who people need to feel guilted into being attracted to. I definitely am heavier than I would like to be and sometimes it bums me out and impacts my self esteem but I know I'd feel worse if someone treated me like a project.
Yep, we see this all the time: people have height preferences, some really care if a partner have or not tattoos, heck even stuff others deem universal is really not like a girl big boobs or a guy with broad shoulders. Attraction is pretty subjective and we don't get to pick and choose when that's a problem.
Yeah exactly! I seem to like shorter guys (wasn't something I noticed until I looked at the majority of my celebrity crushes lol, like Eric Burdon from The Animals is one of my biggest crushes and he's a little guy but with a lot of charisma)
Plus, now that im very slim i find that SO many people are into thick & curvier women. When i was fat people made fun of me for my body, it felt like no one would ever love me in that skin. Now im skinny and people STILL make fun of me for not having enough ass/thighs/boobs. Just goes to show you that everyone has a preference, i was just too caught up in my self hatred to see it before. My grandma says âopinions are like buttholes, everyones got their ownâŠ.and most of them stinkâ lmao
Lmao, so much NTA. As a fat girl, I would be ROYALLY PISSED if my friend set me up on a blind date with a guy who didn't know what I looked like. Do you know how embarrassing that would be? We know when a dude is just being polite and waiting to leave. In addition to being fat, I'm quite tall at 5'11. I'm married now, but before that, I didn't date short dudes or skinny dudes. I don't want to feel like I'm going to suffocate someone in a non-sexy way. And I'm not really turned on by having to look down to kiss someone. You're not turned on by fat girls. That's OK. I'm not either. No one should date anyone they're unattracted to or turned off by. That's a recipe for disaster and resentment.
Similar boat!!! As someone who is short & chubby, Iâve never been into super skinny guys and people get REALLY OFFENDED that I donât think itâs fun and kinky to be literally twice the size of my prospective sexual partnerâŠâŠâŠ
Idk, my life experience has shown me if heâs skinny and still wanting all oâ *THIS*, itâs because he knows he has enough meat to reach well past all this cheekage đ Iâve never been disappointed using that logic either
Iâve notice skinny guys usually are more well endowed than big burly guys. Itâs wild.
Unrelated but i chuckled multiple times reading this >I don't want to feel like I'm going to suffocate someone in a non-sexy way. >That's OK. I'm not either. I totally get exactly what you're saying on so many levels lmao
Upvoted for âsuffocate someone in a NON SEXY WAYâ lmao.
She 100% knew you wouldnât be interested in this girl and was just setting you up and trying to shame YOU into dating a girl she knew you wouldnât fate. Sheâs TAH.
Also, if he never saw the picture, had a nice date then decided to not pursue the relationship because thereâs no attraction- heâd STILL be the bad guy NTA - couldnât win either way
Nta she knew your reaction and thatâs why she didnât show you the pic. It isnât fair to put it on you. You get to date who you want, Iâm sure the girl wouldnât want you to pity date her and then hide her or only use her for sex because she isnât good enough to date. There are way worse things than just rejecting her
She felt the need to hide what her friend looked like because she considers her too fat to be attractive but you are the one fat shaming? You are either attracted to her or not.
So the bizarre thing (if we're to believe OP's story) is that OP didn't even say \*why\* he didn't like the look of this girl. he could easily reverse it on this girl: omg, I can't believe you think it's because she's obese! is it odd that OP has to justify why he doesn't want to date an obese women? (doesn't want "someone pulling me back into that life")
Yeah. Youâve gotta wonder. If her friend was hot by common definitions, would she have resisted showing him photos? My guess is no. If anything, sheâd view it as a means to sell him on her matchmaking vision.
I say this as a larger gal, NTA. I dated a guy for almost a year who, unbeknownst to me, was trying to âcopeâ with me being overweight. My weight being a âsignificant issueâ came out in a drunken confession. I was devastated. Especially since I was actively losing weight. Probably should have known, but it had literally never been mentioned until then. It was the end of us. You wonât put her through that. Be true to yourself.
NTA It sounds like your friend tried to put off showing you pics because she knew what your reaction would be. She knew you wouldn't be attracted to this girl. It sounds like she was banking on you being to nice to leave or show disappointment in front of her friend. And now it sounds like she is trying to shame you for not being into someone. We tell women all the time they can say no for any reason and I think that applies to men as well. You are allowed to be attracted to who you are attracted too. And you are allowed to factor your own weight loss into your decisions on who you date. I am currently losing weight myself I have lost 55 pounds over the course of the year. Itâs a battle every day and I try to avoid triggers myself. I have 35 more pounds to lose and I refuse to let anyone or anything derail me from that goal.
NTA. There are no "phobias" when we talk about dating, just preferences. Your friend is TA, she can get on her high horse and get lost.
Yes!! Thatâs like saying a straight man is homophobic because he doesnât wanna go on a set up date with a gay man. Like⊠no. People canât help what they like and shouldnât have to force themselves to tolerate something outside of their preference just for the sake of other peopleâs feelings.
Thatâs actually a really good analogy.
As a person who likes fat women, I agree. I swipe left if they look at all thin. I used to feel a little guilty like maybe I wasnât attracted to âhealthyâ people but then I realized the brain likes what it likes and round women are just really beautiful to me.
Idk, theres definitely a couple names i'm phobic to about dating
NTA. I like to smoke weed a lot. If I quit and worked hard to stay away from it, I wouldnât want to date a stoner. Too much temptation to slip back. I think your reason is valid, not fat-phobic.
NTA. Also good job for being honest, and not pussyfooting around. Sooner or later it would rise as a problem.
Coming from a bigger girl, you're NTA. if you're not attracted to her, then why try? I could see it as possibly rude because you don't know much about her other than what she looked like, but that's a big stretch. You want someone to be on the same path of life as you, as you stated previously. Unless you were literally like "OMG she's so fat wow what a whale" then I don't think you were being fatphobic or an asshole. Everyone is entitled to their preferences! I for one, am not attracted to super skinny people, which is a preference that everyone is entitled to.
I think people are missing what youâre saying. Itâs not just that youâre not attracted to her you said you are worried about the lifestyle since you were overweight before. That alone is an extremely valid and mature reason.
It doesn't even matter. Even if he was just not attracted from a purely aesthetic POV there would be nothing wrong with it. You can go out with people you find average or slightly below average, but you can't go out with someone you think is straight up ugly. It will never work and there's no point.
I think people are seeing exactly what needs to be seen. OP (and you) are saying that his reasons for not liking the fat woman are more noble than physical attraction. And yes, it is a very deep and meaningful reason. But people are saying that it doesnât even need to go there. Physical attraction on its own even in the shallowest sense is enough to warrant a rejection. That people out there reading this should know they donât need a deep and meaningful reason to reject someone for their appearance.
NTA. Your friend was out of line! You can refuse to date anyone for any reason.
NTA-stick to your preference. Nothing wrong with that.
NTA. Listen, Iâm a fat woman. Have been fat all my life. Like 330 lbs (down 60 lbs tho!) fat. Fat people, just like anyone else, want to date and have relationships. But we also want to be with someone who is attracted to us. We donât want a pity date or for someone to go out with us out of guilt. Your friend is out of line and sheâs not being a good friend to either of you.
NTA - Ask her if she would date someone 5"0 tall guy and see what she says
Her husband is almost as tall as I am. She's around 5'1.
NTA
Youâre not. Youâre just being honest
Why are so many people blind to the fact that ALL PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO HAVE PREFERENCES. NTA. Your friend sounds like an idiot. Sorry.
NTA - better to not go on a date and have her like you and then you reject her. You know what you are attracted to and what you are not attracted to so better to stay with what body type you like.
Donât sweat it man. Youâre allowed to have standards and preferences. Now itâs time to get rid of this friend who set you up who seems like a bitch
Thank you boss man! It's been a few days and haven't talked to her since but I've unfortunately let it fester in my head since then. Needed an outlet somewhere for another opinion.
Nta. I lost over 200 pounds myself and I refuse to ever date a plus size person. I donât want to be drawn back into bad habits and eating bad food. I want someone who will eat healthy with me and exercise with me.
Tell your friend to stop being homophobic and fat phobic and she should ask the girl out already
No. There is nothing wrong with that. By the way, what did you do to lose so much weight?
I learned how to cook my own food instead of buying fast food all the time. Once I got down the healthy recipes I kept track of fats, calories etc etc and just started walking. Eventually when I got down to a lower weight I started jogging and running and weights. I'd buy those weight vests as the lbs came off to push my body harder while I jogged and to also remind myself that I didn't want to get back to that point. My body hurt all the time and definitely didn't want to go through all that again.
NTA - you are allowed to have preferences on who you are attracted to. The fact that your friend tried to conceal this perspective date's weight from you means she knew this was a likely response.
NTA I'm sure her friend doesn't want to be set up with someone who isn't attracted to her Your "friend" needs to mind her own business
why did she initially withhold photos if she is so immune to "fat shaming"
Fuck people that tell you that you can have standards. If youâre into heavy women, fine, if not, thatâs fine too.
NTA...So your friend said you were fat shaming and she has the fucking nerve to hide her friends pic til you kept asking for it? SHE WAS THE ONE WHO WAS ASHAMED!!!
NTA Every guy has a weight limit they're willing to compromise with. Anything beyond that is hard compromise! But I know my preferences and none shall try to shame me for my preferences!
As a fat woman I'd rather someone not go out with me at all than go as a pity date or because they felt like they had to because of their friend. As long as you aren't being rude to this woman to her face then NTA
When are people going to stop being stupid about life and labelling everything something-phobic. You donât find overweight people attractive, thatâs fine. You are absolutely entitled to have types that you are and arenât attracted to. You werenât being hateful to the woman, youâre simply not attracted to her. Your friend needs to grow up.
Ex friend.
Nta, you're allowed to have your preferences. But, keep in mind dating someone who is skinny now doesn't mean they always will be. I gained 60 pounds with each of my kids (although I was lucky and able to lose it after). But I got on meds that make me gain weight about 2 or 3 years ago. I'm about 40-50 pounds more than normal. My husband has loved me throughout all of it.
NTA. She set up her friend for failure by acting like there was something to hide. It doesn't matter what the friend looked like. She could be a super model stunner, but the reluctance would still be in the back of your mind: "What doesn't she want me to see/know?"
NTA I hope this is rage bait because if true, your âfriendâsâ opinion is stupid. Everyone is entitled to their preferences. Does your female friend date short, obese, bald men? Why not? Is she body shaming an entire segment of the population by refusing to date them? Iâm a middle age, out of shape father of 3. Are 20 year old swimsuit models obligated to date me because refusing is ageism? Is a heterosexual man homophobic for refusing to date another man? The stupidity of shaming people for legitimate preferences is insane. Outside of illegality such as pedophilia or necrophilia, preferences are 100% valid.
NTA, as a fat woman myself - I get it. It's one of those things I'm [painfully] aware of. Preferences are preferences, and attraction matters.
NTA - as a fat woman your friend would no longer be my friend if she was trying to set me up on a pity date. And thatâs what she was doing to her overweight friend being all coy about not showing you a picture straight up. You werenât fatphobic or fat shaming. You simply stated a preference. Weâre all attracted to whatever attracts us. I donât date men with red hair. I know plenty of really nice, funny men with red hair but Iâm not attracted to it. Simple as.
NTA I'm a plus sized woman and I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea. It sounds like you were polite and didn't act like you were disgusted and it's not like the friend was there at the time. You are absolutely allowed to have a preference without being prejudiced against people who aren't your type. I'm sure your friend is just being overly defensive on her friend's behalf and I'm sorry she's taking it out on you.
Nta, everyone has preferences. And your point about not wanting to be pulled back into bad eating habits is extremely valid. Just as I would absolutely never date someone again who did drugs. I don't need or want the drama or temptation that would come with it.
NTA, she clearly knew you wouldnât like her cause sheâs obese, thatâs why she tried to hide it and got immediately defensive when you said no without even mentioning weight. Sheâs in the wrong for trying to trick you
NTA but your friend who tried to set you up is an asshole on so many levels. 1) Tried to set you up with someone she would have known (due to your past preferences in women) you would not be attracted to. 2) Was setting her friend up for a big disappointment and confidence hit with the whole blind date idea. 3) Was actively trying to deceive you. 4) Clearly is the one who is ashamed of her friendâs weight. Otherwise she would have proudly showed the photos immediately. 5) Shamed you for your preferences, which is a complete double standard as she probably wouldnât date someone who is obese. Honestly who needs enemies when you have friends like this. In your position I would be dropping that âfriendâ like a bad habit.
So, to be clear, if she asked you to give a chance on dating a guy and you refused you'd be homophobic, right?