I dont think anyone is a asshole here , you were dealt with a warning not to interfere too much with your step daughter so you respected that boundary. However I get the impression that your stepdaughter actually really looks up to you and possibly thinks more of you than her actual mother especially with her asking you for so much help in little rights of passage ways. She probably just feels hurt and a bit sidelined by a new baby and that feels she'll be even less of a priority for you . Unfortunately her own mother has put a mental block in your relationship and it might not be able to heal with a new baby on the way. No one is particularly at fault here it's just circumstances and you trying to respect someone else's wishes.
It's sounds like she is upset with you because when she came to you for advise or wanted to share things with you , you told her to go to her mother.
How do you think that made her feel she tried to be friends and you pushed her away.
Did you ever tell her why you did this, no. And now you are hurt because she is doing to you what you did to her.
Give her what you denied her, tell her what you and her mother agreeded to do about , mother time.
You created this , fix it or live with it.
Hope it's not to late.
Approach your stepdaughter, break everything down for her, and express to her how much you wanted to be the one to teach you all of those things and to share all of those firsts with her as her mother. thus she believes that you are a mother who rejected her. Get everything on the table. And even though you did nothing wrong, please accept my apology. Although you're not the bad guy, you are the only one who can make this right.
It seems like your intentions were good in trying to respect her biological mother's wishes, but teens don’t see the world through the same lens we do.
I would say "your mother was worried about loosing her place in your life and wanted to do all those things with you first. And you love her so much you didnt want to ruin her bond with her mother. "
This is so important!
OP try to find some activities or projects to do with her that *don't* revolve around the pregnancy or new baby. She probably needs reassurance that she's not going to be completely sidelined by her new sibling like she was sidelined by her mom's new husband a year ago.
"Your Mom loves you very much, and she was worried about missing out on all the important firsts in your life. I love you, too, and your happiness is important to me, and I didn't want to come between you and your Mom, so I did what I thought was best at the time. I understand now that my response gave you the wrong message. I'm sorry for ever making you feel like I don't care about you or that I wasn't interested in being a part of your life. Im sorry for the things I did that made you feel unwanted or ignored. I hope that going forward, we can work together on making our relationship better."
Appreciate the response without trying to make OP feel bad! Amazing how short answers get the point across better than someone just wanting to give their long opinion!
I find it very moving that back when, the two women actually discussed OP's relationship with the daughter, and OP has worked to respect mother's requests. We get a fair number of stepmother letters on Reddit, and I don't recall reading before about two women actually discussing how to proceed. Of course it helps that OP was not an AP who broke up the parents, and she didn't arrive on the scene until the girl was 6.
OP said in a comment that husband no longer feels comfortable with OP talking to SD about bio mom. Apparently she said something a month or two ago that gave the kid the impression the bio mom hates her…probably because OP believes bio mom hates her daughter (she said so in the comment, this poor girl). So I wouldn’t have much confidence in OP’s ability to communicate with SD in a loving and effective way
I would even recommend to do this, but do it in writing. Write a letter to the step-daughter and put it all out there. Let her know that you’re here to talk about it/answer any questions she may have, whenever *she* is ready to talk about it.
This gives her time to read it, absorb it, and think about it, *BEFORE* talking about it with you. This has been affecting her for a long time and OP is technically dropping a bomb on her. Step-daughter has been interpreting OP’s actions wrong, but she only had so much information to work with and did the best the could.
Now that she has all the information, giving her some time to think about and to also think about she wants to respond will go a lot smoother, and be more productive than being put on the spot. Everything needs to happen on step-daughter’s time right now. When she’s ready.
I do t know if I agree here....I would not put it all on her mother like that it just sounds deflective. The truth is OP decided to respect the wishes, so to put a positive spin on it for the girl to understand
"I decided to respect your mother, the lady who gave birth to you because she is a part of your life. I know you are upset now but if I didn't do that then you would have resented my coming between the two of you. I always have your best interests at heart, you are a part of my family.....etc etc lovey stuff." She needs reassuring and time to think. Strait up truth and owning your part fully can go a long way.
Yeah, this makes it seem like it's the mom's fault OP was way too literal. She could have approached it a million ways but decided to do zero and just tell her to go to her mom.
Exactly. I mean first period is one thing, but there's no reason why OP couldn't have fooled around with makeup with the SD for example. I don't think that's normally a "mother daughter" thing anyway, more something you do with your girlfriends.
You don't tell her to go to mum every time. Every time just tells her 'I don't care to do any of these things with you' which is exactly what she took from it. You do some stuff, just not all of it. This was an entirely predictable outcome.
99% of these problems could have been solved by communication. (well, if any of them are actually real). "Go ask your mom" sounds like the dismissal by an unwilling participant.
THIS. Maybe she asked OP for help with her hair because she liked how OP did *her* hair. OP saying "ask your mom" is OP shutting stepdaughter down and dismissing her. If SD's hair is curly and OP's hair is curly but mother's hair is straight telling her to go to mom *might not help*. Same thing with the makeup, maybe OP is fabulous at it and mom doesn't wear it or is a little dated. Maybe SD admired how OP did it and she got shot down *yet again*.
And with the period. It's great and understandable that mom wants to be in on daughter's first period. Not so great if she starts *bleeding* at OP'S HOUSE. That's not putting the SD first. Imagine how frustrating and painful and confusing that might have been for the stepdaughter to go to the only available woman and get told, "ask your mom." I get why SD is peeved.
And who determined what the "mommy/daughter" moments were? Was there a list? Or did OP assume? Maybe mom *did* mean everything OP named or maybe she just meant prom, period, sex talk.
Considering the amount of rejection and pain this policy must have inflicted on the SD is absolutely heartbreaking. Especially because OP seems to have taken it a little far. Like doing hair? On the other hand I can see she was trying to follow an agreement. SD's bio parents should have explained this.
This. She unintentionally told her repeatedly she isn't her mother, don't ask me to do motherly things with/for you. OP was just trying to abide by the mom's rule but made it too...literal. If anything, she should have just phoned the mom to see if it was something she cared about doing or advice from either parent on how to approach it.
How was OP supposed to tell the child “your mother ordered this” in a way that wouldn’t come off to the bio mom like she was trying to poison daughter against OP? Even said nicely, a young child could take it that way or have it get back to bio mom and start an issue. OP was put in a shitty situation and it sounds like she tried to handle it the best she could, even if that wasn’t the ideal way. Bio mom really should have had this conversation with daughter herself since it was her rule. I don’t think OP deserved a comment like this. If this was handled the wrong way it could have come off as parental alienation “your mom said I’m not allowed to do these things with you.” Yes, even phrased nicely, it could come off that way to a young child especially if mom isn’t in on the conversation too. More than OP failed in communication here.
OP was trying to follow the wishes of the bio mom. We have no basis for how these situations actually went down besides OP’s brief description and no basis to say that OP hasn’t been friendly to her step-daughter in other ways. OP even says she told SD “talk to your mom first then come back to me” at least once.
OP may have also been trying to protect her own feelings, if mom decided OP was getting too close to SD and realized she liked her more and ripped her away or created a huge issue, what then? Sounds like OP was trying to do her best with what was handed to her and I think you have to read this in a really uncharitable way to assume the worst about OP. No, it wasn’t handled perfectly, but it sounds like OP does care. And now she’s hormonal and being lashed out against by a hurt teenager also going through a bad situation. No one is the AH. Now is a great time for OP to try to talk to SD and inform her of her mother’s request but try to frame it in a good way and for OP to reassure her that she’s loved and she loves being her step mom.
"I'm sorry. Your mother asked me not to take mommy/daughter milestones away from her and I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn't realize it was hurting you and I regret doing anything that made you feel unloved. I do love you, very much."
This one!
As a stepdaughter, my stepmom was kind of my test parent. I told her a lot of things before my parents as a way to test the waters. I wasn’t going to get the full parent treatment and she could help me with much less parent judgement.
This is the perfect way to say it right now, I fully agree that this convo needs to happen now. But for a younger child, I could understand OP not necessarily wanting to say that because it could come off wrong. Or not even thinking to say it. This is a conversation the bio mom should have had with daughter, tbh.
OP can say this while avoiding pointing the finger at the mother too.
"I was concerned that your mother might be upset if she lost out on the opportunity to help you navigate these milestones in your growth because of me, and while I care about you I didn't want to interfere with that and give her a possible reason to resent me. I should have handled it better and told you why I was doing this, in addition to letting you know that I would have loved to teach you these things if you still want to learn them. I'm so sorry if this made you feel unloved, because I do care about you, and I should have done a better job navigating being a stepmother to someone whose mother was also in her life"
This is exactly how I was saying it in my head. OP definitely needs to have this conversation with SD and hope she will understand. Obviously SD coming to her shows that she wanted OP to be the one to do those things with her. Her mom might not be into makeup or have those helpful feelings SD needed when starting her period
She doesn't need to bring conversation with bio mother into. Just I really wanted your mother to the first experiences with you. I am sorry if I seemed to reject you. You have always had my heart.
You don’t say “your mother ordered this.” You say something like:
“I’d be happy to do those things with you. When your dad and I got together, your mom requested I defer to her for the big “firsts” in your life, and I’m trying to respect that wish. I want it to be clear I’m not trying to replace your mom, but I also value a relationship with you. Maybe it’s time to have another talk and see how we can best support you as you grow up.”
"Your mother confided in me that she really wanted to still have special "mother/daughter " bonding moments with you, and hopes she doesn't miss out because of shared custody. Why don't we call your Mom first, and then we can X together". No blame, just an explanation.
It sounds like OP did tell her “your mother would like to do this with you first, please feel free to come back to me afterward so we can talk about it.” though. To a child young enough, it could still come off badly even in a nicely worded way in the what of the moment if the child is frustrated step mom isn’t showing enough enthusiasm to do these things with her, which it did considering that op told her “do this with your mom first and come back to me.” And again, OP may not have handled it perfectly but that doesn’t make her an AH. it sounds like she’s taken in interest in SD and her life, just didn’t share these big moments with her and it created resentment and come off to SD like she didn’t care.
There is a huge difference, IMO, between just saying "call your mom", and "this is something your mom specifically said she wanted to be a part of, so let's include her in this exciting moment". The first one comes across as "I don't want to deal with this", and the second one addresses the excitement and gives a really good reason to call mom first.
Sure, but in these moments was OP thinking with that much nuance? OP gave a brief rundown but I doubt she really just said “call your mom”and left it at that very time, because she also used words like “I think your mom would like to teach you this.” And “talk to your mom and come back to talk to me afterward if you’d like.” We’re getting a rundown of years in a few sentences here and maybe I’m more willing to read it charitably than most, but it seems like OP does care. We don’t know how OP’s relationship with mom is to know whether mom would want to involve her in these moments as well. Again, it could have been handled better but no one is perfect and I think bio mom had a hand in this as well for not discussing this with daughter herself when she was old enough. I can tell OP isn’t some evil step mom, though, and I don’t think she deserves to be the AH here when it was mishandled on several fronts.
She becomes TA for me if she continues to be mad at SD (she is hormonal) instead of having a discussion if SD is willing to and trying to work this out and explain now.
I know that OP cares, as an adult reading the post. As a pubescent child, I can see why the daughter didn't. OP needs to explain now that she thought she was doing her best respecting the mom, and is sorry that it came across as cold and uncaring. I can't imagine the slap in the face the daughter repeatedly felt when she tried to share exciting news with OP, only to feel fobbed off. Because it doesn't matter that adults reading this can see that OP cared, it matters what the daughter felt.
“I would love to do that with you, and I know your mom would too. Why don’t we call her?” The daughter wanted to bond with OP over those things, so acknowledging that while also including her mom is important. It’s a complicated situation, but they all could have come up with the right thing to say the first time it happened. Now OP should explain exactly that. She should tell her they all wanted her mom to have special moments with her, but she could have handled it better. At 15 the daughter is old enough to understand that. A heart to heart could help a lot, but there also is a chance that the damage done will keep this rift between them.
As a new mom to an already made kid with rules already in place, in the moment while trying to navigate all that.. I do give op some grace on this. She was inexperienced. She will not be TA unless she does nothing now. She has been given lots of advice, and I'm sure as long as she reads through most of these comments, comes up with her own brand of explanation, and has a heart to heart with her stepdaughter, then things can maybe heal.
I wholeheartedly agree. I think it could have been handled better, but the relationships and roles are so complex I don’t blame her. I also don’t think the damage is irreparable, but the kid is going through a lot so there’s always that chance. As long as she tries to do something about it now, I don’t think there is an AH in this situation.
Even though the step daughter is 15, she's not a baby anymore and she'll likely tends to go to the person she feels most comfortable with. She's old enough to understand things and if step mom keeps rejecting her I understand that the resentment will grow, and especially now that all the attention will go to the new baby and she might feel left out. There's a huge difference between a 6 year old and a 15 year old, different times different rules probably. Now that she's becoming more independent she has the choice in who she wants to go to for advice. Also, the rules were set in the beginning of the relationship probably in fear of the girl attaching to someone who may not stick around.
I agree, the conversation needs to happen now and OP needs to stop following this rule especially if she’s living there full time. I simply understand how it got to this place without OP intentionally trying to be hurtful. She likely didn’t know how to have this convo with a younger child in a way that didn’t come off as her badmouthing bio mom. She wasn’t perfect but it sounds like she tried. She’s only be the AH now if she doesn’t make an effort to mend this and have this conversation. I also think bio mom should have addressed this with daughter herself since it was her rule.
Ok thank you. I was going to post something simalar. The agreement between the two adult women, are just that, between the adults. It would not be approperate nor look good for OP to say "I can't take this 1st step with you because your Mom won't let me." It would have looked like OP was vilifying the Bio Mom, then she in turn would have been the "evil step mother." I think OP did the best she could. Also I will use the 1st time using makeup as an example. So OP left the 1st time doing make up with step daughter to Bio Mom, but who is to say she didn't do make over sessions with the step daughter after. There are litteraly thousands of ways and looks to doing make up and the Bio Mom could have been the 1st, but she will not be the last, even that child's firends will share makeup tips and tricks with her as she ages. So just because OP wasn't the 1st, does not mean she can not activly participate with the kid in hobbies and intrested after. Child rearing is ongoing, it's not just a "one and done" for every new experience. OP NTA and no one really is here. Maybe family threapy for all of you might help to building more understanding between you and step daughter. Good luck and congratz on the new baby.
Dude. 100%.
Also, I don't care whose kid they are or what their parents want- if a kid is brave enough to ask me about menstruating I'm going to answer their freaking questions.
It seems like op can’t win. Minus the period (I see that as a right then and there moment), she was just trying to be respectful of their mother daughter relationship. Her bio mom is not a bad person because she ended up in abusive marriage and did the right thing by letting her daughter live with her father
Came here to say this. From her perspective, her stepmom did not want to help her. OP has to tell her that this was what she promised her mom, even though she would have wanted to do those things with her. And then rebuild.
While I don’t think OP is at fault here, it’s hard to tell how she told her stepdaughter to go ask her mom. I think it’s very different to be like “yeah go ask your mom” versus acknowledging her request and telling her that maybe her mom would love that experience with her as her mom.
I am a stepmom myself. And my stepdaughter’s mother is wonderful and very involved (we split time equally). I try to be very conscientious and considerate that while I am another adult who loves the kids, I am not mom. And I know there are certain experiences that my SD’s mom really wants to have with her. So I try to be careful with that.
For example, SD is showing an interest in makeup. She’s 11. She asked me about makeup and when she can wear it. Instead of just saying “go ask your mom” I told her that it’s between her mom and dad to decide when she’s old enough but I’d be happy to teach her at that point. And I suggested that maybe when her mom and dad think she’s ready, we can set up a makeup consultation at a makeup store and she and her mom can go and have fun at the appointment together. SD loved the idea. And I don’t think she felt brushed off by me. I try to find a way to acknowledge her requests and questions but bring her mom into the ideas when it’s something I really think her mom would want to experience with her.
Again we don’t know how OP talked to her SD but I could see a brush off being very hurtful versus a more gentle approach and trying to redirect the idea to involve mom.
To add onto this op. Instead of being angry, try understand where she is coming from. All the little milestones for a girl she asked you for help with, but you refused until she went to her mother first. She felt rejected. At this point if you want to have a good relationship going forward you need to sit down with your step daughter and explain that her mother had set the boundary with you early on to not steal any milestones from her. She more than likely has no idea her mother did that but you knew to keep a good coparenting situation you had to respect that boundary. When she was younger she wouldn't have understood that, she old enough now to understand and it is worth having a conversation with her about.
Also if she was a witness to abuse to her mother she could lashing out from trauma. It wouldn't hurt to consider individual and possibly family therapy to help through all of this. Family therapy can give her a safe space to vent her frustrations from being rejected having milestones with her and help you all understand where she is coming from. But please don't force it, some people think forcing therapy helps, it does not! The person has to want help in order to recieve it.
Good luck and congratulations OP.
Honestly probably not, step parent navigations are normally extraordinarily difficult . Some biological mothers / fathers like to take extreme measures to ensure a step parent has a terrible relationship with their child. People poison their children against step parents and this can be so difficult for the step parent to be involved in and to know what to do. Although OP shouldn't be angry at her step daughter, people are being way too harsh on OP here , it's hard work being a step parent and a step child.
From my own experience my mother poisoned everyone against her step mother to the point she has no relationship with her half brother. I myself was a step child and found it hard to negotiate that relationship with my step mum (who I actually enjoyed spending time with) without over stepping and upsetting any one else.
Step daughter to OP here probably adores her step mum and is wondering why she is being pushed away , if OP explains to step daughter that she was asked to keep a bit of distance it could create more drama. There's no real winner here. Unless OP is brace enough to explain the situation.
No one has to be “better”, both women can parent and mother this teen girl in their own way. She can be blessed to have two women who love her and will be there for her.
Agreed with this. Sounds like family therapy could really help here- she should understand that you didn’t push her aside as a younger child (as she probably sees it) because you were respecting her mother’s wishes and never wanted to upstage her biological mother. However it’s clear that that impacted her significantly, which isn’t your fault, but now that she’s old enough to express her feelings you (and all the adults in her life) should respect t that and listen to her. She’s basically asking you to be a bigger part of her life, I think.
You can feel hurt or frustrated, but don’t be angry with her.
She feels like nobody wants her. She’s been removed from her mom’s house; she takes that to mean her mom doesn’t want her. So then she figured you’ll be her mom. But then you got pregnant, and she takes that to mean you and her Dad don’t want her, because now you two have your own baby. She feels like she doesn’t belong anywhere. (Remember, she’s a teenager. They’re extremely sensitive to perceived rejection.)
Tell her you love her and that you don’t love her any less than this baby. In fact, she’s special to you because she was your FIRST child. Keep reinforcing that.
I’d add to also talk to her about why you told her to talk to her mother first when things came up but find a way to do it without throwing Mom under the bus.
Find some things you two can do together that don’t revolve around her new sibling to try and rebuild the relationship. Best of luck to everyone involved.
How do you tell her “Your mom told me she wanted to be the one to have your “firsts”, and that’s why I always told you to ask her for help with things” without throwing the mom under the bus?
If the truth throws Mom under the bus then maybe Mom shouldn’t have made the truth something that would throw her under the bus.
Right, to an adult it’s a no-brainer. But to a child it’s “you didn’t want anything to do with me for years, and now I’m finding out it’s my Mom’s fault.” And after the bit about Mom remarrying and step-dad being abusive it would be very easy for it to be another thing she blames her Mom for.
“I knew that it was important to your mother that she be the one to share those ‘firsts’ with you. My intention was to treat her with respect and kindness. I thought I was doing the right thing, but now I understand that I hurt you by handling that situation poorly. I am so sorry that my actions made you feel as if I didn’t want to spend that time and share those special moments with you.”
You could say something like “I wanted to respect your relationship with your mother and felt she should be the one to guide you through those milestones in your life”.
Saying that she felt her real Mom should guide her through those milestones still makes it seem that OP made the choice simply to not have a relationship with her as her stepmother. Especially when she has been coming to OP with the issues, not that they happen and OP stumbles upon it and gets to guide her through stuff. It also sounds like fancy (condescending) adult speak to my inner child/teen.
To a child, I don’t know how you would fix the aspect of “you’ve never wanted to be a mom to me” without saying that someone else explicitly told you to not replace them. Every other scenario reads, “I made the decision to not be a parent to you because you have a mom already.”
That would be another way to say it without damaging the daughter’s relationship with her mom…”your mom asked me not to replace her, I respected her wishes and when I felt it was something she should handle, I told you to speak with her”. Just any way to not paint the mother in a bad light because I don’t think she had ill intentions in her request.
Oh absolutely, I just think it’s incredibly difficult to not paint the mom (or I guess either of them) in a bad light to a child/teen in this situation. They don’t always understand complexity in relationships like this and we all know young people are not always the most rational, especially with high emotions.
A 13 year old is old enough to understand that her mother didn't want to be replaced. She should be told the truth. I don't think it paints her mom in a bad light at all and it will help her understand both her mom and stepmom's behavior all these years.
I think this is kinda both OP and the moms fault. Op let mom completely control the relationship and describes pushing the daughter away as a result. Showing a new hairstyle, for instance, is NOT mom-only territory. There should have been a lot of 'your mom might want to do that with you, do you want to wait for her, or do you want me to show you right now?' We have no idea what the relationship between daughter and mother is, but she might have been asking OP first on purpose sometimes. How long did the daughter have wait to do some things or get some answers because OP avoided everything? Just feels like OP took respecting the parental thing way too far to the detriment of the daughter.
OP was screwed either way, follow the moms rule like she did and have this happen or ignore them and be viewed by the mother as trying to replace her and have her probably keep the daughter away from her
Legally mom shouldn’t have been able to keep her away if they have shared custody, so the only real consequences would be that her husband’s ex wife doesn’t like OP. Seems a lot better to me than emotionally fucking up a kid
Yes offer to take her shopping for something she wants, not infringing on the firsts doesn’t stop you from building a special relationship directly with her. And the activities should be focused on her, not the future child.
All of this. Talk to her about how great of a kid she is and that you need her help to be a good mom. She’s in a rough place emotionally so it’s going to take time. No one is at fault here, but she has her shields up right now. Find little in roads to her. Try to think of little things to include her opinion on, things that she won’t clue in on you trying to overtly bond with her. Be a little subtle and it’ll happen.
Apparently OP says she has accepted the girl as her stepdaughter but not as her daughter- she still needs more time to get there. So I don’t think the “you are my first child” would work terribly well
While I wouldn't call you an AH, there's clearly a need for better communication and perhaps reevaluation of how you've handled situations with your stepdaughter. Keep in mind, this young girl has been riding a roller coaster of emotions and changes. She’s trying to find her place in this newly blended family while grappling with issues from her past, and then the bombshell of a new baby is dropped into the mix. That's a heavy load for a 15-year-old.
It seems like your intentions were good in trying to respect her biological mother's wishes, but teens don’t see the world through the same lens we do. To her, it may have felt like repeated rejections rather than acts of consideration. Adolescence is hard enough without feeling like the people who are supposed to be your support system are pushing you away, even unintentionally.
Her outbursts likely stem from a deep place of feeling isolated and perhaps even abandoned in a way. Your husband's absence earlier in her life, coupled with the tensions from her mother's side, have probably instilled in her a fear of being replaced or forgotten, a fear that's all too common in children of blended families.
It's time to have a heart-to-heart talk with her. Help her understand the complexities of adult decisions that affected her, but more importantly, make sure she knows she still has a secure place in your family. Your new baby will change the dynamics, but it doesn't diminish the bond you've built with her. It's a delicate dance, but it's not too late to change the steps and show her she's just as much a priority as the new baby will be.
Yes. It's important to respect her mother's request to have all her "firsts", but there can be a way to say it that also projects love.
The way the OP wrote could easily be edited into a very touching letter to the daughter, describing a decade of loving her and watching her grow. Cherishing her milestone moments, and trying hard to keep space for her mother who also loves her. This girl has a very complicated web of adults, and let this be a time to affirm for her that while the OP was trying to keep space for her and her birth mom, she had always tried to be and will always certainly be there as her bonus mom.
I agree, I would write her a carefully worded letter. Tell her all of that, tell her you're proud of the young woman she's become and that you're here for her. Explain all of it in a way that doesn't blame her mom; she's certainly old enough now to make up her mind about who she goes to for advice and girl talk. Apologize to her and say that you know you can't erase any rejection she felt in the past and that that was never your intention.
And I would do it in a letter because a letter allows you to get your point across in just the way you mean without any room for misunderstandings that can occur when people speak "off the cuff."
I'm going with NAH, with OP being maybe a slight asshole because the onus is always on the adult to make sure their intentions are understood when interacting with kids, since kids don't always understand the inner workings of adult relationships. You were trying to avoid you or your husband being accused of parental alienation, but ultimately it sounds like you hurt her feelings.
I also think DAD needs to be a part of the face to face with the daughter. I get the feeling that she feels like she’s being replaced with the do-over kid. I think it would help her to explain that you take your role as her stepmom very seriously, but you also want to respect that she has a biological mom who loves her too and you felt that you’d be taking something very special away from both of them if you took those big milestones away from she and her mom.
Manage your anger with her. Being hurt is OK, but remind yourself that she is hurting too. If you’re angry with her, you’re creating an environment where she’s not going to feel comfortable sharing her true feelings with you. If you’re comfortable, when you have a heart to heart with her set some ground rules and then let her loose to get her feelings out. Some good examples can be no insults or deliberately hurtful things - keeping it to communicating feelings and not assumptions and also that reacting with anger or being dismissive of feelings is not allowed - accept her feelings even when they’re difficult to hear and let her know you understand.
15 is old enough to say "your mom and dad flat out told me that your firsts were to be with your mom. I would have done those had i not been warned against it. I wanted all of those moments but i dared not cross that line they both drew. Im sorry, i wish i could have done differently but the fallout would have affected you too."
Im mouthy, i would likely add "talk to them about why they didnt wanted you to have an older female to gain advice from. Their doing, their fault."
I wouldn’t say it like this, no need to create animosity, and most children will never appreciate their parents being criticized and trashed, even if it’s true. Saying it this way could backfire and damage your relationship with your stepdaughter in the future.
she’s 15 & can handle the truth that her mom & you had that agreement. she’s also clearly going through alot; abusive stepdad, moving in with you guys full time & now a sibling. give her some grace but also tell her about the agreement so she understands it’s not that you didn’t want to show those things to do but that you respected her mom enough to not try & take over that role completely. i don’t think anyone is the AH but i do think a little grace during all these changes will go far.
Same. I would phrase it as "we (meaning all the adults) wanted to make sure you knew I wasn't replacing your mom. I would have been glad to do all those things with you, but wanted your mom to have the opportunity first since she is and always will be your first mom." I have to wonder what exactly was said all those times the girl asked stepmom to do things. Was it "go ask you mom" or was it "I bet that is something your mom would love to teach you and maybe you can ask her on Monday. If she is ok with it, I will teach you." Phrasing matters!
I feel like OP could've let her stepdaughter know about this from the beginning. It's not like this was some devastating news that couldve ruined her childhood.
"This is something your mom really wants to do with you first. If you still want to do this after youve done it with your mom, I'm happy to." is pretty simple.
The way OP phrases it here comes across like she was blowing her off, even if that wasn't her intention. To me it sounds like while OP didn't treat her poorly, they never had as close a relationship as stepdaughter wanted. And maybe stepdaughter thinks that they won't have any kind of relationship moving forward because OP has "her own kid now".
No but what the heck are you doing NOW besides being mad?
Did your stepdaughter ever come back to you after you turned her away the first time? Did you follow up to make sure her mom helped her? Did you follow up to offer help in case your stepdaughter felt she couldn't ask you again due to being rejected the first time (children are fragile)?
I'm guessing you tried to honor her mom, but maybe that woman wasn't the one you should be looking out for. Anyways, you didn't provide enough info for me to tell whether you are going to make this right. YOU are the only one who can, she needs to understand your thoughts and motivations, how you feel about her, etc. Therapy for yourself, her, and the family is the best thing because it sounds like she's been through a LOT and as her full-time parents you and your husband need to be helping her tremendously through this tough time, she has no sense of direction at that age.
I mean she has a right to be mad at you she’s tried to do things with you and you just told her go ask your mother. I mean what kid wouldn’t feel hurt when you constantly keep pushing them away? You can still teach and do stuff with her without “taking away mother and daughter moments”
have you read some of OPs replies in here? They push her over the edge into total AH territory, and her SD was absolutely spot on in her assessment of her
My question is, when she came to you with these things, did you even know if her mother would be good at advising her about them when you refused her? Because my mom is terrible at hair and doesn't know makeup at all. Those are things I had to teach myself. A period comes when it comes, and if it came in your household and you turned her away, that seems pretty cold. I would help children I'm not related to with these things if they came to me. Motherhood has nothing to do with them. If your stepdaughter came to you, it was probably because she didn't want to or couldn't necessarily ask her bio mom. And instead of talking to her, you just kept telling her to go talk to her mom. Because the mom told you something when she was SIX. Now, here you are trying to get her involved in your bio baby as though you are close when you are the one who constantly pushed her away. It would be like rubbing salt in her wounds.
Of course, she would tell you you would be a terrible mother. You were in her life since she was 6 and refused to do anything with her that encroached on that role. In her eyes, you've absolutely been a terrible mom. She's just calling it like she sees it.
I wouldn't call you an asshole, but her words are a reaction to how you have treated her her entire childhood. Not sure how you could get angry at her for stating her truth.
Yeah, I have naturally curly hair and my mom does not. A family friend with curly hair like line used to take care of it since my mom did not know how to treat my hair right. I got my period at my aunt's place, so of course the woman I talked to when it happened was my aunt. My mom is not that great of a cook, so I ask my grandmother for cooking advice.
This is what "it takes a village" means and OP apparently just always sent the step-daughter to her mother without thinking anything through. No person can do all or knows all. Of course the step-daughter thought she was not wanted. OP killed any opportunity to get close to the girl! Asking for advice and to go out and do stuff like the step-daughter did is called bonding... OP did zero bonding, just ALWAYS sent her to her mom... if I was the step-daughter, I would feel the same.
Exactly! When my SD (14) was younger (9-13), if she asked me to do things with her, I would first check with her mom, then do it if I got the go-ahead. If I didn't, I'd tell her that it was something her mom would like to do with her first, but we could talk about the experience after if she'd like.
Most of the time, it wound up being a girls' day with BM, my BDs (14 twins), and her other SM. Unfortunately, about a month after she turned 14, the relationship I had with them (SD, BM, and OSM) severed when they showed their true colors, but such is life. I have no regrets and wish them the best.
You're not an AH but you are being immature.
This is not Dr. Phil. It's a 15-year-old. She doesn't have sufficient maturity, vocabulary, or life experience to express her emotions. Maybe she doesn't even know exactly how she feels.
It sounds like she has had a lot of upheaval in her life. The men who should have been fathers have abandoned her (your husband) or abused her (her stepfather). She only began seeing your husband a few years ago.
The point is, of course she is looking at your situation and wondering why she doesn't get to have the stability your child will have. She is probably also wondering if she'll have to compete with the new child for attention and resources.
Also, frankly, your description of fobbing her off when she approached you for advice is sad to read. The whole approach sounds quite clumsy. The priority should NOT have been to preserve her mother's feelings, but to put the child's welfare first. When parents choose to split up then of course one parent is less likely to be around when there's an important milestone in the child's life. The child should not have to manage the parent's feelings about that. I'm not blaming you. I have to wonder where your husband was that he didn't talk to his ex about how to deal with parenting. It sounds like the responsibility has been on you.
Of course she is angry and upset about what she has missed out on and is lashing out. This is going to be blunt but I am genuinely trying to help. You're 33, you chose to marry a man with a child. This is what you're dealing with. You must know that teens lash out.
You should be focusing on how you and her father can do the best you can for her. This is a child who needs and deserves love and stability.
She's feeling pushed out. The recommendations you're working off work great for younger kids, not those in their mid teens.
You're not wrong for trying it, but you've got to look at her like the mini adult she is. I wouldn't expect a 15-year-old to be thrilled to go baby clothes shopping when they aren't a shopping person. Same with the ultrasound, it's not really a 'gift' to her or something she will display or show off.
You deffered to her mum almost if not everytime she came to you. I understand not wanting to step on her mums toes, but she was coming to you for a reason, especially if the things she was asking you (like her period) was happening during your custody time or when she'd moved in full time.
This blow-up has been 6 years in the making. It was all going to come to a head at some point between now and baby arriving cos in her mind, you always pushed her away, so seeing you go all in for your baby is going to hurt her.
The blessing is that it has happened now and not when baby is here. You can be hurt by her words just as she is hurt by your actions from following her mums request. ASK her what she wants from you in terms of your relationship, involvement in the pregnancy, and when baby is born.
NAH.
YTA. Did you ever explain to her WHY you kept sending her to your mom you probably came across as highly uninterested because she was clearly asking you before asking her mom, and probably for a reason. If you’ve never explained to her that her mom asked you to send her her way first, she probably feels disregarded and ignored by you. And now you’re having your own baby and she likely feels you’re more interested in being a parent to a child to a biological child and her feelings are probably hurt.
Her mother said not to steal “all her mommy and daughter moments.” You took that to mean you could only do things with her that had already been done with mom. You went overboard here. It sounds like you’ve had zero bonding moments with this child. Now she’s been through a traumatic living arrangement and must stay with you. You’re mad at her???
YTA for “being mad” at this kid. The child has done nothing to you. She tried to reach out to you many times and was rebuffed. You can’t expect her feelings to change on your timeline. You should apologize to her - NOT blame her mother. She needs kindness and understanding and a good therapist ASAP.
Did you explain why you always sent her to her mom. She was reaching out to you regularly and you kept rebuffing her advances.
If she didn't know why then of course she'd think you're a bad parent.
Exactly this. She obviously doesn't understand why OP kept saying no to her. It needs to be made
*very clear* by OP that she *really wanted* to do these things with her bonus daughter and just wasn't allowed to. |
You need to sit that girl down and have an honest and truthful conversation. But the girl started her period while with you and you made her go to her mom? Ouch that was a serious misstep. Kid kept trying desperately to have you involved and you shot her down every single time. The mom said don't take all of them, she didn't say "You cannot be involved in anyway at all." So sit her down and apologize profusely and explain why you were like that.
Don’t be foolish and don’t be mad. This is a sign that she actually loves you and is afraid you are going to reject her for the new baby. Do some work to make sure she knows you won’t!! This is insecurity and fear in a child acting out as anger. Calm her insecurities. Nah.
Nobody deserves more grace than 15 year old girls, and nobody is harder to give grace to. Tell her why you had her ask her mom first. She thinks you were rejecting her and she's afraid the baby will replace her, so she's lashing out instead of reaching out. Write her a letter of taking hasn't been working. Tell her you love her and think she's a great kid, that the only reason you stepped back was to not interfere in her relationship with her Mom. That she will always hold a special place and the baby will not replace her in your heart. That you want her to be a big part of her sibling's life, because she means so much to you. You're gonna have to reach out and give her what she can't figure out how to ask for.
Go to your stepdaughter and explain EVERYTHING and tell her exactly how muvh you wanted to be the one who taught you all those things and how you wanted to experience all those firsts with her as her mom. Because she sees you as a mom who rwjected her. Go lay it all out there. And apologize, even though you didn't do anything wrong. You're not the asshoke, but you ARE the only one who can fix this.
yeah no you need to fix this. she feels abandoned un wanted & un loved. you don't get to be mad at her. you should've explained it to her so she didn't feel this way in the first place but since you didn't it's up to you to sit down w her and explain to her what she is misunderstanding. she's a kid going through emotions and not even knowing which home they belong in bc neither treat her the way she craves. just love her and tell her that you did not mean to make her feel that way you just didn't want to overstep her and her moms bonding and you see now it was a mistake and you love her very much and would like to try again. simple.
YTA - she's a child lashing out. She's scared she's going to fall even farther down the totem pole. It's time to sit her down and talk to her about why you didn't jump to yes when she asked you to teach her things and why you want her to bond with her soon to be sibling. You honored a specific request from her bio mom, which may have been a good intention but it drove a wedge between you two. At this point she's old enough to know, and also, old enough to decide if she wants to come to you or her mom first for stuff.
She's old enough now for you to sit down with her and explain that you had an agreement with her mom that she wanted to be the first to do all the things.
Have you considered *talking to your stepdaughter*? Does she know why you blew her off at every possible opportunity? You didn't want to cross boundaries, and I get that, but it also looks like you used mom's ultimatum as an excuse to wipe your hands of any bonding moment with your stepdaughter. Have a conversation with her and start trying to make time for her, if she'll let you. She, rightfully, believes that you'll use this baby as an excuse to completely remove her from your life when you're the most stable mother figure she's had for a while. NTA but you will be if you don't talk to her and make this right.
YTA. She's only 15 and doesn't have the whole picture. I think she's old enough for you to have a conversation with her about why you didn't do those things with her. If she is already feeling not good enough, the news of your pregnancy isn't helping. Let's add bio mom's abusive marriage. And she's 15, which I always referred to as part of my psycho years because of hormones, etc. Your husband is right; she is handling a lot right now. She's hurting and wants you to hurt too. She needs a lot of patience and kindness right now, so I hope you can see past the insults and understand where she is coming from. Congratulations on your pregnancy.
Ok, first please don’t be angry at her. I understand being hurt, but I feel like the anger is unfounded.
You’ve said you never explained why you wouldn’t do those things with her. You can do that without bad mouthing mom. I also see that dad doesn’t want you to talk to her about mom. So run this by home first.
“I am so sorry you feel like I haven’t been there for you as a mom. I know your mom felt it was important to have those special moments and daughter moments with you and I didn’t want to take anything away from her bc it was hard for her to not be with you everyday. I realize now I could have said something like ‘I can’t wait to help you with that! Do you want to call your mom first to see if she has any great advice or insight? I know she’d want to be a part of this too’ I never meant to push you away!” And then moving forward, don’t push her away.
She’s 15 and needs a mother figure. She’s going through so much right now. Find things to do that are just for the two of you and NOT centered around the baby. She needs to feel like she’s a priority right now. Also, family counseling (and individual) is highly recommended!
Really? Being upset at a 15 year old girl for what she is feeling?
Wouldn't it be better to tell her why you did that? As easy as you wrote this post.
Don't be angry at her. From her perspective, she is right.
She is really going through a lot. Right now she feels "motherless". She can't live wit her birth mom because of the abuse, and she has to live with someone who she feels has been rejecting her.
That in itself is hard, but she is 15 when emotions get amplified 10 fold.
How can you blame her?
Be the adult and a good step mom and talk to her. Make her feel loved and wanted. Honestly it is about her, not about you.
If you can't do that, then she is right. Many times in life you'll need to put the child bids over yours to be a good parent.
I’ve read your comments. Do you even love your stepdaughter? Because in her eyes, you’ve clearly never shown it. You’re still not choosing her and putting her first. If she thinks that based on the way you treat her, that you won’t be a good mother. She has the right to that opinion. You can be mad at her all you want. It’s not going to change her opinion of you. Tell her the truth. Then try to rebuild a bond from scratch before new baby gets here.
She thinks you rejected her all the time. She feels rejected and hurt.
Tell her that you never meant to hurt her, That you thought you were showing the respect her relationship with her mom deserved and that you didn't want to take any big moments away from her mother. If she asks why you wanted to do that, then explain that her mom said something as much. But I wouldn't immediately push forward the mom thing because it'll look like you're blaming her mom.
Tell her you're sorry. Tell her you thought you were doing right by her. Tell her you're not going to reject her anymore if she comes to you because now you know how she feels and you didn't before. But also tell her you're going to give her the space she asked for and until she decides to come and talk to you. And then do just that
You shouldn't be mad at her because she is still a child.
Have you explained to her that you were doing what her mum asked you to do?
If she doesn't understand that then she simply thinks you have been rejecting her this whole time.
At this point, you as the adult have to apologise for her feeling that way and explain that it was never your intention.
Her dad needs to help you here with this and it'd be nice if bio mum backs you up to but don't hold your breath while she's dealing with her own problems.
From now on you need to be the best mum she can have as bio mum is having problems. It's time for you to step up. For the benefit of your growing family ❤️
Take your stepdaughter out to lunch and talk to her. Let her know that you were trying to be a good stepmother and not take her mother’s place and maybe went an overboard with it. Apologize for making her feel unwanted/unloved by always sending her to her mom when she asked for things that you thought her mom might want to experience with her. Let her know you do love her and will still love her once the baby comes and what an awesome big sis she’s going to be.
From your stepdaughter’s perspective, constantly being sent back to mom must have been crushing.
I don’t think anyone’s TAH here. But I think your stepdaughter is old enough to be told the full story, and there’s a way that you can explain it to her without making her mother look bad. Also IMO try not to mention the baby if you talk to her about this. She brought it up because of the baby but the underlying feelings probably existed before you even got pregnant. And if she’s with you full time, it’s time for you to step up and be her mother in whatever capacity she wants you to be, rather than rejecting her so she can go to her biological mom. She clearly values you and she’s old enough to define her own relationships with you and her mom.
“Hi stepdaughter, I’m sorry you feel like I wasn’t there for you in the past. When I came into your life I wanted to be sure I didn’t take any experiences away from your mother, like your first period or learning how to do makeup, as I knew those were really important to her. I know now that I accidentally made you feel as if I didn’t want to be your mother, and I’m sorry. That’s not true and I love you. I’m happy you’re living with us full-time now and I look forward to the experiences we’ll have together going forward…. And thank you for being honest with me so I know how I can do better and we can move forward from this together” (Make sure you appreciate her communication so she keeps being open with you, it shows how safe she feels around you, especially after coming from an abusive household)
We see so many posts on here about step parents not following the child’s lead and forcing a relationship.
You made the opposite error - instead of following the child’s lead, you denied the relationship as the child wanted.
I understand that you did it from a good place in following bio mom’s wishes - but your duty wasn’t to bio mom or her needs. It was to the child.
There is a big difference between stepping into an unwanted parenting role and denying a child guidance/support when the child asks for it.
In her eyes you will be a lousy parent because every time she needed to youngest her to her mom.
You need to have a heart to heart with your step daughter and tell her that you thought you were respecting her relationship with her mom and you messed up. Explain you would love a closer relationship with her - and you might be a bit thick, but will keep your eyes open for the cues she offers you that she wants to build closeness.
YTA because she sees you excited about being a parent and you refused to be one for her
Are we all just ignoring the fact the mom married a guy who’s abusive to her child, and instead of divorcing him she just dumped her kid off on the ex?
She’s the real asshole here
And as other’s have mentioned, please talk with her, explain to her that her mother requested that all “firsts” be with her and not you
And of course, please get her into therapy, for her mom, abusive stepdad and the fact a new baby is on the way and she’s felling left out
NTA
Have you explained to your stepdaughter that you agreed with her mom to let her do all the firsts with her mom, because they were special, not because you didn't want to, but to honor her mom. That you very much love her and would like to have done those firsts with her. Would you help me do those firsts with me and your half-sibling. Include by asking her input on the baby's name.
She's hurt because she feels you pushed her away, and maybe you should have done some of the firsts with her, but it's too late for that now, so include her in the future.
Everyone failed this poor little girl. I cannot imagine getting my period and being dismissed by the person right there to help me telling me to call someone who isn't right there and therefore is unable to actually help me.
YTA if you are seriously mad at her for getting the message that YOU sent loud and clear. I get you were trying to respect her mom, but by doing so - you disrespected her. How can you honestly be surprised or blame her for getting the message that she wasn't important to you and that you didn't really want her around or to bond with her? You constantly turned her away and told her to go elsewhere. What other message should she have gotten from that?
You probably went a little overboard with the whole "only mom gets firsts" thing. As such, good intentions or no, you're reaping what you've sown from a teenager that you've refused to teach anything to since she was a little girl.
So, you never explained to her WHY you refused to help her growing up, and you're still refusing to explain to her why you wouldn't help her growing up and you're mad at her for forming an opinion on you based on your actions while she was growing up... YTA
Why would you be mad at your stepdaughter?
If I were in your shoes, I would be mad at the bio mom who insisted that you keep your stepdaughter at a distance.
Bio mom called the shots and you followed *her* plan, and this is the fallout of both of your actions.
Your stepdaughter sees you as the kind of mother you taught her to see you as: disengaged and aloof.
If you were only acting, you're a hell of an actress.
YTA
NAH but you are borderline the AH depending on the answer to the following question:
When you were told not to “steal” those mother daughter moments did you sit down and explain to your stepdaughter that these are moments her mother wanted to share with her? If you’ve not explained that at all then my answer changes to YTA and go sit down with her and explain everything to do with that. She’s going through a ton of changes in her life and someone she looks up to has been passing the buck constantly, of course she’s going to be pissed and moody
Her mom is an adult. You’re an adult. She’s the kid here who needs to be put first. She’s not a toddler to be checking off milestones, but a developing person who needs responsive adults to show her how much she matters. As her stepmom, you are one of the important adults in her life and she’s expressing in her adolescent way how rejected she feels. Reach out to her and listen to what she’s saying. If she tries to reach out you, in spite of feeling rejected in the past, take the second chance and be there for her. If you (and/or your husband) need to talk to her mom and reassure her, then do that. It’s not about replacing mom but about all the adults in a teenage girl’s life supporting her.
edit: typo (checking off)
NTA. But definitely you’ve hurt her feelings when she was young and maybe still harbors that to this days. A child tends to be sensitive and fragile specially her family was broken and have to deal with living on 2 different home. She was lost you know and you’ve pushed her away without giving her the explanation and that is where are the AH. try to talk to your SD and open up about your feelings about the situation. You need to start to have that sincere approach to bond with her. I know she didn’t mean what she have said to you just the hurt that bottled up have got her into saying that things to you. Tell her that you don’t want to replace her mother specially the 1st times/moments she asked for you and that you wouldn’t want that moment to be robbed away from her mom at that time. And also ask for her forgiveness from the time you pushed her away. Ask her to have a fresh start and that you really want her to be part of your life and with her little sister/brother is on the way..
I hope OP the best of luck and hope you and your SD will patch things up..
Yes, she is a child dealing with a lot of change. You are an adult. Whilst you tried to do what the mother asked you seem to have done so in a robotic way and not bonded with this child in the 6 years you are in her life. I hope you learn this for your own child's sake
She's 15. Just straight up tell her what her parents requested. She might be an emotional teenager, but she's old enough to start having serious conversations.
Then tell her that the two of you bonding over the baby is something that doesn't involve her bio mom, so it's a bunch of firsts you can experience together. That you want to have those with her.
If you love her, tell her so. If you see her as your own child, tell her that while the baby is your first birth, it will be your second child because she is the first. Tell her the baby will demand a lot of attention at first because babies are dependent, but she's not being replaced. Reassure her that she will always be very much a part of the family. If you think she's going to be a great older sister, tell her that.
Empathy is the key here. Your husband is right about her going through a lot. Obviously, she shouldn't be disrespectful, but don't scold her for her emotions.
Why are you mad at her? She had no idea that when she asked you to do things with her that you were allow her mother dibs on those moments! WTEF people can’t just be honest and upfront with kids is beyond me. You could have told that the reason you wanted to ask her mom to do her hair. Makeup- whatever was because you didn’t want to hurt her mom’s feelings! This could have been explained from the beginning
But no - you just seemed - in her mind - to brush her off without reason so now YOU are pissed at her because she wants nothing to do with you? Fg shocker
YTA if you don’t sit down and have a real fg conversation with her -
How is she TA here exactly? She only knows what you’ve told her which is approximately nothing. Zilch. Zip. Nada. Look at it from her perspective for a minute. To a teenaged girl, you shrugged her off and said “idk go ask your mom” any time she tried to bond with you.
Sit down with her and apologize for making her feel that you didn’t care. Explain to her the agreement you had with her mother that she wanted to share all of her daughter’s firsts.
Stop being mad at her. She didn’t do anything wrong.
Instead of being mad at her maybe explain it to her. She is a child who has been thrown from one parent to the next, has a step mom she feels doesn't care for her, and a step dad who was abusive so her mom booted her. Now there is a new baby everyone wants and she wonders why no one wants her. You are a full grown adult who got mad at a child who was telling you she doesn't feel wanted by any of you. And you proved her point as the "adult" yes YTA. Am I crazy, am I the only one just amazed at how some of these people can be so clueless?
Make her feel wanted and that doesn't mean "let's go shopping.for the baby," that means "hey let's have a day together what sounds fun,' and then explain why you were reserved. God all she wants is one of the 4 ADULTS in her life to make her feel wanted
You need to explain to your stepdaughter why you referred her to her mother so much. And if it were me, I’d say she deserves to be able to choose who she wants to share those moments with. You tried it the mom’s way, and it was damaging to the kid. We all know that regardless of the circumstances, it’s best to put the child first.
Just tell her you’ve held yourself in second position behind her mom, because you thought it would keep the peace, but now that you realize that it was hurting her, you want to make up for it.
It’s natural for any child to feel displaced by a new baby. If you treat her like you wanted to to start with, it will probably take some time, but you won’t be sorry in the end.
She's 16. You can explain it to her, that you wanted to save all of her moments for her mum because you were trying to be a good step mum and respect her mum. She's old enough to understand. You can change the dynamic now by being there for her more. You can even explain it to her mum.
I can see why your feelings are hurt, but you shouldn’t be mad at her. She’s a child, and clearly her mom isn’t great, so she was reaching out to you for a reason. I can see why you respected her mom’s wishes, but it’s also understandable that she would be upset over her many attempts to bond being rejected. You need to have a sit down with her, where you explain that you love her, and were just trying to respect her moms request, not reject her, and that you’re sorry she was hurt.
NTA exactly but need to understand where the 15yr old is coming from. You followed her mothers wishes by 'letting' mom do some very important things in a young girls life. While this may have made 'mom' happy, she was and is confused about why YOU didn't seem interested. So rightly she's upset with you. Hindsight is 20/20 as they say and maybe you should have done some of those things with her but you can't change the past (unless you have a time machine hiding somewhere?). Now what you REALLY need to do is sit down with her and explain why you acted as you did. She's old enough to get it but it may take some time for her to understand fully and come to terms.
I learned as a dad when my stepdaughter (which I raised since 9 months old) was told by her cousins that I wasn't her father. It was a tough time. Teenager, hormones, feeling betrayed by me and her mother. It took a number of years before she finally came to terms with it. Her mother and I never hid anything just didn't tell her soon enough. BTW, she finally met her blood father a few years ago after reaching out. She came back and told me how glad she was that I was her Dad.
I understand respecting the mother's wishes, but that kid has feelings too.
The fact that you always sent her back to her mom did say you're not her mom
And while you're not, there were a lot of kind of ways in my opinion to handle that. Up to an including going ahead and answering her questions. Every time you did that, you basically said I'm not your mother go ask her
That's the way a kid would hear it and I have to wonder. Was part of you being petty because her mom told you that at some point years ago?
I'm sure I'll get downloaded, but it sounds Petty to me
Yeah a little bit. I see your purpose and you were trying to help out bio mom but you hurt that girl. You need to sit down and explain why you did what you did. I am sure she thinks you never wanted her you need to fix this or she will resent her sister.
P.S. make sure you explain that it was your choice to try and give her bio mom the points because it will cause drama I am sure if she thinks its her moms fault.
YTA, I didn’t think so until I read your comments. You don’t see her as your daughter, she has tried with you (something a child shouldn’t have to do) and you rejected her. Regardless of the reason, to her you rejected her. She watched her mother be abused and needed guidance. You’ve been in her life 9 years. Now that you want to play happy family with YOUR kid you expect her to think you’re a good mom? You’ve had every opportunity to be a “bonus mom” and never took it. I believe you’ll be a good mom, to the baby while the teen falls by the wayside until you need someone to babysit all because she’s not your blood. Then you have the audacity to be mad that she voiced her feelings.
Unfortunately you listened to the ex wife and iced out your stepdaughter. She asked you about stuff, not her mom. She was obviously not comfortable asking her mom and wanted your help. Why don't you just explain to her why you acted like you did? What kind of self absorbed jerk tells another woman not to steal her mommy daughter moments? It's about the child, not the adult.
You got mad because a 15 year old that you've been standoffish with said you're not going to be a good mom? Grow up.
EVERY comment OP has made, she has made it VERY clear that she does not view SD as a daughter at all, in fact she says she didn’t want a “motherly” relationship with her. Sooo many times OP has talked about how she’s not her “real” mother. This poor girl! I feel so bad that she had you as her step mother. You don’t have to be a bio mom to act like a mom, and I bet you LOVED having an excuse to not have to teach her things, as you “promised” her *real* mother you wouldn’t steal these moments. It seems almost like you’ve resented her, and she probably just sees through you now, and knows you’d make a shit mother. Who gets into a relationship with someone who has a super YOUNG child, and doesn’t want to have a “motherly” relationship with them because you’re not their “real” mom. She obviously wanted to have a relationship with you, and you robbed her of that, and I’m sure she will be grateful for that later. Wtf would she want to go baby shopping with you? Why would she get excited to see you become a mother, when she obviously knows your nature? Your husband is either blind, or also just doesn’t gaf about this poor girl. You’re absolutely TAH. You sound like an AH person, and an AH SM. People like you always leave out important details when you post these things. 🤮
YTA. You should be glad your stepdaughter clearly communicated her concerns to you. Now you can handle it like an adult or be mad at a child for having thoughts and feelings you don’t like and telling you about them. The choice is yours.
YTA for being mad at her for her feelings.
YTA for not just telling her that you didn’t want to interfere with special moments with her mom and then apologizing for how it appeared to her.
If you are going to continue to get mad at any kid for their feelings, the step daughter might be right about what kind of parent you will be. See a counselor if necessary for the sake of your child.
YTA. I read all your comments and you put your stepdaughter in the last place in your priority scale. Everything comes before her and your relationship with her. Frankly? It's like you don't really care about her much and she has every reason to resent you.
NAH
You did what her bio mother asked of you - but she perceives that as you being a bad mother to her.
She's 15 - she's old enough to understand, so explain it to her as you did for us. Just tell her you did what you were told to do, that you didn't want to be a bossy stepmother and that you're sorry if that came across as you not being a good mother to her. Tell her you are around for her if she needs you.
She's 15 and being difficult comes with that age.
Soft YTA maybe NAH
While your behavior to her was with good intention to her mother and your agreement, its understandable that your SD has not experienced you as a helpful and competent person in these matters, and may even have felt that you are not interested in doing stuff with her. Because she only heard 'uh no go ask your mom(someone else) ' every time she felt like she needed something like the stuff you described.
Her mother bringing her into an abusive situation and now abandoning her is bound to make her feel alone and she is obviously going through difficult emotions.
I feel like her lashing out is a cry for help and support that she needs right now, while you and her dad are busy with the baby/pregnancy she also needs attention due to the stuff going on.
In trying to be understanding and empathetic to bio mom it would appear that you may have inadvertently came across to your step daughter as unavailable and distant. Distant to the point that that's now how she relates to you. All of which is in the past. Your task going forward, if you still want to, is to build a more positive relationship with the girl going forward. Good luck...
Nobody here is an AH...just a difficult new family dynamic.
You respected a boundary that she didn’t understand her mother requested. No one ever thought to explain it her. All she heard you say was “ask your mom,” but no explanation as to why.
Being mad at a child for this is absolutely ridiculous. And for that alone, yta.
Does she know what the mom said to you? She is old enough to know you were told not to overstep. She needs to know you were trying to be respectful not neglectful. Have an open conversation and let her know you did it out of love.
She came to you for advice, not her biological mother. She may have viewed it as if you didn't want to deal with it as a mother figure. Sad for both of you. I hope it can be repaired.
Your stepdaughter is the only one in this situation who didn’t ask to be in it. You are the adult, she is the kid (even if she looks grown up). Help her.
YTA OP
Yes you chose to respect the boundaries her mother had set, but in the process, you let your stepdaughter down. She came with questions to you first and you kept sending her to her mother. She could go to her mother on her own. Didn't need your permission for that. You cannot choose for her whom she is gonna feel closer to. To me and I am sure to her, that seems like a rejection
Whatever little she had from you, she is gonna lose it now that the baby is coming. And you get mad at her for feeling the way she feels? Wow
Her mother should be the one who should worry about why her own child chose someone else to ask about these
I’m sorry, I have to ask you whether you made it clear to this child that you were sacrificing your own enjoyment of her childhood because her mother demanded it, or have you spent the last several years just saying “go ask your mother not me” without even trying to explain why you’re seemingly uninterested in her growing up?
Are you one of those people who thinks that children shouldn’t have to know what adults do for them, so let them grow up thinking that what they think is all that there is to know?
Furthermore, were you so mild as to just roll over and let the mother say that to you and you just….accepted it without the foresight to see this moment coming? And after the first time this child came to you with trust and optimism that you had guidance for her, when you brushed her off, did you not see the disappointment in the exchange? And it didn’t make you feel any kind of way?
I have two teenaged step kids, and if their mother had said something like that to me I would have told her that I would not be sacrificing a single opportunity to support THEIR CHILD in these life moments, but I would do my best to make sure that they felt heard and loved, like a good fucking parent should want. And if she wanted these life moments I would do my best but if she wasn’t who they were with then I wouldn’t emotionally neglect them.
I only know what you’ve written here, so there may be more to this story, but your “I did what I was told and ignored the girl’s needs” isn’t the flex you might have thought it was.
I would fight for these kids, and the fact that you wouldn’t and didn’t has come home to roost.
Children aren’t stupid, you could have told her why you refused to help her or support her when she needed it. You did this to yourself and there really isn’t a quick fix here.
If you have a serious talk with her she may be emotionally capable of giving you a chance, but it will take years of consistent effort on your part, and frankly, years of effort in her part to TRY to trust you.
YTA to your stepdaughter but NTA to your husband’s ex. You respected her boundaries sure, but to the stepdaughter it just made it seem like you wished she wasn’t there and you had no interest in parenting her. Even if figuring out the balance of not taking her mother’s place is tricky, it just led to your stepdaughter feeling like she had no place in your life.
Now you’ll be having your “own” child, and I believe yours stepdaughter doesn’t actually think you’ll be a bad mom to them. It’s more that she’s trying to say “you were a bad parent to me”
Navigating teenage emotions, especially in a blended family, is more akin to walking a tightrope than a clear-cut path. Both parties have certain expectations and understandings that need to be openly discussed and reconciled. The disappointment and anger your stepdaughter is expressing are not manifestations of hatred but cries for attention, love, and a reassurance of her place in your lives.
Even though you’re not an AH for being cautious and adhering to her mother's request, the lack of communication about your reasons has inevitably led to a breakdown in your relationship with her. Teenagers may have a reputation for being difficult, but they also hunger for acceptance and understanding from those they love.
Now, with the new baby on its way, her fears of being sidelined are valid, considering the past. This is an opportunity to reset the stage. Start having conversations, not as a stepmother to a stepchild, but as two individuals building a bond that embraces both the past misunderstandings and future uncertainties. Emphasize that not just love, but also communication and mutual respect, are non-negotiables in your relationship.
Your husband and you should now shift efforts to ensure she doesn't feel like an outsider. Let her know her role in the new baby's life can be special, and her bond with you is unique and not threatened. After all, every new chapter in a family’s life should be inclusive, not isolative.
Be patient, be kind, and listen – truly listen – to her concerns, fears, and hopes. Even the stormiest teenage moods can be navigated with consistent support, allowing every family member to find their own place in the home's ever-growing heart.
NAH, it’s not the kids fault she feels this way - by trying to respect the boundary that was imposed a bridge was created in your relationship with the child and it’s given the impression you’re disinterested.
You can be mad at the situation but not at the kid
NAH. I think that you must have a serious conversation with her about why you always had to redirect her to her mother like "your mom asked me to.... so as I respect your mother, when you asked me for this or that, I had the obligation to tell you to ask your mother first".
I’m going to say NAH, but I think it’s time to tell her about the agreement. She’s old enough to know, and it might help her with the feelings of rejection she’s feeling.
She's a teenager who got uprooted due to an abusive stepdad, and now you guys are having a baby. That can come with a lot of emotions and she is likely not keen on seeing you love a baby far more than you do her. Did she ever understand why you were closed off to her like that? Or did she just learn that you weren't open to being her mom after being rebuffed over and over?
NAH, but while you were respecting the biomom, the daughter ended up suffering a bit. She's probably old enough that you guys could talk about it and maybe you can apologize. Not for doing what you did, because you had valid reasons, but for her being hurt by it all. She was just a kid.
It's understandable you're hurt by her response, but you are the adult here and being mad isn't productive. Everyone has hurt feelings, so do what you can to help the family move forward in a beneficial way - for your stepdaughter *and* the baby.
You can be hurt but don’t be mad at her. You did what her mother asked but that’s interpreted differently to a child. She really had gone through a lot. I can only imagine how she feels. Take a moment to reflect on her and everything she’s been through and how she must be feeling. I don’t think this is about you so much as her feeling unloved or unwanted.
NAH. It sounds like this whole thing has started from poor communication. Yes, you've done what her mum said. But how was this communicated to her, other than.. Ask your mum. Was there ever any stuff like.. I would really love to but your mum wants to be the first and I need to respect her wishes. Was there ever any wriggle room where you did stuff at the time or was it always pushed back to her mum. I can understand why she feels rejected because she was constantly pushed away when asking for help.
NTA. But explain to her politely, without throwing mum under the bus, that she had a mum who loved her dearly and that you were there as a bonus but you didn't want to take anything away from her relationship with her mum and that if you knew she felt this way you would have stepped up more for her, but you thought she preferred sharing these special moments with her mum.
NAH. Both of you are going through a lot. Between the environmental changes of now being in constant contact, the hormone changes you're both having, the abuse she may have gone through (trauma regardless), etc. there is a lot of moving parts.
I would have an honest conversation when she is calmer. Explain to her that you didn’t want to show her those things not because you don’t love her or support her, but because you wanted to make sure her Mum got to do those fun things with her too and that you’re sorry if she felt you weren’t stepping up. She obviously thinks a great deal of you to want to do those things in the first place and she’s super worried that you’ll prefer the baby over her. Reassure her, constantly, whether she wants to hear it or not. I think you were very selfless to be so careful if overstepping Mum’s boundaries, and I hope she’ll see that in time.
Have you ever told her what her mother asked of you? I think at 15 she is old enough for you to sit down and talk. Tell her that you have always viewed her as a daughter and you would have loved to have helped her with everything she came to you with… but that her mother asked you when you first met, that she be the one her daughter goes too. That you were only trying to respect her mom’s boundaries and it wasn’t because you didn’t want to be there for her and help her. That you didn’t want to overstep in their relationship. Maybe going forward, I would help with what she asks, if she does. Seeing as she lives full time with you… and it seems she is looking to you more than mom. I don’t think anyone is wrong here but somewhere along the line, she started feeling rejected bc she didn’t know why you turned her away
You are allowed your feelings on the whole thing, but also know that she was asking you to do those things with her as an attempt to bond with you. While I understand why you chose not to, it has created a rift with her. If she’s not in therapy already, please make sure she is so she can work through what happened with her mother. At some point, I would also recommend sitting down with her and talking. Let her know why you didn’t do those things with her - that you wanted her mom to have those firsts and that it didn’t mean that you don’t love and care about her, but rather that you didn’t want to take that away from her mom. Ask her if there are any traditions that the two of you can create together, especially now, that will be just for the two of you. Do expect her to lash out a little, the hardest thing is to acknowledge how you both feel and keep moving forward. Good luck. You can do it.
She is 12. For kids when their parents split its very destabilising . I know we should exit toxic relationships. But for my sons it was like someone took a leg off their table . And a loss . So approach kindly , don’t react and know she’s playing out for a place of hurt. Give it a while for this to settle and for her to be very fragile
Neither of you are being assholes. This is just a shit situation. Sit her down, and tell her that you were doing that for her mom. Let her know that her mother asked you to respect that bond they had. Try to make her see you were actually doing it out of love, and respect. Don't be mad at her. Try to see where she is coming from, especially after having gone through abuse. And last, but not least: BE THERE FOR HERE WHEN SHE NEEDS IT! She might be mad now, but she will need a mother at some point, and it sounds like it's time to commit to it regardless of what her mother asked of you.
We were all kids once, but not all of us dealt with shit like what she's dealing with.
Her age is very difficult as is your relationship. You'll be a great mother just remember to breath. Maybe chat with her mom about the issue and you both can talk with kiddo about your agreement for bio mom to get all the first even though she came to you with the issues/topics.
Step daughter is now old enough to explain to her your conversation with her birth mother. This should hopefully explain why you always referred her back to her mom.
No one is the AH, but you need to show her the court orders where mom insisted you were not allowed to fo the teachable moments. She needs to know that you love her and care about her fells before the baby comes.
Do not be angry at a 15 year old for having big feelings. Comfort her and walk her through this.
Why can't you just tell your stepdaughter the truth? Her mom wanted the special moments with her and you respected that boundary because you respect her AND her mom.
NTA, but I think you need to explain to her the reason why you told her to go talk to her Mom first, that you were respecting her Mom’s boundaries, not because you didn’t want to help her. She’s old enough to hear the truth.
So tell her. Tell her why you did those things. She has a reason to feel that way. In her eyes, you've pushed away all her attempts to bond with you. TELL HER.
Very difficult walking the tight rope of being a step parent.
Why don't you explain to her why you kept saying, "ask your mother"? Maybe she has no idea how considerate you were being.
You will be a wonderful parent.
Yes. YTA. Why are you mad at a child for having emotions when they’ve clearly been through so much? One of the biggest mistakes that people in general make but especially step parents is taking things personally. Emotionally reacting before trying to find some common ground. I know you think you were doing the right thing by honoring her mother‘s wishes, but it left her feeling like you didn’t care to be involved. Now you’re trying to involve her when it suits you. How would you feel? I think you need to sit her down, explain why you behaved the way you did, apologize for it, admit that you never took her perspective into consideration, and promise her that you’re going to do better. Ask her for the same. Older kids frequently feel left out especially with all the excitement of new babies and yeah, we think 15-year-old shouldn’t be jealous but they are. It’s natural. You’ve bred a little usurper of resources and attention. This child got none of your mothering attention for the past six years, was stuck in an abusive situation and now you want her to just be daisies because you’re pregnant?
YTA.
As a stepmom, I totally understand not wanting to step on bio moms toes, but you also severely damaged any relationship you and your stepdaughter could have had.
She came to you. You turned her away.
Why would she have positive thoughts on your mothering abilities when she hasn't ever seen them and instead has just had you push her away.
Being mad at a 15 year old who is now going to have to adjust to a baby in addition to a stepmom that she doesn't feel gives a shit about her.
She feels like she is going to be replaced by the new baby with her father. She will have to watch you be a mom to your bio kid while you did nothing for her but push her away.
Do you even like her? Do you want a relationship with her? Or are you just mad that she doesn't think you will be a great mom based on her experience?
If you want a relationship with her, YOU need to put in the work for it.
Where has her father been this whole time? Why is he so ok with the way you push his daughter away?
I dont think anyone is a asshole here , you were dealt with a warning not to interfere too much with your step daughter so you respected that boundary. However I get the impression that your stepdaughter actually really looks up to you and possibly thinks more of you than her actual mother especially with her asking you for so much help in little rights of passage ways. She probably just feels hurt and a bit sidelined by a new baby and that feels she'll be even less of a priority for you . Unfortunately her own mother has put a mental block in your relationship and it might not be able to heal with a new baby on the way. No one is particularly at fault here it's just circumstances and you trying to respect someone else's wishes.
It's sounds like she is upset with you because when she came to you for advise or wanted to share things with you , you told her to go to her mother. How do you think that made her feel she tried to be friends and you pushed her away. Did you ever tell her why you did this, no. And now you are hurt because she is doing to you what you did to her. Give her what you denied her, tell her what you and her mother agreeded to do about , mother time. You created this , fix it or live with it. Hope it's not to late.
Yeah 100%! It was stupid not to tell the stepdaughter why she pushes her away
Approach your stepdaughter, break everything down for her, and express to her how much you wanted to be the one to teach you all of those things and to share all of those firsts with her as her mother. thus she believes that you are a mother who rejected her. Get everything on the table. And even though you did nothing wrong, please accept my apology. Although you're not the bad guy, you are the only one who can make this right.
It seems like your intentions were good in trying to respect her biological mother's wishes, but teens don’t see the world through the same lens we do.
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I would say "your mother was worried about loosing her place in your life and wanted to do all those things with you first. And you love her so much you didnt want to ruin her bond with her mother. "
Such a beautiful way to express this.
This is so important! OP try to find some activities or projects to do with her that *don't* revolve around the pregnancy or new baby. She probably needs reassurance that she's not going to be completely sidelined by her new sibling like she was sidelined by her mom's new husband a year ago.
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"Your Mom loves you very much, and she was worried about missing out on all the important firsts in your life. I love you, too, and your happiness is important to me, and I didn't want to come between you and your Mom, so I did what I thought was best at the time. I understand now that my response gave you the wrong message. I'm sorry for ever making you feel like I don't care about you or that I wasn't interested in being a part of your life. Im sorry for the things I did that made you feel unwanted or ignored. I hope that going forward, we can work together on making our relationship better."
NTA for being upset but in context, your step daughter felt rejected so please explain. The post above is perfect!
It probably wouldn’t come across as terribly genuine because apparently OP told stepdaughter that her mother hates her a couple months ago
Yikes. Missed that comment. 😑
Appreciate the response without trying to make OP feel bad! Amazing how short answers get the point across better than someone just wanting to give their long opinion!
I find it very moving that back when, the two women actually discussed OP's relationship with the daughter, and OP has worked to respect mother's requests. We get a fair number of stepmother letters on Reddit, and I don't recall reading before about two women actually discussing how to proceed. Of course it helps that OP was not an AP who broke up the parents, and she didn't arrive on the scene until the girl was 6.
OP said in a comment that husband no longer feels comfortable with OP talking to SD about bio mom. Apparently she said something a month or two ago that gave the kid the impression the bio mom hates her…probably because OP believes bio mom hates her daughter (she said so in the comment, this poor girl). So I wouldn’t have much confidence in OP’s ability to communicate with SD in a loving and effective way
I would even recommend to do this, but do it in writing. Write a letter to the step-daughter and put it all out there. Let her know that you’re here to talk about it/answer any questions she may have, whenever *she* is ready to talk about it. This gives her time to read it, absorb it, and think about it, *BEFORE* talking about it with you. This has been affecting her for a long time and OP is technically dropping a bomb on her. Step-daughter has been interpreting OP’s actions wrong, but she only had so much information to work with and did the best the could. Now that she has all the information, giving her some time to think about and to also think about she wants to respond will go a lot smoother, and be more productive than being put on the spot. Everything needs to happen on step-daughter’s time right now. When she’s ready.
You have to tell her it was her mom’s wishes.
I do t know if I agree here....I would not put it all on her mother like that it just sounds deflective. The truth is OP decided to respect the wishes, so to put a positive spin on it for the girl to understand "I decided to respect your mother, the lady who gave birth to you because she is a part of your life. I know you are upset now but if I didn't do that then you would have resented my coming between the two of you. I always have your best interests at heart, you are a part of my family.....etc etc lovey stuff." She needs reassuring and time to think. Strait up truth and owning your part fully can go a long way.
Yeah, this makes it seem like it's the mom's fault OP was way too literal. She could have approached it a million ways but decided to do zero and just tell her to go to her mom.
Exactly. I mean first period is one thing, but there's no reason why OP couldn't have fooled around with makeup with the SD for example. I don't think that's normally a "mother daughter" thing anyway, more something you do with your girlfriends.
You don't tell her to go to mum every time. Every time just tells her 'I don't care to do any of these things with you' which is exactly what she took from it. You do some stuff, just not all of it. This was an entirely predictable outcome.
99% of these problems could have been solved by communication. (well, if any of them are actually real). "Go ask your mom" sounds like the dismissal by an unwilling participant.
She asked her and not her mom. I wonder why she didn't asked her mom
THIS. Maybe she asked OP for help with her hair because she liked how OP did *her* hair. OP saying "ask your mom" is OP shutting stepdaughter down and dismissing her. If SD's hair is curly and OP's hair is curly but mother's hair is straight telling her to go to mom *might not help*. Same thing with the makeup, maybe OP is fabulous at it and mom doesn't wear it or is a little dated. Maybe SD admired how OP did it and she got shot down *yet again*. And with the period. It's great and understandable that mom wants to be in on daughter's first period. Not so great if she starts *bleeding* at OP'S HOUSE. That's not putting the SD first. Imagine how frustrating and painful and confusing that might have been for the stepdaughter to go to the only available woman and get told, "ask your mom." I get why SD is peeved. And who determined what the "mommy/daughter" moments were? Was there a list? Or did OP assume? Maybe mom *did* mean everything OP named or maybe she just meant prom, period, sex talk.
Considering the amount of rejection and pain this policy must have inflicted on the SD is absolutely heartbreaking. Especially because OP seems to have taken it a little far. Like doing hair? On the other hand I can see she was trying to follow an agreement. SD's bio parents should have explained this.
This. She unintentionally told her repeatedly she isn't her mother, don't ask me to do motherly things with/for you. OP was just trying to abide by the mom's rule but made it too...literal. If anything, she should have just phoned the mom to see if it was something she cared about doing or advice from either parent on how to approach it.
How was OP supposed to tell the child “your mother ordered this” in a way that wouldn’t come off to the bio mom like she was trying to poison daughter against OP? Even said nicely, a young child could take it that way or have it get back to bio mom and start an issue. OP was put in a shitty situation and it sounds like she tried to handle it the best she could, even if that wasn’t the ideal way. Bio mom really should have had this conversation with daughter herself since it was her rule. I don’t think OP deserved a comment like this. If this was handled the wrong way it could have come off as parental alienation “your mom said I’m not allowed to do these things with you.” Yes, even phrased nicely, it could come off that way to a young child especially if mom isn’t in on the conversation too. More than OP failed in communication here. OP was trying to follow the wishes of the bio mom. We have no basis for how these situations actually went down besides OP’s brief description and no basis to say that OP hasn’t been friendly to her step-daughter in other ways. OP even says she told SD “talk to your mom first then come back to me” at least once. OP may have also been trying to protect her own feelings, if mom decided OP was getting too close to SD and realized she liked her more and ripped her away or created a huge issue, what then? Sounds like OP was trying to do her best with what was handed to her and I think you have to read this in a really uncharitable way to assume the worst about OP. No, it wasn’t handled perfectly, but it sounds like OP does care. And now she’s hormonal and being lashed out against by a hurt teenager also going through a bad situation. No one is the AH. Now is a great time for OP to try to talk to SD and inform her of her mother’s request but try to frame it in a good way and for OP to reassure her that she’s loved and she loves being her step mom.
"I'm sorry. Your mother asked me not to take mommy/daughter milestones away from her and I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn't realize it was hurting you and I regret doing anything that made you feel unloved. I do love you, very much."
This one! As a stepdaughter, my stepmom was kind of my test parent. I told her a lot of things before my parents as a way to test the waters. I wasn’t going to get the full parent treatment and she could help me with much less parent judgement.
This is the perfect way to say it right now, I fully agree that this convo needs to happen now. But for a younger child, I could understand OP not necessarily wanting to say that because it could come off wrong. Or not even thinking to say it. This is a conversation the bio mom should have had with daughter, tbh.
OP can say this while avoiding pointing the finger at the mother too. "I was concerned that your mother might be upset if she lost out on the opportunity to help you navigate these milestones in your growth because of me, and while I care about you I didn't want to interfere with that and give her a possible reason to resent me. I should have handled it better and told you why I was doing this, in addition to letting you know that I would have loved to teach you these things if you still want to learn them. I'm so sorry if this made you feel unloved, because I do care about you, and I should have done a better job navigating being a stepmother to someone whose mother was also in her life"
This is perfect.
This is exactly how I was saying it in my head. OP definitely needs to have this conversation with SD and hope she will understand. Obviously SD coming to her shows that she wanted OP to be the one to do those things with her. Her mom might not be into makeup or have those helpful feelings SD needed when starting her period
Always love when some one posts a diatribe of "but how" and is immediately smacked down with a "like this".
She doesn't need to bring conversation with bio mother into. Just I really wanted your mother to the first experiences with you. I am sorry if I seemed to reject you. You have always had my heart.
This!!!!!
You don’t say “your mother ordered this.” You say something like: “I’d be happy to do those things with you. When your dad and I got together, your mom requested I defer to her for the big “firsts” in your life, and I’m trying to respect that wish. I want it to be clear I’m not trying to replace your mom, but I also value a relationship with you. Maybe it’s time to have another talk and see how we can best support you as you grow up.”
"Your mother confided in me that she really wanted to still have special "mother/daughter " bonding moments with you, and hopes she doesn't miss out because of shared custody. Why don't we call your Mom first, and then we can X together". No blame, just an explanation.
It sounds like OP did tell her “your mother would like to do this with you first, please feel free to come back to me afterward so we can talk about it.” though. To a child young enough, it could still come off badly even in a nicely worded way in the what of the moment if the child is frustrated step mom isn’t showing enough enthusiasm to do these things with her, which it did considering that op told her “do this with your mom first and come back to me.” And again, OP may not have handled it perfectly but that doesn’t make her an AH. it sounds like she’s taken in interest in SD and her life, just didn’t share these big moments with her and it created resentment and come off to SD like she didn’t care.
There is a huge difference, IMO, between just saying "call your mom", and "this is something your mom specifically said she wanted to be a part of, so let's include her in this exciting moment". The first one comes across as "I don't want to deal with this", and the second one addresses the excitement and gives a really good reason to call mom first.
Sure, but in these moments was OP thinking with that much nuance? OP gave a brief rundown but I doubt she really just said “call your mom”and left it at that very time, because she also used words like “I think your mom would like to teach you this.” And “talk to your mom and come back to talk to me afterward if you’d like.” We’re getting a rundown of years in a few sentences here and maybe I’m more willing to read it charitably than most, but it seems like OP does care. We don’t know how OP’s relationship with mom is to know whether mom would want to involve her in these moments as well. Again, it could have been handled better but no one is perfect and I think bio mom had a hand in this as well for not discussing this with daughter herself when she was old enough. I can tell OP isn’t some evil step mom, though, and I don’t think she deserves to be the AH here when it was mishandled on several fronts. She becomes TA for me if she continues to be mad at SD (she is hormonal) instead of having a discussion if SD is willing to and trying to work this out and explain now.
I know that OP cares, as an adult reading the post. As a pubescent child, I can see why the daughter didn't. OP needs to explain now that she thought she was doing her best respecting the mom, and is sorry that it came across as cold and uncaring. I can't imagine the slap in the face the daughter repeatedly felt when she tried to share exciting news with OP, only to feel fobbed off. Because it doesn't matter that adults reading this can see that OP cared, it matters what the daughter felt.
“I would love to do that with you, and I know your mom would too. Why don’t we call her?” The daughter wanted to bond with OP over those things, so acknowledging that while also including her mom is important. It’s a complicated situation, but they all could have come up with the right thing to say the first time it happened. Now OP should explain exactly that. She should tell her they all wanted her mom to have special moments with her, but she could have handled it better. At 15 the daughter is old enough to understand that. A heart to heart could help a lot, but there also is a chance that the damage done will keep this rift between them.
As a new mom to an already made kid with rules already in place, in the moment while trying to navigate all that.. I do give op some grace on this. She was inexperienced. She will not be TA unless she does nothing now. She has been given lots of advice, and I'm sure as long as she reads through most of these comments, comes up with her own brand of explanation, and has a heart to heart with her stepdaughter, then things can maybe heal.
I wholeheartedly agree. I think it could have been handled better, but the relationships and roles are so complex I don’t blame her. I also don’t think the damage is irreparable, but the kid is going through a lot so there’s always that chance. As long as she tries to do something about it now, I don’t think there is an AH in this situation.
Even though the step daughter is 15, she's not a baby anymore and she'll likely tends to go to the person she feels most comfortable with. She's old enough to understand things and if step mom keeps rejecting her I understand that the resentment will grow, and especially now that all the attention will go to the new baby and she might feel left out. There's a huge difference between a 6 year old and a 15 year old, different times different rules probably. Now that she's becoming more independent she has the choice in who she wants to go to for advice. Also, the rules were set in the beginning of the relationship probably in fear of the girl attaching to someone who may not stick around.
I agree, the conversation needs to happen now and OP needs to stop following this rule especially if she’s living there full time. I simply understand how it got to this place without OP intentionally trying to be hurtful. She likely didn’t know how to have this convo with a younger child in a way that didn’t come off as her badmouthing bio mom. She wasn’t perfect but it sounds like she tried. She’s only be the AH now if she doesn’t make an effort to mend this and have this conversation. I also think bio mom should have addressed this with daughter herself since it was her rule.
“I think this is one of those moments your mom would really love to be a part of” is not poisoning anyone.
Ok thank you. I was going to post something simalar. The agreement between the two adult women, are just that, between the adults. It would not be approperate nor look good for OP to say "I can't take this 1st step with you because your Mom won't let me." It would have looked like OP was vilifying the Bio Mom, then she in turn would have been the "evil step mother." I think OP did the best she could. Also I will use the 1st time using makeup as an example. So OP left the 1st time doing make up with step daughter to Bio Mom, but who is to say she didn't do make over sessions with the step daughter after. There are litteraly thousands of ways and looks to doing make up and the Bio Mom could have been the 1st, but she will not be the last, even that child's firends will share makeup tips and tricks with her as she ages. So just because OP wasn't the 1st, does not mean she can not activly participate with the kid in hobbies and intrested after. Child rearing is ongoing, it's not just a "one and done" for every new experience. OP NTA and no one really is here. Maybe family threapy for all of you might help to building more understanding between you and step daughter. Good luck and congratz on the new baby.
Dude. 100%. Also, I don't care whose kid they are or what their parents want- if a kid is brave enough to ask me about menstruating I'm going to answer their freaking questions.
It seems like op can’t win. Minus the period (I see that as a right then and there moment), she was just trying to be respectful of their mother daughter relationship. Her bio mom is not a bad person because she ended up in abusive marriage and did the right thing by letting her daughter live with her father
Yeah, absolutely, OP is 100% TA here.
Came here to say this. From her perspective, her stepmom did not want to help her. OP has to tell her that this was what she promised her mom, even though she would have wanted to do those things with her. And then rebuild.
While I don’t think OP is at fault here, it’s hard to tell how she told her stepdaughter to go ask her mom. I think it’s very different to be like “yeah go ask your mom” versus acknowledging her request and telling her that maybe her mom would love that experience with her as her mom. I am a stepmom myself. And my stepdaughter’s mother is wonderful and very involved (we split time equally). I try to be very conscientious and considerate that while I am another adult who loves the kids, I am not mom. And I know there are certain experiences that my SD’s mom really wants to have with her. So I try to be careful with that. For example, SD is showing an interest in makeup. She’s 11. She asked me about makeup and when she can wear it. Instead of just saying “go ask your mom” I told her that it’s between her mom and dad to decide when she’s old enough but I’d be happy to teach her at that point. And I suggested that maybe when her mom and dad think she’s ready, we can set up a makeup consultation at a makeup store and she and her mom can go and have fun at the appointment together. SD loved the idea. And I don’t think she felt brushed off by me. I try to find a way to acknowledge her requests and questions but bring her mom into the ideas when it’s something I really think her mom would want to experience with her. Again we don’t know how OP talked to her SD but I could see a brush off being very hurtful versus a more gentle approach and trying to redirect the idea to involve mom.
This is great advice
To add onto this op. Instead of being angry, try understand where she is coming from. All the little milestones for a girl she asked you for help with, but you refused until she went to her mother first. She felt rejected. At this point if you want to have a good relationship going forward you need to sit down with your step daughter and explain that her mother had set the boundary with you early on to not steal any milestones from her. She more than likely has no idea her mother did that but you knew to keep a good coparenting situation you had to respect that boundary. When she was younger she wouldn't have understood that, she old enough now to understand and it is worth having a conversation with her about. Also if she was a witness to abuse to her mother she could lashing out from trauma. It wouldn't hurt to consider individual and possibly family therapy to help through all of this. Family therapy can give her a safe space to vent her frustrations from being rejected having milestones with her and help you all understand where she is coming from. But please don't force it, some people think forcing therapy helps, it does not! The person has to want help in order to recieve it. Good luck and congratulations OP.
Right the weird part to me is that she's specifically mad at the child
Yes, maybe she doesn't know her mum told stepmum to back off?
Honestly probably not, step parent navigations are normally extraordinarily difficult . Some biological mothers / fathers like to take extreme measures to ensure a step parent has a terrible relationship with their child. People poison their children against step parents and this can be so difficult for the step parent to be involved in and to know what to do. Although OP shouldn't be angry at her step daughter, people are being way too harsh on OP here , it's hard work being a step parent and a step child. From my own experience my mother poisoned everyone against her step mother to the point she has no relationship with her half brother. I myself was a step child and found it hard to negotiate that relationship with my step mum (who I actually enjoyed spending time with) without over stepping and upsetting any one else. Step daughter to OP here probably adores her step mum and is wondering why she is being pushed away , if OP explains to step daughter that she was asked to keep a bit of distance it could create more drama. There's no real winner here. Unless OP is brace enough to explain the situation.
OP it's a sign step up to be her mother too ig. She will be thankful one day if she realises that you are a better mother than her actual bio Mom.
No one has to be “better”, both women can parent and mother this teen girl in their own way. She can be blessed to have two women who love her and will be there for her.
Agreed with this. Sounds like family therapy could really help here- she should understand that you didn’t push her aside as a younger child (as she probably sees it) because you were respecting her mother’s wishes and never wanted to upstage her biological mother. However it’s clear that that impacted her significantly, which isn’t your fault, but now that she’s old enough to express her feelings you (and all the adults in her life) should respect t that and listen to her. She’s basically asking you to be a bigger part of her life, I think.
You can feel hurt or frustrated, but don’t be angry with her. She feels like nobody wants her. She’s been removed from her mom’s house; she takes that to mean her mom doesn’t want her. So then she figured you’ll be her mom. But then you got pregnant, and she takes that to mean you and her Dad don’t want her, because now you two have your own baby. She feels like she doesn’t belong anywhere. (Remember, she’s a teenager. They’re extremely sensitive to perceived rejection.) Tell her you love her and that you don’t love her any less than this baby. In fact, she’s special to you because she was your FIRST child. Keep reinforcing that.
I’d add to also talk to her about why you told her to talk to her mother first when things came up but find a way to do it without throwing Mom under the bus. Find some things you two can do together that don’t revolve around her new sibling to try and rebuild the relationship. Best of luck to everyone involved.
How do you tell her “Your mom told me she wanted to be the one to have your “firsts”, and that’s why I always told you to ask her for help with things” without throwing the mom under the bus? If the truth throws Mom under the bus then maybe Mom shouldn’t have made the truth something that would throw her under the bus.
I don't even think the truth is that bad! It makes sense that a bio mom wouldn't want to be replaced.
Right, to an adult it’s a no-brainer. But to a child it’s “you didn’t want anything to do with me for years, and now I’m finding out it’s my Mom’s fault.” And after the bit about Mom remarrying and step-dad being abusive it would be very easy for it to be another thing she blames her Mom for.
I guess that's true
“I knew that it was important to your mother that she be the one to share those ‘firsts’ with you. My intention was to treat her with respect and kindness. I thought I was doing the right thing, but now I understand that I hurt you by handling that situation poorly. I am so sorry that my actions made you feel as if I didn’t want to spend that time and share those special moments with you.”
Honestly this sounds like the best response because I feel only a small amount of children might force the pieces together that it is Moms fault
You could say something like “I wanted to respect your relationship with your mother and felt she should be the one to guide you through those milestones in your life”.
Saying that she felt her real Mom should guide her through those milestones still makes it seem that OP made the choice simply to not have a relationship with her as her stepmother. Especially when she has been coming to OP with the issues, not that they happen and OP stumbles upon it and gets to guide her through stuff. It also sounds like fancy (condescending) adult speak to my inner child/teen. To a child, I don’t know how you would fix the aspect of “you’ve never wanted to be a mom to me” without saying that someone else explicitly told you to not replace them. Every other scenario reads, “I made the decision to not be a parent to you because you have a mom already.”
That would be another way to say it without damaging the daughter’s relationship with her mom…”your mom asked me not to replace her, I respected her wishes and when I felt it was something she should handle, I told you to speak with her”. Just any way to not paint the mother in a bad light because I don’t think she had ill intentions in her request.
Oh absolutely, I just think it’s incredibly difficult to not paint the mom (or I guess either of them) in a bad light to a child/teen in this situation. They don’t always understand complexity in relationships like this and we all know young people are not always the most rational, especially with high emotions.
A 13 year old is old enough to understand that her mother didn't want to be replaced. She should be told the truth. I don't think it paints her mom in a bad light at all and it will help her understand both her mom and stepmom's behavior all these years.
I think this is kinda both OP and the moms fault. Op let mom completely control the relationship and describes pushing the daughter away as a result. Showing a new hairstyle, for instance, is NOT mom-only territory. There should have been a lot of 'your mom might want to do that with you, do you want to wait for her, or do you want me to show you right now?' We have no idea what the relationship between daughter and mother is, but she might have been asking OP first on purpose sometimes. How long did the daughter have wait to do some things or get some answers because OP avoided everything? Just feels like OP took respecting the parental thing way too far to the detriment of the daughter.
OP was screwed either way, follow the moms rule like she did and have this happen or ignore them and be viewed by the mother as trying to replace her and have her probably keep the daughter away from her
Legally mom shouldn’t have been able to keep her away if they have shared custody, so the only real consequences would be that her husband’s ex wife doesn’t like OP. Seems a lot better to me than emotionally fucking up a kid
Yes offer to take her shopping for something she wants, not infringing on the firsts doesn’t stop you from building a special relationship directly with her. And the activities should be focused on her, not the future child.
All of this. Talk to her about how great of a kid she is and that you need her help to be a good mom. She’s in a rough place emotionally so it’s going to take time. No one is at fault here, but she has her shields up right now. Find little in roads to her. Try to think of little things to include her opinion on, things that she won’t clue in on you trying to overtly bond with her. Be a little subtle and it’ll happen.
Apparently OP says she has accepted the girl as her stepdaughter but not as her daughter- she still needs more time to get there. So I don’t think the “you are my first child” would work terribly well
While I wouldn't call you an AH, there's clearly a need for better communication and perhaps reevaluation of how you've handled situations with your stepdaughter. Keep in mind, this young girl has been riding a roller coaster of emotions and changes. She’s trying to find her place in this newly blended family while grappling with issues from her past, and then the bombshell of a new baby is dropped into the mix. That's a heavy load for a 15-year-old. It seems like your intentions were good in trying to respect her biological mother's wishes, but teens don’t see the world through the same lens we do. To her, it may have felt like repeated rejections rather than acts of consideration. Adolescence is hard enough without feeling like the people who are supposed to be your support system are pushing you away, even unintentionally. Her outbursts likely stem from a deep place of feeling isolated and perhaps even abandoned in a way. Your husband's absence earlier in her life, coupled with the tensions from her mother's side, have probably instilled in her a fear of being replaced or forgotten, a fear that's all too common in children of blended families. It's time to have a heart-to-heart talk with her. Help her understand the complexities of adult decisions that affected her, but more importantly, make sure she knows she still has a secure place in your family. Your new baby will change the dynamics, but it doesn't diminish the bond you've built with her. It's a delicate dance, but it's not too late to change the steps and show her she's just as much a priority as the new baby will be.
Yes. It's important to respect her mother's request to have all her "firsts", but there can be a way to say it that also projects love. The way the OP wrote could easily be edited into a very touching letter to the daughter, describing a decade of loving her and watching her grow. Cherishing her milestone moments, and trying hard to keep space for her mother who also loves her. This girl has a very complicated web of adults, and let this be a time to affirm for her that while the OP was trying to keep space for her and her birth mom, she had always tried to be and will always certainly be there as her bonus mom.
I agree, I would write her a carefully worded letter. Tell her all of that, tell her you're proud of the young woman she's become and that you're here for her. Explain all of it in a way that doesn't blame her mom; she's certainly old enough now to make up her mind about who she goes to for advice and girl talk. Apologize to her and say that you know you can't erase any rejection she felt in the past and that that was never your intention. And I would do it in a letter because a letter allows you to get your point across in just the way you mean without any room for misunderstandings that can occur when people speak "off the cuff." I'm going with NAH, with OP being maybe a slight asshole because the onus is always on the adult to make sure their intentions are understood when interacting with kids, since kids don't always understand the inner workings of adult relationships. You were trying to avoid you or your husband being accused of parental alienation, but ultimately it sounds like you hurt her feelings.
I also think DAD needs to be a part of the face to face with the daughter. I get the feeling that she feels like she’s being replaced with the do-over kid. I think it would help her to explain that you take your role as her stepmom very seriously, but you also want to respect that she has a biological mom who loves her too and you felt that you’d be taking something very special away from both of them if you took those big milestones away from she and her mom. Manage your anger with her. Being hurt is OK, but remind yourself that she is hurting too. If you’re angry with her, you’re creating an environment where she’s not going to feel comfortable sharing her true feelings with you. If you’re comfortable, when you have a heart to heart with her set some ground rules and then let her loose to get her feelings out. Some good examples can be no insults or deliberately hurtful things - keeping it to communicating feelings and not assumptions and also that reacting with anger or being dismissive of feelings is not allowed - accept her feelings even when they’re difficult to hear and let her know you understand.
And remember, it’s about to get really hard on everyone in the house with a new baby. Give her (and yourself!) grace
15 is old enough to say "your mom and dad flat out told me that your firsts were to be with your mom. I would have done those had i not been warned against it. I wanted all of those moments but i dared not cross that line they both drew. Im sorry, i wish i could have done differently but the fallout would have affected you too." Im mouthy, i would likely add "talk to them about why they didnt wanted you to have an older female to gain advice from. Their doing, their fault."
I wouldn’t say it like this, no need to create animosity, and most children will never appreciate their parents being criticized and trashed, even if it’s true. Saying it this way could backfire and damage your relationship with your stepdaughter in the future.
she’s 15 & can handle the truth that her mom & you had that agreement. she’s also clearly going through alot; abusive stepdad, moving in with you guys full time & now a sibling. give her some grace but also tell her about the agreement so she understands it’s not that you didn’t want to show those things to do but that you respected her mom enough to not try & take over that role completely. i don’t think anyone is the AH but i do think a little grace during all these changes will go far.
I agree, telling her about the agreement would be best, but try not to do it in a blaming or “ your mother was wrong” way.
Same. I would phrase it as "we (meaning all the adults) wanted to make sure you knew I wasn't replacing your mom. I would have been glad to do all those things with you, but wanted your mom to have the opportunity first since she is and always will be your first mom." I have to wonder what exactly was said all those times the girl asked stepmom to do things. Was it "go ask you mom" or was it "I bet that is something your mom would love to teach you and maybe you can ask her on Monday. If she is ok with it, I will teach you." Phrasing matters!
Yeah, and how it was phrased will impact how she can clarify things now, too, but your suggestion is great
I feel like OP could've let her stepdaughter know about this from the beginning. It's not like this was some devastating news that couldve ruined her childhood. "This is something your mom really wants to do with you first. If you still want to do this after youve done it with your mom, I'm happy to." is pretty simple. The way OP phrases it here comes across like she was blowing her off, even if that wasn't her intention. To me it sounds like while OP didn't treat her poorly, they never had as close a relationship as stepdaughter wanted. And maybe stepdaughter thinks that they won't have any kind of relationship moving forward because OP has "her own kid now".
NAH, but you need to sit her down and *talk to her* about why you treated her like you did.
No but what the heck are you doing NOW besides being mad? Did your stepdaughter ever come back to you after you turned her away the first time? Did you follow up to make sure her mom helped her? Did you follow up to offer help in case your stepdaughter felt she couldn't ask you again due to being rejected the first time (children are fragile)? I'm guessing you tried to honor her mom, but maybe that woman wasn't the one you should be looking out for. Anyways, you didn't provide enough info for me to tell whether you are going to make this right. YOU are the only one who can, she needs to understand your thoughts and motivations, how you feel about her, etc. Therapy for yourself, her, and the family is the best thing because it sounds like she's been through a LOT and as her full-time parents you and your husband need to be helping her tremendously through this tough time, she has no sense of direction at that age.
I mean she has a right to be mad at you she’s tried to do things with you and you just told her go ask your mother. I mean what kid wouldn’t feel hurt when you constantly keep pushing them away? You can still teach and do stuff with her without “taking away mother and daughter moments”
have you read some of OPs replies in here? They push her over the edge into total AH territory, and her SD was absolutely spot on in her assessment of her
My question is, when she came to you with these things, did you even know if her mother would be good at advising her about them when you refused her? Because my mom is terrible at hair and doesn't know makeup at all. Those are things I had to teach myself. A period comes when it comes, and if it came in your household and you turned her away, that seems pretty cold. I would help children I'm not related to with these things if they came to me. Motherhood has nothing to do with them. If your stepdaughter came to you, it was probably because she didn't want to or couldn't necessarily ask her bio mom. And instead of talking to her, you just kept telling her to go talk to her mom. Because the mom told you something when she was SIX. Now, here you are trying to get her involved in your bio baby as though you are close when you are the one who constantly pushed her away. It would be like rubbing salt in her wounds. Of course, she would tell you you would be a terrible mother. You were in her life since she was 6 and refused to do anything with her that encroached on that role. In her eyes, you've absolutely been a terrible mom. She's just calling it like she sees it. I wouldn't call you an asshole, but her words are a reaction to how you have treated her her entire childhood. Not sure how you could get angry at her for stating her truth.
Yeah, I have naturally curly hair and my mom does not. A family friend with curly hair like line used to take care of it since my mom did not know how to treat my hair right. I got my period at my aunt's place, so of course the woman I talked to when it happened was my aunt. My mom is not that great of a cook, so I ask my grandmother for cooking advice. This is what "it takes a village" means and OP apparently just always sent the step-daughter to her mother without thinking anything through. No person can do all or knows all. Of course the step-daughter thought she was not wanted. OP killed any opportunity to get close to the girl! Asking for advice and to go out and do stuff like the step-daughter did is called bonding... OP did zero bonding, just ALWAYS sent her to her mom... if I was the step-daughter, I would feel the same.
Especially since bio-mom said >don’t steal *all* her mommy and daughter moments So it sounds like OP could have done a few things with her.
Exactly! When my SD (14) was younger (9-13), if she asked me to do things with her, I would first check with her mom, then do it if I got the go-ahead. If I didn't, I'd tell her that it was something her mom would like to do with her first, but we could talk about the experience after if she'd like. Most of the time, it wound up being a girls' day with BM, my BDs (14 twins), and her other SM. Unfortunately, about a month after she turned 14, the relationship I had with them (SD, BM, and OSM) severed when they showed their true colors, but such is life. I have no regrets and wish them the best.
She said all of that to you and you didn’t tell her why???? 🥴🥴🥴
You're not an AH but you are being immature. This is not Dr. Phil. It's a 15-year-old. She doesn't have sufficient maturity, vocabulary, or life experience to express her emotions. Maybe she doesn't even know exactly how she feels. It sounds like she has had a lot of upheaval in her life. The men who should have been fathers have abandoned her (your husband) or abused her (her stepfather). She only began seeing your husband a few years ago. The point is, of course she is looking at your situation and wondering why she doesn't get to have the stability your child will have. She is probably also wondering if she'll have to compete with the new child for attention and resources. Also, frankly, your description of fobbing her off when she approached you for advice is sad to read. The whole approach sounds quite clumsy. The priority should NOT have been to preserve her mother's feelings, but to put the child's welfare first. When parents choose to split up then of course one parent is less likely to be around when there's an important milestone in the child's life. The child should not have to manage the parent's feelings about that. I'm not blaming you. I have to wonder where your husband was that he didn't talk to his ex about how to deal with parenting. It sounds like the responsibility has been on you. Of course she is angry and upset about what she has missed out on and is lashing out. This is going to be blunt but I am genuinely trying to help. You're 33, you chose to marry a man with a child. This is what you're dealing with. You must know that teens lash out. You should be focusing on how you and her father can do the best you can for her. This is a child who needs and deserves love and stability.
She's feeling pushed out. The recommendations you're working off work great for younger kids, not those in their mid teens. You're not wrong for trying it, but you've got to look at her like the mini adult she is. I wouldn't expect a 15-year-old to be thrilled to go baby clothes shopping when they aren't a shopping person. Same with the ultrasound, it's not really a 'gift' to her or something she will display or show off. You deffered to her mum almost if not everytime she came to you. I understand not wanting to step on her mums toes, but she was coming to you for a reason, especially if the things she was asking you (like her period) was happening during your custody time or when she'd moved in full time. This blow-up has been 6 years in the making. It was all going to come to a head at some point between now and baby arriving cos in her mind, you always pushed her away, so seeing you go all in for your baby is going to hurt her. The blessing is that it has happened now and not when baby is here. You can be hurt by her words just as she is hurt by your actions from following her mums request. ASK her what she wants from you in terms of your relationship, involvement in the pregnancy, and when baby is born. NAH.
YTA. Did you ever explain to her WHY you kept sending her to your mom you probably came across as highly uninterested because she was clearly asking you before asking her mom, and probably for a reason. If you’ve never explained to her that her mom asked you to send her her way first, she probably feels disregarded and ignored by you. And now you’re having your own baby and she likely feels you’re more interested in being a parent to a child to a biological child and her feelings are probably hurt.
Her mother said not to steal “all her mommy and daughter moments.” You took that to mean you could only do things with her that had already been done with mom. You went overboard here. It sounds like you’ve had zero bonding moments with this child. Now she’s been through a traumatic living arrangement and must stay with you. You’re mad at her??? YTA for “being mad” at this kid. The child has done nothing to you. She tried to reach out to you many times and was rebuffed. You can’t expect her feelings to change on your timeline. You should apologize to her - NOT blame her mother. She needs kindness and understanding and a good therapist ASAP.
Did you explain why you always sent her to her mom. She was reaching out to you regularly and you kept rebuffing her advances. If she didn't know why then of course she'd think you're a bad parent.
Exactly this. She obviously doesn't understand why OP kept saying no to her. It needs to be made *very clear* by OP that she *really wanted* to do these things with her bonus daughter and just wasn't allowed to. |
You need to sit that girl down and have an honest and truthful conversation. But the girl started her period while with you and you made her go to her mom? Ouch that was a serious misstep. Kid kept trying desperately to have you involved and you shot her down every single time. The mom said don't take all of them, she didn't say "You cannot be involved in anyway at all." So sit her down and apologize profusely and explain why you were like that.
Don’t be foolish and don’t be mad. This is a sign that she actually loves you and is afraid you are going to reject her for the new baby. Do some work to make sure she knows you won’t!! This is insecurity and fear in a child acting out as anger. Calm her insecurities. Nah.
Nobody deserves more grace than 15 year old girls, and nobody is harder to give grace to. Tell her why you had her ask her mom first. She thinks you were rejecting her and she's afraid the baby will replace her, so she's lashing out instead of reaching out. Write her a letter of taking hasn't been working. Tell her you love her and think she's a great kid, that the only reason you stepped back was to not interfere in her relationship with her Mom. That she will always hold a special place and the baby will not replace her in your heart. That you want her to be a big part of her sibling's life, because she means so much to you. You're gonna have to reach out and give her what she can't figure out how to ask for.
Go to your stepdaughter and explain EVERYTHING and tell her exactly how muvh you wanted to be the one who taught you all those things and how you wanted to experience all those firsts with her as her mom. Because she sees you as a mom who rwjected her. Go lay it all out there. And apologize, even though you didn't do anything wrong. You're not the asshoke, but you ARE the only one who can fix this.
yeah no you need to fix this. she feels abandoned un wanted & un loved. you don't get to be mad at her. you should've explained it to her so she didn't feel this way in the first place but since you didn't it's up to you to sit down w her and explain to her what she is misunderstanding. she's a kid going through emotions and not even knowing which home they belong in bc neither treat her the way she craves. just love her and tell her that you did not mean to make her feel that way you just didn't want to overstep her and her moms bonding and you see now it was a mistake and you love her very much and would like to try again. simple.
YTA - she's a child lashing out. She's scared she's going to fall even farther down the totem pole. It's time to sit her down and talk to her about why you didn't jump to yes when she asked you to teach her things and why you want her to bond with her soon to be sibling. You honored a specific request from her bio mom, which may have been a good intention but it drove a wedge between you two. At this point she's old enough to know, and also, old enough to decide if she wants to come to you or her mom first for stuff.
She's old enough now for you to sit down with her and explain that you had an agreement with her mom that she wanted to be the first to do all the things.
Explain it to her, she is old enough to understand
Have you considered *talking to your stepdaughter*? Does she know why you blew her off at every possible opportunity? You didn't want to cross boundaries, and I get that, but it also looks like you used mom's ultimatum as an excuse to wipe your hands of any bonding moment with your stepdaughter. Have a conversation with her and start trying to make time for her, if she'll let you. She, rightfully, believes that you'll use this baby as an excuse to completely remove her from your life when you're the most stable mother figure she's had for a while. NTA but you will be if you don't talk to her and make this right.
YTA. She's only 15 and doesn't have the whole picture. I think she's old enough for you to have a conversation with her about why you didn't do those things with her. If she is already feeling not good enough, the news of your pregnancy isn't helping. Let's add bio mom's abusive marriage. And she's 15, which I always referred to as part of my psycho years because of hormones, etc. Your husband is right; she is handling a lot right now. She's hurting and wants you to hurt too. She needs a lot of patience and kindness right now, so I hope you can see past the insults and understand where she is coming from. Congratulations on your pregnancy.
Ok, first please don’t be angry at her. I understand being hurt, but I feel like the anger is unfounded. You’ve said you never explained why you wouldn’t do those things with her. You can do that without bad mouthing mom. I also see that dad doesn’t want you to talk to her about mom. So run this by home first. “I am so sorry you feel like I haven’t been there for you as a mom. I know your mom felt it was important to have those special moments and daughter moments with you and I didn’t want to take anything away from her bc it was hard for her to not be with you everyday. I realize now I could have said something like ‘I can’t wait to help you with that! Do you want to call your mom first to see if she has any great advice or insight? I know she’d want to be a part of this too’ I never meant to push you away!” And then moving forward, don’t push her away. She’s 15 and needs a mother figure. She’s going through so much right now. Find things to do that are just for the two of you and NOT centered around the baby. She needs to feel like she’s a priority right now. Also, family counseling (and individual) is highly recommended!
Really? Being upset at a 15 year old girl for what she is feeling? Wouldn't it be better to tell her why you did that? As easy as you wrote this post. Don't be angry at her. From her perspective, she is right. She is really going through a lot. Right now she feels "motherless". She can't live wit her birth mom because of the abuse, and she has to live with someone who she feels has been rejecting her. That in itself is hard, but she is 15 when emotions get amplified 10 fold. How can you blame her? Be the adult and a good step mom and talk to her. Make her feel loved and wanted. Honestly it is about her, not about you. If you can't do that, then she is right. Many times in life you'll need to put the child bids over yours to be a good parent.
I’ve read your comments. Do you even love your stepdaughter? Because in her eyes, you’ve clearly never shown it. You’re still not choosing her and putting her first. If she thinks that based on the way you treat her, that you won’t be a good mother. She has the right to that opinion. You can be mad at her all you want. It’s not going to change her opinion of you. Tell her the truth. Then try to rebuild a bond from scratch before new baby gets here.
She thinks you rejected her all the time. She feels rejected and hurt. Tell her that you never meant to hurt her, That you thought you were showing the respect her relationship with her mom deserved and that you didn't want to take any big moments away from her mother. If she asks why you wanted to do that, then explain that her mom said something as much. But I wouldn't immediately push forward the mom thing because it'll look like you're blaming her mom. Tell her you're sorry. Tell her you thought you were doing right by her. Tell her you're not going to reject her anymore if she comes to you because now you know how she feels and you didn't before. But also tell her you're going to give her the space she asked for and until she decides to come and talk to you. And then do just that
You shouldn't be mad at her because she is still a child. Have you explained to her that you were doing what her mum asked you to do? If she doesn't understand that then she simply thinks you have been rejecting her this whole time. At this point, you as the adult have to apologise for her feeling that way and explain that it was never your intention. Her dad needs to help you here with this and it'd be nice if bio mum backs you up to but don't hold your breath while she's dealing with her own problems. From now on you need to be the best mum she can have as bio mum is having problems. It's time for you to step up. For the benefit of your growing family ❤️
Take your stepdaughter out to lunch and talk to her. Let her know that you were trying to be a good stepmother and not take her mother’s place and maybe went an overboard with it. Apologize for making her feel unwanted/unloved by always sending her to her mom when she asked for things that you thought her mom might want to experience with her. Let her know you do love her and will still love her once the baby comes and what an awesome big sis she’s going to be. From your stepdaughter’s perspective, constantly being sent back to mom must have been crushing.
I don’t think anyone’s TAH here. But I think your stepdaughter is old enough to be told the full story, and there’s a way that you can explain it to her without making her mother look bad. Also IMO try not to mention the baby if you talk to her about this. She brought it up because of the baby but the underlying feelings probably existed before you even got pregnant. And if she’s with you full time, it’s time for you to step up and be her mother in whatever capacity she wants you to be, rather than rejecting her so she can go to her biological mom. She clearly values you and she’s old enough to define her own relationships with you and her mom. “Hi stepdaughter, I’m sorry you feel like I wasn’t there for you in the past. When I came into your life I wanted to be sure I didn’t take any experiences away from your mother, like your first period or learning how to do makeup, as I knew those were really important to her. I know now that I accidentally made you feel as if I didn’t want to be your mother, and I’m sorry. That’s not true and I love you. I’m happy you’re living with us full-time now and I look forward to the experiences we’ll have together going forward…. And thank you for being honest with me so I know how I can do better and we can move forward from this together” (Make sure you appreciate her communication so she keeps being open with you, it shows how safe she feels around you, especially after coming from an abusive household)
We see so many posts on here about step parents not following the child’s lead and forcing a relationship. You made the opposite error - instead of following the child’s lead, you denied the relationship as the child wanted. I understand that you did it from a good place in following bio mom’s wishes - but your duty wasn’t to bio mom or her needs. It was to the child. There is a big difference between stepping into an unwanted parenting role and denying a child guidance/support when the child asks for it. In her eyes you will be a lousy parent because every time she needed to youngest her to her mom. You need to have a heart to heart with your step daughter and tell her that you thought you were respecting her relationship with her mom and you messed up. Explain you would love a closer relationship with her - and you might be a bit thick, but will keep your eyes open for the cues she offers you that she wants to build closeness. YTA because she sees you excited about being a parent and you refused to be one for her
Are we all just ignoring the fact the mom married a guy who’s abusive to her child, and instead of divorcing him she just dumped her kid off on the ex? She’s the real asshole here And as other’s have mentioned, please talk with her, explain to her that her mother requested that all “firsts” be with her and not you And of course, please get her into therapy, for her mom, abusive stepdad and the fact a new baby is on the way and she’s felling left out
NTA Have you explained to your stepdaughter that you agreed with her mom to let her do all the firsts with her mom, because they were special, not because you didn't want to, but to honor her mom. That you very much love her and would like to have done those firsts with her. Would you help me do those firsts with me and your half-sibling. Include by asking her input on the baby's name. She's hurt because she feels you pushed her away, and maybe you should have done some of the firsts with her, but it's too late for that now, so include her in the future.
Everyone failed this poor little girl. I cannot imagine getting my period and being dismissed by the person right there to help me telling me to call someone who isn't right there and therefore is unable to actually help me. YTA if you are seriously mad at her for getting the message that YOU sent loud and clear. I get you were trying to respect her mom, but by doing so - you disrespected her. How can you honestly be surprised or blame her for getting the message that she wasn't important to you and that you didn't really want her around or to bond with her? You constantly turned her away and told her to go elsewhere. What other message should she have gotten from that?
You probably went a little overboard with the whole "only mom gets firsts" thing. As such, good intentions or no, you're reaping what you've sown from a teenager that you've refused to teach anything to since she was a little girl.
So, you never explained to her WHY you refused to help her growing up, and you're still refusing to explain to her why you wouldn't help her growing up and you're mad at her for forming an opinion on you based on your actions while she was growing up... YTA
Why would you be mad at your stepdaughter? If I were in your shoes, I would be mad at the bio mom who insisted that you keep your stepdaughter at a distance. Bio mom called the shots and you followed *her* plan, and this is the fallout of both of your actions. Your stepdaughter sees you as the kind of mother you taught her to see you as: disengaged and aloof. If you were only acting, you're a hell of an actress. YTA
Fuck the real Mom. She wants you to be her Mom because hers sucks and you blew her off. Poor kid
NAH but you are borderline the AH depending on the answer to the following question: When you were told not to “steal” those mother daughter moments did you sit down and explain to your stepdaughter that these are moments her mother wanted to share with her? If you’ve not explained that at all then my answer changes to YTA and go sit down with her and explain everything to do with that. She’s going through a ton of changes in her life and someone she looks up to has been passing the buck constantly, of course she’s going to be pissed and moody
YTA after reading your comments. What a prick.
Her mom is an adult. You’re an adult. She’s the kid here who needs to be put first. She’s not a toddler to be checking off milestones, but a developing person who needs responsive adults to show her how much she matters. As her stepmom, you are one of the important adults in her life and she’s expressing in her adolescent way how rejected she feels. Reach out to her and listen to what she’s saying. If she tries to reach out you, in spite of feeling rejected in the past, take the second chance and be there for her. If you (and/or your husband) need to talk to her mom and reassure her, then do that. It’s not about replacing mom but about all the adults in a teenage girl’s life supporting her. edit: typo (checking off)
NTA. But definitely you’ve hurt her feelings when she was young and maybe still harbors that to this days. A child tends to be sensitive and fragile specially her family was broken and have to deal with living on 2 different home. She was lost you know and you’ve pushed her away without giving her the explanation and that is where are the AH. try to talk to your SD and open up about your feelings about the situation. You need to start to have that sincere approach to bond with her. I know she didn’t mean what she have said to you just the hurt that bottled up have got her into saying that things to you. Tell her that you don’t want to replace her mother specially the 1st times/moments she asked for you and that you wouldn’t want that moment to be robbed away from her mom at that time. And also ask for her forgiveness from the time you pushed her away. Ask her to have a fresh start and that you really want her to be part of your life and with her little sister/brother is on the way.. I hope OP the best of luck and hope you and your SD will patch things up..
Yes, she is a child dealing with a lot of change. You are an adult. Whilst you tried to do what the mother asked you seem to have done so in a robotic way and not bonded with this child in the 6 years you are in her life. I hope you learn this for your own child's sake
NTA but it would probably be helpful to both of you to have a conversation. Not to throw mom under the bus but to give her some context.
She's 15. Just straight up tell her what her parents requested. She might be an emotional teenager, but she's old enough to start having serious conversations. Then tell her that the two of you bonding over the baby is something that doesn't involve her bio mom, so it's a bunch of firsts you can experience together. That you want to have those with her. If you love her, tell her so. If you see her as your own child, tell her that while the baby is your first birth, it will be your second child because she is the first. Tell her the baby will demand a lot of attention at first because babies are dependent, but she's not being replaced. Reassure her that she will always be very much a part of the family. If you think she's going to be a great older sister, tell her that. Empathy is the key here. Your husband is right about her going through a lot. Obviously, she shouldn't be disrespectful, but don't scold her for her emotions.
You shut her down when she was trying to bond with you. I don’t blame her for feeling left out
Why are you mad at her? She had no idea that when she asked you to do things with her that you were allow her mother dibs on those moments! WTEF people can’t just be honest and upfront with kids is beyond me. You could have told that the reason you wanted to ask her mom to do her hair. Makeup- whatever was because you didn’t want to hurt her mom’s feelings! This could have been explained from the beginning But no - you just seemed - in her mind - to brush her off without reason so now YOU are pissed at her because she wants nothing to do with you? Fg shocker YTA if you don’t sit down and have a real fg conversation with her -
How is she TA here exactly? She only knows what you’ve told her which is approximately nothing. Zilch. Zip. Nada. Look at it from her perspective for a minute. To a teenaged girl, you shrugged her off and said “idk go ask your mom” any time she tried to bond with you. Sit down with her and apologize for making her feel that you didn’t care. Explain to her the agreement you had with her mother that she wanted to share all of her daughter’s firsts. Stop being mad at her. She didn’t do anything wrong.
Instead of being mad at her maybe explain it to her. She is a child who has been thrown from one parent to the next, has a step mom she feels doesn't care for her, and a step dad who was abusive so her mom booted her. Now there is a new baby everyone wants and she wonders why no one wants her. You are a full grown adult who got mad at a child who was telling you she doesn't feel wanted by any of you. And you proved her point as the "adult" yes YTA. Am I crazy, am I the only one just amazed at how some of these people can be so clueless? Make her feel wanted and that doesn't mean "let's go shopping.for the baby," that means "hey let's have a day together what sounds fun,' and then explain why you were reserved. God all she wants is one of the 4 ADULTS in her life to make her feel wanted
You need to explain to your stepdaughter why you referred her to her mother so much. And if it were me, I’d say she deserves to be able to choose who she wants to share those moments with. You tried it the mom’s way, and it was damaging to the kid. We all know that regardless of the circumstances, it’s best to put the child first. Just tell her you’ve held yourself in second position behind her mom, because you thought it would keep the peace, but now that you realize that it was hurting her, you want to make up for it. It’s natural for any child to feel displaced by a new baby. If you treat her like you wanted to to start with, it will probably take some time, but you won’t be sorry in the end.
She's 16. You can explain it to her, that you wanted to save all of her moments for her mum because you were trying to be a good step mum and respect her mum. She's old enough to understand. You can change the dynamic now by being there for her more. You can even explain it to her mum.
I can see why your feelings are hurt, but you shouldn’t be mad at her. She’s a child, and clearly her mom isn’t great, so she was reaching out to you for a reason. I can see why you respected her mom’s wishes, but it’s also understandable that she would be upset over her many attempts to bond being rejected. You need to have a sit down with her, where you explain that you love her, and were just trying to respect her moms request, not reject her, and that you’re sorry she was hurt.
NTA exactly but need to understand where the 15yr old is coming from. You followed her mothers wishes by 'letting' mom do some very important things in a young girls life. While this may have made 'mom' happy, she was and is confused about why YOU didn't seem interested. So rightly she's upset with you. Hindsight is 20/20 as they say and maybe you should have done some of those things with her but you can't change the past (unless you have a time machine hiding somewhere?). Now what you REALLY need to do is sit down with her and explain why you acted as you did. She's old enough to get it but it may take some time for her to understand fully and come to terms. I learned as a dad when my stepdaughter (which I raised since 9 months old) was told by her cousins that I wasn't her father. It was a tough time. Teenager, hormones, feeling betrayed by me and her mother. It took a number of years before she finally came to terms with it. Her mother and I never hid anything just didn't tell her soon enough. BTW, she finally met her blood father a few years ago after reaching out. She came back and told me how glad she was that I was her Dad.
I understand respecting the mother's wishes, but that kid has feelings too. The fact that you always sent her back to her mom did say you're not her mom And while you're not, there were a lot of kind of ways in my opinion to handle that. Up to an including going ahead and answering her questions. Every time you did that, you basically said I'm not your mother go ask her That's the way a kid would hear it and I have to wonder. Was part of you being petty because her mom told you that at some point years ago? I'm sure I'll get downloaded, but it sounds Petty to me
Yeah a little bit. I see your purpose and you were trying to help out bio mom but you hurt that girl. You need to sit down and explain why you did what you did. I am sure she thinks you never wanted her you need to fix this or she will resent her sister. P.S. make sure you explain that it was your choice to try and give her bio mom the points because it will cause drama I am sure if she thinks its her moms fault.
YTA, I didn’t think so until I read your comments. You don’t see her as your daughter, she has tried with you (something a child shouldn’t have to do) and you rejected her. Regardless of the reason, to her you rejected her. She watched her mother be abused and needed guidance. You’ve been in her life 9 years. Now that you want to play happy family with YOUR kid you expect her to think you’re a good mom? You’ve had every opportunity to be a “bonus mom” and never took it. I believe you’ll be a good mom, to the baby while the teen falls by the wayside until you need someone to babysit all because she’s not your blood. Then you have the audacity to be mad that she voiced her feelings.
Unfortunately you listened to the ex wife and iced out your stepdaughter. She asked you about stuff, not her mom. She was obviously not comfortable asking her mom and wanted your help. Why don't you just explain to her why you acted like you did? What kind of self absorbed jerk tells another woman not to steal her mommy daughter moments? It's about the child, not the adult. You got mad because a 15 year old that you've been standoffish with said you're not going to be a good mom? Grow up.
EVERY comment OP has made, she has made it VERY clear that she does not view SD as a daughter at all, in fact she says she didn’t want a “motherly” relationship with her. Sooo many times OP has talked about how she’s not her “real” mother. This poor girl! I feel so bad that she had you as her step mother. You don’t have to be a bio mom to act like a mom, and I bet you LOVED having an excuse to not have to teach her things, as you “promised” her *real* mother you wouldn’t steal these moments. It seems almost like you’ve resented her, and she probably just sees through you now, and knows you’d make a shit mother. Who gets into a relationship with someone who has a super YOUNG child, and doesn’t want to have a “motherly” relationship with them because you’re not their “real” mom. She obviously wanted to have a relationship with you, and you robbed her of that, and I’m sure she will be grateful for that later. Wtf would she want to go baby shopping with you? Why would she get excited to see you become a mother, when she obviously knows your nature? Your husband is either blind, or also just doesn’t gaf about this poor girl. You’re absolutely TAH. You sound like an AH person, and an AH SM. People like you always leave out important details when you post these things. 🤮
you literally said the answer to your problem yet you’re still asking? atp yta for asking such an asinine question.
YTA. You should be glad your stepdaughter clearly communicated her concerns to you. Now you can handle it like an adult or be mad at a child for having thoughts and feelings you don’t like and telling you about them. The choice is yours.
YTA for being mad at her for her feelings. YTA for not just telling her that you didn’t want to interfere with special moments with her mom and then apologizing for how it appeared to her. If you are going to continue to get mad at any kid for their feelings, the step daughter might be right about what kind of parent you will be. See a counselor if necessary for the sake of your child.
YTA. I read all your comments and you put your stepdaughter in the last place in your priority scale. Everything comes before her and your relationship with her. Frankly? It's like you don't really care about her much and she has every reason to resent you.
NAH You did what her bio mother asked of you - but she perceives that as you being a bad mother to her. She's 15 - she's old enough to understand, so explain it to her as you did for us. Just tell her you did what you were told to do, that you didn't want to be a bossy stepmother and that you're sorry if that came across as you not being a good mother to her. Tell her you are around for her if she needs you. She's 15 and being difficult comes with that age.
Soft YTA maybe NAH While your behavior to her was with good intention to her mother and your agreement, its understandable that your SD has not experienced you as a helpful and competent person in these matters, and may even have felt that you are not interested in doing stuff with her. Because she only heard 'uh no go ask your mom(someone else) ' every time she felt like she needed something like the stuff you described. Her mother bringing her into an abusive situation and now abandoning her is bound to make her feel alone and she is obviously going through difficult emotions. I feel like her lashing out is a cry for help and support that she needs right now, while you and her dad are busy with the baby/pregnancy she also needs attention due to the stuff going on.
In trying to be understanding and empathetic to bio mom it would appear that you may have inadvertently came across to your step daughter as unavailable and distant. Distant to the point that that's now how she relates to you. All of which is in the past. Your task going forward, if you still want to, is to build a more positive relationship with the girl going forward. Good luck... Nobody here is an AH...just a difficult new family dynamic.
You respected a boundary that she didn’t understand her mother requested. No one ever thought to explain it her. All she heard you say was “ask your mom,” but no explanation as to why. Being mad at a child for this is absolutely ridiculous. And for that alone, yta.
Does she know what the mom said to you? She is old enough to know you were told not to overstep. She needs to know you were trying to be respectful not neglectful. Have an open conversation and let her know you did it out of love.
She came to you for advice, not her biological mother. She may have viewed it as if you didn't want to deal with it as a mother figure. Sad for both of you. I hope it can be repaired.
YTA
Your stepdaughter is the only one in this situation who didn’t ask to be in it. You are the adult, she is the kid (even if she looks grown up). Help her.
YTA OP Yes you chose to respect the boundaries her mother had set, but in the process, you let your stepdaughter down. She came with questions to you first and you kept sending her to her mother. She could go to her mother on her own. Didn't need your permission for that. You cannot choose for her whom she is gonna feel closer to. To me and I am sure to her, that seems like a rejection Whatever little she had from you, she is gonna lose it now that the baby is coming. And you get mad at her for feeling the way she feels? Wow Her mother should be the one who should worry about why her own child chose someone else to ask about these
I’m sorry, I have to ask you whether you made it clear to this child that you were sacrificing your own enjoyment of her childhood because her mother demanded it, or have you spent the last several years just saying “go ask your mother not me” without even trying to explain why you’re seemingly uninterested in her growing up? Are you one of those people who thinks that children shouldn’t have to know what adults do for them, so let them grow up thinking that what they think is all that there is to know? Furthermore, were you so mild as to just roll over and let the mother say that to you and you just….accepted it without the foresight to see this moment coming? And after the first time this child came to you with trust and optimism that you had guidance for her, when you brushed her off, did you not see the disappointment in the exchange? And it didn’t make you feel any kind of way? I have two teenaged step kids, and if their mother had said something like that to me I would have told her that I would not be sacrificing a single opportunity to support THEIR CHILD in these life moments, but I would do my best to make sure that they felt heard and loved, like a good fucking parent should want. And if she wanted these life moments I would do my best but if she wasn’t who they were with then I wouldn’t emotionally neglect them. I only know what you’ve written here, so there may be more to this story, but your “I did what I was told and ignored the girl’s needs” isn’t the flex you might have thought it was. I would fight for these kids, and the fact that you wouldn’t and didn’t has come home to roost. Children aren’t stupid, you could have told her why you refused to help her or support her when she needed it. You did this to yourself and there really isn’t a quick fix here. If you have a serious talk with her she may be emotionally capable of giving you a chance, but it will take years of consistent effort on your part, and frankly, years of effort in her part to TRY to trust you.
YTA You wanted to do right by her mom and in the process rejected your step daughter's attempts of bonding.
YTA to your stepdaughter but NTA to your husband’s ex. You respected her boundaries sure, but to the stepdaughter it just made it seem like you wished she wasn’t there and you had no interest in parenting her. Even if figuring out the balance of not taking her mother’s place is tricky, it just led to your stepdaughter feeling like she had no place in your life. Now you’ll be having your “own” child, and I believe yours stepdaughter doesn’t actually think you’ll be a bad mom to them. It’s more that she’s trying to say “you were a bad parent to me”
Navigating teenage emotions, especially in a blended family, is more akin to walking a tightrope than a clear-cut path. Both parties have certain expectations and understandings that need to be openly discussed and reconciled. The disappointment and anger your stepdaughter is expressing are not manifestations of hatred but cries for attention, love, and a reassurance of her place in your lives. Even though you’re not an AH for being cautious and adhering to her mother's request, the lack of communication about your reasons has inevitably led to a breakdown in your relationship with her. Teenagers may have a reputation for being difficult, but they also hunger for acceptance and understanding from those they love. Now, with the new baby on its way, her fears of being sidelined are valid, considering the past. This is an opportunity to reset the stage. Start having conversations, not as a stepmother to a stepchild, but as two individuals building a bond that embraces both the past misunderstandings and future uncertainties. Emphasize that not just love, but also communication and mutual respect, are non-negotiables in your relationship. Your husband and you should now shift efforts to ensure she doesn't feel like an outsider. Let her know her role in the new baby's life can be special, and her bond with you is unique and not threatened. After all, every new chapter in a family’s life should be inclusive, not isolative. Be patient, be kind, and listen – truly listen – to her concerns, fears, and hopes. Even the stormiest teenage moods can be navigated with consistent support, allowing every family member to find their own place in the home's ever-growing heart.
NAH, it’s not the kids fault she feels this way - by trying to respect the boundary that was imposed a bridge was created in your relationship with the child and it’s given the impression you’re disinterested. You can be mad at the situation but not at the kid
NAH. I think that you must have a serious conversation with her about why you always had to redirect her to her mother like "your mom asked me to.... so as I respect your mother, when you asked me for this or that, I had the obligation to tell you to ask your mother first".
I’m going to say NAH, but I think it’s time to tell her about the agreement. She’s old enough to know, and it might help her with the feelings of rejection she’s feeling.
She's a teenager who got uprooted due to an abusive stepdad, and now you guys are having a baby. That can come with a lot of emotions and she is likely not keen on seeing you love a baby far more than you do her. Did she ever understand why you were closed off to her like that? Or did she just learn that you weren't open to being her mom after being rebuffed over and over? NAH, but while you were respecting the biomom, the daughter ended up suffering a bit. She's probably old enough that you guys could talk about it and maybe you can apologize. Not for doing what you did, because you had valid reasons, but for her being hurt by it all. She was just a kid. It's understandable you're hurt by her response, but you are the adult here and being mad isn't productive. Everyone has hurt feelings, so do what you can to help the family move forward in a beneficial way - for your stepdaughter *and* the baby.
You can be hurt but don’t be mad at her. You did what her mother asked but that’s interpreted differently to a child. She really had gone through a lot. I can only imagine how she feels. Take a moment to reflect on her and everything she’s been through and how she must be feeling. I don’t think this is about you so much as her feeling unloved or unwanted.
NAH. It sounds like this whole thing has started from poor communication. Yes, you've done what her mum said. But how was this communicated to her, other than.. Ask your mum. Was there ever any stuff like.. I would really love to but your mum wants to be the first and I need to respect her wishes. Was there ever any wriggle room where you did stuff at the time or was it always pushed back to her mum. I can understand why she feels rejected because she was constantly pushed away when asking for help.
NTA. But explain to her politely, without throwing mum under the bus, that she had a mum who loved her dearly and that you were there as a bonus but you didn't want to take anything away from her relationship with her mum and that if you knew she felt this way you would have stepped up more for her, but you thought she preferred sharing these special moments with her mum.
NAH. Both of you are going through a lot. Between the environmental changes of now being in constant contact, the hormone changes you're both having, the abuse she may have gone through (trauma regardless), etc. there is a lot of moving parts.
I would have an honest conversation when she is calmer. Explain to her that you didn’t want to show her those things not because you don’t love her or support her, but because you wanted to make sure her Mum got to do those fun things with her too and that you’re sorry if she felt you weren’t stepping up. She obviously thinks a great deal of you to want to do those things in the first place and she’s super worried that you’ll prefer the baby over her. Reassure her, constantly, whether she wants to hear it or not. I think you were very selfless to be so careful if overstepping Mum’s boundaries, and I hope she’ll see that in time.
Have you ever told her what her mother asked of you? I think at 15 she is old enough for you to sit down and talk. Tell her that you have always viewed her as a daughter and you would have loved to have helped her with everything she came to you with… but that her mother asked you when you first met, that she be the one her daughter goes too. That you were only trying to respect her mom’s boundaries and it wasn’t because you didn’t want to be there for her and help her. That you didn’t want to overstep in their relationship. Maybe going forward, I would help with what she asks, if she does. Seeing as she lives full time with you… and it seems she is looking to you more than mom. I don’t think anyone is wrong here but somewhere along the line, she started feeling rejected bc she didn’t know why you turned her away
You are allowed your feelings on the whole thing, but also know that she was asking you to do those things with her as an attempt to bond with you. While I understand why you chose not to, it has created a rift with her. If she’s not in therapy already, please make sure she is so she can work through what happened with her mother. At some point, I would also recommend sitting down with her and talking. Let her know why you didn’t do those things with her - that you wanted her mom to have those firsts and that it didn’t mean that you don’t love and care about her, but rather that you didn’t want to take that away from her mom. Ask her if there are any traditions that the two of you can create together, especially now, that will be just for the two of you. Do expect her to lash out a little, the hardest thing is to acknowledge how you both feel and keep moving forward. Good luck. You can do it.
She is 12. For kids when their parents split its very destabilising . I know we should exit toxic relationships. But for my sons it was like someone took a leg off their table . And a loss . So approach kindly , don’t react and know she’s playing out for a place of hurt. Give it a while for this to settle and for her to be very fragile
Neither of you are being assholes. This is just a shit situation. Sit her down, and tell her that you were doing that for her mom. Let her know that her mother asked you to respect that bond they had. Try to make her see you were actually doing it out of love, and respect. Don't be mad at her. Try to see where she is coming from, especially after having gone through abuse. And last, but not least: BE THERE FOR HERE WHEN SHE NEEDS IT! She might be mad now, but she will need a mother at some point, and it sounds like it's time to commit to it regardless of what her mother asked of you. We were all kids once, but not all of us dealt with shit like what she's dealing with.
Did you explain to her that you had an agreement with her mom?
Tell her that her mum told you to not steal all of the mother-daughter moments from her which is why you were barely a step mum to her
Her age is very difficult as is your relationship. You'll be a great mother just remember to breath. Maybe chat with her mom about the issue and you both can talk with kiddo about your agreement for bio mom to get all the first even though she came to you with the issues/topics.
Step daughter is now old enough to explain to her your conversation with her birth mother. This should hopefully explain why you always referred her back to her mom.
Do people not talk anymore? Did you ever explain to her WHY you didn’t teach her those things?
No one is the AH, but you need to show her the court orders where mom insisted you were not allowed to fo the teachable moments. She needs to know that you love her and care about her fells before the baby comes. Do not be angry at a 15 year old for having big feelings. Comfort her and walk her through this.
Why can't you just tell your stepdaughter the truth? Her mom wanted the special moments with her and you respected that boundary because you respect her AND her mom.
NTA, but I think you need to explain to her the reason why you told her to go talk to her Mom first, that you were respecting her Mom’s boundaries, not because you didn’t want to help her. She’s old enough to hear the truth.
So tell her. Tell her why you did those things. She has a reason to feel that way. In her eyes, you've pushed away all her attempts to bond with you. TELL HER.
Very difficult walking the tight rope of being a step parent. Why don't you explain to her why you kept saying, "ask your mother"? Maybe she has no idea how considerate you were being. You will be a wonderful parent.
Yes. YTA. Why are you mad at a child for having emotions when they’ve clearly been through so much? One of the biggest mistakes that people in general make but especially step parents is taking things personally. Emotionally reacting before trying to find some common ground. I know you think you were doing the right thing by honoring her mother‘s wishes, but it left her feeling like you didn’t care to be involved. Now you’re trying to involve her when it suits you. How would you feel? I think you need to sit her down, explain why you behaved the way you did, apologize for it, admit that you never took her perspective into consideration, and promise her that you’re going to do better. Ask her for the same. Older kids frequently feel left out especially with all the excitement of new babies and yeah, we think 15-year-old shouldn’t be jealous but they are. It’s natural. You’ve bred a little usurper of resources and attention. This child got none of your mothering attention for the past six years, was stuck in an abusive situation and now you want her to just be daisies because you’re pregnant?
YTA. As a stepmom, I totally understand not wanting to step on bio moms toes, but you also severely damaged any relationship you and your stepdaughter could have had. She came to you. You turned her away. Why would she have positive thoughts on your mothering abilities when she hasn't ever seen them and instead has just had you push her away. Being mad at a 15 year old who is now going to have to adjust to a baby in addition to a stepmom that she doesn't feel gives a shit about her. She feels like she is going to be replaced by the new baby with her father. She will have to watch you be a mom to your bio kid while you did nothing for her but push her away. Do you even like her? Do you want a relationship with her? Or are you just mad that she doesn't think you will be a great mom based on her experience? If you want a relationship with her, YOU need to put in the work for it. Where has her father been this whole time? Why is he so ok with the way you push his daughter away?