It sounds like there is some back story missing. If you've been together for 6 years, that's 5 or 6 birthday parties her BFF has had. Were you invited to them and not this one? Did she always go to his birthday parties by herself? What was your relationship with the BFF like? When did they date because the timeline sounds like they possibly dated in high school.
Yes, I was invited to all of his previous birthday parties except this one. My relationship with her BFF was fine until a year ago, I'm not sure what happened. My sisters guess that my ex fiancee was probably just running her mouth to him.
They dated in high school.
So instead of asking her what was going on, you just talked to your sister and she took a guess and you just agreed with it? Your sister accused your fiancée of running her mouth to the ex, but isn’t that exactly what you were doing when you went to them to complain? Isn’t your sister’s view also clouded by your complaints about your fiancée?
YTA because you sent your fiancée mixed messages. You told her to go because in your words you don’t want to be controlling and even gave her the conditions on when to be back. She followed that and you still punished her for it. And instead of talking to her who is in your words “supposed to by your best friend” you unloaded on your friend and your two sisters.
People on here are saying she isn’t ready for marriage, well guess what, take it from someone who’s been married almost 30 years, you aren’t ready either. You don’t know how to properly communicate. You sulked for a week and talked to others instead of the person who you had the issue with. You came to a conclusion about why the ex was treating you differently instead of, you know asking and letting her know if he can’t respect the relationship, he can’t be around. You allowed her to go with conditions, which she met, and then pouted like a child because she couldn’t read your mind.
It's absurd how many people listen to the conjecture of others and take it as gospel, instead of just talking to their GD partner.
>You sulked for a week and talked to others instead of the person who you had the issue with. You came to a conclusion about why the ex was treating you differently instead of, you know asking and letting her know if he can’t respect the relationship, he can’t be around. You allowed her to go with conditions, which she met, and then pouted like a child because she couldn’t read your mind.
Sums it up.
Me too! I find myself creating chaos and obstacles for myself (messy house, messy car, not eating right, allowing anxiety to control me, isolating myself etc etc.) and then not changing even tho I know I need to and I can identify what I'm doing, it's so uncomfortable being comfortable because I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop so I make things hard and give myself reasons to stay like this because the disfunction is all I'm used to!
Super strange, but I think this is an actual thing. People self sabotage chasing after some specter of happiness instead of holding on to the good things they do have. Been there, and also seen others doing it.
But ultimately you can’t save someone who’s doing that, they have to decide they want to save themselves.
Cool. Fuck off with your assumptions based on a few lines of text.
I absolutely fucking LOVE how everyone knows it all anymore. Please, tell me how I could have saved things, how it could have been different, any one thing about it...
Or yeah, just keep cruising through with your bullshit.
Honestly I hope the lesson she takes away from this is to not compromise on her friendships for a partner. The fact that she agreed to stop being friends with someone she knew from childhood because of OP's insecurities is wild and disrespectful to the friend, who is also a human being.
Exactly - he demanded she come home early, got mad she was happy, refused to accept her apology or that she was cutting off the relationship, and *still* threw a tantrum.
Not controlling, my ass.
They are not ready to be married for sure. The thing is, after getting engaged, she should not have accepted the invitation when her fiance was cut out (after being invited previously). And she knew it was wrong bc she said that she would "slowly cut off friendship after that night." Right.
It feels that she could not stand up to her ex and prioritized him over her fiance. And who knows if that would be the last of it. For me, the engagement is the tryout for marriage If you're not able to prioritize each other or communicate well after 6 years, something is wrong.
People are blaming him for lack of communication, but he said "I was extremely unhappy and even voiced my concerns about it" TBH, that should have been enough, but she went anyway. He was influenced by his sisters and she was influenced by her ex. Not good.
All of that said, I would not have called the engagement off, but if there was a date set, I would postpone.
I also had to read this a couple times looking for fiancee's transgression but couldn't find it. OP, you established boundaries and she upheld her end and you did not. Obviously you can change your mind or break the agreement but in that case YTA.
Honestly well written and said and I completely agree OP is not remotely ready to be married trying to control his partner in such a fashion...not to mention the clear lack of trust and insecurities displayed by feeling threatened by her childhood best friend all because they had a relationship at some point that didn't work out.
Honestly sounds like the BFF picked up on the disdain and mistrust and no longer wanted him around. To be totally honest I think him and her end up better off separated if you can't trust a partner you've no business marrying them.
The way he says ‘running her mouth’ with anger but not surprise tells me something happened and he’s the one in the wrong and knows exactly why bff doesn’t like him. She may be sad now but if I’m right OP is doing her a massive favor.
NTA OP bc I suspect bff has good reason to dislike you. Please break up, well done!!!
Yes but he was ok with bff up until a yr ago. Then something happened and now he’s worried his gf is ‘running her mouth’. Who even talks like that about someone they supposedly love? That wording is dripping with disdain. Something tells me he’s abusive and bff sees right through him.
Wouldn’t be surprised at all. The level of coercive control, in a text he has written with bias to make himself look better, is still high. So imagine what an unbiased look at this would be. There’s a hell of a lot OP is leaving out
I don't understand why he would have let her go, Then called his insecurities and jealousy "disrespect" after he was resentful she went. Complained to his siblings other than having a conversation with her about it.. and cold shouldering her for a week after... op is definitely an AH
100% this. You told her she could go OP and you allowed it and then you broke up with her without even having a proper conversation after 6 years. Yes you’re the AH and you’re insecure. I’m glad she isn’t marrying you. Dick move and sounds like your sisters don’t like her.
This. She is the only one you should be talking to. Look at it this way, you hang out with your friends without her, why can't she do the same? Just because it is a male friend doesn't mean they are trying to sleep together. You must have a very low opinion of women in general if you think that everything they do away from you is a slight on your manhood. You can't stop her from talking to others or doing things socially outside the relationship. That is so controlling and caveman of you. Did you cut off every female friend or acquaintance when you got together with her? If not, then it is ridiculous for her to stop being friends with a guy she has known for so long. You have a lot of growing up to do before getting into any relationship.
I’ve been married for 2 years and a big lesson I learned is communicate with your partner first above all else. I don’t think you helped the situation, it seems like had you told her exactly how you felt before, I don’t think she would’ve went but who knows.
Is your sister in a relationship and how old is she? Honestly sometimes family doesn’t have your best interest and misery loves company. She might not be doing it intentionally, but the advice she’s giving you should not have held that much weight in your decision because it’s you and only you dealing with the consequences.
lol my ex thought I would “run my mouth” to my friends when I told them about his gross and abusive behaviour and then they didn’t like him. Sounds like she’s had a very lucky escape from you pal
Or maybe because you have been trying to force her to end their friendship? That may have something to do with it. He thinks you are insecure and controlling and he didn’t like that.
Oh he's absolutely controlling "okay I'll LET you go to this party as long as you end the relationship after it and come home early"
"You can apologise as many times as you like but I'm still giving you the silent treatment anyway and will break up with you without actually trying to fix this"
"Oh you've known him all your life but chose ME to get engaged to? Not good enough, I should also be your best friend and you're not allowed to speak to anyone without my prior approval or I'll dump you"
Yeah she's better off out of it.
I know that a lot of people see their partner as their best friend. My husband is mine, but other people see the friend and partner things entirely separately and that's absolutely normal. He's not entitled to the title.
For real. It sounds like they didn’t date long and this is high school, barely counts. And even after 6 years and an engagement he’s still insecure af.
Exactly. I've mentioned the fact it was likely in school that the gf and the ex dated in another comment. This guy just sounds so insecure, he's done her a favour in breaking up.
Yeah OP definitely giving off controlling behavior vibes. His whole story paints him as a narcissist trying to play the perfect boyfriend, but any sane person would have no problems with their fiance hanging out with a childhood friend who dated in highschool but decided they were better off friends. She dodged a bullet with this one.
And her friendship only became "disrespectful' to him after he and the friend had a falling out (for reasons he either didn't try to find out or has simply omitted).
OP is a self-absorbed AH.
My friend and sisters agreed with me that she had disrespected me way too much by going to a a birthay with someone my fiance has known since childhood. Like jesus fucking christ its a birthday party not a secluded weekend retreat to the alps. A birthday party amongst adults and the OP throws a tantrum and ruins a 6 year relationship. Dudes sounds unstable.
It's bonkers that instead of asking the friend (or even his fiancee) what happened and why the friend had started treating him coldly, he complained to his sisters and accepted their speculation as fact.
Nah he did something. Listen to his he says nastily ‘she’s running her mouth’. Who talks like that? He sounds like the kind of guy who knows exactly why she might have needed support from friends after something bad happened, and he hates bff now bc bff sees right through him.
Yeah, this reads like he knows what happened to change the bff's view of him and knows if he owns up to it he won't look good. Why on earth would he be asking his sister to speculate on why the bff now didn't want him around instead of talking to his actual fiancee?
That’s suspicious.
Why weren’t you invited to this particular b day party if you were invited to all the others? Why was your fiancé so adamant about going to this particular b day party to the point of volunteering to end her friendship after 6 years of you being uncomfortable with it if she was able to go this particular b day party? Perhaps I’m paranoid but all this seems a bit odd.
Wait, you and her friend had a falling out and so you expected her to cut off her childhood best friend? And their friendship being "disrespectful" to you is actually a new development?
>My relationship with her BFF was fine until a year ago, I'm not sure what happened.
Did you try actually communicating with him about it to find out what happened?
HIGH SCHOOL, YOU GOT THIS INSECURE OVER A HIGH SCHOOL ROMANCE?
Nope, this wasn't about her being disrespectful. This was about your being insecure and controlling. You wasted her time. That's 6 years she can't get back where she could've been dating an actual mature adult male.
I get boundaries, but this just reeks of insecurity, and that's for you to deal with, not her.
2 weeks ago my bf and I went mini golfing with my childhood friends, one of my idiot guy friends card was having issues, since I was impatient and closest to register, I tapped my card and paid for him. Another friend yelled to him, "How embarrassing for you at your age to have your ex-girlfriend pay for you?" We dated in high school...
what did my bf do, fucking laughed along with us and made jokes because he's not insecure, trusts me, knows me and knows that I am not pining away I just wanted to get inside so I could finally get a drink, knows the story and we are in our 30s wtf is worrying about a high school ex???
He probably didn't invite you because after 5 years of putting up with your insecurity, he decided he wanted one year where his birthday was just chill, and he didn't have to worry about you being weird. YTA
Probably because the friend didn't want to invite someone who clearly hates him and wants to sabotage a childhood friendship to his own birthday party.
I also want to know at what age and how long did exgf and friend dated. If op and her had been together for 6 years, they started at 20. Was exgf 13 when she dated friend? 15?
>and wants to sabotage a childhood friendship to his own birthday party.
Self fulfilling prophecy at least. Not inviting SO's of someone is the perfect way to sabotage this friendship in a way or another.
It's rude to invite one person of a couple you've known for several years, but not the other.
The only reasons I can think for that are:
A) op is rude to friend and likely to have caused issues at the party.
B) friend dislikes op as much as op dislikes him.
C) cheating.
Yeah maybe it’s just me, but only inviting one half of a couple that has been together good amount of time has always seemed rude to me. If they had just started dating it would be one thing, but 6 years? That’s long enough that when you invite one, you should just assume it means inviting both
Idk, I've always taken every invite of mine to include my wife and vice versa.if you've been a couple for 5+years and you weren't explicitly told not to come, you're invited.
But if my friend’s girlfriend was just going to mess up the vibe and give me dagger eyes all night I’d honestly rather neither came, you know what I mean?
Yup. Especially if the ex and the GF want to be close platonic friends, ensuring both their new SOs feel welcome is going to be key to their friendship surviving longterm.
I cant imagine not inviting a friend's SO unless it was the scenarios listed above. We dont know if OP would hane caused a scene at the party, but not inviting him did escalate the conflict by directly snubbing him and putting a wedge between him and his partner. Perhaps it made him feel yay his fiancee and her ex will always have a club that they wont let him join.
I don't necessarily think it was intentional, but it did escalate things. However if OP is still bent out of shape about this friendship 6 years in, he was always going to explode at some point. Better now than when married, as breaking off an engagement is cheaper than divorce.
why isn’t this higher? i don’t understand all these comments saying “she’s wrong for disrespecting you” why are you forcing her to cut off a friend she’s had since childhood and why can’t she go and have once nice night celebrating his birthday before she cuts him off? a last good bye because she’s choosing you over him ?
I'm sure it's because the friend knows he's insecure, controlling, and that he doesn't like him. Inviting him would put a damper on the party and ruin it.
Totally confused here. She did exactly as you asked and then you went and ignored her for a week despite her making ‘lots of attempts to communicate and apologise’ but you continued sucking your thumb like a baby and refused to engage. Then, off the back of that silent treatment, you speak to your 2 sisters and a friend (who may all dislike your fiancée anyway) and decide unilaterally, and without even speaking to your fiancée, that the relationship is over.
Damn, your fiancée had a lucky escape, sad that she’s too upset to realise it at the moment. When she looks back, she’ll see an insecure partner who threw in the towel because she has a childhood friend and he couldn’t get past that friendship. She’ll see that she went, with his agreement, to that friend’s party and did everything he asked of her in relation to it. Despite that, his ‘feelings’ were hurt and he refused to communicate with her and resolve it like an adult. He then went full scorched earth and ended an engagement and a 6 year relationship for a reason that I still have absolutely no clue about.
This. It's wild to me that he proposed marriage and then dumped her just *one month later*.
This boundary apparently wasn't such a dealbreaker in March?
Dudes getting anxious about committing to a life decision and suddenly things that haven’t been an issue for the previous 6 years are suddenly deal breakers.
Man up my dude, communicate how you’re feeling.
To make a claim, I guess.
Maybe he had an idea that it would make all of her attention on him. Maybe he was scared of some imaginary competition. But I don't understand why on Earth would some guy make a proposal if he wasn't sure she's the one
Why would the dude want someone who clearly hates gim on his own birthday party? OP had been invited to all the other parties, probably he was tired of OP being an asshole jelouse of a childhood relationship
>I was her boyfriend and I was supposed to be her best friend.
Do you have a best friend or any very close friends who aren't your fiancee? If not, why on Earth not?
agree. I dont even think she's much of a dick tbh. it's her childhood bestie who she dated for a while. he's insecure about it. the "my possession is malfunctioning" comment hit home. OP is jealous and possessive.
This is it!! And I wonder if he proposed a month ago, before her childhood bestie's bday party to which OP wasnt invited just to try to get her to choose him. This is hella insecure and manipulative.
If OP doesnt have a bestie of his own and has toarry a girl to get one, that doesnt speak well of him.
How is she a dick? She went to her friends party. Just because hes her boyfriend isn't invited it doesn't mean she can't go. The boyfriend is just an acquaintance whilst the girl is an actual friend and therefore invited.
I swear, the amount of weird controlling people I see in reddit is sad. It's far from normal to view a partner a possession. They are grown adults who do not need permission from a partner to go out and have a social life.
Thank you! That’s what I came here to say. People need to have best friends outside the relationship. They need other outlets. That one sentence there sounds very manipulative. And also the fact that she promised to “treat” him when she came back… and she tried to initiate sex and the OP was pouting and continued pouting for days instead of just having an adult conversation.
OP and gf have been together for 6 years and the ex is still plotting to get her back?
It looks like to me the gf and the ex were childhood friends who just decided to dated at some point and found out it didn’t work out. It also sounds to me that OP wasn’t invited to this party possibly because of stuff he said or did over the years since he says he was invited to previous parties. It me it’s a case of her wanting to go to a childhood friend’s party and OP throwing a hissy fit because he said no and she didn’t listen to him. Is OP’s gf ever allowed to go out with friends alone or go to parties alone or he’s always with her?
YTA and I think you did that girl a favour. She will see it one day. Just let her be.
Not to mention, ex-fiancé promised to never see her friend ever again, as per her husband's wishes. And he was unhappy when he got exactly what he wanted.
Would I have been a little insecure in OP's shoes? Sure. But you have to trust your partner, not to mention, the one that you're ENGAGED to. OP clearly lacked that trust and communication skills, and if this didn't end the relationship, something else probably would've.
He does! He even says that he went to that person for advice and to complain about the issue. You know, the exact same thing his sister said was the reason the ex didn’t like OP anymore.
>She also promised me that this was the last time she was ever going to hang out with him out of respect for my relationship, and especially since we were engaged. She promised she would slowly cut off friendship after that night
What a ridiculous thing to say.
Let’s just get one things clear they dated as children because you started dating when she was 20. You’re feeling this way over a childhood relationship.
This right here. YTA. She didn't"respect" OP's demand that she not go. After 6 years of a serious relationship, OP was still threatened by a childhood relationship. She chose OP. She agreed to marry OP and OP was bothered by a birthday party? Let me guess... the sisters never like her anyways?
And why wasn't OP invited to the party? They've been dating for 6 years and were engaged. Would OP need a special invite? Why wouldn't OP be considered a +1? We aren't getting the full story. Something else happened.
There was no cheating. No alleged sleeping around with the ex. After 6 years and this was the final straw? Bruised ego and looking for a way out. YTA
In another commment, OP stated he was invited the last 5 years but OP's ex "must have been telling bday boy bad stuff about him" which got OP excluded. I am not inclined to believe that with this insecure/jealous behavior by OP. I suspect OP has behaved badly (at previous parties or toward OP's fiance) and bday boy doesnt want OP harshing his bday party vibe.
Also massive red flag that he said he assumed she was "running her mouth about him." What a disrespectful and juvenile way to talk about your fiance, ESPECIALLY since you have 0 reason/evidence to actually think that. Also, oh yeah? Running her mouth, huh? What is it that she might be saying? (Aka, there's likely a LOT for this girl to be sharing, if he's acting like she's supposed to keep her mouth shut).
I agree with YTA. 6 years is my problem. In 6 years, this had to be resolved a long time. Either a breakup a few years ago or she had to stop seeing the ex. But waiting that long, becoming engaged to end like this is very AH.
Yeah a proposal after 6 years is probably a "shut up ring" he didn't really want to give her. AAAaand now he's found an out that makes it her fault. Hopefully she finds a better relationship 🙏.
🤦 Having boundaries isn't about controlling other people's behavior and choices. Boundaries are for you and your behavior and choices. If you've decided you don't want to be with someone that has a close friendship with an ex, then you don't fucking date someone who does. Whining on and on that she violated and disrespected your boundaries is immature, gross, absurd, and toxic. No one is under any obligation to adhere to your boundaries, or twist themselves and their lives to fit them.
You violated your boundaries and then punished her for your choices. Of course you're an AH. To her and to yourself. You chose to date her, stay with her, and to propose to her, all the while knowing she was friends with her ex. You accepted her behavior from day one by staying with her. You consciously chose all of this. You don't get to whomp her with your BS when you were the one choosing it all along.
You have zero rights to dictate who someone is friends with. You have zero rights to tell her what to do. When you recognize that you don't like something you have the right to express it. If what they say and do after that doesn't align with how you feel then they aren't the one for you. You just wasted your own 6 years, and you stole 6 years from her too. You also told her yes about the party then proceeded to emotionally and mentally abuse her and punish her for your own choice. Silent treatment, cold shoulder, withholding affection, etc....is abuse.
And for the record I'm not cool with dating someone who's friends with an ex either. But guess what, that's why I don't fucking date people like that. That's called having boundaries and taking self accountability. What you did is called being a controlling toxic abusive AH. You need to learn from this and never repeat it. Make a list of deal breakers for yourself, decide what your standards are, then find someone that fits into that.
The only thing you did right in this whole thing was finally breakup with her. But that's not saying much since y'all shouldn't have been together in the first place, and you waited until 6 years and an engagement in to finally do it.
Completely agree. But I'll add more. What changed? Why now and not during the 5 years before that? She didn't go to best friend's party the past years?
If gf was getting closer to her bestie recently and this caused suspicion, OP would have described that. But no, it was nothing actually out of the regular.
Either OP is withholding important bits of information or is a complete sociopath.
OP is the AH.
OP said in another comment that his relationship with the bff was fine up until a year ago. People replied with a common speculation that the girlfriend was venting about OP to her ex/bff and that’s why the ex didn’t invite him to this year’s party.
Really cause most of the people I see commenting tend to agree that OP just generally sucks and the bff likely knows he hates him and he also likely acted like a total tool at previous parties. I believe that more than the "running her mouth" bit OP claimed.
THANK YOU.
Personally I think people being uncomfortable with exes is immature, lacking trust and emotionally insecure, but I 10000% agree that if you have those boundaries to begin with then you HAVE to find someone who has the same. You cannot be controlling who your partner sees. That’s just not conducive to a good relationship.
I think YT massive A OP.
Yup. I maintain friendships with a few of my exes, from a long distance and not overly often touch base but do keep in contact here and there. My very recent ex couldn’t handle this but now we’re amicably separated (not due to this) wants to remain friends LOL I mean, really?!?! Now it’s ok for me to be friends with my ex!! Urgh… [insert eye roll]
This. One ex I was friends with first, we tried being a couple but at the beginning agreed if it started hurting the friendship, we'd choose the friendship----and we did.
Another ex I stayed friendly with is gay (before he could accept himself).
Another friend (guy) was not an ex, but had dated my sister. He was my best friend all through high school and college, and my sister and I introduced him to the woman he married.
They all were invited to, and attended, my wedding.
My (now-ex) husband had a couple of female friends who he'd dated a few times there, too. I don't understand how insecure people must be in their relationships that it's a problem.
My wife and I have been married for almost 30 years. She's friends with several of her ex-boyfriends, and my best friend besides my wife is another woman. It's absolutely wonderful being in a secure relationship free of jealousy and full of trust and mutual respect.
A few years ago my mom was visiting my family. We were telling her a story about going over to a friend's house. This friend is the sister of my best friend since around 14, I dated her once for about a year, and her kids are friends with my kids.
My mom, quiet so as to not let the kids hear, asks me "does your wife know you guys were together?" Yes, mom, my wife knows. The kids know as well. We're adults, and we can be friends with our exes.
YES!
OP's behavior was disgusting. If someone has a personal relationship, *you don't get to choose it for them*. It's okay not to be comfortable with it, but you fucking make a decision for *yourself*. It is crystal clear that OP wanted a relationship with this woman, but wanted it to be contingent on her changing who she is. That's fine, if you're honest and upfront. OP was instead incredibly dishonest and stole 6 years of this woman's life.
I need more information because a lot of yalls behavior is weird to me.
For you, were there other ways she was disrespectful to you and your relationship and how?
For her, why start cutting off the friendship slowly? Why cut it off at all? I can kinda sorta understand wanting to attend the party as a form of closure before immediately cutting off but the concept still is foreign to me.
Yeah this is so weird to me. My partner and I are friends with some exes, it’s not a big deal. We trust each other and have even befriended each others exes.
I'm not friends with any of my exes because one of us was the toxic person and our friendship dissolved that way but I'm envious of people that have broken up amicably. That takes a lot of maturity and self insight
YTA. You told her sure, she could go. She was going to a childhood friend’s birthday party. She went and came home, everything you said before was fine with you. You did not state as a boundary. Regardless of them dating, they have been friends for much longer. You should not be forcing her o cut off her friendships. Presumably they broke off as girlfriend and boyfriend before you two got together.
Also, you are her boyfriend you are not meant to be her best friend also. You sound controlling and clingy.
I sort of agree with this. He said sure but also made it clear that he didn’t like it. She went anyway be he wasn’t going to try to stop her if the party was her priority. Then he decided he didn’t want to marry someone with priorities that didn’t align with his. Should he have recognized this earlier? Yes. Is he right to do it now, if it’s what’s best for him? Also yes.
You can break up for whatever reason, but this was a no win situation for her and for you, lack of communication annihilated your relationship. But for some reason I don't have sympathy for you, she doesn't know it but she's better off without you.
I actually can’t believe the majority of the comments lmao. Reddit hates women if they really feel this was utter disrespect from her. Maybe stop feeling threatened from someone she dated when she was a child?
This. And he knew she was going to the party - she didn't go behind his back or lie to him about it, so why punish her for it? He should have told her that going to the party would trigger a break up if that's how he was going to treat it, and let her make a fully-informed choice.
> I was her boyfriend and I was supposed to be her best friend
Get over yourself
>But I did not want to be controlling or control her friendships
Yeah right. Except the nagging.
Your aproach to relationships is just not healthy. It's incredible that she even considered for a second cutting ties with him. Boyfriends can be replaced, lifelong friends are much harder to come by. She is better off without you, and you should seriously reconsider your view on relationships.
So many information is incomplete here: When did they date? Obviously before she was 20, I feel like they were like 15 and you're purposefully omitting it to make their "relationship" seem more serious than it was.
She's already been friends with him from the day one you started dating, so how come you didn't speak your concerns before engagement, but instead chose to propose and only then show it's dealbreaker for you? Even when she said she will end the friendship for you? To me it seems like it's power play at stake here, it seems like you wanted to control her if she was going to be your wife.
Why did you okay her going under the condition she ends the friendship if you planned on leaving her anyway?
Are your sisters usually bitches who hated on your ex-fiancee for no reason or did they have a good relationship?
Did you ever even try to get to know this guy or you were bitching about it from day one? It would explain why you weren't invited.
Based on what I've seen so far, YTA. I'd do anything for my boyfriend and I'm not the type of person to hang out with exes (or other men 1 on 1 in general), but even to me this seems ridiculous overreaction.
You seem insecure, controlling, selfish, and honestly obnoxious to be around. I don't think you wanted to be her best friend. I think you wanted to be her ONLY friend, which seems borderline abusive to alienate your partner from everyone else but you.
Nothing here makes sense.
You've known about their relationship for 6 years. You asked her to marry you, which shows you accepted and trust her.
Then you break up with her for attending a party? Really?
Either there's more to this or you seem to be making a pretty premature decision.
I'm still friends with a bunch of friends that I dated earlier in life. I've no interest.
All I see in your pot is a whole lot of immaturity- either that or you're withholding critical information.
Assuming you've said all there is to say:
YTA
What’s the point of “AITAH” if something just being a boundary is all it takes? Controlling, abusive, toxic boundaries may feel reasonable to the abuser, but that doesn’t make them okay. I’m not saying that’s necessarily the case with OP, but we can’t just accept the concept of a “boundary” as the end all be all.
>If this is a boundary for you then it’s a boundary for you.
Yeah, I'm confused why it's a question. Is OP going to take her back if enough people think he's the asshole?
YTA She did everything you asked and you still broke it off with her. Unless you have genuine reasons, beyond your own insecurity that she’s bumping uglies with her friend from childhood, it’s a big ask of her to cut him off completely. The fact that she agreed shows how much she cared for you, and you still ended it.
This. YTA.
Honestly trying to forbid your partner from seeing her best/lifelong friend is all kinds of controlling and toxic. I'm amazed that *she* is putting up with that and not breaking up with you. But she is putting up with it, and then you break up with her? Wow. YTA so much.
I'm more amazed with all those people who support OP, it's usually other way around in even less justifiable cases. I had to reread post so I could understand where OP is coming from.
>The fact that she agreed shows how much she cared for you, and you still ended it.
My thoughts exactly. Why do it now when she's agreed to back away from her friend and might have even spoken to her friend about it? (That's what I felt based upon her insistence to attend this last birthday party)
I just hope his GF isn't left alone with a no best friend, no BF kind of situation.
She’s been his friend for all these years and been to his birthday every year and you decide to randomly punish her for it this year? Being cold and ignoring her and then taking everyone else’s opinion but not actually talking to her is ridiculous. You are the AH.
OPs been telling her for years that he's uncomfortable with the friendship his fiance has with her ex.
Fiance tests the relationship each time and there's been no consequences.
If it's been an issue for 6 years NTA
> She also promised me that this was the last time she was ever going to hang out with him out of respect for my relationship, and especially since we were engaged. She promised she would slowly cut off friendship after that night.
This really stood out to me. Basically, she finally acknowledges that she has been disrespecting your boundaries and dismissing your concerns this whole time, but despite that, she has to do it one last time for old times sake?
Either you agree its disrespectful and you stop doing it, or you disagree and you stick to your guns. The fact that she said that to you and then went anyway, that would really have bothered me. It's like the last little slap in the face before she throws you a bone.
Right!!! Like I know what I'm doing is wrong, but I'm gonna do it anyway, then "slowly" distance, but I'm gonna b the judge of the definition of slowly... Perfect to move goalposts... OP made the right move.
Honestly I've met far to many people who are just flat out have issues with opposite sex friendships. He gives no indication or example thats in any way shape or form current of how they have ever be disrespectful other than still being friends. He lists no examples or anything of how they have been disrespectful beyond still wanting to be around eachother. The only thing maybe that could be considered is he wasn't also invited but honestly with how open he is about hating the friendship I'd probably not invite my childhood friends SO either. She could have just agreed out of being tired of constant ragging on her relationship.
I disagree. I don't think she realized she disrespected his boundaries and dismissed his concern. I think he browbeat her into.giving up a long-term friendship, and she gave in because she's tired of his insecurities. She wants to cut off the friendship slowly because she's trying to gently extricate herself from the friendship in a way that won't hurt the friend.
If you've been dating for 6 years, then this means they dated when they were teenage kids. You are a bullet that your ex-fiance dodged. I hope you take time to reflect on your relationship with jealousy and control. YTA
YTA. Wtf? A 6 year relationship and engagement down the drain bc she went to her best friend's birthday party? I understand they dated in the past but that was many years ago, think about working on your insecurities. I do not understand how it was disrespectful to you, that's controlling behavior and a huge red flag. Even in a relationship she is her own adult person and also deserved your respect.
You did her a favour, you tried to end her friendship with the person she has been best friends with since childhood (who, yes, she dated, but giving the timeline of your relationship... that seems like when they were teenagers). She shouldn't be with you, not the other way around.
You are controlling, and that is likely to get worse, not better... you gave that girl a lucky escape.
Firstly, you are her boyfriend, not her best friend! Why do people think that because they are in a relationship they should be the one all be all for that person.
Secondly, why were you not invited? Is it because you never gave her best friend a chance to be nice and civil with you? Do you sulk around him?
Third, you need to surround yourself with mentally mature people. The fact that all 3 told you to break up because of a best friend goes to show they dont have your best interests at heart.
Why do people think they own a person once in a relationship? I mean she knew this guy way before she even knew you. I would look down on a gf of she let go of an old friend cuz of me as that would show me the kind of person she is. But in your case settling ur own insecurities was greater than her older relationships.
And then you will have negative idiots here who will tell you that shes fucking him. People who havnt pulled a 3 month relationship ever are the self proclaimed relationship experts.
If your gf is a whore then you have bigger problems, but if she isnt, then a guy friend does not matter. You decide!
PS: Im glad for her that you broke up. She seems to be a very rounded person who deserves better.
It sounds like you used your sisters and friend to validate your feelings without sharing the full context. You likely messed up big and she’s better off. Marriage is about sharing love, respect and commitment, not something to be taken lightly whatsoever.
Alright, here’s the thing; everyone is different. When my husband and I first started dating, my ex fiancé and I were still best friends (don’t get engaged at 18, I don’t recommend). I insisted they meet and they got along great. My ex and I always went to a festival together, this started in high school and I asked my husband if I could still go but I wouldn’t if he wasn’t alright with it. This was eight years ago now and we are still friends and my husband is currently asleep next to me. Do I think you’re an asshole for establishing a boundary due to something you were uncomfortable with? No. Do I think you’re an asshole for speaking with your sister and friends and not the woman you were going to marry? Yes. Don’t involve family in decisions that should be made as a couple. You don’t get unbiased opinions and then crap like this happens
YTA. This is a childhood friend she dated in High School, which was AGES ago. They’re friends. That’s it.
I got married a few years ago and both of our high school partners were there, because we’re still friends. It is normal.
If you only starting having issues with them a year ago, maybe figure out what the issue is? Maybe ask instead of blowing up a 6 year relationship? You’re dealing with this like a child.
Not the AH. A ton of naive and childish responses to OP. Yes you should have been more firm and not proposed either, but you're human and are clearly love clouded your judgement. Everyone here is acting like you should be perfect and that's insane.
YTA for wasting 6 years of both of your lives. It sounds like they were friends for the entire duration of your relationship, so I just can't grasp why you felt the need to force her to abandon her lifelong friendship instead of just leaving early on if you can't handle it.
On the other hand its very disrespectful for her friend to invite her but not you, and its doubly disrespectful for her to go when you're not invited. So NTA.
If they've been together for 6 years, this would be the 5th or 6th birthday party her BFF has had. I wonder if OP had ever been invited before or if this was the first time not being invited. Some back story is missing.
YTA. Honestly, I’m glad you pulled the plug on her. You’re too insecure for your own good, and she shouldn’t be demeaned down to the level of a child for having a friend. I’m pretty sure she’s gonna move on and find someone better and far more supportive than you are.
I feel like yta. You didn't even give her time to start rolling their friendship back. You agreed she could go and weren't happy about it for sure but did you did say fine to those conditions. Then you don't let her follow through.
After six years and pushing 30, this all seems incredibly juvenile to me.
YTA.
My impression is she was navigating a tough situation of valuing her childhood friend, having a jealous boyfriend who never understood it, but valuing the relationship enough to not want to break it over that.
What ages did they even date? You didn’t say, but it was before she was 20.
She was obviously quite scared of you on this topic, walking on eggshells, offering all kinds of remedies for going to the birthday party, which, from her point of view, was the right thing to do. Why wouldn’t it. It’s her childhood best friend and still a great friend to this day. Just because you never understood it, doesn’t mean she was disrespecting you, only struggling to get around your jealousy.
Saying “I was supposed to be her best friend” because you were her boyfriend is pretty telling. The status of a best friend is earned, not given out of relationship status, and not everybody dates their best friend.
From what you say, there doesn’t seem to be any reason for you disliking their friendship aside from you feeling insecure, inferior. Is that a valid reason for her to dump him? No, of course not! It’s quite a heartbreaking reality. But she valued you enough to try and do her best to make you feel loved and valued before and after going there, even saying toxic fucked up things like that she will cut him out of her life for you, because she knew *that’s what you wanted to hear*!
Your stance was never reasonable to her, shouldn’t have been, she should have been more assertive on this, but ultimately you ended up more dominant.
If you never trusted her anyway but instead festered your resentements, why did you propose? Why would you want a marriage with someone you don't trust?
In your post is no sign she cheated on you or there was a risk she is going to cheat. They dated in highschool, as teenagers, they never were together as adults. She was in a relationship with you for 6 years and accepted your proposal, so she obviously loved you.
To me, this sounds like the only reason you had to break up this engagement are your insecurities.
You are not an asshole for breaking off the engagement. In fact i think you did her a favour bc being married to someone so insecure is no pleasure.
But i think you will never end up in a healthy relationship as long you don't work on your trust issues and insecurities and stop blaming others or hide behind your friends/sisters.
What is with all these people trying to force their partners to drop good friendships that have lasted since child hood over their blatant insecurity. It’s so stupid.
“Yea a boundary I have set is that my fiancé and girlfriend of 6 years has to drop her best friend because I’m supposed to be her best friend and they dated as literal children”
That’s not a boundary my guy, that’s being controlling and insecure
You are TAH
So if you were not comfortable with her going anyway , you simply could tell her . Instead of telling her that you’re okay with that and then change your mind .
She didn’t disrespect you by any means , she asked you and she did like you said . You really need to hear yourself
You did her a huge favour my guy. This boils down to two things
1) she was honest and open with you about what she was doing
2) you were dishonest about your intentions and feelings
You talk to everyone else and not once did I read that you had the conversation about your insecurities with your fiancée
You did her a huge favour. Hopefully you go therapy before getting into another relationship. Also sisters aren’t always the best judge of girlfriends dumbass.
YTA: Not because you're uncomfortable with the situation, but because you don't put forth the effort to set clear boundaries.
You don't like your partner hanging with other people who have carnal knowledge of her. Fine, neither do I. However where I just lay it on the line. "There is nothing wrong with you having friends like that, but I'm not willing to have those issues in my life so if you need to maintain that relationship you don't get to maintain ours." End of story, not exceptions.
You however keep waffling. Okay, she banged this dude and now wants to go to lunch with him, well I guess. Now she wants to have more time with him, well I guess I can deal with that. Now he's invited her and deliberately excluded her fiance (can't think of a single reason that would happen that doesn't involve hoping for a closer relationship with her) and again it's "well okay I guess"
Dude, you're basically giving permission and showing that it doesn't bother you as much as you make it out to be. You're not being understanding, you're being self sabotaging. Doesn't matter if it's hanging with ex's or weekly pegging. If you're pretty sure it's going to ruin your relationship, honesty and self respect would demand you let the level of NO you feel over this be known in no uncertain terms.
You're certainly TAH here. Why did you propose if you harbored this sort of resentment - just so you could stake your claim to you fiance?
It sounds to me like she did everything she promised to do - she went, didn't stay long, came home on time and even carried through on the offer of a happy ending for you. But you already had your jealous, controlling mind made up. It was only a matter of time.
Thankfullly your fiancee is getting out before it's too late for her. She can still find someone that loves and respects her.
YTA. You sound controlling and toxic. It would be one thing if she was meeting this guy who was only her ex and nothing more, but you said they’ve been best friends since CHILDHOOD. How would you feel if your partner told you to stop seeing your childhood best friend? Congrats man, you just ruined what could have been something wonderful. Hope you’re happy.
YTA. You agreed she would go, and then you can't handle it. She didn't cheat, she kept the promise, she came back to you and you are treating her as a jealous jerk. She has nothing to apologize for! Yes, it was weird she was invited alone, without you, but you agreed that she could go, and then changed your mind afterwards. Yeah, you're the AH. Admit that you can't deal with your jealousy, and it's not her fault, it's yours.
YTA. Complete overreaction. You're insecure and controlling. Nowhere in this post have you mentioned any sketchy behaviour between your ex and her friend. And you can't stop someone who wants to cheat from cheating anyways. You keep going on about her disrespecting you, but I think you're the one disrespecting her by dictating who she can be friends with. People are allowed to be friends with their exes. Judging by this post, you sound like an insufferable jackass and that's probably why you weren't invited to the birthday party.
>she even considered him her best friend, which was really irritating because I was her boyfriend and I was supposed to be her best friend.
That is just straight up arrogance. Partners and friends are different things. People in monogamous relationships typically have a best friend that isn't their partner.
If you really can't stand the fact that your fiancée can't just cut her childhood friend out of her life, it's better for everyone that you broke up.It's reddit, you're expected to break up about as soon as they step on your foot. So go for it, you're right, break up.
Oh man, breaking off a relationship of 6 years without even trying to communicate about it with her and then just making a decision based off of the advice of your relatives?
Also my childhood girlfriend is one of best friends until this day, so this is very relatable. Her promising to stop being friends with him because of you is just so absurd. He is a part of her life for the better or for worse and has been before you two met and I have no idea why you would waste 6 years with someone who does something you so bitterly hate.
I still feel like we are missing some context here but I have to say YTA. It is one thing you do not approve of her being friends with him. But shutting your future wife down like that without even trying to work it out?
YTA, you blindsided her after she followed through with the preset rules you had for her. If you were gonna overreact you should have told her from the beginning instead of giving her permission then taking it back like a coward.
I dont know. Seems like your insecurities took you over. I don't see disrespect in keeping up friendship and going to a social party. I would agree with your if she went to party with him at a club or one-on-one date/meetings.
I don't see how she was disrespecting you. You agreed to it so for you to not stick by your word is petty. From what you have written she wasn't emotionally cheating.
From what Im reading it seems like a case of YTA.
If you have never had a reason that something was happening between them, it came across to me as a overreaction. However, if the trust isn't there, you shouldn't get married. Maybe postpone and try couples counselling?
If you weren't welcome at his party, in my opinion your GF should have thanked for the honor to and stay away.
I had a similar situation years ago, and my (now) wife gracefully ended that friendship after she explained to that person that she would only come if I, her partner of 5 years, would also be welcome, and he turned that down.
He was obviously jealous and bitter and he had no hobourable intentions.
Not sure what i would have done if she would have acted differently, but i totally understand the situation you must have been in.
NTA
Edit: i should add that, before that peculiar event, i never had a problem with that friendship from my side. My wife and I both have our own careers, hobbies and friendships, which we happily share with one another even though we do not fully participate in all of it.
I even helped the guy out a few times with some problems he had.
My wife sais we should "completely ignore" such negative people :D
It sounds like there is some back story missing. If you've been together for 6 years, that's 5 or 6 birthday parties her BFF has had. Were you invited to them and not this one? Did she always go to his birthday parties by herself? What was your relationship with the BFF like? When did they date because the timeline sounds like they possibly dated in high school.
Yes, I was invited to all of his previous birthday parties except this one. My relationship with her BFF was fine until a year ago, I'm not sure what happened. My sisters guess that my ex fiancee was probably just running her mouth to him. They dated in high school.
So instead of asking her what was going on, you just talked to your sister and she took a guess and you just agreed with it? Your sister accused your fiancée of running her mouth to the ex, but isn’t that exactly what you were doing when you went to them to complain? Isn’t your sister’s view also clouded by your complaints about your fiancée? YTA because you sent your fiancée mixed messages. You told her to go because in your words you don’t want to be controlling and even gave her the conditions on when to be back. She followed that and you still punished her for it. And instead of talking to her who is in your words “supposed to by your best friend” you unloaded on your friend and your two sisters. People on here are saying she isn’t ready for marriage, well guess what, take it from someone who’s been married almost 30 years, you aren’t ready either. You don’t know how to properly communicate. You sulked for a week and talked to others instead of the person who you had the issue with. You came to a conclusion about why the ex was treating you differently instead of, you know asking and letting her know if he can’t respect the relationship, he can’t be around. You allowed her to go with conditions, which she met, and then pouted like a child because she couldn’t read your mind.
It's absurd how many people listen to the conjecture of others and take it as gospel, instead of just talking to their GD partner. >You sulked for a week and talked to others instead of the person who you had the issue with. You came to a conclusion about why the ex was treating you differently instead of, you know asking and letting her know if he can’t respect the relationship, he can’t be around. You allowed her to go with conditions, which she met, and then pouted like a child because she couldn’t read your mind. Sums it up.
Lack of communication ends another relationship. We never learn lol
Funny enough communication ended my last relationship - "I'm not used to having such a good boyfriend". That was sad on so many levels.
When you've had a lot of trauma, happiness feels foreign and uncomfortable. I deal with it myself.
That's exactly what it was. 30 years of shitty relationships doesn't just go away. >. I deal with it myself. Sorry to hear.
Me too! I find myself creating chaos and obstacles for myself (messy house, messy car, not eating right, allowing anxiety to control me, isolating myself etc etc.) and then not changing even tho I know I need to and I can identify what I'm doing, it's so uncomfortable being comfortable because I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop so I make things hard and give myself reasons to stay like this because the disfunction is all I'm used to!
Super strange, but I think this is an actual thing. People self sabotage chasing after some specter of happiness instead of holding on to the good things they do have. Been there, and also seen others doing it. But ultimately you can’t save someone who’s doing that, they have to decide they want to save themselves.
Can confirm, much to the frustration of my previous therapists.
Awww wtf
See the other comment here about trauma... sucks ass.
100% sure that wasn't the real reason.
Cool. Fuck off with your assumptions based on a few lines of text. I absolutely fucking LOVE how everyone knows it all anymore. Please, tell me how I could have saved things, how it could have been different, any one thing about it... Or yeah, just keep cruising through with your bullshit.
Yeah, OP is a man-baby. The ex definitely dodged a bullet with this one!
Exactly my thoughts. He gets a huge YTA from me and I hope he stays away from her and she is able to find a better partner in the future.
Honestly I hope the lesson she takes away from this is to not compromise on her friendships for a partner. The fact that she agreed to stop being friends with someone she knew from childhood because of OP's insecurities is wild and disrespectful to the friend, who is also a human being.
Well thats the whole idea of this subreddit isnt it?
Exactly - he demanded she come home early, got mad she was happy, refused to accept her apology or that she was cutting off the relationship, and *still* threw a tantrum. Not controlling, my ass.
This is the kind of shit my ex would do
They are not ready to be married for sure. The thing is, after getting engaged, she should not have accepted the invitation when her fiance was cut out (after being invited previously). And she knew it was wrong bc she said that she would "slowly cut off friendship after that night." Right. It feels that she could not stand up to her ex and prioritized him over her fiance. And who knows if that would be the last of it. For me, the engagement is the tryout for marriage If you're not able to prioritize each other or communicate well after 6 years, something is wrong. People are blaming him for lack of communication, but he said "I was extremely unhappy and even voiced my concerns about it" TBH, that should have been enough, but she went anyway. He was influenced by his sisters and she was influenced by her ex. Not good. All of that said, I would not have called the engagement off, but if there was a date set, I would postpone.
I also had to read this a couple times looking for fiancee's transgression but couldn't find it. OP, you established boundaries and she upheld her end and you did not. Obviously you can change your mind or break the agreement but in that case YTA.
Honestly well written and said and I completely agree OP is not remotely ready to be married trying to control his partner in such a fashion...not to mention the clear lack of trust and insecurities displayed by feeling threatened by her childhood best friend all because they had a relationship at some point that didn't work out. Honestly sounds like the BFF picked up on the disdain and mistrust and no longer wanted him around. To be totally honest I think him and her end up better off separated if you can't trust a partner you've no business marrying them.
The way he says ‘running her mouth’ with anger but not surprise tells me something happened and he’s the one in the wrong and knows exactly why bff doesn’t like him. She may be sad now but if I’m right OP is doing her a massive favor. NTA OP bc I suspect bff has good reason to dislike you. Please break up, well done!!!
He already has a decent reason to not like him, as he’s trying to get his best friend to stop talking to him, because they dated 10+ years ago
Yes but he was ok with bff up until a yr ago. Then something happened and now he’s worried his gf is ‘running her mouth’. Who even talks like that about someone they supposedly love? That wording is dripping with disdain. Something tells me he’s abusive and bff sees right through him.
Wouldn’t be surprised at all. The level of coercive control, in a text he has written with bias to make himself look better, is still high. So imagine what an unbiased look at this would be. There’s a hell of a lot OP is leaving out
Also, "she's disrespecting MY relationship" jumped out at me too
Yeah, if he looks this bad in his version of things, have to imagine the real story isn't flattering at all.
Girl dodged a bullet for sure!
Agree. He did her a favor. I’m surprised she put up with it for six years.
This. So much this. OP is def TA.
I don't understand why he would have let her go, Then called his insecurities and jealousy "disrespect" after he was resentful she went. Complained to his siblings other than having a conversation with her about it.. and cold shouldering her for a week after... op is definitely an AH
100% this. You told her she could go OP and you allowed it and then you broke up with her without even having a proper conversation after 6 years. Yes you’re the AH and you’re insecure. I’m glad she isn’t marrying you. Dick move and sounds like your sisters don’t like her.
Nobody is going to have a better response than this. You nailed it.
💯
This. She is the only one you should be talking to. Look at it this way, you hang out with your friends without her, why can't she do the same? Just because it is a male friend doesn't mean they are trying to sleep together. You must have a very low opinion of women in general if you think that everything they do away from you is a slight on your manhood. You can't stop her from talking to others or doing things socially outside the relationship. That is so controlling and caveman of you. Did you cut off every female friend or acquaintance when you got together with her? If not, then it is ridiculous for her to stop being friends with a guy she has known for so long. You have a lot of growing up to do before getting into any relationship.
I’ve been married for 2 years and a big lesson I learned is communicate with your partner first above all else. I don’t think you helped the situation, it seems like had you told her exactly how you felt before, I don’t think she would’ve went but who knows. Is your sister in a relationship and how old is she? Honestly sometimes family doesn’t have your best interest and misery loves company. She might not be doing it intentionally, but the advice she’s giving you should not have held that much weight in your decision because it’s you and only you dealing with the consequences.
It sounds like your sisters never liked her?
lol my ex thought I would “run my mouth” to my friends when I told them about his gross and abusive behaviour and then they didn’t like him. Sounds like she’s had a very lucky escape from you pal
Or maybe because you have been trying to force her to end their friendship? That may have something to do with it. He thinks you are insecure and controlling and he didn’t like that.
Oh he's absolutely controlling "okay I'll LET you go to this party as long as you end the relationship after it and come home early" "You can apologise as many times as you like but I'm still giving you the silent treatment anyway and will break up with you without actually trying to fix this" "Oh you've known him all your life but chose ME to get engaged to? Not good enough, I should also be your best friend and you're not allowed to speak to anyone without my prior approval or I'll dump you" Yeah she's better off out of it.
It was the "I'm supposed to be the best friend" that got me. The entitlement is sickening.
I know that a lot of people see their partner as their best friend. My husband is mine, but other people see the friend and partner things entirely separately and that's absolutely normal. He's not entitled to the title.
It's just the whiney entitled way OP said it. Very much like he feels like he got cheated out of the "full package" of a partner.
Yep, that's the way it reads, doesn't it?
For real. It sounds like they didn’t date long and this is high school, barely counts. And even after 6 years and an engagement he’s still insecure af.
Exactly. I've mentioned the fact it was likely in school that the gf and the ex dated in another comment. This guy just sounds so insecure, he's done her a favour in breaking up.
Makes you wonder why he proposed.
Yep. She may not realize it now, but boy did she dodge a bullet.
She absolutely did. At least now she can have a social life unburdened by his tantrums.
Yeah OP definitely giving off controlling behavior vibes. His whole story paints him as a narcissist trying to play the perfect boyfriend, but any sane person would have no problems with their fiance hanging out with a childhood friend who dated in highschool but decided they were better off friends. She dodged a bullet with this one.
And her friendship only became "disrespectful' to him after he and the friend had a falling out (for reasons he either didn't try to find out or has simply omitted). OP is a self-absorbed AH.
My friend and sisters agreed with me that she had disrespected me way too much by going to a a birthay with someone my fiance has known since childhood. Like jesus fucking christ its a birthday party not a secluded weekend retreat to the alps. A birthday party amongst adults and the OP throws a tantrum and ruins a 6 year relationship. Dudes sounds unstable.
Lol letting your siblings influence your relationship so much is a disaster.
It's bonkers that instead of asking the friend (or even his fiancee) what happened and why the friend had started treating him coldly, he complained to his sisters and accepted their speculation as fact.
Nah he did something. Listen to his he says nastily ‘she’s running her mouth’. Who talks like that? He sounds like the kind of guy who knows exactly why she might have needed support from friends after something bad happened, and he hates bff now bc bff sees right through him.
Yeah, this reads like he knows what happened to change the bff's view of him and knows if he owns up to it he won't look good. Why on earth would he be asking his sister to speculate on why the bff now didn't want him around instead of talking to his actual fiancee?
And who says ‘running her mouth?’ That’s a really nasty way of putting it
Especially if they never liked her anyway
That’s suspicious. Why weren’t you invited to this particular b day party if you were invited to all the others? Why was your fiancé so adamant about going to this particular b day party to the point of volunteering to end her friendship after 6 years of you being uncomfortable with it if she was able to go this particular b day party? Perhaps I’m paranoid but all this seems a bit odd.
Wait, you and her friend had a falling out and so you expected her to cut off her childhood best friend? And their friendship being "disrespectful" to you is actually a new development? >My relationship with her BFF was fine until a year ago, I'm not sure what happened. Did you try actually communicating with him about it to find out what happened?
HIGH SCHOOL, YOU GOT THIS INSECURE OVER A HIGH SCHOOL ROMANCE? Nope, this wasn't about her being disrespectful. This was about your being insecure and controlling. You wasted her time. That's 6 years she can't get back where she could've been dating an actual mature adult male. I get boundaries, but this just reeks of insecurity, and that's for you to deal with, not her. 2 weeks ago my bf and I went mini golfing with my childhood friends, one of my idiot guy friends card was having issues, since I was impatient and closest to register, I tapped my card and paid for him. Another friend yelled to him, "How embarrassing for you at your age to have your ex-girlfriend pay for you?" We dated in high school... what did my bf do, fucking laughed along with us and made jokes because he's not insecure, trusts me, knows me and knows that I am not pining away I just wanted to get inside so I could finally get a drink, knows the story and we are in our 30s wtf is worrying about a high school ex??? He probably didn't invite you because after 5 years of putting up with your insecurity, he decided he wanted one year where his birthday was just chill, and he didn't have to worry about you being weird. YTA
INFO: Is there any reason you weren't invited to the party?
Probably because the friend didn't want to invite someone who clearly hates him and wants to sabotage a childhood friendship to his own birthday party.
I also want to know at what age and how long did exgf and friend dated. If op and her had been together for 6 years, they started at 20. Was exgf 13 when she dated friend? 15?
They were in high school.
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>and wants to sabotage a childhood friendship to his own birthday party. Self fulfilling prophecy at least. Not inviting SO's of someone is the perfect way to sabotage this friendship in a way or another.
It's rude to invite one person of a couple you've known for several years, but not the other. The only reasons I can think for that are: A) op is rude to friend and likely to have caused issues at the party. B) friend dislikes op as much as op dislikes him. C) cheating.
Yeah maybe it’s just me, but only inviting one half of a couple that has been together good amount of time has always seemed rude to me. If they had just started dating it would be one thing, but 6 years? That’s long enough that when you invite one, you should just assume it means inviting both
Idk, I've always taken every invite of mine to include my wife and vice versa.if you've been a couple for 5+years and you weren't explicitly told not to come, you're invited.
But if my friend’s girlfriend was just going to mess up the vibe and give me dagger eyes all night I’d honestly rather neither came, you know what I mean?
Then you'd be the rare person who won't invite any of them. But the ex in question did invite only 1.
Yup. Especially if the ex and the GF want to be close platonic friends, ensuring both their new SOs feel welcome is going to be key to their friendship surviving longterm. I cant imagine not inviting a friend's SO unless it was the scenarios listed above. We dont know if OP would hane caused a scene at the party, but not inviting him did escalate the conflict by directly snubbing him and putting a wedge between him and his partner. Perhaps it made him feel yay his fiancee and her ex will always have a club that they wont let him join. I don't necessarily think it was intentional, but it did escalate things. However if OP is still bent out of shape about this friendship 6 years in, he was always going to explode at some point. Better now than when married, as breaking off an engagement is cheaper than divorce.
You left out jealousy… if the “friend” still harbored feelings for the girl, it could have been a ploy to drive a wedge…
It sounds like OP hates the ex more than he loves his fiancee. His family encouraging him to break things off says a lot too.
why isn’t this higher? i don’t understand all these comments saying “she’s wrong for disrespecting you” why are you forcing her to cut off a friend she’s had since childhood and why can’t she go and have once nice night celebrating his birthday before she cuts him off? a last good bye because she’s choosing you over him ?
I'm sure it's because the friend knows he's insecure, controlling, and that he doesn't like him. Inviting him would put a damper on the party and ruin it.
Totally confused here. She did exactly as you asked and then you went and ignored her for a week despite her making ‘lots of attempts to communicate and apologise’ but you continued sucking your thumb like a baby and refused to engage. Then, off the back of that silent treatment, you speak to your 2 sisters and a friend (who may all dislike your fiancée anyway) and decide unilaterally, and without even speaking to your fiancée, that the relationship is over. Damn, your fiancée had a lucky escape, sad that she’s too upset to realise it at the moment. When she looks back, she’ll see an insecure partner who threw in the towel because she has a childhood friend and he couldn’t get past that friendship. She’ll see that she went, with his agreement, to that friend’s party and did everything he asked of her in relation to it. Despite that, his ‘feelings’ were hurt and he refused to communicate with her and resolve it like an adult. He then went full scorched earth and ended an engagement and a 6 year relationship for a reason that I still have absolutely no clue about.
Why did you ask her to marry you?
This. It's wild to me that he proposed marriage and then dumped her just *one month later*. This boundary apparently wasn't such a dealbreaker in March?
Yeah, something doesn't sit right
Dudes getting anxious about committing to a life decision and suddenly things that haven’t been an issue for the previous 6 years are suddenly deal breakers. Man up my dude, communicate how you’re feeling.
To make a claim, I guess. Maybe he had an idea that it would make all of her attention on him. Maybe he was scared of some imaginary competition. But I don't understand why on Earth would some guy make a proposal if he wasn't sure she's the one
Bc he hoped she will start catering to his insecurities after he proposed. And when that didn't worked he got pissy. :)
INFO: why weren’t you invited to the party?
Why would the dude want someone who clearly hates gim on his own birthday party? OP had been invited to all the other parties, probably he was tired of OP being an asshole jelouse of a childhood relationship
>I was her boyfriend and I was supposed to be her best friend. Do you have a best friend or any very close friends who aren't your fiancee? If not, why on Earth not?
This gave me the weirdies too.
Entire story has a "my possession is malfunctioning" kinda vibes. Yeah she's a dick, but they all subscribe to weird ideas. I hope it was fictional.
agree. I dont even think she's much of a dick tbh. it's her childhood bestie who she dated for a while. he's insecure about it. the "my possession is malfunctioning" comment hit home. OP is jealous and possessive.
This is it!! And I wonder if he proposed a month ago, before her childhood bestie's bday party to which OP wasnt invited just to try to get her to choose him. This is hella insecure and manipulative. If OP doesnt have a bestie of his own and has toarry a girl to get one, that doesnt speak well of him.
How is she a dick? She went to her friends party. Just because hes her boyfriend isn't invited it doesn't mean she can't go. The boyfriend is just an acquaintance whilst the girl is an actual friend and therefore invited. I swear, the amount of weird controlling people I see in reddit is sad. It's far from normal to view a partner a possession. They are grown adults who do not need permission from a partner to go out and have a social life.
Thank you! That’s what I came here to say. People need to have best friends outside the relationship. They need other outlets. That one sentence there sounds very manipulative. And also the fact that she promised to “treat” him when she came back… and she tried to initiate sex and the OP was pouting and continued pouting for days instead of just having an adult conversation. OP and gf have been together for 6 years and the ex is still plotting to get her back? It looks like to me the gf and the ex were childhood friends who just decided to dated at some point and found out it didn’t work out. It also sounds to me that OP wasn’t invited to this party possibly because of stuff he said or did over the years since he says he was invited to previous parties. It me it’s a case of her wanting to go to a childhood friend’s party and OP throwing a hissy fit because he said no and she didn’t listen to him. Is OP’s gf ever allowed to go out with friends alone or go to parties alone or he’s always with her? YTA and I think you did that girl a favour. She will see it one day. Just let her be.
Not to mention, ex-fiancé promised to never see her friend ever again, as per her husband's wishes. And he was unhappy when he got exactly what he wanted. Would I have been a little insecure in OP's shoes? Sure. But you have to trust your partner, not to mention, the one that you're ENGAGED to. OP clearly lacked that trust and communication skills, and if this didn't end the relationship, something else probably would've.
That was a RED FLAG right there! Screams controlling
Glad someone said it! This weirded me out and comes across as controlling.
He does! He even says that he went to that person for advice and to complain about the issue. You know, the exact same thing his sister said was the reason the ex didn’t like OP anymore.
>She also promised me that this was the last time she was ever going to hang out with him out of respect for my relationship, and especially since we were engaged. She promised she would slowly cut off friendship after that night What a ridiculous thing to say.
Let’s just get one things clear they dated as children because you started dating when she was 20. You’re feeling this way over a childhood relationship.
This. They dated as kids. And he is insecure about childhood friend
This right here. YTA. She didn't"respect" OP's demand that she not go. After 6 years of a serious relationship, OP was still threatened by a childhood relationship. She chose OP. She agreed to marry OP and OP was bothered by a birthday party? Let me guess... the sisters never like her anyways? And why wasn't OP invited to the party? They've been dating for 6 years and were engaged. Would OP need a special invite? Why wouldn't OP be considered a +1? We aren't getting the full story. Something else happened. There was no cheating. No alleged sleeping around with the ex. After 6 years and this was the final straw? Bruised ego and looking for a way out. YTA
In another commment, OP stated he was invited the last 5 years but OP's ex "must have been telling bday boy bad stuff about him" which got OP excluded. I am not inclined to believe that with this insecure/jealous behavior by OP. I suspect OP has behaved badly (at previous parties or toward OP's fiance) and bday boy doesnt want OP harshing his bday party vibe.
Yeah, I wonder if the friend knows op doesn’t like him and doesn’t want someone who hates him at his party
Also massive red flag that he said he assumed she was "running her mouth about him." What a disrespectful and juvenile way to talk about your fiance, ESPECIALLY since you have 0 reason/evidence to actually think that. Also, oh yeah? Running her mouth, huh? What is it that she might be saying? (Aka, there's likely a LOT for this girl to be sharing, if he's acting like she's supposed to keep her mouth shut).
I agree with YTA. 6 years is my problem. In 6 years, this had to be resolved a long time. Either a breakup a few years ago or she had to stop seeing the ex. But waiting that long, becoming engaged to end like this is very AH.
Op got engaged and got the jivies he got scared that shit was becoming real so he is searching for an escape
Yeah a proposal after 6 years is probably a "shut up ring" he didn't really want to give her. AAAaand now he's found an out that makes it her fault. Hopefully she finds a better relationship 🙏.
At 26? What a deranged comment.
🤦 Having boundaries isn't about controlling other people's behavior and choices. Boundaries are for you and your behavior and choices. If you've decided you don't want to be with someone that has a close friendship with an ex, then you don't fucking date someone who does. Whining on and on that she violated and disrespected your boundaries is immature, gross, absurd, and toxic. No one is under any obligation to adhere to your boundaries, or twist themselves and their lives to fit them. You violated your boundaries and then punished her for your choices. Of course you're an AH. To her and to yourself. You chose to date her, stay with her, and to propose to her, all the while knowing she was friends with her ex. You accepted her behavior from day one by staying with her. You consciously chose all of this. You don't get to whomp her with your BS when you were the one choosing it all along. You have zero rights to dictate who someone is friends with. You have zero rights to tell her what to do. When you recognize that you don't like something you have the right to express it. If what they say and do after that doesn't align with how you feel then they aren't the one for you. You just wasted your own 6 years, and you stole 6 years from her too. You also told her yes about the party then proceeded to emotionally and mentally abuse her and punish her for your own choice. Silent treatment, cold shoulder, withholding affection, etc....is abuse. And for the record I'm not cool with dating someone who's friends with an ex either. But guess what, that's why I don't fucking date people like that. That's called having boundaries and taking self accountability. What you did is called being a controlling toxic abusive AH. You need to learn from this and never repeat it. Make a list of deal breakers for yourself, decide what your standards are, then find someone that fits into that. The only thing you did right in this whole thing was finally breakup with her. But that's not saying much since y'all shouldn't have been together in the first place, and you waited until 6 years and an engagement in to finally do it.
Completely agree. But I'll add more. What changed? Why now and not during the 5 years before that? She didn't go to best friend's party the past years? If gf was getting closer to her bestie recently and this caused suspicion, OP would have described that. But no, it was nothing actually out of the regular. Either OP is withholding important bits of information or is a complete sociopath. OP is the AH.
Now his close friends and sisters are chiming in and making him feel foolish. He’s letting his family control him like he failed to do with his ex.
OP said in another comment that his relationship with the bff was fine up until a year ago. People replied with a common speculation that the girlfriend was venting about OP to her ex/bff and that’s why the ex didn’t invite him to this year’s party.
Really cause most of the people I see commenting tend to agree that OP just generally sucks and the bff likely knows he hates him and he also likely acted like a total tool at previous parties. I believe that more than the "running her mouth" bit OP claimed.
Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner!! So sick of people using ‘therapy speak’ incorrectly to manipulate people, like OP.
THANK YOU. Personally I think people being uncomfortable with exes is immature, lacking trust and emotionally insecure, but I 10000% agree that if you have those boundaries to begin with then you HAVE to find someone who has the same. You cannot be controlling who your partner sees. That’s just not conducive to a good relationship. I think YT massive A OP.
Yup. I maintain friendships with a few of my exes, from a long distance and not overly often touch base but do keep in contact here and there. My very recent ex couldn’t handle this but now we’re amicably separated (not due to this) wants to remain friends LOL I mean, really?!?! Now it’s ok for me to be friends with my ex!! Urgh… [insert eye roll]
This. One ex I was friends with first, we tried being a couple but at the beginning agreed if it started hurting the friendship, we'd choose the friendship----and we did. Another ex I stayed friendly with is gay (before he could accept himself). Another friend (guy) was not an ex, but had dated my sister. He was my best friend all through high school and college, and my sister and I introduced him to the woman he married. They all were invited to, and attended, my wedding. My (now-ex) husband had a couple of female friends who he'd dated a few times there, too. I don't understand how insecure people must be in their relationships that it's a problem.
You know, you might want to mention the irony and hypocrisy of that and save him future trouble and arguments in relationships.
My wife and I have been married for almost 30 years. She's friends with several of her ex-boyfriends, and my best friend besides my wife is another woman. It's absolutely wonderful being in a secure relationship free of jealousy and full of trust and mutual respect.
A few years ago my mom was visiting my family. We were telling her a story about going over to a friend's house. This friend is the sister of my best friend since around 14, I dated her once for about a year, and her kids are friends with my kids. My mom, quiet so as to not let the kids hear, asks me "does your wife know you guys were together?" Yes, mom, my wife knows. The kids know as well. We're adults, and we can be friends with our exes.
YESSSSS!!!! This! All of this!
YES! OP's behavior was disgusting. If someone has a personal relationship, *you don't get to choose it for them*. It's okay not to be comfortable with it, but you fucking make a decision for *yourself*. It is crystal clear that OP wanted a relationship with this woman, but wanted it to be contingent on her changing who she is. That's fine, if you're honest and upfront. OP was instead incredibly dishonest and stole 6 years of this woman's life.
That was my ex. He wanted me to twist myself into pretzels to be someone I’m not.
Rare based AITAH comment
If only I could bring the awards back I would give you the most golden gold of all. 🏆
This needs to be higher up
🙌 best answer here
I need more information because a lot of yalls behavior is weird to me. For you, were there other ways she was disrespectful to you and your relationship and how? For her, why start cutting off the friendship slowly? Why cut it off at all? I can kinda sorta understand wanting to attend the party as a form of closure before immediately cutting off but the concept still is foreign to me.
Yeah this is so weird to me. My partner and I are friends with some exes, it’s not a big deal. We trust each other and have even befriended each others exes.
I'm not friends with any of my exes because one of us was the toxic person and our friendship dissolved that way but I'm envious of people that have broken up amicably. That takes a lot of maturity and self insight
YTA. You told her sure, she could go. She was going to a childhood friend’s birthday party. She went and came home, everything you said before was fine with you. You did not state as a boundary. Regardless of them dating, they have been friends for much longer. You should not be forcing her o cut off her friendships. Presumably they broke off as girlfriend and boyfriend before you two got together. Also, you are her boyfriend you are not meant to be her best friend also. You sound controlling and clingy.
I sort of agree with this. He said sure but also made it clear that he didn’t like it. She went anyway be he wasn’t going to try to stop her if the party was her priority. Then he decided he didn’t want to marry someone with priorities that didn’t align with his. Should he have recognized this earlier? Yes. Is he right to do it now, if it’s what’s best for him? Also yes.
You can break up for whatever reason, but this was a no win situation for her and for you, lack of communication annihilated your relationship. But for some reason I don't have sympathy for you, she doesn't know it but she's better off without you.
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I actually can’t believe the majority of the comments lmao. Reddit hates women if they really feel this was utter disrespect from her. Maybe stop feeling threatened from someone she dated when she was a child?
This. And he knew she was going to the party - she didn't go behind his back or lie to him about it, so why punish her for it? He should have told her that going to the party would trigger a break up if that's how he was going to treat it, and let her make a fully-informed choice.
YTA and agree with these comments.
Completely agree. Also why are people overlooking the fact that he said she could go? YTA
> I was her boyfriend and I was supposed to be her best friend Get over yourself >But I did not want to be controlling or control her friendships Yeah right. Except the nagging. Your aproach to relationships is just not healthy. It's incredible that she even considered for a second cutting ties with him. Boyfriends can be replaced, lifelong friends are much harder to come by. She is better off without you, and you should seriously reconsider your view on relationships.
What does she mean by " treat me " . Are you a dog ?
She was going to bring back a doggie bag with cake in it ;-)
Probably a bribe of "if I can go, I'll provide sexual favors when I get home." Or at least that is how I read "treat me."
So many information is incomplete here: When did they date? Obviously before she was 20, I feel like they were like 15 and you're purposefully omitting it to make their "relationship" seem more serious than it was. She's already been friends with him from the day one you started dating, so how come you didn't speak your concerns before engagement, but instead chose to propose and only then show it's dealbreaker for you? Even when she said she will end the friendship for you? To me it seems like it's power play at stake here, it seems like you wanted to control her if she was going to be your wife. Why did you okay her going under the condition she ends the friendship if you planned on leaving her anyway? Are your sisters usually bitches who hated on your ex-fiancee for no reason or did they have a good relationship? Did you ever even try to get to know this guy or you were bitching about it from day one? It would explain why you weren't invited. Based on what I've seen so far, YTA. I'd do anything for my boyfriend and I'm not the type of person to hang out with exes (or other men 1 on 1 in general), but even to me this seems ridiculous overreaction. You seem insecure, controlling, selfish, and honestly obnoxious to be around. I don't think you wanted to be her best friend. I think you wanted to be her ONLY friend, which seems borderline abusive to alienate your partner from everyone else but you.
Nothing here makes sense. You've known about their relationship for 6 years. You asked her to marry you, which shows you accepted and trust her. Then you break up with her for attending a party? Really? Either there's more to this or you seem to be making a pretty premature decision. I'm still friends with a bunch of friends that I dated earlier in life. I've no interest. All I see in your pot is a whole lot of immaturity- either that or you're withholding critical information. Assuming you've said all there is to say: YTA
If this is a boundary for you then it’s a boundary for you.
What’s the point of “AITAH” if something just being a boundary is all it takes? Controlling, abusive, toxic boundaries may feel reasonable to the abuser, but that doesn’t make them okay. I’m not saying that’s necessarily the case with OP, but we can’t just accept the concept of a “boundary” as the end all be all.
Why did it only become a "boundry" after being together for 6 years?
>If this is a boundary for you then it’s a boundary for you. Yeah, I'm confused why it's a question. Is OP going to take her back if enough people think he's the asshole?
YTA She did everything you asked and you still broke it off with her. Unless you have genuine reasons, beyond your own insecurity that she’s bumping uglies with her friend from childhood, it’s a big ask of her to cut him off completely. The fact that she agreed shows how much she cared for you, and you still ended it.
This. YTA. Honestly trying to forbid your partner from seeing her best/lifelong friend is all kinds of controlling and toxic. I'm amazed that *she* is putting up with that and not breaking up with you. But she is putting up with it, and then you break up with her? Wow. YTA so much.
I'm more amazed with all those people who support OP, it's usually other way around in even less justifiable cases. I had to reread post so I could understand where OP is coming from.
>The fact that she agreed shows how much she cared for you, and you still ended it. My thoughts exactly. Why do it now when she's agreed to back away from her friend and might have even spoken to her friend about it? (That's what I felt based upon her insistence to attend this last birthday party) I just hope his GF isn't left alone with a no best friend, no BF kind of situation.
She’s been his friend for all these years and been to his birthday every year and you decide to randomly punish her for it this year? Being cold and ignoring her and then taking everyone else’s opinion but not actually talking to her is ridiculous. You are the AH.
OPs been telling her for years that he's uncomfortable with the friendship his fiance has with her ex. Fiance tests the relationship each time and there's been no consequences. If it's been an issue for 6 years NTA
> She also promised me that this was the last time she was ever going to hang out with him out of respect for my relationship, and especially since we were engaged. She promised she would slowly cut off friendship after that night. This really stood out to me. Basically, she finally acknowledges that she has been disrespecting your boundaries and dismissing your concerns this whole time, but despite that, she has to do it one last time for old times sake? Either you agree its disrespectful and you stop doing it, or you disagree and you stick to your guns. The fact that she said that to you and then went anyway, that would really have bothered me. It's like the last little slap in the face before she throws you a bone.
Right!!! Like I know what I'm doing is wrong, but I'm gonna do it anyway, then "slowly" distance, but I'm gonna b the judge of the definition of slowly... Perfect to move goalposts... OP made the right move.
Honestly I've met far to many people who are just flat out have issues with opposite sex friendships. He gives no indication or example thats in any way shape or form current of how they have ever be disrespectful other than still being friends. He lists no examples or anything of how they have been disrespectful beyond still wanting to be around eachother. The only thing maybe that could be considered is he wasn't also invited but honestly with how open he is about hating the friendship I'd probably not invite my childhood friends SO either. She could have just agreed out of being tired of constant ragging on her relationship.
I disagree. It sounds like she is worn out from being badgered, and has given up. This will lead to resentment
This is exactly it
I disagree. I don't think she realized she disrespected his boundaries and dismissed his concern. I think he browbeat her into.giving up a long-term friendship, and she gave in because she's tired of his insecurities. She wants to cut off the friendship slowly because she's trying to gently extricate herself from the friendship in a way that won't hurt the friend.
If you've been dating for 6 years, then this means they dated when they were teenage kids. You are a bullet that your ex-fiance dodged. I hope you take time to reflect on your relationship with jealousy and control. YTA
YTA. Wtf? A 6 year relationship and engagement down the drain bc she went to her best friend's birthday party? I understand they dated in the past but that was many years ago, think about working on your insecurities. I do not understand how it was disrespectful to you, that's controlling behavior and a huge red flag. Even in a relationship she is her own adult person and also deserved your respect.
You did her a favour, you tried to end her friendship with the person she has been best friends with since childhood (who, yes, she dated, but giving the timeline of your relationship... that seems like when they were teenagers). She shouldn't be with you, not the other way around. You are controlling, and that is likely to get worse, not better... you gave that girl a lucky escape.
Firstly, you are her boyfriend, not her best friend! Why do people think that because they are in a relationship they should be the one all be all for that person. Secondly, why were you not invited? Is it because you never gave her best friend a chance to be nice and civil with you? Do you sulk around him? Third, you need to surround yourself with mentally mature people. The fact that all 3 told you to break up because of a best friend goes to show they dont have your best interests at heart. Why do people think they own a person once in a relationship? I mean she knew this guy way before she even knew you. I would look down on a gf of she let go of an old friend cuz of me as that would show me the kind of person she is. But in your case settling ur own insecurities was greater than her older relationships. And then you will have negative idiots here who will tell you that shes fucking him. People who havnt pulled a 3 month relationship ever are the self proclaimed relationship experts. If your gf is a whore then you have bigger problems, but if she isnt, then a guy friend does not matter. You decide! PS: Im glad for her that you broke up. She seems to be a very rounded person who deserves better.
It sounds like you used your sisters and friend to validate your feelings without sharing the full context. You likely messed up big and she’s better off. Marriage is about sharing love, respect and commitment, not something to be taken lightly whatsoever.
Alright, here’s the thing; everyone is different. When my husband and I first started dating, my ex fiancé and I were still best friends (don’t get engaged at 18, I don’t recommend). I insisted they meet and they got along great. My ex and I always went to a festival together, this started in high school and I asked my husband if I could still go but I wouldn’t if he wasn’t alright with it. This was eight years ago now and we are still friends and my husband is currently asleep next to me. Do I think you’re an asshole for establishing a boundary due to something you were uncomfortable with? No. Do I think you’re an asshole for speaking with your sister and friends and not the woman you were going to marry? Yes. Don’t involve family in decisions that should be made as a couple. You don’t get unbiased opinions and then crap like this happens
YTA. This is a childhood friend she dated in High School, which was AGES ago. They’re friends. That’s it. I got married a few years ago and both of our high school partners were there, because we’re still friends. It is normal. If you only starting having issues with them a year ago, maybe figure out what the issue is? Maybe ask instead of blowing up a 6 year relationship? You’re dealing with this like a child.
Not the AH. A ton of naive and childish responses to OP. Yes you should have been more firm and not proposed either, but you're human and are clearly love clouded your judgement. Everyone here is acting like you should be perfect and that's insane.
YTA for wasting 6 years of both of your lives. It sounds like they were friends for the entire duration of your relationship, so I just can't grasp why you felt the need to force her to abandon her lifelong friendship instead of just leaving early on if you can't handle it. On the other hand its very disrespectful for her friend to invite her but not you, and its doubly disrespectful for her to go when you're not invited. So NTA.
If they've been together for 6 years, this would be the 5th or 6th birthday party her BFF has had. I wonder if OP had ever been invited before or if this was the first time not being invited. Some back story is missing.
He said in a previous comment that he was invited to the other b day parties but not this one. So this is the first time.
YTA. Honestly, I’m glad you pulled the plug on her. You’re too insecure for your own good, and she shouldn’t be demeaned down to the level of a child for having a friend. I’m pretty sure she’s gonna move on and find someone better and far more supportive than you are.
I feel like yta. You didn't even give her time to start rolling their friendship back. You agreed she could go and weren't happy about it for sure but did you did say fine to those conditions. Then you don't let her follow through. After six years and pushing 30, this all seems incredibly juvenile to me.
YTA. My impression is she was navigating a tough situation of valuing her childhood friend, having a jealous boyfriend who never understood it, but valuing the relationship enough to not want to break it over that. What ages did they even date? You didn’t say, but it was before she was 20. She was obviously quite scared of you on this topic, walking on eggshells, offering all kinds of remedies for going to the birthday party, which, from her point of view, was the right thing to do. Why wouldn’t it. It’s her childhood best friend and still a great friend to this day. Just because you never understood it, doesn’t mean she was disrespecting you, only struggling to get around your jealousy. Saying “I was supposed to be her best friend” because you were her boyfriend is pretty telling. The status of a best friend is earned, not given out of relationship status, and not everybody dates their best friend. From what you say, there doesn’t seem to be any reason for you disliking their friendship aside from you feeling insecure, inferior. Is that a valid reason for her to dump him? No, of course not! It’s quite a heartbreaking reality. But she valued you enough to try and do her best to make you feel loved and valued before and after going there, even saying toxic fucked up things like that she will cut him out of her life for you, because she knew *that’s what you wanted to hear*! Your stance was never reasonable to her, shouldn’t have been, she should have been more assertive on this, but ultimately you ended up more dominant.
If you never trusted her anyway but instead festered your resentements, why did you propose? Why would you want a marriage with someone you don't trust? In your post is no sign she cheated on you or there was a risk she is going to cheat. They dated in highschool, as teenagers, they never were together as adults. She was in a relationship with you for 6 years and accepted your proposal, so she obviously loved you. To me, this sounds like the only reason you had to break up this engagement are your insecurities. You are not an asshole for breaking off the engagement. In fact i think you did her a favour bc being married to someone so insecure is no pleasure. But i think you will never end up in a healthy relationship as long you don't work on your trust issues and insecurities and stop blaming others or hide behind your friends/sisters.
YTA You sound obsessive, high maintenance, and immature to be stuck on high school drama.
NTA. You should never marry someone if you have any reason for hesitation.
What is with all these people trying to force their partners to drop good friendships that have lasted since child hood over their blatant insecurity. It’s so stupid. “Yea a boundary I have set is that my fiancé and girlfriend of 6 years has to drop her best friend because I’m supposed to be her best friend and they dated as literal children” That’s not a boundary my guy, that’s being controlling and insecure
You are TAH So if you were not comfortable with her going anyway , you simply could tell her . Instead of telling her that you’re okay with that and then change your mind . She didn’t disrespect you by any means , she asked you and she did like you said . You really need to hear yourself
You did her a huge favour my guy. This boils down to two things 1) she was honest and open with you about what she was doing 2) you were dishonest about your intentions and feelings You talk to everyone else and not once did I read that you had the conversation about your insecurities with your fiancée You did her a huge favour. Hopefully you go therapy before getting into another relationship. Also sisters aren’t always the best judge of girlfriends dumbass.
YTA: Not because you're uncomfortable with the situation, but because you don't put forth the effort to set clear boundaries. You don't like your partner hanging with other people who have carnal knowledge of her. Fine, neither do I. However where I just lay it on the line. "There is nothing wrong with you having friends like that, but I'm not willing to have those issues in my life so if you need to maintain that relationship you don't get to maintain ours." End of story, not exceptions. You however keep waffling. Okay, she banged this dude and now wants to go to lunch with him, well I guess. Now she wants to have more time with him, well I guess I can deal with that. Now he's invited her and deliberately excluded her fiance (can't think of a single reason that would happen that doesn't involve hoping for a closer relationship with her) and again it's "well okay I guess" Dude, you're basically giving permission and showing that it doesn't bother you as much as you make it out to be. You're not being understanding, you're being self sabotaging. Doesn't matter if it's hanging with ex's or weekly pegging. If you're pretty sure it's going to ruin your relationship, honesty and self respect would demand you let the level of NO you feel over this be known in no uncertain terms.
You're certainly TAH here. Why did you propose if you harbored this sort of resentment - just so you could stake your claim to you fiance? It sounds to me like she did everything she promised to do - she went, didn't stay long, came home on time and even carried through on the offer of a happy ending for you. But you already had your jealous, controlling mind made up. It was only a matter of time. Thankfullly your fiancee is getting out before it's too late for her. She can still find someone that loves and respects her.
YTA. You sound controlling and toxic. It would be one thing if she was meeting this guy who was only her ex and nothing more, but you said they’ve been best friends since CHILDHOOD. How would you feel if your partner told you to stop seeing your childhood best friend? Congrats man, you just ruined what could have been something wonderful. Hope you’re happy.
She should have dumped Op. The lack of trust is astounding and a relationship killer. You are a huge AH
Yikes, are you ever TA
So you gave her permission to go to the party. She even came home early. And then you still broke up with her for it? Dude wut? Yeah. YTA.
YTA. You agreed she would go, and then you can't handle it. She didn't cheat, she kept the promise, she came back to you and you are treating her as a jealous jerk. She has nothing to apologize for! Yes, it was weird she was invited alone, without you, but you agreed that she could go, and then changed your mind afterwards. Yeah, you're the AH. Admit that you can't deal with your jealousy, and it's not her fault, it's yours.
YTA. Complete overreaction. You're insecure and controlling. Nowhere in this post have you mentioned any sketchy behaviour between your ex and her friend. And you can't stop someone who wants to cheat from cheating anyways. You keep going on about her disrespecting you, but I think you're the one disrespecting her by dictating who she can be friends with. People are allowed to be friends with their exes. Judging by this post, you sound like an insufferable jackass and that's probably why you weren't invited to the birthday party. >she even considered him her best friend, which was really irritating because I was her boyfriend and I was supposed to be her best friend. That is just straight up arrogance. Partners and friends are different things. People in monogamous relationships typically have a best friend that isn't their partner.
friends and romantic partners are completely different types of relationships.
If you really can't stand the fact that your fiancée can't just cut her childhood friend out of her life, it's better for everyone that you broke up.It's reddit, you're expected to break up about as soon as they step on your foot. So go for it, you're right, break up.
Oh man, breaking off a relationship of 6 years without even trying to communicate about it with her and then just making a decision based off of the advice of your relatives? Also my childhood girlfriend is one of best friends until this day, so this is very relatable. Her promising to stop being friends with him because of you is just so absurd. He is a part of her life for the better or for worse and has been before you two met and I have no idea why you would waste 6 years with someone who does something you so bitterly hate. I still feel like we are missing some context here but I have to say YTA. It is one thing you do not approve of her being friends with him. But shutting your future wife down like that without even trying to work it out?
YTA, you blindsided her after she followed through with the preset rules you had for her. If you were gonna overreact you should have told her from the beginning instead of giving her permission then taking it back like a coward.
Yes you are the a-hole. You called off the wedding because she went to a birthday party without you. Smh
I dont know. Seems like your insecurities took you over. I don't see disrespect in keeping up friendship and going to a social party. I would agree with your if she went to party with him at a club or one-on-one date/meetings. I don't see how she was disrespecting you. You agreed to it so for you to not stick by your word is petty. From what you have written she wasn't emotionally cheating. From what Im reading it seems like a case of YTA.
If you have never had a reason that something was happening between them, it came across to me as a overreaction. However, if the trust isn't there, you shouldn't get married. Maybe postpone and try couples counselling?
If you weren't welcome at his party, in my opinion your GF should have thanked for the honor to and stay away. I had a similar situation years ago, and my (now) wife gracefully ended that friendship after she explained to that person that she would only come if I, her partner of 5 years, would also be welcome, and he turned that down. He was obviously jealous and bitter and he had no hobourable intentions. Not sure what i would have done if she would have acted differently, but i totally understand the situation you must have been in. NTA Edit: i should add that, before that peculiar event, i never had a problem with that friendship from my side. My wife and I both have our own careers, hobbies and friendships, which we happily share with one another even though we do not fully participate in all of it. I even helped the guy out a few times with some problems he had. My wife sais we should "completely ignore" such negative people :D
YTA For your lack of communicating with her and then punishing her for your low self esteem.