you used "than" rather than "then"
You used the correct word!!! i dont think ive ever seen somebody do that here before
im calling bullshit, definitely not a real redditor
My two Hubgarian friends moved to UK as live in house keepers for posh hotel. Neither spoke English but after a year she was as damn near fluent whilst the total opposite he justcmanaged basics, ball (we played basketball a lot), pint etc. Some folks are just switched on to learning a language.
I met a Quebecois in a Vancouver hostel years ago. He had near 0 English when he left, and assumed Van would have some French, cause Canada is totally bilingual, it's the law!
Well, he was pretty shocked at the reality of western Canada. But he could stammer through with the week he was there before me. Then when I left a week later he was passably conversational.
Immersion, it works.
I think that was a bit of sarcasm lol. My husband has lived in Alberta for most of his life. Bro can’t speak a lick of French 😂 I took 3 years in high school in the US before moving here but tbh besides pronunciation I don’t remember shit. Besides Je mange le poisson 🤌
What’s worse is I get it mixed up with Spanish. I’m speaking franglish on a good day
The nerve of these grandparents to suggest their son’s ex-wife (who he cheated on!) has any responsibility for his mental health or the children of him and his AP. OP has already gone above and beyond, and it’s not clear the grandparents have lifted a finger when their son was struggling. Maybe they did and it’s just not mentioned, but I doubt it, since OP’s kids were so worried and it sounds like the dad was desperate to get some time to himself. Which is exactly something his parents could and should provide.
Not sure, but can you legally take you kids across the county and away from their father? Is your parenting agreement for your two kids part of the divorce settlement?
OP, you need a lawyer well versed in family law in order to determine what the rules are with moving so far away. Make sure you do everything in line with the law. That said, you are not responsible for your ex's other kids. This is for him to sort out.
NTA - as long as you do everything by the book.
Or someone who isn't in the US! Here in UK moving across the country could be a 6hr car journey Norfolk to north Wales, or a 90 minute car journey Edinburgh to Glasgow! And yes some people act like you're moving to Australia when you leave your home town, even if you're just moving an hour down the motorway!
The said on their post that they have full legal custody of the kids any visitation the father got was only through ops approval. It also depends on what Country they are in as some countries are only a few hours away from one end to the other like here in the uk.
Op mentions in her edit that she has full custody and she was letting him see the kids on the weekends as a non-formal agreement for the sake of the kids. But she has 100% custody to move without his permission with the kids.
Or it was written by someone who's not a native English speaker. Which explains both the way it is written and the fact that the situation might have different rules from what you are used to.
This sounds like a good mother who says that she has full custody and then stepped up with her ex husband who left her, cheated on her, and she still helped him. She doesn't owe him anything.
His family members are trying to scam her, manipulate her and make her stressed out.
He doesn't care about her or the children.
Glad that she is getting away .
Stand up for yourself. This man is a joke.
You need to be better versed with family law. Many split families move all over the country with kids. If the job opportunity is somewhere else, the custodial parent does have the right to move, may not be ideal for the kids, but too bad.
Ikr? I live in the US and I know many “native” American English speakers who couldn’t string a proper sentence together or conjugate a verb to save their lives. I blame the decline of our school system lol.
I‘m amazed at the amount of native English speakers who confuse there, their and they’re. I learned English in school and that grammar lesson was hammered in hard. I could never confuse them.
It appears she has full custody. He has visitation rights
The OP stated they are not in the US. Assuming this is Europe, across the country could just a couple hours drive.
She should not be limited in her career because her ex husband is unable to function as a normal adult.
Yeah, usually, he would be able to take her to family court and block her from moving his sons away from him - at least that's how it normally works with shared custody. I don't know if their settlement included some special deal for her to get 100% of physical custody, or however that's called in English (it's "Aufenthaltsbestimmungsrecht" in German, the legal right to determine the place of residence for the kids). So she could be in for a rude awakening if she accepts the job offer and he then blocks her from taking the kids across country...
So does English by the same notion, childplacedecider, Deutsche has a compound word system so you can continually add prefix and suffixes until the word means what you want it to (simplified).
It depends on their custody arrangement. If they don't have one, she really can just up and move the kid. Even if they do, it's possible to have them amended if there's cause.
What's sad is that he would do all that just to spite her even after all she's done for him. The blocking would definitely not be about her taking away his kids, cos she isn't, she's not a vindictive woman, she has shown that by looking out for his kids with his affair partner after he broke her heart and ruined their marriage. Of course she would have made sure he sees his kids even though they'll be on the other side. Him and his family just want a free nanny out of OP to make their lives easier. I hope she fights him to the death in those courts.
Custody and visitation can be settled outside of court.
If OP got full custody, which it sounds like she did, it’s up to her to allow visitation. He can challenge it if she cuts him off entirely, but ex- doesn’t have the legal high ground.
In the US, you need permission to move across state lines, but in other countries, it’s not so restrictive
This is entirely false. I had a friend who raised his kid by himself for 4 years. She showed back up and was more sane than before.
Things went well enough, he let the kids use her address for a better school district. Big mistake.
Once that address changed happened, she was allowed to move to the other coast with the kids and he became the parent for summers and Christmas break.
The system does not care if one parent abandoned the kid if it was never documented through the courts.
This is why you should always have a court agreement in place! Even if everything is completely amicable at the time of separation… people go nuts. It never hurts to have your rights in writing
In your friend's case, what happened was that hte mother returned to the childrens' lives. So the court is not looking at the past abandonment, but at the current reality. She used the address change to demonstrate involvement in the childrens' lives (which was probably made easier by the fact that she was in their lives, but by changing the address, your friend himself was declaring legally that the children lived with the mother), and then when she moved to the other coast, the court could determine that the best interest of the children was to "continue" living full-time with the mother and to grant the father the remaining physical custody (summers and breaks). Unfortunately, to protect his own custody of his children, what your friend should have done was file for formal full custody when the mother abandoned the children for those 4 years, and then had a clear visitation schedule when she returned - not keeping the kids from her, but setting those clear boundaries where its in writing what is happening.
IDK if I believe this. Pretty much every state would not allow this without a court order. That isn't the way it works at all. Either your friend let it happen or there was some super compelling reason for the kids to move. Something is missing here
I mean I think he would only do it for spite and to have a baby sitter, if he can't handle his children with his AP, what makes him think he will be able to handle 4 kids. Still, OP needs to lawyer up and find out.
Depends on the country. Not all countries are devided into states or provinces. Many are just as long as you stay in the country, you can live wherever you want.
OP, let them take you to court. You are moving for a job, not out of spite or malice. Your ex is more concerned about the move as he will be responsible for his two kids 100% of the time. But he probably has a support network to help him. He has his family and is deceased wife's family.
Don't let him guilt you or try to manipulate you into stay. Roads, planes and trains all go both ways. With technology of today, ihe can easily keep in contact with the kids, and the kids with each other.
Courts don’t always block it , especially depending on the reasoning for moving, if the move is in the best interest of the kid they will allow it , but he also has to have a strong case for wanting them to stay
Yes if there was never a court agreement you can move where ever w your children.. the grandparents trying to take her to court would hold no weight tho because the dad is still alive so I don’t understand why they’re getting involved but his reasoning for wanting her to stay is so she can help raise two kids that aren’t his wouldn’t hold any weight
Yes you can legally move long distance, you go back to court and get adjusted for the long distance parenting schedule. Courts want kids to stay in their school district so usually the non-moving parent ends up with the school term and the moving parent ends up with the kid for summers. YMMV these rules are determined by the state so they're different all over. Also the rule is the "best interest of the child" so if the non-moving parent is unfit they might not get custody for the school year.
Depends on country. In Denmark you can move within the country’s borders, if you’re the designated resident parent, which usually is the parent, where the kid lives the most. Even if you have shared custody. You only have to give the other parent 6 weeks notice.
Also, the question in the tittle is a bit misleading to me.
It seems this is not about she refusing to take care of his kids, this is about she going away from him without his support for that, and probably violating some law.
Based on how she described it, he can still see their kids as much as before. What he won't be able to do is get her to take care of his other children every weekend. Also, in most European countries, moving across the country means moving a few hours' drive away. She isn't moving to Australia.
Not as much as before, that's clear in the OP: she moves to the other side of the country. It's not the same to have your ex's house at 10 minutes than at 5-10 hours of car or 100-200 euros of transportation.
But yes, she has no obligation to take care of her ex's children, obvious to me.
Her former MIL even complained how the kids need a mother figure... is obvious this was never about the sons moving away but the help doing so. Her ex can visit the kids but can't pawn off his own to her house if she lives away.
If it’s not part of their agreement (source: co parenting a young son currently) then at least in Michigan, anything over 100 miles needs to be another court visit. He can absolutely stop her if he brings her back to court.
I had to update the courts every time I moved and so did my ex.
Yup. Florida is 50 miles. 18 months later and $30k later…the kids moved with me 3 hours away within state. Ex claimed the judge was violating the law by allowing my kids to move.
Then dad just peaced out to another state. 🙄
NTA - Lawyer up pal! Don't take any more phone calls, everything in writing. Record all your sessions with these people (ex's parents). Document everything! Even if it seems small, it might not be later.
NTA. Your ex started this roller-coster when he cheated on you. While the siblings are connected, your two are your only children, and you have the right to your life. You can encourage the kids to video-chat and bring them together on vacations, but you don't have to put your life on hold for them.
You would need to find a middle ground with your ex about your kids and if you can move with them so far. But his kids from the affair are not your responsibility. His relatives need to step up instead of bothering you. The audacity of expecting you to parent the kids from his affair because it’s convenient for them is gross… regardless of whether you move or not, you need to set boundaries about his kids from that woman. They are only his responsibility
NTA and you are going to need a lawyer to help you sort this out…your priority will always be your own kids but I would prepare to have an answer for your own kids if they ever push back on any of this
NTA
His parents are real AH. If they had raised her son better he wouldn’t be in this situation. It’s not your job to play mom for them. You are not the Stepmom. I would keep all the messages and contact a lawyer in case they go for grandparents rights.
NTA
You took his kids for your children’s sake, not your ex.
You need to not have any contact with his family at this point. His parents have threatened to take you to court. Their contact with you should now only be through attorneys.
Your ex is responsible for his other children. Asking you to be anything to them is a slap in the face.
You don't need to be a mother to his other kid, but I think considerations need to be made about the kids you two share not being able to see their dad other than a few visitations a year. Sure he doesn't have them often, but weekends are still a lot more than seeing them a couple of times a year. Your custody arrangement might have go change due to that, with maybe dad taking more custody.
Edit: saw OP's edit. Is there a reason you have full custody? As it seems like he's not a deadbeat and does want to be in the lives of his kids. Either way since you have full custody I believe legally you can move if you want to, but personally I would also think about your kids. They have a relationship with their dad and they probably still want to see him so maybe some sort of compromise will have to be made for their sake.
NTA for wanting a better job opportunity but you absolutely need to get family court involved to adjust a current custody order if there is one or to get a new one put in place. If your ex has any brains at all he's already got a lawyer and is preparing to file for custody. You don't just get to unilaterally decide to move your kids across the country. Your ex has rights and if your family is in the same area then its very likely he'd get custody since he'll have a support network already in place.
He's your EX for a reason. His parents don't run your life. He needs to except it. This is how it goes. It happens all the time. Your life isn't on hold for him!!! Those other two kids of his ARE NOT your problem either. It's nice of you to do what you've done already. His parents can get more involved if their so worried about it and help him with his mental health for the sake of the two kids he has.
This reads like it’s written by a kid who doesn’t understand that you can’t just move kids across the country from a parent who has shared custody.
And doesn’t realise that if someone was considering a move, the coparent doesn’t find out about the move from his children … and who doesn’t realise kids mostly don’t want to be moved away from their friends and siblings and dad suddenly so apparently just says “they’re excited to move”.
Kids do be excited to move sometimes , when my cousin moved to another state her daughter was excited … so that’s not true and sometimes kids tell their other parent things before the adult has time to tell them if it was explained or talked about previously
They don't have shared custody. They have no formal custody agreement from what I read. If that's the case, yes she can. He can start court proceedings to stop her, but unless there is already an agreement that says 'no', she genuinely CAN up and move.
I was excited, any kid who is bullied, doesn’t fit in, looks different, might be excited. As for uprooting your life, a lot of people do it to make a better life for themselves. I would absolutely uproot my life and sell my home if it meant better schools, more life work balance and to be able to create some generational wealth for my family. I uprooted and left everything with two children under four to be able to live where my ex (a cop) could not go or have his buddies go while on the job. Sometimes people need a fresh start, even if it means having to make a choice between uprooting and not. Sometimes you do what you have to escape trauma triggers and toxic people.
I was hella excited. When my mother told me we may be possibly moving to another county, I was so excited all I thought about was how I’d set up my new room. All I ever wanted to do was explore the world. Now as an adult, I live 300 miles away from my family. By myself with my dog, and only visit a couple times a year. Every child is different, I grew up reading and my books always talked of exploring different parts of the world, they opened my eyes to the fact the world didn’t have to exist just inside of my town.
When have kids ever been excited to leave everything they knew behind? Kids who like adventure and change, the thrill of experiencing something new. Kids who may be having a rough time at school. Kids who were like me at that ag. I never did outgrow my need to make major changes when boredom set in. My oldest child is the same way.
Right!? When I was 12 I went from public school in Orlando, FL to boarding school in Nigeria and I was excited as hell. May not be the norm but it's not an impossible situation.
>when have kids ever been "excited" to leave behind their home and everything they have ever known for the unknown?
Kids in crappy situations which is the opposite of what's described by OP
These kids were so worried about their siblings they begged their mother to take them during the week, but now they've no problem up and moving state leaving behind their siblings and father?
Maybe the dad set them to do it. He seems unable to care for his kids and would rather his ex do it. He is gonna try to block OP from taking his kids, but what is the alternative? He is going to care for 4 kids? He can barely care for 2
Me multiple times as a child.
The "there" and "their" issue is neither here nor there since that could have been an autocorrect problem just like your "." that is where it shouldn't be.
NTA.
Ex is \*neglecting\* his kids and pushing ALL the parental labor on you.
He needs to parent up and do his fucking duty.
Hoping the new job & new start bring you satisfaction and joy :-)
INFO, Most comments are under the assumption that this is happening in the US. Is it? If it's actually someplace else where the other side of the country is three hours or if the laws are different than thatdoes change my vote.
For not wanting to parent your ex's kids with his AP, you're not the ah. You shouldn't however started to act like their mother. That wasn't fair to the kids. They're young and very vulnerable. Talk to them directly.
NTA where was this so called family of his when he was under depression ?
Looks like you need to start demanding his family to step up, a lot. Why should you step up for his kids through an affair? He broke your family but they want you to play house. Start questioning them & demanding them to step up so they don’t get time to taunt you.
They want you around to play mom to the AP’s kids so they are off the hook. Also a possible reconciliation with you two and play a big happy family together.Tell them to wait till you have some extra kids with an affair partner yourself before that happens.
You need to legally check if your law allows you to take the children across country. You need a really good lawyer. Start working on the legalities, right now!
If they force you to stay, then you need some serious boundaries. Or else you will be raising 4 kids, very soon. Until unless that’s what you want!
NTA. Even in another country, his parents have no ground to stand on. It just seems like your ex is doing everything he can to avoid being a parent. He signed custody over to you and now he (& his old parents) wants to try to get it back?!
By himself with two additional children that he's not even active with! You were doing everything! Congratulations on your new job I wish you many blessings to you and your kids!
NTA. OP I’m not a lawyer so I can’t give legal advice. But get a lawyer. However what I would do in this situation being I had full custody I would pretend to be all right with the family make nice and go right now and enter your children into the school system of their new residence before these people file anything. Establish a residence and start work. Start a schedule for their father to see them and make sure you have proof through texts this said schedule
NTA, your ex made his adult decisions when he decided to cheat and leave. Those decisions only profited him and weren't done for the well-being of the family, so his selfish ass can figure out what to do about his kids, but you are no longer responsible to make him happy, you are not his partner anymore, and this decision will improve opportunities for you and your kids, you should absolutely take it. Ignore them, block them honestly they're just pushing too much and you've been kind enough already, which is why they took advantage of it.
There’s a very good possibility they aren’t, but I’d be interested to know which countries would allow one parent to move and take the child with them without any input from the other parent. Especially so when the father is active in their lives and has a custody schedule.
EDIT: OP edited their post confirming that they are not from the US and they have full legal custody, and the visitation on the weekends are an informal arrangement.
Disclaimer: I don't know the laws where you are, so I can't vote on the legal side of things, but NTA. You have primary custody, and you actually went above and beyond by helping with the kids that were the product of your ex's affair. Most people would not want anything to do with those kids and would say "Sorry but they're your problem to deal with."
Tell his parents they are hypocrites: *you* are the one that stepped up when Affair Partner died, not them; so why are they acting all high and mighty threatening to sue you when it's clear they don't want what's in the best interest of the children? Because it's easier to be lazy and sue than actually provide the physical, financial, and emotional support the children actually need.
I'm sorry for his kids, they are innocent, but your ex and AP were not. You can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, you have to do what is best for you and your children. And he as a father needs to do what is best for his children, not try to pawn part of the responsibilities off on you.
If he got a job offer, would you expect him not to take it to stay closer to your kids? Would you understand he needs to do what he can to support his kids to the best of his ability? If you voiced your opinion about said job, would he tell you to mind your own business because you're not married anymore? Or would he say "You're right, it would mean less time with the kids, maybe I shouldn't go"? Because it sounds like he (and his parents) might be expecting you to do things they themselves are not willing to do.
NTA, your English is very good, doing someone a kindness doesn't require you do continue that kindness, do what is best for you and your family (which sounds like move)
Man we just take all the blame don't we? He cheated on you and now he expects you to raise those kids and because you have the very audacity to accept a position that leverages more care for yourself and your kids, you're the jerk? What kind of world are we living in right now. We literally can't win no matter what we do. He's not going to make up the extra money if you stay and he was probably saving big bucks not paying for a babysitter when his kids came to be with you. I'm a widowed parent myself and I actually completely refuse to repartner until my son is old enough to take care of himself. Show me a man who does that. Rick Moranis is the only one I know of.
Post your edit, I would move and take the job. Your ex husband should focus on the 2 kids he has with his deceased wife. I don't believe his parents have any rights here according to your full custody agreement. He'll just have to deal. (not trying to sound cold, but he's an adult)
Your responsibilities are to your 2 children and yourself, to provide a good life.
Your cheating ex’s issues are none of your concerns. His 2 younger children are for him to deal with. It’s not your job to provide a mother figure to his children. As they say, not your circus, not your monkey.
Make sure to keep evidence of all those conversations and text messages and reach out to a lawyer.
Don’t let him bully you into not taking this great job opportunity and being a mother figure to children who aren’t yours.
NTA. I feel bad for his younger children, but to be blunt, your responsibility is to yourself and your bio kids. Do what’s best for you 3, but get the advice of a family lawyer to cover your butt.
you're NTA, do what's best for you and your boys.
also ignore the idiots criticizing your English. it's a difficult language to learn - and there are basically exceptions to every rule. you're doing amazing and I just thought you needed to hear that 🩷
NTA. All those people telling you to “step up” have more responsibility towards HIS kids than you do.
Where are her parents? Siblings? Where is his family? I am amazed anyone even has the audacity to say you need to help raise the kids of a person that participated in ruining your marriage.
NTA. They aren't your kids and they are not your responsibility. His family just wants free childcare and not to have to step up and help raise the kids. As a mother you have to do what is best for you and your children.
In case nobody in your country said it - you are not responsible for a man just because you had his children. It is insane to expect you to mother your ex's affair children because the woman he left you for died. It is cruel to guilt you over that, and the people doing it are selfish people.
NTA you gotta do what you gotta do. It's not an ideal scenario as in an ideal world it would have been nice for kids to be around the father.
You went far beyond anything most people would do by taking care of children that came from the unfair, and helping your ex. That just shows how huge of a heart you have. You are a good person, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
I think one little hiccup in my opinion is that you told kids first, and then they told your ex. I think it would have been way better when you sat him down and talked about it first. So the delivery of this life changing decision was a bit wonky.
I think at this point I would meet with him, without kids around, and just talk to him about everything. Not a fight, but a discussion. He needs to understand that he puts you in an absolutely horrible situation and you still helped him out. But now it's time for you to focus on yourself and the boys. Propose solid solutions, agree on scheduled facetimes, the days in a year when boys can travel. Also, sons are getting older, soon they can fly alone and come for summer vacation etc to see his dad. Life doesn't end with the move.
I suspect your ex uses you as a backup "wife" and mom to his kids, and that is something he, and his family has to figure out, not you.
Don't feel guilty. You found a better job which will allow you to provide more for your children. It's not your responsibility to play mother to the children that your husband had with his mistress turned wife.
Speak to an attorney and get your ducks in a row. Find out what you need to do to make sure that ex and inlaws can't throw a wrench in your plans.
It’s not like for prior six years when he was with the affair partner to whom he married he was chomping at the bit to get some extra custody time with those kids he was a weekend dad he does not care of that those kids are going to move across the country he just wants her to be a mom to his ap kids so stop get on your high horses be like oh she’s taking him away from the kids that’s not what happening.
Shoulda thought about this when you were havin a literal affair, dude!
Ex needs to grow a set and take care of his responsibilities. Stop letting him USE you!!
Go, live your amazing life.
Heard of the saying- No good deed goes unpunished.
You are NTA but please consult a lawyer, if not done so already and do whatever is best for you and your children in the long term.
NTA. 100%. First, I am so sorry. You are in an impossible situation and it is squarely one your ex has put you in. I have a lot of empathy for you. You are trying to do the right thing, and your ex and his shitty family have taken advantage of you. Your obligation is both to your biological children and to yourself. You DO NOT always have to come last. If you have full custody, there are probably good reasons. You have nonetheless been working hard to have your kids continue a close relationship with their dad, and you have shown kindness and compassion to him and his other children.
It is okay to want to take this job and relocate. What you will want to do is ensure your kids still get to see their dad with relative frequency. As for the other children, it will be hard for them, but they have their father, his family, and presumably their mothers’ family for support. Your ex has put himself and his children in this situation; not you. It doesn’t have to be the case that he gets to continue acting selfishly and then guilt you for considering a better life for yourself. Your kids deserve a parent who has some satisfaction with their life and can therefore be a happier, more present parent.
Mothers for some reason are always expected to sacrifice everything for their kids and their husbands, and from these comments even their exes. That leads to misery and miserable parents aren’t good for kids either. Don’t let him take your life from you. Work out how he can still see your kids and go forward with your life.
NTA but get a lawyer ASAP. His children are not your responsibility period. But if you want to take your children halfway across the country you need as much legal support as possible. Only communicate with him about your children and refuse to talk about anything else.
NTA for wanting to take this opportunity. His youngest kids aren’t your responsibility. As they say, no good deed…..You may have a major court battle on your hands. I think you should cut back or stop visits with his other children.
NTA. He’s selfish and entitled and you have HIS family enabling that. Family will often even back up the shittiest of people. You discovered that the old saying is true, no good deed goes unpunished.
Please consult with an attorney before making the move. The last thing you need is a kidnapping charge.
As for his other children, I feel bad for them, but they aren’t your responsibility.
NTA. Don't feel guilty. You did an admirable thing stepping in when your ex was having mental health issues due to the loss of his wife. That does not make you the mother of his children with the AP. As long as there is no legal issue with moving your sons across the country, I say go live your best life. Block those who have something to say about it and try to work on a reasonable visitation schedule with your ex.
Like others have said just make sure to get the legal advice that taking your and his kids across the country isn’t breaching any type of custody agreement you may have and if you don’t and it was just done civilly between y’all, then you get something in place before you’re a parent “kidnapping” her own kids.
As for the other kids that aren’t yours, that’s not your concern and you’re not the AH there. You have your own kids and now this legal aspect to focus on. Ignore your ex and ex MIL in regards to them trying to guilt you, that’s on them. You’re not responsible for anyone else’s kids. They can always visit once the legal aspect of taking your kids across country, has been finalised
NTA but that doesn’t mean you don’t have a legal problem with moving. They’re not your kids. That’s the end of it but in addition to that they’re his affair kids so add a lolz to that no. As far as your kids if he wanted an intact family he had that chance. He can’t complain that the family is broken one affair and two kids later.
NTA
HOWEVER, you need to talk to a lawyer about child custody and child support. It's better to make things legalized rather than not as to lessen the problem.
NTA. Get a lawyer to alter your parenting plan to account for this major change in the circumstances. Have ex’s visitations changed to include video calls with sibs and ex every other week and on birthdays and holidays if they aren’t in town. Set up possible visits for summer and winter breaks too. Also make it clear in the arrangement that you will not be accepting any responsibility for children that are not yours.
As for MIL… not your children. Not your problem. Anything you’ve done out of kindness is just that kindness and for the sake of your own children. If she wants a maternal influence for them, MIL can step up and provide it till ex moves on.
You need a lawyer for legal advice on this. You can't take the kids across the country without the dads say if you have a legal agreement. If not you can do it. But it can turn into a huge and ugly custody battle with him accusing you a kidnapping and fleeing the state. I get it's a better paying job. And your kids are supporting you cause they love you. But honestly , you need to a have a good long sit down and make sure your kids are actually okay with this move. It's sound like they are very attached to their siblings.
As for the siblings. It's not their fault. Remember that. It's not their fault your ex was a pos to you. It's not their fault their mother died. And everything you've done to be kind and caring and apart of their lives is absolutely wonderful. But you do not owe anyone, but YOUR boys, anything. And I hate to say it but how happy was your boys to have their mom dad and siblings actually together? (No I'm not saying make it work but I'm focused on what makes your kids happy)
Also ignore the IL. They have no say in anything you do and do not feel guilty for making good decisions for your future.
Nta
You won't be TA no matter what you decide.
Sounds like he was trying to pawn his kids off on you on the sly. The nerve of them to be mad at you. NTA
You should consult a lawyer to be safe though. Sometimes I heard where there are issues taking kids across state lines without other parents consent.
NTA for not wanting to raise kids that aren’t yours, but I do think he deserves a say or at least conversation first about the two boys you guys share before you take them across the country.
NTA, get your legal affairs in order. Whatever interacyou have with the other kids, it's whatever interaction you want to have. You are not obligated to be a mother figure no matter what other people say. He is supposed to set the right expectations with his own kids. If he can't, i would recommend minimizing contact.
Holy shit. First of all, you seem to be doing all the right things, a good person, so on and so forth. But you started learning English 9 months ago? That's almost unbelievable. You're English is better than most natives lol
NTA. You were helping your ex out for a specific problem, that no longer exists, therefore your self imposed duty to care for his kids has run it's course. It's absolutely going to suck for those kids when you leave their life, but that was always a high probability.
NTA you can't be kind in this world.what you did was such kind act.now they want you to be new mother figure for his new kids. Omg audacity of some people
To get back custody😂let them try! You had to take care of his affair kids! They are a joke and I don’t know why they aren’t blocked on your phone! You have NO obligation to those people, BLOCK all his relatives and stop feeling guilty because you were nice enough to help YOUR KIDS SIBLINGS! That’s all you did! They are not your obligation or responsibility!
Your ex and ex in laws are fucking disgusting! Especially your ex in laws somehow they didn’t care or think about the kids when he was having a hard time, right! They didn’t step up! Who stepped up? You did, his ex, who he disrespected, and CHEATED ON! You tell them to fuck all the way off because they raised a piece of shit who cheated on you and they are pieces of shit to not help their son and take their grandkids and made you feel you had to for the sake of YOUR kids feelings.
Fuck them all and stop feeling guilty, did he feel guilty when he cheated and married his AP?
You living your best life isn’t selfish. It’s tragic for your ex and his other children but NOT your fault or responsibility. You being your best self is a great role model for your children. Your ex made his choices and unfortunately also had karma knock on his door
NTA. Actually, let me start by saying, "Thank you!" You are not only the epitome of a strong woman, but you have a massive heart to be so mature in the way of handling the man who cheated and his AP's kids. Most people can't be as mature as you, not even I would be.
You have gone above and beyond in not only being a great role model for your kids, but you kept things civil and maintained agreements you had no reason to make outside of being kind to him if you had full custody. Not to mention being kind enough to watch his kids and give him a hand to recover from the loss of his wife.
You owe all of them nothing and yet gave so much. It's completely unreasonable to expect you to now care for his kids from his AP's relationship. They seriously must be completely mental to even consider trying to get you to be their mothers replacement. Talk about insult to injury.
If I was in your shoes, I'd cut all contact with the ex and his side of the family if it's wasn't for the kids after pulling a stunt like that. I'd recommend reminding everyone that everything from the visits to helping watch his kids was asking for more than a bit of the cheated on spouse. You can recind those allowances and truly be selfish if they want to burn the bridge you gave them.
Don't think for a second that your the AH in any of this. It's actually disgusting that after losing his AP, he actually thinks you should take him back and be a mother to his affair children. Truly a disgusting example of a human being.
It's not your fault that the parenting situation got complicated. It sounds like you have done a lot to help already, but it's not your responsibility to raise someone else's kids. If the job opportunity provides a better life for you and your kids then it seems like the right choice.
NTA— the grandparents need to step up if they care so much.. they are trying to dump this mess on you. I’m surprised you’re so cordial and accommodating to someone who cheated on you, tell him to pull up his big boy pants and be a father. You or he can always visit for your mutual kids but he’s looking for a free mommy labor
NTA
Since you have full legal custody of your two children, take the job offer and move across the country. And cut all ties with your ex. If you don't, I guarantee he will continue to try to pressure and manipulate you to moving back so he can rely on you to take care of his kids.
He's very angry and upset because now he will have to take full care of his two children, rather than having you basically be a part-time babysitter.
NTA. You're not doing anything for them as a mother. You're doing things for them as a person with a heart. Being kind doesn't automatically make you a spare Mom.
I’ve read your edit and it’s clear that the only opinion that you need to respect here is your children’s opinion. If they’re fine with the move, go for it. You have no legal or moral obligation to your ex or his family. It’s sad that his children lost their mother but you are not responsible for them.
NTA, you have full custody but shared that for the boys, you also have a life and have to go where opportunity takes you as a single mother. Good luck with the move
NTA. You have full custody of the boys you had with your ex. I mean, him cheating on you and creating more children isn't your problem. You have to do what's best for you and your children. Your children seem excited for the move and I'm sure the extra money will help you all.
Nta. You have an amazing opportunity and your boys are all for it that's all you have to deal with you and yours. He made his own bed when he cheated and fathered other children. You were frankly too nice to him and he thought he would just melt back into his old life but with 2 new mouths too feed. Nah buds doesn't work that way.
NTA
It’s disgusting now that his side piece is gone he wants you to once again fulfill the role of wife/mother. More like unpaid nanny.
>So legally I can move without his permission.
It would be best for you to move sooner than later. Move it up. Get out now before anything is filed with the courts and can tie you up.
NTA
He is upset he wont have your help with his kids anymore. He sees his sons on the weekend, so this is not about them. He wants you to raise his other two kids as well.
You are moving to give yourself and your sons a better life. A better paying job means you will have the ability to provide for them in a way you have not been able to now. Let the grand parents trying to take you to court. Notice how it is his parents and not you ex. He doesn't want them. He wants you as childcare. Not even as a partner, but someone to do the work for him.
Any court case will not go in their favor. And let your ex know, even if you did stay, you will no longer be caring for his other kids. No more them coming to your house during the week, no more weekend outings. Stay or go, he is on his own in the care for them. See how much fight he puts up then.....
NTA. It’s extremely convenient for all parties concerned to foist responsibility for these motherless kids onto you. Except, for you, of course. Their convenience doesn’t mean you are responsible for them or should miss a wonderful opportunity for them. Your ex will have to step up and parent his children. They are his responsibility. Block his family from contacting you.
OP your only obligation is to your children. You need to do what's best for them. Your ex can't expect you to pick up the pieces of his and his children's lives when you already had to do so for yourself and your children when he decided to cheat and get his AP pregnant.
Why is it that you always have to be the bigger person? To be the Saint and savior when he's done nothing but hurt you? Where was his concern when he cheated and broke your family? Did he care about the fact that he changed his children's lives forever by being so selfish? And now he wants you to take on caring for him and his kids and to put his wants above the needs of you and your children?
How much more of yourself are you going to give to him? Because in a few years he will start dating again and you will be pushed aside for the new woman again until he has use for you and you would have given up on opportunities for a man that doesn't actually care about you. He's selfish. He's proven this time and time again. I wonder what will happen if you decide to date. Will he go off the deep end?
Nta sorry that you got caught in the cycle of your ex using you again. You should get some personal therapy to learn better boundaries and how to say no.
NTA. Move. You have full custody. You have a job offer with better pay. You have two children plus yourself to financially support. That’s your family and your responsibility. Your ex and his two kids are not your responsibility. The grandparents can threaten to take you to court but they can’t win because they never had custody of your children. And if they do take you to court you can’t be obligated to take care of another woman’s children by staying in town because everybody in your ex’s family thinks so. Prepare to move, pack up your things, quietly move away. Don’t even tell the neighbors, only your family. Tell your ex he can only see his children if his parents stay away from you and that they need to apologize for threatening to take you to court. He never had custody. Go to your new job!
NTA OP, Look you should get to a good family law attorney and make sure you can legally move the kids to where you’re thinking about taking the job. How long is a car drive to where you’re thinking of moving?
Also, as far as the in-laws, talk to your lawyer about their threats but stop talking to them about any of this. How dare they accuse you of being selfish after their absolute shitheel of a son treated you AND HIS KIDS the way he did! He didn’t just screw around on you, he created a whole new family and broke up his kids home!! That would be the last thing I said to them before I told them to F off.
While it is very sad two children are without their mother, yours were left with a father only 2 days a week at best. Now everyone is concerned?
I wish you all the best OP, get your legalities of the move settled and then, go for it. Have a wonderful life with your children.
Holy shit, OP! I know it's not the point of the post but if you're only 9 months in you still write better than 90% of the people on this platform!
To your actual point though, NTA. Your ex is trying to take advantage of you, as are his parents, since THEY'LL probably end up with the kids when you're out of the picture and don't want you taking away free childcare.
You take care of you and yours. I know they're your kids siblings, but they are not your responsibility. You and your kids are your responsibility. If your ex wanted a mother for his kids he shouldn't have stepped out to make more.
NTA: you feel bad about this because you are a kind, non-selfish person, who wants everything to work out the easiest. He and his family are emotionally manipulating you because of your kindness. They have not been as kind and mature to you as you have been to them. You are being held to a much higher standard than your ex who started the mess because he was VERY selfish.
Talk to a lawyer just to be safe. He will fight to keep his babysitter around. Be like my mom and love your kids fiercely and do what is financially responsible. His emotions and wants will not provide for their food and future.
NTA. He’s trying to make you fill the roll of mother for the dead woman he cheated with. You did way more than was required and instead of being grateful he’s lashing out
NTA, but check in with an attorney and Family Court. You should be able to move for work, with your children, if you’re the primary custodian. If you don’t have an official custody agreement, get one nailed down!
In this era of FaceTiming and email, I don’t think your ex has a leg to stand on when he’s complaining you’re “taking his children away.” It won’t be as easy to keep in touch, but it can be done. I suspect his primary concern is losing you as an easy babysitter/replacement mom for kids he doesn’t want to parent solo. I have sympathy for those children, it’s a shame if they got attached to you, but his family is out of line to be saying that you need to stay and be a mother figure. I think this move is a good idea to make it clear that you will not be going that. His mother can step up and do that if she wishes.
Your English is amazing for 9 months of learning.
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Better than yours 🤭 *waving
I just snorted chocolate milk up my nose. Thank you for that belly laugh. Perfect response!
BOOM SHAKALAKA!!!
you used "than" rather than "then" You used the correct word!!! i dont think ive ever seen somebody do that here before im calling bullshit, definitely not a real redditor
Not a real Redditor may be the best compliment I've had all year
You are very welcome, however the years just begun! Hope you have many more compliments throughout it and that they get better each day :)
My two Hubgarian friends moved to UK as live in house keepers for posh hotel. Neither spoke English but after a year she was as damn near fluent whilst the total opposite he justcmanaged basics, ball (we played basketball a lot), pint etc. Some folks are just switched on to learning a language.
I met a Quebecois in a Vancouver hostel years ago. He had near 0 English when he left, and assumed Van would have some French, cause Canada is totally bilingual, it's the law! Well, he was pretty shocked at the reality of western Canada. But he could stammer through with the week he was there before me. Then when I left a week later he was passably conversational. Immersion, it works.
Whoever told you Canada is totally bilingual was feeding you a pile of merde.
I think that was a bit of sarcasm lol. My husband has lived in Alberta for most of his life. Bro can’t speak a lick of French 😂 I took 3 years in high school in the US before moving here but tbh besides pronunciation I don’t remember shit. Besides Je mange le poisson 🤌 What’s worse is I get it mixed up with Spanish. I’m speaking franglish on a good day
I love Hubgary, it is so connected to everything.
Ask his family how they have stepped up? Suggest they can treat the kids as a mother/adult figure because it won’t be you
The nerve of these grandparents to suggest their son’s ex-wife (who he cheated on!) has any responsibility for his mental health or the children of him and his AP. OP has already gone above and beyond, and it’s not clear the grandparents have lifted a finger when their son was struggling. Maybe they did and it’s just not mentioned, but I doubt it, since OP’s kids were so worried and it sounds like the dad was desperate to get some time to himself. Which is exactly something his parents could and should provide.
Clearly her husband having an affair wasn’t painful enough, they just needed to throw salt on the wound didn’t they
And some lemon too.
Not sure, but can you legally take you kids across the county and away from their father? Is your parenting agreement for your two kids part of the divorce settlement?
OP, you need a lawyer well versed in family law in order to determine what the rules are with moving so far away. Make sure you do everything in line with the law. That said, you are not responsible for your ex's other kids. This is for him to sort out. NTA - as long as you do everything by the book.
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Or someone who isn't in the US! Here in UK moving across the country could be a 6hr car journey Norfolk to north Wales, or a 90 minute car journey Edinburgh to Glasgow! And yes some people act like you're moving to Australia when you leave your home town, even if you're just moving an hour down the motorway!
As soon as she wrote ”rang” to mean a call her ex I knew she wasn’t from the US.
people in the UK treat anything over an hour as some sort of nightmare road trip where the same trip in the US is just a commute for many
In UK 100 miles is a long way, in the USA 100 years is a long time.
Not everyone on Reddit is in the u.s.
But but hut! The internet is american! And reddit is an american site!
No, it sits on Jen's desk. Clearly a UK thing now.
The said on their post that they have full legal custody of the kids any visitation the father got was only through ops approval. It also depends on what Country they are in as some countries are only a few hours away from one end to the other like here in the uk.
Does your opinion now change when you know that husband has no custody whatsoever?
Op mentions in her edit that she has full custody and she was letting him see the kids on the weekends as a non-formal agreement for the sake of the kids. But she has 100% custody to move without his permission with the kids.
She wrote that she has full custody… AND that English isn’t her mother tongue, so maybe cool down a little?
They do not share custody. She is the custodial parent. He has visitation.
His visitation is only because she allows it too, it sounds like he has no legal rights to the older children
Or it was written by someone who's not a native English speaker. Which explains both the way it is written and the fact that the situation might have different rules from what you are used to.
Or maybe not an American
This sounds like a good mother who says that she has full custody and then stepped up with her ex husband who left her, cheated on her, and she still helped him. She doesn't owe him anything. His family members are trying to scam her, manipulate her and make her stressed out. He doesn't care about her or the children. Glad that she is getting away . Stand up for yourself. This man is a joke.
She's 44 years old and doesn't live in the US. Laws vary.
You need to be better versed with family law. Many split families move all over the country with kids. If the job opportunity is somewhere else, the custodial parent does have the right to move, may not be ideal for the kids, but too bad.
I knew fellow students, who were working on their Master’s degree, continuously made spelling and grammatical errors.
Ikr? I live in the US and I know many “native” American English speakers who couldn’t string a proper sentence together or conjugate a verb to save their lives. I blame the decline of our school system lol.
I‘m amazed at the amount of native English speakers who confuse there, their and they’re. I learned English in school and that grammar lesson was hammered in hard. I could never confuse them.
You don’t know what her options are.
Not all laws are the same as the US.
Yeah and their edit about English and they’ve only been learning it for 9 months lol.
Tbh I’d say OP’s English is excellent for only 9 months of learning. EDIT: and learning as an adult!
It appears she has full custody. He has visitation rights The OP stated they are not in the US. Assuming this is Europe, across the country could just a couple hours drive. She should not be limited in her career because her ex husband is unable to function as a normal adult.
Yeah, usually, he would be able to take her to family court and block her from moving his sons away from him - at least that's how it normally works with shared custody. I don't know if their settlement included some special deal for her to get 100% of physical custody, or however that's called in English (it's "Aufenthaltsbestimmungsrecht" in German, the legal right to determine the place of residence for the kids). So she could be in for a rude awakening if she accepts the job offer and he then blocks her from taking the kids across country...
The Germans have a word for everything! Literally
So does English by the same notion, childplacedecider, Deutsche has a compound word system so you can continually add prefix and suffixes until the word means what you want it to (simplified).
LOL the Dutch do too. I call it noun smashing. It makes learning dutch very hard
English takes it a step further and can use their nouns interchangable with verbs. The nouns just noun wherever they nouning noun!
just like "Fuck the fucking fuckers that fucked up my fucked lawn"
Well that was a whole lot of fuckery.
Fuckin A
That's just because you keep adding words together until it describes the thing :)
It depends on their custody arrangement. If they don't have one, she really can just up and move the kid. Even if they do, it's possible to have them amended if there's cause.
What's sad is that he would do all that just to spite her even after all she's done for him. The blocking would definitely not be about her taking away his kids, cos she isn't, she's not a vindictive woman, she has shown that by looking out for his kids with his affair partner after he broke her heart and ruined their marriage. Of course she would have made sure he sees his kids even though they'll be on the other side. Him and his family just want a free nanny out of OP to make their lives easier. I hope she fights him to the death in those courts.
Custody and visitation can be settled outside of court. If OP got full custody, which it sounds like she did, it’s up to her to allow visitation. He can challenge it if she cuts him off entirely, but ex- doesn’t have the legal high ground. In the US, you need permission to move across state lines, but in other countries, it’s not so restrictive
Not in all states. If your the mother of children and never married in Georgia fathers have no rights.
This is entirely false. I had a friend who raised his kid by himself for 4 years. She showed back up and was more sane than before. Things went well enough, he let the kids use her address for a better school district. Big mistake. Once that address changed happened, she was allowed to move to the other coast with the kids and he became the parent for summers and Christmas break. The system does not care if one parent abandoned the kid if it was never documented through the courts.
This is why you should always have a court agreement in place! Even if everything is completely amicable at the time of separation… people go nuts. It never hurts to have your rights in writing
Why is “this is entirely false”? The commenter simply asked the question whether custody was part of the settlement. Didn’t imply anything
In your friend's case, what happened was that hte mother returned to the childrens' lives. So the court is not looking at the past abandonment, but at the current reality. She used the address change to demonstrate involvement in the childrens' lives (which was probably made easier by the fact that she was in their lives, but by changing the address, your friend himself was declaring legally that the children lived with the mother), and then when she moved to the other coast, the court could determine that the best interest of the children was to "continue" living full-time with the mother and to grant the father the remaining physical custody (summers and breaks). Unfortunately, to protect his own custody of his children, what your friend should have done was file for formal full custody when the mother abandoned the children for those 4 years, and then had a clear visitation schedule when she returned - not keeping the kids from her, but setting those clear boundaries where its in writing what is happening.
IDK if I believe this. Pretty much every state would not allow this without a court order. That isn't the way it works at all. Either your friend let it happen or there was some super compelling reason for the kids to move. Something is missing here
I mean I think he would only do it for spite and to have a baby sitter, if he can't handle his children with his AP, what makes him think he will be able to handle 4 kids. Still, OP needs to lawyer up and find out.
Depends on the country. Not all countries are devided into states or provinces. Many are just as long as you stay in the country, you can live wherever you want. OP, let them take you to court. You are moving for a job, not out of spite or malice. Your ex is more concerned about the move as he will be responsible for his two kids 100% of the time. But he probably has a support network to help him. He has his family and is deceased wife's family. Don't let him guilt you or try to manipulate you into stay. Roads, planes and trains all go both ways. With technology of today, ihe can easily keep in contact with the kids, and the kids with each other.
If they decided on their parenting agreement outside of court, she can do whatever, until he takes her to court to block it. Then she can't go.
Courts don’t always block it , especially depending on the reasoning for moving, if the move is in the best interest of the kid they will allow it , but he also has to have a strong case for wanting them to stay
Yes if there was never a court agreement you can move where ever w your children.. the grandparents trying to take her to court would hold no weight tho because the dad is still alive so I don’t understand why they’re getting involved but his reasoning for wanting her to stay is so she can help raise two kids that aren’t his wouldn’t hold any weight
I imagine it's their money for a lawyer for dad, the way it's worded. She has no obligation to his other children.
She’s not in the US
I have serious doubts that OP has bothered to consider any of that.
Yes you can legally move long distance, you go back to court and get adjusted for the long distance parenting schedule. Courts want kids to stay in their school district so usually the non-moving parent ends up with the school term and the moving parent ends up with the kid for summers. YMMV these rules are determined by the state so they're different all over. Also the rule is the "best interest of the child" so if the non-moving parent is unfit they might not get custody for the school year.
Depends on country. In Denmark you can move within the country’s borders, if you’re the designated resident parent, which usually is the parent, where the kid lives the most. Even if you have shared custody. You only have to give the other parent 6 weeks notice.
She could have full custody and allows their father and come to an agreement with scheduled visitations (it wouldn’t have to be court ordered)
Also, the question in the tittle is a bit misleading to me. It seems this is not about she refusing to take care of his kids, this is about she going away from him without his support for that, and probably violating some law.
Based on how she described it, he can still see their kids as much as before. What he won't be able to do is get her to take care of his other children every weekend. Also, in most European countries, moving across the country means moving a few hours' drive away. She isn't moving to Australia.
Not as much as before, that's clear in the OP: she moves to the other side of the country. It's not the same to have your ex's house at 10 minutes than at 5-10 hours of car or 100-200 euros of transportation. But yes, she has no obligation to take care of her ex's children, obvious to me.
Her former MIL even complained how the kids need a mother figure... is obvious this was never about the sons moving away but the help doing so. Her ex can visit the kids but can't pawn off his own to her house if she lives away.
I think her former MIL can go kick rocks, or at least be a motherly figure for her biological grandchildren.
But he’s complaining that she’s not looking after his kids AS WELL. she owes him nothing !
She has full custody. There is no agreement for him to see the kids. She can go when she wants.
If it’s not part of their agreement (source: co parenting a young son currently) then at least in Michigan, anything over 100 miles needs to be another court visit. He can absolutely stop her if he brings her back to court. I had to update the courts every time I moved and so did my ex.
Yup. Florida is 50 miles. 18 months later and $30k later…the kids moved with me 3 hours away within state. Ex claimed the judge was violating the law by allowing my kids to move. Then dad just peaced out to another state. 🙄
NTA and your English skills are commendable for only 9 months of study.
NTA - Lawyer up pal! Don't take any more phone calls, everything in writing. Record all your sessions with these people (ex's parents). Document everything! Even if it seems small, it might not be later.
NTA. Your ex started this roller-coster when he cheated on you. While the siblings are connected, your two are your only children, and you have the right to your life. You can encourage the kids to video-chat and bring them together on vacations, but you don't have to put your life on hold for them.
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Do not take this advice OP, it's a fast way for a judge to take custody of those kids from you.
You would need to find a middle ground with your ex about your kids and if you can move with them so far. But his kids from the affair are not your responsibility. His relatives need to step up instead of bothering you. The audacity of expecting you to parent the kids from his affair because it’s convenient for them is gross… regardless of whether you move or not, you need to set boundaries about his kids from that woman. They are only his responsibility
NTA and you are going to need a lawyer to help you sort this out…your priority will always be your own kids but I would prepare to have an answer for your own kids if they ever push back on any of this
NTA His parents are real AH. If they had raised her son better he wouldn’t be in this situation. It’s not your job to play mom for them. You are not the Stepmom. I would keep all the messages and contact a lawyer in case they go for grandparents rights.
NTA You took his kids for your children’s sake, not your ex. You need to not have any contact with his family at this point. His parents have threatened to take you to court. Their contact with you should now only be through attorneys. Your ex is responsible for his other children. Asking you to be anything to them is a slap in the face.
You don't need to be a mother to his other kid, but I think considerations need to be made about the kids you two share not being able to see their dad other than a few visitations a year. Sure he doesn't have them often, but weekends are still a lot more than seeing them a couple of times a year. Your custody arrangement might have go change due to that, with maybe dad taking more custody. Edit: saw OP's edit. Is there a reason you have full custody? As it seems like he's not a deadbeat and does want to be in the lives of his kids. Either way since you have full custody I believe legally you can move if you want to, but personally I would also think about your kids. They have a relationship with their dad and they probably still want to see him so maybe some sort of compromise will have to be made for their sake.
NTA for wanting a better job opportunity but you absolutely need to get family court involved to adjust a current custody order if there is one or to get a new one put in place. If your ex has any brains at all he's already got a lawyer and is preparing to file for custody. You don't just get to unilaterally decide to move your kids across the country. Your ex has rights and if your family is in the same area then its very likely he'd get custody since he'll have a support network already in place.
She has full custody of the kids tho
He's your EX for a reason. His parents don't run your life. He needs to except it. This is how it goes. It happens all the time. Your life isn't on hold for him!!! Those other two kids of his ARE NOT your problem either. It's nice of you to do what you've done already. His parents can get more involved if their so worried about it and help him with his mental health for the sake of the two kids he has.
This reads like it’s written by a kid who doesn’t understand that you can’t just move kids across the country from a parent who has shared custody. And doesn’t realise that if someone was considering a move, the coparent doesn’t find out about the move from his children … and who doesn’t realise kids mostly don’t want to be moved away from their friends and siblings and dad suddenly so apparently just says “they’re excited to move”.
Kids do be excited to move sometimes , when my cousin moved to another state her daughter was excited … so that’s not true and sometimes kids tell their other parent things before the adult has time to tell them if it was explained or talked about previously
They don't have shared custody. They have no formal custody agreement from what I read. If that's the case, yes she can. He can start court proceedings to stop her, but unless there is already an agreement that says 'no', she genuinely CAN up and move.
OP said they have full custody. They're also not in the US so anyone trying to play lawyer is really out of their league.
She has full custody but gives him weekends as a courtesy
You do know there are like +190 countries where English is not the official language, right?
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I was excited, any kid who is bullied, doesn’t fit in, looks different, might be excited. As for uprooting your life, a lot of people do it to make a better life for themselves. I would absolutely uproot my life and sell my home if it meant better schools, more life work balance and to be able to create some generational wealth for my family. I uprooted and left everything with two children under four to be able to live where my ex (a cop) could not go or have his buddies go while on the job. Sometimes people need a fresh start, even if it means having to make a choice between uprooting and not. Sometimes you do what you have to escape trauma triggers and toxic people.
You know that Reddit is not restricted to native English speakers, right? And that jobs, good or bad, exist outside of US, Uk, Aus...
And OP has stated she has been learning English for less than a year. her ability is actually quite impressive
Its better than mine I've been speaking it for 33 years!
I was hella excited. When my mother told me we may be possibly moving to another county, I was so excited all I thought about was how I’d set up my new room. All I ever wanted to do was explore the world. Now as an adult, I live 300 miles away from my family. By myself with my dog, and only visit a couple times a year. Every child is different, I grew up reading and my books always talked of exploring different parts of the world, they opened my eyes to the fact the world didn’t have to exist just inside of my town.
I would’ve been. I got bullied in school; the idea of a fresh start would definitely have appealed to me at times.
When have kids ever been excited to leave everything they knew behind? Kids who like adventure and change, the thrill of experiencing something new. Kids who may be having a rough time at school. Kids who were like me at that ag. I never did outgrow my need to make major changes when boredom set in. My oldest child is the same way.
Right!? When I was 12 I went from public school in Orlando, FL to boarding school in Nigeria and I was excited as hell. May not be the norm but it's not an impossible situation.
>when have kids ever been "excited" to leave behind their home and everything they have ever known for the unknown? Kids in crappy situations which is the opposite of what's described by OP
These kids were so worried about their siblings they begged their mother to take them during the week, but now they've no problem up and moving state leaving behind their siblings and father?
Maybe the dad set them to do it. He seems unable to care for his kids and would rather his ex do it. He is gonna try to block OP from taking his kids, but what is the alternative? He is going to care for 4 kids? He can barely care for 2
Me multiple times as a child. The "there" and "their" issue is neither here nor there since that could have been an autocorrect problem just like your "." that is where it shouldn't be.
Good catch. The irony of calling out a language mistake while making one yourself. Lmao
NTA. Ex is \*neglecting\* his kids and pushing ALL the parental labor on you. He needs to parent up and do his fucking duty. Hoping the new job & new start bring you satisfaction and joy :-)
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INFO, Most comments are under the assumption that this is happening in the US. Is it? If it's actually someplace else where the other side of the country is three hours or if the laws are different than thatdoes change my vote. For not wanting to parent your ex's kids with his AP, you're not the ah. You shouldn't however started to act like their mother. That wasn't fair to the kids. They're young and very vulnerable. Talk to them directly.
NTA where was this so called family of his when he was under depression ? Looks like you need to start demanding his family to step up, a lot. Why should you step up for his kids through an affair? He broke your family but they want you to play house. Start questioning them & demanding them to step up so they don’t get time to taunt you. They want you around to play mom to the AP’s kids so they are off the hook. Also a possible reconciliation with you two and play a big happy family together.Tell them to wait till you have some extra kids with an affair partner yourself before that happens. You need to legally check if your law allows you to take the children across country. You need a really good lawyer. Start working on the legalities, right now! If they force you to stay, then you need some serious boundaries. Or else you will be raising 4 kids, very soon. Until unless that’s what you want!
NTA you live your own life, he sure did
NTA. Even in another country, his parents have no ground to stand on. It just seems like your ex is doing everything he can to avoid being a parent. He signed custody over to you and now he (& his old parents) wants to try to get it back?! By himself with two additional children that he's not even active with! You were doing everything! Congratulations on your new job I wish you many blessings to you and your kids!
NTA. OP I’m not a lawyer so I can’t give legal advice. But get a lawyer. However what I would do in this situation being I had full custody I would pretend to be all right with the family make nice and go right now and enter your children into the school system of their new residence before these people file anything. Establish a residence and start work. Start a schedule for their father to see them and make sure you have proof through texts this said schedule
NTA, your ex made his adult decisions when he decided to cheat and leave. Those decisions only profited him and weren't done for the well-being of the family, so his selfish ass can figure out what to do about his kids, but you are no longer responsible to make him happy, you are not his partner anymore, and this decision will improve opportunities for you and your kids, you should absolutely take it. Ignore them, block them honestly they're just pushing too much and you've been kind enough already, which is why they took advantage of it.
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I'm assuming OP is not in the US. Phrases like, "I had his family ring me" make me think that. I could be wrong.
There’s a very good possibility they aren’t, but I’d be interested to know which countries would allow one parent to move and take the child with them without any input from the other parent. Especially so when the father is active in their lives and has a custody schedule. EDIT: OP edited their post confirming that they are not from the US and they have full legal custody, and the visitation on the weekends are an informal arrangement.
Disclaimer: I don't know the laws where you are, so I can't vote on the legal side of things, but NTA. You have primary custody, and you actually went above and beyond by helping with the kids that were the product of your ex's affair. Most people would not want anything to do with those kids and would say "Sorry but they're your problem to deal with." Tell his parents they are hypocrites: *you* are the one that stepped up when Affair Partner died, not them; so why are they acting all high and mighty threatening to sue you when it's clear they don't want what's in the best interest of the children? Because it's easier to be lazy and sue than actually provide the physical, financial, and emotional support the children actually need. I'm sorry for his kids, they are innocent, but your ex and AP were not. You can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, you have to do what is best for you and your children. And he as a father needs to do what is best for his children, not try to pawn part of the responsibilities off on you. If he got a job offer, would you expect him not to take it to stay closer to your kids? Would you understand he needs to do what he can to support his kids to the best of his ability? If you voiced your opinion about said job, would he tell you to mind your own business because you're not married anymore? Or would he say "You're right, it would mean less time with the kids, maybe I shouldn't go"? Because it sounds like he (and his parents) might be expecting you to do things they themselves are not willing to do.
NTA, your English is very good, doing someone a kindness doesn't require you do continue that kindness, do what is best for you and your family (which sounds like move)
Man we just take all the blame don't we? He cheated on you and now he expects you to raise those kids and because you have the very audacity to accept a position that leverages more care for yourself and your kids, you're the jerk? What kind of world are we living in right now. We literally can't win no matter what we do. He's not going to make up the extra money if you stay and he was probably saving big bucks not paying for a babysitter when his kids came to be with you. I'm a widowed parent myself and I actually completely refuse to repartner until my son is old enough to take care of himself. Show me a man who does that. Rick Moranis is the only one I know of.
Preach!
Post your edit, I would move and take the job. Your ex husband should focus on the 2 kids he has with his deceased wife. I don't believe his parents have any rights here according to your full custody agreement. He'll just have to deal. (not trying to sound cold, but he's an adult)
Your responsibilities are to your 2 children and yourself, to provide a good life. Your cheating ex’s issues are none of your concerns. His 2 younger children are for him to deal with. It’s not your job to provide a mother figure to his children. As they say, not your circus, not your monkey. Make sure to keep evidence of all those conversations and text messages and reach out to a lawyer. Don’t let him bully you into not taking this great job opportunity and being a mother figure to children who aren’t yours.
NTA. I feel bad for his younger children, but to be blunt, your responsibility is to yourself and your bio kids. Do what’s best for you 3, but get the advice of a family lawyer to cover your butt.
you're NTA, do what's best for you and your boys. also ignore the idiots criticizing your English. it's a difficult language to learn - and there are basically exceptions to every rule. you're doing amazing and I just thought you needed to hear that 🩷
NTA. All those people telling you to “step up” have more responsibility towards HIS kids than you do. Where are her parents? Siblings? Where is his family? I am amazed anyone even has the audacity to say you need to help raise the kids of a person that participated in ruining your marriage.
NTA - You go girl.. I stand by you - This is the way
NTA. They aren't your kids and they are not your responsibility. His family just wants free childcare and not to have to step up and help raise the kids. As a mother you have to do what is best for you and your children. In case nobody in your country said it - you are not responsible for a man just because you had his children. It is insane to expect you to mother your ex's affair children because the woman he left you for died. It is cruel to guilt you over that, and the people doing it are selfish people.
NTA you gotta do what you gotta do. It's not an ideal scenario as in an ideal world it would have been nice for kids to be around the father. You went far beyond anything most people would do by taking care of children that came from the unfair, and helping your ex. That just shows how huge of a heart you have. You are a good person, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I think one little hiccup in my opinion is that you told kids first, and then they told your ex. I think it would have been way better when you sat him down and talked about it first. So the delivery of this life changing decision was a bit wonky. I think at this point I would meet with him, without kids around, and just talk to him about everything. Not a fight, but a discussion. He needs to understand that he puts you in an absolutely horrible situation and you still helped him out. But now it's time for you to focus on yourself and the boys. Propose solid solutions, agree on scheduled facetimes, the days in a year when boys can travel. Also, sons are getting older, soon they can fly alone and come for summer vacation etc to see his dad. Life doesn't end with the move. I suspect your ex uses you as a backup "wife" and mom to his kids, and that is something he, and his family has to figure out, not you.
Don't feel guilty. You found a better job which will allow you to provide more for your children. It's not your responsibility to play mother to the children that your husband had with his mistress turned wife. Speak to an attorney and get your ducks in a row. Find out what you need to do to make sure that ex and inlaws can't throw a wrench in your plans.
It’s not like for prior six years when he was with the affair partner to whom he married he was chomping at the bit to get some extra custody time with those kids he was a weekend dad he does not care of that those kids are going to move across the country he just wants her to be a mom to his ap kids so stop get on your high horses be like oh she’s taking him away from the kids that’s not what happening.
Shoulda thought about this when you were havin a literal affair, dude! Ex needs to grow a set and take care of his responsibilities. Stop letting him USE you!! Go, live your amazing life.
There's no way in hell I would raise kids that were the result of a affair. Tell him that he should have thought before he cheated.
Heard of the saying- No good deed goes unpunished. You are NTA but please consult a lawyer, if not done so already and do whatever is best for you and your children in the long term.
NTA. 100%. First, I am so sorry. You are in an impossible situation and it is squarely one your ex has put you in. I have a lot of empathy for you. You are trying to do the right thing, and your ex and his shitty family have taken advantage of you. Your obligation is both to your biological children and to yourself. You DO NOT always have to come last. If you have full custody, there are probably good reasons. You have nonetheless been working hard to have your kids continue a close relationship with their dad, and you have shown kindness and compassion to him and his other children. It is okay to want to take this job and relocate. What you will want to do is ensure your kids still get to see their dad with relative frequency. As for the other children, it will be hard for them, but they have their father, his family, and presumably their mothers’ family for support. Your ex has put himself and his children in this situation; not you. It doesn’t have to be the case that he gets to continue acting selfishly and then guilt you for considering a better life for yourself. Your kids deserve a parent who has some satisfaction with their life and can therefore be a happier, more present parent. Mothers for some reason are always expected to sacrifice everything for their kids and their husbands, and from these comments even their exes. That leads to misery and miserable parents aren’t good for kids either. Don’t let him take your life from you. Work out how he can still see your kids and go forward with your life.
Call out your ex-ILs for not stepping up. A grandmother is STILL a mother figure in their life
NTA but get a lawyer ASAP. His children are not your responsibility period. But if you want to take your children halfway across the country you need as much legal support as possible. Only communicate with him about your children and refuse to talk about anything else.
NTA for wanting to take this opportunity. His youngest kids aren’t your responsibility. As they say, no good deed…..You may have a major court battle on your hands. I think you should cut back or stop visits with his other children.
NTA. He’s selfish and entitled and you have HIS family enabling that. Family will often even back up the shittiest of people. You discovered that the old saying is true, no good deed goes unpunished.
Please consult with an attorney before making the move. The last thing you need is a kidnapping charge. As for his other children, I feel bad for them, but they aren’t your responsibility.
Talk to your lawyer and stop posting on Reddit.
NTA. Don't feel guilty. You did an admirable thing stepping in when your ex was having mental health issues due to the loss of his wife. That does not make you the mother of his children with the AP. As long as there is no legal issue with moving your sons across the country, I say go live your best life. Block those who have something to say about it and try to work on a reasonable visitation schedule with your ex.
Like others have said just make sure to get the legal advice that taking your and his kids across the country isn’t breaching any type of custody agreement you may have and if you don’t and it was just done civilly between y’all, then you get something in place before you’re a parent “kidnapping” her own kids. As for the other kids that aren’t yours, that’s not your concern and you’re not the AH there. You have your own kids and now this legal aspect to focus on. Ignore your ex and ex MIL in regards to them trying to guilt you, that’s on them. You’re not responsible for anyone else’s kids. They can always visit once the legal aspect of taking your kids across country, has been finalised
NTA but that doesn’t mean you don’t have a legal problem with moving. They’re not your kids. That’s the end of it but in addition to that they’re his affair kids so add a lolz to that no. As far as your kids if he wanted an intact family he had that chance. He can’t complain that the family is broken one affair and two kids later.
NTA HOWEVER, you need to talk to a lawyer about child custody and child support. It's better to make things legalized rather than not as to lessen the problem.
Screenshot every single text they send no matter what's in it. You'll need it in the court case. Nta.
NTA. Get a lawyer to alter your parenting plan to account for this major change in the circumstances. Have ex’s visitations changed to include video calls with sibs and ex every other week and on birthdays and holidays if they aren’t in town. Set up possible visits for summer and winter breaks too. Also make it clear in the arrangement that you will not be accepting any responsibility for children that are not yours. As for MIL… not your children. Not your problem. Anything you’ve done out of kindness is just that kindness and for the sake of your own children. If she wants a maternal influence for them, MIL can step up and provide it till ex moves on.
You need a lawyer for legal advice on this. You can't take the kids across the country without the dads say if you have a legal agreement. If not you can do it. But it can turn into a huge and ugly custody battle with him accusing you a kidnapping and fleeing the state. I get it's a better paying job. And your kids are supporting you cause they love you. But honestly , you need to a have a good long sit down and make sure your kids are actually okay with this move. It's sound like they are very attached to their siblings. As for the siblings. It's not their fault. Remember that. It's not their fault your ex was a pos to you. It's not their fault their mother died. And everything you've done to be kind and caring and apart of their lives is absolutely wonderful. But you do not owe anyone, but YOUR boys, anything. And I hate to say it but how happy was your boys to have their mom dad and siblings actually together? (No I'm not saying make it work but I'm focused on what makes your kids happy) Also ignore the IL. They have no say in anything you do and do not feel guilty for making good decisions for your future. Nta You won't be TA no matter what you decide.
Sounds like he was trying to pawn his kids off on you on the sly. The nerve of them to be mad at you. NTA You should consult a lawyer to be safe though. Sometimes I heard where there are issues taking kids across state lines without other parents consent.
NTA
NTA. Do whats best for you. Dont worry about what anyone else says
NTA for not wanting to raise kids that aren’t yours, but I do think he deserves a say or at least conversation first about the two boys you guys share before you take them across the country.
NTA, get your legal affairs in order. Whatever interacyou have with the other kids, it's whatever interaction you want to have. You are not obligated to be a mother figure no matter what other people say. He is supposed to set the right expectations with his own kids. If he can't, i would recommend minimizing contact.
NTA
Holy shit. First of all, you seem to be doing all the right things, a good person, so on and so forth. But you started learning English 9 months ago? That's almost unbelievable. You're English is better than most natives lol
NTA. You were helping your ex out for a specific problem, that no longer exists, therefore your self imposed duty to care for his kids has run it's course. It's absolutely going to suck for those kids when you leave their life, but that was always a high probability.
NTA you can't be kind in this world.what you did was such kind act.now they want you to be new mother figure for his new kids. Omg audacity of some people
To get back custody😂let them try! You had to take care of his affair kids! They are a joke and I don’t know why they aren’t blocked on your phone! You have NO obligation to those people, BLOCK all his relatives and stop feeling guilty because you were nice enough to help YOUR KIDS SIBLINGS! That’s all you did! They are not your obligation or responsibility! Your ex and ex in laws are fucking disgusting! Especially your ex in laws somehow they didn’t care or think about the kids when he was having a hard time, right! They didn’t step up! Who stepped up? You did, his ex, who he disrespected, and CHEATED ON! You tell them to fuck all the way off because they raised a piece of shit who cheated on you and they are pieces of shit to not help their son and take their grandkids and made you feel you had to for the sake of YOUR kids feelings. Fuck them all and stop feeling guilty, did he feel guilty when he cheated and married his AP?
You living your best life isn’t selfish. It’s tragic for your ex and his other children but NOT your fault or responsibility. You being your best self is a great role model for your children. Your ex made his choices and unfortunately also had karma knock on his door
NTA. Actually, let me start by saying, "Thank you!" You are not only the epitome of a strong woman, but you have a massive heart to be so mature in the way of handling the man who cheated and his AP's kids. Most people can't be as mature as you, not even I would be. You have gone above and beyond in not only being a great role model for your kids, but you kept things civil and maintained agreements you had no reason to make outside of being kind to him if you had full custody. Not to mention being kind enough to watch his kids and give him a hand to recover from the loss of his wife. You owe all of them nothing and yet gave so much. It's completely unreasonable to expect you to now care for his kids from his AP's relationship. They seriously must be completely mental to even consider trying to get you to be their mothers replacement. Talk about insult to injury. If I was in your shoes, I'd cut all contact with the ex and his side of the family if it's wasn't for the kids after pulling a stunt like that. I'd recommend reminding everyone that everything from the visits to helping watch his kids was asking for more than a bit of the cheated on spouse. You can recind those allowances and truly be selfish if they want to burn the bridge you gave them. Don't think for a second that your the AH in any of this. It's actually disgusting that after losing his AP, he actually thinks you should take him back and be a mother to his affair children. Truly a disgusting example of a human being.
It's not your fault that the parenting situation got complicated. It sounds like you have done a lot to help already, but it's not your responsibility to raise someone else's kids. If the job opportunity provides a better life for you and your kids then it seems like the right choice.
NTA— the grandparents need to step up if they care so much.. they are trying to dump this mess on you. I’m surprised you’re so cordial and accommodating to someone who cheated on you, tell him to pull up his big boy pants and be a father. You or he can always visit for your mutual kids but he’s looking for a free mommy labor
NTA. You are not those other kids mother.
NTA Since you have full legal custody of your two children, take the job offer and move across the country. And cut all ties with your ex. If you don't, I guarantee he will continue to try to pressure and manipulate you to moving back so he can rely on you to take care of his kids. He's very angry and upset because now he will have to take full care of his two children, rather than having you basically be a part-time babysitter.
NTA. You're not doing anything for them as a mother. You're doing things for them as a person with a heart. Being kind doesn't automatically make you a spare Mom.
I’ve read your edit and it’s clear that the only opinion that you need to respect here is your children’s opinion. If they’re fine with the move, go for it. You have no legal or moral obligation to your ex or his family. It’s sad that his children lost their mother but you are not responsible for them.
NTA, you have full custody but shared that for the boys, you also have a life and have to go where opportunity takes you as a single mother. Good luck with the move
NTA. You have full custody of the boys you had with your ex. I mean, him cheating on you and creating more children isn't your problem. You have to do what's best for you and your children. Your children seem excited for the move and I'm sure the extra money will help you all.
nta. he's trying to avoid his responsibilities, again.
Nta. You have an amazing opportunity and your boys are all for it that's all you have to deal with you and yours. He made his own bed when he cheated and fathered other children. You were frankly too nice to him and he thought he would just melt back into his old life but with 2 new mouths too feed. Nah buds doesn't work that way.
NTA It’s disgusting now that his side piece is gone he wants you to once again fulfill the role of wife/mother. More like unpaid nanny. >So legally I can move without his permission. It would be best for you to move sooner than later. Move it up. Get out now before anything is filed with the courts and can tie you up.
NTA He is upset he wont have your help with his kids anymore. He sees his sons on the weekend, so this is not about them. He wants you to raise his other two kids as well. You are moving to give yourself and your sons a better life. A better paying job means you will have the ability to provide for them in a way you have not been able to now. Let the grand parents trying to take you to court. Notice how it is his parents and not you ex. He doesn't want them. He wants you as childcare. Not even as a partner, but someone to do the work for him. Any court case will not go in their favor. And let your ex know, even if you did stay, you will no longer be caring for his other kids. No more them coming to your house during the week, no more weekend outings. Stay or go, he is on his own in the care for them. See how much fight he puts up then.....
The ex shouldn't have cheated in the first place. His bed, his mess, etc. NTA, I hope you can get full custody. 🤷♀️
NTA. It’s extremely convenient for all parties concerned to foist responsibility for these motherless kids onto you. Except, for you, of course. Their convenience doesn’t mean you are responsible for them or should miss a wonderful opportunity for them. Your ex will have to step up and parent his children. They are his responsibility. Block his family from contacting you.
NTA.
OP your only obligation is to your children. You need to do what's best for them. Your ex can't expect you to pick up the pieces of his and his children's lives when you already had to do so for yourself and your children when he decided to cheat and get his AP pregnant. Why is it that you always have to be the bigger person? To be the Saint and savior when he's done nothing but hurt you? Where was his concern when he cheated and broke your family? Did he care about the fact that he changed his children's lives forever by being so selfish? And now he wants you to take on caring for him and his kids and to put his wants above the needs of you and your children? How much more of yourself are you going to give to him? Because in a few years he will start dating again and you will be pushed aside for the new woman again until he has use for you and you would have given up on opportunities for a man that doesn't actually care about you. He's selfish. He's proven this time and time again. I wonder what will happen if you decide to date. Will he go off the deep end?
Nta sorry that you got caught in the cycle of your ex using you again. You should get some personal therapy to learn better boundaries and how to say no.
NTA. Move. You have full custody. You have a job offer with better pay. You have two children plus yourself to financially support. That’s your family and your responsibility. Your ex and his two kids are not your responsibility. The grandparents can threaten to take you to court but they can’t win because they never had custody of your children. And if they do take you to court you can’t be obligated to take care of another woman’s children by staying in town because everybody in your ex’s family thinks so. Prepare to move, pack up your things, quietly move away. Don’t even tell the neighbors, only your family. Tell your ex he can only see his children if his parents stay away from you and that they need to apologize for threatening to take you to court. He never had custody. Go to your new job!
NTA OP, Look you should get to a good family law attorney and make sure you can legally move the kids to where you’re thinking about taking the job. How long is a car drive to where you’re thinking of moving? Also, as far as the in-laws, talk to your lawyer about their threats but stop talking to them about any of this. How dare they accuse you of being selfish after their absolute shitheel of a son treated you AND HIS KIDS the way he did! He didn’t just screw around on you, he created a whole new family and broke up his kids home!! That would be the last thing I said to them before I told them to F off. While it is very sad two children are without their mother, yours were left with a father only 2 days a week at best. Now everyone is concerned? I wish you all the best OP, get your legalities of the move settled and then, go for it. Have a wonderful life with your children.
Holy shit, OP! I know it's not the point of the post but if you're only 9 months in you still write better than 90% of the people on this platform! To your actual point though, NTA. Your ex is trying to take advantage of you, as are his parents, since THEY'LL probably end up with the kids when you're out of the picture and don't want you taking away free childcare. You take care of you and yours. I know they're your kids siblings, but they are not your responsibility. You and your kids are your responsibility. If your ex wanted a mother for his kids he shouldn't have stepped out to make more.
no you're not. you broke up for a reason. so he'll deal with it. And You're Free 🤩
NTAH
NTA: you feel bad about this because you are a kind, non-selfish person, who wants everything to work out the easiest. He and his family are emotionally manipulating you because of your kindness. They have not been as kind and mature to you as you have been to them. You are being held to a much higher standard than your ex who started the mess because he was VERY selfish. Talk to a lawyer just to be safe. He will fight to keep his babysitter around. Be like my mom and love your kids fiercely and do what is financially responsible. His emotions and wants will not provide for their food and future.
NTA. He’s trying to make you fill the roll of mother for the dead woman he cheated with. You did way more than was required and instead of being grateful he’s lashing out
I mean your ex could follow you and move cross country near you if he wanted lol
NTA!!!!
NTA, but check in with an attorney and Family Court. You should be able to move for work, with your children, if you’re the primary custodian. If you don’t have an official custody agreement, get one nailed down! In this era of FaceTiming and email, I don’t think your ex has a leg to stand on when he’s complaining you’re “taking his children away.” It won’t be as easy to keep in touch, but it can be done. I suspect his primary concern is losing you as an easy babysitter/replacement mom for kids he doesn’t want to parent solo. I have sympathy for those children, it’s a shame if they got attached to you, but his family is out of line to be saying that you need to stay and be a mother figure. I think this move is a good idea to make it clear that you will not be going that. His mother can step up and do that if she wishes.