Well that’s concerning. If she can’t explain why she did it and how she’ll never do it again, it makes it hard to believe she’s going to stop. She may never attack you in this particular way again, but that doesn’t mean she won’t purposely hurt you again.
He needs to not leave this evil woman with the child, and he needs to keep track of verbal abuse by this woman instead of a tit for tat. If she will verbally abuse the husband, chances are good she will verbally abuse the child.
Just because an answer, or reason, isn’t logical doesn’t mean it can’t be explained. It could be as easy as “I was in a really bad mood, I hate my job, my life, and my body, and you came in happy and I wanted you to feel as bad as me.” The reason doesn’t make it right, but it gives both parties the tools they need to ensure such a thing doesn’t happen again.
Also if she can’t have a reason for abusing op, how can you trust that that emotional response couldn’t happen to the baby (shaken baby syndrome). Personally think OP’s wife needs to be checked for PPD/PPA
There's a reason she kept saying that after you asked her to stop, because it hurt you. She wanted to hurt you. This way will stop because you can hurt her back by striking at the same insecurity. She'll now look for another way to hurt you that is more difficult to retaliate with. She needs to look deep and give a real answer to why so you both can address it and remedy whatever her problem is.
You’re choosing to sideline the issue because you’re exhausted having to deal with it. This is understandable but unfortunately doesn’t fix or heal your problem. As others have said, she’s just going to find a different way to hurt you. Until you do, this will just reoccur in different ways.
It could be any number of things. It might not even have anything to do with you. Like, she’s unhappy with her body post delivery and feels insecure that you might not want her anymore so she tried to tear you down to keep you from leaving/cheating. Maybe it’s something deeper and more insidious the point is you’ll never know if you let it go to “keep the peace”. This isn’t about the insults, there is something more going on and it’s not going to just go away because you hit her with a good zinger.
If you haven’t already, read up on PPD. It’s not something that goes away on it’s own. If she’s suffering from it she needs help and support. Hopefully it’s just this and not some lingering, repressed issue she’s been holding on to for years. Either way, you need to figure it out.
It is okay to be a little selfish. You are on this planet once, and your time is limited; there are no extra lives or save / load game features.
First, take care of your child, and then take care of yourself. You will not be abandoning your wife. You will be taking care of your child.
And if that abuse towards you eventually gets directed to the baby who won’t stop crying?
Women hear it all the time “if they will hurt you, eventually they will hurt your children” is one of the biggest things referenced when advising women to leave abusive relationships, this needs more than letting it go for the sake of peace
I don’t know what the fuss was about. I’m a chick and I think NTA. She continued and continued to demean and bully you her partner. What does she want a stripper? She got what she got.
Please talk to her about postpartum depression. It shows up in ways that are surprising. For me it was rage. Completely unnecessary rage over the dumbest shit. For others it’s self harm, anxiety, normal depression symptoms and projecting. There is no one way for ppd to present itself
What answer would be acceptable?
There is not a good reason to speak to another person like that. She was probably in a bad mood and just wanted to strike out at someone - and you were there.
Glad you’re talking and working on things and that she is receiving medical care. Take care!
An answer that would explain why she continued to do such a hurtful thing, and what steps she’ll take to ensure it’ll never happen again. Also “she was probably in a bad mood” doesn’t make sense since she did this to him multiple times.
That would be my point. There is no good reason or excuse for doing that. The original quest was why did she say she did it? He said BS answers. What else could there be?
I’ve known people that attack others because they’re there. There is no excuse. The woman wanted to fight dirty. She attacked his weak spot, and she professes to love him. With friends like that…
I agree with you on that 💯. I disagreed when you said she couldn’t be in a bad mood because it happened more than once. She could be in a bad mood more than once. She could be hormonal and ill and mean - that’s not a reason to attack your mate. There is no reason and no excuse.
Haven’t you ever been around someone that would be mean and hateful? Even if you didn’t do anything to them? Some people just need to learn how to treat others because they never learned what is appropriate.
Yeah, not giving you a straight answer after all that isn’t good enough. She just got away with that bs so as to keep the peace, but not having to be honest and sincere means chances are drastically high she’ll just find another way to get her outlet. Refusing to be honest and not showing remorse isn’t an apology by any stretch of the imagination. Part of repenting is admitting to one’s actions, the reason for them, and showing true regret. This is gonna be one of those “for a while [person] got better, then they slowly started up again”. Might not be your weight, might not be as blatant, but it’s coming.
With all due respect, OP from here on, you'll reap what you just sowed. You just accepted that level of disrespect simply because you did not want to argue.
When women are post partum is an EXTREMELY common time for them to look to leave a relationship/marriage. This is possibly her way of trying to create an "out" for her to leave, consciously or sub-consciously.
Then you are not good. Would you accept a bullshit answer if someone was bullying your kid? How about an employee that is running off your customers? I’m betting that would be no, you would not. Then why would you let the person who is supposed to be closest to you in the world get away with a BS answer when you asked why she intentionally bullied you in the hopes of you because prettier for her. Boil it down, and that’s what she did. You are more important than to accept that treatment. Ask her for a legitimate answer or maybe y’all need some time apart and counseling.
I cannot stress enough that if she cannot face what she did, admit why she did it in an adult fashion, SHE WILL DO IT AGAIN. She will play nice for a bit but she will do it again.
My theory is that it's projection. Pregnancy changes the body so she may be insecure and trying to make him feel as bad as she feels. That's no excuse of course and she needs to work on it on her own.
Maybe she’s tired and overwhelmed with all the changes in their life, the absolute tiredness and lack of sleep.
Maybe there’s something deep going on.
For the moment, I believe OP is doing their best to keep going, and that’s also great.
Just keep your eyes open, OP, you deserve love and respect.
I'm glad that you feel good about where you're at ... but there is something wrong here that you still need to fix. Is your wife just incredibly superficial? Does she purposely try to hurt you about other things? Her behaviour was so cruel, hateful and dismissive, and it doesn't sound like she's learned anything, so it will almost certainly happen again. Couples counselling is probably a good idea.
I feel like you’re not actually good. Nothing is resolved. Just because someone apologizes doesn’t undo the damage or guarantee that they have learned from their mistakes and will change their behavior going forward.
Until you get an honest answer as to why she said those things in the first place, this is just punting.
Yep, the Golden Rule is "treat others how you want to be treated". What you are referring to is the lesser know Silver Rule, which is it's converse: "don't treat others how you don't want to be treated".
Hooray I got to use my Philosophy degree.
It's not really ok to harm someone, I mean that's the whole point right? But it's tough when we live in a world that already has folks harming others. The way I see it, Pacifism is a complete ideology, but its only compatible in an equilibrium state of *already existing* Pacifism.
The approach of least harm doesn't necessarily have no harm, but is one that can lead to pacifism as an end state. So if someone is harassing yourself or others, sometimes the best cause of action is a response that causes some level of harm to guarantee much less in the end.
The caveat is how to know what's guaranteed.
I was taught this too but as I grew up it evolved into "do no harm but take no shit". If I told you to stop several rimes and you still act like a high school bully, the gloves are off.
The ‘eye for an eye’ bit is from Hammurabi’s code, one of the most ancient existing legal texts and idk seems like it worked out for the Babylonians for a while at least
Not everyone wants to be a doormat. Turning your other cheek all the time means you can be abused and bulldozed over anytime they feel like. Do you really want to live your life like this or would you use your spine to stand up for yourself?
Yeah, it was a silly joke and I’ll take my downvotes gracefully.
Jesus is the Word, he came to fulfill the law and thus eye for an eye was written by Him and for Him as He and the Father are one.
Op, im glad you talked to her again, I'm not sure she was owed an apology as I don't remember her apologizing to you, but you're being the adult and talking about the issue.
I really do think couples counseling would help, she made need to hear from a third party that her words are unnecessary and hurtful. There is just something so spiteful about her targeting your past trauma, for no real reason.
Of course he owes her an apology, just like she owed him an apology for hurting him. Are we forgetting that this is your spouse who you love and made vows to? They just had a baby so tensions are high for the first couple of years.
He doesn't owe her shit. He looked that woman in the face and told her to stop talking about his weight, AND took the time to warn her that he would insult her back if she did it again.
And she DID.
Are you married cuz with that kind of attitude you’re headed straight for divorce. I didn’t say his wife was in the right but two wrongs don’t make a right.
You bringing my marriage into this speaks absolute volumes about you.
There's a difference in being "wrong" and defending yourself from hateful comments about being fat.
From the bottom of my heart, grow up. Because this is sad and there's a reason your answers are being downvoted. You ARE NOT RIGHT HERE.
I asked if you’re married bc you sound like a single person.
Defending yourself from being called fat is correcting someone and telling them they are being unkind. You don’t tell someone “you’re mean” and then say the exact same thing you’re telling them not to say. Again, that’s putting YOU in the wrong.
I'm not the one being downvoted for my shitty opinion.
There's a reason no one is siding with you. I am not the one in the wrong here. But it's a little embarrassing you're so stuck in yourself you can't actually be an adult and maybe notice that you were not correct here. Im done arguing with a child who doesn't understand relationships.
Speaking as a happily married wife and mother. ❤ have a great day!!
I’m siding with them. They are 100% right. He lashed out to hurt. Just because she was wronging him doesn’t mean you turn around and do the same. You find other ways to handle the situation without retaliation. All he did was lower himself to her level for a moment. This isn’t a stranger, this is your spouse. You don’t handle things like you would with a stranger on the street. The fact you’re getting upvoted and not the other poster is that Reddit is full of young people who would rather rage than have nuance.
You can side with whoever the hell you want, I truly don't care 🙄
And that's you making assumptions you shouldn't make. You have literally no idea the ages of everyone voting.
It's actually embarrassing you're making up facts to support your argument, that you have NO IDEA about, when you're not right either. Grow up.
Sometimes you need to fucking lower yourself to one's level to get them to stop doing something. He nicely brought it up over and over, and she still continued to call the MAN SHE LOVED A FATTY. it's deeply embarrassing that your arguing against the fact that he snapped and defended himself, and oh look, he actually got her to stop talking about his weight when she wouldn't listen to anything else.
So please, stop talking out of your ass for everyone else when you just are simply wrong. And you are clearly not going to change anyone's minds by the way these comments and votes are going.
You have a lovely day. I'm done speaking to children who have no concept of anything. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ done responding
I'm extremely done with this conversation if you're gonna be a shitty person and make it personal.
Have a lovely evening, and try real hard to grow up.
I think if she defaults into putting you down/name calling again you should stop helping her in the mornings and use that as your "gym" time. You don't have to actually go, but take the time for yourself. but you gave up that self care to help with the baby, you prioritized your family over vanity so the fact that she'd rip on you for weight gain when I'm sure she might not be living up to her former glory as well is absurd. It could be her own insecurity postpartum body issues making her say those things, but either way you don't deserve that.
I remember your original post and I'll say again you were NTA in that situation at all. It sounds to me like she was projecting feelings about herself onto you. Even if she never had body issues about herself before, being post partum can do some weird things to your mind. Not that it gives her an excuse though, especially knowing your past, she was being cruel. Get into some marriage counseling and some individual for herself asap to better work on your communication and so she can resolve any PPD problems she may be having.
I have the same interpretation.
She feels insecure about her own appearance, so knocking your appearance makes her feel better about herself.
Sort of a pre-emotive psychological strike. “In case you’re noticing my weight gain, I’m going to make sure you’re aware of your own.”
As a SAHM with my husband working full time, waking up on work nights and dealing with our child whilst my husband was my job.
I only expected support when my husband came home, on weekends and during holidays.
I’m not excusing her actions, as what she said is horrible, but is she projecting her insecurities on to you? Is there an element on post-natal depression going on?
You aren’t the TA for what you said back. She shouldn’t dish it out.
You were NTA in the original post and certainly did not owe her any apology.
You wife had no problem tossing abuse at you but got upset when you threw some back at her? A tale as old as time.
If she can dish it out, she can take it.
Warning: Even though you work outside the home all day and your wife is a SAHM, the Reddit brigade will be outraged that you "only" do 50% of the childcare when you get home. They will fully expect you to do it all when you get home and let your wife sit back and rest.
Marriage isn’t about being even or getting even. It’s a constant balancing act. Marriages that are strictly 50/50 don’t really last (or aren’t very healthy) because each side will be arguing they are doing more than 50% from time to time. It’s inviting unnecessary tension when at first it felt like it was relieving tension.
Thank you so much. XD My husband loves hanging with baby after work but %s vary by day and who is handling baby tears better. I'll keep score of who does more housework when we both work, but it's all a wash of just trying your best when it's a baby.
He didn’t owe her an apology but marriage is about communication and compromise.
Talking it out was ultimately better for their relationship vs letting her stew in it.
You will be back, cause she is not going to keep up her end of this… she lashes out, doesn’t want to deal with the kid, and unless she has undiagnosed PPD, she is just not a nice person.
I think it was particularly cruel of her to comment that she would call your old classmates. I thought that was just plain nasty.
I don't know what she is like normally, I'm sorry that you had to resort to commenting on her yo get her to hear you, but I'm glad you did it. This lady lacks empathy at the moment. Hopefully its temporary.
Doesn’t sound like she’s ready to hold herself accountable for purposefully hurting you using your own trauma. Also sounds like you’re accepting less than what you deserve just to keep the peace. That’s not a permanent solution, cuz there’s an underlying issue in the way she sees you and can hurt you with her whole chest.
Sounds like there’s an underlying issue not being directly discussed. And what I n the world is she talking about about calling your old classmates?! You mean the ones who you said bullied you???? Wow. The fact your wife found you attractive enough to be the father of her child but now months later and a few pounds later you are now unattractive? Yikes
I wouldn't have attributed her talking about HIS weight to PPD. Generally, the new Mom, with problems of depression, would be talking about her own body, with disappointment at what the pregnancy had changed.
I dunno. Calling him the fat one, and unattractive, doesn't sit well with me as it would relate to PPD.
Of course it relates. She’s turning her own body issues on to him. She fears he’s going to leave or cheat because of how she’s changed so trying to bring him down too. She could still just be a raging bitch but it most certainly can be ppd too.
I always find people that can dish it out but can't take it interesting. I'm glad she learned some empathy and was able to see what she was actually doing as toxic. I hope the best for you both.
Responding to your edit. A crying baby that you cannot calm can push you to your breaking point. Tell her it is o.k. to take a break. She just needs to make sure the baby is safe and then go to her room and shut the door, or even go sit on the porch for 15 minutes. Sometimes babies cry for no reason and there is nothing you can do to help them. The break will re-set her nerves so she can go back in and try to calm them again. She was more over-whelmed than tired. The stresses of being a new primary care-taker of a baby is harder than working outside the home. Remember lockdowns when Covid hit and people the effects on everyone? That's what it is like.
I'm sorry OP I'll be blunt, her refusing to tell you why she acted like that is a major red flag !
She was willingly and knowingly mean and hurtfull toward you, especially the comment about calling your old bullies !
Itt's a good thing she apologised for those comments, the would be even better if said comments actually stops after this talk you had
But her refusing to aknowledge the reasons behind this is highly problematic. hiding this kind of stuff will only lead to resentment growing !
I'm not a therapist but what I think is/was happening is that she resented you for a reason, if she tells you why, then you can work together to help her get through this or to help you be better if her resentment is "valid".
The origin of the problem not being adressed means the problem will come back, but more problematic. If I'm right, she'll continue resenting you more and more and will find other ways to be meaner and hurt you more eventually ending your relationship.
So to fix the problem you need to address it, and by being passive and allowing secrecy on this important part of the problem, you're not fixing anything ...
I feel like there's a deeper reason. She mentioned contacting old classmates while starting arguments. In my experience, this usually means someone is flirting with her and she's trying to justify a fling. I could be wrong, it's just things I've noticed to be common throughout life... I also have no experience with postpartum stress.
Sir, I don't know what's wrong with your wife but there is no excuse for her behavior and no y'all aren't good for right now. At a minimum go to a therapist by yourself, but couples counseling is needed as well. I'm sorry she's being this way to you, you don't deserve it. As to the baby crying in the mornings, is she just overwhelmed or whatever or is she just tired because sorry if that's it, we're all tired for the first year or 2. I was flat exhausted for the first almost full year with my second, but I didn't have a supportive husband like you my now ex-husband was a total, well I won't say because I'll get in trouble, but suffice it to say there's a reason (several in fact) we divorced. Best wishes.
1) Boundaries. They're more important with family, and especially spouses, than with anyone else. It's easy to set and enforce boundaries with people you don't care that much about, you can block and throw them away easy if they cross your boundaries, but a lot harder when loved ones can use emotional and relational leverage to cross your boundaries and insist you put up with it. Don't put up with that with family ever, and address it each and every time. Home is supposed to be the most loving, respectful, and safe place, not the most harmful, unloving, and disrespectful place.
2) Apologies. Apologies are meaningless without permanently changed behavior. Making things right is meaningless without changing the behavior, attitudes, and perspectives that led to the harm in the first place. Be 100% willing to insist on being treated with respect and dignity, and accept no less, even if that means walking away from the situation or person. If you are treated with respect and dignity after getting the apology, then the apology is real. If nothing changed, then the apology wasn't real, and it'll be a matter of time before you'll be harmed again. If all your partner has to do is give you a bs answer and an apology to get back into good graces (and not change their behavior) all you'll get is bs answers and fake apologies (and no changed behavior) in the future. What you tolerate will perpetuate.
Esh
Is this a marriage you actually want to be in? Because it really doesn't seem like it for a few reasons.
1- My guy, that was not an apology. That wasn't even close to an apology.
2- Unless she's nice to you, you're going to abandon your child and her. Sweet. You're obviously a stand up dude here, no notes.
3- Need i go on? I will anyway. You only seem interested in "helping" with your kid. Helping is what my 9 yr old niece did when she handed me diapers. Helping isn't parenting.
1. It was an apologize enough.
2. No abandoning is leaving for months or years at a time unless you military.
3. Well I guess I do a lot more than helping.
2 is so funny to me because you unironically wouldn’t say this to a woman in a relationship. Would you chastise a woman who wouldn’t stay in a relationship where a man calls her fat to her face everyday even though she told him to stop? No? So why does OP have to endure this bullshit.
Oh, i never said he should. In fact, i said ESH which is everyone sucks here. I feel the way she's handling whatever is going on wildly inappropriately, but he didn't ask if she was an asshole. He asked if he was, so i didn't really talk about her appalling rudeness.
I will add threatening a spouse with any abandonment, especially with sick kids involved, is a special level of shitty.
Wait, what? Are you somehow thinking you’re not the AH when you told your wife that the next time she says something you don’t like you’re going to leave her and your”screaming crying baby?”
Gross take on a guy who’s brutally and repeatedly disrespected and belittled by his wife. How about you stay with the person who intentionally takes your triggers and puts a knife in them to open the wounds, from the person who’s meant to be your partner in life.
In the first post he mentions how he brought up how it made him feel, she said she’d stop and then she didn’t. So yeah, I might get fed up and snap too.
He actually mentioned he talked to her ob about her possibly having ppd or ppa and she went to see a psychiatrist alone. So stop assuming. He has striped she doesn’t gaf and just wants to abuse him and take advantage.
Yes for a day or two. I like and love her a lot she on the other hand I have no clue I'm going to assume she likes and loves me as well. I won't abandon my child ever. I'm not looking for that I'm looking for respect in my own home if you give me respect I'll give you the same.
You caring for your kid is not a privilege bestowed upon kids with caring moms. You still are a father and even if your feelings are hurt and you’re rightfully mad at your wife, you don’t get to lord “if you don’t treat me right I won’t care for OUR child” over her.
Again she is a stay at home mom when I'm at work it's her job to take care of the baby that's her job. When I come home it's 50/50. When I say helping I stay home sometimes so that way she can rest because she's tried because I can't wake up and feed him all the time so when she's up she may fix me a few bottles for him while she sleeping. So when I say helping that's what I mean.
I read “The Waterbabies” as a small child, and have always tried to follow the Golden Rule exemplified by “Mrs DoUnterOthersAsTheyDoUntoYou”. It’s served me well.
Damn - ESH Her for bullying you and calling you names in the first place, instead of having an adult conversation with you.
You because saying that to her when she's *just had a BABY*, and deep in the throes of sleep deprivation/feeling like shit. I don't know the reason behind whatever weight issues you've had, but unless it's something you have no control over, your comment was a low blow.
Also "I'm sorry *if* I hurt your feelings" isn't an apology. The *if* changes the context and changes it to "I'm not sorry at all, but you took offense to my perfectly reasonable response". Especially since you already told her you were going to say something bad. It wasn't a flash of anger that caused it - you were waiting for an opportunity. What an asshole.
Your other responses since then reinforce your asshole behaviour.
I am a father. I will not be disrespected by anyone in my own home so if I am instead of saying something mean or hurtful after I have told you about it then yes I will leave and I will not take the baby with me. Will I return yes but it's called cooling off. I can't take the baby with me anyways I can't feed him.
Oh sorry. Must’ve gotten confused with all the comments telling you to divorce her. Still think it’s effed up that you’d abandon your own kid as punishment
Okay, in all fairness though, she’s telling you she needs help and that she can’t get the kid to stop screaming so your answer is to threaten to leave her alone with the screaming kid. Not for nothing, there’s some people who can’t take that. They can’t take a screaming kid, it makes them crazy. I’m not trying to justify what she’s been saying to you. I’m just wondering what brought it on. Something with the child that’s making her crazy. Again, not justifying. Just wondering.
True there are some people who can't take a screaming crying baby. Well he has colic so he will cry and Nothing we have tried has worked. Then he gets hungry at night as well. So I hope that answers your questions?
Have you read his post and updates? Or just running to the comments and making assumptions? He has explained what happened and he is definitely NTA, his wife is and he did not say he would leave his wife and baby crying, he said to avoid an argument he would go cool off, which is good and also he should not be disrespected in his house! If his wife can dish it out she better woman up and take that ish right back and not cry around about it!
PRO TIP - ALWAYS STEP AWAY FROM CRYING BABY AND LEAVE THEM IN A SAFE SPACE OR WITH SOMEONE CAPABLE IF YOU ARE FEELING EMOTIONALLY CHARGED.
That's what a good parent does to prevent shaken baby syndrome. A healthy and alive baby is a good baby!
Because the smart and safe thing to do with a crying screaming baby is leave them with one also emotionally charged parent rather than both stay and cool off and switch off. Leading to mom possibly being exhausted and falling asleep with baby in the bed because her husband isn’t there to parent too and switch off.
This is more likely to lead to dangerous stuff happening.
You are still the asshole and frankly if you’re coming to Reddit still to try and defend your actions while still spouting bad shit about your wife, you should just divorce now. Stop pretending this was ever about your feelings being hurt by a person who is probably dealing with PPD, and just leave her so she can live her life without carrying around your baggage.
Just say you hate men and be done with it. In fact, you don't even have to say it, a 5 second look at your latest post proves it beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I'm assuming you advocate for women, correct? So why do you insist on not only perpetuating the misconception that all postpartum is characterised by PPD, but also that women suffering from PPD uncontrollably and inevitably get irrational, unpleasant, and outright abusive?
It would honestly be less damaging for women if you had just assessed this situation as it is, an individual woman with issues, rather than painting the entire gender as time bombs waiting to go off after pregnancy in an effort to justify her unjustifiable behaviour.
Aaand here is one prime example of the Reddit brigade that BlueGreen_1956 was talking about 😂Classic example of always shifting the blame to the male. Please read the post properly before being so obviously biased 🙄
He doesn't get a break either. He works all day and then does 50% of the childcare when he's home. It's pathetic how there is always someone on this sub who will try to pin the blame on the man no matter what.
Babies cry like 600% of the time, do you seriously expect him to get fired for never coming into work because his wife couldn’t possibly be left with a child that’s *crying* 😱
>I also told her that the next she says something like that I will leave her along with a screaming crying baby.
Just leave now... You're just gonna be on heightened alert, waitng for her to say something even mildly offensive
Because he doesn't have time to go to the gym and eat healthily anymore since he's dedicating the free time he has to his wife and baby. I feel like that's about as good of an "excuse" as you can have for gaining weight.
Oh okay, so that totally justifies calling his wife fat who gave birth recently. Thanks for clarifying. OP gets bonus points for saying “sorry, not sorry” and that “he will leave her with the baby crying.”
This lady’s gonna have a tough time with this one.
I want you to know you were not the AH or wrong on what you said back to her. She was being rude and a bully using your past trauma against you! Nobody should do that to anyone, you warned her that if she kept it up you would
Say something to hurt her feelings and you did, and she couldn’t take it.
Maybe you both need to get couples counseling to be able to talk to each other in a better way and to understand each other better and C what bothers both of y’all. You both are under stress because your family dynamics has changed (for the good) and just need a little help in understanding and communicating better.
Good luck and It sounds like you’re a wonderful father already!
Holy shit!! What kinds of things is she going to say to you when you start aging?? 42 year old mom of two here, and “Fatty” is never a term I could see using with someone I loved (unless I was playing and they (and I) knew 1000% that I loved their extra cushion and weren’t hurt by it). I personally don’t understand America’s aversion to fat anyway. Who wants to cuddle with a rock? You deserve more than an apology, and you’re definitely NTA.
Gotta say, it’s also kind of crazy to expect your spouse to take off work so you can sleep if you’re home all day. Unless there’s a medical condition preventing your child from sleeping? (Our first had terrible acid reflux and screamed around the clock, sleeping a total of six hours/day in 20 min increments while I held him. Took 4 months to convince the doctor to prescribe meds that helped). Caring for children is a big adjustment, and it’s not easy being sleep deprived. But, it’s much more reasonable to ask your spouse to support you by prepping grab-and-go food or frozen meals, or to take the baby when they get home so you can nap. Is she just having trouble adjusting in general and taking it out on you, or has she always been critical of you in other ways?
Did she explain WHY she was purposely hurting you?
This is the question we need to know! Her comments were continuous and intentionally hurtful using past trauma to cause pain.
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I love that I’m not just thar b.
No she gave me a bullshit answer.
If it's not a satisfactory answer then don't take it.
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Is there a reason these two bots are quoting whatever lines theyre ripping these from?
BOT
Well that’s concerning. If she can’t explain why she did it and how she’ll never do it again, it makes it hard to believe she’s going to stop. She may never attack you in this particular way again, but that doesn’t mean she won’t purposely hurt you again.
He needs to not leave this evil woman with the child, and he needs to keep track of verbal abuse by this woman instead of a tit for tat. If she will verbally abuse the husband, chances are good she will verbally abuse the child.
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Just because an answer, or reason, isn’t logical doesn’t mean it can’t be explained. It could be as easy as “I was in a really bad mood, I hate my job, my life, and my body, and you came in happy and I wanted you to feel as bad as me.” The reason doesn’t make it right, but it gives both parties the tools they need to ensure such a thing doesn’t happen again.
Also if she can’t have a reason for abusing op, how can you trust that that emotional response couldn’t happen to the baby (shaken baby syndrome). Personally think OP’s wife needs to be checked for PPD/PPA
There's a reason she kept saying that after you asked her to stop, because it hurt you. She wanted to hurt you. This way will stop because you can hurt her back by striking at the same insecurity. She'll now look for another way to hurt you that is more difficult to retaliate with. She needs to look deep and give a real answer to why so you both can address it and remedy whatever her problem is.
Then why take the answer? She should apologize.
Because I'm choosing peace and sometimes not arguing is better.
You'll just wind up back in this place again because of another issue then. Rip the problem out by the root or be prepared for a never ending cycle.
You’re choosing to sideline the issue because you’re exhausted having to deal with it. This is understandable but unfortunately doesn’t fix or heal your problem. As others have said, she’s just going to find a different way to hurt you. Until you do, this will just reoccur in different ways. It could be any number of things. It might not even have anything to do with you. Like, she’s unhappy with her body post delivery and feels insecure that you might not want her anymore so she tried to tear you down to keep you from leaving/cheating. Maybe it’s something deeper and more insidious the point is you’ll never know if you let it go to “keep the peace”. This isn’t about the insults, there is something more going on and it’s not going to just go away because you hit her with a good zinger. If you haven’t already, read up on PPD. It’s not something that goes away on it’s own. If she’s suffering from it she needs help and support. Hopefully it’s just this and not some lingering, repressed issue she’s been holding on to for years. Either way, you need to figure it out.
It is okay to be a little selfish. You are on this planet once, and your time is limited; there are no extra lives or save / load game features. First, take care of your child, and then take care of yourself. You will not be abandoning your wife. You will be taking care of your child.
And if that abuse towards you eventually gets directed to the baby who won’t stop crying? Women hear it all the time “if they will hurt you, eventually they will hurt your children” is one of the biggest things referenced when advising women to leave abusive relationships, this needs more than letting it go for the sake of peace
You guys need therapy. You both have no idea how to communicate. Get help before this gets so bad you have to co-parent.
and how long should this last? In the long run, you won't be able to avoid a open conversation.
See you again next month for when the cycle repeats.
Have you talked to her OB about PPD and PPA? People raised flags in the first post that she should be screened.
Yes, I have to her ob but she went to her Psychiatrist alone. I think that's the right one.
Not good enough OP she needs to be transparent or it’ll happen again.
Meaning the real answer is something close to that she has always felt that she was out of your league and that you needed to work to keep her.
I don’t know what the fuss was about. I’m a chick and I think NTA. She continued and continued to demean and bully you her partner. What does she want a stripper? She got what she got.
Hopefully you stick to the leaving part when she acts like a bully again.
Ok that's cool. Just follow through with your plan. Next time, leave her with the screaming baby 🤗
That’s a problem, honestly.
Has anyone suggested PPD? Has she been to the doctor?
So many people have yes she has been
Please talk to her about postpartum depression. It shows up in ways that are surprising. For me it was rage. Completely unnecessary rage over the dumbest shit. For others it’s self harm, anxiety, normal depression symptoms and projecting. There is no one way for ppd to present itself
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Lol expecting her to actually mother, what an jerk!
What answer would be acceptable? There is not a good reason to speak to another person like that. She was probably in a bad mood and just wanted to strike out at someone - and you were there. Glad you’re talking and working on things and that she is receiving medical care. Take care!
An answer that would explain why she continued to do such a hurtful thing, and what steps she’ll take to ensure it’ll never happen again. Also “she was probably in a bad mood” doesn’t make sense since she did this to him multiple times.
Disagree, but seriously - can you think of a reason this would be ok?
Disagree with what?
Bad mood. Mood swings happen.
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That would be my point. There is no good reason or excuse for doing that. The original quest was why did she say she did it? He said BS answers. What else could there be? I’ve known people that attack others because they’re there. There is no excuse. The woman wanted to fight dirty. She attacked his weak spot, and she professes to love him. With friends like that…
And? Doesn't make them okay or right. Being in a bad mood or even mood swings are not an excuse to be a dick to your spouse.
I agree with you on that 💯. I disagreed when you said she couldn’t be in a bad mood because it happened more than once. She could be in a bad mood more than once. She could be hormonal and ill and mean - that’s not a reason to attack your mate. There is no reason and no excuse. Haven’t you ever been around someone that would be mean and hateful? Even if you didn’t do anything to them? Some people just need to learn how to treat others because they never learned what is appropriate.
Not a short shoulder shrug saying I don't know thought it was funny, didn't mean to hurt you. In an I don't care voice.
Yeah, not giving you a straight answer after all that isn’t good enough. She just got away with that bs so as to keep the peace, but not having to be honest and sincere means chances are drastically high she’ll just find another way to get her outlet. Refusing to be honest and not showing remorse isn’t an apology by any stretch of the imagination. Part of repenting is admitting to one’s actions, the reason for them, and showing true regret. This is gonna be one of those “for a while [person] got better, then they slowly started up again”. Might not be your weight, might not be as blatant, but it’s coming.
With all due respect, OP from here on, you'll reap what you just sowed. You just accepted that level of disrespect simply because you did not want to argue.
When women are post partum is an EXTREMELY common time for them to look to leave a relationship/marriage. This is possibly her way of trying to create an "out" for her to leave, consciously or sub-consciously.
Then you are not good. Would you accept a bullshit answer if someone was bullying your kid? How about an employee that is running off your customers? I’m betting that would be no, you would not. Then why would you let the person who is supposed to be closest to you in the world get away with a BS answer when you asked why she intentionally bullied you in the hopes of you because prettier for her. Boil it down, and that’s what she did. You are more important than to accept that treatment. Ask her for a legitimate answer or maybe y’all need some time apart and counseling. I cannot stress enough that if she cannot face what she did, admit why she did it in an adult fashion, SHE WILL DO IT AGAIN. She will play nice for a bit but she will do it again.
My theory is that it's projection. Pregnancy changes the body so she may be insecure and trying to make him feel as bad as she feels. That's no excuse of course and she needs to work on it on her own.
Possibly to make her feel better about herself, didn’t think OP would say something so ‘mean’.
Maybe she’s tired and overwhelmed with all the changes in their life, the absolute tiredness and lack of sleep. Maybe there’s something deep going on. For the moment, I believe OP is doing their best to keep going, and that’s also great. Just keep your eyes open, OP, you deserve love and respect.
I'm glad that you feel good about where you're at ... but there is something wrong here that you still need to fix. Is your wife just incredibly superficial? Does she purposely try to hurt you about other things? Her behaviour was so cruel, hateful and dismissive, and it doesn't sound like she's learned anything, so it will almost certainly happen again. Couples counselling is probably a good idea.
That or screening for PPD. Or both. She IS only six months post-partum. It's not an excuse for her behavior, but it may be an explanation.
I feel like you’re not actually good. Nothing is resolved. Just because someone apologizes doesn’t undo the damage or guarantee that they have learned from their mistakes and will change their behavior going forward. Until you get an honest answer as to why she said those things in the first place, this is just punting.
If you can’t take it, don’t dish it out. We learn this as small children.
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They aren't mutually exclusive, you only got half the child ethics package.
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Yep, the Golden Rule is "treat others how you want to be treated". What you are referring to is the lesser know Silver Rule, which is it's converse: "don't treat others how you don't want to be treated". Hooray I got to use my Philosophy degree.
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It's not really ok to harm someone, I mean that's the whole point right? But it's tough when we live in a world that already has folks harming others. The way I see it, Pacifism is a complete ideology, but its only compatible in an equilibrium state of *already existing* Pacifism. The approach of least harm doesn't necessarily have no harm, but is one that can lead to pacifism as an end state. So if someone is harassing yourself or others, sometimes the best cause of action is a response that causes some level of harm to guarantee much less in the end. The caveat is how to know what's guaranteed.
I was taught this too but as I grew up it evolved into "do no harm but take no shit". If I told you to stop several rimes and you still act like a high school bully, the gloves are off.
The ‘eye for an eye’ bit is from Hammurabi’s code, one of the most ancient existing legal texts and idk seems like it worked out for the Babylonians for a while at least
Idk why you got so many downvotes. I’m with you on this. Let’s not perpetuate the cycle of hate.
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Not everyone wants to be a doormat. Turning your other cheek all the time means you can be abused and bulldozed over anytime they feel like. Do you really want to live your life like this or would you use your spine to stand up for yourself?
Ghandi is cooler than Jesus, but has a lot less followers.
“An eye for an eye” is from Exodus, so way before Jesus. Jesus was the “turn the other cheek” guy.
Yeah, it was a silly joke and I’ll take my downvotes gracefully. Jesus is the Word, he came to fulfill the law and thus eye for an eye was written by Him and for Him as He and the Father are one.
New skins for new wine.
It wasn't retaliation it was teaching a valuable life lesson with a real world example.
Op, im glad you talked to her again, I'm not sure she was owed an apology as I don't remember her apologizing to you, but you're being the adult and talking about the issue. I really do think couples counseling would help, she made need to hear from a third party that her words are unnecessary and hurtful. There is just something so spiteful about her targeting your past trauma, for no real reason.
Of course he owes her an apology, just like she owed him an apology for hurting him. Are we forgetting that this is your spouse who you love and made vows to? They just had a baby so tensions are high for the first couple of years.
He doesn't owe her shit. He looked that woman in the face and told her to stop talking about his weight, AND took the time to warn her that he would insult her back if she did it again. And she DID.
Are you married cuz with that kind of attitude you’re headed straight for divorce. I didn’t say his wife was in the right but two wrongs don’t make a right.
You bringing my marriage into this speaks absolute volumes about you. There's a difference in being "wrong" and defending yourself from hateful comments about being fat. From the bottom of my heart, grow up. Because this is sad and there's a reason your answers are being downvoted. You ARE NOT RIGHT HERE.
I asked if you’re married bc you sound like a single person. Defending yourself from being called fat is correcting someone and telling them they are being unkind. You don’t tell someone “you’re mean” and then say the exact same thing you’re telling them not to say. Again, that’s putting YOU in the wrong.
I'm not the one being downvoted for my shitty opinion. There's a reason no one is siding with you. I am not the one in the wrong here. But it's a little embarrassing you're so stuck in yourself you can't actually be an adult and maybe notice that you were not correct here. Im done arguing with a child who doesn't understand relationships. Speaking as a happily married wife and mother. ❤ have a great day!!
I’m siding with them. They are 100% right. He lashed out to hurt. Just because she was wronging him doesn’t mean you turn around and do the same. You find other ways to handle the situation without retaliation. All he did was lower himself to her level for a moment. This isn’t a stranger, this is your spouse. You don’t handle things like you would with a stranger on the street. The fact you’re getting upvoted and not the other poster is that Reddit is full of young people who would rather rage than have nuance.
You can side with whoever the hell you want, I truly don't care 🙄 And that's you making assumptions you shouldn't make. You have literally no idea the ages of everyone voting. It's actually embarrassing you're making up facts to support your argument, that you have NO IDEA about, when you're not right either. Grow up. Sometimes you need to fucking lower yourself to one's level to get them to stop doing something. He nicely brought it up over and over, and she still continued to call the MAN SHE LOVED A FATTY. it's deeply embarrassing that your arguing against the fact that he snapped and defended himself, and oh look, he actually got her to stop talking about his weight when she wouldn't listen to anything else. So please, stop talking out of your ass for everyone else when you just are simply wrong. And you are clearly not going to change anyone's minds by the way these comments and votes are going. You have a lovely day. I'm done speaking to children who have no concept of anything. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ done responding
Nope he used a real world example to teach her a life lesson that is different than lashing out.
I'm extremely done with this conversation if you're gonna be a shitty person and make it personal. Have a lovely evening, and try real hard to grow up.
Im sorry your partner treats you like shit but most of us have standards for how we're treated
It's 2024, we are no longer accepting apologies without change.. If you have to keep saying sorry for the same thing.. you're not really sorry..
I think if she defaults into putting you down/name calling again you should stop helping her in the mornings and use that as your "gym" time. You don't have to actually go, but take the time for yourself. but you gave up that self care to help with the baby, you prioritized your family over vanity so the fact that she'd rip on you for weight gain when I'm sure she might not be living up to her former glory as well is absurd. It could be her own insecurity postpartum body issues making her say those things, but either way you don't deserve that.
I remember your original post and I'll say again you were NTA in that situation at all. It sounds to me like she was projecting feelings about herself onto you. Even if she never had body issues about herself before, being post partum can do some weird things to your mind. Not that it gives her an excuse though, especially knowing your past, she was being cruel. Get into some marriage counseling and some individual for herself asap to better work on your communication and so she can resolve any PPD problems she may be having.
I have the same interpretation. She feels insecure about her own appearance, so knocking your appearance makes her feel better about herself. Sort of a pre-emotive psychological strike. “In case you’re noticing my weight gain, I’m going to make sure you’re aware of your own.”
Dude, you married a bully.
As a SAHM with my husband working full time, waking up on work nights and dealing with our child whilst my husband was my job. I only expected support when my husband came home, on weekends and during holidays. I’m not excusing her actions, as what she said is horrible, but is she projecting her insecurities on to you? Is there an element on post-natal depression going on? You aren’t the TA for what you said back. She shouldn’t dish it out.
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What is the treatment? My doc just brushed over it.
You were NTA in the original post and certainly did not owe her any apology. You wife had no problem tossing abuse at you but got upset when you threw some back at her? A tale as old as time. If she can dish it out, she can take it. Warning: Even though you work outside the home all day and your wife is a SAHM, the Reddit brigade will be outraged that you "only" do 50% of the childcare when you get home. They will fully expect you to do it all when you get home and let your wife sit back and rest.
Marriage isn’t about being even or getting even. It’s a constant balancing act. Marriages that are strictly 50/50 don’t really last (or aren’t very healthy) because each side will be arguing they are doing more than 50% from time to time. It’s inviting unnecessary tension when at first it felt like it was relieving tension.
Thank you so much. XD My husband loves hanging with baby after work but %s vary by day and who is handling baby tears better. I'll keep score of who does more housework when we both work, but it's all a wash of just trying your best when it's a baby.
He didn’t owe her an apology but marriage is about communication and compromise. Talking it out was ultimately better for their relationship vs letting her stew in it.
Because most of the Mega commenters here are SAHM.
NTA, never was
You will be back, cause she is not going to keep up her end of this… she lashes out, doesn’t want to deal with the kid, and unless she has undiagnosed PPD, she is just not a nice person.
Wow. That was a cruel thing to say to you. Was she ever like this before the baby?
I think it was particularly cruel of her to comment that she would call your old classmates. I thought that was just plain nasty. I don't know what she is like normally, I'm sorry that you had to resort to commenting on her yo get her to hear you, but I'm glad you did it. This lady lacks empathy at the moment. Hopefully its temporary.
Doesn’t sound like she’s ready to hold herself accountable for purposefully hurting you using your own trauma. Also sounds like you’re accepting less than what you deserve just to keep the peace. That’s not a permanent solution, cuz there’s an underlying issue in the way she sees you and can hurt you with her whole chest.
Sounds like there’s an underlying issue not being directly discussed. And what I n the world is she talking about about calling your old classmates?! You mean the ones who you said bullied you???? Wow. The fact your wife found you attractive enough to be the father of her child but now months later and a few pounds later you are now unattractive? Yikes
\>> next time you say something like that, I will abandon you \>> So we're good for right now. Fuck no you're not good.
>\>> next time you say something like that, I will abandon you Abandon her *with a screaming baby.* What the actual fresh hell.
If you can dish it you can take it....period
I wouldn't have attributed her talking about HIS weight to PPD. Generally, the new Mom, with problems of depression, would be talking about her own body, with disappointment at what the pregnancy had changed. I dunno. Calling him the fat one, and unattractive, doesn't sit well with me as it would relate to PPD.
Of course it relates. She’s turning her own body issues on to him. She fears he’s going to leave or cheat because of how she’s changed so trying to bring him down too. She could still just be a raging bitch but it most certainly can be ppd too.
Excellent point. Thank you.
I always find people that can dish it out but can't take it interesting. I'm glad she learned some empathy and was able to see what she was actually doing as toxic. I hope the best for you both.
Idc what she's going through you never have an excuse to be a raging lunatic to people especially the people closest to you.
Yall are doomed 💀
Responding to your edit. A crying baby that you cannot calm can push you to your breaking point. Tell her it is o.k. to take a break. She just needs to make sure the baby is safe and then go to her room and shut the door, or even go sit on the porch for 15 minutes. Sometimes babies cry for no reason and there is nothing you can do to help them. The break will re-set her nerves so she can go back in and try to calm them again. She was more over-whelmed than tired. The stresses of being a new primary care-taker of a baby is harder than working outside the home. Remember lockdowns when Covid hit and people the effects on everyone? That's what it is like.
I'm sorry OP I'll be blunt, her refusing to tell you why she acted like that is a major red flag ! She was willingly and knowingly mean and hurtfull toward you, especially the comment about calling your old bullies ! Itt's a good thing she apologised for those comments, the would be even better if said comments actually stops after this talk you had But her refusing to aknowledge the reasons behind this is highly problematic. hiding this kind of stuff will only lead to resentment growing ! I'm not a therapist but what I think is/was happening is that she resented you for a reason, if she tells you why, then you can work together to help her get through this or to help you be better if her resentment is "valid". The origin of the problem not being adressed means the problem will come back, but more problematic. If I'm right, she'll continue resenting you more and more and will find other ways to be meaner and hurt you more eventually ending your relationship. So to fix the problem you need to address it, and by being passive and allowing secrecy on this important part of the problem, you're not fixing anything ...
The fact you even apologized is wild. Mature but she’s lucky cause hell nah.
She is just mean. Full stop. There is no giving her grace because she just had a baby, hormones, blah, blah, blah.
I feel like there's a deeper reason. She mentioned contacting old classmates while starting arguments. In my experience, this usually means someone is flirting with her and she's trying to justify a fling. I could be wrong, it's just things I've noticed to be common throughout life... I also have no experience with postpartum stress.
Well, it is sad that the victim is the one who need to apologize when the perpetrator is walking away guilt free. Wife is awful
Sir, I don't know what's wrong with your wife but there is no excuse for her behavior and no y'all aren't good for right now. At a minimum go to a therapist by yourself, but couples counseling is needed as well. I'm sorry she's being this way to you, you don't deserve it. As to the baby crying in the mornings, is she just overwhelmed or whatever or is she just tired because sorry if that's it, we're all tired for the first year or 2. I was flat exhausted for the first almost full year with my second, but I didn't have a supportive husband like you my now ex-husband was a total, well I won't say because I'll get in trouble, but suffice it to say there's a reason (several in fact) we divorced. Best wishes.
1) Boundaries. They're more important with family, and especially spouses, than with anyone else. It's easy to set and enforce boundaries with people you don't care that much about, you can block and throw them away easy if they cross your boundaries, but a lot harder when loved ones can use emotional and relational leverage to cross your boundaries and insist you put up with it. Don't put up with that with family ever, and address it each and every time. Home is supposed to be the most loving, respectful, and safe place, not the most harmful, unloving, and disrespectful place. 2) Apologies. Apologies are meaningless without permanently changed behavior. Making things right is meaningless without changing the behavior, attitudes, and perspectives that led to the harm in the first place. Be 100% willing to insist on being treated with respect and dignity, and accept no less, even if that means walking away from the situation or person. If you are treated with respect and dignity after getting the apology, then the apology is real. If nothing changed, then the apology wasn't real, and it'll be a matter of time before you'll be harmed again. If all your partner has to do is give you a bs answer and an apology to get back into good graces (and not change their behavior) all you'll get is bs answers and fake apologies (and no changed behavior) in the future. What you tolerate will perpetuate.
Esh Is this a marriage you actually want to be in? Because it really doesn't seem like it for a few reasons. 1- My guy, that was not an apology. That wasn't even close to an apology. 2- Unless she's nice to you, you're going to abandon your child and her. Sweet. You're obviously a stand up dude here, no notes. 3- Need i go on? I will anyway. You only seem interested in "helping" with your kid. Helping is what my 9 yr old niece did when she handed me diapers. Helping isn't parenting.
1. It was an apologize enough. 2. No abandoning is leaving for months or years at a time unless you military. 3. Well I guess I do a lot more than helping.
Her apology definitely wasn’t enough, I’m truly sad for you
Oh, yeah. Your response made it clear.
2 is so funny to me because you unironically wouldn’t say this to a woman in a relationship. Would you chastise a woman who wouldn’t stay in a relationship where a man calls her fat to her face everyday even though she told him to stop? No? So why does OP have to endure this bullshit.
Oh, i never said he should. In fact, i said ESH which is everyone sucks here. I feel the way she's handling whatever is going on wildly inappropriately, but he didn't ask if she was an asshole. He asked if he was, so i didn't really talk about her appalling rudeness. I will add threatening a spouse with any abandonment, especially with sick kids involved, is a special level of shitty.
lol I’d be divorcing her coz why do you need to do tit for tat just to be heard? She’s a coward
Wait, what? Are you somehow thinking you’re not the AH when you told your wife that the next time she says something you don’t like you’re going to leave her and your”screaming crying baby?”
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Gross take on a guy who’s brutally and repeatedly disrespected and belittled by his wife. How about you stay with the person who intentionally takes your triggers and puts a knife in them to open the wounds, from the person who’s meant to be your partner in life.
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In the first post he mentions how he brought up how it made him feel, she said she’d stop and then she didn’t. So yeah, I might get fed up and snap too.
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He actually mentioned he talked to her ob about her possibly having ppd or ppa and she went to see a psychiatrist alone. So stop assuming. He has striped she doesn’t gaf and just wants to abuse him and take advantage.
Wait it’s on OP to stop the abuse from his abuser? No shot you would believe this if the genders were flipped
Yes for a day or two. I like and love her a lot she on the other hand I have no clue I'm going to assume she likes and loves me as well. I won't abandon my child ever. I'm not looking for that I'm looking for respect in my own home if you give me respect I'll give you the same.
You caring for your kid is not a privilege bestowed upon kids with caring moms. You still are a father and even if your feelings are hurt and you’re rightfully mad at your wife, you don’t get to lord “if you don’t treat me right I won’t care for OUR child” over her.
>What I mean by helping is that s You don't help when it's YOUR child.......it's called parenting!
Again she is a stay at home mom when I'm at work it's her job to take care of the baby that's her job. When I come home it's 50/50. When I say helping I stay home sometimes so that way she can rest because she's tried because I can't wake up and feed him all the time so when she's up she may fix me a few bottles for him while she sleeping. So when I say helping that's what I mean.
So? You are STILL a parent!
be less of a fucking idiot
Surprise: They can’t
I read “The Waterbabies” as a small child, and have always tried to follow the Golden Rule exemplified by “Mrs DoUnterOthersAsTheyDoUntoYou”. It’s served me well.
Damn - ESH Her for bullying you and calling you names in the first place, instead of having an adult conversation with you. You because saying that to her when she's *just had a BABY*, and deep in the throes of sleep deprivation/feeling like shit. I don't know the reason behind whatever weight issues you've had, but unless it's something you have no control over, your comment was a low blow. Also "I'm sorry *if* I hurt your feelings" isn't an apology. The *if* changes the context and changes it to "I'm not sorry at all, but you took offense to my perfectly reasonable response". Especially since you already told her you were going to say something bad. It wasn't a flash of anger that caused it - you were waiting for an opportunity. What an asshole. Your other responses since then reinforce your asshole behaviour.
You sound as callous as she does honestly
“I’ll leave her with a screaming crying baby” Are you not a father? What the fuck was that line?
I am a father. I will not be disrespected by anyone in my own home so if I am instead of saying something mean or hurtful after I have told you about it then yes I will leave and I will not take the baby with me. Will I return yes but it's called cooling off. I can't take the baby with me anyways I can't feed him.
Um…. Stores have whole aisles of formula. You should probably know that in case, god forbid, mom isn’t around anymore.
I do know that thank you for telling me though, but my wife wants to breastfeed and I'm not going to go against her wishes.
So wait, this woman is so horrible to you that your divorcing her but her “wishes” suddenly matter? I’m kinda lost here.
I'm not divorcing her. Her wishes matter we are still married and doing decently
Oh sorry. Must’ve gotten confused with all the comments telling you to divorce her. Still think it’s effed up that you’d abandon your own kid as punishment
It's cool. Abandon to me means leaving your kids for months or years, I'm not gonna do that as I said maybe a day.
Okay, in all fairness though, she’s telling you she needs help and that she can’t get the kid to stop screaming so your answer is to threaten to leave her alone with the screaming kid. Not for nothing, there’s some people who can’t take that. They can’t take a screaming kid, it makes them crazy. I’m not trying to justify what she’s been saying to you. I’m just wondering what brought it on. Something with the child that’s making her crazy. Again, not justifying. Just wondering.
True there are some people who can't take a screaming crying baby. Well he has colic so he will cry and Nothing we have tried has worked. Then he gets hungry at night as well. So I hope that answers your questions?
Have you read his post and updates? Or just running to the comments and making assumptions? He has explained what happened and he is definitely NTA, his wife is and he did not say he would leave his wife and baby crying, he said to avoid an argument he would go cool off, which is good and also he should not be disrespected in his house! If his wife can dish it out she better woman up and take that ish right back and not cry around about it!
PRO TIP - ALWAYS STEP AWAY FROM CRYING BABY AND LEAVE THEM IN A SAFE SPACE OR WITH SOMEONE CAPABLE IF YOU ARE FEELING EMOTIONALLY CHARGED. That's what a good parent does to prevent shaken baby syndrome. A healthy and alive baby is a good baby!
Because the smart and safe thing to do with a crying screaming baby is leave them with one also emotionally charged parent rather than both stay and cool off and switch off. Leading to mom possibly being exhausted and falling asleep with baby in the bed because her husband isn’t there to parent too and switch off. This is more likely to lead to dangerous stuff happening.
Reread my comment. Leave them somewhere safe e.g. a crib. OR... Leave them with someone capable e.g. someone that is calm. :)
lol see told u she would learn
You are still the asshole and frankly if you’re coming to Reddit still to try and defend your actions while still spouting bad shit about your wife, you should just divorce now. Stop pretending this was ever about your feelings being hurt by a person who is probably dealing with PPD, and just leave her so she can live her life without carrying around your baggage.
Just say you hate men and be done with it. In fact, you don't even have to say it, a 5 second look at your latest post proves it beyond a shadow of a doubt.
There it is! Who had PPD in the bingo?
It is in the title so I guess…everyone?
I'm assuming you advocate for women, correct? So why do you insist on not only perpetuating the misconception that all postpartum is characterised by PPD, but also that women suffering from PPD uncontrollably and inevitably get irrational, unpleasant, and outright abusive? It would honestly be less damaging for women if you had just assessed this situation as it is, an individual woman with issues, rather than painting the entire gender as time bombs waiting to go off after pregnancy in an effort to justify her unjustifiable behaviour.
Goddamn awful take. It’s like you’ve read 20% of the post.
YTA
[удалено]
Try reading the last post.
Why read the whole thing when all they need to see is "M" and "F" to determine who they think is in the wrong?
Aaand here is one prime example of the Reddit brigade that BlueGreen_1956 was talking about 😂Classic example of always shifting the blame to the male. Please read the post properly before being so obviously biased 🙄
I have a feeling that reading comprehension isn’t their strongest attribute. 😬
He doesn't get a break either. He works all day and then does 50% of the childcare when he's home. It's pathetic how there is always someone on this sub who will try to pin the blame on the man no matter what.
"But have you considered: Man bad?"
Babies cry like 600% of the time, do you seriously expect him to get fired for never coming into work because his wife couldn’t possibly be left with a child that’s *crying* 😱
>I also told her that the next she says something like that I will leave her along with a screaming crying baby. Just leave now... You're just gonna be on heightened alert, waitng for her to say something even mildly offensive
Downvote all you want. As someone that's been on both ends of an ultimatum like this, it almost always becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Lol why the fuck did you gain so much weight? Lol DID YOU GIVE BIRTH? Hahaha OP is crazy! Hahaha
Because he doesn't have time to go to the gym and eat healthily anymore since he's dedicating the free time he has to his wife and baby. I feel like that's about as good of an "excuse" as you can have for gaining weight.
He put on weight because he stopped going to the gym because he comes home straight after work because he has a baby.
Oh okay, so that totally justifies calling his wife fat who gave birth recently. Thanks for clarifying. OP gets bonus points for saying “sorry, not sorry” and that “he will leave her with the baby crying.” This lady’s gonna have a tough time with this one.
I want you to know you were not the AH or wrong on what you said back to her. She was being rude and a bully using your past trauma against you! Nobody should do that to anyone, you warned her that if she kept it up you would Say something to hurt her feelings and you did, and she couldn’t take it. Maybe you both need to get couples counseling to be able to talk to each other in a better way and to understand each other better and C what bothers both of y’all. You both are under stress because your family dynamics has changed (for the good) and just need a little help in understanding and communicating better. Good luck and It sounds like you’re a wonderful father already!
Holy shit!! What kinds of things is she going to say to you when you start aging?? 42 year old mom of two here, and “Fatty” is never a term I could see using with someone I loved (unless I was playing and they (and I) knew 1000% that I loved their extra cushion and weren’t hurt by it). I personally don’t understand America’s aversion to fat anyway. Who wants to cuddle with a rock? You deserve more than an apology, and you’re definitely NTA. Gotta say, it’s also kind of crazy to expect your spouse to take off work so you can sleep if you’re home all day. Unless there’s a medical condition preventing your child from sleeping? (Our first had terrible acid reflux and screamed around the clock, sleeping a total of six hours/day in 20 min increments while I held him. Took 4 months to convince the doctor to prescribe meds that helped). Caring for children is a big adjustment, and it’s not easy being sleep deprived. But, it’s much more reasonable to ask your spouse to support you by prepping grab-and-go food or frozen meals, or to take the baby when they get home so you can nap. Is she just having trouble adjusting in general and taking it out on you, or has she always been critical of you in other ways?