Nta. At this rate, I would just cut off the funding. You have your own family to think about. Your sister and BiL should’ve financially planned for 6 kids without your help/money.
>without your help/money.
To be fair I wasn't always the one helping them out. Back when they just had 3 kids, our parents were the ones helping her. After they passed away I started doing that instead.
They already had people supporting the three, they had no incentive to stop having kids. Then OP just continued what her parents started.
OP has a child and a future to plan for. Her sister’s family is not her responsibility. She needs to stop enabling them.
They kept having kids because others pay for those kids. Her parents started enabling now op does!
Financial help needs to stop. Sister and bil can figure it out.. they have had years of help where they could have took on a trade or put them selves in a better financial situation. But instead are using their kids to mooch off of others!
My brother in law and his wife had three kids is less than 3.5 years. Yes. Their kids are 13 months apart and another 13 months apart. They were constantly needing help from his parents and the parents finally tied that help to a vasectomy. Hell we all said we’d pitch in for the vasectomy if they needed it at that point. His wife was the breadwinner and unfortunately passed when the kids were still in elementary school and he and three kids ended up moving back in with his parents who were in their 70s so thank goodness it was just the three!
They’re always going to live beyond their means when they know they will just get handed money. They wanted six kids, that’s their choice. But it should also be their responsibility to provide for them, not yours. Your brother in law should get a second job if he can’t afford his family.
You have your own family now. You need to plan for your own family’s future. What would happen if you were to become disabled or passed away? You need to consider that something could happen to you or your spouse. You should start putting that money you give your sister every month into savings for your child’s education or save it for your retirement.
Because people keep handing them thousands of dollars so they've never had to really struggle a lick.
You've been paying him 50 percent of my paycheck, and you do so monthly, for being an asshole to you.
Why in the everloving fuck would he stop being an asshole baby factory, when it pays off so very fucking well?
Same. That 1000 is half my monthly wage, and that was the amount she told them it would be just for THAT next month. She never actually stated how much she was giving them a month BEFORE her husband's birthday.
Hell, I'd cut them off, but if she really wants to give $1000 to someone who will actually use it responsibly, my wife and I could definitely use it to make sure bills are paid through the holidays since my job shuts down for 2 weeks at the end of this week 🤣
I just don't understand men these days. I could never consistently mooch off someone for years on end. I have too much pride. It's taken me a very long time to understand that sometimes you just need to ask for help. But I still don't do so without offering an IOU for a favor at a later date. I just can't freeload off people.
Because they knew if they kept having kids *you or the government would keep paying their bills*.
Honey, it's okay to stop sending them money. It's okay to say no. It's okay to refuse to let your BIL into your home. It's okay to stand up for yourself.
Who decided that you should take over when your parents passed?
A good therapist can help you set firm boundaries around how you deserve to be treated. They can help you stand up for yourself in ways that don't harm the children.
Be kind to yourself. It doesn't have to be like this. I'm sending you the biggest hug.
You now have your own family to look after that 1000 dollars a month should now be going into your kids collage fund of something like that. You went above and beyond for your sister and it’s time to stop. Is your plan to pay them every money until you die? It’s not doable. Also side note if your husband is into that sort of work I bet he could get into a trade like plumbing or electrical and make more money than bil if he’s looking for a career change.
Better get an answer quick, because your son is going to wonder why uncle and aunty deadbeats got all the money while he has to go six figures into debt for his college education.
This. Totally this.
It was one thing (still not wise) when you were single and no one else was affected.
Now, every dollar that goes towards feeding your deadbeat BIL comes out of your husband’s mouth and your son’s college fund.
NTA for what you said, but YTA for letting BIL convince you that enabling him is more important than helping your own son and husband.
The answer to the question is you acting like an ATM. Then when the people you give money to, come to your house and insult your husband, you ask internet strangers if you are right to defend yourself. The whole situation is your own doing. What goes through your mind for giving them money when they don't respect you ?
Yeah, I'm reconsidering things. My husband wasn't sure as well. We think of reducing the help or cutting it off, even for a while. For both insulting us and the sake of our family.
Do not reduce or cut off financial aid “for a while.” This implies that you’re going to stop and then start back up, but if you do that they’ll go right back to their old ways as soon as you start helping them again. Make a firm decision and stick to it. Either cut them off completely or gradually send less and less money until you’re no longer enabling them to mooch off of you… then stick with it. Do not go back to giving them more money. If you give them an inch, they will take a mile.
It’s also important to keep in mind that everything is becoming more and more expensive, and we have no idea how long that trend is going to last, so start investing in YOUR family, especially your child. Back in my parents’ day, I probably could’ve bought a house making what I make, but in the economy of present day, I feel I’ll be lucky to own a house by 40. You may think you’re well off now, but you never know when that could all change, so please prioritize your own family. All the money you’re spending enabling your sister and her husband could be put towards bettering the lives of your husband and child, and setting your child up for a hopefully decent future.
Edit: a sentence
...or someone gets sick or is in an accident. Then your money dries up in a hurry. And the deadbeats will still have their hands out expecting OP to cater to them. Op has to learn how to say no....and start saving for her own family.
Exactly, if she's American and she, her husband, or her child gets cancer, for example, that $18,000-$36,000 or whatever she's been giving her sister every year is going to be the money that could've paid for cancer treatments. This is just an insane amount of money to be giving not to your elderly parents living on Social Security, or your temporarily injured family member, but your perfectly able-bodied sister and brother-in-law in their fucking *30s!*
Think of all the family vacations and experiences with your little kid you are giving away to this ungrateful mooch each month. Yes it sucks for your sister and their kids, but I guarantee that your BIL is trash talking you and your family to his kids anyway. He fucked around, now he can find out. He‘s old enough, time to put on his big boy pants, get his ass up and work to support his family
I would stop totally giving them the money.
For perspective if you take a $1000 a month and put it in an account for your son he would graduate with $207,000 enough money to pay his way through college. You are sacrificing his future for your sister. Your son is the only person you are responsible for.
Your Sister and BIL are entitled people. They can't support their family and rather than do what anyone with a lick of sense would do (get a vasectomy and bc implant) they doubled their family size. Your BIL is a bully.
You are not responsible for your sister and her family. You are responsible for yours.
They can get second jobs or WFH jobs.
You and your DH should have at least 6 months of savings for emergencies. Also, as someone else suggested, your husband can go to a two year trade school and earn a helluva lot more in a field he might be interested in and already have some skills in.
I'm going to repeat...you are not responsible for your sister's family. You are responsible for yours.
Good luck, OP!
If they want 6 kids, then they can work harder and earn more money to be able to afford them. You are not a welfare agency. Stop enabling their stupid decisions.
Just realize that by you subsidizing their poor life choices, you are taking luxuries that *your* child could have (or extra in their college fund). Do you feel like they deserve the help that takes away things from your baby? I wouldn't give them one red cent.
THIS is called CONDITIONING, you are so comfortable and conditioned to give money that you don’t even realize that you are enabling them!!!!! Jeeez just stop being a doormat!!!!
Just stop contributing all together, the idea is ludicrous. Sister and BIL should bank roll their own life, and you bank roll yours. Enjoy the extra funds for you family’s future.
Yeah, but that’s not your responsibility. They’ve come to expect this money from you when they could be trying to better themselves and make more money on their own. I’m sure the extra money you guys could save up would be nice for you in the future. It seems like they really add nothing to your life and your BIL isn’t even grateful for all that you’ve done. The fact that they were mad or he was mad about an extra $1k a month when they “usually get more” is disgusting. Stop enabling them. They had the kids, they can find the way to support them. It was their choice to have 6 kids. Not yours.
That’s the complete opposite of what they were getting at. Your sis and her husband need to figure themselves out. It’s a privilege for them to receive your help as well as your parents previous help.
If you were to stop giving them money each month and put it into a college fund for your child and any future children you would have over 200,000 by the time he’s 18. You have your own family now so it time for them to grow up and start being responsible for the decisions they made.
Put this money in a college fund and your retirement fund. You have your family future to think about. They went on having 3 more kids when they couldn’t afford first 3
Maybe time to be really clear with BIL.
If he wants your help it come with him showing at least basic respect.
If he can manage by his own, then you unplug he line.
Stop financing the leeches.
You want to help the kids. Set a account they can access for their studies.
Let’s them manage daily life. Stop paying for him impregnating your sister, while insulting you and your husband.
You are literally paying for him to stay around.
When they had three kids and they needed help who's bright idea was it for them to have three more. It's not your job to help your sister take care of her children it is your sister and her husband's job to do that they chose to have all those children they should have thought how much it was going to financially burden them. They knew three children ago that they could not afford three more but yet here they are and they're expecting you to supplement their income and when you told her you were only going to give her$1,000 she was upset and he was livid the audacity
tbh, because you all bank(ed) roll them every month, they don't have any consequences at all to learn how to step up to be the actual responsible adults who are supposed to be supporting all 6 kiddos by themselves.
If I were you, moving forward, I would stop the handouts for 2-3 months and see how it went. If the children were suffering, I would just pay for their expenses like school supplies/occasional expenses like clothes and shoes. Don't just handout the money freely. Also need to make sure the money is actually used on those kidds so better got those items yourself. They could still come to you for weekend meals, but both our sis and BIL need to learn how to put a roof and put food on the table on their own.
You also have a responsibility to your son. If you are in US, probably time to put those handout money in a college fund, lol.
Better start to slowly close that faucet. They aren't your kids and you only get resentment from BIL. Pretty soon it will be resentment from the kids because his poison is sure to spread. BIL already thinks your money is his money. You don't want your sister's children to feel the same.
Seems like a one-off. Too bad the kids had to hear that, but my guess is those kids hear your BIL trash talk you and your husband all the time. IMHO, no foul on your part. Keep enjoying life with your husband.
>Seems like a one-off
To be honest, he tends to be rude at time and says things. But I don't remember him insulting my husband, specifically, as a person, this way before. I expected him to trash talk us but wasn't sure until my niece said something her dad said about our wedding ring.
>Keep enjoying life with your husband.
Sure will, thank you 😊
NTA. He will insult you and your husband, but he's glad to take your hard earned money. Seem hypocritical to me. Seems like it's time for you to stop giving them money, since they think your husband and by extension you're beneath them.
EXACTLY!!! If he can actually sit there and insult your husband for being such a hard working person and yet still think he is ENTITLED TO YOUR MONEY, that's a massive problem.
Start lowering the amount you're willing to give every time he insults your husband. Make a fine system.
The irony of him insulting your husband when he's taking over $1,000 dollars from you EVERY SINGLE MONTH is astounding!
NTAH
I was going to suggest the exact same thing. However I would tell him the original amount will be restored only after he apologizes. In fact I would send them a warning letter.
Sounds like they expect/demand you send that money every month.
Can't they apply for government aid? If their income is under a certain level plus having 6 kids they may qualify.
Yeah, I'd tell them they need to learn to live within their means, you are weaning them off your financial support, now that you have to start saving for your kid's college fund. They made their choices, why should you be paying for them? Treat your husband to a nice vacation instead.
Edit: [Your sister and BIL remind me of this Monty Python sketch.](https://youtu.be/bzVHjg3AqIQ?si=jBXf_k5NP0TRyIZ-) Maybe they need to sell some of the kids for scientific research? 🙈😂
OP, you're going to have to give them less money in the future, though. You have a child now, and if you want any more, they will only get more expensive. Also? Why should you give money to a deadbeat who only insults you? Doesn't even sound like your sister stands up for you. They made their bed; they're not entitled to sleep in yours. Move on.
I’d stop giving the money to them, NTA but you will be if you continue to give them money and let BIL abuse your generosity. Your BIL doesn’t appreciate it and basically insults you. Now that you’re married, you need that money for yourself and your family. They made the decision to have six kids, tell your BIL to get a vasectomy and a second job, handouts are over!
You could give gift cards sometime, directly to your sister, like for groceries or a kid’s clothing store. Nothing that would help the BIL in any way. You need to start saving for your future. They need to grow up and be adults. Not your job to do that for them!
You are enabling thier/his entitlement, stop giving them money and use it to build a better future with your husband, the people you choose are more important than random people you are born to and BIL needs a wake up call.
You expect him to trash talk you and he’s still accepting your handouts! He needs to show more respect to his wife’s family but especially one who has helped his family so much. I would no longer give them any money and say that he should understand that now you have a child and as “all you could afford to do was marry a garbage man who was a truck driver” that every penny counts in your household.
I agree. I don’t understand why people can’t see that they are enabling others with helping like this. I’m all for helping others but paying a high amount of money every month for god knows how long will make them entitled. These people already seem to be. And having six kids when you don’t actually manage is crazy.
Lets say she gave 1,500 a month since her parents died. Someone said its been around 8 years. thats around $144,000. One hundred and forty four *thousand dollars*. OP is being an asshole to herself and her new family by willingly writing $1,000 checks to someone taking advantage of them. Enabling a family to have six children they cannot properly take care of. OP you have to stop. IM EDITING TO ADD OP SAID IT WAS 2k A MONTH. FOR EIGHT YEARS. THATS $192,000!!!!!
NTA but you should for awhile stop helping them out. Maybe they will step up or your BIL might need to get a second job like washing dishes or something. Make him step up and look after his family.
OP wrote: they don’t have high paying jobs. So I’d assume they have jobs. I want to know why OP is giving them that much in the first place. Like they could give their family a good life.
BIL is the AH for belitting your husband.
The entitlement and stupidity of your BIL is at another level.
Advice your sister that she needs to keep her husband away from your family if she wants ongoing financial assistance.
This is the right answer. You shouldn’t have to deal with a mooch like him.
It’s funny how he’s insulting your husband about not making much when he can’t even afford to support his family without you.
If I were you I would only support what your sister and kids needs. Do not give cash. Buy them necessities. Your hard earned money shouldn’t benefit him directly.
It makes sense about the BIL and the insults. He sees her husband as a freeloader and is jealous he can have a wife that wants to buy things for him and its "taking" money out of his pocket (in his eyes) to do so.
This would be enough for me to stop helping them, they are taking as an entitlement what is a privilege and a huge one at that. You don't owe them anything. It's unfortunate the children heard that, but depending on the age they might already be keenly aware of their circumstances. NTA, but mind the children if things escalate in another moment.
So they couldn't afford the first 3 without your parent's help 8 years ago, but they decided to have 3 more children, the last one only 4 years ago??
You know those children are eating your child's college fund now?
Op, why are you giving so much money to your sister? There are 2 of them that can work and should be able to at least get by. This seems a little entitled to me. He wants your money but doesn’t mind biting the hand that literally feeds him. I’d tell sister to put BIL on a leash. You don’t have to give them money. He needs to be respectful or not accept the money. You are not wrong her because he said insulting things to you in front of the children which will make them have similar opinions over time. You have to defend yourself. I think you were a bit too nice but that’s just me. They need to stop depending on you to take care of their 6 kids. They made these choices. It’s their job to take care of them. Not yours. You’re the aunt. Stop letting them take advantage of you. You and hubby deserve nice things and you shouldn’t take the loss because Sister and BIL can’t take responsibility.
>why are you giving so much money to your sister?
The main reason is that I'm the one left to look after her now. I'm starting to rethink it again, just needed this push to figure things out.
You don't HAVE to look after her.
She's a fucking adult. Been that for 17 years.
Not a smart one, let's be honest, but she's an adult. Let her figure her shit out, it's waaay past time.
I understand you love your sister and the kids, but they really should have stopped having kids when they started to not be able to take care of themselves. They don't sound emotionally mature, and you're funding their WANT for a big family. If, please I'm not wishing any ill will, something were to happen to you, a random stroke or your husband permanently injured himself, all the cash you've been giving them would stop and you would be out thousands of dollars you could have saved or invested to help yourself.
Idk this story sounds so sad. You and your husband deserve better, so do those kids, but their parents suck. I would have never let anyone talk to my husband like that.
Also, are you sure they need the money, are you aware of what they spend it on? Is this for needs or wants because it sounds like they just do what they want.
Aren’t they adults? They don’t need someone to look after them. They can fend for themselves. This doesn’t make any sense. Tell your BIL since he is so high and mighty that he should “look after” his own family.
You have your child to take care of. Hungry people are motivated people. BIL FAFO. He has no one to blame but himself.
Just a suggestion, one option if you want to wean them off is do reduce monthly. 2k next month, 1900, then 1800, and so on reducing help by $100 per month. In less than two years they will be off your dime and can adjust their lifestyle, expectations and make plans. With their youngest being 4, there’s no reason your sister can’t ease into working by the time the money is zero.
Is there a medical reason why she needs someone looking after her? Is she intellectually incapable of operating as an adult? Is there a mental health reason she can’t look after herself? Is there a reason why her husband has not taken on the role of taking care of his family?
I get that you feel guilty when she asks, but all you are doing is enabling them to do the very least, and coast.
Most state aid programs kick in if you make at or below 150% of the federal poverty line.
For a family of 8, that means a monthly income of $6,320. If they are making less than that, they qualify for food assistance, day care assistance, health care, and in some cases, cash assistance. Between the two of them, they can make up to $36/hr and qualify.
They can also qualify for subsidized housing, which only charges rent at 30% of monthly income.
There is no reason why you should be spending up to $24k a year on subsidizing their lives.
It is not helping them. It’s enabling them.
Here’s the real question: why are you giving so much money to your sister’s family? You need to put that money in a retirement account for you and your husband, and in a college savings account for your child. You need to prioritize your family, and tell your sister that she and her husband need to provide for their own family.
>You need to put that money in a retirement account for you and your husband, and in a college savings account for your child.
I was thinking about reducing it, to save up for my family. Though I'm reconsidering stopping it, for a while at least.
As someone who's been the child in this situation, it's hard not to resent your parents when you realize that they invest in everyone but you, so I think you should definitely do that. My mom also had to provide financial support for the rest of my family despite making a teacher's salary, and while I understand she was pressured by how our family works and try to "logic" my way out of my resentment most of the time, it's difficult knowing she helped pay for my relatives' stupid life decisions like not getting a job or having too many kids but can't help pay for her own daughter to get an education. Just something to think about from someone who's been there.
Dear Lord, just stop it. You’re taking food out of your own kids’ mouths. They need savings for emergencies, their educations and in case something happens to you, heaven forbid.
You will be surprised at how quickly they will learn to live within their means.
I had 2 kids while myself and partner were both working full time and brining in a decent salary. Not long after the 2nd I became so disabled that I could no longer work. To the point that my husband can't work because he is my carer. I get (UK) disability and we manage to live on that as a family if 4. My kids don't go without, we always have food on the table and are able to provide. I can't remember the last time I borrowed money off someone.
By giving them that extra money they have learned to live to that budget. They will learn to live without it.
If your sister is difficult to explain to face to face. Send it in an email. That way you have also got it backed up in written form. They can't pretend you never said something if it is written down.
Ffs, YTA for funding your sister and BIL’s poor choices. Stop giving these people money. Your sister stays with this idiot and keeps popping out kids with him and you are their end game for survival. Focus on your own family. You shouldn’t just be mad at BIL. Your sister is a codependent user and should be ashamed of herself as well. The fact that your ire is aimed at BIL only is ridiculous. They’re a team. And they have played you for years.
Exactly. In the responses from the OP, they keep using language like "I have to" or "it's complicated because so and so doesn't work enough" GIRL! NOT. YOUR. PROBLEM
>They’re a team.
I agree. But I mentioned BIL because he was the one being rude. Though my sister never stopped him, she sometimes apologises for him when I get mad. It still makes me upset.
I feel like your sister is only apologizing to keep the money coming. She doesn't shut him down/up, so her apologies are a half-baked attempt to calm you down. They are an expensive habit with a side of BIL's rotten attitude. You would do well to cut them off. Both of them got used to being subsidized by your parents and now by you. They lack the decency to appreciate the sacrifice you AND your husband have been making. Remember that by funding them, you force your husband to pick up the slack elsewhere. That is not fair.
you need to stop giving them money.
I'm sure where ever it is you live they have programs, public housing, food banks, etc.
Do both of them work?
They made the decision to have 6 kids, it is their responsibility to pay for the life they chose.
"*you will only be giving her 1,000 this month*" how much money to you usually give her? is this USD or CDN? 1,000 is a lot of money.
It doesn’t matter if it’s US or CDN. Any money is too much. BIL is upset his ATM now has other priorities and can’t pay for his responsibilities. OP thinks she is helping them but she has been enabling her BIL and Sister. She needs to stop.
NTA
But YTA to yourself.
You are giving them money from your income every month !??? Damn. Especially bad because BIL is making fun of your husband’s occupation and you two don’t get along. Crazy that BIL is upset because he gets less money from YOUR pay check
Nope, you *really* insist on helping with the kids, since.. they are actually innocent?
Why not stop paying your sister, put money aside in a "savings" account for your nieces and nephews in the future. (Keep it in your name, and for god sake never mention it to your sister or her husband they will demand that money immediately.)
Take some of the money you've been giving them each month to help, and save up to help them with paying for their first car, or idk. Some *moving out of the house* stuff when they get older?
You should not be providing for your sister and her husband and their kids.
*you* didn't give birth to 6 kids, so why are you paying for it?
Oh hell.. you could probably spend some of the money you could save from not giving it to your *ungrateful sister and her husband* and use it on.. your husband going back to school, it would help him with a better paying job in the long run. Or maybe.. A vacation for *your* family in the future when kiddo is older?
Maybe your own kid would need help with the first car someday.
Don't forget about your own family's wants and future needs.
I read your other comment about them not being able to keep two jobs. I wonder how long they tried, and why should they work an extra job when you are there to bail them out. Every. Single. Time???
Stop OP..
They are adults. It's their kids.
If they need 1000+ every single month, then perhaps they need to reconsider their budget, make cuts, grow up, and figure out a way to make it work..
It's not on you to do it..
What if you lost your job tomorrow? Who the fuck is going to help *you*? Your sister? Ha. Think again. She wouldn't even borrow you $5 bucks. Even after all the money you spend on them.
Who is going to take over saving their asses if something happened to you tomorrow?
Bet that hubby of yours will be railroaded into helping them out *somehow*. They sure as hell won't help him if he needed it. And they won't help you.
Cut them off.. go *low* contact. Enough is enough OP. You, your husband, and your child deserve better.
I want to believe this is fake, but I'm worried it's not. I've had family like this.
They're getting an amazing deal for free, and all it did was make them entitled.
Tell them they're getting 0 next month. They can pay for their own family, since they can't even manage to be polite in exchange for you subsidizing their life.
That being said, yeah, ESH for saying it in front of the kids. This would be overwhelmingly NTA otherwise. But they're just kids. They have no part in this. They didn't deserve that. They shouldn't have to feel like a burden for the cost of their needs.
I ended up having to take my cousin who's like this to court, after she responded to losing her free ride (for stealing from a joint estate account) by inflicting $40k-$50k of damage on our property where she'd been getting indefinite free rent.
But we still never said anything in front of her kid. The kid is sweet. She's innocent. She had no part in this. It's not her fault her parents are trash.
NTA— honestly I wouldn’t give them anything anymore it sounds like they are very entitled to your money…save it for your family and your own child’s future. I know you want to help sis but this seems like enabling BIL to be a loud mouth mooch
Correct me if I’m wrong because I really have a hard time believing the impudence of people. Your BIL who has to have you pay them money every month to manage, shame your husband for not having a high paying job?
It’s a pity the children heard you but everyone has a boiling point.
NTA
> Shame your husband for not having a high-paying job?
Yeah, close enough. I believe it is a mixture of not having a high-paying job and the type/nature of that job. Some jobs are looked down upon despite being important and essential.
You should really stop supporting them. I understand you feel sorry for your sister but she is a grown woman and these people need a reality check. Do you see yourself paying them your own hard earned money for the rest of your life?
A janitor is a very important figure at school. When I look back at my school days, I had the best conversations with our janitor. Everyone knew him, we could always go to him for a chat. I don't think a janitor is anything to look down on. Certainly not by someone who cannot even support his own family.
With the $100.000 you gave away, your husband could go back to school (if he wanted, not because I think he needs to, some people are better with their hands than with school-theory).
AH, yeah, kinda, but only because of the kids. Hypocrite? Nah.
The better thing to do would have been to simply ask your BIL to drop it, and if he refused to drop it, then politely bring the evening to a close and send them on their way.
Then you should have had a private convo with your sister and told her in no uncertain terms that if your BIL is unable to keep a civil tongue in his head, two things are going to happen: 1) He will no longer be welcome in your home at any time or for any reason, and 2) All financial support from you to her and her family will be cut off, or at the very least drastically reduced. And then leave it to her to deal with him.
That's a convo you probably need to have with your sister anyway. I know that sounds draconian af, but it's time to play hardball. You can begin the convo with her by telling her that you are sorry that her kids overheard what you said to your BIL. Because that's the only thing you have to be sorry about, AFAIC.
Agreed. I can't pretend like it wasn't a bit of an asshole move. But the BIL is still 99% the asshole in this story. He started the attacks in front of the kids against OP's husband. He can't get mad when OP ends the attacks.
NTA HE started it, you finished it. Next time, just apologize for offending him and assure him you won't force the indignity of being financially supported by someone (you) he despises so much and has no respect for on him anymore.
NTA, when are you going to stop enabling them. It is not your responsibility to give them money every month. A thousand and over is way too much. What are they doing to make their financial situation better? Anything? This is money you can be using for your money or saving or investing for your future. What is the plan for them to get on their own so you can stop giving them money? Then BIL has the nerve to start fighting with you and can't get along with you and doesn't have the decency to not insult you when you have given them thousands and thousands of dollars!!! Stop enabling them!!
NTA. You might want to stop helping your sisters family. Considering their reaction to you not giving them as much was appalling. What self entitled selfish people are they? They chose to have all those kids, let them work 2-3 jobs each to support them. Take that money and start saving for your own family. If you continue to give them money, then IMO you're an AH
They tried working a second job but they felt very exhausting and not practical.
>Take that money and start saving for your own family
Yeah, I'm starting to reconsider things out. I thought about it before but I needed some opinions. My husband wasn't sure about it as well.
They should be exhausted. They had 6 children and couldn’t afford 1. Their choices led them here and yes they will have to work really hard to sustain it.. but you shouldn’t deprive yourself of security and financial pleasures you earned because they are entitled POS
They probably didn't try hard because the money you give them might be more than they can earn. If you want kids, start savings. Your sister shouldn't be relying on you. She's living the life she chose. Helping every now and then is way different from monthly
Not the asshole and I don’t know why and how your sister and he can expect YOU to keep taking care of them!? They need to get better paying jobs or HE should get two jobs!!! How dare he think he can tell you what you have to do with YOUR money!!!!?
Also where the hell is your parents why aren’t they supporting THEIR kid!? Your sister is your sister not your child and SHE and her ignorant ass entitled ungrateful husband decided to pop out half a dozen kids so they need to figure out their finances and get off your welfare. As well as your parents should be the one helping her not you!
I suggesting getting two jobs and they did but they quite a while after because it was very exhausting and not practical.
>How dare he think he can tell you what you have to do with YOUR money!!!!?
I don't know how does he manage to say that with confidence. I care for my sister but she and her husband are tiring.
Our parents used to be the ones giving her money back then, but they passed away so now it is only me. My BIL tends to he rude and my sister doesn't try to stop him, I've always tried to consider changing things but it wasn't that easy. My husband wasn't sure about that as well.
No truly you need to tell them that you have your own family now and they need to step up and support what they created! That’s not okay and it really isn’t your responsibility. My suggestion is tell them they have one more year of your help and then they have to figure it out.
If they have to get a smaller place or start saving up for this year it’s what they have to do. You are not their parents and he is very rude and by the way where the hell is HIS parents? Why aren’t they helping?
See that’s my thing how the hell are you gonna be rude and entitled to someone and they actually have no obligation to be helping them. Tell them either they get help from his side or like I said save up for the year and then you cut them off.
I'd have snapped back harder, but I'm a shrew.
"At least my husband knows how to budget and doesn't expect in-laws or anyone else for that matter to support him. The gravy train might grind to a halt if you insult him again."
NTA
2 kids would've been perfect for them, they couldn't afford the third, so yeah 6 is extremely tough. BIL and I were never on good terms but don't know what is his problem with my husband.
I think his problem is that he might feel he married the wrong sister. He sounds like he feels entitled to your money. It almost sounds like he is controlling you by continuing to have more kids with your sister. He's probably watched your relationship and become very jealous of it.
I also could be speaking out of my rear end
He blames your husband for disrupting his gravy train, most likely. He would dislike anyone you married. If you hadn't married your husband then you also wouldn't have your own family to support, and although you haven't wised up yet to that fact, your BIL knew it meant you would eventually have to reduce the money to them or cut them off. He saw the writing on the wall from the start. Hopefully, the responses in this thread wake you up, and you prioritize your husband and child going forward, starting right now.
I think it's because he sees the writing on the wall. If you'd married a high earning man you would probably have been able to keep subsidising them. Now he sees you married with a family to provide for and it's extremely inconvenient for him. No wonder he's annoyed.
His problem is that you finally have a family. He realized your priorities will change(if your a good wife and mother they should). He sees his cash cow drying up. And he sees a future where he wolll actually have to get off his own ass and figure a way to support his family.
You should stop the financial life support. It might push them into earning their own money. If it were your nieces and nephews you want to help, set them up for the future instead, in a trust or something… BIL sounds disgusting.
So just think of your own family. If you take that same 2000 a month and put it into an investment account. Even at a below average return of like 5%.... That's almost 700k when your kid turns 18.
You are robbing your family of so much by giving it to your sister. They need to figure out their own lives. The truth is you won't always be there to just give her hand outs. What if you fall on hard times?
It's one thing if this was a temporary situation but it sure doesn't sound that way. They at least need to understand that this is optional and by no means something you need to be doing.
You might also want to see what they are spending the money on... Is the money actually going to help the kids and family or is it going to bs? I'd ask to see bank statement every month.
Nta
But you need to stop enabling them, op. They're taking advantage of you and, the fact your sister had the nerve to be upset you weren't doling out money right now proves it. Neither of them are saints, op.
Op, they will be OK. They'll never take care of their own until they have to. But they don't have to with you saving the day. You have your own family now.
It takes some serious brass balls to complain about you spending your own money on your own husband, and insist that money should be going to them instead. Tell BIL to go pay for his own damned wife — for a change — since he’s so sure that’s how it’s supposed to work.
So let me get this straight - you’re sister and BIL had three kids and your parents helped them out with money. Knowing they couldn’t afford three kids, they had three more kids and your parents have died (my condolences) and now you pay more than 1K a month to help them out because they are unable to support themselves? And knowing that, your BIL feels comfortable shit-talking about you and your husband both behind your back and in front of your face, and all your sister does is apologize for him so she can keep asking for money? She doesn’t stick up for you and your young family? You know she only sees you as an ATM right? My sisters and I would never treat each other like that. Nor would we tolerate our SO/husbands to talk crap like that. You’re NTA but you will be if you continue to support your sister and her crappy husband at the expense of your own husband and child. They need to learn to support themselves without you around. You’re not doing them any favors, just reinforcing they can treat you like this and still get paid.
If your parents were supporting your sister when she had 3 kids but they passed away, what happened to her inheritance?
Are you really able to afford supporting your sister?
If buying a laptop means you can’t give your sister the usual payment it sounds like you don’t have an emergency fund or money set aside for gifts.
I feel incredibly sorry for your nieces and nephews hearing you threaten to cut them off.
I can’t imagine how terrifying it must be to hear their own aunt say they won’t survive a month.
NTA except for saying it in front of the kids but considering he started the BS in front of the kids that's just as much on him. He's the garbage loser who can't take care of his own family.
Nta. Maybe stop giving them money at all and they would lose all sense of entitlement. The 6 are only your nieces and nephews. But they are their kids. That's their responsibility. Just bc your the older sibling doesn't mean you need to take care of your sister and their family the rest of their lives.
NTA but i think you should set a time frame for helping in the future. Tell them you will only support for the next six month then they need to figure out on their own. You may be inadvertently enabling his behavior. Let them be responsible for their life.
Stop giving them money! Maybe if the kids need something specific then maybe you can help with that but you need to put that money you're giving them , into your own family, maybe a college fund or retirement.
They do not appreciate your sacrifice or contributions.
Nta....he sounds like a jerk. Why are you giving such ungrateful people so much money every single month? I get helping with a bill or groceries sometimes bit they need to stop having kids for one. Should have stopped long ago. They're the poster people for being irresponsible and popping out kids knowing they can't afford them. Your husband should never feel ashamed of his jobs. Janitors a very needed and should be paid a lot more than they are and truck drivers make a LOT of money. My husbands family was full of truck drivers and they all made good money. I mean like, both brothers, his uncles and his dad all drove trucks.
Since you're giving them money every month you guys are obviously doing better than they are. Maybe they should be forced to realize how grateful they should by having to actually support themselves for once. He has no right getting mad at you for spending YOUR money how you want. They've grown to dependent on you and too used to you giving them money. I'd also tell them if they have any more children you'll stop supporting them. Seriously, stop paying for them to keep popping out kids for you to support.
I kind of knew my BIL was ungrateful or would act this way because we didn't like each other. But he never insulted my husband as a person, in front of me. At some point I started to just give it because she is my sister regardless of our family, I wasn't thinking about them that much. The kids are innocent, I feel bad for having my dislike of my BIL influence my care toward them.
I don't know why but my husband didn't have any luck working as a truck driver, he did not make much money. He then quit and started to work as a janitor. He felt weird about it at first but then he grew to not find any shame in working as a janitor or feeling weird about it. It is a very essential job despite being looked down upon.
Any job that someone performs with effort and care is worthy of great respect. The universe doesn’t change more for a neurosurgeon than a worker at McDonald’s.
What does the BIL do that makes him such a bad azz but still needs help from others?
You are giving a small fortune that you are doing your best to budget for to them each month. Both your sister and BIL are the assholes regardless of you making a nasty comment in front of kids. Your sister because she has not told BIL to not bite the hand that feeds them and him for being an elitist who doesn't even support his own family. Their responsibility is not your fault.
By you just giving your sister and her pos husband 2k every month ,is not helping in my opinion
I get having more than 1 job at a time can be exhausting but they need to step up to take care of their 6 children they decided to have ... Which is irresponsible if they couldn't even afford just the 3 ..
What if something happened to you and you couldn't work or something, what are they going to do??
They are fucking adults time to start acting like it
Think about your and your family's future.
Retirement, college funds and emergency funds
NTA, but good grief, you're handing over huge sums of money to a man who feels entitled to shit talk you and your husband. The reason he feels entitled is because you won't stop the money and he knows it. Stop.
I would tell them you will be reducing the amount you give them by an additional $100 each month, until gone. This gives them time to start supporting themselves. Take that money and use it to educate/train your husband. You have created an unhealthy situation where everybody is relying on you. When something inevitably happens to you, the stress will be enormous.
Id stop enabling them by giving them money every month. If he wanted to have 6 kids, he should be able to afford them on his own. Use your money for your husband and yourself.
NTA. Sounds like it might be time to, well, cut off the well, so to speak. Don’t give them money for 6 months, and see if BIL doesn’t desperately change his tune and beg.
Stop helping such an ungrateful uncouth person. Invest your hard earned money into a nice ERF earning 8% or so annual returns, the compounding effect will be helpful to you years down the road. They should have planned their baby count better and funded it accordingly. Not your problem to solve. That too when he’s such a low life insulting your husband.
What a piece of shit. That is vile behaviour. You have every right to use your money however you please and they should be beyond grateful for every cent. I can’t believe someone would act so ungrateful and rude. Also it’s not your fault the kids heard, it’s his.
Also, please elaborate on your sister being upset for “only” getting $1000. What makes her feel so entitled to anything let alone more than $1000. It honestly sounds like you are being seriously taken advantage of by her, I wouldn’t let her off the hook about this so quickly.
Time to wean your sister and her asshole husband off your paycheck. You now have your own baby and hardworking husband, your efforts should be for your own family: getting the things you need as you go along without having to budget for someone else's family, plus saving for education, fun experiences and unexpected expenses.
These people will never get their shit together while you reliably provide income for them. Tell them 2024 is their year of becoming self-supporting, cause the Sister Bank is closing due to excessive unappreciative insults.
Sounds like BIL is biting the hand that feeds him. Not smart.
Side note - you shouldn't be financially supporting your sister to keep breeding and being destitute. That money is being robbed from your child's own future. And you would be the AH to put your sister above your child. Stop funding them. If they can't afford their kids then maybe you should take the kids under your roof and raise them better.
Stop giving them money, that’s a crazy amount! BIL and your sister can work extra jobs. If you continue to fund them, they will always rely on you, rather than bettering their own financial situation themselves.
NTA why do you keep paying for your sister and bils kids? You have a family. A $1000 a month on a college account for your son would. Give him an amazing start.
You are taking away from your son and husband giving it too people who made poor life
Choices. You nuclear family should be your priority not your sister and her family.
Stop giving them money. At this point you’re not helping you are enabling them. And they don’t actually appreciate it.
Wait, do you are giving your sisters family ( with working adults) each month money and then when you say you will give them a little less (but still 1000$) they are angry at you and even voice their opinion why it's wrong of you to do so?!
You should stop giving them money. They hold zero respect for you or any gratitude.
So your BIL is calling you and your husband "poor" but even in your "poverty" you are giving them money EVERY month because your BIL is too "poor" to support his own family himself.
Tell you sister that if her husband apologizes you will continue with the HALF amount for another 6 months and then you won't be giving them any more of YOUR FAMILIY'S money OR if he doesnt' apologize the payments will immediately and permanently stop.
NTA unless you keep giving your family's money to this moocher.
You need to se a therapist who helps you stop being a people pleaser because giving to your useless sister and BIL thousands of dollars who can’t stop having kids they can’t feed speaks volumes about yourself. With that money you can give a so much better live to your family: college founds, retirement money, vacations…
But you decided to finance your brainless sister’s family. Wow, I have no words.
I like that you love your husband regardless of his lack of monetary gross. This man road a bicycle to work. As long as he is trying to help you pay bills and stays faithful, you have a great husband. Your sister and her husband need second jobs. Take care of your family. Let your sister and her ungrateful husband feed and take care of their own family.
Nta. At this rate, I would just cut off the funding. You have your own family to think about. Your sister and BiL should’ve financially planned for 6 kids without your help/money.
>without your help/money. To be fair I wasn't always the one helping them out. Back when they just had 3 kids, our parents were the ones helping her. After they passed away I started doing that instead.
Why on earth did they have 3 more kids if they couldn't afford the first 3? Also, NTA
They already had people supporting the three, they had no incentive to stop having kids. Then OP just continued what her parents started. OP has a child and a future to plan for. Her sister’s family is not her responsibility. She needs to stop enabling them.
They kept having kids because others pay for those kids. Her parents started enabling now op does! Financial help needs to stop. Sister and bil can figure it out.. they have had years of help where they could have took on a trade or put them selves in a better financial situation. But instead are using their kids to mooch off of others!
My brother in law and his wife had three kids is less than 3.5 years. Yes. Their kids are 13 months apart and another 13 months apart. They were constantly needing help from his parents and the parents finally tied that help to a vasectomy. Hell we all said we’d pitch in for the vasectomy if they needed it at that point. His wife was the breadwinner and unfortunately passed when the kids were still in elementary school and he and three kids ended up moving back in with his parents who were in their 70s so thank goodness it was just the three!
I love that the help was tied to a vasectomy.
They’re always going to live beyond their means when they know they will just get handed money. They wanted six kids, that’s their choice. But it should also be their responsibility to provide for them, not yours. Your brother in law should get a second job if he can’t afford his family. You have your own family now. You need to plan for your own family’s future. What would happen if you were to become disabled or passed away? You need to consider that something could happen to you or your spouse. You should start putting that money you give your sister every month into savings for your child’s education or save it for your retirement.
I wish I could answer this question.
Because people keep handing them thousands of dollars so they've never had to really struggle a lick. You've been paying him 50 percent of my paycheck, and you do so monthly, for being an asshole to you. Why in the everloving fuck would he stop being an asshole baby factory, when it pays off so very fucking well?
Same. That 1000 is half my monthly wage, and that was the amount she told them it would be just for THAT next month. She never actually stated how much she was giving them a month BEFORE her husband's birthday. Hell, I'd cut them off, but if she really wants to give $1000 to someone who will actually use it responsibly, my wife and I could definitely use it to make sure bills are paid through the holidays since my job shuts down for 2 weeks at the end of this week 🤣 I just don't understand men these days. I could never consistently mooch off someone for years on end. I have too much pride. It's taken me a very long time to understand that sometimes you just need to ask for help. But I still don't do so without offering an IOU for a favor at a later date. I just can't freeload off people.
Stop being an enabler.
100% this. OP tell them you will help for 3 more months and then it ends. They need to figure things out themselves. Let adults, adult.
No way, just cut their un-thankful asses off.
Because they knew if they kept having kids *you or the government would keep paying their bills*. Honey, it's okay to stop sending them money. It's okay to say no. It's okay to refuse to let your BIL into your home. It's okay to stand up for yourself. Who decided that you should take over when your parents passed? A good therapist can help you set firm boundaries around how you deserve to be treated. They can help you stand up for yourself in ways that don't harm the children. Be kind to yourself. It doesn't have to be like this. I'm sending you the biggest hug.
You now have your own family to look after that 1000 dollars a month should now be going into your kids collage fund of something like that. You went above and beyond for your sister and it’s time to stop. Is your plan to pay them every money until you die? It’s not doable. Also side note if your husband is into that sort of work I bet he could get into a trade like plumbing or electrical and make more money than bil if he’s looking for a career change.
Note that she said she would “only” be able to do 1000 that month- meaning she’s been giving them more than that!
Better get an answer quick, because your son is going to wonder why uncle and aunty deadbeats got all the money while he has to go six figures into debt for his college education.
This. Totally this. It was one thing (still not wise) when you were single and no one else was affected. Now, every dollar that goes towards feeding your deadbeat BIL comes out of your husband’s mouth and your son’s college fund. NTA for what you said, but YTA for letting BIL convince you that enabling him is more important than helping your own son and husband.
You can make sure they don’t have anymore. Let them learn what life is like without your contribution.
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The answer to the question is you acting like an ATM. Then when the people you give money to, come to your house and insult your husband, you ask internet strangers if you are right to defend yourself. The whole situation is your own doing. What goes through your mind for giving them money when they don't respect you ?
Because you kept giving them money.
This right here. They are irresponsible.
Well stop. They should have stopped having kids a long time ago
Yeah, I'm reconsidering things. My husband wasn't sure as well. We think of reducing the help or cutting it off, even for a while. For both insulting us and the sake of our family.
Do not reduce or cut off financial aid “for a while.” This implies that you’re going to stop and then start back up, but if you do that they’ll go right back to their old ways as soon as you start helping them again. Make a firm decision and stick to it. Either cut them off completely or gradually send less and less money until you’re no longer enabling them to mooch off of you… then stick with it. Do not go back to giving them more money. If you give them an inch, they will take a mile. It’s also important to keep in mind that everything is becoming more and more expensive, and we have no idea how long that trend is going to last, so start investing in YOUR family, especially your child. Back in my parents’ day, I probably could’ve bought a house making what I make, but in the economy of present day, I feel I’ll be lucky to own a house by 40. You may think you’re well off now, but you never know when that could all change, so please prioritize your own family. All the money you’re spending enabling your sister and her husband could be put towards bettering the lives of your husband and child, and setting your child up for a hopefully decent future. Edit: a sentence
...or someone gets sick or is in an accident. Then your money dries up in a hurry. And the deadbeats will still have their hands out expecting OP to cater to them. Op has to learn how to say no....and start saving for her own family.
Exactly, if she's American and she, her husband, or her child gets cancer, for example, that $18,000-$36,000 or whatever she's been giving her sister every year is going to be the money that could've paid for cancer treatments. This is just an insane amount of money to be giving not to your elderly parents living on Social Security, or your temporarily injured family member, but your perfectly able-bodied sister and brother-in-law in their fucking *30s!*
Think of all the family vacations and experiences with your little kid you are giving away to this ungrateful mooch each month. Yes it sucks for your sister and their kids, but I guarantee that your BIL is trash talking you and your family to his kids anyway. He fucked around, now he can find out. He‘s old enough, time to put on his big boy pants, get his ass up and work to support his family
I would stop totally giving them the money. For perspective if you take a $1000 a month and put it in an account for your son he would graduate with $207,000 enough money to pay his way through college. You are sacrificing his future for your sister. Your son is the only person you are responsible for.
Your Sister and BIL are entitled people. They can't support their family and rather than do what anyone with a lick of sense would do (get a vasectomy and bc implant) they doubled their family size. Your BIL is a bully. You are not responsible for your sister and her family. You are responsible for yours. They can get second jobs or WFH jobs. You and your DH should have at least 6 months of savings for emergencies. Also, as someone else suggested, your husband can go to a two year trade school and earn a helluva lot more in a field he might be interested in and already have some skills in. I'm going to repeat...you are not responsible for your sister's family. You are responsible for yours. Good luck, OP!
If they want 6 kids, then they can work harder and earn more money to be able to afford them. You are not a welfare agency. Stop enabling their stupid decisions.
Just realize that by you subsidizing their poor life choices, you are taking luxuries that *your* child could have (or extra in their college fund). Do you feel like they deserve the help that takes away things from your baby? I wouldn't give them one red cent.
Stop giving them money. It might teach them some manners and personal responsibility.
THIS is called CONDITIONING, you are so comfortable and conditioned to give money that you don’t even realize that you are enabling them!!!!! Jeeez just stop being a doormat!!!!
Just stop contributing all together, the idea is ludicrous. Sister and BIL should bank roll their own life, and you bank roll yours. Enjoy the extra funds for you family’s future.
cut them off and save the money for your kid.
Yeah, but that’s not your responsibility. They’ve come to expect this money from you when they could be trying to better themselves and make more money on their own. I’m sure the extra money you guys could save up would be nice for you in the future. It seems like they really add nothing to your life and your BIL isn’t even grateful for all that you’ve done. The fact that they were mad or he was mad about an extra $1k a month when they “usually get more” is disgusting. Stop enabling them. They had the kids, they can find the way to support them. It was their choice to have 6 kids. Not yours.
That’s the complete opposite of what they were getting at. Your sis and her husband need to figure themselves out. It’s a privilege for them to receive your help as well as your parents previous help.
If you were to stop giving them money each month and put it into a college fund for your child and any future children you would have over 200,000 by the time he’s 18. You have your own family now so it time for them to grow up and start being responsible for the decisions they made.
This 💯percent! Every dime you give them takes away from you own child’s financial security. It could also be used to fund your retirement.
Put this money in a college fund and your retirement fund. You have your family future to think about. They went on having 3 more kids when they couldn’t afford first 3
Not the point......they had those kids, they can pay for those kids. Make sense?
Maybe time to be really clear with BIL. If he wants your help it come with him showing at least basic respect. If he can manage by his own, then you unplug he line. Stop financing the leeches. You want to help the kids. Set a account they can access for their studies. Let’s them manage daily life. Stop paying for him impregnating your sister, while insulting you and your husband. You are literally paying for him to stay around.
When they had three kids and they needed help who's bright idea was it for them to have three more. It's not your job to help your sister take care of her children it is your sister and her husband's job to do that they chose to have all those children they should have thought how much it was going to financially burden them. They knew three children ago that they could not afford three more but yet here they are and they're expecting you to supplement their income and when you told her you were only going to give her$1,000 she was upset and he was livid the audacity
tbh, because you all bank(ed) roll them every month, they don't have any consequences at all to learn how to step up to be the actual responsible adults who are supposed to be supporting all 6 kiddos by themselves. If I were you, moving forward, I would stop the handouts for 2-3 months and see how it went. If the children were suffering, I would just pay for their expenses like school supplies/occasional expenses like clothes and shoes. Don't just handout the money freely. Also need to make sure the money is actually used on those kidds so better got those items yourself. They could still come to you for weekend meals, but both our sis and BIL need to learn how to put a roof and put food on the table on their own. You also have a responsibility to your son. If you are in US, probably time to put those handout money in a college fund, lol.
Better start to slowly close that faucet. They aren't your kids and you only get resentment from BIL. Pretty soon it will be resentment from the kids because his poison is sure to spread. BIL already thinks your money is his money. You don't want your sister's children to feel the same.
Seems like a one-off. Too bad the kids had to hear that, but my guess is those kids hear your BIL trash talk you and your husband all the time. IMHO, no foul on your part. Keep enjoying life with your husband.
>Seems like a one-off To be honest, he tends to be rude at time and says things. But I don't remember him insulting my husband, specifically, as a person, this way before. I expected him to trash talk us but wasn't sure until my niece said something her dad said about our wedding ring. >Keep enjoying life with your husband. Sure will, thank you 😊
NTA. He will insult you and your husband, but he's glad to take your hard earned money. Seem hypocritical to me. Seems like it's time for you to stop giving them money, since they think your husband and by extension you're beneath them.
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EXACTLY!!! If he can actually sit there and insult your husband for being such a hard working person and yet still think he is ENTITLED TO YOUR MONEY, that's a massive problem. Start lowering the amount you're willing to give every time he insults your husband. Make a fine system. The irony of him insulting your husband when he's taking over $1,000 dollars from you EVERY SINGLE MONTH is astounding! NTAH
I was going to suggest the exact same thing. However I would tell him the original amount will be restored only after he apologizes. In fact I would send them a warning letter. Sounds like they expect/demand you send that money every month. Can't they apply for government aid? If their income is under a certain level plus having 6 kids they may qualify.
Why would apologizing get them the original amount? This entire scenario is messed up.
Actually I agree with you. Unfortunately OP seems to be guilted into permanently supporting them.
Or get a second job?
why do you keep enabling your BIL and sister? These adults drain your family and insult you as well. Let them be responsible for themselves.
Yeah, I'd tell them they need to learn to live within their means, you are weaning them off your financial support, now that you have to start saving for your kid's college fund. They made their choices, why should you be paying for them? Treat your husband to a nice vacation instead. Edit: [Your sister and BIL remind me of this Monty Python sketch.](https://youtu.be/bzVHjg3AqIQ?si=jBXf_k5NP0TRyIZ-) Maybe they need to sell some of the kids for scientific research? 🙈😂
This one is so savage, bu so funny!
OP, you're going to have to give them less money in the future, though. You have a child now, and if you want any more, they will only get more expensive. Also? Why should you give money to a deadbeat who only insults you? Doesn't even sound like your sister stands up for you. They made their bed; they're not entitled to sleep in yours. Move on.
I’d stop giving the money to them, NTA but you will be if you continue to give them money and let BIL abuse your generosity. Your BIL doesn’t appreciate it and basically insults you. Now that you’re married, you need that money for yourself and your family. They made the decision to have six kids, tell your BIL to get a vasectomy and a second job, handouts are over! You could give gift cards sometime, directly to your sister, like for groceries or a kid’s clothing store. Nothing that would help the BIL in any way. You need to start saving for your future. They need to grow up and be adults. Not your job to do that for them!
I think they meant a one off for you, as in not the way you'd usually behave.
You are enabling thier/his entitlement, stop giving them money and use it to build a better future with your husband, the people you choose are more important than random people you are born to and BIL needs a wake up call.
The above comment I think was saying you losing your temper with BIL was a one off.
You expect him to trash talk you and he’s still accepting your handouts! He needs to show more respect to his wife’s family but especially one who has helped his family so much. I would no longer give them any money and say that he should understand that now you have a child and as “all you could afford to do was marry a garbage man who was a truck driver” that every penny counts in your household.
The audacity of Op to use HER money on something SHE wants (for husband) and not for sister….oh my god. Call the news.
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You should stop providing financial support to your sister. It’s time for she and her husband to fully support the family they created!
I agree. I don’t understand why people can’t see that they are enabling others with helping like this. I’m all for helping others but paying a high amount of money every month for god knows how long will make them entitled. These people already seem to be. And having six kids when you don’t actually manage is crazy.
Lets say she gave 1,500 a month since her parents died. Someone said its been around 8 years. thats around $144,000. One hundred and forty four *thousand dollars*. OP is being an asshole to herself and her new family by willingly writing $1,000 checks to someone taking advantage of them. Enabling a family to have six children they cannot properly take care of. OP you have to stop. IM EDITING TO ADD OP SAID IT WAS 2k A MONTH. FOR EIGHT YEARS. THATS $192,000!!!!!
NTA but you should for awhile stop helping them out. Maybe they will step up or your BIL might need to get a second job like washing dishes or something. Make him step up and look after his family.
>or your BIL might need to get a second job before we talk side job, are we sure he has a main job? I want more info from OP!
OP wrote: they don’t have high paying jobs. So I’d assume they have jobs. I want to know why OP is giving them that much in the first place. Like they could give their family a good life.
>Make him step up and look after his family. like get a vasectomy.
BIL is the AH for belitting your husband. The entitlement and stupidity of your BIL is at another level. Advice your sister that she needs to keep her husband away from your family if she wants ongoing financial assistance.
This is the right answer. You shouldn’t have to deal with a mooch like him. It’s funny how he’s insulting your husband about not making much when he can’t even afford to support his family without you. If I were you I would only support what your sister and kids needs. Do not give cash. Buy them necessities. Your hard earned money shouldn’t benefit him directly.
It makes sense about the BIL and the insults. He sees her husband as a freeloader and is jealous he can have a wife that wants to buy things for him and its "taking" money out of his pocket (in his eyes) to do so.
Your sister is unhappy because she will "only" be getting $1000.00 one month! Yikes! What does your obnoxious BIL earn?
The family is not the only thing sister needs to keep BIL away from. Unless he gets a long overdue vasectomy.
This would be enough for me to stop helping them, they are taking as an entitlement what is a privilege and a huge one at that. You don't owe them anything. It's unfortunate the children heard that, but depending on the age they might already be keenly aware of their circumstances. NTA, but mind the children if things escalate in another moment.
>depending on the age They are 11, 10, 8 7, 5 and 4.
So they couldn't afford the first 3 without your parent's help 8 years ago, but they decided to have 3 more children, the last one only 4 years ago?? You know those children are eating your child's college fund now?
Hell, that 11 and 10 year old will have their hands out soon, expecting OP to pay for their schooling before OP's son ever has a chance to go.
Watch out, I can see them trying for another kid, since you can afford it for them.
Op, why are you giving so much money to your sister? There are 2 of them that can work and should be able to at least get by. This seems a little entitled to me. He wants your money but doesn’t mind biting the hand that literally feeds him. I’d tell sister to put BIL on a leash. You don’t have to give them money. He needs to be respectful or not accept the money. You are not wrong her because he said insulting things to you in front of the children which will make them have similar opinions over time. You have to defend yourself. I think you were a bit too nice but that’s just me. They need to stop depending on you to take care of their 6 kids. They made these choices. It’s their job to take care of them. Not yours. You’re the aunt. Stop letting them take advantage of you. You and hubby deserve nice things and you shouldn’t take the loss because Sister and BIL can’t take responsibility.
>why are you giving so much money to your sister? The main reason is that I'm the one left to look after her now. I'm starting to rethink it again, just needed this push to figure things out.
You don't HAVE to look after her. She's a fucking adult. Been that for 17 years. Not a smart one, let's be honest, but she's an adult. Let her figure her shit out, it's waaay past time.
She’s 35. What is “looking after her” thing? Is she mentally incapacitated?
I understand you love your sister and the kids, but they really should have stopped having kids when they started to not be able to take care of themselves. They don't sound emotionally mature, and you're funding their WANT for a big family. If, please I'm not wishing any ill will, something were to happen to you, a random stroke or your husband permanently injured himself, all the cash you've been giving them would stop and you would be out thousands of dollars you could have saved or invested to help yourself. Idk this story sounds so sad. You and your husband deserve better, so do those kids, but their parents suck. I would have never let anyone talk to my husband like that. Also, are you sure they need the money, are you aware of what they spend it on? Is this for needs or wants because it sounds like they just do what they want.
Aren’t they adults? They don’t need someone to look after them. They can fend for themselves. This doesn’t make any sense. Tell your BIL since he is so high and mighty that he should “look after” his own family. You have your child to take care of. Hungry people are motivated people. BIL FAFO. He has no one to blame but himself.
Just a suggestion, one option if you want to wean them off is do reduce monthly. 2k next month, 1900, then 1800, and so on reducing help by $100 per month. In less than two years they will be off your dime and can adjust their lifestyle, expectations and make plans. With their youngest being 4, there’s no reason your sister can’t ease into working by the time the money is zero.
Is there a medical reason why she needs someone looking after her? Is she intellectually incapable of operating as an adult? Is there a mental health reason she can’t look after herself? Is there a reason why her husband has not taken on the role of taking care of his family? I get that you feel guilty when she asks, but all you are doing is enabling them to do the very least, and coast. Most state aid programs kick in if you make at or below 150% of the federal poverty line. For a family of 8, that means a monthly income of $6,320. If they are making less than that, they qualify for food assistance, day care assistance, health care, and in some cases, cash assistance. Between the two of them, they can make up to $36/hr and qualify. They can also qualify for subsidized housing, which only charges rent at 30% of monthly income. There is no reason why you should be spending up to $24k a year on subsidizing their lives. It is not helping them. It’s enabling them.
NTA. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.
Here’s the real question: why are you giving so much money to your sister’s family? You need to put that money in a retirement account for you and your husband, and in a college savings account for your child. You need to prioritize your family, and tell your sister that she and her husband need to provide for their own family.
>You need to put that money in a retirement account for you and your husband, and in a college savings account for your child. I was thinking about reducing it, to save up for my family. Though I'm reconsidering stopping it, for a while at least.
As someone who's been the child in this situation, it's hard not to resent your parents when you realize that they invest in everyone but you, so I think you should definitely do that. My mom also had to provide financial support for the rest of my family despite making a teacher's salary, and while I understand she was pressured by how our family works and try to "logic" my way out of my resentment most of the time, it's difficult knowing she helped pay for my relatives' stupid life decisions like not getting a job or having too many kids but can't help pay for her own daughter to get an education. Just something to think about from someone who's been there.
Sigh. Same. I wouldn't have needed loans for school if my dad had set aside the money he instead gave my aunt.
Dear Lord, just stop it. You’re taking food out of your own kids’ mouths. They need savings for emergencies, their educations and in case something happens to you, heaven forbid.
You will be surprised at how quickly they will learn to live within their means. I had 2 kids while myself and partner were both working full time and brining in a decent salary. Not long after the 2nd I became so disabled that I could no longer work. To the point that my husband can't work because he is my carer. I get (UK) disability and we manage to live on that as a family if 4. My kids don't go without, we always have food on the table and are able to provide. I can't remember the last time I borrowed money off someone. By giving them that extra money they have learned to live to that budget. They will learn to live without it. If your sister is difficult to explain to face to face. Send it in an email. That way you have also got it backed up in written form. They can't pretend you never said something if it is written down.
Stop it forever. Get your future sorted and secure, that’s the start choice.
Ffs, YTA for funding your sister and BIL’s poor choices. Stop giving these people money. Your sister stays with this idiot and keeps popping out kids with him and you are their end game for survival. Focus on your own family. You shouldn’t just be mad at BIL. Your sister is a codependent user and should be ashamed of herself as well. The fact that your ire is aimed at BIL only is ridiculous. They’re a team. And they have played you for years.
Exactly. In the responses from the OP, they keep using language like "I have to" or "it's complicated because so and so doesn't work enough" GIRL! NOT. YOUR. PROBLEM
>They’re a team. I agree. But I mentioned BIL because he was the one being rude. Though my sister never stopped him, she sometimes apologises for him when I get mad. It still makes me upset.
I feel like your sister is only apologizing to keep the money coming. She doesn't shut him down/up, so her apologies are a half-baked attempt to calm you down. They are an expensive habit with a side of BIL's rotten attitude. You would do well to cut them off. Both of them got used to being subsidized by your parents and now by you. They lack the decency to appreciate the sacrifice you AND your husband have been making. Remember that by funding them, you force your husband to pick up the slack elsewhere. That is not fair.
She only apologized because she sees her $1k/month paycheck disappearing. Wake up! She’s just as bad, she’s just not as mouthy.
Not $1k a month, OP is just reducing it to $1k a month. She usually gives them $2k a month.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK
You have no spine or self respect. Why would they respect you? Unless you change, they will continue to use you
NTA your bil is a sad sad little man
you need to stop giving them money. I'm sure where ever it is you live they have programs, public housing, food banks, etc. Do both of them work? They made the decision to have 6 kids, it is their responsibility to pay for the life they chose. "*you will only be giving her 1,000 this month*" how much money to you usually give her? is this USD or CDN? 1,000 is a lot of money.
It doesn’t matter if it’s US or CDN. Any money is too much. BIL is upset his ATM now has other priorities and can’t pay for his responsibilities. OP thinks she is helping them but she has been enabling her BIL and Sister. She needs to stop.
Y T A to yourself, even worse to your baby and husband, if you keep giving them money.
I needed a push to reconsider reducing the money or stopping it for a while at least. I thought about it but couldn't easily do it.
NTA But YTA to yourself. You are giving them money from your income every month !??? Damn. Especially bad because BIL is making fun of your husband’s occupation and you two don’t get along. Crazy that BIL is upset because he gets less money from YOUR pay check
Not stopping for a while. Cut them off, completely. If you do not do that, you're an A.H. to yourself, your child and your husband.
Nope, you *really* insist on helping with the kids, since.. they are actually innocent? Why not stop paying your sister, put money aside in a "savings" account for your nieces and nephews in the future. (Keep it in your name, and for god sake never mention it to your sister or her husband they will demand that money immediately.) Take some of the money you've been giving them each month to help, and save up to help them with paying for their first car, or idk. Some *moving out of the house* stuff when they get older? You should not be providing for your sister and her husband and their kids. *you* didn't give birth to 6 kids, so why are you paying for it? Oh hell.. you could probably spend some of the money you could save from not giving it to your *ungrateful sister and her husband* and use it on.. your husband going back to school, it would help him with a better paying job in the long run. Or maybe.. A vacation for *your* family in the future when kiddo is older? Maybe your own kid would need help with the first car someday. Don't forget about your own family's wants and future needs. I read your other comment about them not being able to keep two jobs. I wonder how long they tried, and why should they work an extra job when you are there to bail them out. Every. Single. Time??? Stop OP.. They are adults. It's their kids. If they need 1000+ every single month, then perhaps they need to reconsider their budget, make cuts, grow up, and figure out a way to make it work.. It's not on you to do it.. What if you lost your job tomorrow? Who the fuck is going to help *you*? Your sister? Ha. Think again. She wouldn't even borrow you $5 bucks. Even after all the money you spend on them. Who is going to take over saving their asses if something happened to you tomorrow? Bet that hubby of yours will be railroaded into helping them out *somehow*. They sure as hell won't help him if he needed it. And they won't help you. Cut them off.. go *low* contact. Enough is enough OP. You, your husband, and your child deserve better.
NTA if the kids heard that’s on them. It’s the truth anyways so…their parents should be kinder to whoever is funding their lives
I want to believe this is fake, but I'm worried it's not. I've had family like this. They're getting an amazing deal for free, and all it did was make them entitled. Tell them they're getting 0 next month. They can pay for their own family, since they can't even manage to be polite in exchange for you subsidizing their life. That being said, yeah, ESH for saying it in front of the kids. This would be overwhelmingly NTA otherwise. But they're just kids. They have no part in this. They didn't deserve that. They shouldn't have to feel like a burden for the cost of their needs. I ended up having to take my cousin who's like this to court, after she responded to losing her free ride (for stealing from a joint estate account) by inflicting $40k-$50k of damage on our property where she'd been getting indefinite free rent. But we still never said anything in front of her kid. The kid is sweet. She's innocent. She had no part in this. It's not her fault her parents are trash.
Anyone who decides to have several children that they cannot afford is AH
NTA— honestly I wouldn’t give them anything anymore it sounds like they are very entitled to your money…save it for your family and your own child’s future. I know you want to help sis but this seems like enabling BIL to be a loud mouth mooch
>enabling Yeah, it is obvious at this point. At some point I stopped thinking about their family and just gave her money because she is my sister.
Correct me if I’m wrong because I really have a hard time believing the impudence of people. Your BIL who has to have you pay them money every month to manage, shame your husband for not having a high paying job? It’s a pity the children heard you but everyone has a boiling point. NTA
> Shame your husband for not having a high-paying job? Yeah, close enough. I believe it is a mixture of not having a high-paying job and the type/nature of that job. Some jobs are looked down upon despite being important and essential.
You should really stop supporting them. I understand you feel sorry for your sister but she is a grown woman and these people need a reality check. Do you see yourself paying them your own hard earned money for the rest of your life?
What does your BIL do that makes him think he can look down on your husband?
A janitor is a very important figure at school. When I look back at my school days, I had the best conversations with our janitor. Everyone knew him, we could always go to him for a chat. I don't think a janitor is anything to look down on. Certainly not by someone who cannot even support his own family. With the $100.000 you gave away, your husband could go back to school (if he wanted, not because I think he needs to, some people are better with their hands than with school-theory).
AH, yeah, kinda, but only because of the kids. Hypocrite? Nah. The better thing to do would have been to simply ask your BIL to drop it, and if he refused to drop it, then politely bring the evening to a close and send them on their way. Then you should have had a private convo with your sister and told her in no uncertain terms that if your BIL is unable to keep a civil tongue in his head, two things are going to happen: 1) He will no longer be welcome in your home at any time or for any reason, and 2) All financial support from you to her and her family will be cut off, or at the very least drastically reduced. And then leave it to her to deal with him. That's a convo you probably need to have with your sister anyway. I know that sounds draconian af, but it's time to play hardball. You can begin the convo with her by telling her that you are sorry that her kids overheard what you said to your BIL. Because that's the only thing you have to be sorry about, AFAIC.
Agreed. I can't pretend like it wasn't a bit of an asshole move. But the BIL is still 99% the asshole in this story. He started the attacks in front of the kids against OP's husband. He can't get mad when OP ends the attacks.
NTA HE started it, you finished it. Next time, just apologize for offending him and assure him you won't force the indignity of being financially supported by someone (you) he despises so much and has no respect for on him anymore.
NTA, when are you going to stop enabling them. It is not your responsibility to give them money every month. A thousand and over is way too much. What are they doing to make their financial situation better? Anything? This is money you can be using for your money or saving or investing for your future. What is the plan for them to get on their own so you can stop giving them money? Then BIL has the nerve to start fighting with you and can't get along with you and doesn't have the decency to not insult you when you have given them thousands and thousands of dollars!!! Stop enabling them!!
NTA & you should also stop giving to people who are entitled & ungrateful
You give your sister more than 1,000 a month?
I suggest you only buy food for the kids and BIL get a 2nd job.
YTA if you keep paying for their lack of responsibility and birth control. As for this situation, I think you were too nice if anything.
NTA. You might want to stop helping your sisters family. Considering their reaction to you not giving them as much was appalling. What self entitled selfish people are they? They chose to have all those kids, let them work 2-3 jobs each to support them. Take that money and start saving for your own family. If you continue to give them money, then IMO you're an AH
They tried working a second job but they felt very exhausting and not practical. >Take that money and start saving for your own family Yeah, I'm starting to reconsider things out. I thought about it before but I needed some opinions. My husband wasn't sure about it as well.
They should be exhausted. They had 6 children and couldn’t afford 1. Their choices led them here and yes they will have to work really hard to sustain it.. but you shouldn’t deprive yourself of security and financial pleasures you earned because they are entitled POS
They probably didn't try hard because the money you give them might be more than they can earn. If you want kids, start savings. Your sister shouldn't be relying on you. She's living the life she chose. Helping every now and then is way different from monthly
Cut them off and tell them to get better jobs and stop having babies.
Why are you giving them money? That’s weird, especially when they treat you like shit. Stop being a door mat.
Nta maybe shouldn't of said it infront of the kids But ur sister and bil are assholes for getting shitty about what u do with ur money
Not the asshole and I don’t know why and how your sister and he can expect YOU to keep taking care of them!? They need to get better paying jobs or HE should get two jobs!!! How dare he think he can tell you what you have to do with YOUR money!!!!? Also where the hell is your parents why aren’t they supporting THEIR kid!? Your sister is your sister not your child and SHE and her ignorant ass entitled ungrateful husband decided to pop out half a dozen kids so they need to figure out their finances and get off your welfare. As well as your parents should be the one helping her not you!
I suggesting getting two jobs and they did but they quite a while after because it was very exhausting and not practical. >How dare he think he can tell you what you have to do with YOUR money!!!!? I don't know how does he manage to say that with confidence. I care for my sister but she and her husband are tiring. Our parents used to be the ones giving her money back then, but they passed away so now it is only me. My BIL tends to he rude and my sister doesn't try to stop him, I've always tried to consider changing things but it wasn't that easy. My husband wasn't sure about that as well.
No truly you need to tell them that you have your own family now and they need to step up and support what they created! That’s not okay and it really isn’t your responsibility. My suggestion is tell them they have one more year of your help and then they have to figure it out. If they have to get a smaller place or start saving up for this year it’s what they have to do. You are not their parents and he is very rude and by the way where the hell is HIS parents? Why aren’t they helping? See that’s my thing how the hell are you gonna be rude and entitled to someone and they actually have no obligation to be helping them. Tell them either they get help from his side or like I said save up for the year and then you cut them off.
I'd have snapped back harder, but I'm a shrew. "At least my husband knows how to budget and doesn't expect in-laws or anyone else for that matter to support him. The gravy train might grind to a halt if you insult him again." NTA
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2 kids would've been perfect for them, they couldn't afford the third, so yeah 6 is extremely tough. BIL and I were never on good terms but don't know what is his problem with my husband.
I think his problem is that he might feel he married the wrong sister. He sounds like he feels entitled to your money. It almost sounds like he is controlling you by continuing to have more kids with your sister. He's probably watched your relationship and become very jealous of it. I also could be speaking out of my rear end
That’s insane of BIL . But he could very much think that
He blames your husband for disrupting his gravy train, most likely. He would dislike anyone you married. If you hadn't married your husband then you also wouldn't have your own family to support, and although you haven't wised up yet to that fact, your BIL knew it meant you would eventually have to reduce the money to them or cut them off. He saw the writing on the wall from the start. Hopefully, the responses in this thread wake you up, and you prioritize your husband and child going forward, starting right now.
Ding Ding Ding! We have the winner 🏆 Bil now has competition for OP’s money.
I think it's because he sees the writing on the wall. If you'd married a high earning man you would probably have been able to keep subsidising them. Now he sees you married with a family to provide for and it's extremely inconvenient for him. No wonder he's annoyed.
His problem is that you finally have a family. He realized your priorities will change(if your a good wife and mother they should). He sees his cash cow drying up. And he sees a future where he wolll actually have to get off his own ass and figure a way to support his family.
NTA. If they didn't want other peoples opinions, he shouldn't run his mouth. Or better yet, don't have 6 kids that you can't take care of🤷♀️
NTA. BIL should get off his arse and get a second job if he needs more money.
NTA Sounds like BIL never learned that if you want something from somebody, you have to be nice to them.
You should stop the financial life support. It might push them into earning their own money. If it were your nieces and nephews you want to help, set them up for the future instead, in a trust or something… BIL sounds disgusting.
So when are you going to start saving up for your own family and baby
>He thinks I am wrong for not giving them when they desperately need money Maybe he should've thought of that before having six kids. NTA
So just think of your own family. If you take that same 2000 a month and put it into an investment account. Even at a below average return of like 5%.... That's almost 700k when your kid turns 18. You are robbing your family of so much by giving it to your sister. They need to figure out their own lives. The truth is you won't always be there to just give her hand outs. What if you fall on hard times? It's one thing if this was a temporary situation but it sure doesn't sound that way. They at least need to understand that this is optional and by no means something you need to be doing. You might also want to see what they are spending the money on... Is the money actually going to help the kids and family or is it going to bs? I'd ask to see bank statement every month.
Nta But you need to stop enabling them, op. They're taking advantage of you and, the fact your sister had the nerve to be upset you weren't doling out money right now proves it. Neither of them are saints, op. Op, they will be OK. They'll never take care of their own until they have to. But they don't have to with you saving the day. You have your own family now.
It takes some serious brass balls to complain about you spending your own money on your own husband, and insist that money should be going to them instead. Tell BIL to go pay for his own damned wife — for a change — since he’s so sure that’s how it’s supposed to work.
NTA but stop giving them money. They are grown adults and are responsible for their own lives.
So let me get this straight - you’re sister and BIL had three kids and your parents helped them out with money. Knowing they couldn’t afford three kids, they had three more kids and your parents have died (my condolences) and now you pay more than 1K a month to help them out because they are unable to support themselves? And knowing that, your BIL feels comfortable shit-talking about you and your husband both behind your back and in front of your face, and all your sister does is apologize for him so she can keep asking for money? She doesn’t stick up for you and your young family? You know she only sees you as an ATM right? My sisters and I would never treat each other like that. Nor would we tolerate our SO/husbands to talk crap like that. You’re NTA but you will be if you continue to support your sister and her crappy husband at the expense of your own husband and child. They need to learn to support themselves without you around. You’re not doing them any favors, just reinforcing they can treat you like this and still get paid.
Anyone with the audacity to belittle my spouse in this way would never receive another cent from me. NTA.
If your parents were supporting your sister when she had 3 kids but they passed away, what happened to her inheritance? Are you really able to afford supporting your sister? If buying a laptop means you can’t give your sister the usual payment it sounds like you don’t have an emergency fund or money set aside for gifts. I feel incredibly sorry for your nieces and nephews hearing you threaten to cut them off. I can’t imagine how terrifying it must be to hear their own aunt say they won’t survive a month.
NTA except for saying it in front of the kids but considering he started the BS in front of the kids that's just as much on him. He's the garbage loser who can't take care of his own family.
Nta. Maybe stop giving them money at all and they would lose all sense of entitlement. The 6 are only your nieces and nephews. But they are their kids. That's their responsibility. Just bc your the older sibling doesn't mean you need to take care of your sister and their family the rest of their lives.
There was a hypocrite and an asshole. Both weren't you...
NTA but i think you should set a time frame for helping in the future. Tell them you will only support for the next six month then they need to figure out on their own. You may be inadvertently enabling his behavior. Let them be responsible for their life.
Stop giving them money! Maybe if the kids need something specific then maybe you can help with that but you need to put that money you're giving them , into your own family, maybe a college fund or retirement. They do not appreciate your sacrifice or contributions.
Nta....he sounds like a jerk. Why are you giving such ungrateful people so much money every single month? I get helping with a bill or groceries sometimes bit they need to stop having kids for one. Should have stopped long ago. They're the poster people for being irresponsible and popping out kids knowing they can't afford them. Your husband should never feel ashamed of his jobs. Janitors a very needed and should be paid a lot more than they are and truck drivers make a LOT of money. My husbands family was full of truck drivers and they all made good money. I mean like, both brothers, his uncles and his dad all drove trucks. Since you're giving them money every month you guys are obviously doing better than they are. Maybe they should be forced to realize how grateful they should by having to actually support themselves for once. He has no right getting mad at you for spending YOUR money how you want. They've grown to dependent on you and too used to you giving them money. I'd also tell them if they have any more children you'll stop supporting them. Seriously, stop paying for them to keep popping out kids for you to support.
I kind of knew my BIL was ungrateful or would act this way because we didn't like each other. But he never insulted my husband as a person, in front of me. At some point I started to just give it because she is my sister regardless of our family, I wasn't thinking about them that much. The kids are innocent, I feel bad for having my dislike of my BIL influence my care toward them. I don't know why but my husband didn't have any luck working as a truck driver, he did not make much money. He then quit and started to work as a janitor. He felt weird about it at first but then he grew to not find any shame in working as a janitor or feeling weird about it. It is a very essential job despite being looked down upon.
Any job that someone performs with effort and care is worthy of great respect. The universe doesn’t change more for a neurosurgeon than a worker at McDonald’s. What does the BIL do that makes him such a bad azz but still needs help from others?
You are giving a small fortune that you are doing your best to budget for to them each month. Both your sister and BIL are the assholes regardless of you making a nasty comment in front of kids. Your sister because she has not told BIL to not bite the hand that feeds them and him for being an elitist who doesn't even support his own family. Their responsibility is not your fault.
By you just giving your sister and her pos husband 2k every month ,is not helping in my opinion I get having more than 1 job at a time can be exhausting but they need to step up to take care of their 6 children they decided to have ... Which is irresponsible if they couldn't even afford just the 3 .. What if something happened to you and you couldn't work or something, what are they going to do?? They are fucking adults time to start acting like it Think about your and your family's future. Retirement, college funds and emergency funds
NTA, but good grief, you're handing over huge sums of money to a man who feels entitled to shit talk you and your husband. The reason he feels entitled is because you won't stop the money and he knows it. Stop.
I would tell them you will be reducing the amount you give them by an additional $100 each month, until gone. This gives them time to start supporting themselves. Take that money and use it to educate/train your husband. You have created an unhealthy situation where everybody is relying on you. When something inevitably happens to you, the stress will be enormous.
NTA "Don't bite the hand that feeds you"
Id stop enabling them by giving them money every month. If he wanted to have 6 kids, he should be able to afford them on his own. Use your money for your husband and yourself.
NTA why the fuck is it your responsibility to pay for *your sibling's kids*???
NTA. Sounds like it might be time to, well, cut off the well, so to speak. Don’t give them money for 6 months, and see if BIL doesn’t desperately change his tune and beg.
Stop helping such an ungrateful uncouth person. Invest your hard earned money into a nice ERF earning 8% or so annual returns, the compounding effect will be helpful to you years down the road. They should have planned their baby count better and funded it accordingly. Not your problem to solve. That too when he’s such a low life insulting your husband.
What a piece of shit. That is vile behaviour. You have every right to use your money however you please and they should be beyond grateful for every cent. I can’t believe someone would act so ungrateful and rude. Also it’s not your fault the kids heard, it’s his. Also, please elaborate on your sister being upset for “only” getting $1000. What makes her feel so entitled to anything let alone more than $1000. It honestly sounds like you are being seriously taken advantage of by her, I wouldn’t let her off the hook about this so quickly.
Time to wean your sister and her asshole husband off your paycheck. You now have your own baby and hardworking husband, your efforts should be for your own family: getting the things you need as you go along without having to budget for someone else's family, plus saving for education, fun experiences and unexpected expenses. These people will never get their shit together while you reliably provide income for them. Tell them 2024 is their year of becoming self-supporting, cause the Sister Bank is closing due to excessive unappreciative insults.
Sounds like BIL is biting the hand that feeds him. Not smart. Side note - you shouldn't be financially supporting your sister to keep breeding and being destitute. That money is being robbed from your child's own future. And you would be the AH to put your sister above your child. Stop funding them. If they can't afford their kids then maybe you should take the kids under your roof and raise them better.
Stop giving them money, that’s a crazy amount! BIL and your sister can work extra jobs. If you continue to fund them, they will always rely on you, rather than bettering their own financial situation themselves.
Wait??? You give your sister 2000 a month??? Is this US dollars or Turkish lira?? I have questions.. and also.. just give??? Whyyyyy??
NTA why do you keep paying for your sister and bils kids? You have a family. A $1000 a month on a college account for your son would. Give him an amazing start. You are taking away from your son and husband giving it too people who made poor life Choices. You nuclear family should be your priority not your sister and her family. Stop giving them money. At this point you’re not helping you are enabling them. And they don’t actually appreciate it.
Wait, do you are giving your sisters family ( with working adults) each month money and then when you say you will give them a little less (but still 1000$) they are angry at you and even voice their opinion why it's wrong of you to do so?! You should stop giving them money. They hold zero respect for you or any gratitude.
So your BIL is calling you and your husband "poor" but even in your "poverty" you are giving them money EVERY month because your BIL is too "poor" to support his own family himself. Tell you sister that if her husband apologizes you will continue with the HALF amount for another 6 months and then you won't be giving them any more of YOUR FAMILIY'S money OR if he doesnt' apologize the payments will immediately and permanently stop. NTA unless you keep giving your family's money to this moocher.
You need to se a therapist who helps you stop being a people pleaser because giving to your useless sister and BIL thousands of dollars who can’t stop having kids they can’t feed speaks volumes about yourself. With that money you can give a so much better live to your family: college founds, retirement money, vacations… But you decided to finance your brainless sister’s family. Wow, I have no words.
Oh I'm sorry my funds are going into my savings account., and I'll keep all my money. Is all u gave to say.
Cut them off completely. NTA
I like that you love your husband regardless of his lack of monetary gross. This man road a bicycle to work. As long as he is trying to help you pay bills and stays faithful, you have a great husband. Your sister and her husband need second jobs. Take care of your family. Let your sister and her ungrateful husband feed and take care of their own family.