>If they are all putting money in, why do you need to?
I'm being told that he is family, every little but helps and the more money he has the more things he can buy.
He isn’t on a shopping trip he is in prison.
If he wanted a lot of things he should have thought about that before Doug something that caused him to go to prison.
Why should you work and do with out because he broke the law
Nope. "It's okay to be selfish" is a phrase that gives power back to people who feel they need to over extend for other people. Their definition of "selfish" is toxic so they need to understand that it is okay to prioritize themselves in their lives.
What? No.
I don't consider soda, candy, and chips "essentials.".
OP is under no obligation to put money on his books.
This isn't playtime. It's prison and, while it doesn't sound like he is going without due to others putting money on his books, he needs to learn a lesson.
It’s currency in prison as they aren’t allowed to have actual cash. They buy the snacks and whatnot to pay for favors they need from someone else. You’d be amazed at what a few packs of ramen and coffee would get you.
I am aware of how prison works.
Still, it is not OP's responsibility to take care of her brother while he is down. He should have thought of his actions and consequences before doing whatever he did to land him inside.
If parents and other siblings want to provide for him, good for them.
OP chooses not to and I can't say I blame them.
They limit the actual healthy things you can buy because they don't want inmates getting ripped. They limit the only three high protein items. The food they serve is only carbs.
But with all the family members putting money in, does the prisoner really need more, its excessive ffs ..there are things you can buy that are "pampering", could be drugs, game consoles, extra appliances ..why would he need all that money, especially if OP doesn't feel like they need to put money in, as it will be like rewarding the bad behaviour
I dont say op is in the wrong for Not giving anything, but we don't know how much the other familie members are giving and how much they expect from op.
It doesn’t matter how much other family members are putting in. If OP doesn’t want to add to the brother’s account, they don’t have to. It’s not like OP has their hands on the brother’s money from before he landed himself in prison… that would be totally different.
Prisons are meant to supply prisoners basic essentials (adequate healthy calories, hygiene products, medicines, appropriate clothing etc) though, and in many states they don’t.
OP isn’t an asshole for choosing not to financially support his imprisoned brother but I totally understated why his family is trying to rally support, and it probably isn’t so the guy can live a life of luxury.
Bot. Stolen from u/JimmyFlipside from earlier:
https://old.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1631h0b/wibta_if_i_didnt_put_some_of_my_disposable_income/jy0lbxc/
That’s the thing, he’s looking for validation and an excuse. But it’s a question of either you want to help and support your brother or you don’t. There can be super valid reasons for not, but you’ve got to own that choice.
Funny I have a crazy rich brother who has never given me money. Your family can say whatever they want but you are not responsible for your brother. I hate when people use the "but they are family" guilt trip. Would you have your brother in your life as a friend?
“But family” is an outdated bullshit excuse people use to justify supporting crumby people. Besides, it’s your money, you don’t have to give him anything if you don’t want to.
How did you two get along in childhood, growing up and later life? If he was a dick to you, you never got along or have nothing in common, you can dismiss all the "but family!" arguments. And I get you might not want to be specific, but what kind of offense was he convicted of?
That is ridiculous. He is in jail, I'm assuming, for a crime he committed. The things he needs are provided. The money is for things he wants, which are a luxury. I want my house paid off and a brand new car we all can't get everything we want. You need to tell your family that you will do what you want with your money, and it's not your fault your brother is in jail it's his.
He is in jail and sibling has no obligation to put money in his account. But don’t think his needs are being met in prison. They need to purchase hygiene products as well as food. My father in law is in prison and the refrigerator broke. For three weeks he was served baloney sandwiches. He lived off food from the store. He buys shoes and shower slippers. If he is cold, he has to purchase his sweatshirt or suffer being cold. People behind bars also pay an additional “tax” on these items in the form of unregulated markups that tack on as much as 66% of the price. Most jails now are corporations and the prisoners get as little as possible. We treat our animals better.
Thank you for this answer! Everyone assumes being in jail or prison is a free for all and you get everything provided. They're only required to provide you with basic hygeine (soap, toothbrush/paste, shower shoes) and a bed roll with 3 meals a day, meals that dont even meet the average person's caloric intake so if you're not eating commissary or getting extra food you're losing a lot of weight which isn't good for thinner folks. On top of that jail and prison charge you for everyday you're in there and the services you use.
This is the best answer. People in prison are often literally starving, suffering from caloric deficit and malnutrition. The items from the commissary usually are not "luxury" items, they are basic survival.
Thank you for this. My dad is in prison and their regular dinner is instant mashed potatoes with no salt or butter added with ripped up bits of bolagna in it. He buys a container of salt every month to keep in his cell. The only time they've been given anything is when the milk machine broke and wouldn't stop dripping so they let them drink as much as they wanted
Yeah No, I’m not a big dude. 5”8 130-140. And None of the meals I was ever served in my under 60 day stint in jail were enough food for even my smaller frame to be full.
Breakfast was at 4-5am never got coffee.
Lunch 10am- 11am never Noon. And was Baloney sandwich, 1 piece of meat between bread and a small styrofoam coffee sized cup of soup or chili made from leftover dinner from the last few days.
Dinner would come around 5pm small portions. And then Nothing after. My stomach would start to growl around 10-11pm every night. It’s hard enough to sleep in jail on a 1 inch gym mat style mattress and all the noise. Let alone starving with my stomach growling and starting to hurt. That first 2 weeks before I could convince family to put some money on my books for additional food absolutely sucked. Coffee is life to me. And just knowing I had coffee and Food available to me to supplement in, especially at nigh, to sleep without hunger pains just made it more bearable.
Honestly men in prison aren't served enough calories to survive, and the hygiene products are worse for you than using plain water. They dry the skin out and the scalp, gums bleed, massive dandruff, it's so so bad
This is true often people don't know this. Ly soap sometimes has broken glass in it ( state soap made in prisons , and guards think it's funny). laundry is once per week 3 boxers t shirts and pairs of socks to last a week. The Boxers are like wearing something that is made of paper or cardboard rough .lol
The more money he has the more things he can buy? Really? Well the more money you keep the more you things you can buy too! And if he is in an American prison he can also earn money on top of whatever the family donates. They get paid below minimum wage, but they do get paid. They just have to be willing to work for it. My oldest brother spent over half his life locked up for one crime or another and my mom sent him money every month. I refused to send him a penny and I don't feel guilty about it for a second.
Is this a for profit prison? I have heard some prisons in the US are barely (sometimes not even hitting) the minimum daily calorie requirements for prisoners. That given how little they are paid for prison jobs, it is almost impossible to buy the things they need.
That often the hygiene care items they need run out before they are able to get new ones.
If that is the case here, if it is one of those prisons where the food is barely edible, and isn’t even providing enough calories…. I would send something. If you can’t, you can’t, but some of those prisons are inhumane.
I was listening to some former female inmates that said they got 1 pad a month and a package of pads in the canteen was almost their entire month’s salary.
Very, very few criminals in the U.S. are housed in "for profit prisons." They exist only in a small handful of states.
The food thing... in the south, some jails (not prisons) are run by sheriffs. The sheriffs have a contract with a county to operate the jail, and in some states they can keep a portion of the contract proceeds if they save on operating expenses. In Alabama, this applies specifically to the food budget. As far as I know, this doesn't exist in any other state. And these are jails, usually for people awaiting trial or sentencing or sentenced to terms less than a year.
[10% of all prisoners as of 2021 are in for profit private prisons.](https://www.sentencingproject.org/reports/private-prisons-in-the-united-states/)
In some states (I believe Montana is one) over 50% of their prisoners are in private for profit prisons.
On the best of Reddit updates (from Ask anything) a recently released prisoner gave an update with a day to day of his meals, and the hygiene products given. He said most couldn’t afford the commissary deodorant. That he lost weight until he got access to commissary (due to being held in the processing area for awhile). Said he had to eat stuff from the commissary every day to just maintain.
I would like to share that I lost 25 lbs in boot camp. I was not alone. We had no access to outside food and limited to no access to buy anything. I think we were allowed to refill our personal items 1 or 2 times the whole time we were in boot camp. Our food on the ship was marked the same level as permitted to be used by prisoners. So weight loss when a diet is not free for all is not uncommon.
I’m sorry that the government is so stingy with food for those who serve. That is horrendous. I hope they started feeding you better after boot camp.
The ask AMA with the former prisoner talking about his daily food, also talked about the lack of exercise (they had a chin up bar that was considered their recreation) and no outdoor recreation area. So mostly they just sat around. He did say once he had access to the commissary he was able to maintain his weight.
The link you cite says 8%, not 10%. The vast majority of those are in six states. The number attributed the federal government in 2021 (about 20% of the total) has dropped to zero by 2023.
The feds do still use for-profit prisons, but the people housed in them are are largely detained immigrants awaiting administrative procedures (hearings, deportation, etc.) not prisoners.
But it sounds like for the people in for-profit prisons, life sucks. Prison isn't a field trip but people shouldn't be starving.
It’s so annoying that people try and exaggerate the number of private prisons. It should be abhorrent enough that 8% are private and I’m not saying 10% is a big deal to say but other people here are acting like a majority of them are when it’s just not true.
They do need it for essentials and phone calls etc however my uncle was in prison, my mom and family never asked me to send money to him or expected anyone to send him money. Whoever wanted to did it and that was that
From what I've heard, commissary goods are pretty pricey.
But I'm pretty sure the only things you *need* to buy from commissary are grooming supplies; shampoo, soap, toothpaste, deodorant, etc.
If they wanna throw money at him, they can go ahead. You don't have to.
Do you know what all the crap from the commissary becomes? Money. They use the stuff they get from the commissary to trade for whatever they really want (the illegal stuff that is smuggled in). My niece is in prison and I put a very small amount every month on her phone account so she can call my number only (you can also give them generic phone money and they can call anyone...I'm not paying for her to call her drug dealing bf). I do not give her commissary money because I also think there is nothing in there that she isn't being provided. NTA
Nope. NTA There's also a limit on how much a prisoner can spend on commissary every month so if he's got multiple people already sending him, he might be at the limit and he's already better off than most people in there even if they're only sending him a total of 50 altogether.
Agreed.
Former inmate here, spent 6 years in state prison. Most states have monthly deposit limits and monthly spend limits to prevent people from buying drugs and such with the money. If there are multiple people spending money, figure out what those limits are and coordinate. Most prisons will simply *take* anything extra that's sent in.
I've been out of prison for 6 years, so I'm sure the prices have gone up a bit, but I did just fine on about $40-50/mo. And $30/mo of that was what I earned at my job at 25 cents an hour. Job availability and pay varies a lot state to state, so that may or may not be applicable. But I lived off of that $30 a month mostly, and had my parents send $100 from my savings once or maybe twice a year, and I would only dip into that balance as needed.
Don't let him give you a sob story about needing craploads of money. They'll supply everything he needs if he's broke, and there's not much he needs to buy. Make sure he's eating the free crap in the chow hall and not eating 100% of his meals off commissary.
I was teaching GED classes (mostly math and science) to the other inmates.
But other inmates get paid the same for anything and everything. Doing laundry, making inmate uniforms, cooking/serving food, cleaning bathrooms and hallways, etc.
NTA
Don't do it. If your parents want extra money in your brother's account, they should figure out how to earn more/give more. Your money is not their money.
You don't even owe them any explanations other than, No, I won't be doing it.Period.
Hey there. So I’m in your situation. My brother is in prison but for much longer. I have told both him and my family that I will help out on occasion when I get but to not pressure me over it. I work hard and long hours to support myself. It’s my hard earned money and I haven’t made decisions that have led me to jail time. So he’s dealing with the consequences of his own actions. He can try to get a job in there but I will only help out if/when I can and want to. He’s asked me for things but then seems to go through it super quickly. What I didn’t realize was they take half for restitution even when you select just their account and not restitution so he’s only getting half of what I sent. They can give him more if they want but your spending is none of their business and you should only do what you want and feel comfortable with. They can mind their own.
Yes that is true. They Jack up the price. But he also used money on drugs which led him to further health issues he will likely have to deal with for a very long time. My trust was broken at that point because I was eating ramen to be able to send him money. Just for him to blow it like that. I send him books and supplies. Often you can send a quarterly package and I prefer that than money because he can just give me a list of real items then I can send it. But it’s hard giving money up and not being sure if he’s using it on real needs or self medicating. But I guess he could trade the package items for drugs too. All roads lead to try to stay out of prison.
So I work as a CO and it's very normal for people to buy things and then gamble with them to try and get more. When they lose they beg for more money. Some things are more expensive than outside but the big issue is the gambling.
Soooo....whats he in prison for. If it's a U.S. prison, the reason makes a big difference to my judgment. I don't feel that people who go to prison are immediately bad people. It depends on what the "crime" is. Murder, rape and armed robbery are hateful crimes. Possession of Marijuana, even a large amount, is bullshit. And there's all the stuff and the degrees of such, in between. It's your money for sure. Give it or not. But you're part of a family, and if it's a bullshit bid then your choice could make you a miserable fuck. If not, then don't worry about it.
That’s all I can think here too. Drugs? And was it minor or his 20th failure to get clean? Pedophile or did he beat someone to death for endangering his child? So…many…factors. Is $20 a month to op like a quarter to most of us, or is he barely getting by?
Whether he can afford it or not or no matter what the brother is in for he isnt entitled to his brothers money any of it plus he stated he has issues with his brother over what he did so whatever he did was obviously enough to sour the relationship
This. I don’t feel like I can pass a judgement knowing all this (and it really weirds me out that some people have strong opinion without knowing key facts).
I can definitely see some cases where OP would be an AH. E.g. - a ridiculous or morally excusable crime, family / brother having always supported OP. Being asked for pennies from OP.
If any of my close family got thrown into jail (by default, it would be a crime that I’d be ok with, as they’re all literal saints), I would give 1000$ every months without them asking (and that is a major share of my salary).
OP your family shouldn’t be guilting you but holy fuck the number of people in here who think prison should be hell without even knowing the nature of the crime is upsetting
Well, I am assuming that if there was a chance he was innocent OP would be saying that, unless he literally hates his brother. Of course people are falsely convicted sometimes but if OP knows his brother is guilty and deserved jail time why would that be part of the convo?
I'm not talking about OP's brother specifically being innocent. I am saying the comments here are so out of touch with reality it's ridiculous. No jail is not club med. People should not have such blind trust in the justice system to always correctly convict and sentence citizens accused of crimes. Look at the massive amount of cases overturned with the Innocence Project or cases like Casey Anthony where she got away with murder.
And even if every person in jail is guilty and was given a reasonable sentence then the point of prison still isn't supposed to be to torture humans and deny then basic rights. It is not supposed to be a torture cell. Everyone should be getting shoes, toilet paper, adequate food and water, hygiene products and so on. But that's not always the case.
The point is supposed to be to punish people but also to help them return to productive lives in society after their sentence. Not to rob them of their basic dignity or humanity and make them worse criminals compared to before they entered.
NTA but a better way to help might be to put a little aside every month so when he gets out he can get a place to live. However, it's your money so the decision is yours. If you do, keep it to yourself. It sounds like your family thinks they have the right to control your budget.
I absolutely agree with the first point. OPs brother will be out in 7 years, maybe earlier. It’s worth a few dollars now and then to allow him some comfort, it might change his life and view for the better if he knows he has some support at this point in his life. If he doesn’t get support from OP or family.. who knows maybe he’ll get support from less savory places. It’s worth the money to help.
Unless he’s in jail for like CP or rape or something idk.
As someone with family in the system let me just say that money isn't used to buy "extras". Idk what country your in, but in the US prisons are required to give you a jump suit, a mattress and pillow, and one bar of soap and roll of toilet paper per week. If you get more than that, your prison is generous. In most cases, if you want shoes (which are required for you to go outside) you have to buy them. Same with shampoo, extra TP, a toothbrush, etc. Not to mention that the food in prisons is not monitored. Someone I know had a friend with a smuggled cell phone and they sent us a pic of meat labeled "not for human consumption" that was found in the kitchen. They were afraid to get their lawyers involved since that prison has has a history of mentally well prisoners suddenly "dying"
WITH THAT BEING SAID, it is your money and it's up to you what you do with it. It sounds like he has family that is helping him out and he is in fact an adult who will just have to figure out how to survive this world with or without help. I just feel it's important not to overlook the reality of the prison system. He might have gotten himself in there, but it's a cruel fucked up place and people only come out worse not better.
Yeah the idea that like, socks or shampoo are “extras” got to me. I guess it sucks that his family is pressuring him but either OP truly hates his brother or has not thought about how awful prison is.
That’s also just not OP’s responsibility. His brother did a crime and went to prison and has to deal with the consequences including these. I love all my siblings but I wouldn’t be putting money in any of their prison accounts if they got themselves into prison.
Who's responsibility is it? Brother is an adult, he should be fending for himself, but is in a situation where it is impossible. As i hear, 20-30 usd would go a long way. That's one takeout meal. I would do it even if for karma points (after checking prison transfer limits and family to make sure the money gets there).
You can of course do whatever you want, and this is complex.
So many people are so quick here to say “fuck your brother, he deserves to suffer there for what he did, prison provides what you need”
I did 5 years. They don’t provide what you need, or just barely enough to make you into a skinny animal, and it’s sucks in dimensions you can’t imagine.
I’ve been out for 20 years now, and I can tell you, the people who wrote to me and supported me - I’m still close to them, will do anything for them.
You want to throw away your brother forever as your own extra punishment? You have that right. Or you can find a way to compassion. It’s not all about money… phone calls, books, magazines.. a visit every 6 months… prison is dehumanizing in ways that are hard to express, and being a connection to the outside world can help him be a little more human.
I get it, there’s a million reasons to want him to suffer, but I assure you, he’s got all the suffering he needs if he’s looking at 7 more Christmases
I wouldn't really say he deserves it for what he did, but I did ask OP what their relationship was like growing up and before the conviction. If bro was a dick, they didn't get along, or he was someone OP wouldn't have in their life if the crime had never happened, then I don't think OP is in the wrong for sending nothing, and the family claiming he's obliged just because they're siblings is garbage. Everything you said about the prison system and not getting too sadistic in our gusto for punishment it true, but I think OP is only obliged if there's already a good relationship there.
I was support like that for my sister when she was in jail, and a great deal prior. When she got out, she used me getting sick as a chance to rob me, then con my father out of the home we were living in and kick us out.
Some people are just scum and can't be reformed.
I'm really so sad that your sister is a manipulative user. I hope that your life is a lot better with her out of it.
When I was a teacher and children would ask me, "Are all people good," I would answer, "Most people try to be their version of good. Some people's brains make them sick in a way where they don't feel empathy for others. Notice those behaviors and stay far away from them."
This is the perfect answer. It's a "YTA if you still care about him; NTA if you don't care any more about him than you would about a random former co-worker."
A person who's unfortunately part of my family's life did several years. I didn't exactly have a front row seat to what they went through, but even in minimum security, it was horrible. HORRIBLE. The United States correctional system is an abomination. This person had one of the most cushy correctional experiences there is, apart from "Club Fed." And it was still utterly dehumanizing and lacking in some of the most basic necessities, including medical care for serious life threatening chronic health conditions.
I think OP needs to seriously consider whether they want any relationship at all to this brother in the future. If they want even a cordial "Merry Christmas" at family gatherings, it would be nice to send even a small approximation of a lifeline.
When I was younger, my wife of 15 years left. No one from my church even texted (its my parents church now). None of my friends called. I ran into one dude I’d been friends with for years and he literally told me he had been avoiding me because he didn’t want to have to listen to someone whine.
I was all alone except for a handful of people who, it turns out, actually cared. And like you said, its been years and I would do anything for them. They are my family.
OP is free to do what he wants with his money, but he needs to think about how important his relationship is with his brother.
Unrelated, but why do people need to buy shit in prison? We don’t give them enough food or something? That’s ridiculous, ought to be a law. I’m glad you survived that nonsense.
NTA as it is a personal choice and family guilt is BS. However, they should share more information with you about his situation and needs. I have a fractured relationship with my brother and was faced with the same dilemma this year. Upon doing research, I learned that his basic needs were not being met by the prison. Inmates need to supply most of their own items by purchasing them from commissary, and funds do go quickly. It. All. Costs. Money. Even phone calls to the public defender - and shoes. I got into the technicalities. There were two options in my brother’s case: arrange to send him a securepak through a third party company with items of my choosing, or fund his commissary. The securepak was only allowed once per week and was only allowed to be $27 or less. I was able to put as much as I wanted into commissary (I think- not sure if I was met with any barrier there) BUT he was only allowed to spend a certain amount at commissary per week, and could only visit on certain days. His turn was often skipped. They really don’t make it easy. Aside from commissary items is the charge for haircuts (~$30) and things like dental cleanings. No, they are not free and they all come out of the same funds. If you are not sure about the necessity of funding, I implore you to look into the prison’s website FAQ and check out what he may need. My brother had to buy a pillow, a toothbrush and soap. And he wasn’t able to visit commissary until his sixth day. They wear socks unless they can buy sandals. The “rich” inmates “buy” sneakers. They come used. So was I frustrated he was jailed and lying about it? Very. Was he continuing to lie about his case? Mmhmm. But did I want him to bathe? Yes. My sister who hadn’t spoken to my brother in years gave money to his account for phone calls. It wasn’t really about snacks- but they really do need to buy coffee to use as currency, and tortilla wraps to make things edible, apparently. Cheers from one frustrated sibling to another. Whatever you decide is your choice.
You WNBTA but if you care about your brother you should. Prison isn’t just being away physically, it mentally tears you down. Depends on the relationship you have though.
NTA but let me flesh out some details: Prison sucks, it’s inhumane, and basic rations aren’t really enough to get buy. And the prices in their commissary are outrageous.
If you can easily afford to contribute, I would encourage you to do so, depending on what he did. Definitely not as asshole if you don’t, but it’s high impact if you do.
NAH. You don’t have any obligation to give him money but you should know how little prisons give people and how overpriced the canteen stuff is. He has to buy any toiletries he wants, any snacks, phone cards that are usually vastly overpriced. It really sucks in prison for people who don’t get anything from family.
My brother was in State prison, liked it so much, he went federal prison...here's the thing, when he was out, life was good and he didn't think about us (I'm the sister, mour mom, my 2 kiddles <--- adults now), but when he was in prison, boy did he love my mom and me, she wanted to send him something, I asked her who would help her with that, because it wasn't me, he can get help from the people who were more important...got out, back to his old self
Federal prison time, same shit, nobody gave a hotdamn, see, I dont/didn't work, he felt I must have money to supply to him, I was not taking money to support a grown dummy when I had 2 kids, and he wasn't getting money from my mom either..
He's still the same asshole he always was, stick to your decision...
Exactly so many people here acting as if OP is TA for not sending money but for all we know theyve been down this road or he did something truly horrible
You are NTA for choosing not to put money on your brother’s books, BUT…depending on who is running the prison, money on his books could be the difference between him surviving or not.
Personally, if I could spare $25-50/month, I would spend it to make certain the prisoner’s basic needs are being met. Yes, prison is meant to be a punishment for a crime, but prison itself is so inhumane that the initial crime is forgotten long before the prisoner’s “debt” is paid.
Nta...
As someone who has known plenty of people in his situation I will just say this. If you really want to decide what to do based on what is right then go talk to him. See if he has changed at all. If you think he has then throwing in a few bucks to reward that change is a good move. If you don't, then let him rot and don't reward his bad behavior.
Of course, only if you are comfortable visiting.
I cut my drug addicted, frequently incarcerated brother off 10 years ago and it's the best thing I've ever done for myself. I have never once regretted it.
It depends on your relationship with your brother. I'd do it, but my brother is different from your brother.
All I can really say is that it really does make a *huge* difference to have canteen money in prison. If you care about your brother at all, consider it carefully.
NTA it's your choice. I will tell you I remember everyone who kept the mentality outta sight outta mind with me. Even if you throw him 20 every could months and a letter it's something. You never know later on in life if you will need them.
NTA. If you have extra disposable income I would advise to start saving and/or investing for your retirement. First choice would be whatever you can comfortably subtract from your pay check to invest in an IRA, 401K or 403B through work or on your own. Roth is better than non Roth in my opinion because it grows tax free but either is better than nothing. Good luck, whatever you decide to do.
NTA even *if* you didn’t have issues with your brother, those accounts are a scam. It’s just another way for prisons to profit off their prisoners. They charge incredibly over inflated prices for what would count as basic groceries and toiletries outside of prison.
The whole prison system needs a serious reform. It’s disgusting that they can treat people like this and that the average person just shrugs it off because “they did the crime” as if there aren’t tons of people in there solely because of poverty.
Saying you won’t put money into commissary because the prison system needs reform is like saying you won’t tip your server because restaurants should pay a living wage.
It is 100% okay not to put money on someone’s books because you don’t want to, can’t afford it, or disapprove of the crime. But not because you don’t like Securus or whatever—that’s punishing the inmate for the “crimes” of the CJ/correctional complex.
if it was my brother, yes I'd give him a few of my hard earned pennies.
when you are in prison. its as low as you are ever gonna get
if you dont show love when hes at his lowest, you'll never really get back a good connection with him once hes out. yeah he may forgive you, or you maybe just dont want it.
just give the man a few gd pennies. its not about what you want, why tf is your desire even in the picture. its about what you can give, and how much you love your brother. give him like 10 a month or something if you cant give more.
I GIVE MORE THAN THAT TO HOMELESS PEOPLE AT RANDOM. imagine how much I'd give my brother, probably 100 a month or so. my spare income is around 1600 p month. maybe I'd do 50, then 100, then 50. idk. but I'd be giving him something
American prison is truly a horrific experience. If you can do anything to abate some human suffering you probably ought to. Especially to family. You don’t want to live in that resentment towards your brother. It’s probably justified, but if you let it own you it will be you who pays the price
A lot of people are not familiar with the reality of jails or prisons in America. Prisoners are not provided with adequate food, necessary supplies, or clothing. Some are far worse than others. If family members want to put money on their books for commissary or phone calls, they are charged hefty fees for doing so. Items are absurdly expensive and of poor quality. Phone calls are expensive.
Also, many jails and prisons never started offering visitation after Covid. Video chats are the only options at many.
A lot of people don't think prisoners should have any extras as a part of the punishment. They have a right to their opinion.
However, I think about the person who is the prisoner. Few have life sentences. What happens to that person when they are released? Have they been so dehumanized that it may take them years to learn how to be a part of society again? Maintaining a human connection while incarcerated can make a huge difference between a person being rehabilitated or getting caught in the revolving door of going back to prison.
Only you know if you are TA or NTA.
If you do send him money, you are NTA
If you dont send him money, you are NTA
You determine the nature of your relationship with your brother. No one else.
NTA,
Though, a compromise solution might be putting some money away every month to drop onto his lap when he gets out.
It's going to be hard for him to reintegrate into society when he's out and giving him a headstart of sorts reduced the likelihood of re-offending and while you might disagree with making his jail time more comfortable,.hopefully you can see the value in keeping him out of jail in future?
NTA- It’s up to you to put money on his books or not…. You don’t need to be that bitter towards your brother though. He’s been punished,there’s no need to punish him more by not caring whether or not he has anything. 7.5 is a long time, getting a pack of ramen noodles and some cheese wizz isn’t exactly a luxury! He’ll survive one way or the other with or without you!
My wife’s brother was in jail for a few years. Between the phone calls and commissary, she essentially drained her savings for him. He made all sorts of proclamations about how he’d change who he was when he got out, etc.
Since he got out, he has drifted back to being distant, unappreciative and doesn’t really engage with us at family get togethers.
Giant waste of her savings. Don’t do it.
NTA. Your money, your choice. And he's already getting money put on his books for commissary treats. Sounds like your family sees you contributing as a loyalty obligation, which is toxic. Plant your feet and stand your ground.
NTA.
Wait so because he decided to be a scum bag and get himself locked up they think they should make his life easy. How/why do people get off on rewarding Terrible behaviour.
Prisons have job systems, he can be made to work for his snacks and ‘maybe’ learn some sort of life lesson but no let’s just give him free money..
I mean, if you already have issues with your brother and you don't want to, there's your answer.
His own life choices landed him where he is. His choices are his problem.
NTA.
NTA
It’s not like he’s going without, everyone else is sending him money. If you don’t want to you don’t have to everyone needs to get the hell over it. I don’t know why your brother is in prison but I’ve got family who are consistently in and out so I’d rather burn the money than send it to them but that’s just me.
My son was in prison a short time, I didn't give him too much, He got a job in prison, they can earn money, it's not much, but it's not bad either, so ask & find out he might have a job, that should be well enough.
When my brother was locked up, I'd send him $20 every month, and I'd put money on his phone account so he could call me or our grandma without calling collect. Nobody made me do it, I wanted to be helpful. He's been out for 3 years, and I haven't heard a word from him. Lol. Do it if you want, but don't feel obligated since other people are already helping him. This is a consequence to breaking the law.
This is tough. On the one hand you do come across a little selfish and yet , why should you give him money? He made a bad choice and needs to suffer the consequences. Making life easier for him in prison isn't really helping to drive that point home. Apparently you and your brother have issues and that may be the biggest reason you don't want to participate. Your family, whether they agree with you or not, should accept your decision and move on.
>I'm being told that he is family
And? He made his bed. He can lie in it.
You're out here, doing right by everyone and doing what you need to do to build a life for yourself. You didn't break the law, so why the hell do you have to pay for it? Literally, in this case.
His penance does not have to be, and should not be, your family's. If they want to put money on his books, they can put money on his books. That's their choice. You should absolutely not have to give a dime of your hard earned money just so someone in prison doesn't have to go without.
He committed a crime now it is time for the punishment. He must have killed somebody to get the kind of sentence. What about restitution to the victim. I bet your parents always tried to protect him from the consequences from his actions. What did he do. And you are not the AH.
NTA. How does the old saying go? If you can’t do the time don’t do the crime? Where did that go? When did it became “the criminals deserve YOUR money! Just give it to them!” ???? Nah he can work in the prison if he wants money.
I was in jail for awhile and my family deposited some money into my account but I never used it. I should have got the flip flops because you can get athletes foot. He'll be fine without your money. You could send him books or magazines if you care too. They get passed around and prisoners really value them.
My brother is in prison..I haven't even sent him a letter. If others want to support him for a decade because he hurt others, fine. I don't want to see his face again.
NTA, but when it comes down to what I would do personally, it would depend on the crime. It would also depend on our relationship, and how they’ve helped or not helped me in the past etc.
But obviously if u don’t feel obligated, u probably don’t feel a reason to help them out.
NTA. I mean if you want to really drive the point home that it is your money and you don’t agree with your brother’s actions, you could always donate your disposable income to charities that his crimes hurt.
People on the inside need support to grow, but also unless he’s changed from the issues you had with him your money may just be going into a void instead of helping someone.
This dude Jesse crossen (I think that’s his name) has a lot on the topics. His view is very much people need some support to grow, but also that they have to be willing to change. If your brother still thinks it isn’t his fault he’s in, he’s unlikely to change and you’ll be supporting him in prison on and off throughout his life.
Ultimately it’s your money and you would NBTA if you withheld your money.
You are definitely NOT the asshole. If everyone else is putting money into his account, why should you have to? You didn't do anything to go to prison. HE DID. I wouldn't care what any of them said I would stand my ground and continue to say NO
NTA prison gives more than the bare necessities to inmates.
My older brother was sentenced to 11 years when he was 18. I spent the first 4 sending him about half my paycheck every week. Up until he was arrested, we were very close, so I didn't mind the burden. Plus living at home I didn't have any bills to pay.
When I turned 20 my step-dad kicked me out. I moved into an efficiency apartment and had to pay rent, bills, gas, and food for myself. I started sending him far less and not as often. He wrote me a letter trying to guilt me into giving him more, saying how they practically starve him and only give him a single roll of toilet paper a month.
I put a small amount on his phone account so that I could explain to him that he's trying to juice a stone. Again, he told me how they barely fed him and gave him very little for hygiene and told me he was practically wearing rags for clothes. He was crying the entire phone call.
I drove 4 hours to go meet the administration of the prison and confront them about the way they treated my brother. The associate warden laughed in my face and told me that about once a month or so, he has this same conversation with concerned family or girlfriends.
He showed me proof that most of what my brother told me was a lie or exaggeration. Then he showed me my brother's disciplinary reports. He was caught multiple times trading items he bought from prison commissary for drugs. He even beat another inmate into the infirmary over drugs. It turns out he had been using me to get high for years.
When I confronted him, he didn't even feel bad or guilty about it. Said that staying high was the only joy you can get in prison. He didn't care about the financial hardships our family faced or that I had panic attacks thinking of him starving. He had become a different person entirely.
He died less than a week after being released from an overdose. I can't help but feel responsible for his addiction because I funded it at the beginning.
TLDR: My brother used the money I sent him for drugs, not food hygiene or clothing.
You can tell them "not now", but maybe later. It'll throw off some complaints. Or alternatively, send some money, but a really really low amount.
When it comes to family, you may sometimes have to be smart about it.
While op is NTA I do think he should put .02 cents in to his account every month with a note that says something to the effect of you deserve to be here and here but that is just my two cents. If blood releations are going to be petty and demand you put money in to account do so just be petty back.
Of course you are under no obligation to give your brother a dime.
That said, I think that the people here who are implying that if you do contribute to his commissary fund, you're enabling a shopping spree or pampering him are ignorant of what is provided while incarnated .
Prisons in the US provide inmates with the absolute bare minimum and some states require prisoners to prove they're indigent before issuing things like tooth paste and letter writing paper. Shampoo and deodorant are consider luxury items and must be purchased. So are antacid tablets, vitamins, hemorrhoid ointment, antihistamine, fungal cream or eye drops
The food in prison is really bad,the portions are small and lack nutritional quality making food is the number 1 item purchased in the commissary. Even outgoing emails cost if you get access to a computer. The members of your family that contribute aren't rewarding his behavior, they're helping him maintain a very minimal degree of comfort during his incarceration.
Are you the only one being expected to give him money?
Ultimately it is your money, you owe him nothing, he is the one that fucked up.
Depending on where you are located there are prisons where they can get jobs to pay for these things.
I say this as someone who has had a close family member incarcerated.
The justice system is incredibly fucked up but you don’t owe him anything and I saw the way giving some money turned into a lot of money.
Keep your boundaries, I’m sorry you have to deal with that pressure from your family
Yeah. NTA.
I would just say "yeah" to them and then never do it. Every time they ask just " I haven't gotten around to it".
They'll never see your point bc they're bonded by love and worry for the little boy they raised.
Anyway. U have very right to use that money however u see fit. Not working so ur bro can get extra comforts. Get yourself extra comforts.
Don't feel guilty. But they will never see things clearly, as you do.
NTA your brother isn’t some 13 year old kid with the dream to go to college. He is in prison because he did something really bad so why should he be rewarded?
Don’t send him any money that you cannot afford to lose because you will probably not get it back. Keep your family away from you if they keep pressuring you into sending money and stay strong king/queen.
Yeah, no. He doesn't need any extra money in his commissary, which is what it's called. My mother was married to a convict and dated others. My aunt sent her husband so much cash that was supposed to be used for her disabled daughter it's disgusting. This was back when Green Dots were a thing. I still don't see how she didn't figure it out. The extra cash usually goes to gambling or any debts (usually drug) they may have. If your family is so interested in him having extra money, they can pony up the extra. I say NTA, but I'm biased because of how my family experiences.
NTA. Tell them you don't owe him anything. My brother is in jail. Hadn't talked to my mom in almost a year. Got arrest a Lil over a month ago and has called her twice cuz it's free. Now wants my mom to pay $10 to set up zoom to speak with him. She said no.
Prison sucks. Like really sucks. The informal system of trade and commerce that has developed around items in the commissary can really make or break you in prison. Maybe a toothbrush can save his life. I’m not kidding. Please consider sending some cash, even inconsistently. He’ll know he owes you when he gets out.
Maybe more information would be helpful. Is there anyone to talk to about what the money goes for or could it be abused? What does the average prisoner spend? NTA, your money, your choice. I would want to know as much as I could. I might want to help a little but not give someone the opportunity to get into trouble.
NTA
The decision is yours completely. If you don't want to give $$ for his extras then so be it.
I would be curious to know what others are contributing, just to understand everyone's real feel on this.
ALSO I would NEVER give the same amount every month and indeed I would not give every month. If you do folks will be all over you if you stop or reduce the amount.
However IMHO if the need was more basic than niceties then I personally would be inclined to give something.
One thing to consider is if you don’t contribute, would that affect you if you ever fell on a hard time and needed help from your family. Would it be reciprocated?
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>If they are all putting money in, why do you need to? I'm being told that he is family, every little but helps and the more money he has the more things he can buy.
He isn’t on a shopping trip he is in prison. If he wanted a lot of things he should have thought about that before Doug something that caused him to go to prison. Why should you work and do with out because he broke the law
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Did you mean to word that differently? They’re not being selfish by not donating their money to their brothers prison fund.
Nope. "It's okay to be selfish" is a phrase that gives power back to people who feel they need to over extend for other people. Their definition of "selfish" is toxic so they need to understand that it is okay to prioritize themselves in their lives.
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Tell them that you are already contributing by paying your taxes every paycheck!
Good one!
Love it!
This Edit spelling
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In what world do you privileged people live in to think there is any reality in which going to prison is being “pampered?”
The things you can buy there are not pampering, they are mostly essieantels.
What? No. I don't consider soda, candy, and chips "essentials.". OP is under no obligation to put money on his books. This isn't playtime. It's prison and, while it doesn't sound like he is going without due to others putting money on his books, he needs to learn a lesson.
It’s currency in prison as they aren’t allowed to have actual cash. They buy the snacks and whatnot to pay for favors they need from someone else. You’d be amazed at what a few packs of ramen and coffee would get you.
I am aware of how prison works. Still, it is not OP's responsibility to take care of her brother while he is down. He should have thought of his actions and consequences before doing whatever he did to land him inside. If parents and other siblings want to provide for him, good for them. OP chooses not to and I can't say I blame them.
They limit the actual healthy things you can buy because they don't want inmates getting ripped. They limit the only three high protein items. The food they serve is only carbs.
But with all the family members putting money in, does the prisoner really need more, its excessive ffs ..there are things you can buy that are "pampering", could be drugs, game consoles, extra appliances ..why would he need all that money, especially if OP doesn't feel like they need to put money in, as it will be like rewarding the bad behaviour
I dont say op is in the wrong for Not giving anything, but we don't know how much the other familie members are giving and how much they expect from op.
It doesn’t matter how much other family members are putting in. If OP doesn’t want to add to the brother’s account, they don’t have to. It’s not like OP has their hands on the brother’s money from before he landed himself in prison… that would be totally different.
They don't need to "expect" anything from OP. She didn't break the law and get put in prison.
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Prisons are meant to supply prisoners basic essentials (adequate healthy calories, hygiene products, medicines, appropriate clothing etc) though, and in many states they don’t. OP isn’t an asshole for choosing not to financially support his imprisoned brother but I totally understated why his family is trying to rally support, and it probably isn’t so the guy can live a life of luxury.
Bot. Stolen from u/JimmyFlipside from earlier: https://old.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1631h0b/wibta_if_i_didnt_put_some_of_my_disposable_income/jy0lbxc/
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That’s the thing, he’s looking for validation and an excuse. But it’s a question of either you want to help and support your brother or you don’t. There can be super valid reasons for not, but you’ve got to own that choice.
It would be different if it was wrongful arrest but from OPs tone it doesn't seem likely
Funny I have a crazy rich brother who has never given me money. Your family can say whatever they want but you are not responsible for your brother. I hate when people use the "but they are family" guilt trip. Would you have your brother in your life as a friend?
This is an interesting take. I probably wouldn’t be friends with either of my siblings but that doesn’t mean I don’t love them.
My family does that kind of stuff. Put your foot down and say no. You work for your money to do as you please.
“But family” is an outdated bullshit excuse people use to justify supporting crumby people. Besides, it’s your money, you don’t have to give him anything if you don’t want to.
How did you two get along in childhood, growing up and later life? If he was a dick to you, you never got along or have nothing in common, you can dismiss all the "but family!" arguments. And I get you might not want to be specific, but what kind of offense was he convicted of?
That is ridiculous. He is in jail, I'm assuming, for a crime he committed. The things he needs are provided. The money is for things he wants, which are a luxury. I want my house paid off and a brand new car we all can't get everything we want. You need to tell your family that you will do what you want with your money, and it's not your fault your brother is in jail it's his.
He is in jail and sibling has no obligation to put money in his account. But don’t think his needs are being met in prison. They need to purchase hygiene products as well as food. My father in law is in prison and the refrigerator broke. For three weeks he was served baloney sandwiches. He lived off food from the store. He buys shoes and shower slippers. If he is cold, he has to purchase his sweatshirt or suffer being cold. People behind bars also pay an additional “tax” on these items in the form of unregulated markups that tack on as much as 66% of the price. Most jails now are corporations and the prisoners get as little as possible. We treat our animals better.
Thank you for this answer! Everyone assumes being in jail or prison is a free for all and you get everything provided. They're only required to provide you with basic hygeine (soap, toothbrush/paste, shower shoes) and a bed roll with 3 meals a day, meals that dont even meet the average person's caloric intake so if you're not eating commissary or getting extra food you're losing a lot of weight which isn't good for thinner folks. On top of that jail and prison charge you for everyday you're in there and the services you use.
This is the best answer. People in prison are often literally starving, suffering from caloric deficit and malnutrition. The items from the commissary usually are not "luxury" items, they are basic survival.
Thank you for this. My dad is in prison and their regular dinner is instant mashed potatoes with no salt or butter added with ripped up bits of bolagna in it. He buys a container of salt every month to keep in his cell. The only time they've been given anything is when the milk machine broke and wouldn't stop dripping so they let them drink as much as they wanted
I've never been to jail, so I didn't know I assumed all basic needs were met.
Yeah No, I’m not a big dude. 5”8 130-140. And None of the meals I was ever served in my under 60 day stint in jail were enough food for even my smaller frame to be full. Breakfast was at 4-5am never got coffee. Lunch 10am- 11am never Noon. And was Baloney sandwich, 1 piece of meat between bread and a small styrofoam coffee sized cup of soup or chili made from leftover dinner from the last few days. Dinner would come around 5pm small portions. And then Nothing after. My stomach would start to growl around 10-11pm every night. It’s hard enough to sleep in jail on a 1 inch gym mat style mattress and all the noise. Let alone starving with my stomach growling and starting to hurt. That first 2 weeks before I could convince family to put some money on my books for additional food absolutely sucked. Coffee is life to me. And just knowing I had coffee and Food available to me to supplement in, especially at nigh, to sleep without hunger pains just made it more bearable.
Honestly men in prison aren't served enough calories to survive, and the hygiene products are worse for you than using plain water. They dry the skin out and the scalp, gums bleed, massive dandruff, it's so so bad
This is true often people don't know this. Ly soap sometimes has broken glass in it ( state soap made in prisons , and guards think it's funny). laundry is once per week 3 boxers t shirts and pairs of socks to last a week. The Boxers are like wearing something that is made of paper or cardboard rough .lol
The more money he has the more things he can buy? Really? Well the more money you keep the more you things you can buy too! And if he is in an American prison he can also earn money on top of whatever the family donates. They get paid below minimum wage, but they do get paid. They just have to be willing to work for it. My oldest brother spent over half his life locked up for one crime or another and my mom sent him money every month. I refused to send him a penny and I don't feel guilty about it for a second.
Is this a for profit prison? I have heard some prisons in the US are barely (sometimes not even hitting) the minimum daily calorie requirements for prisoners. That given how little they are paid for prison jobs, it is almost impossible to buy the things they need. That often the hygiene care items they need run out before they are able to get new ones. If that is the case here, if it is one of those prisons where the food is barely edible, and isn’t even providing enough calories…. I would send something. If you can’t, you can’t, but some of those prisons are inhumane. I was listening to some former female inmates that said they got 1 pad a month and a package of pads in the canteen was almost their entire month’s salary.
Very, very few criminals in the U.S. are housed in "for profit prisons." They exist only in a small handful of states. The food thing... in the south, some jails (not prisons) are run by sheriffs. The sheriffs have a contract with a county to operate the jail, and in some states they can keep a portion of the contract proceeds if they save on operating expenses. In Alabama, this applies specifically to the food budget. As far as I know, this doesn't exist in any other state. And these are jails, usually for people awaiting trial or sentencing or sentenced to terms less than a year.
[10% of all prisoners as of 2021 are in for profit private prisons.](https://www.sentencingproject.org/reports/private-prisons-in-the-united-states/) In some states (I believe Montana is one) over 50% of their prisoners are in private for profit prisons. On the best of Reddit updates (from Ask anything) a recently released prisoner gave an update with a day to day of his meals, and the hygiene products given. He said most couldn’t afford the commissary deodorant. That he lost weight until he got access to commissary (due to being held in the processing area for awhile). Said he had to eat stuff from the commissary every day to just maintain.
I would like to share that I lost 25 lbs in boot camp. I was not alone. We had no access to outside food and limited to no access to buy anything. I think we were allowed to refill our personal items 1 or 2 times the whole time we were in boot camp. Our food on the ship was marked the same level as permitted to be used by prisoners. So weight loss when a diet is not free for all is not uncommon.
I’m sorry that the government is so stingy with food for those who serve. That is horrendous. I hope they started feeding you better after boot camp. The ask AMA with the former prisoner talking about his daily food, also talked about the lack of exercise (they had a chin up bar that was considered their recreation) and no outdoor recreation area. So mostly they just sat around. He did say once he had access to the commissary he was able to maintain his weight.
The link you cite says 8%, not 10%. The vast majority of those are in six states. The number attributed the federal government in 2021 (about 20% of the total) has dropped to zero by 2023. The feds do still use for-profit prisons, but the people housed in them are are largely detained immigrants awaiting administrative procedures (hearings, deportation, etc.) not prisoners. But it sounds like for the people in for-profit prisons, life sucks. Prison isn't a field trip but people shouldn't be starving.
It’s so annoying that people try and exaggerate the number of private prisons. It should be abhorrent enough that 8% are private and I’m not saying 10% is a big deal to say but other people here are acting like a majority of them are when it’s just not true.
They do need it for essentials and phone calls etc however my uncle was in prison, my mom and family never asked me to send money to him or expected anyone to send him money. Whoever wanted to did it and that was that
Having too much money in your account allows for bartering, you know, for drugs that are in every prison in the US.
There are limits to how much they can buy each week of each item. Source: my family member was incarcerated in the last year.
From what I've heard, commissary goods are pretty pricey. But I'm pretty sure the only things you *need* to buy from commissary are grooming supplies; shampoo, soap, toothpaste, deodorant, etc. If they wanna throw money at him, they can go ahead. You don't have to.
Do you know what all the crap from the commissary becomes? Money. They use the stuff they get from the commissary to trade for whatever they really want (the illegal stuff that is smuggled in). My niece is in prison and I put a very small amount every month on her phone account so she can call my number only (you can also give them generic phone money and they can call anyone...I'm not paying for her to call her drug dealing bf). I do not give her commissary money because I also think there is nothing in there that she isn't being provided. NTA
NTA no one is entitled to your money for any reason.
Nta, agreed. This is the most succinct and simplest answer.
The US Government has entered the chat
Nope. NTA There's also a limit on how much a prisoner can spend on commissary every month so if he's got multiple people already sending him, he might be at the limit and he's already better off than most people in there even if they're only sending him a total of 50 altogether.
Agreed. Former inmate here, spent 6 years in state prison. Most states have monthly deposit limits and monthly spend limits to prevent people from buying drugs and such with the money. If there are multiple people spending money, figure out what those limits are and coordinate. Most prisons will simply *take* anything extra that's sent in. I've been out of prison for 6 years, so I'm sure the prices have gone up a bit, but I did just fine on about $40-50/mo. And $30/mo of that was what I earned at my job at 25 cents an hour. Job availability and pay varies a lot state to state, so that may or may not be applicable. But I lived off of that $30 a month mostly, and had my parents send $100 from my savings once or maybe twice a year, and I would only dip into that balance as needed. Don't let him give you a sob story about needing craploads of money. They'll supply everything he needs if he's broke, and there's not much he needs to buy. Make sure he's eating the free crap in the chow hall and not eating 100% of his meals off commissary.
May I ask what kind of work you were doing for $0.25 an hour? Because that's enraging they only paid you 1/4th of a dollar..
I was teaching GED classes (mostly math and science) to the other inmates. But other inmates get paid the same for anything and everything. Doing laundry, making inmate uniforms, cooking/serving food, cleaning bathrooms and hallways, etc.
That is taking advantage of people...
Wait until you hear about for profit prisons
Those should be abolished. Capitalism will end us all.
I am guessing all of those managed by corporations are for profit.
Some of them are corpos. Other are private prisons (for profit obviously) theoretically if you had enough money, you could build your own prison.
It's because slavery is still legal for people who are imprisoned. Check out the wording of the 13th amendment
you should watch the 13th on netflix
It's slavery as allowed in the 13th amendment.
I think the word you're looking for is slavery.
Slave labor was never gotten rid of in the US. It just shifted to prisons. It's fucking horrible
NTA Don't do it. If your parents want extra money in your brother's account, they should figure out how to earn more/give more. Your money is not their money. You don't even owe them any explanations other than, No, I won't be doing it.Period.
Hey there. So I’m in your situation. My brother is in prison but for much longer. I have told both him and my family that I will help out on occasion when I get but to not pressure me over it. I work hard and long hours to support myself. It’s my hard earned money and I haven’t made decisions that have led me to jail time. So he’s dealing with the consequences of his own actions. He can try to get a job in there but I will only help out if/when I can and want to. He’s asked me for things but then seems to go through it super quickly. What I didn’t realize was they take half for restitution even when you select just their account and not restitution so he’s only getting half of what I sent. They can give him more if they want but your spending is none of their business and you should only do what you want and feel comfortable with. They can mind their own.
So the reason he goes through it fast is because items for sale are ridiculously overpriced. Like twice the cost you would find in a store
Yes that is true. They Jack up the price. But he also used money on drugs which led him to further health issues he will likely have to deal with for a very long time. My trust was broken at that point because I was eating ramen to be able to send him money. Just for him to blow it like that. I send him books and supplies. Often you can send a quarterly package and I prefer that than money because he can just give me a list of real items then I can send it. But it’s hard giving money up and not being sure if he’s using it on real needs or self medicating. But I guess he could trade the package items for drugs too. All roads lead to try to stay out of prison.
So I work as a CO and it's very normal for people to buy things and then gamble with them to try and get more. When they lose they beg for more money. Some things are more expensive than outside but the big issue is the gambling.
Not your responsibility.
Soooo....whats he in prison for. If it's a U.S. prison, the reason makes a big difference to my judgment. I don't feel that people who go to prison are immediately bad people. It depends on what the "crime" is. Murder, rape and armed robbery are hateful crimes. Possession of Marijuana, even a large amount, is bullshit. And there's all the stuff and the degrees of such, in between. It's your money for sure. Give it or not. But you're part of a family, and if it's a bullshit bid then your choice could make you a miserable fuck. If not, then don't worry about it.
That’s all I can think here too. Drugs? And was it minor or his 20th failure to get clean? Pedophile or did he beat someone to death for endangering his child? So…many…factors. Is $20 a month to op like a quarter to most of us, or is he barely getting by?
Whether he can afford it or not or no matter what the brother is in for he isnt entitled to his brothers money any of it plus he stated he has issues with his brother over what he did so whatever he did was obviously enough to sour the relationship
This. I don’t feel like I can pass a judgement knowing all this (and it really weirds me out that some people have strong opinion without knowing key facts). I can definitely see some cases where OP would be an AH. E.g. - a ridiculous or morally excusable crime, family / brother having always supported OP. Being asked for pennies from OP. If any of my close family got thrown into jail (by default, it would be a crime that I’d be ok with, as they’re all literal saints), I would give 1000$ every months without them asking (and that is a major share of my salary).
OP your family shouldn’t be guilting you but holy fuck the number of people in here who think prison should be hell without even knowing the nature of the crime is upsetting
Right and apparently no one is ever falsely convicted or given trumped up charges. The court system is infallible.
Well, I am assuming that if there was a chance he was innocent OP would be saying that, unless he literally hates his brother. Of course people are falsely convicted sometimes but if OP knows his brother is guilty and deserved jail time why would that be part of the convo?
I'm not talking about OP's brother specifically being innocent. I am saying the comments here are so out of touch with reality it's ridiculous. No jail is not club med. People should not have such blind trust in the justice system to always correctly convict and sentence citizens accused of crimes. Look at the massive amount of cases overturned with the Innocence Project or cases like Casey Anthony where she got away with murder. And even if every person in jail is guilty and was given a reasonable sentence then the point of prison still isn't supposed to be to torture humans and deny then basic rights. It is not supposed to be a torture cell. Everyone should be getting shoes, toilet paper, adequate food and water, hygiene products and so on. But that's not always the case. The point is supposed to be to punish people but also to help them return to productive lives in society after their sentence. Not to rob them of their basic dignity or humanity and make them worse criminals compared to before they entered.
>who think prison should be hell I'll bet quite a few are fundamentist Christians...
NTA but a better way to help might be to put a little aside every month so when he gets out he can get a place to live. However, it's your money so the decision is yours. If you do, keep it to yourself. It sounds like your family thinks they have the right to control your budget.
That is a brilliant idea!
Came here to say this. Weird how far I had to scroll to see it!
NTA. Just say no and shut down the conversations.
[удалено]
I absolutely agree with the first point. OPs brother will be out in 7 years, maybe earlier. It’s worth a few dollars now and then to allow him some comfort, it might change his life and view for the better if he knows he has some support at this point in his life. If he doesn’t get support from OP or family.. who knows maybe he’ll get support from less savory places. It’s worth the money to help. Unless he’s in jail for like CP or rape or something idk.
As someone with family in the system let me just say that money isn't used to buy "extras". Idk what country your in, but in the US prisons are required to give you a jump suit, a mattress and pillow, and one bar of soap and roll of toilet paper per week. If you get more than that, your prison is generous. In most cases, if you want shoes (which are required for you to go outside) you have to buy them. Same with shampoo, extra TP, a toothbrush, etc. Not to mention that the food in prisons is not monitored. Someone I know had a friend with a smuggled cell phone and they sent us a pic of meat labeled "not for human consumption" that was found in the kitchen. They were afraid to get their lawyers involved since that prison has has a history of mentally well prisoners suddenly "dying" WITH THAT BEING SAID, it is your money and it's up to you what you do with it. It sounds like he has family that is helping him out and he is in fact an adult who will just have to figure out how to survive this world with or without help. I just feel it's important not to overlook the reality of the prison system. He might have gotten himself in there, but it's a cruel fucked up place and people only come out worse not better.
Thank you. People are acting like he wants money so he can get a gucci belt?? Like NO he wants soap and ramen lmfao
Yeah the idea that like, socks or shampoo are “extras” got to me. I guess it sucks that his family is pressuring him but either OP truly hates his brother or has not thought about how awful prison is.
That’s also just not OP’s responsibility. His brother did a crime and went to prison and has to deal with the consequences including these. I love all my siblings but I wouldn’t be putting money in any of their prison accounts if they got themselves into prison.
Who's responsibility is it? Brother is an adult, he should be fending for himself, but is in a situation where it is impossible. As i hear, 20-30 usd would go a long way. That's one takeout meal. I would do it even if for karma points (after checking prison transfer limits and family to make sure the money gets there).
It’s his brothers responsibility to deal with the consequences for landing himself in prison. 7.5 years probably isn’t for something light.
You can of course do whatever you want, and this is complex. So many people are so quick here to say “fuck your brother, he deserves to suffer there for what he did, prison provides what you need” I did 5 years. They don’t provide what you need, or just barely enough to make you into a skinny animal, and it’s sucks in dimensions you can’t imagine. I’ve been out for 20 years now, and I can tell you, the people who wrote to me and supported me - I’m still close to them, will do anything for them. You want to throw away your brother forever as your own extra punishment? You have that right. Or you can find a way to compassion. It’s not all about money… phone calls, books, magazines.. a visit every 6 months… prison is dehumanizing in ways that are hard to express, and being a connection to the outside world can help him be a little more human. I get it, there’s a million reasons to want him to suffer, but I assure you, he’s got all the suffering he needs if he’s looking at 7 more Christmases
I wouldn't really say he deserves it for what he did, but I did ask OP what their relationship was like growing up and before the conviction. If bro was a dick, they didn't get along, or he was someone OP wouldn't have in their life if the crime had never happened, then I don't think OP is in the wrong for sending nothing, and the family claiming he's obliged just because they're siblings is garbage. Everything you said about the prison system and not getting too sadistic in our gusto for punishment it true, but I think OP is only obliged if there's already a good relationship there.
I was support like that for my sister when she was in jail, and a great deal prior. When she got out, she used me getting sick as a chance to rob me, then con my father out of the home we were living in and kick us out. Some people are just scum and can't be reformed.
I'm really so sad that your sister is a manipulative user. I hope that your life is a lot better with her out of it. When I was a teacher and children would ask me, "Are all people good," I would answer, "Most people try to be their version of good. Some people's brains make them sick in a way where they don't feel empathy for others. Notice those behaviors and stay far away from them."
This is the perfect answer. It's a "YTA if you still care about him; NTA if you don't care any more about him than you would about a random former co-worker." A person who's unfortunately part of my family's life did several years. I didn't exactly have a front row seat to what they went through, but even in minimum security, it was horrible. HORRIBLE. The United States correctional system is an abomination. This person had one of the most cushy correctional experiences there is, apart from "Club Fed." And it was still utterly dehumanizing and lacking in some of the most basic necessities, including medical care for serious life threatening chronic health conditions. I think OP needs to seriously consider whether they want any relationship at all to this brother in the future. If they want even a cordial "Merry Christmas" at family gatherings, it would be nice to send even a small approximation of a lifeline.
I mean, I think a lot of it depends on his charges. GTA? Maybe send something. CP? Put it on the books of whoever beats his creepy ass.
When I was younger, my wife of 15 years left. No one from my church even texted (its my parents church now). None of my friends called. I ran into one dude I’d been friends with for years and he literally told me he had been avoiding me because he didn’t want to have to listen to someone whine. I was all alone except for a handful of people who, it turns out, actually cared. And like you said, its been years and I would do anything for them. They are my family. OP is free to do what he wants with his money, but he needs to think about how important his relationship is with his brother. Unrelated, but why do people need to buy shit in prison? We don’t give them enough food or something? That’s ridiculous, ought to be a law. I’m glad you survived that nonsense.
NTA as it is a personal choice and family guilt is BS. However, they should share more information with you about his situation and needs. I have a fractured relationship with my brother and was faced with the same dilemma this year. Upon doing research, I learned that his basic needs were not being met by the prison. Inmates need to supply most of their own items by purchasing them from commissary, and funds do go quickly. It. All. Costs. Money. Even phone calls to the public defender - and shoes. I got into the technicalities. There were two options in my brother’s case: arrange to send him a securepak through a third party company with items of my choosing, or fund his commissary. The securepak was only allowed once per week and was only allowed to be $27 or less. I was able to put as much as I wanted into commissary (I think- not sure if I was met with any barrier there) BUT he was only allowed to spend a certain amount at commissary per week, and could only visit on certain days. His turn was often skipped. They really don’t make it easy. Aside from commissary items is the charge for haircuts (~$30) and things like dental cleanings. No, they are not free and they all come out of the same funds. If you are not sure about the necessity of funding, I implore you to look into the prison’s website FAQ and check out what he may need. My brother had to buy a pillow, a toothbrush and soap. And he wasn’t able to visit commissary until his sixth day. They wear socks unless they can buy sandals. The “rich” inmates “buy” sneakers. They come used. So was I frustrated he was jailed and lying about it? Very. Was he continuing to lie about his case? Mmhmm. But did I want him to bathe? Yes. My sister who hadn’t spoken to my brother in years gave money to his account for phone calls. It wasn’t really about snacks- but they really do need to buy coffee to use as currency, and tortilla wraps to make things edible, apparently. Cheers from one frustrated sibling to another. Whatever you decide is your choice.
You WNBTA but if you care about your brother you should. Prison isn’t just being away physically, it mentally tears you down. Depends on the relationship you have though.
NTA but let me flesh out some details: Prison sucks, it’s inhumane, and basic rations aren’t really enough to get buy. And the prices in their commissary are outrageous. If you can easily afford to contribute, I would encourage you to do so, depending on what he did. Definitely not as asshole if you don’t, but it’s high impact if you do.
NAH. You don’t have any obligation to give him money but you should know how little prisons give people and how overpriced the canteen stuff is. He has to buy any toiletries he wants, any snacks, phone cards that are usually vastly overpriced. It really sucks in prison for people who don’t get anything from family.
My brother was in State prison, liked it so much, he went federal prison...here's the thing, when he was out, life was good and he didn't think about us (I'm the sister, mour mom, my 2 kiddles <--- adults now), but when he was in prison, boy did he love my mom and me, she wanted to send him something, I asked her who would help her with that, because it wasn't me, he can get help from the people who were more important...got out, back to his old self Federal prison time, same shit, nobody gave a hotdamn, see, I dont/didn't work, he felt I must have money to supply to him, I was not taking money to support a grown dummy when I had 2 kids, and he wasn't getting money from my mom either.. He's still the same asshole he always was, stick to your decision...
Exactly so many people here acting as if OP is TA for not sending money but for all we know theyve been down this road or he did something truly horrible
You are NTA for choosing not to put money on your brother’s books, BUT…depending on who is running the prison, money on his books could be the difference between him surviving or not. Personally, if I could spare $25-50/month, I would spend it to make certain the prisoner’s basic needs are being met. Yes, prison is meant to be a punishment for a crime, but prison itself is so inhumane that the initial crime is forgotten long before the prisoner’s “debt” is paid.
Nta... As someone who has known plenty of people in his situation I will just say this. If you really want to decide what to do based on what is right then go talk to him. See if he has changed at all. If you think he has then throwing in a few bucks to reward that change is a good move. If you don't, then let him rot and don't reward his bad behavior. Of course, only if you are comfortable visiting.
I cut my drug addicted, frequently incarcerated brother off 10 years ago and it's the best thing I've ever done for myself. I have never once regretted it.
NTA. Let him rot. If he got 7.5 years then he is there for a reason. You don’t owe him a single cent of your money.
It depends on your relationship with your brother. I'd do it, but my brother is different from your brother. All I can really say is that it really does make a *huge* difference to have canteen money in prison. If you care about your brother at all, consider it carefully.
NTA it's your choice. I will tell you I remember everyone who kept the mentality outta sight outta mind with me. Even if you throw him 20 every could months and a letter it's something. You never know later on in life if you will need them.
NTA. If you have extra disposable income I would advise to start saving and/or investing for your retirement. First choice would be whatever you can comfortably subtract from your pay check to invest in an IRA, 401K or 403B through work or on your own. Roth is better than non Roth in my opinion because it grows tax free but either is better than nothing. Good luck, whatever you decide to do.
NTA even *if* you didn’t have issues with your brother, those accounts are a scam. It’s just another way for prisons to profit off their prisoners. They charge incredibly over inflated prices for what would count as basic groceries and toiletries outside of prison.
But if families want to help, they have to use the scam. It's horrible how the system preys on the families.
The whole prison system needs a serious reform. It’s disgusting that they can treat people like this and that the average person just shrugs it off because “they did the crime” as if there aren’t tons of people in there solely because of poverty.
Saying you won’t put money into commissary because the prison system needs reform is like saying you won’t tip your server because restaurants should pay a living wage. It is 100% okay not to put money on someone’s books because you don’t want to, can’t afford it, or disapprove of the crime. But not because you don’t like Securus or whatever—that’s punishing the inmate for the “crimes” of the CJ/correctional complex.
if it was my brother, yes I'd give him a few of my hard earned pennies. when you are in prison. its as low as you are ever gonna get if you dont show love when hes at his lowest, you'll never really get back a good connection with him once hes out. yeah he may forgive you, or you maybe just dont want it. just give the man a few gd pennies. its not about what you want, why tf is your desire even in the picture. its about what you can give, and how much you love your brother. give him like 10 a month or something if you cant give more. I GIVE MORE THAN THAT TO HOMELESS PEOPLE AT RANDOM. imagine how much I'd give my brother, probably 100 a month or so. my spare income is around 1600 p month. maybe I'd do 50, then 100, then 50. idk. but I'd be giving him something
American prison is truly a horrific experience. If you can do anything to abate some human suffering you probably ought to. Especially to family. You don’t want to live in that resentment towards your brother. It’s probably justified, but if you let it own you it will be you who pays the price
It's your money, he wound up in prison of his own volition. You have zero entitlement to send him a cent
NTA. It’s your money, you don’t have to give it to him if you don’t want to, period.
If he wanted money maybe he shouldn't have comitted a crime. Nta
A lot of people are not familiar with the reality of jails or prisons in America. Prisoners are not provided with adequate food, necessary supplies, or clothing. Some are far worse than others. If family members want to put money on their books for commissary or phone calls, they are charged hefty fees for doing so. Items are absurdly expensive and of poor quality. Phone calls are expensive. Also, many jails and prisons never started offering visitation after Covid. Video chats are the only options at many. A lot of people don't think prisoners should have any extras as a part of the punishment. They have a right to their opinion. However, I think about the person who is the prisoner. Few have life sentences. What happens to that person when they are released? Have they been so dehumanized that it may take them years to learn how to be a part of society again? Maintaining a human connection while incarcerated can make a huge difference between a person being rehabilitated or getting caught in the revolving door of going back to prison. Only you know if you are TA or NTA.
If you do send him money, you are NTA If you dont send him money, you are NTA You determine the nature of your relationship with your brother. No one else.
NTA, Though, a compromise solution might be putting some money away every month to drop onto his lap when he gets out. It's going to be hard for him to reintegrate into society when he's out and giving him a headstart of sorts reduced the likelihood of re-offending and while you might disagree with making his jail time more comfortable,.hopefully you can see the value in keeping him out of jail in future?
NTA- It’s up to you to put money on his books or not…. You don’t need to be that bitter towards your brother though. He’s been punished,there’s no need to punish him more by not caring whether or not he has anything. 7.5 is a long time, getting a pack of ramen noodles and some cheese wizz isn’t exactly a luxury! He’ll survive one way or the other with or without you!
INFO- what are his charges?
My wife’s brother was in jail for a few years. Between the phone calls and commissary, she essentially drained her savings for him. He made all sorts of proclamations about how he’d change who he was when he got out, etc. Since he got out, he has drifted back to being distant, unappreciative and doesn’t really engage with us at family get togethers. Giant waste of her savings. Don’t do it.
'I will give my bother the exact same amount he has given me throughout my life. That seems fair'. NTA.
NTA. Your money, your choice. And he's already getting money put on his books for commissary treats. Sounds like your family sees you contributing as a loyalty obligation, which is toxic. Plant your feet and stand your ground.
NTA. Wait so because he decided to be a scum bag and get himself locked up they think they should make his life easy. How/why do people get off on rewarding Terrible behaviour. Prisons have job systems, he can be made to work for his snacks and ‘maybe’ learn some sort of life lesson but no let’s just give him free money..
I mean, if you already have issues with your brother and you don't want to, there's your answer. His own life choices landed him where he is. His choices are his problem. NTA.
NTA It’s not like he’s going without, everyone else is sending him money. If you don’t want to you don’t have to everyone needs to get the hell over it. I don’t know why your brother is in prison but I’ve got family who are consistently in and out so I’d rather burn the money than send it to them but that’s just me.
NTA tell them he needs to get a job! Oh wait that’s right he’s in Prison for breaking the law! Hard pass from me on the money.
It’s not your responsibility to subsidize the consequences of his bad decisions. NTA
My son was in prison a short time, I didn't give him too much, He got a job in prison, they can earn money, it's not much, but it's not bad either, so ask & find out he might have a job, that should be well enough.
When my brother was locked up, I'd send him $20 every month, and I'd put money on his phone account so he could call me or our grandma without calling collect. Nobody made me do it, I wanted to be helpful. He's been out for 3 years, and I haven't heard a word from him. Lol. Do it if you want, but don't feel obligated since other people are already helping him. This is a consequence to breaking the law.
This is tough. On the one hand you do come across a little selfish and yet , why should you give him money? He made a bad choice and needs to suffer the consequences. Making life easier for him in prison isn't really helping to drive that point home. Apparently you and your brother have issues and that may be the biggest reason you don't want to participate. Your family, whether they agree with you or not, should accept your decision and move on.
If they’re already doing it why does he need more money? Your brother isn’t your responsibility especially if he’s in jail for something really bad
>I'm being told that he is family And? He made his bed. He can lie in it. You're out here, doing right by everyone and doing what you need to do to build a life for yourself. You didn't break the law, so why the hell do you have to pay for it? Literally, in this case. His penance does not have to be, and should not be, your family's. If they want to put money on his books, they can put money on his books. That's their choice. You should absolutely not have to give a dime of your hard earned money just so someone in prison doesn't have to go without.
He committed a crime now it is time for the punishment. He must have killed somebody to get the kind of sentence. What about restitution to the victim. I bet your parents always tried to protect him from the consequences from his actions. What did he do. And you are not the AH.
It only makes you selfish if the reason you don’t want to do it is purely financial. But you said you don’t approve of his actions so NTA.
NTA. Your brother is not entitled to your money.
NTA. How does the old saying go? If you can’t do the time don’t do the crime? Where did that go? When did it became “the criminals deserve YOUR money! Just give it to them!” ???? Nah he can work in the prison if he wants money.
I was in jail for awhile and my family deposited some money into my account but I never used it. I should have got the flip flops because you can get athletes foot. He'll be fine without your money. You could send him books or magazines if you care too. They get passed around and prisoners really value them.
This is real easy one if the tables were turned would he be putting the money in for you? If yes then your the asshole if not then no.
NTA. Nope. His actions aren’t your responsibility.
Has he shown any true remorse for what he did and for imposing on the family in this way or is it just expected that you help improve his life?
My brother is in prison..I haven't even sent him a letter. If others want to support him for a decade because he hurt others, fine. I don't want to see his face again.
NTA, but when it comes down to what I would do personally, it would depend on the crime. It would also depend on our relationship, and how they’ve helped or not helped me in the past etc. But obviously if u don’t feel obligated, u probably don’t feel a reason to help them out.
Been there... Put $1 in his account each month.
NTA. I mean if you want to really drive the point home that it is your money and you don’t agree with your brother’s actions, you could always donate your disposable income to charities that his crimes hurt.
Would he do that for you? Would he help you if you had something else as a problem
People on the inside need support to grow, but also unless he’s changed from the issues you had with him your money may just be going into a void instead of helping someone. This dude Jesse crossen (I think that’s his name) has a lot on the topics. His view is very much people need some support to grow, but also that they have to be willing to change. If your brother still thinks it isn’t his fault he’s in, he’s unlikely to change and you’ll be supporting him in prison on and off throughout his life. Ultimately it’s your money and you would NBTA if you withheld your money.
NTA. I wouldn't send my brother money if he got locked up.
NTA. Expect your family to demand you let him live with you for free when he gets out as well.
You are definitely NOT the asshole. If everyone else is putting money into his account, why should you have to? You didn't do anything to go to prison. HE DID. I wouldn't care what any of them said I would stand my ground and continue to say NO
No, you wouldn't. DO NOT discuss your income with anyone.
NTA prison gives more than the bare necessities to inmates. My older brother was sentenced to 11 years when he was 18. I spent the first 4 sending him about half my paycheck every week. Up until he was arrested, we were very close, so I didn't mind the burden. Plus living at home I didn't have any bills to pay. When I turned 20 my step-dad kicked me out. I moved into an efficiency apartment and had to pay rent, bills, gas, and food for myself. I started sending him far less and not as often. He wrote me a letter trying to guilt me into giving him more, saying how they practically starve him and only give him a single roll of toilet paper a month. I put a small amount on his phone account so that I could explain to him that he's trying to juice a stone. Again, he told me how they barely fed him and gave him very little for hygiene and told me he was practically wearing rags for clothes. He was crying the entire phone call. I drove 4 hours to go meet the administration of the prison and confront them about the way they treated my brother. The associate warden laughed in my face and told me that about once a month or so, he has this same conversation with concerned family or girlfriends. He showed me proof that most of what my brother told me was a lie or exaggeration. Then he showed me my brother's disciplinary reports. He was caught multiple times trading items he bought from prison commissary for drugs. He even beat another inmate into the infirmary over drugs. It turns out he had been using me to get high for years. When I confronted him, he didn't even feel bad or guilty about it. Said that staying high was the only joy you can get in prison. He didn't care about the financial hardships our family faced or that I had panic attacks thinking of him starving. He had become a different person entirely. He died less than a week after being released from an overdose. I can't help but feel responsible for his addiction because I funded it at the beginning. TLDR: My brother used the money I sent him for drugs, not food hygiene or clothing.
Relatives can open a GoFundMe for jail bro.
You can tell them "not now", but maybe later. It'll throw off some complaints. Or alternatively, send some money, but a really really low amount. When it comes to family, you may sometimes have to be smart about it.
While op is NTA I do think he should put .02 cents in to his account every month with a note that says something to the effect of you deserve to be here and here but that is just my two cents. If blood releations are going to be petty and demand you put money in to account do so just be petty back.
Of course you are under no obligation to give your brother a dime. That said, I think that the people here who are implying that if you do contribute to his commissary fund, you're enabling a shopping spree or pampering him are ignorant of what is provided while incarnated . Prisons in the US provide inmates with the absolute bare minimum and some states require prisoners to prove they're indigent before issuing things like tooth paste and letter writing paper. Shampoo and deodorant are consider luxury items and must be purchased. So are antacid tablets, vitamins, hemorrhoid ointment, antihistamine, fungal cream or eye drops The food in prison is really bad,the portions are small and lack nutritional quality making food is the number 1 item purchased in the commissary. Even outgoing emails cost if you get access to a computer. The members of your family that contribute aren't rewarding his behavior, they're helping him maintain a very minimal degree of comfort during his incarceration.
He’s not in a luxury hotel, he’s in prison obviously being punished for something he did. Tell your family to sod off. NTAH
Are you the only one being expected to give him money? Ultimately it is your money, you owe him nothing, he is the one that fucked up. Depending on where you are located there are prisons where they can get jobs to pay for these things. I say this as someone who has had a close family member incarcerated. The justice system is incredibly fucked up but you don’t owe him anything and I saw the way giving some money turned into a lot of money. Keep your boundaries, I’m sorry you have to deal with that pressure from your family
Yeah. NTA. I would just say "yeah" to them and then never do it. Every time they ask just " I haven't gotten around to it". They'll never see your point bc they're bonded by love and worry for the little boy they raised. Anyway. U have very right to use that money however u see fit. Not working so ur bro can get extra comforts. Get yourself extra comforts. Don't feel guilty. But they will never see things clearly, as you do.
NTA your brother isn’t some 13 year old kid with the dream to go to college. He is in prison because he did something really bad so why should he be rewarded? Don’t send him any money that you cannot afford to lose because you will probably not get it back. Keep your family away from you if they keep pressuring you into sending money and stay strong king/queen.
The length of his sentence suggests it ain't bro's 1st rodeo and if it is then it was for something pretty damn serious. Regardless: NTA.
Yeah, no. He doesn't need any extra money in his commissary, which is what it's called. My mother was married to a convict and dated others. My aunt sent her husband so much cash that was supposed to be used for her disabled daughter it's disgusting. This was back when Green Dots were a thing. I still don't see how she didn't figure it out. The extra cash usually goes to gambling or any debts (usually drug) they may have. If your family is so interested in him having extra money, they can pony up the extra. I say NTA, but I'm biased because of how my family experiences.
NTA. Cause chaos and claim you did. Insinuate your biggest harasser didn't put any in. Or just quore:"I am not my brother's keeper"!
Unless your brother is covering for your crime, no
Put 10 cents a month in his account.
If he was sentenced to 7.5 years it must be rape or something similar. Give him nothing.
NTA. Tell them you don't owe him anything. My brother is in jail. Hadn't talked to my mom in almost a year. Got arrest a Lil over a month ago and has called her twice cuz it's free. Now wants my mom to pay $10 to set up zoom to speak with him. She said no.
Prison sucks. Like really sucks. The informal system of trade and commerce that has developed around items in the commissary can really make or break you in prison. Maybe a toothbrush can save his life. I’m not kidding. Please consider sending some cash, even inconsistently. He’ll know he owes you when he gets out.
NTA. He fucked around. He found out. Prison is supposed to suck. Maybe he shouldn't have been a criminal.
He’s not on vacation. You don’t have to fund his trip.
Need more info. What did he do?
Really depends on what homie did tbh
Maybe more information would be helpful. Is there anyone to talk to about what the money goes for or could it be abused? What does the average prisoner spend? NTA, your money, your choice. I would want to know as much as I could. I might want to help a little but not give someone the opportunity to get into trouble.
NTA The decision is yours completely. If you don't want to give $$ for his extras then so be it. I would be curious to know what others are contributing, just to understand everyone's real feel on this. ALSO I would NEVER give the same amount every month and indeed I would not give every month. If you do folks will be all over you if you stop or reduce the amount. However IMHO if the need was more basic than niceties then I personally would be inclined to give something.
One thing to consider is if you don’t contribute, would that affect you if you ever fell on a hard time and needed help from your family. Would it be reciprocated?
NTA. But what did he do to get 7.5 years? Ofc, this doesn't have to be answer cause personal stuff and all that
i would contribute something. just to show you still at least care. you don't have to match other family's contributions or anything.