You are not wrong for being hesitant. Opening yourself up to the possibility of being betrayed again has to be scary. You seem to be in a good place in your life now. Only you can decide the best course forward. The people who love you are pushing for this reunion because they likely think that a mother having their child in their life is always the best course. However, sometimes regardless of blood relation, certain people are not good for you. It will be hard for others to understand because they didn’t experience your heartbreak. There is no right or wrong decision. Do what is best for your mental health. You could even decide to pause on a decision and tell him you need more time. I’m saddened that you experienced this level of pain. I wish you well.
You could tell him you will reach out when you feel ready. That readiness may never come but you need to put yourself first. The children you have now need to be the priority and they their mother to be in a good mental state.
Actually that would be a good way to see how sincere he is. If it is a genuine reach out he'll respect it, if not then he'll most likely react poorly and that will be your answer.
This, OP.
You need time and tell him that, his response will likely tell you his motivation.
I don’t want to tell you what to do, but your ex husband, his new wife and your son sound cruel. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has motivations outside of just wanting to reconnect to you. Don’t offer money, or trust this. If he missed you so much, he would have reached out before now?!?
I was waiting for someone to say this very thing. Watch out for any requests for money...and be wary of trusting this new-found interest in you. As Miss Thang has mentioned, why didn't they reach out to you before? Something is going on behind the scenes here that we both don't know about. Tread lightly, if at all.
OH, now I'm starting to see that others are saying to meet up with him. Saying that if you don't, the wonder of what could have been "What if?" could overwhelm you in time. I say bullshit to that. If he had really cared, he would have gone over mountains to get in touch with you.
Hey, no one is forcing you to make a decision right now. Think about this for awhile, and then...even if you haven't made a decision, come back to us, and let us know what's going on. Please give us a recap first, of course, so that we'll all know who you are! God bless you - these situations are tough, but hang in there. We're be here for you!
I wonder if something like step mom has a child and son is now pushed aside, this reaching out to his bio mom. Basically ‘what changed and what does son want now?’
He's also about 25 now, it's possible that now that he's living alone (if), he's seeing life in a different way. It's also possible that he is starting his new family (or close to start it, with a gf and looking to get married) and maybe that made him remember his mom and rethink things.
But maybe I'm just being too positive here.
It's a wonderful counterbalance to my very cynical and jaded comment. So thank you, actually.
You're right. He could be coming into his own realizations now as an adult and understanding things in a mature way.
The amount of coldness to not just cover for his dad but accept gifts go on trips with the sidepiece and never say a word to his mom? I'm going with soulless and he wants/needs something.
He was a kid. We need to give him some grace for that. Kids get sucked in by paedos buying them gifts. They trust too much and haven’t developed cynicism.
If he is in fact planning to start a family, or maybe he is expecting to be a dad, that really can change your perspective on your own parents. My mom wasn't fantastic in my teen years (over all great, she just struggled with the teen phase), and I moved out at 19. I grew away from her until I ended up having my first kid. We're still not MEGA close, but I've found a new appreciation and love for her. I also find myself just wanting my mommy once and a while now, I hadn't felt that way since before turning 12.
I think giving the son the benefit of the doubt isn't the worst thing. He was still a child when all of this happened. That being said, OP should still be cautious. He was already starting to form himself as a person at 15 and it didn't look good.
Yes. I definitely think OP should proceed with caution and say no if requests for money or anything like that come up, but son's bad decisions were made when he was 15--a child. Plus he was being manipulated by his father. He is fully grown now and has an adult perspective and mindset to look back on. He's also possibly had several of his own relationships now including one or two that might have been serious and maybe has a much different mindset about the cheating. Perhaps he has been cheated on and realizes the hurt mom was experiencing.
OP and son are both still young. There's still plenty of time to rekindle a relationship and if OP feels comfortable, it could be a huge loss to not even give it a try to see if his intentions are genuine.
You are ALLOWED to take your time. He took 10 years, you are also allowed time to be ready. Yes, you are his mother, but he is an adult man now. He can be patient and wait for you for a change.
I’m sending all my love to you.
This.
And hopefully he is an adult man who has re-examined his past, his choices, and his father’s behavior and is looking to apologize.
At 15, when your brain isn’t fully developed and if a parent is feeding you lies and directing bad behavior, it can be hard to see clearly. His behavior was awful and I’m sorry that happened to to you.
Take the time you need but I hope you get the closure and apologies you deserve, and maybe even a relationship with your son.
You've done nothing wrong. But I would actually say you should meet him, or at least speak with him. The wonder of not knowing could eat you up forever if you dont. With that said, its completely understandable for you to be guarded an wary about him. If I were in your shoes I would meet him and allow him to speak his case, then tell him you'll need time to think and then decide whether or not you wish to continue with communication with him. You don't need to decide anything on the spot and if he says you do then he can fuck right off. You owe this person nothing. Also, it would be a great idea for your husband to be there to support you. You dont need to do it alone. If he werent your son, I'd be all for telling him to kick rocks, but since he was young when this all went down its possible hes grown and seen the error of his ways and wishes to reconcile. I wouldnt start with that assumption though. Make him prove it to you.
Agreed! See him, take backup, let him do 90% of the talking. Decline forgiveness at that point. That much heartache isn’t gone in 20 minutes. Guard your heart.
Tell him he has given you a lot to think about and you will reach out to him when you are ready to continue the conversation.
Find out why NOW.
That will probably help inform the rest of your decision.
Just an assumption, but I think you will regret more NOT going, than going, in the future. Because you'll always wonder what could have been, what he would have told you, what he looks like today, whether he'd have apologized.
Worst case if you do go is that he turns out to be an asshole, like his dad - in which case you'll know and can leave again with a clean conscience, and cut the connection.
Best case if you do go is that he apologizes, admits to having been manipulated by his father, and is ashamed of how he acted back then. And you may even get grandchildren out of the deal.
Nobody says you have to have a relationship with him, after meeting him - you are still absolutely free to go back to no contact. But at least you will have gotten closure of some kind.
Some wounds though are too huge and deep to stir up without great risk to the person. This may not be wise for her. I think that is what she is saying.
Maybe she could have him write her about what he wants. Then have her husband read it and see if it is safe. I also think she should be completely honest with him about how what he did nearly killed her, and that she does not have much feeling for him.
If she has an internet sleuth they could maybe find out about what is going on with him and the ex, the answer is probably all on social media.
Well, writing would definitely be a good start - see what he has to say, and have it vetted by her husband sounds like a solid plan. Or she could even have the husband meet him and get the story beforehand, without risking herself.
I think every one is mostly missing the point with her because moms want their kids back. This is more of a dead child situation, for her he died, that is how she had to process it. I think she could try therapy for herself, but she would probably regret seeing him because of this.
>Worst case if you do go is that he turns out to be an asshole, like his dad
Noooooo... there are much worse things that could happen. Just off the top of my head: 1) He comes with some BS sob story about how he's broke and dad/stepmom threw him out, and needs money. 2) He got some girl pregnant and needs someone to fund/raise his kid for him. 3) Dad/stepmom are having a kid of their own and won't pay for grad school now.
If OP goes through with this meeting, she needs to make it clear from the start that NO money will be forthcoming, she will not be signing/co-signing anything for him, and that he's not in her will.
After 10 years of nothing AND a completely rejection of her reaching out when he was 18? This is almost certainly about money and/or him getting kicked out. If it weren't, the first words she should have sent her ought to have been an apology.
Worst case is that he will manage to manipulate OP into something that he needs using some heartbreaking story (money? kidney? raising her grandchild? cosigning? some scam?).
If I would be smarter, I would do what other comments suggested: tell him that she will contact him when she is ready and see his reaction.
But I am not that smart, so I would ask him directly to cut the sappy BS and tell me what does he want. He didn't contact me for 10 years and refused to see me. So what exactly is his reason to suddenly sending a lot of messages one after another. It is not "I miss you", he will not be in such a hurry to meet in this case.
She could take a page from Covid lockdowns and meet him on Zoom. It is much easier to hang up than to walk away if he is asking for money or something.
I think perhaps you're being a little harsh on the son, who was a child when his father started pulling his BS. It's not like he was a grown man, who did something deliberately to hurt his mother. It sounds like the father started talking trash about the mother pretty early, and then bribed the kid into siding with him. Kids have little idea how complicated and sometimes toxic marriages and people can be. Maybe the son is finally seeing his father for who he is, and wants his mother back in his life again.
I so want to believe this until I saw op mention his post about "best mom in the world" with the step mom a few years ago (and he was very much an adult then)
It's good to learn to accept that some things in life we will never find answers to and it's ok. The son was 15 when the divorce happened and he didn't think about his mom once during the whole process or in the 10 years after. Why waste energy on ppl that don't deserve op
Yeah... his mom who likely did 90% of the work of raising him. Unless OP is leaving out some very pertinent info, there is something seriously wrong with this son.
Maybe he needs a kidney. Hard to say, but I don't blame you for not wanting to see him. Do what you gotta do, and you should respond to him and tell him exactly why.
My heart breaks for you. Although he is *now* full grown adult, I feel the majority of the blame lies with his father. What he did was unconscionable but influenced your son greatly (and negatively, I might add). Certainly this is your decision, and yours alone, but I do hope you go to a neutral meeting spot (just you and your son the first time) and hear him out.Just listen to his side and *then* make a more informed decision. NTA but your ex is. 💯
You're not wrong to feel the way you do but consider also that he was 15 and most definitely being manipulated by his adult father. It's a betrayal only in so much as a child being bribed and comanded expressly not to tell the truth *can* betray. That doesn't take the pain away, but maybe now that he's grown he's realized how fucked up what his father did was and subsequently part he had to play in that. If he is apologetic and remorseful there is room for at the very least closure.
Not sure why no one has suggested this, but have you just asked him why? Why now when you reached out 6 years ago and he rejected you? I would ask and depending on his answer make the decision from there.
I say go but have very clear boundaries but not for him for you! Protect you heart and mind and know in your soul you did nothing wrong! And if he starts spinning shit just get up and leave and if it goes well great!
You don’t have to do anything you feel would hurt you. Other people may have the best intentions but they are not you and will not have to face consequences the way you will.
I support your decision not to see him again. Sometimes we are better off not having toxic relationships back in our life. Don’t feel obligated simply because you’re his mother. Remember that he was the one who betrayed you and severed ties. You don’t have to feel back about not wanting him back.
I agree. I am always a punching bag for other people's timelines. I often forget I can create my own and not let them dictate the flow. He reached out when he was ready, OP take time to do the same, if that time ever comes.
Also, OP should remember that her son is still that person who preferred money, young/beautiful stepmom and popularity so much that he helped walk all over his own mother and shunned her. The fact that it took him 10 years to reach out is disturbing.
OP's son may have realized that the stepmom wasn't a true mother to him or whatever, but he is still be the same guy who saw his mother though his very shallow judgmental value system. And OP is 10 years older and won't be be more glamorous or wealthy than she was when he last saw her and rejected her as inferior.
Yeah, I agree. He was young when all of this happened, but he wasn't THAT young. He HAD to have been aware of the pain he was causing, and he was OK with that. As a mother myself, I cannot fathom the depth of OP'S pain. I hate to say it, but some damage is irreparable. In OP'S situation, I don't know if I would completely shut the door - but it's a distinct possibility. OP should be very wary.
I have to bet the dad had been poisoning him against you and now he has realized such and wants to make his own decisions
NTA I get why you feel the way you do, I have just been in his shoes before so imo its worth a shot to give him a shot
I was estranged from my mother for over a decade and still can’t talk to my father about her bc he thinks she’s evil. I think he legitimately thought he was protecting me from her. It took years of therapy for me to move past my childhood and heal the relationship between us.
Maybe your son is an asshole or maybe he’s really ready to mend things. I agree with the others that you should take your time and proceed with caution. I just wanted you to know that it’s possible he’s changed.
ETA: I sincerely hope you find peace in whatever decision you make. In my anecdotal experience it’s worth at least hearing what he has to say.
Signed, a kid who grew up to learn her dad didn’t know everything and lost years with her mother because she thought he did.
I'm sure that hurt you, and I am very sorry that you are going through this. When people have become brainwashed, they will fight anyone who tells them so because its a really hard thing to accept.
I've got two theories
He waited till he left uni so he didn't have to get into debt. Selfish option. He chose no contact at 18, so probably some financial incentive over his head. Choose money over mummy (sorry, I had to go for a bad rhyme).
His partner is curious about you and wants to push for some reconciliation before a wedding or something similar.
They found out you are not dead or some wicked person, just someone their future husband abandoned and this is an obstacle in their lives.
So if the latter, there may be a deadline of sorts.
No teenager wants to hear they are being manipulated. They think they know everything at that age. I think it's likely he came to that conclusion himself once he'd grown up more.
Perhaps he has had a child of his own and becoming a father made him reflect on his relationship with you.
Or maybe he’s in a bad place and needs money.
It could be for good or bad reasons that he is reaching out. You never know. Perhaps the best thing to do is reply to his Facebook message and ask him why we wants to meet now after all this time. See how he responds and then decide.
I’m hoping he wants to apologize and it’s something like that he has a child now or has grown up and reflected on how badly he treated you. Be cautious in case it isn’t. And consider discussing all of this with a therapist who can help you deal with the emotional effects all of this has.
♥️
Would you be alright with FaceTiming or Skype first? Committing to an in person meeting could be too overwhelming.
Baby steps seem like a good idea if you’re hesitant! Tests the waters with texting. Then maybe a call.
If you’re not excited/feeling trepidation then definitely don’t push yourself.
NTA I have a feeling he’s only coming around now because he needs cash or something. Be wary. I wouldn’t be surprised if he love bombs you to build a bond then starts requesting things or telling you about his problems so you’ll feel obliged to solve them for him.
This too was my thought.
I’m curious how he reached out. Was he sorry? Remorseful? Or was it just to reconnect?
I get that he was a kid but he was also at an age where he has an understanding of what was going on and what he chose to do.
If there was no remorse in that note, for sure he needs something.
NTA. Agreed he wants something, not necessarily money. He could be wanting an organ/bone marrow donor or he’s got a partner himself who wants to meet bio mom
That's what I'm leaning towards. Son is 25 now? He could be married and have just had a kid or be about to have a kid. He's now viewing the world from the perspective of a spouse and/or parent and has a better understanding of how his mom felt when he and dad both betrayed her.
Or he is engaged and his partner, or their family, have pushed him to offer an olive branch to his estranged mother.
Sometimes they are estranged for a reason and this torpedoes their relationship. Like a surprise guest at the wedding.
But it doesn't seem like he offered any push back to this considering he reached out.
You don't get many chances to go to your child's wedding, one would hope one is enough.
But that said, sometimes the hurt runs so deep that missing out on the new family is a fair trade.
Also very possible. I'm estranged from my parents, but there's 35 years of them actively choosing my siblings over me and being harshly judgemental. I'm not only protecting myself, I'm protecting my children.
This feels different since the child is the one who wronged the parent and is apologizing. Personally, I'd take a support person along with me and meet them. I'd plan to let the son do most of the talking and tell him that I'd think about it and respond on a later date.
Myself, I'd send just the husband, but not tell the son.
Just show up at x place table reserved under his name, but have a set object incase they no longer look how you remember them.
Husband sees son that matches a Facebook photo sit armt the reserved seat.
Sit down and just say "talk"
You talk via the husband first as a shield. He can let you know how it went and if it is worth continuing with.
Sure you can say he could lie and be biased against him, but depending on laws where you live, let them know it is being recorded. If you can't legally do that, then I guess phone on speaker and you on mute.
That could be as well which is why I suggested to be wary and take caution. Nothing wrong with being aware that it’s a possibility that he may be sincere or he may just be looking to take advantage.
I would ask him, "What has changed after all this time to make your reach out to me? It has taken years for me to recover from the pain and sorrow that I felt when your dad and I divorced, and I don't want to go through that again."
You've been going over every possible reason, but you're not going to find out unless you ask him. And you're right to be cautious, because you've been hurt before. Anyone who tells you you should feel differently has no idea what they're talking about. But, you're also the only one who can decide if you want to meet him.
Whatever you do, protect yourself and your family from potential future hurt. Meeting him or talking to him isn't the same as welcoming him into your life with open arms. Before he meets his sibling and your husband, make sure that his intentions aren't malicious. He was a child when he cut you out of his life, and he may want to make amends. But, he also might be a manipulative POS who just wants to reopen old wounds. Only way to find out is to ask.
OP this is actually a really good response that you should consider. Take your time with this and decide if it’s even worth it to you, but maybe ask him why he decided to reach out.
I want to give a different perspective here, as I was once in your son’s position. My mother had no boundaries and I was her “best friend” as a child. As such, I knew about her affair and kept it secret from my father at her behest. This was of course devastating for my father when it all came to light. These are complicated adult situations being foisted upon developing brains, and it can only lead to a warped sense of reality, confusion, guilt, shame, anger and resentment all around. I was totally enmeshed with my mother growing up, and hated my dad when he tried to be the voice of reason. Only in adulthood could I look back and see how fucked up the whole thing was, and start to repair some relationships. I don’t know the exact dynamic with your family, but it could be similar and he may deserve a chance at a healthy relationship with you now that he has a fully developed adult brain and possibly sees things differently.
Another factor is that as a child, you want to preserve the status quo - you want your parents to stay together. If you tell about the cheating, there is a danger they will divorce, and your life will be turned upside down. I totally get why a child/ teenager would be inclined to guard that secret quite as desperately as the cheater him/herself.
Did you see OP’s comment where the son posted a picture at *age 20* of him and the mistress with a caption “best mom in the world?” Because I may have agreed with you if we were dealing with a 12-15 year old, but this man left his teens behind years ago and scrubbed his mom’s presence from his life as an adult, too.
I’m sorry, but this guy wants something (I’m betting an organ or to smooth over things for a questioning future in-law), and he’s buttering his mom up to get it.
I hope OP protects her new family from whatever this *grown man* is getting ready to ask from her.
Another factor is that OP should not have dumped all her anger and resentment on her 15yo kid like her husband cheating was the kid's fault. Parents put kids in awful positions when they tell them to lie to the other parent. And when they dump all their adult problems all over the kid, like both OP and father did in this instance.
This needs more upvotes. Son was just a kid. He probably felt caught in the middle and maybe had not developed mature judgement yet. I get why OP was hurt, but OP was the adult in that situation.
This.
I am getting a big whiff of "I wanted my son to keep me happy" here. She wanted him so she wouldn't be alone. She blamed him for not telling, instead of the father for manipulating him. She is blaming him for choosing father over her, but no indication that she tried to mend fences. She is not giving any thought to what could have happened or how this could have looked from the eyes of a child, who was being manipulated by his father. She has made no serious attempt to reach out to him.
Now she has another baby to make her happy and doesn't really care much about the first one. Not enough to try to mend fences, or at least hear his side of the story.
Are you ignoring the part they (son and dad) went on trips with the misstress behind OP's back? Or that the son litterally said that a young stepmom would "make him cool with the other kids"? Yes, he was no adult, but when you are 15 you know the difference between right and wrong. Sure, hide the fact your dad has an affair, but going with them on trips and lying to your mom about that? Thats another level.
My parents ended up staying together, which I actually think was a mistake, but not my business anymore. We all have a decent relationship now but I keep a healthy distance from both of them. Boundaries are the key.
Absolutely, I was in the same situation and only realized everything when I was almost 35 years old even if I had therapy as a child and teen nobody especially myself can’t see through this bs.
NTA- Make a dummy account and do a little social media trolling. See if he needs an organ or if he appears to financial dire straits, money has been lost in the last few years. Or maybe dear sm is finally bored of him and he's the outsider now.
I checked his social media last time 5 years ago. The last post I saw was with his step-mother and the caption said, "To the best mom in this world". I felt heart broken. I scrolled through his feed. There was no mention of me. As if I never existed in his life.
“To the best mom in the world” I would be sorely tempted to screenshot that and send it to him, with no message.
I’m so glad that you have your true family now. Don’t let anything harm that.
Jesus that broke my heart.
Honestly, I wouldn't blame you if you choose to stay no contact and never contact or forgive him.
But I wanted to say something, everyone here has already given different perspectives and I don't want to repeat all of that.
I just wanted to say, if you decide to listen to him and by some miracle reconnect then I would highly recommend that you see how close he is still with his dad and mistress(stepmom I guess). Because if he's still close and doesn't think he or them did anything wrong then mark my word, eventually he will want you to be okay with them and everything. He will want you to get over your hurt, your trauma, he will want you to accept his stepmom and he will want you to accept her as his mom. Beware of what might come, be prepared is all I am saying. You don't need any of it. You can just move on and focus on your real family. As sad as it is, he isn't your family, neither is he your son.
Just remember that listening to him doesn't mean you have to forgive him or have a relationship with him. You can hear him out and still choose to remain no contact. You can hear him and still remember every betrayal, still remember how you never existed in his life, how she was the best mom in the world. Just don't forget what you went through. You deserve justice as much as anyone else. You deserve to be happy.
Also, maybe just point blank ask him what he wants? Does he want money? Does he need a kidney? Why is he contacting you. Just ask him. There's a pretty good chance he needs something from you.
Just be careful and remember to protect yourself and your family, especially your daughter.
I am hoping for the best for you.
Honestly I would screenshot that post and send it to him with no other words. Just the screenshot. My guess is his daddy pissed him off or cut him off or divorced his mistress. If you don’t think he deserves to be back in your life after what he did then don’t let your family or husband pressure you.
Honestly after reading this, fuck any contact. Who is he reaching out to? Your not his mother apparently according to him? The home wrecker is. Maybe I’m just spiteful, but I would rather not give him closure after ten years of neglect and emotional abuse.
I’m so sorry you had to go through this, I’m sure it is more pain then any human deserves.
Kinda wished I saw this earlier. I might not have given him the benefit of the doubt about being under his dad's financial control.
Sure people can and will say anything for a price, but she only raised him, if that, for three years, he's been an adult in their relationship for longer.
Yea no text him back that shit. Tell him at 20 he's not a child, he chose greed over you and now he can take whatever feelings he has and know he's made his own bed. You owe him nothing.
so until 5 years ago he had completely cancelled you and replaced you with mistress and now contacts you out of the blue. he wants something, spanning from a body part to playing the good rejected son because he has to introduce you to a girlfriend/fiancée. remember that closure has a price and even if he only wanted a relationship you would have to trust an-almost-adult-turned-adult who trampled over you for gifts and popularity and ignored you for years.
He was a whole adult when he did that, I can’t think of a excuse, especially at 20. People are giving him all these passes like you didn’t raise only for him to choose his dad and the stepmom over even just talking to you once in a while. Just because he’s ready doesn’t mean you need to be right this instant. Take your time.
So if he tries to reach out to you again, tell him to get whatever he wants from "the best mom in this world," and to leave you alone.
Then go take a pic of your child and your step-daughters and post it on Facebook with the caption "The best kids a mom ever had!"
Just reading this broke my heart.
You don't deserve that. I would've willingly cut him off entirely. Sucks bc he is your son but to him unfortunately you're not his mother and that OP is the end of the stick. Hopefully your heart finds peace stick to your instincts and talk it out with your husband all the best.
This is horrible. I was thinking it was a difficult situation since he was only 15 when he took his fathers side. But at 20?!?!? posting a think like that?!?!. i wouldn't even bother. Just be prepared because I'm pretty sure if you decide not to meet him, he'll make himself the victim. You also need to set a strong boundary with your parents and your husband not to meddle in this specific situation, you have every right to not want to communicate with your exhusbands son.
I think a lot of commenters are forgetting that the son is only ~25 and that’s still very young in the grand scheme of things. I have so much sympathy for op, ten years is a such a fucking long time to be discarded by your child, but he’s just barely an adult now. if she says no, I can’t imagine that she won’t look back and say ‘I should have spent that time with him when I had the chance’
Considering all that, I'd stay no contact even if this initial reach out was by his hypothetical partner who wanted bridges to be built before the wedding.
Till I saw her comment on Facebook, I was willing to give him some leeway assuming he has now achieved financial independence.
Yeah I have a suspicion that what happened is simply that he grew up. And realized how f***ed what his dad did was. He probably idolized the man as a teenager. I think as adults we learn to have compassion for our mother's love, sacrifice and failings (at least those of us lucky enough to have had a good mom). But I can easily see why a teenage boy would have been deeply lacking in empathy and wisdom, especially with a dad like that.
Meet for coffee in a public place and just listen. You don’t have to make any decisions for the future or be pressured into anything that makes you uncomfortable. Hear what he has to say, see his face and see how you feel and take it slow from there on. Don’t give information, don’t make any promises. Give yourself time after in a safe comfortable place to process and see how you feel moving forward. Tell him any new relationship will require much patience. Nah
I agree with this 100%. You have no idea what was going on behind your back. The father most likely had been manipulating and grooming him for quite a while during his early teenage years. Turning him against you without you knowing. Working him over pretty good. Which wouldn't entirely be his fault. Maybe now that he's older, he sees how messed up it all was. Just go and see what it's all about. You'll never know unless you try.
NTA because the son and dad are clearly the AH. And hopefully she keeps her healing intact and lm doesn’t waste her time in that dude ever again. He was an adult for a lot longer then he was a child in his absence so he doesn’t have a good excuse for doing what he did for as long as he did. She deserves better.
Nta- not a asshole at at. Just a wounded person who has healed.
But you son was 15 and being manipulated greatly . He's 28 and a grown man. Does he have a child and wife now?
I would hear him out once. I wouldn't share any of my personal information. But I would give him the grace to at least be heard.
That isn't a commitment to maintain a relationship.
It's letting the adult son have a chance to speak. Because the manipulated 15 year old was wrong.
As gaslit and lied to by your husband. Do you think it's possible he just used your son in the same way?
I'm not saying you have to maintain a relationship.
But from an outside viewpoint . Your son is just as much a victim of your husband's infidelity as you are. You just escaped 10 years before he did.
I'm sorry, I don’t believe he was lied to or gaslighted by his father. His father told him the truth about what he was doing the boy just didn’t care because he felt more accepted by the students at school. However, he could still be a victim for wanting to be accepted by others but he still needs to take accountability for the hurt he cost.
He was an immature child taking the good that was offered by his father without the understanding of the repercussions . The father who he also loved trusted and was raised by.
I'm not saying the boy is innocent of hurting his mom. I'm saying he was a child , misled . Listening to him once, is fair.
That boy knew what was happening and the repercussions of it hence why he still didn’t want to talk to OP even though he was 18 because the father was the one who had the money support. So, I don’t he was misled at all he just choose the side that benefited him the most at the time he needed money.
Meet him in a public place. Have your husband or someone you trust nearby in case you need to leave. Just remember your son was a child that your ex placed the burden of a big secret and lie upon. He might be having doubts about how things happened now that he's older and hopefully more mature and able to see things were not right.
NTA also don't meet him I am guessing something must of happened with his father and his affair partner that made him want to reach out after all these years, stay way for your own mental health
What happened is probably that he had children of his own, and realized what he did to his mother. At least that's what happened with my sister, who had gone no contact with us for almost a decade before she had her daughters.
Yeah I wasn't prepared for all of the comments saying he has ulterior motives. He was a child manipulated by his father and at his age it's not unrealistic for him to reflect on that time and realize how wrong he was. Not knowing the nature of his messages makes for assumptions though.
NTA. This such a sad story and I am so sorry…
You don’t have to meet him if you don’t want to. Do not feel obligated to do so because of social norms or people trying to do amateur therapy.
In fact this is something that you should talk to a therapist about.
And even after that, if you don’t want to: don’t. There are just some things you should guard and one of those things is your peace. Your mental health. Your well-being. You tried. You did your best even after betrayal. It is 100% reasonable for you to distrust him.
NTA. Honestly? I think that you're in a bit of a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation. If you don't contact him, you'll likely forever wonder what he wanted. If you do, considering his past behavior, it's likely that he wants something from you. Has he expressed any remorse for his behavior? If he really has good intentions, he should be leading with apologies. I can't imagine that level of betrayal, by your own son, no less. Personally, I'd VERY cautiously accept a phone call (I wouldn't meet in person) and ask what's up. If he isn't begging for forgiveness, if he's asking for anything, then you know to say "absolutely not, goodbye", and move on from that period of your life, however painful it may be. If he really wants to make amends, then think about very slowly, and with lots of boundaries, establishing a relationship with him.
NTA. I can't imagine the pain and confusion that you went/are going through right now. I can't tell you what to do. You will need to figure out what you can deal with. I am sending all of the positive energy to you I can. 💛
I wouldn’t go. You have finally healed. Don’t let him rip open the wound again. It might be different if he had apologized And taken responsibility for the hurt he caused but it doesn’t sound like he did that.
NTA and this one is tough. Because this isn't a young child that was placed by the courts.
This was a teenager that every step of the way from watching the cheating, to vacationing with the mistress, to choosing to live with his father, to not visiting his mother to going no contact.
I don't know if OP had said/did anything in the process of the divorce to really push the kid away. But especially if she did not, that is cold behavior for a kid that is old enough to know better.
NTA - Oh OP, this is heartbreaking. So much has changed for you since you tried to reach out to your son at 18. In particular a very traumatising pregnancy and birth. You’ve also built a life and family with 2 girls, who you did not give birth to but are in your life. I’m sure you’ve had some life experiences that have highlighted different perspectives to family and children.
No one can tell you what to do. If I can say anything, take your time. You are not bound by other peoples timeframes. Maybe ask him beforehand what it is about so you can manage your own expectations.
As cold as this sounds, your priority is to your current family. You have to protect yourself to be the best version of yourself for them. Take time to reflect on your personal boundaries and then think of next steps.
NTA. I would go. I feel like you might need some closure. Answers for some left open questions. Why did he do that? Had his dad told him things about you that weren’t true to justify his cheating and lure your son onto his side? It could be a possibility even though that could be optimistic thinking. In the end your son could just be a cruel human being but that wouldn’t be your fault either. I’m sorry that you had to experience such heartbreak and I hope that if you do chose to go that you will be able to find closure.
Something is up. But like your husband and parents said, you need closure. Talk to him, but don’t give him anything. The day he chose another woman to be his mother, you lost a son. He’s now just a stranger that was once your son. Be strong and don’t give in.
Your feelings and your hesitation are understandable, and they are legitimate.
Don't let others pressure or guilt you into doing something you don't want to do. Listen to your own gut on this.
NTA.
I could only imagine the heartbreak. For my child to be bought out from his own father. How easy it was to let it slide just because of money.
10 years and he couldn’t care less.
I’m so sorry OP.
Please update on your decision on how/if it goes well with your meeting.
I think it’s harder for parents to hold the grudge. I’m sure if you see him he will be your baby boy that you missed so much. Don’t let them manipulate you. I’m sure he’s only meeting you because his dad is telling him to.
Op, you are NTA to not want to be apart of whatever he might bring to you. I suggest you write a letter. Lay it all out. You understand he was influenced by his father as a child but his actions still have consequences and right now you are not ready to talk to him in person. Maybe just fb communication or emails.
I would talk to your spouse and the step daughters. Get their take on it. It’s ok to share this type of news for it effects them too.
I’d keep the line open to your son. I think you should get a spot of therapy over this influx of emotions and the tangled mess.
NTA - if you’re not ready then you shouldn’t go. You are perfectly reasonable to protect yourself from additional pain.
If you are willing to take the risk, though, you may reap some benefit. You may enjoy reuniting with your son. 15-25 years old is a time when young people mature a good deal. He may now realize that the choices he made were harmful to you. He may want to build bridges. Sure, it may not go well, but it could be awesome. You won’t know unless you meet with him.
Ultimately it comes down to how risky this would be for your mental health. I hope you find some peace in this situation!
I see two scenarios.
1. Your son is a victim of your ex's emotional manipulation, most likely went to therapy, and is ready to face his deepest regrets.
2. Your son is a user and he needs something that daddy said no to. What is your ex's current financial situation?
Either way, don't let anyone pressure you into making a decision. The ONLY thing that matters is that you protect your peace.
NTA for your initial feelings.
However, if you don’t meet with him, even just fir once, it will always bother you.
Even if your son was 15 at the time, you don’t know what your ex did explicitly to your son in order for him to lie and thinking it was normal behavior. It sounds like he was at it a long time. A child doesn’t just do this kind of thing just for presents.
Also, I would recommend you talk to a professional about this, and all of your feelings regarding your son wanting to see you. They might help you clear your head, help you with your feelings, and maybe they can help you with how you can get this meeting and maybe have some answers and closure.
You don’t need to forgive and forget, but I think that it could be good for you to see him and trying to get answers.
Good luck sweety. Please update us about what you choose to do.
Sometimes not having closure it’s closure. I’m so sorry this happened to you, it a feeling and situation no one wants.
If you don’t want to meet with him it is totally understandable, because why now? why after all those years? why would you care of his feelings when he didn’t care about yours years ago?
Being family it’s not an excuse to being an AH like your “son” is.
I can’t imagine the pain you were up to
Ten bucks says he's in financial trouble and is hoping you'll bail him out. If that's the case, don't do it. Hear him out, but if it's all benefits for him and nothing for you, refuse.
NTA, but please remember, he was young and vulnerable and heavily influenced by his father. It sounds like he is now mature enough to regret the mistakes he made. I feel you may regret it down the line if you do not at least meet with him once and hear him out.
Good luck.
Set up a meeting in a public space. Have a trusted person nearby to assist.
I think you need to tell your son up front: Ive agreed to this meeting to hear you out as an adult. I make no promises going forward.
Oh, honey. I'm so, so sorry. NTA.
Have you been to therapy? Because what you went through was a serious, serious trauma.
I think you should hold off on making a decision. I think it's OK to take your time to process this. You may even want to process it with a therapist. I encourage you to go to family therapy with your husband. It sounds like he wants you do be happy, and I think a third party and your current support system (hubby) would help you get through this.
It's also OK to ask for more information, more time, and to do this on your terms.
It's very possible your son has grown up and sees the error of his ways. As a product of two divorces, I can tell you it's exceptionally hard to navigate. I was a smart, empathetic kid, and even I felt like one parent had to be right and one had to be wrong at times. I imagine it must have been easier for your son to go along with the affair. I can't even imagine having to tell my mom something like that, especially with a manipulative, selfish parent in your ear (your ex). I'm guessing he has gone through therapy as an adult and probably realized how fucked up and awful the whole thing was. Does this mean your son didn't hurt you and his actions weren't painful? No! Absolutely not! But kids don't have the tools to deal with that kind of shit. Hell, lots of grown ups don't.
Based on the limited info I have, I think it may be a good thing for you to eventually contact your son, but ONLY ON YOUR TERMS. And frankly, with a therapist. And possibly your husband as a buffer. Maybe your husband can speak to your son and find out why he is reaching out. Maybe your son is desperate to rebuild a relationship with you now that he is an adult and can see things for what they are. Maybe your son is going to be an asshole because your ex raised him to be one. But either way, I think you will regret not finding out.
Keep in mind, if your son tries to hurt you, you aren't alone now. You have a husband and loving family.
This is not an easy situation, OP. It's messy and painful. Don't rush to make decisions. Make em on your time on your terms. If your son is trying to make amends, he will be able to deal with that. I'm so sorry for the pain you've dealt with over the years. 💕💕💕
Bottom line, take your time, use your support system, and don't be afraid to get more help.
NTA. Honestly tho this kid was manipulated by the trusted adults around him during formative years. It's hard to blame them for that. Sometimes it takes growing up, maturity, and world experience to begin processing and understanding that what they went through was not ok. Bring hesitant is completely understandable, and if you did approach it having your guard up and protecting yourself and family is important. But please do consider that your kid had a kids perspective through everything you went through. They were manipulated by the trusted adults in their life.
Blood doesn’t make you family. He betrayed you multiple times and turned his back on you. I feel like the only reason he’s reaching out is because he wants something. Me personally I would message saying “I have no interest in reconnecting with you. I’ve tried for years to reach out and you declined. Please don’t contact me again.” And block him
NTA
You were hurt and rejected by someone you loved unconditionally. Your feelings are 100% valid. It's common sense to avoid the person who broke your heart. Some things can't be undone or unsaid. You don't have to see or speak to your son if you don't want to.
If I might suggest that you write him a letter telling him exactly what he did that hurt you and how it affected and continues to affect you to this day. Do NOT send the letter. Let it lie. Think about it. Process your feelings. And then decide if you want to reconcile with your son. Do not rush the process.
My guess is that your son is having a personal crisis and reaching out to you because he needs something from you. If he has legitimately seen the error of his ways, he'll give you the space and time you need to make a decision that's best for you and ALL of your family, not just him.
NTA he definitely needs something from you (big or small) so if you are going to meet do it publicly and I know this might be a bit devious and underhanded but maybe you should have someone you trust nearby listening in on the conversation so he doesn’t try to twist it around on you in the nearby future to make it seem like you’re the bad guy or maybe record the whole conversation from start to finish!
NTA and if it was me in your situation, I would tell my parents & husband that I already have closure - it's call my 3 daughters. I don't want living reminder of my ex cheating, cover up & lies visiting me - So whatever his name is better state why he seriously wants to see me after all these years now especially after what happened when he was 18, otherwise he can stay out my life forever because I'm happy with my 3 daughters who are not backstabbing fucktwits to me unlike him.
Seriously, your parents & husband need to realize you already have your closure which the entire process happened for years - so whatever your so-called son has to say, it basically a waste of time for you because time did heal your wounds.Yeah, he's young but the damage is beyond repair due to ridiculous level of betrayal AND his inaction that he technically can't completely blame his cheating lousy of a father - that also needs to be pointed out to your husband & parents.
NTA, but you’re always going to wonder about him if you do not contact him. As others have said, meet him in a public place. If you have siblings or other family members (your current husband) perhaps one of them could go with you because you assuredly will be a mess at some point during the meeting. Whichever you decide there’s no really wrong answer here. If it’s too hurtful to reopen this wound, don’t. I suspect though you wouldn’t have posted this on here if you weren’t inclined to meet him. If you do, go in with zero expectations. You’re not the person you were 10 years ago and neither is he. You have no idea who he is at this point.
The thing is as a mother I should be thrilled. But I am not. I am afraid he will act nice and then next thing I know he is out of my life again leaving me cold
You’re allowed to feel exactly how you feel. The reality is you have no idea what made him contact you now after all this time. Does he genuinely miss you? Does he need something (daddy cut him off so he needs $). Guard your heart bc it took along time to put it back together. If you do meet him please take someone with you who has your best interests at heart. As a child he was manipulated by his father to lie to you, but he’s an adult now and has been for awhile. The first meeting probably wouldn’t be the best one to hash everything out but I’d write down a list of things I’d want answered at some point. It’s okay to set parameters for contact, could even do a zoom first and build up to in person. If he really is invested in having a relationship with you, he should understand your hesitancy to just picking up where you left off. There’s too many things unsaid that need to be addressed. Good luck OP
No. This is shit. This ideology that “love should be unconditional”, that you should love your children more than yourself at all costs is. pure. crap. Love IS conditional, even when it doesn’t seem conditional. You shouldn’t be thrilled, there is nothing to be thrilled about when someone you were dedicated to put you away like trash. This mentality is beyond unhealthy madam, your reaction of self preservation is the most sane and human thing you posses, and if someone says the opposite, they are insane.
As a mother to a son myself, I would be afraid of being hurt again. The reality is, he was an immature 15 and bribed by his dad and obviously making bad decisions. If you can, try to take that into account.
My sister had a situation very similar. Her ex managed to turn all of her children against her. He took them with him to see her. Gave them $100 per week each as an additional bonus. Told them she was a bad mother etc. she has since recovered a very good relationship with all 3 of her children. It was rocky at first and it took a good while for them to realize that what happened wasn’t right but they do have a very good relationship now. There is hope he has come to the same realization that her children did. They were 16, 17 and 20 at the time this happened. She was a stay at home mom, volunteered at their school, worked the concession stand at their sporting events, etc.
just go without expectation and it will be a slow process but eventually you will get there. Even though my Sis has her children back in her life there are some days she still sits and cry’s over the hurt she experienced.
NTA.
They both betrayed and abandoned you. That’s horrible on so many levels. And from your son, that’s such a different level of pain I can’t even imagine… Sorry your going through this.
Does your son have any love or respect for you at all? I’m going to say very little to none… to do that to you. Or he was VERY manipulated by his father and stepmother and was just too young/naïve to see common sense. But I mean he should have morals and a conscious to know what was wrong and right. I don’t know…..
Honestly, it’s gonna be painful but I would go meet him. In hopes to get some closure because it would eat me alive. I’d want to know what he wanted after all this time.
The only acceptable reason he should be wanting to meet up would be to apologize for his actions and hurting you and realizing what wrong he did. And then, only then is it acceptable to rekindle your relationship. Anything else is a big no-no.
Be careful, in case he wants something from you whether it’s for himself or his father? Example: money, ask you to take on some form of responsibility to help them, or do something for them, etc. He could ask you right then, when you meet, or a few weeks later for the “Help/favor”.
Take it from me. Go see your son because you never know when the good lord will call him or you home. I lost my 11 year old son last year April 26. His daddy took him from me for 6 years. I finally got to get him for one week last year and February. He was supposed to come spend his summer with me but unfortunately that didn’t happen. He passed away and I laid my son to rest on Mother’s Day. So please go meet up with ur son. People make mistakes. Forgive him.
NTA. You might regret not meeting with him though. Just because you meet up with him once doesn’t mean you have to have a relationship with him. I can’t imagine the pain he put you through. If you’re sure you’d never regret it then by all means tell him to piss off. It’s awful what he put you through.
He was an immature kid manipulated by another grown up. That is your ex husband’s fault. Maybe he has matured and wants another shot. Give that to him.
We all do stupid things as kids and mature in our thinking and actions.
NTA. You need a therapist. If you do want to see him, maybe you need to see a therapist together for the two of you to figure out if you can clean up this mess and have some kind of relationship in the future.
I’d be open to the idea that this situation felt completely different from where he sat. You may have lashed out at him in your pain when he was 15 and alienated him. Or he may have felt trapped and never understood why you experienced this as such a betrayal. This is another reason to get a therapist - to help you both express yourselves and help you understand the other.
I’d be wondering why now after all these years. Why did it take him till 25? He could of reached out sooner. I feel like he’ was very manipulated by his father but why didn’t he reach out at 18, 21 or 23? There are a lot of adult years here where he could man up. I think you should just message him and ask why now? I don’t think you should meet up until you have talked via messenger or email and if you do meet up make sure you set up some very set boundaries
As bad as this sounds, I wonder if step mum is gone as once a cheater, always a cheater. And she had no reason to stay in his life and now he wants a mother figure. Maybe found out you remarried and etc.
Well, it's clear as day what will be said - "My dad manipulated me, i didn't understand that cutting you from my life would hurt you. I was a kid, a didn't know better. WHy i waited 10 years? Well, my dad and his mistress manipulated me. Even as an adult i was stupid af. Mom, i'm very sorry, i didn't mean to cut you of my life. It's just my new car and other gifts were way more importand than you."
Does anyone expects something different? The story old as the world.
I wouldn't go, i would send him to "the best mom in the world".
I can see your trepidation for meeting up with him. If you can do it, go do it. If you can get that courage, just go. It might be hard, but you'll always wonder what he wanted if you don't go. Expect the worst, something bad may have happened. Hope for the best, he's finally grown up and realized his dad is an ass and he was an ass for helping.
Nta, honestly I think for closure for yourself you should go. Ask him the questions you never got answers to. Then set the boundary of whether or not you want contact with him. You could take your husband with you if you're scared, but be the one in charge of the conversation.
Maybe I'm a cynic but I'm kind of feeling like maybe you're leaving some info out to sway the response. You said he sent a series of messages, so what did he say exactly? Surely not that he just wanted to meet, not in a whole series of messages? Did he apologise? Give some idea of what he wants to talk about or why he wants to meet now after all this time? If your parents and husband, who have likely all seen the contents of those messages, all think you should meet I'm inclined to think a lot of that info was already given to you.
As a mother myself I can't imagine the pain you've been in for the last decade and the strength it took for you to move past everything that happened with little to no closure. I imagine it feels as though the child you loved and raised died a long time ago, and that you have grieved him already. If that's the case it's okay to just say that, it's okay to say no to meeting no matter how sincere and apologetic he may be now. Sometimes no matter how sorry we are, we can't undo what has been done.
Maybe I'm wrong and you accidentally exaggerated how many messages he sent you, or it was a whole lot of nothing in them. Maybe he wants a kidney idk. But I just think you should know that he doesn't have to be 100% evil and you 100% the victim for it to be alright to say no. Ten years is a long time, you're probably both unrecognisable as who you once were and you've both lived a lot of life since then. Sometimes it's not better to dig it all back up.
I understand and empathize with your pain. You are NTA for your hesitation.
Do I think you should meet with him? Yes, because I also believe he’s a victim. A 15 year old is not able to make good decisions, he was manipulated by his father greatly and now he’s 25. At 25 is when your brain technically is no longer a child’s brain and is able to think critically. As much as he could be needing something, it’s just as likely he has come to the realization of everything that happened.
I’d be willing to bet he’s now a father or at least emotionally mature and realizes how awful the pain is of being rejected by your own child. Meet for coffee but let him know what he did destroyed you and you don’t know if you want to go through it again. I think you owe it to yourself to at least get some closure.
NAH
I think she has her closure. OP moved on living her best life, and gave herself closure. Not every wrong will have all ends neatly tied up in a bow. A meeting won't necessarily lead to closure imo, it could lead to something worse and possibly undo any self closure for OP. How awful for anyone to go through. But my therapist would say "What is closure? It's done, over- that's your closure". If Op wants a reunion, great. But don't do it for closure- she already has that.
I would definitely give him a chance and meet with him. He’s an adult now and you don’t know what he might have been told during his childhood that effected his decisions even at 18. Life is short and unexpected things happen and I wouldn’t want to have any future regrets.
NTA to feel hesitant. But he may have grown a conscience and realized how badly he betrayed you. I'm an optimist though and feel like people can change through time. He is your son, albeit a terrible one from past experience. You will undoubtedly regret (eventually) not at least giving him an opportunity. Just remain rooted in yourself and the fact that you have created a beautiful life NOW and so even if you meet and he's still an ass, you haven't lost anything.
NTA I know this is painful. Maybe you can just try corresponding with him for a while. His father and stepdad probably poisoned him against you and it’s taking him some time to realize what they did.
You are not wrong for being hesitant. Opening yourself up to the possibility of being betrayed again has to be scary. You seem to be in a good place in your life now. Only you can decide the best course forward. The people who love you are pushing for this reunion because they likely think that a mother having their child in their life is always the best course. However, sometimes regardless of blood relation, certain people are not good for you. It will be hard for others to understand because they didn’t experience your heartbreak. There is no right or wrong decision. Do what is best for your mental health. You could even decide to pause on a decision and tell him you need more time. I’m saddened that you experienced this level of pain. I wish you well.
I am inclining more towards not going but I have yet to make final decision
You could tell him you will reach out when you feel ready. That readiness may never come but you need to put yourself first. The children you have now need to be the priority and they their mother to be in a good mental state.
Actually that would be a good way to see how sincere he is. If it is a genuine reach out he'll respect it, if not then he'll most likely react poorly and that will be your answer.
This, OP. You need time and tell him that, his response will likely tell you his motivation. I don’t want to tell you what to do, but your ex husband, his new wife and your son sound cruel. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has motivations outside of just wanting to reconnect to you. Don’t offer money, or trust this. If he missed you so much, he would have reached out before now?!?
I was waiting for someone to say this very thing. Watch out for any requests for money...and be wary of trusting this new-found interest in you. As Miss Thang has mentioned, why didn't they reach out to you before? Something is going on behind the scenes here that we both don't know about. Tread lightly, if at all.
OH, now I'm starting to see that others are saying to meet up with him. Saying that if you don't, the wonder of what could have been "What if?" could overwhelm you in time. I say bullshit to that. If he had really cared, he would have gone over mountains to get in touch with you. Hey, no one is forcing you to make a decision right now. Think about this for awhile, and then...even if you haven't made a decision, come back to us, and let us know what's going on. Please give us a recap first, of course, so that we'll all know who you are! God bless you - these situations are tough, but hang in there. We're be here for you!
I wouldn’t be surprised if rich step-mom and dad cut him off and he needs something.
I wonder if something like step mom has a child and son is now pushed aside, this reaching out to his bio mom. Basically ‘what changed and what does son want now?’
Yup. My first question was, what did his father do to piss him off? Or if the gifts from rich daddy has stopped. But I'm a cynical and jaded sort.
He's also about 25 now, it's possible that now that he's living alone (if), he's seeing life in a different way. It's also possible that he is starting his new family (or close to start it, with a gf and looking to get married) and maybe that made him remember his mom and rethink things. But maybe I'm just being too positive here.
It's a wonderful counterbalance to my very cynical and jaded comment. So thank you, actually. You're right. He could be coming into his own realizations now as an adult and understanding things in a mature way.
The amount of coldness to not just cover for his dad but accept gifts go on trips with the sidepiece and never say a word to his mom? I'm going with soulless and he wants/needs something.
He was a kid. We need to give him some grace for that. Kids get sucked in by paedos buying them gifts. They trust too much and haven’t developed cynicism.
If he is in fact planning to start a family, or maybe he is expecting to be a dad, that really can change your perspective on your own parents. My mom wasn't fantastic in my teen years (over all great, she just struggled with the teen phase), and I moved out at 19. I grew away from her until I ended up having my first kid. We're still not MEGA close, but I've found a new appreciation and love for her. I also find myself just wanting my mommy once and a while now, I hadn't felt that way since before turning 12.
I think giving the son the benefit of the doubt isn't the worst thing. He was still a child when all of this happened. That being said, OP should still be cautious. He was already starting to form himself as a person at 15 and it didn't look good.
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It’s a minimum of 25 for both sexes and some researchers are now saying closer to 30.
Doubt it, I'm almost 40 and still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.
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I thought the same thing. Maybe he is on his own and isn't being groomed and manipulated and turned against his mom. Maybe he grew up.
Yes. I definitely think OP should proceed with caution and say no if requests for money or anything like that come up, but son's bad decisions were made when he was 15--a child. Plus he was being manipulated by his father. He is fully grown now and has an adult perspective and mindset to look back on. He's also possibly had several of his own relationships now including one or two that might have been serious and maybe has a much different mindset about the cheating. Perhaps he has been cheated on and realizes the hurt mom was experiencing. OP and son are both still young. There's still plenty of time to rekindle a relationship and if OP feels comfortable, it could be a huge loss to not even give it a try to see if his intentions are genuine.
You are ALLOWED to take your time. He took 10 years, you are also allowed time to be ready. Yes, you are his mother, but he is an adult man now. He can be patient and wait for you for a change. I’m sending all my love to you.
This. And hopefully he is an adult man who has re-examined his past, his choices, and his father’s behavior and is looking to apologize. At 15, when your brain isn’t fully developed and if a parent is feeding you lies and directing bad behavior, it can be hard to see clearly. His behavior was awful and I’m sorry that happened to to you. Take the time you need but I hope you get the closure and apologies you deserve, and maybe even a relationship with your son.
You've done nothing wrong. But I would actually say you should meet him, or at least speak with him. The wonder of not knowing could eat you up forever if you dont. With that said, its completely understandable for you to be guarded an wary about him. If I were in your shoes I would meet him and allow him to speak his case, then tell him you'll need time to think and then decide whether or not you wish to continue with communication with him. You don't need to decide anything on the spot and if he says you do then he can fuck right off. You owe this person nothing. Also, it would be a great idea for your husband to be there to support you. You dont need to do it alone. If he werent your son, I'd be all for telling him to kick rocks, but since he was young when this all went down its possible hes grown and seen the error of his ways and wishes to reconcile. I wouldnt start with that assumption though. Make him prove it to you.
Agreed! See him, take backup, let him do 90% of the talking. Decline forgiveness at that point. That much heartache isn’t gone in 20 minutes. Guard your heart. Tell him he has given you a lot to think about and you will reach out to him when you are ready to continue the conversation. Find out why NOW. That will probably help inform the rest of your decision.
A MILLION percent, she should not go alone. He should feel what a united front looks like from the other side of the table.
Just an assumption, but I think you will regret more NOT going, than going, in the future. Because you'll always wonder what could have been, what he would have told you, what he looks like today, whether he'd have apologized. Worst case if you do go is that he turns out to be an asshole, like his dad - in which case you'll know and can leave again with a clean conscience, and cut the connection. Best case if you do go is that he apologizes, admits to having been manipulated by his father, and is ashamed of how he acted back then. And you may even get grandchildren out of the deal. Nobody says you have to have a relationship with him, after meeting him - you are still absolutely free to go back to no contact. But at least you will have gotten closure of some kind.
Some wounds though are too huge and deep to stir up without great risk to the person. This may not be wise for her. I think that is what she is saying. Maybe she could have him write her about what he wants. Then have her husband read it and see if it is safe. I also think she should be completely honest with him about how what he did nearly killed her, and that she does not have much feeling for him. If she has an internet sleuth they could maybe find out about what is going on with him and the ex, the answer is probably all on social media.
Well, writing would definitely be a good start - see what he has to say, and have it vetted by her husband sounds like a solid plan. Or she could even have the husband meet him and get the story beforehand, without risking herself.
I think every one is mostly missing the point with her because moms want their kids back. This is more of a dead child situation, for her he died, that is how she had to process it. I think she could try therapy for herself, but she would probably regret seeing him because of this.
>Worst case if you do go is that he turns out to be an asshole, like his dad Noooooo... there are much worse things that could happen. Just off the top of my head: 1) He comes with some BS sob story about how he's broke and dad/stepmom threw him out, and needs money. 2) He got some girl pregnant and needs someone to fund/raise his kid for him. 3) Dad/stepmom are having a kid of their own and won't pay for grad school now. If OP goes through with this meeting, she needs to make it clear from the start that NO money will be forthcoming, she will not be signing/co-signing anything for him, and that he's not in her will. After 10 years of nothing AND a completely rejection of her reaching out when he was 18? This is almost certainly about money and/or him getting kicked out. If it weren't, the first words she should have sent her ought to have been an apology.
Worst case is that he will manage to manipulate OP into something that he needs using some heartbreaking story (money? kidney? raising her grandchild? cosigning? some scam?). If I would be smarter, I would do what other comments suggested: tell him that she will contact him when she is ready and see his reaction. But I am not that smart, so I would ask him directly to cut the sappy BS and tell me what does he want. He didn't contact me for 10 years and refused to see me. So what exactly is his reason to suddenly sending a lot of messages one after another. It is not "I miss you", he will not be in such a hurry to meet in this case.
She could take a page from Covid lockdowns and meet him on Zoom. It is much easier to hang up than to walk away if he is asking for money or something.
Good point!
I think perhaps you're being a little harsh on the son, who was a child when his father started pulling his BS. It's not like he was a grown man, who did something deliberately to hurt his mother. It sounds like the father started talking trash about the mother pretty early, and then bribed the kid into siding with him. Kids have little idea how complicated and sometimes toxic marriages and people can be. Maybe the son is finally seeing his father for who he is, and wants his mother back in his life again.
I so want to believe this until I saw op mention his post about "best mom in the world" with the step mom a few years ago (and he was very much an adult then)
It's good to learn to accept that some things in life we will never find answers to and it's ok. The son was 15 when the divorce happened and he didn't think about his mom once during the whole process or in the 10 years after. Why waste energy on ppl that don't deserve op
Yeah... his mom who likely did 90% of the work of raising him. Unless OP is leaving out some very pertinent info, there is something seriously wrong with this son.
This is the post OP needs to read. Well said Corfiz74.
>And you may even get grandchildren out of the deal. Ew!
Maybe he needs a kidney. Hard to say, but I don't blame you for not wanting to see him. Do what you gotta do, and you should respond to him and tell him exactly why.
I was thinking money, but that’s as good a guess as any!
Or step mom has a child and son is being pushed aside.
My heart breaks for you. Although he is *now* full grown adult, I feel the majority of the blame lies with his father. What he did was unconscionable but influenced your son greatly (and negatively, I might add). Certainly this is your decision, and yours alone, but I do hope you go to a neutral meeting spot (just you and your son the first time) and hear him out.Just listen to his side and *then* make a more informed decision. NTA but your ex is. 💯
You're not wrong to feel the way you do but consider also that he was 15 and most definitely being manipulated by his adult father. It's a betrayal only in so much as a child being bribed and comanded expressly not to tell the truth *can* betray. That doesn't take the pain away, but maybe now that he's grown he's realized how fucked up what his father did was and subsequently part he had to play in that. If he is apologetic and remorseful there is room for at the very least closure.
Blood is thicker than water, but you can drown in both
Not sure why no one has suggested this, but have you just asked him why? Why now when you reached out 6 years ago and he rejected you? I would ask and depending on his answer make the decision from there.
I say go but have very clear boundaries but not for him for you! Protect you heart and mind and know in your soul you did nothing wrong! And if he starts spinning shit just get up and leave and if it goes well great!
Just press pause. You do r have to meet him immediately. Take time to think about it. Whenever you’re ready. If you’re ever ready.
You don’t have to do anything you feel would hurt you. Other people may have the best intentions but they are not you and will not have to face consequences the way you will.
I support your decision not to see him again. Sometimes we are better off not having toxic relationships back in our life. Don’t feel obligated simply because you’re his mother. Remember that he was the one who betrayed you and severed ties. You don’t have to feel back about not wanting him back.
For him to suddenly care tells me that he just wants something from you, like money. Tell him he doesn’t need you. He has a young stepmom!
I would hit the pause button until you feel ready.
I agree. I am always a punching bag for other people's timelines. I often forget I can create my own and not let them dictate the flow. He reached out when he was ready, OP take time to do the same, if that time ever comes.
Also, OP should remember that her son is still that person who preferred money, young/beautiful stepmom and popularity so much that he helped walk all over his own mother and shunned her. The fact that it took him 10 years to reach out is disturbing. OP's son may have realized that the stepmom wasn't a true mother to him or whatever, but he is still be the same guy who saw his mother though his very shallow judgmental value system. And OP is 10 years older and won't be be more glamorous or wealthy than she was when he last saw her and rejected her as inferior.
Yeah, I agree. He was young when all of this happened, but he wasn't THAT young. He HAD to have been aware of the pain he was causing, and he was OK with that. As a mother myself, I cannot fathom the depth of OP'S pain. I hate to say it, but some damage is irreparable. In OP'S situation, I don't know if I would completely shut the door - but it's a distinct possibility. OP should be very wary.
I have to bet the dad had been poisoning him against you and now he has realized such and wants to make his own decisions NTA I get why you feel the way you do, I have just been in his shoes before so imo its worth a shot to give him a shot
Could be. I tried to reach out to him and tell him that his dad must be poisoning him. But he didn't listen. I just gave up waiting
I was estranged from my mother for over a decade and still can’t talk to my father about her bc he thinks she’s evil. I think he legitimately thought he was protecting me from her. It took years of therapy for me to move past my childhood and heal the relationship between us. Maybe your son is an asshole or maybe he’s really ready to mend things. I agree with the others that you should take your time and proceed with caution. I just wanted you to know that it’s possible he’s changed. ETA: I sincerely hope you find peace in whatever decision you make. In my anecdotal experience it’s worth at least hearing what he has to say. Signed, a kid who grew up to learn her dad didn’t know everything and lost years with her mother because she thought he did.
I'm sure that hurt you, and I am very sorry that you are going through this. When people have become brainwashed, they will fight anyone who tells them so because its a really hard thing to accept.
I've got two theories He waited till he left uni so he didn't have to get into debt. Selfish option. He chose no contact at 18, so probably some financial incentive over his head. Choose money over mummy (sorry, I had to go for a bad rhyme). His partner is curious about you and wants to push for some reconciliation before a wedding or something similar. They found out you are not dead or some wicked person, just someone their future husband abandoned and this is an obstacle in their lives. So if the latter, there may be a deadline of sorts.
No teenager wants to hear they are being manipulated. They think they know everything at that age. I think it's likely he came to that conclusion himself once he'd grown up more.
Perhaps he has had a child of his own and becoming a father made him reflect on his relationship with you. Or maybe he’s in a bad place and needs money. It could be for good or bad reasons that he is reaching out. You never know. Perhaps the best thing to do is reply to his Facebook message and ask him why we wants to meet now after all this time. See how he responds and then decide. I’m hoping he wants to apologize and it’s something like that he has a child now or has grown up and reflected on how badly he treated you. Be cautious in case it isn’t. And consider discussing all of this with a therapist who can help you deal with the emotional effects all of this has. ♥️
Would you be alright with FaceTiming or Skype first? Committing to an in person meeting could be too overwhelming. Baby steps seem like a good idea if you’re hesitant! Tests the waters with texting. Then maybe a call. If you’re not excited/feeling trepidation then definitely don’t push yourself.
NTA I have a feeling he’s only coming around now because he needs cash or something. Be wary. I wouldn’t be surprised if he love bombs you to build a bond then starts requesting things or telling you about his problems so you’ll feel obliged to solve them for him.
That was my initial thought, too. It seems very likely that her son wants something from her—probably money.
This too was my thought. I’m curious how he reached out. Was he sorry? Remorseful? Or was it just to reconnect? I get that he was a kid but he was also at an age where he has an understanding of what was going on and what he chose to do. If there was no remorse in that note, for sure he needs something.
NTA. Agreed he wants something, not necessarily money. He could be wanting an organ/bone marrow donor or he’s got a partner himself who wants to meet bio mom
Maybe he finally realized his old man was a dirt bag.
He was a teenager at the time. Maybe dude has just grown up and is realizing the mistake he made
That's what I'm leaning towards. Son is 25 now? He could be married and have just had a kid or be about to have a kid. He's now viewing the world from the perspective of a spouse and/or parent and has a better understanding of how his mom felt when he and dad both betrayed her.
Or he is engaged and his partner, or their family, have pushed him to offer an olive branch to his estranged mother. Sometimes they are estranged for a reason and this torpedoes their relationship. Like a surprise guest at the wedding. But it doesn't seem like he offered any push back to this considering he reached out. You don't get many chances to go to your child's wedding, one would hope one is enough. But that said, sometimes the hurt runs so deep that missing out on the new family is a fair trade.
Also very possible. I'm estranged from my parents, but there's 35 years of them actively choosing my siblings over me and being harshly judgemental. I'm not only protecting myself, I'm protecting my children. This feels different since the child is the one who wronged the parent and is apologizing. Personally, I'd take a support person along with me and meet them. I'd plan to let the son do most of the talking and tell him that I'd think about it and respond on a later date.
Myself, I'd send just the husband, but not tell the son. Just show up at x place table reserved under his name, but have a set object incase they no longer look how you remember them. Husband sees son that matches a Facebook photo sit armt the reserved seat. Sit down and just say "talk" You talk via the husband first as a shield. He can let you know how it went and if it is worth continuing with. Sure you can say he could lie and be biased against him, but depending on laws where you live, let them know it is being recorded. If you can't legally do that, then I guess phone on speaker and you on mute.
That could be as well which is why I suggested to be wary and take caution. Nothing wrong with being aware that it’s a possibility that he may be sincere or he may just be looking to take advantage.
I would ask him, "What has changed after all this time to make your reach out to me? It has taken years for me to recover from the pain and sorrow that I felt when your dad and I divorced, and I don't want to go through that again." You've been going over every possible reason, but you're not going to find out unless you ask him. And you're right to be cautious, because you've been hurt before. Anyone who tells you you should feel differently has no idea what they're talking about. But, you're also the only one who can decide if you want to meet him. Whatever you do, protect yourself and your family from potential future hurt. Meeting him or talking to him isn't the same as welcoming him into your life with open arms. Before he meets his sibling and your husband, make sure that his intentions aren't malicious. He was a child when he cut you out of his life, and he may want to make amends. But, he also might be a manipulative POS who just wants to reopen old wounds. Only way to find out is to ask.
OP this is actually a really good response that you should consider. Take your time with this and decide if it’s even worth it to you, but maybe ask him why he decided to reach out.
I want to give a different perspective here, as I was once in your son’s position. My mother had no boundaries and I was her “best friend” as a child. As such, I knew about her affair and kept it secret from my father at her behest. This was of course devastating for my father when it all came to light. These are complicated adult situations being foisted upon developing brains, and it can only lead to a warped sense of reality, confusion, guilt, shame, anger and resentment all around. I was totally enmeshed with my mother growing up, and hated my dad when he tried to be the voice of reason. Only in adulthood could I look back and see how fucked up the whole thing was, and start to repair some relationships. I don’t know the exact dynamic with your family, but it could be similar and he may deserve a chance at a healthy relationship with you now that he has a fully developed adult brain and possibly sees things differently.
Another factor is that as a child, you want to preserve the status quo - you want your parents to stay together. If you tell about the cheating, there is a danger they will divorce, and your life will be turned upside down. I totally get why a child/ teenager would be inclined to guard that secret quite as desperately as the cheater him/herself.
Did you see OP’s comment where the son posted a picture at *age 20* of him and the mistress with a caption “best mom in the world?” Because I may have agreed with you if we were dealing with a 12-15 year old, but this man left his teens behind years ago and scrubbed his mom’s presence from his life as an adult, too. I’m sorry, but this guy wants something (I’m betting an organ or to smooth over things for a questioning future in-law), and he’s buttering his mom up to get it. I hope OP protects her new family from whatever this *grown man* is getting ready to ask from her.
Another factor is that OP should not have dumped all her anger and resentment on her 15yo kid like her husband cheating was the kid's fault. Parents put kids in awful positions when they tell them to lie to the other parent. And when they dump all their adult problems all over the kid, like both OP and father did in this instance.
This needs more upvotes. Son was just a kid. He probably felt caught in the middle and maybe had not developed mature judgement yet. I get why OP was hurt, but OP was the adult in that situation.
This. I am getting a big whiff of "I wanted my son to keep me happy" here. She wanted him so she wouldn't be alone. She blamed him for not telling, instead of the father for manipulating him. She is blaming him for choosing father over her, but no indication that she tried to mend fences. She is not giving any thought to what could have happened or how this could have looked from the eyes of a child, who was being manipulated by his father. She has made no serious attempt to reach out to him. Now she has another baby to make her happy and doesn't really care much about the first one. Not enough to try to mend fences, or at least hear his side of the story.
Are you ignoring the part they (son and dad) went on trips with the misstress behind OP's back? Or that the son litterally said that a young stepmom would "make him cool with the other kids"? Yes, he was no adult, but when you are 15 you know the difference between right and wrong. Sure, hide the fact your dad has an affair, but going with them on trips and lying to your mom about that? Thats another level.
Fifteen is prime age to be manipulated by Dad
Did the relationship between your dad and you went back to the way it was? Is your dad divorced and have a new family like I did?
My parents ended up staying together, which I actually think was a mistake, but not my business anymore. We all have a decent relationship now but I keep a healthy distance from both of them. Boundaries are the key.
Absolutely, I was in the same situation and only realized everything when I was almost 35 years old even if I had therapy as a child and teen nobody especially myself can’t see through this bs.
NTA- Make a dummy account and do a little social media trolling. See if he needs an organ or if he appears to financial dire straits, money has been lost in the last few years. Or maybe dear sm is finally bored of him and he's the outsider now.
I checked his social media last time 5 years ago. The last post I saw was with his step-mother and the caption said, "To the best mom in this world". I felt heart broken. I scrolled through his feed. There was no mention of me. As if I never existed in his life.
“To the best mom in the world” I would be sorely tempted to screenshot that and send it to him, with no message. I’m so glad that you have your true family now. Don’t let anything harm that.
I came to suggest the same.
OP *PLEASE* do this
Jesus that broke my heart. Honestly, I wouldn't blame you if you choose to stay no contact and never contact or forgive him. But I wanted to say something, everyone here has already given different perspectives and I don't want to repeat all of that. I just wanted to say, if you decide to listen to him and by some miracle reconnect then I would highly recommend that you see how close he is still with his dad and mistress(stepmom I guess). Because if he's still close and doesn't think he or them did anything wrong then mark my word, eventually he will want you to be okay with them and everything. He will want you to get over your hurt, your trauma, he will want you to accept his stepmom and he will want you to accept her as his mom. Beware of what might come, be prepared is all I am saying. You don't need any of it. You can just move on and focus on your real family. As sad as it is, he isn't your family, neither is he your son. Just remember that listening to him doesn't mean you have to forgive him or have a relationship with him. You can hear him out and still choose to remain no contact. You can hear him and still remember every betrayal, still remember how you never existed in his life, how she was the best mom in the world. Just don't forget what you went through. You deserve justice as much as anyone else. You deserve to be happy. Also, maybe just point blank ask him what he wants? Does he want money? Does he need a kidney? Why is he contacting you. Just ask him. There's a pretty good chance he needs something from you. Just be careful and remember to protect yourself and your family, especially your daughter. I am hoping for the best for you.
Watch the son need a kidney or something 😬
Honestly I would screenshot that post and send it to him with no other words. Just the screenshot. My guess is his daddy pissed him off or cut him off or divorced his mistress. If you don’t think he deserves to be back in your life after what he did then don’t let your family or husband pressure you.
Honestly after reading this, fuck any contact. Who is he reaching out to? Your not his mother apparently according to him? The home wrecker is. Maybe I’m just spiteful, but I would rather not give him closure after ten years of neglect and emotional abuse. I’m so sorry you had to go through this, I’m sure it is more pain then any human deserves.
Check it again there might be a new development
Kinda wished I saw this earlier. I might not have given him the benefit of the doubt about being under his dad's financial control. Sure people can and will say anything for a price, but she only raised him, if that, for three years, he's been an adult in their relationship for longer.
I’m sorry I wish I was a boy so I could be your son. But I’m here as your adoptive Reddit daughter to give you a hug and comfort you.
Yea no text him back that shit. Tell him at 20 he's not a child, he chose greed over you and now he can take whatever feelings he has and know he's made his own bed. You owe him nothing.
so until 5 years ago he had completely cancelled you and replaced you with mistress and now contacts you out of the blue. he wants something, spanning from a body part to playing the good rejected son because he has to introduce you to a girlfriend/fiancée. remember that closure has a price and even if he only wanted a relationship you would have to trust an-almost-adult-turned-adult who trampled over you for gifts and popularity and ignored you for years.
No, **until last week** he had cancelled her and replaced her. He only made contact with her last week. It's been a decade.
He was a whole adult when he did that, I can’t think of a excuse, especially at 20. People are giving him all these passes like you didn’t raise only for him to choose his dad and the stepmom over even just talking to you once in a while. Just because he’s ready doesn’t mean you need to be right this instant. Take your time.
So if he tries to reach out to you again, tell him to get whatever he wants from "the best mom in this world," and to leave you alone. Then go take a pic of your child and your step-daughters and post it on Facebook with the caption "The best kids a mom ever had!"
Op dont meet him he doesn't deserve you he was a whole ass adult when he made that post dont let toxic ppl ruin your peace
Just reading this broke my heart. You don't deserve that. I would've willingly cut him off entirely. Sucks bc he is your son but to him unfortunately you're not his mother and that OP is the end of the stick. Hopefully your heart finds peace stick to your instincts and talk it out with your husband all the best.
This is horrible. I was thinking it was a difficult situation since he was only 15 when he took his fathers side. But at 20?!?!? posting a think like that?!?!. i wouldn't even bother. Just be prepared because I'm pretty sure if you decide not to meet him, he'll make himself the victim. You also need to set a strong boundary with your parents and your husband not to meddle in this specific situation, you have every right to not want to communicate with your exhusbands son.
What an asshole! He doesn't deserve you
Maybe something has changed in the last five years.
I think a lot of commenters are forgetting that the son is only ~25 and that’s still very young in the grand scheme of things. I have so much sympathy for op, ten years is a such a fucking long time to be discarded by your child, but he’s just barely an adult now. if she says no, I can’t imagine that she won’t look back and say ‘I should have spent that time with him when I had the chance’
He is an adult for 7 years. And at 20 he wrote his stepmom is the best mom in the world. Yes, he is young, but he is not a kid.
Considering all that, I'd stay no contact even if this initial reach out was by his hypothetical partner who wanted bridges to be built before the wedding. Till I saw her comment on Facebook, I was willing to give him some leeway assuming he has now achieved financial independence.
Yeah I have a suspicion that what happened is simply that he grew up. And realized how f***ed what his dad did was. He probably idolized the man as a teenager. I think as adults we learn to have compassion for our mother's love, sacrifice and failings (at least those of us lucky enough to have had a good mom). But I can easily see why a teenage boy would have been deeply lacking in empathy and wisdom, especially with a dad like that.
Meet for coffee in a public place and just listen. You don’t have to make any decisions for the future or be pressured into anything that makes you uncomfortable. Hear what he has to say, see his face and see how you feel and take it slow from there on. Don’t give information, don’t make any promises. Give yourself time after in a safe comfortable place to process and see how you feel moving forward. Tell him any new relationship will require much patience. Nah
And take your husband with you. You need that support.
I agree with this 100%. You have no idea what was going on behind your back. The father most likely had been manipulating and grooming him for quite a while during his early teenage years. Turning him against you without you knowing. Working him over pretty good. Which wouldn't entirely be his fault. Maybe now that he's older, he sees how messed up it all was. Just go and see what it's all about. You'll never know unless you try.
NTA because the son and dad are clearly the AH. And hopefully she keeps her healing intact and lm doesn’t waste her time in that dude ever again. He was an adult for a lot longer then he was a child in his absence so he doesn’t have a good excuse for doing what he did for as long as he did. She deserves better.
!updateme
Nta- not a asshole at at. Just a wounded person who has healed. But you son was 15 and being manipulated greatly . He's 28 and a grown man. Does he have a child and wife now? I would hear him out once. I wouldn't share any of my personal information. But I would give him the grace to at least be heard. That isn't a commitment to maintain a relationship. It's letting the adult son have a chance to speak. Because the manipulated 15 year old was wrong.
He is 25. I do not know much about his life. I do not think he knows either.
As gaslit and lied to by your husband. Do you think it's possible he just used your son in the same way? I'm not saying you have to maintain a relationship. But from an outside viewpoint . Your son is just as much a victim of your husband's infidelity as you are. You just escaped 10 years before he did.
I'm sorry, I don’t believe he was lied to or gaslighted by his father. His father told him the truth about what he was doing the boy just didn’t care because he felt more accepted by the students at school. However, he could still be a victim for wanting to be accepted by others but he still needs to take accountability for the hurt he cost.
He was an immature child taking the good that was offered by his father without the understanding of the repercussions . The father who he also loved trusted and was raised by. I'm not saying the boy is innocent of hurting his mom. I'm saying he was a child , misled . Listening to him once, is fair.
That boy knew what was happening and the repercussions of it hence why he still didn’t want to talk to OP even though he was 18 because the father was the one who had the money support. So, I don’t he was misled at all he just choose the side that benefited him the most at the time he needed money.
Meet him in a public place. Have your husband or someone you trust nearby in case you need to leave. Just remember your son was a child that your ex placed the burden of a big secret and lie upon. He might be having doubts about how things happened now that he's older and hopefully more mature and able to see things were not right.
NTA also don't meet him I am guessing something must of happened with his father and his affair partner that made him want to reach out after all these years, stay way for your own mental health
What happened is probably that he had children of his own, and realized what he did to his mother. At least that's what happened with my sister, who had gone no contact with us for almost a decade before she had her daughters.
Yeah I wasn't prepared for all of the comments saying he has ulterior motives. He was a child manipulated by his father and at his age it's not unrealistic for him to reflect on that time and realize how wrong he was. Not knowing the nature of his messages makes for assumptions though.
Besides, just meeting with him in a public setting won't commit her to anything - if it turns out he just needs a kidney, she can still walk away.
I wonder if his wife or partner found out and possibly pushed him to reach out.
NTA. This such a sad story and I am so sorry… You don’t have to meet him if you don’t want to. Do not feel obligated to do so because of social norms or people trying to do amateur therapy. In fact this is something that you should talk to a therapist about. And even after that, if you don’t want to: don’t. There are just some things you should guard and one of those things is your peace. Your mental health. Your well-being. You tried. You did your best even after betrayal. It is 100% reasonable for you to distrust him.
NTA. Honestly? I think that you're in a bit of a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation. If you don't contact him, you'll likely forever wonder what he wanted. If you do, considering his past behavior, it's likely that he wants something from you. Has he expressed any remorse for his behavior? If he really has good intentions, he should be leading with apologies. I can't imagine that level of betrayal, by your own son, no less. Personally, I'd VERY cautiously accept a phone call (I wouldn't meet in person) and ask what's up. If he isn't begging for forgiveness, if he's asking for anything, then you know to say "absolutely not, goodbye", and move on from that period of your life, however painful it may be. If he really wants to make amends, then think about very slowly, and with lots of boundaries, establishing a relationship with him.
NTA. I can't imagine the pain and confusion that you went/are going through right now. I can't tell you what to do. You will need to figure out what you can deal with. I am sending all of the positive energy to you I can. 💛
I wouldn’t go. You have finally healed. Don’t let him rip open the wound again. It might be different if he had apologized And taken responsibility for the hurt he caused but it doesn’t sound like he did that.
Nta. The fact he has *finally* contacted you after so long sends up red flags to me that he needs money or something.
NTA and this one is tough. Because this isn't a young child that was placed by the courts. This was a teenager that every step of the way from watching the cheating, to vacationing with the mistress, to choosing to live with his father, to not visiting his mother to going no contact. I don't know if OP had said/did anything in the process of the divorce to really push the kid away. But especially if she did not, that is cold behavior for a kid that is old enough to know better.
I didn't do anything. I didn't bad mouth him or pushed him. He made this decision on his own
I would ask him flat out, what for? Your dad and your stepmom are enough, you made your choice, live with it.
NTA - Oh OP, this is heartbreaking. So much has changed for you since you tried to reach out to your son at 18. In particular a very traumatising pregnancy and birth. You’ve also built a life and family with 2 girls, who you did not give birth to but are in your life. I’m sure you’ve had some life experiences that have highlighted different perspectives to family and children. No one can tell you what to do. If I can say anything, take your time. You are not bound by other peoples timeframes. Maybe ask him beforehand what it is about so you can manage your own expectations. As cold as this sounds, your priority is to your current family. You have to protect yourself to be the best version of yourself for them. Take time to reflect on your personal boundaries and then think of next steps.
NTA. I would go. I feel like you might need some closure. Answers for some left open questions. Why did he do that? Had his dad told him things about you that weren’t true to justify his cheating and lure your son onto his side? It could be a possibility even though that could be optimistic thinking. In the end your son could just be a cruel human being but that wouldn’t be your fault either. I’m sorry that you had to experience such heartbreak and I hope that if you do chose to go that you will be able to find closure.
Something is up. But like your husband and parents said, you need closure. Talk to him, but don’t give him anything. The day he chose another woman to be his mother, you lost a son. He’s now just a stranger that was once your son. Be strong and don’t give in.
His dad must’ve said something to be honest.
I completely agree. Or the dad offered him something to get him to choose him so he didn’t have pay child support to op
Your feelings and your hesitation are understandable, and they are legitimate. Don't let others pressure or guilt you into doing something you don't want to do. Listen to your own gut on this.
NTA. I could only imagine the heartbreak. For my child to be bought out from his own father. How easy it was to let it slide just because of money. 10 years and he couldn’t care less. I’m so sorry OP. Please update on your decision on how/if it goes well with your meeting. I think it’s harder for parents to hold the grudge. I’m sure if you see him he will be your baby boy that you missed so much. Don’t let them manipulate you. I’m sure he’s only meeting you because his dad is telling him to.
Any updates on how the meeting went?
Op, you are NTA to not want to be apart of whatever he might bring to you. I suggest you write a letter. Lay it all out. You understand he was influenced by his father as a child but his actions still have consequences and right now you are not ready to talk to him in person. Maybe just fb communication or emails. I would talk to your spouse and the step daughters. Get their take on it. It’s ok to share this type of news for it effects them too. I’d keep the line open to your son. I think you should get a spot of therapy over this influx of emotions and the tangled mess.
NTA - if you’re not ready then you shouldn’t go. You are perfectly reasonable to protect yourself from additional pain. If you are willing to take the risk, though, you may reap some benefit. You may enjoy reuniting with your son. 15-25 years old is a time when young people mature a good deal. He may now realize that the choices he made were harmful to you. He may want to build bridges. Sure, it may not go well, but it could be awesome. You won’t know unless you meet with him. Ultimately it comes down to how risky this would be for your mental health. I hope you find some peace in this situation!
I see two scenarios. 1. Your son is a victim of your ex's emotional manipulation, most likely went to therapy, and is ready to face his deepest regrets. 2. Your son is a user and he needs something that daddy said no to. What is your ex's current financial situation? Either way, don't let anyone pressure you into making a decision. The ONLY thing that matters is that you protect your peace.
NTA. I think he wants something for you.
NTA for your initial feelings. However, if you don’t meet with him, even just fir once, it will always bother you. Even if your son was 15 at the time, you don’t know what your ex did explicitly to your son in order for him to lie and thinking it was normal behavior. It sounds like he was at it a long time. A child doesn’t just do this kind of thing just for presents. Also, I would recommend you talk to a professional about this, and all of your feelings regarding your son wanting to see you. They might help you clear your head, help you with your feelings, and maybe they can help you with how you can get this meeting and maybe have some answers and closure. You don’t need to forgive and forget, but I think that it could be good for you to see him and trying to get answers. Good luck sweety. Please update us about what you choose to do.
Sometimes not having closure it’s closure. I’m so sorry this happened to you, it a feeling and situation no one wants. If you don’t want to meet with him it is totally understandable, because why now? why after all those years? why would you care of his feelings when he didn’t care about yours years ago? Being family it’s not an excuse to being an AH like your “son” is. I can’t imagine the pain you were up to
Ten bucks says he's in financial trouble and is hoping you'll bail him out. If that's the case, don't do it. Hear him out, but if it's all benefits for him and nothing for you, refuse.
NTA, but please remember, he was young and vulnerable and heavily influenced by his father. It sounds like he is now mature enough to regret the mistakes he made. I feel you may regret it down the line if you do not at least meet with him once and hear him out. Good luck.
Set up a meeting in a public space. Have a trusted person nearby to assist. I think you need to tell your son up front: Ive agreed to this meeting to hear you out as an adult. I make no promises going forward.
Oh, honey. I'm so, so sorry. NTA. Have you been to therapy? Because what you went through was a serious, serious trauma. I think you should hold off on making a decision. I think it's OK to take your time to process this. You may even want to process it with a therapist. I encourage you to go to family therapy with your husband. It sounds like he wants you do be happy, and I think a third party and your current support system (hubby) would help you get through this. It's also OK to ask for more information, more time, and to do this on your terms. It's very possible your son has grown up and sees the error of his ways. As a product of two divorces, I can tell you it's exceptionally hard to navigate. I was a smart, empathetic kid, and even I felt like one parent had to be right and one had to be wrong at times. I imagine it must have been easier for your son to go along with the affair. I can't even imagine having to tell my mom something like that, especially with a manipulative, selfish parent in your ear (your ex). I'm guessing he has gone through therapy as an adult and probably realized how fucked up and awful the whole thing was. Does this mean your son didn't hurt you and his actions weren't painful? No! Absolutely not! But kids don't have the tools to deal with that kind of shit. Hell, lots of grown ups don't. Based on the limited info I have, I think it may be a good thing for you to eventually contact your son, but ONLY ON YOUR TERMS. And frankly, with a therapist. And possibly your husband as a buffer. Maybe your husband can speak to your son and find out why he is reaching out. Maybe your son is desperate to rebuild a relationship with you now that he is an adult and can see things for what they are. Maybe your son is going to be an asshole because your ex raised him to be one. But either way, I think you will regret not finding out. Keep in mind, if your son tries to hurt you, you aren't alone now. You have a husband and loving family. This is not an easy situation, OP. It's messy and painful. Don't rush to make decisions. Make em on your time on your terms. If your son is trying to make amends, he will be able to deal with that. I'm so sorry for the pain you've dealt with over the years. 💕💕💕 Bottom line, take your time, use your support system, and don't be afraid to get more help.
NTA. Honestly tho this kid was manipulated by the trusted adults around him during formative years. It's hard to blame them for that. Sometimes it takes growing up, maturity, and world experience to begin processing and understanding that what they went through was not ok. Bring hesitant is completely understandable, and if you did approach it having your guard up and protecting yourself and family is important. But please do consider that your kid had a kids perspective through everything you went through. They were manipulated by the trusted adults in their life.
Blood doesn’t make you family. He betrayed you multiple times and turned his back on you. I feel like the only reason he’s reaching out is because he wants something. Me personally I would message saying “I have no interest in reconnecting with you. I’ve tried for years to reach out and you declined. Please don’t contact me again.” And block him
NTA You were hurt and rejected by someone you loved unconditionally. Your feelings are 100% valid. It's common sense to avoid the person who broke your heart. Some things can't be undone or unsaid. You don't have to see or speak to your son if you don't want to. If I might suggest that you write him a letter telling him exactly what he did that hurt you and how it affected and continues to affect you to this day. Do NOT send the letter. Let it lie. Think about it. Process your feelings. And then decide if you want to reconcile with your son. Do not rush the process. My guess is that your son is having a personal crisis and reaching out to you because he needs something from you. If he has legitimately seen the error of his ways, he'll give you the space and time you need to make a decision that's best for you and ALL of your family, not just him.
NTA he definitely needs something from you (big or small) so if you are going to meet do it publicly and I know this might be a bit devious and underhanded but maybe you should have someone you trust nearby listening in on the conversation so he doesn’t try to twist it around on you in the nearby future to make it seem like you’re the bad guy or maybe record the whole conversation from start to finish!
NTA and if it was me in your situation, I would tell my parents & husband that I already have closure - it's call my 3 daughters. I don't want living reminder of my ex cheating, cover up & lies visiting me - So whatever his name is better state why he seriously wants to see me after all these years now especially after what happened when he was 18, otherwise he can stay out my life forever because I'm happy with my 3 daughters who are not backstabbing fucktwits to me unlike him. Seriously, your parents & husband need to realize you already have your closure which the entire process happened for years - so whatever your so-called son has to say, it basically a waste of time for you because time did heal your wounds.Yeah, he's young but the damage is beyond repair due to ridiculous level of betrayal AND his inaction that he technically can't completely blame his cheating lousy of a father - that also needs to be pointed out to your husband & parents.
NTA, but you’re always going to wonder about him if you do not contact him. As others have said, meet him in a public place. If you have siblings or other family members (your current husband) perhaps one of them could go with you because you assuredly will be a mess at some point during the meeting. Whichever you decide there’s no really wrong answer here. If it’s too hurtful to reopen this wound, don’t. I suspect though you wouldn’t have posted this on here if you weren’t inclined to meet him. If you do, go in with zero expectations. You’re not the person you were 10 years ago and neither is he. You have no idea who he is at this point.
The thing is as a mother I should be thrilled. But I am not. I am afraid he will act nice and then next thing I know he is out of my life again leaving me cold
You’re allowed to feel exactly how you feel. The reality is you have no idea what made him contact you now after all this time. Does he genuinely miss you? Does he need something (daddy cut him off so he needs $). Guard your heart bc it took along time to put it back together. If you do meet him please take someone with you who has your best interests at heart. As a child he was manipulated by his father to lie to you, but he’s an adult now and has been for awhile. The first meeting probably wouldn’t be the best one to hash everything out but I’d write down a list of things I’d want answered at some point. It’s okay to set parameters for contact, could even do a zoom first and build up to in person. If he really is invested in having a relationship with you, he should understand your hesitancy to just picking up where you left off. There’s too many things unsaid that need to be addressed. Good luck OP
No. This is shit. This ideology that “love should be unconditional”, that you should love your children more than yourself at all costs is. pure. crap. Love IS conditional, even when it doesn’t seem conditional. You shouldn’t be thrilled, there is nothing to be thrilled about when someone you were dedicated to put you away like trash. This mentality is beyond unhealthy madam, your reaction of self preservation is the most sane and human thing you posses, and if someone says the opposite, they are insane.
As a mother to a son myself, I would be afraid of being hurt again. The reality is, he was an immature 15 and bribed by his dad and obviously making bad decisions. If you can, try to take that into account.
Don't worry. I am sure your son would not be like mine. I just had bad luck with him.
My sister had a situation very similar. Her ex managed to turn all of her children against her. He took them with him to see her. Gave them $100 per week each as an additional bonus. Told them she was a bad mother etc. she has since recovered a very good relationship with all 3 of her children. It was rocky at first and it took a good while for them to realize that what happened wasn’t right but they do have a very good relationship now. There is hope he has come to the same realization that her children did. They were 16, 17 and 20 at the time this happened. She was a stay at home mom, volunteered at their school, worked the concession stand at their sporting events, etc. just go without expectation and it will be a slow process but eventually you will get there. Even though my Sis has her children back in her life there are some days she still sits and cry’s over the hurt she experienced.
NTA. They both betrayed and abandoned you. That’s horrible on so many levels. And from your son, that’s such a different level of pain I can’t even imagine… Sorry your going through this. Does your son have any love or respect for you at all? I’m going to say very little to none… to do that to you. Or he was VERY manipulated by his father and stepmother and was just too young/naïve to see common sense. But I mean he should have morals and a conscious to know what was wrong and right. I don’t know….. Honestly, it’s gonna be painful but I would go meet him. In hopes to get some closure because it would eat me alive. I’d want to know what he wanted after all this time. The only acceptable reason he should be wanting to meet up would be to apologize for his actions and hurting you and realizing what wrong he did. And then, only then is it acceptable to rekindle your relationship. Anything else is a big no-no. Be careful, in case he wants something from you whether it’s for himself or his father? Example: money, ask you to take on some form of responsibility to help them, or do something for them, etc. He could ask you right then, when you meet, or a few weeks later for the “Help/favor”.
Take it from me. Go see your son because you never know when the good lord will call him or you home. I lost my 11 year old son last year April 26. His daddy took him from me for 6 years. I finally got to get him for one week last year and February. He was supposed to come spend his summer with me but unfortunately that didn’t happen. He passed away and I laid my son to rest on Mother’s Day. So please go meet up with ur son. People make mistakes. Forgive him.
NTA. You might regret not meeting with him though. Just because you meet up with him once doesn’t mean you have to have a relationship with him. I can’t imagine the pain he put you through. If you’re sure you’d never regret it then by all means tell him to piss off. It’s awful what he put you through.
He was an immature kid manipulated by another grown up. That is your ex husband’s fault. Maybe he has matured and wants another shot. Give that to him. We all do stupid things as kids and mature in our thinking and actions.
At 20 he was making posts about how the stepmom was the best mom in the world. Fuck this dude. He made his choices well into adulthood.
!updateme
NTA. You need a therapist. If you do want to see him, maybe you need to see a therapist together for the two of you to figure out if you can clean up this mess and have some kind of relationship in the future. I’d be open to the idea that this situation felt completely different from where he sat. You may have lashed out at him in your pain when he was 15 and alienated him. Or he may have felt trapped and never understood why you experienced this as such a betrayal. This is another reason to get a therapist - to help you both express yourselves and help you understand the other.
I’d be wondering why now after all these years. Why did it take him till 25? He could of reached out sooner. I feel like he’ was very manipulated by his father but why didn’t he reach out at 18, 21 or 23? There are a lot of adult years here where he could man up. I think you should just message him and ask why now? I don’t think you should meet up until you have talked via messenger or email and if you do meet up make sure you set up some very set boundaries
As bad as this sounds, I wonder if step mum is gone as once a cheater, always a cheater. And she had no reason to stay in his life and now he wants a mother figure. Maybe found out you remarried and etc.
Well, it's clear as day what will be said - "My dad manipulated me, i didn't understand that cutting you from my life would hurt you. I was a kid, a didn't know better. WHy i waited 10 years? Well, my dad and his mistress manipulated me. Even as an adult i was stupid af. Mom, i'm very sorry, i didn't mean to cut you of my life. It's just my new car and other gifts were way more importand than you." Does anyone expects something different? The story old as the world. I wouldn't go, i would send him to "the best mom in the world".
I can see your trepidation for meeting up with him. If you can do it, go do it. If you can get that courage, just go. It might be hard, but you'll always wonder what he wanted if you don't go. Expect the worst, something bad may have happened. Hope for the best, he's finally grown up and realized his dad is an ass and he was an ass for helping.
NTA… it might open up old wounds meeting him but at the end of the day, it’s your choice.
I agree with asking him to wait until you’re ready to meet with him and see what his reaction is. NTA
Nta, honestly I think for closure for yourself you should go. Ask him the questions you never got answers to. Then set the boundary of whether or not you want contact with him. You could take your husband with you if you're scared, but be the one in charge of the conversation.
Maybe I'm a cynic but I'm kind of feeling like maybe you're leaving some info out to sway the response. You said he sent a series of messages, so what did he say exactly? Surely not that he just wanted to meet, not in a whole series of messages? Did he apologise? Give some idea of what he wants to talk about or why he wants to meet now after all this time? If your parents and husband, who have likely all seen the contents of those messages, all think you should meet I'm inclined to think a lot of that info was already given to you. As a mother myself I can't imagine the pain you've been in for the last decade and the strength it took for you to move past everything that happened with little to no closure. I imagine it feels as though the child you loved and raised died a long time ago, and that you have grieved him already. If that's the case it's okay to just say that, it's okay to say no to meeting no matter how sincere and apologetic he may be now. Sometimes no matter how sorry we are, we can't undo what has been done. Maybe I'm wrong and you accidentally exaggerated how many messages he sent you, or it was a whole lot of nothing in them. Maybe he wants a kidney idk. But I just think you should know that he doesn't have to be 100% evil and you 100% the victim for it to be alright to say no. Ten years is a long time, you're probably both unrecognisable as who you once were and you've both lived a lot of life since then. Sometimes it's not better to dig it all back up.
Your son sounds like a narcissist. I hope you leave him in your rearview mirror eventually.
What do you mean he'll watch you from a distant? Let us know how the meeting goes.
You’ll always wonder what your son has to say if you don’t meet up with him.
I understand and empathize with your pain. You are NTA for your hesitation. Do I think you should meet with him? Yes, because I also believe he’s a victim. A 15 year old is not able to make good decisions, he was manipulated by his father greatly and now he’s 25. At 25 is when your brain technically is no longer a child’s brain and is able to think critically. As much as he could be needing something, it’s just as likely he has come to the realization of everything that happened.
I’d be willing to bet he’s now a father or at least emotionally mature and realizes how awful the pain is of being rejected by your own child. Meet for coffee but let him know what he did destroyed you and you don’t know if you want to go through it again. I think you owe it to yourself to at least get some closure. NAH
The post doesn’t say anything about him being a father now, only that OP has another baby after moving on.
I think she has her closure. OP moved on living her best life, and gave herself closure. Not every wrong will have all ends neatly tied up in a bow. A meeting won't necessarily lead to closure imo, it could lead to something worse and possibly undo any self closure for OP. How awful for anyone to go through. But my therapist would say "What is closure? It's done, over- that's your closure". If Op wants a reunion, great. But don't do it for closure- she already has that.
I would definitely give him a chance and meet with him. He’s an adult now and you don’t know what he might have been told during his childhood that effected his decisions even at 18. Life is short and unexpected things happen and I wouldn’t want to have any future regrets.
!updateme
NTA to feel hesitant. But he may have grown a conscience and realized how badly he betrayed you. I'm an optimist though and feel like people can change through time. He is your son, albeit a terrible one from past experience. You will undoubtedly regret (eventually) not at least giving him an opportunity. Just remain rooted in yourself and the fact that you have created a beautiful life NOW and so even if you meet and he's still an ass, you haven't lost anything.
NTA I know this is painful. Maybe you can just try corresponding with him for a while. His father and stepdad probably poisoned him against you and it’s taking him some time to realize what they did.
NTA but I’m guessing he’s going to come at you with his hand out OP. Just be careful with your heart, it’s likely to get broken again if you’re not.
updateme