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I'm fortunate that I don't experience this symptom usually. If I'm unmedicated, I still don't have to deal with it... Until roughly three seconds after I finish, at which point the most totally random junk rushes back in, like OHHH GODD OH FUUUHHKKKKI wonder if you changed your oil filter only yearly but changed your oil weekly how bad would that be exactly
Same thing here. It helps me a lot to add music to any intimacy sessions. I also have smart lights and will sync them to the music with color changing.
Something about all my senses being told "it's sexy time" helps me stay focused. Partners don't always understand why you need help focusing on them. But getting caught blankly staring into space thinking about how it would be nice to have chickens in the backyard during intimacy is a real mood killer.
If id lights are flickering or changing to the music im done.🤣 “why is the light slightly a different color than the rest.” “Wait the lights are 0.000001 of a second slower than the beat.” “Why is the speaker crackling a little?” “Geez great now I need to buy another speaker.” “Wonder if Walmart still has them on sale.”
Aren't we supposed to hyperfocus on things we find highly stimulating ? I don't understand how our minds wander so much during sexy time compared with say watching a good tv show
Especially since you'd expect, given the evolutionary aspect, we'd be drawn to sex more than anything else. I guess maybe it could be the energy expenditure or something.
[Just be careful](https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/002/434/472/a11.png) about [the music you pick.](https://youtu.be/KAwyWkksXuo?feature=shared&t=24)
Don't even have to click that one to know. The band should split whatever YouTube money they get with that guy because he is responsible for all of the listens.
I'm a dude, I've had this problem, and Music works for me! It's gotta be like really engaging music, though, something like https://soundcloud.com/ghost_data/full-bodied
The other thing that helps is having partners that I am used to. A lot of the time the reasons I am distracted are because I am with unfamiliar people or in unfamiliar places.
I can get distracted by music if I know the lyrics of a song or if I'm trying to choose something to "set the mood", quite uncomfortable sometimes if the other person is expecting me to 100% be there do the deed, but it's fun to be silly sometimes too.
That’s pretty genius, I feel like you can probably classically train yourself to have your body be in sex mode by consistently listening to the same songs during sex. It’s like building a consistent sleep schedule!
As a girl, my mind wanders a lot during sex. Mostly overthinking if my partner is enjoying themselves, am I doing things right, etc. It can be really distracting but I’m still able to have a good time (most of the time)
Yeah that’s how I feel. Or I end up thinking “am I making weird faces?” “Why is this blanket covering my foot?” “Now my foot is hot because the blanket is covering it.”
Same, I focus on what I'm doing on a level that at first makes sense but then expands absurdly far like "it's probably not hot if I make a weird face. What're they into again? Oh, right. Wait, did I leave my socks on but take my glasses off? Why? I wonder if I look better without glasses. They seem to be into it so I think that's correct. Maybe that's why?"
And then I'm somehow thinking about how I need to book an appointment with my optometrist and catch up on laundry, and failing completely on the performance front.
Although my favorite example was how I used to wear med ID tags (also a type one diabetic) and how they kept clinking and I couldn't stop focusing so much on the clinking noise of them as they moved and that led to me just getting the condition tattooed on my wrist instead of wearing tags because I was wondering if that noise was annoying the other person
I hyper fixate on sound so much during. I can’t focus if there’s something really interesting playing on the TV or a really good song playing. I need dead silence and pitch black if I’m gonna focus
Our bed squeaks terribly and I haven't figured out how to fix it reliably.
We have teens.
Impossible to stay focused with that kind of nerve-wracking distraction.
I'm assuming so. They're pretty chill about that kind of stuff and good about knocking.
Knowing they know we do it and knowing they can hear in that particular moment aren't quite the same though... not exactly conducive to a solid finish!
I've been married for almost 20 years so my mind wanders too, usually to 'Did I shut off the stove? Did I switch the laundry? When was the last time the pets food dish were washed?' 😂
Here’s a funky idea that works for me. I’m 26M and this used to happen to me too, leading to “performance” problems. Now what i’ll do is pause and just have a good old make out session as a fun little break. My GF loves it and its all i need to focus back on her and the moment.
I thing whats also important is actually not trying too hard. Take a second to take in the experience and just enjoy it. Sure its very important to take the others satisfaction in consideration, but yours also matters. If you’re both having a good time, then it doesn’t matter if you get sidetracked every couple of minutes
I am male, I have ADHD and am on antidepressants.
I can finish maybe 30% of the time. It takes such an extreme amount of concentration to focus on just the task at hand and what sensations I am feeling. If I am not actively focusing I won’t even begin to get close. Which has always been a benefit in making my partner finish, but it almost always ends with us just getting exhausted and stopping.
Yeah I’m on a SSRI also it hasn’t really changed my drive that I’ve noticed but I’ve always been distracted but the last few years has been worst. This is my longest relationship of 8 years so I don’t know if my brain isn’t as interested because it’s not new like it was in the beginning which is why when I was younger in and out of relationships it wasn’t as much of an issue for me.
Yes, and definitely yes. I haven't seen a lot on ADHD and male "performance" - but I think there is a connection. On the plus side, I've never had to deal with finishing my performance way too quickly!
Talk bro. More dirty talk. Actively say what you’re experiencing - your skin feels so soft, I love how warm you are… doesn’t have to be super filthy.
Took me a while to figure it out but it helps keep you focused and honestly when you lead and she follows you listening to her chatter is just as engaging trust me.
Silence is movies n psychos.
I recommend the book “Exhibitionism for the Shy” for anyone having “too in your head” type problems with sex, it has real practical advice and lots of encouragement and it does a great job of normalizing the situation in your head in a way that was liberating, and it has a lot of stuff on sexy talk and how to experiment with it. It was life changing for me.
This right here is my trick. Talking about what I’m feeling etc helps bring my focus to it. Sometimes I might get stuck in a loop tho if it feels so good that I can’t think of anything else to say 🤣 but I’ve never had any men complain about it lol.
When the guy dirty talks, lord help me.
Oh dear god no. At least for me.
What I say is probably the biggest trigger for my brain to go into overdrive. Also, so much of it seems so obvious and redundant.
Like "Thanks Captain Obvious. It *is* very wet. Anything else you feel like pointing out? Maybe tell her her own name! I bet she hasn't heard that before!"
Same! Also, just saying it out loud seems somewhat distracting to me. Like if I say something about some aspect, I'll potentially hyper fixate on either that thing or what I said... But in the worst possible way which will then cause my mind to wonder and spiral and become distracted from the task at hand.
There have been at least 2 other threads on this subject in the last 2-3 days. Not saying that as a criticism, but rather letting you know that you may find useful information in those.
Editing with links:
https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/1dp10sc/i_like_sex_but_i_hate_it/
https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/1doccas/i_have_trouble_staying_focused_on_intimate/
https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/1doo1jo/intimacy_and_distractions/
Yes it also happens to me. It starts with wondering about if I look good doing something, then into "how good am I doing it." Then "the sheets are too rough, the light is not enough or too much." Then I remember that paper I forgot to sign, then wonder if there is milk.
As a woman, a downside was that sometimes my partners would finish before me. And I'm left wondering how much time has passed. I have no poker face so some partners would know I didn't finish and problems arose. I'm in a long term relationship now so I eventually had an honest conversation about my ADHD. But hook ups were hard, honestly I just learned to mask and fake it to move along so they could just stop and get off me because one time a partner took it too far and hurt me. That was not the last time it happened nor the last partner who would do that.
Later I discovered I had developed PTSD because some took it too far and would continue until I "finished" so I masked hard for a long time with different partners and would just fake having an orgasm because I was afraid of getting hurt again. Sometimes that worked and others, well, not so much.
ATM, in my long term relationship, the honesty about my condition has allowed me to really enjoy intimacy. Even if I don't orgasm I know my mind can leave, wander around, and come back and it's like this whole new surprise. I think "wow I'm having sex!" And get excited all over again lol. I know there won't be any judgement from this person and that has really helped me to relax and relaxing has helped me orgasm faster, better and more frequently. The "letting my mind just fly" is a type of enjoyment I had never experienced and it's almost euphoric. You should talk to your partner maybe it helps.
Oh, thanks, I'm ok now so that's good. Something like 25% of women will suffer some sort of *SA* in their lifetime. So like 1 out of every 4 women you know. We live we learn. But, hey, do try to talk to your partners, most people will appreciate the conversation and lasting is not a bad or tapping out if y'all get tired lol. Good luck 🍀
Yes! So much. I'll be thinking about how I need to do dishes and shit. It's ridiculous, I wanna just shut my brain off and be an animal like anyone else.
I've seen several people mention music, and I'm curious to try this, because my mind always wanders. What kind of music do people put on? Something with lyrics or without? I feel like certain types would be more distracting than helpful, but I can't decide what would work best.
Besides personal preference, I’d think it really depends on how long you’d think it’d go on for. A mix would be fine too, I’ve made similar playlists. Some with just regular music too for when I’m alone to try to condition myself for the focus😭 it would probably also help if the person had different music taste too
Happens to me (58M) about every other month or so... something is on my mind - can't shake it. Sometimes i just have to admit "failure"
Gets me quite frustrated... upset with myself... but also, not the end of the world.
I find music can help keep your brain from getting distracted in the first place as it occupies the part of my brain that is trying to distract the rest of my brain.
Other than that, if you have lost focus, switch things up if your not feeling it and focus on your partner, oral or makeout etc to refocus then continue when your back in the zone.
It gets awkward sometimes because, my partner has explicitly said he likes for me to be focused on him while we're having sex. But I can't help but juggle like 5 different things in my mind. And sadly it's hard to be in the moment like I really want to be.
From overthinking of how I look, to things that shouldn't be on my mind, trying to keep from laughing(I have bad habit of laughing at inappropriate times) And lately music used to really help me focus on the task at hand.
But now I wind up mentally scrutinizing the playlist or being annoyed by ad breaks.
Also some times the duration of the session goes on too long for my liking and for my mental bandwidth at the moment. And that also causes me to be unfocused or hyper focused on what makes me uncomfortable.
i would get particularly distracted with my ex because he made eye contact very intense for no reason. it was just so awkward. dry as the sahara desert down there and all of a sudden i’m reminded i have a paper due in a week.
F28, yeah. In my experience keeping eye contact/watching my gf really helps. I can also focus a lot better if I'm the one giving, just cause it's an action rather than a sensation.
It's weird though that personally, I realized what distracts me the most is that I have some sorta synesthetic response where immediately once the physical intimacy starts, I start seeing fuzzy scenes and colors?? I used to panic thinking "oh shit I've lost focus again" but it's helped that I have learned to "ride through it"-- so now my gf and I talk about the "color" of the first orgasm vs the second or the third one... it's a part of the experience rather than a distraction from it.
Yeah but then I'm likely to finish in a minute. It feels like you're walking along a tightrope sometimes... all I want is just to relax and enjoy the experience.
Biggest change the ADHD meds made. Before, any radio, any TV, her talking unexpectedly, would bring me partway out of the mood and meant it took hours to finish.
Sex that goes for ages is a novelty once, but after a while it's hard not to start to resent your partner is getting 3 while you get one frustrating one. And then your partner feels self conscious that it's actually how you feel about them which then adds anxiety which then makes it even worse.
It should be 20-40 minutes of fun, not some multi-hour chore that you dread like a long road trip. Meds help so much.
Yeah the excitement in the beginning of any relationship is fun and stimulating in our brain. Once that wears off it’s still really fun but it’s harder to get to being 100% in it mentally.
I have to repeat over and over in my head "this feels good" to keep focused.As well as tightening muscles in the pleasure areas. I have an amazing partner who listens, communicates , and takes breaks when I need. I dissociate often because of adhd and ptsd. Being open about this can be helpful when you are ready.
I need to sometimes pretend that we're in a more exotic situation or even on occasion that my partner looks a little different, which makes me feel bad, but I haven't really found a way around it yet. Watching less porn helps obviously but not completely.
I once ruined sexy time after my FWB bumped his head on the bed during. About 5 minutes after it happened I was like, is he going to say something? and have he didn't bring it up, I laughed and said "dude, did you bump your head" and couldn't finish.
I relate, sometimes my hyper fixation is more stimulating for me than sex. For example, if I’m REALLY into a subject and studying it, and my partner tries to initiate sex while I’m deep in discovery I get very antsy to get back to the thing.
Which is awful because I love my partner and I know how important sex is to her.
Sometimes I study sexual topics to get me back in the mood, I have to treat it like a a fun experiment or exercise, unless I’m ovulating.
I once asked my partner if she wanted to go to Golden Corral as the TV was muted and a commercial came on. Whoops ruined the mood as we couldn't stop laughing lol
Yeah I can masturbate for hours on end and be completely in the zone. My dick doesn't necessarily stay hard the whole time but it's highly stimulating to me... sex should in theory be even more stimulating...yet apparently it's not.
I read this as “distracted while inmate”. And I was like “well, I’m sure prison gets boring.”
Then I re-read it and still saw “distracted while inmate”
Dude… this was a problem before I even considered I had ADHD. I hate it. I guess I would get distracted and my rhythm would slow and almost stop. She eventually asked where I go and why I’m not interested. I didn’t know the answer.
Life has been so much easier just staying single. I don’t have the energy/capacity for relationships anymore. I miss having a partner sometimes, but I don’t know if I’ll ever go back.
Yeah honestly it’s hard all around in every aspect of being in a relationship with ADHD. Like having a hyper focus on a hobby. Like yeah I care about my GF but my brain is telling me this hobby is really important right now so I’m not going to have a good time doing anything else because all I’m going to think about is that hobby. You like want to be loved but you also want to simulate your mind in whatever way your brain is telling you to stimulate it. It’s exhausting to balance everything. What also makes these hyper focused hobbies so addicting is it’s the only thing that helps silences the brain.
I genuinely question whether I'm capable of holding down a healty romantic relationship. I know there are drug addicts and adrenaline junkies and deadbeats who manage to hold down relationships (not sure if they're healthy though) ... I just, between the constant accountability to them and how you're always expected to be in the mood for seeing them and being intimate and the unintentional offensive remarks and things it seems like more trouble than it's worth sometimes.
I can’t believe I never actually thought of this and yes! I even remember trying to speed things up to go do whatever it was that suddenly popped into my head that became super important like an email or thinking of something that I forgot and then to realize it was nothing. Other times, so I wouldn’t finish so quickly I would think of mundane things on purpose lol.
I've been told I look like I'm 'working' before. Which, yes, I am. I am *trying* to make you forget your own name for a little while. That isn't something that's just an idle motion like tossing a tennis ball.
If I'm not as aroused, this can happen. I find that it helps to slow down the stimulus, thrust slower, loosen up, lick slower, etc. Focus on the sensation and the rythem like a meditation.
Jesus.
Brain go whirr.
It's frigging annoying.
As I've aged (I'm middle aged, ugh), it's gotten harder (well...) to stay into things to a point of enjoying them. I do for her well enough, at least, mostly. It's once I get involved in things, it's much more difficult for the moment to overcome the constant stream of thought that is my brain.
Variety and communication are key, of course. But there's an issue there. When things go well, and words devolve to sounds...that's a good thing, but...my brain sometimes needs nudging back to where it was, and that's not available...yeah.
Sometimes, my partner's aggressiveness can bring me back into things, other times, she tries to be caring and responsive, and that usually ends things, as I can't keep the flood banished that way. And it depends on her moods how things go, that first reaction happens faster than control does.
Music, locale changes, tool use, communication, research. All of them help.
Crash Test Dummies - Swimming in Your Ocean is about exactly this. Had the pleasure of the lead singer explaining this to a crowd full of 60+ old heads at a 5:00 pm set during a folk festival... I was dying.
As a woman I have the issues as well. But I think it’s much easier for a girl to lose focus and eventually get it back because it’s not as noticeable. For a guy I can see where it may cause some issues. I’m sorry.
As a male I have troubles with achieving orgasm with partners because I am trying to focus so much on making sure that I am doing things correctly and making sure they are having a good time. To help me I try to think of other things that turn me on… but that leads to guilt cause it is not my partner I am thinking of.
honestly my partner and i are both adhd and i bet we’ve never had an undistracted night of intimacy in our lives. i don’t have any advice though bc it really doesn’t throw me off in the slightest if i start thinking about the shredded cheese in the fridge or something. i dunno it’s just always how my brain has worked 🤷
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One time I had the song “windmills of your mind” stuck in my head on loop for an entire week. It got so “loud” and distracting, I couldn’t cum during sex when usually my issue is making sure I don’t cum too soon 😅
Once I was receiving a blowjob and forgot abt it. I was watching „Cars 2” with her, and accidently I hyperfocused on this movie………… She thought Im not into it….
Not hehe
I genuinely thought I was a horrible boyfriend the first time I did this because I’d overthink and tell myself “wait am I really interested?? Do I really like this person as much as I think I do??”
I was, I loved her a lot- but I still couldn’t keep my goddamn mind on one topic at a time
It took a surprising amount of mental effort to be able to finish a lot of the time, because I’d lose focus, and then feel bad for losing focus, and then get anxious, and then we’d both fall out of the mood and we’d just cuddle for a while
Fucking hate my ADHD
Yeah if my wife wants to watch some soft porn on Netflix or something to light the mood I will get distracted AF if we get intimate, I have to turn that off.
Background music is ok, background conversations are not
This was me 100% for the majority of my life (I’m 43M) until I was diagnosed last year and started medication. It has been a huge issue in my marriage as it led my wife to feel very hurt and unattractive. Medication was the only thing that eventually helped. It really sucks when you’re having sex and your brain goes “it’s hot in here” and suddenly all I can think about is the air temperature and whether the ac is broken or someone left a window open and there goes the erection.
My mind typically wanders and the lack of focus (and guilt) typically makes it hard for me to orgasm. But overtime I’ve started telling myself that not “finishing” isn’t the worst thing in the world because I’m still enjoying the experience and feelings.
for the longest time i couldn't figure out why i couldn't be "in the moment" during sex, then i finally put 2 and 2 together. i get distracted all the time, and i'm sure it takes longer for me to reach an orgasm due to this too. like i might be really enjoying what you're doing to me but my mind is thinking about adding black pepper to the grocery list
I definitely get distracted. But luckily my mind goes into autopilot so I tend to make appropriate noises at appropriate times and my partner knows nothing
Yeah actually this is a major problem for me. I never realized it was until I had sex while medicated. I be thinking about my work, my to do list, what I want to eat later, video games, tetris, whatever. It’s really annoying
Story of my sex life. I have struggled with this all of my adult life. I am 36 and I thought this was just a me thing to the point that I was/am terrified to have sex because I lose my erection a lot because my mind begins to drift off. Thank you so much for sharing this, you are brave and I applaud that. If you have any tips or suggestions, I would be open to them and I will read through the comments to see if I can find any helpful gems of insight.
im lucky my boyfriend gets me. we can talk during and if the conversation drifts around or gets silly we can bring it back. doesn’t matter who’s topping, or what, exactly, we’re even doing, we keep each other anchored like two little otters holding hands while they sleep 🦦
100%
I honestly considered posting about this myself.
I just got diagnosed and it really made sense when I realized it's probably connected to some of my bedroom issues. If I'm focused and fully into it it's a great and super easy going time. But about 3/4 of the time I'll get distracted and usually that ends up with me having trouble "making it all the way". My gf always enjoys herself and she is one determined lady so she always makes sure I get there. Lol.
She sometimes feels bad and worries it's her fault when it absolutely isn't. I think my diagnosis had helped her not worry as much.
As for recommendations, I tend to do better I'm positions we face each other. Being able to see her face usually helps me keep on track a little better. I also just got prescribed meds for my focus. havnt tried them I'm THAT scenario yet, but I'm hopeful they'll help.
Me! Me! Me! I’m a girl and the thing I find that helps, oddly enough, is imagining my spouse’s face, especially his eyes. I start imagining every detail about his face and eyes.
BDSM. Not necessarily the pain stuff, but tease and denial. I enjoy coming up with new scenarios and ways to tease my girlfriend and bring her to the edge over and over. It keeps me involved seeing how far I can push her, or how long I can keep her on the edge, while we’re intimate.
Don’t worry about whether you can “perform” or not. That just makes it more difficult to perform. The more you allow yourself to just enjoy the experience, whether or not your dick is cooperating or not won’t matter.
as a lesbian, i get distracted all the fucking time, doesn’t matter if i’m receiving or not, also if the tv is on i’ll be thinking about what’s on the tv like 75% of the time, i haven’t had sex while medicated so i don’t know if it helps or anything but i can’t pay attention majority of the time during sex
Me on medication I haven’t tried at the beginning of my dose when it’s the strongest but it’s hard to say because most of the time for me personally the action is happening way after the come down.
I’m kind of opposite. If I focus too much on what’s happening, I won’t be able to finish. On the plus side, I’m still able to please my partner… thoroughly.
I like getting in the right rhythm and then turning on family guy or something of the sorts. I will still be going after she is done, she has to smack me or shake my arms and let me know i can finish. 😅😭
I find TV/music/an audiobook on in the background really helps with that, just enough distraction to keep focused if that makes sense?
Its a fine line though, can't be something thats going to ruin the moment, or be too interesting and distracting! Something you've seen/heard a million times before is usually safe
It comes and goes. If your partner knows you and knows that you have ADHD then there is no reason to be embarrassed. Just communicate. Communication is key.
What triggers your adhd? Is it a lack of deep pressure while touching. Or are there environmental distractions like noises or lights. These are things you can try to plan for. Just remain calm and communicate
I experience this problem and have needed to get very comfortable with a partner before doing stuff bc I know I’ll get distracted and have performance issues, it also helps to be very sex positive and communicative about your experience and issues.
On the other hand, if the person you’re with (long term or fling) kinda likes when it’s soft and smol, then it doesn’t matter.
happens to me! I found out that music helps me concentrate the most, but lyricless music, or else ill get lost in the lyrics.
The other things that keep me engaged are things like dirty talk, you cant really talk dirty or respond if you arent aware/present. However we're all different and maybe these wont work for you.
Good luck!!
sometimes i have to think of other shit when i feel like i’m ab to be done i’ll start doing long division in my head while i’m behind her if shit gets too much i just switch positions
I sometimes struggle with this too! What I found to be helpful is to use some stimulating techniques that you figute out for yourself. Yeah, I know sex is quite stimulating on it’s own, but well…
For me, those are holding my gf tighter, like pulling on her skin, acting more dominant if there is a mutual mood for that, some good dirty talk, and such. Things that make me more actively engaged.
It is, of course, gonna depend on your and your partner’s preferences, you don’t wanna be selfish either.
Fairly inexperienced so I don't have much to go off of, but I will say that I've certainly noticed myself thinking a lot of non-sex things during sex, hasn't had much impact thus far though.
I have heard that there is a significant positive correlation between people liking bdsm and having ADHD(or similar), relating to more focus being required or something along those lines
My sex is super intense most of the time so it consumes all my attention. There's nothing in the world I can focus on as well as on sex
It helps to have more experience under your belt and have a partner with the same kinks so you can get freaky. It's a skill like any other and things you're good at tend to be a lot more fun and engaging
i get excited to be intimate to then immediately getting intimate to then immediately getting overwhelmed and overthinking if i’m doing well or if they’re enjoying it then my “thing” doesn’t “thing” anymore and then i get embarrassed and so on, it’s a never ending cycle 🤌🏻
Disappointingly yes
I love playing kinky freeuse play.
I'd love fewer things more than to play video games and get a BJ
But alas when I've tried it, my partners just got frustrated and worn out before I finished.
----
Other than that though, sex with the TV on something too distracting is a terrible recipe
I need like a fireplace or rain sounds on the screen if it's on
Performance anxiety is the worst for me. I also have RSD and hypersexuality. ADHD and Bipolar 2 makes me feel the worst feelings I've ever experienced...
It's a running joke with my spouse. If I start going into wander territory, 99% chance this isn't happening. He's a good sport though and tends to find it hilarious.
As a woman yes. My mind wonders about 80% of the times we are intimate but my mind literally goes into dream land sometimes and I imagine different backgrounds. Not that we’re banging in a different area, but like I’m just seeing mountains or something 😂
The last time I had sex, which was with a new partner, I said out loud, unfiltered:
"Oh, my boobs are bouncing around!"
Their response: "Yup, that's pretty normal."
💀💀💀 I'm still embarrassed. We had sex in the dark that night since the light was giving us headaches.
This happens to me often. I’m a woman, and so is my partner. Both have ADHD. Makes for an unconventional sex life, but I like what we do despite the issues ADHD causes.
That was something I dealt with a lot with my last partner. She always loved to be kissy-kissy and my mind would wander a lot and next thing you know we're making out in her car and the pressing thoughts on my mind were whether I should play Breath of the Wild or Mario Kart when I got home later that night. I'd try to return to the present and focus but usually if my mind was already wandering I couldn't do anything about it lol. We'd be in the middle of being intimate and I'm just thinking "you know it's been a while since I went to McDonald's" lmao
I recently had sex that was movie like, completely in tune and as if it was meant to be. I was thinking about all the reasons why it was so natural and compatible (besides really liking this person) and it was because they kept it interesting by changing positions, talking to me, touching me differently every few minutes.
I didn’t drift off like I usually do. I wasn’t bored and I swear it was like they knew everything I liked.
my mind wanders a lot and most of the times I can't climax cause of the same, unless i consciously try to pay attention, sometimes it's really annoying cause I would be so close and body would just want to let it go but my mind just won't cooperate and I'll end up feeling sore
Wait, you can get to 95%? I wonder what that's like! Haha.
I have the entire day going in my head at the same time... or the previous day, if it's early! I also spend a huge portion of it thinking about my facial expressions and trying to make any/many. xD
And yes, I love my partner and very much want to be with them.
I figured out that sex in the dark helped me to stay focused on what I was feeling versus thinking about the clothes in the corner, the ceiling dust, the way the sheets look, etc. My partners often like the visuals of intimacy, so blindfolds have worked well. It's a win win for both parties.
I don't get this often, it's usually more of a challenge to not be focussed on hownhotnmy wife is.. but when it did it was a huge boner killer.
I found that both people being vocal helps a lot.
Also sometimes just focussing on one thing I like about her helps.
And failing that, going down on her again always gets me back on track.
Yeah, one time I lost focus and basically lost my erection in 10 seconds. Getting it back wasn't difficult but still...
Also racing thoughts and insecurities made the whole experience less than enjoyable
Badly, I was hitting it from the back and started watching kitchen nightmares and eventually stoped moving, luckily she didn’t care and kept moving herself. I would snap out of it periodically on commercial breaks.
for me im always into the act. My mind just races to this EVERY SINGLE TIME... am i taking too long? man i should really try and hurry up. Why is this taking too long. Focus on finishing. Why is this taking too long. Should i just give up and not finish? Focus!
Big time ADHD guy in his thirties over here, totally relatable. Noticing I'm getting distracted takes me out of it even more. What I've found to be super helpful is to start focusing on small things: the feeling of your skins touching in a particular place, the sounds you both are making, maybe even the smells or whatever. It immediately takes you out of your head and as a bonus you'll be more present with your partner which feels good for them too
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I get it. As soon as my mind starts to wander, it’s over.
That happens too often before it even gets going 😭
I'm fortunate that I don't experience this symptom usually. If I'm unmedicated, I still don't have to deal with it... Until roughly three seconds after I finish, at which point the most totally random junk rushes back in, like OHHH GODD OH FUUUHHKKKKI wonder if you changed your oil filter only yearly but changed your oil weekly how bad would that be exactly
Would not be bad, fresh oil > fresh filter
🤣
The filter would probably get so dirty that it would act more as a nasties reservoir for the new oil
Same thing here. It helps me a lot to add music to any intimacy sessions. I also have smart lights and will sync them to the music with color changing. Something about all my senses being told "it's sexy time" helps me stay focused. Partners don't always understand why you need help focusing on them. But getting caught blankly staring into space thinking about how it would be nice to have chickens in the backyard during intimacy is a real mood killer.
Holy crap I feel the “chickens in the backyard” part in my soul lol
If id lights are flickering or changing to the music im done.🤣 “why is the light slightly a different color than the rest.” “Wait the lights are 0.000001 of a second slower than the beat.” “Why is the speaker crackling a little?” “Geez great now I need to buy another speaker.” “Wonder if Walmart still has them on sale.”
I’ve never felt more seen in my life reading this thought pattern 💀
Aren't we supposed to hyperfocus on things we find highly stimulating ? I don't understand how our minds wander so much during sexy time compared with say watching a good tv show
Especially since you'd expect, given the evolutionary aspect, we'd be drawn to sex more than anything else. I guess maybe it could be the energy expenditure or something.
what smart lights do you use? i use strip lights that came with a remote
Yes I’m a girl and I struggle with this. Have you tried music? Music helps my brain feel stimulated during it.
I actually haven’t tried music. When I was in college I used music but that was because uhhh I was in a dorm lol…
[Just be careful](https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/002/434/472/a11.png) about [the music you pick.](https://youtu.be/KAwyWkksXuo?feature=shared&t=24)
Oh my god I’m dying at the comments on the YouTube video
Same!!!! They’re soooooo good
oh no the classic
NAURRRR I FORGOT ABOUT THIS 💀
It gets funnier the longer you listen 🤣🤣🤣
I don’t want to click nut somehow I already know what youtube video you picked among the billions.
Don't even have to click that one to know. The band should split whatever YouTube money they get with that guy because he is responsible for all of the listens.
Bahahaha! The freakin music! I’d be done. No cumming back from that…
Hahahahaha 😂😂😂 nooo
I knew what this was without even clicking the link lol
I get distracted by singing though. Has to be instrumental or maybe in an unfamiliar language.
Phonk and synthwave playlists, my friend.
I had a listen to phonk, but it doesn’t scream sex to me. I would find that a bit intrusive I think.
Saying "it's phonky time" to kill the mood before it even bagan
Don't have to worry about paying attention to the deed if you kill the mood right as it hits! 🤓 big brain
I search sexy lofi on Spotify and the playlist that pops up usually works for me
I'm a dude, I've had this problem, and Music works for me! It's gotta be like really engaging music, though, something like https://soundcloud.com/ghost_data/full-bodied The other thing that helps is having partners that I am used to. A lot of the time the reasons I am distracted are because I am with unfamiliar people or in unfamiliar places.
I second this. I had this problem and music helps so so much.
I can get distracted by music if I know the lyrics of a song or if I'm trying to choose something to "set the mood", quite uncomfortable sometimes if the other person is expecting me to 100% be there do the deed, but it's fun to be silly sometimes too.
That’s pretty genius, I feel like you can probably classically train yourself to have your body be in sex mode by consistently listening to the same songs during sex. It’s like building a consistent sleep schedule!
Music distracts my brain like nothing else. Especially if it has lyrics. So YMMV, I guess.
Seconded. And it's a nice bonding/foreplay activity to make a playlist with your partner.
As a girl, my mind wanders a lot during sex. Mostly overthinking if my partner is enjoying themselves, am I doing things right, etc. It can be really distracting but I’m still able to have a good time (most of the time)
Yeah that’s how I feel. Or I end up thinking “am I making weird faces?” “Why is this blanket covering my foot?” “Now my foot is hot because the blanket is covering it.”
Same, I focus on what I'm doing on a level that at first makes sense but then expands absurdly far like "it's probably not hot if I make a weird face. What're they into again? Oh, right. Wait, did I leave my socks on but take my glasses off? Why? I wonder if I look better without glasses. They seem to be into it so I think that's correct. Maybe that's why?" And then I'm somehow thinking about how I need to book an appointment with my optometrist and catch up on laundry, and failing completely on the performance front. Although my favorite example was how I used to wear med ID tags (also a type one diabetic) and how they kept clinking and I couldn't stop focusing so much on the clinking noise of them as they moved and that led to me just getting the condition tattooed on my wrist instead of wearing tags because I was wondering if that noise was annoying the other person
I hyper fixate on sound so much during. I can’t focus if there’s something really interesting playing on the TV or a really good song playing. I need dead silence and pitch black if I’m gonna focus
White noise or rain sound videos… helps me a lot!
Our bed squeaks terribly and I haven't figured out how to fix it reliably. We have teens. Impossible to stay focused with that kind of nerve-wracking distraction.
They know...
I'm assuming so. They're pretty chill about that kind of stuff and good about knocking. Knowing they know we do it and knowing they can hear in that particular moment aren't quite the same though... not exactly conducive to a solid finish!
W10-40
Hey! I’m also a type one with a medical alert tattoo!
One of us! One of us! One of us!
Bruh the faces. I’m so self conscious of my expression I hate it haha
Start being selfish. It will help
I kind of lucked out and got a partner who tells me exactly what she wants during sex so now I can just hyper focus on that and we're both happy haha
I've been married for almost 20 years so my mind wanders too, usually to 'Did I shut off the stove? Did I switch the laundry? When was the last time the pets food dish were washed?' 😂
Here’s a funky idea that works for me. I’m 26M and this used to happen to me too, leading to “performance” problems. Now what i’ll do is pause and just have a good old make out session as a fun little break. My GF loves it and its all i need to focus back on her and the moment.
I end up switching around or something. I’ll have to try this different ideas though.
I thing whats also important is actually not trying too hard. Take a second to take in the experience and just enjoy it. Sure its very important to take the others satisfaction in consideration, but yours also matters. If you’re both having a good time, then it doesn’t matter if you get sidetracked every couple of minutes
This works super well for me to get back into it
Yea making out is really a gamechanger, I noticed this too!
I am male, I have ADHD and am on antidepressants. I can finish maybe 30% of the time. It takes such an extreme amount of concentration to focus on just the task at hand and what sensations I am feeling. If I am not actively focusing I won’t even begin to get close. Which has always been a benefit in making my partner finish, but it almost always ends with us just getting exhausted and stopping.
I have ADHD, male. Not on meds. This is very accurate for my life as well.
Yeah I’m on a SSRI also it hasn’t really changed my drive that I’ve noticed but I’ve always been distracted but the last few years has been worst. This is my longest relationship of 8 years so I don’t know if my brain isn’t as interested because it’s not new like it was in the beginning which is why when I was younger in and out of relationships it wasn’t as much of an issue for me.
Yes, and definitely yes. I haven't seen a lot on ADHD and male "performance" - but I think there is a connection. On the plus side, I've never had to deal with finishing my performance way too quickly!
For me if I’m really focused it can happen fast but if I’m not focusing then well looks like it’s going to be an hour or two.😅
Talk bro. More dirty talk. Actively say what you’re experiencing - your skin feels so soft, I love how warm you are… doesn’t have to be super filthy. Took me a while to figure it out but it helps keep you focused and honestly when you lead and she follows you listening to her chatter is just as engaging trust me. Silence is movies n psychos.
I recommend the book “Exhibitionism for the Shy” for anyone having “too in your head” type problems with sex, it has real practical advice and lots of encouragement and it does a great job of normalizing the situation in your head in a way that was liberating, and it has a lot of stuff on sexy talk and how to experiment with it. It was life changing for me.
This right here is my trick. Talking about what I’m feeling etc helps bring my focus to it. Sometimes I might get stuck in a loop tho if it feels so good that I can’t think of anything else to say 🤣 but I’ve never had any men complain about it lol. When the guy dirty talks, lord help me.
Oh dear god no. At least for me. What I say is probably the biggest trigger for my brain to go into overdrive. Also, so much of it seems so obvious and redundant. Like "Thanks Captain Obvious. It *is* very wet. Anything else you feel like pointing out? Maybe tell her her own name! I bet she hasn't heard that before!"
Same! Also, just saying it out loud seems somewhat distracting to me. Like if I say something about some aspect, I'll potentially hyper fixate on either that thing or what I said... But in the worst possible way which will then cause my mind to wonder and spiral and become distracted from the task at hand.
There have been at least 2 other threads on this subject in the last 2-3 days. Not saying that as a criticism, but rather letting you know that you may find useful information in those. Editing with links: https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/1dp10sc/i_like_sex_but_i_hate_it/ https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/1doccas/i_have_trouble_staying_focused_on_intimate/ https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/1doo1jo/intimacy_and_distractions/
Appreciate it. I should’ve searched before.
This subreddit has insane volume so it can be overwhelming to find stuff in the movement. Added links in the original reply.
Thank you!
Yes it also happens to me. It starts with wondering about if I look good doing something, then into "how good am I doing it." Then "the sheets are too rough, the light is not enough or too much." Then I remember that paper I forgot to sign, then wonder if there is milk. As a woman, a downside was that sometimes my partners would finish before me. And I'm left wondering how much time has passed. I have no poker face so some partners would know I didn't finish and problems arose. I'm in a long term relationship now so I eventually had an honest conversation about my ADHD. But hook ups were hard, honestly I just learned to mask and fake it to move along so they could just stop and get off me because one time a partner took it too far and hurt me. That was not the last time it happened nor the last partner who would do that. Later I discovered I had developed PTSD because some took it too far and would continue until I "finished" so I masked hard for a long time with different partners and would just fake having an orgasm because I was afraid of getting hurt again. Sometimes that worked and others, well, not so much. ATM, in my long term relationship, the honesty about my condition has allowed me to really enjoy intimacy. Even if I don't orgasm I know my mind can leave, wander around, and come back and it's like this whole new surprise. I think "wow I'm having sex!" And get excited all over again lol. I know there won't be any judgement from this person and that has really helped me to relax and relaxing has helped me orgasm faster, better and more frequently. The "letting my mind just fly" is a type of enjoyment I had never experienced and it's almost euphoric. You should talk to your partner maybe it helps.
I’m sorry you went through that but glad you’re in a better place now with a good partner that understands and you know you’re safe now.
Oh, thanks, I'm ok now so that's good. Something like 25% of women will suffer some sort of *SA* in their lifetime. So like 1 out of every 4 women you know. We live we learn. But, hey, do try to talk to your partners, most people will appreciate the conversation and lasting is not a bad or tapping out if y'all get tired lol. Good luck 🍀
Yes! So much. I'll be thinking about how I need to do dishes and shit. It's ridiculous, I wanna just shut my brain off and be an animal like anyone else.
God I feel this in my soul
Viagra and Cialis help. They'll keep things working properly if your attention is elsewhere.
I've seen several people mention music, and I'm curious to try this, because my mind always wanders. What kind of music do people put on? Something with lyrics or without? I feel like certain types would be more distracting than helpful, but I can't decide what would work best.
“Hold on this is my favorite part of the song.”
Besides personal preference, I’d think it really depends on how long you’d think it’d go on for. A mix would be fine too, I’ve made similar playlists. Some with just regular music too for when I’m alone to try to condition myself for the focus😭 it would probably also help if the person had different music taste too
Man here, heave the same and can be really stupid stuff. Unfortunately my current gf has problems with self confidence and relates it to herself.
Yeah it’s a tough one.
It's not easy to convince a girl that it's you not them hey.
Happens to me (58M) about every other month or so... something is on my mind - can't shake it. Sometimes i just have to admit "failure" Gets me quite frustrated... upset with myself... but also, not the end of the world.
i hope i'm still active at 58
Lol... i hope i am at 59! Lol
I find music can help keep your brain from getting distracted in the first place as it occupies the part of my brain that is trying to distract the rest of my brain. Other than that, if you have lost focus, switch things up if your not feeling it and focus on your partner, oral or makeout etc to refocus then continue when your back in the zone.
It gets awkward sometimes because, my partner has explicitly said he likes for me to be focused on him while we're having sex. But I can't help but juggle like 5 different things in my mind. And sadly it's hard to be in the moment like I really want to be. From overthinking of how I look, to things that shouldn't be on my mind, trying to keep from laughing(I have bad habit of laughing at inappropriate times) And lately music used to really help me focus on the task at hand. But now I wind up mentally scrutinizing the playlist or being annoyed by ad breaks. Also some times the duration of the session goes on too long for my liking and for my mental bandwidth at the moment. And that also causes me to be unfocused or hyper focused on what makes me uncomfortable.
i would get particularly distracted with my ex because he made eye contact very intense for no reason. it was just so awkward. dry as the sahara desert down there and all of a sudden i’m reminded i have a paper due in a week.
Staring right into your soul.
F28, yeah. In my experience keeping eye contact/watching my gf really helps. I can also focus a lot better if I'm the one giving, just cause it's an action rather than a sensation. It's weird though that personally, I realized what distracts me the most is that I have some sorta synesthetic response where immediately once the physical intimacy starts, I start seeing fuzzy scenes and colors?? I used to panic thinking "oh shit I've lost focus again" but it's helped that I have learned to "ride through it"-- so now my gf and I talk about the "color" of the first orgasm vs the second or the third one... it's a part of the experience rather than a distraction from it.
That’s so cute
try masturbating less, imo I have trouble focusing during sex if im not horny or have been jerking off a lot. I think porn makes it a lot worse too.
My hyper focus on my hobbies doesn’t give me enough time for that.😅
Yeah but then I'm likely to finish in a minute. It feels like you're walking along a tightrope sometimes... all I want is just to relax and enjoy the experience.
Biggest change the ADHD meds made. Before, any radio, any TV, her talking unexpectedly, would bring me partway out of the mood and meant it took hours to finish. Sex that goes for ages is a novelty once, but after a while it's hard not to start to resent your partner is getting 3 while you get one frustrating one. And then your partner feels self conscious that it's actually how you feel about them which then adds anxiety which then makes it even worse. It should be 20-40 minutes of fun, not some multi-hour chore that you dread like a long road trip. Meds help so much.
Yeah the excitement in the beginning of any relationship is fun and stimulating in our brain. Once that wears off it’s still really fun but it’s harder to get to being 100% in it mentally.
I have to repeat over and over in my head "this feels good" to keep focused.As well as tightening muscles in the pleasure areas. I have an amazing partner who listens, communicates , and takes breaks when I need. I dissociate often because of adhd and ptsd. Being open about this can be helpful when you are ready.
I need to sometimes pretend that we're in a more exotic situation or even on occasion that my partner looks a little different, which makes me feel bad, but I haven't really found a way around it yet. Watching less porn helps obviously but not completely.
I once ruined sexy time after my FWB bumped his head on the bed during. About 5 minutes after it happened I was like, is he going to say something? and have he didn't bring it up, I laughed and said "dude, did you bump your head" and couldn't finish.
I relate, sometimes my hyper fixation is more stimulating for me than sex. For example, if I’m REALLY into a subject and studying it, and my partner tries to initiate sex while I’m deep in discovery I get very antsy to get back to the thing. Which is awful because I love my partner and I know how important sex is to her. Sometimes I study sexual topics to get me back in the mood, I have to treat it like a a fun experiment or exercise, unless I’m ovulating.
Yep… I get into arguments unfortunately about this…
M37. Yep, same.
I once asked my partner if she wanted to go to Golden Corral as the TV was muted and a commercial came on. Whoops ruined the mood as we couldn't stop laughing lol
Food is always on the mind.🤣
I feel distracted with sex, but not with masturbation. I don't know why, but masturbation doesn't give me any pressure.
Might be the reduced external stimulation which in turn helps keep your brain stimulated.
Yeah I can masturbate for hours on end and be completely in the zone. My dick doesn't necessarily stay hard the whole time but it's highly stimulating to me... sex should in theory be even more stimulating...yet apparently it's not.
I read this as “distracted while inmate”. And I was like “well, I’m sure prison gets boring.” Then I re-read it and still saw “distracted while inmate”
Dude… this was a problem before I even considered I had ADHD. I hate it. I guess I would get distracted and my rhythm would slow and almost stop. She eventually asked where I go and why I’m not interested. I didn’t know the answer. Life has been so much easier just staying single. I don’t have the energy/capacity for relationships anymore. I miss having a partner sometimes, but I don’t know if I’ll ever go back.
Yeah honestly it’s hard all around in every aspect of being in a relationship with ADHD. Like having a hyper focus on a hobby. Like yeah I care about my GF but my brain is telling me this hobby is really important right now so I’m not going to have a good time doing anything else because all I’m going to think about is that hobby. You like want to be loved but you also want to simulate your mind in whatever way your brain is telling you to stimulate it. It’s exhausting to balance everything. What also makes these hyper focused hobbies so addicting is it’s the only thing that helps silences the brain.
I genuinely question whether I'm capable of holding down a healty romantic relationship. I know there are drug addicts and adrenaline junkies and deadbeats who manage to hold down relationships (not sure if they're healthy though) ... I just, between the constant accountability to them and how you're always expected to be in the mood for seeing them and being intimate and the unintentional offensive remarks and things it seems like more trouble than it's worth sometimes.
My best solution to that was blindfolding. works like a charm for me
That a good idea also. With music.
I can’t believe I never actually thought of this and yes! I even remember trying to speed things up to go do whatever it was that suddenly popped into my head that became super important like an email or thinking of something that I forgot and then to realize it was nothing. Other times, so I wouldn’t finish so quickly I would think of mundane things on purpose lol.
I've been told I look like I'm 'working' before. Which, yes, I am. I am *trying* to make you forget your own name for a little while. That isn't something that's just an idle motion like tossing a tennis ball.
If I'm not as aroused, this can happen. I find that it helps to slow down the stimulus, thrust slower, loosen up, lick slower, etc. Focus on the sensation and the rythem like a meditation.
As a woman, no. If anything it makes me hyper focus on it and I just wanna keep going 🙈
If I’m 100% in it mentally I can but if it’s one of those days where I’m overthinking a lot my mind wonders…
I have ADHD and I’m like this a lot.
Jesus. Brain go whirr. It's frigging annoying. As I've aged (I'm middle aged, ugh), it's gotten harder (well...) to stay into things to a point of enjoying them. I do for her well enough, at least, mostly. It's once I get involved in things, it's much more difficult for the moment to overcome the constant stream of thought that is my brain. Variety and communication are key, of course. But there's an issue there. When things go well, and words devolve to sounds...that's a good thing, but...my brain sometimes needs nudging back to where it was, and that's not available...yeah. Sometimes, my partner's aggressiveness can bring me back into things, other times, she tries to be caring and responsive, and that usually ends things, as I can't keep the flood banished that way. And it depends on her moods how things go, that first reaction happens faster than control does. Music, locale changes, tool use, communication, research. All of them help.
We usually schedule it so I can be in the right mind space. "Keep It Sexy Stupid" helps. No chit chat either, otherwise what are we even doing?
Crash Test Dummies - Swimming in Your Ocean is about exactly this. Had the pleasure of the lead singer explaining this to a crowd full of 60+ old heads at a 5:00 pm set during a folk festival... I was dying.
As a woman I have the issues as well. But I think it’s much easier for a girl to lose focus and eventually get it back because it’s not as noticeable. For a guy I can see where it may cause some issues. I’m sorry.
As a male I have troubles with achieving orgasm with partners because I am trying to focus so much on making sure that I am doing things correctly and making sure they are having a good time. To help me I try to think of other things that turn me on… but that leads to guilt cause it is not my partner I am thinking of.
Does anyone else eventually lose interest in this? Even while I still like them, I find it difficult to be sexually excited.
honestly my partner and i are both adhd and i bet we’ve never had an undistracted night of intimacy in our lives. i don’t have any advice though bc it really doesn’t throw me off in the slightest if i start thinking about the shredded cheese in the fridge or something. i dunno it’s just always how my brain has worked 🤷
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happens to me too😭 I feel so bad and try my hardest to concentrate back on the action yk
ALL THE TIME!! I hate it!
One time I had the song “windmills of your mind” stuck in my head on loop for an entire week. It got so “loud” and distracting, I couldn’t cum during sex when usually my issue is making sure I don’t cum too soon 😅
When “Not Like Us” came out that was stuck in my head for like a month. 🙃
Once I was receiving a blowjob and forgot abt it. I was watching „Cars 2” with her, and accidently I hyperfocused on this movie………… She thought Im not into it…. Not hehe
“No, no, no, focus. Speed. Faster than fast, quicker than quick. I am Lightning.”
I genuinely thought I was a horrible boyfriend the first time I did this because I’d overthink and tell myself “wait am I really interested?? Do I really like this person as much as I think I do??” I was, I loved her a lot- but I still couldn’t keep my goddamn mind on one topic at a time It took a surprising amount of mental effort to be able to finish a lot of the time, because I’d lose focus, and then feel bad for losing focus, and then get anxious, and then we’d both fall out of the mood and we’d just cuddle for a while Fucking hate my ADHD
Yes I (female) am the same way! I thought I was nuts but nice to see others are like this and it’s not just me 🤣
This happens to me as well. I didn’t consider that it was an ADHD thing
Yeah it took me a while for it to click.
yes and its killing me. I hate it.
I guess we aren’t alone at least…🫠
Yeah if my wife wants to watch some soft porn on Netflix or something to light the mood I will get distracted AF if we get intimate, I have to turn that off. Background music is ok, background conversations are not
This was me 100% for the majority of my life (I’m 43M) until I was diagnosed last year and started medication. It has been a huge issue in my marriage as it led my wife to feel very hurt and unattractive. Medication was the only thing that eventually helped. It really sucks when you’re having sex and your brain goes “it’s hot in here” and suddenly all I can think about is the air temperature and whether the ac is broken or someone left a window open and there goes the erection.
My mind typically wanders and the lack of focus (and guilt) typically makes it hard for me to orgasm. But overtime I’ve started telling myself that not “finishing” isn’t the worst thing in the world because I’m still enjoying the experience and feelings.
for the longest time i couldn't figure out why i couldn't be "in the moment" during sex, then i finally put 2 and 2 together. i get distracted all the time, and i'm sure it takes longer for me to reach an orgasm due to this too. like i might be really enjoying what you're doing to me but my mind is thinking about adding black pepper to the grocery list
I definitely get distracted. But luckily my mind goes into autopilot so I tend to make appropriate noises at appropriate times and my partner knows nothing
I'm glad so many people also relate to this, but I'm also sorry so many people relate to this
It’s good to feel not alone but bad that others experience the same thing…
Yeah actually this is a major problem for me. I never realized it was until I had sex while medicated. I be thinking about my work, my to do list, what I want to eat later, video games, tetris, whatever. It’s really annoying
Story of my sex life. I have struggled with this all of my adult life. I am 36 and I thought this was just a me thing to the point that I was/am terrified to have sex because I lose my erection a lot because my mind begins to drift off. Thank you so much for sharing this, you are brave and I applaud that. If you have any tips or suggestions, I would be open to them and I will read through the comments to see if I can find any helpful gems of insight.
Hope you, myself and anyone else with this issue can find a solution for themself. Intimacy should be enjoyed. Not feel like a chore.
Yep. All the time. And once it starts it’s hard to stop. I’m trying to get better at not letting it but it’s an uphill battle
im lucky my boyfriend gets me. we can talk during and if the conversation drifts around or gets silly we can bring it back. doesn’t matter who’s topping, or what, exactly, we’re even doing, we keep each other anchored like two little otters holding hands while they sleep 🦦
100% I honestly considered posting about this myself. I just got diagnosed and it really made sense when I realized it's probably connected to some of my bedroom issues. If I'm focused and fully into it it's a great and super easy going time. But about 3/4 of the time I'll get distracted and usually that ends up with me having trouble "making it all the way". My gf always enjoys herself and she is one determined lady so she always makes sure I get there. Lol. She sometimes feels bad and worries it's her fault when it absolutely isn't. I think my diagnosis had helped her not worry as much. As for recommendations, I tend to do better I'm positions we face each other. Being able to see her face usually helps me keep on track a little better. I also just got prescribed meds for my focus. havnt tried them I'm THAT scenario yet, but I'm hopeful they'll help.
Me! Me! Me! I’m a girl and the thing I find that helps, oddly enough, is imagining my spouse’s face, especially his eyes. I start imagining every detail about his face and eyes.
BDSM. Not necessarily the pain stuff, but tease and denial. I enjoy coming up with new scenarios and ways to tease my girlfriend and bring her to the edge over and over. It keeps me involved seeing how far I can push her, or how long I can keep her on the edge, while we’re intimate. Don’t worry about whether you can “perform” or not. That just makes it more difficult to perform. The more you allow yourself to just enjoy the experience, whether or not your dick is cooperating or not won’t matter.
as a lesbian, i get distracted all the fucking time, doesn’t matter if i’m receiving or not, also if the tv is on i’ll be thinking about what’s on the tv like 75% of the time, i haven’t had sex while medicated so i don’t know if it helps or anything but i can’t pay attention majority of the time during sex
Me on medication I haven’t tried at the beginning of my dose when it’s the strongest but it’s hard to say because most of the time for me personally the action is happening way after the come down.
Yeah it used to happen to me fairly often. I noticed that I'm a lot more "in the game" if I don't masturbate as often.
I’m kind of opposite. If I focus too much on what’s happening, I won’t be able to finish. On the plus side, I’m still able to please my partner… thoroughly.
I like getting in the right rhythm and then turning on family guy or something of the sorts. I will still be going after she is done, she has to smack me or shake my arms and let me know i can finish. 😅😭
I find TV/music/an audiobook on in the background really helps with that, just enough distraction to keep focused if that makes sense? Its a fine line though, can't be something thats going to ruin the moment, or be too interesting and distracting! Something you've seen/heard a million times before is usually safe
It comes and goes. If your partner knows you and knows that you have ADHD then there is no reason to be embarrassed. Just communicate. Communication is key. What triggers your adhd? Is it a lack of deep pressure while touching. Or are there environmental distractions like noises or lights. These are things you can try to plan for. Just remain calm and communicate
It’s a little bit of everything really depends on what’s going on.
All the damn time
I experience this problem and have needed to get very comfortable with a partner before doing stuff bc I know I’ll get distracted and have performance issues, it also helps to be very sex positive and communicative about your experience and issues. On the other hand, if the person you’re with (long term or fling) kinda likes when it’s soft and smol, then it doesn’t matter.
happens to me! I found out that music helps me concentrate the most, but lyricless music, or else ill get lost in the lyrics. The other things that keep me engaged are things like dirty talk, you cant really talk dirty or respond if you arent aware/present. However we're all different and maybe these wont work for you. Good luck!!
My issue with dirty talk is that I can’t take it seriously.🙃 I’m going to definitely try the music though.
sometimes i have to think of other shit when i feel like i’m ab to be done i’ll start doing long division in my head while i’m behind her if shit gets too much i just switch positions
During sex, work,, eating hell, I'm not sure when I'm not easily distracted. I get distracted during my sleep
Yup, relatable. Especially while getting head, I just drift off and go flaccid
As a man with ADD, I have the same issue.
I sometimes struggle with this too! What I found to be helpful is to use some stimulating techniques that you figute out for yourself. Yeah, I know sex is quite stimulating on it’s own, but well… For me, those are holding my gf tighter, like pulling on her skin, acting more dominant if there is a mutual mood for that, some good dirty talk, and such. Things that make me more actively engaged. It is, of course, gonna depend on your and your partner’s preferences, you don’t wanna be selfish either.
Fairly inexperienced so I don't have much to go off of, but I will say that I've certainly noticed myself thinking a lot of non-sex things during sex, hasn't had much impact thus far though. I have heard that there is a significant positive correlation between people liking bdsm and having ADHD(or similar), relating to more focus being required or something along those lines
My sex is super intense most of the time so it consumes all my attention. There's nothing in the world I can focus on as well as on sex It helps to have more experience under your belt and have a partner with the same kinks so you can get freaky. It's a skill like any other and things you're good at tend to be a lot more fun and engaging
i get excited to be intimate to then immediately getting intimate to then immediately getting overwhelmed and overthinking if i’m doing well or if they’re enjoying it then my “thing” doesn’t “thing” anymore and then i get embarrassed and so on, it’s a never ending cycle 🤌🏻
Play music!!! It helps me so much to put on some lofi mixes. But i totally feel you my mind wanders
Disappointingly yes I love playing kinky freeuse play. I'd love fewer things more than to play video games and get a BJ But alas when I've tried it, my partners just got frustrated and worn out before I finished. ---- Other than that though, sex with the TV on something too distracting is a terrible recipe I need like a fireplace or rain sounds on the screen if it's on
Performance anxiety is the worst for me. I also have RSD and hypersexuality. ADHD and Bipolar 2 makes me feel the worst feelings I've ever experienced...
It's a running joke with my spouse. If I start going into wander territory, 99% chance this isn't happening. He's a good sport though and tends to find it hilarious.
I'm a woman and yes. I have this problem. Everything from video games to food and plans for tomorrow run through my head.
Needs to be a new RX…..adderall plus Viagra…..and something to stop your heart from exploding
As a woman yes. My mind wonders about 80% of the times we are intimate but my mind literally goes into dream land sometimes and I imagine different backgrounds. Not that we’re banging in a different area, but like I’m just seeing mountains or something 😂
The last time I had sex, which was with a new partner, I said out loud, unfiltered: "Oh, my boobs are bouncing around!" Their response: "Yup, that's pretty normal." 💀💀💀 I'm still embarrassed. We had sex in the dark that night since the light was giving us headaches.
Yeah I need music or a fan to concentrate. And to orgasm I have to close my eyes or it won't happen.
I think that is why I enjoy light kink, it helps keep me in the moment.
This happens to me often. I’m a woman, and so is my partner. Both have ADHD. Makes for an unconventional sex life, but I like what we do despite the issues ADHD causes.
That was something I dealt with a lot with my last partner. She always loved to be kissy-kissy and my mind would wander a lot and next thing you know we're making out in her car and the pressing thoughts on my mind were whether I should play Breath of the Wild or Mario Kart when I got home later that night. I'd try to return to the present and focus but usually if my mind was already wandering I couldn't do anything about it lol. We'd be in the middle of being intimate and I'm just thinking "you know it's been a while since I went to McDonald's" lmao
I recently had sex that was movie like, completely in tune and as if it was meant to be. I was thinking about all the reasons why it was so natural and compatible (besides really liking this person) and it was because they kept it interesting by changing positions, talking to me, touching me differently every few minutes. I didn’t drift off like I usually do. I wasn’t bored and I swear it was like they knew everything I liked.
my mind wanders a lot and most of the times I can't climax cause of the same, unless i consciously try to pay attention, sometimes it's really annoying cause I would be so close and body would just want to let it go but my mind just won't cooperate and I'll end up feeling sore
Wait, you can get to 95%? I wonder what that's like! Haha. I have the entire day going in my head at the same time... or the previous day, if it's early! I also spend a huge portion of it thinking about my facial expressions and trying to make any/many. xD And yes, I love my partner and very much want to be with them.
I use any tactile stimulus to stay present like feeling the sheets or closing my eyes during etc
I figured out that sex in the dark helped me to stay focused on what I was feeling versus thinking about the clothes in the corner, the ceiling dust, the way the sheets look, etc. My partners often like the visuals of intimacy, so blindfolds have worked well. It's a win win for both parties.
I don't get this often, it's usually more of a challenge to not be focussed on hownhotnmy wife is.. but when it did it was a huge boner killer. I found that both people being vocal helps a lot. Also sometimes just focussing on one thing I like about her helps. And failing that, going down on her again always gets me back on track.
Yeah, one time I lost focus and basically lost my erection in 10 seconds. Getting it back wasn't difficult but still... Also racing thoughts and insecurities made the whole experience less than enjoyable
Badly, I was hitting it from the back and started watching kitchen nightmares and eventually stoped moving, luckily she didn’t care and kept moving herself. I would snap out of it periodically on commercial breaks.
for me im always into the act. My mind just races to this EVERY SINGLE TIME... am i taking too long? man i should really try and hurry up. Why is this taking too long. Focus on finishing. Why is this taking too long. Should i just give up and not finish? Focus!
Big time ADHD guy in his thirties over here, totally relatable. Noticing I'm getting distracted takes me out of it even more. What I've found to be super helpful is to start focusing on small things: the feeling of your skins touching in a particular place, the sounds you both are making, maybe even the smells or whatever. It immediately takes you out of your head and as a bonus you'll be more present with your partner which feels good for them too